Tales from an Unknown Corner

CHAPTER – 3: Angels Watching Over

I don’t know how long I sat there... a half hour... an hour. It was getting late, and I needed to head home, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the table—even after her presence faded away. Eventually, I marshaled enough strength to get myself off the chair. Towing my suitcase on its rollers, I walked to the main hall with the view of the aprons. For some reason I wanted to linger in this place. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was scared; scared that if I stepped out of this building, I would lose my soul. Turn into just an empty carcass, wandering aimlessly... a mindless creature that would fade away... in time.

Looking out the panoramic windows, I watched the planes taking off and landing, but my eyes were not really seeing much. I was gazing at the past. Was it my stubborn side that didn’t want to let it go, or was I not ready to come to terms with... with loss? For almost five years, she had been a part of me, however much I had tried to forget her... or convince myself that it was over. And now, this encounter brought home that I had never let go of her... she was, still, very much a part...

I was in a bubble, cut off from my surroundings, enveloped by her aurora, the past, and how she felt in my arms a while ago. What’s more, for a brief period, the emptiness inside me had been filled with the warmth of her smile, her laughter, and all the other feelings she had evoked in me. Even the sadness I had felt during our conversation had been a welcome relief from the constant emptiness, or the anger that had been part of me for so long. Now, it was back to emptiness. I didn’t have the energy or the inclination to muster anger, or any other emotion. I felt like a ship without any wind behind its sails, cast adrift, lost in the middle of the ocean, without a port of call.

This wasn’t closure, contrary to any notion I might have or cling to.

“Excuse me... Excuse me... Sir?”

I heard a female voice far away, calling out, intruding...

“Sir? Are you all right?”

Was somebody talking to me?

Then, I felt a hand touch my arm, followed by an insistent and concerned, “Are you all right?”

As I broke out of my haze, I saw a woman in uniform, standing by my side. My mind was sluggish, but eventually I recognized the airline uniform. When my eyes settled on her face, she looked familiar, but I couldn’t place where I had seen her or recall a name.

“I’m sorry... What did you say?” I asked, struggling to pull myself together, and get my bearings.

“Are you all right? Do you need a doctor or something?” she asked, her voice tinged with concern.

“I-I... I’m all right... Do I know you?” I blurted.

She hesitated for a moment, giving me a quizzical look, then decided to answer. “I was on the flight.”

Drawing a blank look from me, she elaborated. “I was one of the flight attendants on your flight.”

“Ahhh... That’s why you looked familiar...”

My mind skipped a gear, and I was puzzled why she would be here, when...

“You don’t have a flight?” I asked.

“No. My flight was cancelled, so I get to spend the night here.”

“Aahh...”

Your flight is cancelled... Is she...

The wheels started to turn faster, and I debated whether to ask her about that. Before I could come to a decision, she asked, “Can we take a seat there?” pointing at the row of seats a few meters away from where we were standing.

Without waiting for a response, she gently guided us there.

After we took our seat, I remembered to introduce myself. “I’m sorry. Where are my manners... Mitchell Tanner.”

“That’s OK. You were, pre-occupied... Dana Conor,” she replied pleasantly.

I was starting to feel a headache come, as if my tiredness wasn’t enough. I closed my eyes, rubbing them, massaging my temples. When I felt the tension leave, I opened my eyes to find her watching me.

“I’m sorry... I’m pretty beat up... I guess it shows,” I offered as a way of explanation.

She just waved it off as if to say ‘it’s all right,’ but kept watching me. She waited patiently as I tried to gather a semblance of myself. Once I felt a bit more human, I was curious about her. A thousand questions rushed in, all at once: what was she doing here, why did she think I needed help, where was...

I guess it must have showed on my face, so she said, “I was on my way to the exit, when I saw you standing there, and recognized you from the flight. You know what happened on the flight... my colleague was paying extra attention to you, so it was kind of hard not to recognize you.”

I nodded. “I guess... Pretty unusual wasn’t it?”

“It happens, but not very frequently.”

“So what made you...” I prompted, my curiosity getting the better of me.

She was reluctant to answer, and I could see she felt uncomfortable.

“I understand... We just met, and don’t know each other. And I think I have an idea how I look at the moment,” I said with a sigh.

“You... You were like a statue, cut out of stone... I couldn’t see if you were breathing. I thought, maybe I should call for some medical help.”

“That bad, eh?”

She nodded, concern written on her face. However, she kept her curiosity in check, not wanting to intrude. In a way, it was a strange situation. She might know I was a friend of her colleague, but she didn’t know me.

“You seem to be OK now, are you?” she asked, breaking the silence.

“I guess... I was...” I tried to say, but my mind was preoccupied by the thoughts of her, if she was still here...

“Do you mind if I smoke?” she asked.

“Not at all... I’m sorry, I didn’t ask, but I am not holding you up, am I? I am sorry if I caused you any concern,” I replied, while lighting her cigarette.

“It’s all right. Don’t worry about it,” she replied with a short wave of her hand dismissing my concern. Then, with a smile she added, “We help passengers, and you are in an airport.”

I couldn’t help but smile. She was good at what she was doing. “Thank you. I really appreciate it,” I said, lighting a cigarette myself.

I was starting to feel more comfortable in her presence, and that was surprising considering we didn’t know each other. Somehow, she had managed to create a relaxing atmosphere, and I was debating seriously how I could ask the questions I had in my mind... of a complete stranger.

“Umm... She has...” she said.

When I looked at her, she continued. “She left an hour ago on her flight. I was assigned to another flight, which was cancelled later.”

“I see.”

Well, she’s gone! What were you going to do if she was still around? Go after her?

Could I have? Would I? I didn’t know... She was gone, and the only thing I felt was desolation... a sense of being lost. Completely lost. I just wanted her by my side. For the first time in many years, I felt a desperate need for her presence—the likes of which I had rarely felt before. And that scared me. I had always been independent.

“Mitchell?”

“Hmm...”

“Mitchell?” she called out gently, trying to get my attention.

I tried to fight off the desperation, still lost in the troublesome maze of my mind, chasing endless thoughts and questions. I felt her hand on my arm.

When I looked at her, she asked, “You want to talk about it? About what’s troubling you? Maybe it would help.”

“I... I’m terribly sorry... I didn’t want to be such a burden. I’m OK... You’ve been a tremendous help,” I replied, the words coming out with a mechanical monotony, while trying to shake my mind clear of thoughts of her.

“Nonsense. I didn’t do anything, and you are no trouble at all,” she responded.

I felt embarrassed, and guilty of keeping her from doing whatever she was going to do. I took a long drag from my cigarette, trying to gather my wits.

She kept her gaze on me. She seemed to be mulling something in her mind. Coming to a decision, she said, “You two have a history, don’t you?”

At that, the air whooshed out of me like a deflating balloon, and I slumped in my seat.

“I guessed as much...” she said, patting my arm to comfort me.

“How? Is it that obvious?” I asked after I caught my breath.

She took a long pause, considering her answer carefully.

“Is it that difficult a question?” I prompted.

“No, it’s not. But... it’s more complicated than that. I don’t want to be the cause of further pain... to either of you... Maybe I shouldn’t have opened my mouth,” she replied, clearly disturbed at something.

Either of—

What happened? Is something wrong with her?

“Why? What’s wrong? Was she OK? Did she say something?” My questions came out in a rush, the urgency unmistakable.

“She was quiet... lost in thought. I don’t know her very well, but we have worked together on many flights. She’s always been bubbly... But today, she disappeared for a while... I am guessing she visited the rest room. When she returned her makeup was refreshed, but her eyes were red. What happened between you two?”

“It’s... it’s a long story... “

She was smiling when she left... Why did she cry? I didn’t want to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. She knew that, didn’t she?

“I’m not going anywhere... do you have plans?” she said, taking me by surprise.

“Why would you do something like that? You hardly know me...” I found myself saying. I realized it wasn’t a very polite thing to do, and I was abashed by my lack of self-control. I was at my wit’s end, but that was no excuse to be tactless.

Before I could apologize, she gently patted my arm, trying to reassure me, and said, “Mitchell. I understand your concerns... Let’s say I have a soft spot for... for lovers... I may not know her very well and you not at all, but... I watched you two on the airplane. I saw her when she came into the crew lounge. And, I saw you standing here... I think you need to talk, and I’m willing to listen. Where’s the harm in that?”

That earned her a look of gratitude, because at that moment I was feeling like a drowning man, completely helpless.

“Thank you. You are very kind.” Checking my watch, I found it was getting close to dinnertime. “It’s almost dinnertime. Would you join me for dinner... here or in town? I don’t know what your plans were, but if I have to take you up on your offer, I must insist. That’s the least I can do.”

“Dinner would be fine. In fact, the hotel I’m staying has a good restaurant, so we can share a taxi downtown and have dinner there. I don’t have any plans, so don’t concern yourself about that,” she said. Giving me a gentle and sympathetic look, she ran her hand on my arm, and added, “I would really like to hear this... Mitch.”

Now that the immediate course of action was decided, my mind switched its attention to details. I had people expecting me, and I was already late. I didn’t know if I wanted to face them, tonight. I had to cover any eventuality, keeping my options open. Working on a practical problem was better than being directionless, feeling lost and helpless. It helped take my mind off the feelings that were plaguing me.

“Thank you. Ummm... I need to make a call. Some people are expecting me. They might get worried. If you excuse me for a moment, I’ll be right back.”

I was considering taking a room at her hotel to spend the night, and face the family next day, with a fresh face rather than the way I looked. I wasn’t planning to sleep with Dana—come on, we’ve just met—and I wasn’t over my encounter to jump into bed with a woman.

I went to the public telephones, and made a call to my sis. She wasn’t at home, so I tried my parents. Mom answered at the third ring, and as soon as she recognized my voice, I was under a barrage of questions. Once I calmed her, I told her I ran into an old friend and we lost track of time trying to catch up, that’s why I was late. Then I added that I might be held up until late at night or perhaps tomorrow, so they shouldn’t wait on me. She wasn’t happy, but she didn’t make an issue of it. That done, I went back to Dana, and collecting our belongings, we headed out to the taxi stand.

* * * * *

In the taxi, Dana gave the directions to the hotel, and half an hour later, we were at its doorstep. At the reception desk, I felt a bit awkward. I was trying to figure out a way to get a room discretely, so that I wouldn’t give Dana the wrong idea, but she noticed my unease, and pulled me aside.

“Mitchell, is something wrong? Are you having second thoughts?” she asked.

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on Mitch. Something’s bothering you. What is it?”

“Ummm... I was thinking of getting a room... I wanted to take a quick shower, and get a good night’s sleep before facing people tomorrow. I wanted to look fresh when I met them. I didn’t want to give you the wrong idea. I just realized, I didn’t even stop to consider whether you’d like to be seen with me in public... considering the way I must look at the moment,” I replied, feeling very self-conscious.

When she heard that, her eyes widened, then she reached out with her hand and brushed my cheek with her fingertips affectionately. “You are sweet, you know that? You look like you’re ready to collapse... I can’t imagine what kind of emotional stress you’re under... and you think about all these things. I really need to get to know you,” she said with a sympathetic smile.

Thinking over something, she continued. “I have a better idea. It’s a bit unconventional and I don’t want to embarrass you, but I want you to think about it. We are going to have dinner, and we’ll talk and I don’t know how long that will take, but we need privacy and a comfortable, relaxing place. You may not agree... but you need company. I think it would be better if we get a room with double beds—or a suite to share—rather than two single rooms. You and I both know we will not be doing anything, don’t we?” At that last, she gave me a comforting smile.

She had a way with words, and a genuine sincerity that put me at ease, and make me see her point of view. If I had had this proposal from anybody else, I would have refused it offhand, unless it was part of a seduction, and I was willing to participate. I didn’t know why, but in the short period of time since we met, she had my trust. I couldn’t help but wonder who was watching over me, and had placed Dana in my path. Still, I was a bit uncomfortable, but before I could state any objections, she beat me to it.

“Mitch, really... It’s no big deal. I could use the company myself, and I would feel better knowing that you are OK. You’re not imposing at all. What’s more, we wouldn’t have to rush, and would have all the time we need to talk. My next flight is mid-day tomorrow, so we can stay up late. What do you say?”

“Dana... I don’t know what to say... I’m flabbergasted. I’m just wondering if this is a dream, or if you’re an angel... I won’t be shot by an angry husband or a boyfriend, will I?”

“No to all your questions,” she replied with a laugh. “No, this isn’t a dream, and no, I’m not an angel, and there are no husbands or boyfriends...”

“Umm... OK. It sounds like a plan. Maybe we should get a suite, so you will have some privacy. I’m an uneasy sleeper, and don’t want to deprive you of a decent rest.”

“All right. Let’s do it,” she said. Hooking her arm in mine, she steered us back to the concierge.

We asked what was available. In the end, we settled for a small suite—two interconnected rooms with a shared bath. The rooms were big and pleasant, and the bath had a nice big tub and a shower. I asked Dana when she would like to have dinner, and she suggested we call for room service, in an hour or so. That gave us plenty time to take a shower and clean-up. Dana went first to shower, then 20 minutes later, knocked on my door, telling me the shower was available.

I picked up my toiletries, and a hotel towel, and entered the bath. After brushing my teeth, I stepped into the tub, and pulled the shower curtain. Setting the water temperature to colder than lukewarm, I stepped under the high-pressure spray. With my hands on the tiles, leaning against the wall, I let the water beat on my tired body, washing away the grime of travel, and the stress.

I’m not sure what happened next, though. One moment I was standing, and the next I was shaking. It wasn’t the cold water, although it was cold. It was more like after-shocks. I had that before, when I had survived my first serious scrape...

Serious scrape? Really? You don’t know how lucky you had been to survive... and without a scratch to show for it...

Couple of years ago, I was driving on the country road to the rig-site, in a rush. The roads were bad: loose sand, gravel and compacted clay. Parts of the road were still wet and muddy from recent rains, and I was driving pretty fast, about 80–90 km/hr, because I had driven this road a few times and was familiar with it. I was approaching a curve, still on a dry portion and didn’t slow down. I guess I was preoccupied and wasn’t paying attention. I just felt the steering wheel getting a bit lighter, and took my foot off the gas pedal. The car slowed down, but because I didn’t brake, it didn’t slow down much, and what’s more, I felt it was losing traction. By then, I was approaching the curve, and I went from DEFCON 4 to DEFCON 1. But, the damage had already been done. I didn’t use the brakes, because the surface was muddy again, and I tried to steer the car gently from the middle towards the inner part of the curve, hoping the tires would sink in the soft mud and perhaps slow down the car a bit.

I distinctly remember the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, as the car failed to respond, and started to slip towards the outer edge. Beyond the edge, it was a pretty steep slope of 25–30 meters to a flatter but somewhat rocky surface. The whole thing had a surreal quality; time seemed to slow down, and I remember thinking, ‘so, this is it... no chance to say goodbye... in a few seconds it will be over... so stupid... such a stupid way to go!’

The next thing I experienced was the slow tumbling and rolling of the car over the edge. I had my arms up trying to protect my face from the shattering window, and to keep my head safe from hitting the roof, and generally trying not to be thrown out of the seat. I remember the roof crunching down, and my head hitting it during the roll, my body held by the seat belt. I felt disjointed from the whole thing, despite the adrenalin rush... not exactly scared, but angry at my stupidity. The whole event was over in a matter of seconds. I remember feeling helpless, and caught in a violent whirlpool, the sound of metal being torn and buckling, and wondering when it’s going to end, when death is going to claim me.

Then, suddenly, everything came to a stop. I was upside down, with a bump or two on my head, but still breathing, and still alive. I was dazed by the violence of the whole experience. After several minutes hanging still, frozen in shock, I did a quick check of my joints and extremities; luckily, I wasn’t hurt or wounded. However, I was pretty much disoriented viewing the world upside down. I carefully freed myself from the seat belt, taking care not to get hurt. Since the roof was partly collapsed, there wasn’t much chance of a fall down on my head. After I rolled over on my belly, I looked for a way out. The front windshield seemed to offer the best opportunity, so I kicked out the remaining glass, and carefully crawled out.

Once I was outside, I took careful inventory of myself, taking my time. Nothing was broken, and apart from the two painful bumps on my head, I had no injuries. That done, I carefully inspected the slope, curious to determine the path the car took while rolling down. I was surprised to see how it missed several out-cropping rocks and intrusions on its way down. If the driver’s side had hit some of these, I would have serious injuries, and might have been killed instantly. Metal had torn, but mostly the rear doors, or the back of the roof.

Lucky?

More like charmed!

I don’t remember how long I stood there, looking at the slope up and down in stunned silence. I know that I had taken a few steps away from the car and lit a cigarette, trying to comprehend what and how it happened, running the whole incident in my mind in slow motion replay. After a while, I started to walk to find a way to the road, and look for help. Several hours later, I was on the rig-site, being checked by the medic. Later, they had me sent to the hospital for X-rays, fearing concussion, etc. but they didn’t find anything and I was given a clean bill of health.

Two days later, I was back at the rig-site, sipping my coffee and chatting with the guys about the preparations for an upcoming operation, when I had the shakes. It started slowly, and caught me with surprise. I didn’t understand what was happening, and just managed to put my cup on the table, before the shakes intensified. One of the guys rushed out for the medic, and another pulled me to one of the benches, trying to calm me down. It just took maybe a minute or so, then it was over. Medic said I was having after-shocks. That was the shakes... and not the last time. I had several other scrapes since then, and every time they were followed by a delayed reaction...

So, here I was, standing under the running water in the tub, when the shakes hit me. I was caught unawares, because there wasn’t any possible reason for this to happen. I hadn’t had a life-threatening experience. As the shakes intensified, I almost collapsed. Before I slipped and fell down, I dropped down to my knees with a thud, and kneeling, I grabbed the edge of the tub to steady myself. Next thing I know, I was sitting in the tub, cowering, and shaking... and... crying. Crying like a baby for Christ’s sake... After a while, I raised my face up to the spray to stop crying, but I couldn’t, although I was calming down, albeit very slowly.

“Mitch... Mitch, are you OK?”

Dana was calling from the outside of the bath, but I was unable to respond. She knocked on the door a few times, and when she didn’t hear me respond, she knocked harder.

Jeeez... Get a hold of yourself. You don’t wanna be caught like this, do you?

“Mitchell, is everything all right there?” Her voice was high pitched, worried.

Shit! Come on... control yourself and respond...

I heard the door open a fraction and she called out again, “Mitchell, are you OK?”

“Yeah!”

Luckily the running water was making a lot of noise, so she might think I hadn’t heard her.

“Are you all right? I thought...”

“Almost slipped,” I managed to get out, trying to control my crying.

“Uhh... OK... Sorry... Be careful,” she said, then closed the door.

Pheeeww! That was close...

If she had walked in on me, I didn’t know what I would have done. The scare she gave me, and the possibility of embarrassment helped me to gain a semblance of control. I sat there a few more minutes, letting out the tears that needed to come out. When I calmed down, I stood up, turned on the hot water tap more, and started to wash myself. By the time I was washing the suds away, I was functioning at some level of normalcy, and my mind was busy trying to figure out why it happened. While I was toweling myself, I remembered my trip to the rest rooms at the airport, and how I had fought my urge to cry. I had been successful then, but in reality, it was bottled up inside me. With all the other things that happened later, the realization of my loss and the associated emptiness, it had finally caught up with me in the shower. A part of me was disgusted with my weakness, but I was feeling much better than an hour ago, as if a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe what they say is true. Crying cleanses the soul...

When I looked at myself on the mirror, I was surprised to see that I looked much better than a couple of hours ago. My eyes were slightly red, and a bit sunken, but I didn’t look like death warmed over. What’s more, I wasn’t feeling as tired or desolate as before.

Back in my room, I put on a clean pair of jeans and a shirt, and a comfortable pair of moccasins. Usually I go with socks or bare feet, wanting to feel the floor or ground. I never liked heels in shoes. Even my cowboy boots, which normally came with heels of more than an inch, didn’t have much in the way of heels—about a quarter of an inch. I was feeling pretty good, and wanted to bring myself up a bit more.

I wanted to be ready for the dinner, Dana’s company, and our eventual talk. I didn’t want to break down as I had in the shower. I sat on the thick-carpeted floor, legs crossed in a comfortable manner—not exactly the Lotus position—resting my hands palm down on my legs. I went through slow breathing exercises, relaxing my muscles, and letting my mind wander. I didn’t try to chase thoughts or hook onto a particular one. I just let them come and go. In about fifteen minutes, I was feeling rejuvenated, and ready to face the world again.

* * * * *