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My Sexual Journey
by Anonymous (address withheld)

***

Older Irish lady recalls her sexual development. (mf-
teens, youths, ws)

***

I was an only child. My father was in his late forties 
and my mother in her late thirties when I was born. They 
were good parents but they were conservative. As for sex 
little was said and I somehow understood that I wasn't 
to ask any questions about it. Once they started, my 
mother gave me some basic instructions about dealing 
with periods and some vague directions about not letting 
boys, and particularly older men, take advantage of me. 
On my side there was embarrassment and I preferred it 
when the subject was not mentioned between us.

We lived in a comfortable area but there were no 
children of my age nearby. I went to a mixed primary 
school. Having friends visit me at home was not 
encouraged. I was a quiet, bookish kind of girl but one 
who had a great curiosity about people. I watched people 
coming and going from my bedroom window and made up 
little stories for myself about their lives.

One of the early points of difference with my mother was 
in the area of clothes. Her taste for her daughter was 
always a little old-fashioned and certainly tended 
towards the very modest. Woolen tights are very 
appropriate for the Irish winter but there are days in 
April, May and June when something lighter and less 
restrictive is called for. My mother thought it unseemly 
that my knickers might be seen in the hurly-burly of 
play in the yard so tights I wore most of the time.

In this sort of atmosphere it was inevitable that I 
would have a few kinks somewhere. As an only child I was 
curious about other children. Firstly I was curious 
about other girls, though that was easily satisfied. In 
those days the toilet block was separate from the school 
classroom. Usually girls went there in two's and three's 
and it was quite common for two girls to go in the stall 
at the same time. 

When I was about 8 or 9 I had this friend, Julia, and we 
usually went together. We sometimes lifted our dresses 
when sitting on the toilet to allow the other to look. I 
don't know who started it and it went on for about a 
year. When we came back the next year somehow we had 
become a little more self-conscious even though we still 
shared the stall. What did I get out of it? Nothing 
really sexual, maybe reassurance that I was like other 
girls down there?

At about 9 and certainly by 10 I had got very curious 
about boys and their bodies. I knew there was something 
different down there. My friend, Julia, had brothers, 
older and younger, and she mentioned a few times that 
boys had what she called "teapots" ( pronounced taypots 
)and that they stood to pee. She said that if I came to 
the football games I would be sure to see some of them 
because they often had to pee near the fence! The 
problem was my parents didn't see any need for me, as a 
girl, to go to a football match.

I began to watch out for boys more and more. I started 
to daydream about them, imagining that I could see them 
undressing or going to the toilet. Then, when I would 
catch myself having these thoughts, I would feel guilty 
and try to think of something different. At this stage I 
was hinting to my mother about having a baby brother. I 
didn't tell her why, of course, but anyway she let me 
know that it was unlikely.

On my way home from school I mostly walked by myself. 
There were three boys who went part of the way that I 
did. One evening in the spring I stopped to watch some 
lambs in a field. I saw these boys approaching and 
decided to move on. I walked further down the road and 
around a bend. I turned back to get one last look at the 
lambs and saw that the boys had stopped where I had 
been. 

They were looking at the lambs too. As I was watching I 
saw one of the boys, who would have been about 7, turn 
towards where I was but he couldn't see me. He had his 
hands at the front of his pants and suddenly it came to 
me that he was peeing. To be honest, I couldn't see much 
but it was exciting, to watch him. When he finished I 
moved on home quickly. The scene kept coming to my mind 
all night and at school the next day I looked out for 
him at playtime just to look at him. I felt close to him 
even though he didn't know anything about it.

In my final year of primary school I got more confident 
talking to the boys of my class. There was one lad, 
Thomas, who was slightly older than I and who was 
physically big for his age, that I had a crush on. To be 
fair to him he was always nice to me and he didn't tease 
me like some of the others did. 

I was more curious than ever about boys down there and I 
always listened out for any stories that the girls told 
about them. As well as "teapots" I was now hearing about 
"balls" and "stones". Despite my intense curiosity I 
didn't ask any questions because I didn't want to look 
innocent. I don't want to give the impression that the 
other girls talked all the time about boys. Far from it, 
that was why I was so attentive when they did mention 
the subject.

Since my little episode of peeping at the 7 year old, I 
had been looking out for other similar opportunities. I 
was about 11 when I was going to Mass on a Sunday with 
my mother. She met another lady who had a little boy 
with her. He was about 5. As they were talking the 
little boy pulled at his mother's hand and whispered 
something. She excused herself saying, "I have to attend 
to this lad." 

She took him into a gateway and pulled down his pants. I 
was just about to see his penis when my mother said, 
"Kate, don't be rude. Stop staring." I turned away but 
managed to swing my eyes back again and could see the 
lady putting his little penis back and pulling up his 
pants. 

There was one time I saw an adult man. He was elderly 
and was waiting for a bus on a country road near where 
we lived. I was in the shed at the bottom of our garden. 
He seemed impatient, looking back and over the road. He 
turned suddenly towards the fence, which meant I had a 
good view, opened the buttons of his pants and pulled 
out his penis. It seemed to me that he pressed it and 
water began to come out. At the end he shook it and put 
it away. I was excited to see it but, at the same time, 
I felt ashamed, because it was like looking at my 
father. ( By the way that never happened.)

At this stage puberty had begun to manifest itself. Not 
all at once but hair had appeared under my arms and down 
there. It would be another year before I got even small 
boobs and my period didn't start until I was 14 and a 
half. I didn't know anything about masturbation. Yes, I 
had quiverings in between my legs but I didn't think 
about rubbing down there. The religious teaching my 
mother had given meant no unnecessary touching in that 
area. 

As for male masturbation, yes, some of the girls in 
school made giggly remarks about boys having "itchy 
balls" and "pulling their wire". It was noticeable in 
the yard that a few of them had their hands deep in 
their pants pockets and they seemed to be moving them 
around a lot in there. I had begun to observe this 
behaviour without knowing what it meant. There was one 
lad who didn't bother with the pockets but just pulled a 
little at the front of his pants down there every now 
and again. 

In the summer between finishing primary and moving on to 
secondary school I had some experiences which satisfied 
some of my curiosity.

My contact with cousins was not very frequent as both my 
father's and my mother's family lived in different parts 
of the country. I was about 12 and a half when my father 
decided to visit his brother. My mother decided not to 
go and was not keen on my going either. For once my 
father took charge and said it was important for me to 
meet my uncle and cousins. They lived on a farm and we 
stayed there for two nights. There were two girls, one 
16 and one 8 and a boy about my own age. I think he was 
actually about 6 months younger than I was.

It was a year or two since I had met them and at the 
beginning we were a little reserved with each other. I 
got on well with the younger girl and she helped me to 
settle. Her older sister regarded me as too young for 
her. Through being with the younger girl I got to feel 
comfortable with her brother. We helped with feeding the 
animals. That first day we played a chasing game around 
the farm sheds. 

By the time it came for bed on the first night I was 
quite comfortable with Helen and Joe. Deirdre, the older 
girl, did her own thing. I was sleeping in the same bed 
as Helen. It was a big double and there was plenty room 
for both of us to roll around. It was strange for me to 
share a bed with somebody because I was usually on my 
own. Helen was quite energetic in bed (not sexually) and 
tickled me and eventually I responded by doing the same 
to her. Her mother came in after a while and told us to 
go to sleep. 

We were next to the bathroom and when we were quiet we 
heard somebody go in next door. Helen said, "That's Joe. 
Listen to him pissing. He always does it loud." At that 
stage I could hear the sound and began to feel a little 
funny. Before I could stop myself I asked Helen, "Do you 
ever watch Joe when he's doing that?" As soon as I said 
it I started to blush and get worried. What if she tells 
her mother what I asked? 

Helen, to my great relief, answered straightaway. Yes, 
she had often seen him do it. And she had even seen some 
of his friends doing it. They sometimes would have a 
contest to see who could pee highest against the wall of 
the shed. I lay there listening to her, thinking how was 
she so lucky and I had trouble getting even a glimpse? I 
got brave and asked her about Joe's "thing". She told me 
that in the family they called it a "pee-pee" but that 
his friends called it a "dick". 

She took my hand and took my middle finger and said it's 
about that long but it's fatter. Then she turned the 
tables and asked about boys I had seen. I told her that 
I didn't have brothers so it wasn't as easy for me but I 
had seen a few. I mentioned the 7 year old I had seen in 
the field. She then said to me, "would you like to see 
Joe?" I wasn't too sure what to say and eventually I 
said I would.

Just then Deirdre came in and began getting ready for 
bed. Helen got quiet and so did I. It took me a long 
time to fall asleep with all the thoughts and images in 
my mind.

The following morning Helen brought me around to help 
with chores. We had to let out the hens and collect eggs 
without breaking them. We also had to brush out their 
house which was a smelly job. As we worked Helen said to 
me that Joe would play chasing with us later. "I'm sure 
you will catch him taking a pee," she said. 

I pretended to be casual about it but inside I wasn't 
sure how I was feeling. It was exciting but also 
something very naughty. If my mother found out what 
would she do? Maybe I wouldn't look at all. I remembered 
a girl in school saying that when a boy had pulled it 
out for her she ran away. At the time I said in my own 
mind, "You fool." Maybe she was right. I wanted to see 
it but I wanted to be good also.

Joe had chores to do in the fields so he wasn't able to 
play with us until after lunch. It was my turn to be the 
chaser and after counting to 50 I had to find Helen and 
Joe. It didn't take me long. Then it was Helen's turn to 
chase. Joe ran off towards the big barn where the hay 
was kept. I was about to go towards a different shed 
when I heard him calling my name softly. "Come in here 
with me," he said, "You can hide with me. Helen won't 
come after us for a few minutes yet." 

I followed him and he led me through a passage between 
bales of hay to an empty corner at the far end. When I 
caught up with him he said, "I have to take a leak." I 
hadn't heard the phrase before but soon found out what 
it meant. He sort of turned away from me towards the 
concrete wall and I suddenly realised that he was peeing 
against it. 

I moved a little to the side to see better and he leaned 
back and made the stream go up the wall. I was so 
fascinated by this that I almost forgot to look at his 
penis but when he stopped peeing I looked as he shook it 
and put back in his pants. He said, "You stay here and 
I'll hide around the back." With that he slipped out the 
door and I stayed staring at the mark of his pee on the 
wall.

While I was waiting for Helen to find me I kept going 
over in my imagination what I had seen. The problem was 
that it had happened so fast and was over really before 
I had a chance to take it all in. Still I was excited 
and felt trembly, as if I couldn't stand. I could still 
see Joe standing there peeing against the wall and I 
could still get the smell of his pee. I thought I had a 
need to pee myself, which surprised me because I had 
gone to the bathroom before we started playing.

When Helen found me she said to me did you see him pee? 
I was reluctant to talk about it, because I was feeling 
a bit ashamed. Maybe I should have kept my back turned 
to him and not watched. I was confused.

We continued to play for another hour or so and then Joe 
had to do some more chores. Helen and I were sent to the 
bedroom and told to clean it and make the beds. She 
tried to say it was Deirdre's turn but her mother didn't 
agree and added, "You may as well do Joe's room too." 

When we were finished in our room, Helen brought me into 
Joe's bedroom. It was small with only a single bed. At 
that time duvets weren't common in Ireland, so there was 
a spread, two blankets and blue sheets. We straightened 
out these. Helen surprised me then by pulling back the 
blankets and top sheet and looking at the bottom one. 
"Sometimes Joe leaves stains on the sheets at night," 
she said. "Mom says it's because he's growing and that 
all boys do it." Then she pointed, "That's one there." I 
looked and could see a clear stain with a kind of brown 
border. I didn't know what it was and didn't find out 
until later what it really meant.

There was a clothes cupboard along one wall and Helen 
started opening and closing some of the drawers. "Look, 
Kate, at Joe's underpants." I felt guilty but I went 
over and stood beside her as she pulled out a couple of 
pairs. They were the white boxer type which seemed to be 
what most boys wore that time. It was later that they 
began to wear ones of different colours. 

In fact I remembered that one time in school some of the 
boys were teasing another lad because they claimed he 
was wearing his sister's knickers. The lad being teased 
got very angry and got in trouble for hitting his 
tormentors. Helen held up one of Joe's underpants and 
put her hand through the hole in the front. "Joe needs 
to piss," she said, giggling. I giggled as well because 
it looked funny.

After we had our tea that evening my uncle asked me if I 
would like to see their old horse. He was redundant 
because they had recently got a tractor but they still 
kept him in a field at the far end of the farm. I said 
yes and he told Joe to take me there. Helen wanted to 
come along as well but her mother kept her in to do the 
dishes.

The only time that I had been alone with Joe previously 
was when he peed against the wall so I was a little 
nervous to be walking with him now. Even though he was 
slightly younger than I was, the fact that he had 
sisters seemed to allow him to be comfortable in the 
presence of a girl. He was wearing an old red sweater 
and a pair of blue jeans. As we walked along he kept 
putting his hands in his pockets and then taking them 
out again. I was wearing a blue cardigan over a white 
blouse and a black skirt with white ankle socks. I 
didn't have a bra at this time but I had a vest to 
conceal what wasn't really there yet.

As we walked he asked me about where I lived and who I 
played with. He asked if we had a good football team and 
I didn't know the answer to that! We talked a little 
about school and especially about the new schools we 
would be going to in September. I was going to an all 
girls' school and he was going to go to an all boys' 
school. He asked me if the girls in my class ever played 
football with the boys. I said that some played chasing 
with them but that I usually played only with the girls. 
I said to him, "you're the first boy I really played 
with."

Then he said to me, "Was I really the first boy that you 
saw taking a piss?" I was a bit taken aback at this 
language but I said, "Yes." "I don't have brothers or 
any other boys living close to me." He then started 
telling me about a girl in his school who was in a class 
one year below him. She made a habit of looking into the 
boys' toilet at break time until another girl told the 
teacher on her. "She was like you, she had no brothers." 

At this stage I wasn't sure what to say next but we had 
reached the field where the horse was. He was a pet and 
when Joe whistled he came over to us. Joe started 
plucking grass and feeding it to him. He then gave me 
some grass and told me to give it to the horse. The 
first few times I was too nervous and let the grass fall 
out of my hand before the horse had time to get it in 
his mouth. Eventually I succeeded.

After a little while the horse lost interest and moved 
away. We were still watching him when his thing started 
to get very long and he started to pee. I got very red 
and felt hot all over. I don't know if Joe noticed but 
he said, "Do you see how long his dick is?" I said the 
first thing that came into my mind, "Does his thing 
always do that before he pees?" "Watch when he stops," 
Joe said, "how it goes back up into him." And that's 
just what happened. 

All this time we were sort of leaning on the gate into 
the field and for some reason, I again said something 
out loud that I was thinking in my mind, but had no 
intention of saying. Yet it came out. "Does your thing 
ever do that before you pee." Joe sort of looked at me 
with a smile and he said, "When I wake in the morning my 
dick is standing out and I always want to piss. After I 
piss it goes down but if I think about girls it stands 
up again." 

He asked me then if I had ever seen a boy's dick 
standing out and I said no, I never had the chance as I 
had told him earlier. He looked around and he said, 
"There's no one around but if you hear or see anyone 
give me warning." I looked around but we were on a path 
with a hedge on the other side so I said, "There's 
nobody." I didn't know what he was going to do, I knew 
it was something naughty but I wanted it anyway. 

He pulled up his jumper a little and opened the front of 
his jeans. The first thing I noticed was his white 
boxers, like the others back in his room. He put his 
hand to the opening in the front of them and there it 
was, his penis. It was white with a blue vein along it 
and it was red at the top where his pee would come out. 
The top was open and I thought he was going to pee but 
he put his fingers along the side and pulled the top and 
I could see this other part, very red with a little slit 
in it. "Ok," he said, and started to put it back in his 
underpants. 

Before he could close up his jeans I said, "Can I ask 
one other thing?" 

"Sure."

"I've heard the girls in school talk about the balls. 
Could I look at them?" 

"Yeah," he said. 

This time he pushed his boxers half way down his thighs. 
I was surprised to see that he had hardly any hair down 
there. He held his penis in one hand and held it back 
against his stomach. He leaned back a little and with 
the other hand he sort of held his balls. I was really 
fascinated. What I saw was a pouch with wrinkled skin 
and when Joe held it a certain way I could make out the 
shape of two balls. 

"Feel them if you want," he said, "but don't hit me 
there or pinch or tickle." 

I gingerly put my fingers towards where his hand was and 
I touched the skin. Then I could feel the hardness of 
them and I could see why some girls called them stones. 

Joe asked, "Have you seen enough?" 

"Yeah, that's fine," I said. 

Joe began to dress himself again. "Why did you say not 
to hit them?" 

"Because it's very painful if you do. Some of the boys 
at school do it and if you're not ready it's really 
sickening. Deirdre and Helen don't hit me there but 
Deirdre used to pinch me there and it was bad enough." 

"How did she manage to do that," I asked. 

"You know the room you're in now, I used to sleep there 
with the girls until last year. Sometimes I would be in 
the big bed with Deirdre and she was always picking at 
me. If I did anything to her she would tell Mom and I 
was in trouble. I never told on her, even though she 
hurt me a few times."

We were standing side by side and I was full of various 
feelings at all I had seen and heard. Then I got a 
shock. While I was having my childhood curiosity 
satisfied, I had forgotten that Joe might want something 
in return. He turned his face towards me and said, "Your 
turn." 

"Have you got titties yet?" 

I was red in the face but decided to be honest. "Not 
really." 

Joe said, "Can I feel them?" 

At this stage he stood a little behind me and without 
waiting for my answer he began to feel around the 
outside of my blouse. Immediately I could feel myself 
getting hot all over and I had tingling down my legs. He 
was pushing into the blouse and then he put one hand 
inside on my vest. "They're lovely," he said. "Deirdre's 
used to be like that but now she has a bra and she 
doesn't let me feel them anymore." 

By now he had got his hand inside my vest at the side 
and was skin to skin with my nipples. "They're getting 
hard," he said. "That must mean you like me touching you 
there." 

"I don't know," I said, "it's the first time anyone has 
done that and I don't know whether I like it or not."

"Have you hair down there?" he said next. 

Since it looked like he was going to feel down there as 
well I said, "Yes." It had started a few months ago and 
there was now a noticeable black patch right between my 
legs. He put his hands under my skirt and ran them up my 
thighs to my knickers. He pushed them to one side and 
got his right hand in and felt my hair. This meant he 
was feeling at the top of my slit but he only seemed 
interested in my hair. I won't say I was frozen but I 
was somewhat bewildered and I had the sensation that I 
wanted to pee. 

"It's lovely," he said. "I don't have much hair yet but 
Dad told me that I would get more as I got older." As he 
said this, to my great relief, he took away his hand 
from under my skirt. He put his two hands in his 
pockets. Then he said to me, "Have your periods started 
yet?" 

I knew about these from girls in school but my mother 
hadn't yet given me any information. "No," I said, "I 
think I'm too young yet." Then he told me that Deirdre 
had got them when she was 14 and that after that she got 
very private and didn't touch him anymore or allow Joe 
to touch her. It seemed to me that Joe missed the fun he 
had with Deirdre.

At the moment however I had a problem. It must have been 
the excitement of all I had seen and experienced but I 
was desperate to pee and I knew there was no way I could 
wait until I got to the bathroom. I had never peed in 
front of a boy before, but there wasn't any way out. One 
thing my mother had impressed on me was the importance 
of emptying my bladder when needed. She said if I didn't 
I could get infections. I don't think she anticipated my 
present situation but I knew that I had to go.

Joe had just said, "We better get back before they come 
looking for us." 

I said, "Joe, I need to pee very badly. Is it ok if I do 
it here?" 

Joe said, "That's fine. I need a piss too anyway. You go 
first and I'll keep lookout." 

I pulled my knickers down quickly and started peeing. It 
was strange because I could hear my pee hitting off the 
ground and running out between my legs. As I was peeing 
Joe gave a few glances at me and he probably saw my hair 
and my pee coming out but I didn't care, my relief was 
so great. 

When I finished I quickly pulled up my knickers and 
stood back. Joe just stood where he was and quickly got 
his penis out and peed. When he finished he shook it 
like he had earlier in the day. "Why do you shake it?" 

"Because if I don't, when I put it back in, the last few 
drops go down my jeans and I hate that." 

When we got back it was almost time for bed. Helen asked 
me how I got on with Joe. I told her that he let me 
watch him pee and that I let him watch me. Just then 
Deirdre came into the room and began to get ready for 
bed. I now looked at her somewhat differently after what 
Joe had told me about what they used to do. I began to 
imagine what they got up to in the bed I was now sharing 
with Helen. 

Before I knew it, my father was calling me in the 
morning to get up for the train. Helen was still asleep 
when I left. Deirdre and Joe were out on the farm doing 
jobs. On the train I was daydreaming if Deirdre and Joe 
were doing anything naughty but I decided no, because 
from what Joe had said Deirdre seemed to have gotten too 
grown up for all that.

The rest of that summer went on its usual way. I didn't 
have any more exciting encounters like that with my 
cousin, Joe, but I had enough to feed my imagination. I 
was fighting with myself a lot of the time. My sense of 
conscience was developing, I suppose, and I felt that I 
should not think these nasty thoughts. So I did a lot to 
distract myself, helping my mother around the house and 
reading books. 

However there were times, nights and days, when in spite 
of my good resolutions my thoughts went to boys. I tried 
to tell myself that I had seen what a boy has down 
there, I had even touched a boy's balls, I had seen up 
close a boy pee and seen his thing when it got hard. So 
my curiosity was satisfied. Why wasn't that enough?

The problem was that it was nice to go over in my mind 
what had happened with Joe. It made me blush and feel 
hot all over and I got a tingling down there and along 
my legs. If I had known about masturbation I'm sure I 
would have done it constantly. But touching there was 
out as I already mentioned. Other girls that I knew 
probably did it but we didn't talk about those things.

As well as remembering the incidents with Joe I began to 
replay them in my mind but putting Thomas, the lad from 
school that I had liked, in Joe's place. I would picture 
Thomas in his black pants, which he always wore to 
school, walking with me along the path to where I had 
seen the horse. 

We would stop at the gate and feed the horse. Then 
Thomas would need to pee and I would imagine what that 
would be like. When he was finished he would let me look 
at his thing and his balls, as Joe had done. Unlike Joe 
he would have a lot of hair down there.  When I think 
back the only part of that scene I always left out was 
where I had to pee in front of Joe myself. That was not 
part of my imagined encounter with Thomas. 

***

The September following that summer I went to a new all 
girls' school. It involved wearing a blue uniform and my 
mother still insisted on tights! However I learned from 
other girls after a while how to customise the uniform. 
The problem was remembering to change it back for going 
home so there wouldn't be any awkward questions.

A few weeks after starting school my friend, Julia, who 
had been my best friend in primary, ditched me and left 
me to fend for myself. We had probably grown apart. At 
one stage we used tell each other everything. 
Interestingly, when I met her after coming back from the 
trip to my uncle's I didn't tell anything about the 
incidents with Joe. I soon made friends with two other 
girls in my class but I didn't have the closeness with 
them that I had with Julia.

I know there was talk about boys and sex in my class but 
it was much more subdued than it had been in primary. My 
two friends and myself never spoke openly about sexual 
things. We shared our opinions of various boys alright. 
TV had only recently come to Ireland and we talked about 
some of the personalities and the shows. We did talk 
about our own development, about bras and periods and so 
on. In this regard I found my friends very helpful and I 
talked to them more than to my mother about these 
things.

By the end of first year I needed a bra. I had managed 
without one for most of the winter but once the summer 
began I had to ditch the heavy jumpers. I found wearing 
a bra strange at first and often in house at home I left 
it off. But like every woman, I suppose, I gradually got 
accustomed to having it on. 

Towards the end of my primary days I had begun to get a 
little discharge in my knickers but it was very light. 
However it began to get frequent and harder to ignore as 
I got older. My two friends were very good in reassuring 
me that I was normal. It happened to everyone.

It still took until late in my second year in secondary 
school for my periods to start. By then I had gone 14. 
It was near the end of the school day that it started 
and I managed with toilet paper until I got home. I told 
my mother and she introduced me to the use of a 
complicated contraption of a belt and towel. Later on it 
was great when I was able to use pads and later again, 
tampons. I always had a certain amount of cramping but 
learned to live with it.

One day at school, I was giving out to my two friends 
about how troublesome periods were for girls and I said 
boys have it easy. One of the friends who had older and 
younger brothers told me then about erections, wet 
dreams and boys' masturbation. It still didn't seem to 
balance up but at least I had some more information. 

With the concentration on my own development, I suppose, 
what I called my nasty thoughts hadn't bothered me for 
months. But this explanation from my friend brought 
things to mind again. I remembered being in Joe's 
bedroom and his sister pointing out the stain on the 
sheet. It must have been from a wet dream. 

I also remembered the way Joe's penis had stood out from 
his body and realised that it could be uncomfortable 
inside a jeans. The hands in the pockets and pulling at 
the front of the pants made more sense now too. For the 
next while I was back again recalling the incidents with 
Joe and wondering if his penis was now longer and 
bigger.

I got a great shock shortly after beginning my third 
year of secondary school. I was now nearly 15. One day I 
was taken out of class and told that my father had died 
suddenly. At the time of the funeral my uncle and 
cousins were around but I was in no state to even think 
about anything sexual. I remember though that I hardly 
recognised Joe because he had got very tall and was 
shaving.

I don't need to detail the grief and sadness my father's 
death caused me. Looking back I think it meant that I 
was more sheltered than ever because my mother now 
became even more protective of me. While the other girls 
were beginning to explore relationships with boys I was 
looking after my mother and keeping her company.

For my final two years of secondary school I 
concentrated on my studies. In my final year we shared 
some classes with the boys' school. It was nice to have 
male company again but my studies came first. I was 
hoping to go to college in Dublin and I needed good 
results. I listened to stories told by the other girls 
of their first relationships and sexual encounters but I 
wasn't active on that scene.

***

During that summer after my exams I had a job in a shop 
in town. I still lived quietly with my mother. I had one 
casual encounter that summer with a boy. Liam was 
working in another shop in town and I met him one 
evening on my way home. We started talking and I found 
that I enjoyed it. As we came to a side road about a 
mile from my home I said to him I better cycle on by 
myself. 

I didn't want my mother to see us together. He asked me 
to stay with him for a while longer. I agreed and then 
he asked me to come down the side road with him. Again I 
agreed. Why did I? I knew he wanted sexual action of 
some sort but I think by that time I wanted to explore a 
little more myself. 

A short way down there was an old house. Nobody lived 
there anymore. I left my bicycle against the side of the 
house and we went around the back. It was quite apart 
from normal country sounds. He took my hand and was 
swinging it as we walked. Then he pulled me into him and 
held me against himself and started to kiss me. 

It was my first time and I had lots of different 
feelings. After a few minutes he asked me if I was ok 
and I said yes. Then he turned me so that he was holding 
me from behind and his hands were around my waist. I put 
my hands on his and it felt very nice. I felt myself 
getting slightly hot. He was asking me questions like if 
I had kissed many boys, had I done anything more than 
kissing, and so on. I didn't want to seem too 
inexperienced but I told him all I had done was a little 
kissing.

He then moved his hands up to my breasts inside my 
cardigan but outside my blouse. He was touching and 
squeezing and I didn't stop him. Then he asked if he 
could look at my breasts. Strangely I didn't stop him. I 
even helped him to open the buttons of my blouse and 
also my bra. He pushed it up and looked at my boobs, 
touched them with his hand and then he kissed them. He 
was still behind me and I covered my breasts with my 
blouse but let him keep his hands there. 

I said, "Someone might come back here." 

As he rubbed my breasts I could feel his excitement, he 
was breathing heavily and we were swaying together back 
and forward. I couldn't feel his penis but I thought to 
myself I want to see it at least, after what I've let 
him do. 

He seemed to calm a little. He said to me, "they're 
lovely. Has anyone else seen them?" I said no. He then 
started kissing the back of my neck and his hands went 
down towards my stomach and on towards my vagina. I put 
my hands on his and said that's a bit far. 

"Aw, please," he said. 

I was feeling wet there at this stage and I didn't want 
him to know it for some reason. Then I got brave and 
said to him, "You have seen some of me, now it's my 
turn." At this stage I closed up my bra and my blouse. I 
turned to face him.

"Can I see it?" I said. 

He blushed and moved a little away from me. "No girl has 
ever asked me that." 

"Well, you've seen and touched my boobs. Fair's fair." I 
said. "Anyway, I'm sure you have pulled it out for some 
girl before me." 

He seemed embarrassed but maybe excited as well. Then he 
opened the front of his pants and out it came, all red 
and hard. To me it looked very big, much bigger than the 
last one I saw, when I was 12. "Someone might come 
along," he said and put it back in again and closed his 
pants. I could see that he was excited though.

Then I remembered how one of the girls had told me in 
school in the last year how she made a boy very happy 
one night after a dance. She had told me in detail what 
she had done. I decided to try it out on Liam. 

"I have to go in a few minutes," I said, "but I want to 
kiss you and do something before I go." I think he was a 
little worried by now that I was more experienced than 
he was. 

So I walked over to him and started kissing him. Then I 
put my hand to the front of his pants and I could feel 
his thing still hard. I broke the kiss and told him to 
turn around. He did. I leant back against the wall and 
pulled him against me like he had done to me earlier. I 
put my left hand in his pants pocket but he had keys and 
coins there. I asked him to take them out and he changed 
them to the other side. I put my hand back in his pocket 
and put my right hand inside the waistband of his pants.  

Luckily his pocket was deep and I was able to get a good 
grip of his thing. I moved my right hand down to the 
start of his pubic hair and rubbed it around there. With 
my left I squeezed and let go, squeezed and let go. I 
asked him if he was ok, did he want me to stop. "Keep 
going," he sort of gasped. 

I did and within a couple of more seconds I could feel 
his penis pulsing and suddenly he pushed his own left 
hand into his pocket on top of mine. I slipped mine out 
and he lay against me and I could feel his body shaking 
as he ejaculated. I didn't see it but I felt a great 
sense of power to be able to do that to a boy.

Liam moved a little away from me. "Are you ok?" I asked. 

"Yeah," he said, "that's the first time a girl did that 
to me." 

"I don't believe you," I said. 

Then he told me about two girls he had been with, both 
of whom I knew. When he moved their hands to his penis, 
he said, they pulled them away immediately. He seemed to 
be very surprised at what I did. Strangely enough that 
was my only encounter with Liam. Maybe he thought I was 
too aggressive.

That autumn I moved to college in Dublin and began my 
adult life. I often thought and fantasised about my 
childhood encounters. It could have all been different 
but maybe it was meant to happen that way. 

To be continued?

Archivist's Note: This author did not provide an email 
address so it will do the reader no good contacting the 
archive staff for further parts. Check back at a later 
time to see if there have been any updates to this story 
by the author.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It's okay to *READ* stories about unprotected sex with
others outside a monogamous relationship. But it isn't
okay to *HAVE* unprotected sex with people other than
a trusted partner. 4-million people around the world 
contract HIV every year. You only have one body per 
lifetime, so take good care of it!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Kristen's collection - Directory 72