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This is the Super Hero Archive. These stories were sent to me by
friends. I did not write these stories.
Many have no author name attached. If you are the author of the
enclosed work please let me know and I’ll remedy the situation.
This story, and all the stories in this archive are meant to be
free. They where sent freely and should remain public domain.
BATNET
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
This is the city--Gotham City. Over 10 million people live
here and the number rises each day, although Gotham's
location remains a mystery to outsiders. Another mystery is
the city's weather. No matter what, Gotham City always
enjoys perfect weather--sunny, 76 degrees. It never rains
here, yet we have no water shortage.
Another perplexing aspect is found in Robin and myself. We
are the protectors of this fair city. Through our relentless
crime-fighting, we keep the streets safe, so people can walk,
drive, work and play in peace. When someone turns to
crime for peace, that's where I come in. I carry a Utility Belt.
It was Monday, June 22, 9:34 A.M. in Gotham City. We
were working the day watch out of the Batcave. The boss is
Commissioner Gordon, my partner is Robin, the Boy
Wonder. I'm Batman. We were upgrading the memory on
the Batcomputer when the call came.
The Batphone began beeping. I answered it at once. "Yes,
Commissioner?" I asked.
"Batman, drugs have infiltrated our fair city," Commissioner
Gordon told me. "In the past few days, nearly one hundred
minors have been sold capsules of LSD and been indulging
in acid trips."
"We'll be right there, Commissioner." I hung up the
Batphone and turned to Robin. "Robin, the war on drugs has
hit home."
"Holy Hallucinogens!" Robin exclaimed.
"To the Batmobile!"
THE STORY YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS
TRUE.
THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO
PROTECT THE INNOCENT.
I drove the Batmobile to the Police Headquarters building in
downtown Gotham City. From there, it was a thirteen
floor elevator ride to the Commissioner's office.
10:02 A.M. The Commissioner and Chief O'Hara were
seated across the table from a boy under the influence of
LSD as Robin and I walked in. Commissioner Gordon
informed us that the youth had waived his rights and agreed
to be questioned without the presence of an attorney. We
sat down at the Commissioner's imitation-oak table, across
from the juvenile offender.
"Woah! I'm hallucinating!" the boy exclaimed. "It's another
man with a mask!"
"It's no hallucination, son. I'm Batman. And what's your
name?"
"I'm Moonbeam, a flickering flame from outer space flying
through the galaxy."
"Holy Space Shuttles!" Robin exclaimed.
"The paths have changed. I'm now a ship sailing through the
depths of the ocean," the boy said dreamily.
"Holy Disorientation!" Robin added.
10:04 A.M. Barbara Gordon, the Police Commissioner's
daughter, walked into the office. I'll admit she's beautiful, but
the only woman for me is Batgirl.
The drugged boy quickly ducked under the table in terror as
Miss Gordon approached him. "A 747 has veered off course
and it's heading this way. I must avert disaster!"
"What did you call me?!" Barbara demanded, her hands on
her hips.
"Don't listen to him, Barbara," Commissioner Gordon said.
"He's having an alcoholic delusion brought on by the use of
LSD."
"Oh, that stuff's just awful," Barbara commented. "When will
those kids learn that drugs are bad?"
10:05 A.M. Something about the way Miss Gordon talked
turned me on. Strangely, it reminded me of Batgirl. The boy
pulled his head up from under the table. Apparently, he was
slowly drawing closer to reality.
I decided to proceed with the interrogation. "Moonbeam,
who sold you the acid?"
"I don't know," Moonbeam said. "Whoever it was wore a
mask that covered the upper half of his face." In his drugged
state, he looked up at me, noticing my cowl. He took a long
look at me. "It was you!" he exclaimed, pointing at me.
Everyone stared at me in surprise.
"Moonbeam, I have spent a good part of my crime-fighting
career on the war against drugs. And to be accused by a
ruffian like you of being a trafficker is a slap in the face!" I
turned to the Commissioner. "You may rest assured,
Commissioner, that I will find the person or persons selling
drugs to the youth of this city and prosecute to the fullest
extent of the law. For it is the same law that protects
innocent children that incarcerates the guilty."
"Whatever," Commissioner Gordon replied.
I showed him the back of my glove.
The boy was taken to a holding cell downstairs. I asked
Commissioner Gordon for a report of current arch-criminals
at large. 10:24...
"Batman, I just received the report," Commissioner Gordon
informed me. "Get ready for this: Joker, Riddler and
Catwoman
are all at large!"
"That gives us something to go on," I responded. "Can you
give me their current addresses."
"Joker has opened a novelty company on 157 Wilson Road.
Riddler works in a fortune cookie factory on 634 Capitol
Street
and Catwoman is employed at a day care center at 7612
Angora Lane," the Commissioner reported.
"We'd better check out these leads fast. Commissioner, we'll
be in touch. Let's go, Robin!" We raced out of the office.
Barbara decided to follow up on the leads as well, in her
guise as Batgirl, feminine scourge of crime. She quickly
made up an
excuse in order to get out of the office. "I have to get back to
the library, daddy."
"Of course, Barbara. And, if you should happen to see
Batgirl, give her my regards, will you?" Commissioner
Gordon said with a wink.
Barbara looked back at him strangely. Was it possible that
Commissioner Gordon had deduced his daughter's secret
identity? Or was it an older man-younger woman crush? Or
maybe just a weird coincidence? We'll never know for sure.
11:18 A.M. We pulled up in front of the Gotham City Novelty
Company, owned by the villanous Joker, just as Batgirl
drove up on her Batgirlcycle. In all my years as a crime-
fighter, I had never known a more beautiful sight. The long,
silky red hair, the sumptious purple Batoutfit... If I could only
tell her.
"What have you found out so far?" Batgirl asked.
"Nothing yet. We were about to go check out Joker's novelty
store for clues."
"As long as we're investigating, let's investigate together,"
Batgirl responded.
Inside, Joker stood behind the counter. In the store, there
were several hundred different novelty items. Whoopi
cushions, fake vomit, you name it, it was there.
"Batman, so nice to see you again," Joker greeted me. "How
long has it been?"
"Never, you pervert!" I exclaimed, defending my honor in
front of Batgirl. I don't usually yell, but under those
circumstances I felt the need to protect my reputation.
"Why exactly are you here?" Joker asked me.
"We want to talk to you," I told him.
"By all means." Joker pointed to some chairs.
Robin, Batgirl and I sat down in the chairs. As they did,
several whoopie cushions deflated beneath them, making a
loud flatulence noise.
Joker held his nose. "Too many beans for lunch, Batman?"
He laughed at his joke.
"That's not a bit funny!" I exclaimed.
"It may not be funny, but it sure does smell!" Joker added.
"Joker, you've turned over a new leaf, right?" I asked.
"Right, I've reformed. There's much more excitement in the
novelty business." Joker looked away from me, turning his
attention to something under Batgirl's chair. "A little
accident, Batgirl?"
We all looked under Batgirl's chair. Under the chair was a
pile of fake excrement.
"Holy S*%&!" Robin exclaimed.
"Robin!" I yelled. I can assure you he didn't learn that kind of
language from me! Joker began laughing loudly.
"Joker, you're despicable!" Batgirl yelled.
"See, I told you there was more excitement in the novelty
business," Joker said.
"Joker, I'm serious," I responded. "Someone's been selling
narcotics to the minors of Gotham City, Hallucinogens: Just
the type of jolly drug you'd endorse. If I find out it's you
selling the drugs, I'm going to bust you and bust you hard!
You'd better keep your nose clean, Joker, or mark my
words, you'll be locked up for the rest of your worthless life!"
Joker pulled a long, rubber booger out of his nose. He held it
up for everyone to see. "I don't know about keeping my
nose clean, but I've gone straight!" He threw the booger at
me and stood up. "Now, unless you're here to buy some gag
item, I strongly suggest you leave! I don't take kindly to your
accusations and vague threats!"
11:48 A.M. We arrived outside the Gotham City Fortune
Cookie Factory in which the Riddler was employed. Riddler's
parole officer told us he planned to go straight and was
making a living writing fortune cookie messages. It sounded
like a broken record. Surely, every arch-criminal in Gotham
City didn't plan to go straight!
We entered the Gotham City Fortune Cookie Company and
were directed to the office of the Riddler. We were
surprised to see he was not wearing his usual green
costume with question marks, but rather a tailored suit
jacket and
matching tie.
"Please, Batman, call me Robert," Riddler insisted.
"Robert?" Robin, Batgirl, and I all asked.
"It's my real name," Riddler explained. "Since I've gone
straight, I've decided to give up the alias of 'The Riddler' and
use my given name: Robert E. Nigma."
"Bob, we're investigating a case where a certain individual
has been selling illegal drugs to minors," I began. "And
you're one of our suspects."
"Nonsense," Riddler insisted. "I've been writing fortune
cookie messages. I came up with a good proverb just today.
'He who goes to bed with full bladder wakes up in
waterbed.'"
"Very apt," Robin replied.
"Come off it, Riddler," I exclaimed. "You expect me to
believe an evil genius like you would be content to make the
meager salary of a fortune cookie writer?"
"I've reformed. I realize that crime doesn't pay. I've paid my
debt to society and become a useful citizen."
"I'd hardly call writing fortunes useful," I remarked. "Come
on, Nigma, we're going downtown!"
"On what charge?" Riddler asked.
"Obscene fortune cookies," I responded.
12:07 P.M. We booked Riddler on Gotham Penal Code 167-
B, which is punishable by 5 minutes imprisonment and a
$2.50 fine.
12:11 P.M. We went upstairs to Commissioner Gordon's
office and prepare to question another youth who had
purchased acid. "Who sold you the stuff?" I asked.
"Far out, man. I'm being questioned by a big, blue butterfly!"
he exclaimed.
I turned to the others. "This looks like the work of the Joker."
Batgirl walked over to the boy. "What did the person look
like?"
"I don't know. He had a mask on... and a wool hat over the
mask."
"What type of build?" Batgirl asked.
"Build?"
"What did the body look like?" I further spelled out.
"Whoever it was had a hot bod," the boy replied.
"Curvaceous, voluptuous..."
12:14 P.M. I slipped into a trance, being reminded of Batgirl.
If only we could go out sometime... but my crime-fighting
kept me so busy. Still, there was Robin to think about.
There's no time for a serious romance until he--and Aunt
Harriet--move out.
"...right, Batman?" Robin concluded.
"What?" I asked, slipping out of my trance.
"I said, 'From this boy's description of the criminal's body,
curvaceous and voluptuous, it could only be the Penguin,'"
Robin repeated.
"I was thinking more along the lines of a female," Batgirl
added.
"One other thing," the boy continued. "The person who sold
me the drugs, when I gave her the money, she meowed like
a cat."
"That settles it!" I exclaimed. "We now know who our
suspect is... and we'd better pay her and her day care center
a little visit."
12:32 P.M. We arrived at the Gotham City Day Care Center
where Catwoman--Selina Kyle--worked. We walked in
right at nap-time.
"Alright, kids, it's nap time. Go lie down on your cots and
catch a cat-nap," she told the children.
"Afternoon, Catwoman," I said.
Catwoman turned around. Somehow, she didn't seem too
surprised to see us. "Catwoman no longer, Batman. I'm
Selina Kyle again. I've gone straight and devoted my life to
taking care of children. I've finally discovered my maternal
instinct."
"If you have such a strong maternal instinct, why don't you
just have a kid?" Robin asked.
"I wouldn't want to ruin my beautiful figure," Catwoman
replied.
"Ha!" Batgirl exclaimed, rolling her eyes.
"Catwoman... Selina, believe me, you're doing the men of
Gotham City a great justice by not ruining that figure," I told
her in all honesty.
"There's another reason, too. There's only one man in
Gotham City I want to father my baby," she added, looking
straight at me.
12:35 P.M. Do I sense a love-triangle developing here
between Batgirl, me and Catwoman?
"Unfortunately, The Joker's not ready for the responsibility of
fatherhood just yet," Catwoman said.
12:35 P.M. Scratch that last thought.
"Batman, why exactly are you here?" Catwoman asked.
"We're investigating a series of drug sales to children," I told
her.
"Someone sold drugs to one of these innocent children?!"
Catwoman exclaimed.
"You don't understand, Catwoman. Judging by your past
criminal record--" I began.
"Surely you don't suspect me?!" Catwoman yelled.
"Actually, you're our prime suspect," Batgirl said with a smug
smile.
"Me? But I've been working with these children since my
parole. I've gone straight," Catwoman insisted. "Besides, I
was nowhere near Market Street yesterday afternoon at
exactly 2:40."
Robin and I exchanged glances. 12:36 P.M. I was positive
Catwoman was the guilty party. Still, we would have to
catch her in the act of selling or manufacturing said drugs
for the testimony to really stick.
"We believe you, Catwoman," I replied. Unseen by
Catwoman, I slipped a small bug onto the underside of a
table. "Alright, let's go. We still have to check out the Joker."
Catwoman smiled as we walked out of the building.
"But, Batman, we know it's Catwoman!" Robin protested
once we were outside. "Why walk away?"
"Robin, in order for a case to stand up in court, we must
apprehend Catwoman in the act of selling or making the
illegal drugs," I explained. "I left a mini-Batbug in that day
care center. If we listen in, we just might learn the time and
place of Catwoman's next transaction."
Back inside the day care center, Catwoman awakened the
children. "Alright, kids, nap-time's over. It's time to play a
fun little game I like to call Illegal Pharmacy."
"Not Illegal Pharmacy again," one of the children protested.
"We play that game every day! Can't we play Hide and Seek
for once?"
"After we play Illegal Pharmacy, we'll play Hide and Seek, I
promise," Catwoman lied. "Now, the empty capsules are in
that box and the powder's in the other boxes."
She's got to be kidding!" Batgirl exclaimed. "Making the kids
put the drugs together!"
"I wish she were kidding," I replied. "Those kids have no
idea what they're aiding and abetting. They think it's a game
and, best of all, Catwoman gets free labor from the
children."
As we made our way around the outside of the daycare
center looking for a back entrance, Catwoman walked back
and forth, overseeing the children's progress. "Good job,
Billy. Just a little bit more heroin in each capsule would be
purr-fect!"
"Freeze! Duly deputized officers of the law!" I announced.
"Batman!" all the children exclaimed.
"Hello, kids," I replied.
"Batman, after we're done playing Illegal Pharmacy, we get
to play Hide and Seek. Would you play with us?" a child
asked me.
"I'm afraid I have another game in mind," I said. "It's called
Arrest the Felon."
"You mean Miss Selina is going to jail?" one of the kids
asked.
"That's right," Batgirl replied.
"No! Miss Selina is our friend!" they exclaimed.
All the kids grabbed onto our legs while "Miss Selina" ran
out the back door. By that time, I had pulled free from the
kids and ran out the back door after Catwoman. Outside,
Catwoman was in her Catillac, searching frantically for the
keys. "One of those brats took my keys!" she exclaimed.
I opened the passenger door and sat down beside
Catwoman. "It was a dastardly plot. Don't you know drugs
ruin the lives of thousands in this country every year?
There's nothing worse than selling illegal drugs to minors,
promising them a 'Hip Trip.'"
"Any way to make money..." she said absently. "There's
nothing wrong with drugs anyway. They're just another
harmless substance on the way to legalization!"
"That's a lie!" I yelled. "There's nothing harmless about LSD.
Besides its temporary disorientating effects, one use of LSD
can haunt you for the rest of your life. You'll never be able to
distinguish reality from fantasy, truth from fiction. LSD isn't
an addictive drug, but most people don't stop there. They go
one to heroin, cocaine, crack, the big-league killers. You
may have started a hundred kids on that same fatal road in
the past few days."
"Forget the guilt trip, just arrest me!" Catwoman replied. "But
hear this: Gotham State Penitentiary is overcrowded. I'll be
out of jail and onto a new crime spree before you can bat an
eye."
"I realize that, Catwoman," I replied grimly. "I also think it's
sad that you don't realize the error of your ways and become
a useful citizen, rather than just another criminal."
"I am useful," Catwoman said. "You should realize the error
of your ways and become a criminal."
"Never," I responded. "When I was 8 years old, my parents
were brutally murdered by ruthless criminals. Since then,
I've devoted my life to avenging their senseless death and
fighting crime in Gotham City."
"You've been at it so long, why not just quit, hang up that
cape and cowl?" Catwoman asked.
"This city needs me. For some reason, it attracts the worst
criminals in the world, all bent on controlling Gotham.
Without me, this city would've gone to heck--if you'll pardon
the language--a long time ago. It's for the satisfaction of
doing some right in the world, protecting the good citizens of
Gotham and bringing criminals to justice," I explained. "So
why did you become a criminal?"
"Money."
I stared at her in disgust. "I'll never understand it!"
THE STORY YOU JUST READ IS TRUE.
THE NAMES WERE CHANGED TO PROTECT
THE INNOCENT.
ON JULY 9th, A TRIAL WAS HELD IN DEPARTMENT R-
16, IN AND FOR THE CITY OF GOTHAM. THE
SUSPECT WAS FOUND GUILTY OF 93 COUNTS OF
198-S, THE SELLING OF ILLEGAL DRUGS TO
MINORS, WHICH IS PUNISHABLE BY NOT MORE THAN
186 YEARS IMPRISONMENT AND NOT LESS
THAN 46 1/2 YEARS IMPRISONMENT; AND 93
COUNTS OF 196-B, THE MANUFACTURING OF
ILLEGAL DRUGS, WHICH IS PUNISHABLE BY NOT
MORE THAN 93 YEARS IMPRISONMENT AND
NOT LESS THAN 23 1/4 YEARS IMPRISONMENT, WHICH
IS A TOTAL OF NOT MORE THAN 279 YEARS
IMPRISONMENT AND NOT LESS THAN 69 YEARS,
8 MONTHS IMPRISONMENT.
HOWEVER, SINCE THE SUSPECT WAS GOING TO
GOTHAM STATE PENITENTIARY, WHICH IS
OVERCROWDED AND SUBJECT TO WARDEN
CRICHTON'S ADVANCED THEORIES OF PENALOGY,
SHE WAS OUT OF PRISON AND WALKING THE
STREETS AGAIN WITHIN A FEW WEEKS.