Postscript: Two Letters
New York City,
November 15th, 2004
Dear Stan,
It's been a long time since I last heard from you. So it was quite a surprise when I received your letter in such a fat envelope. As it turned out when I opened it, most of the volume came from those printed pages with the funny characters.
I'm glad to hear that you and Cathy are getting along so well. I wish I could say the same about Tracy and me. Here, things are going from bad to worse. But I don't want to bore you with my problems.
I apologize for taking so long to get back to you, but finding someone who was able to help me wasn't as easy as I had thought.
Yes, I have a lot of immigrants on my staff - nobody can afford to hire regular workers anymore - but I don't presently employ anyone who speaks Chinese. My workers are mostly Latinos. They're not as disciplined as the Orientals - you never know what time they'll show up for work on Monday morning - but at least they make an effort to speak our language.
Would you believe that right here, in the middle of what many people consider the pillar of Western culture, we have a whole bunch of people unable to speak a civilized language? My experience makes me wonder whether they're capable of speaking their own mother tongue. I'm referring, of course, to New York's Chinatown.
I asked some of my customers there if they could help me. (I do the laundry for many of the better restaurants in Chinatown.) On the phone they all said it would be no problem, they would gladly translate the stuff for me. But when I showed them the pages, their slitty eyes turned almost round and they said, "Solly, cannot tlansrate rettel." So at least I knew that what you sent me was a letter. Some of them got downright unfriendly when I asked who might be able to translate this text for me. "Nobody in Chinatown tlansrate this," they said, and suggested I forget about the whole thing.
But they don't know me. I can't resist a challenge. The only reason I didn't contract one of the professional translation services is that you told me this wasn't really important. You just wanted to satisfy your curiosity about what this friend of yours is working on.
Then I remembered that this Malaysian girl I know had told me she could read Chinese. I see her occasionally and the next time I went I took your pages along. Well, to tell the truth, she's a really classy hooker and I visit her regularly. The last time I went, instead of getting a first class blowjob, I asked her to tell me what was written on those pages. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I've made for you.
Anyway, she says it's a letter, but not a real one. She thinks it could well be an imaginary letter that is part of a novel, but not one of the great works of world literature you had been thinking of. According to May - that's her name - it's more likely a piece of pulp fiction, something involving Kung Fu fighters, secret societies and Ninja Turtles - but maybe I'm mixing up countries here. After having done the transcription and having read the text a few times, I would agree with her. This has got to be fiction. Nobody would write weird stuff like this for real.
I gave May the pages to read. Then I asked her to translate them aloud and I taped her. Afterwards I transcribed the tape onto my word processor and made any necessary adjustments. Obviously, May didn't come up with nice, rounded sentences when she translated the text on the fly. Her English is a bit weak in any case. Also, May told me that the text is written in a very formal language. "Like a letter from a bank or a government office," she said. So I have rephrased May's mumblings into something which looks more like a business communication. I didn't ask May to check what I've come up with as the final text - I wasn't prepared to forego another blowjob for the sake of accuracy.
There are a few passages where I have doubts that May used the right word - I've put my comments against them. The completed translation is enclosed. I hope it tells you what you're looking for.
Give my love to Cathy. I know she doesn't return my feelings. Just tell her I said hello. And I sure would love to meet that other lady you have staying at your place! Lucky bastard!
Yours etc.
Ricky
Inter-Departmental Communication
From: [A bunch of letters neither May nor I could make any sense of.]
To: [ditto]
It gives us great pleasure to inform you that the training of the two specimens mentioned in our earlier communication is progressing extremely well and that they will be ready for deployment within the estimated timeframe.
As always, we have selected candidates based on a number of criteria, one of them being a low social profile. The two trainees are financially independent. They maintain social contact with only a limited number of people. There are no children and no surviving parents or other close relatives.
Their interest in linguistics has resulted in the publication of a dictionary which is well regarded by its users. Although the two are in a secure financial situation and do not depend on the income from their book, they have published a number of revised editions to keep its content up to date with current use.
Concerning the dictionary, we have already taken steps to discredit its authors in the eyes of their publisher and a large group of opinion-forming users. After the fiasco of their talk at the annual conference of the Association of Literary Translators it will not come as a surprise if no further revisions to the dictionary are published.
As far as the few personal friends are concerned, a strategy has been put in place which will result in the distancing of these friends. Eventually, the two candidates will be treated like social outcasts and will be pleased to cut off any existing ties with whatever friends and acquaintances they have.
Both individuals are physically attractive. Particularly the female's appearance is very pleasing to the eye. What makes these two subjects outstanding, however, is their willingness to engage in any type of activity suggested to them.
The male has been conditioned to remain sexually active for prolonged periods. In training, times of up to three hours have been achieved without artificial help. We expect to increase this time to four hours by the end of the preparation period. This duration can be extended by fitting the mechanical device known as 'cock ring'. It is however not recommended to fit this device for more than twelve hours as this may result in lasting damage.
The female has proven even more responsive to her conditioning than the male. She is eager to expose herself to strangers and to allow them to use her in any possible way. She has developed a strong desire to submit herself to physical punishment, torture and humiliation. It appears that severe treatment has become a precondition to her own satisfaction. If anything, her sexual appetite is expected to increase during the remainder of her training period.
The two can either perform as a pair in front of an audience or satisfy the desires of others as instructed. In either case, they are sure to exceed all expectations and impress even the most demanding spectators.
Because of the extraordinary quality of these specimens, we consider it inappropriate to designate them to the exclusive use by high-ranking officers within our organization. This does not constitute any expression of disrespect towards the members of the upper echelon; it is merely an indication of the benefits the organization as a whole could derive from the use we suggest.
We recommend strongly that the new recruits be deployed in the services of External Affairs. As we have indicated before, they can be provided as a token of our appreciation to our contacts within the law enforcement authorities to establish and maintain a positive climate, or to other deserving individuals holding influential positions to ensure favorable treatment of our business interests. Their services may also be offered as a reward to those members of the organization who show exceptional initiative and creativity in the exercise of their duties.
We suggest therefore, that upon completion of their training, the two specimens be placed under the guardianship of the Washington branch, which maintains close liaisons with government officials. Initial contacts in this respect have received an enthusiastic response by the leadership of that branch. This, however, should in no way preempt the final decision by the Executive Committee.
The imminent deployment of these two new recruits represents the completion of yet another successful project by the Department for Human Supplies. [Comment: This is where I think May has got it wrong. I told her that this kind of department goes by the name of Human Resources but she insists that the term used in the text means 'supplies'. (Ricky)]
This is, therefore, an appropriate moment to return to the subject of funding for the Department. It is usual to point out that any budget increase has to be justified by an increase in productivity. The activities of this Department do not result in directly attributable financial returns. However, the successful deployment of these two new recruits will demonstrate once again how valuable our activities are to the overall organization.
The suggestions above on how the recent acquisitions might be put to use give a clear indication of how our work benefits the organization as a whole. In some cases it might even be argued that providing this kind of service to external agents is the prerequisite for the smooth and unperturbed operation of other parts of the organization.
The identification of potential candidates requires detailed and careful research. But even the most painstaking investigation, the most rigorous selection cannot prevent that, once contact has been initiated, new facts are discovered which rule out the candidates as unsuitable. Contacts do not always terminate as successfully and satisfyingly as this one. Many times we have to disengage, particularly when we discover that the candidates maintain intensive social and professional contacts so that their sudden disappearance would raise suspicion.
This research activity requires a large number of highly-skilled professionals and a large network of contacts as well as sophisticated equipment. Once the conditioning program has been initiated the agent who is in direct contact with the recruits has to dedicate him or herself completely to this task. They spend twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, observing and coaching. It involves significant expenses to pay staff of such high caliber and to keep them highly motivated and dedicated to their assignments.
The conclusion from these deliberations is that the Department is seriously under funded to meet the rising demands an expanding organization places on it. There is a real risk that the lack of funds could lead to unacceptable shortcuts being taken during critical phases of the operation. This might lead to slip-ups and could expose us to the risk of undesired investigations, not only into this department but into the activities of the organization as a whole. For this reason, we would urge you to reconsider the proposed funding review we submitted with our previous communication. We are confident that after careful consideration you will agree that the proposed increase in funding is more than justified.
The End