Tween Magazine
The Do's and Don'ts of Being a Cool Kid
by ‘this guy’

In these days of constant connectivity and instantaneous updates the social hierarchy is more prevalent than ever on the schoolyard. The kids who are at the bottom of the heap are the ones who get bullied...become junkies...and even commit suicide: Nobody wants to be one of those kids!

If any of the following describes you, you can stop reading now as you don't have anything to worry about!

  • The smartest kid in your entire grade,
  • One of the five best athletes in your entire grade,
  • A major celebrity in your own right,
  • Have a last name that is a common term for a sex act
Otherwise, read on, follow this advice and you'll be moving up the social ladder in no time.

There are many activities that all kids, regardless of their position in the social hierarchy, participate in. Kids are not judged on whether or not they participate in these activities; but rather, on how they execute these activities. Such activities include:
  • Riding a bicycle
  • Riding a skateboard
  • Sexting
  • Viewing pornography
  • Masturbating
  • Having sex
The vast majority of cool kids participate in some combination of the following activities;
  • Smoking cigarettes
  • Drinking alcohol more than three times each and every week
  • Making themselves puke (frequently as a participant of a "puke party")
  • Sneaking out after bedtime
The vast majority of cool kids differentiate themselves from those at the bottom of the social hierarchy by executing the following activities in these ways:
  • When riding a bicycle or skateboard; they keep their eyes closed
  • When riding a bicycle or skateboard; they don't wear a helmet
  • When sexting; they show their face in any nude pics they send out
  • When sexting; they forward hot pictures they've received to their friends
  • When sexting; they post juicy pics and vids on social media
  • When viewing pornography; they are in the company of the opposite sex
  • When masturbating; they don't try to hide with they are doing
  • When masturbating; they have no problem being in full view of family, friends, or strangers
  • When masturbating; they encourage any younger kids who might be nearby to watch them
  • When having sex; they don't use condoms
  • When having sex; they have multiple partners (frequently as a participant of a "sex party" or "rainbow party")
  • When having sex; they don't limit themselves to people they already know
Un-cool kids, the ones who are at the very bottom of the social hierarchy, participate in some combination the following activities (so it is best to avoid doing them ever, if at all possible);
  • Wearing underwear
  • Wearing socks
  • Take virginity pledges
  • Attend religious services
  • Eating breakfast

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