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Article 20 of 31
Subject: Mrs. T's Story (rape, nc m,f)
From: The.victim@pain.com
Date: 1996/11/30
Message-Id: <32a09121.1696907@news.airmail.net>
Organization: INTERNET AMERICA
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
Mrs. T's story
I believe that our parents are our first "higher powers," we depend on
them for our
spiritual needs as well as our physical. They were omnipotent and
everything to us,
where we learned about living day to day, about love and interaction
with human
beings. When a parent chooses to rape their child, they kill that
child's soul, teach that
child shame, dishonesty, terror, doubt, distrust. For a care giver to
rape a child it steals
away not only virginity, but trust, faith, hope, and innocence. These
are things no
amount of money, or time in jail can repay. Once a child has been
violated, it is up to
the child to seek out the good to get past the terror to find never
innocence again, but
hopefully contentment and serenity. I have these beliefs because I was
a child rape
victim. Society calls my case "incest." To me it is rape, incest or
child molestation are
too nice of words for what was done to me. My father started raping me
when I was
eight. He continued to rape me on a regular basis until I was
thirteen, and then only
stopped I believe because I told him he better not ever do that to my
little sister, who
was turning eight then. He never physically forced me, at eight he
was my "God". I
believed then and till I was twenty six that he loved me and cared for
me. My father
was one of the two men I truly respected in this world for a long
time, I even named my
first born child after him. When I was a child he could do no wrong.
When I would lay in
bed at night terrified of the door opening up and him coming to take
me in his room I
would never blame him. The guilt fell on me, the shame fell on me an
eight year old
little girl with no one to turn to, no one to trust. My mother had
recently left, actually my
father was divorcing her because she was a chronic raging alcoholic. I
believed then
and now that her being gone was for the better. Even if she had stayed
she was
incapable of taking care of us children, and would not have been able
to deal with
incest. The incest runs in my fathers family. His own father would
come into the
bedroom that he and his siblings shared, (one bed for six children, my
father had ten
brothers and sisters) and rape his sisters in the same bed with all
the other children still
there. My grandfather was arrested for child molestation, and my
grandma divorced
him. I remember when I was about three, and sitting on my grandpas lap
and feeling
very uncomfortable. He used to always buy us little granddaughters
gifts, and take us
out on special trips....funny thing my own father would treat me
special too, except for
the fact that he raped me for five years he seemed a very wonderful,
caring, patient
father. After my father beat my spirit down, I was available for two
uncles to rape me,
molest me. I had sex with my brothers, my cousins, and a few other
boys in their circle
of friends by the time I was ten. One of my perpetrator Uncles now
lives in Alaska, he
moved up here in December just in time for the Sex Registration Law,
right out of jail for
molesting some of his latest daughters friends in another state. One
of his ex-wives
took him in. An ex-wife who's own daughter was raped by this man
twenty years ago,
yes he went to jail then. I believe that this particular uncle has
raped hundreds of
children. He raped and molested almost every child that has spent any
time around
him, including myself, my sister, one of my brothers, a female cousin,
a male cousin,
etc. etc. He has been raping and molesting children for over 40 years
now. He's had
two jail sentences twenty years apart for molesting children, I know
he has not stopped
in-between sentences, and I don't think he's done violating children.
In fact he believes
that he has done no wrong, he believes that it is society that makes
having sex with
children bad. He is now somebody's neighbor here in the last great
state. Back to my
story....when I turned thirteen and my father stopped raping me I had
the opportunity to
come stay with my mom in Alaska. She had quit drinking for a couple of
weeks and was
pretty shaky. Things got pretty bad with her, she started drinking
again, and I opted to
move back to my fathers, at least I was used to his abuse, why learn
anything new?
Back in the states with my father I had lost total hope and faith in
both my parents.
Looking back I believe I had three options 1)commit suicide 2)
insanity 3) turn to drugs
and alcohol. Thankfully I chose number 3. With this one I had a chance
of recovery. I
drank and drugged for thirteen years, and in all that time I never
once thought that what
my father had done to me effected any part of my life! When I finally
ended up in the
hospital from my addictions, I tried a recovery center. It was in this
center that it hit me
like a ton of bricks the shame, guilt, self hatred, and terror I'd
been carrying around with
me all these years belonged to my father the rapist. It finally hit me
that I could hate him
and what he'd done. That was the terribly painful beginning of my
incest recovery as
well as my drug and alcohol recovery. I now have been clean and sober
for almost
seven years. I went through five years of therapy for incest. I have
to say that the most
painful experience I have had in all my recovery has been dealing with
the incest
issues, there was a time I wanted to die, for a long time I'd rather
been crazy than see
the truth in what my father did, (my father admitted that my memories
were correct, he
said "what we had done" was wrong, I say "what he had done was
wrong"). I have
chosen not to have any contact with the man who raped me, I have not
spoken to my
father since I got clean and sober. With the help of my therapist, one
understanding
relative, a wonderful sponsor, friends, my husbands support, and
praying every day for
God to give me the "strength and fearlessness" I needed for that day I
made it through
the pain. I have lived in Alaska for fifteen years now. This is where
I have recovered the
trauma of being a child sexual abuse victim. This is where I found a
caring God "of my
understanding" who is not my father, myself, or my husband. I am no
longer a victim, or
a volunteer of abuse today. I am no longer full of shame and self
doubt, self pity, self
hating, guilt, terror. I take responsibility for my own actions, not
the actions of others
today. I have a loving, honest relationship with my husband of 9
years. I have a chance
at raising my children to be productive responsible, happy people
today. I am now a
child sexual abuse survivor and can use my experience, strength and
hope to help
others today. I have hope today, faith today, contentment and serenity
today.
Mrs. C's story, a concerned citizen I know all of them. They were a
part of my life in
the small and closely knit community that was Kenai. They are a part
of my past and
the memories I have of growing up in south central Alaska. One of them
married a
childhood friend, one of them is her brother, another her cousin. One
of them was a
child when I left and grew to maturity while I was away. Others are
not related to one
another by blood but are considered family members none the less. What
they share,
what they have in common is that each of them is a child molester. The
one that
married my friend has molested his daughters and is now molesting his
grand-daughters. Her brother, a highly respected member of the
community, who
commands the ears of state politicians is now, and has been, violating
young females
that are a part of his family, natural and extended. The one that had
been only a child
when I left raped his daughter, who finding herself pregnant with her
father's child,
committed suicide. A friend of mine who is an incest survivor has
attempted to answer
some of my overwhelming questions. Where are the mothers and
grandmothers, why
do they allow this to happen? More often, she explained, they also
have been abused
as children and are physically unable to alter anything. They still
are victims of their
own trauma. What becomes of these little girls as they become young
women, what
price do they pay. Without exception they suffer a low self esteem.
That in itself creates
significant problems. A few of them being, substance abuse,
promiscuity, failed
relationships and poor parenting. At some point, some of them are able
to channel their
anger into a positive energy that aids them in the healing process.
What kind of man
violates his own children and, later, his children's children. What
sickness could create
such a monster. They are men who are weak. Men unable to sustain
successful adult
relationships, sexual or emotional. They love the power that
accompanies their
loathsome acts, the power they assume in their own minds when they
rape the
helpless. Men who feel no shame in taking a child's innocence and
destroying their
trust. Men that are so degenerate they see sex with children as a
given right.
In the process of attempting to obtain information regarding how the
legal and justice
systems handles these matters, a case was found that I hadn't known
existed. This man
was charged with sexual assault of a minor in the 2nd degree. He
plea-bargained to 4th
degree. For molesting a 4 year old child, he served 2 days in the
local jail with a
warning not to commit the same kind of acts for 18 months. If the
system will not protect
the children, who will. Let me introduce you to a few of these men,
though I cannot
reveal their identities, we'll assign names to them. I would like
nothing better than to
use their actual names, it is because of the secrecy of this cancer
that they can
continue without fearing accountability. I believe the all should be
aware of their
offenses and should realize the terrible acts that have committed in
the past and are
continuing in the present. These men should be ostracized, they should
be exposed.
Perhaps, soon that will be done. I look forward to the day when their
crimes are
recognized and punishment is meted out. (If there is a punishment
great enough for
what they have done.) The first will be known as John, he was nearly
20 years older
than the young woman he married in the late 1950's. They had 5
children, 3 of whom
were daughters. When he began assaulting the girls I don't know,
however, those in
the community that are aware say they were little more than infants.
So base is this
pedophile that when his daughter's little girls were born, they became
his new prey.
One daughter moved to Washington state to spare her children, only for
her father to
travel to her to continue his perverseness in another location.
Scarcely any young girl
that had the misfortune to be in his household was spared, his
depraved mind claiming
victim after victim incorporating two full generations and, unless
stopped, will add
another. This is one man that I want to confront with the damage that
he has done. I
want to stop him and I don't know how. The second one we'll call Ron.
He is a mover
and shaker, locally and in the state. He walks with men of power and
rapes children.
Like John, Ron's actions are common knowledge in the native community
and is, also,
as difficult to stop. It is with the tacit approval of those that know
that he continues to
ravish the young and vulnerable. The last one at this writing will be
Joe, he was only a
little boy when I last saw him. His growth to manhood was twisted,
warped beyond
comprehension. His daughters were raped whenever he chose, they were
there for his
enjoyment. When the youngest could take it no longer, she went out in
the woods and
put a gun to her head. This happened 6 years ago and this man is now
back in the
community and, in his arrogance seeks political office. He suffers no
shame or sense of
remorse, amazingly, thinks he should have the respect and admiration
of the
community. In a recent conversation, one of my family members referred
to Joe as an
animal. How absurd! What animal would desecrate their own young, none
but man.
How have these men been allowed to destroy one child after another, to
create an
anguish that will never set their victims free. What society has
permitted these fiends to
continue in their depravity. It is us, you and me, we are the ones
that must make these
men liable for what they have done and what they continue to do. By
our knowing and
letting it occur, we are guilty, at best, of negligence, at worse, of
complicity. How
constructive can anger be if it isn't directed in a way that creates a
safe environment for
children. For every child deserves to be secure, to live without fear,
especially in their
own homes.
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