CHAPTER – 23: The Confession

Since it was Sunday, and few shops were open, the café was almost empty, so we took a table in the corner and ordered coffee. In the meantime my mind was busy how to open up the subject. After the coffee was served, and we were alone, I lit a cigarette, thinking over what to say. Reaching out, Dana took hold of my hand.

“Mitch, don’t worry yourself to death. Just tell me.”

“I slept with another woman,” I said, without beating around the bush.

When she didn’t flinch or show any other reaction, but waited patiently, I continued. “It was with a friend, and unexpected. I had not planned on something like that, not after the misstep I had with you at the park.”

“I see... Then why did you, Mitch? Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not trying to blame you or anything. Not yet,” she said. Although the last was offered as a quip, it may have also been a warning.

“We had a kind of a history, as friends, but we never dated. She was horny and admitted to lusting after me, and I had lusted after her when I was young. I didn’t realize I had it in me, still. When she offered a no strings attached night to work it out of our systems, I took her up on her offer,” I said.

Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself, and continued. “Dana, I knew what I was doing, but that didn’t stop me from doing it. It felt wrong, but in the end, I took her up on her offer. I’m not in love with her, but I love her, as a friend. It’s... It’s different from what I feel for you.”

“I know that, Mitch. You surprised me. But, may be... I shouldn’t have been,” Dana said.

“Why do you say that? I’ve not done something like this before. I mean, not when I was in, or starting a relationship. I don’t do that. I hope you know me well enough to believe that.”

“Oh, Mitch. I didn’t imply that. After all you’ve gone through, what you told me about your past, I’m not going to doubt you. You’ve had too much hurt to cause somebody else hurt, if it was within your power,” Dana said.

I nodded.

“You’ve not been with many women. From what you told me, I know you’ve led a pretty lonely life since Reina. Emotionally, you weren’t ready for any relationship, but that affected the physical side as well. My guess is just sex isn’t something for you, am I right?”

“Yes. I had too much emptiness, and I needed to have some emotional connection, even when I had a short, casual thing going on. There weren’t many, but that’s not an excuse, Dana.”

“Mitch, listen to me carefully. Of course it’s not an excuse, I’m not saying that. But there’s no reason to be unreasonable about some things. You’re a young man with needs; hungry for sex and love. Unfortunately, without an emotional bond you don’t give yourself a chance to satisfy the physical hunger, and that is bound to put a lot of stress on you. Here comes a girl you lusted after for years, and she comes up with an offer. I’m sorry honey, but I don’t see how you could have turned her down.”

“Maybe so, but I don’t know what the answer is. When I was making the decision, I knew what I was doing and I didn’t feel guilt... not as much as I thought I would, and that bothers me. Later, I felt guilty, but I tried not to dwell on it much.”

“Are you trying to make it hard on yourself, or want me to take it easy on you?” Dana asked with a serious tone.

Thinking about her question, I realized I was trying for both. I felt guilt, but I also wanted to have an easy ride; even though Dana had not been hard on me up to that point. To tell the truth, that realization made me feel worse than guilty; I felt like an asshole, manipulative. And, I felt confused about what I was doing, because I wasn't sure anymore if I hadn't been trying to wiggle out of the situation I got myself in, instead of really owning to my mistake.

“I’m sorry, Dana. I apologize. You’re right. I’m disappointed with myself. I was being hard on myself because I didn’t want you to be hard on me, even though you haven’t been. I guess I was trying to appeal to your gentle nature by being hard on myself. Maybe I wanted you to respond harder than you did, even though I didn’t want to face your anger. I... God! I don’t know... I really don’t know, Dana. I’m sorry,” I replied.

“You don’t have to appeal to my forgiving nature, Mitch. Don’t make it unnecessarily hard on yourself, too. You’re not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Trying to hold yourself to an unattainable standard is not the way to attain perfection. Tell me something. Did you enjoy your time with her?”

I didn’t want to answer such a direct question, especially because I had had one hell of a time with Sarah. Not quite the way I had enjoyed my brief time with Dana; that had been different. With Dana, there was a deeper emotional attachment and a bond, and of course, a different kind of love, and the sex had been great. With Sarah, it was much different. Lust and physical attraction played a major role, although there had been some similarities.

“Did you enjoy your time with her?” she insisted.

“Yes, I did.”

“Did she enjoy her time with you?”

Reluctantly, I answered, “Yes, she did.”

“Good. So, both of you had a good time and were happy?”

“How can you say something like that?” I blurted, perplexed by her calm reaction.

“It’s not easy, Mitch. Don’t think I approve of or agree with what you did. But knowing you, I know you needed it, and I would hate to see an experience like that to be spoiled by worries and guilt and other things, instead of mutual enjoyment.”

“You don’t agree with or approve of what I did, and yet you say what you just did,” I replied, more confused than ever.

“Mitch, we’re at the beginning of something. I know we haven’t committed to each other, and neither of us know where this will lead. I can’t put a claim on you, as you can’t put a claim on me. I knew what I was getting myself into. We didn’t talk much about it, but we both knew the score. As I said at the time, I was looking for some happiness and love, and you gave me that, and wanted to continue giving me that. I know what we have is unconventional, but that’s the way it may be until we both know what we want. I understand hunger. I may be a woman, but I felt the same hunger as you; missing good sex, and emotional attachment. Men are not generally like that, at least not all men. You’re like that, perhaps because of your past experience, perhaps because you’re that kind of person. It’s not that important. What’s important is the way we feel about it. If I felt lonely, and hungry, and found some comfort with another guy for a short period, and told you, would you hold it against me?”

“No, I wouldn’t,” I replied, firmly. No, I wouldn’t have; I didn’t have a claim on her, and what’s more I wanted her to have all the happiness she could find.

“And I can’t hold it against you. It’s that simple, when it comes to thinking about it. But, rational thinking has got nothing to do with feelings. I’m not exactly hurt, Mitch, but it does hurt in some ways. I know I should perhaps get angry with you, and that’s the woman in me talking, but I can’t. If the circumstances had been different, if our histories didn’t have so much hurt, perhaps I would feel more hurt and get angry with you. I don’t know. I want you to be happy. I guess that’s what love is, after all and, besides being your lover, I want to be friends with you.”

I realized she was still holding my hand, squeezing it, and I returned with a squeeze of my own. I felt the way she did. I wanted her happy, and as she had said, perhaps that was what love was all about.

“I hope my world won’t collapse one morning,” I said, softly, my thoughts going to darker places.

“You’re a pessimist, aren’t you?” Dana asked.

“Let’s say, I’m not an optimist. When things start to go good, I fear a disaster is going to follow, so I don’t try to get my hopes high.”

“Spoken like a true pessimist. We have to work on that,” Dana quipped.

It lightened my mood to a certain degree.

“So, if I give you some hard times, you’ll feel better?” she continued teasing me.

“No, not really,” I replied, chuckling at her quirky humor. “Or maybe you should. I don’t know. Perhaps, to fool whatever disaster is waiting to strike.”

“There’re no disasters waiting to strike, Mitch. Don’t think I was being easy on you. But as I said, we both need a break, a new chance, and we seem to find it with each other.”

I leaned over the table to kiss her, and we shared one of her soul kisses. I thought she was claiming me as hers with that kiss or, at least trying to confirm what we had between us, but at the same time it wasn’t a kiss to conquer. I guess, it was a kiss meant to express our love and our understanding, while setting each other free. However, I didn’t want to misstep with her, again.

After the kiss, I asked, “I love your soul kisses, Dana. Are we claiming each other, now?”

“Not yet, Mitch. It’s still too early. You’ll know when you’re being claimed,” she teased. “She didn’t try to claim you?”

“No, she didn’t. I told her I was in a relationship, and she didn’t want to come between us, but she was very horny and honest about it. She made her lust for me clear, but left the decision to me. She’s a good friend,” I said. My mind was playing other parts of the last night, when Sarah had mentioned she would like to share me with another girl.

Now, that’s wishful thinking. You’ve just managed to avoid a disaster, and instead of counting yourself lucky and leave the table while ahead of the game, you’re looking for ways to get in more trouble.

Giving me a look, she asked, “You said both of you enjoyed the time. She didn’t feel an attachment afterwards?”

“No, not really. It was friendly, casual, fun, and mostly lust. Not like what we had.”

“I see. And she didn’t ask for a repeat?” Dana insisted.

“Now, you’re giving me a hard time, Dana,” I replied, trying to lighten up the situation.

“I’m not giving you a hard time or setting a claim on you. If she had lusted after you for that long a time, I’m wondering if she had satisfied her hunger and appetite.”

“Uh... she mentioned she’d like a repeat, even though she knew that wasn’t going to happen.”

“I would have been surprised if she didn’t.”

“Huh?”

“You think you’re not good in bed, but you’re good. Better than some I’ve known. I was sore that day, but deliciously sore, and when I was back at home, I woke up in the middle of the night, hot and horny, remembering the morning, and had to work on myself to fall back into sleep. That’s saying something, at least for me,” she said.

“I’ve already had a hard-on in the shop, I don’t want to have another one,” I retorted.

“I guess that’s not fair to you, when I can’t help you with that.”

“Thank you.”

“What about you, Mitch?”

“I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

“Do you want a repeat with her?” she asked.

I didn’t hesitate to answer, even though my mind went over the possibilities. “You are all the woman I need, Dana. I told you I’ll never get enough of you.”

“Yes, you told me that. But still, you did what you did. Did you work it out of your system, or is there more?” she asked, flashing me a smile to put me at ease, and to show she wasn’t blaming me, at least not much for what I had done.

I didn’t know how to answer. Thinking it over quickly I knew I wanted Sarah, maybe a few times more, but I didn’t want to admit to it. It wasn’t right and it wasn’t fair to either woman. After last night, I knew I could stay away from the temptation, so I replied, “I worked it out of my system.”

Freeing her hand, she stood up, and moved to the chair next to mine, and I turned my chair slightly to face her. She leaned, and cupping my face in her hands she gave another soul kiss. Then looking in my eyes, she said, “Can you please try it again? I didn’t hold what you did against you.”

“Why are you saying that, Dana? You know I won’t cheat. That was a one time thing.”

“Mitch, honey. I know that you’ll not do something like that if we are in a committed relation or you set your mind to be faithful. You have a strong sense of honor, but that has got nothing to do with wanting somebody or lusting after them. The difference is acting on those wants. And I believe you’ll be faithful to your woman, whoever she might be. I just wanted you to be open about what you feel. I’m not asking you about what you will do.”

“I-I... You know, you know me well. You really scare me,” I replied, still reluctant to answer her, but confirming her suspicions.

“You don’t have to be scared, and I understand you want some things to be secret. We all have our secrets, but this is not a secret. So, you have some... residual lust in you?” she asked, flashing me a smile when she used the words ‘residual lust.’

With a sigh, I nodded. Gathering my thoughts, I said, “Kind of, but I know that I’m not going to be tempted any more. My curiosity is completely satisfied. I’m not going to do something like that again. I love you, and she’s a good friend. You both deserve better.”

Giving a quick kiss, she gazed in my eyes for a long time, before she said, “Thank you. I’m sure you’ll do as you said... but, I don’t want you to.”

It took me several seconds before her words registered, and more before their meaning percolated through my confusion, and her meaning sank in, while she waited patiently for me to react to her words. I wasn’t very eloquent in my response, though.

“What?! What are you saying, Dana?” I asked, completely thrown off by her comment.

Giving a tingling laugh, she said, “I did surprise you, didn’t I? Good.”

“Dana, I’m not sure I understand. I’ve already messed up, and that hurt you. And now, you are...” I couldn’t continue, because I didn’t know what to say.

“Yes, you did slip up, but it wasn’t a major slip up. I’m not hurt that much. If I was, do you believe I would be here, and talking to you as I am now?”

“I guess not,” I mumbled.

“I have my reasons. We covered some of them that are related to you; your hunger and the extra stress you put on yourself, as well as the nature of our relationship. But there’s more than that. You need to get out, Mitch. More than you have up to now. I know you love me, and feel strongly about us, but it’s going to be complicated. You also need to decide about Reina. To be able to deal with all your relationship issues you have to be balanced, stable. I’m sorry that you can’t be, not at this moment. I want you to be able to relax, have fun, and collect yourself, so that you can look at your issues with a clear mind. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

I nodded in a daze, not thrusting myself to formulate a coherent answer. Dana waited to let me collect myself and gather my wits.

“I’m sorry; you’ve really surprised me. I know what you say makes sense, but still, it doesn’t feel right.”

“Because you think it’s not fair to people in your life, to us? You think you’re cheating each of us?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Mitch, honey. What is not fair to everyone—and that includes your friend, Reina, and I—is that you chose one of us, based on the wrong reasons, making up your mind influenced by other things. You may end up regretting your decision, or your mind may be busy with another girl. That’s not fair to any of us. Do you understand? I want a man who knows what he wants, and I’m sure the other girls would want the same thing. You wouldn’t want to have a girl who loves you with half a heart, would you?”

When she put it that way, I couldn’t fault her logic. But still, I wasn’t comfortable, even though I had a flash of being with Sarah and Dana on separate occasions, the possibility of putting it into reality didn’t compute. Wishful thinking and imagining a three-some or a triangle was one thing, to get into something like that was another.

“What you said makes sense, but... I don’t know Dana. It’s not something I’ve ever thought I would get into,” I replied.

With one hand she reached down to my crotch, while still cupping my face with her other hand. Then, giving me a teasing look, she quipped, “I’m giving you a chance most men would die for, and you still question me?” To make her point she rubbed my hardening cock.

There was no way I could prevent myself from hardening. Who wouldn’t have?

“Your cock definitely agrees with me,” she said with a smirk, making me laugh.

“Well, he doesn’t have much of a conscious, but I do,” I retorted.

Stopping her attentions to my cock, she kissed me again, lovingly. “I know you do. I didn’t imply otherwise, Mitch. It was a joke. What’s more, you don’t really need my permission.”

“Excuse me!!!” I asked, shocked at her reply.

“Mitch, we aren’t yet committed to each other, at this early stage, even though we may want to be, eventually. It’s too early for that, honey. I want us to take this nice and easy. I have a boyfriend and I have mixed up feelings about everything. In a way, I love him, even though I’m not in love with him. I love you too, and I might easily fall in love with you. I think you can fall in love with me, if you haven’t already... to some degree?” She gave a questioning look, and when I nodded, confirming her suspicions, she continued. “But, I want you to be sure of your feelings. What I’m proposing is going to allow us time to investigate our feelings without putting undue pressure on either of us. I don’t mean it will set us free of all obligations, but we should retain some freedom. You know what I mean?”

“Yes, I know.”

“That will allow us to be friends and lovers. It might even lessen any hurt we might cause each other. I think we’re adult enough and care enough for each other not to take advantage of such a situation, and hurt each other. It will allow us to discover our feelings about each other as well as about other people in our lives,” she concluded.

Cupping her face in my hands, I gave her a long gentle kiss, probing her mouth, dueling with her tongue, before nipping and chewing her lips softly, sucking them, until she captured my tongue, and sucked on it as if she was sucking my cock, and nipped it with her teeth. I was as hard as a stone in a matter of seconds after that kiss. We slowly finished the kiss, exchanging our breath, and playing hide and seek with our tongues, panting and gasping with excitement, but also feeling more than lust for each other. I missed her, and she reminded me the morning in the hotel. I moved one of my hands to her breast, discreetly, and felt her tit, her nipple, feeling its hardness. Breaking the kiss, she pulled herself away, and smiled. I could see her blue eyes were darkened, heavy with arousal, and if we were in a suitable place she would have ripped our clothes off and gone at it, hard and fast. Taking a deep breath she collected herself, and said, “I think we’ve dawdled enough. We’ll be late for your sister.”

“Yeah. We’d better hurry,” I said, checking my watch. We weren’t that late, though, it was quarter to seven, giving us plenty time to be fashionably late to the restaurant, but Dana might want to take a quick shower before dressing up. She hadn’t had time for that in the hotel. Collecting our belongings, we made our way to the cashier. I paid for the coffee and we left for the car park.

While putting the packages in the trunk, I said, “You know we should find better times to talk about things. It seems we end up talking in the most inopportune situations.”

“We will honey. Once I arrange my vacation, we’ll have lots of time.”

On the way to Kathy’s, we talked about when she wanted to take her vacation and she told me as soon as this week. I told her to make arrangements for sometime next week. When she asked about the delay, I explained about my hospital appointment, and waiting a week for test results.

“I forgot to mention. I have a copy of my test with me. It’s seven months old, but I hadn’t been active since then. If you want I can get another test done,” Dana said.

“It’s all right. I wanted to have the test, because I wanted you not to worry about it, and...”

“And?”

“Well, she had been recently tested, and I told her I had unprotected sex with you. I wanted to ease her mind as well.”

“Did you two have unprotected sex?” she asked.

“Yes. She wanted to, even though I was reluctant. I told her you were an ex-nurse, and I trusted you. She knows that I don’t give my trust to people easily, so she believed the risk was minimal. She even mentioned if you’re the kind of woman you are, you’d be making arrangements already or have some kind of proof. Well, I guess she was right. She’s a doctor, so she knows the risks,” I said, trying to put Dana at ease.

“I see. Well, if she’s a doctor, she would know what she’s doing. I’m happy to see that she’s making the arrangements. I think I’ll get another test.”

“You don’t need to Dana.”

“I need to, Mitch. For us and for her. She’s being responsible, and I want to return the favor. There’s also the possibility that you two might get together again. Remember what I said. If we are going to have sex with you, all of us must act responsibly.”

“I know that she’s responsible. She’s been active, but she doesn’t take risks. She told me she didn’t have unprotected sex with her partners who were tested clean, because she didn’t trust some of them to be responsible with other women. And I know she wouldn’t mislead me about something like that.”

“That’s good. I hope we can meet each other. I know that might be kind of awkward, but as I had said, I want you to relax. And if you two want to be together again, I don’t want her to worry about things like that. She trusts you and would take your word for it, but it’s always better to know your partners, and their partners. Nowadays that’s very important.”

“I know what you mean. I’m not against the idea of you two meeting, but I’m not really keen on getting into a triangle, Dana. To tell the truth, she mentioned she’d like to borrow me from you. It was a joke. You know, the hypothetical, wishful, fantasy kind of thing. But, if you two meet, and you tell her what you have on your mind, she might decide to take you up on that.”

“And you don’t want that?” Dana asked, getting to the crux of the matter again, catching me unprepared.

“Well, not really. I mean... I want her to some degree, I’m not going to lie about that but, I told you it was a one time thing.”

“What are you afraid of, Mitch?”

“I don’t know. I know that she can grow on me, and I might fall for her. I love her, Dana. It’s not like what I feel for you but, over time, things might change. There might be something already that I’m not sure about. Same might be true for her, given enough time. None of us really need those complications.”

“Maybe not, but as I said, it’s a matter of having half a person or a complete person. I’m in the same boat, you know? With my boyfriend and you. You’re not the only one in that position. You wouldn’t want me half way,” Dana reminded gently.

“I think half of your heart will be more than I could handle, Dana,” I replied, getting a fond smile.

“Don’t put yourself down, Mitch,” she admonished, after a pause.

 

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