("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._ `6_ 6 ) `-. ( ).`-.__.`) (_Y_.)' ._ ) `._ `. ``-..-' _..`--'_..-_/ /--'_.' ,' (((' (((-((('' (((( K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N _________________________________________ WARNING! This text file contains sexually explicit material. If you do not wish to read this type of literature, or you are under age, PLEASE DELETE THIS FILE NOW!!!! _________________________________________ Scroll down to view text -------------------------------------------------------- This work is copyrighted to the author © 2011. Please don't remove the author information or make any changes to this story. All rights reserved. Thank you for your consideration. -------------------------------------------------------- Interview with R by Slim n' Dusty (slimndusty@yahoo.co.uk) *** 'R' is a woman who has always been fascinated by death and corpses. After suffering sexual harassment from older boys at the age of 7, she was ostracized by her own school and community, which failed to address the traumatic experience. Her successes in both academic studies and in sport, made her peers jealous, whilst her non-conformism led to further isolation. (MF, nc, mast, nec) *** 'R' is a woman who has always been fascinated by death and corpses. After suffering sexual harassment from older boys at the age of 7, she was ostracized by her own school and community, which failed to address the traumatic experience. Her successes in both academic studies and in sport, made her peers jealous, whilst her non-conformism led to further isolation. As a teenager, following a bad experience with a psychiatrist, her desire to understand her own sexuality led her to collect as much information as she could on psychology, sexual deviances and necrophilia. Sexual fulfillment followed with her first orgasm, not from being with a man, but with a human bone. 'R' offers a rare glimpse into the private world of the female necrophile, from touching a corpse to choosing her favourite human bone for masturbation. Far from fitting a psychiatric stereotype of a withdrawn, shy, recluse - who cannot relate to the world around her, 'R's enjoyment in talking to various people, together with a sociable personality clearly demonstrates a warmth that is different from this. Q. Firstly, I'd like to start with your background - relationship with parents, childhood, puberty, adulthood, etc.? A. My parents really supported me and believed in me and gave me a belief in my own strength. I had a very good relationship with my father who taught me a lot. My mother suffers from mental and physical illness, so it was problematic because she tried to control me and was paranoid, but I would say that it was still a good relationship if you add everything up. My childhood and puberty had two faces. On one hand I was talented, creative, good at school and at sports, etc. On the other hand I was the outsider in all groups, especially my class, and I had to learn how to live against a whole group environment that tried to put me down. The other pupils didn`t like me. The weird thing is that although they hated me, I heard from others that they somehow admired me too. I was very ambitious, interested in all subjects, and I could get good results without much effort. So jealousy might have been one reason, and the fact that I didn`t imitate them, e.g. I didn`t wear labels and wasn`t interested in being girlish. I was younger than the others, which means I was equal with learning and height, but couldn`t compete in maturity, I was naive and felt "left out" of puberty a bit. I picked children as friends that were younger than me or outsiders or weak, because they appreciated my companionship. During early adulthood, I perfected ways to transfer problems into creative energy, and there was the break from the role-model-life to the outlaw-life. This break started from about the age of 24 until now. I didn`t find a job after finishing my studies, I stopped sports and gained weight. I lost some of my goals and interests (e.g. drawing), and I became involved in ideas and a struggle for a better society. This had nothing to do with my necrophile fantasies, I simply felt betrayed by society because I had wasted so much time for nothing. My problems were social (with other children and juveniles, and I suffered because my parents quarreled) and sexual. Whenever I felt depressed by a problem, I analyzed it and found ways to work through it in a productive way - I made movies with friends, I drew many pictures, wrote song lyrics, roleplayed (invented games for younger children) etc. I would even invent one game with a dice and cards and photo comics for my parents out of our life. Later, I turned my social frustration into political flyers and ideas for action. My sexual problem is also a strong drive that keeps me going. Even though I`m lazy sometimes, I can never just sit and relax. I have to read a book. I cannot stay still without a challenge or task for too long, because that would be too risky. Q. What do you mean by 'risky'? Do you mean that it would make you misbehave in some way? A. By risky I mean that I`d get all worked up about my fantasies and maybe dig up a corpse again. I can only control my desire through distractions and other tasks. Q. So, when did your interest in necro start? How old were you? Describe your feelings and what may have triggered them (that is personal experiences, film, etc.). A. I have always been fascinated by death and by corpses. As a child I was hyperactive, but could spend hours playing with old flowers on the cemetery without being bored, and I sensed the atmosphere was like in a huge garden from an old faerie-tale. When 7 years old, I was sexually harassed by older boys and I mention this to you now because I`m not sure whether it might have had an influence on my sexuality. The boys were 13 and were together with my classmate who was the brother of one of them. I found out years later that my father had gone to the police and the youth care at the time, but they didn`t do anything because German law only punishes juveniles over 14. The boys forced me to be touched by them, but didn`t penetrate me. They told me not to tell my parents, but I told my father. I remained friends with the classmate who witnessed the harassment because he felt uneasy during the event and didn`t participate. He must have told other pupils because during the next few days, pupils (especially the girls) made fun of me - as if it was my fault. I felt totally ashamed and hated myself for having felt so cowardly. Neither my parents nor the teachers reacted in any way (by either talking to me or punishing the boys and telling the pupils to stop picking on me). That`s how I learned that justice is something you have to fight for on your own, because the event itself was not half as disturbing as the reactions of the environment. The weird thing is that years later, I talked to one of the boys and he saw it as something harmless, like just a boy`s antics. Q. Why did you feel 'cowardly' after the sexual harassment? A. I didn`t feel cowardly after the harassment, but I was a coward because I didn`t refuse to be touched. I hated myself for that. What could have happened more than being beaten up? It would have been better to face their violence and fight and not behave like a sheep in the slaughterhouse, I was just too afraid because they were both 13 and I was only 7. Later on, at the age of 9, I wanted to visit a "Leichenschauhaus" because I believed it was a museum and was totally sad and depressed for weeks when my father explained me that it wasn`t possible. The term "Leichenschauhaus" comes from the past when unknown dead people were laid out in a hall and anyone could look at them in order to see if he knew them. Nowadays the public cannot visit and watch them, but the term has stayed. It`s just a morgue. The word "schau" is a mixture of "show" and "watch" that`s why I mistook it for a museum. As I grew older, I fell in love with horror movies, zombies, and dark Metal/Gothic music. My first sexual experiences with boys were frustrating because I didn`t feel much, but my female friends told me I had not met a "good one" yet. So I first thought it was not my fault. I consumed death-related music / movies and noticed that I didn`t like torture, sadism, or murder, but corpses. When I was 16, I saw the movie "Nekromantik" and was very depressed. I think what depressed me about the movie was that necrophilia seemed unchangeable. At first, I thought that I simply felt compassion for the main character, but now I believe that I was depressed because, subconsciously, I too knew that I was a necrophile and, just like the main character, I couldn`t escape it. But it still took me several months to realize that I wanted a corpse. Q. Did you get any counselling? A. I went to a psychiatrist, which ended up a bad experience for me. The psychiatrist was a recommendation, and I went there believing that he could help me. He talked to me for only half an hour and his questions were superficial and he behaved in an arrogant way. After that, he asked me why I hadn`t come to the idea to take medication for it. I replied that medication would only treat the symptoms and that I didn`t like taking pills against every problem. And I asked him how he would know if I`m a necrophile only after talking for half an hour to me (I mean, I could have told him a story to gain attention like many juveniles do). He told me not to question his knowledge (in that arrogant way where: "I`m the doctor and my diagnosis is always right") and that he wanted to keep me in 'stationary treatment'. I told him that I didn`t like his behaviour and left. And then this bastard called my parents! He told them to deliver me to him, and even wanted to make my father cancel a holiday that had been planned a long time. And here is one reason why I love my parents: My father told him not to harrass him or me anymore in any way! I felt totally shocked because I had gone there, trusting, and it is not easy to talk about this to a stranger. And I felt abused, he had told my parents behind my back, and he had tried to treat me as a child, not respecting my personality at all. I hate deceit, and I felt betrayed. Afterwards the feeling that had already risen by my other experiences with people got stronger: while others tried to put me down, I felt superior. After seeing this psychiatrist, I collected information about psychology, sexual deviances and necrophilia. I gathered as much information about the subject I could get and tried to analyze myself, from the normal literature and from forums on the internet. I met other necrophiles through this searching. I often went to the cemetery at night, and sometimes I got human bones. At 17 I had my first orgasm not with a man, but with a bone. I found several bones and a skull, and I got another skull from a friend, too. It`s not difficult in big towns. I took them home and 'cooked them' because that was recommended to me by my friend. Q. Why did you 'cook' them? I cooked the bones because it sterilizes them. I liked the skull and the femur most and took them to bed often. Sometimes I went back to the cemetery with bones, too, and lay in an open grave or on a fresh grave to masturbate. Usually I just kissed, hugged and petted myself with the bones, and would rub myself until orgasm. Afterwards I felt satisfied but sometimes also very sad because I thought it would be better to be sexually normal and not so lonely. When I was 18, I dug up a corpse with a friend. The corpse was of an old man who had been buried that same day, and it was well-preserved. I touched it because I wanted to know how I would feel - whether I would be shocked or aroused - whether my desire was true or just a figment. I was, like, in a trance. I lost my self- control. I just acted without thinking about my feelings or what I would do next. I was just touching and caressing it, and pinching, because it was so amazing that it didn`t react. It sounds stupid but I needed to pinch it to make sure it was dead and that it didn`t scream or move, and that was totally overwhelming for me. My friend had helped me to make a hole in the coffin, but after a while he pretended it smelled and left the open grave we were in. After I touched the corpse for the first time, I then told him to do it too, but he said "no thanks" and asked whether he could leave again. I told him that I hadn`t spent an hour to open a coffin in order to leave after a second, but promised to leave after a minute - which turned out to be longer (but I had lost my sense of time, so I cannot say how long it was). He sat on the edge of the grave and told me that he felt nauseous. He told me several times to leave and that the police would catch us. When I asked him for a knife, he was shocked and pulled me out and forced me to leave. He took me away after about half an hour. I was still on a "high" so I didn`t discuss it. He was paler than a corpse afterwards. I bet he didn`t enter a cemetery for years after that. Before that night, he said he'd loved me, but after this he stopped trying to have sex with me. He didn`t even touch me. Q. What would you have done if your friend gave you his knife? A. I don`t know. I know myself very well, but my sexuality always amazes me. I suffered a lot from my passion, but over the years I learned to handle it. I`ve made endless lists of "advantages" of necrophilia and what makes a corpse desirable, but now I believe that was only rationalizing. I`m still not sure if it`s determined or due to experiences. Q. You are now a mother and are settled in the routine of raising children. This indicates to me that you are self-disciplined and that you have managed to distance yourself from your past by putting the needs of your children first. Now that you are in this situation, do you find it hard to control your desires for dead bodies now that you have a family of your own? Do you still keep mementoes of those times and collect bones to play with? Does your husband understand this desire, if you still have it? A. I was as self-disciplined as I am now, but in other ways (sports, studies). I put the needs of my children first which includes to raise them as normal, but I don`t distance myself from my past. I consider my "crimes" pretty minor, because I hurt nobody. Whereas most people have hurt others in so many ways. I'm used to controlling my actions, as I often need to tolerate frustration in my life. My boyfriend made me get rid of the bones, which I sometimes regret. But there would always be an easy way to get some other bones if life gets more frustrating. As long as nobody invents a true therapy, I will keep that desire until I die myself. So the most frustrating thing is that I`ll never have a sexually satisfying relationship with my partner because it creates an invisible wall. I found the better known reasons for necrophilia - that a corpse cannot reject or hurt me in any way and doesn`t expect anything from me or put me under pressure and cannot disappoint me - in brief, it doesn`t have all the negative aspects that normal men have - and these are important for me. Another aspect, not so important, but worth a mention is that it`s something forbidden, a taboo, which others are afraid of/rejected by, so it gives an extra-kick and a weird feeling of being superior. I have a very strong, nostalgic longing for something undefinable by words, and corpses or bones strike that chord in me. It`s a feeling of both happiness and sadness at the same time. A normal person might feel the same if remembering a special moment or a favorite song. It might be possible that reaction formation has contributed to my necrophilia, because I hate and cannot deal with death, and I`m always fighting against nihilism and despair in myself. I`m also longing for a thing that has no accurate translation in English. It`s "Geborgenheit". The translation terms security etc. all don`t comprise the full emotional meaning, because it has a lot to do with "being home where you belong to". END ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ This story was written as an adult fantasy. The author does not condone the described behavior in real life. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Kristen's collection - Directory 69