La Taverna was decked out for the awards evening in what could only be described as a cross between neoclassical and Greco-Roman. Ionic columns flanked either side of the main entrance and a realistic pediment towered above it. A banner read, "2006 GCA Gala."
Gone were the metal detectors and prophylactic-sniffing dogs of last year. It seemed like anyone who possessed an invitation - either real or forged - was allowed entrance. The only requirement was patrons had to be adorned in a toga. Designer floor length (and barely-cover-the-ass-length) togas in satiny hues of eggshell and white mingled with homemade bed sheet versions. Strappy sandaled feet walked alongside bare feet. Everyone had gotten into the swing of things.
After showing the invitation to the guard at the door, Commander Robert Edward Yarborough (Bobby) Lee, patrons entered to find the sometimes-shabby interior transformed as well. A huge domed ceiling was bathed in dancing light from wall torches. The tables and booths had been scrubbed and polished and shone almost as much as the new (and temporary) ceiling. Once inside, members of Girl Scout Troop 535 ½ showed patrons to their waiting seats.
Approximately twenty minutes after the ceremony was due to get underway, half the torches were extinguished and a single spotlight shone on the newly redesigned stage. A toga-clad woman appeared and walked toward the front. Her hair was piled atop her head and strands of gold were woven in among the raven tresses. Those closest to the stage quickly realized this wasn't Souvie (mousy brown short hair), and those toward the back of the room wondered how they'd be able to hear her since no microphone was in sight.
"Ladies and gentlemen," her booming contralto pierced the cool tavern air, "and other beings of every race, gender, size, species and sexual preference, I welcome you to the presentation of the 2006 Golden Clitorides Awards. I bring apologies from Souvie, who is under the weather and unable to host tonight."
She held up her hand to quiet the parade of groans and sighs that followed her statement. "However, I have the results, and she's asked me, the Awards Muse, to hold court in her stead."
She put her hands on her hips, squared her feet and frowned. "That being said, let's get something straight: I have a hot man and a new vibrator waiting at home for me, so I don't want any dilly-dallying with getting your award. In fact, it's going to be streamlined this year. I've got the awards printed up on this scroll. I'm going to nail it to the post on the far side of the room. It'll be projected onto the big screen that my centaurs should be pushing into place behind me at any minute. You'll read the results, come get your awards." She gestured to a table off to stage left where all the awards waited to be claimed. "There will be no pushing, shoving, biting, hair pulling, dick pulling, pussy snatching or anything else of a down-and-dirty nature. You'll calmly collect the awards and make your speeches afterwards, once the paparazzi arrives."
There was a buzz of malcontent and she held up one delicately polished finger. "If everyone abides by these rules, and don't think I won't find out, La Taverna's bar will be open for the rest of the night. As in an open bar, people," she clarified.
There were whistles and catcalls and offers of marriage tossed her way. "However, if I find out differently, and don't think I couldn't, you'll all be sent a bill for what you imbibe tonight, and it'll be doubled."
Giving the attendees time for that to sink in, she withdrew a scroll from inside her bodice and walked to the back of the room. Her centaurs, as promised, wheeled an enormous projection screen onto the spot she'd been standing.
Within minutes, the Awards Muse was gone, and there up on the screen, were the 2006 Golden Clitorides Awards results:
Author of the Year
1st place - Al Steiner
2nd place - Lazlo Zalezac
3rd place - Nick Scipio
Flash Story of the Year
1st place - Do Bloody What? by the Wanderer
2nd place - Sex for Grades by Nobilis
3rd place - Retirement by Russell Hoisington
Short Story of the Year
1st place - Honorable Infidelity by Wine Maker
2nd place - One Door Closed... by Onagerian Surmise
3rd place - April Showers by Russell Hoisington
Long Story of the Year
1st place - Greenies by Al Steiner
2nd place - Washed Up by Lazlong
3rd place - Intemperance by Al Steiner
Best New Author
1st place - Asa Strong
2nd place - Onagerian Surmise
3rd place - Marsh Alien
Best Story by a New Author
1st place - Poverty Hill by Asa Strong
2nd place - Shelter From the Storm by SweetWitch
3rd place (tie) - Stormy Monday by Onagerian Surmise & Living Dolls by Marsh Alien
Classic Clitoride
1st place - Twice Lucky by Joe J.
2nd place - That's What Friends Are For by dotB
3rd place - Unplanned Layover by J.C. Miller
Best BDSM Story
1st place - Growing Up a Master by MWTB
2nd place - Finding Elvis by Wine Maker
3rd place - Sam by Samantha K.
Best Furry/Best/Zoo Story
1st place - Manipulated by Fiction Writer #13
2nd place - A Better World II by Robert Wilson
3rd place - Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell by Danyealle
Best Heterosexual Story
1st place - A Different Sort of Lifestyle by Lazlo Zalezac
2nd place - Jack and Jill by Old Fart
3rd place - Shelter From the Storm by SweetWitch
Best Erotic Horror Story
1st place - Now This Won't Hurt a Bit by A Strange Geek
2nd place - Home by the Sea by Darkniciad
3rd place - Don't Fear the Reaper by Danyealle
Best Erotic Humor Story
1st place - The Trailer Park: The Fourth Year by Wizard
2nd place - Best of Both Worlds by Dilettante
3rd place - A Prickly Situation by Russell Hoisington
Best Erotic MC Story
1st place - Program Alpha-Omega by Eric Storm
2nd place - Master PC - The Protector by TechnicDragon
3rd place - The House at the End of the Street by A Strange Geek
Best Erotic Poetry
1st place - Orgasmic by Danyealle
2nd place - Thank You by Souvie
3rd place - On Deathbed's Door by DG Hear
Best Romantic Story
1st place - Washed Up by Lazlong
2nd place - Nereids by Nick Scipio
3rd place - A Different Sort of Lifestyle by Lazlo Zalezac
Best Same Sex Story
1st place - Hannah Sawyer by Gina Marie Wylie
2nd place - Stormy Monday by Onagerian Surmise
3rd place - Finding Elvis by Wine Maker
Best Science Fiction/Fantasy Story
1st place - Greenies by Al Steiner
2nd place - Washed Up by Lazlong
3rd place - Hannah Sawyer by Gina Marie Wylie
Best Erotic Seasonal Story
1st place - A Little Halloweenie by Old Fart
2nd place - The Red Velvet Suite by SweetWitch
3rd place - Thanksgiving Talk by DG Hear
Best Series
1st place - Wagons Ho! by Lazlong
2nd place - John Carter by Lazlo Zalezac
3rd place - Twice Lucky by Joe J.
Best Story in a Shared Universe
1st place - Nereids by Nick Scipio
2nd place - Jake, NIS by Mr Freeze
3rd place - Karma by Wine Maker
Best Shared Universe
1st place - Summer Camp Universe created by Nick Scipio
2nd place - Greenies/A Perfect World Universe created by Al Steiner
3rd place - NIS Universe created by Karen Wagner
Best Voyeur/Exhibitionism Story
1st place - The Lady in Blue by Wine Maker
2nd place - The House at the End of the Street by A Strange Geek
3rd place - Manipulated by Fiction Writer #13
A heartfelt thanks to all the writers and all the readers. It's a symbiosis kind of relationship, in my opinion, and in reality, everyone ends up winning.
P.S. Someone else it taking over the GCAs for next year. An announcement will made in ASSD and on SOL shortly. I'm not lying when I say I will miss it.
P.P.S: Lazeez has taken over the awards and restarted them in 2013. The Clitorides Awards have their own site now.