It was time once again for the annual Golden Clitorides Awards Gala, and La Taverna's rooftop open-air lyceum was filling to capacity with authors, fans, and their guests. For Gary, in his guise as acting moderator, it was a Shakespeare in Love moment; "The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster." He could only hope all would turn out well. How that might happen remained, like Rui Jorge's whereabouts, a mystery.
Gary searched frantically for his Muse. He found her in the wings, gorging on chocolate... his chocolate! Setting aside his momentary outrage, he appealed, "Quick! You've gotta do the finger-snap thing. I can't find the golden clits or the envelopes with the winners!"
His Muse waved her chocolate covered fingers, well-separated. "Nothing I can do for that right now, until this mess is licked off my fingers." Spotting Jack Lipton in the front row, she headed his way. "Oh Soupy, sweety, can you do me a little favor?"
Gary looked around again. Spotting the Birthday Nymph with an older couple, he approached, but waited until she was done with them. "Since you're both sixty-nine today, and it's your fiftieth wedding anniversary, I'll grant you each a wish," he overheard.
The older woman said, "I'd like us to be able to take an around-the-world cruise together." The Birthday Nymph waved her wand, and a fistfull of tickets appeared in the grateful woman's hand. Her face shone.
The older gentleman said, "Well, no offense and all, but a wish is a wish - I'd like a wife thirty years younger than me." The Birthday Nymph once again waved her wand, and his wish was granted.
Staring at the ninety-nine year old man, Gary decided this might not be the best time to ask BN for assistance. But what could he do, he wondered. Without BN or The Muse, he could only appeal to a higher power.
So he did. "Excuse me, Your Editorship, could you spare a moment?" Gary quickly sketched the problem.
The Editor looked the problem over, and whipped out a flaming blue pencil. "This should fix it. Just change 'Gala' to 'Game', and everything should work out. Although I'm not sure I like that semicolon in the second sentence."
"Game?"
"Yes. I suggest you call it, 'Where In The World Is Carmen... er, Rui Jorge?' Are you sure you want to keep that semicolon?"
Gary hurriedly made the suggested changes.
It was time once again for the annual Golden Clitorides Awards Game, and La Taverna's rooftop open-air lyceum was filling to capacity with authors, fans, and their guests. For Gary, in his guise as acting moderator, it was a Shakespeare in Love moment - "The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster." He could only hope all would turn out well. How that might happen remained, like Rui Jorge's whereabouts, a mystery: "Where In The World Is Rui Jorge?"
Behind him on the stage appeared a giant world map, consisting of liftable squares, suggesting that something might be hidden behind each tile. In his hands, Gary suddenly found a set of rules, and a first clue. He began to read into the microphone.
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen and so forth, to the 2004 Golden Clitorides Awards." He read down the rules... this was ridiculous! It would add hours to the Awards ceremony. Using his own trusty Scripto, he changed "Game" back to "Gala" - but left out the semicolon. "The only rules I wish to explain is that of ranking the winners in some categories. Where a winner commanded a majority of the votes, that winner stands alone. Where a simple plurality prevailed, I awarded second or even third place honors, until the winners totalled among them a majority of the votes cast. Oh, and the awards will remain here on stage until the end, when all the recipients can come up at once. That said, would one of my lovely assistants fetch the results from behind the tiles on the map?"
Birthday Nymph fluttered up to the square containing Bosnia, and returned with two Golden Clits and an envelope. Opening the envelope, Gary announced, "In the category Best Author, 2004, second place goes to Don Lockwood. And the winner is... Night Hawk."
Before Gary could request it, his Muse placed five golden clits and an envelope before him. "For Best New Author, third place is a three-way tie among Lazlo Zalezac, Girl Friday, and Jeremy Spencer. Second Place goes to Joe J. And the Winner is... Andrew Wiggin."
The Golden Clits and envelopes kept coming. No sooner did the applause begin to abate then he had the next set.
"Let's move along to Best Flash Story of the Year. Second place goes to Ocean Mist by Dryad. And the winner is... Girl Friday's Always & Forever.
"Next up is Best Short Story by a New Author. Second place belongs to A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow by Jeremy Spencer. And the winner is... Reunion by Girl Friday.
"The second best Short Story of the Year goes to The Ghost of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood. Not so surprisingly, the winner is... You Dance by that same Don Lockwood.
"Now for the Golden Clit for Best Long Story by a New Author. Third place goes to Twice Lucky by Joe J, and second is Geek Goddess by Trybble. And the winner is... Death by Fucking by Andrew Wiggin.
"For Long Story of the Year, third place is a tie for Finding a Place by Don Lockwood and Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie. Second goes to Death by Fucking by Andrew Wiggin. And the winner is... Summer Camp - Book 2: Gina by Nick Scipio.
"For Best Series, the number two spot goes to the Summer Camp series by Nick Scipio. And the winner is... Don Lockwood's Naked in School Series.
"In the Best Serial category, Rewind by Don Lockwood takes third place honors, Kelly by Night Hawk is second, and the winner is... Once More With Feelings, also by Night Hawk.
"Now we turn our attention to the specialty awards.
"The Best Erotic Poetry award, which includes original lyrics for songs, goes to Dr. Seuss Provides the Girls by Be287m.
"The award for Best Seasonal Story goes to The Ghosts of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood.
"Next is the award for Classic Clit. Second prize belongs to Castle In The Sand by Deana Johns, But the winner is... Tales of the Golden Mule by Artie."
Gary smiled. "And now for my favorite category, Best Romantic Story. For third place, we have another three-way. I mean, three-way tie." Gary blushed. "Becka, the Beast by Sacwriter, The Ghost of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood, and Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf share that honor. The number two position goes to Havana Club by Stickland83. And the winner is...Finding a Place by Don Lockwood.
"For Best Same Sex Story, second goes to I Taught Her That by Alexis Siefert, and the winner is... Becka, the Beast by Sacwriter.
"The Golden Clit for Best Mind Control Story goes to JimC's Lucky Tickets. The Best BDSM Story is Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB.
"In the contest for Best Heterosexual Story, Don Lockwood shares third and second with himself for You Dance and Finding a Place, respectively. But the winner is...Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie.
"The award for Best Humor Story goes Andrew Wiggin's 'Death by Fucking'. In the category for Best Science Fiction or Fantasy Story, second place belongs to The Talosian Chronicles: Book 1 - Star Dancer by Ellagon. And the winner is... Twice Lucky by Joe J.
"Finally, we have the Sterling Silver Award for the best of the winners of the Silver Clitorides Awards. All of these stories are winners, but your votes chose three as the best of the best. Those three are... Scouting by Alexis Siefert, Summer Camp - Book 2: Gina by Nick Scipio, and Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie.
"On behalf of Rui Jorge and everyone who helped with this year's awards, I'd like to thank each and every one of the authors for sharing their talents with us, and to thank the fans who took the time to vote. Congrats to everyone!"
-- Gary Jordan
"Wait! One last item. I'd like to share an excerpt from an e-mail I received October 13, 2004:
Subject: a missing pervert returns :0)
Hi Gary,
Hmm... This thing of writing a 'back from the death note' is definitely not easy, couldn't quite make my mind about the best way to start. Starting it with 'I'm not dead yet!' seemed a bit too crass, and the other starts I came up with seemed all too unsuitable for one reason or other (mostly they all sounded too whiny to my taste). So I decided on a rambling start, I'm good at that. :0)
Anyway, I haven't been at my best recently, and haven't been online in these past few weeks because of that. Getting sick when one isn't in a particularly cheerful mood really does make getting back to your old routine quite hard.
<snip permission to proceed>
Regards,
Rui Jorge
"Welcome back, Rui, and get well soon!"
-- Gary Jordan
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Anais Ninja | Finalist |
| Ann Douglas | Finalist |
| Desdmona | Finalist |
| DotB | Finalist |
| El Sol | Finalist |
| Ellagon | Finalist |
| Emily | Finalist |
| Don Lockwood | Second |
| Gil Gamesh | Finalist |
| Gina Marie Wylie | Finalist |
| Girl Friday | Finalist |
| Harriet Scott | Finalist |
| Holly Rennick | Finalist |
| Jack C Lipton | Finalist |
| Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Joe J | Finalist |
| Julie Hypnotic | Finalist |
| MWTB | Finalist |
| Nick Scipio | Finalist |
| Night Hawk | Winner |
| Night Wolf | Finalist |
| Nujbaf | Finalist |
| Paul Story | Finalist |
| Powerone | Finalist |
| scout | Finalist |
| Spacer X | Finalist |
| Switch Blayde | Finalist |
| Tenyari | Finalist |
| Thinking Horndog | Finalist |
| Trybble | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Always & Forever by Girl Friday | Winner |
| Need-Leash by Mike Kimera | Finalist |
| Ocean Mist by Dryad | Second |
| Population by Selena Jardine | Finalist |
| White Flag by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| The Catch by Paul Story | Finalist |
| Catsondra by BAP | Finalist |
| Every Naked Body by Decker | Finalist |
| The Departed Psychic Lover by Lon T. Ryden | Finalist |
| The Ghost of Chrismas Past by Don Lockwood | Second |
| Hot by Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| I Want to Watch You Do It by Mike Kimera | Finalist |
| Joy And Happiness by Ann Douglas | Finalist |
| A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Michelle's Story: 'Alejandro Me Dijo' by El Sol | Finalist |
| Reunion by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| Russian Roulette (MF, impreg, F-solo) by Leah S. | Finalist |
| Scouting by Alexis Siefert | Finalist |
| Spirit Renewed by Heathen57 | Finalist |
| Things to do in Arles by be287m | Finalist |
| Too Late by Dryad | Finalist |
| You Dance by Don Lockwood | Winner |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| American Holidays by Mike Kimera | Finalist |
| The Brennan Stories by Uther Pendragon | Finalist |
| The Circle by Plains Cree | Finalist |
| Emily's Sexy Family Blog by Emily | Finalist |
| Emi Tsuruta's Letters by Emi Tsuruta | Finalist |
| It Was Almost Like a Song by Heathen57 | Finalist |
| John Carter Series by Lazlo Zalezac | Finalist |
| The Misadventures of Ace Dyson by DrSpin | Finalist |
| The Naked in School Stories by Don Lockwood | Winner |
| The Stringbreaker Series by El Sol | Finalist |
| Twice Lucky by Joe J | Finalist |
| Summer Camp by Nick Scipio | Second |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Cam Trouble by Harriet Scott | Finalist |
| Cammie Sue part 2 by Real Life Dragon | Finalist |
| Campus Capers: ENGL 369 Creative Writing by Lady Kokomo | Finalist |
| Charlotte's Movie (A Beautiful Mess) by Ken Randall | Finalist |
| Genesis by Mandorin | Finalist |
| Joanna's First Gynecological Exam by Powerone | Finalist |
| Kelly by Night Hawk | Second |
| The Measure Of Man by Gil Gamesh | Finalist |
| A Master's Ring by El Sol | Finalist |
| Mommy, show me how! by scout | Finalist |
| Naked High by Don Lockwood | Finalist |
| New Year by Martinmac | Finalist |
| Once More With Feelings by Night Hawk | Winner |
| Pete: A Young Man's Story by Magi | Finalist |
| Phoenix Rising by Anais Ninja | Finalist |
| Playing the Game III by Reverand Cotton Mather | Finalist |
| Rewind by Don Lockwood | Third |
| Robin by John Smith | Finalist |
| Six times a day by Spacer X | Finalist |
| Summer Camp Book 3 - Kendall by Nick Scipio | Finalist |
| Tales of the eKids by Andrew Wiggin | Finalist |
| Trace by Decker | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Abby | Finalist |
| Andrew Wiggin | Winner |
| Be287m | Finalist |
| Catmandu99 | Finalist |
| CWatson | Finalist |
| Dirty Little Claudia | Finalist |
| Ellagon | Finalist |
| Girl Friday | Third |
| Heathen57 | Finalist |
| Immodicus Furor | Finalist |
| Jeremy Spencer | Third |
| Joe J | Second |
| Lazlo Zalezac | Third |
| MWTB | Finalist |
| Paul Story | Finalist |
| R. Zeen | Finalist |
| scout | Finalist |
| Spacer x | Finalist |
| Strickland83 | Finalist |
| Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| Thinking Horndog | Finalist |
| Trybble | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Anticipation by Trybble | Finalist |
| A Cat's Tale by Catmandu99 | Finalist |
| The Catch by Paul Story | Finalist |
| Freak Show by Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| Hot by Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| A Kiss At The End Of The Rainbow by Jeremy Spencer | Second |
| Leah goes nightclubbing by Leah S. | Finalist |
| Restaurant Revenge by R. Zeen | Finalist |
| Reunion by Girl Friday | Winner |
| Triangle World by Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| Visions Of Johanna by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Arie and Brandon Naked In School by CWatson | Finalist |
| Death by Fucking by Andew Wiggin | Winner |
| Geek Goddess by Trybble | Second |
| The General by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| Havana Club by Stickland83 | Finalist |
| Jason And Jennifer Naked In School by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| John Carter by Lazlo Zalezac | Finalist |
| Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Once and Future Lovers by Paul Story | Finalist |
| The Pop-Up Camper by Strickland83 | Finalist |
| Second Best by Thinking Horndog | Finalist |
| The Talosian Chronicles: Book1 - Star Dancer by Ellagon | Finalist |
| Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB | Finalist |
| Twice Lucky by Joe J | Third |
| Twice Lucky II: Time for a change by Joe J | Finalist |
| Two Minute Penalties by Be287m | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Correspondence by Susannah Hogendorn | Finalist |
| Curious by William Dean | Finalist |
| Dr. Seuss Provides the Girls by Be287m | Winner |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| A Cat's Tale by Catmandu99 | Finalist |
| Christmas at the Beach by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| An Erotic Christmas Carol by El Sol | Finalist |
| The Ghost of Chrismas Past by Don Lockwood | Winner |
| Mardi Gras by Marie Leclare | Finalist |
| I Saw Mommie Fucking Santa Clause by Trybble | Finalist |
| Jesus, Mary And Joseph by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Artifacts by Net Wolf | Finalist |
| Castle In The Sand by Deana Johns | Second |
| Next Door Neighbor by Dorsai | Finalist |
| Santa Claws by Mike Kimera | Finalist |
| Strip Chess by Delta | Finalist |
| Tales of the Golden Mule by Artie | Winner |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Becka, the Beastby Sacwriter | Third |
| Dance of a Lifetime by Don Lockwood | Nominee3 |
| Dancing Lessons by Holly Rennick | Finalist |
| Falling by Decker | Finalist |
| Finding a Place by Don Lockwood | Winner |
| Freak Show by Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| Friends and Lovers by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| The General by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| The Ghost of Chrismas Past by Don Lockwood | Third |
| Happy Anniversary by Mike Kimera | Finalist |
| Havana Club by Stickland83 | Second |
| I Met My Old Lover by Stickland83 | Finalist |
| Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf | Third |
| Ocean Mist by Dryad | Finalist |
| Once and Future Lovers by Paul Story | Finalist |
| Reunion by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| Samantha's Secret by Don Lockwood | Finalist |
| Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB | Finalist |
| You Dance by Don Lockwood | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Becka, the Beast by Sacwriter | Winner |
| Dying Declaration by Nina | Finalist |
| Every Naked Body by Decker | Finalist |
| I Taught Her That by Alexis Siefert | Second |
| Journal of a Journey by Abby | Finalist |
| New For Me by Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| Nine Holes by Decker | Finalist |
| Sadie and the Moon by Sam Cornell | Finalist |
| Terri and Sammy, a Love Story by hotwetnshaved | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Ahead of the Game by Night Wolf | Finalist |
| Akiko’s New Protégé by Aerosol Kid | Finalist |
| Journal of a Journey by Abby | Finalist |
| Lucky Tickets by JimC | Winner |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| Bus Ride by Mike Kimera | Finalist |
| Lights! Camera! Action! by Gato Medio | Finalist |
| Serena by Arty | Finalist |
| Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB | Winner |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| The Birthday Gift by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| The Catch by Paul Story | Finalist |
| Dance of a Lifetime by Don Lockwood | Nominee3 |
| Eddies by Dryad | Finalist |
| Finding a Place by Don Lockwood | Second |
| The General by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| Jesus, Mary And Joseph by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf | Finalist |
| The Phantom of the subway by Carlos Malenkov | Finalist |
| Reunion by Girl Friday | Finalist |
| Scouting by Alexis Siefert | Finalist |
| Tired of Being the Nice Guy by MWTB | Finalist |
| Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie | Winner |
| You Dance by Don Lockwood | Third |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| A*F*T*S by Russell Hoisington | Finalist |
| Black Spider in B Cup, White by DrSpin | Finalist |
| Death by Fucking by Andew Wiggin | Winner |
| Great Performances by Juanwildone | Finalist |
| Into the Woods by Decker | Finalist |
| It's All Academic by Parthenogenesis | Finalist |
| I Was Raped By A Twelve-Limbed Tentacle Monster While King Kong Jacked Off Over Tokyo by Jeremy Spencer | Finalist |
| A Letter to Santa & Reply by Catmandu99 & TonyJ | Finalist |
| The Morning I Had A New Penis by Sydney Beier | Finalist |
| WMD by Jack C. Lipton | Finalist |
| Author | Finish |
|---|---|
| A Charmed Experience" by Paul Story | Finalist |
| Death by Fucking by Andew Wiggin | Finalist |
| John Carter by Lazlo Zalezac | Finalist |
| Lives Alone of Stone by Alexis Siefert | Nominee3 |
| Robert Steel by DB_Story | Finalist |
| The Talosian Chronicles: Book1 - Star Dancer by Ellagon | Second |
| Twice Lucky by Joe J | Winner |
| Twice Lucky II: Time for a change by Joe J | Finalist |
| With Good Intentions by Cait N. | Finalist |
| Story | Month |
|---|---|
| A Pirate's Party by Dryad | July 2003 |
| Black Spider in B Cup, White by DrSpin | July 2003 |
| Reunion by Girl Friday | August 2003 |
| The General by Girl Friday | August 2003 |
| What Do You Dream Of? by Don Lockwood | September 2003 |
| White Stucco Walls by Alexis Siefert | October 2003 |
| Summer Camp Book 2: Gina by Nick Scipio | October 2003 |
| Curse of the Bambino by Don Lockwood | October 2003 |
| Naked in School: Bobby and Kathy by Night Wolf | November 2003 |
| The Ghosts Of Christmas Past by Don Lockwood | December 2003 |
| Scouting by Alexis Siefert | January 2004 |
| Love At First Sight by Jeremy Spencer | February 2004 |
| Modern Day Fairy Tale by Girl Friday | March 2004 |
| Tom's Diary by Gina Marie Wylie | April 2004 |
| It Was Sexual Right From The Start by gentlebutfirm | May 2004 |
| Dancing Lessons by Holly Rennick | June 2004 |
| Havana Club by Strickland83 | June 2004 |
Notes:
1 All nominees as of Rui Jorge's last update are assumed to be finalists.
2 Any authors who requested that their names and stories be removed from the list of nominees have had their wishes respected.
3 Any authors who requested that their names and stories be removed from the list of finalists have had their wishes respected as well.