"...so damned unpretty.." blared out of the radio, as TLC's once famous
song brought me back to a time 15 years ago......
***********************
"Why In the hell do you like me?"
Linda asked.
"Because You
are lovable sweetie!" I stated, wondering why she could
never understand that I could love her.
"What do you mean? All I am is an ugly freak!" She began to
cry.
Holding her to my shoulder, I recalled what
my mom once said to me 2
years ago. Being a guy of 16, I
couldn't understand why she felt this way,
but, decided to parrot the once wise words that had saved my life.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I see you as lovely. I don't
know why you keep trying to see yourself as something less."
She sniffled, pulled her head back and
looked at me like I was from Mars
(Which,
since then, I have learned that Men truly are from Mars and Women
are from Venus!)
"What do you mean Trying
to see myself as something less?" She queried,
while trying to puzzle out if I was being serious.
"I mean, you are beautiful. The only way you could not see this is if
you were trying not to. There is too
much good about you to not see any of
it!" I exclaimed
She looked into my eyes again, and I saw
something there that scared the
shit out of me.
"I am nothing special. As a matter of fact, I don't understand what
you
would ever want with a girl like me." She said.
Sighing, I leaned back against the
lockers. This required a story that
I was
certain I did not want to tell in the middle of the crowded halls in
our school (Can you say dope fiends?
I knew that you could! <sorry Mr.
few minutes to talk privately. I
need to let you know something about me.
It will
be hard to hear, and I think even harder to say."
"...uhh... Sure, I guess. What does that have to do with..." she
started
Not trying to be rude, I grabbed her hand
and started walking....
towards the administration building! As she trailed along with me, I could
feel her getting more and more concerned with our destination. Not pausing
once we arrived, I pulled her into a closed office. I took a moment to
compose myself and to place a short call on the interoffice
phone. Then,
turning towards her, I started to talk.
"
school, you have always been there. Remember us meeting in Mr. Halls
Geometry class that first day?" I hurried on seeing her smile in
recollection "Well, I kinda lied to everyone as to why I
transferred here
at the beginning of Sophomore year." I looked at her to make sure I
had her
attention.
"I was raped." I couldn't think of
a better way to come out and say it,
and with her shocked look, I figured I might as well go on before she ran
out screaming "As you know, My dad is... well he lets just say he is VERY
devout in his Christian beliefs.
You know I am a geek and at 120 Lbs, I
have always been... Well... easy prey for bullies. In my freshman year,
I was
raped by a teacher at a Christian school.
I tried to tell my dad,
buy he thought that I was lying to cover up for the fact I was doing badly
in that teacher's class. My mom
overheard the conversation and came in.
She told
my dad to shut the fuck up!" I chuckled, thinking back at the
shocked look on my dads face.
"You should have seen my dad. He looked like someone had smacked him in
the face with a cold fish. He sat
there with his mouth trying to make
words, and looking at my mom like she was from another planet. She then
told me to finish telling them what happened. I tried to make them
understand that I wasn't a fag or nothing. But, I could see the look on my
dads face. He had already decided
that I was something less than he would
pick up after the dog." near tears I concluded "I decided that I
needed to
die."
Looking at her, I figured I had shot my wad;
she was going to run out of
the room freaked beyond belief. Much
to my surprise, she asked "What
happened then?" She seemed enthralled by the story.
Feeling the pain and humiliation of the
past, I continued.
"I finally got through the story with
my parents. Then came the police,
every man I looked at had pity or disgust in their eyes, and I didn't know
how to deal with it. Once we got
through with the police, it was damn near
sleeping pills and I would never have to wake up again. Going to the
bathroom, I started to open the bottle of medicine as the thoughts
and
feelings of the day had rushed through me. Feeling Pain, Humiliation, and
Fear, all because I wasn't a big enough man to protect my
manhood. I was
spoiled, a freak and a total disappointment to both of my
parents." Here I
stopped, unable to go on.
Tears were pouring down my cheeks, as I
noticed Mrs. Lopez sitting with
us. She had known of my story, but
I wasn't sure if she believed me until
that moment. I saw the same tears
flowing across her cheeks that were
mirrored on my own. Drawing
on something I didn't know that I had, I
resumed.
"I downed the pills. I remember thinking that I hoped this would
make
me look better to my dad. I hoped
he would know that I was trying to fix
things for him. I sorta stumbled into my room, not able to see that well,
and passed out on the bed. My last
wish was that my mom would not worry
about me and mess this up.
Unfortunately, she didn't. My
sister did. At
5 years
old she knew not to touch the bottles in the bathroom. When she
found an empty bottle of pills in the sink, she asked my mom to come put
them away. Later I found out that she
saw the bottle and called 911
running to my room. I woke
up in the hospital 3 days later, with my
stomach feeling like someone took a chainsaw to it. I realized I was still
alive and started to cry. I couldn't
believe it. I fucked up committing
suicide. And I knew that
everyone else on the planet knew I was damaged
goods. I couldn't protect myself and I
couldn't even kill myself right. I
was certain that I was now going to get the "What the hell were you
thinking" speech. I
guess the crying woke up the people sitting on the
couch. My mom, looking like she had 2
black eyes, came around to where I
was facing. She rubbed my cheeks,
wiping away tears, and asked if I needed
something for pain. I couldn't
believe her. I was so sure she was mad
at
me, yet she was asking if I needed something for pain. I waited for the
yelling to start. I heard
the curtains of the "room" I was in move and
tried to curl into a ball. I wasn't
ready for anyone else. No Doctors, No
Family. I wanted sweet
oblivion; I was so ready to die."
Realizing I was telling Linda this story, I
looked to her. She had
joined in the tears that were shared around the room. Mrs. Lopez, sitting
quietly, asked a question "Are you sure you can deal with this
now Tony?"
"Not like I have much choice Mrs. L. Linda is in a similar situation."
I stated
and watched Linda look like a scared rabbit.
Ready to run.
"She has been having some troubles, at
home I guess, and she needed to
know there are others that can help.
That was why I went through all the
graphic stuff. Not
everything, but enough to know that I have, and
sometimes still am, gone through hell. Sometimes, the only way to let
people know is through example.
I have tried to be supportive and to let
her open up on her own, but, it hasn't helped. Something she said to me
today, made me realize she is as close to the edge as I was." I finished
up
with a feeling of helplessness.
When Mrs.
Lopez looked at Linda expectantly, I stated
"I don't think
she is ready to talk yet. Let me
finish my story. I am almost
through."
Picking up where I left off "I was
ready to die. No one could ever
understand what I was feeling.
I was broken in my soul, and outside of
death, there was no cure. I kept my
eyes closed as the nurse checked me
out, then as the doctor did his thing.
I didn't want to see anyone else's
eyes. No more pity. No more disgust at this little boy who let
some guy
put his dick in my ass. I sure as
hell didn't want to see that look in my
father's eyes again. All I
wished for was death, for everyone to leave me
alone with my pain. Of course they
didn't. I opened my eyes 2 days later,
to see something I wasn't prepared for.
My dad.
He sat there looking at
his lap, as my mom slept on the bed beside me. I almost started crying
again. I had never gotten along to
well with my dad. He and I were just
too much different. While he was an
athlete, I was a nerd. He was
popular, I was a wallflower.
I never expected to hear what he said.
'Tony, I
know you are awake. I am sorry that I
doubted you. That man is
now behind bars, and will never hurt you again. I am sorry that I am not
there too. I hurt you by not
supporting you, and I am so sorry.
Please
forgive me son.' I was shocked, to say the least. Here is a proud man that
I was
afraid was ready to rip me apart for not being a man, apologizing to
me."
I took a deep breath and wrapped it up
"After that, I began to get
therapy from a doctor that specialized in childhood rape. I can't say that
I have
fully recovered, but, I hope that I have gotten back to living life
instead of wanting to die." I then asked the question
"Linda, what has been going on at home to you? I know you have been
feeling some of the same self hate and I could see in your eyes
this
morning the wish of death. I
don't want to hurt you; I really just don't
want to lose you. I guess I am
selfish that way."
She lifted her head, stared me in the eyes,
and started "My mom has been
forcing me to have sex with my dad.
I was 13 when it started..."
I sat back and listened, waiting for the
story to unfold. Hoping that
my friend would be ok.
After sending her mom to jail, and receiving
extensive therapy, Linda
graduated from High School. I
lost track of her as I joined the Army and
went to see the world. I came back to
our hometown, realizing I had to
talk to her. I asked some friends
about her, and they all didn't know. I
had thought that was weird but seeing as I had lost track, I couldn't blame
them. I finally tracked her down in a
mall. I was sitting there, enjoying
my Orange Julius, and she walked up.
She looked great, and had a new ring
on her left ring finger. I stood
up, kissed her cheek and said "Damn you
look good
She blushed and hugged me tight. I asked how things were going and made
small talk for over 2 hours.
As she got up to leave, she said
"Tony. 4 years ago, you saved my
life.
I know
you were still hurting and when you pulled me into the office, I was
ready to go home and slit my wrists.
Thank you for keeping me alive and
for helping me to get my head and life back together." With that she
left,
leaving me to my own thoughts.
**********************************************************
Traffic brought me out of my daydreaming of
days gone by. I felt a tear
creeping down my cheek. I
only hoped that more people were caught before
they took drastic steps, just because they felt "unpretty".