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º GETTING ALL YOU WANT º
º º
º By º
º Roger Victor º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
EDITOR'S NOTE: THE FOLLOWING WILL NO DOUBT ANGER MANY OF OUR
WOMEN READERS AS WELL AS SOME MEN. WHEN YOU GET SO ANGRY YOU
REFUSE TO READ ANY FURTHER, PLEASE JUMP TO THE LAST PAGE AND
READ OUR OFFER.
All you want of what? Come on! You know what I'm
talking about, the thing that most of us spend every waking
hour thinking about when we aren't getting all we want.
I'm talking about the one thing that women have a one
hundred percent monopoly on. And don't they know how to use
it to get what they want? As the old country song says, they
learn it in the cradle. They tease us, threaten us, deny us,
bribe us, and get us to act like cretins and idiots before
they hand it out in small batches.
Most of us men will do almost anything to get it.
We'll lie, steal, pay, and even promise to love the little
darlings.
Now unless you're rich, or so handsome that Greek Gods
hide when you walk by, there is only one way you will ever
come close to getting all you want.
You have to have a wife.
That's the deal men made for thousands of years.
We brought home the meat, fought off the wolves, plowed the
fields, and held the ladies when they were scared, all so
that when the cooking fire burned down, we'd get access to
the treasure cave. The girls didn't just furnish loving
either. They cooked our food, sewed our clothes, chewed
leather to make our moccasins, and generally made themselves
handy all day long.
I've never known a bachelor who was getting all he
wanted. I certainly never did during those times in my life
when I didn't have a wife. The feminine libbers like to call
it prostitution these days, but call it what you like, most
husbands paid well. Perhaps, they paid too damn well.
Men didn't like to come home to find the creature with
whom they wanted to roll on the ground too exhausted to move
because she had spent the day scraping deer hides, stirring
the mastodon stew, or pounding the clothes on a rock to get
them clean. The answer was a credit card, a gas stove, a
stainless steel pressure cooker, and automatic washers. All
the sweetheart really had to do was to push the buttons on
the dishwasher, run a vacuum cleaner across the floor, throw
the clothes in the Maytag, pop dinner in the microwave, and
get ready to make hubby's day as soon as he came home.
Leave it to Eve. She kicked herself out of paradise.
She got the idea that loverboy was having nothing but a good
time all those hours he was out making a living so she
decided she wanted a career too.
Instead of looking on men as great guys who did so much
for a woman just so he could get a bit of loving, they
suddenly decided we were oppressors, the people keeping them
from discovering their true selves.
Look what we have now, a real war between the sexes.
If you are an educated American male between the ages of
twenty-five and sixty, if you went to college, and if you
work with brains instead of brawn, there is an eighty-three
per cent chance you're not getting all you want, even if you
have a wife.
You're spending hours in singles bars pretending you're
the "new" male; you're changing diapers and washing the
dishes after you've cooked the meal; you're learning how to
cry; and you're watching TV reruns alone because your wife's
out of town on a business trip. You may not even be reading
this in your own home because the current woman in your life
won't let you keep "sexist trash and pornography" in the
place. Whether you're married or single, the *new* woman has
got you jumping through hoops in so many different directions
that some of you are opting out, learning to live without any
of it at all.
Isn't it about time you stopped worrying about what
women want, and started to think about what you want?
Most men have pretty damn simple wants, a stomach full
of tasty food, a place to put our feet up in the evening, and
all the loving we can handle.
So, how do you do it, how do you get all you want?
The answer is so damn simple, it's surprising more of
you haven't figured it out.
YOU GET A HOUSEWIFE!
The word is housewife, like helpmate, a woman who
accepts you as the supplier of the good life and thanks you
for being that by giving you all you want--a woman who cooks
your food, washes your clothes, takes care of the kids, and
crawls in beside you every night.
I'll bet you thought that wonderful creature didn't
exist any more. Your wrong, they are not extinct. But they
don't hang around the places the average modern American male
lives.
Whether you're a twenty-two year old just drawing your
first pay check, a thirty-five year old that's about to
renounce sex forever rather than risk one more put down, or a
forty-five year old with a divorce settlement that makes the
sex his wife handed out for fifteen years the most expensive
thing he ever bought, there is a woman out there who can make
you a good housewife, if you know where to look.
You are not going to find that woman in the senior
class at the local university. You won't find her in the
corps of junior executives in the corporation you work for,
nor at the country club your folks belong to. She won't be
waiting for you in a bar where the drinks start at $5.50 a
shot. If you're young and you grew up in a middle, or upper
income family in the United States, there is a good chance
you have never met the kind of woman that makes a good
housewife.
If you want a housewife, you'll have to find a woman
who is living such a miserable life that she'll grab the
chance of cooking your meals, cleaning the house, spending
your money, and playing cotton tail in bed at night just to
get out of the mess she hates.
For thousands of years, women gladly jumped at becoming
a housewife because that was a hell of a lot better life than
anything else they might do.
Now days, the modern, college educated, American women
sees herself as having a lot of other options that she thinks
are better.
So where do you find a woman who doesn't have those
options. Here's a few suggestions where you can start
looking.
THE AMERICAN POOR
There are thousands of women working in jobs that pay
minimum wage with no prospects for moving up the salary
scale. They are not working because they like their career,
they're working because they will go hungry if they don't.
Most of them have been working since they were teenagers in
drudge jobs that leave them dragging their ass back home to
small apartments and tasteless meals. They are the women
that never saw the inside of a disco, who read the funny
papers and romance novels, not THE SATURDAY REVIEW nor the
Sunday edition of the NEW YORK TIMES.
That's right, one way to find the perfect housewife is
to slide a few steps down the social ladder. Look for a
woman who never went to college, and maybe didn't even get a
chance to finish high school. Go hunting for a poor thing
who will be only too happy to get pulled up a ladder she
never thought she could climb.
Make sure she understands what the bargain is when you
find her. You want a housewife that will stay a housewife,
that will stay home with the kids figuring out ways to make
tasty but economical meals, patching the hole in your sock
instead of throwing the pair in the wastebasket.
I'll admit that with the joys of the American education
system, the poor young ladies are much rarer than they used
to be. But there are still some of them out there. All you
have to do is look. Belief me, they will be happy you found
them.
But where do you look for them?
You can't hunt deer in Central Park and you can't catch
fish in the bathtub. If you want to find a woman that will
happily sign up as a housewife, you'll have to go to the
kinds of places they gather.
One place to look is the small cities and rural towns
of America. For every run-a-way from Minnesota that ends up
selling it on Times Square, there are a hundred more back
home still keeping it as a private stock and dreaming about a
prince charming who doesn't have black grime under his finger
nails and won't insist that she keep working at her job as a
waitress or a construction crew flag girl so he can afford a
six pack every evening.
Save the money you would have spent on a Club Med
vacation, and drive up for a weekend to one of the rural
towns of the state you live in, not one of the places the
tourist all go, but someplace where everybody, especially the
women, know that a male stranger is in town.
Take a summer vacation in the mid-west or one of the
mountain States. Forget about the girls sitting at the bar,
or eating in the fancy restaurant. Talk to the waitress, the
girl checking out groceries, the counter girl at the motel, or
the meter maid putting a parking ticket on your car.
You may not even have to go that far from your own
home. Most big cities have working class neighborhoods where
parents often don't have the money to send their children to
college. Instead of sitting at home watching the Celtics
play basketball, take in a high school game in the part of
town where the fathers all carry lunch boxes off to work
every day.
The secret is making it clear from the very beginning
exactly what you are interested in--a housewife. When you
meet a girl a couple of social classes down the way, make
sure you work into the conversation early on how much you
like the old fashion way, how badly you want a wife that will
be a housewife.
Making them understand that has a double advantage.
First, you weed out those girls who have read so much modern
junk they think a jump up the social ladder should mean an
exciting career, not a life of luxury tending house and
waiting for a man to come home for some tender loving. The
second reason is that you create a situation of trust. Too
many lower class women have been burned by the man with money
in his pocket who was looking for variety, not a lifetime
diet. You want to to convince them you're for real.
THE FOREIGN BRIDE
If you've made it in this country you wear Italian
shoes and suits from a London tailor. You use a Japanese
camera and watch a television set made in Korea. You drink
German beer and French wine and who with any money drives an
American car? So why not look for a wife in one of those
countries that producing everything else that makes life so
nice to live.
You've seen the adds in the back of magazines. "Asian
women want to meet American men." It's not just the Asian
women who are jumping at the chance of becoming American
housewives. There are women waiting for someone like you in
Mexico, Spain, any of the recently communist countries, all
of South America, and even Australia and New Zealand too.
Don't just answer a magazine ad. Learn all you can
about the different foreign cultures. Pick the one that
appeals to you most and spend some vacation time visiting
there. If possible, learn the language of the country you
focus your attention on.
I've spent years living overseas and I know dozens of
American men who have married foreign women, some as a first
wife, and many as a second try. It doesn't work every time,
but most of the men I know with foreign wives are a lot
happier than the boys back on Madison Avenue who are still
trying to figure out what the American model they're living
with really wants.
THE NOT SO PRETTY
Every one likes a pretty girl on his arm and all cats
aren't the same in the dark, not if one weighs one hundred
pounds and the second one breaks the scale at three fifty.
Still, homely women can make damn fine lovers, and grateful
ones too. There are thousands of women who have given up the
hope of ever being held, cuddled, and loved because their
parents never paid to get their teeth straightened, their
features don't quite fit together, their breast are too
small, their hips are too thick, or their hair too thin.
When you meet one, make her day and give her a smile. You
might find there is a nice person there, one that would be
only too happy to play the old fashion game of helpmate, if
some man would only give her a chance. You'll be surprised
how pretty they can be in the dark.
So what if your friends smirk whenever you show up in
public. When they're home begging the stunning beauty they
married for another tiny bit of the loving she hands out once
every two weeks, you'll be sacked out and sound asleep, the
dark hiding the silly smile on your face the same way it
hides your wife's crossed eyes or dumbo ears.
If you absolutely have to have a stunning blond hanging
on your arm whenever you show up in public, hire one for the
occasion. Believe me, it will be cheaper in the long run.
THE RELIGIOUS LADY
Don't forget about the woman who thinks Phyllis Shafley
is right, the girl who believes that God intended for the man
to rule and the woman to obey. However, move carefully here,
unless you share those same religious beliefs. If you don't,
expect her to spend half her life trying to save your soul.
Worse yet, sometime the religious ones have been so sold on
sex being evil, they never get over it being a no-no.
They'll let you, because the priest tells them they have to,
but they won't enjoy it, and neither will you.
THE DIVORCED AND THE WIDOWED
The older you get, the more of these there are going to
be in an age group that fits your needs. There will be so
many of them by the time you reach sixty, you may not even
need to take a housewife to make sure you get all you want.
Way back when I was a kid I knew a fellow named Chester who
was sixty-five. He had a stable of women hauling his ashes
that would have done a Mormon patriarch proud. His only
problem was scheduling which one was putting out on what
night.
Still, it's not just sex we're talking about, it's the
other goodies that go with living with a woman. If you're
still healthy, able to pay the bills that come from
supporting a woman, and look like you have a few more years,
the widows and the divorcees, especially the ones with
children, will be lining up to listen to your offers.
ONCE YOU'VE GOT ONE PICKED OUT
The real problem isn't finding a helpmate, it's the
hard bargaining you have to engage in to make sure you get
what you want. No matter where you find the woman, the key
point is making it clear before she moves in exactly what the
deal is. You'll be the one who earns the salary, she'll take
care of the housework, and you decide when it's time to not
make love. If you want to really be smart, you'll put it in
writing, along with some very clear understandings about how
you divide up the property and the kids if you decide she's
no longer living up to her share of the bargain.
The modern American woman working beside you at the
office will hate you for it. She'll sneer at you, call you a
pig, and try to talk your wife out of the happiness you both
have. She will also spend a lot of time wondering why she
can't have what that poor, foreign, uneducated, homely twit
waiting for you at home has--a man who acts like he wants to
act, not like NOW thinks he should act.
I ought to make it clear here that I like the modern,
educated, career oriented American woman. I've always liked
bright, intelligent ladies. I agree they must be paid
exactly what a man is paid if they are doing the same kind of
work, and I have absolutely no problems taking orders from
one if she happens to be the boss. At different times, I've
worked for three different women and I got along great with
all of them and promotions from two of them. I agree that
they have every right to work free of sexual harrassment with
the full respect of their co-workers.
Some modern, educated American women even make good
housewives. There are those who have figured out that being
a wife and a mother can be just as rewarding and certainly as
important to society as any job they could ever find. If you
find one of those, you may have found the best of everything.
EDITOR'S OFFER: EVERY HUMAN BEING IS ENTITLED TO FIND HIS OR
HER OWN HAPPINESS, INCLUDING HAPPINESS IN MARRIAGE AND FAMILY
LIFE, THROUGH THE BARGAINING PROCESS. WE WOULD LIKE TO PRINT
A COUNTER-PIECE TO THE ABOVE ARTICLE, WRITTEN BY A WOMAN AND
SUGGESTING HOW THE MODERN AMERICAN WOMAN CAN BEST FIND THE
KIND OF MAN SHE WOULD LIKE TO SHARE HER LIFE WITH AND WHAT
KIND OF BARGAIN SHE WOULD LIKE TO MAKE WITH SUCH A PERSON.
WE PROMISE WE WILL PUBLISH IN A FUTURE ISSUE OF *THE CHAOS
ADVOCATE* THE BEST SUCH PIECE SUBMITTED TO US.
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