Confessions of a Young Pedophile. Part 1 of 2 (An autobiography) This story is sort of personal confession and I was prompted to write it when a friend whom I talk to over the Internet, expressed some interest in my past. This is only my second attempt at writing so I would appreciate any feedback, good or bad. My first attempt was pure fiction (STRANGE MEETING.TXT) whereas here, the events are I am to describe are factually true events that occurred 50+ years ago and continuing for approximately 14 years. They involve sexual activities between pre-teen young girls and myself. These occurred as close as my memory allows, and because of their nature, should not be read by the overly sensitive, where it is legally or morally forbidden, or anyone under the legal age. Feel free to use the story for your own pleasure, or re post it as-is with no changes as long as you include this header. You may not use it to benefit yourself or anyone else financially. Please send comments to: girl_luvr@repairman.com ------------------------------------------------------------------- This is part 1 of 2 Chapter 1. INTRODUCTION Perhaps I should start by telling a little more about myself. I am married and have 2 adult children who live their own lives in other cities. I am of average, white, male and aged 60. I am 5' 9 ½" tall, and weigh in at about 180 odd pounds. I have the typical male waist problem of my age, have all my hair, and my mind (hopefully) is still mainly intact. As regards to the events that I am to portray, for obvious reasons, my memory is vague about the exact age I was when the earliest events occurred. When I first began to think back to these episodes of my youth, the details emerged slowly over a period of months and were fascinating to remember. Each time I mentally ran through the sequence of events, I remembered more detail and often one thing would trigger a memory of another. Finally it occurred to me that I should record it somewhere and this is the result. I have had to make some age approximations but this does not detract from the accuracy of the events, and for obvious reasons you will also find that more details are available for the later occasions. As I was older, as my memory of the events is a little better. Chapter 2. THE EARLY YEARS I was born 1939 as the eldest of a family of three boys and these events occurred between about 1946 and 1960. My mother was young, and I suspect, very immature. My father was a hard worker but also was an alcoholic and as he was rarely home, had very little effect on my life. At that time, sex was a subject that was never mentioned and the one time I can remember asking where babies came from, I was told that they were found under cabbages in the garden. (I suspect many from that era will relate to that) Sometime around the age of five during my first year at school, something happened which made a profound impression on me. I was playing at the far end of the school grounds during lunch recess, when I saw six older boys form a circle around a girl of about 7 or 8 and take her behind some trees. She was forced to the ground and while two boys held her down by the shoulders, others lifted her dress, pulled her panties down around ankles and then stood around laughing and making ribald comments. I still remember this vividly, as it was the first time I had seen a girl without panties. I remember little of what she looked like, but what did affect me, was that she was crying and calling out for help and I can remember feeling very sorry for her. After watching for a few minutes, I was so upset that I ran away, and as I moved to another school the following year, I never did find out what happened over it. What effect this had on my psychological make-up at such a tender age is a matter of conjecture. All I can say that the events of that day are still vivid, and stay with me now more than 55 years later. If it affected me that much as a bystander, I have often wondered what effect it had on the poor girl. AChapter from that, girls never figured much in my thoughts until I was somewhere about the age of seven when my mother had some visitors from another city stay with us. It was bath time and my younger brothers had been put to bed so it was my turn for the bath. Suddenly the door opened and our visitor came in with her 6-year old daughter. She undressed her and placed her in the opposite end of the bath and left us there. Suddenly I realized that girls were different and "something" was missing. I could hardly keep my eyes of her groin and because of the "cut" there, I seem to remember wondering if there had been an accident, and her "cock" had been cut off. I was dying to know what had happened to her and was quite disappointed when her mother returned, bathed and dried her, then wrapped her in the Towel and left to dress her for bed. Thinking back, it was about here that my obsession with the cute little hairless slit between girl's legs started although at that time I was totally unaware of where it would lead me. I thought no more of this until some months later. I am unsure of the exact age I was, but it was probably somewhere around my eighth birthday. This particular day my brother's and I were playing with a group of neighborhood children in a nearby empty lot. After about an hour everyone left except one girl and myself. We decided to play hide and seek in a large stand of trees. I suddenly remembered the earlier experience and, as we could not be seen, decided to try and see what she looked like. I made the casual suggestion that she may like to play "Mothers and Fathers". She seemed quite agreeable so we found a small clearing in the trees where we were able to kneel down and not be seen. Within seconds she had lifted her dress and pulled down her panties while I opened my shorts. I was fascinated to see she was also missing a penis and I investigated this in great detail, to which she seemed to derive some pleasure. I realized that this must be the way ALL girls were made and wondered how she managed to "pee" without a penis. To my great disappointment, we had to cut the game short when we heard her mother calling her for dinner. I wanted to continue a few days later but she never agreed to this again. She came from a family of three sisters and yet was not at all surprised at seeing my very immature "equipment". That brief encounter piqued my interest and I decided to follow the interesting question about "peeing" the first opportunity that arose and this was the time when my active interest in investigating and fondling the genitals of young girls started. In the street behind where we lived was a small inner city park called "Hamilton Square". It is a square grassed area in the middle of a residential housing area and had about 20 large, very old trees and a lot of smaller bushes. The square had been provided with a Band Rotunda; public men's and women's toilets; and children's playground. It's main use was as a practice area by local brass bands which were very popular back then, but of course was also used as a recreational area by local families and by all the local children as a playground. Almost opposite the square lived a family with 12 children and I used to particularly friendly with one boy from this large family. When I used to call at his house, if he was not home I would sometimes play with his other sisters or brothers. Also in the family were twin girls who at that stage were only slightly younger than I was. They were not identical twins as one was blond and the other was somewhat darker. One day I happened to find myself alone on the Rotunda with the blond twin. I started to make suggestions and I found that with only a very minor amount of coaxing, she allowed me to put my hand under her dress and touch her genitals through her panties. Of course I wanted more, so I asked her if she liked it and as she said 'yes", I persuaded her to follow me across the park to the nearby men's toilet. Because of the position on the edge of the square, they were very close to houses across the street, so for privacy the council had apparently placed the door at the rear and then provided additional privacy by shielding it with a group of trees and bushes. Something I might add that would never be done these days. This toilet was perfect for my activities and I made continued use of it over the years that followed. We walked over and stood behind the bushes so that we could not be seen from the park side. After I checked the toilet and made sure it was empty, she followed me into a cubicle and after I shut the door, she allowed me to take off her panties. As she was quite a small girl for her age, I helped her up to stand on the seat of the toilet. This placed her at a much better height and I was able to have a marvelous time inspecting and playing with her very pretty young genitals. At that young age I had no idea that girls had a Vagina so my activities were limited to me rubbing my fingers up and down her "slit". I also opening it to see what was inside and I think this was the first time that I actively realized that there was a tiny bump in there. I can remember wondering if it was a penis that had not grown fully. I showed her my penis, and after seeing it that first day, she seemed quite interested and on later occasions sometimes she would ask to hold it to see it grow larger. (Only a slight amount at that young age of course) I was very keen to repeat this delightful time and looked for her after school, but every time I saw her, she was with other children. Much to my frustration, I did not see her alone for about 2 weeks. Then one afternoon as I was walking home from school, she came out of the gate alongside me. I asked if she would like to come to the square and play afterwards. She told me she had to clean her room but would be there after that. I did some of my homework then went to the square and waited for her. I began to think she was not coming when she walked around the corner and to my surprise walked toward the men's toilet instead of toward me. We met behind it and I asked if she wanted to go in. She said "yes" so I made sure that the building was empty, and as there was nobody near, we sneaked into a cubicle. I turned around to lock the door and when I turned back, to my delight she had already taken off her shorts and was removing her panties. Again I helped her to climb up on the seat and this time when I started to touch her gently, she took hold of my wrist with both her hands and pressed my hand harder into her groin. Of course I cooperated and she seemed to get quite excited by it and I have to confess that I was in seventh heaven. I did manage to persuade her to play with my penis but she really seemed to prefer me touching her. After that occasion, whenever we met, she always wanted me to "play" with her, regardless of where we were, or what we were doing. Her enthusiasm was such that at times it caused a near disaster and in fact, I can remember one occasion I went to see her older brother at their home and happened to meet her in her father's garage/workshop. Her father was working in a room only few feet away, but before I realized what was happening, she had lifted her dress and was going to remove her panties. I was fortunately able to stop her or I may have been in serious trouble. This pretty young girl was most unusual in that she seemed to derive a huge amount of pleasure from our juvenile sexual contacts. I don't think she ever had an orgasm but she certainly seemed to enjoy the contact. I have to say that I don't remember any other girl since who derived so much enjoyment from my "activities. These contacts continued for most of that year and I managed to find an opportunity every week or so to take her to the Toilet or into a nearby clump of trees that provided some privacy. At times she would come and seek me out and on the rare occasion when I was not free she seemed quite disappointed. Regrettably after about 10 months, she suddenly lost interest and no longer wanted to play my "games". I was totally devastated at loosing that playmate, so I set out to try and interest her twin sister. One afternoon my parents and two brothers were away for the day and as I was home alone, so I walked around the corner and invited back to my house to play. She came a little later and I we played for a while until I eventually I "popped the question". To my great disappointment I found that unlike her twin sister, she was not the slightest bit interested, despite my best efforts to get her to cooperate. I tried all sorts of inducements, but the only thing she would permit in the end was to briefly touch her genitals through her panties. I never did understand why one sister was so agreeable when the other was not. I have vague recollections that there were quite a number of minor incidents after this that I cannot recall in detail, but the next major event that I can remember was when I was about 9 or 10 when I went to visit a friend after school. At this point, I will apologize in advance if the following description seems a bit clinical but it is this very thing that makes it remain so vividly in my memory. Arriving at my friend's house, I was met at the door by a very excited boy who told that he and his older sister (who was probably about 13 or 14) had been playing "Doctors & Nurses" and that he had just found that his sister had two holes. I was most interested and as we went to his bedroom and as I walked through the door, I was very totally surprised to see that I was looking at his sisters exposed genitals only 6 feet away. She was completely naked, and was lying sideways on the bed with her knees drawn up and her legs spread very widely apart. This allowed excellent access and enabled us to examine her genitals in greater detail that any girl I had seen before. We stood beside the bed and had a marvelous time with our noses almost in her Vagina inspecting it in very minute detail. The thing I noticed immediately and can remember most vividly was that this strange unexplained "hole" was extremely wet. We still had no idea what this hole was for, but we took turns playing with her. I got a huge amount of enjoyment from rubbing her "slit", and inserting our finger's in her "hole", although one finger at a time was all she would allow. I would tickle her "bump" with my finger while my friend would work his finger in and out of this "hole" then we would swap over. I must have been very sexually excited but I cannot remember what I did about it, nor can I remember if she climaxed or not. After about 40 minutes she wanted to go to the toilet and to our huge disappointment she came back dressed so our fun was over. On several later occasions her brother and I tried to persuade her to repeat the experience but to no avail. About 6 months later they moved to another Chapter of town and I lost touch with them. COMMENT: In those years, few children had any knowledge of the names for the parts of the female genitals and I had certainly never heard of a Hymen. The overriding memory I have is that, to my young eyes her "hole" (Vagina) seemed huge, and I presume that if she had ever had a hymen, somewhere she had lost it. Her brother and I were able to see deep inside her Vagina and insert a finger with no resistance at all. My main overriding memory of this was that her Vagina was VERY wet and as her tummy rose and fell as she breathed, her Vagina blew little bubbles. This may sound odd I know, but it is these odd things are what memories are made of. That occasion was also unusual as it had a number of things that made its memory stay with me in vivid detail. It was the only occasion where someone else started it. The first occasion that I participated with another boy. The first time I had seen a girl totally naked. The first girl I had seen that was starting to develop, as she had small breasts with little bit of pale, soft pubic hair. The only girl I met where her clitoris protruded (slightly) from her labia, which I found most fascinating, and lastly she was the first girl that allowed me to insert a finger in her Vagina. Chapter 3. MID CHILDHOOD Over the fifteen-year time period that I talk about here, there have been many dozens of occasions where I had relations with young girls. Most were a single brief encounter, but each of these described here had something unusual about them that made them stay in my memory while the rest are just vague shadows. However, all followed a similar pattern. I would meet a girl somewhere and something about her would make me think she may be amenable. I would very carefully make suggestions and, if agreeable find a secluded location (often, public toilets or within dense clumps of bushes) and pull down her panties. I would then fondle her genitals and she may (or may not) do the same to me, although I don't ever remember masturbating in front of a girl until much later. We would Chapter and more often than not, I would never see her again I find it interesting to recall how easy some girls were to persuade to participate in my "games" and how difficult (or impossible) others were. Thinking back, it seems that I must have been the local neighborhood "Sex fiend". My two brothers never showed any such tendency that I was aware of, and I frequently wonder what made me the way I am. At one time or another I must have tried to have my "way" with every girl nearby and while some were successful, most were not. About a year after this, our family I went on a 300-mile bus drive to visit one of my mother's old school friends in another city. This family had two daughters that had been placed in one bedroom while my brothers and I share one across the hall. On the second day as my brothers were playing outside and our parents were busy in another Chapter of the house, it was not long before I was in their bedroom and tentatively making suggestions. The older one was not at all interested, but the younger girl certainly was. I can remember sitting on her bed, and pulling the crotch of her panties to one side while I gently rubbed her "slit". While the older sister apparently disapproved, she still sat on her bad and watched what I did with a great deal of interest. She never "told on us" which was rather puzzling when I think about it now. As the following day was very sunny, the two families went to the nearby beach. The older sister had a friend with her and as my brother's were young, they had to stay near the adults and play in the sand. This meant that the younger girl and I were free to explore. The beach was a very safe one and as the tide was a long way out, we walked miles out on the tidal flats to investigate rock pools and stranded fish. I suddenly realized that we were well out of sight of the shore and there was nobody nearby. We stopped to investigate a large rock pool and I asked if she would like to play "doctors" again. She happily lay on the sand and spread her legs wide apart. I was able to pull the crutch of her swimsuit to one side and had a delightful time playing with her genitals, which she again seemed to enjoy. I suddenly remembered my puzzlement about how girls were able to pee without a penis so asked if she could show me. After all, we were already wet and there was only sand under us. She said, "You do it first then I will". I was able to pee to show her how boys "did it", while she sat in the sand and watched me with considerable interest. Her turn came so she squatted while I held the material of her swimsuit to one side and within a few minutes, was able to oblige. Regrettably because she squatting and the swimsuit was partially in the way, I was still not able to fully see where the stream of urine came from. It seemed to be from this mysterious, unexplained hole. I now knew all girls had this hole and I can remember wondering why it had to be so big just to pee out of, when the end of my "cock" only had a tiny one. Much to my disappointment we were unable to be alone for the rest of our visit, so no further opportunities presented themselves. I can still remember how frustrated I was, having to return home and leave my fun playmate behind. On another occasion about this time I was involved in an interesting role reversal and this was the only time in my early life where a girl initiated the activity. Two older girls that I knew slightly lived in a nearby street said they had something to give me and would I call around that afternoon after school. I did so and when I got there I was taken into what was obviously one girl's bedroom. I was told that it was a surprise, so I was asked to lie on the bed and close my eyes. Suddenly the older sister held my arms while the younger started to remove my shorts. I was a bit frightened and started to struggle but to avail, as they were larger and stronger than I was. When they started to play with my penis and testicles, I suddenly realized that this was fun and lay back to enjoy it. With a bit of persuasion on my part, after a while the older one lifted her dress, removed her panties and allowed me play with her genitals but would not allow me to insert my finger in her "hole". She quite well developed and this was my first real experience of full female pubic hair. Chapter 4. BECOMING A TEEN By now I was about 13 and had started masturbating, often 2 or 3 times a day. As I was older I had more freedom to travel around, and used to frequent a very large park on the outskirts of town. I should mention that during my wandering around this park I used to spend considerable time trying to see up girl's dresses to catch a glimpse of their panties or trying to see them getting changed. In fact this was the main reason I used to frequent the area. Near the main gate of the park was a small swimming pool. I used to hang out around this area to talk to girls that I met, but few opportunities were available as this pool was very public with a lot of people passing. However about 200 - 300 yards away from the main public pool was a small, shallow paddling pool used by mothers with young children and was also used on occasion for paddling by older children. I liked to sit on the seats nearby because girls would often paddle in the pool and to do this, the common thing as for them to tuck the hem of their dress into the legs of their panties giving an almost bloomer like effect. Because of this I was often able to see their underwear and this gave me quite a thrill. Nearby, and fairly secluded by trees, was an old dressing shed consisting of back to back male and female facilities. Each half consisted of a changing room and a single toilet cubicle. This cubicle was roofed, but the changing area was open so there was plenty of light. These areas were rather dilapidated and I had found a thin horizontal gap just above head height in the wall between the two changing areas. When there was nobody around, I was able to stand on the wooden form and use this gap to view in great detail what was happening in the other side. However as other boys often used the changing rooms, I had to constantly be on guard so this option was frequently not available, and I was in constant danger of being caught. However these buildings had been built very close to a large hedge and the rear wall had been sheathed in old corrugated Iron. I suspect like all town councils, years before when these had been built ours had saved money by using second hand iron. I had found that when nobody was looking, I was able to push between the hedge and this wall and, provided I was very quiet, nobody was ever aware that I was there. Being used iron, there were quite a few nail holes in the wall so whenever opportunity permitted, I would sneak between the hedge and dressing shed and peer through these small holes. On occasions I used to hide for sometimes up to an hour waiting until girls came to get changed. I was often successful in seeing girl's that were partially or completely nude, but as the holes were small my view was rather limited. However to my young teenage mind this was all tremendously exciting and I would sometimes wait there for an hour or more with my heart pounding to get a few minutes glimpse. Once I saw two girls of about 13 or 14 come in and get undressed and to my excitement start to hug each other, then gently rub each others small breasts. This only lasted for a minute as they heard someone coming and stopped to put their swimsuits on. Shortly after this I came close to my undoing. I used to talk to girls that I met and carefully "sound them out", usually with only limited success. One day I met a girl of probably the same age or a bit younger than myself. We walked around the park while I talked to her and eventually sat down on the edge of a small stream running one end. At this point the stream was about 4 feet lower than the surrounding park and the lawns sloped down to the stream edge. There was nobody nearby, while ahead there was only bare lawn. It was over 200 yards to the nearest houses, so we really could not be seen. She didn't refuse any suggestions that I made so I soon had the crotch of her panties gently pulled to one side while I played with her clitoris and vulva. She seemed almost impassive and strangely didn't seem to either like or dislike what I was doing. I found this very odd when I thought about it later, but I was to busy enjoying myself at the time to worry. She was the only girl that I "played with" that seemed like that. Most were either definitely "NO" or were very willing and seemed to enjoy the experience. When we finished I asked her to meet me there the following day. She agreed and I rode home on my bicycle with great expectations for the next day. About an hour later my brother came home and told me a lady was looking for a boy who had interfered with her daughter. He said that the description had sounded like me. Of course I denied this and I told him I had not been near the park. The girl had obviously told her mother and, as she could not find me, she had told this group of boys (my brother was one) to tell "the boy" if they found him, that she was going report him to the school headmaster. I was physically sick with worry for the next three days but nothing happened. I can only assume that the parents decided that it was not very serious and elected not to pursue the matter. However this put a damper on my activities and I kept well clear of the park for many months. This was very frustrating, as this had been my favorite happy hunting ground. I seem to remember that I was about 14 and it was the following summer when I felt it safe to return to the park, but no opportunities presented themselves for quite a number of weeks. The next occasion also occurred at the park and was memorable because it was the only time I got involved with a boy and girl together and if I remember correctly, the first time I masturbated in front of a girl. One day I was near the paddling pool and saw a girl and boy sitting in one of the many picnic seat seats that were scattered around. These were made of cast concrete with room for two to sit and had a small table in front to eat from. In fact, they looked not unlike old- fashioned school desks. The table had a modesty skirt down the front, which I always regretted as it concealed any chance of looking up girl's dresses. As they appeared to be very close and looked as if they were touching each other, I wandered over and after talking to them for a few minutes, I asked if they were playing "mothers and fathers". They said, "No, we aren't", and although I was a bit disappointed, I continued to chat about school and anything I could think of. I soon found that the boy was not her brother, but was a friend from next door. I suppose she may have been about 12 and he could have been a year or two younger. With my heart beating furiously, after talking to them a few minutes, I asked if they were interested playing my game of "mothers & fathers". They looked at each other, hesitated for a few seconds and then said "yes". I can still remember my heart felt as if it had jumped into my throat. Back in those days, the park was on the outskirts of our small town and because it was very busy that day, I had no idea where to go, so I led them to the most remote Chapter of the park and a small rear exit. We rode on our bicycles away from the town where I hoped to find a secluded spot outside the park. On the road away from the town were some old fashioned very large, deep drains that were surrounded by weeds. This gave me an idea and, as one Chapter of the drain looked dry and accessible I jumped in to have a look. Deciding that it was suitable, I lifted my bike into the ditch, followed by theirs, and then helped them down. The drain was 5 feet deep at that point, and as high weeds surrounded it, cars could pass only 6 feet away and not see a thing. This was the first time I had attempted this sort of activity with a boy present so I was a little cautious. First I said that "to be sure they knew what we were there for, I would show them inside my trousers". I pulled the top open and my underpants down and they both looked, but of course my genitals were only partially visible. I asked if they still wanted me to remove my trousers. They both said "yes", so I pulled then and underpants down. Of course by then I had a full erection and the look on the young girl's face is one I have never forgotten. It was absolute amazement and I suspect almost a little terror, as her eyes nearly seemed to pop out. She had obviously never seen an erect penis before and she could not seem to take her eyes off it. Having got that far, I asked her young friend to open his trousers so she was able to see his immature penis, which was quite flaccid. I reached over and gently started to rub it and made grow a little larger. I explained that it was smaller and only grew a little bit because he was a lot younger than I was. I then asked her to remove her panties but she suddenly went shy and didn't want to. I started to gently cajole her, saying "it was not very fair as we had both showed her our penises but she would not show us her slit". After about 15 minutes of careful persuasion, she finally agreed to the flip of a coin. Heads - she would do it and tails - we would leave. I had suggested this as a last resort and promised to abide by what happened. . With much trepidation I flipped the coin and can I remember that I was shaking so much that I dropped it and had to try again. To my enormous relief it came up heads, but even after this she was still very reluctant, so I tried to think of a way to make it easier for her. I suggested that she remove her panties but leave her dress down so we could see nothing until she was ready. She was very hesitant but in the end did so and pulled her panties completely off while keeping her dress covering her genitals. Once we got that far, I suggested that she lift her dress up and down very quickly. She did this once, and we had a tantalizing glimpse of her pretty young genitals. I said, "it was easy wasn't it" and praised her. With a little more prompting, she was persuaded her to do it again and again, each time holding her dress up a little longer. After a few minutes of this, she held her dress fully up for us to both to look. Wanting to go further, I said, "She was kneeling so we were unable to see her slit properly". (The word 'Pussy' had not entered our vocabulary at that stage). As I had a long overcoat with me, I suggested that she lie down on that so we could look at her better. I placed the coat on the ground and, with a little encouragement; she lay down and parted her legs. I suspect she thought we were just going to look, but I immediately reached out, pulled her knees aChapter and touched her slit. This made her start and she immediately sat up and closed her legs. I persuaded her that I was not going to hurt her and eventually she relented and lay down again, and after a few minutes of very gentle fondling, seemed to quite enjoy the sensations and spread her legs even further to allow better access. I asked the younger boy if he wanted to touch her but he said that he would just watch so my delightful game went on for about 15 or 20 minutes. By then I was getting very uncomfortable so I mentioned that I could make some "white stuff" come out of my penis and "did they want to see this happen". They both seemed interested and I masturbated into my hand. By this stage I was aware that I could get girls pregnant, and as the intense sexual urges had now subsided, I suggested that we should stop and leave. Surprisingly she said she did not want to, and asked me to tickle her genitals again. I was not prepared to risk touching her in case I still had semen in my fingers, so I suggested that we meet again the following week, to which she agreed. We dressed and after making sure no cars were coming, I helped them out of the ditch and we left and made our own way home. On the way back, I realized that I did not even know her name The following Saturday I was full of excitement and rode to that park as soon as I could get away from my chores. After looking for about 40 minutes, and thinking she was not coming, I found her walking with a pram. To this day I can still remember my incredibly intense feelings of disappointment. She told me that she was babysitting her new sister and her mother had told her to take her baby sister for a walk in the park. All we were able to do was to sit on the original picnic seat to talk and with her agreement, I was able to put my hand under her dress and briefly touch her genitals through her panties. She said she had to return home and after she had gone I realized that I still didn't know her name and despite searching the park all summer, I never saw her again. I often wondered where she is now. Part 2 to follow