The scene: a crowded Taverna (yes, crowded more so than usual), set deep in the heart of the woods, somewhere... surrounded by mountains and clear sparkling waterfalls. A place of secrets, scandal and seduction. Known only to those who sacrifice time, blood, sweat, tears, and other well-known bodily fluids, to the craft of erotica.
Yes, we're talking about that Taverna. The one glimpsed occasionally in an ASSD post.
Why are we going casual this year, you ask? Why not the chandelier-studded banquet hall of the past two Clittie Awards ceremonies? Because our fearless organizer and vote-counter, Rui, is under the weather. And as such, forgot to reserve the glitzy banquet hall. So we will just have to buck it up and make do with the beer, scarred wooden tables, cramped quarters and battered jukebox.
Into the chaos and confusion and impossibly loud chatter, flits the Birthday Nymph. She lands atop the bar, and delicately clears her throat, trying to get everyone's attention. "A-hem."
No response.
She tries again. "A-hem."
Same response.
With a wave of her insubstantial looking silver wand, a deafening boom is heard inside the Taverna.
Immediate silence.
"A-hem," she whispers, a lopsided smile on her face. She straightens her wings, adjusts her bodice and announces, "I now present to you the presenter of the 2002 Clitoride Awards.. Mr. Rui Jorge!"
There is much clapping and foot stomping, as Rui comes out of a back room and climbs onto the bar. His red and black plaid flannel shirt, faded denim jeans, and combat boots, he fits in perfectly with his surroundings. The flush of his cheeks and the red-tinged nose are the only indications that he's not quite feeling up to par.
"Thank you, Birthday Nymph," he says and tosses her a shy smile. With a nod of her head, she flits back into some dark corner, leaving him the sole occupant of the limelight.
"Since this is the first year we've had new, expanded categories, I don't want the awards ceremony to take the better part of a week," Rui explains. "To expedite things, I've enlisted the aid of two presenters."
In a flash of blinding yellow light, Rui is flanked by two familiar ASSD denizens: Gary's Muse and Jimmy Bot.
"They will be circulating through the crowd tonight, presenting the awards to the winners as I make the announcements. In the interest of time, please save all acceptance speeches until the awards ceremony has concluded. At that time, I'm heading back to my cozy bed for some much needed TLC." At that, he whispers to Souvie and Des, sitting together at the bar, "My place afterward, right?" They nod in confirmation and he turns his attention to the pieces of paper clutched tightly in his hands.
"Each year we receive more and more votes, especially outside the ASSD community. Word is spreading, which to me, is a good thing. Creative and inspiring writers are always welcome into the fold."
While Rui has been speaking, Gary's Muse and Jimmy Bot have started circulating through the crowd, awaiting the reading of the first winner.
A mumble goes up through the crowd. Evidently the intro has gone on long enough. "I will read the winners, saving 'Author of the Year' for last, of course. In the event of a tie, I will read all the winners' names out, in alphabetical order."
Rui looks at the sheaf of papers in his hands. "Short Story of the Year: 'The Eve of Victory' by Oosh."
The applause is deafening, especially from the table of blonde haired women dressed in skin tight, silk mini-skirts and 5-inch heels.
Rui continues, "Long Story of the Year: 'The Smell of Sex' by Couture, 'First Impressions' by Gary Jordan, and 'The Girl with a Bicycle' by Wandering Lanes."
Chocolate flies through the air, whether thrown by Gary or for Gary is unclear. The chocoholics in the crowd fight for the even the tiniest pieces.
Rui gamely presses onward. "Best Series/Serial: 'NanoVirus' by cmsix, and 'The Seduction of Simone' by Harriet."
Table thumping drowns out the loud clapping and cmsix can be heard to call out, "Drinks are on me!"
Rui has to pause while the barmaids rush to fill everyone's drink request. He wonders if cmsix realizes that his bar tab is likely to be in the triple digits by the time everything's said and done. With a shrug of his shoulders, he continues, "Best Short Story by a New Author: 'Ruthie's Hair' by Selena Jardine."
The table of Ruthie's Club patrons blow their party horns and start a conga line.
Rui just shakes his head and says, "Best Long Story by a New Author: 'The Girl with a Bicycle' by Wandering Lanes."
"Again," Wandering Lanes mutters in disbelief. Gary's Muse hands over the second award and meanders off, leaving Wandering Lanes staring at the two awards.
"Best Erotic Poety," says Rui, "is 'All Else' by iambe."
A shadowy writer breaks out pen and paper, and starts composing a sonnet, inspired the energy pulsing in the room.
Rui smiles. "Best Seasonal Story: 'Still Together' by Oosh."
Jimmy Bot hands her the award and gets slapped for trying to cop a feel.
"The award for Classic Clit goes to: 'Soccer Moms' by Mark Aster, 'Chest' by Deirdre, 'The Watching Trilogy' by Alan Mathews, and 'CAMP' by Net Wolf."
A moment of silence is observed for those writers no longer active for one reason or another. (Narrator's Note: Not that the four mentioned writers have all disappeared from our climes. Just taking the moment of silence because we are talking "Classic" Clit.)
Rui breaks the silence. "Best Romantic Story: 'War Secret' by Oosh."
Jimmy Bot decides to station himself by Oosh's table.
"Best Same Sex Story: 'Turnabout is kind play' by iambe."
Rui takes a drink to wet his parched throat, and carries bravely on. "Best Mind Control Story: 'Ahead of the Game' by Night Wolf."
Through the clapping and shouting he continues, "Best BDSM (bondage, discipline and sado-masochism) Story: 'Tag, You're IT' by Pami."
Pami stands up and says, "Since Allison couldn't be here with us tonight, I'm not wearing any panties in her honor. Verification volunteers will be screened after the ceremony. Thank you." She accepts her award from Jimmy Bot and sits back down.
"Best Heterosexual Story: 'Curtains' by Selena Jardine," Rui announces.
Alexis stands up and toasts her dueling partner. Selena responds in kind, tossing back her drink like a sailor. Which gets Gary's attention, of course.
Rui consults the few pieces of paper he has left. "Nearing the end of the announcements, Best Humor Story: 'The Princess and the Pea' by Oosh."
Again, the applause is deafening.
"Which brings us to the next to last award for the evening. The award for Best New Author goes to Selena Jardine."
Selena high fives Father Nat, her smile bright enough to make even the mysterious author in the corner take notice.
"And last, but definitely not least, the award for Author of the Year goes to... Oosh!"
He tosses the slips of paper up in the air in triumph. "Congratulations to all the winners. And all the writers, period. Job well done." With a sigh of relief that gets promptly drowned out by the cheering, backslapping and general revelry, Rui slides down off the bar. With a girl on either side, he walks slowly out into the night black...
Author | Finish |
---|---|
Al Steiner | nominee |
Ann Douglas | finalist |
Alexander Renault | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Anais Ninja | nominee |
AstridL | nominee |
celia batau | finalist |
cmsix | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Cueman | nominee |
Desdmona | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Don Winslow | nominee |
DrSpin | finalist |
Father Ignatius | finalist |
Gambit | nominee |
Gary Jordan | nominee |
theGreatxIam | finalist |
Harriet | finalist |
Harry Tasker | finalist |
Hecate | finalist |
JeremyDCP (HighlanderJM) | nominee |
iambe | finalist |
Ice Phoenix | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Jamie Joy Gatto | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Jimmy Hat | nominee |
Jordan Shelbourne | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Kari Gold | nominee |
Katherine T | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Kenny M Gamera | nominee |
Knickers | nominee |
Linda Jean | nominee |
Maria Gonzales | nominee |
Mat Twassel | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Meme Misspelt | nominee |
MikeC | finalist |
Miltone | nominee |
Nicholas Urfe | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Oosh | winner/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Pami | nominee |
The Purvv | finalist |
Ray1031 | finalist |
Reverend Cotton Mather | finalist |
Selena Jardine | finalist |
Souvie | finalist |
Uther Pendragon | nominee |
Wiseguy | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Story | Finish |
Amadou by Helena Settiman | nominee |
Babysitter Brad by Kari Gold | nominee |
Bedtime Stories with Kelly 18 by Kelly Adams | nominee |
Betting on Nine Ball by Jimmy Hat | nominee |
Bondage Daddy: Playing with Daddy's Tools by Father Ignatius | nominee |
The Brat And The Rat by DrSpin | finalist |
Caught by Oosh | nominee |
Curtains by Selena Jardine | nominee |
Diabolus in Musica by Souvie | nominee |
Don't Sit Under the Palmetto Tree by Cait N. | nominee |
Empirical Research by Wiseguy | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
The Eve of Victory by Oosh | winner/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
A Garden Called You by Jamie Joy Gatto | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Giggling by Nicholas Urfé | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
The Girl from Molly Malone's by Harriet | finalist |
The Girl Next Door by Ann Douglas | nominee |
Haunted by Jordan Shelbourne | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Healer by Sven the Elder | nominee |
Her Sweet Heady Scent by Ray1031 | nominee |
Home Safe by Selena Jardine | nominee |
The Key to the Whole Thing by theGreatxIam | nominee |
Lesbian Schoolgirl Sluts... by Hecate | finalist |
A Letter from your Worst Nightmare by Admiral Cartwright | nominee |
Love Conquers All by Night Wolf | finalist |
Matthew Fantasy #1 by Pretty Young Thing | nominee |
A Mid-Morning Snack by Pami | nominee |
Milagritos by celia batau | nominee |
Mitsuko by Ann Dulaney | finalist |
Moon Ghosts and Memory Boxes by Desdmona | nominee |
My Daddy's Slave by Kenny N Gamera | finalist |
Nerve Path by Al Steiner | nominee |
On my university campus by Emi Tsuruta | nominee |
Something New by Katie McN | finalist |
Taffy Pull by Jimmy Hat | finalist |
Tag, You're IT by Pami | nominee |
Topped by Katherine T | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Til Death Do Us Part by Desdmona | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Twelve Nights by Wiseguy | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
War Secret by Oosh | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
The Way To Pittsburgh by Mat Twassel | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Why the Bride was Late by OosH | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
The Years Like Pearls on Velvet by Rev. Cotton Mather | nominee |
Story | Finish |
Beggars Can't Be... by Kenny N Gamera | finalist |
The Big O2 by Ice Phoenix | nominee |
Blame It on "Ed" by Meme Misspelt | nominee |
Business Class by Wiseguy | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
Carl Naked in School by Peregrinf | finalist |
A Cure For Writer's Block by Ice Phoenix | nominee |
First Impressions by Gary Jordan | winner |
Flights of Consciousness by Paul Phenomenon | nominee |
The Girl with a Bicycle by Wandering Lanes | winner |
The Neighbour's Daughter by Henrik Larsen | nominee |
Playing the Game" book one by Reverend Cotton Mather | finalist |
Scout's Honor by theGreatxIam | finalist |
Six Days and Seven Nights by Don Winslow | finalist |
The Smell of Sex by Couture | winner |
Wanderings by Anais Ninja | finalist |
Story | Finish |
Ahead of the Game by Night Wolf | finalist |
The Ace Dyson series by DrSpin | finalist |
The Adventures of Maytag and Stanton by Jimmy Hat | finalist |
as falls cuyahoga so falls cuyahoga falls by Nicholas Urfe | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
The Beauty Mark Series (Jan Pearson Stories) by Lazarus | nominee |
Dragonseekers by Eric Storm | finalist/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
James by MikeC | finalist |
Heart Ball by Uther Pendragon | finalist |
Island Paradise series by HighlanderJM | nominee |
Justice Seven by Ice Phoenix | finalist |
The Lottery by Dark Vision | finalist |
Middle School Mysteries by Kary Gold | nominee |
NanoVirus by cmsix | winner/ Silver Clitorides Winner |
The Nicola Adventures by Knickers | finalist |
Paula - Schoolgirl Slut by Cueman | nominee |
Playing the Game by Reverend Cotton Mather | finalist |
The Seduction of Simone by Harriet | winner |
The Subway series by theGreatxIam | finalist |
The Thigh vs Thigh Series by Shon Richards | finalist |
The Victim/Victorian Series by Vinnie Tesla | finalist |
Author | Finish |
DiscipleN | nominee |
D.K.N. Burke | nominee |
Emi Tsuruta | finalist |
Kari Gold | finalist |
Knickers | nominee |
Lazarus | nominee |
Meme Misspelt | finalist |
Paul Phenomenon | nominee |
Selena Jardine | winner |
Smilodon | nominee |
theGreatxIam | finalist |
Wandering Lanes | nominee |
Vinnie Tesla | finalist |
Night Wolf | finalist |
Story | Finish |
Among the Ashes by Smilodon | nominee |
Babysitter Brad by Kari Gold | finalist |
Curtains by Selena Jardine | finalist |
The Girl from Molly Malone's by Harriet | finalist |
Home Safe by Selena Jardine | finalist |
Love Conquers All by Night Wolf | finalist |
On my university campus by Emi Tsuruta | finalist |
Ruthie's Hair by Selena Jardine | winner |
Sex Kitten by Knickers | nominee |
Vichyssoise by AstridL | nominee |
Story | Finish |
'Blame It on "Ed"' by Meme Misspelt | finalist |
A Cure For Writer's Block by Ice Phoenix | finalist |
Flights of Consciousness by Paul Phenomenon | finalist |
The Girl with a Bicycle by Wandering Lanes | winner |
Going Home by Sir Eos Portman | finalist |
Kathy Learns by Dark Vision | finalist |
Scout's Honor by theGreatxIam | finalist |
The Shadow Knight Chronicles by Gambit | finalist |
Story | Finish |
All Else by iambe | winner |
Grandma's Getting Naked On The Cam Again by Desdmona | finalist |
The Path in the Fog by Oosh | finalist |
A Torrid Love by Rickey Pittman | finalist |
Virtually Yours by AstridL | finalist |
Story | Finish |
Associations by AstridL | finalist |
Diabolus in Musica by Souvie | finalist |
Haunted by Jordan Shelbourne | finalist |
Heart Ball by Uther Pendragon | finalist |
Revelations and Resolutions by Paul Phenomenon | finalist |
Still Together by Oosh | winner |
Twelve Nights by Wiseguy | finalist |
Story | Finish |
CAMP by Net Wolf | winner |
Chest by deirdre | winner |
Fame: Light Up the Sky Like a Flame by Uncle Mike | finalist |
Ricksha Boy: Servicing the Tourist Industry by Father Ignatius | finalist |
Soccer Moms by Mark Aster | winner |
The Watching Trilogy by Alan Mathews | winner |
Virgin (On The Ridiculous) by Jordan Shelbourne | finalist |
Story | Finish |
Beggars Can't Be... by Kenny N Gamera | nominee |
The Big O2 by Ice Phoenix | nominee |
First impressions by Gary Jordan | finalist |
Healer by Sven the Elder | nominee |
Her Sweet Heady Scent by Ray1031 | finalist |
James by MikeC | finalist |
Knowledge Too Soon by El Gato | nominee |
Lingerie by Father Ignatius and Selena Jardine | finalist |
Moon Ghosts and Memory Boxes by Desdmona | finalist |
Orphans by El Gato | finalist |
Playing the Game by Reverend Cotton Mather | nominee |
Seven Flashes by Selena Jardine | nominee |
Still Together by Oosh | nominee |
Til Death Do Us Part by Desdmona | finalist |
War Secret by Oosh | winner |
Wings As Eagles by Jay Lance | nominee |
Story | Finish |
The Adventures of Jade by Hummvee | nominee |
Caught by Oosh | finalist |
The Eve of Victory by Oosh | finalist |
The Girl Next Door by Ann Douglas | finalist |
Lesbian Schoolgirl Sluts... by Hecate | finalist |
Sex Kitten by Knickers | nominee |
Turnabout is kind play by iambe | winner |
War Secret by Oosh | finalist |
Story | Finish |
Ahead of the Game by Night Wolf | winner |
Lesbian Schoolgirl Sluts... by Hecate | finalist |
Master PC - Julian's Education by Julian Coreto | finalist |
Overheard by Meme Misspelt | finalist |
Story | Finish |
Behind the Scenes of Raping Michael by Wifey | finalist |
'Blame It on "Ed"' by Meme Misspelt | finalist |
Cynthia Martin by Morgan | finalist |
Lesbian Schoolgirl Sluts... by Hecate | finalist |
Tag, You're IT by Pami | winner |
The Victim/Victorian Series by Vinnie Tesla | finalist |
Story | Finish |
Beggars Can't Be... by Kenny N Gamera | nominee |
The Brat And The Rat by DrSpin | finalist |
Carwash Cuties by Knickers | nominee |
Curtains by Selena Jardine | winner |
Dragonseekers by Eric Storm | finalist |
Her Sweet Heady Scent by Ray1031 | nominee |
James by MikeC | nominee |
The Key to the Whole Thing by theGreatxIam | finalist |
Ladies Love Larrikins by DrSpin | finalist |
A Mid-Morning Snack by Pami | nominee |
Playing the Game by Reverend Cotton Mather | finalist |
Tag, You're IT by Pami | finalist |
(transportation vignette) by Meme Misspelt | nominee |
The Victim/Victorian Series by Vinnie Tesla | nominee |
Story | Finish |
Beggars Can't Be... by Kenny N Gamera | finalist |
The Brat And The Rat by DrSpin | finalist |
Crying Out Loud by theGreatxIam | nominee |
The Fox and the Chick by Leowulf | nominee |
Grandma's Getting Naked On The Cam Again by Desdmona | finalist |
James by MikeC | nominee |
Ladies Love Larrikins by DrSpin | finalist |
NOT a Knight in Shining Armor... by Gary Jordan | finalist |
The Princess and the Pea by Oosh | winner |
Subway Stories #2: Thanks for the Memories by TheGreatxIam | nominee |
The Thigh vs Thigh Series by Shon Richards | finalist |
The Victim/Victorian Series by Vinnie Tesla | nominee |
A pale yellow background indicates a winner. | |
A varied blue background indicates a finalist. |