("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._ `6_ 6 ) `-. ( ).`-.__.`) (_Y_.)' ._ ) `._ `. ``-..-' _..`--'_..-_/ /--'_.' ,' (((' (((-((('' (((( K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N _________________________________________ WARNING! This text file contains sexually explicit material. If you do not wish to read this type of literature, or you are under age, PLEASE DELETE THIS FILE NOW!!!! _________________________________________ Scroll down to view text -------------------------------------------------------- This work is copyrighted to the author © 2008. Please don't remove the author information or make any changes to this story. All rights reserved. Thank you for your consideration. -------------------------------------------------------- Senility by Ickric (ick_ric@yahoo.co.uk) *** Sex and senility. We all may get there but will it be fun? A humerous look at senile sex. (MF, rom, humor) *** You know when you are getting on a bit when sex becomes some distant memory, like toothache or a favourite pair of shoes. You can recall the pain and the comfort yet you cannot recollect quite why. It’s almost like looking at a road map of a city and having a vague idea of your location whilst still being completely lost. You recall some of the faces and sometimes, even names of people although you are very much uncertain if the name is correct for each face, but it’s a start! You remember some of the good points, but maybe you remember the halitosis, rhinohorrhea or hyper-hydrosis more so. Vague flickers of shadows in the darkness, flesh against flesh, body parts in mouths yet these days, those images refer mostly to your last visit to the zoo. Heavy breathing in bed nowadays is mostly down to emphysema and you get more comfort from a hot water bottle than a partner. The tablets you take at bedtime are not Viagra but warfarin. Doing drugs is not the abuse of Lysergic Acid or Cocaine, it is more likely to include the use of Paracetomol, Diazepam and Propanolol! Dressing for bed no longer involves anything made from rubber, other than incontinence knickers and the grand children use your or your partner's bra as a catapult for lobbing house bricks across the neighbourhood. Your partner can now run their tongue across your teeth without you even having to be in the same room, thanks to a glass of water and some steradent! In the rare event of you and your partner being intimate, it can still be just as exciting as it was all those decades ago. One night stands or role- playing, pretending your partner is some one else is just the same as senile sex, mostly because you spend much of the time trying to recollect your partners name! The moans and groans are not those of lust, but of aching limbs and failing joints. Kissing is akin to performing CPR and the silk sheets you used to romp around on are now thick, cotton sheets with incontinence pads beneath. Wet patches suddenly have totally different meanings to you. What is more, you become afraid of things that are stiff as you still believe it is the first signs of rigor mortis which is generally unhealthy! You wonder why every time you go to the bathroom at night, the light switches on automatically, every time you open the door until you realise that you have been using the fridge as your toilet for the last few months. Suddenly it dawns on you why the milk has tasted odd recently. Senility is when you can remember the war like it was yesterday but you are having trouble remembering what you had for breakfast which was less than an hour ago. Suddenly, the lyrics of the Fred Wedlock song, “The oldest swinger in town” all begins to make sense. Romance is still within your psyche, however, and when you and your partner go for a walk, you make a point of holding their hand. There is a hidden agenda, however, as you need to hold their hand because if you lost them, you would not be able to remember the way back home again on your own! At last, after decades of being together, you have found peace and harmony within your own relationship. Arguments are a thing of the past and life is serene. So why has it taken so many years to reach this stage? The answer is very simple. There can be no confrontation if there are no areas you disagree on. All these years, you have been arguing, protesting your innocence against claims of negligence, hostility or arrogance. Now, your memory is so poor, if your partner accuses you of having done something wrong, you are happy to accept blame as you are unable to remember if they are right or not! They say that with old age, two things happen. The first is the onset of senile dementia, the loss of memory and with it, your marbles. Sadly, I cannot remember what the second thing was! You find that just going to the toilet or examining yourself can be an orgasmic experience if you have a bout of the shakes at the same time. Deliberate masturbation is weird as the loss of sensation in your hands feels like some one else is doing it to you! Trying to look young involves hair dye (blue), exercise (with a zimmer frame) and perfume (based around palm of violets or lavender). Senility is when you can go shopping for clothes at supermarkets and you believe that de-mob suits are still in vogue. You can now wear the furry, zip up slippers you used to tease your grand parents about, and you find Arran cardigans comfortable. And once you are all dolled up, you want to go out on the pull to the local Derby and Joan club, dressed to kill in your surgical stockings and thermal undies. You have concerns that if you found a partner who was prepared to get naked for you, if they invited you to have a stroke, you’d probably have a clinical stroke instead. You have become aware that Paramedics use KY Jelly to lubricate the tracheal tubes when you have stopped breathing and it dawns on you that there were other reasons why the substance was invented in the first place! But you still fear the unknown. Having a sexual partner could be fatal at your age. You can remember what to do, but you have forgotten in which order. Who swallows what? Is pregnancy still a concern? Are there too many flaps and folds to navigate? Do you need a satnav to negotiate your partner's body? Does the smell of urine make you horny? They say that sex improves with age so, by now, you should be a world authority on the subject yet you have the same insecurities as you had in your adolescent years. Can puberty really hit twice? And yet, there is still worse to come. Once you reach this point of senility, there is only one thing left to do. Become a politician! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * It's okay to *READ* stories about unprotected sex with others outside a monogamous relationship. But it isn't okay to *HAVE* unprotected sex with people other than a trusted partner. 4-million people around the world contract HIV every year. You only have one body per lifetime, so take good care of it! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Kristen's collection - Directory 59