The 2001 Golden Clitorides Awards

The banquet room was bathed in the soft light from dozens of chandeliers and literally vibrated from the buzz of conversation going on at the elegant round dinner tables. Evidently ASSTR had spared no expense for this awards ceremony.

Five minutes after the scheduled starting time, a flushed and slightly disheveled Rui Jorge emerged from behind a red brocade curtain and approached the microphone on stage. The crowd gradually quieted.

"Sorry," Rui said, sounding slightly out of breath. "I was having a problem with my fly -- I mean, tie." His face turned an even darker shade of red as a few people laughed.

"I'm sure you're all anxious to find out the winners of this years Golden Clitorides Awards. I, for one, was happy with the amount of people who voted. We had quite a few more votes this year than last year, most likely because of the added categories." He clamped his mouth shut as if he realized that people wanted to know the winners, not listen to him babble on and on.

"Just one more thing, since there are more categories this year, this thing would last for two days if everyone gave a speech. What with all the congratulating, back stabbing and fondling going on in this room, we'll be lucky to get out before dawn."

Rui picked up a gilded envelope from the podium in front of him. He cleared his throat. "The winner for Best Short Story by a New Author is... 'Chicago Transit' by Anna T!"

There was a squeal of delight from the audience, and then a loud thud. A small group gathered around a figure lying slumped over her salad plate. "It's okay," Jimmy Hat said. "Just the excitement or something. She'll be fine."

Rui ran a finger under his collar. "Um, well, okay. The winner for Best Long Story by a New Author is... 'Dance of a Lifetime' by Frank Downey!"

Frank, decked out in an ebony tux with a stark white bow tie, stood up and simply bowed, first toward the stage, and then toward his fellow writers. As he sat down, Aphrodite threw her arms around his neck and exclaimed, "I knew you could do it!"

"And, the winner for Best New Author is... Frank Downey!"

Frank's face turned a bit pink as he got up once again and bowed. This time when he sat back down, Aphrodite gave him a loud kiss.

Rui picked up another envelope. "And now, for the winner of Short Story of the Year." He looked up and grinned. "We have our first tie! The winners are... 'Summer Awakenings' by John A and 'Mallory' by Katie McN!"

John A let out a whoop of surprise and excitement and kissed the closest woman to him. It turned out to be Souvie, who blushed a bright red.

Katie McN tried to stand and acknowledge her award, but Claudette and Lexi both tackled her and the three went down in a tangle of arms, legs, and 4 inch high heels.

"Well, I think both winners are happy," Rui said with a big smile. "The winner of Long Story of the Year is... another tie! The winners are 'Pavlova's Bitches' by Oosh and 'Fonda and Cat' by John A and Virago Blue!"

Virago stood up and with a great war cry, swung her sword in a wide circle. Those at her table, including John A who was in the process of standing up himself, ducked quickly. Her chain mail glinting in the light from the chandeliers, Virago smiled at John A. He grinned back, no words necessary.

In the back of the room, sitting next to Hecate, Oosh stood up, smoothed her hands down her fashionable black tuxedo pants and said, that honey rich accent of hers sending a shiver down every red blooded man's toes, "Thank you."

Rui, still lost in the sound of Oosh's voice, shook his head to clear whatever stray thought's he had. "Next to last, we have Best Series/Serial." He looked at the envelope as if to make sure of what he saw. "We have our third tie! The winners of Best Series/Serial are 'Dance of a Lifetime' by Frank Downey and 'Pavlova's Bitches' by Oosh!"

Frank bowed again, this time a bit embarrassed. Aphrodite didn't think the smile would leave Frank's face for at least a month.

Oosh, in her unobtrusive manner, mumbled another "thank you".

"And now," Rui said with gusto. "We come to the biggie... Author of the Year." He tapped the envelope with one hand. "We have our fourth tie here. The winners of Author of the Year are... Al Steiner and Katie McN!"

Katie, just having untangled herself from Claudette and Lexi, found herself smothered in good wishes again, Anna T. joining in this time. Rui wondered if the women were ever going to come up for air.

Al, standing against the wall in the back of the room, was at a loss for words. He waved, then stuck his hands in his pockets.

Rui, clearly in a hurry to get to one of the after ceremony parties, concluded his duties as host. "This has been the 2001 Golden Clitorides Awards. Remember, drive safely and fuck even safelier... or is that safer? More safe?" Rui scratched his head as he walked off stage. He'd have to ask Denny about that one. He was glad he wasn't a writer.