Have you ever wished that life would give you just one more chance? Have you ever lain in bed awake, night after night, reliving the awful moment of your mistake, and cursed yourself for being a complete idiot?
We all thought of ourselves as completely straight. We were just college friends who liked to chat and socialize. Nothing strange about that. I don't suppose it crossed any of our minds – certainly not mine – that real life might be a little more complicated.
Tina was in some of my classes, and we were just vaguely friendly to begin with. She had a boyfriend, a college boy. So did I. But then we both became friendly with Lucia, and we all became much closer.
What was it about Lucia? Certainly she was a little different — but most definitely straight. She was an exchange student from South America, a Latina, several years older than Tina and me. She was very much the creative type, more experienced, ready to talk about her background — and her love life, too. She fascinated us. Our rooms were all on the same landing, so we would often meet in the little kitchen making coffee. Soon we were taking turns to make coffee for one another, and so it became our habit to work together in one room — and then of course we would chat.
Lucia enjoyed our company. Often she would have a nice bottle of wine for us. She was very affectionate and outgoing. She liked hugging, cuddling and touching. She particularly liked touching our hair. She would tell us how nice it was, how much she liked it. Often she'd ask Tina or me to sit in her lap – Tina and I are petite, but she was quite big-built. And then she would love to stroke our hair; and from time to time she would tickle us. She was such a lovely, cuddly person.
Now Lucia had a most colourful love life. She didn't make any secret of it — or not to us, anyway. When we met up in the evenings, she would love to regale us with detailed accounts of her intimate experiences; and we, the novices, would listen wide-eyed, panting at her steamy story-telling. For the truth is that Lucia had a wild side to her. She was not afraid of courting scandal: she was dating a married man, and gave us to understand that she had one or two others whom she could count on for a little variety.
In short, Tina and I gravitated to her. Tina was reasonably attractive, nothing out of the ordinary; but Lucia – well, she was tall, strong, curvy – and she just exuded sex-appeal. Not that I thought about that very much — until afterwards.
As the winter drew on, and it grew darker and colder out, we tended to stay in more during the evenings. I loved to hear Lucia playing her guitar, and she liked to have someone to listen, so I'd often go in there in the evening — almost every night in fact. Sometimes I'd take a book, if I was supposed to be studying, but mostly I'd just relax.
One night I went to her room as usual. It was quite late; but then she was a night bird, as was I. She opened a bottle of wine and sat talking and drinking. Later still, Tina arrived and joined in our chatter. I don't remember what we were talking about now – although I think it might have been something to do with men – but eventually we started teasing one another, just stupid jokes. Nobody was taking it seriously; we were just laughing and drinking. But then one of us – I can't remember who it was – pretended to be very insulted and grabbed a cushion. Lucia took a pillow off her bed and threw me one, and soon we were having a pillow-fight. One of us would see another being resoundingly thumped, and howl with laughter; and at that moment the aggressor would turn on us and thump us too, and it seemed even funnier. Occasionally one of us would duck out of the fight to have another quick swig of wine. We were all having great fun and being completely silly. Eventually I gave Tina a glorious thump and she was determined to get her revenge. Perhaps Lucia began to feel a little left out. Whatever it was, she pulled out, protesting that we were being stupid, that this was a game for little schoolgirls.
But Tina and I continued our battle and it began to get more serious, a bit more physical. We dropped our pillows and began to wrestle. I was stronger than Tina, so I got her down on the floor. I managed to sit on her stomach so that she was completely pinned. She was wriggling and struggling. I liked the feel of her under me. She was half cross, half laughing. I kept taunting her, saying that I could do anything I wished to her and she wouldn't be able to stop me. I bounced up and down a couple of times, and she had to brace herself so that she wasn't winded. And then she couldn't stop laughing. I bent down so that my face was close to hers, and for a moment I think we might have been tempted to kiss — but we didn't. We were both laughing like mad things. And then, in desperation, she got a hand free and began to tickle me. I could feel myself weakening, but I didn't want to let her escape. So I got one of the pillows that was on the floor beside us and pressed it over her face. Then I put all my weight upon her, holding the pillow down with my own face. I could feel her writhing under me. It was incredibly exciting. I heard her moaning and screaming beneath the pillow, and I began to rub myself against her, helpless with laughter now that I'd really got her pinned again.
But then, at the height of my excitement, I felt someone pulling at me from behind: it was Lucia, coming to Tina's rescue. And as I have said, Lucia was a good deal bigger and stronger than I. She just threw me back on to the floor, and in no time she was upon me, pinning my hands so that I couldn't move. Her hands were incredibly strong. I started kicking and screaming then. Lucia called to Tina to hold my legs, which Tina was most willing to do. I was yelling at them to let me go, but Lucia just held me and waited for me to quieten down. I might have stood a chance against Lucia on her own, but against both of them I was helpless. I tried to move my arms, but Lucia's hands were much too strong for me.
Then, when I was quiet, Lucia asked Tina how she would like to get her own back for what I had done to her. They were chuckling, discussing between themselves what kind of torture was most appropriate. My mind was in overdrive, wondering what on earth they would think of. And then Tina suggested tickling me.
We were still laughing. Even I was laughing. Of course, I was protesting, but it was half play-acting. It was just a joke between friends. The whole thing was just horseplay.
Well, I'm not very ticklish, so it took them quite a while to find my weak spots. To tell the truth, I was really enjoying them touching me. Of course I teased them, saying that they'd never find out where I was ticklish. I think Lucia might have guessed that I was beginning to enjoy it. I'm not sure. Certainly she refused to give up. That's when it really started to get erotic for me – when she started sliding her hands up under my blouse. I remember her hands moving, exploring, up and up, and I was on my back, shrieking and panting, and she was watching me, moving so deliberately, until her fingers reached my breasts.
I have fairly small breasts. Usually I don't wear a bra, and I wasn't on that occasion. I read somewhere recently that small breasts are more sensitive, because the nerve-endings are closer together. I don't know how they find these things out, but I would not be surprised if it were true.
When she saw how crazy she was making me, she slid my blouse and vest right up, insisting that Tina take a look at my breasts. That seemed to madden them further, and the next thing I knew they were intent on getting my clothes off. They were really rough, too, tugging off my blouse and flannel under-vest, and then my jeans, leaving me in nothing but my panties. That, I think, was the most erotic thing of all for me: being stripped roughly like that.
When they had stripped me, Lucia just looked at me, and I wondered what she was going to do next. And then she just leaned forward, so that her long hair fell into my face, trying to tickle me. It was torturous: I lashed my head from side to side. I really wanted to rub my nose.
But next she gathered her hair into a little tuft like a brush, and began tickling my breasts with it. She must have realized that she was really getting to me now. I was screaming and begging her to stop. It was torture, and yet delicious, both at the same time. All over my chest she tickled me, and while I continued to scream and beg they were laughing and taunting me.
Eventually Lucia tired of that game, and to my surprise just lowered her face on to my belly. She didn't bite me or kiss me: she just rubbed her face gently to and fro on my skin. And then she started to work her way lower and lower. I began to struggle. It's very difficult to know where the invisible line is drawn, the line between horseplay and something serious. But I began to feel that it was getting serious, and I was becoming a little afraid. And as her face got close to my crotch, I began to struggle more. They were screaming and laughing, and I was screaming even harder that I wanted the game to stop. She was touching me, touching me down there! I squirmed and struggled, and felt her mouth bang rather hard against my cunt — although not painfully hard.
At that, Lucia suddenly stopped, sat up and put her hand to her mouth. We all fell quiet. It was an accident, but I think I must have hurt her a little. There was a trace of blood on her lip. And all my arousal turned into a kind of frustrated annoyance. I pretended to be hurt, too, wanting their sympathy and attention.
But the mood was broken, and soon we went off to bed.
After that, the three of us socialized together quite normally, as if nothing had happened. But a few days later, I found myself with Lucia in my room, just the two of us, working. After a while she stood behind me and played with my hair. She started talking about the book she was reading. She was so gentle. I found myself trying to relax, trying not to show my fear. She kept interrupting me, asking me for a pencil or a piece of paper. I think she was trying to tell me something, but couldn't find the courage. And then, just before she left, she shyly confided to me that our little game had filled her with a strange passion. She told me that she liked my body when I was wrestling with her and Tina. She said that at night she had intense dreams about it. And then she looked away, and said she'd love it if we could play the same game together, just she and I. I don't know why: I felt afraid again. I could not look at her. I just said “no,” trying to make it sound very definite. She nodded, then, and drifted away. We were afraid to look at one another. I am sure she felt bad about asking. Certainly, after that there was a coolness between us. The old intimacy had somehow gone, and after that we saw less and less of one another.
It took a long time for me – at least a couple of years – to come to terms with that strange experience, and what it revealed in me. During that time, I had the occasional boyfriend, of course, and it was fun; but somehow my heart wasn't in it. I kept thinking back to that night, of Lucia holding me down on the carpet. Somehow, in my recollection, nothing quite touched it. Being roughly stripped of my clothes... Those pauses when they debated what to do next, and my imagination went spinning off into overdrive... I was just so happy and excited. Like Lucia, I found that the events of that evening had made their mark on my imagination. I kept recalling them, trying to remember every little detail. I began dreaming of what might have happened if I hadn't said “no.”
Have you ever wished that life would give you just one more chance to get things right? Have you ever lain in bed awake, night after night, wishing that instead of “no,” you had said “yes”? Have you ever cursed your foolish fears?
Next time such an opportunity comes – if it ever does – I'll seize it with both hands, that I know.