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This work is copyrighted to the author © 2011.  Please
don't remove the author information or make any changes
to this story.  All rights reserved. Thank you for your 
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First Love - 2
by Anonymous Author (address withheld)
First published by TheEditor

***

A poignant coming of age story and love story wrapped 
into one. Well written and sexy story about teenage 
lovers and life in general. Because of the length of the 
story it has been split into two books. (mf-teens, 
youths, 1st, rom)

***

Book 2

-= Chapter 20 =- 

Karen did apologize to Jen the first chance she had. It 
was hard for Jen to look her in the eye, but soon 
everything was back to normal.

In the summer they had a barbecue, with friends and 
family over. All the kids swam and played volleyball. As 
it turned into evening it began to get a bit chilly, and 
Jen was still in the pool, trying to keep warm. Ryan was 
sitting on a lawn chair, trying to soak up the last of 
the sun's rays.

"Ryan," said his mom, who was wrapping up the food while 
she chatted with a friend. "Will you go get me a 
sweater? It's getting cold."

"Just a minute, okay?" he replied.

"Ryan, I asked you now, okay?"

"Will you just hold on a minute?"

"I'll go get it, Mom!" volunteered Will, jumping up. 
"Where is it?"

"Um, it should be in the kitchen," she told her youngest 
son.

Ryan rolled his eyes at Will's obvious brown-nosing. 
Right then Jen came over from the pool, wrapped in a 
towel. She sat on the edge of Ryan's lawn chair, 
shivering as her teeth chattered. He took his own towel 
and wrapped it around her shoulders.

"You cold?" he asked.

"Yes!" she laughed. "It was so hot like an hour ago!"

He sat up. "You want your clothes, or a sweatshirt or 
something?"

She nodded, shivering. "Yeah, please. Thanks hon," she 
told him as he jumped up and ran into the house.

It was Karen's turn to roll her eyes. "Hmph," she said 
as she carried food into the house.

JR grinned at her while he covered the barbecue.

"What?" Jen asked, confused.

"She just asked Ryan to get her a sweater. He wouldn't."

"What?" she exclaimed, sounding surprised at Ryan. "Why 
not?"

JR shrugged. "I don't know. He told her to wait, but 
Will offered to go get it for her."

Jen laughed. "Will. Yeah, he's her little baby," she 
noted.

His dad smiled again. "Yeah, but Ryan is her first born. 
Ryan used to be her little baby you know."

Jen looked surprised as she now understood what his dad 
had been laughing about. "Yeah, but he's my little baby 
now!" she told him with a coy smile.

He laughed again. "Yeah, and I bet she's knows it. She's 
known it for awhile," he told her with another grin.

Ryan came back out then with her clothes. They looked at 
him hurrying out and laughed.

"What?" Ryan asked them, mystified.

They just laughed as Jen gave him a hug and kiss and 
said thank you.


-= Chapter 21 =-

Jen was awoken by footsteps outside her door. It was 
Ryan of course, and soon he was in her bed. He lay next 
to her, holding her tightly in the dark. She kissed him, 
and climbed on him, pulling her shirt off. He responded, 
kissing her back as he lay there. She stripped him, 
sucking his cock until it was hard. He tried to go down 
but she pulled him back up, eager to have him in her.

He slid it in, and she sighed as he began thrusting on 
top of her. She lay back and closed her eyes. He began 
to kiss her as his hard dick moved in and out of her.

Suddenly he stiffened, and stopped moving, then pulled 
out of her. She opened her eyes to see him looking down 
between them. In a flash he was off her, laying on his 
stomach as he faced the wall.

"Ryan?" she whispered. What was the matter? He wouldn't 
look at her, and she figured it out.

What could she say? She felt horrible, ugly and 
unattractive. But she knew that he didn't think so. She 
looked the same as she had the last time they did it.

"It's okay..." she told him, rubbing his back. "Are you 
drunk?" she asked. She didn't think he was.

He shook his head slowly, still not looking at her. He 
got up then, pulling his pants on in the dark.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "Are you leaving?"

"I gotta go," he mumbled.

"Ryan! Don't leave!"

He ignored her, sitting on the bed as he quickly tied 
his shoes. She touched his arm, but he shook her off.

"Ryan! Talk to me!" she begged, in tears.

He left quietly. She lay back in the bed, crying. Why 
wouldn't he talk to her? She didn't care about what 
happened. Maybe he thought she thought he was a failure 
or something? That could be the only thing. But why had 
it happened? And why did he have to leave? The whole 
thing was so weird.

She looked at the clock. It wasn't too late, only 10:30. 
She turned on the light, picking up her phone and 
dialing.

"Hello?" asked a male voice.

"Danny?"

"Yeah. Hi."

"Hi, it's Jen."

"Hey Jen! What's up? How are you?" he asked.

"Good... Well, kinda bad actually," she whispered.

"What's the matter? I haven't talked to you in a couple 
weeks."

"It's Ryan..."

"What- did you guys break up?"

"No. It's just, something happened."

"What?"

"Well, I need a guy's advice. And I need to talk to you 
especially because you don't know Ryan much, and he 
won't find out I told."

"Aright. You can tell me. I'll try to help. What 
happened?"

"Well... I guess it's embarrassing. Well, he came over, 
and we were doing it, and, and then he couldn't do it 
anymore..." she told him.

"What? Oh, you mean he went *soft*?" he asked, 
surprised.

"Yeah! And he got really upset and he left and he 
wouldn't even talk to me," she whined. "He just said, 'I 
gotta go,' and he left."

"Hmm... Was he drunk?"

"No. I asked him and he said he wasn't. I mean, I don't 
care. It's not like I was using him for sex and that's 
it or something."

Danny sighed. "Hmm... Man! I mean, I'm sure he's really 
upset, and he was probably too upset to talk."

"Well why did it happen?" she demanded. "What did I do? 
Has it ever happened to you?"

"No, of course not!" he insisted.

She laughed. "No, really."

"No, actually it hasn't. Not with a girl. But," he added 
honestly. "It probably will happen someday. Probably 
more than once even. It happens to every guy sometime, 
but it's not like we talk about it."

"Well why did it happen?"

"I don't know. Maybe he was tired, or he didn't want to 
do it probably. He probably didn't want it but he didn't 
know, and that was his little dude's way of saying, 
'Hey! I'm tired and I don't want to work tonight!'"

She laughed, feeling better. "But he wouldn't talk to 
me. He just left," she said glumly.

"Yeah, he was upset. He's probably stressed too," Danny 
added. "Do- do you think he feels like a failure maybe? 
Isn't that how guys feel?"

"Oh, maybe. I mean, you tell me. You know him a lot 
better than I do!"

"Well, I don't know. I thought he wanted to do it," she 
said glumly.

"Did you instigate or did he?"

"Well, he came over! I guess that's instigating."

"Coming over isn't instigating unless he shows up naked. 
Maybe he just wanted to hang out. So what did he do when 
he came over? Did he rip your clothes off?"

"No... Actually, I ripped his clothes off," she 
admitted, feeling bad. "Maybe I should have asked him if 
he wanted to do it?"

"Well, yeah, you should have."

"Oh," she said, feeling even worse."

"Well, has he ever said no?"

"No. I don't think he ever has."

"Well, he probably would have said yes anyway, even if 
he didn't want to. Maybe, who knows."

"Why?" she whined. "Why the hell can't he just tell me 
he didn't want to?"

"Maybe he feels like it's his duty. To please you, you 
know. Well I'm sure he thinks like pleasing you is his 
duty, but now maybe he feels like, like a piece of 
meat!"

Jen laughed again. "But how am I supposed to know if he 
wants to do it or not if he won't tell me?"

"I don't know. Maybe you guys need to talk. Make sure he 
knows it's okay for him to say no. Of course," he added. 
"I can't tell you for sure if that's the problem, he 
maybe was just too tired or stressed or something. But 
don't demand a reason from him, 'cause he probably has 
no clue either and feels bad."

"He left. Should I call him? Or maybe go see him?"

"Well, you can. He probably just went driving around, 
looking for the nearest cliff to drive off..."

"Danny!" she laughed.

"I'm just kiddin' you. I mean, he'll probably come back. 
Just give him a hug and tell him you love him, and don't 
say anything about it unless he does first. Don't make 
him talk about it unless he wants to."

"I guess..."

"Okay?"

"Yeah. You've been a big help, Danny. Thank you."

"No problem. Are you gonna tell him you talked to me?'

"Hell no! He'll shoot me!"

Danny laughed. "I know, I was just kiddin'. Tell him I 
say 'hi' when he comes back," he teased.

"Yeah sure! Well, I gotta go. Talk to you later."

"Bye, kiddo."

"Bye."

Jen lay back, feeling better. But her room was still 
lonely without Ryan there. She sighed. She shut off the 
light and went back to bed. A few hours later she fell 
asleep.

***

When she woke up it was nearly light outside. Ryan was 
laying next to her, looking at her.

She inched closer to him, and hugged him. "I love you," 
she mumbled.

"I love you too."

She smiled, then closed her eyes again as she rested her 
head on his chest. She didn't say anything else, and 
neither did he. They both fell asleep.

When he woke up she wasn't in bed. He lay there still, 
tired. Eventually she came back into her room with a 
flower from her backyard.

"This is for you," she told him, handing it to him 
shyly.

He took it, smiling at her. "Thanks."

She climbed back into the warm bed, stretching as she 
lay next to him. She didn't say anything.

He started. "I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"Oh yeah? You shouldn't be."

"Yes I should. Last night- it wasn't very good last 
night."

"Yeah?"

"You know. I'm sorry."

"Well, I wished you would have stayed and talked to me. 
I don't care at all about what happened."

"Yeah, I should have stayed..."

"You know I don't care about what happened. I don't care 
at all."

He paused. "Well, it's never happened to me before. I 
don't know..."

"I'm sorry if I ever put pressure on you. You know I 
love you, not it."

"You don't put pressure on me..."

"Well, I do. See, you wanted to give me pleasure, by 
going down on me, but I wouldn't let you. I made you get 
hard and I didn't even ask you if you wanted to do 
anything. See."

"Maybe..."

"And you put pressure on you too," she told him quietly, 
playing with the blanket. "It's okay for you to say no. 
Just like it's okay for me to say no. Got it?"

He nodded.

"And I'm sorry about what happened before," she told him 
quietly. "I still feel really bad about what a bitch I 
was."

"When?"

"You know... A couple of weeks ago."

He laughed. "Jen, I think it's funny that you made me do 
it so much! I told you I'm not mad."

"No, see, but what I said and stuff. I know I told you I 
didn't mean it, and I was out of my mind and all, but 
maybe you still think about it..."

"No, Jen! I don't!"

She rubbed his shoulders. "Maybe you do."

"I told you, I don't!"

"I never meant it," she whispered. "I know maybe you 
think, maybe... I don't know... Maybe I hurt you a lot? 
" She started to sniffle, wiping her eyes.

"Jen!" he said. "Are we still talking about the same 
thing here?"

She nodded. "Yes! 'Member when I said that if you loved 
me you would be able to do it again?" she cried.

He groaned, pulling her to him. "Don't worry about it. I 
know you didn't mean it. You were drunk."

She shook her head frantically. "No! You know, you say 
that you shouldn't excuse someone's behavior because 
they were drunk. It still counts."

He didn't say anything.

"But I didn't mean it."

He sighed. "I know you didn't," he said quietly, looking 
at his hands.

"I love you."

He smiled, and nodded. "I love you too."

"And you know, we don't have to make love for me to feel 
close to you, for us to feel close," she whispered. "You 
know?"

He smiled. "I know. I love you."

"I love you too!" She kissed him. "Now let's have a 
great day, okay?"

"Sure. Let's have a great rest of our lives."


-= Chapter 22 =-

They were talking on the phone one night, and he 
mentioned that he was going away for a week, with his 
dad.

"What for?"

"Oh, just to go see some family and stuff. He said I 
could go, and maybe look at some schools around there."

"Oh, I'm gonna miss you!"

"Yeah, I'll miss you too."

"When are you going?"

"Um... Like, the 12th to the 18th I think. I'll have to 
check on it."

"Wow, you get to miss school. Hey that's the week Danny 
comes down. You're gonna miss him!"

"Oh no. I'd better stay then!" he teased.

"Come on," she laughed. "He's my friend. You don't feel 
jealous do you?"

"Nah, I'm just kiddin' you."

"Good. Is the rest of your family staying here?"

"Yeah, they're gonna stay."

"Oh, is it man-to-man bonding time?" she teased.

He laughed. "Yeah, we're gonna go fishing, and build 
furniture, and go to some topless bars..."

"Uh, I think not!" she commanded, laughing.

"You know I'm just kiddin'," he laughed.

***

The last night Danny was there he promised he'd spend it 
just with Jen. After all, she was the best friend he 
still had down there, he had told her. They went out to 
dinner, then wound up back at her house, watching a 
movie with her parents.

Jen was hoping her parents wouldn't say anything like, 
"Oh Jen! Where's Ryan?" teasing, to embarrass her. She 
felt a bit weird with him, being alone with him in the 
restaurant and in the car. She would never cheat on 
Ryan, but still, she felt tingly inside, like maybe 
there was still some chemistry between Danny and her. He 
didn't have a girlfriend, and of course in a way *she* 
had sort of broken up with him... Maybe he still liked 
her like that? She was wondering if he still regretted 
their break-up. Anyway it just felt nice to maybe have 
someone like her, making her feel attractive, even if 
she wasn't planning on doing anything with him.

After the movie her parents retreated to their bedroom, 
and Danny and Jen went back to hers. Dana called and 
they talked for awhile while he looked at all her 
yearbooks and photo albums. Finally she hung up, turning 
to him on the bed.

"What are you looking at?"

"This is a good picture of you," he told her, pointing 
to one picture.

She looked at it. "Oh, yeah, that was freshman year 
Homecoming." She felt bad after she said it, though 
really she didn't have a reason to. After all, it was 
just one dance of many she and Ryan had been to. Of 
course, if things had turned out a bit differently she 
and Danny might have gone together instead...

He nodded, looking at it intently. He looked over, and 
gave her a quick smile.

She smiled back, picking up a photo album of her own to 
look over.

"Gosh, what would have happened if we had never broken 
up?" he asked her lightly, but Jen could tell though 
that under his tone he was dead serious, but only trying 
to seem nonchalant.

"Hmm, I don't know," she answered vaguely.

"You probably don't ever regret it though," he said, 
still not looking at her.

She shrugged. "Well, I wouldn't say I don't regret what 
happened, but, well, I don't know." Why did she say 
that? She did know. But she was trying to spare his 
feelings; she didn't want him to be hurt by saying she 
was glad they had broken up.

He looked over at her again. Both of them were laying on 
their stomachs on the bed. "I regret it every day," he 
told her quietly.

She stared down at the pictures in front of her. 
"Really?" she asked him.

"Yeah, sure," he said.

"Well, you know, you moved away, so it actually worked 
out for the best," she said.

He looked back down. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But I 
probably could have stayed with my dad down here, if I 
threw a big enough fit. If I had a reason to stay."

She shrugged, unable to make eye contact with him. Why 
was it so uncomfortable?

"Oh well," he said. "I guess you don't care."

She looked over. "No, Danny! I do care!"

"No you don't," he muttered.

"Danny! Come on, don't be like that. I do care!"

He looked at her, his face only inches from hers. 
"Really?" he asked.

I should sit up or something, she thought. But she 
didn't. "Yeah," she said, giving him a smile.

He smiled back, looking her face over, then leaned in. 
Pull away, she commanded herself, but she didn't. It 
happened too fast; before she knew it their lips were 
touching. An electric tingle shot through her body from 
the kiss, and with her eyes closed, for a moment she 
didn't think it was wrong at all. Then he opened his 
mouth against hers gently, and she jerked away, her eyes 
flying open. He turned away from her.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

She didn't say anything, just lay there. Her mind was 
spinning.

"I'm sorry. It just happened. I didn't mean to kiss 
you," he told her, still looking at the wall. "I know 
you have a boyfriend..."

"Yeah. I have Ryan," she murmured. For the first time 
Ryan didn't seem so invincible.

They lay there for a minute, neither saying anything. 
Then Danny jumped up.

"Aright!" he said. "Okay, now I can run away and we can 
both feel really guilty and really shitty forever. Or we 
can just stay friends and laugh about it?"

She smiled, nodding. She felt relieved that he wasn't 
going to get mad and run away. But she still felt 
horrible inside, and she knew he was probably upset too, 
but trying to act like he didn't care. She felt grateful 
for that.

"Aright, it sounds good to me. Sound good to you?" he 
asked.

She laughed. "Sounds good to me!"

"Cool." He leaned in and gave her a huge hug. "So, our 
evening isn't ruined?"

"No, of course not! The night's still young!"

They both laughed. Jen still felt awkward, of course, 
but she knew he was right. It hadn't meant anything, and 
she hadn't cheated on Ryan because she hadn't kissed 
him: he had kissed her, and she had pulled away.

They talked for awhile, laughing and joking about people 
they knew and various things they had done while apart. 
And they got serious, discussing personal things like 
their families, and she told him about Ryan and 
arguments they had gotten in, and sweet things he had 
done for her. Danny talked about a girl that went to his 
school that he really liked, but how she was really hung 
up on another guy who didn't feel the same. Jen gave him 
advice, and they lay on her bed talking for a long 
while.

Finally, her dad knocked on the door. "Jen? When is 
Danny leaving so I can close the gate?"

She looked at Danny. "Um, he's probably gonna be here 
awhile. He might just stay the night."

Her dad raised an eyebrow.

"Dad!" Jen said. "Come on, don't worry about it! I'm not 
gonna cheat on Ryan!" She rolled her eyes.

"Aright. The guest room has sheets on the bed," he told 
them.

He left and they laughed. They talked for awhile longer, 
until they both began to yawn.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to throw you in the guest 
room," Jen told him. "All my friends sleep in my bed 
when they sleep over." Maybe she was just flirting with 
him, or maybe she was just trying to prove how much 
willpower she had.

"Oh, well, as long as you can control yourself young 
lady!"

They both laughed, getting ready for bed.

"Aright," Jen ordered, pointing. "Now, this is *your* 
half, and this is *my* half!"

"Oh, well you know, I only sleep in my boxers so you 
will have to keep your hands to yourself."

"Well, *I'm* only sleeping in my T-shirt," she told him.

"Oh, yeah, like, as *if*!" he told her sarcastically, 
making a face as they tumbled into bed. "Don't flatter 
yourself Jen!"

"Oh, sorry!" she laughed.

"You know," he told her as they lay in the dark. "I've 
had better offers at the zoo!"

"Yeah, well I've had better offers at the state mental 
institution."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. Your mother was pretty disappointed when I told 
her no!"

He burst out laughing, and they both traded insults 
until they fell asleep.

***

Jen woke up, her mind fuzzy. She looked over, and jumped 
to see the curtains moving. She hadn't locked her door. 
She froze, thinking it was a burglar.

The moonlight shined in brighter as the curtains were 
drawn back, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she saw 
Ryan standing in the doorway. Only half awake, she 
turned away for a second, then jerked out of sleep. 
Danny was next to her, what if Ryan thought...

He stood frozen as he stared down at the bed, the male 
figure next to her naked for all he knew.

Jen sat up on her knees. "Ryan! You're back!" she 
exclaimed, trying to sound excited. He knew she would 
never cheat on him, didn't he?

But he was only staring down at Danny, who was just now 
stirring.

"I thought you weren't coming back until tomorrow 
night," she told him. She still tried to sound cheerful, 
not like someone who had done something wrong. After 
all, she *hadn't* done anything wrong...

He looked at her for a second, too dark for her to see 
his eyes, then he turned around and walked out of the 
open door.

"Ryan, wait!" she cried, almost falling on the floor as 
she jumped off her bed. She ran out into the cold night, 
barefoot and barelegged, after him.

She reached him before he got out of her driveway and to 
his car on the street, where he always parked when he 
came over in the night. She grabbed his arms, trying to 
stop his brisk walking.

"Ryan! Ryan, stop!" He kept walking, pushing her away. 
"Will you just stop?!?" she cried, jumping in front of 
him and trying to hold him still. "Ryan," she whined. 
"We didn't do anything! It's not what it looks like!"

He shook his head. "Get out of my face!" he told her 
angrily, pushing her away from him as he kept walking.

"No!" she cried, grabbing him again and pulling on his 
shirt as she planted her feet on the driveway. He 
dragged her, and her ankle twisted, skinning her heal on 
the blacktop. She let out a yelp, then yanked him back 
as hard as she could. "Listen to me!" she cried. "If we 
have a relationship, then you will fucking listen to 
me!"

He pulled away, turning around and walking backward, 
shaking his head at her. "I guess we don't have a 
relationship!" he snapped. "You wanna fuck him? Yeah?" 
She shook her head, crying. "Well you can go finish 
fucking him!" he yelled. "I'm leaving!"

"We didn't do anything!" she screamed. "Ryan, no!" she 
sobbed, running out into the street after him, throwing 
her arms around his waist as he fumbled for his keys. 
She turned him around roughly and grabbed his face, 
making her look at him. He clenched his jaw, and a tear 
slowly rolled down each of his cheeks.

"We didn't do *anything*!" she told him, in his face. 
"He's my friend, he stayed over. Nothing, okay. Nothing! 
Look Ryan," she begged, pulling up her T-shirt. 
"Underwear! Look, underwear..." she whispered.

He stared down at her, then pulled away and leaned 
against his car. He wiped his eyes. "You promise me, you 
didn't do anything?"

"I promise!"

"Nothing?!? You didn't so much as kiss him?!?"

She dropped her eyes, looking down at his hand which she 
clutched in her own. She didn't answer him, her mind 
spinning. She should just lie, but no, if he found out, 
he...

He stared at her, then pushed her hand away. "You 
fucking kissed him!" he said fiercely.

"Well, I, no..." she began. She could lie, but he would 
know. "No, he kissed me!"

"God!" he shouted, opening the car door angrily.

"No, Ryan!" she cried. "No! He kissed me! I told him no! 
Ryan, stay!" she screamed as he got in his car.

He turned to face her. "Get out of my face Jen!" he told 
her. "Get out of my fucking face!" he yelled at her, 
starting the car and slamming the door shut.

She banged on the door, crying, "Ryan! I love you! Stop! 
We didn't do anything!" She leaned on the car.

His car jerked into reverse and she stumbled forward, 
nearly falling. "We didn't do anything!" she screamed, 
but it was no use. He turned around, angrily, and sped 
away.

Sobbing, she sank to the ground. "We didn't do 
anything!" she cried, grabbing the dirt and gravel in 
her fists. "I love you!" she whispered, the gravel 
digging into the bare skin of her shins, hurting her. 
She pushed down harder with her legs, making the pain 
stronger. She sobbed, her throat swelling larger, it 
seemed, with each one.

"Jen!" said Danny. "Come on, it's okay!" he told her, 
dragging her up. He had put his clothes on, and kept out 
of it as he watched them from her driveway. "It's okay!"

She shook her head. "He hates me!" she sobbed, as he 
pulled her back on her property. "Ryan *hates* me!"

"He doesn't! He's just mad!" Danny whispered, his arm 
around her.

"Yes he does!' she screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Shh!" he told her. But her parents had already been 
awakened, the door opening as her dad peered out, in his 
pajamas.

"What's going on?" he demanded.

Jen was still sobbing, unable to answer. Danny just 
shrugged.

"Jen, what is going on?"

They walked in through her front door, the heat 
encompassing them and the light shocking their eyes.

Jen pushed Danny away, covering her eyes with her 
forearm and crying.

"What happened? Why are you all dirty Jen?" her dad 
asked.

She sat on the couch, whimpering.

Her dad looked at Danny.

Danny shrugged. "Um, Ryan came over and I was in her 
bed, and he freaked out and he, um, is sort of upset and 
he thinks she cheated on him."

"Jen!" her dad said. "Danny should have been in the 
guest room. What was Ryan doing here in the middle of 
the night?"

"Dad, shut up!" she yelled at him. "Just shut up!" she 
whispered.

"We just sort of fell asleep," Danny offered. "We didn't 
do anything but he thinks we did."

Her dad tried to comfort her, rubbing her shoulder. 
"Honey, it will be okay."

She shook her head, and her mom came out, demanding to 
know what was happening.

"Ryan came over and Danny was sleeping her bed, and he 
thinks something happened between them. Nothing did, did 
it?" he asked Danny, who shook his head frantically.

"Oh, shit," said her mom, sitting down next to her on 
the couch and hugging her. "I know, but it will be 
okay."

Jen sobbed. "I love him, Mom," she whispered. "I love 
Ryan. Now he hates me!"

"No, I-I think he's just upset," said her mom, looking 
at her husband.

Jen kept crying, and her mom comforted her for awhile, 
until she stopped, her face sore.

"It'll be okay, hon," her mom told her. "When he calms 
down he'll listen to you."

Jen nodded. "I hope so," she whispered.

"It will be!" Danny said. "Come on Jenny Penny, smile!"

She gave him a weak smile.

"Aright. Don't worry about it. Maybe we should go back 
to bed," suggested her dad, tired.

"I can't sleep," mumbled Jen.

"Come on Jen, we can talk," said Danny. "Come on."

They went back to bed, her mom hugging her still and 
telling her it would be okay.

Jen lay back on her bed, staring at the bright light 
overhead. Danny lay next to her, trying to comfort her 
though he had no clue what to say.

"He's just mad," he told her. "If he didn't love you he 
wouldn't have left."

"I don't think he'll forgive me," she whispered.

"Jen, you didn't do anything wrong. What, did you tell 
him I kissed you?"

She sighed sadly. "Yeah... But he thinks *we* kissed 
each other, I think. I told him I said no."

"I'm so sorry Jen. It's all my fault."

"No, don't say that. It's not your fault," she muttered.

"Well, you know what? If it's not my fault -- and I 
*know* it's not your fault -- then excuse my saying so, 
but I think it's Ryan's fault!"

"No..." she murmured.

"Yes, I think it is!" he told her. "He is so damn quick 
to judge. I mean, he's a good guy and all," he added. 
"But he should have stayed and heard you out."

She nodded, still staring at the ceiling.

"I'm serious. I know it must have looked bad, but you're 
his girlfriend and he should trust you."

"No!" she told him. "It's not- you can't just blame 
Ryan!"

"I'm not *blaming* him blaming him! It's just that, if 
someone is at fault for the way you're feeling now, it's 
him! Because you didn't do anything wrong! Unless of 
course," he added. "It's my fault and you think so."

"No, Danny!" she sighed. "I guess... But, he was so 
upset," she murmured. "He was crying, Danny. He's never 
cried."

"Oh he's cried," Danny told her. "You just haven't seen 
him. But really? He was crying?"

She nodded. "Yeah..."

"Well, see, he must be really hurt and upset and 
everything. He's probably really hurting. See, if he 
didn't love you he wouldn't be so upset."

She nodded again, wiping her eyes. "I know..."

"Yeah? I know he does. It did look bad, but he'll calm 
down. He's just mad, and he'll realize what a dork he 
was and come crawling back."

"I don't want him to come crawling back," she whispered. 
"I just want him back." She started to cry again.

"Jen, he loves you. And you love him. If you didn't, I 
know you wouldn't have been able to resist charming old 
Danny, now huh?"

She smiled, then laughed. "Yeah, I do."

"And he knows it. And the thought of you with another 
guy really upsets him, so be happy that he cares so 
much. Even if he is being a dork."

She gave him another smile.

***

When she woke up she felt like crying again. Danny had 
to leave, and Dana wasn't home. She lay on her bed, 
miserable.

Her mom came in, bringing in her clean laundry. "How are 
you doing?" she asked.

Jen shrugged sadly.

Her mom sat down on the bed. "Did you guys break up?"

"I guess," she told her. "I don't know. Probably. I 
don't think he wants me anymore," she whispered, 
starting to cry.

"Oh honey," soothed her mom. "He's making a big mistake. 
He'll realize it. He'll say he's sorry."

Jen shrugged, then shook her head, still crying.

"I'm sure he was upset that he saw Danny with you in the 
middle of the night. It did look pretty bad, didn't it?"

Jen nodded.

"So he just stormed off. He'll realize it and come back 
to you, I'm sure. If he doesn't then he's losing out."

She didn't say anything.

"Why was he coming over here so late?"

She shrugged, her heart racing.

"He should call before he shows up at someone's house, 
especially in the middle of the night."

Facing away from her mom, Jen rolled her eyes. Her heart 
was still pounding in her ears. There was an awkward 
silence, and Jen knew her mom wasn't stupid. "Um, I 
think he came back early and just wanted to surprise 
me."

"Well he should have waited," she said. She paused. 
"Jen, exactly how serious are you two?"

"What do you mean?" Jen asked, playing dumb. "We love 
each other." Oh good answer Jen! she thought. It sets us 
up well.

"I mean, if he was coming over here in the middle of the 
night, he was sneaking over here, what, was he coming 
over to sleep with you?"

Jen didn't answer.

Her mom paused. "Jen, have you two had sex?" she asked.

"Mom," Jen groaned, exasperatingly. But she knew her mom 
wouldn't stop her questioning now.

"Jen, I have a right to know. What have you done?"

"Don't worry about it Mom," she muttered. "I'm not gonna 
get pregnant and I'm not gonna get any diseases."

"You are going to get pregnant!" her mother told her 
angrily. "You've slept with him, haven't you?"

"Yes, we have, okay?" And I have great fucking orgasms, 
she thought sarcastically.

Her mom didn't say anything. At that moment Jen didn't 
give a damn anymore about hiding it.

Finally her mom spoke. "We didn't raise you like that 
Jen."

"Oh, like what?" Jen snapped.

"Like this! Plus you're too young and immature to be 
having sex!"

"Oh, please! You always tell me I'm so mature. Now I'm 
too immature to do something. Make up your mind." Jen 
felt badly, she never spoke to her mom like that.

She didn't say anything, just looked at her laying 
daughter on the bed for a while. "Well," she said 
quietly. "Are you using birth control?"

Jen nodded. "Yeah, I'm on the pill."

Her mom's voice wavered as she spoke. "You should have 
told me that!" She burst into tears.

Jen groaned silently. She hated it when her mom cried. 
"Why?" she asked. "You would have just gotten mad. Like 
you're doing now! See, you don't understand."

"I do understand! You don't tell me something like 
this!"

"What exactly would it have helped?" she demanded 
sullenly.

Her mom just sniffled.

"Mom, it doesn't matter now, okay? We already did it. 
I'm not a slut, we were in love," her voice choked on 
those words "and we waited a long time, okay? I don't 
regret doing it one bit, alright?"

She continued to sniffle. "Well, it just makes me feel 
left out."

Jen looked over at her mom finally. "Do you *really* 
want to be involved with my sex life? I don't think you 
do, because I don't want to be involved in yours!"

Her mom didn't know what to say, and just looked down at 
her. Finally Jen started to cry again.

"That's the least of my problems right now," she sobbed. 
"Now he hates me!"

Her mom patted her on the back awkwardly, not knowing 
what to say.


-= Chapter 23 =-

By that night Jen had made up her mind to go see him. 
She got in her car, feeling like such a spoiled brat. 
After all, her parents gave her so much. She remembered 
when Ryan had taught her how to drive, and how 
frustrated they had both been, him especially. But he 
had still let her learn on his car, and had tried to be 
so patient with her.

But now she was scared to death, and she wanted to turn 
around and go back. What if he was sure he didn't want 
her? What if he never believed her?

She felt numb as she rang the doorbell. Usually she 
would have walked in, but now she was too nervous to. 
She looked around while she stood on the doorstep, 
staring at his car in the driveway. She heard voices, 
and then the door opened. Robby opened it.

"Come in," he said, as though she were retarded.

She came in slowly, looking around for Ryan.

"He's in his room," Robby told her, walking back to the 
living room.

She was left alone in the front hall, and she slowly 
walked towards his bedroom. She heard his stereo. She 
knocked on the door several times before she heard the 
music die down and Ryan loudly say, "Come in!"

She opened the door slowly and walked in. Ryan looked at 
her then looked away. She closed the door behind her as 
he turned his stereo back up.

"Please turn your stereo down," she told him underneath 
the loud music. He ignored her, and she repeated it. 
Finally she walked over to his stereo and turned it off. 
He still wouldn't look at her, just stared at the 
ceiling.

"Ryan," she said, her voice shaking. "If we have a 
relationship, you will listen to me."

He ignored her.

"You will listen to me, or else you will lose me. Is 
that what you want?"

His eyes met hers, but he didn't answer.

"I want to tell you what happened," she said, her voice 
slightly pleading.

"I don't want to know," he told her simply. "You cheated 
on me, and that's good enough for me."

"I didn't!"

"Yeah you did," he said disgustedly, looking away.

"I didn't! Ryan, I told you, nothing happened!"

"Oh, except you kissed him. You kissed Danny. That is 
cheating in my book, alright?"

"Ryan, why won't you listen to me?"

He shrugged. "Maybe I don't wanna. It's black and white, 
so it doesn't matter."

"Why?"

"Because you fucking cheated on me, alright? Now I don't 
want a girlfriend who cheats on me. That's fucking 
bullshit. I don't forgive that."

"Well you don't need to forgive me, because I did 
nothing wrong!"

He rolled his eyes, looking away again and staring at 
the wall.

"Ryan," she said gently, trying not to cry. "I love you. 
I would never cheat on you. Now what happened is that me 
and Danny were talking, and hanging out, okay? Are you 
listening?"

"No."

"Well listen!" she cried. He looked up. "We were hanging 
out, and he leaned in and kissed me. And I pulled away 
and said no."

He paused. "Well, why the hell was he in bed with you?"

"We didn't do anything. He just stayed over and I didn't 
really care if he slept in my room. 'Cause I wasn't 
gonna do anything with him."

"Well why did he kiss you?"

"I don't know! Because we were just sitting there, and 
it just happened. He felt really bad."

"Well, did you feel bad?" he asked sullenly. "Maybe you 
didn't. How long was this kiss, anyway?"

She sighed, hurt still. "It was fast! It wasn't a real 
kiss, not like a you kiss!" she told him, whining. 
"Here, you be me and I'll be Danny, and I'll show you!"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah?" he asked her. "I'll be 
you? Okay, here!" He spread his legs and lifted them up 
in the air.

Jen was horrified. She couldn't breathe, nor move as she 
stared at him. Her jaw had dropped, and her eyes filled 
with tears.

He didn't say anything else, just looked at her staring 
at him, his legs still like that. She turned away from 
him, her hand on her cheek as though he had hit her. She 
heard him stand up, but she didn't turn around.

"I was kidding Jen," she heard him say softly. "I was 
just kiddin'..." He touched her on the shoulder, telling 
her he didn't mean it.

She spun around, and pushed him away. Tears dripped down 
her cheeks. He came towards her again, trying to hug 
her, but she slapped his face.

"Fuck," he muttered, shocked, his hand to his cheek. He 
moved towards her again, and she jumped, flinching as 
she threw her arm in front of her face to protect 
herself.

He stared at her in disbelief, gulping. "No, Jen..." he 
whispered. He shook his head. "I wasn't going to hit 
you! No, I wasn't!"

She lowered her arm, staring at him as she backed away.

"No!" he told her. "No! I wasn't going to hit you! I 
would never hit you!" he pleaded. "Don't you believe 
me?"

"I hate you," she whispered, turning around and walking 
out.

"No," he whispered. "No, I wasn't!" he cried, going 
after her. She broke into a run as she got down the 
hall, and he chased her, catching up with her as she 
fumbled with the doorknob. "Jen, come on! I'm sorry, I'm 
sorry!" he begged, trying to hug her.

She struggled with him, trying to push him away, before 
she turned around and thrust her knee up into his groin.

"Ohhahhh!" he groaned, doubling over from the blow.

"Don't you fucking touch me!" she told him, shaking. He 
gasped, gritting his teeth from the pain. "Don't you 
ever fucking touch me again!"

She opened the door and ran out, slamming it in his 
face.

"Oh fuck," he gasped, knowing what he had done. "Shit!" 
He leaned against the door, and the tears started to 
fall. He sobbed, forcing himself to stand up.

"What did you do to her Ryan?" asked Robby from the 
kitchen, staring at him.

He shook his head, embarrassed that he was crying, and 
went back to his room, collapsing on his bed. He gasped 
as he cried, his pillow wet beneath his cheeks. He 
sobbed, and whispered over and over that he was sorry.

He hadn't meant to hurt her of course, he never did. He 
just let his anger and hurt get the best of him, like 
usual. He was so damn impetuous.

He had planned on calling her and saying he was sorry 
that he left her there, but that he had been upset, and 
that the situation looked bad anyway he looked at it. 
And then he planned on calmly telling her that he didn't 
think it was right for her ex-boyfriend to sleep in her 
bed. He had planned his speech all out. But then she had 
surprised him by coming over, and it just happened. He 
hadn't meant what he had done. No way did he think she 
was some sort of slut.

Ryan knew he had blown it big time. He prayed she would 
forgive him. He prayed to God she'd take him back.


-= Chapter 24 =-

Jen was laying in bed, asleep, when her answering 
machine went off. She hadn't heard it ring, and was 
barely aware of her voice announcing she wasn't home. It 
was dark, and she could see the red light of her 
machine.

"Babe I'm believin', I must be on my way. The time is 
drawing near..."

She began to cry, it was her and Ryan's song, an old 
song from the seventies.

"...The train is going, I see it in your eyes... the 
love, the pain, your tears..."

She sobbed into her pillow.

"But I'll be lonely without you... I need your love to 
see me through... So please believe me, my heart is in 
your hands, and I'll be missing you... Babe, I love 
you..."

She sat up, holding her pillow to her chest as she 
gulped for air.

"Because it's you babe, whenever I get lonely and I've 
had enough, feel like giving up..."

She picked up the phone, choking back sobs.

Ryan switched off the music. "I love you Jen. Why do I 
do this to you?" he whispered. "I love you, I'm sorry. 
Please forgive me, just this last time."

"Ryan, why? You think I'm a slut. I'm a fucking whore to 
you!"

"No, no! You're not! I don't, I don't think it at all. I 
didn't mean it. I don't know why I did that. I was just 
mad. Please, please know that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean 
it."

She didn't answer him, crying and still angry, but 
knowing deep down that she would forgive him. She loved 
him too much not to.

"I love you, I'm sorry I ever thought you cheated on me. 
I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that."

"You think I'm a slut," she repeated in a whisper.

"I don't! Jen, I don't! I love you, more than anything. 
I was just mad. Please?"

"I love you Ryan," she said, still sounding a bit angry. 
"I can't stay mad at you, you know that. So why do you 
do this? I never did anything with him!"

"I know that, I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm so sorry, 
I'm such an asshole. I don't deserve you. I abuse you."

"Ryan, you don't abuse me," Jen told him, muttering.

"I do," he whispered. "I don't hit you but I do. I 
abused you mentally by doing that. I saw it on a talk 
show, mental abuse."

"Oh Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. Don't even think that. 
You were just mad. Mental abuse is different, so don't 
even think that."

He didn't answer her.

"I think I saw that talk show too," she said, trying to 
make him feel better. "It was like, neo-nazis who abuse 
their wives mentally, and then they sleep with their 
best friend's parents or something..."

That made him laugh.

"See, I forgive you. Because I love you. And we didn't 
do anything, I swear we didn't," she persisted.

"I know," he sighed. "It just, you don't understand what 
it was like, this naked guy in your bed, when I come in 
to surprise you. I mean, Ohhh," he groaned.

"No, I understand I guess. I thought about what I would 
do if it would have been the other way around."

"I guess I was entitled to my anger. But I still was a 
jerk, what I said, and what I did," he added. "You're 
sure you're not pissed still?"

"I guess not. Maybe a little."

"I love you. I came home early to surprise you."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Come over now."

"Yeah? Okay, I'll be right over. I love you."

"I love you too."

They hung up, and she lay there on her bed again, each 
minute seeming an eternity. While she waited she thought 
what would happen if he never showed up, having been 
killed in an accident. Tears welled in her eyes at the 
thought, and she blinked them back. How could she not 
forgive him? She loved him so much. She knew he didn't 
abuse her mentally, and her heart ached that he thought 
so, knowing how sorry he was.

She angered at herself for letting Danny sleep in her 
bed. It was mean, to Danny, to Ryan, and to herself. She 
had been testing herself to prove how strong she was, 
but it was cruel for all involved she supposed. Danny 
had been wrong when he had said it was Ryan's fault that 
she was upset after he left. It was Jen's fault that 
night, not his. Ryan was at fault the next night, but 
the before had been Jen's.

She smiled when she heard his car, and her heart sped up 
when he knocked at her door. She hoped her parents were 
sound asleep. They hadn't said anything else about her 
sexual activities, and she hoped they would stay out of 
it.

She let him in, and he held out a big bouquet of flowers 
for her. She hugged him tightly, so happy that he was 
here.

"Thank you," she whispered, putting the flowers in her 
vase.

He sat on her bed, rubbing his eyes.

"School tomorrow," she sighed.

He nodded. "I know. Why do I do this to you Jen?"

"Ryan!" she sighed. "Stop it. I forgive you. I do."

"I shouldn't have done that. No way," he told her, 
staring at the floor.

"Ohhh," she whispered, pulling him to her on the bed. "I 
know. I forgive you, aright? That's what relationships 
are about, forgiveness and compromise and you know."

He nodded, starting to cry. He broke down in front of 
her for the first time, and he sobbed in her arms.

"Don't cry!" she told him, amazed once again that he was 
crying.

"You hate me Jen?" he whispered.

"No, I don't! I could never hate you, hon. I just said 
that 'cause I was mad. I'm not perfect. We're not 
perfect, but we just have to keep trying." She hugged 
him tighter.

He nodded again, and wiped his eyes. "Yeah, that's what 
my parents say, that you have to work at relationships."

"Your family is so perfect."

"Nah," he sniffled. "They're not really, you know that. 
They fight."

She shrugged.

"Really, you've seen 'em!" he said. "But we don't fight 
that much," he added suddenly, trying to comfort 
himself, and her.

She shook her head, smiling at him. "We hardly ever 
fight. We've only had a couple of big ones."

"Yeah, I guess that's like my parents, we are. They get 
along great, they love each other of course, but when 
they don't, look out!"

"Yeah, that's us. I guess we get cruel sometimes," she 
said quietly.

"I do, you mean."

"No, I do too! I've said mean stuff to you before. 
Remember?"

He shrugged. "But I still love you."

"I love you too," she said, kissing him, feeling so 
happy. They lay on her bed, just kissing for awhile.

"So, am I a better kisser than Danny?" he teased.

She laughed, happy that he could joke about it. "Oh, 
much better. Much, much better."

"Good. You're a much better kisser than Danny, too!"

She burst out laughing, so happy that everything had 
worked out. She tickled him and he tickled her back.

A knock came at her door, and she jumped. Ryan looked 
startled as the door opened and her mom peered in.

Ryan sat up, and her mom didn't seem too surprised to 
see him. "Jen, you didn't wake me up, but can you please 
keep it down? I heard you guys laughing down the hall."

"Sure, sorry," Jen told her mom.

"Aright, good-night."

Ryan looked amazed as the door closed. "Uh, doesn't your 
mom care that I'm here so late?"

Jen shrugged, relieved, but just as surprised as him. "I 
guess not. She knows we've done it by the way."

"Really? You told her?"

"Yeah, she asked. I had to. She got upset, but I guess 
she figures they can't stop us. Wow..."

He kissed her. "They know we're in love."

"Right. Wow, I still thought she'd throw you out though. 
But I love you," she murmured.

They kissed again, holding each other tightly before and 
after she turned out the light.


-= Chapter 25 =-

Her parents loved Ryan of course, although they made it 
clear they would prefer it if they didn't have sex. But 
they knew, although they weren't particularly liberal, 
that she was going to do it anyway, and trying to stop 
her would be useless.

For the holidays senior year, he took her into the city. 
They went on a cruise around the water, eating dinner on 
the ferry. They were the youngest ones on the boat, and 
it was filled with happy couples, some who'd obviously 
been together a long time. They slow danced, holding 
each other tightly on the small dance floor.

Then they went to the opera, seeing Les Miserables. It 
was incredible. And she was laughing the whole time, at 
all Ryan's jokes. Being with him was the best part of 
the play.

They were so in love, it was so perfect. Too good to be 
true? But it was true, she thought. This *is* real.

Even the hotel was perfect. It was a fancy one too, 
although that didn't matter. But the night was perfect.

"I love you so much," she whispered, in tears, when he 
took her into his arms. "I do!"

"Hey," he told her gently. "I love you too. I love you 
Jen. If I didn't have you I'd be dead."

She kissed him, standing on her tip toes to do it. He 
kissed her back, hugging her so tightly. As one, they 
dragged themselves back onto the bed, where they lay, 
kissing and touching each other.

She climbed on him, licking his ears and his neck. She 
unbuttoned his shirt, running her hands over his strong 
chest. His hands slid up her thighs, pushing her hem up 
to her hips. She ground her hips into him, gasping from 
the sensations, even through all the layers of clothes. 
She led his hands to her back, where he unzipped her 
dress. Rolling off him, she slid it down, past her hips. 
He stared at her, in a red satin teddy. She climbed over 
him, pausing to kiss him, and stood back up. She dimmed 
the lights, then got a bottle out of her bag.

"What's that?" he asked, smiling.

"Body lotion," she told him. "Edible body lotion..."

He grinned at her, and she climbed back onto the bed. 
She stripped him, pulling his pants off to reveal his 
hard swollen cock, which pointed to his head. She 
gripped him, fondling him and making him gasp. She 
climbed back on him, the soft satin of her teddy rubbing 
against him. He gasped again, the sensation so 
incredible. She kissed him over and over, then poured 
some of the sweet smelling liquid onto his chest. She 
rubbed it into his skin, sensually covering every inch 
of his upper body.

She climbed off, pulling him onto his stomach. She 
massaged his shoulders, and his back, as he let out his 
breath, relaxing so much. He consented to just being 
worked on, letting her rub his body for a long time.

Her hands traveled lower, massaging the oil into his ass 
and thighs. He tensed up a bit as her saturated 
fingertips slid between his buttocks. They lingered 
there, something they'd never talked about nor done. She 
probed him, one finger slipping up inside him just the 
smallest bit. Her other hand rubbed his back, and he 
relaxed, enjoying the sensation. Her finger pressed 
down, stimulating his prostate. He almost came right 
then, gasping loudly. He moaned, but tensed up again, 
and she removed it.

Her hand slipped lower, between his spread thighs, 
delicately smoothing the oil into his sack. Then she 
worked lower, massaging his calves and even his feet. 
Her fingers slipped under him, spreading the oil onto 
the front of his legs. He wanted to fuck her, he was so 
close to cumming, but he just laid there, trying not to.

Then she began with her mouth, and he squeezed his eyes 
shut as goose bumps ran across his body, despite the 
warmth of the room. He felt the wetness, and the soft 
flicking and licking of her tongue as it traveled down 
his spine. She came back up, sucking his ears and the 
back of his neck. He tried to turn over then, begging 
her to please, make him cum. But she didn't let him, 
whispering in his ear, "Not yet..." while she still sat 
on his legs.

She climbed off and licked him all over, running her 
tongue over his legs and his hips. Finally she let him 
roll on his back, and he gripped his pulsating cock, 
ready to aim it into her.

But she just smiled, and instead went down, kissing his 
chest and licking up all the lotion she had put on him. 
He breathed so hard, rapidly. He groaned in frustration, 
as her mouth traveled downward, and downward past his 
aching groin to his thighs. She licked his thighs, and 
his knees, his slight leg hair sticking to him with the 
oil. He slid downward, desperately trying to get his 
dick to her mouth. But she went downward too, teasing, 
to the end of the king sized bed, and still kept kissing 
his calves. His heart pounding in his ears, he begged 
her, please.

She looked at him, lying there so desperate. She crawled 
up to him, and crouched over him, kissing him. His hands 
fumbled underneath her, trying to push aside her teddy 
so he could get in. He pulled it down off her shoulders, 
groping her breasts while he searched for the entrance.

But she crawled off him again, instead attacking his 
dick with her mouth while he gasped. She swallowed him 
whole, taking the whole thing past her lips. He sat up 
on his elbows, groaning, his eyes squeezed shut.

She sucked him, hard, up and down. He yelled, holding 
her head while he thrust up into her. Moaning, he 
exploded in her mouth, down her throat. He shot what 
seemed like gallons of sperm, his body convulsing with 
each spurt. Gasping, he collapsed back on the bed, still 
slightly thrusting into her mouth as the last drops were 
drained from him.

Ryan lay there, eyes closed, breathing hard. He finally 
looked up at her, staring at him, and sat up. He pulled 
her down to the bed, staring down at her body, still 
halfway covered by the teddy. He slid it off her, and 
she lay there, naked as him. He grabbed the bottle, and 
she smiled at him, sighing in pleasure.

He went to work on her, pouring the oil all over his 
palms and then rubbing them over her body, massaging it 
into her breasts. They went all over her body, until she 
was covered in the sweet oil. Her breathing became 
faster, more rapid, while she stared up at him. He 
licked the edible lotion off her, the tip of his nose 
dragging along her skin. Then he buried his head between 
her thighs, lapping her juices up and probing her folds. 
She moaned, gasping. He licked her clit, and all around 
it until she was on the brink of cumming.

Her fingers ran through his hair, while she moaned 
again. His hands under her ass, he lifted it up, pushing 
her to his mouth. She cried out, his slippery tongue 
flicking inside her. Her legs went over his shoulders, 
squeezing his head between them. He sucked her clit, 
harder and harder, and she cried out again, shrieking 
his name and that she wanted him to fuck her. He wasn't 
much good at teasing her, doing so would prolong his own 
pleasure.

Instead he climbed on her, sliding up into her dripping 
hole. He lay on her, pumping and laboring between her 
thighs. He sat up on his knees, still thrusting, her 
hips off the bed. Her legs wrapped around his hips and 
he fingered her, rubbing her clit while he rammed into 
her. She gasped, throwing her head back. She thrust back 
at him, her vision blurry as she came. She cried out, 
over and over. He kept at it, groaning from the 
sensations of her vagina clenching him so tightly. He 
fell back onto her, grunting as he continued to fuck 
her.

Just as he was beginning to get tired, supporting 
himself above her, she pushed him on his back. She 
straddled him, grinding herself into him. Then she 
leaned back, and brought her legs in front of her, past 
his shoulders. He rubbed her knees and thighs in front 
of him, then, using his knuckles, he ground into her 
clit. He'd never done that before, and the sensation was 
incredible. Pleasure shot through her body and she 
climaxed again, shrieking his name and "Oh God!" over 
and over.

She climbed off of him, laying next to him. He took a 
break himself, trying to avoid cumming yet. He licked 
her nipples instead, kissing her while she held him 
tightly. He kissed her for so long, his erection 
softened just a bit. She leaned over, taking him in her 
mouth again until he was hard as steel again. She turned 
onto her side, away from him. He entered her again, 
thrusting slowly, then faster, and faster, then slowly 
again, driving her wild while his fingers strummed her 
clit. Over and over he brought himself to the brink, 
then stopped himself, still giving her climax after 
sweet climax.

Finally, he kept going, thrusting into her from behind 
while she lay next to him. He yelled, pumping his hips 
as fast as he could. He came high into her, and she 
groaned when she felt it. He kept thrusting, getting 
every last bit of pleasure from his orgasm, while he 
gasped, and moaned. He fucked her until he went soft, 
spent and drained. They both lay there in the dim light, 
trying to catch their breath.

His head rested on her shoulder, and she twisted around 
to face him.

"I love you," she said, kissing him.

He nodded, saying, "I love you too. 'Now and 
forever'..." he told her, quoting the engraving on her 
ring.

They had fallen asleep like that, his sweaty chest 
against her back. When they woke up they hadn't moved.


-= Chapter 26 =-

(Matt's flashbacks... )

Matt lay in bed, feeling happy and yet miserable. His 
mom had let him stay home from school fortunately. He 
couldn't help but feel miserable, considering his 
appearance and how much he hurt. He hurt physically, but 
also emotionally. But he was happy too, happy that Jen 
didn't hate him and that he'd talked to her. He wondered 
if he could really call her. He considered calling her 
and not saying anything, or hanging up, just to see if 
she was there and to hear her voice. He'd done it 
before. But he always felt like a dork afterwards. He 
thought about every single time he had seen her...

He'd loved her instantly. He couldn't help it, he 
supposed, his hormones were out of control. She'd 
treated him well all year he guessed, and he had always 
had a glimmer of hope that she liked him whenever she 
would smile at him, or talk to him. He fantasized that 
she really liked him, and not Ryan.

He first saw her the week before school started. He was 
on the football team, and practice started two weeks 
before school. He got to know this guy Mike, who he'd 
known before but never was really friends with, pretty 
well. Mike invited him home after practice one afternoon 
to get something to eat and hang out.

He had a cool house, and they played video games in his 
room and talked about stuff. They heard some people come 
running up the stairs.

"My sister," Mike explained. "Probably Jen, too."

"How old's your sister?" Matt had asked.

"Oh, she's seventeen. Jen's still sixteen I think. Yeah, 
her birthday's in October."

"Are they seniors?"

"Yeah."

"Are they hot?" asked Matt, his mind always on girls. He 
figured now that he was in high school he ought to be 
getting laid all the time.

"Man, shut up! That's my sister!" Mike exclaimed. "Jen's 
pretty hot though," he added.

"Cool."

Mike paused. "Have you ever done it?"

Matt paused too, thinking whether he should lie and say 
he had or not.

"Me neither," said Mike.

Matt smiled too. "Well, I guess I will pretty soon. I 
want to anyway!"

"Well, duh! Of course."

It was getting really late; Matt called his mom to tell 
her where he was, but she wasn't home. He was supposed 
to be home awhile ago though.

"My mom can give you a ride home when she gets home. 
Probably in like an hour or so."

"Oh."

"We can asked my sister though. She might say yes."

"Okay," agreed Matt enthusiastically.

They knocked on her door. They heard voices and music.

"Come in!" called a female voice.

Mike pushed the door open and walked in, Matt trailing 
after him.

One girl, Mike's sister Matt assumed, as she had the 
same white-blond hair, lay on the bed. Another girl 
stood in front of the closet, which had a mirrored door. 
Oh my God, thought Matt.

The other girl, (was Jen her name?) was trying on 
clothes apparently, as they were all over the room. She 
was only wearing a skimpy bikini, and she was 
unbelievably tan. She wasn't really tall, but she was 
incredibly built. Her chest filled out the bikini top. 
Her brown hair hung in waves down her back. He saw her 
face in the mirror, and she was beautiful, he thought.

He took all this in, in about two seconds, and that's 
all the time it took it seemed for the blood to flow and 
his dick to get hard in his pants. He stared at her 
while Mike asked his sister if she could drive Matt 
home.

Jen turned around, and smiled at the boys in the 
doorway. Matt blushed, looking away for a second.

His sister, Dana, made a face. "Where do you live?" she 
asked Matt.

Matt was staring again at the other girl, who was 
turning around and looking at herself in the mirror. 
Mike poked him.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Where do you live?" he asked.

Matt told her.

"Oh, that's right by Jen's house," his sister said.

Jen turned around again and looked at him. He blushed 
again.

"Yeah, I'm going home soon. I can take you home if you 
want. Can you wait a few minutes?" she asked him.

He nodded eagerly. "Yeah, that's fine," he said, trying 
to act cool. "Thanks," he added.

"No problem," she told him, giving him a smile. "God, I 
hope I don't lose my tan soon," she said to Dana.

"Don't worry about it," she said. "God, Jen, you're *so* 
skinny!"

"No I'm not!" said Jen. "I think I gained too much 
weight this summer. This bathing suit was looser on me 
when I tried it on in the beginning of the summer."

"Oh, it's still loose though. God, you're a twig!"

Jen rolled her eyes. Mike and Matt still stood in the 
doorway, looking at her.

"Oh you're *so* fat Jen," whined Mike, teasing her. 
"You're just a whale!"

"Screw you!" laughed Jen.

"No, I think you have a nice body," said Matt honestly.

She turned and looked at him again, her smile making his 
heart race. "Thanks," she said.

"Nuh huh, Matt. Jen's a fat pig," insisted Mike.

She rolled her eyes at him. She turned around and put 
her bra on, over her bikini top. She hooked it up, then 
undid her bikini and pulled it out from under the bra. 
Matt stared at her while she pulled a T-shirt on, a long 
one that went past her hips to her thighs. She pulled 
down the bikini bottoms, kicking them off and then 
pulling on some peach colored panties. Matt tried to 
imagine what she would look like without the T-shirt, so 
he could see her between her legs. He'd never seen a 
real naked girl, except for his little sisters, but he 
supposed that didn't count.

She pulled on some jeans shorts, and he stared at her 
buttoning them up while Mike and his sister talked about 
something. She didn't seem to even notice he was 
watching her. Matt wondered if he could get dressed like 
that in front of a girl he didn't even know. He doubted 
he could get dressed in front of a girl he *did* know.

She sat down on the bed, flipping through a stack of 
pictures that lay there.

"When are you going home?" asked Mike.

She looked up. "Oh, like ten minutes. That okay or do 
you need to leave now?" She looked at Matt.

He gulped. "Nah, ten minutes is fine. I don't have to 
leave *right* away," he added.

She continued looking at the pictures. She lay back and 
laughed over one with Dana.

Mike pulled on him, and they left, closing the door 
behind them. They walked down the hall to Mike's room.

"Man, doesn't that give you a woody?" asked Mike.

"Oh man..." Matt groaned. "Damn! I was hoping she'd take 
her clothes all off. What's her name, Jen?"

"Yeah, that's Jen. She's been best friends with my 
sister, like forever. She slept in my bed once," he 
bragged.

"She did? Were you in it too?" Matt asked, jealous.

Mike laughed. "No. I wish! She was drunk and she just 
came in and passed out. I had to sleep in the guest 
room."

"Wow. Cool," he said, impressed. He felt cool himself, 
that she was going to bring him home. What could they 
talk about?

"Yeah, me and her are friends too," added Mike.

"Oh yeah?" asked Matt, wistfully.

"Yeah. She's *really* nice," he said.

Finally he heard her calling Mike in the hall. Mike 
nodded at Matt, "Get your bag."

Matt grabbed his things and followed him out there, 
trying to act casual. She was still talking to Dana, 
saying that she'd call her later. She looked at Matt. 
"Ready to go?" she asked.

He followed her down the stairs, while Mike said he'd 
see him tomorrow at practice. Matt prayed he didn't 
stink too badly, or that she wouldn't notice if he did. 
No one ever took showers at school, but he wished he had 
for once.

They went out into the summer evening. She had a cool 
car too, a Jeep, one of the new kinds.

"My car's really messy," she explained. "Sorry."

"No, it's not. It's cool."

"Thanks. So what's your name again?" she asked, starting 
the car.

"Oh, Matt."

"Are you a freshman?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"I thought so. I mean, I've never seen you before."

His heart raced. Did that mean she wanted to see him 
again? Or that she would have noticed him if she had?

"What position do you play?" she asked.

"Huh? Oh, quarterback," he told her.

"Really?" she asked. "My boyfriend's quarterback too!"

His heart sank. He might have guessed she had a 
boyfriend. "Oh yeah?' he asked half-heartedly.

"Yeah."

He felt pretty cool though; he'd never been driven 
anywhere by someone who wasn't an adult. Plus she was 
hot. Would he see her at school? They sat in silence for 
awhile.

"Are you looking forward to high school?" she asked, 
trying to make conversation.

"Yeah! Eighth grade was lame," he said. "It'll be cool."

She smiled. "This your street?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's a while down though," he said, wishing he 
could think of something cool to say. He wondered about 
her boyfriend, he wondered if they has sex. He tried to 
picture her having sex. He wondered if she was going to 
go out with him tonight.

"So, what are you doing this weekend?" he asked. Oh, 
shit! he thought. It's sounds like I'm coming on to her!

"Oh, I don't know. Probably not much," she said. "I 
still have to get my school supplies. Echh! I hate 
school."

"Yeah, me too!" he said. "It's that one there," he 
pointed out regretfully.

She pulled over, and smiled at him. "Well, it was nice 
meeting you," she told him.

"Yeah! Nice meeting you too! Thanks for the ride," he 
added.

"Oh, no problem! I'll see you around school probably!"

"Yeah, see you around," he said casually, closing the 
door. He walked coolly into the house as she drove off.

He dropped his bag on the floor, then went up the 
stairs. He went into the bathroom, peeling off his 
sweaty shirt and looking at himself in the mirror. He 
flexed his muscles. He was much bigger than other guys 
his age, he thought. He didn't have any hair on his 
chest. Was he supposed to? He didn't know.

He kicked off his shoes and shorts, turning on the 
shower. He shivered in the draft, then he sighed in 
relief as the spray of hot water hit him. His dick had 
softened, but the need was still there. He washed his 
whole body, thinking about her.

He thought about when she drove him home. Instead of 
saying it was nice to meet him, she could have put her 
arm around him, and looked him deep in the eyes. She 
could have kissed him, then said, "Matt, I want you." He 
tried to imagine her unzipping his fly and leaning over 
in the car, sucking his dick.

He rubbed himself, squirting some conditioner onto his 
palm and using that as a lube. He closed his eyes and 
rubbed faster, remembering her in the bikini, more than 
half naked. It wasn't hard to picture her completely 
naked. One hand gripped his balls, while the other was a 
blur, rubbing the head of his dick faster and faster. He 
tried to imagine himself on her, fucking her with 
everything he had.

Soon he let out a cry, muffled under the spray of the 
shower, as he jerked, shooting cum everywhere. He 
gasped, and groaned, as his knees felt weak, and he 
thrust his hips forward.

"Shit!" he gasped.

He felt ashamed immediately, he always did. Then he felt 
sad, and lonely.

***

With the excitement of the first day of school, he 
forgot about her. He had English and Biology with Mike, 
and he was hoping they'd be friends. There were so many 
new kids he didn't know, a lot of pretty girls too. His 
middle school had been mostly white but now it was 
really mixed.

But he saw her the second day of school, in the library 
when he went to get his books. She was in there too; he 
saw her immediately, laughing with some other seniors. 
He wanted to go up to her but he couldn't; he was only a 
freshman besides.

He walked by her nervously, heading toward the door. He 
paused, turning around and looking exasperated, like he 
was waiting for someone really slow. He tried to act 
casual again, stretching and yawning. She looked at him, 
and his heart raced. She was eating an apple, but she 
smiled and waved at him, and he smiled back.

He fantasized in class about her. What if he saw her 
every day, or went out to lunch with her? He wished he 
had a car, or his friends did, so he could hang out in 
the parking lot. He wanted to find out more about her 
from Mike. He thought Mike was pretty cool.

He was glad when they became friends, and he ate lunch 
with him on the lawn every day. They always talked about 
girls, but he didn't want to be obvious about liking 
Jen, so he couldn't just bring her up out of the blue. 
But he did anyway sometimes.

"Oh, I saw that girl that was at your house you know. 
The one that drove me home. What was her name again?" he 
asked casually one day, even though he knew.

"Huh? Who, Jen? Jen," he told him.

"Yeah, that's right. Um, is her boyfriend Scott Alberg?"

"Alberg? The quarterback? No, Ryan's her boyfriend. He 
goes to Woodland. He's their quarterback. Why?"

"Oh, because she said something about her boyfriend 
being the quarterback and I thought maybe she was going 
out with Alberg."

"Oh, no."

He knew he didn't have much of a chance with her, deep 
down, but he wished he could just hang out with her. He 
was disappointed with his social life, he didn't go out 
much last year. He figured nobody but him stayed home on 
Friday and Saturday nights. He wondered what she did for 
fun. Probably get drunk and stoned, he thought. He'd 
never done either although he wasn't against it. He just 
hadn't. He wondered if she was a virgin. Probably not, 
he figured, jealous.

She had the same math teacher as him, the period before 
his. Sometimes she would stay behind and talk to people, 
or the teacher, and he would see her though they never 
talked. Usually she was gone by the time he got to the 
room though. He never knew where she sat, but one day he 
saw the seating chart for all the classes. There was her 
name, Jen Halleran. She sat one seat in front of him. He 
considered writing, "I love u" on the desk, but only 
briefly. If she knew he liked her she'd probably never 
talk to him again, or maybe make fun of him.

Thursdays after school were the days students could make 
up tests if they'd been sick. He'd missed one, and one 
day he came in and she was sitting down, talking to this 
guy. His heart raced. The teacher wasn't there yet. He 
squeezed past her, saying "Excuse me" as though he was 
annoyed. She looked up, and smiled at him, saying hi.

"Hi," he responded. He got out his books and tried to 
look busy.

She continued talking to the guy, this really skinny guy 
with a baseball cap on. Matt wondered if she liked him. 
Maybe she'd broken up with her boyfriend. But they were 
talking about him.

"I mean," she was saying. "We've been to six Homecomings 
so far."

"Oh yeah, huh," the guy answered. "But you're still 
gonna go to both this year?"

"Yeah. I'll have to get two new dresses," she 
complained.

He laughed. "I haven't seen him since like, August. 
Remember that pool party in the Oaks?"

"Oh yeah. Well he's the same. Except he has the 
sniffles!" she cooed.

He laughed. "He has 'the sniffles'?"

"Yeah! He's sick," she stuck out her lower lip.

"Oh, poor baby. I guess you can't kiss him now."

"Oh, well too bad. I kiss him anyway," she laughed.

"My little brother's on his little brother's soccer 
team," the guy said.

"Really? Which one? Will or Robby?"

"Will I think. He's like 9."

She smiled. "Yeah, that's Will. He's the cutest I swear. 
He's so cute."

"He looks just like Ryan. I swear, he *is* Ryan."

"I know! He does! He's the sweetest little boy."

"Robby looks like him too, but not as much."

"Yeah, he does a little bit. He sounds like him now. His 
voice is totally changing. I call and he answers and I'm 
like 'Ryan?' and he's like, 'No, it's Robby,'" she said 
in a low voice. "He's grown so much."

"Yeah, total growth spurt."

"He is *so* perverted. I mean, he's like, Hyperpuberty 
Boy."

The guy laughed. "How old's he?"

"Like thirteen. He's in seventh. I think he's twelve 
actually. Anyway, one time I stayed there and watched 
them this summer while Ryan and his parents went down to 
look at colleges. And you would not believe how 
disgusting he is, Brian."

"Why? What did he do?"

"Well, he's like asking me all these questions," she 
said, looking over at Matt, the only person around them, 
to see if he was listening. She didn't think he was. 
"He's like, 'Do you fuck my brother? Do you suck his 
dick?'" she whispered.

Brian snorted.

"Shut up," she said, tossing her head. "Anyway, he goes, 
'How do I get a girl to suck my dick? Will you suck my 
dick?'"

"He asked you to suck his dick?" asked Brian, surprised.

"Yes! I was gonna slap him, I swear."

"Damn! Whatta little pervert. Did you tell Ryan?"

"Yeah. He beat him up," she laughed. "But actually I 
just told him to talk to him, because he was really 
confused and stuff. So he did. I guess all the girls at 
his school thought he was a pervert too."

"He is! Ryan's a pervert too, though. Don't you think?" 
he laughed.

"Well, sure. He's a pervert too. But that's different," 
she smiled.

"Yeah, 'cause you like him being a pervert."

"Yeah! But anyway, Will! He's so cute. He's like," she 
whispered, "'Do you know what S-E-X is? Have you done S-
E-X?'"

"He's a little skater now, huh?"

"Yeah. He thinks he is anyway. He shaved his head! And 
he wears all the baggy clothes, and skates to school. He 
thinks he's cool. But he is a cool kid. He's gonna be so 
hot when he grows up. Oh my gosh, you know what he 
said?"

"Huh? 'Will you do S-E-X with me?'" he joked.

"No!" she laughed. "It was *so* sad. I like, cry 
thinking about it. One time like last summer, hey you 
better not tell your brother this okay? Will'll kill 
me."

"Sure. My brother's a dork."

"Anyway, I was at his house one Sunday morning and he 
was really quiet, you know? And his mom kept asking him 
what the matter was. And so we're all sitting there, and 
he like whispers, 'How come when I wake up I feel like I 
have a bone in my dick?'"

Brian burst out laughing, and Matt tried to conceal his 
own laughter.

"And so we're all sitting there staring at him for a 
second, in shock you know, and he starts to cry and he 
says, 'I think I have *cancer*!'"

Brian continued laughing. "Oh man! Boner!"

"That's what Robby said. He's all shouting, 'Boner! 
Boner!' at him. So Ryan and his dad had to tell him what 
was up."

"Literally!" he laughed.

She burst into laughter. "It was so cute!" she 
remembered.

Another guy came in, and he sat next to her, pulling her 
hair. "What's up?" he said.

"Nothin'. We're just talking about Ryan's little 
brothers," she told him.

"Oh yeah! They are exactly like Ryan. They *are* him."

They laughed. "That's what we were talking about," Brian 
said.

She got up to throw her gum away.

"They're just like Ryan," repeated the other guy. Matt 
thought his name was Jeff. He laughed. "They're gonna be 
gettin' laid every night too when they're his age!"

Brian laughed.

"I heard that!" she exclaimed, sitting back down.

"I swear, you guys are just like rabbits."

"We are not!" she exclaimed.

"Yuh huh! I know you are. That's cool," said Jeff. "He's 
so full of it though."

"Why? Why do you say that?"

"I mean, he's like 'I'm the best,'" he told her.

"He's the best? What, you mean, in bed?" she asked. 
"What's he say?"

"Oh," he laughed. "He's always like, 'I'm the best, I 
have the best mouth, she's always so satisfied, I'm the 
greatest...' That sorta stuff!"

She laughed. "Yeah, sounds like Ryan."

"Is it true?"

She smiled. "He's a good boy."

They groaned. "Oh! I see. He's a good boy is he?" said 
Brian. "I suppose you're the one that tells him he's the 
best!"

She giggled. "Well, of course! Guys need compliments. 
No, but he is very good," she said seriously. They 
rolled their eyes. Matt felt a pain in his stomach.

"He said he did it six times in one night," scoffed 
Brian. "I don't think so."

"Six times?!? Yeah right. No guy can do it six times!" 
said Jeff.

"No! He did I swear," she protested.

"Bull fucking shit," said Jeff.

"No, I made him."

They laughed. Matt was finding this quite interesting.

She rubbed her eyes, remembering. "We got in a huge 
fight that night," she said, not smiling.

"Oh yeah? No guy can do it six times in one night. Maybe 
three or four. What was the time frame?" he asked.

"Um... Like, from like nine o'clock to maybe three in 
the morning."

"Maybe..." conceded Brian.

"No really! I was really drunk, and God, I don't know 
what my problem was. Anyway, the first time I was like, 
'Let's do it!' and he was like, 'YEAAAHHH!!!'" she said 
enthusiastically. "Then I was like, "Let's do it again,' 
like right after, and he's like, 'Yeahhh!!!' And then I 
was like, 'Again!' and he was like 'Aright...' And then 
awhile later I was like, 'Again! Again!' And so he was 
like, 'Awhhh!'" she groaned. "'Yeah, okay.' And then I 
was like, 'More! More!' I mean, I was waiting awhile. 
But then anyway, so he's like, 'No! Well, okay. Wait a 
few more minutes.'"

"'And suck my dick,'" interrupted Brian.

"Shut up!" she told him. "And then after that one, he 
was really tired, yeah, it was really late, and I was 
still going, 'More! More! More!'" the guys laughed "and 
he was like, 'No, okay? I can't do it again! Haven't you 
had enough?!?' And so I kept bugging him, and he kept 
saying no. And then I got mad, or I was just pretending 
to be mad, and I like turned around and faced the wall 
and wouldn't talk to him. And he's like, 'Jen! God, I 
can't do it! I'm tired! I *don't have any left!*'"

They laughed again.

"And I tell him he could at least try, and he's like, 
'There's no point! I canNOT do it *six* times in one 
night, okay!'"

"Right," Jeff nodded.

"So I say," she cringed, "'you would if you loved 
me...'"

The guys groaned, reeling from her words. "No! I can't 
believe you said that!" exclaimed Jeff. "Ooooooooo..." 
he groaned.

"Goddamn!" groaned Brian. "That was *not* cool."

She nodded in agreement. "I was kidding! Really. Yeah, 
he got *so* pissed. He like jumped out of bed and 
started yelling at me."

"Did you cry?"

"Yeah! I always cry whenever he yells at me. I can't 
help it! Anyway, he was really pissed and he was like 
screaming at me and he was about to throw me out of *my* 
house, and I was just sitting there crying, going 'Ry! 
That's not what I meant! I meant you would at least 
*try*!'

"Ooo, big difference," said Jeff.

"Well, anyway, so he was also really pissed because he 
thought I was on XTC, because once I said I wanted to do 
it, and you know how it makes you really horny? Well he 
told me he wouldn't let me do it, which was cool, but 
anyway he was totally convinced I was on it. It took me 
like an hour of him screaming and me crying to convince 
him I wasn't on it. But he was so mad, he was like, 'I 
don't have sex with you to show you I love you. I do 
other things to show you I love you.' Totally making me 
feel bad. And then, anyway, we made up and we did it 
again."

They laughed. "Awright," said Jeff. "Okay, *maybe* six 
times in one night."

They looked over at Matt, who was staring at Jen, and 
laughed. He'd been listening of course, but it was still 
funny.

"But he doesn't talk about what we do, does he?" she 
asked seriously.

"Well," said Jeff. "Not really. But he does talk about 
you a lot."

"Really? What does he say about me to his friends? He's 
different sometimes, when he's around his friends. Not 
you guys, or Josh or Corey, but his football friends 
that I don't know."

"Really? I don't know, I don't know them. Oh, well, I 
mean, we all know he worships you. You're like, a 
Goddess."

She laughed. "Really?"

"Yeah!" laughed Brian. "I swear, it's like, all his 
friends are his little army, and our mission is 'Protect 
Jen.'""Shut up!" she laughed.

"No really. You better marry that boy, I swear."

"Yeah, we will. If I got pregnant we'd get married now," 
she told them.

"Oh yeah? Well, anyway, he talks about you a lot. If 
we're over and he calls you, and you're not there, then 
he gets like, sad and stuff."

"Really?" she asked. "Awwwwh..."

"Yeah, and you know what," said Brian. "Josh told me 
that one time, I guess all three of you were all over at 
his house, and you had to leave or something?"

She shrugged. "I guess I remember."

"Well, anyway, he said that after you left, Ryan's all, 
'You know that girl that just left? The one with the 
brown hair and beautiful blue eyes?' And Josh was like, 
'Uh, yeah? You mean, Jen?' And Ryan goes, 'I'm gonna 
marry that girl.'"

"Really?" she asked again, her face lighting up. "Ohh!"

They laughed, and the teacher came in.

Matt stored all this information away. It was a bundle. 
He was impressed that she had sex. Of course he was 
jealous, too, of her boyfriend. God, he couldn't imagine 
yelling at her. Even if she was being bitchy. But he 
obviously loved her. He fantasized that he was her 
boyfriend.

***

Whenever Matt saw her his heart raced. And then she was 
always gone, into the classroom, or the parking lot, as 
fast as she had appeared, she was gone. He had hung out 
at Mike's a lot, but she was never there.

One night he went over to his house, to work on their 
biology project. It was due the next day, and they'd 
both been slacking off. They had their notes, but still 
had to write the paper. He was in a bad mood, because 
Mike kept promising to work on his part, but he never 
did. It was already eight o'clock.

"We'll write it in my sister's room," said Mike, as they 
ran up the stairs.

And she was there, laying on the bed watching TV. He 
tried to act casual. Dana was on the phone, but she 
waved to Mike to use her computer. They pulled in 
another chair, and Matt sat down.

"Hi Jen," Mike had groaned.

"Hi Mikey," she'd said. Mikey? he wondered.

The minute Dana had gotten off the phone, it had rung 
again.

"Hello?" Dana said. She looked at Jen. "Um, what if I 
say she's not here?... Well then, what if I say she is?"

Jen raised her eyebrows at her friend.

Dana raised hers back, covering up the receiver. "It's 
Ryan," she explained. "He said, 'Is my girlfriend 
there?' and I said, 'What if she's not?' and he goes, 
'Then I'll be happy.'"

"He'll be happy?" asked Jen.

"Yeah, and then I say, 'What if she is here,' and he 
says, 'Then I'll be sad.'"

"Oh really?" Jen snorted. "Well I wouldn't want to make 
him sad!"

"She doesn't want to make you sad," she said into the 
phone. She paused. "Oh. He says he'll be sad because 
he's really tired and he wants to go to bed."

"So go to bed," Jen said plainly.

"Go to bed," relayed Dana. "Oh... Just a second." She 
threw Jen the cordless phone.

"If you don't want to talk to me then don't," said Jen. 
"So go to bed! I'm not standing in your way... Yeah... 
Oh... Yeah, I know... Why are they there?... I don't 
care, I was just asking. . . Hey, I'll let you go if 
you're so tired... really? Oooh, Ryan! Bad!" she teased.

Matt was trying to listen in, but at the same time not 
be obvious, i.e. keep telling Mike what to write next.

She sat up. "What the fuck's that supposed to mean?... 
Sorry!... Yeah, yeah... I just meant it's a Monday 
night. I never said that..."

She clicked the phone off, and slammed it down on the 
bed. Dana took it, hanging it up. They're fighting! 
thought Matt.

"What? Did he hang up on you?" she asked.

"No. I hung up on him. Wait give me the phone."

"Why? Are you going to call him back?"

"Yeah..."

"No! Don't! Wait five minutes first."

She sighed.

"What was his problem?"

She lay back down on the bed. "He was being such a 
prick! I was like, 'Fine! You don't have to talk to me 
if you don't want to!' And he's like, 'Oh, I'm drunk,' 
And so I'm like, 'Ooh! Bad,' and he gets all mad, and 
says, 'Don't *you* lecture me about drinking!'"

"What a dick!"

"Yeah, and I'm like, 'Ryan, that's not what I meant.' I 
mean, he never drinks on a weeknight. Usually not even 
on a weekend, you know? So I said that, and he goes 'Oh. 
Well, whatever.' So I hung up on him."

"What's his problem?" asked Dana.

"I don't know. His asshole friends were over there, and 
you know how he's different when they're there..."

"Nah, it's probably because he's drunk. He's nice to you 
Jen," interrupted Mike.

"Well he's still being a dick."

"Do you guys fight a lot?" asked Matt, curious.

"No, hardly ever. We've only fought like, four times!"

"Have you guys been going out a long time?" he asked.

"Three years," she told him.

"Wow," he said.

"Right. I don't need this shit," she said.

"Jen! Come on, don't cry!" exclaimed Dana 
sympathetically.

Matt looked over, she was rubbing her eyes, laying on 
the bed. She sniffled. Yup, she was starting to cry. He 
couldn't believe it. Her boyfriend was such a jerk, he 
would always want to talk to her if he was him.

Dana leaned over the bed, hugging her. "Come on, you 
know he loves you. Sometimes he's just in bad moods. 
Aren't you ever in bad moods too? It doesn't mean you 
don't love him still."

She nodded, swallowing her tears. The phone rang.

"Hello?" asked Dana. She looked at Jen.

"I'm not here. He can be happy," she said sarcastically.

"What if I say she's not here?" asked Dana. "Oh yeah?... 
Well what if I say she is here?... Well what if I say 
she's here but that she... Okay! Okay!"

She handed Jen the phone. "He's all, 'Will you just give 
the fucking phone to my girlfriend!"" she imitated.

Jen snatched it up. "Don't you speak to my friends that 
way!" she screamed. "No, *you* listen!... Goddamn you, 
what the hell's your problem... No, it is not *me*... 
Why are you being like this Ryan!" she cried.

Matt and Mike raised their eyebrows at each other. 
"Should we leave?" he whispered to Mike. Mike shook his 
head.

She continued yelling at him, starting to cry again. 
Matt wanted to comfort her. "I never said anything bad 
about them!... Unlike what they say about me though, 
huh?... No!... It's different, Ryan, it's different!" 
she sobbed, her face in her hands, her chin resting on 
her knees as she sat back against the wall. "Oh, oh. Not 
because you don't want me to be upset... Oh, isn't that 
just fucking classic," she snapped sarcastically. 
"Listen to this you guys," she told them. "Ryan says, 
'Don't cry Jen. Don't cry in front of your friends; it 
makes me look like the bad guy!' Well why do you think 
I'm crying!" she screamed into the phone.

Matt sat there watching her, as she cried and argued. It 
isn't fair, he thought. Why does he get her when he 
treats her like this?

She swallowed her sobs a bit, and got quiet, listening 
to him talk. "Uh huh... Yes!... But I'm just telling you 
Ryan, it's different lately... It is!... I haven't seen 
you hardly at all since school started... I know 
that!... But, you obviously have time for *them*! You 
didn't invite me... Yeah, I'm sure they just came over 
and forced the beer down your throat while you 
protested, saying, 'No! I have to study!'" she said 
sarcastically. "See, now you're not even listening! ... 
Bullshit! ... What?" she gasped. "*What*? What did you 
just say?" she gasped, starting to cry again. "I can't 
believe you just said that! That was over two *fucking* 
years ago! I can't believe this!" she sobbed. "You never 
forgave me for that, did you! ... I never said I was! 
... Yeah, right... No you don't! ... Oh yeah, well I'm 
sure getting drunk will really contribute to excellence 
tomorrow during practice! ... Oh, yeah, well maybe they 
can suck your dick from now on since you love them so 
much!"

Matt widened his eyes, and Mike tried to keep from 
laughing.

"Go Jen!" Mike laughed.

"You tell me to fucking shut up one more time and we're 
through, ya got it! ... Yes, you did! You just said it! 
... Oh, same damn thing! ... I could too! ... I don't 
want to fight with you! You started it! ... Well what am 
I just supposed to ignore it? That is not going to 
help," she said. "It's not. You don't want to talk. You 
don't call me anymore. We don't go out anymore... Well, 
not like we used to! ... I know that," she whispered. "I 
know, but you don't tell me these things. I'm not a part 
of your life... I know... Yeah, I know... Why?! Because 
you're friends just came back in! Is it embarrassing to 
fight with your girlfriend in front of them! ... You're 
so different... See, now you're not even talking to me! 
... You're not, you're talking to them! ... Oh, I see. 
See, you can't bring yourself to apologize or say you 
love me in front of them... No, not in front of *them*! 
... You can talk to them all you want," she said 
sweetly, hanging up on him.

She wiped her eyes, still crying.

"Come on, Jen," said Dana, wrapping her arms around her. 
"It'll be okay. What did he say?"

"He's just such a jerk," she cried. "He's all, 'Oh, like 
you're perfect! At least I don't lie to you!'"

"What? When did you lie to him?"

"Fucking remember *Brett*," she sobbed. "Fucking two 
*years* ago!"

"Oh my God, he brought that up? I can't believe it!" 
exclaimed Dana.

"That's the only time I've *ever* lied to him. This is 
supposed to be the best year, senior year! And look 
what's happened to us," she whispered.

"It's okay," said Dana. "He loves you, he's just 
stressed with school and college and football and 
everything."

She nodded, still crying. She lay back on the bed. Matt 
and Mike worked on the project for awhile, but he kept 
looking over at her.

Awhile later the phone rang again.

"Hello?" groaned Dana. "Yeah, just a second."

She held the phone out, and Jen shook her head.

"She doesn't want to talk to you. I don't blame her 
either... Yeah, I know you do... What?... Then why do 
you... Yeah, aright." She held the phone out again. Jen 
still shook her head.

"I think he's sorry..." she told her. Jen said nothing. 
"No, she won't!" she said into the phone. "No, she's 
right here, she just doesn't want to... She won't take 
it... Aright, I guess. But if she leaves she leaves," 
she told him.

Jen still lay on the bed, facing the wall. Dana pushed a 
button on the phone base, putting it on speakerphone.

"Jen..." said a male voice. "Come on, I'm sorry. I am!"

She didn't answer him. Matt listened intently.

"Jen, please. I don't want to break up with you. You 
know that I love you," he said.

"Yeah, I'm sure your friends aren't in the room," she 
sniffled.

"What? Aright, fine! Hold on!"

She cried, her face in her hands. They could hear him as 
he yelled for his friends to come in the room.

"Okay, are you guys all here?" he asked. He sounded 
drunk. A chorus of male voices sounded. "Now my 
girlfriend. Her name is Jen by the way and she's very 
nice and very beautiful. I love my girlfriend a lot," he 
whispered. Jen sobbed. "And I'm sorry I was a jerk. And 
I'm saying this in front of my friends so they know too 
that I'm a jerk. Jen, I love you," he whispered. "Please 
talk to me. I'm too drunk to come see you 'cause I can't 
drive 'cause I'm drunk. And I can't find my car," he 
whined.

Jen sobbed, laughing too.

"Your car's in your driveway!" someone at his house 
hooted.

Crying, she got up and took the phone.

"Ryan, you're drunk," she cried. "I do, I do... I know, 
that's why it scares me when it seems were growing 
apart... Yes, definitely... Yeah, I know... They're 
leaving?... Yeah, it's almost 9:30... What?... You're 
mumbling!... Yes... *Hello*?... Ryan," she said gently. 
"I can't hear you if you put it on mute... I hear the 
clicks..."

She put the phone on mute herself. "He's putting me on 
mute so I can't hear him crying... I can hear the 
clicks!" she told her.

"Ohhh! He's crying?" asked Dana.

"Ry, I love you too... I know... Sure, I'll make you 
spaghetti," she told him, giggling as Dana laughed.

Matt laughed too. "Man, how much did he have to drink?" 
asked Mike.

"Yes I do," she said in the phone. "Yeah, sure... Yes, 
I'll remember the sauce... Ryan, you are *drunk*! How 
much did you drink? Twelve?!?" she exclaimed. "He had 
twelve beers and a 40 in the last two hours," she told 
them.

"Damn!" said Mike.

"No, I'm not mad at you for drinking!... I know... No, 
you do. Better than me anyway... Well, you sorta drank 
too much... No! You are *not* driving!... Yes, I do 
believe you... Yeah but how do you need me?... Ryan, I 
think you're too drunk, honey... No! That's not what I 
meant!... Ry, no! Take it off mute, please. . . " She 
covered up the receiver. "Now he's all upset because he 
thinks I think he can't get it up!" she whispered.

"Well, he's drunk!" exclaimed Mike.

"Yeah, I know but he... What?" she asked into the phone. 
"You had it on mute I didn't hear the whole thing... No, 
I know... No, no. It's okay. Ry, are you sure though?... 
You're just drunk... You know your rule... I know... 
Yes, babe, I understand... I'm sure you'll be passed out 
by the time I get up there anyway. Plus you need your 
sleep!... Where are your parents, anyway?... Oh. They 
didn't care?... Oh...Yes, I do... Baby, I love you," she 
whispered. "I know you are... Okay... Yes... Yes, I love 
you. . . No, I'm not!... Aright, goodnight..."

She hung up the phone, groaning in frustration. "He's 
like, 'I'm about to pass out. I'm drunk. My posters are 
weird! You're mad at me still. I love you. I'm drunk!'" 
she mimicked.

Dana and Mike laughed, and Matt smiled. He felt 
miserable, though. She would never be his. He should 
just get over her, he thought. He was wasting his time. 
But I love her, he thought.

***

About two weeks later Mike's parents went up to the city 
for their anniversary, spending the night in a hotel. 
Mike invited Matt, and this other guy from their 
football team, Darin, to spend the night. They rode 
their bikes around town, eating at McDonald's and 
hitting on girls. Finally they returned to his house, 
and with nothing else to do, settled on a game of Life. 
Matt felt a bit childish, but his sister and Jen weren't 
there anyway.

He asked about her. "So, what did your sister do 
tonight?"

"Huh? Dana? Oh, she went out."

"Oh, yeah, with who?" he asked casually.

"I don't know. Probably Jen and Ryan and whoever. Why?"

"Oh, I was just wondering."

"You like his sister!" teased Darin.

"No I don't. Shut up!"

"No, he likes Jen!" laughed Mike. "He wants her ass 
bad."

"Shut up," he muttered. "I do not."

"Yuh huh! You always ask about her."

He ignored him, instead getting into the game. He kicked 
himself for asking about her so much; he hoped if he 
stopped for awhile Mike wouldn't think he liked her. He 
didn't know about Mike; he might tell her. He considered 
himself good friends with her, although Matt didn't know 
how much truth there was to that.

Awhile later they heard car doors slamming in the 
driveway. The side door opened and Jen walked in. Matt 
gulped, taking a sip of his soda. She was dressed up, 
wearing a short plaid skirt and black stockings. From 
the look in her eyes he guessed she was either really 
tired, really drunk, or both.

"What are you playing?" she mumbled. "Oh, Life! I love 
this game!"

She sat down next to Matt. She picked up Darin's little 
blue car off the game board, and made it drive off the 
board in front of her. "Vroom vroom!" she laughed, 
steering the little car off the table and onto Matt's 
lap.

"Hey!" he exclaimed.

She ignored him, saying again, "Vroom vroom!" She took 
the little car, dragging it up his thigh and his chest 
while he shrank away from her, blushing. 
"Vroooooooooom," she said, now moving it up his shoulder 
and his neck, giving him goose bumps from the cold 
plastic on his bare skin.

Mike and Darin were laughing at her, the former saying, 
"Uh, Jen? I think you're too drunk to drive!"

She looked at him, tossing the piece onto the board. 
"I'm not drunk," she slurred. She looked over at Matt. 
"You know, you have really pretty eyes," she told him.

Matt blushed. "Thanks."

"Ooooo, Matt," teased Darin.

Shut up!!! Matt thought. But she didn't notice.

"Ryan's pissed at me 'cause I'm drunk," she whined, 
putting her head on the table. She didn't move, and Matt 
wondered if she was passed out.

The door opened again, and Dana and three other people 
came in. She still didn't move as Dana and the two of 
the guys went down the hall.

The third guy looked at her, tickling her scalp with his 
hands. She still didn't move. Is that Ryan? wondered 
Matt.

"So, I hear you're mad at her for being drunk," said 
Mike. It *is* him, thought Matt.

He'd never seen him before, and he was impressed, 
although he never would admit having checked out another 
guy. He was tall, and strong, with brown hair which 
needed a haircut. Matt knew he was great looking; he was 
exactly the kind of guy that every girl would check out 
and compliment.

Ryan rolled his eyes. "No, I'm not. Did she say that?"

"Yeah."

"Nah. She's just drunk. She keeps asking me if I'm mad. 
Right, hon?" he asked her.

"You are too mad!" she answered, sitting up. "Even if 
you don't know or admit it."

"Well if you keep saying that I will get mad," he 
laughed.

"See! You are too mad," she repeated, whining. "I have 
to go to the bathroom. Because I'm drunk," she added, 
giving Ryan a pointed look as she went down the hall.

The other two guys came back in the kitchen. They sat 
down at the kitchen table with the freshman. Matt felt 
like a baby, playing a board game on a Friday night.

"Let's play poker," said one of them.

"Yeah. Go get cards," Ryan said to Mike, sitting down as 
well.

"Okay," said Mike, who went to his room.

Ryan caught Matt looking at him. "What's up?" he asked 
him.

"Nuthin'," said Matt, looking away.

"What are your guys' names?" he asked.

"I'm Darin."

"Matt," he said.

"You guys freshmen?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah," said Matt.

He nodded. "That's cool. You guys play poker?" he asked.

"Yeah, sure!" said Darin.

"Sure," Matt said, although he hadn't. "But I haven't in 
a while."

"Oh, well, we're not playing for money," Ryan told him.

"Oh. Okay," said Matt.

Mike returned with the cards and chips, and all six guys 
settled into a game. The other two guys were Corey and 
Alan. Dana came in and pulled up another chair, leaning 
her head on Alan's shoulder.

"Where's Jen?" asked Ryan.

"In my room, I think. I don't know what she's doing."

"Ah," he answered, raising Mike.

Jen returned in a few minutes, her heels off.

"What's up?" asked Ryan, his eyes on his cards.

Slinking over to him, she straddled his lap, her head on 
his shoulder. Ryan continued playing, while she muttered 
a few things to him. He shook his head, twice.

Matt watched as she began covering him with soft kisses, 
her tongue on his neck, and ear. The other guys kept an 
eye on her too, Matt noticed, while they continued the 
game. She kept murmuring things in his ear, and kissing 
him on the mouth, fully. Ryan pretty much ignored her, 
except to close his eyes when she kissed him. Matt was 
at a perfect angle to see both their tongues touching as 
they kissed. She held his face in her hands while she 
kept kissing him.

"Harper," prompted Corey. "Your turn!"

Ryan took his mouth away, leaning forward to take his 
turn. She was pressed backward into the table, turning 
her head around to see everyone. Her eyes met Matt's 
briefly, as they did the other guys'. Her eyes were 
glassy. She must be really drunk, thought Matt.

She murmured again in Ryan's ear, and this time Matt 
heard what she said, "Let's do it, come on, now." Ryan 
shook his head again, saying, "No!"

Ryan won that game, laughing loudly at the others' 
misfortune. While Alan shuffled, Jen leaned back onto 
the table, her legs straight out behind Ryan's arms. She 
stretched her arms out, groaning. Ryan ignored her 
still. She reached back and pulled the clip out of her 
hair. Raising one leg over his shoulder, she sat back 
up, shaking her hair down. Matt widened his eyes at his 
view, as her skirt fell back up her legs, revealing the 
top of her black stocking and several inches of thigh, 
and finally the edge of her black underwear.

"Is this turning you on?" she asked Ryan.

"It's turning me on," said Alan, laughing. Matt agreed 
silently, squeezing his legs together.

"Uh, am I hard?" Ryan asked sarcastically.

The other guys laughed, and she responded by grinding 
her hips into him, bucking against him while she 
laughed.

"Knock it off," he snapped.

"Ryan!" she whined. "Come on, please?"

The freshman guys couldn't believe their ears. Here was 
a girl, a real girl, begging to be fucked. And more than 
that, the guy was turning her down.

"I said no!"

She pouted, taking her leg off his shoulder. "You're mad 
at me," she whispered, leaning on his shoulder.

"I am not!" he insisted. "I don't care if you're drunk 
but right now I'm trying to play a simple game of poker. 
Got it? I think you need to go to bed anyway," he added.

"I'm not tired!" she whined.

"Yes, you are," he told her. "How many people here think 
Jen needs to go to bed?" he asked loudly.

"Raise your hand if you're sure!" giggled Jen.

Dana, Mike, Alan, and Corey agreed with Ryan 
enthusiastically. Matt didn't want her to go to bed 
though.

"But I'm lonely," she whined. "And it's scary in there."

"Jen, I'll be right out here," Ryan told her gently. "If 
any robbers or rapists come in, just scream and I'll 
come in and protect you, okay babe?"

"But," she insisted. "It's dark. What if I can't see 
anything and I think it's you and I let him?" she 
pouted.

"Well," said Ryan. "As soon as he takes out his little 
tiny dick you'll know it's not me for sure, now won't 
you?" he grinned.

Everyone laughed, including Jen.

"But you promise you won't leave?" she asked him sadly.

"Promise," he told her, giving her a kiss.

"Okay," she said. "But you have to put me to bed," she 
insisted.

"Aright, after I win this hand."

"You know I'm just kiddin'," she told him in his ear. 
Ryan smiled at her, giving her a kiss.

Matt felt that same sickening pain in his stomach, the 
jealousy and hurt eating away at him as he watched her 
with Ryan, knowing she would never even consider him. 
I'm just some stupid freshman, he thought, who plays 
board games on a Friday night.

After Ryan did win that hand, she dragged him out of the 
kitchen and down the hall.

"I guess he's out," said Darin with a grin.

"Nah, he'll be out in a minute. He doesn't fuck her when 
she's drunk," said Corey.

"Yeah, not when she's drunk," said Dana.

"Why not?" asked Darin.

Corey shrugged. "I don't know, ask him."

"I think it's because one time she like freaked out, and 
she didn't know what was going on and who the hell he 
was. I think she was high though too. But anyway he was 
pissed," said Dana.

"I'd do her when she was drunk," said Darin. Matt agreed 
silently.

"I know, huh?" said Alan. "He's got some control, man! 
I'd hit that anytime!"

Dana sat up, rolling her eyes. She crossed her legs. Was 
she going out with Alan? wondered Matt.

Alan redialed, and they waited for Ryan to come back. 
Dana walked out of the kitchen, without saying anything.

Ryan passed her as he walked in. "Man, what's up?" he 
asked.

Alan shrugged. "I don't know."

"Does she want to get back together? She was all over 
you tonight."

"I don't know. She's drunk I guess. I don't really 
care," he added. "I'm sort of still getting together 
with Michelle."

Ryan nodded, checking out his cards.

"You hit that?" asked Corey.

"Who, Michelle? Nah, not yet," answered Alan.

God, they all screw each other, thought Matt. He 
wondered if Mike minded when they talked about his 
sister. Did he care if she had sex?

"We almost did," continued Alan. "I went muff diving," 
he added with a grin.

The other seniors laughed, and Darin groaned, "Echh!"

They looked over at him. "What, you ever done it?" 
challenged Corey.

Darin had to admit he hadn't. "But that's nasty," he 
added. "I'm not going to ever do it."

"Uh, you will if you want to get your dick sucked," 
laughed Alan. "Besides, it's not nasty, huh?"

"The way I see it," said Ryan, "is that you worship it 
figuratively, so you might as well get on your knees and 
worship it literally! Besides, there ain't nuthin' 
better... Well, besides fucking or getting your dick 
sucked," he added.

Alan agreed, nodding.

"If I die with my head with my head up in that, I'll die 
a happy man!" Ryan laughed.

"It's great," agreed Corey. "You just gotta get in 
there, and eat, and eat..." he added, demonstrating with 
an open mouth and extended tongue.

Ryan and Alan laughed. Matt laughed too, wanting to seem 
cool anyway.

"What's your favorite position?" he asked them.

Alan shrugged. "I don't know. Doggy's pretty good."

"They're all good," said Corey. "Yeah, doggy's hot."

"I love to be ridden *like a horse*," said Ryan.

The others agreed enthusiastically. "That's nice," said 
Alan. "Just lay back, and get ridden."

Matt tried to picture Jen on top. Was that her favorite 
position too? Did she like to be eaten out a lot? He 
would do it for her. He doubted she was nasty.

"Man, you've got some control," Alan told Ryan.

"Huh?" he grinned.

"The girl's like, on your lap, begging you, and you say 
no! What's up?" asked Darin.

"Nah," he told them. "She didn't want it really. She 
just wanted to be alone together I think."

Matt wondered about that. Why didn't Ryan go spend time 
with her instead of playing poker with his friends?

"She gets like that sometimes," he continued. "But then 
she passes out. And that's not too cool." They knew what 
he meant.

They played cards until almost two. Matt thought Ryan 
was really cool. They talked about football, and Ryan 
seemed to like him. Maybe he would mention to Jen he 
thought Matt was cool? They talked about sex of course, 
the younger three not being able to speak from 
experience. But the older trio didn't make any virgin 
jokes, to their relief. They felt cool to be hanging out 
with them on a Friday night.

Ryan got a few beers from the car, and he drank a bit.

"You staying here, Harper?" asked Alan.

"Yeah, probably. That okay with you?" he asked Mike.

Mike nodded. "Sure. You can sleep on the sofa bed in the 
living room."

Dana came out. "I'm going to bed now," she said, 
sounding annoyed. "And Jen's sort of on my bed. She's 
*out*."

"Oh, yeah. I thought you were asleep too." said Ryan.

"No, I was on the phone."

"Oh. Yeah, well, aright," he told her. "I'm out," he 
told the guys, tossing his cards onto the table and 
standing up.

"Yeah, I gotta get going," said Alan.

"Yeah, see ya guys," said Corey to the three freshman at 
the table as they left.

Mike and Ryan went into the living room, opening the 
sofa bed. Mike went and got sheets and a blanket while 
Matt hung around, wondering when Jen was going to come 
out.

Ryan brought her out, carrying her. She was completely 
gone, her head resting against his arm. She was wearing 
some of Dana's shorts and a T-shirt. Did he undress her? 
wondered Matt. He wondered what it might be like to do 
that.

He put her to bed, setting her gently down on the 
sheets, then covering her up with the blanket. He 
certainly cares for her a lot, thought Matt, jealous. 
Ryan kicked his shoes off, then pulled off his T-shirt. 
Matt noticed how muscular he was. He climbed into bed 
next to her, on top of the blankets. Matt still stood in 
the kitchen doorway, watching them, as Ryan smoothed her 
hair, then kissed her cheek. His eyes filled with tears, 
as he once again realized she would never be his.

Ryan looked up. "Hey, can you turn out the light?" he 
mumbled, tired.

Matt nodded, and he and Mike went upstairs.

Matt and Darin slept on the floor in sleeping bags. All 
three were tired, and so they didn't really talk much, 
which was fine with Matt. He'd never felt so depressed, 
or empty inside. He couldn't fall asleep, and soon he 
heard Mike's deep breathing.

Darin whispered, "You guys awake?" Matt ignored him, 
wishing he was.

He groaned inwardly as Darin quietly grabbed some 
Kleenex off of Mike's desk. Matt tried to shut out the 
sound of Darin's rapid breathing and rustling in the 
sleeping bag as he jerked off. God, can't he do it in 
private? he thought, annoyed. Soon he heard him gasp, 
and then his breathing began to slow down as he too 
drifted to sleep.

Matt lay in bed for awhile longer, pissed that he 
couldn't sleep. She was sleeping herself, downstairs. He 
got up, trying to be as quiet as he could. He sneaked 
downstairs in the quiet house, praying he didn't walk 
into anything and wake everyone up.

He went into the kitchen, flipping on the light casually 
as he got a drink of water. The running water was loud 
in the silence. He casually walked to the doorway that 
led into the living room.

It was partially lit from the kitchen light, enough for 
Matt to see the sleeping couple. Jen was on her side, 
facing Matt, Ryan behind her. His arms were wrapped 
around her. Matt stared at her, and him, for awhile. 
Then he went back upstairs, purposely not being very 
quiet. He didn't care if they woke up.

He crawled back into his sleeping bag, biting his lip as 
the tears began to fall.


-= Chapter 27 =-

Ryan lay in bed, his mouth sore where Jen had hit him. 
He started to cry, but couldn't get many tears out. It 
was over, he'd blown it.

He began to think of all the times they'd had together, 
trying to remember what it felt like when she was still 
his. He hadn't appreciated that feeling enough when he'd 
had it, he knew. But now it was too late. Jen hated him.

He thought back to one Sunday last fall, when they were 
watching the football game, lying on his bed. They'd 
been so stressed last fall, with applying to college. 
They'd fought a lot, about other things, but mainly it 
was due to the stress. Both were considering the 
possibility of different schools. They had different 
goals anyway. He felt he was losing her whenever she'd 
say how it wouldn't hurt their relationship too much to 
be apart geographically. It was so upsetting to him, 
he'd sort of assumed she would go with him. But of 
course he wanted her to be happy, and she should go 
wherever she wanted.

But that day they hadn't fought once. They'd gone out 
the night before, eating dinner and seeing a movie. They 
came back late, sneaking into his house so as not to 
wake anyone up. It was so perfect, giggling in bed and 
making love for hours while they tried to be quiet. Then 
Sunday morning his parents made a huge breakfast. She 
was so much a part of the family, he thought. She's like 
a sister, but of course not to me. She's my best friend. 
Or she was, he thought painfully.

Then they lay on his bed, just relaxing, watching the 
game. He'd thought about her, next to him, how much he 
loved her, and how scared he was that he would lose her.

"Marry me," he'd said suddenly.

She looked at him. "What?"

"Marry me," he repeated.

She'd held her left hand out, moving her ring finger, 
his ring always there. "What's this?" she'd asked him 
gently.

He'd rolled over, looking deep into her eyes. "No, I 
mean, now. Before college."

"Ry! We can't get married yet," she'd said.

"Why not?" he'd asked her.

"Because," she'd sighed. "I don't want to yet."

"But, then if we go to different schools, you'll still 
be mine."

"Ryan! No. I will be yours anyway, got it? It doesn't 
matter where we go to school."

He'd sighed.

"Ryan," she'd said gently, hugging him. "When we get 
married, that's it. We're never going to live apart 
after that. Right?" she'd asked him in a small voice.

"I know. But I'm just scared it'll be different, that 
you'll meet someone else..."

"Well, I'm scared you will too."

He'd shook his head furiously. "No, Jen! I won't! I 
promise."

"I could never love anyone else. Comprende?"

He'd nodded. They looked at the TV for a second, which 
was showing one of the player's wives, with their small 
son.

"What if you got pregnant?" he'd asked her suddenly.

She'd paused. "Then I'd want to get married now."

"You wouldn't want to have an abortion?"

"Ryan, no! You know I don't believe in abortion!"

"Yeah, me neither."

"I could never kill a part of me," she'd told him 
quietly. "And especially, I could never kill your child, 
our child."

"Oh, I know. I was just asking. God, Jen, if you got 
pregnant I'd marry you so fast you wouldn't believe it!"

She smiled at him. "You'd better marry me, boy!"

"I would," he promised. "I *will*."

Then Robby came in, without knocking again. It was the 
third time he'd walked in on them since they'd been 
watching the game. He's trying to catch us doing 
something, Ryan had told her.

"What's the score now?" he'd asked, casually.

"The same," Ryan had told him. "If you're so interested 
in the game, why don't you watch it?"

Robby had paused. "You mean, with you?"

"No, not with us! In the living room."

"Ry!" Jen had laughed. "You can watch it with us if you 
want Robby," she told him.

"No he can't. We're talking," said Ryan. "Close the door 
on your way out," he told Robby. 

"Fine!" he said, sullenly. "Wait, not!" he'd added over 
his shoulder, leaving the door partially open. He 
slammed his own, next door.

"Whatta brat!"

"Ry, you're so mean..."

"I am not! I swear, he's just in here to spy on us. He's 
trying to catch us doing something. He's such a little 
pervert."

She laughed. It was true.

Ryan started moaning, quietly, while Jen asked what he 
was doing. He began groaning, saying, "Yes! Oh God, 
yes!!!!" loudly. Laughing, she told him to stop. He 
didn't, still moaning and groaning. He got into it, 
shouting out her name and screaming, "Yes!!!" over and 
over at the top of his lungs. He began bouncing on the 
bed, then jumping on it, knocking the headboard 
repeatedly into the wall he and Robby shared. She 
laughed so hard she nearly cried, though thoroughly 
embarrassed. His parents could probably hear!

And they did; soon his dad came into the room while Ryan 
was still jumping on the bed, groaning and yelling her 
name.

"*What* is going on?" asked JR, amused but annoyed as 
well.

Jen, still laughing, hid her head under a pillow as Ryan 
fell down on the bed, sitting next to her.

"Oh, nothing," he'd said.

"Well, keep it down. And *don't* jump on the bed, will 
ya? That's something I'd have to tell Will not to do, 
alright?"

"Sure, no problem," he'd said.

His dad, shaking his head, closed the door.

"Dork!" Jen had called him, laughing.

"What? I bet Robby got two, three good wanks outta 
that!" he'd told her with a grin.

"Oh, you're so bad," she'd teased. "Were you that 
perverted?" she'd asked.

"Sure!"

"I wanna know what you did," she'd teased.

"Oh, I had the magazines. And the fantasies. And my 
right hand. Sometimes my left when my right got cramped. 
The usual."

"I wanna see you do it," she'd whispered to him.

"What? Oh, not this again. Later, huh?"

"Okay," she'd sighed. "I'm just teasing you..."

"Nuh huh! I know you like it," he told her with a 
naughty smile.

She'd smiled back, blushing a bit.

Laying on his bed, by himself, Ryan thought about that 
day, and how much she hated him now. He wanted to kill 
himself again. He had for awhile.


-= Chapter 28 =-

Jen lay on her bed. She had picked up the phone to call 
Dana, but hung up before she even dialed. Dana didn't 
understand her as much anymore. Jen thought she might be 
disgusted with her for sleeping with Matt. She'd never 
said that though, just been shocked when it had 
happened. Jen knew Dana wanted her to take Ryan back. 
Never, thought Jen. But she wasn't as convinced as she 
told herself she was. However, she was starting to get 
an idea that her life might continue without him, that 
she wouldn't die. For the ten thousandth time she 
recalled what had happened...

It was the fourth week of the new semester when it had 
happened. Almost March. Ryan was thrilled, he had just 
gotten a scholarship to his first choice school. Jen had 
applied there too, but hadn't heard yet whether or not 
she had gotten in. He didn't listen to her concerns it 
seemed, that she wouldn't get in, or that maybe she 
wanted to go out of state. They'd fought about that, his 
not seeming to care, nor listening to her when she 
talked. He always had to go, it seemed. Now that he had 
been accepted, he kicked back a bit more, cutting school 
and partying more. He'd gotten mad when she bugged him 
about that too.

But they made up. They always did, of course. But he 
still didn't change much. She thought maybe they were 
breaking up. She was petrified he was going to say they 
shouldn't limit themselves when at school, that maybe 
they should see other people. He hadn't said that 
though. Not yet, she had thought.

Then she starting feeling sick. She was so stressed out 
anyway. Once when she was at track she nearly fainted. 
She had only a tiny lunch, she told herself. She refused 
to think about other possibilities. But she couldn't 
ignore it, the drawer in her bathroom with her tampons 
in it seemed to yell at her whenever she had gone in 
there. She hadn't opened the drawer in almost six weeks.

A year before, she would have called Ryan immediately. 
Instead she called Dana, and they talked. She made an 
appointment with the doctor. She had to be sure first. 
The earliest appointment was Tuesday. All weekend she 
felt sick, sick to her stomach. He came over on Friday 
night, and he was sweet to her, making her dinner. He 
hadn't stayed long though, she thought bitterly. After 
all, she thought, he wasn't going to get any, not with 
her feeling sick. Maybe if he had stayed she would have 
told him. But he hadn't, so she didn't.

Sunday she couldn't take it anymore. She called him, and 
he wasn't there. She waited for him to call back, all 
day she waited, but he never did. She called again, and 
he still wasn't there. Will sounded annoyed that she'd 
called again. That made her even more depressed. 
Finally, she called Dana, sobbing and crying. Dana 
agreed, and promised to come over the next day with the 
test. Plus, Dana told her, then you will have talked to 
Ryan, and he can come over.

But she hadn't talked to him. He never called her back. 
Depressed, she finally agreed to take the test with Dana 
there instead. I'm sure he's just really busy, Dana told 
her.

She hated the sight of the test, in the little brown 
paper bag. It was white, with pink and blue letters.

"This sucks," she smiled wryly to Dana, holding back 
tears. "This fucking sucks."

"It's okay," Dana told her. "Jen, I promise you, it will 
be okay." She read her the instructions. Echh, she had 
to pee on the stick.

She came out immediately, Dana sitting on her bed. They 
had to wait five minutes.

"You look," Jen told her, laying on the bed. "I can't."

"Sure, I'll look. Jen, it will be okay. It might be 
negative."

She nodded, then smiled. "I-I guess I could put off 
school for a year though," she whispered. "He said he 
wanted to get married now anyway, before we went to 
school..."

"See? Jen, even if it is positive, it will all work out. 
Ryan loves you *so* much. Come on, it's a beautiful 
thing," she told her, although she knew it sounded 
corny. Hell, even she didn't believe it.

Jen smiled, then cried. Dana rubbed her back for awhile. 
Four minutes had gone by. Then five, then six. Dana 
gulped, getting up and going into the bathroom.

Jen's heart pounded in her chest, in her ears. She felt 
like she was going to throw up. God, *please*, she 
prayed.

Dana was still in the bathroom, but she came out, 
holding the white plastic stick. A line meant positive, 
no line, negative.

Jen just stared at her. "Well, tell me!"

Dana paused. "It's positive, Jen."

Jen laid back, feeling like she'd just swallowed a 
boulder. Or that someone had slapped her.

"Fuck," she cried. "Fuck!" She hit her pillow.

Dana comforted her as best she could, held her best 
friend in her arms while she sobbed. Damn Ryan, she 
thought. Where the hell is he?

Jen stopped crying after awhile, just lay there with her 
eyes open, staring at nothing. She thought about it, 
remembering the conversation where Ryan had said he'd 
marry her. She was still miserable though. Where was he?

"Here," Dana said quietly, covering her up with the 
blanket. "You rest. I'll be right back." She left, 
closing Jen's door.

She went out into the kitchen, finding JR Harper's 
number in the phone book, and dialed.

His little brother answered. Will, she thought. "Is Ryan 
there?" she asked.

"No."

"Well, when's he coming back?" she demanded.

"I don't know! I think he's at baseball practice."

"Well, you tell him to call Jen as soon as he gets home, 
okay? Or to come over."

"Sure."

"Don't forget!"

"I won't! I'm writing it down as we speak!"

"Good. Good-bye."

"Bye."

She went back into Jen's room. Jen still lay there. Dana 
comforted her again for awhile, while she sniffled and 
cried.

The phone finally rang. Jen sat up, answering it.

"Hello?" she asked. "Ryan! Where have you been?... I 
called you yesterday twice and you never called me 
back... No, I said you could call late!... Well, please 
come over now. Now!... We need to talk... Six? Can't you 
come earlier?... Aright, but please come over... No, I'm 
not pissed at you!... Aright, bye..." She hung up.

"He's gonna come over at six," she told her. "In like, 
an hour."

Dana left soon before six, hugging her friend, who 
thanked her and cried. Six o'clock came around. Then 
6:30, and 6:52, and 7:12. He didn't come. She called him 
again, but he wasn't there. He'd gone out, said his dad. 
She assumed he was on his way. He wasn't, apparently, 
and she called him again at 9:30. He still hadn't showed 
up. She tried not to scream. Crying, she laid in bed.

At 10:30 she heard a car. Her heart leapt to her throat. 
She heard doors slam (doors?) and then heard him calling 
her name as he came down the hall. He opened the door, 
and walked in. Darius, one of his friends, followed him 
into her dark room, illuminated only by the television.

"Ryan!" she snapped, in tears. "You fucking said you'd 
be here at six! It's almost eleven! And we need to talk 
*alone*."

"Sorry! I needed a ride."

She looked at him. "Oh, fucking shit. Are you drunk?"

"Nah, just buzzed. Well, maybe drunk," he laughed.

"I said we need to talk alone," she repeated, looking 
pointedly at Darius.

"Uh oh, Ryan's in trouble," teased Darius.

"Fuck you, man!" snapped Ryan. "Wait in the fucking car, 
will ya?" He left.

"Wait in the car," Jen murmured. She couldn't believe he 
was being like this, the opposite of what she needed.

"What? What is up?" he asked her.

"We need to talk," she told him, flipping on the light. 
She squinted from the bright light.

"Yeah, you already said that! Luckily, I have a voice 
box so that is made possible. Hey, why are you crying? 
What, 'cause I'm late?"

"You said you'd be here hours ago! Why do you have to be 
drunk? And you never called me back yesterday," she 
whined.

"Well, I'm sorry. I was busy." He didn't sound sorry. 
"And why shouldn't I drink? I'm happy!"

She let it slide. Instead she got up, pulling the box 
out of the garbage and tossing it to him.

He read it. "What is this, this test?" he asked slowly.

"Ryan," she whispered. "I'm pregnant..."

It was good to get it out, now surely he would comfort 
her. But that's not what happened.

He looked at her for a second, then snapped, "Well this 
is just fucking bullshit!"

"Ryan!" she gasped.

"What d'ya mean, 'I'm pregnant?'" he demanded.

"What? I-I'm pregnant. Like, gonna have a baby!"

He paused. "What are you going to do with it?"

She stared at him. "What do you mean, what am 'I' going 
to do with it?!? What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean, what the hell are you going to do? Are you 
going to have an abortion or not?"

She sucked in her breath, her lungs filling with air. 
"NO I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE AN ABORTION!!!!" she screamed 
at him. "What's your problem?!?"

He jumped up. "My life was going so good right now! I 
can't afford a kid."

"Oh, so it's all my fault, is it?"

"Yes. Maybe it is."

"Why?! What, I got myself pregnant? What's your fucking 
problem?"

He looked at her. "You fucking did this on purpose, 
didn't you Jen?"

"What?" she whispered.

"You did this to keep me with you, to keep me from going 
somewhere else, huh?"

"Fuck you!" she screamed. "How dare you say that shit to 
me! How could you think I would do that?!?"

"Oh, yeah sure. Good move there. Real smooth. Maybe we 
should be considering our future anyway. I mean, we are 
moving away and all."

"What?" she gasped. "You're fucking breaking up with 
me?!? You fucking asshole!" she screamed.

"I didn't say that!" he yelled at her. "So, how long has 
it been?"

She seemed disoriented. "I don't know, like, a month 
maybe."

"Oh really? I wasn't even here a month ago! I went to 
UCLA with my parents! So, whose kid is this?"

"You, are the biggest fucking prick I have ever met in 
my life!!!" she sobbed. "Goddamn you James Ryan Harper!"

"Do you think I'm going to sit around and raise someone 
else's brat?!? I don't think so! Goddamn *you *Jen! I 
have worked too hard to get where I am right now. *Too* 
hard, got it?" he screamed, slurring his words.

She just stared at him. No longer crying, she was filled 
with anger. "Get out of my house!!!" she told him. "Get 
the fuck out!!!"

He closed his eyes for a second. "Listen, I'm leaving. 
I'll call you tomorrow," he told her calmly, stumbling 
as he walked to her door.

"No you won't!" she yelled. "Fuck you!"

He waved her away with his hand.

She sat down on her bed, her only thought being she 
needed to die. I'm gonna kill myself, she thought. Then 
he'll be sorry. I'm gonna fuckin' kill myself!

She lay on the bed, nearly hyperventilating, as she 
thought of how many pills she had at her disposal, and 
bleach.

The phone rang. She stared at it. She snatched it up 
angrily.

"Hello?" asked Dana's voice. "Hello?"

She sobbed into the phone, crying that she was going to 
kill herself. Dana freaked out, finally getting Jen to 
calm down enough to promise that she would stay right 
there until Dana could get there, and not to do 
anything.

***

She had stayed at Dana's house the next day, Dana's mom 
keeping an eye on her while she went to school. She just 
told her that Jen was really sick, and to check on her 
often. Dana was scared Jen would kill herself while her 
parents were at work. Dana and Jen went to the doctor 
like planned, and she received some counseling about her 
options.

She was still severely depressed, but Dana took care of 
her as she stayed over that night, making sure she 
showered, and ate, and did her homework. Ryan never 
called.

Wednesday she went back home with Dana, wondering if 
there would be a message from Ryan on her machine. There 
were several hang-ups, but it didn't mean it was Ryan, 
she thought. Then there was one from her doctor.

"Hi, Jen, this is Dr. Mason. I'm calling about the 
results of your test. I know you took a home pregnancy 
test that indicated you were in fact pregnant, and, but 
we checked your sample several times, and they all came 
out negative..."

Jen screamed, gasping while the message continued. Dana 
hugged her.

"...Now there does seem to be an excess of a certain 
type of hormone, which might lead to a positive result 
on certain types of tests. We should discuss possibly 
moving you to a different kind of contraceptive, so 
please call me..."

Dana was hugging her, and Jen was crying, so relieved.

"Oh my God, oh my God!" she gasped. "I can't believe it! 
Oh thank you Jesus!" Then she started to sob.

***

That night Jen stayed home by herself, doing her 
homework and pondering her life. It had changed her. She 
was different now, even from who she was a week ago. She 
hated Ryan, that much she knew. No one had ever hurt her 
as much as he had. He was selfish. It was over with him; 
she'd never hated anyone so much in her life, she told 
herself over and over. Part of her screamed that she was 
nothing without him, but she pushed those thoughts 
aside. He still hadn't called. I hate him, she thought 
fiercely.

She looked at her college catalogs, with the pictures of 
the laughing people at the games, and in the dorms. She 
began to get excited, ignoring the dull ache in her 
heart. She thought of all the guys she would meet. Me 
and Ryan were too serious, she told herself. It's good 
we broke up, she thought, even though she didn't believe 
it.

The phone rang. Maybe it's Ryan, she thought. She kicked 
herself for thinking that.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Jen, I'm sor..." Ryan's voice started to say. She hung 
up on him before he could finish.

Holding her pillow tightly and crying, she lay on her 
bed, hating him. How could she take him back when she 
hated him? She would never forgive him. He didn't really 
love her. He couldn't. He just liked to fuck her.

It rang again. She let the machine pick up.

"Jen, I know you're there. Come on, we need to talk. 
Please? I'm sorry I wasn't very understanding..."

She snatched up the phone. "Understanding? 
Understanding? Well isn't that the understatement of the 
century!" she screamed at him.

"Jen, I'm sorry! I was drunk, I didn't know what I was 
thinking," he begged. "I'm sorry babe!"

"Oh, no," she said calmly. "I don't think so. Whatever 
happened to not excusing someone's behavior because they 
were drunk? Don't you remember saying that to me? 
Remember Brett?"

"Come on, please. It's me, Ryan! We need to talk about 
this."

"Screw you."

"Come on!"

"Fuck you. We're through," she snapped, hanging up on 
him.

He didn't call back. He called Dana instead, but she 
yelled at him, telling him he was scum before she hung 
up on him too.


-= Chapter 29 =-

Matt had tried to forget about Jen after that night when 
they'd played poker, and told himself he had. He didn't 
see her anymore at Mike's. He asked another girl, 
Lindsay, to Homecoming. He liked her too. But he didn't 
ask her out, and eventually they stopped talking.

But Jen was always in the back of his mind, whenever he 
saw her he felt the same rush of nervousness, feeling 
sick to his stomach. One time during lunch, she walked 
by his group on her way to the parking lot. One of his 
friends said something about her, about her looks or 
something. Darin told them Matt was in love with her, 
and that she'd told him he had pretty eyes. Matt was 
humiliated, and felt sick again, when his friend, 
Michael (not Mike) grabbed her backpack as she walked 
by, saying, "Hey Matt! Look, it's your girl!" All his 
friends had laughed. She totally ignored them. She hates 
me, thought Matt.

He was pissed at Mike, too, because he found out from 
Darin that Mike had told Jen Matt had a crush on her. 
She never talked to him though. She must think I'm a 
dork, he thought, always insecure. He prayed he wouldn't 
see her much anymore.

But in the beginning of February she was on his track 
team, and he was elated inwardly. He knew he was going 
to start liking her again, although he had to admit he 
hadn't ever stopped. But he didn't want to like her, 
after all, it was pointless. He'd spent too much time 
already pining away after her.

But he was still happy, and he talked to her sometimes, 
hoping she wouldn't laugh at him.

She got sick once, and didn't come to school for three 
days in a row. He was disappointed. Mike said she was so 
sick she was at his house. Matt was jealous. But on 
Thursday she came to school, and they had a track meet, 
the first one of the year. It was just a practice meet. 
She was very quiet, and didn't smile at all. She must be 
sick still, he thought. She did her event, the hurdles, 
but came in second to last. She didn't look like she 
tried very hard, or even cared.

His parents came to watch him run towards the end. Jen 
was still being quiet, sitting by herself on the grass. 
His mom and dad were talking to some other parents, and 
Matt, Michael, and Terry sat and watched the final 
events next to them. Matt watched Jen though, instead. 
What's the matter? he thought. He wanted to give her a 
hug.

Terry noticed Matt staring at her, and laughed.

"Hey Jen!" he yelled. Matt freaked, telling Terry to 
shut up. He didn't though. "Come here!" he yelled at 
her.

She looked over at them, then looked away.

"Hey Jen," Terry yelled. "Matt has something to say to 
you!"

His parents were watching too, interested, and Matt felt 
like he was going to throw up. He kept telling them to 
shut up. Jen looked over again, and Terry yelled for 
her. She slowly got up and walked over to them. Matt 
didn't look at her.

She stood in front of him. "You wanted to say something 
to me?" she asked, slowly.

He shook his head, then looked away. She stared at him 
for a second, annoyed.

"Yuh huh you do!" laughed Terry. "He wants to tell you 
that he loves you."

"Shut up! I do not love you," he told her, rudely.

She raised her eyebrows at him, and started to walk 
away.

"No, wait Jen! Come back. Matt's just too shy to tell 
you how he really feels."

She stood there still, sighing. She looked so tired.

"Matt has a boner for you," added Michael. "He has wet 
dreams about you."

Matt's head spun. He was so humiliated. And his parents 
were right there, listening! "Shut up," he mumbled.

"Are you a virgin?" asked Terry. "Because Matt wants to 
know if you'll sleep with him."

She rolled her eyes at him, looking sad.

"Shut up!" Matt said. "She has a boyfriend," he added, 
hoping they would leave her alone.

She looked at him. "No I don't," she said, sounding 
disgusted at him. "I don't have one anymore."

His eyes widened. "You broke up?" he asked, 
incredulously. Why? he wondered. That's probably why she 
was gone.

She nodded.

"So, it's your big chance Matt!" said Terry. "He wants 
you bad," he told her. "Will you let him fuck you?"

"Fuck off," she said over her shoulder, walking away.

Did she mean for him to fuck off too? he wondered. She 
probably did. See, he thought, she hates me! She knows I 
like her and now she hates me. His parents were quiet. 
Thank God they didn't say anything. He sat there, hating 
his friends and his life until it was time to leave.

He called Mike, wanting to find out what had happened. 
Mike hadn't known they'd broken up, and he didn't 
believe it.

"She was probably kidding," he said.

"But she looked really sad," he told him.

"Hmm. I'll find out from Dana when she gets home. Hey 
dude, my parents are going away this weekend. I think 
Dana's having a party. Wanna come?"

"Sure!" he answered. Did he ever!


-= Chapter 30 =-

Ryan felt miserable. He felt sick. He couldn't remember 
what possessed him to say that shit to Jen. She was 
right, he was different around some of his friends, 
Darius among them. He felt like the biggest jackass on 
the planet. And the loneliest. And now Jen was going to 
have his baby, and he'd never see his child, or Jen, 
again. She'll forgive me, he thought. She has to. She 
fucking has to.

Thursday he showed up at her house. He had called 
earlier, but she'd hung up on him again. She heard his 
car in her driveway. She slammed her math book down on 
her bed.

He rang the doorbell, then came in anyway. She walked 
out of the hall, staring him down. Her parents were 
gone, luckily.

"Jen, please. Talk to me! I'm not going to take no for 
an answer."

"Get out."

"Don't do this. You can't stay mad at me forever. I 
don't want you to have an abortion. I'll marry you, I 
mean it!" he told her, pleading.

"It doesn't matter now. We're through." She shook her 
head, repeating, "It doesn't matter now."

"Yes it does matter!"

She closed her eyes for a moment, and then turned around 
and walked into her room. He followed her, sitting on 
her chair while she played the message from the doctor 
on the machine. He listened, then dropped his jaw.

"You're not pregnant? Oh yes!"

"Get out!" she screamed at him.

"Come on, don't be like that! I love you!"

"You don't love me! You never loved me!" she screamed. 
"You're not capable of love! You're only capable of 
loving yourself. I told you, get out! I'm gonna call the 
cops if you don't. I mean it!" she yelled.

"Just listen to me, okay? I'm telling you I'm sorry, and 
I mean it."

"I hate you Ryan."

He put his face in his hands. "I love you," he repeated 
in a whisper. "I fucking love you Jen!"

"It's over Ryan. It is over!"

He shook his head, saying, "No, baby, can't you forgive 
me? Please? I love you! Come on, just forgive me. You 
know we have to work at relationships!"

"Oh, don't *even* give me that. Don't even!" she 
screamed at him. "To a Goddamn extent, yes! This is 
different, oh my God is this different!

"Come on, Jen! Baby, I'm sorry!"

She closed her eyes again, shaking, covering her ears 
with her hands. She shook her head again.

She felt his touch on her shoulder, and her eyes flew 
open, pushing him away.

"You're not sorry. You don't understand, do you?"

"No, I do understand, but, I'm begging you. Come on, 
please forgive me," he begged, getting down on his knees 
in front of her.

"Asshole!" she screamed, backing away. "I hate you! The 
reason you think I should forgive you is because you 
don't understand what you did. You don't know how bad it 
was. You don't fucking understand how much you hurt me! 
You don't even understand! I hate you!" she sobbed.

"No, don't say that! I know, I hurt you. I wish I was 
dead. I never meant to hurt you. Please, don't break up 
with me."

"Break up with you? Me? Excuse me? You broke up with 
me!"

"No I didn't!"

"Oh, yes you did. You fucking did! Your actions told me 
you didn't want me. You broke up with me Monday night! 
Now we're fucking through!"

He shook his head, starting to cry. "No, I didn't! I 
need you, Jen! Please, don't do this to me!"

"To you! God, you are so selfish! You you you! Get out!" 
she screamed, running down the hall.

He followed her, grabbing her while she threw open the 
front door.

"Get out!" she repeating, still sobbing. "You fucking 
get out right now or I'll call the cops!"

"Jen..." he begged.

"You are not welcome here anymore," she told him, 
coldly. "Now leave!"

He backed away, staring at her, his eyes red from 
crying.

"Get out," she repeated.

He left, still staring at her, whispering, "Please... 
It's not over..."

She slammed the door in his face, locking it.

***

Jen lay on her bed. She thought for an hour, just 
thinking about what had just happened and what her life 
was now. She hadn't taken him back. Surely that was a 
sign of strength, that she hadn't given in. He had 
probably expected me to, she thought disgustedly. She 
would never take him back, ever.

Dana said she was going to have a party on Friday night, 
to cheer Jen up. Her parents were gone, and Jen said she 
wanted to get completely trashed.

The week before she had gone to the bookstore for 
something, and had met a guy who had been hitting on 
her. She didn't tell him she had a boyfriend, but just 
smiled and shook her head when he had asked for her 
number. He insisted on giving her his number though. He 
had been really cute, extremely good looking actually. 
What was his name? Kevin? Kasey? She couldn't remember. 
What had she done with the number? She searched her 
purse, finally finding the folded bank statement with 
the number on it. Kasey.

She looked at the number for awhile, dreaming of how 
great it would be if Ryan came over and she was talking 
to another guy, like she had gotten over him already. 
She called him.

He remembered her! He was nice, a bit quiet though. He 
had a friend over, and was talking to him off and on in 
the background. Jen hated that, when Ryan ever did that 
to her she used to hang up on him if he wouldn't stop. 
He would always call back, sorry. But she couldn't hang 
up on Kasey--he would think she hated him. She told him 
about the party at Dana's the next night. He seemed 
interested, and she gave him the address. He said he'd 
try to make it, and that maybe he'd see her there.

Finally she hung up, shaking, still hearing his voice in 
her head. It was a nice voice, she thought. She smiled, 
willing herself to like Kasey. That would hurt Ryan for 
sure, she thought. Then maybe he'd get it.


-= Chapter 31 =-

As soon as he showered after track practice, he went 
over to Mike's. He walked over; he didn't want his mom 
to ask to speak to Mike's mom when she dropped him off. 
He had tried to dress cool, in blue jeans and a long-
sleeved cotton shirt. He wondered if there would be any 
girls there, any *new* girls. He was pretty sure Jen 
would show up, but he knew she wasn't interested in him. 
But maybe she'll think I'm cute, he had reasoned, 
brushing his hair as he looked in the mirror. He even 
shaved, so his face was smooth. Maybe now that she 
doesn't have a boyfriend she'll be on the make for new 
guys, he hoped.

He asked Mike casually when he went over if he'd ever 
found out why they had broken up. He had said he would 
ask his sister. Mike told him the whole story.

Matt was shocked, saying over and over, "Whatta dick!" 
He couldn't believe the way he had treated her. What an 
asshole! He tried to imagine how scared Jen must have 
been when she thought she was pregnant. He felt relieved 
for her that she wasn't. He wondered if she would be 
really depressed that night. He wondered when she was 
going to show up. He was scared she never would.

Several of Dana's friends came over first, mostly 
seniors, a few juniors. There was one sophomore guy, who 
hung out with the seniors. Some of them looked 
unfamiliar, and Matt wondered if they went to different 
schools. That was a definite mark of coolness, he 
thought, to know people that you didn't even go to 
school with. Finally Jen showed up, and she didn't look 
depressed at all. She was laughing in fact, and smiled 
at Matt when she looked at him. She started to drink, 
getting even happier as the night wore on.

A couple of people gathered in the kitchen, and Matt sat 
at the table. Someone had given him a beer, and he tried 
to like it. It was disgusting though. It gave him a 
headache too, although he had to admit he started 
laughing a bit more easily. People were whispering about 
Jen and Ryan all night, and he strained his ears to hear 
what they were saying. He couldn't catch anything but 
their names though. The music was loud, and Jen insisted 
on playing this certain Rolling Stones song over and 
over. She got in a fight with this guy, who, ignoring 
her pleas, switched it to something else.

Pouting, she came back into the kitchen, grabbing 
another drink. She sat at the table, and Matt, in 
nervousness, started tapping his feet uncontrollably.

"What are you *doing*?" she asked him.

He was surprised. "Uh, nothing."

"You are so *silly*!" she told him, smiling.

He sat there in stunned silence, trying to think of 
something to say. But she continued talking to other 
people.

There were a lot of cute girls there, a lot of them were 
older. A couple girls who he didn't know asked him what 
grade he was in, and seemed surprised that he was a 
freshman. They told him he looked much older. But then 
they didn't pay much attention to him. A few freshman 
girls that Mike had invited all hung out with the older 
guys, and Matt felt depressed. It isn't fair, he 
thought.

He sat like a stone at the kitchen table, his head 
starting to hurt. He had only had one beer though, but 
he'd never drank before. Was he drunk? He didn't know.

Everyone was so happy around him, it seemed. Even Jen 
was laughing, and flirting it seemed, with guys. She had 
a whole flock around her. Matt felt sick.

Jen kept asking what time it was. Matt kept telling her. 
What was she waiting for? he wondered. Did she have to 
leave? He hoped not. He hoped they wouldn't let her 
drive.

Jen sat on the counter, crossing her legs. Matt stared 
at her, then looked away when she looked at him. She 
played with a pen, while some guy talked to her quietly. 
She didn't look at him. Matt was dying to know what they 
were talking about. Was he asking her to go back into 
one of the bedrooms with him?

A girl came in suddenly, saying something to Jen. Matt 
didn't hear the whole thing, except for Ryan's name. Jen 
turned pale, rubbing her legs nervously.

She shrugged. "I don't care," she said loudly. Matt 
could tell that wasn't the truth.

She continued talking to the guy, all of a sudden 
seeming to take a new interest in him. Ryan came in the 
kitchen, stopping as he saw her. She ignored him. Matt 
watched nervously. Would they fight? He hoped not. He 
didn't want to see her cry again.

Ryan walked up to her, and she looked down as he started 
to talk to her, not looking at him. The other guy paused 
and then left after Ryan stared him down.

Matt couldn't hear much of what they were saying. He 
wished someone would turn the stupid music down. He 
could tell he was trying to get Jen to talk to him. She 
wouldn't even look at him, though, ignoring him and 
playing with the pen. Good girl Jen, thought Matt.

Dana came in, and so did Corey, who hadn't been there 
before, both sitting at the table too. Listening as 
well. The loud music shut off, as someone turned on the 
television instead. Now they could hear.

"Will you please look at me?" begged Ryan.

Playing with the pen, it shot out in front of her, 
hitting the table and skidding onto the floor. Matt 
jumped. She started laughing.

"You're drunk," said Ryan.

"Yeah? And you know what? I was having a good time until 
a couple of minutes ago!" she told him.

"Let's go somewhere where we can talk."

"How about... not!" she laughed.

"Jen, please! I know I hurt you, but you can't just give 
up on me, on us."

"You know what Ryan? If you had hit me, that would have 
hurt me less than what you did," she said suddenly.

"Jen! You know I would never hit you!"

"Yeah, but if you had, it would have hurt me less!" she 
repeated.

He paused, staring at her. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. 
"I'm so sorry."

"That's nice. You're right though, you *are* sorry."

"Come on Jen!"

"Fuck you!" she snapped. Uh oh, thought Matt. "Go away!"

Ryan sighed. He didn't say anything, just stood there 
next to her.

"Did he ever show up?" asked Dana suddenly, completely 
randomly.

Jen smiled at her. "No," she said, sounding annoyed. "He 
didn't! I called him but he wasn't there."

"Oh, well, he hadn't *promised* that he would come."

"Yeah, he hadn't *promised*," said Jen.

"Who?" asked Ryan. Matt was wondering the same thing.

Jen didn't answer.

"Who are you talking about?" he repeated. "Oh, I get it. 
Gimme a break, Jen! I'm not about to believe you're over 
me already! Not after three years!"

"Well can't you let me try?!?" she demanded, sounding 
upset.

"That's the last thing I'm about to do."

"Why did you have to come, Ryan?" she whined. "You 
ruining my night! I was having fun until you came!"

"Jen, please!"

She jumped off the counter, running down the hall. Ryan 
started to follow her, but she came back into the 
kitchen immediately.

She held out a white business envelope to him, saying, 
"Take it. This is yours..."

"What is it?" he asked.

"Take it," she repeated, handing it to him.

He took it, opening it. He shook his head furiously, 
saying, "Jen, no! No! This is yours! Jen, it's not over, 
come on!" he whispered, taking the small shiny item out 
of the envelope and trying to give it to her.

She wouldn't take it, saying, "No. I don't want it. You 
know, it doesn't have my name on it. It's not useless; 
I'm sure you can always give it to someone else," she 
said nonchalantly.

Ryan bit his lip, trying not to cry in front of 
everyone. He shook his head again, slowly. "No, Jen! 
Don't say that. I could never give it to anyone else. 
This is your ring. Take it."

"No," she said coolly.

He stared at her.

"I don't want it. It's a lie," she told him.

His eyes widened, and he shook his head furiously. Matt 
saw a tear run down one cheek. "It's not..." Ryan 
whispered.

She nodded. "Yes it is. It is! You said you'd always be 
here for me. And you weren't! When I needed you *most* 
you weren't there!" she accused him, her voice wavering. 
Matt wondered if she was about to cry. "When I needed 
you you spat on me! On our whole fucking relationship! 
You told me to fuck off. You can have your stupid 
fucking ring."

"I'm sorry!" he said again. "I take it back, baby, I do! 
You and I belong together. I'm so sorry. Don't you love 
me anymore? Take the ring; it's yours anyway," he 
whispered.

"No."

He swallowed, then grabbed her hand, forcing her to take 
the ring. She yelped, trying to twist away.

"This is your ring!" he repeated. "I won't take it back. 
Even if you don't take me back," he whispered, in tears. 
"I *won't* take it back."

"Oh yeah?" she asked him, backing away from him, holding 
the ring in a clenched fist in front of her. "This is my 
ring? To do with what I want?" she stumbled. "Fine," she 
laughed. She spun on her heal, nearly tripping as she 
ran into the hall. He took a step forward to follow her, 
but then stopped. They heard the toilet flush, and he 
stepped back suddenly.

She came back into the kitchen triumphantly. Everyone 
was staring at her, except for Ryan, who was back 
leaning against the counter, crying silently.

"That's what I think of the ring," she told him, 
although it was unnecessary.

"I love you," he whispered.

She just looked at him. Matt wondered if she would give 
in, if she would say she loved him too. Her face was 
expressionless.

"Well, I guess you really blew it then, didn't you?" she 
told him coldly.

He wiped his eyes, staring at her, and she stared right 
back. He walked out of the kitchen, Corey following him. 
The door slammed as they left.

Jen stood there, shaking, not looking as confident as 
she had a minute ago. There were a lot more people in 
the kitchen, who had come to listen when they heard her 
yelling.

"Jen!" exclaimed Dana. "Oh my God! I can't believe you 
flushed his ring down the toilet!"

"What? Why?" Jen asked, disoriented. "It's over. I don't 
care."

"Oh, Jen, I think he's sorry. You guys will get back 
together."

"No we won't!"

"Come on," Dana said. "You should forgive him."

"Why? Who the hell's side are you on, anyway?" she 
snapped.

"Your side! But come on, he loves you!"

"No, he doesn't love me. He doesn't!" she yelled. "If 
he's so great, why don't you go out with him!"

"Oh come off it!"

"Screw you! You're supposed to be on my side. 
Everybody's against me," she said, starting to cry.

"We're not against you! Jen, hey come on Jen!" Jen had 
fled down the hall, slamming the bathroom door shut 
behind her.

Dana pounded on the door, concerned Jen was trying to 
kill herself. Jen kept telling her to fuck off. Finally, 
she came out, crying still.

Dana hugged her, as did a couple other friends of hers, 
telling her she should just lay down and try to rest. 
Matt stood at the end of the hall as the big group took 
her, protesting, into Dana's room. Then they all came 
out, turning off the light so Jen could sleep.

Matt was concerned, and part of him wanted to sneak in 
there and look at her. Maybe kiss her cheek, and cover 
her up with the blanket like Ryan had done that time. 
But she'd probably tell him to get out. He wished he was 
home, in his own bed.

He resigned himself to watching television. As it got 
later, more people left. Dana was drunk, and laying on 
the floor talking to some guy. Mike sat in a chair in 
the living room, watching TV with him. But some chick 
was sitting on Mike's lap, and they were both giggling. 
Pretty soon they got up and went down the hall. A few 
other people sat in the kitchen, talking and finishing 
the rest of the alcohol off. Matt had never felt so 
alone.

He wanted to go to bed, but knew he wouldn't be able to 
fall asleep. He had figured he'd sleep in Mike's room 
like he usually did, but he guessed not. His head still 
hurt, but not as much. He was grateful he hadn't drunk 
more. Or maybe he should have gotten smashed, so he 
could have been passed out by now.

He heard Jen come down the hall. She looked really gone, 
her eyes were swollen, and she had dark circles under 
them. But she was still beautiful, he thought. She 
walked by them, nearly falling down as she opened the 
front door.

Dana sat up. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"Home," Jen mumbled. "I'm goin' home."

"No, Jen!" Dana exclaimed, getting to her feet dizzily. 
She grabbed her hand, trying to pull her back inside. 
"Stay here. You can't leave. You're drunk!"

"No, I can drive," Jen stumbled. "It's not very far."

"No you're drunk!" Jen started to cry again. "It's okay, 
I'm drunk too! We're both drunk. We're sisters!"

Jen started to laugh, then cry again. "Well, then I'll 
walk home. I need to get home!" she sobbed.

"No, you're staying here!"

"No. You can't stop me from leaving. I gotta go. There's 
things I need to do at home."

"No there's not. You stay here."

"No! I'm leaving," she sobbed, heading out into the 
black night.

"Wait, Jen! Stay!" yelled Dana after her. "I'll get 
someone to drive you home! Just a minute, okay? Come 
back here, though."

Matt still sat there, watching quietly. Jen stood in the 
doorway, crying. I could drive her home, he thought. 
Driving is easy. Unless it's a stick shift. I can 
probably drive an automatic.

Dana ran into the kitchen. Everyone there was drunk, 
still drinking. Nobody could drive, Matt heard them all 
saying it.

The guy on the floor looked at Matt, sitting on the 
couch quietly. "Hey, why don't you take her home?" he 
slurred. "Are you drunk?"

Matt shook his head.

Dana looked at him. "No, he's a freshman. He can't 
drive."

"Well she doesn't live far. He can walk her home. He's 
just a freshman, nothing's gonna happen," the guy told 
her.

Matt blushed.

"Yeah, Matt," said Dana, looking at him. "Okay. Can you 
walk her home? It would be a big favor. Make sure she 
gets home safely. Please?"

"Sure," he said, standing up and glancing nervously at 
Jen. "No problem."


-= Chapter 32 =-

Matt finally talked to Mike. Mike was being such a prick 
to him, acting like he did rape her or something. Matt 
got mad. His friend's whole attitude seemed to be that 
he wasn't good enough for Jen. Fuck Mike, he thought 
angrily.

Matt was still angry otherwise. It had changed him of 
course, the whole thing. Maybe it had been a learning 
experience. Well, obviously it had been a learning 
experience, he thought. He felt liked he'd matured, aged 
several years in the period of a few weeks. It gave him 
more confidence. But at the same time he had lost faith 
in people, in girls especially.

He hadn't ever called her. He hoped it would send the 
message that he didn't need her. He resented her in a 
way. She was so full of it, he thought. He hurt inside 
still, especially when he thought about how she'd told 
him they could be friends. They never talked though. 
They barely acknowledged each other. She wasn't *mean* 
to him, and she said hi when she saw him, but it didn't 
seem like she was really making an effort to be his 
friend. She probably just said we can be friends to get 
me out of her face, he thought bitterly.

She'll be leaving soon, he thought. She was graduating 
in a few months. Then maybe she'd move far away to go to 
school. He hoped the knowledge that she would be gone 
soon would force him to forget about her, but it wasn't 
happening.

She was different too, he noticed. She had a different 
look about her, no longer sweet looking, laughing and 
smiling all the time. There was just a darker look in 
her eyes, if you could call it that. Maybe she resented 
him, he wondered. He wondered if it hadn't been for him, 
maybe she would have gotten back together with Ryan. I 
don't care anyway, he told himself.

He always looked forward to practice though. There was 
still almost two months left of the season, he reasoned. 
That was practically the only time he ever saw her 
anyway. They talked some, he admitted. But only about 
superficial things. Not like they were friends. I don't 
like her anymore anyway, he thought.

He decided he liked Lauren, a girl in his English class. 
He sat next to her, and he thought she flirted with him. 
Ha, he thought triumphantly one day, when he was walking 
out of class with Lauren, laughing about something. Jen 
walked by, and looked at them. He ignored her, hoping 
she'd think he never cared about her in the first place, 
and that maybe he had been using her for sex. He hoped 
she was dwelling on it, hurting inside as much as he 
did.

His high spirits came crashing down one day during 
practice. The whole team was waiting for the coach to 
come. Some people were playing Frisbee, others sitting 
in small groups on the grass. He noticed a couple of 
guys, stoners, he thought. They were just standing 
there, looking towards the team. He didn't think much 
about them.

But then they walked by, slowly, as though they were 
leaving. One guy hung back, stopping to watch the 
Frisbee game as though it were interesting. He glanced 
over at them, sitting in the bleachers. His friend 
continued on, pausing several yards ahead, to wait for 
his friend.

Matt noticed a girl, Carrie, poking Jen. Carrie was a 
junior, and she and Jen hung out sometimes during 
practice. He could hear what they were saying.

"Go see him," Carrie was insisting. "He wants to talk to 
you!"

Jen was hesitant. "No, maybe he's not here to see me. He 
might be here for something else..."

"Oh, like what? To watch the Frisbee game? Come on, go 
see him!"

Jen still hung back. "Well..."

"If you don't I'm going to call him over here and tell 
him you want to talk to him. What's his name, Kasey?"

"No, don't! Come on. I'll go over there in a minute. He 
could come see me..."

Carrie looked over at the guy, dragging his shoe in the 
dirt, standing by himself. He glanced over at them and 
looked away. Matt felt sick; they like each other! he 
realized. She's gonna go out with him!

"Oh, Jen! He's shy!" said Carrie.

Jen said nothing.

"Oh, Jen! *You're* shy!" Carrie exclaimed. "Are you shy 
Jen?"

Jen blushed. "No! It's just that, I don't know."

"See, you went out with that other guy for so long that 
you forgot what to do, huh?"

"I don't know..." Jen trailed. "Maybe..."

"Just go talk to him. I can tell he wants to see you. If 
you don't I'll call him over here!" she threatened.

"Fine, okay," sighed Jen. She paused, then stood up. 
Matt watched as she tried to casually walk over to the 
guy. The guy, Kasey? Matt wondered, smiled at her, 
reaching out to hold her hand briefly. They stood close 
together, talking and smiling at each other. Matt 
wondered if they were going to kiss, they were leaning 
in so close. He looked away, but couldn't keep his eyes 
off her, and them. He felt like a fool, thinking how 
stupid he was to think she would be hurting by his 
ignoring her. Fool, he thought to himself.

Finally, they parted, him holding her hand again as he 
slowly walked away. He didn't turn around to see her, 
still standing there. He rejoined his friend and they 
left.

Jen watched him walk away, then turned and, blushing 
Matt noticed, walked back towards Carrie and the rest of 
the group.

"See! What'd he say? Did he ask you out?" Carrie 
demanded.

"No!" Jen smiled. "But he did come here to see me..."

"Duh!"

"He didn't have my phone number," Jen continued. "He 
lost it. But he knew I went here and did track."

"So, is he gonna call you?"

Jen nodded.

"Are you gonna go out with him?"

She shrugged.

"Jen!" exclaimed Carrie. "He's so cute! He totally likes 
you too, I can tell. Why don't you want to go out with 
him?"

She shrugged again. "I don't know, I didn't say that. I 
don't know..." she repeated.

"What's your problem? Don't you want a boyfriend?"

"I don't know... Like you said, I mean, I just broke up 
with someone after three years. I mean, I want a 
boyfriend, but I don't know. You think I should go out 
with Kasey?" she asked shyly.

"Yes!" Carrie answered firmly.

"Why don't you go out with Matt?" asked Terry suddenly, 
who'd been a witness to the whole thing as Matt had.

Both girls turned around, looking at Matt and Terry 
sitting behind them.

"What?" Jen asked.

"You should go out with Matt," said Terry. "Why don't 
you?"

She looked at him. "Well, me and Matt are just friends. 
We already talked about it," she told him.

"Well, you don't act like your friends with him," he 
pointed out. "Why don't you ever talk to him?"

Matt muttered his usual "shut up,' which was, like 
usual, ignored. But his temper suddenly flashed before 
Terry or Jen could say anything else.

"Why don't you FUCK OFF?" he said angrily to Terry, but 
while staring Jen right in the eyes.

Her eyes widened, and she stared at him. He realized his 
mistake, and turned to Terry.

"Just fuck off," he told him. "Will ya?"

"God, Matt! Sorry!" he answered.

"You'd better be," he told him, still angry. He'd had 
enough of his friends' shit.

Jen was still looking him in the eye. She didn't look 
mad, but just looked at him. Then she smiled, and turned 
away.

***

The next day was an ordinary day, i.e. they didn't talk, 
just did their own thing. At the end of practice Matt 
was bringing in some stuff into the equipment room with 
a few other guys. It was a big heavy mat, for the high 
jumpers, and they were laughing and breathing hard as 
they finally got it to the door. Laughing, they dropped 
the pit onto the ground. Matt halted, seeing Jen in 
there with a guy. It was Ryan.

Jen was in tears, practically. They stopped talking, 
looking over at the guys staring in at them. Jen's eyes 
met Matt's, then Ryan's did. He looked back at Jen. What 
could he say? She was still near tears, obviously upset. 
Ryan looked either angry or earnest.

He asked the main thing on his mind. "You okay, Jen?"

Ryan gave him a dirty look. "Yeah, she's okay! She's 
with me, alright?"

Jen narrowed her eyes at Ryan, who was still glaring at 
Matt.

Matt wasn't going to run away. Not this time. "Yeah, 
well then why's she upset?" he countered.

He took a step toward Matt, but Jen jerked him back. 
"Leave him alone!" she snapped. "He never did anything 
to you! He never touched anything of *yours*!" she 
seethed.

He stepped closer to her, staring her dead in the eye. 
He leaned in. "I made you mine two years ago," he 
whispered fiercely, loud enough that Matt could hear. 
"You will *always* be mine."

Ryan stepped back, and she stood there, frozen. He 
stared at her some more, then turned and walked out, 
giving Matt a disgusted look.

Matt wanted to hit him, but he was already walking away. 
Instead he looked over at Jen, still standing there, 
shaking. He walked toward her, touching her lightly on 
her shoulder. "You okay?" he repeated.

She jumped from his touch. "What? Yeah, I'm fine," she 
told him, looking around.

"Yeah?" he asked her. "What, is he still trying to get 
you to come back to him?" he asked, curious, and wanting 
to comfort her, maybe help her.

She nodded tearfully. "I hate him," she whispered. "I 
hate him Matt..." The tears began to fall.

He awkwardly put his arm around her, and she went to 
him, needing to be held. He put both his arms around 
her, hugging her tight. He looked over at the other guys 
still staring in. He motioned for them to leave, feeling 
like she needed him, and he was being there for her. 
Isn't that what she wants? he asked himself. Someone to 
be there for her?

"It's okay," he whispered. "Don't cry..."

It was too much like that night, only a few weeks ago. 
It seemed an eternity longer than that to him though. 
She cried on his shoulder, and he shushed her, telling 
her it was alright, just trying to be there for her. But 
now there was no "danger" of sex. Or was there? he 
wondered. He'd still take her, if that's what she 
wanted. Maybe she was now realizing, in his arms, that 
he *was* what she needed? he wondered. Maybe she's 
thinking she really *does* like me like that, he hoped. 
She felt so good in his arms, against his chest, as he 
held her tightly. It was so right, *so* right he 
thought, as he fought his own tears back.

They stood there for awhile, hugging each other until 
her crying stopped. She pulled away, wiping her eyes. He 
stared down at her. She smiled awkwardly.

"I'm sorry..." she began. "I'm sorry, I just needed a 
hug I guess..."

He shook his head. "No, Jen, you apologize too much. I 
understand."

She smiled again weakly. "I'm just- I don't know, it's 
so horrible right now. It's like I'm dead, and I just 
don't know it..."

He nodded. "Yeah, I know what you mean," he told her.


-= Chapter 33 =-

Matt sat on his parents bed, staring at the phone. He'd 
been planning on calling Jen. He kept telling himself he 
could call her. Now he was chickening out again. But it 
wasn't like she hated him, he told himself. They did 
have some sort of relationship. They had slept together, 
and still talked to each other.

Okay, now, he thought. He picked up the phone and dialed 
her number. He knew it by heart.

She picked up instantly. "Hello?"

"Jen? Hi, it's Matt... You know, from track?"

"Yeah, I know who you are," she sort of laughed. "What's 
up?"

"Oh, nothing. What are you doing?"

"Nothing. Talking on the phone actually..."

"Oh yeah?" Did she mean to me? he wondered.

"Yeah. But I'm glad you called," she told him.

"Oh, thanks... Who are you talking to?" he asked, 
curious.

"Oh, just this guy..."

His heart sank. "Oh."

"I've been trying to get off with him forever. Can you 
hold on?"

"Sure." He heard the click as she went back to the other 
line, then a minute later she clicked back. He heard 
another click as the other line hung up.

"So, what's up?" she asked him.

"Oh, nothing much..."

"Yeah, same here. I was doing my homework when the guy 
called."

"Oh. Do you have to go?" he asked her, disappointed.

"No, I don't have to go."

"Oh, that's good."

"Yeah..."

Silence. He couldn't think of anything to say. His mind 
swam. "So who were you talking to before?" He cringed, 
now it sounded like he was jealous, or possessive, or 
nosy, or...

"Oh, just this guy, Mitch. I don't know him that well. 
He's kind of annoying actually."

"Really? Does he go to our school?"

"Nah, he goes to school with Ryan. That's how I met 
him."

"Oh, are they friends?" He asked even though he didn't 
want to talk about Ryan.

"Kinda. Not really though. I don't know. Anyway since me 
and him broke up Mitch thinks he's my fucking best 
friend."

Matt was surprised. Jen sounded really annoyed. "Really? 
What, does he call you all the time?"

"Yeah. I mean, he's nice and all, but I don't want to go 
out with him, you know? And I guess maybe he thinks I 
do. I don't know, we talked a bunch, and I told him a 
lot of personal stuff. Maybe 'cause I needed someone to 
talk to. You ever do that?"

"Yeah," he said, even though he hadn't really.

"Well anyway he calls me too much and he like, gets all 
upset if I say I have to go. But oh well. So how are 
you?"

"I'm good. The same."

"That's good. God, it seemed like this year just 
started, huh? But there's only a couple of months left."

"Yeah, I know. It's gone so fast."

"I can't believe I'm almost graduating. High school will 
be over. It's so scary, it hasn't seemed like four years 
at all. Maybe one year. It goes too fast."

"Yeah, I know! Where are you gonna go?"

"Oh, I don't know yet. I haven't heard back from all the 
schools I've applied to. I don't know..."

"Oh..." He couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I'm glad you called, you know..."

"Really?" he asked.

"Yeah! You know, I'm really sorry about what happened. I 
wish we could have gotten to know each other in a 
different way."

"No, it's not that bad. But I know what you mean."

"Yeah, I just feel really bad. I feel guilty."

"You shouldn't! I'm serious!"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. But you regret it," he told her suddenly, 
admitting it to himself.

"Well, I wouldn't say I regret it regret it... I mean, I 
wish it wasn't like that. I was drunk, and on the 
rebound, you know? So I wish that could have been 
different..."

"Yeah, I know."

"You regret it though?"

"Regret it?" he asked in amazement. "It was the best 
fucking night of my life!" he told her, laughing.

"Matt! Really?" she asked, flattered.

"Uh, yeah." He added seriously, "But I guess I do regret 
the other stuff that came with it."

"Ryan..."

"Well, yeah. And you," he told her, his heart racing.

"Me? What about me?"

"Well, I mean, I don't know. Now it's awkward I guess. 
And it hurts, that you don't like me," he told her 
suddenly.

"Matt," she said. "I told you, I'm sorry. I am. I'm so 
sorry..."

He didn't say anything, trying not to cry.

"I am. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," he said. "I know that. Nah, don't worry about 
it, really. I'll be okay."

"No, I mean it! I like you Matt, really."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! It wouldn't have been so nice, it if weren't for 
you."

"Huh? What, you liked it?" he asked shyly.

She laughed. "Yeah, you know I did. You know, you were a 
fantastic lover, Matt," she told him seriously.

"Really?" he asked, delighted. "You thought so?"

"Yeah, not that I've had so many or anything. But that's 
not what I meant I guess. I mean, because you cared 
about me I guess."

"I did... I do!"

"Yeah, I mean, that's why it was so nice. If you hadn't 
wanted more, it would have hurt me a lot. 'Cause I don't 
go around having sex with every guy, you know? But 
that's why I feel bad, because I can't give you more. 
But I needed you to want more, for me. Isn't that 
selfish?"

He was quiet, thinking. "I don't know, maybe."

"Well I'm sorry. I hope you don't like, resent me or 
anything one day."

"Oh, I won't! I could never resent you, Jen."

"Really? Thanks."

"No problem," he told her.

He talked to her for awhile longer, half an hour maybe. 
Not about anything too serious. When they finally hung 
up he was so happy, relieved. He could safely say he was 
friends with her. He wanted to be there for her, like 
she needed.

***

Matt thought it was funny, how his moods were always 
changing. One minute he was so happy, then the next he 
was miserable. Like he went to bed so thrilled that 
night after he had talked to Jen on the phone, but the 
next night he was sad. He had tried to talk to her that 
day but she was different.

She's embarrassed to be seen with me, he thought 
painfully. That must be it. He had sat with her as she 
and Carrie talked about Kasey and Mitch, and how Mitch 
called her all the time and Kasey never did. She thought 
Mitch was weird, and that Ryan had thought he did 
steroids. She wasn't really telling Matt any of this 
stuff, he was just sitting there, hoping to be a part of 
the conversation. But after awhile he felt like he was 
eavesdropping, and he got up and walked away without 
saying anything. He didn't think she even noticed.

A few days later he was sitting after track, waiting for 
his mom to pick him up. His mom insisted on driving him 
ever since Ryan had jumped him. There were several other 
people there, including Jen. They were hanging around, 
watching the baseball game. He went to go get his bag, 
which he had left by the track, and when he came back 
Jen was sitting where had been. So he sat next to her, 
and she continued talking to some other people.

"Oh shit!" she suddenly gasped.

"What?" demanded Carrie.

"Fuck. It's Mitch over there," she told her. "With the 
gray sweatshirt. Fuck, he's gonna see me!"

"He's probably here to see you," Carrie told her. 
"Didn't you tell him to get lost?"

"Yes! I told him I didn't want to go out with him. He 
thinks I'm his girlfriend, I swear! He got kinda mad but 
then he was okay."

Mitch was walking towards them. He was strong, Matt 
could tell, but not that tall. He was holding something 
in his hand. A rose, Matt noticed. Jen did too.

She stood up when he came up to them.

"Hi," he smiled at her.

"Hi Mitch," she said. "Um, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, thanks," he teased. "Here, this is for you..." He 
held out the rose.

She didn't take it. "What's that for?" she asked him.

"For you! I'm sorry we fought."

"We didn't fight," she told him.

"Yeah we did!"

"About what?"

"You know!"

"Mitch," she sighed. "I told you, I can't see you..."

He looked mad. "What? Not even like this, see me?"

"I told you, I'm not your girlfriend!"

He paused. "Yeah, and?"

"Well you shouldn't have brought me a flower. I'm sorry, 
but..."

"Oh, what?"

"I told you, we're not going out. I'm sorry if you think 
that, but we're not. Anyway I can't deal with a 
relation..."

He interrupted her. "Man, Jen. Ryan really fucked you 
up, didn't he?" he demanded rudely.

Her jaw dropped. Then she narrowed her eyes at him. "Go 
to hell, Mitch," she told him coldly.

Jen started to turn around, away from him, when his arm 
flew out. His fist struck her in the mouth, hard. She 
cried out, the blow nearly knocking her over as she was 
spun around. She pressed her hand to her mouth.

By that time Matt had already jumped up and hit Mitch in 
the face as hard as he could. Mitch was startled, almost 
as startled as Matt was. But he butted into Matt, 
knocking him back against the wall.

Jen cried out, and one of the coaches, who had come 
running when he saw her get hit, jumped on them. He 
pulled them apart, and Mitch fought him off. Matt still 
tried to hit him, but soon there were too many adults 
separating them. A huge crowd had gathered.

It had happened so fast. Someone got Jen some ice, and a 
campus aide called the police. Matt tried to talk to 
Jen, but she just shook her head, in shock. Mitch was 
desperately trying to apologize to her before they moved 
him into one of the athletic offices. She wouldn't talk 
to him, she wouldn't even look at him. She didn't cry, 
just sat there clutching the ice pack to her mouth.

Brian, Ryan's friend, and Jen's, finally got her to 
talk. He had his arm around her, comforting her. Soon 
she began to look really mad.

"I'm gonna kick his ass," Brian told her.

"No!" she sighed. "Brian, he's not even worth it. Don't 
worry about it."

"No way. No real man hits a woman, ever. The guy's 
dead."

"I told you, don't bother yourself over him. I hate him, 
I'm sure he'll leave me alone after this, so don't worry 
about it. Maybe they'll make him get counseling or 
something."

"Ryan's gonna kill him," he told her quietly.

She looked over at him. "Brian, no! Okay?"

"Jen, he's gonna find out about it. There's too many 
people here for the game. I bet he probably already 
knows!"

"No, I don't want to deal with this fucking shit. Ryan 
has no business with this. This is none of his business. 
Tell him that, okay?"

"Jen!" exclaimed Ryan. "Ryan's gonna freak! He still 
loves you, more than anything. There's no way he'd ever 
let someone hurt you and not do anything about it!"

"I don't care! I don't want either of them in my life, 
got it? Besides, this is nothing compared to how much 
Ryan hurt me. "

"But still. Aright, I'll tell him you want him to stay 
out of this, okay? But if he kills Mitch it's not my 
fault."

"I know," she sighed.

Two officers came to talk to Jen, filing the report. She 
didn't want to press charges, but Carrie and Brian 
insisted that she did. Matt's mom showed up then, 
surprised to see cops next to her son.

Matt was thankful his mom didn't freak too much.

"My lip's gonna get huge," she complained, to nobody in 
particular.

"Nah, I wouldn't worry about it," Matt told her.

"Well it's not like I have anyone to look pretty for 
anyway," she muttered.

Matt didn't say anything.

His mom was talking to one of the cops. She motioned for 
him, that it was time to leave. He stood up, slowly 
putting his backpack on.

"Matt?" Jen asked.

He looked at her. She gave him a small smile, then 
pulled him to her, giving him a hug.

"Thanks..." she whispered.

"No problem," he smiled at her.

She gave him another tiny smile, then turned and said 
something to someone else.

He didn't talk much in the car, and his mom was quiet 
too. They talked about what he wanted for dinner, but 
not Jen or his actions.

His mom told his dad the whole story of course, while he 
took a shower.

His dad gave him a hug later. "You shouldn't fight 
Matt," he told him. "But I'm proud of you. I would have 
done the same thing in your place."

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Yeah. And if this girl doesn't like you, then she's the 
one who's missing out."

Matt shrugged. His dad gave him another hug.


-= Chapter 34 =-

Ryan thought about his options. He was furious, first of 
all. But he was slowly and painfully beginning to accept 
that Jen wasn't coming back to him. Part of him couldn't 
acknowledge that, and that's the part that wanted to 
kill Mitch. He'd fucking hit her! He couldn't believe 
it. The other half was telling him she wanted him out of 
her life.

She had been right, he hadn't realized the extent of 
what he had done. That was why he just assumed she would 
forgive him. He replayed it over and over in his mind, 
trying to black out his words and replace them with the 
right ones. But he couldn't, he couldn't ever take them 
back.

What Jen had said at Dana's party was just now sinking 
in, and Mitch hitting her made him realize for the first 
time the extent of what he had done. It made him feel 
worse, and hate himself more. He wondered if she still 
would rather go out with Mitch than Ryan. After all, 
she'd said that if he had hit her, it would have hurt 
her less. What could he do? She hates me, he thought. I 
did blow it.

Maybe he could at least call her? Not like he was trying 
to get back with her. Just to say he'd heard what had 
happened, and he felt bad for her and he hoped she felt 
better. Like he would for any girl he knew. Would she 
hang up on me? he wondered. He knew she might.

He was planning on doing it, but he was too nervous. 
It's too soon, he thought. I'll do it tomorrow.

He was horrified when he first found out that she'd 
slept with the freshman. He'd cried for hours. Then he 
was angry, and he took it out physically on Matt. He 
hated him, of course, besides. But he knew he didn't 
rape her, even if he had to tell himself he did so he 
could hit him harder.

He knew it was Jen's way of hurting him, even if she 
didn't realize that herself. It had worked, nothing 
could have been worse than her sleeping with another 
guy, not after what they'd been through. He hadn't ever 
imagined they could break up. He loved her more than 
anything, more every day, even though she hated him.

His family tried to cheer him up. But they were mad at 
him too, especially his dad, even though they tried not 
to show it. His brothers didn't know why she'd left him, 
but his parents did. Josh had told his dad, big mouth. 
His dad was furious at Ryan, for his disgusting 
behavior. It just made Ryan feel worse, and his dad 
didn't say much to him. He only asked him if he would 
ever treat a girl that way again. Ryan said never. His 
dad said he'd figured he learned his lesson.

Maybe he should just call her anyway. He stared at the 
phone, remembering when he could count on talking to her 
every night. If he hadn't called her by nine, she would 
always call him. I took her for granted, he thought.

But he called her anyway. He hadn't ever taken her 
number off speed-dial on his phone. His heart pounded in 
his ears as it rang.

"Hello?"

"Uh, hi..."

She paused. "Hi."

"Um, it's Ryan..."

"I know who it is."

"Oh, well, how are you?"

"Fine," she told him.

"That's good. I-I heard about what happened, with that 
Mitch guy. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Well, don't worry about it."

"I-I wasn't! I mean, I just wanted to see if you were 
okay..."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Gonna have a fat lip, but that's 
about it."

"Well, it could have been worse."

"Yeah, you're right. He could have gone out with me for 
three years then told me to fuck off," she said 
sarcastically.

He couldn't think of anything to say. He was about to 
say that he never said that, but he knew he had, without 
words. She was still so angry at him. "I'm sorry," he 
said, even though he knew it wouldn't help.

"Yeah, so am I." The way she said it he knew she was 
sorry he'd done it, not sorry she hadn't forgiven him. 
Or maybe sorry she'd ever met him.

"Well, so I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Yeah, I am."

"Maybe I'll see you later?"

"Ryan," she sighed. "Don't. We can't be friends, we 
can't! Don't you know that?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't know... maybe."

"No. There's just no way. It's just impossible."

He paused. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Yeah... You have some stuff over here by the way."

"Oh yeah?" he asked, sadly. He knew he did, he'd 
practically lived at her house. Getting his stuff seemed 
so final.

"Yeah. Some notebooks. And your black baseball hat, and 
some other clothes. I don't care when you pick them up," 
she said coldly.

"Oh. Okay, I-I'll get them sometime soon. I promise."

She didn't say anything. His last two words hung in the 
silence, "I promise."

He tried not to cry. "Bye," he muttered.

She hung up.

He slowly hung up himself. He lay back down on his bed, 
staring at his books. He opened them, feeling numb, but 
he couldn't study. What was he going to do now? He had 
friends, but he'd just lost the best one he'd ever had. 
It was like a part of him had been ripped out. He felt 
hollow inside.

He reflected some more, something he'd been doing all 
the time lately. He tried to push the memories out of 
his mind, but he couldn't.

A knock came on his door.

"Come in," he sighed, picking up his book again.

Will came in. "Hi," he said glumly. "What are you 
doing?"

"Nothing. Just studying."

His brother sat at his desk. "I need some advice about 
girls," he said.

Ryan didn't say anything. His brothers came to him all 
the time for advice, but they had pretty much left him 
alone since Jen had left him.

"Well since- are you busy?"

"No. I'm probably not the best guy to ask though," he 
sighed. "What's the matter?"

"Well, you know Andie? Well I don't think she likes me 
anymore. I mean this other guy, Travis, likes her too. 
And she talks to him in class all the time and they 
passed a note today. What should I do? I love her a 
lot."

"Will, you don't know anything about love," Ryan said 
disgustedly. "You're only ten!"

"Yes I do!" His face crumpled. Ryan felt bad. Will was 
as much of a mama's boy as Ryan had been, "wearing his 
heart on his sleeve," as their dad said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just, I don't 
know. Well, who does she like?"

He shrugged. "I don't know! Alex told her I still liked 
her but she said she didn't know who she liked. It's not 
fair. How can I get her to still go with me?"

Ryan sighed, shaking his head. "You can't. I mean you 
just have to make it so she *wants* to go out with you."

"How do I do that?"

"Treat her nice. And just hope that she doesn't like 
anyone else better."

Will paused. "Did Jen like someone else better?" he 
asked quietly.

Ryan looked at him sharply. Will sat there at his desk, 
sitting on his hands, looking at him seriously. He 
looked just like Ryan, everybody said so. And he acted 
like him too. He looked up to him a lot, and emulated 
him. Ryan looked down at his hands.

"No," he said.

"Why'd she leave then? Did you treat her bad?"

Ryan paused, then nodded. "Yeah, I treated her bad. 
Badly," he corrected.

"What did you do?"

"I don't want to talk about it. I'll tell you one day 
maybe..."

"Are you sad?" he asked pensively.

He shrugged sadly, but nodded.

"Maybe she'll come back," Will said brightly. "Maybe if 
you say you're sorry?"

"I already did," he sighed. "It's no use. She's not 
gonna come back."

Will nodded, thinking.

"See, that's what happens when you're a dick. So be 
nice!"

"Oh, I will! I always try to be."

"Good."

Will stood up. "You wanna go play basketball?" he asked, 
trying to cheer him up.

Ryan shook his head. "Nah, I can't. I have to study." 
Actually he just wanted to feel sorry for himself.

"Okay," said Will. "I'll ask Robby. See you later!" he 
said brightly, leaving.

Ryan lay back down, remembering how much Jen loved his 
brothers.

He remembered one time a month or so back, Will had 
asked a girl, Andie, to the movies, and her parents were 
going to drive them. His whole family had teased him 
about "the date," and Jen was delighted.

But she took one look at Will in Ryan's bathroom and 
refused to let him out of the house like that. He'd 
completely saturated his hair with gel and hair spray, 
and had "bathed himself in cologne" according to Jen.

"No, no, no," she'd told him. "Get into the shower."

"No!" he'd protested. "Why?"

"Will! No! You canNOT go out looking like that."

"Why not?" he asked, insulted.

"Well, for one thing..." she began, touching his hair. 
"Your hair is completely petrified. It probably weighs 
eight pounds."

"Well I just wanna look nice," he whined, looking 
crushed.

"I know," she told him. "And you do. But you just look 
like you're trying too hard..."

"Really?"

"Yeah! You gotta look casual."

"How do I do that?"

"I'll help you," she smiled at him in the mirror. "First 
get in the shower and wash your hair two or three times 
and scrub all the cologne off. And use conditioner! 
Don't worry, you'll be ready in time."

He hesitated. "Okay..."

"Aright. Get in the shower," she told him, and began 
rifling through the drawers for hair supplies.

"You have to leave!" Will wailed. "You can't look!"

"Oh, sorry!" she told him, surprised. "But hurry up!" 
She left, and Ryan had been shaking his head at her 
while Will locked the door behind her.

"I need some good hair stuff," she told him. "We can't 
let Will out of the house looking anything less than 
stunning."

He kissed her. "Ask my mom. She probably has some 
stuff."

She came back with an armful of supplies, a hair dryer, 
combs, and bottles of stuff to "stunnify" Will, as Ryan 
put it.

He stood in the doorway, amused, and watched her go to 
work on Will, who was standing in front of the mirror 
clad in only pants.

"See," she told him, "the key is, less is more, got it?" 
She combed a tiny amount of mousse into his wet hair. He 
frowned at his appearance in the mirror.

"Don't worry!" she told him. "I promise you'll be ready 
in time!"

Jen dried his hair with the screeching blow dryer, while 
Ryan caught her eye in the mirror, giving her a smile. 
Will began to smile at his reflection as his hair dried, 
shining in the light.

She combed it, letting it part naturally. "Close your 
eyes," she instructed, spraying the tiniest mist of hair 
spray on. "There we go," she smiled at him.

"What should I wear?" he asked, starting to leave.

"No, you're not done in here yet," she told him. "Up!" 
she instructed.

He giggled as she sprayed deodorant on his naked 
armpits. "Are your teeth brushed?" she asked.

"No, not yet."

"Brush your teeth. So, are you gonna kiss her?"

"I don't know!" he responded, looking flustered.

"Will! You gotta kiss her. If you don't she's gonna 
think you don't like her!"

"But what if she doesn't want me to kiss her?" he 
whined.

"I bet she does. I bet you that every girl in your class 
would love for you to kiss them," said Jen, wrapping her 
arms around Will as they both looked in the mirror.

"Really? But I've never kissed a girl before... I don't 
know how!"

"That's okay. It's easy. Ryan, c'mere." Ryan stood in 
front of her, so Will could see. "Show Will how to kiss 
a girl," she ordered, smiling at him as they looked into 
each other's eyes.

"Okay," he agreed, smiling back. "You should ask her 
first if you can, if you don't know," he told Will. 
"Then if she says yes," he said, still looking into 
Jen's eyes. "Then you look deep into her eyes, and lean 
in" he leaned in "and close your eyes" he closed his 
eyes "and touch her lips lightly with your lips," he 
murmured softly, kissing her gently. He pulled back. 
"Then you pull back. And maybe you kiss her again," he 
added, leaning in and giving her another kiss. She 
smiled at him.

"See! It's easy!" smiled Jen.

Will looked at himself in the mirror as he brushed his 
teeth. Jen sprayed a bit of Ryan's cologne on him, 
teaching him how to spray it into the air and step into 
it.

"Now we gotta get you into some cool clothes. None of 
this baggy skater stuff. You wanna make a good 
impression on her parents, don't you?" she asked when 
he'd protested. He nodded, and she went into his room 
across the hall, inspecting his closet and drawers for 
the perfect outfit.

"Wear these jeans," Ryan heard her tell him. "No, the 
black ones!... Yeah. Will! Why don't you ever wear this 
shirt? This is the raddest shirt!" she exclaimed. Ryan 
laughed in his room. "Yeah, your black shoes are good. 
They're not that scuffed, and plus they match. Okay, I'm 
leaving, I'm leaving!"

Jen came back into Ryan's room, jumping on him on the 
bed. "I got kicked out again," she smiled. "He has to 
change and he doesn't want me to see his sexy body."

He kissed her, deeply. "I like it when you take charge," 
he whispered to her. "How 'bout you fix me up later?"

She kissed him back, murmuring that she would as long as 
he didn't make her leave when he got naked.

"I promise," he laughed. They kissed gently.

"Well?" Will demanded in the doorway.

Jen whistled, and he blushed, grinning. "There we go! 
You're pretty hot there me boy! If you don't watch out 
Ry I just might leave you for Will!" she teased.

"They're gonna be here pretty soon. What should I say to 
her?" he asked, looking worried. "When should I kiss 
her?" He sat on the bed.

Jen sat up. "Aright. You gotta say she looks pretty, 
first of all. And you kiss her in the movie theater, 
'cause that's probably the only time her parents won't 
be there."

"But remember, ask her first if you can kiss her," Ryan 
reminded. "But don't attack her."

He nodded, looking excited and worried.

"Go get her a flower from the backyard," Ryan told him. 
"Ask Mom or Dad first. And make sure there's no thorns!"

"And don't get dirty!" Jen reminded as Will ran out. 
"Your brother's so cute!" she told him.

He nodded.

"But you're cuter," she whispered, kissing him again. 
She lay on him and kissed him until the doorbell rang, 
when they jumped up to see Will and his "date."

Will and the girl stood there staring at each other 
shyly as her dad talked to his parents. She was very 
pretty, a little blond with big brown eyes.

"This is for you, Andie," Will told her, holding out a 
freshly cut rose.

"Thank you," she blushed.

"You look pretty..." he said.

"Thank you," she repeated, blushing even more.

Her dad smiled down at Will. "Ready to go?" he asked.

"Thank you John," said Karen to her dad. "We'll see you 
later. Have fun guys!"

"We will," Will called back as he walked his date to her 
parents van. He looked back over his shoulder, giving 
his family the "A-OK" sign, and winked.

They laughed hysterically as the door closed.

Jen and Ryan laughed all the way back to his bedroom. 
They locked the door behind them, and wrapped their arms 
around each other, kissing passionately.

"Aright, aright," Jen breathed, dragging him into the 
bathroom. "Your turn..."

"Yeah?" he grinned at her. "Will you clean me up and 
make me pretty?"

"You already are pretty but yeah..." she told him, 
running the bath water. She poured bubble bath into the 
water. "Get out of those clothes young man! They simply 
won't do for tonight!" she teased.

"Buttons are too hard for me," he said sadly. "Will you 
help me?"

"Sure," she laughed. She unbuttoned his shirt, pulling 
it off and kissing his bare neck. His nipples stiffened 
in the draft and from her touch. Her fingers fumbled 
between them, unzipping his jeans and pulling them down 
past his hips. He kissed her again while she stripped 
him of all his clothes.

"Yea!! I get bubbles!" he exclaimed in delight, stepping 
into the tub. He sighed in pleasure as he sank down into 
the hot water.

Jen kneeled on the side of the tub, sliding her hands 
into the water and exploring his body. Her arms in past 
her elbows, she rubbed her hands all over him in the 
soapy water.

Laughing, she pushed him under the water so his hair got 
wet. She rubbed the sweet smelling shampoo into his 
hair, creating a lather while he sighed. The hot water 
felt so good on his head while she sprayed the shampoo 
out with the shower nozzle. She suddenly pulled the 
nozzle down and sprayed the hot water over his crotch, 
the head of his hard cock sticking out above the surface 
of the water. He gasped in surprise and pleasure, then 
laughed with her.

"Aright, conditioner..." she told him, massaging the 
slimy liquid into his hair. "It needs to sit for a few 
minutes," she told him.

"Well, I'm sure there's other things we can do..."

She continued to massage his body, his chest and 
shoulders. He rolled around onto his stomach. She rubbed 
his back, scrubbing it with the sponge, her hands 
kneading into his muscular body. Her hands slipped 
lower, and he closed his eyes. He'd gotten over his fear 
of being thought of as gay, and just admitted what felt 
good felt good, and that felt good.

Her wet finger slipped inside him, leaving no part of 
him unclean. He groaned, his eyes still closed, as she 
pressed down and rubbed his prostate.

"Fuck," he gasped. Had his dick been touched the 
slightest bit he would have cum immediately.

Her finger slowly moved in and out of him, gently, not 
going in past the first knuckle. He groaned again, then 
turned over again, not wanting to cum yet.

She rubbed the rest of him until her hands were wrinkled 
from the water. She washed all the conditioner out of 
his hair, and he stood up, his dick standing up with 
him.

She wrapped a big towel around him, and he climbed out 
of the tub. She dried him off as he shivered from the 
cold.

She dried his hair with the towel, kissing him. She 
rubbed lotion into his skin, then baby powder. He tried 
to take her clothes off but she wouldn't let him. With 
the towel wrapped tightly around his waist, she dried 
his hair, so soft from the conditioner. Then she sat on 
the sink in front of him, and applied his shaving cream. 
She gently shaved him with the sharp razor, slowly 
dragging it up to strip the white cream away. He gazed 
down at her as she tried carefully not to cut his skin.

She wiped off the excess foam with a warm rag, then 
patted him dry with aftershave. She smiled as she ran 
her hands down his smooth cheek. She rubbed her cheek to 
his, kissing his ear and neck. He picked her up off the 
sink, her legs wrapped around his hips.

His towel fell to the floor as he brought her to his 
bed. He took her clothes off while she lay back. He lay 
on top of her, his hardness pressed against her skin. He 
kissed her and kissed her, his tongue probing lower and 
lower while she gasped. His teeth ever so gently went 
around her clit, then he began to suck. She pushed 
herself back against him, and he rolled onto his back.

She straddled his face, her head back from the 
incredible pleasure. She gasped, then groaned loudly and 
cried out as she climaxed. She fell forward, still 
sitting on his face while he licked up her juices. His 
tongue still flickered against her clit, and she sat 
back up, then got up for a second while she turned 
around.

He grabbed her hips and pushed her into him, groaning 
into her as she took him into her mouth. He kept licking 
her, drowning in pleasure as she sucked his dick, her 
fist tight around his shaft. His arms wrapped tightly 
around her ass as he buried his face into her pink 
folds.

She let go of him temporarily, groaning and breathing 
and riding his face. Then she swallowed him again, 
sucking hard and massaging his balls at the same time. 
He knew she wanted him to cum when she did that. She 
took one of her fingers into her mouth alongside his 
cock, and rubbed it against the tip. He let out a cry, 
muffled from underneath her. Then she removed the wet 
finger, instead sliding it down his balls and inserting 
it into his ass.

He let out a wail, his hips thrusting up as he started 
shooting into her mouth. She sucked it out of him, 
feeling him pulsate and contract rhythmically around her 
finger. She ground herself harder against him, 
whimpering as his tongue worked that much harder against 
her clit. She kept sucking him while her whole body 
shook from her orgasm.

She lay on him, moaning softly and gasping while he kept 
licking her. Finally she rolled off him, onto her side. 
She turned back around, snuggling up to him while he 
kissed her. She smiled at him, with his messed up hair 
and glassy eyes.

"I love ya," she told him.

"I love you," he whispered back. "Wanna go take a bath?"

She smiled. "Yeah!"

They went into the bathroom, and he drew another bath. 
This time they both climbed into the soapy water. He lay 
against the side of the tub, and she leaned back on him. 
He closed his eyes, inhaling the sweet smell of her 
hair, which she had piled on top of her head. One finger 
traced her hard nipple slowly.

"This is the best..." she breathed.

"Hmm-mmm..." he agreed, his eyes still closed.

"I mean, it's hard to think of anything being better. 
Just being here with you is the best, just relaxing, you 
know? It's so great."

"Yeah," he whispered, wrapping his arms around her 
tightly.

"Your parents know when to leave us alone," she laughed, 
twisting around onto her stomach.

"Good!" he smiled down at her.

She kissed his hard stomach in front of her. She rested 
her cheek against his chest. They lay there together for 
a long while.

He rubbed her back with the sponge, then sunk down lower 
into the water as he hardened again. He closed his eyes 
again, giving a little grunt of pleasure as she impaled 
herself on him. Slowly she moved above him, and he 
gripped the side of the tub. She lay down on him, 
moaning softly.

Her hands slipped underneath his back in the tub. She 
hugged him tight, her cheek on his wet chest as she 
continued moving over him. He slid in and out of her and 
gasped, his head going back to rest against the cold 
porcelain. "Fuck," he gasped, as his cream spurted out 
into her.

She lay on him, breathing hard. She kissed him again, 
and they lay in the tub together until the water started 
to get cold. Then they climbed out, tired.

They lay on the bed, and he massaged her back and rubbed 
lotion into her skin for awhile, until Will came home. 
When they heard the car they pulled their clothes on, 
smiling at each other.

"Think Will got laid?" joked Ryan.

"I bet he did," she laughed. "Your brother's a mack."

They went out, where Jen pounced on Will, hugging him 
while he blushed. Karen and JR laughed, but Will refused 
any questions.

"He doesn't kiss and tell," teased Robby.

"Shut up," he blushed.

They dragged him into Ryan's room.

"Come on Will," begged Jen. "We demand details!"

"Did you kiss her?" asked Robby.

Will nodded coolly. "Yup. I kissed her a whole bunch!"

"Did you get "cancer" for her?" Robby teased.

"Shut up," he muttered.

"So, is it true love? Marriage? Three kids and a dog?" 
asked Jen.

"She's my woman," Will smiled.

All four of them laughed so hard they nearly fell off 
the bed.

Ryan smiled now at the memory. But only briefly.


-= Chapter 35 =-

Ryan went out the next week with his friends. They ended 
up at Melissa's house. Ryan wondered if Jen would show 
up. He knew they would run into each other sometime, it 
couldn't be avoided; they hung out with the same group.

"Jen's coming over," Melissa told him.

"Oh yeah?" he answered, trying to sound like he didn't 
care. But his heart was racing.

They all sat around, watching TV. When Jen walked in the 
door she barely looked at him, only glanced at him like 
she did everyone else. She sat on the floor next to 
Melissa, smiling and talking to her and in general 
acting like she didn't give a fuck who the hell Ryan 
Harper was. Ryan sat on the couch, trying not to look at 
her, but he couldn't help it. He stared at her back and 
hair while she faced the TV.

There was some special on MTV. Ryan wasn't really paying 
attention except to know that it was about sex or 
something. Everyone laughed when it was said that guys 
were like "dogs," when it came to sex.

A girl he didn't know laughed and said, "That is so 
true!" when the person who was talking continued to say 
that girls don't understand that about guys, and that 
they "think they're going to marry the first guy they 
get with."

Jen laughed too, and said, "I know!" to the girl.

"Girls think, 'We're gonna get *married*,'" she squealed 
in a high voice. "And the guys are like, 'Next!'"

Jen laughed again. "But then the girls snap out of it 
and then they're like, 'Next!"

The other girl laughed. "God," she said seriously. "I 
totally regret it, the guy I first did it with."

Oh shit, thought Ryan. Don't say it Jen, oh please don't 
say...

"Me too!" agreed Jen emphatically. "I know exactly what 
you mean. God, I wish I'd never even *met* the guy."

Ryan looked down at his hands. He felt several pairs of 
eyes boring into him, none of which belonged to Jen, or 
the other girl, who didn't know about Jen and Ryan.

"Oh yeah?" the girl asked. "Wow I like your shirt," she 
told her as Jen peeled off her sweatshirt.

"Thanks."

Melissa jumped up to get the phone, while Ryan sat 
frozen, still staring at his hands. She came back in and 
told Jen it was for her. Jen leapt up and went into the 
bedroom to get it, and Ryan felt sick as people around 
the room looked at each other and raised their eyebrows 
about Jen and Ryan. His vision became blurry as his eyes 
filled with tears. He couldn't stand their staring and 
got up slowly, going down the hall and laying down on 
the bed in the dark guest bedroom.

Corey followed him. "Come on Ryan. You know she's just 
trying to hurt you on purpose," he told him.

"Yeah, I know..."

"Then what's the matter?"

"Maybe she's doing a good fucking job!" he snapped.

"Come on. Don't think she's forgotten about you because 
I know she hasn't. If she didn't care she wouldn't go 
out of her way to try to hurt you."

Ryan didn't say anything.

"Come on, don't be in here by yourself. Come back out!"

Ryan sighed. "Fine..."

When they walked back in Jen was leaving, standing up 
with her purse on. She looked over at them, her eyes 
meeting with Ryan's only briefly before she looked away. 
She walked out to a chorus of "bye's!" with Brian trying 
to trip her as she walked out. Ryan felt jealous of 
their camaraderie.

He sat back down, giving Corey a look.

"Where'd Jen go?" Corey asked.

"Oh, over to what's his name's..." said Melissa.

Ryan felt like someone had hit in the chest with a 
sledgehammer. Some other guy. She *is* over me, he 
thought. She's going out to get fucked, he thought 
painfully. *Next*.

"Who?" Corey asked.

"What his name, *Kasey*!" imitated Melissa.

Ryan sat on the couch, staring at nothing.

"Who the fuck's Kasey?" demanded Corey.

"Oh, some guy... I don't know, he's a total stoner. I 
guess she likes him though. I don't know why. Well, I 
guess he is pretty cute."

"So, Jen's already out fucking someone is she," said 
Corey.

Shut up, thought Ryan.

Melissa gave him a dirty look. "I didn't say that," she 
told him.

"Oh. So she ever talk about Ryan?" he asked seriously.

Melissa looked at Ryan. "Um, I don't know... No. Well, 
not to say anything nice she doesn't."

Ryan stood up. "Uh, I'm gonna head back now. I'm tired. 
You comin'?" he asked Corey,

"Yeah, aright."

"If you want my honest opinion I don't think she really 
gives a fuck about Kasey, Ry," said Melissa.

He gave her his fakest smile.


-= Chapter 36 =-

Jen went out into the night, pleased that Kasey had 
called her, and feeling happy that she had snubbed Ryan 
again. She was happier that he had called; she'd given 
him Melissa's number but hadn't really expected him to.

He couldn't find Dana's house the night of her party, he 
told her. He had lost the directions. Jen wondered if 
she would have slept with Kasey instead of Matt if he 
had showed up. Well, she was sure she wouldn't have 
slept with Matt, not if Kasey had been there still.

Why had she slept with Matt? She remembered some 
sentimental feelings that he had a crush on her, but now 
what she had been thinking was growing even fuzzier and 
fuzzier by the day of course, not that it had ever been 
clear. It would have been so much different if it had 
been Kasey, she knew, and deep inside she was relieved 
he hadn't gone to the party, though she kept telling 
herself she wished he had. Because if it had been Kasey 
instead, she wouldn't have been in charge, and maybe 
that was what she wanted. She just wanted to take him, 
like he was the girl and she was the guy. It had been 
wonderful though, physically, and the fact that it 
wasn't Ryan added a whole new dimension. A whole new 
world opened up to her.

She told him Matt didn't exactly regret it. She didn't 
exactly; it had hurt Ryan, and that was what she wanted. 
But it wasn't like she had used him like that. Plus, she 
knew, he had gotten what he wanted. Maybe they had used 
each other? But I didn't use him, she thought. Just 
because we did it didn't mean I used him. It just 
happened, she thought, we both got pleasure out of it, 
and that's that.

She pushed away any guilt feelings, telling herself that 
people had casual sex all the time, so why shouldn't 
she? Why should she have to deal with love all the time? 
Sex was a natural thing, and humans were animals, and 
animals did each other all the time without dealing with 
*love*.

She could fuck Kasey of course, that would be okay. She 
felt so free; now that she was "single" she felt like 
she had been released from something, something which 
she kept telling herself was false and detrimental.

He was *different* from Ryan, that's for certain. And he 
liked her too. She hadn't ever pictured herself going 
out with someone like him. He was popular at his school, 
she knew, but he wasn't into sports nor really ambitious 
and motivated like Ryan. Also, Kasey hadn't even made an 
attempt to find Mitch and beat him up after she had told 
him what had happened. At first she was sort of annoyed 
that he didn't seem to care, but then she was happy 
about it. After all, did she want a guy who was so hot-
tempered he flew off the handle at every little thing? 
Of course not.

His friends were pretty nice, but she felt like she 
didn't fit in and they knew she didn't. He had said he 
was going to a show that weekend, and she wondered if 
she was invited. She'd have to get something to wear of 
course, so she didn't look like a dork up in the city.

She mentioned it when she showed up at his house. There 
were a few other people there, and he just shrugged, 
saying who knew what they would do. His friends looked 
over at her, and she felt stupid, like it was obvious 
they never planned things in advance. She thought about 
it, and decided that was the right attitude. After all, 
spontaneity was fun, planning was anal. Relax, Jen, she 
told herself.

They passed around a joint, and she did relax.


-= Chapter 37 =-

Matt hardly ever saw Jen at school anymore, and he 
guessed she'd quit track. She'd done something to her 
hair, he noticed when he did see her, she'd braided it 
in all these little tiny braids. He thought it was cool, 
but he liked it better before. People talked about her 
hair and how cool it was, but soon it got to the point 
where the more Matt saw her the more he hated it that 
way.

During biology he asked Mike what was up with Jen, if he 
knew. He just shrugged, saying she had some new stoner 
boyfriend, Kasey, and that she had this major attitude 
now. That's all he said; he and Mike hadn't been friends 
much since he had slept with her. Matt wondered why, and 
he figured that Mike had his loyalties to Jen and her 
crowd, thinking he was one of them. If Dana and her 
friends didn't like him, then he couldn't like him 
either. It really pissed him off.

Jen must not ever go to class, he thought. Her name was 
written on the board in his math class with the people 
who needed to make up tests. She had three check marks 
next to her name. That meant she'd missed four tests! He 
wondered what she was doing. He wondered if she was 
still going to graduate. Not if she keeps this up, he 
thought. That oughtta wake her up.

His imagination began going, and he pictured Jen in a 
rehab center in a few years, her life in shambles. He 
wondered about that Kasey guy. He was willing to bet he 
gave her drugs all the time. He knew she probably had 
sex with him. She had started dressing differently too; 
Matt wondered if they were his clothes. She always wore 
these really baggy clothes, like corduroy pants and t-
shirts over long-sleeved shirts. She thinks she's such a 
hippie, thought Matt disgustedly.

But he was genuinely worried about her, more as time 
wore on and she stayed like that. He wanted to call her 
and ask her what was going on, but when he did she was 
never home. He couldn't bring himself to leave a 
message.

One day during lunch time she was there, standing with 
her loser friends, Matt thought. His friends pointed her 
out to him, saying that she was really fucked up now and 
it was all his fault.

"Shut up," he said to their teasing. He hoped that 
wasn't the case.

"Go talk to her," said Erik. "I thought you were friends 
with her. You said you were."

"I am. I will!" he replied testily. What the hell, he 
thought, going up to her and standing next to her.

"Uh, hi."

"Hi," she responded. Her friends ignored him.

"So what's up?"

"Nothing," she responded, not looking at him.

"Well... Um, I was just wondering, if you're okay."

"What?"

"Well, I mean, why you're acting all different."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," she 
said, annoyed, not looking at him while she listened to 
what her friends were saying.

"Oh, I mean, I don't know," he mumbled. "Sorry."

"You're right. You don't know."

Right then Erik came up next to them.

"Nice hair," he cracked to Jen.

"Fuck off," she told him.

"What?!? I meant it, nice hair!" he replied innocently.

She ignored him.

Matt tried to think of something he could say. "Um, so, 
are you still gonna go to college?" he asked.

"What?" she asked coldly.

"Um, you know, you should really like, work harder or 
something..." Oh! No, that's not what he meant to say! 
No, he just meant..."

"Fuck you go to hell," she told him in monotone, as she 
and her friends walked away, leaving him and Erik by 
themselves.

"O-kay..." said Erik.

Fuck. FUCK! his mind screamed. Now she hates me. She 
fucking hates me! he thought. Dammit.

***

Ryan never got up the energy to beat up Mitch. He knew 
it wouldn't make a difference to Jen. Mitch was afraid 
of him, and quit baseball to avoid him, he heard. But 
Ryan didn't care anymore. He didn't care about hardly 
anything anymore.

His parents were there, to make sure he did his 
homework. He went out sometimes, but only at his 
friends' urging. He wondered if he was clinically 
depressed. Or maybe he was having a nervous breakdown. 
All he knew was his life sucked big time.

Jen was getting on with her life--why couldn't he? He 
didn't want to, that's why not. His friends were making 
plans for Prom, but he couldn't ask anyone else. No way. 
His friends understood he guessed, but they still tried 
to talk him into going. He couldn't really tell them how 
miserable he was. They might understand, but they just 
didn't talk about things that way. Not like he could 
with Jen. He could always tell her anything and she 
wouldn't laugh at him, or tell anyone.

Now the only person who he could really talk to hated 
his guts.


-= Chapter 38 =-

Matt lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling, which he 
did half the time. He'd just talked to that girl, 
Lauren, for over an hour. She was pretty cool, and cute 
too he supposed. His friends thought she was cute, and 
were impressed that she seemed to like Matt. They asked 
if he was "gonna try to get in her pants." He'd just 
shrugged, but now he was thinking about it.

It's not like he should be keeping himself available for 
Jen. Jen was fucked up. Everyone said so. Well, he had 
to admit he was still in love with her. But Lauren, 
Lauren was pretty cool.

He thought about asking her out. But he didn't have a 
license, and he didn't want to deal with parents driving 
them if they went anywhere. That was babyish. He closed 
his eyes, wishing he had a girl with him. He was sick of 
being his own damn girlfriend.

Yeah, he was gonna ask Lauren out, he decided.

He was extra nice to her the next day in class. She 
smiled all the time while he talked to her. He was 
pretty sure she liked him, and one of her friends asked 
him if he liked her. He said he didn't know, and asked 
why. The friend said she was just wondering. Matt 
changed his mind, and said that he thought he liked her.

And she called him again that night. He asked her 
straight up if she liked him. She giggled, and wouldn't 
tell him. She said she'd tell him in five minutes.

So five minutes later he made her tell him. She said she 
did like him. Duh, thought Matt.

"Will you go out with me?" he asked her.

"Well, yeah! Sure!" she replied.

"Cool. Because I really like you," he told her. "A lot. 
I've liked you since the beginning of the year."

"Really? Why didn't you ever say anything Matt?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said. "Maybe I was shy?"

"Aww... Wow! Well, thanks! I've liked you a long time 
too, Matt. Since the beginning of last year."

"Cool. Wow, this is cool."

"Yeah..."

They talked awhile longer. Matt felt good, even though 
he felt a bit guilty for lying to her. He didn't know 
why he'd said he'd liked her that long. He supposed it 
didn't matter now.


-= Chapter 39 =-

How long had she been with Kasey? A month? She couldn't 
remember. But was she really going out with him? She 
knew she'd look like a fool if she asked. She hadn't 
slept with him, although she almost had. They had made 
out a few times, more than a few. To be honest, he 
didn't seem all that interested in her actually. It hurt 
deep down, but she knew that maybe that was just his 
way, cool about everything, even love.

Love? Echh, love was crap. Probably she couldn't ever 
experience love. Maybe what she had experienced with 
Ryan hadn't been love either. Really, she thought, 
anybody can be with anybody else, it's just nature.

She felt guilty about how behind she was getting in 
school. Her parents were on her all the time, and she 
constantly told them to fuck off. She just didn't care 
about anything anymore, but part of her wanted to scream 
for an hour non-stop.

Why hadn't she slept with Kasey yet? Probably the timing 
had always been wrong, they were always being 
interrupted. But there was a party that Friday night at 
his friend's house. Then he would probably realize how 
much she meant to him. I want him, she thought, closing 
her eyes. She tried to imagine sex with him, and planned 
on doing it Friday.

***

Kasey and his friends picked her up Friday evening, and 
they all started to drink as soon as they got to his 
friends house. He'd gotten three kegs, plus hard 
alcohol. She kept getting separated from him; every time 
she turned around he was gone. But she got drunker and 
drunker, wondering when he would just relax and they 
could go into a bedroom.

Whenever she did see him she started kissing him, so out 
of it. He acted annoyed, not nearly as drunk as she. He 
kept telling her to sit down. She pouted, but he didn't 
notice. She felt stupid; pouting was something she would 
do with Ryan, kidding with him to get her way. Then she 
was annoyed at him, thinking what a fool he was to tell 
her to sit down when he could get laid instead. She felt 
numb as she sat on the couch by herself. She stared at 
nothing for a long while.

Finally Jen forced herself to get up and find him after 
several minutes of telling her body to get up but 
remaining on the couch. Where was he? She looked for him 
everywhere, asking everyone she saw if they had seen 
Kasey. Most of them had no idea who Kasey was, but 
finally she found his friend Jeremy.

She grabbed his arm, trying to flirt though too drunk to 
really do anything right. "Where is he?" she demanded.

"Where's who?" he asked, annoyed.

"Kasey," she whined.

He looked amused. "Oh, he's got some girl in my 
bedroom."

She was stunned, standing there like a rock. "What?" she 
said. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, he's got some girl in there! I don't know who 
she is. He's probably fucking her, who knows or cares."

She stared at his chin, eye level with it.

"What, what's your problem? You're drunk off your ass, 
that's what your problem is."

She shook her head. "Take me home. I wanna go home."

"What? I ain't fuckin' taking you home! Forget it."

She still stood there in front of him.

"What? Oh hey, you like Kasey?"

She looked him in the eyes, feeling like the biggest 
fool on the planet. "No," she denied.

"Ha ha, yes you do!" he laughed. "You like him! Well, I 
don't think he cares much about Hillary or whatever her 
name is, so if he's not too drunk you can be next!"

"Fuck you," she muttered, walking away. She wanted to go 
home, but didn't even know where she was, and had no 
money for a cab. She sat back on the couch, determined 
not to cry as someone gave her another beer.


-= Chapter 40 =-

"What's up?" asked Corey.

"Nuthin'," said Ryan.

"Let's go out. There's a party tonight."

"Oh yeah? Oh. I don't know..."

"Come on! It'll be fun! It'll get your mind off Jen. 
It's supposed to be really good."

He sighed. "Aright."

So they went, finally. It took them forever to find out 
where it was. But finally they showed up, at half past 
eleven. It was huge, and a lot of people he didn't know 
were there. But there were some people who he knew. Like 
Jen.

But Jen didn't see him. She couldn't, she was passed out 
on a couch. She was by herself, cuddled up in the corner 
of the couch. Her hair was different, but he recognized 
her instantly. She still looked beautiful.

What could he do? He wasn't going to leave just because 
she was there. He looked around though, trying to find 
out who she was with. He wouldn't recognize Kasey if he 
saw him, but he didn't see any stray guys who seemed to 
be paying any attention to Jen.

Ryan kept an eye on her for a couple of hours. She 
didn't wake up, and nobody went over to see her either. 
He wondered if she came by herself. He hadn't seen her 
car though, and they walked past a whole slew of cars. 
Then he saw a guy sitting down next to her, looking at 
her. The guy reached out and touched one of her braids. 
Ryan walked over immediately, wanting to see if it was 
Kasey or not. He wanted to see what the guy was like.

The guy looked up at Ryan looking at him. He dropped her 
braid and inched away from her huddled figure.

"Oh, sorry. Is she with you?" he asked Ryan guiltily.

Ryan shook his head. "No. You don't know who she's 
with?"

He shrugged.

Some girl who was sitting in the chair spoke up. "She 
was with some guy but he left awhile ago..."

"He left?" Ryan asked her. "Is he coming back?"

"Uh, I don't think so. Why?"

"Well, he left her here... What a nice guy. Something 
could happen to her!"

The girl shrugged. "I don't know."

Ryan looked down at Jen, sleeping there. He leaned down 
and shook her. "Jen, Jen wake up..."

She opened one eye finally, then closed it, turning away 
from him.

"Jen, how are you getting home?"

"This is my home," she mumbled. She passed back out.

"Ryan, what are you doing?" Corey asked, exasperated.

"Dude, whoever she was with just left her here!"

"Don't worry about it Ryan! You can't follow her around 
the rest of her life! Just leave her alone!"

"I can't! I'm not following her around! I didn't know 
she was gonna be here! Listen, I gotta take her home. 
Look at her. She might wake up and try to drive for all 
we know. And no one's gonna try to stop her."

Corey sighed. "Whatever. You know you're never gonna get 
over her if you keep obsessing about her. Next time we 
go somewhere and she's there passed out we're leaving 
her there, okay? She's the one who chooses to get fucked 
up in the first place. Besides, she's not your 
girlfriend anymore."

"Fine," Ryan snapped. hurt by his friends words. "But 
tonight I'm gonna make sure she gets home. I'll come 
back for you later."

"No. Don't worry about it," he sighed. "I'll get a ride. 
But," he told him seriously. "I'm serious, you gotta be 
careful. If she wakes up for a second and says she loves 
you and you believe it, it's gonna really hurt tomorrow 
when she doesn't remember anything about tonight, got 
it?"

"Yeah, got it," Ryan said. He carried her carefully out 
to his car, putting her in the passenger seat without 
her waking up.

He looked over at her from the driver's side. She'd been 
there so many times before. But that doesn't matter now, 
he thought. She just has to get home safely tonight. He 
drove towards her house in silence, keeping the radio 
off so as not to wake her up. It was weird turning onto 
her street, and getting out of the car to open the gate. 
He knew the codes for the security at her house, so he 
could get into her room. He wondered what he would do if 
she had changed them. Leave her on the doorstep? Nah, 
I'd take her to my house before I'd do that. Or Dana's, 
he thought.

It felt weird, but he felt important, knowing he had a 
reason to be there. He carried her into her room 
quietly, secretly hoping she would wake up and be glad 
to see him. He laid her down on the bed.

He noticed his notebook on her desk, open. She must have 
used his notes to study off of. He tried to feel angry, 
but couldn't, giving a smile instead as he thought of 
how much she struggled with physics. He needed the book 
though. This would save him the pain of getting it from 
her in person. A few weeks ago he would have been glad 
for an opportunity to go see her, hoping she would 
finally break and forgive him. But now he knew it wasn't 
going to happen.

He looked back down at her. Should he undress her? He 
could. But should he? He stared at her. She would be 
pissed if she ever found out, and maybe wonder what else 
he had done to her.

So he just took her shoes off, and covered her up with 
the blanket. He longed to climb into to bed next to her, 
kiss her goodnight, and switch off the lamp like before. 
He sank down onto his knees, looking at her sleeping 
there. He touched her hair, in braids. It was different, 
but he supposed he could get used to it.

"I'm sorry, you know Jen," he whispered. She didn't wake 
up. He left.


-= Chapter 41 =-

Lauren was sort of annoying, Matt thought. He couldn't 
put it into words what was annoying about her, but it 
was just something there. She was just so young seeming. 
But she liked him a lot. She even wrote him notes, 
ending with "I love you." He wrote back that he loved 
her too, even though he felt sick as he wrote it. But he 
wasn't going to break up with her. He liked how much she 
liked him, and he knew he had the upper hand in the 
relationship. He felt proud that he wasn't "whipped."

He wondered how much she would do for him. He decided to 
see if she was worth keeping around. He kept telling 
himself he didn't love her, and so it would be okay. If 
he did and she broke up with him, it would be like Jen 
all over again.

So one day he gave her friend a note to give her after 
school, telling her to meet him in front of his 
classroom. She showed up, giving him a big kiss.

"What's up?" she asked him.

"Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to do something 
after school."

"Don't you have track practice?"

"Nah, I can skip it for once. I'd rather be with you."

"Awwh, really? That's so sweet, Matt," she gushed, 
taking his hand. "What do you want to do? We can go to 
my house. My mom's probably home though..."

"Well, we can go to my house. It's real close," he said.

"Sure! Okay! I've never been to your house before."

They walked home. He tried to walk quickly. He knew his 
parents would still be gone for awhile yet. He needed at 
least a few hours.

"This is my house," he told her, walking up the 
driveway.

"I like it."

"Thanks."

They went inside. She put her backpack down in the hall.

"Are you hungry?" he asked her.

"No, not really."

He smiled. "Wanna see my room?"

"Sure!"

They went upstairs. He was praying.

She sat on his bed, bouncing and giggling.

Yes, he thought. He jumped next to her, trying to get 
himself to laugh alongside her. He leaned in and kissed 
her. She responded, kissing him back and putting her 
hands on his chest. He leaned on her, and she slid down 
on her back, so he lay on top of her.

She slipped her hand into his pants, rubbing his hard 
dick. He touched her breasts, rubbing them over her bra 
as his hands traveled under her shirt. He kissed her for 
awhile, his brain screaming at him. They had made out 
before, but he felt different today. His blood surged 
through his veins, and his mind swam, knowing what he 
needed was at his fingertips, if he could just...

"I really like you, Lauren," he breathed. "I-I feel like 
I've known you a long time. Longer than I have."

"Really? Wow, Matt. I feel the same way!"

"Will you let me make love to you?" he whispered, 
kissing her ear and her neck softly.

She hesitated, but he could tell she liked the touch of 
his tongue. "I don't know."

"Have you done it before?"

She shook her head. "But you have. I know you have, I 
heard so."

"Yeah. But I wish I was still a virgin."

"Really?"

"Yeah..." He continued to kiss her for awhile, then 
finally said, praying it would go his way, "You don't 
have to if you don't want to."

She paused. Then she kissed him back. "Well, I think I 
love you Matt," she whispered. "I mean, I *know* I do."

"I love you too..." He kissed her again, then kicked his 
shoes off. Standing up, he pulled his shirt off, rubbing 
her between her legs while she stared at him. He didn't 
care about modesty, he pulled his pants and underwear 
off too. His dick stood up straight in front of her.

He lay back down on the bed, leading her hand once again 
to his dick. He kept kissing her, removing her shirt and 
bra.

"Will you kiss me on my dick?" he whispered.

She hesitated, then leaned in. He closed his eyes, and 
sighed as he felt her tongue against his sensitive 
member.

"Yeah, that's right," he groaned as she slowly licked 
it. "Suck it."

She tried to take it into her mouth, and he winced from 
her teeth scraping it. But she moved her mouth around 
it, up and down. He moaned.

"Yeah! That's good." He let her work on him for awhile, 
then sat up, leaning in to kiss her.

Breathing hard, she lay back, looking at him. He leaned 
over, kissing her breasts while he undid her jeans. He 
pulled them off, and her underwear. She lay there, her 
legs closed tight. Should he go down on her? He thought 
he should, but she didn't seem to want him to. He pulled 
the covers up over them while he lay on her again.

He slipped his finger into her, thrilled that she was 
wet. He kissed her again, eyes closed, as he put his 
dick at her hole. He tried to get it in, to ease it in. 
He pushed against it. There we go, he thought, as it 
slid in the slightest bit.

He still gripped the base, and he opened his eyes to 
look at her. She stared at him, her eyes wide. He tried 
to push it in more, he kept trying. It was going in, 
little by little.

Finally it went in, and she screamed as her body ripped 
to allow him entrance. He sighed, thrusting in and out.

She was crying, sobbing that it hurt.

"Don't cry," he told her. "It'll feel better soon..."

She sniffled, and he kissed her. He kept pumping into 
her.

"Pull out," she told him. "Don't do it in me!"

He nodded, disappointed though. He hadn't had to worry 
about that with Jen.

"Aww yeah!" he groaned. "Yeah! That's good! Shit!" he 
gasped.

He kept fucking her, as hard as he could. She was so 
tight. He couldn't remember if Jen had been this tight. 
Possibly. He hadn't been thinking about it when he was 
in her. He'd been thinking about how happy he was.

Hell, I'm happy now, he thought. Fuck!

He pulled out, grabbing her hand and making her pump his 
dick. She rubbed him up and down as he groaned, and shot 
his cum all over her stomach.

He breathed hard, relaxing on her.

"Wow, that was good Lauren."

"Yeah, it hurt though..." she told him.

"Yeah. It always does the first time for girls, you 
know."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Aren't you happy?"

"Yeah, I am. I love you so much Matt," she whispered.

"Yeah. I love you too, Lauren."


-= Chapter 42 =-

Jen was depressed still, hating her life and every 
aspect of it. She felt so alone. Dana didn't call her 
anymore, well, Jen had been rude to her when she had. 
Dana's solution to all Jen's problems was : "Get back 
together with Ryan!" Not, thought Jen. I'd rather go out 
with fucking Kasey than Ryan.

Kasey was such a prick, she thought. She couldn't 
believe what a fool she had been. He had called her, but 
she had gathered up her self-esteem and refused to 
associate with him anymore. She didn't have anybody in 
her life anymore. Well, there was Danny who she still 
talked to. At least he cares about me, she thought 
painfully. Nobody else does. She felt guilty about what 
she had said to Matt that day, and the whole thing with 
him. She kept telling herself he didn't care anymore. It 
would be conceited to think otherwise, she thought.

She had half a mind to call him, and ask him to come 
over. Just to see if he would do it. Should she? She was 
so lonely, maybe he would forgive her for being a bitch 
and come over. Her parents were gone that night, plus, 
she reasoned, it's not like she was going to sleep with 
him again. She began to get nervous as she looked up his 
number in the book. Then she calmed herself down, 
knowing how nice he was.


-= Chapter 43 =-

"Hello?" Matt asked.

"Matt? It's Johanna, Lauren's friend."

"Oh, hi."

"Why are you being such a prick to Lauren?"

"What? I'm not."

"You're suck a jerk, I swear. You take her virginity and 
tell her you love her, and then treat her like this! You 
never talk to her and you don't call her anymore! Don't 
you like her?"

"Um, she's nice."

"You're a jerk, aren't you?"

"No. You can think what you want, I don't care."

"Well don't you care what Lauren thinks?"

"Um, not especially."

"Oh my God! You are such a jerk, Matt!" Johanna hung up 
on him.

Oops, Matt thought. He did care what Lauren thought 
about him. He did, he just, he didn't know. He guessed 
he didn't like her much anymore. Of course, he told 
himself, he had been using her all along. He hadn't ever 
cared about her.

But he knew he had, though he tried to push that thought 
out of his mind. Nobody could tell him what to do, not 
Lauren or Johanna. Even his parents were idiots. So 
maybe he had used her, so what. People used each other 
every day. Jen had used me, he thought bitterly. She 
used me to piss Ryan off. They're both bitches, he 
thought angrily. Then he began to get sad, knowing he 
loved one of those bitches, the one he couldn't have.

The phone rang again.

"Hullo?" he asked.

"Matt?" said a female voice, a voice he knew very well.

"Yeah?" he replied, trying to pretend he didn't know it 
was her. Maybe it wasn't, he thought.

"Um, it's Jen. How are you?"

"Um, fine."

"That's good."

"How are you?" he asked back, his heart pounding so 
loudly he could barely hear.

"Aright. So, what's up?"

"Nothing."

"Yeah, me neither."

"Really? Nothing exciting for you on a Friday night?"

"Nah, nothing goin' on. You're not doing anything 
either?"

His heart raced. Why was she calling him? Did she like 
him? "Um, no, nothing."

"Hmm... So, how you been?"

"Fine."

"Yeah... Um, you don't live that far from me, do you 
wanna come over?"

Was she kidding? Was this some sort of a joke? He 
wondered if maybe she hated him and there were some guys 
waiting there to beat him up. "Well, why?" he asked.

She paused. "Oh, I don't know. I'm bored I guess. If you 
don't want to I don't care. I'm just bored," she 
repeated.

"Well..." he hesitated. "Sure, I mean, I'm really bored 
too."

"Well, that's cool. Cool, you know where I live right?"

"Yeah, I know! When?"

"Um, I don't care. Now is fine. Whenever."

"Okay, I'll be over in awhile," he told her casually.

"Aright, I'll see you in a bit."

"Aright. Bye."

"Bye."

He hung up, grinning. He was so happy, she didn't hate 
him, and she wanted to hang out with him. That must mean 
she liked him, just as a friend at least.

***

"Hey, come in. What's up?" Jen asked him, opening the 
door to let him in.

Matt felt weird, so weird to be in her house again, and 
to see her so relaxed, barefoot as they went into the 
living room.

"I was just watching TV," she told him as she laid down 
on the couch.

He nodded, dumbstruck for a minute as he sat next to 
her.

"What are you watching?" he asked.

"Jeffersons," she said, smiling at him.

He laughed, relaxing.

"Well, I guess I should apologize," she told him, 
putting the TV on mute. "I'm sorry what I said that day. 
I didn't mean it."

"Oh." He felt awkward, like he should apologize too. But 
he didn't have anything to apologize for. He knew that.

She sat up, scooting in next to him. She looked him in 
the eyes. "I mean it. I was a bitch to say that, and I 
hope you forgive me."

"I forgive you," he told her, then looked away. He did 
forgive her of course. Like he could stay mad at her!

"Yeah?" she said, giving him another smile.

She was so close to him, her face was right there. She 
wanted him to kiss him, he thought. She's horny and 
that's why she invited me over.

He nodded, saying gruffly, "Yeah..." Then he leaned in 
closer to her, and she didn't pull away. His mouth 
searched for hers as his eyes closed, and he hungrily 
kissed her, his tongue touching hers. Then she pulled 
away, and he wanted to die on the spot.

"Matt," she sighed.

He wished he was dead. God, why do I do this shit? he 
thought, angry at himself for being such a fool. He was 
so angry. "What?" he asked sullenly, not looking at her.

"Matt," she whined, trying to be cute, he thought.

"What?" he snapped, annoyed. "Why the fuck did you 
invite me here?"

She looked surprised. "Matt, what? You think that's why 
I invited you here? I just wanted to apologize, then 
hang out!"

He still didn't look at her. "Yeah," he muttered.

"I mean it! What, oh, that's why you came over, huh? 
Just to fuck me? Oh, how nice, thank you," she said 
sarcastically, sounding hurt.

"No," he sighed. "That's not why. I-I just thought you 
wanted it."

"Why?" she said, annoyed. "Wait, you did think that's 
why I invited you here."

He paused. "Well, I wanted to make you happy I guess."

"Oh, don't give me that!" she snapped, angry. "Man, 
why'd you have to do that? My life sucks, and I was 
lonely, and all you want is to get off again. Well 
thanks but no thanks."

He shook his head. "That's not true! No, I mean, forget 
it. I just thought that is what you wanted, but it's not 
what I wanted."

"Oh, yeah, bullshit," she countered. "That's all you 
want, just to get laid. That's the only thing you ever 
wanted from me," she accused, knowing that wasn't true 
but feeling all the more sorry for herself.

"That is not! That's not true at all!" he cried, hurt 
and angry at the same time.

She didn't answer him.

"It's not! I swear it. I didn't even want to do it then, 
you know that? I just, I wanted to make you happy. I 
wanted to be there for you," he said honestly, though 
trying to sound as sensitive as possible.

"Well then you're a real fool if you did it and you 
didn't want to!" she told him.

It was like a slap in the face. He had been being 
honest, and told her what he had finally figured out 
after weeks and weeks of pain. He stood up.

"Fine, I don't care anyway," he told her.

"Oh, you're gonna fucking leave. You've been here ten 
minutes and you're gonna leave. Wait, come on, I want 
you to stay. Come on, Matt, don't be pissed!"

He ignored her, feeling cold as he continued toward her 
front door. He considered yelling something back to her, 
about what a bitch she was or whatever to get the last 
word, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. Instead he 
just left.


-= Chapter 44 =-


"Will you just leave me alone?" snapped Ryan.

"God! I'm just trying to help," responded Darius.

"Well you're not helping, okay? You're just fucking 
making it worse! I don't want another girlfriend right 
now. I don't want another girlfriend!"

"What, are you gonna spend the rest of your life alone 
because of Jen? How about when she invites you to her 
wedding? Are you gonna bring a date or will you still be 
hoping she comes back to you? Wake up, Harper! She's not 
gonna come back to you!"

"I don't think she is, aright! But maybe I don't want 
another girlfriend right now! And you're bugging me 
about this Jody chick. So fucking knock it off, will 
ya?"

"God. It's just that Jen's getting on with her life, and 
it just bugs me to see you all by yourself and lonely 
and shit."

"I'm not by myself and lonely. I've got enough fucking 
friends! Just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't 
fucking make me lonely."

"Aright! I mean, I know it sucks and stuff, but you 
should just consider asking someone to Prom just as a 
friend. You gotta go, man. It won't be Prom if you're 
not there."

"No. I don't want to go. I will not be going so why 
don't you just drop it. You've been on my ass since the 
minute Jen was out the door," Ryan said angrily. "Don't 
you even fucking understand?"

"Sure, I understand. I told you, I know it sucks."

"You know what Darius, I don't think you do understand. 
You've never given a shit about anybody. You've never 
been in love, you know that? You don't even know what 
love is."

"Man, fuck you. Why do ya gotta get so personal?"

"Because we're talking about personal shit here! And you 
can't tell me what to do, because we're not in your 
territory here. You don't know shit about love or loss 
or anything because you've never even loved. And I'm 
sick of your shit and you ragging on Jen all the time, 
like it's supposed to make me feel better if you call my 
ex-girlfriend a slut or something. So why don't you go 
out and get some knowledge about the world and a real 
fucking relationship and then you can come back and 
maybe I'll listen to you."

"Fuck off Harper. You're so fucking sorry you don't even 
know how sorry you are. Fuck you!" Darius told him, 
hanging up.

"No, fuck you!" Ryan yelled as he hung up the phone. 
"Goddamn fucking prick," he muttered.

Will came running in without knocking, Robby chasing 
him.

"Ryan!" Will whined. "Robby took the remote control and 
he won't let me watch what I was watching first! I was 
there first!"

"Yeah, and then you hit me you little baby!" yelled 
Robby, pushing him.

Will pushed him back, knocking him against the chair, 
which fell over. Ryan's books fell onto the floor, his 
binder opening and papers spilling out.

"Look what you fucking did!" he screamed at his 
brothers. "Get out of my room!"

"Stupid brat!" Robby yelled at Will, kicking him in the 
legs.

"You're the brat!" cried Will.

"You're both brats!" Ryan yelled. "I told you, get the 
fuck out of my room!"

"I'm not a brat!" Will cried.

"Yes you are! Now get out! I never said you could come 
in here! Get out before I throw you out!"

"I hate you Ryan!" Will yelled at him as he ran out.

"Good! I hate you too!" Ryan yelled back. "Dumb brats!" 
he yelled at them as he slammed his door.

God! He picked his books up off the floor and threw them 
on his bed. He stared down at his physics notebook, the 
one he had gotten from Jen's house after he had taken 
her home that time. He looked at it, his heart skipping 
a beat as his eyes ran over Jen's handwriting.

"Wyan is da best," it said. "Jen wuvs Wyan." His eyes 
filled with tears as he remembered it was old, written 
one time when he was over there and they were studying. 
He picked up the notebook and threw it against the wall, 
papers flying out. It felt good to throw it. But not 
good enough.

He picked up his math book, a heavy bound book, and 
threw it at the wall as hard as he could. It made a 
satisfying thud. He picked up his physics book, and 
threw it at the wall. He threw all his books, even his 
small paperback English books, against the wall.

He was on such a high, his anger causing his blood to 
race through his veins. He felt like driving his car 100 
mph, crashing into a brick wall or off a cliff. He 
imagined his car exploding as it rolled down the cliff, 
a fiery ball.

He jumped on his bed, scattered with papers, and buried 
his head in his pillow. He screamed as loud as he could 
until he went hoarse.


-= Chapter 45 =-

Danny had his spring break, and he came back down to his 
old neighborhood. He of course stopped to see Jen. He 
was worried about her anyway, he knew she was upset.

Jen was thrilled. She hadn't seen Danny in awhile, since 
the last time he returned to their town. Maybe a year. 
But they had kept in touch and had become quite good 
friends since his letter. Now she was thinking about him 
again. He was still good looking, extremely sexy. She 
remembered kissing him during their brief romance. 
Before Ryan. She remembered the time he had kissed her 
when she had been with Ryan, remembering what his lips 
felt like against hers.

She thought about having sex with him. She tried to 
picture them in her bed. God she wanted him. God, she 
was horny. This was the longest she's gone without sex 
since she had first done it. Danny didn't have sex much, 
he'd only done it with one girl last year. She got more 
and more excited thinking about that night, knowing how 
great it was going to be.

When he came over she gave him a huge hug, pulling him 
into her house and squeezing him tight. He looked the 
same, although he commented on her different appearance. 
She shrugged, saying her hair was easier to take care of 
like that. He told her she looked nice.

He had brought Chinese food for them, and they sat on 
her floor and ate it while watching a movie. Jen was 
feeling the intensity, and wondered if he felt it too. 
He could try something and she wouldn't turn him down. 
She wondered if he knew that. Maybe she should make the 
first move.

Why not? she thought. She would wait for a lull in the 
movie. She stood up to get something else to drink, 
using that as an excuse to sit nearer to him when she 
came back. She sat right next to him, closer than she 
had been before. Her leg was touching his.

She stared straight ahead at the television, but she 
could see him looking at her out of the corner of her 
eye in the dark room. She looked over at him, and they 
looked at each other. She smiled. He smiled back.

She leaned in and touched his face, still smiling. She 
leaned in further, eyes closed, and kissed him on the 
lips. He kissed her back, opening his mouth as she moved 
even closer to him.

She straddled his lap where he sat, leaning against the 
foot of her bed. They continued to kiss. She gasped 
slightly from the pressure of his hardness between her 
legs. She was so turned on then, he was just so 
masculine, so hard.

She stood up slowly, taking his hand to pull him up too. 
She lay back on her bed, and he stared down at her. She 
pulled off her T-shirt, trying to look as sexy as 
possible.

"C'mere," she told him with a smile, patting the bed 
next to her.

He inched towards her, then stopped, still looking at 
her. Her smile faded. He looked away.

"What's the matter?" she asked him.

He shrugged. "Nothing's the matter. It's just that, I 
don't think we should."

Jen lay there, stunned. She hadn't considered he 
wouldn't want her. She sat up, not looking at him. "Oh."

"Jen, I mean, I *want* to do it, but, you know."

She didn't answer, pulling her shirt back on. She felt 
like such a fool.

"Jen! Come on," he said, sitting on the bed. He hugged 
her affectionately.

She tried not to cry, shrinking away from him.

"We would regret it. I don't want to lose your 
friendship."

"We wouldn't regret it," she muttered. "We would still 
be friends."

"Jen. You know that's not true. I don't even live here. 
I have to go back in a few days."

"So?" she said sullenly.

"So?" He paused, looking at her. "Is that what you want? 
Sex with someone without a relationship? Doesn't sound 
like the Jen I know..."

"Well maybe you don't know me," she told him.

He looked hurt. "Don't be like that! What, you want me 
to fuck you now? And then leave?"

She fought back tears. "No, I didn't mean that. Just, 
now I feel like an idiot," she muttered.

"Hey, don't feel like an idiot. I mean, believe me, I 
*want* to. I really, *really* want to," he laughed.

She gave him a smile.

"So don't feel rejected or whatever. Because trust me, 
it's not that at all."

She nodded, her face crumpling as she started to cry.

"Oh, Jen," he said, hugging her tightly. "Don't cry."

"My life sucks," she sobbed into his arm. God, it felt 
so good to be held. "It sucks."

"It'll get better. Hey my life sucks too, aright?"

"Not as much as my life sucks," she sobbed.

"You'd be surprised! See, you don't want sex, do you?"

She shook her head. "No... I want love. I want you to 
love me. I want everyone to love me," she cried.

"So does everyone. And everyone that knows you loves 
you."

She shook her head. "No. Lots of people hate me."

"Nobody hates you. And if they do they're losers. 'Cause 
if they know you then they have to love you."

"Ryan hates me," she sobbed.

"I doubt that," he told her.

"And-and Matt, that freshman that I screwed over, he 
hates me too! I used him," she sobbed. "I'm such a 
bitch. And Ryan beat him up. And I told him I loved him 
and I didn't!"

He didn't know what to say. "Well, nobody's perfect 
Jen."

"I'm a slut."

"You're not a slut. If you're a slut than I'm a slut 
because I would have sex with anything that moves. 
Except those who I might lose their friendship," he 
added.

She nodded. "I'm the ho of the world."

He laughed at her phrase. "That would look good on a 
business card."

She laughed. "I just wanna be happy," she told him, 
still crying.

"So do I."

"I wish my life didn't suck."

"So do I!"

They sat there for a long while, talking. He comforted 
her and she cried. Finally he had to leave, but they 
were much closer than they had been before. They were 
much closer than they would have been had they had sex, 
and both realized this.

After he left Jen stood in her bathroom looking at her 
image in the mirror. She thought about how much she 
loved Danny, as a friend. She wondered what would have 
happened if they had never broken up. She wondered what 
would have happened if she had never met Ryan. She 
thought about both of those things.

She stared at her reflection. She picked up a lock of 
her hair and slowly unbraided it.


-= Chapter 46 =-

Ryan pulled into his driveway, Robby in the passenger 
seat next to him. Neither said anything. He stopped the 
car but didn't turn off the ignition. Robby didn't get 
out, just sat there.


"Um, I'll be back later," he told him.

Robby looked at him. "Where are you going?"

Ryan shrugged. "I'll be back."

Robby unbuckled his seat belt and slowly got out of the 
car. Ryan watched him as he disappeared into the house.

He felt numb as he backed out of the driveway. He felt 
helpless, like a child. Hollow, that's how he felt.

***

Jen was tired, but she couldn't go to sleep yet. She 
still had four chapters to do for math, plus at least 
three hours of work in English. She'd been up late the 
night before doing her physics. She hated physics. She 
wished she still had Ryan's notes. She'd lost them, she 
figured. She had had a dream that Ryan came and took 
them away in the middle of the night, but she didn't 
think about it much; she only bothered to be annoyed 
that she'd lost them.

She'd gotten behind in all her classes, but her teachers 
were all sympathetic. She had always been a good 
student, and they were going to let her make up her 
work. She told herself she could do it, kept prodding 
herself along as she wanted to give up. She looked over 
at a pile of large envelopes on her desk, ripped from 
when they had been opened. Pleased to tell her that she 
had been accepted. Accepted. Accepted.

And the reply had been the same from the school where 
Ryan was going. Accepted. That had been what she had 
wanted. It was a great school, and a huge school. But 
she couldn't go there. It was impossible now. But her 
second choice was just as good, even more prestigious 
actually, though it was smaller. And it was out of 
state.

She tried to picture her dorm, her roommate a faceless 
figure welcoming her. She thought of the things she 
would put on her wall. Pictures of Dana, and her 
parents, and Danny, and Melissa. Dana--her best friend. 
She knew Dana, she hoped she'd accept her apology, no 
problems. The other people she had hurt with her 
attitude, Melissa, and her parents, she hoped they would 
forgive her as well. She knew Melissa she could just 
call one day, it's not like she had ever fought with any 
of her friends really; she had just sort of been 
ignoring them for Kasey's crowd for awhile. She knew who 
her true friends were.

But Matt, she'd hurt Matt. She promised herself she 
would talk to him, *really* talk to him, before she 
left. She would always feel horrible for the way she had 
treated him, and how much she must have hurt him. She 
vowed again to apologize to him before she left.

Before she left--she thought about that again. Her mind 
wandered back to her new home, and all the people she 
would meet. No boyfriend to worry about across the 
country, no worrying if he had found someone better. But 
another image crept into her mind, a faceless guy, maybe 
one who lived across the hall from her. She imagined 
watching movies in his room, and studying with him as 
they groaned about their professors.

She smiled, starting to get excited. See, she told 
herself, aren't you glad you never killed yourself? That 
would have been so lame, she thought. My life is just 
beginning.

She tried to picture herself married, to yet another 
faceless guy. She imagined herself in the grocery store, 
maybe running into her old high school boyfriend, Ryan 
Harper. They would be cordial, and talk about their jobs 
and their spouses. And their kids.

Then she would go home to her family. See, she thought 
again, my life is just beginning. She forced herself 
back to her work, pushing thoughts she didn't want to 
hear out of her head.

Jen took a break from studying to watch The Late Show 
and get something to eat. She was sitting on her couch 
eating cereal when she saw headlights through the 
curtains and heard a motor. Her heart skipped a beat.

She returned her gaze to the television screen. She 
wasn't going to go running out the door for him. She 
took a few more bites. The doorbell hadn't rung.

Hmm, she thought. The gate was open, maybe it was just 
someone turning around in her driveway. She finished her 
cereal. She watched TV some more, still wondering about 
the headlights and the motor she had heard. She had to 
return to her studying anyway.

She got up and peeked through the kitchen window. Sure 
enough, it was there, a very familiar blue Bronco. She 
squinted, and saw him. He was still sitting in his car, 
his head on the steering wheel.

For a second she wondered if he was hurt. Nah he 
couldn't be. He was still sitting there. But she didn't 
go out to see him. She went back down and sat on the 
couch, her mind spinning.

But wait a minute, she thought. This is my house, he's 
in my driveway. I have more than a right to see why he 
is here and what he wants. It doesn't mean I'm crawling 
back to him.

She went back to the window, wondering if maybe he had 
driven away without her knowing. No, he was still there. 
She opened the front door, shivering from the cold night 
air. He didn't look up as she walked around his car to 
the driver's side door. He still didn't look up as she 
stood there. She rapped on the window and said his name.

He sat up, looking at her slowly. She made a motion for 
him to roll down the window. He did, his eyes swollen 
and red. She tried to keep her cool.

"What's up?" she asked. It came out gently.

He looked down at his hands on the steering wheel. He 
shook his head.

"Why are you here?"

Ryan paused. "I-I can't," he croaked.

"Can't what?" God, it felt weird to talk to him again.

"Say it," he told her, looking at her. "I'm not here to 
try to make you come back to me Jen, so you know," he 
added.

"Yeah?"

He nodded. He looked up at the roof of his car. "It's 
not me. I-it's Will."

"Will?" she asked, startled. "What's the matter with 
Will?"

He shook his head, crying again as he put his head back 
down on the wheel.

She opened the door. "Come on, get out. Tell me!"

He got out slowly, then stood there not looking at her 
as she closed the door.

"What happened to Will?" she demanded. "Is he okay?"

He shrugged, crying too hard to speak.

She was frustrated, but scared. She was scared to death 
right then. "Is he okay?" she repeated.

"They don't know!" he blurted out. "He got hit by a car 
Jen," he sobbed. "On his skateboard. They don't know if 
he's gonna make it."

"Oh my God," she said, as her eyes filled with tears. 
Not Will.

He put his face in his hands, sobbing, "You're my best 
friend, Jen. I need you, you're my best friend. I don't 
care if you hate me but I need you now..."

She could barely see him as she reached for him 
awkwardly, taking him in her arms. His strong arms went 
around her as they stood in her driveway hugging each 
other, crying.

"No, come in," she told him. "I don't care."

He followed her into her house, and they stopped in the 
foyer, where she held him again. He was crying so hard 
he could barely stand up.

"He's my little brother," he sobbed. "What am I gonna do 
if my little brother dies?"

Jen was crying too hard to answer, she just shook her 
head, meaning that Will would be all right. They went 
into her room where he sat on her bed, his face in his 
hands. She sat next to him, hugging him.

"He'll be okay," she whispered. "He's such a strong 
kid."

He just kept crying, wiping his eyes.

"He is. He is such a tough kid. He'll make it, he will."

"I love that kid Jen. I love that kid," he cried.

"I know you do. I love him too."

"He can't die," he whispered.

"We just gotta pray, and wish for the best. He's gotta 
make it!"

"I told him-I told him I hated him Jen!" he sobbed. "The 
other day I called him a brat! I said I hated him!"

"He knows you love him, Ry. He knows you were just mad." 
She was still crying herself.

"He-he said, 'I *hate* you Ryan!'" he recalled. "And I 
said-I said," he sobbed. "I said, 'Good! I hate you 
too!'"

"I told you, he knows you love him, so stop thinking 
about that. You know he didn't mean it, and he knows you 
didn't mean it. So stop thinking about it, huh? It won't 
do any good. Just-just think positive."

"What am I gonna do if he dies though?"

"You can't think that! Stop saying that!" she told him. 
"He won't die."

He nodded, wiping his eyes with the Kleenex Jen gave 
him. "I promised him I'd take him to the batting cages 
for his birthday. I never did," he told her.

"You will. You still will."

He shook his head. "I said I would do it on his 
birthday. Just the two of us. And I said I couldn't. 
'Cause I was too-'cause I couldn't do it. But I could 
have," he whispered. "I just didn't."

"Ryan, look at me. You and your brother, both your 
brothers, have a *great* relationship. He knows you love 
him. You can't sit here and think of all the times you 
teased each other or hit each other or how in 1988 you 
ate his piece of cake on purpose or whatever, got it? 
Because none of that stuff matters, 'cause you guys have 
a great relationship."

He nodded, sighing. "I love him."

"Good. I love him too."

"You-you wouldn't believe. He looked so awful Jen," he 
sobbed. "He had this big bandage on his head and he was 
connected to this machine and it was so awful. He just 
looked so *little*. So little."

She held him to her on the bed. "I know," she told him. 
"He's like my little brother, too," she cried. She began 
to cry harder than him, and they both lay there holding 
each other crying.

They cried for awhile, sometimes saying something about 
Will and how strong he was, or how good of a kid he was. 
But they cried about other stuff inside, each getting 
out a lot of tears that had been held back recently, 
despite the copious amounts that had already flowed. 
Soon it wasn't about Will anymore as they lay there.

"Oh Jen," he whispered finally. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! 
Please!"

She didn't say anything, just lay there in his arms.

"I never meant it. I can't believe I could ever have 
done anything like that to my darling. I am so sorry."

"I slept with him, Ryan. It won't be the same," she 
cried. "It's not the same."

"I don't care! I don't care at all about that! It was my 
fault, I'm such an asshole. I don't even deserve to be 
here with you."

"It's not that. It, no, I don't know..."

"I love you Jennifer Marie Halleran."

She sat up, sniffling. He still lay there, wiping tears 
away. She sat on the edge of the bed, silent. She got up 
suddenly, walking to her dresser drawer and opening it 
slowly. She stood there awhile, and he lacked the energy 
to get up or even ask what she was doing.

She walked back to him, staring down at him, her eyes as 
red as his. Sitting next to him on the bed she held out 
her fist, then slowly opened it. He looked down at her 
open palm.

In it lay a diamond ring.

He stared at it, eyes wide, then reached for it, not 
believing it was really there. He took it, looking at it 
in disbelief.

He looked up. "How? What, did you get the pipes opened 
or something?"

She shook her head. "I-I never did it. I never flushed 
it. I just pretended I did."

He stared at her.

"I put it in my pocket," she told him.

He kept staring at her. "I'm sorry," he whispered, 
crying.

"I couldn't do it," she said, crying again too. "I was 
mad, but I couldn't do it still."

He looked down at the ring in his hand. "The past few 
weeks have been hell, Jen."

She didn't say anything.

"Jen, please..." he said softly.

She bit her lip, then fell towards him as she sobbed. He 
held her to him tightly as they both cried.

"Ryan, I love you," she cried. "I've never loved anybody 
else."

"Oh God, baby, I love you. You're my life Jen. I need 
you back. Please come back."

She nodded on his shoulder, crying too hard to speak.


-= Chapter 47 =-

Matt's life was just getting worse by the day, he 
thought. He wished he had never tried to kiss Jen again. 
Why couldn't he just realize that it wasn't going to 
happen? It was such a painful thought though, giving up 
on her.

Plus he felt horrible about what he had done to Lauren. 
One time during the class they had together she ran out 
of the room, crying. Her friends all looked at him. What 
could he do?

It's not my fault, he had thought. She wanted it too. 
But he knew he had taken advantage of her. And it wasn't 
him, he didn't want it like that. Maybe that's why he 
couldn't face her. It just wasn't his style, as much as 
he hated that expression.

His life was just so empty. Jen hated him. Lauren hated 
him. His friends were assholes. He wasn't friends at all 
with Mike anymore. Mike hung out with a different crowd 
now. His other friends were dorks.

He thought about one day when he had seen Jen during 
lunch. He hadn't seen her in awhile. She was studying by 
herself in the library. She had taken all of her braids 
out and was dressed nicer.

She looked up suddenly and caught his eye as he was 
staring at her from across the library. She didn't look 
away, but he did. Then he walked away.

He wondered what it meant, if anything. He looked at the 
phone, thinking about calling her, but quickly ruled 
that out. No way. And he didn't have the energy to crank 
call her, plus, what if she had gotten her phone tapped 
to find out who had done it? That would be so 
humiliating.

He thought about his friends. They were so impressed 
with the fact that he had "nailed Lauren." They laughed 
at her. What jerks. No wonder they never had any damn 
sex, he thought.

He wished he had friends like Jen had. Jen had great 
friends he knew, or she had before she went wacko. Well, 
it wasn't fair for him to say she had gone wacko. After 
all, he was totally out of the loop anyway. He wasn't a 
part of her life one bit.

He wondered about when he went away to college. The way 
it stood now he didn't have any friends that he would 
actually want to keep in touch with. He didn't have a 
girlfriend either. Probably all the girls hated him, 
too. After all, Lauren was really popular, and all her 
friends thought he was scum. He wished he could move 
away, and start over, but that wasn't likely.

Plus he was bracing himself for when Jen moved away. It 
didn't matter how much of a bitch he said she was, he 
still loved her. He always would, he knew. He still 
thought about her constantly, and still pictured them 
together. He knew it was ridiculous, but he still 
couldn't help it. At least now he had the option of 
seeing her around, but when she moved away he wouldn't 
*ever* talk to her again. He wondered what it would be 
like next year, all the time wondering where she was and 
what she was doing. She wouldn't ever be thinking about 
Matt, except to remind herself of what a mistake he had 
been, he thought, if that. I'm just a mistake, he 
thought, his face crumpling as he began to cry. She'll 
always be my first and I'll just be a fucking mistake, 
he thought.

A knock came on his door. Fuck, he thought, wiping his 
eyes on his pillowcase.

"What?" he asked.

His mom came in. "Matt, th- what's the matter?" she 
asked, seeing his eyes red.

"Nothing!" he told her.

She paused. "Well, someone's here to see you."

"Who is it?" he asked. Maybe it's Jen!

"It's Lauren."

"Oh." Lauren? he thought disappointedly.

"Yeah, come down and see her."

"No. Tell her to come up here," he told her, nervous 
about his parents eavesdropping.

His mom started to protest, but he interrupted, "We're 
not gonna do anything, God Mom!"

She sighed, leaving while he hurriedly wiped his eyes 
again, praying she couldn't tell he had been crying. He 
lay on his bed, trying to look casual.

He heard her coming up the stairs, his heart racing. He 
stared down at his book until he heard her knock on his 
open door.

He looked up, then sat up. "Hi," he said.

She walked in, looking nervous. She looked around, then 
closed his door.

"I just wanted to tell you," she began, "that I think 
what you did to me really fucking sucks!"

He sat there, stunned.

"I'm sorry," he told her, honestly.

"No you're not!" she told him, her eyes flashing with 
anger. "You're so damn selfish it isn't even funny. I 
thought you were cool, but now I see that you're just a 
jerk. You wouldn't even return my calls, so I had to 
come over here myself to tell you that. That's all I 
wanted to say," she broke off, her voice wavering.

"No, wait. Don't leave," he said, jumping up.

"Why?" she demanded, angry. "What? You just wanna fuck 
me again?" She started to cry.

"No, Lauren, I'm sorry!" he insisted. "I am, I mean it. 
Really."

"Oh, yeah Matt!" she cried. "Matt, wanna make love?" she 
said, imitating him sarcastically.

That hurt him. That had been what Jen had said to him. 
"No!" he said. "No, I'm serious. I am sorry, really I 
am."

She shook her head. "I was so stupid to think you were 
cool."

"I'm sorry," he told her simply. "That's all I can say. 
I wish you would believe me, 'cause if I had to do it 
all over again I never would have done that to you. 
Honest, Lauren."

"Oh yeah?" she asked him. "Why? You got a fuck."

"No, I don't care about that. Because, then it was 
different, and you were gone..." he told her, just now 
realizing that he had missed her.

"Yeah, you were different and *made* me gone!'"

"It was different..." he repeated awkwardly, not having 
planned out anything to ever say to her as an 
explanation.

"You made it different." She looked at him. "Were you 
crying? Why are your eyes all red?" she demanded.

"No, I was sleeping," he lied.

She kept looking at him, knowing he was lying. "Why were 
you crying?" she asked him quietly.

He looked away, shrugging. "I dunno. My life sucks I 
guess."

"Really?" she asked, sounding touched by his tears. Then 
she got angry again. "Oh, like mine doesn't! You're not 
really sorry."

"Yes I am!"

"No you're not!" she insisted, bursting into tears 
again. She sat down on his bed, sobbing.

Matt didn't know what to do. He looked around his room, 
so unused to having a girl in it. He was sorry, but he 
knew she probably wouldn't ever believe him. He looked 
at her, amazed that someone was this hurt, over *him*.

Looking around his room again, he spotted something on 
his dresser and got up, on an impulse. He picked up the 
glass long-stemmed rose, which he had gotten from a 
glassblower at Disneyland a few years back, out of the 
mug he kept it in. He walked back over to her, holding 
it out in front of her.

She was still crying, her face in her hands. He felt 
like a fool holding it there while she ignored him. He 
touched her shoulder, and she looked up slowly, wiping 
her eyes.

"What's that?" she asked him, sniffling.

He shrugged, feeling even more like a fool. He had 
thought it might make her feel better, like maybe it was 
the sort of gesture a girl would appreciate. He didn't 
know, he didn't know anything about girls, he thought. 
"It's for you," he told her.

She took it, bursting into tears again while she looked 
down at it.

"I-I guess I'd get you a real one if I could," he told 
her. "I'll get you a real one tomorrow," he added.

She continued crying, her makeup smeared around her 
eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Nah, don't say thank you to me. I'm a jerk. I told you 
I'm sorry. I mean it, I really do," he said, sitting 
next to her.

"Oh, Matt!" she cried.

He took her in his arms, hugging her while she sobbed on 
his shoulder. It felt kinda nice, he thought.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I didn't know how to act. W-
will you give me a second chance?" he asked. "I mean, 
you don't have to."

She pulled away, wiping her eyes again with her free 
hand, the other still holding the glass rose. "I don't 
know," she said.

"I am sorry. And I never lied when I said I really liked 
you," he told her. He realized how easily she could 
remind him of how he had lied when he had said he loved 
her, so much worse.

But she didn't. Lauren just looked at him sadly. She 
sighed, then gave him a small smile. "My friends are 
gonna kill me," she told him. "But, okay..."

He grinned at her, giving her another hug. They laughed 
as he was careful of not breaking the flower she held 
between them.

"Good, let's start over," he smiled at her. "You know, I 
understand if you don't want to be with me again."

She shrugged. "We'll see. But you're right, let's just 
start over. I'm a virgin," she laughed.

He hugged her again.


-= Chapter 48 =-

"Jen!" exclaimed Karen. "Hi, how are you?" she asked, 
surprised to see her.

Jen smiled, leaning over to give Ryan's mother a hug as 
she sat in the chair. "Fine," she told her.

"Wish I could say the same, but..." Karen told her with 
a sad smile.

"He'll be okay," Jen said positively.

"We're praying," Karen told her. "Where's Robby?" she 
asked Ryan.

"He's at home. He'll be okay," he answered. "Where's 
Dad?"

"He's getting coffee for us."

"Oh." Ryan sat down in the chair in the waiting room. 
Jen sat next to him, tired, but deep down feeling a rush 
of adrenaline that she was with him again. She looked 
around the room, hating the sight of the shiny linoleum 
floors and the feel of the chair beneath her.

"Ryan, I wished you would have stayed with Robby," his 
mother told him. "I don't like the thought of him home 
alone right now."

"Well, I wanted to be here. He'll be okay by himself."

She didn't answer, instead looking over as her husband 
came back with the Styrofoam cups of hot coffee. JR 
seemed very surprised to see Jen.

"Well hullo there Jen," he said, sitting down. "How are 
you?"

She smiled, shrugging.

"Yeah, me too," he told her, pouring sugar into his cup.

"You want something to eat?" Ryan asked her, getting up. 
"I'm kinda hungry."

It seemed a millennium ago that she had eaten that 
cereal. "Yeah, kinda."

"Where's the food?" he asked his dad.

His dad told him.

"You stay here?" Ryan asked her, looking at the tired 
figure in the chair. She nodded, and he smiled at her as 
he walked away.

She looked over at his parents across from her. "So, how 
is he?" she asked them.

"Well," said JR. "He's still unconscious which isn't 
really a good sign. He's also hemorrhaging--bleeding--in 
his brain, and he's got some extra fluid in there which 
they had to drain. He's got a nasty bump on the head you 
could say..." he told her wryly.

"He's very strong," she told him. "He can pick me up 
anyways," she smiled. "But he'll be okay. I'm sure of 
it."

He nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. "So, long time no 
see huh Jen?"

She smiled shyly.

JR smiled at her back. "That's alright. We really 
appreciate you being here," he told her.

"We do," agreed his wife. "You know you're like family."

"Thanks," she said.

"Ryan took Robby home," Karen told her husband. "I think 
he'll be okay by himself for awhile."

JR nodded. "Ryan didn't want to stay at home," he said, 
thinking out loud.

"No. That's okay." She added to Jen, "Ryan feels guilty 
you know."

"Why?" Jen asked.

"Oh, he thinks he should have picked him up at baseball 
practice." She shook her head. "He's never picked him up 
at baseball practice," she said, rolling her eyes as if 
to say, "That's Ryan for you."

"Well, it's not his fault."

"Yeah, you know the driver was here for awhile too. He 
brought him some flowers; we put them in his room. He 
feels really bad too. It wasn't his fault," she told 
her.

"Oh really?" Jen had been wondering about that.

"Yeah, looks like it was Will's fault," she sighed. 
"Anyway, he came by with his wife. Very nice man."

Jen nodded, thinking. She stared down at the pattern on 
the floor, her vision blurring as her eyes filled with 
tears.

She didn't see the doctor walk into the little alcove. 
She jumped when she heard him talk to Ryan's parents, 
her heart racing.

"Well, your son's conscious," he told them.

His mom breathed a sigh of relief, sinking down into her 
chair.

"Thank God," said JR.

"He's still needs to be in the ICU. He's still got more 
fluid in his skull that we need to worry about."

"Can we see him?" asked Karen, standing up.

"Yes, but just for a moment."

"Ryan's not back yet," Jen noticed. "I'll go get him. I 
have to tell him!"

She walked briskly down the hall in the direction where 
JR had said the vending machines were. She rounded the 
corner and nearly bumped into him, carrying bags of 
chips and sodas.

She grabbed his arm. "Ryan, he woke up! Will woke up!"

His face lit up. "What'd they say? Is he gonna be okay?"

"I think so," she told him as they raced towards his 
room. "I don't know but I think so."

They went into his room. Ryan had been right, Will 
looked horrible. He was very pale and not smiling at 
all, the only one in the room not wearing a huge grin.

"My head hurts," he muttered.

A chill ran down her spine as she looked into his eyes, 
the whites red with blood.

She gave him a hug, gently.

"Hi Jen," he said. He closed his eyes.

"Hi Will. You better be okay," she told him. "We have 
some serious unfinished Sega business..."

He nodded. "Where's my board?" he asked suddenly, 
opening his eyes.

"Don't worry, your board has been rescued," said Ryan.

Karen was crying, holding his hand as she sat in the 
chair next to his bed.

"You feeling okay, honey?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"I know, baby, I know," his mom whispered, rubbing his 
hand.

Jen tried not to cry but couldn't help it. Ryan hugged 
her, his chin resting on her head as she choked back 
sobs. Even JR was blinking back tears.

"Why's Jen crying?" she heard Will ask.

She pulled away from Ryan, wiping her eyes. "'Cause I'm 
happy I guess," she told him, sniffling.

"Well don't cry Jen," he muttered. "Only sad people 
cry."

She nodded, smiling down at him in the bed. Ryan wrapped 
his arms around her, pulling him to her again.

"I hafta go to the bathroom!" Will whined. "You guys 
hafta leave!"

They laughed, Ryan and Jen walking out of the room. They 
stood in the hall, and he hugged her again. She closed 
her eyes, leaning against him and melting in his strong 
arms. God it felt good to be with him again. It was so 
right, there was no way she could deny that.

Finally she pulled back. Ryan was crying too. "He's 
gonna be okay!" she whispered, smiling at him.

He nodded. "I know." He reached out and wiped her tears 
away with his cuff.

"I know he is..."

He nodded again. "That's not why I'm crying," he told 
her.

"Me neither," she answered, smiling. She went back into 
his arms, her eyes closed again.

"I love you Jen," Ryan told her.

"I love you too," she whispered.

Ryan hugged her tighter. She opened her eyes, seeing JR 
standing there in the hall across from them, finishing 
his coffee.

He smiled at her.

She smiled back, then closed her eyes again.

THE END

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
This story was written as an adult fantasy. The author
does not condone the described behavior in real life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kristen's collection - Directory 69