Confidence

©2016 Bethesda Wisdom

I’m lost. That’s all I can think as I try to get it together. I’ve procrastinated to the point that now it’s pretty much over. I had weeks to prepare and instead of being a normal responsible adult, I’ve acted like a child and pushed it off until the very last minute.

I’m not going to have a Halloween costume tonight.

First of all, I shouldn’t be blamed since I didn’t want to do it to begin with. The whole thing was Rachel’s idea and she acted like she did us a favor by coming up with it.

“We should do a group costume this year!” She exclaimed while we were out having lunch a couple weeks ago. “The three of us should all go together!”

“Wouldn’t it be lame if we all wore the same thing?” Tia says in typical Tia fashion. She’s always the one to point out what is lame and what isn’t.

“No, like a theme,” Rachel corrects her, sounding annoyed that her brilliant plan wasn’t understood right off the bat. “Like we all go as Charlie’s Angels or something.”

“Charlie’s Angels is lame,” Tia says. She’s so predictable.

That’s when Rachel turned to me. “What do you think Haley?”

I’m always the one in the middle with them. I can tell Tia’s not on board but I think her dislike for the idea is much less palpable than Rachel’s enthusiasm.

“Well, okay,” I say. Rachel’s about to jump out of her seat so I cut in before it’s too late. “But only if we come up with something cool. Not Charlie’s Angels.” I glance at Tia and she shrugs. I’ve successfully appeased both of them.

Looking back, I wish I had agreed to Charlie’s Angels. That would’ve been easy! Wear tight fitting black pants and a tight fitting black top and make a gun pose all night. Simple. No, instead I let Rachel decide on Hocus Pocus. The worst part is, I don’t even know the movie all that well. Apparently it was Rachel’s favorite as a kid and Tia seemed to know it too. They told me it was a movie about three witches, so I thought it’d be easy. All I have to do is find a witch costume during Halloween. Since I’m blonde, they made me the Sarah Jessica Parker character. It wasn’t until yesterday when Rachel texted me to make sure my costume was ready that I remembered about it. After Googling some images of the movie (something I should’ve done weeks ago) I realized I was going to need a lot more than just a regular old witch costume. There’s no way I’m going to be able to put this together. We’re going to a friend’s Halloween party in a few hours and at the moment the only thing I have even resembling a witch is my uncombed hair.

What is wrong with me?

It’s not so much the costume thing that I’m upset about, it’s more the fact that I’m always do things like this. High school ended four months ago and I’m not going to college because I missed the application deadlines. I’m single because my ex-boyfriend got tired of what he called my “flakey nature”. Whatever that means. I just don’t like responsibility. I hate it when people depend on me for stuff or when people want me to make decisions. I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?

Well that’s exactly what I got. Adam left me and we’ve barely spoken since.

I think I’m just going to show up to the party in regular clothes. My costume will be no costume. It’ll be so meta.

After staring into my closet for a good twenty minutes hoping some kind of inspiration will hit me, I give up and head downstairs to the kitchen. My mom is cooking dinner. She glances up when I come in.

“Still here?” She asks.

“Uh-huh,” I say as I get a glass of water.

Ever since my parents found out I wasn’t going to college, things have been different. I notice they don’t look at me anymore. It’s like I’m a walking embodiment of disappointment. I never knew college was so important to them. My dad mentioned off hand that he just assumed I was taking care of it. Why would he assume something like that? College costs tons of money. Weren’t they surprised I never asked about money? It’s just as much on them as it is on me. Maybe it’s because I told them I did apply to a couple schools and didn’t fess up until graduation a couple months ago.

“How can you be so irresponsible?!” My dad scolds me, right there on the football field after the ceremony ended. “Don’t you care about your future?”

I could see a couple of people around me snickering and laughing. I felt so embarrassed, so I just put my head down and didn’t say anything. My typical response.

“So you have nothing to say?” He pressed on.

Usually this is the point when my mom will cut in and tell him to ease up but this time she didn’t. She stayed silent, shaking her head ever so slightly.

She agreed with him.

“Dad, stop,” my sister Erin said. She had just finished her freshman year and a few of her friends were there looking at us. She became pretty popular this last year (much more than I ever was after four years). Some of her friends were actually in my year. She’s always the one everyone likes, even my parents.

I glanced up at my dad finally and he just gave me this dead look. Then he put his arm around Erin.

“Let’s go,” he said, and walked away.

I looked at my mom and she just shook her head and turned to follow my dad, leaving me alone on the football field, surrounded by happy families all celebrating the accomplishment of graduation. Everyone except me. I fought back some tears and eventually joined them in the car. We drove home and no one said anything.

That’s how it’s been the last four months and tonight is no different.

“I thought you were going out tonight?” My mom asks me, snapping me back to the present.

“Uh, yeah, I am,” I say as I drink my water.

“Well, don’t stay out too late.”

I nod as I finish my glass and set it on the counter and turn to leave.

“Haley,” my mom says.

I turn around and she points with her eyes to the glass I left on the counter. I forgot to put it in the dishwasher.

“I’m not your maid,” she says as I walk around her to the dishwasher. “You’re an adult now. The least you can do is clean up after yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” I say as I leave, heading back to my room, the whole time thinking about how if Erin did that she wouldn’t say anything.

Up in my room I stare at myself in the mirror. I wish I had more confidence. I wish I was more responsible. I wish people liked me.

I also wish I had a million dollars but what good are wishes?

I have on a pair of tight fitting jeans and a low cut black v-neck blouse. Maybe I should get changed? It is a party. I should probably put on a skirt but it’s cold outside. I don’t want to be freezing all night. I am showing some cleavage, isn’t that all guys want anyway? I am a B cup, that should count for something. I wish my boobs were like my grades, C’s. Oh well, add that to my list of complaints. After staring at myself for longer than I should, I finally decide this is the best it’s going to be. I run a comb through my hair and grab my purse off the dresser.

Tonight’s going to be a shit show.

*******************************************************************************

It’s easy to find the house since there’s tons of cars parked outside. I have to drive a few houses down the street in order to park. I take one last look at myself in the rearview mirror to build some confidence.

You’re strong. You’re a warrior princess. You’re Xena.

That’s the best I can come up with. It doesn’t seem to help but oh well. When I step out of the car I see a group of trick-or-treaters leaving someone’s front door, all of them looking in their bags at the candy they just received. The man waves to them as they walk away and then notices me. He’s older, but not “old”. I would guess mid-thirties. He’s handsome and I can’t seem to look away. After looking at him for longer than I should, he smiles at me and waves. I put my hand up and give a slight wave back. He’s probably a good twenty yards away but I swear I can see right into his eyes. My whole body becomes warm despite the cold chill of the October night. I swear I think there’s a light coming from his eyes but I’m sure I’m mistaken. It must be the reflection of his porch light. It’s not until he closes the door that I come back to myself.

Smooth Haley. Real smooth.

God, I’m such a weirdo in front of guys. He probably double locked his door after seeing me lear at him. I start walking down the block toward the party and am reminded of how cold it is tonight. I should’ve brought my jacket. I wrap myself in my arms and try to warm up. I’m always cold, probably because I’m all skin and bones, just a hundred and five pounds. I was never any good at sports or anything athletic for that matter. Tia always complains that I’m so skinny and yet I never work out. She’s a little thicker than most, so she’s always self conscious about it. That’s probably why she hated the Hocus Pocus idea. Since I’m Sarah Jessica Parker and Rachel is Bette Midler, that leaves the heavy set one for Tia. She wasn’t amused to say the least.

The party is in full force when I walk up to the house, the music clearly can be heard from outside. No one answers the door after I ring the bell, so I try the handle. It’s unlocked, so I let myself in. Just as expected, everyone has a red solo cup in hand. I recognize most of them despite their costumes but most don’t recognize me. They were all people I went to high school with but it was a very large class. I kind of faded into the crowd throughout my four years. I find the keg before I find Rachel and Tia, so I pour myself a drink. I’m not the biggest fan of beer but that’s all I see so far. The house is big, the bottom floor having rooms I don’t even know the purpose of. Why would someone need more than one sitting room?

When I get to the room with the TV, that’s when I see them. They both see me at the same time and I can tell immediately that they’re pissed. Both of them went all out. Rachel’s hair looks like some kind of red chair cushion and Tia sports a black bee hive. They each look like they came out of the 1600’s. I walk up to them and am about to apologize but Rachel cuts me off before I do.

“What the fuck!” She yells over the music. “Where’s your costume?”

“Well…I…” I try to come up with something but all I do is stumble.

“You forgot, didn’t you?” Tia accuses.

“No, I reminded her yesterday,” Rachel answers and looks back at me. “You said everything was ‘cool’.” She uses air quotes around the word “cool” because that’s the type of person she is, someone who uses air quotes.

“I tried,” I say, pleading my case. “It was hard to find.”

“Why didn’t you ask for help?” Rachel demands. “I could’ve helped you.”

“Well…I don’t know.” It’s all I can think to say.

“Now we look stupid,” says Tia.

“No you don’t. You look great!”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t make sense if there’s only two of us doing it,” Rachel says, clearly yelling now. “There were three witches in Hocus Pocus, everyone knows that. If it’s just two of us, then we’re just witches. Regular old witches.”

“Yeah,” Tia cuts in. “I could’ve got a witch costume from Party City. Instead I had to drive around looking for this stuff.”

I start to feel uneasy in the pit of my stomach. People are starting to stare. It reminds me of graduation all over again.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Yeah, you are,” Rachel says. She looks to Tia. “Come on.” And just like my dad did, Rachel walks away.

Tia lingers a moment and shakes her head just like my mom did. I think she’s going to say something but decides against it and walks away. I’m left standing there on my own and when I look around, I can see people looking at me snickering. They’re all dressed like they’re in some shitty B horror movie and yet they’re snickering at me. I can feel tears start to swell up behind my eyes.

Don’t cry, I think to myself. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

But of course, the more I think that, the stronger it becomes. The flood gates open and my vision becomes glassy looking through the film of tears. I take a drink of beer only so I can put the solo cup in front of my face. I chug the whole thing so I can keep the cup there long enough, hoping the tears will go away by the time I’m done, but they don’t. I’m still standing there crying. I hear someone behind me laugh and that’s when I realize I don’t want to be here anymore. The only reason I came was because of Rachel and Tia and they’ve left me. I put my head down and head for the door. No one tries to stop me. In the back of my head I was hoping at least Tia would come up and stop me, telling me she’s sorry. I get through the front door and before I know it I’m walking back down the same sidewalk I was just on not that long ago. I shouldn’t have chugged the beer as I start to feel a little dizzy. I’m such a lightweight.

I get to my car and start rifling through my purse for my keys. Of course it’s the one thing I can’t find. I have a moment of panic as I wonder if I left them in the car but before I have a chance to look through the window, I hear them clang in my bag. My hand reaches too forcefully and I drop the whole thing, spilling it’s contents onto the concrete sidewalk.

I can’t do anything right!

Suddenly it all becomes too much. My mind is firing in all directions and thoughts of what just happened mixed with graduation and all the silent disappointed looks from my parents over the last four months congeal into something that freezes me on the spot. I can’t move other than my hands, which cover my face as I begin to cry. I lean back on my car, sobbing. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I was just…I don’t know.

That’s when I hear his voice.

“Tissue?”

I look up, wiping tears from my eyes and see the man from earlier standing in front of me holding out a tissue. Behind him I can see his door is open, the light from inside spilling into the night air. He looks at me with a kind smile and again I swear there seems to be light emanating from his eyes. I can’t seem to turn away from him or speak. I try to think of something to say but nothing comes to mind. He leans in and dabs the bottom of my eyes with the tissue.

“There you go, it’s okay. You know, this kind of crying is supposed to be for Valentine’s Day, not Halloween.” He looks satisfied with his joke.

“Th…thanks.” At least I got something out.

I start to feel my body become warm again and the longer I look in his eyes, the more the feeling of crying starts to subside. I don’t know why but I’m starting to feel better.

“There you go,” he says. “That’s better. I’m Ethan. What’s your name?”

“Haley.”

“Well Haley, you seem to have made a mess of your stuff.” He glances down at the sidewalk. I completely forgot about my purse. He leans down and pushes the fallen items back into my bag and hands it back to me. “There you go.”

“Thank you,” I say.

We stand there in silence for a moment. I realize the man is truly beautiful. His blue eyes accent his light brown hair. He has a tight brown t-shirt on that shows the contours of his broad chest. He’s a little taller than me, though most guys are.

“You want to come inside,” he says. It’s not a question but more a statement and suddenly the thought of following him into his house makes my body feel warmer. I definitely do want to follow him inside.

We make our way into the house and he closes the door. It’s large, just like the one the party was in. Next to the door, a bowl filled with candy sits on a pedestal. He sees me glance at it.

“Take one,” he insists.

I grab a bite sized Snickers and unwrap it.

“Come, have a seat,” he says.

We walk into a large kitchen that looks like it’s straight out of the Martha Stewart catalogue. Gadgets and utensils line the walls and counter.

Have a seat on the stool, I hear in my head.

I glance at the end of the counter and see three stools lined along the lip of the kitchen counter. How did I know there would be a stool before I saw them? I take a seat anyway. Ethan goes to the cupboard and pulls out a bottle of wine. He doesn’t say anything to me as he does this and I don’t say anything to him. I just watch. He opens the bottle and pours two glasses of wine. He comes back over and puts the glass in front of me. Suddenly I realize wine is exactly what I wanted. He takes a seat on the stool next to me and holds his glass up to toast.

“Happy Halloween,” he says.

I clink my glass with his. “Happy Halloween.”

We both take a drink and set our glasses down.

“So,” he says. “Rough night?”

“Kind of.”

“What happened?”

I look down, ashamed to have cried over something so stupid as a halloween costume. “You don’t want to hear about it.”

“Tell me,” he insists.

Suddenly I can feel the tears start to build again and I can tell the only way to stop them is to tell him what happened.

It’s okay, a voice says in my head.

I glance up because it sounded like his voice, which means it wasn’t in my head, but I swear it felt like it.

“Well,” I begin, “My friends planned a group Halloween costume and I kind of forgot to wear it. Well no, I didn’t forget to wear it, I forgot to make it. We were supposed to go as Hocus Pocus since there’s three of us. I was supposed to be-“

“Sarah Jessica Parker,” he says cutting me off.

I look at him. “How did you know that?”

He snickers. “You’re blonde.”

Of course. Obviously. “Right. Well, I dropped the ball.”

“And they got mad at you?”

I nod.

“Your friends were overreacting.”

Again, a statement, not a question. But now it does make sense. They were totally overreacting.

“Well yeah, I guess,” I say.

“To treat someone so poorly over something as small as a halloween costume. It seems childish.”

I suppose it does. I can feel myself start to feel better. In fact, I start to forget why I was so upset to begin with. What does it matter? I glance back at Ethan and he’s looking at me with his eyebrows raised.

“Sorry,” I say. “It’s just that it really does seem silly now that I say it out loud. I don’t know why I was so upset.”

“You just needed a little help,” he says and takes another drink of his wine.

Suddenly I realize where I am. I’m in some strange man’s house. Why did I come in here? What am I doing? I don’t even know this man. I glance up at him.

You came in because you wanted to, I hear in my head. I swear it sounded like his voice but I was looking right at him and his lips weren’t moving. My heart starts to beat faster. What’s going on?

“No need to be alarmed,” he says. “I just want to help you.”

My heart is racing and I start to feel a panic attack coming on.

“Haley, look at me,” he demands. I look at him. “You’re going to calm down now.”

As I look into his eyes my heart starts to slow down to a normal pace. I can feel a sense of calm rush over me.

“All better?” He asks.

“Yes,” I say. “How are you doing that?”

“I just am.” It’s what I do, I hear in my head.

I shake my head, trying to make sense of what’s happening. “I’m sorry, I just…”

“What?” He asks.

“It’s weird but…I don’t know.”

“You can hear my voice in your head.” I know you can. It’s okay.

I stand up from my stool and take a step back.

“How are you doing that?” I ask.

It’s just what I do. It’s okay.

“Stop saying it’s okay.”

“Why did you leave that party tonight, Haley?”

“What?”

“Why did you leave? And be honest with me. Be open.”

Suddenly I want to let everything out. Suddenly I want to unleash everything I’ve had bottled up inside since before I can remember. I want to let him know who I really am and what I really think.

Say it out loud.

“I don’t like myself,” I say.

Why did I say that? I’ve never said that before but suddenly now that it’s uttered I know it’s true.

“I don’t like myself,” I mutter again.

But you should. You’re a beautiful person.

There’s no way he’s speaking in my head.

There is a way. “Because I am.”

I realize I’m now in the living room. How did I get here? I’ve backed away from him until I reached the far wall of the living room. We’re on opposite ends of the space.

“Who are you?” I ask.

“My name is Ethan. I have a gift. I can make people do and believe things, whether they want to or not. However, I only choose to make people do things I know they really want to do deep down.”

“How can you know that?”

Because I can see into your mind, Haley.

I feel like I should be freaking out but for some reason I’m calm. Or maybe not “for some reason”. He’s making me calm.

“You’re a beautiful and talented woman. You just need to believe it. Let go and let me help you.”

“Let go?” I ask. “Let go of what?”

Everything.

I look at him and we stare at each other from across the room.

That’s better. Now come here.

My legs start to move on their own accord. When I reach him, he embraces me and looks down into my eyes.

When you first saw me, you wanted something. What was it?

“You,” I breath into him.

Give yourself to me and I will make you better. I will make you feel better.

“How do I give myself to you?” I ask, a blissful sense of calm washing over me. Every muscle in my body is relaxed and I can almost feel a hum from deep within me.

Look me in the eye and say “Mind and body, I am yours.”

I think about this for a moment. I want to say it but is it really me who wants it or is it him? The moment I saw him earlier I wanted him. But what do I really want? I want to not be in control. I want someone to show me what to do, to guide me, to make me better.

I can do that for you.

I look up into his eyes. They are warm and inviting. For a moment I forget about the entire world. It’s just him and I, the only two people in existence. I want to submit to him. I want to give myself to him so he can mold me into a better person.

“Mind…and body…” I start to say, breathing heavily in-between each word. “I am yours.”

He leans down and kisses me and I feel an electrical current run though me. I feel like my life force is changing, whatever that means. His tongue massages mine and I go limp in his arms as we kiss. He holds me up, his arms stronger than I realized. When he loosens his grip, I fall to the floor in front of him. I look up at him, the man (if you can call him that) I’ve now given myself over to.

I suddenly want him, desperately. I want to feel his body on mine. I’ve never felt this way before but I want to devour all of him. Like a deep inert animal desire that’s just been lit anew. I desperately want him.

“You may have me,” he says down to me.

I reach for his belt and undo the buckle. I undo the button and then the zipper and pull both his pants and his underwear down at the same time. A beautiful hard cock stands before me and I suddenly feel as though this is what I’ve been missing my whole life. I grab him with both of my small hands and start to stroke. With his hands on his hips, I hear a low guttural moan escape him.

“Yes Haley. That’s a good girl.”

I lean closer and stick my tongue out and massage his head with the tip of my tongue. His skin tastes like something I’ve never known before. With just a sample of it I know I must have the full taste. I take him in my mouth and start to stroke his cock slowly, my tongue massaging the bottom of his shaft with each bob of my head.

“Oh Haley, I’m going to make you anew.”

I’ve never taken a cock so deep before but something inside me keeps pushing me forward. I want to please him. I want to feel him inside me. He strokes my hair as I devour his cock. Finally he pulls me off, a stream of saliva keeping us connected. I’m out of breath, panting from the feast I just had. I didn’t realize I hadn’t come up for air in a while.

It’s your turn, I hear in my head, and suddenly I feel a strong sensation between my legs. My body clamps up, my legs tighten, and I feel the opening between my thighs go damp with satisfaction. I cry out in ecstasy and look up while kneeled in front of him. He’s staring intently at me. Is he pleasing me just by looking at me?

It’s one of my many talents Haley. “Undress and lay on the couch,” he commands.

All I can do is obey, but at this point that’s all I want to do. I lift my blouse over my head and reveal the skin colored bra underneath. I know it’s not sexy at all and I hope I don’t turn him off. I didn’t think anyone would see it tonight.

It’s gorgeous, just like you.

I reach behind me and undo the clamps, letting it fall to the floor in front of me.

“Your body is exquisite, my dear,” he says. My body quivers from the compliment.

I undo my pants and slide them down, showing the black panties on underneath. As soon as my pants are on the ground, I can smell the sweet aroma of my pleasure fill the air. I’m much wetter than I anticipated. Ethan takes a deep breath in, smelling the air.

“Oh Haley, do you smell how beautiful you are?” His eyes are on me. He’s looking for a response.

“I guess,” I say feebly.

“Let me show you what I smell.”

Suddenly the air tastes different and my body starts to tingle from the scent.

“Oh,” I breath out as the sensation comes over me.

“Yes,” he says. “You see. What you feel right there, that’s what you do to me.”

“It’s…amazing,” I say.

You are amazing, Haley.

I slide my panties off and stand before him, presenting my naked body. He takes me in with his eyes and I can almost see the fire inside him. Then I feel the sensation again, as if a thousand tongues are on my clit all at once.

“Oh!” I cry out, unable to control my body as I fall back onto the couch. “It feels so good,” I manage to get out.

“Do you want more?”

I grab my soaking wet slit with both hands, holding on tight, and nod my head furiously. “Yes! Yes, please!”

He kneels in front of me, the large head of his cock like a predator looking for its prey. I spread my legs and move my hands so it can find what it’s looking for. Then, his voice is in my head again.

You know you are beautiful.

And suddenly I can see it. I can see myself looking in the mirror before I left for the party, but what I see in the mirror is beautiful. She looks strong and confident and gorgeous. She is me, and for the first time in my life I feel like a worthy person. A person meant for something great.

Then I feel his cock slide inside of me. It fills every inch of me, not just my hole but my entire body. I can feel him fill every inch of me as if I was an empty container waiting for his liquid. He starts to pump his hips and I can hear our bodies bouncing off of each other. The feeling is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I need to keep this feeling inside of me, keep it in every cell of my body. I clamp my arms and legs around him tight. I put my head on his shoulder, my mouth next to his ear. I can no longer make out words and all that escapes me are squeals and moans. Our bodies are clamped so tightly together it’s hard to see where I stop and he begins. He stands up, my body wrapped around him, and he pumps me with the fire of something I know is not human. He is not a man but a god of some kind. Every nerve in my body is on fire. I scream out in bliss as I bounce back and forth on his body. His arms are stronger than they look, like steel beams keeping me elevated in space. I can hear my juices squish with each thrust, as if each time his body hits me he’s jumping into a pool.

And then I feel it. His seed erupts into me and though I thought I had felt nothing like I’d ever felt before, it was nothing compared to the feeling of this god’s cream filling the dripping hole between my legs. It seems to be spewing into me for hours but really it’s just moments. I gasp for breath as I look into his eyes. His eyes are the windows into happiness and it’s as if that happiness is being emptied into me. When he’s finally done, we hold each other for a moment, my body still wrapped around him. My muscles are so tight I can’t seem to move. Finally, I hear his voice in my head again.

You may let go now.

And without thinking, my arms and legs become loose. I feel myself slide off of him until my feet touch the floor. He takes a step back from me but then my legs cannot hold the weight of my body. They feel like strings of spaghetti so I collapse to the floor in a heap of sticky juices and pleasure. I’m still panting, trying to catch my breath. I finally find the strength to lift my head and look at him, now seated on the couch opposite me.

“What are you?” I ask.

“I’m not a god,” he says with a snicker. I feel a moment of embarrassment now remembering he could read my thoughts during that. “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s a logical thought, given the circumstances.”

“But you’re not…” I can’t seem to find the right word without sounding stupid. “A person. You can’t be.”

“There’s no name for what I am,” he tries to explain.

I know in vampire legends they can make you do and think things. I quickly think of our two wine glasses sitting in the kitchen.

He chuckles. “It’s wine, Haley. I’m not that. Though part of its legend comes from me, so you’re not entirely wrong in thinking that. But drinking blood? Well that’s rather unsettling, isn’t it?”

A huff of a laugh escapes me. It does seem stupid now that I think of it. I look back at him. “So what are you?”

“I am me. I am someone who has been around for a very long time. I have certain gifts and I use them as I see fit.”

“You can make people do anything you want?”

He nods. I wonder if all this was something I really wanted. It feels like it is, but how can I be sure?

“When you have as much power as I do,” he explains. “You must make rules for yourself. There are some things I won’t do.”

Like force someone to have sex with you, I think, this thought in my own voice.

He nods.

“Then what do you force people to do?” I ask.

He leans forward and looks sternly at me.

“Make people find the value in themselves.”

*******************************************************************************

My eyes open to sunlight. I lean up and see I’m in my own bed. I don’t remember coming home last night. How did I get here? Not to mention I have a hangover like I’ve never felt before. Well, maybe not a hangover. My head doesn’t hurt but more my entire body. I feel like I’ve run two marathons back to back. What happened last night?

Did that really happen?

I’m wearing the clothes I wore to the party. I only had one beer, there’s no way I was drunk. I stumble out of my room and go to the kitchen to find some coffee. Someone’s always up before me, so usually there’s a fresh pot ready. And of course, today is no different. The pot is on and waiting for me. I also find Erin sitting at the island in the middle of the kitchen nursing a cup of coffee herself.

“Rough night last night?” She asks.

“Kinda.”

She takes a sip. “Anything interesting happen?”

How do I say I found a strange person who can read your mind and make you do anything he wants but has “rules”?

“Not really. I left early,” is what I go with.

“You did?” I can hear the skepticism in her voice.

I glance over at her as I put the milk back in the fridge after mixing it with my coffee. “Yeah, why?”

“Did you go somewhere after?” She’s smiling now, a knowing smile.

There’s no way she knows what happened to me last night.

“That’s alright,” she says. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I heard you come in last night. It was late. I just got in myself.”

My body relaxes. She doesn’t know anything.

“Was he cute?” She asks me as she snickers into her coffee.

I take a sip of mine. “Yeah. He was.”

“Well I hope you got his number,” she teases. “Because your car’s not here. He dropped you off and left. Too bad, I didn’t get a look at him.”

Shit! That party was a good ten minute drive from here. There’s no way I can walk there.

Don’t worry. I’m picking you up.

His voice in my head again. My eyes go wide and I instinctively look around. Erin looks at me like I’m crazy.

“You okay?” She asks.

“Yeah, yeah,” I try to play it off.

The doorbell rings. Erin sets her cup on the island and walks to the living room to answer it. I’m too startled by hearing Ethan’s voice in my head to think about answering it myself. Then I hear his voice again, but not in my head this time.

“Is Haley here?” The voice is coming from the front door.

Is here here?!

Yes, of course I am. I just told you I’m picking you up.

“Haley?!” Erin calls from the living room.

I turn the corner and see Ethan standing in the front door with Erin. Erin looks back at me, her back to Ethan and she gives me a knowing smile that says “wow”.

“Introduce me to your friend, Haley,” she says. She’s always been so forward. The girl’s never been nervous or awkward in her life.

Ethan holds his hand out to shake hers. “I’m Ethan. And you must be Erin.”

She shakes his hand. “I see Haley mentioned me.”

He flashes a smile at me before returning to her. “Of course she did. You have a great sister.”

Suddenly I can feel an energy coming off of him. That warm feeling from last night is returning.

“Yes, I do have a great sister,” Erin says.

Something sounds different in her voice. A deep introspection and a surprised uneasiness.

“Why don’t you tell her how much she means to you?”

Erin turns to me. She looks relaxed, almost like she’s asleep.

“Haley,” she begins with an airy voice. “I know I don’t say it that often but I love you so much. You really are the best older sister a girl can have.”

“Thanks,” I say awkwardly, not knowing how to respond.

She wraps her arms around me in a big hug and rests her head on my shoulder.

“I love you, Haley.”

I pat her head, not used to this kind of affection from her. “I love you too, Erin.” I glance at Ethan. He has a giant smile on his face. I mouth the word “stop” to him.

What’s wrong with a little sisterly love?

As I pull away from Erin I wonder if she's under his spell. She has to be if she said something like that. Will she remember this encounter?

Let her go, I think.

Ethan gives me a slight nod of his head. Erin blinks a few times as her eyes refocus.

"Well, it's nice to meet you..." She trails off, trying to remember something. "What did you say your name was again?"

"Ethan," he answers.

"Nice to meet you Ethan." She gives me an uneasy smile and walks away.

Come with me, he says in my head.

"Let me get dressed and I'll be right out."

Again he nods and starts walking back to his car. This is crazy. What have I gotten myself into? What does he want? I immediately stop thinking, remembering he can hear all of it.

Are you listening right now, I think.

No response. Maybe he isn't. I grab a pair of clean panties from my dresser and slide them on, followed by a pair of tight fitting jeans. Having stood in front of the open door, I decide to go with a sweater after finding a clean black bra to wear. A nice auburn sweater that covers my neck. When I find my sneakers I head out. He's sitting in his car waiting for me. I hop in the passenger seat.

"Ready?" He asks.

I nod and he starts backing out of the driveway. He starts heading the same way I did yesterday to get to the party.

"So you're real," I say, trying to break the silence.

He smirks and nods his head.

"I thought maybe it was just a dream." I say. "How did I get home?"

"I brought you," he answers.

"And you put me in my bed?"

He nods. "Where else was I supposed to put you?"

He has a point.

"Well, thanks," I say.

"Don't mention it."

I feel like I have a million questions I want to ask and yet I can't think of a single one.

"So you can control people's minds?" I know he went over it last night but it still doesn't feel real under the light of a new day's sun.

"Yes, I do."

"Are you controlling me right now?"

"Does it feel like I am?"

I don't know what to say. What does it feel like when someone has invaded the only safe part of your body.

"One way to be sure," he begins explaining. "People I control don't usually wonder if they're being controlled. Usually." He emphasizes the last word.

"But it's possible?" I ask.

He takes a moment before he answers as he waits for his turn at a four way stop, now rolling us through the intersection.

"In all my time, I've found anything is possible. It's when you think you have a grasp on things that the world starts to turn upside down."

We sit in silence for a moment.

"I'm not forcing you to do anything," he says.

I look at him but he avoids my gaze.

"Okay, well I did make you cum by controlling your mind, but in fairness I thought you would enjoy it. You did enjoy it, didn't you?"

"If you can read my mind, shouldn't you know?" I ask, my eyebrows raised.

He smiles and nods. "Asking people questions gives them the illusion they're in control. I was being polite."

A chill runs down my back when I hear him say that. I have to remember the power this man has.

"Well, I did enjoy it," I say.

"Good," he says. "Would you like to feel it again?"

Now he's the one to raise his eyebrows at me. Suddenly I feel a tingling between my legs and my panties become warm with the juice of my pleasure. He can make me wet so much quicker than it normally takes. I grab the armrest of the door with one hand and his arm with my other, holding on tight.

"Oh my God!" I pant.

"I can keep going if you like," he teases.

I'm already breathing heavy. It's as if he's between my legs flicking my clit with his tongue. How is this possible? I don't want him to stop but I feel like I should.

"There's nothing you should and shouldn't do in this life Haley. Lesson number one, stop thinking like that."

"Oh...kaaayyy," I pant, my legs clamped tight and my body squirming in my seat. God this feels so good. I push my chest out as I feel the sensation course through my body. I look at him with wild eyes.

"Remember," he says. "The only person you owe anything to is yourself."

I can't hold back anymore and I grab my breasts and start rubbing my nipples through my clothes. I glance out the window of the car and see he turns in the opposite direction of where I went last night.

I try to get words out but it's difficult. "Where...are...we...going?" I manage to ask.

"We're making a little stop before we pick up your car. I promise, it won't take long. Would you like to cum now?"

I look into his eyes again. I'm sure he can sense my hunger. At this point the only relief for me will be release.

"Yes!" I say it louder than I thought I would. "Please!"

He flicks his tongue out at me and with that, a current of energy pulse on my clit. I reach for the handle at the bottom of the seat and lean down into a laying position. With my arms and legs, I thrust my body up as if I'm trying to shake a wild animal off me. I yell out as I feel the floodgate between my legs open up. I let my body rest on the seat again and grab my vagina as I clamp my legs together tightly. The feeling is subsiding. I'm out of breath and a layer of sweat has formed over me. My body is almost buzzing from the experience.

"I just..." It's all I can manage to say at this point.

"You just what?" He asks.

"I just put on clean panties," I complain.

He lets out a satisfied laugh at that. “My apologies. I wasn’t aware of your underwear situation.”

I return the seat to a sitting position and rub the sweat off my face and neck.

“So where are we going?” I ask.

“A place you should’ve been already.”

“Oooo, cryptic. You know cryptic answers doesn’t make you sound insightful, right?” My annoyance is thick. I don’t know why I’m upset but I just am. It’s like he thinks I’m a child.

“Not a child,” he interjects. “Just lost.” He glances over at me with a warm smile. I can feel a sense of calm washing over me.

“Are you making me calm?” I accuse him.

Yes, I am, he says in my head.

“Don’t do that,” I say. “I want to feel what I feel.”

“You’re upset. Being upset is never helpful.”

“It is to me!”

“Why are you upset?”

“I…I don’t know. I just am!”

I feel a buzzing in my body, like a vibration that soothes my nerves. I let out a satisfied moan. In a voice of calm serenity I mutter, “I hate you.”

My eyes become heavy and I start to drift off. The hum of the car mixed with whatever is happening to my body makes me feel like mush. I don’t really understand what I was so upset about. I feel my eyes shut for only a moment and then I hear him.

“We’re here!” He announces.

Just like that the buzzing inside me is gone and I’m jolted back to reality. I sit forward and look around, trying to figure out where I am. We’re parked on some type of college campus.

“Sorry about that,” he says. “I wanted the destination to be surprise, so I put you to sleep.”

“Where are we?” I ask.

“Rutgers,” he says as if it’s obvious.

I blink at him. Why the hell did we drive to Rutgers?

“We have an appointment with an admissions officer.

“Admissions? I’m not applying to Rutgers.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” But then I realize I don’t have a reason why.

“You’re very negative. Do you know that?”

His voice is so level, so clam, like he’s stating a fact.

“Do you want to go to college?” He asks me.

“Well…” I do. If just to appease my parents. But also because I feel left out. I feel like not going was just another Haley failure. Everyone else I know moved away and are doing big things and I was left behind like a loser. So yeah, “I do,” I say.

“Good,” he says with finality. “Then lets go.” He unbuckles his seatbelt and opens his door.

“Was that you just being polite again?”

Without looking back at me I hear in my head, Now you’re catching on.

We both start walking down a path toward a large building made pretty much of windows. It looks new, fresh, exciting. We enter the building and head to an elevator bank. When in, he pushes a button. It looks like he knows exactly where we’re going.

Well of course I do. I wouldn’t bring us here if I didn’t know where we’re going.

“You can just speak to me, you know? You don’t have to speak in my head.”

He looks at me with a smirk. “It’s impolite to hold conversations in the elevator.”

The doors open to our floor and he’s out before I have a chance to say anything. I follow behind him, looking around at the students that pass feeling self-conscious. I know I shouldn’t. They probably just think I’m another student, but I know I’m not. We get to a room and he walks right past the receptionist.

“Can I help-“ She calls out to us as we pass. I look back and see she sits back down, a smile on her face, her legs clamped tight and a look of pleasure on her face as she closes her eyes. I hope she goes to the bathroom and doesn’t stay there. I know the feeling and it’s not inconspicuous.

We enter one of the offices. Ethan just barges in and a middle-aged man sitting at his desk looks up startled. The look of surprise is evident through his large glasses. He stands up and flattens his brown tie.

“Can I help you?” He demands.

I look to Ethan, letting the man know I have just as much information as he does.

“Mr. George Patterson, correct?” Ethan aks, extending his hand.

He shakes his hand. “Yes. How can I help you.”

“I want to discuss the prospects of my friend here attending your university. You are an admissions officer, am I right?”

George looks flustered as he sits back down, trying to make sense of the situation.

“Yes, I am. However, I don’t usually meet with prospective students.”

“Yes I know,” Ethan says as he sits down in the chair in front of the desk.

Take a seat next to me, he says in my head. I scamper over to the seat next to him and sit down.

“I’d like to introduce you to Haley Anderson.” He turns to me. “Haley, this is Mr. Patterson, admissions officer here at this prestigious institution.”

I awkwardly extend my hand to the man. We shake and he returns his attention to Ethan.

“You see Haley decided not to attend college for the fall semester for certain personal reasons,” Ethan explains. “But now she is ready to begin. In the spring.”

“The spring?” George asks surprised. He shakes his head. “Well unfortunately it’s too late to apply for the spring semester. We are accepting applications for next year though. She’s welcome to apply for that.”

Ethan settles into his chair, a smile on his face I’ve seen one too many times already.

“Mr. Patterson, we both know there is a special circumstance acceptance that allows students to begin in the spring, is that right?”

The room becomes warm. George’s eyes become slack, the calmness starting to take hold.

“Yes, there is a special circumstance acceptance,” he confirms, his voice no longer sounding like his own.

“And you make the decision as to whether someone can apply for that, am I right?” Ethan asks.

“Yes. I do.” George answers mechanically.

“Perfect!” Ethan feigns excitement. He turns to me. “I knew we were in the right office.”

What are you doing, I think.

What I do best, he responds in my head.

He turns his attention back to George. “So, Mr. Patterson, what does someone need to do in order to apply for that?”

“They need to fill out an application and submit it with their high school transcripts, their SAT scores, the application fee, and a letter of hardship.”

“Yes, the letter of hardship. Explain to Haley what that is.”

George turns his vacant expression to me. “The letter of hardship is your opportunity to explain to us why you are not applying under normal circumstances. You are to explain your situation and why you believe you will make a good addition to the student body.”

“Now George,” Ethan cuts in. “Back over here.” He gestures with his fingers for George’s attention. “Haley had decent grades in high school, didn’t you?” He turns to me.

“Uh…yeah. I did.”

“See,” Ethan says back to George. “You shouldn’t have a problem with her transcripts and application. So that just leaves the issue of the letter of hardship.”

“Yes, the letter of hardship,” George eerily repeats.

“If Haley writes a letter of significant quality, you will accept her to the school starting in the spring semester.”

Ethan doesn’t say it as a question but rather as a command.

“Yes,” George confirms. “I will accept her to the school if she writes a quality letter of hardship.”

Ethan turns to me now. “There you go. The challenge has been laid down.”

“The challenge has been-“ George starts to repeat.

Ethan cuts him off. “No no, that was between her and I.”

George stops speaking.

“It looks like you have some work to do,” Ethan says to me.

“Why are you doing this?” I ask.

“Because everyone deserves a second chance. All you need is a little confidence Haley. Believe in yourself. Don’t hold yourself back.”

I think about this for a moment and glance at the man sitting behind the desk. His glassy eyes, the look of a mind no longer running behind it.

“You’re going to make him accept me into college?” I ask.

“No, no I’m not.” Ethan corrects me. “I’m going to make the man consider your application. Believe me, this guy hates the special circumstances acceptance. He normally doesn’t let anyone apply for it. I’m going to make him do that. However, your on your own when it comes to the letter. Write a good one and he’ll accept you, but if you don’t, he won’t and I’m not going to change that. Understand?”

I nod, a panic starting to build deep inside me. Ethan looks me in the eye.

“You will not feel panic about this,” he says. “You will be calm and clear headed.”

Suddenly I feel my nerves begin to calm. I don't know what I was worried about.

“Yes,” I answer. “I will be calm and clear headed.”

“Good! Now lets go.” Ethan stands up and holds his hand out for George to shake.

George seems to wake back up, startled by our presence in his office. He shakes Ethan’s hand.

“I’ll let you know when Haley’s application is ready,” Ethan says.

“Uh…thanks,” George answers. “I’ll be waiting.” His voice sounding like his again.

We make our way out of his office and past the secretary. She breathing heavily, trying to avoid our eyes with a look of confusion but satisfaction. She didn’t go to the bathroom. I hope she wasn’t too loud.

So I have a chance to go to college. All I have to do is write a letter as to why I deserve to go. The problem is I don’t deserve to go. I don’t deserve anything.

Ethan abruptly stops and backs me up to the wall. He stands over me, looking down.

“You deserve everything. Do you understand me?”

“I deserve everything,” I say.

“I am not going to force you to think that. You’re going to have to learn it for yourself.” He says sternly.

“I understand,” I respond, a little fearful from his forcefulness.

He turns and continues walking.

It’s time for you to go home. You have some work to do, he says in my head without looking back.

I guess I do. I’m not sure what I’m going to say, but I guess the result can’t be any worse than where I am already.

*******************************************************************************

We went back to his place so I could get my car, and then he sent me on my way. It was very cold, as if he was dismissing someone he didn't know. I don't know why it's affecting me so much but I feel like something has been lost in the pit of my stomach. I spent most of the day being upset with him for reasons I don't know, but now I feel a longing for him. I just want to please him. I've only known him for a day, I shouldn't be this connected to him.

Maybe he's making me think like this, I think to myself.

I wait for a moment to see if he's going to respond but he doesn't. Is he even listening at all?

I get to my house and walk in the door. My dad is on the couch watching TV. He doesn't look up when I enter. As soon as I close the door, Erin comes down the stairs, an eagerness to her step. She looks around me before slumping her shoulders and turning her eyes to me.

"Is he here?" She asks.

Oh God, I think. Does she have a crush on my...on Ethan.

"No, just me," I say lamely back.

"Who was that guy? How do you know him?"

"What guy?" My dad asks from the couch, finally noticing me.

"A friend picked me up earlier," I say.

"A friend?" Erin teases. I decide not to indulge her.

"You know I don't like boys being here when I'm not home," my dad says.

"He wasn't a boy," Erin chimes in. "He was a man." Her smirk infuriates me.

"What's this?" My dad asks, now turning his body to face us.

I roll my eyes and stomp off before this turns into something bigger. I hear my dad calling after me but I ignore him, retreating to my room and closing the door. It's only a few moments before the door opens again and Erin falls onto my bed.

"Tell me all about him," she says.

"I met him at the party last night."

"He was at the party? Isn't he a little old to know your friends?"

"Well, not at the party. I left and ran into him walking back to my car."

She smiles and rests her face on the palms of her hands, kicking her feet in the air behind her. Sometimes I forget how young she really is. Fifteen is still a child.

"There's something about him, isn't there?" She asks like she's in a teen movie.

You have no idea, I think.

"You should bring him over more," she says.

"Why? What do you think he's going to do with you?" I accuse. The girl who gets everything wants to take him now?

"I don't know, we could talk.”

"Dad would kill you for 'talking'."

I sit down at my desk and open my laptop. If I'm going to get this essay written, I should start now. I don't know why but I have a feeling I'm not going to see Ethan again until it's finished.

"I'd love to 'talk' with him,” she says.

"He'd go to jail for 'talking' with you, Erin. It's not gunna happen."

"Seriously though, we should all hang out together. It'll be fun."

I swivel around in my chair to face her.

"I have some work to do, so could you like...not be here?”

Now she looks offended. "What work do you have to do?"

"I have to write an essay."

She's about to say something mean, I can tell. I know her moods and the faces that proceed them. But then something seems to change in her. Her face softens.

"Okay Haley, I'll give you some space." She gets off the bed and walks to the door. "I love you."

It takes me off guard. I've never heard her say that before. Erin and I don't have the most loving relationship. It takes me a moment before I can respond.

"Yeah. I love you too," I say.

She smiles and closes the door behind her.

Weird, I think to myself.

I sit in front of a blank Word document watching the cursor blink for so long that it starts to look like a middle finger flashing back and forth. I hate writing, I’ve never been very good at it. You’re always supposed to open up and share something private about yourself. Why would anyone want to do that? This whole world is full of judgmental people all looking for a sign of weakness. The best way to keep blood out of the water is to never cut yourself.

But then I think about the last twenty-four hours. I let Erin see a guy I have…something with. I’ve never shown my family anyone I’m interested in, worried they might tease me or disapprove. But she didn’t. She seemed happy for me. It wasn’t something she had over me now.  Is it possible that most of the interaction I have I’m just looking at from the wrong perspective?

My fingers touch the keyboard and I type the first words. Dear Mr. George Patterson.

I stare at the screen. Where do I start?

I write to you in application to your university under the special circumstance / hardship exception. My circumstance is one that I’ve never articulated out loud before, mainly due to the fact that I’m embarrassed and frightened to admit it. My circumstance is this: I’m lost.

I stare at the last words for a moment.

I’m lost.

I am a person without direction. I used to think that was because I just wasn’t worth anything. That I was a useless person. I write to you now to declare to you, myself, and the world that I am a worthwhile person. I am a smart and capable person who can do great things. All I need is a place to find my way. What I need is your university to help me find the path to prove my worth, and I promise you that I will.

The words start flying out of my mind and on to the screen. I don’t know if what I’m writing is good or even coherent but it feels like something has opened up inside me that I just need to get out. I type and type and the more I do, the more powerful I feel. I’m unstoppable! I am Haley Anderson and you will know who I am!

*******************************************************************************

It’s been a couple of days since my manic essay session. When I was done I read it through once for grammatical errors and then emailed it off. Ever since then I’ve felt great! I don’t know why, but I swear it had something to do with writing that essay. I’ve wondered if Ethan is doing something to me, making me feel good or something like that. I’ve driven to his house each day since I last saw him but he’s never home. I suppose it can’t be him if he’s not around. But it’s also troubling that I haven’t seen him. That twenty-four hour stretch with him was one of the weirdest experiences of my life and yet, I can’t stop thinking about him. Ever since I wrote that essay, if I think something negative about myself I see him in my head telling me I’m wrong. I can tell it’s me thinking of him. It’s hard to explain but when Ethan is speaking in your head, you know it’s him. My thoughts just feel different.

As I sit on my stool at the kitchen island drinking my coffee, I wonder if I’m going to see him today. I’ll keep going to his house forever until he shows his face again. Erin walks in mid-yawn.

“Morning, Hale,” she says.

“Morning, Er.”

The two of us have been best friends since the other day. She hasn’t asked about Ethan, we’ve just been talking about anything and everything. It’s like we’re sisters!

“What are you up to today?” I ask.

“Hanging out. You?”

“Going to Ethan’s.”

She smiles. “Tell him I said hi.”

“Should I say that or ‘Erin wants to have your babies,’” I tease.

“Shut up!” She yells and laughs. “You’re the one that wants to have his babies.”

I nod my head back and forth as if to say, you got me there.

The two of us laugh some more until I finish my coffee. I say goodbye and head out to the car. The drive over is all too familiar now. I think I’ve driven this everyday since that party. For some reason I’m tense. Well maybe not “for some reason”. I know why. I’m hoping he’ll be there. Why has he abandoned me?

God, listen to me, I think. I sound so dramatic.

That’s never been a trait of mine in the past. Whatever, I am what I am. That’s the new Haley speaking.

I turn down his street and pass the house of the party from the other day. I should probably call Rachel and Tia at some point. God knows what they think of me. To be honest, I really don’t care. I don’t think they were ever really good friends to me. When I see his house I feel my heart rate pick up. I park on the street in front of his house and get out. It looks the same as I’ve seen it every day. I don’t know what will make today different from the last. As I walk up to the front door, I hear the latch turn. My heart is now about to leap out of my chest. As I reach the landing, the door opens and there he is, standing in his doorway smiling at me.

“Hello Haley,” he says, his voice as calm as always.

“Hello, Ethan. Long time no see.”

He smiles and nods. “Yes, I’m sorry. Would you like to come in? We need to talk.”

Oh no. We need to talk. The line every girl dreads.

Please don’t be worried, I hear him say in my head.

As always, I feel a warmth envelop me that causes my heart rate to slow down. My body starts to become calm.

Thank you, I think.

Of course he knows I’m referring to the calming sensation. Of course, he responds in my head.

He sits me down at his kitchen table and takes a seat opposite me. Why is he sitting so far away?

“How have you been the last couple of days?” He asks.

I nod. “Good. Really good. I feel…” I don’t know the right word to use.

“Strong?” He offers.

“Yes. Strong. I feel strong.”

“I’m proud of you. You’ve done a lot in a short period of time.”

Hearing him say he’s proud of me makes my heart leap. I’ve made him happy, which in turn makes me happy.

“Unfortunately this has to be the end of our encounter.”

Hearing that freezes me in my spot. What does he mean?

“I mean we cannot see each other anymore.”

“Why?” I ask.

“You have to understand Haley, I’m not like you.”

“That’s what I like about you,” I plead.

“I don’t feel things the same way you do. You don’t understand it now because you’re only eighteen but at some point in your life you’re going to mature. And then you’ll reach another point in your life where you’re going to mature even more. Your life is a constant evolution and each new you will make you look back at the old one and wonder why you ever thought the way you did. As you develop, your insights into the world will change, what’s important to you will change, how you see other people and value relationships will change. And then there will come a point where you no longer are maturing because you’ll reach that final point in your life and pass along to whatever is after this.”

I nod, understanding what he’s saying but not where he’s going.

“You see,” he continues. “I will never reach that final point. I will keep going, I will keep maturing and evolving. I’ve matured farther than any normal person simply because I’ve had the time to get there. And I will keep going. Life is not difficult for me because I’ve seen it all and I know it all. There’s only one thing that is difficult for me, one thing that no amount of maturity will help me deal with. Can you guess what it is?

I shake my head.

“Watching the people you love pass away. It’s my curse. All the wisdom in the world comes at the price of watching anyone you get close to eventually pass beyond your reach. I cannot get close to anyone, I cannot get close to you. I’ve made this mistake in the past and I’ve found the best way to avoid it, the thing that’s fair for both of us, is to stop it before it starts.”

I want to stop him from speaking but for some reason I can’t. It’s as if there’s an invisible muzzle on my mouth. I wonder if he’s preventing me from speaking.

“I am. I’m sorry about that but I need you to hear what I have to say before you interject. I wanted to help you and I believe I have. But this is as far as we can go. I’m sorry, but you will never see me after today.”

May I speak now, I think.

He nods and suddenly my voice comes back to me.

“Please don’t do this,” I say.

“I have to.”

“But we’ve only had one day together.”

“Anything more wouldn’t be fair to both of us. Think about it Haley, you would be committing to me for the rest of your life if we continued beyond today.”

“No I’m not. We can take it slow if that’s what you want. It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me or anything!”

“And what if there came a point where you didn’t want to be with me anymore? You wanted to move on but I didn’t. Do you think you could just leave? Do you trust that I would let you leave?”

I’m about to answer him but stop. It’s true. I could never leave him unless he wanted me to.

“A relationship only works if both people are equal,” he explains. “I’m sorry but we are not equal Haley. Neither one of us is better than the other, but we are not equal. I don’t trust that I would do the right thing if you wanted to leave me.” He looks down at the table and I immediately recognize that face. It’s the look of regret. “I’ve proven to be untrustworthy in this regard in the past.”

I want to ask what he means but I decide not to. If he wanted to tell me, he would. I can tell this is hard for him to say. The only thing I have left is acceptance.

“I’m going to miss you,” I say.

He looks back up, a smile finally breaking his gloom. “Haley Anderson, I’m going to miss you as well.”

We stare at each other for a long moment, a beautiful silence between us. Neither of us speaking aloud or in thought. Finally, I’m the one who breaks it.

“Can I ask one thing of you before I go?”

“Of course,” he says.

“Can I have you one more time? I want to know the touch of the man who helped me find my way one last time before I never see him again.”

If love were a look, it would be Ethan. He looks at me like no one has ever looked at me before. Suddenly, I feel that familiar tingling in my body ignite. I grab the edge of the table with both hands bracing myself. I let out a moan to release the tension in my body as I feel the inside of my thighs become wet.

“No,” I say between pants. “I want…to feel your touch…for real. No tricks.”

As if I just hit a brick wall, the feeling is gone. I release my grip on the table and look at him. His desire is strong. He stands up and walks to my side of the table. He lifts me out of the chair and sets me on the table. His strength always surprises me. He seems to lift me like I weigh nothing at all. His hand caresses my cheek and I close my eyes and let his touch sooth me. Before I open my eyes, I feel his lips on mine and he embrace in passion and lust. The taste of his tongue sends a bolt of energy through me, and this time I know it’s real. No more tricks. He leans back and looks down at me. I look up at him with eager eyes.

Take me, I think. I’m yours.

He gently pushes me down until I’m laying flat on the table. His hands go for my pants, undoing my button. He slides my pants off, revealing my wet pair of black panties. Then I feel his tongue on the inside of my thigh all the way down by my knee and he runs his tongue all the way up to my panties and takes a deep breath in.

I love the smell of your passion, he says in my head.

I grab the back of his head and moan out. “Yes.”

My eyes are closed tight. My desire to feel his tongue on my clit is so strong I feel like I’m going to yell out for it. I feel him slide my panties off and spread my legs with his hands. Finally I open my eyes and look down my body at him. He kisses my leg all the way down to my opening. The anticipation makes me gush pleasure out of my pussy. Finally, his tongue runs from the bottom of my slit to the top.

“Aaahhhhhhh,” I cry out. Again, my hands clamp around the edge of the table, holding me in place. He pulls me down and I no longer feel the table under my butt. He sits in the chair I was sitting in and buries his face between my legs. His tongue is powerful, flicking my pleasure spot with with the strength of all the lifetimes he’s lived. It’s in this moment I realize this man is the best I’ll ever have. I’ll never feel pleasure like this ever again. Normally that would make me sad but all it does is strengthen my desire. I manage to let go of the side of the table and grab the back of his head. Then I feel something I wasn’t expecting. A tongue running along my neck. I look down at him and see his face is still buried in my pussy, but yet I feel a tongue. No, multiple tongues. They’re all running along my neck, each hitting the spot that makes me squirm.

Oh my God, I think. He’s licking my entire body all at once.

“Ethan! Oh Ethan!” I cry out.

His hands grab both my breasts and he starts to play with my nipples as his imaginary tongues and the real one continue to work my body. I’ve never felt so connected to another person before. It’s as if I no longer have control of my body. He controls my pleasure and all I want is to submit to his feeling.

Suddenly I no longer feel the tongues on my neck but his hands instead. They wrap around my body and lift me upside down, his balls pushed into my face. We land on the floor, him underneath me. I feel his tongue run up and down my slit once again and I arch my back trying to release the renewed pleasure. When I open my eyes again, I look down and see his wonderful cock beneath me. I lean down and take him in with one gulp. As his tongue works furiously at my clit, my mouth bobs with equal fury up and down his shaft. We both pleasure each other on the floor of his kitchen. I want to take him all the way down my throat but I’ve never done it before and I’m afraid of gagging.

I’ll help you, he says in my head.

I push my lips down and down his shaft until I feel his balls on my nose, never gagging once. It feels like I’ve never felt before. His cock feels like it’s filled my entire body. One of his hands goes to the back of my head and he holds me there. His other hand wraps around my ass and I feel his index finger enter inside me. I jolt from this new feeling. No one has ever fingered my ass before. The combination of his cock down my throat, his finger inside my ass, and his tongue passionately licking my clit is more than I can take. My body explodes, juices flying out onto his face. His finger goes deeper inside me and I try to cry out in pleasure but no sound comes from my throat as it’s filled with his cock. My legs clamp around his head and we both hold each other tight, like we’re trying to pull the other into ourselves.

When my legs loosen their grip on his head, he releases the back of mine and I lift off his cock, gasping for breath. I didn’t realize how long I’d been holding my breath. My saliva is thick and drips out of my mouth onto his cock. I feel him lift me up again and he spins me around and sets me on my feet as he stands behind me. His arms wrap around me and I can feel his warmth. I reach back and grab the back of his head, pulling him to the space where my shoulders meet my neck. He begins to kiss me, this time his tongue touching my vulnerable spots for real. I spread my legs and arch my back, awaiting his cock. I feel him bend his knees and in one motion he’s inside me, the inside of my thighs slick with sweat and pleasure. His hand goes to my throat but he doesn’t tighten his grip but simply holds me in place. His other arm is around my midsection. He begins to pump me and I feel my body bounce off of his.

You will be mine forever, I hear him say in my head.

“Yes! Please! I give myself to you!”

This quickens his pace and I can hear the squish of his cock slamming into my pussy louder.

You will never be able to resist me. I will own you.

“I give myself to you!”

His hands push me forward and bend me over. I grab the edge of the kitchen counter to brace myself against the strength of his thrusts.

You are mine Haley. You belong to me!

“Yes! Please!”

I feel my legs start to get weak and muster every last bit of strength in my body to hold myself up, but then my body seems to explode again. I cum harder than I ever have before. I actually scream at the top of my lungs, the pleasure too much to hold in and finally fall to the floor on all fours. My body starts to spasm and my back keeps arching up and down, trying to guide the orgasm to its resting point. But before it ends, Ethan is in front of me and he grabs my head and thrusts his cock into my mouth. He starts pumping me and again I can tell he’s alleviated my gag reflex.

Is this what you want, he asks me in my head.

Yes! I think. Please Ethan. I want to taste you.

His head tilts back and I feel the veins in his cock pulse against my tongue. He explodes into my mouth, his cum sliding down my throat. His seed tastes beautiful. Warm and thick, like the feeling I get when he calms me down. His hands hold my head in place as he continues to empty his seed into me. Some of it starts to drip out of my mouth as there isn’t anymore room for it. Finally, he pulls his cock away and a stream of cum falls out of my mouth and onto my body before I have a chance to close my lips. I relish the taste of his cum in my mouth for a moment.

This is what Ethan tastes like, I think to myself. He has marked me as his.

Finally, I swallow his gift and open my eyes to look at him. He’s actually panting himself, something I haven’t seen him do yet. The look in his eyes is a mixture of love and fear. I lean back on my legs and scoop up the drops of cum that fell onto my body. I’ve never really enjoyed the taste of cum before but his tastes so much different. I want it. I lick the drops of cum off my index finger as I scoop up the rest of it. Finally I look up at him, unable to stand yet. My body feels like mush, every muscle feeling like it weights a hundred pounds.

“Do you see?” He asks me.

I look at him confused.

“There was a moment there where I thought I wasn’t going to let you go. I was going to take you as mine for the rest of your life. I almost lost control of myself.”

I want to say that’s exactly what I want but I hold my tongue when I notice the burden in his eyes.

“Even now I’m finding it hard not to take control of your mind and make you mine.”

“Ethan-“ I begin but he stops me.

“I know. You want me to do that. At least, that’s what you think now, but it’ll be the last thing you ever think on your own.”

“No,” I say correcting him. Finally the strength returns to my legs and I stand up. I take his hands in mine and stand with him, the heat of our naked bodies warming the other. “What I want to say is, I understand. I would give myself to you and gladly be yours for the rest of my life, but I understand now. You’ve given me strength, and to give it right back to you would be ungrateful. I think strength, sometimes, is admitting what you want isn’t always the best thing for you.”

In this moment, for the first time since we met, he looks at me as an equal. I can see he looks at me as if I have all the wisdom he’s attained in his long life. His hand goes to my cheek and he caresses me.

“Haley Anderson, you are an extraordinary person.”

“And Ethan, you are a savior. I will never forget you.”

We kiss and I try to make it last as long as I can because I know it will be our last. When we finish, we start to put our clothes back on. He walks me to the door and we take one last look at each other as I stand in his doorway.

“Take care of yourself, Haley.”

“You too Ethan.”

I reach out for his hand and he takes mine, our fingers intertwined.

I love you, I think.

With all my heart, I love you too, he says in my head.

And with that, I take my hand away and turn to go. As I walk to my car I want to turn back and see him one more time but I know I shouldn’t. My resolve to leave is standing on a knife’s edge. When I get to my car, I walk around to the driver’s side and look up at his house. The door is closed and he isn’t in sight. The house looks the same as when I got there. It could be possible to think all of it was a dream if not for the feeling of sore muscles throughout my body. I get in the car and drive away from his house one last time.

The drive home feels so much shorter since I was in my head for most of it. I guess one should never drive after life altering sex. Distracted driving and all. I park in the driveway and make my way to the front door. When I walk in, my mom is standing in the living room looking at a piece of paper over my dad’s shoulder. I’m about to walk by them when she turns and looks at me and I immediately know something is up. My mom smiles and without saying anything, she runs up and wraps her arms around me, hugging me tight. Erin runs into the living room at that point as well.

“Oh Haley,” my mom says. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Proud of what?” I ask.

She lets me go and I see my dad standing in front of me now. He smiles at me like I’ve never seen before. Like my mom, he wraps his arms around me and hugs me so tight I can’t breath for a moment.

“I’m so proud of you, Haley,” he whispers to me. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and lets me go.

“What’s wrong with everyone?” I demand.

My dad holds out the letter he was just reading. I give him an odd look and he just smiles at me, nodding to the paper. I take it and see it’s on Rutgers University letterhead.

Dear Haley Anderson,

It’s with great pleasure that we welcome you to Rutgers University and offer you a spot in our Spring 2017 student body.

I was accepted! They actually accepted me! I look up from the letter to my mom and dad.

“Why didn’t you tell us you applied?” My mom asks.

I stutter for a moment, unsure of how to explain it. Erin is next to give me a hug, wedging her way in-between my parents.

“Congrats big sis.”

“Thanks,” I say.

“They must really like you if they’re giving you a spot for next semester.” My dad says.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder. He looks me in the eye with a stern and serious look.

“Haley. I’ve never been so proud of you.” I can see his eyes start to gloss for a moment.

I’m speechless. My dad has never said that to me before, nor did I think I would ever hear it. He clears his throat, trying to cover up the fact that he’s choked up.

“Don’t get changed. We’re going out to dinner.”

“Dad said he’s going to order us a glass of wine,” Erin says with a big smile.

“Not you,” he corrects her. “Just her. And that’s only if they don’t ask for ID.”

Everyone disperses to get ready to leave. I stand there holding my acceptance letter and close my eyes, thinking of Ethan. How is it possible one person can change your life in such a short period of time? I don’t know what he is or where he comes from, but I will forever be in his debt. He has given me so much. All my life I’ve always had a little voice of doubt in the back of my head. A voice that’s always stopping me, making sure I stay lost. He’s replaced that with his. From this point on, he will be the voice in the back of my head, a voice of love and acceptance. He has given me so much. He has given me strength, he has given me purpose, but above all else, he’s given me the one thing I thought I would never have. The thing that lets some people know their worth, that lets some people strive for better things. The one thing that keeps us all on a path and keeps us from being lost.

He has given me confidence.

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