CHAPTER – 5: Revelations

When I returned to the room, Dana was by the window—smoking—with a cup of coffee on the window sill. I filled a cup for myself, and lighting a cigarette, took a position next to her, watching the city lights, and listening to the traffic. After a few sips, I finished my coffee, and placed it next to her cup. There was something nagging at the back of my mind about Dana... That kept me coming back to why she was trying to help me, help us... But, it kept evading me.

It was Dana, who broke the silence.

“Mitchell, since you seem to have a very good memory, I want to check something. Are you sure she was talking about the present time, when she talked about the pilot she was involved with?”

“Well, I’m very sure she said ‘He loves me’. There was no mistaking that... She meant, now. Also, she didn’t talk as if she was talking about the past. At least that’s the impression I got. Why? Is it important?”

At my question, she flashed a strained smile, and said, “Let’s finish our smoke and coffee, then talk about it. There’s no need to rush things.”

I accepted her reasoning, and changed the subject. “You know, you’re very good. Is it nursing training that makes you so good?”

“Partly, I guess.”

“I think, you are a remarkable woman. You’re kind, and you care about people. What made you quit?” I asked.

“You are an interesting young man, Mitch. You see things others don’t. Why did I quit nursing school? I guess, I couldn’t handle the misery and suffering. I wanted to help but... After talking to a few nurses, and spending time in the hospitals—observing—I realized the pay was lousy, the hours were long, and the emotional burden was overwhelming. I was too young to be able to deal with it. Now, I get to see the world, different people, and sometimes I’m able to do something nice, and help people. Best of both worlds.”

“I have to say, you’re doing a very good job of it. I don’t talk... about things... and yet...”

As I was saying those words, my mind got busy with her words as they seem to ring a bell... the things that were nagging at me since the airport... There was a faint glimpse of something... but what?

“You are reserved. You don’t make friends easily, do you?”

“I used to... well, to a certain degree... But in the last few years...”

“I understand... It must have been a difficult period.”

“We all carry our own wounds...” I told her, and then on a hunch, I added, “You seem to cope with yours very well.”

Her eyes shot wide open in shock. I took a step, and pulled her against my chest, gathering her in my arms, before she had a chance to react. I hugged her to me firmly, trying to make her feel safe, secure, sheltered. Leaning in to smell her fragrant hair, I whispered, “It’s all right, Dana. It’s all right. Tell me about it.”

I kept rocking her, and after her initial shock was over, she relaxed into my arms. She looked up to ask, “How did you know?”

“I’m not sure. It was something nagging at the back of my mind. How things happened in the airport, then here in the hotel. Your apparent concern. And how you seem to understand and how we seem to connect... Little things that didn’t fit. You are a very beautiful and caring person. Very kind and generous. And you don’t hide those qualities. But, you don’t seem to have anybody in your life. I couldn’t see why, unless... you didn’t want them. That made me think.”

She seemed to accept my explanation. She laid her head on my chest, and wrapped her arms around me, relaxing herself into my embrace. It felt good to hold her in my arms, and I couldn’t help but wonder about the differences between two women... and the similarities...

Come on, pay attention. She’s not here. Don’t day dream! Dana’s here and she needs you. Now! You know she’s worth it. Be in the moment.

My inner voice was right. I needed to be with her, right this moment. After several minutes, she extracted herself from my arms, giving me a rueful smile.

“I think it’s my turn to ask; do you want to talk about it?” I said, trying to lighten the mood.

Her smile was much warmer, but she replied, “Not yet.” Seeing the disapproving look on my face, she added, “But I promise, I will... OK?”

“I will hold you to that.”

That earned me a laugh, “Somehow I know you will, so I won’t even attempt to evade.”

I took hold of her hand and gave it a kiss, sharing a tender and special moment. Picking our cups, we took our respective seats, me on the armchair and she on her bed.

“You said she was hurt,” Dana said, “and perhaps using the men. I think you are right. From what I had seen of her relations, she moved on without a second thought, but...” She paused to think about what she wanted to say next, and continued with a question. “Did you ever wonder if she was self-destructive, perhaps punishing herself?”

Huh?

I wasn’t expecting that question, because it came from left field, without any warning at all. I could hear the gears turning in my mind to assess the question, looking for clues, trying to come up with an analysis.

“Stop! Mitch, stop. Don’t rush it.”

As soon as she had my attention, she urged me to calm down. “Easy Mitch, take your time.”

“You caught me with that question. What made you ask that?”

“I’ll explain, but you need to be calm. There’s something you don’t know. It kind of changes the picture. I don’t want you to get worked up, and lose concentration or... get your hopes up.”

Hope? Get my hopes up? For what?

I was getting agitated by her cryptic words, but remembering her warning, I tried to calm myself. I closed my eyes, and took a walk along the beach, doing my shallow breathing, and watching the sunset. Strangely enough, I managed to do my exercise very quickly, maybe because I was with a friend, and in a place where I felt comfortable, safe and secure. When I opened my eyes, I saw her watching me. She got off the bed, and knelt by my side. Taking hold of my wrist, she found my pulse... and measured it. When she was finished, she was chuckling.

“Strong and steady pulse. Lower than normal, as if you’re resting. Is it difficult to learn?”

“The basic part isn’t. It’s a matter of breathing evenly, and conjuring a place you feel comfortable, relaxed, and safe. There are advanced levels of breathing exercises, and techniques to empty your mind, or help you conjure up a place. I haven’t learned all the mental techniques, I just know a bit about how they are supposed to work. But, I have good memories of places that I can recall and concentrate on. I know some of the breathing exercises. You might want to pick up Yoga. It teaches you how to relax your muscles, and how to breathe.”

I knew some advanced mental techniques, but I didn’t want to talk about them. I had experimented when my training required, but I hadn’t felt comfortable. I had put them aside long time ago, and never picked them up since then.

“Did you practice Yoga?”

“Uhh.. No... not really.”

Go, it was long ago! It had scared the shit out of me that first time, when I had touched ‘it.’ The second time hadn’t been bad. At least, I had discovered its true nature...

But, what use is it to go there? Unless, I need the edge. Perhaps, Sensei was right when he said I would find it if I ever need it.

I had kept at it a few times more, practicing, getting to know it, but still, I had been reluctant in my forays, before I finally quit all together.

She gave me a quizzical look, but decided not to delve further. Picking up an ashtray, she placed it on the nightstand, where she could reach. She lit a cigarette, passed it to me, and lit another one for herself. I wondered if the gesture was to make me feel more comfortable. If it was, she was doing a very good job of it.

“Are you afraid of shocking me?” I asked.

“Was I that obvious?” she responded, amused.

“No, not really. I think I’m recognizing patterns.”

“I see... Well, it isn’t really shocking, though it might give you a surprise. Mitch, what I’m getting at is, she was lying when she said she was involved with a pilot. We’ve been flying together frequently over the last several months, and she hasn’t been involved with anybody... definitely not anybody from the crews. She doesn’t flaunt her relations, but she doesn’t hide them either. With the amount of time we’ve spent together lately, I don’t see how she could keep a relationship so secret. She was keeping busy with the work, and that didn’t leave her much free time. Come to think of it, she wasn’t partying as much as she did, and her last fling was almost half a year ago or so.”

That was indeed a surprising revelation.

“So, what do you think is happening?” I asked.

“There is definitely a break in the pattern. She never went more than a month or two without getting involved with somebody. I had seen that myself, and I hear things. It’s a small world. Everybody knows everybody.”

“She might have one-night-stands in the meantime, but the general pattern seems to have changed.” I was thinking out loud, without realizing what I said.

“Yes, I would say so. There is another thing,” she said, grabbing my attention immediately with the tone of her voice.

“You remember that I told you she probably cried when she returned to the lounge?”

I nodded.

“I haven’t seen her cry over anybody. She would shrug, and say it was fun while it lasted, and move on to the next relation. Most of the time, she was the one who broke off relations. Her reaction to you, lying about a non-existent relationship, and her later behavior in the lounge are contradictory, unless... Considering all I’ve heard from you and what I know about her, if I had to take a guess, I would say she has feelings for you, Mitch. She probably has had them for a long time.”

“I’m not sure I follow your reasoning. I know I felt something from her, but her signals were clear. She wasn’t interested in pursuing us, and she didn’t want me to pursue us. I think we both know that she knew how I felt about her then, and still do now, even though we didn’t talk about it.”

“That’s where it gets a bit... complicated. I think it has everything to do with her past, and your earlier history. You were correct when you said she was hurt, and that made her change, become a user.”

“We agree on that, but how does that relate to what you said?” I asked.

“In the dance of mating, the male is supposed to be the initiator, the hunter, and the female is the hunted. In reality, the female decides whether she’ll take a male as a partner or not. However this doesn’t change the fact that male is the aggressor, so to speak, whether he’ll be successful or not. Are you with me so far?”

I nodded.

“Now, in most cases the dance is more complicated. Both partners step forward and backward, testing the waters, and the chemistry between them, trying to find a suitable rhythm if there’s one to be found. In her other relations, she allowed herself to be chased and captured. In your case, she was doing the chasing. From what I heard about your earlier history, she was the initiator. She decided when to move to the next step. That means she was interested in you. Of course, you must have chased her, but you were taking a more passive approach, whereas she was taking a more active role. This happens, but not so regularly and consistently. There’s always a role reversal along the way, sometimes several role reversals. In your case, that never happened, at least until very late.”

“So you’re saying, because I never took the initiative, she lost interest, and moved onto other men...”

“That could happen, but I don’t think that’s the case here. You are forgetting she was a user before you, and she continued to be a user. She might have used you, but I don’t believe that. First of all, she seems to recognize that you two had some kind of a chemistry. Her mood change indicates that. Second, letting her take the lead, you forced her to take the initiative. She could have easily moved onto somebody else; give another guy a signal, then let him chase her. That was more her style. If she saw you as an interesting challenge, then of course, she would go after you, taking the initiative. The thing is, she knew you were interested in her, and serious about her. In a way, you were chasing her but not actively. Are you with me so far?” she asked.

“Yes, I see what you’re saying. But, she changed as soon as I got serious, so in a way, as soon as I took the initiative she started to push me away,” I said.

“Yes, she did. The thing is you never changed. When she was flirting with other guys, you didn’t judge her. When she turned her attention back to you, you were there but letting her be. She initiated the intimacy and decided how you two interacted. That was one constant. The other constant is her reaction to you. You said, the very first moment you two met she took it slow, almost cautious, compared to how she was with other people when she met them the first time. I think she recognized the chemistry, and you both come to realize that. And, that chemistry didn’t change. You said that the last two times when things were cooling off were as good as before, and afterwards she was loving, until she put her mask back on.”

“Yes. They were.”

“I think she loved you, Mitch. She discovered that she could love and not be used. She was definitely not used by you. Whether she was using you or not, she was using the other men, but she was also letting herself be used. That’s another thing you got right. And I believe she must have realized the difference.”

“OK. I understand what you’re saying. Let’s assume she felt something for me. But she chose to ignore it, and she kept on doing what she used to do... until now.”

“Think, Mitchell. I asked you if you ever thought she was self-destructive,” she admonished me sharply.

“You’re saying... she wasn’t ready for it, or she was scared?”

“Most probably, but there’s another possibility. In fact, it complements what you said. You told me that she told you she wasn’t ready for commitment. I guess she was also scared of the things you evoked in her... the chemistry. I think that’s a real possibility. If I hadn’t come to know you a bit, I would have discarded the description you gave about your intimate moments as a figment of your imagination. But, you seem to have a firm grasp of what’s real and what’s imagined. And you are very sensitive, however reserved you might act,” she said, pausing dramatically to make her point.

When I tried to shrug it off, she immediately seized upon it.

“Don’t give me that, Mitch. Give yourself some credit. I think I have an idea of what you’re capable of. What’s more, I suspect I might be only scratching the surface.”

That last remark made me blush with embarrassment.

“No need to be embarrassed about something like that. Just don’t let that remark go to your head, OK?”

I nodded.

“Where were we? Oh, yes. Scared... That’s a real possibility. Complementing all that however, is her love for you. I think she loved you enough to let you go. When you broke up, she didn’t chase you back. Do you think you could have resisted if she chased you?”

I shook my head. “Maybe I could have resisted for a short while, but I think she would have succeeded. Very easily. I loved her.”

“And she knew that. She could have used it. Why didn’t she?” she asked, making her point.

I went over all the things we discussed and what she told me.

“She loved me, and she wasn’t ready for commitment. She let me go, because she didn’t want to hurt me. Hurt me more than she already had,” I replied.

“Precisely.”

“She was already self-destructive, and she felt... guilty... about us. So, she kept on punishing herself... Is that what you’re saying?”

“Something like that. If she didn’t feel guilty then, she probably did later. I think in the airport, today, she must have. Why else would she lie, and try to keep you away, trying to make sure you are OK? She still felt something for you,” she said.

“She may have broken with her earlier patterns. Six months is a long time for her... and the encounter today, brought things home?” I added.

“I think so. We might be wrong about some things, but I think it’s safe to say she loved you and she still has feelings for you. Now, she had the chance to pick up the game, and play it again. She didn’t. The question is, what could you do about it, and if she would be willing to participate. There’s a real danger she might be scared of being hurt, being hurt worse than before, and unwilling to take any risks.”

Then she gave me a grave look, mixed with apprehension. “Mitchell... this is very important! It carries an immense responsibility! If you decide to take the initiative... it might not only destroy her, but yourself as well,” she said, her voice laden with sadness and sympathy.

“I know,” I said, my voice reflecting the same heaviness. With a tired sigh, I continued, “But there’s no helping it. I can, of course, walk away from it. Considering the alternative and the possibilities, that might be best. I have to think this through carefully and, now is not the right time for it.”

I stood up stretching my legs, then held out my hand to Dana, and helped her to her feet. Picking our cups, we made our way to the table for a re-fill from the thermos. I offered a cigarette to her and lit it, and lit another one for myself. Taking a sip from my coffee, I left my cup on the table, and went to the window. I opened it wider to get some fresh air. A few minutes later, Dana was standing by my side, watching the lights of the city. Some twenty floors up, we had a good view.

Although I was watching the view, I was well aware of her presence. She was taking care not to invade my personal space, even though I could sense her need for contact— a touch, perhaps a hug. She was a remarkable woman, and I gave a silent thanks to whoever was watching over me. I went back to the nightstand to pick up the ashtray, and returned with it. After putting out my cigarette, I asked, “It’s cold, isn’t it?”

“Not very,” she replied.

I stepped behind her, and wrapped my arms around her belly, pulling her to my chest. “There. I think you’ll feel better.”

She sighed and relaxed. I waited until she finished her cigarette, but did not release her. “You know what’s coming next, don’t you?”

“I think I have an idea... Dr. Mitchell!” she retorted in an amused tone, making me laugh.

“Good. So, you know how doctor patient relations work. Now, this doctor prescribes a glass of wine. The patient doesn’t complain and takes her medicine,” I replied falling into the role.

When she turned and looked up, I gave her soft kiss on her forehead, and guided her to the bed. Once she was comfortably settled there, I took the bottle from the floor and filling her glass, I handed it to her. She patted the side of the bed, asking me to sit by her side. Then, she told me the story.

It was bad.

About six years ago, she had been dating a guy. Over a period of ten months they had fallen in love with each other and decided to get married. One night, while he had been away for a business trip, she was assaulted and raped by a burglar. Aside from the trauma of rape, the doctors had told her she had little chance of having a baby. At first, her fiancé had been very understanding, and helped her through psychological counseling and therapy. However, once she pulled herself through and managed to get her life back, he broke up with her, because he had wanted to have kids, or so he said. In actuality, that was only one of the reasons, because he hadn’t touched her since the rape. After the break-up, she fell into depression for a while, but managed to gather herself again. Since then she had had a few relations, but none of them had worked out.

“What about your current boyfriend?” I asked.

“It’s not serious yet. It’s pretty new, and he knows about my past.”

“How did he take it?”

“He took it better than most others. He’s not concerned about my inability to have a child. We’re getting to know each other, and I get the feeling he is serious, but I’m being cautious.”

“That’s understandable, Dana. Do you love him?”

“It’s too early to say anything. But, yes; I have feelings for him. I think he loves me as well. He’s been very understanding and patient with me,” she said pointedly.

“You have not...” I asked.

She shook her head. “We haven’t been seeing each other very long.”

“Are you afraid he’ll turn into one of those bastards? Is that why you keep him at arms’ length?”

“Maybe... I’m tired of relations that don’t go anywhere...”

She started to cry. I quickly gathered her in my arms, trying to sooth and calm her. Slowly, she quieted down to mostly sniffling. I laid her on the bed, and went to the bathroom. I ran the hot water and wet a towel, then squeezed the excess water. Picking up some tissues, I returned to the room. She blew her nose, then used the hot towel to wipe her face. When she finished, she picked up her glass, and took couple of sips. Taking the glass from her, I placed it on the nightstand.

“Dana, you’re a wonderful woman. You are a gentle, caring, loving person. And beautiful. Any man worth his salt would die to have a woman like you. You’ve nothing to fear. It’s their loss. If my heart wasn’t already taken, I’d be the first,” I said.

Looking at her in the eye, I added, “I might still do that... considering the options I am facing at the moment.”

That earned me an slap on my arm, and a rebuke, “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do! And you madam, are getting feisty before I even proposed. No wonder...” I quipped.

“You are terrible,” she said with a small laugh.

“Yeah, I know. What can I say?” I retorted.

Then, on a more serious note, I said, “You know what I mean. You are a wonderful woman. I’m not saying this just because of all you’ve done to help me. I’m glad I’ve come to know you.”

Gathering her in my arms, I gave her a kiss on her forehead. When we parted, she looked relaxed and happy to have unburdened herself and shared with me. I was glad to have known her, but a bit sad that I couldn’t do more for her. I didn’t know how to help her. I hoped that what she had shared with me helped her.

“Thank you, Mitch. I’m glad to know you as well.” Checking the time she said, “It’s getting late. I think we should get some sleep.”

“Will you be all right?” I asked.

“I’ll be fine, Mitch, how about you?”

“Oh, I think I’ll be asleep before I touch the pillows. You want to use the shower first?”

“No. You go ahead, get some rest,” she replied.

Giving her a goodnight kiss, I went to the bathroom for a pit stop, and a quick shower. Finished with my ablutions, I knocked at her door, telling her the bathroom was available, and headed into my room. Wearing only my boxer shorts, I crawled in between the cool sheets.

Finally! A comfortable bed, and sleep!

Those were the last thoughts before I fell into an uneasy sleep.

 

* * * * *

 

Home Story Links Contact Me Disclaimer

Copyright © 2003 - 2006 Dai_wakizashi. All rights reserved.