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Thank you for your consideration. -------------------------------------------------------- Gomer Pyle - MIA by CarterUSMC (carterusmc@aol.com) *** Did you ever wonder what Gomer Pyle USMC was doing hanging out on that Marine Corps base all those years back in the sixties when the young men of his generation were fighting and dying in Vietnam? Did you ever wonder what would have happened if he had been sent to Vietnam? Maybe something like this. (MF, military, preg, parody) *** Not for the first time in his life, and probably not for the last, Sergeant Vincent Carter USMC cursed the day he had ever met Gomer Pyle. Torrents of rain poured over his helmet and poncho as he squatted hiding just off the main trail in the dense jungle foliage. His M- 16 rifle was soaked now and therefore only slightly worse than useless. The VC that had ambushed his squad were probably still looking for him. He hadn't heard any firing for some time and had no idea what had happened to his men. Pyle was the whole reason he was here, the reason he was in 'Nam and the reason he was alone and cut-off on this god forsaken water buffalo path. Back in the states Carter had had it easy (leaving aside the almost daily irritations of being Gomer Pyle's NCO), a cushy job, a girl friend, and no combat duty. Easy street had ended the day that Pyle, assigned to wash and wax the General's brand new Cadillac Seville delivered the car to the Base commander's office. He delivered it all right. He drove it right through the front door and onto his desk. Pyle claimed his foot had "slipped" on the accelerator. He even offered to pay for the car out of his Marine Corps pay...for the next twenty years. The base commander hit the roof. The very next morning both Pyle and Carter had orders for Vietnam. By evening they were on a plane winging its way across the Pacific. Upon arrival they were immediately dispatched to a combat unit, with Carter replacing a platoon sergeant who was completing his tour of duty. From the moment that Vince assumed command of that combat platoon he began plotting the final solution that would rid him once and for all of the Gomer Pyle problem. He figured he had to before Pyle got him killed and maybe the whole platoon as well. So whenever they were out on recon or patrol, Vince assigned Pyle the most dangerous position: point man. But it was all to no avail. Pyle seemed to lead a charmed life. Bullets that were meant for him flew right on past or hit other men behind him. Carter figured it was because Pyle tended to skip down the trail with those obnoxious little erratic movements that had so infuriated the Sergeant on the drill field but also made Pyle hard to track in a rifle sight. Not only did Pyle skip over trip wires and tiger pits, he spotted them for the rest of the platoon. Vince's plan was backfiring. Not only was Pyle surviving, he was becoming popular and respected with the rest of the platoon as someone they could count on to keep them alive during their tour of duty. Pyle was an albatross around Vince's neck that he just couldn't shake off. So whenever they were at base camp with the rest of the battalion, Carter started assigning Pyle to night guard duty, again on an almost regular basis. Pyle bore it all with that irritating, good-natured country bumpkin enthusiasm of his which only made Pyle more popular. Finally, one morning Pyle turned up missing when he was due to be relieved by the day watch. Secretly, Carter was elated. The VC must have slit Pyle's throat and drug the body off, or taken him prisoner. It didn't matter. It didn't even matter why, Pyle was gone, out of his hair. But then that greenhorn Lieutenant Gresham had summoned Carter to his tent and given the Sergeant a through dressing down, as if Pyle turning up missing was somehow Vince's fault! Gresham kept insisting that Pyle was a good marine and a model soldier, that the whole platoon knew that Carter singled Pyle out for hazardous duty out of some kind of personal vendetta, that Pyle's loss would have a devastating effect on the morale of the platoon that had come to depend on him and that it was Carter's duty to take a squad and go out and retrieve the man. Carter was devastated. He tried to explain to the Lieutenant that it was bad tactics, in fact a mistake, to risk a whole squad to retrieve one man who was probably dead anyhow. Carter pointed out that he knew this from experience as a veteran in Korea. But Gresham wouldn't hear of it. He ordered Carter to take a squad of ten men and start the search for Pyle that very morning and not to return till he found him. If he didn't bring Pyle back, Gresham promised to court martial Carter for "dereliction of duty". So Carter had rounded up 10 "volunteers" and headed for the bush in the most likely direction. There were no signs of a struggle but there were tracks of what were probably Pyle's Marine issue boots. Late in the afternoon some three miles from base camp as a torrential downpour set in they were ambushed by the VC. The squad scattered to the foliage and Carter was pinned down. Eventually he managed to crawl to what passed for good cover, a hollowed out fallen tree trunk. It was here that he now sat waiting, waiting for some sign of the rest of his squad. As the rain suddenly ended, the late afternoon sun cast long shadows through the jungle canopy. The incessant chorus of millions of rain drops dripping from thousands of leaves and the sound of thousands of frogs masked the noise of any movement nearby for Carter. So he was not entirely surprised when he felt the dull stab of the barrel of an AK-47 at his back and the sing song command of a VC soldier telling him to put his hands up. Carter did as he was told, letting the useless M-16 fall to the ground. There were four of them. One picked up Carter's rifle while another knocked the helmet off of Vince's head. A kick in the butt and a sharp command told Carter to stand up, put his hands on his head and get moving. The black pajama clad VC were only a little shorter than Carter but moved swiftly and silently through the dense undergrowth. After 10 minutes or so they stopped by a tree stump. One of them grabbed Vince's hands and tied them behind his back with a piece of rope while another one rapped a series of rapid then slow, Morse code like sounds on the tree stump. Carter wondered what the hell this was. Communication with the wood spirits? What was going on? Then a rapping reply echoed hollowly from the stump. The VC by the stump rapped his own reply and a moment later the "tree stump" was swinging up in the air on a trap door hinge. A VC tunnel network! That's where they were going to take him, inside one of those god-forsaken VC tunnels. A foot in his butt pushed Carter toward the hole in the ground. Hands reached out of the tunnel and grabbed his feet while a VC behind him grabbed his chest and he was lowered into the blackness. Carter sensed that he was being carried/pushed down a long winding series of corridors. Occasionally he would catch a glimpse of light on the curve of a wall down some intersection. But it took only a few seconds for him to realize that he was totally disoriented in the maze. Finally they unceremoniously dumped him against a wall in what he assumed was some kind of holding hole for prisoners. His captors didn't hang around, but left him tied up, sitting against the wall as they scurried off down another tunnel. They didn't seem to have left a guard. Maybe they figured they didn't have to. Or maybe there was an officer in the next "room" (wherever that was) waiting to question him. Funny, aside from distant faint echoes of voices, it was still as death in here. Vince sat alone in the darkness, waiting for what seemed like an eternity. He realized that in the silent blackness he was rapidly beginning to loose any sense of the passage of time. Mind torture, that's what this was. Those inscrutable little VC bastards were just going to leave him here to contemplate his navel for a week and then probably shine a big bright light in his eyes and he'd spill his guts about whatever they wanted to know just out of gratitude for human contact... A blinding beam of light flashed out of the darkness and into Carter's face. "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" Vince's heart sank. He had heard those words a thousand times before. And they could only have been uttered by one human on the planet. It was Pyle. He was alive. "Pyle you idiot! Shut up, they'll hear you." Carter hissed, full of anxious exasperation that quickly softened. "Oh never mind, just turn off that light and untie these ropes. We gotta get outta here, now. I gotta admit though Pyle, I've never been so glad to see you in my life. How did you find me?" Gomer turned his flashlight to dim and gave Vince a big smile. "I'm really glad to see you too Sergeant Carter," he said in that good naturedly Southern twang of his. "But I didn't find you, you found me." "I found you??!! You mean you just escaped? Come on untie these ropes." Pyle never ceased to amaze Vince. "I really and truly wish I could Sergeant Carter but I can't." "Pyle, Why not?!" Vince whispered hoarsely. He could feel the veins on the side of his neck starting to pop. "There's somebody that I want you to meet Sergeant Carter." A slender slight figure of a girl with long black hair crawled up to the light of Pyle's flashlight. "This here is Xuang. She's 18 years old. She's my fiancé. Xuang means ‘springtime'." Carter smiled indulgently nodding politely toward the girl. She had that heart stopping, knee melting, delicate and fragile beauty of young Vietnamese women. "I'm very pleased I'm sure to make your acquaintance Miss and I wish you and Gomer here... Wait a minute, Pyle. Did you say your fiancé?!" "Yes, Sergeant. Xuang is the reason I left the base. You see she would come out and talk to me at night while I was standing guard and all, keeping me company and what with me speaking a little Vietnamese and Xuang speaking a little English we got to know each other real well over the past few weeks. We started holding hands and all and well...one thing led to another and.." Gomer embarrassedly paused, blushing slightly. "Anyway, to make a long story short, she invited me to her village and I met her daddy and her mamma and her aunts and uncles and all her little sisters and brothers and cousins and now she's going to be the future Mrs. Pyle!" Gomer beamed from ear to ear, grabbing Xuang's little body around the shoulders and pressing her closely to his side. Not for the first time since he'd known Pyle, Vince's jaw dropped about a foot. Summoning a hidden reserve of extra superhuman strength reserved exclusively for Marine Corps ex-Drill Instructors, Vince recovered his composure so he could speak. "Look Pyle, if you untie these ropes and we get out of here right now and I do mean right now, I won't say a thing about your desertion. We can just say that the VC captured you back at the base and took you prisoner there rather than at Xuang's village..." "Oh I'm not a prisoner Sergeant." "You're not?" Vince said, as the right side of his lip turned slowly upward baring his teeth in an expression of overwhelming incredulity that always seemed to precede Pyle dropping the boom on him. "No Sergeant, you are. You see Xuang's father is what you call the ‘political officer' of the village and.." "PYLE!" the scream of Vince's voice echoed and reechoed down the long black tunnels of the complex. Pyle and Xuang jumped back at least a couple of feet in startlement. "Please, Sergeant Carter, please don't yell." Gomer said. "Pyle! Pyle! Are you crazy Pyle? She's a VC! She's the enemy! You can't have a VC for a girl friend!." "She's not my girl friend, Sgt. Carter, she's my fiancé." "Girlfriend, fiancé, its all the same, Pyle. You're consorting with the enemy." "Well now, that's not really fair Sergeant Carter", Gomer replied. Vince sensed that Gomer was warming up for another one of those very personable, rustic, folk- wisdom, pain-in-the-ass, lectures of his. "If there's one thing I've found out, its that people are people no matter where you go. Why everyone just wants to be treated the same as you and I would Sergeant Carter, that's the Golden Rule .... ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you'..." "Forget the Golden Rule Pyle! This is war! People are not people, they're the enemy..." Vince caught himself. He could see by the look of perplexed amazement on Pyle's face that none of this was getting through. "What I mean is", Carter continued, forcing himself with Herculean effort to be calm, "is that in war some people are not people. They're the enemy...like her." Vince nodded his head towards Xuang. Gomer just sadly shook his head. "I wish I could make you understand Sgt. Carter, I really and truly do. You see Xuang's father is a farmer just like the folks back home around Mayberry. Only difference is is that back home they grow mostly corn and sorghum and here they mainly grow rice." Vince tried another angle. "Are you really sure you've thought this thing all the way through Pyle? What about a mixed marriage? What happens to any kids you have?" "Well, you're right there Sergeant, seeing as how I'm a Baptist and she's a Buddhist. But I've always believed that religion should never stand in the way of two people finding happiness who are really and truly in love with one another." Vince rolled his eyes. This was hopeless. It was obvious that Pyle had been brainwashed by the VC, what especially with him probably having sex for the first time and all. "Look Pyle, none of that matters. What really matters is this. You've got to untie me and let me go so I can go back and warn base camp that there's a whole VC tunnel complex not five klics away..." "Oh I couldn't do that Sergeant. What would happen to Xuang's village and her mamma and all her little sisters and brothers and cousins if the Captain found out about this here tunnel under the village?" Gomer paused. "I can tell you right now, Sergeant. Terrible, terrible things would happen and that just wouldn't be right. Especially if they found out about the medical supplies from the base and all." "Medical supplies? You gave the VC our medical supplies?" "Well no Sergeant, I just told Xuang where she and her friends could find them. What with her little brother having malaria and all..." "Pyle," Vince moaned. "What could possibly happen now that's any worse than this?" Carter hung his head between his knees. Gomer placed his hand on Vince's shoulder in a gesture of compassion. "Don't worry Sergeant, Xuang says you won't be here for long. In another three days they're gonna take you up to the DMZ and then on to Hanoi. You won't have to fight anymore Sergeant Carter. There might even be a prisoner exchange. Till then you can stay right here snug as a bug in a rug with Xuang and me in this here tunnel." Gomer gently squeezed Xuang's hand. "We call it our ‘tunnel of love'". "Great Pyle, just fucking great. I'm gonna be eating rats and rice in some POW camp while you and your fiancé are visiting Uncle Ho's amusement park taking the boat ride through his Viet Cong ‘tunnel of love'. Just fucking great." *** Over the next three days Carter found that he was able to sleep, even when hogtied. It was just that the sounds of Pyle and his VC girl friend making out in practically the same room were very distracting. Carter was sure Pyle had been a virgin till he met this girl. Women seemed to like Pyle, they felt safe around him. What was the phrase? Oh yeah, they loved him like a brother. Sure, they'd go out with him, they might even hold hands and smooch with him, but Carter was sure that none of the broads Pyle had dated back in the states ever "went all the way" with him. Back then, Carter had sometimes wondered if Pyle wasn't really queer and just went out with women sometimes as a front. Now, like a starving man stumbling out of the desert into a full buffet, Pyle was gorging himself with sex every night. Pyle and his "fiancé" seemed to go at it non-stop. It wouldn't have been so bad except for the fact that Carter had only been laid once since he got here, during a rare visit to a Saigon whorehouse, then it was back in the bush for three months. Carter was really horny and now here was Pyle and his VC girlfriend going at it like a couple of bunnies day and night. And all Carter could do was listen, loose sleep and try to get off on the frustration. It was real torture. Over and over again, every night he had to listen to things like: "Go-mer, Go-mer, Ooooohhhh! Ooooohhhhh! Go-mer! (pant, pant, pant, pant) OOOoooohhhh!" What was really distracting for Carter though was Pyle's strange and disquieting proclivity to suddenly and with out warning shout. "SHAZAAM!" at the top of his lungs whenever he attained orgasm. Idly, Carter wondered what Pyle's new girlfriend thought of that or what she thought it meant. *** On the fourth day though Carter suddenly had other problems to worry about. After a breakfast of steamy hot rice, the guard that was to escort Carter to the DMZ finally showed up. He was the biggest Vietnamese Carter had ever seen. At least as tall as Gomer and twice as wide. He gave Carter a funny sort of smile. "Sergeant, Xuang says this here is Le Duc. He's gonna be your guard to the DMZ. She says everyone in the village likes Le Duc cause he's so silly. He makes everyone laugh cause he's always pretending like he's a little girl. She says that she can tell that Le Duc really likes you and that you two are gonna get along just swell." "PYLE!" Vince screamed for the last time as the massive VC picked Carter up and hoisted him over his shoulder like a burlap bag full of rice. "PYLE! ---GET --- ME--- OUT---OF---HERE!" Vince shouted as Le Duc ascended the ladder to the entrance of the tunnel. "Bye, bye Sergeant Carter. You all come back and visit us when the war's over!" Gomer called out. Gomer and Xuang just stood at the bottom of the tunnel entrance, bathed in sunlight, holding each other and waving a fond farewell to Sergeant Vincent Carter USMC. Epilogue: Sergeant Vincent Carter USMC was released from Hanoi when the war ended in 1973 with the Paris Peace Accords. He claimed never to have found Gomer Pyle and affirmed that Pyle was indeed "Missing in Action". But as late as 1980 there were rumors of tall, gangly Amer- Asian children in central Vietnam who would unexpectedly leap from bushes and shout "Surprise, Surprise Surprise!" at terrified and unwary travelers. END ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Please keep this story, and all erotic stories out of the hands of children. They should be outside playing in the sunshine, not thinking about adult situations. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Kristen's collection - TV, Sitcom & Movie Archive