"No fucking way."
"Swear to God, Bobby."
"No. Stacey, you've got to be joking. Right?"
"I'm not. Look for yourself."
"Fine. What's the address?"
Stacy typed in the web address for me, and in no time there it was. Big as life, and by the look of it a few thousand words long.
The full title was I Was Raped By A Twelve-Limbed Tentacle Monster While King Kong Jacked Off Over Tokyo.
"I told you," she gloated, laughing at my shocked expression.
"Why did someone name a story like that?"
"That's what it's about, silly."
I had no idea what this could possibly be about. What the hell is a tentacle monster anyway? It certainly didn't sound like anything I'd want to run into in a dark alley.
"It's about someone getting raped by a tentacle monster?"
"Not just a tentacle monster, but a twelve-limbed tentacle monster."
"Does it make a difference?"
"Probably to the tentacle monster." Oh, right. Obviously it makes a difference to the twelve-limbed tentacle monster, because having twelve tentacles is clearly better than having... fewer than twelve tentacles. Like eleven tentacles, God forbid. How gauche!
"And what's that about King Kong?"
"Oh, King Kong's the most important character. He jacks off and shoots his load over Tokyo."
"And this is important because..."
"Silly, because Tokyo is on fire."
"Oh, why didn't you say so! Toyko is on fire?"
"Uh huh."
"From King Kong?"
"No! Why would he put out his own fire?"
Right, how silly of me to even suggest something so obviously ludicrous!
"He puts out the fire? How?"
"Are you stupid, or what? With his cum!"
"So he saves Tokyo."
"Yes."
"With his gorilla semen."
"Yes."
"Because he jacked off. He jacked off, and that saved Tokyo. From the fire that King Kong didn't set, because it would be stupid to jack off and put out a fire that he set."
"Duh... it's all in the title."
"Yeah, but who started the fire?"
"Godzilla." Of course, this was Tokyo. Godzilla must be there.
"Why would Godzilla do that?"
"Because that's what Godzilla does!"
"And King Kong just happened to come by and jack off?"
"I guess. That's what the story said happened."
"And he shot so much cum that it put out a big fire."
"Yeah."
"How much cum can one gorilla shoot?" No, seriously. How much cum can one gorilla shoot? Inquiring minds want to know.
"King Kong's pretty big."
"I suppose."
"They don't call him King Kong for nothing."
"Fine. So. What's the deal with the tentacle monster again?" Stacey rolled her eyes as if she was talking to a three year-old.
"Christ, Bobby! Didn't you read the story?" I nodded.
"Yeah." Of course I'd read it. Why would I not have read it? I was offended that she would think I would not read it and then say I'd read it. It was an affront to all that was good and sacred that she thought I hadn't read it, when I so clearly had read it. I was morally wounded by her accusations.
Okay... I'll admit it... I hadn't read it.
"Then you know that the tentacle monster rapes Japanese schoolgirl virgins."
"Oh. Right." Wait a minute... "Why does it do this?"
"Because that's what it does!"
"Because it's a twelve-limbed tentacle monster. Of course. It's so obvious."
"Is it clear now?"
"I guess."
"Well good, because there's a sequel that's supposed to be posted next week, and I think it should be really good."
"What's it called?"
"Satan Rode Into Town With King Kong's Dick On A Stick and Killed All The Lawyers."
"And that's a sequel?"
"Sure."
"It doesn't sound anything like a sequel."
"Well it is. The author says right here that it's a sequel."
"But what about the twelve-limbed tentacle monster?"
Or Godzilla? Or the Japanese schoolgirl virgins? Well, the last part is a stupid question. Of course the Japanese schoolgirl virgins aren't in it, since they got raped by the twelve-limbed tentacle monsters. Hoo boy! You're not a virgin anymore, not after being raped by a twelve-limbed tentacle monster!
"I guess it's a sequel because King Kong's in both of them."
"Oh. And people read these?"
"Oh sure. They're very popular with Japanese businessmen."
"Why?"
"The sex is really hot."
"Oh."
I really wanted to know if it was the virgin-raping tentacle monster sex that was so hot, or if it gobs and gobs of King Kong's gorilla cum that got the Japanese businessmen so hot and bothered, but figured maybe it was better that I didn't know.
"Well, I guess that explains it."
"Yep."
"So, you wanna watch a movie tonight?"
"Sure."
"Which one?"
Please God, no tentacle monsters. Nothing with tentacle monsters. I'll watch anything as long as it doesn't have tentacle monsters in it.
"Steel Magnolias?"
"Sure."
"Cool."