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by deirdre, 10/9/95
I sat there, looking at Diane. To say that I was stunned would be an understatement. "I *thought* this would be a bad idea," she said.
I didn't answer. I still sat there, my mind in a whirl. The things Richard had said! I still couldn't believe this had happened. I'd *trusted* him... I'd opened myself up to him! It was like a nightmare--it *was* a nightmare. "I *knew* it was a bad idea, from the beginning," said Diane. I realized she was standing over me, looking down at me as I sat. She looked worried. I still didn't speak. I thought again about Richard.
"You'd better talk," she finally continued. She was sitting next to me now.
"How could he *be* like that?" I finally said. My eyes stung.
"I *never* should have let you talk me into it," she said. "Listen Kate; Everyone has their secrets."
"But..."
"No, listen to me: *you* have secret desires."
"I don't want to *whip* anyone!"
"But... listen, *you* wanted to know his innermost thoughts. I *told* you to forget about it--I *knew* it would be a disaster, and I never should have let you talk me into it."
"You mean you'd rather I never *knew*?"
She didn't answer right away, but took a deep breath. "Kate... that wasn't so strange."
I just stared at Diane. It didn't make sense. It *wasn't strange* that my boyfriend wanted to *whip* me? To *humiliate* me and, as he said, make me *beg for mercy*? Finally she talked again: "If you look into a person's mind, you have to expect, well, the unexpected. Oh, I *wish* you'd never let me talk you into this. It wasn't right. Even with your, uh, problems with Tom, I never should have agreed to this." She stopped, but I couldn't speak. I could hardly see, my eyes burned so much. She went on: "Listen, there is *nothing wrong* with Richard."
"But..."
"You heard him *say* he *loves* you."
"And wants to *whip* me!"
"Well, we *asked*. Listen, if there is one thing that hypnosis teaches you, it is not to get so upset about other people's private thoughts. You're going to have to get over this or you'll lose him for sure."
"*Lose him*!?" I was suddenly hysterical. "I can't stay with *him*!"
"Hey! You *told* me you *love* him. That's why you wanted to peek into his thoughts, remember? To make sure he wasn't another Tom? And now you know: *he* loves *you*!"
"But..."
"*Forget* that other stuff!"
I sat silently for a second. It suddenly occurred to me that I didn't understand Diane at all. How could she be talking like this? "But what if he *hurts* me?"
"Why would he hurt you?"
"He *wants* to! He said..."
"He has a desire. He's like anybody: he has *lots* of desires."
I paused again. "He *wants* to hurt me! If I stay with him, he'll hurt me."
"No he won't."
"Why wouldn't he?"
"Because he's a decent person. So he *knows* it isn't right to hurt you unless you want it."
"But..."
"People feel the desire to do *lots* of things. Think about when you're really *mad* at someone." She stopped for a second. "Everyone gets mad inside sometimes, but decent people control themselves. Why?" I still didn't answer and just stared at her. "Because they have *other* desires that are *important* to them: being fair, for one.
"He might feel a desire to do some strange things, but if he's decent, and I *know* he is; *you've* told me that; then that desire won't be *nearly* so important to him as treating you right."
"But *knowing* he wants that..."
"And I never should have let you talk me into this hypnosis thing even if I can do it. Never again! And listen, those desires are *not* that strange: lots of guys have them." Again she paused to let me speak and I didn't. But my mind was racing: *lots of guys want to whip girls*? "And girls too. It's just a *desire*. And some couples do it, you know."
"But it's *sick*!"
"It's *normal*."
"You mean a guy whipping a girl is normal?"
"If they're not hurting anybody! There *are* couples who do that stuff just for fun, in the bedroom."
I stared: "How can you *say* that?"
"It *is*! They're not hurting anybody."
"But a woman like that. She needs *help*!"
"If she's doing it because she's insecure, yes. But a secure woman could choose to do it for fun."
"Fun!"
"Yes! To indulge a desire, if she feels safe with the man. If he's *decent*."
I still didn't get it. It seemed like the world turned upside down what with Diane defending Richard. "You say normal women let themselves be whipped and humiliated?"
"Only when they choose to: they make sort of a game out of it." I just stared. "They make a rule: only in the bedroom when both are ready for it: and the woman can stop it any time." Again I didn't answer. "They only go as far as they *both* enjoy."
"A woman enjoys being humiliated?"
"Not for *real*. But she *can* indulge such a desire even if on balance she wouldn't want it to really happen."
I paused, then spoke: "No one does that."
"Yes they do."
"How do *you* know?"
Now she paused. I could see she was thinking. "I'm a hypnotist. I learn about people. And I read."
"Do *you*..." I started, but I never finished.
My mind was still in a whirl as I lay in bed that night. The things Richard had said. The things *Diane* had said!
I did try to get back together with Richard, but it never worked. I never told him about it, but I couldn't get it out of my mind when I was with him. I felt both revulsion and shame. It was too much. We broke up and I'm sure he never quite figured out why.
About a year later, I saw him coming out of a restaurant. He had his arm around Diane.