By Stepdaddy
Copyright 2015
Story codes: Mf, teacher/schoolgirl, poem
I find that as a teacher, there's one metaphor most apt
To best evoke the imagery which has me now so rapt
The girl is only thirteen, whom I'm just about to taste:
Undies dangling from one foot, skirt pushed up about her waist
Assigning her detention gives me half an hour at least
No fear of interruption to disturb my pending feast
She's always had a crush on me, shyly batting lashes,
But lately so much bolder with her front-row panty flashes
I'd been teaching similes to my seventh-period class
After which she'd sashayed out, swinging seventh-grader ass
I'd called her back and told her she'd be staying after school
Now in a moment mouth and twat will be exchanging drool
If I sought a simile for the flesh before my nose
Her aromatic organ presents "like a petalled rose."
| Nickname | Date | Feedback |
|---|---|---|
| bardman | 11/16/2015 | As a performance poet and English teacher, and teeny lover, I approve! One or two bits I would tighten up but I like it! |
| Thanks, Bardman! Please share your pointers, I am very open to "workshopping" my material. --Stepdaddy |
||
| Bardman | 11/20/2015 | Ok, I feel the rhythm would improve with a couple of slight adjustments. Line 9 - I taught similes and metaphors to my seventh period class and Line 14, add 'just' before 'like'. Otherwise, the poem works really well. |
| This is fun, I really enjoy discussing this. Feel free to contact me with an email if you want to do this less publicly, or we can continue here like this. I appreciate the give-and-take. original: I'd been teaching similes to my seventh-period class After which she'd sashayed out, swinging seventh-grader ass ... If I sought a simile for the flesh before my nose Her aromatic organ presents "like a petalled rose." VS alternative: I taught similes and metaphors to my seventh-period class After which she'd sashayed out, swinging seventh-grader ass .... If I sought a simile for the flesh before my nose Her aromatic organ presents "just like a petalled rose." ### I like your version, too. I'll continue to prefer my choice in the first couplet in question. As for the second, I actually considered that, but not trusting my own command of meter I felt it violated my rigorous obedience to the underlying iambic heptameter (that is, I'm a poor enough a poet to try to stay out of trouble by diligently following the "rules.") Ironically, after saying that, now that I look at it, I'm not sure I followed the rules in my own attempt, either! So, in the first couplet, I intentionally preferred my phrasing for two reasons: One, I wanted more of the past-perfect progressive to precede the next line's past-perfect. Two, I wanted to only bring in the reference to metaphor in the final couplet -- i.e. the "lessons" so far had been inadequate to the task, so the teacher had to bring in a more advanced "lesson plan." (I'm not a teacher of adolescents....well, at least not a scholastic teacher...but I remember first being taught similes and then being taught metaphors in "the next unit" or whatever. But that may have been earlier. By seventh grade you may be just reviewing the topic, in one lesson.) If I were to adopt your alternative I think I would still maintain the past-perfect, with an "I'd taught" rather than "I taught." So, onto the second couplet in question. Definitely the insertion of "just" pleases my reading mind from a meaning/style point of view. I didn't include it because it made the line "too long". But on a rescanning, I myself seem to have already violated the iambic, in both lines: Iambic pentameter should be: -/-/-/-/-/-/-/ mine: /-/-/-/--//--/ -/-/-/--//-/-/ The first line is all mucked, but the second was supposed to be iambic because I "heard" PRE-sents, but now I think it is pre-SENTS, so violated already. so, your alternative adds a syllable, unless you voice "OR-gan" more as "ORGn", which you can, which then would bring your line into better meter than mine: her AR o MAT ic ORGn preSENTS "just LIKE a PETalled ROSE." Which actually works. I think yours is better. --Stepdaddy |
Writers love to hear from their readers, so please leave a comment about this story for Stepdaddy. If you leave your email address, it will be kept in strict confidence; we won't publish it online unless you want us to.
Also, if you like this story, you should consider posting a Reader's Recommendation. Share the love! You will be asked for the URL to the story, so make sure you copy that before following the link.
| (Please note that we reserve the right to publish comments on my web site at my discretion.) |