CHAPTER – 11: The ‘Void’

Next morning, I woke up early. After lazing in the bed for a few minutes, I got out. It was too early for Kathy to wake up, so putting on some sweats I went out for a short jog.

The air outside was chilly. Not to risk a cramp I started to walk at a brisk pace in the direction of a playground not far from her place. Half-way, I switched to a jog. To tell the truth I never enjoyed jogging much, except when I was at a beach. There, the early morning or late afternoon jogs had always been nice. In the city, I didn’t feel like jogging or running, even when I could find a park or a green spot. It just wasn’t the same. However, I could spend hours walking from block to block, visiting shops; mostly the bookstores and electronics shops. When Kathy tagged along, she had trouble keeping up with my pace, especially when I was window-shopping for electronics. In many ways we were alike, except in our choices. She would spend hours in a department store and I would be in a bookstore, browsing through their selections, eventually ending up with an armload of books to take with me on my trips. Sometimes, when I had the patience, I would accompany her to department stores. However, I usually had a magazine or book to while away the time, as Kathy tried on clothes. She liked to read as well, whenever she had time from her studies or during her long shifts in the hospital, but her literary taste was mostly dictated by my choices. At the end of my vacation, she ended up with most of the books I’d bought. She didn’t mind reading my choices in sci-fic, thriller, or horror genres. In fact, she developed a liking for Robert Ludlum, Stephen King, Wilbur Smith, Asimov, Clarke, and a few others.

It didn’t take long to reach the playground. At this early hour it was deserted, although in an hour it would get crowded, when the parents and school buses brought the kids to the school a few hundred yards away. At lunch hour, this place would be bustling with kids, a few of the teachers keeping an eye on them. I decided to take advantage of the early hour, and do my Tai Chi practice. When I finished, I sat on one of the benches, enjoying the crisp morning air. As usual, I was feeling at peace after my exercise. It had been a while since my last practice—the last two weeks at the rig had been busy and I hadn’t had the time—and now, I realized how much I missed and needed the exercise.

In the quiet solitude of the empty playground, I found my mind wandering; the fragments from early years drifting in and out, reminding me my study and practice of various martial arts, but especially Tai Chi. Slowly, my thoughts started to converge, following an ever narrowing spiral track, like the circular, fluid moves I had performed a short while ago...

 

. . . . .

 

Tai Chi was the first martial art I had learned, and the one that I enjoyed the most. From outside it almost looked like an exotic form of ballet. I guess that was one part I liked about it; the calm and peace I found in the deliberate, studied slowness of each move, each stance, and the eerie grace and the fluidity that were present as I went through the forms. This was the only martial art where I could feel the chi, the inner energy my sensei always talked about. I had never advanced to the higher levels with some of the martial arts I took up, but Tai Chi offered me more than the others. What’s more, the experience with Tai Chi came in handy when I practiced the other martial arts. Although it looked like a ballet performed in a slow motion replay fashion, Tai Chi was a serious martial art and it could be put to use with astonishing results, when performed at high speed.

The next martial art my sensei taught me was Aikido. No surprises there. It was another defensive martial art. Although the two had very little in common, (in fact their origins were as far apart as they could be, one being Chinese and the other being Japanese), somehow, I made the transition to Aikido much easier and faster then I expected. Despite the differences in their origins and the forms, they complemented each other. I found myself using the circular, fluid motions of Tai Chi, in combination with the grips and locks of Aikido, changing from one form to the other instinctively.

Once, I had my sensei on the tatami mats during practice, the first time ever, and we had a short discussion about it. I was elated to be able to beat him, but was also curious whether that had been a fluke or a lucky break. He had explained that I had been in the moment and in harmony with my opponent. He went further to explain that in combat or a fight, there was rarely any harmony to be found and the outcome was mostly determined by the skill levels and the readiness of the spirit, the mental attitude. I had the skills, but I had to learn about the timing and being in the moment; the spiritual and mental preparation.

Thus, began a new journey, one that was filled with frustration. On rare occasions, it filled me with dread and fright. He started me on Kenjutsu, the art of the sword. It was, for the most part, repetitive and boring; practicing the cuts with the bokken countless times, until my muscles memorized each move and they became second nature. Then, we started on the meditative forms, while my practices with the bokken concentrated on timing. I didn’t enjoy Kenjutsu as much as Tai Chi or even Aikido. It took me a long while to make progress, although Tai Chi helped, to a degree, with the meditative forms and spiritual preparation. Later, we moved on to the opening stances, and katas, and how to move from one cut to the other, as I did with Tai Chi. But, I was far from being able to improvise as I had with Tai Chi and Aikido, mixing and matching moves, grips, and locks. I had, however, learned about timing, and was making progress in being in the moment.

I studied the spiritual preparation and mental attitude. I was still concerned about winning, as anybody would be in any kind of competitive sport, but Kenjutsu required a completely different set of mental attitudes. I knew (and learned) about clearing my mind, and controlling my emotions like anger, and even fear. But, Kenjutsu required me to delve deeper, where it led me to... the Void. A place where there was no emotion... no thought... just emptiness. It had been a scary experience, filling me with unease. It had felt alien, dark and foreboding.

Although my sensei felt my unease and reluctance, he urged me to explore it. We had long discussions about the Void, and about my reluctance. He managed to convince me that my notions of light and dark, good and evil were what kept me from exploring the darkness and the emptiness I had discovered in the Void. One day, instead of Kenjutsu practice, he asked me to perform my Tai Chi exercises. Once I completed my practice, he asked me to repeat them, but also to seek the Void during the exercise.

It was a different experience and a new discovery. He joined in, and we moved into combat Tai Chi, once again switching back and forth between styles, from Tai Chi to Aikido—the higher levels of Aikido that could be used to attack instead of defense only. And, I was in the Void, in that dark, swirling mess; no emotions, no thought, my senses awake as if I had a third eye that I could look at the world. At the end of the practice, he prepared tea, letting us wind down, and we discussed what I experienced.

“So, Mitchell, what did you think about today’s exercise?”

“It was different. The emptiness... the darkness wasn’t what I thought or felt it would be. I’m confused. Why did it seem foreboding when I tried it with Kenjutsu?”

“It was my mistake, Mitchell. I apologize. Kenjutsu is still a combat art, although its teachings are peaceful. They should be used to attain calm and peace. I had forgotten your upbringing. You are still, very much a Westerner in upbringing, and have different notions about life and death, good and evil, light and dark.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand, Sensei.”

“Mitchell, when you take the sword in hand, the katana or the bokken, you are automatically associating it with life and death, even if it is for practice or for competition like Kendo. At the best, during competition, you are still concerned about winning or losing. You can control your fear, and empty your mind to some degree, but, you were never able to let go, and free yourself. You’ve learned about controlling your emotions, emptying your mind, but there is a deeper level... the Void. You never really reached that state in Kenjutsu, and that is why you had, you have difficulty.”

“What about Tai Chi and what happened now?”

“Ahh. That is the crux of what I was trying to teach you. You have the answer yourself,” he replied.

I pondered his cryptic words; what he said about Kenjutsu and how I felt about it compared to Tai Chi.

“Tai Chi is a solo martial art, and defensive, and I find it easy to attain calm and peace,” I said.

“Precisely. You don’t concern yourself about winning, and you don’t associate it automatically with life and death. Even though, you know it can be used for combat, and very effectively so.”

“So, I managed to sink in the Void, without preconceptions. The darkness in there is... part of the light... Yin and Yang?”

He nodded, then asked, “What did you find in the darkness, Mitchell?”

“Emptiness...”

When I didn’t continue, he prompted, “And?”

“Purity and clarity,” I replied, still contemplative, and trying to put into words my experience.

He raised an eyebrow, his black eyes urging me to continue.

“It was as if I was seeing the first time... if seeing is the right word?”

A small smile formed on his usually expressionless face. “Good. You’ve been a gifted student, Mitchell,” he said, then paused to consider his next words. “I have to say, however, that you might not progress further. Does that bother you?”

“Why do you say that, Sensei?”

“You will not take Kenjutsu as a martial art, and continue to study it further, will you?”

I thought about my answer. I wanted to learn more, but I knew my heart wasn’t in it, not as much as in Tai Chi. I was happy to keep learning more if I could, and practice what I had learned, but I didn’t have the time to devote to further my studies.

“It would require more time than I could devote to it. I’ve started very late.”

“Yes. That is so. I’m glad you recognize your limits. But, you’ll keep at it, as time permits, and practice what you’ve learned?” he asked.

“Yes, Sensei.”

“I have to warn you, Mitchell. That might prove to be extremely frustrating. You want to learn new things, and enjoy making progress, however little progress it might be. You have the patience for it, but Kenjutsu is an art that is difficult to master, requires a lot of time. I think you’ll find that the little progresses become unsatisfactory after a while. You have a hunger for more. On the other hand, Tai Chi and Aikido will reward you well. I think you will find a lifetime of joy in them.”

“Yes, Sensei. I understand. But, knowing all that, why did you start me in Kenjutsu?”

“It served its purpose. You had moved along faster than I expected. That day, when you beat me to the mat, mixing Tai Chi with Aikido, I realized I needed to introduce you to the Void. You needed to learn about timing and being in the moment. You had learned them partially, with Tai Chi and Aikido. You could center yourself, and feel the chi, but timing and being in the moment are basic and essential to Kenjutsu. More than that, the cut of the Katana requires a purity and clarity of spirit. You needed to learn about no mind, and the purity and clarity of spirit. I wasn’t sure if I could teach you without Kenjutsu. And I wanted to see how far you’d progress in Kenjutsu.”

“There is,” I paused, “more than that...”

His dark eyes glittered for a moment at my comment, as if pleased at something.

“Yes, there is, Mitchell. You needed to be exposed to martial arts that have uses in combat, that are not purely defensive. Combat Tai Chi is a very effective martial art, as the later lessons you’ve learned in Aikido. But, they are, in essence, more suited for defense, rather than combat. You know you’re good, but there are a lot of people who study martial arts. Somebody who is very much proficient in one of the martial arts, like Karate, could take you down. You needed an edge. You can hold your own against many, and with the Void, you have an edge, unless you encounter another who knows about the Void. Master of one Art is master of nothing. You remember that, don’t you? I also know, you’ll use your knowledge for self improvement. Otherwise I wouldn’t have taught you, Mitchell.”

I bowed, and said, “Thank you, Sensei.”

He returned it with a short bow, and replied, “Thank you, Mitchell. It’s been a rare privilege to teach you.”

We drank our tea in silence for long minutes. Seeing me deep in thought, he said, “Mitchell, this is not goodbye. My door is open anytime. I know you want to continue your studies and I’ll be glad to help. You still need to practice more to be comfortable with what you have learned today, and I would like to see you practice Kenjutsu at the level you can.”

“Yes, Sensei. I wish to continue. Thank you for your kind offer.”

“Mitchell, that’s the least I can do. But always remember, and recognize your limits. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I thought about his question. I wasn’t scared of what I had found in the Void, not anymore, but, I wasn’t sure if I would seek it, even in Tai Chi. I knew I had to seek it in Kenjutsu, to make progress, but I had more trouble with Kenjutsu. When I explained my thoughts, Sensei nodded his agreement.

“Yes, Mitchell. I was expecting that, and that’s why I had to warn you about frustration. You may not feel comfortable to seek the Void, even when practicing Tai Chi, but know that it’s there, when you need it. Tell me Mitchell, is it because you think its purity and clarity is almost absolute that you’re concerned you’ll be corrupted by it?”

“Yes, Sensei. Or the temptation to use it might become irresistible.”

“I understand, Mitchell. Remember that it’s a mental technique, a discipline, like centering yourself, but it is beyond the other techniques. That is the only difference. You don’t need to use it or continue practicing that, if you feel uncomfortable. As I said, it will give you an edge, when you need it. You know about timing, and you know how to be in the moment. Those are all you need. You should by now, know that your awareness is on a different level. You have come a long way, Mitchell. And, that makes me happy.”

I guess, I did... from that little scared and hurt boy to a confident and calm teenager.

 

. . . . .

 

I was nine years old, when I had seen him practicing the strange thing in the ballpark. It was late afternoon, all the kids had left the school several hours ago, and I was still carrying the bruises of my last encounter with one of the school bullies. The physical hurt wasn’t that bad. Once I got over the initial pain of a punch or two, they were reduced to an uncomfortable throbbing. And, the burning anger helped reduce the hurt to the point where I didn’t feel much of the pain. I was sick and tired of feeling helpless, but as a nine year old, without many physical attributes, I didn’t stand a chance against some of the more developed or older kids. After a few brawls, I wasn’t even scared. I just wanted to pay back, for once, for the humiliation of losing the fights, not for the physical hurt.

Seeing this strange guy go through some complex sequence of moves with eerie slowness, I headed for one of the benches to watch what he was doing. I had no idea what it was he was doing, but after a while, just watching him, I forgot all my worries and hurt. I felt a calm that I hadn’t felt for a long time. After he finished, he walked to me, and sat down on the same bench, and we talked. I was interested in knowing what he was doing, and he was concerned about how I looked. Once I learned what a martial art was and what he was practicing, my first question had been, if he knew Karate. When he replied he did, my second question had been if he would teach me, which he refused. However, he offered to teach me Tai Chi, what I had seen him practicing. When I didn’t show an interest, he told me it would help more than Karate would. I couldn’t see how Tai Chi would help, and he asked me what I had to lose by giving it a try. To make it more interesting, he suggested that after a year of Tai Chi practice, he would reconsider my request about Karate. He asked me if I understood what he was proposing. When I replied that he wasn’t making a promise, but I might get a chance to learn Karate after a year, he smiled.

One year seemed so long, almost like an eternity—well, what nine year old wouldn’t think one year was an eternity?—but in the end, there was the possibility of learning Karate. And, I didn’t have anything to lose; it was going to take time. He wanted to take me home and talk with my parents, but I told him he could forget our deal. This was between him and me. In the end, he promised that he wouldn’t talk about my problems with other kids. He would tell my parents that we had met in the ballpark, and I was interested in learning and he was interested in teaching me.

That was the beginning of a journey of self discovery. I put all my energy to learning Tai Chi, and at times Sensei had to slow me down, without curbing my enthusiasm. Initially, all I could think of was the next year. After the first three months, he lectured me about right and wrong attitudes, and warned me about my reasons for following the training. Of course, he knew I wanted to pay back the bullies that tormented me. When I didn’t get what he was trying to tell me, he asked if I liked any animals. I always liked dogs as pets, although I had never had one as a pet. One day, he took me to a center where they kept stray dogs. I saw dogs being trained for later sale to families, and a few that actually got sold that day. Then he showed me some of the dogs that were aggressive, almost wild. He explained that those dogs were dangerous and un-trainable. When I asked what happened with them, he told me they were put to sleep.

I was young, but I understood the dogs were being killed. Then he took me to a room where they put the dogs to sleep. There was a wild dog struggling, trying to bite the guys holding it, while a doctor (veterinarian) was preparing a syringe for injecting the animal. Sensei asked me to touch the dog, and feel his heartbeat, after which he took me out of the room. A few minutes later we entered the room again and the dog was lying motionless on the table. When I touched the animal, I couldn’t feel the heartbeat. That room left me uneasy.

When we were back at Sensei’s house, he prepared tea, and we talked about what I had seen. He took his time to draw the parallels between the wild dogs, the bullies at school, and my anger, and what I could do. He explained how the other dogs that were sold (after being trained) made their owners and their kids happy. Finally, I began to understand what he was trying to tell me. He took me to a training room, and got me to expel all my frustration and anger on a punch bag. Once I was out of breath and tired, we took a break, while he explained the calm and peace I could find in Tai Chi. After that, he started doing the exercises, letting me watch, and I remembered the first day I had seen him practice, and the calm I had felt. When he finished, he asked me to join in, and that was a new experience, and a new start.

My studies took me several months, but the anger was still there at times, especially when I couldn’t avoid an encounter with the bullies. My sensei was teaching me how Tai Chi could be used for defense, and one day, during an encounter with one of the bullies, I used my newly acquired knowledge, effectively. Once I had him on the ground, my anger took over, and I kicked him; my humiliation of all the brawls and teasing I had endured taking over me, and finding an outlet. After that point, I wasn’t using my knowledge, but was yelling, and shouting and threatening him, while I sat on his chest and kept on punching him. He was trying to protect himself from my wild attack. When I expelled all my anger, I stood up, while he laid there cowering. Luckily I didn’t hurt him badly, but I realized I had been like a rabid dog, viciously attacking. I remembered my visit to the dog center, and what Sensei and I had talked about after that visit. I needed to see and tell him about what I had done. I dreaded telling him about the incident, but I didn’t know who else I could talk to about what I had done.

One look at me and he knew what I had done. His eyes darkened, as he gave me a sad look. He prepared tea, and I told him about the incident.

“Why did you tell me what you did, Mitchell?”

“I don’t know who else I can talk to. I need help. I don’t want to be a rabid dog.”

“So you remember your visit to the dog center?”

I nodded.

“Did you enjoy hurting him?”

“I don’t know... I think I did. I was angry. He hurt me many times.”

“So you think he deserved it?”

“I-I... Didn’t he? He hurt me many times before today.”

“Yes, he did hurt you. Tell me. If he tries to hurt you again, what will you do?”

“I don’t think he’ll try again.”

“Probably. But let’s assume he came after you... what will you do?”

“I will fight, but... I don’t want to hurt him... Like I did today.”

“Why is that, Mitchell? He still wants to hurt you.”

“He may want to, but he can’t. Not anymore. I won’t allow that.”

“You don’t want revenge? You don’t want to punish him?”

“It’s not right. He was bigger than me and he beat me. I didn’t like being hurt. Today I beat him, and I know he didn’t like it. I’m not him. I didn’t want the fight. He’s like a rabid dog, but I don’t want to be a rabid dog. Today, I became a rabid dog.”

“Yes, you did. For a while. Let’s get back to him; he’s a rabid dog. Don’t you want him put to sleep?”

“He’s not a dog. He’s a kid.”

“Assume he’s an animal, Mitchell. Just a rabid dog. Wouldn’t you put the rabid dog to sleep?”

“I rather have the dog in a cage, where he can’t hurt anybody. I didn’t like what they did in the center.”

He was quiet for a long time, and kept his gaze locked on me, as he seemed to mull something in his mind. Then he resumed his questions.

“Let’s assume you’re on the street, and there is a rabid dog. You have a stick. The dog chases you. What would you do?”

I thought about his question, given the new scenario, wondering about what I could do in such a situation.

“I don’t know, Sensei.”

“You don’t know?”

“I can run away, or use the stick to keep him away.”

“Yes. Interesting choices, aren’t they?”

“Which one is the right choice, Sensei?”

“Sometimes, there are no right answers. Can you see that, Mitchell?”

“I’m not sure I understand, Sensei. How can there be no right answers?”

“Think about your options, Mitchell. Think about why you would choose one over the other.”

“If I run away, and the dog can’t catch me, I’m not in danger. If I can’t run away, I have to use the stick. That’s what I did with him most of the time, if I could; run away. When he caught me, he used to beat me. Now, I could face him, if I have to.”

“Yes, Mitchell. There is one point you have to remember. Even when you use the stick, you could still get hurt, while trying to keep the dog away. In any confrontation that is a possibility. Avoiding confrontation is better. Most of the time. There are times, however, when confrontation is inevitable. Even then, one must do anything in his power to avoid confrontation. But, once you are into a confrontation, then you do what you can and need to do to survive. That is a survival trait each of us carry with us. Martial arts give you tools. They teach you how to survive, and a discipline to use those tools. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sensei.”

“Good. The arts also teach how to avoid confrontation. We haven’t touched them yet, but we will. It helps you to deal with confrontation, and combat. Mitchell, this is very important. You have learned some skills. When you used them, you had beaten a kid that was bigger and older than you. They gave you an advantage over his size and age. But, there’s a responsibility that comes with this knowledge. You cannot use the tools indiscriminately. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sensei. It is like.. when he used his age and size to beat me. He used it for no reason at all.”

“Very good, Mitchell. And you understand that’s what made him a rabid dog, and what will make you a rabid dog! Without the discipline, it’s easy to use those tools indiscriminately. There will be times, the temptation will be very strong. Do you understand temptation, Mitchell?”

“I’m not sure, Sensei.”

“Let’s say you’re in a candy store. The owner is at the back, and there’s nobody around. You see your favorite candy in the jar. You want the candy, but you don’t have money. Since there’s nobody around, you can take the candy and leave the store. Nobody will know it. Would you?”

“But that’s stealing. It’s wrong.”

“Yes, it is. But you want the candy, Mitchell. It’s your favorite candy, and you want it. Nobody will know if you take a few pieces.”

“Yes, but... it’s still wrong.”

“Yes, it is, Mitchell. Wanting that candy is not wrong, but acting on that want, and stealing is wrong. That want will tempt you to steal it.”

“Yes, I understand, Sensei.”

“Mitchell, we are talking about stealing candy that you want, but there are many things in life that you will want. As you grow up, your wants will be different. There will be many different temptations. One of them will be the temptation to fight somebody you dislike or somebody that is trying to hurt you. The more skills you learn, the better you’ll be able to beat your opponent, so you might be tempted to beat a person to settle an argument, rather than find another solution. Want, jealousy, anger, fear, and many other feelings will confuse you, cloud your judgment, and lead you into temptation. You might want to have your own way, take what you want, overcome obstacles in your way, using these tools, especially if you don’t think about right or wrong. Sometimes, things are not as simple as in the candy example—you knew stealing is wrong. And, there will be times, you might be confused about what is right or wrong, or have no clear answers to those questions. Do you understand?

“Yes. Sensei, I know stealing is wrong, but how do I deal with other situations? You tell me I will be confused by many things.”

“Martial arts will teach you discipline, and will give you the tools to make you think clearly, to overcome the confusion. You enjoy doing your Tai Chi exercises, don’t you? You feel calm and at peace when you’re doing your exercises and you enjoy that feeling. In time you will learn to control your anger and other feelings, so that you don’t get confused. It will take time and practice, but you already know that by now. Tell me, Mitchell. Do you still want to learn Karate?”

“I wanted to learn Karate, because I thought I could use it to beat him,” I confessed, feeling apprehensive, but he nodded me to continue. “But I already beat him with Tai Chi. I don’t know if I need to learn Karate. I know I enjoy Tai Chi, very much.”

“I know that you started to enjoy Tai Chi, as I hoped you would. Do you want to continue Tai Chi, because you’ve seen what it can do?”

“Yes... but... I want to learn what you told me about. I don’t want to be a rabid dog. I think, when the time comes, I can learn Karate the way I’m learning about Tai Chi.”

“Yes, Mitchell. There are many forms of martial arts. We will examine them in time. I want you to remember this conversation and what you learned from today’s incident. That will help along the way to deal with temptation, and help you understand the essence of martial arts and its teachings. Remember that there are right ways and wrong ways of doing things. Remember also you have options. Look for them, and you’ll find them. In time, you’ll come to see options, possibilities where there were none before. Martial arts are a lifelong study and a continuous learning experience, Mitchell. Never forget that.”

 

* * * * *

 

As I was walking back home, my mind was still busy with the past, memories of Sensei and my studies. It had been quite a few years since I had thought about Sensei. I had kept up with Kenjutsu for some time under Sensei’s tutelage, but eventually, decided to stop. I had experimented with the Void, but had been reluctant to seek it, even when practicing Tai Chi. I had known all along my heart hadn’t been in Kenjutsu. My sensei had been right to warn me.

Thinking back over the last several years, I could also see I had thrown aside some of the teachings. I should have realized long ago that I was too lost in my heart-breaking love for her. The emptiness she left had scared me, because it had seemed too much like the emptiness in the Void. They were very different but, lost in my pain and hurt, I had been confused, and had turned my back on most of my training. Almost to the point of rejecting some of the teachings.

I wasn’t sure, yet, but I suspected now that I had perhaps blamed my failure on my training, and blamed myself for being a complete failure, when the training didn’t help me deal with my lost love. The anger I had directed at myself, the anger I had used to fill-up the emptiness inside (which was still there) may have had sprung from disappointment with my failed attempts to cope with the emptiness, and resentment at my training when I had not been able to find any answers. But, failure was always a possibility. Martial arts don’t give you all the answers. Sometimes there are no answers.

I should have known better. I needed to look into these questions and find the answers. Yet, for some reason, I dreaded seeking the answers. Was it because I was scared to find out how far from the path I had fallen? I shook my head to clear the dark thoughts. But of course, that didn’t help. I decided to take my time and attack the questions with patience. This could not be rushed. Once I had some answers, perhaps I would be able to deal with her, Dana, my family and my friends. A year ago, unknowingly, Pops had given me a partial key, but I had not been able to use what he had given me to full effect. Now, Dana had helped with her love. She didn’t know it, even I hadn’t known it at the time, but her love had been a catalyst. I could see that, now. My subconscious had probably recognized it before I had. Perhaps, that’s why I had felt such a bond with Dana. Were my feelings for her based on gratitude or was it love?

I thought about my feelings, and every time I came up with the same answer. I loved her. There was no question about it. There was gratitude, but my love for Dana was beyond that gratitude. Was I in love with her? I couldn’t say. I needed more time to dig into that question and understand my feelings. I probably had to complete my own personal journey first, before I could commit myself to anybody. Whenever I did commit, I wanted to give my very best, but I wasn’t at my best yet. Now, I could see that. It had been at the back of my mind, but now, it was obvious. Was this another reason why I had not wanted to be around people who loved me, family and friends? Perhaps.

I needed to know how far I had strayed from my path, my course, before I could complete my journey. What’s more, I had to find out what journey I was going to take and if it was the right journey, for the right reasons. It looked like a very complex, almost an insurmountable task and for a moment I panicked, before forcefully reminding myself, every journey started with a simple, single step, and built upon similar steps along the way. Hadn’t I started with Tai Chi in the same way, without knowing what I was getting myself into, except wanting to get the chance to learn something else, and for all the wrong reasons?

 

* * * * *

 

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