("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._ `6_ 6 ) `-. ( ).`-.__.`) (_Y_.)' ._ ) `._ `. ``-..-' _..`--'_..-_/ /--'_.' ,' (((' (((-((('' (((( K R I S T E N' S C O L L E C T I O N _________________________________________ WARNING! This text file contains sexually explicit material. If you do not wish to read this type of literature, or you are under age, PLEASE DELETE THIS FILE NOW!!!! _________________________________________ Scroll down to view text Archive name: menwomen.txt Authors name: Calcite (Rusties & Eddies BBS) Story title : Men and Women are NOT Alike -------------------------------------------------------- This work is copyrighted to the author © 1991. Please don't remove the author information or make any changes to this story. You may post freely to non-commercial "free" sites, or in the "free" area of commercial sites. Thank you for your consideration. -------------------------------------------------------- Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged. Relationships: -------------- First of all, a man does not call a relationship a re- lationship. He refers to it as "that time when me and Susie were doing it on a semi- regular basis. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem called "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. Sex: ---- Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. Maturity: --------- Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old fe- males can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school ro- mances rarely work out. Handwriting: ------------ To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley-face at the end of the note. Bathrooms: ---------- A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: ---------- A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his 'fridge are half a lime and some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys every- thing that looks good. By the time that a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or- less lane. Going out: ---------- When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, just as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her make- up.... Cats: ----- Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Offspring: ---------- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. Low Blows: ---------- Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. Dressing Up: ------------ A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: (1) Weddings, and (2) Funerals. David Letterman: ---------------- Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi- dorky guy who's got a gap in his front teeth and always has a bad haircut. Laundry: -------- Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgi- cal pants that were "hip" about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth. Weddings: --------- When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." Socks: ------ Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat- socks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. Nicknames: ---------- If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless. Kristen's collection - Directory 4