Tuesday, October 09, 2001 –
Q: I came home early from work one day last week and went into my 14-year-old daughter's room to tell her I was home and had the shock of my life. I found her with her best girl friend, both nude and fondling each other's private parts. I made her friend go home and spanked my daughter for the first time in four years.
She admitted that it is not the first time they have done something like this. I am worried sick that she is gay. She says that she and her friend are not gay and like boys, and that they were just experimenting.
I have grounded her indefinitely and forbidden her to see this friend. She thinks this is unfair. Since I work and so does her friend's mother the girls are frequently alone together in the afternoon with no supervision, and I obviously can't trust her any more. I would really appreciate your advice on this. – Concerned mother
A: Your adolescent daughter's exploration of sexual feelings with a member of the same sex is not an indication of life-long gender preference. Many adolescents engage in same-sex activities as they begin to develop sexual awareness. Don't assume this activity means your daughter's gay. Your daughter's behavior is not abnormal, though she has not demonstrated wise judgment. Tell her she has to learn to control her sexual feelings and cannot act on them without consequences.
Making good decisions about sexual activities is a very important step in developing self-respect and earning the respect of others. Being with a member of her own sex does not give her the freedom to carry out her sexual curiosity or urges.
Your goal is to provide your daughter with sound guidance to help her formulate principles for sexual behavior. The problem is not the friend, but your daughter's lack of judgment.
Forbidding her from seeing her friend does not resolve the issue, and this is a penalty that is impossible to monitor.
A good rule to follow is don't assign a penalty you cannot enforce. Also, an indefinite restriction is no more effective than grounding her for a two- or three-week period.
Assign your daughter community-service hours to perform. Contact a local charity, Red Cross, YWCA, or residences for the elderly or disabled. Helping others is a responsibility your daughter could carry out after school while you are working.