Stepdaddy's renown as a man of Ietters (hebephilic and pornographic) has led many to seek his wisdom through the years, leading to the establishment of the "Dear Stepdaddy" advice column. Please feel free to pen your own queries; Stepdaddy will respond in this column, or privately if you so request. Your letters are assumed to be just as fictional and tongue-in-cheek as the examples below. You can find his stories and poetry here.
Dear Stepdaddy,
I've been modeling my life on your writings ever since my daughter turned thirteen. As you might imagine, my entire existence now revolves around my little princess!
Now the precocious seventh grader is begging me to sign a consent form so that she can get a tattoo. I know that tattoos are all the rage, but don't you think they'll go out of style soon, leaving my little Sweetpea regretting the choice? What should I do?
-- Wrapped Around Her Finger
Dear Wrapped,
I agree with you about this surprisingly long-lived fad: it has to end soon. Yes, it is very hot to see a young little teenie-bopper wearing a tattoo in a sexy location, but this has gone far enough. Not only do many seventh-graders sport them (yummy!), but so do a lot of seventh-graders' moms (...errrr).
I myself have been faced with this decision. My own daughter begged me to let her get a special tattoo, and her specific idea was certainly a rod-stiffener.
Sure, it would have looked totally cute at fourteen (her age at the time), but then I thought eight or ten years into the future. By then, my little cupcake will be all grown up, and in graduate school, if my hopes for her pan out. What if she realizes then that to curry the favor of her faculty advisor, and she must allow the forty-year old lesbian to frequently dine upon my darling's waxed-smooth muffin?
The more I thought, meditated, and masturbated about it, the more I realized that this busybody feminist academic, admittedly mythical and yet so vivid in my minds' eye, might cause both my daughter and me all sorts of trouble.
Sure, she'd love the tattoo, and would probably go cross-eyed over the course of the semester, staring down the length of her own nose at its taunting text throughout her lengthy and talented cunnilingual sessions, worshipping between my daughter's tender thighs. But as the semester approached its conclusion, and she imagined my little girl heading for home -- and for me -- over the holiday, I figure the jealous old dyke would find some way to either blackmail my daughter or to get me indicted, just because of a cute, clit-crowning tattoo, clearly inked-in so many years before, reading: "Daddy's Cum Dump".
I suggest instead you make the compromise we did: piercings. They're hip, they're sexy, and ultimately, they're removable. And although you may be disappointed that you didn't get to permanently brand your daughter, you'll enjoy countless hours twisting her nipple rings, chewing on her clit ring, and spanking her ass on the pretext that her labial rings are just too fucking slutty. And, if your daughter ever goes to graduate school, the horny muff-diving "womyns studies" professor she enslaves will have no idea that it is you she has to thank for that adornment.
As I always say, "Better safe than sorry."
--SD
--SD
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