____________________________ | | /)| KRISTEN'S BOOKSHELF |(\ / )| DIRECTORIES |( \ __( (|____________________________|) )__ ((( \ \ > /_) ( \ < / / ))) (\\\ \ \_/ / \ \_/ / ///) \ / \ / \ _/ \_ / / / \ \ o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o The Bookshelf Directories offer a very wide variety of stories. o o They have been submitted by people from all over the world. Also o o from alt.sex.stories (Newsgroups). There is no particular order o o other than offering them to you in alphabetical directories. o o o o All works are copyrighted to the author and may not be used for o o profit without obtaining the author's permission in advance. o o o o Lest we forget!!! This story was produced as adult entertainment o o and should not be read by minors. o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o Star Whores (MF, aliens, orgy) STAR WHORES or LAST TANGO ON TATOOINE by Jefferson Morris (c) 1994 *** C3PO stepped out the oil bath slowly, savoring the feeling of his newly-lubricated servomotors and gears sliding sensuously in place. Ignoring the towel offered to him by R2 (who carefully averted his baleful blue eye), 3PO stepped demurely over to Luke. "Luke." "Call me Master, bitch." "I see, Sir Luke." Luke slapped 3PO sharply. "What do I look like, a Jedi knight? Come on." 3PO gently reached down with one glistening gold hand, caressing the bulge beneath Luke's sand-worn utility belt. He smoothed Luke's khaki pants, then moved his hand up to a small device hanging on the belt. "Would you like to restrain me, Master?" Luke gripped the restraining bolt activator tightly, extricating it from 3PO's grasp. "What about the condensers on the North Ridge, Master?" "Fuck 'em." Luke gently flicked the switch. With a metallic shudder, barely perceptible in the waning light of the twin sunset, 3PO was immobilized. Luke waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Are your speech centers still activated?" "Yes, Master." "I want it in Bocce." "Suuejik gelia iksta moom." (I'm hot and ready) "You like it with humans, don't you, whoredroid?" "Suuejik huis napra refilia." (I fuckin' love it) Luke dropped to one knee, his eyes fixed on 3PO's gleaming groin. He licked it brusquely, leaving a filmy swath of saliva over its glistening sheen, obscuring the reflection of his own flushed visage. He pried 3PO's codpiece loose and began chanting rhythmically, breathlessly. "I'm gonna get a dianoga, and I'm gonna have the dianoga fuck you. And the dianoga's gonna vomit in your face, and I want you to swallow the vomit. You gonna do that for me?" "Woon." (Yes) 3PO tingled at the thought of the dianoga's long, slimy tentacles wrapping themselves around him, its red, bulging penis (often mistaken for an eye on a stalk) forcing itself into his warm metallic confines. "I want the dianoga to die while you're fucking him. Then I want you to go behind and smell the dying farts of a dianoga. You gonna do all that for me?" "Woon, iksta baga lampeel. Baga lampeel!" (Yes, and more than that. And more!) Luke gripped his modestly-sized penis. As soft and shapeless as a dead mynock. He snorted. "I'm not hard yet, whoredroid. Tell me a story. Something dirty that'll get me going." "I'm sorry sir, I'm really just an interpreter, and not very good at telling dirty stories." Luke looked up at him, his eyes shining. "You know what I did to my last protocol droid?" "No, master." "Disintegrated his ass. Improvise, whoredroid." 3PO's circuits began blazing, trying to come up with something. He began shaking with the effort. "Well master, uh...a long time ago..." "Yeah?" Luke began masturbating listlessly. "On a planet...really far away..." "Go on, whore." "There was this new hope for, uh...Actually it was a dark time for the...Rebellious Fighters." "Which was it?" "Well it was a dark time...but there was also a new hope. The Rebellious Fighters had just...stolen the blueprints for a space station built by the...the evil Galaxy Federation." Luke dropped his flaccid penis. "You're right, you can't tell stories for shit. Well, you had your chance." Luke wearily got to his feet. "Viilesa japsta womoni pustell iks bambam." (Master, I am fluent in over 6 million forms of fellatio) "Save it for the Spice Mines of Kessel. Or maybe I'll just blast you into...who-the-fuck-knows-what." Luke unhooked his blaster from his belt, and put it on its highest setting. 3PO began trembling. "Viilesa, gradoo!" (Master, wait!) "Now what the fuck?" "R2 is projecting some kind of message." "Yeah, right." "The message appears to be important. A young lady." "Is she hot?" 3PO shrugged. "Nothing to shout about." "Shut the fuck up, then. Fucking protocol bullshit. I told Uncle Asshole I didn't want another babbling protocol 'bot. But whatever Luke wants, he has to do the opposite. Sometimes I wish some Imperials would burn his wrinkled ass down with a blaster on low. Set me free from this shithole. I'd lick their boots clean." "Human-cyborg relations, huh kid?" The familiar voice startled Luke. He whipped his head around. A dark figure stood in the corner of the bay, leaning insouciantly on Luke's T-16. Slowly, he stepped out of the shadows. "Good with droids is one thing. Good with the living. That's something else." Solo's disarming, lopsided grin spread over his handsome face. Luke's heart sped up a beat. "Feel like partying, Solo?" "Kid, I been from one end of the galaxy to the other, I've seen some pretty strange stuff, but..." "Save it, Han. Smuggle anything in your ass lately?" "Try smuggling this, kid. Beru said it was a treasure more precious than stolen data tapes." Han pulled his perfectly circumcised cock out from behind his zipper. It glistened with pre-ejaculate, the urethra hanging slightly open like an expectant mouth. It reminded Luke of the new vaporator he had installed on the South Ridge last week, protruding from the landscape and hungrily sucking moisture from the parched Tatooine air. "What a piece of junk." "It's the dick that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs. It may not look like much, but it's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a few special modifications myself." "Tired of Wookies, huh?" "You should talk, puttin' the moves on Goldenrod. Next you'll be programming binary load lifters and shaking down jawas for landspeeder rides. I shudder." "You think I dig mechanicals? I was just about to burn this metal prickteaser down." Han pulled his own blaster from its holster. "I could help you with that." He flipped the safety off. 3PO's eyes widened... The blasts illuminated the bay like a flashbulb. 3PO's limbs scattered in all directions. A whiff of ozone settled over the room. Luke and Han put away their guns. "What are you gonna tell your uncle?" "I don't know. I'll tell him it had a bad motivator. Won't be the first time." "Beru tells me your uncle has a bit of a bad motivator himself." "Yeah, she gets the itch bad. Put the moves on me once." "No shit, kid. How was she?" "Dry as the South Ridge. We almost caught fire. The low point of my otherwise shitty life. Why do you think I'm hustling droids?" Han slapped his thigh. "Today's your lucky day, kid. You ever make it with a Corellian?" "Can't remember." "What are you waiting for, a writ from the Emperor?" Luke strode over and gripped Han's shaft, which seemed to squirm in his hand like an exotic fish. It swelled with blood, as if it was taking a breath. "You're hung like a ewok, for Christ's sake. The Sarlacc wouldn't swallow this." Han smirked. "You've sucked off so many Womp Rats, you don't know a real dick when you see it. I've made Tauntauns blush." "No wonder they call you 'Hand Solo.' I've got a bad feeling about this." Luke held Han's cock between thumb and forefinger, examining it clinically. "What did you expect, an ion cannon? If you can't make it to hyperspace it won't be my fault, kid. You've been stretched by every Snaggletooth and Stormtrooper in the sector. Show me one toy in this bay that wasn't bought with some lonely Imperial fruit's per diem, and I'll eat a bowl of Wampa shit. They've got your biography up in the cantina bathroom. You should read it sometime." "I wrote some of it." "Is it true you can ride a Bantha through your ass?" "On a warm day." "On this dust ball? You got any Banthas around?" "I'm off Banthas. Krayt dragons are my kick now." "Then don't blame me. Use the Force. Either that or hit the bricks and open up a leather bar in the Jundland Wastes." Luke began working Han's cock in his hand, kneading it like dough. Han closed his eyes. "How's Biggs?" Han's voice was barely a whisper. "Big as ever. He's still working drunk Tuskan Raiders on weekends. Saving up for the Academy." "And that old Jap fossil you used to hang with? Oki-Ben Whatshisname?" "That wizard's just a horny old man. Stumbles through Mos Eisley babbling about the Clone Wars and showing minors his 'lightsaber.' Needs the Force to get it up. Then he feeds 'em a line of shit about how their fathers were Jedis, and how they were offed by 'a pupil of mine, before he turned to evil, blah blah blah.' Can you believe he still catches people with that shit?" "So you got the fuck out?" "Fuck yeah. Split when I found him with Greedo's cock mysteriously stuck up his ass. 'Vital to the survival of the rebellion,' he said." Luke shook his head. "Old bastard." "Tough break, kid. What was your father, anyway?" "A navigator on a spice freighter." "Another space-lifer, huh? Whatever happened to him?" "Got gang-fucked to death by a bunch of bounty hunters on Ord Mantell. So they say." "Sorry to hear that, kid." "I don't give a shit anymore." "Well in that case..." Han's right hand slid slowly into Luke's pants, playing over his soft buttocks. "Let me hang you, Luke." Luke shrugged. "Boring conversation, anyway." ********* Luke slowly extracted the hydrospanner from his rectum, then fell with a fluid, sated plop, piss and shit running over his thighs. Han waved an arm in front of his face. "What an incredible smell you've discovered." "Fuck you, Corellian." Han was already lighting up a Tibanna gas pipe. He held the gas in his lungs, then passed the pipe to Luke. "Good shit. I've got a connection on Bespin." "Who doesn't?" Luke inhaled sharply, nearly coughing. "So what are you gonna do now, kid?" "I don't know. Stick around one more season, tops. Maybe join the Imperial Legion. A lot of new jobs on that Death Star." "I hear you can't see shit out of those helmets. A pregnant Dewback could be lying next to you and you wouldn't notice unless you looked right at it. And the armor is shit. You take a drained blaster shot in the ankle and you're galactically fucked." "Well...it's a living, right?" "That it is, kid. That it is." Han blew a smoke ring at the ceiling, then coughed. "What about that Jedi thing? You still blindfolding yourself and letting remotes zap you in the ass?" "I'd rather blow a dead Ugnaught in a sandcrawler's john." "No, in other words?" "I can't believe I was once that stupid." "Believe it." "Eat me." Han and Luke sat in silence. Luke reached for a tissue, and wiped semen from his hand, frowning. "My uncle smells you on me and I won't eat for a month. I'll be bumming rootleaf at the Toshi station." Han slapped his knees with both hands and got up. "Where are my shorts, kid?" "Fuck should I know?" Han found his clothes and began dressing. He squinted at R2. "You know, that droid over there has been playing the same message over and over all night." "I'm gonna have its memory erased. Never buy from a drunk Jawa." "Who's the chick? Wouldn't mind smuggling something in her." "Some princess." "A message for you? Shit, kid, I'd go for it." "With my luck we're probably related." "Well then, you think a princess and a guy like me..." Luke blew a raspberry. "Probably only fucks other members of the Alderaanian royal family. Gotta preserve the bloodline." "I was on Alderaan once, on leave from the fleet. Couldn't get a spice-addicted whore for 1000 credits. Corellian come ain't tasty enough, I guess. Everybody there thinks they shit ice cream. Somebody ought to blow up that fucking planet." "Amen. Maybe I'll deactivate that droid and make it into a waste disposal unit." Han began dancing around the room, pitching his voice like a little girl. "'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, I just blew the pope!" Luke laughed, and sucked the last wisp out of the pipe. "This bud's dead." Han abruptly stopped dancing. "Yeah, I better get back. Chewie's probably pulled someone's prick out of its socket by now. Never should have bought that chess game. Need anything?" "Just somebody to teleport me off this fucking rock. If there's an asshole of the universe, we're on the planet that's closest to it." "10,000 credits and I'll take you. You're pretty good in bed. I could use you." "You think your dick is made of carbonite? I'll pass." "What are you gonna do?" "Pick my ass and eat it, I guess. So long, Solo." Han's voice was suddenly serious. "May the Force be with you, kid." Luke spat a brownish lunger on the floor. "Stick the Force up your ass." Han grinned, flipped Luke the bird, and left. Grand Moff Tarkin lounged at one end of the conference table, absent-mindedly playing with his rapidly thinning hair. Several strands came off in his hand. "Shit." Tarkin stretched, lizard-like, and began scratching himself. With a quiet whoosh, the door slid open and Darth Vader strode in. His rhythmic, mechanical breaths settled over the room like a cloak. Vader went to the other end of the table, sat down, and put his legs up, straining at the effort. "Jee-zus Christ." Vader groaned deeply as he rotated his shoulder blades. "Any luck?" Tarkin stopped scratching and glanced at Vader, who continued to stare at the ceiling, obliviously stretching his mechanical joints. Tarkin cleared his throat loudly. "Hey, Space Cadet. Are you answering in mime or are you ignoring me?" Vader looked over slowly. Tarkin felt a sudden tightening in his crotch. "You're not worming your way out of this, Vader. Release me and report." The tightness quickly disappeared. Vader threw his hands in the air. "Fuck! Her resistance to my probe is considerable. Stubborn bitch. She might as well have deflectors around her cunt. It will be some time before we can extract any information >from her." Tarkin raised one eyebrow. "A bit frigid?" "Shit. Makes polar Hoth look like equatorial Tatooine at midday. About as moist, too." Tarkin smiled smugly. "Well, there's Alderaanian snatch for you. Don't say I didn't warn you. The only thing tougher to pry open than their purses are their legs." "No wonder none of our troops bother taking leave there." Tarkin suddenly got up and straightened his uniform, adjusting his crotch. "Perhaps she might respond to an alternative form of persuasion." Vader looked him over and laughed. "You've got to be kidding." "What?" "How old are you?" Tarkin glared indignantly. "None of your business. At least I can get it up without biomechanical pumps." "Try falling into a pit of lava, Moffy. Then see how horny you feel." Vader got up, his breaths quickening slightly. Tarkin waved his arm. "Oh, fuck you. This bickering is pointless. With my new weapon, I could crush her in one swift stroke." Vader walked slowly behind Tarkin and began massaging his shoulders, whispering in his ear. "Don't be too proud of this sado-masochistic terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a 20 year old girl's innocence and self-esteem is insignificant next to the power of the Force." Tarkin chuckled slightly. "Okay, yeah, whatever." Vader's hands slipped off his shoulders and gently patted Tarkin's buttocks. "Moffy, you of all people should appreciate the Force after all the good times we've had." "How much was you and how much was the Force?" Vader batted his eyes behind his mask and gently turned his ankle. "I'm not telling." "Just don't call me Moffy in front of her." "It won't make any difference. Not only is she frigid, she's huge. It's like throwing a lightsaber down a space slug's throat. You'll have to fist her to get anywhere." "Fist?" Tarkin turned around, raising his head slightly to meet Vader's gaze. "Shit, Vader, the last thing I fisted was a Mimbanite whore at a concert on Circarpous V. I was just a lieutenant, for Christ's sake." "How'd that go?" "Came four times. Two for each cunt." "Well you won't get a hum out of this Organa bitch. I'd bet on it." Tarkin rubbed his chin. "How much?" Vader shrugged. "You're fulla shit." "I'm fuckin' serious. 5000 credits? More?" "That's a lot of cash. I don't want to suck you completely dry." Vader walked to the other end of the room, contemplating the offer. "Come on, Vader. I'm sure Palpatine'll cover you if you haven't got it." Vader adjusted his cuffs. "Three thousand." "Four. I'll even throw in my new personal assistant." Vader's breath quickened again at the thought. "That new boy? The blonde?" "Yep. He just arrived on the station. A bit cheeky at times, but still charmingly wet behind the ears." Tarkin approached Vader, grinning slyly for emphasis. "And just about everywhere else." "Everywhere?" "It's like rolling in an Endorian meadow at daybreak. Except you don't have to stop all the time to shoot those little bear things." "Done and done, Moffy." Vader extended his hand. Tarkin shook it. "Four thousand is enough to teach you a lesson. They didn't use to call me 'Grand Muff' Tarkin for nothing, you know." "We'll see." Tarkin slapped his hands together, rubbing them. "Okay then. I think there's a princess in a cell somewhere needs to get fucked." ********* Leia Organa gently applied ointment to her clitoris, wincing slightly at the sting. At her feet lay the sputtering remains of a torture robot, its round, black frame dented. Its penile attachment was twisted and crushed. The door to the cell suddenly whooshed open. Standing in the doorway was a stormtrooper. Upon viewing Leia's display, he took a step back. Leia batted her eyes, unabashed. Putting the ointment down, she slowly licked her finger and inserted it into her vagina. She smiled. "Who's next?" Vader pushed the mesmerized trooper aside and entered the room. Leia rolled her eyes. "Darth Vader. Only you would be so bold. Ready for another round, my little Pinocchio ninja?" Vader ignored her sarcasm. "Now, your Highness, let us discuss the location of your hidden rebel base." "I don't know where you get your delusions, laser-balls." Leia smirked, and kicked the broken torture droid to the far end of the cell. "I was just discussing the rebels with your pain 'bot. He wasn't quite up to the challenge. His circuit got a little...shorted." "It is useless to resist." "Tell that to an Alderaanian girl. Resistance keeps the universe spinning." "Where is the rebel base?" "You were on the right track." Leia gently spread her labia, allowing an unobstructed view inside. "It's right in here. You'll just have to probe a little deeper. Don't worry, I don't have teeth." Vader mustered his best deadpan. "No wonder, with gums like that." Leia withdrew her fingers and threw her skirt back down over her knees. "Well aren't you just the Lord of the Pith today." "Cut the bullshit," Vader snorted. "Someone wants to see you." "Another Imperial limp-dick? Why not, I don't have anywhere to go just now." Leia got up and straightened her robe. Vader reached out and twisted one of Leia's nipples viciously. She cried out. "Ow, goddamnit!" "This Imperial's a little better hung than most." ********** Tarkin sat on a couch on the bridge of the Death Star, combing his hair over his scalp using a pocket mirror. His red velvet bathrobe was richly embroidered with images of exploding TIE fighters. A huge viewscreen dominated one wall. It displayed Alderaan, spinning serenely before a twinkling starfield. Vader, the trooper, and Leia emerged from a lift at the far end of the bridge and walked briskly over. Tarkin got up off the couch and pressed a button on its arm. The couch quickly unfolded into a four-poster bed. Leia scratched her head and farted. "Governor Tarkin. I expected to find you here holding Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board." Tarkin licked his lips. "Charming to the last." Slowly, he drew the shiny leather leash out of his breast pocket, unfurling it. "Actually I was going to use the leash on you. You don't mind, do you Vader?" Vader shrugged. "Just wash it afterwards." Tarkin fastened the leash around Leia's neck. "You don't know how difficult it was for me to sign the order to terminate your life. You're not bad looking, apart from the hair." "I'm surprised you had the stones to sign the order yourself." Tarkin sat down on the edge of the bed, crossing his legs. "Princess Leia, before your execution, I'd like you to be present at a ceremony which will make this battle station operational. No star system in the galaxy will dare oppose the Emperor now." Leia belched. "The tighter you squeeze your glutes, Tarkin, the more star systems will slip right out of your asshole like so much cosmic diarrhea." "Not after they witness the full power of this station. In a kind of fucked-up way, you've decided which planet will be blown to hell first." "Bullshit." "Bulltrue." Tarkin slowly opened his robe, revealing his somewhat emaciated-looking nude form. His medium-sized penis lay against his thigh amongst a thin tangle of graying pubic hair. Leia shuddered. "Just broadcast a picture of that. Everyone on the planet'll kill themselves." Tarkin lifted his penis, revealing a small blinking device attached to his scrotum. "You see this? This device is hooked directly to the ion cannon. When I come, your home planet of Alderaan goes bye-bye." Leia's eyes widened. "No, Alderaan is a peaceful world, we have no weapons, you mustn't..." Vader interrupted her with a loud bray of raspy laughter. "Yeah, right. They're a bunch of tree-hugging humanitarians." Leia lowered her eyes. "Well, maybe they haven't always been totally peaceful..." "Gimme a fuckin' break," Vader chortled. "Okay, okay, they're a bunch of assholes, I admit it. But it's home, you know." Leia shrugged. "Shit, go ahead, blow it up, I don't care. I'm telling you dick." Tarkin smiled. "Have it your way. Now let's get mounted." Tarkin yanked violently on Leia's leash, pulling her down onto the bed. Pinning her arms behind her back and pushing her down onto her stomach, he ripped her stained white robe apart, exposing the smooth white flesh of her buttocks. Spreading them with his fingers, Tarkin coughed up a smooth rope of saliva, letting it dribble over her rectum. Leia flinched in terror. "Wait, not in there. I don't like it in there! Anywhere else..." Leia struggled uselessly. Tarkin leaned over close to her ear as he gently rubbed the spit into her anus with his thumb. "You'd prefer another target, a genital target, then name the system!" Leia bit her lip, squirming at the sensation of Tarkin's long thumbnail. "I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time," Tarkin hissed. "Where's the fuckin' base?" Leia's voice trembled slightly, barely above a whisper. "Dantooine. They're on Dantooine." "No good, Princess, we tried there. This'll hurt you a lot more than it hurts..." "No, wait! Did I say Dantooine? I meant Mantooine, Mantooine! I get 'em confused, you know." Leia laughed sheepishly. Tarkin paused. "Mantooine, huh?" "Yep. That's where you'll find 'em. Mantooine. Every traitorous motherfuckin' one. Gimme a blaster, I'll kill a few for you." Leia looked over her shoulder at Tarkin, smiling hopefully. Tarkin rubbed his chin. "You see Vader, she can be reasonable. Not such a bitch. Maybe...nah, fuck it. Alderaan is in range. I'll fire when ready." He began rubbing his penis around her rectum, trying to make it erect. "What?!" Leia exclaimed. "You're far too trusting. It's been too long since I cornholed an Alderaanian chick. But don't worry..." Tarkin paused, slapping his penis against her perineum, "We'll deal with your rebel friends soon enough." Leia closed her eyes, waiting for the pain. She gritted her teeth, attempting to brace herself. A minute went by, and she felt nothing. Another minute. Leia tried to look behind her, and Tarkin slapped her sharply. "Ow! I was just wondering what the holdup was. I'd like to get this over with." "Shut up! I'm trying." "Are you rimming me, or what? Don't tell me that little fleshy nub I feel is actually your prick. No wonder you have so much anger toward the universe." "Shut up, whore!" Tarkin slapped her again, and pulled the leash taught, jerking Leia's head back. "It's Vader and that trooper over there talking. They're distracting me." Vader piped up from across the room. "But we haven't said anything, Moffy. You must be hearing things." "Fuck you!" Tarkin was sweating now, his gray hair plastered to his forehead in clumps. "I can do this, goddamnit..." "If this is anal sex, it's not so bad." Leia laughed. "Wake me up when you're done, Moffy." Leia closed her eyes and began snoring loudly. "I told you not to call me Moffy, Vader!" Tarkin screamed. "I'll have you fucking court-martialed for this!" "Oh, you're just pissed off about that 4000," Vader said. "Don't worry, I'll treat your personal assistant well. I hope he's as good as you said he is. Where is he?" Tarkin moved his hips faster, panting with the exertion. His penis still dangled lifeless as a slaughtered nerf. "My assistant is standing next to you. The stormtrooper. Go ahead and look, but you're not getting him. I can do this! I'm Grand Muff Tarkin!" Vader looked over at the trooper, reached out, and slowly lifted off his helmet, revealing the healthy, tanned features of a blue-eyed boy. The boy blew his unkempt, sandy blonde hair out of his eyes and looked up at Vader in awe. "What's your name, boy?" "Luke, lord. I was just posted on the station." "So I've heard." Vader leaned in close. "Why don't you go over there and assist your former master. He's old, you know, it's embarrassing." "Yes, master." "Do you like girls?" Luke shrugged. "They're okay. I saw this one in a holomessage once. She's alright, except for the hair." "Do you think you're up to it?" A long, boyish grin spread out over Luke's features. "No problem. It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home. Just a little smellier." With a last spasm of effort, Tarkin fainted on top of Leia, his entire body as limp as his useless organ. Leia rolled him off the bed in disgust. "Well I wouldn't rank that in my top ten sexual experiences. That Gamorrean at Star's End had more tact." Leia sat up, pulling off the leash and casting it aside. Suddenly she noticed Luke standing in front of her, smiling lasciviously. "Let me guess," Leia said. "You just got posted here." "Yeah. Never had this kind of duty before." Luke pulled off his white codpiece, revealing his genitals. Leia looked them over dispassionately. "Aren't you a little small for a stormtrooper?" "You'll find I'm full of surprises." Luke bent over Tarkin, pulled the blinking device off his scrotum, and attached it to his own. He was already erect. Leia lay back with a groan. "At least you've gotten that far. Okay, get on with it." Luke entered her roughly, twisting his buttocks like a corkscrew. He began to move rhythmically, imagining he was riding tailwinds and airpockets in his T-16. Leia's vagina was somewhat spacious, but not without a certain boyish charm. Vader looked on quietly, breathing heavily and polishing his lightsaber. As the pleasure mounted, Luke suddenly heard a familiar voice in his mind: USE THE FORCE, LUKE. Luke blinked. "Is that you, old man?" Ben's voice took on a sarcastic edge. NO, IT'S GANDHI. WHO THE FUCK ELSE TALKS TO YOU LIKE THIS? "Well Gandhi, what do you want now?" I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE RESORTED TO FEMALES. I'M DEPRESSED. "Molest somebody else's mind, why don't you?" Leia broke in. "Who the hell are you talking to?" "Nobody. Shut up." PUSHY LITTLE CUNT, ISN'T SHE? ALDERAANIANS ARE LIKE THAT. THE WOMEN FOR SURE. THEY'RE LIKE A UNION. "Leave me alone, alright? I'm trying to fuck here." OH YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S REALLY LOVING IT TOO. "Go to hell." YOU JUST CAN'T FACE THE FACT THAT THE BEST FUCKING YOU'LL EVER GET IS RIGHT BACK IN THE DUNE SEA WITH ME. "It's a big universe. I'll find something better." NO, YOU'RE ALONE. YOU'RE ALL ALONE. AND YOU WON'T BE FREE OF THAT FEELING OF BEING ALONE UNTIL YOU LOOK DEATH RIGHT IN THE FACE. NOW I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT... "That's 'cos it is. You had your chance, you old bastard." SURE, LET GO LUKE. TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. FEEL THE FORCE FLOWING THROUGH YOU. "Would you do me a big favor and fuck off?" YOUR EYES CAN DECEIVE YOU, DON'T TRUST THEM. AN ELEGANT WEAPON, OF A MORE CIVILIZED AGE. "I'm not listening. This chick's pussy is a lot tighter than your fat slack ass, you know that?" THE FORCE WILL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. RUN, LUKE, RUN! "I used to call you Jabba the Butt behind your back." WHO'S MORE FOOLISH, THE FOOL, OR THE FOOL WHO FOLLOWS HIM? "Who's a fool, Knobby-One? I've got a good job, a rich master, and an Alderaanian girlfriend. That'll be a pretty rare commodity in a few seconds." Luke shut his eyes, writhing in pleasure. Ben fell silent, momentarily at a loss. HEY, FUCKFACE. "What is it now?" DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE BANGING YOUR SISTER? "Whatever." IT'S TRUE. Luke opened his eyes and looked at Leia, who now appeared to be enjoying the experience. She was smiling broadly and entwining her fingers in Luke's pubic hair. He examined her features carefully for a resemblance. "You know what, old man?" WHAT, SKYFUCKER? "I don't give a flying fuck at the moons of Yavin. Now get ready to feel a great fucking disturbance in the Force!" Luke suddenly withdrew his penis and held it over Leia. The glans was nearly purple, swelling like a Gundark's bladder. Leia clutched at it with both hands, panting. "You're all clear, kid!" she cried out breathlessly. "Now let's blow this thing and go home!" She opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue. Luke cried out. "I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!" With a spasm which racked his entire body, Luke's ejaculate exploded like a supernova over Leia's flushed face. She began swallowing it hungrily. Through the main viewport, there was a green flash and a blinding light... ********* Vader handed a steaming cup of coffee to Luke, who gulped it eagerly. He grimaced. "That's awful." Vader sat down next to him on the bed. "You know, you're going to be my personal servant now." "Yeah, I heard about the bet." "How do you feel about it?" "Okay I guess." Luke looked him over. "Are you like...a normal man?" Vader chuckled. "Oh no. I'm a lot better than normal. Join me, and I'll complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy." Vader began rubbing the inside of Luke's thigh. "And uh, if we have a little fun in the process, who'll carp?" "Sure, why not? But on one condition." "Name it." "I get to keep the girl." Vader thought for a moment. "Alright. But she can't sleep in our room." "Fair enough." Luke looked at the blinking panel of lights on Vader's chest. He began fingering them. "What do these do, anyway?" "You'll find out tonight." Vader tenderly ran his other hand through Luke's hair. Leia approached, wearing Tarkin's robe and carrying a tray with two plates on it. She smiled at them. "Okay, who's for a little Ewok surprise?" Vader and Luke both took the plates from her. "What's the surprise?" Vader asked. "The surprise is that you won't vomit." Luke took a tentative bite. Vader opened the triangular grid on his faceplate and shoveled a forkful in. "Not bad," said Luke. "Not bad at all." Vader made an appreciative noise. "Pretty fucking good." Leia's smile widened. "I'm glad you like it." In a few moments, the food had disappeared. Luke began wiping crumbs off of Vader's mask. "I've gotta take Moffy to the infirmary," Vader said. "Have her clean up. Be waiting for me in my quarters by 0900." "I'll be ready." Vader got up, hoisted Tarkin's nude, unconscious body over his shoulder, and left the bridge. Leia sat down next to Luke and patted his knee. Slowly he put an arm around her, and they lay back on the bed, staring at the newly-formed Alderaanian asteroid field through the viewscreen. "Leia?" "What?" "You're not pissed at me, are you? For blowing up your planet?" "Nah. It was true what everybody said about the place. A bunch of hotheaded pricks and egomaniacal tightasses. I doubt anyone will even want to investigate. In fact..." Leia grinned devilishly, "I think it might have made it better. The sex, I mean. All those millions of voices screaming out in terror...then being suddenly silenced." She licked her teeth erotically. "So you liked it?" "Yeah. In fact..." "What?" "What's the next nearest inhabited planet?" "It's uh...Tatooine." Leia reached over into Luke's pants and began massaging him gently. He started to become erect immediately. "Whattya say?" "Don't you need a little more time to recover?" Leia laughed, rolled over on top of Luke, took out his penis, and begin licking the head in circular motions. Leia's blue eyes glittered darkly. "I guess," she intoned, her voice slightly muffled by Luke's foreskin, "you don't know everything about women yet." Lando peered coldly through a thickening cloud of Tibanna gas pipe smoke. He threw his multi-colored sabacc cards to the floor with a grunt of disgust. "You slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler." Han grinned broadly. "You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder." "Cum-burping, butt-smuggling, two-bit Correllian jizz- wailer." Han dropped his cards and cracked his knuckles. "Come on, Lando. I don't want to have to sick Chewie on you. Let's see some skin." Lando slowly stood up from the table, wearing only a tight g-string made of Calamarian leather. The rest of his clothes lay in a small pile on the floor. Also seated at the circular table were Chewbacca, Boba Fett, and IG-88, all in various states of undress. Han was the only one still fully-clothed. They were playing on an open balcony adjacent to Lando's suite, offering a magnificent view of the Cloud City Skyline at sunset. Lando awkwardly peeled off the g-string, allowing his sizable penis to flip free and dangle in the Bespin breeze. His scrotum had shrunk to the size of a walnut. Han leaned back in his chair, stuffing his winnings into his pockets. He smirked. "Look at you. Titty hard-ons, nuts sucked in tighter than your stomach. You look like a first-timer. Who'd have thought that, huh? Are you afraid your mom's gonna walk in?" "It's that goddamn Wookie. He keeps sniffing my ass." Chewbacca flexed his shoulder muscles and grunted. "Rrrrggg rowwrr, rreearrrr, raaahhhrr." (On Kashyyyk, one born so poorly hung would be left to die on the Great Mountain of Moopsac.) Lando glared at Chewie. "What the fuck is he saying?" Han shrugged. "Beats the shit outta me." "He's your pet, isn't he? I thought you understood his language." "Language? He's just a big grunting animal. I doubt he's thinking cosmic thoughts. What would we talk about, anyway?" "Rrrghh raaaruu roooghgg rarahh." (I could have a more stimulating conversation with a mild case of Brigian crabs.) Boba Fett, wearing only his helmet, broke in. "If he's so dumb, how come he can pilot your ship and fix it quicker than you can, Solo?" Han lit the bud on the gas pipe and inhaled sharply. His voice took on a high pitch as he held the gas in his lungs. "Typical Skinnerian reward/punishment training." He exhaled slowly. "How did you think? Documentaries?" "Raaa rourreh ree rahh." (Sure, fucknuts. He taught me. Shit, I'm only 165 years older than anybody else at this table.) Han stood up. "Okay, Lando, enough stalling. You know the rules. You lost your dignity fair and square. It's time to pay the piper." Lando's penis retracted an inch as he shuddered. "Can't I pay you guys in credits this time?" IG-88 stood up with a mechanical whir. A staccato, synthesized southern drawl emanated from his vocoder. "Calrissian, I didn't come all the goddamn way to the asshole of space just to whack over a tech manual. My joint is almost frozen. I ain't takin' off 'til I get it off, so spread 'em, ya fuckin' asshole." Lando reluctantly switched off the sabacc field and lay down on his stomach, draping himself over the table. "Fuckin' bounty hunters. I told you we didn't need this scum, Solo. Don't you give a rat's ass about me anymore?" Han unzipped his pants and began massaging his penis, making it erect. "Fuck you, if I'd lost, you'd be able to fly the Falcon through your shit-eating grin." "Come on, you old pirate. Double or nothing?" "Double what? Have you grown another asshole recently?" Chewie parted the fur on his groin, and his furry black organ slowly emerged, like some kind of mutant digworm testing the air. Lando spied it and his eyes widened in horror. "Holy fuck," he whispered, his teeth chattering. "That's no dick. It's a space station." "Better let him be, it's not wise to upset a wookie with wood." Han was now at half-mast. "Fuck you, Han. Nobody worries about upsetting a Tibanna gas mine administrator who's down on his luck." "That's 'cos Tibanna gas mine administrators don't have two-foot cocks that could blast a hole in a shield door." Lando began sweating in terror. "I've got a bad feeling about this." Boba Fett hissed sharply. "What if Calrissian doesn't survive? He's no good to me dead. Well...not much good, anyway." Han bit his lip, his face reddening. "You can go before Chewie, okay? If he dies before your turn, then check in at a jump joint. Either that or make sure you can set the shower on Slave 1 to 'cold', 'cos I'm sure as shit not touchin' your greasy ass." Lando, his eyes still locked on Chewie's member, was barely able to form words. "This deal's getting worse all the time." Chewie chortled. "Rrrr rgaarghh reurrrarh roowarrhh." (If Mallatobuck could see me now she'd shit. A human rectum has all the resistance of wet tissue paper. Christ knows what I'll catch from this faggot. Oh, how I long for the mighty, fur-lined cunts of Kashyyyk!) IG-88 sprayed oil on his gleaming penile attachment. "We need a battin' order, boys. If the dog goes last, who's on first?" Han grabbed Lando's buttocks and pulled them apart, surveying his quivering anus. "I am." He spit on his fingers and lubricated his cock. Lando groaned. "Come on, Solo. Gimme a break. What about my little maneuver at the Battle of Tanaab? Isn't that worth a reprieve?" "Have you forgotten about your 'little maneuver' at the Orgy of Mytus VII?" Lando rolled his eyes. "That was a long time ago, I'm sure everybody's forgotten about that by now." Fett piped up. "Mytus VII? There's no such planet." Han stuck his finger into Lando's ass, loosening it up. "They changed the name to Mytus VIII after the Orgy. Too much bad press." Lando squirmed at the sensation of Solo's cold index finger. "I was...just following orders." "Rrrahhh rowrr rrerahhr reeereghar." (At least Kamarrian Howlrunners have a little fight to them. All these humans do is talk, talk, talk.) Han positioned his cock squarely, aiming it. "Cheer up, Lando. You should be honored makin' it with a scoundrel like me. I've got the death penalty for statutory rape in twelve systems." Suddenly, a familiar low-pitched voice burst onto the balcony. "Sure, Captain Solo. Maybe a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away." Darth Vader, followed by a retinue of stormtroopers, slid the balcony door open and stepped through, his black cape billowing menacingly. Han spun quickly and drew his blaster, already firing. The bolts ricocheted harmlessly off Vader's outstretched hand, and Han felt an invisible force rip the gun from his grasp and pull it across the room into Vader's palm. Then another invisible force yanked his zipper up sharply, catching his erect cock. Han screamed and fell to his knees, clutching himself. Lando sprang off the table, rubbing his ass. He smiled broadly and mussed Han's hair, laughing. "I had no choice. They arrived right before you did. Sorry, man. Whew!" He shook his head and began putting his clothes back on. Vader handed Han's blaster to one of his stormtroopers and began collecting the credits on the sabacc table into a pocket on his cape. "I'm afraid you boys are gonna have to come with me. We understand that certain illicit substances are being distributed from this station." Vader picked up the Tibanna gas pipe and examined it. "How interesting. Some kind of musical instrument?" Lando shook his head innocently. "Solo brought that with him, Lord Vader. I was just about to report him to the authorities." Han hissed through clenched teeth, still cradling his wounded prick. "Yeah, you're a real fuckin' hero." Chewie leaned against the balcony railing and shook his head. "Rrrrarhhrrhh rauuurhhh roooorrgharh rrrr." (This asshole Solo certainly has a way with people. What a fuckin' mess. But this tall black one shows a little promise. Hmm...) He eyed Vader's stout, 7 foot frame admiringly. Lando slapped his hands together, smiling. "So, who here's in the mood for a little Chinese?" ********* A thick blast of steam filled the dimly-lit carbon freezing chamber. Vader waved the steam out of his face, sucking the last dregs of his wonton soup through a straw. He belched appreciatively. "My compliments to your Chinese cooks, Calrissian. Have them brought to my ship. They're gonna take a little star trek with me for a while." Lando stepped forward indignantly, chewing. He dropped his fortune to the floor, unread. "Hey, man, you said the cooks would be left in the city under my supervision!" "Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?" Lando rolled his eyes. "Oh, no, you're treating me like a king. I offer you free food, you kidnap my cooks. I'm so happy!" "Quit bitching. If not for me, you'd have that wookie's schwanz halfway up your lower G.I. right now." "I could've dealt with that. But I like Chinese!" Chewie, surrounded by an armed guard of several stormtroopers, barked out a laugh. "Rarrharh rheeahr!" (Sure, Calrissian, you could have dealt. And we're all gonna picnic on Alderaan next week with the Imperial Senate.) Han, his hands bound behind his back, was led onto the carbon freezing platform. "Laugh it up, fuzzball. You're too dumb to realize that I'll be probably be hanging in Jabba's sculpture garden in a couple of days." "Roowarrh raahahrhrr reeerrarroww." (You're breakin' my fuckin' heart. Maybe I'll drop by every few years and hose the pigeon shit off you.) Boba Fett nudged Vader gently. "What if he doesn't survive..." Vader brushed his hand away. "Then he'll be dead. And two plus two is four. Anything else need clearing up?" Suddenly, Luke Skywalker burst into the chamber, tightly gripping a somewhat poorly-constructed lightsaber. "Alright, what the fuck's taking so long?" Leia scampered in after him, wearing only a silver bra and panties. She began tugging on Luke's arm. "Come on, Luke. You're not done with your training yet." Luke jerked his arm away roughly. "Hey, Vader, what's the story? Why wasn't I invited to this little party?" Vader approached Luke and patted his groin gently. "The Force is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a Jedi yet. Now get back to our cabin and wait for me." Han, noticing Luke, piped up. "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good Corellian cock in your mouth, kid. I expected more from you." Luke, noticing Han for the first time, pushed Vader aside and approached. "Han, old buddy." "How are you doin, kid?" "Same as always." "That bad, huh?" Han looked over Luke's saber. "Make that yourself?" "Yeah." "I thought so. Back on that dustball you told me you gave up all this space samurai jive. 'Happy Forceshit' you used to call it, remember? Why the change of heart?" "Well," Luke shrugged, motioning to Vader. "I gotta earn my keep somehow. It makes the old man happy, so I go along with it." Han eyed Leia appreciatively. "Who's your new prick cozy?" Luke grinned. "Princess Leia Organa, last of the Alderaanian cock-squashers. The same chick we saw in that message." "No shit? Damn, kid, you really turned her around." Leia approached, adjusting her bra over her abnormally large breasts. She pinched Luke's ass. "Who's your friend?" "Gambler, con artist, scoundrel, you'll like him. Leia, meet Han Solo." Han leaned forward and kissed Leia's hand. "Must admit, Your Highness, your wood factor has gone up a lot since that holomessage." Luke ran his hand through Leia's lustrous, long hair. "Well, her hair's different, for one thing. And these," Luke grabbed one of Leia's breasts, squeezing it, "are brand new. The latest T-38's from Silica IV." Leia gently pulled Luke's hand away. "Careful, honey, they're still kinda sensitive." Han's gaze caressed Leia's bosom. "Well, Your Highness, I guess this is it. Too bad." "That's right." Leia began pulling Luke away from the freezing platform. "What's going on?" Luke glared at Leia, miffed. "What are you, blind? He's being put into carbon freeze." "What? That's bullshit!" "Hey, he chose his own path. Nobody chose it for him." "He's my friend, bitch, you don't even know him!" "Alderaanian women can tell about people. And careful who you call 'bitch.'" Vader coughed, interrupting. "I hate to break this up, but I'd rather not be here forever. Mr. Freeze?" "He'd better survive this," Fett grumbled. One of the stormtroopers moved to the carbon freezing control panel. Luke immediately ignited his lightsaber. Its sickly yellow beam sputtered and flashed. He brought it down on the trooper's head, splitting it in half. Sizzling hot blood sprayed Luke's face, and the trooper flopped to the floor like a rag doll. The other stormtroopers were already taking their aim when Vader shouted, "Wait, hold your fire! He's just a little angry, let him work it out." Luke advanced on one of the other troopers, who pointed his blaster at him shakily. "Uh, Lord Vader?" the trooper asked urgently. "What is it?" "How about I just stun him?" "No, don't interfere." "Please, Lord?" "Just follow orders, shitbird." "Oh, fuc..." The troopers last words were cut short by Luke's saber, which sliced through his helmet into his neck. Luke wrenched the saber free, leaving the trooper's helmeted head dangling from his neck by a slender ribbon of flesh. The trooper began running around wildly, until he smashed against a wall and slumped in a twitching heap, spouting blood from his neck like a fountain. Vader smiled. "Do you feel the Force, my boy?" Luke grinned hellishly, his face red, as he dismembered the rest of the passive and sheepish-looking stormtrooper squad. "Yeah, this is fun! I feel the Force for the first time in my life! It's like having the biggest hard-on in the universe!" "You've learned much, young one." Vader nudged Lando and motioned to Luke. "I taught him everything, you know." Chewie shook his head as he observed the steadily growing pile of bodies. "Reearaghhr." (The last cup of Ruurian decaf I had was stronger than all these cheesedicks put together.) When the last of the troopers was dead, Luke preened happily, nearly slipping in their viscera. He beamed at Vader. "I want more guys! Send for more guys!" "Game's over now, my son. Sorry, but we've gotta freeze your friend. Leia, will you..." Leia nodded and karate-chopped Luke lightly on the back of the neck. He fell immediately. ********* Luke awoke to find himself held fast by IG-88. He struggled uselessly. 88 laughed. "Give it up, farm boy. You struggle like a bitch-pup on a paper leash. Hey Vader, looks like you done hooked yourself a sow instead of a boar." "Shut up, 88," Vader hissed. Luke looked around. They were all still in the carbon freezing facility. "How long have I been out?" Vader glanced at his watch. "Two hours." "Two hours? What were you all doing?" "Waiting." "Why is this metal prick groping me?" "You've gotta learn discipline." "Is Han...?" Han was sitting cross-legged on the freezing platform. "I'm still here, kid. We couldn't have you sleeping through the big dramatic scene, and the Dark Lord over there wouldn't wake you up. Tell that chick to pull her punch next time." Solo got up, groaning slightly at his stiff joints. "I've been lifting, okay?" Leia snorted, cleaning her nails. "Suck my left." "Love to, your Highnessness. Hope the milk isn't as sour as your puss." "Is that all you do? Talk?" "Sorry, your Worship," Han grinned. "Haven't got time for anything else." Chewie suddenly roared in frustration. "Rarearrhgharh!" (For Christ's sake, freeze the sonofabitch and let's get on with our lives!) "Here, here." Vader motioned to Leia, who pressed a button on the freezing control. Han was slowly lowered into the freezing pit. Luke struggled uselessly against 88. He looked deeply into Han's eyes. "I love you." A tear streamed down his face. Han looked back at Luke, sadly shaking his head. "It was just sex, kid. There'll be another time. The Princess. You've got to...take care of her, you know? Show her who's the boss. Don't let her geld you. Every man has a lightsaber. Doesn't matter how big it is. It's how he uses it." Leia laughed, rolling her eyes. "Okay, thanks for that Kaiburr Crystal of wisdom. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the only skirt in this saga." "Join the club," Han grumbled. "Wonderful girl, Luke. Either I'm gonna fuck her or I'm beginning to like her. The platform hit the bottom, and a jet of steam filled the pit. Han's eyes opened wide. "Hey, kid, this isn't so bad! You should try..." His words were cut short as the carbonite poured in. Luke spoke bitterly as 88 released him. "Oh, man. There goes my ride." A huge mechanical claw lifted the block of carbonite out of the pit and set it upright. A couple of Ugnaughts scurried in and tipped the block over. It landed with a huge thud. A few parts of Han's body were protruding from the carbonite, completely uncovered, including his mouth and groin. He coughed out a few fragments of carbonite, clearing his throat. "What the fuck? I have a feeling something went wrong." Vader rubbed his helmet, frustrated. "Calrissian, what's the story?" Lando threw his hands up, indignant. "I told you we don't usually use this for freezing people. We can do it again, if you want." "No, no, no, never mind. It's embarrassing enough as it is." He glanced at Boba Fett. "Do you mind?" "As long as he survives..." "I'm glad you're so concerned with everyone's survival." Vader began pointing at everyone in the room. "Well look, he survived, I survived, you survived..." "Hey, it's money, you know?" "We oughta form a band, call ourselves 'The Survivors.'" Hans lips moved quickly. "Come on, this sucks, let me out!" Luke yelled at Vader. "Let him out. He's my friend." Vader chuckled. "Oh, I don't know if he'd survive that. What do you think, Boba?" "Fuck you." "Fuck me?!" Vader blanched in mock horror. "Oooh, how can I survive such abuse!" Fett flicked Vader off and left in a huff, shouting. "Just leave Solo there, I'll come back for him. Prick." Luke approached Vader, an intense look on his face. He gripped his makeshift saber tightly. "Alright, Sugar Daddy. Let my friend out, or we're gonna have a problem." Vader shoved him back roughly. "What are you gonna do, fuck me to death?" Vader motioned to Luke, and Luke's zipper immediately went down. His prick was pulled out of his pants by an invisible force. Luke shook his head. "You're not gonna get me with that again. I've got you wrapped around my little finger, Darth. If I withhold sex for a day I can have you squirming on the floor eating my shit like a starving gravel-maggot." Leia called out to Luke in a stern tone. "Come on, Luke, do what he says." "Bullshit, Leia. You didn't see us alone in the South Passage. He expressed his true feelings for me. You've never heard such sappy horseshit in your life. He'd die without me." Luke snapped on his lightsaber and brandished it before him. Vader reluctantly pulled out his saber and switched it on. Its powerful red beam made Luke's look pitiful in comparison. He laughed. "You've learned much, young one, but you've still got a long way to go. Look at your saber, for Christ's sake. It bends the wrong way. You don't want to fight me." Luke smiled. "You'll find I'm full of..." Without warning, Vader spun Luke's saber out of his hand, and brought his own saber down on Luke's penis, severing it completely. Luke screamed and fell to the floor, clutching his groin. Vader circled him triumphantly, leaning over and taunting him. "Full of what? What were you gonna say? Formex? Boiled chak-root, maybe? Fresh bacta? What exactly are you full of?" Vader switched off his saber and clipped it to his belt, then kicked Luke's penis over to him. "You don't want to leave this lying around, you know, someone might trip." Chewie cringed. "Raeeggarrh roooeeer rawwar." (Never thought I'd feel sorry for a human, but that's gotta smart. Damn.) Leia shook her head. "Goddamnit. I told him. Dumb fuck." Vader kneeled down in front of Luke. "You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't make me destroy you." Luke hissed through his teeth. "Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to do anything drastic! You fucker!" He rolled on the floor in agony. "I know you're pissed now, but it was for your own good. Someday you'll understand..." "Understand?! When?! When it grows back?!" "Oh, stop whining. Hey, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?" "He told me enough! He told me you killed him, which was bullshit, of course. Actually he got gang-fucked to death by a bunch of..." "No...I am your father." Luke looked up at him. "Oh, great. It's bad enough I was fucking my own sister. This makes Oedipus Rex look like 'My Three Sons.'" "What?!" Leia yelled from the back of the room. "What was that about a sister?" "Leia, you're my sister. Vader's our Dad." "Sure. And Lando's our mom, I guess. That makes these Ugnaughts our half-brothers." Lando began backing away. "This is too weird for me. Fuck this, I'm Audi 5000." Lando ran from the room, followed by the jabbering group of Ugnaughts. IG-88 walked stiffly toward the exit, following them out. "Y'all have a lot of catchin' up to do. Adios." Han piped up from inside the carbonite. "Is anybody here related to me? I'd like to know now, before I fuck anyone else." Leia sat down on Han, scratching her breasts. "Don't worry, you're safe. Jesus, this is twisted." "Looks like father and son have a lot to work out over there." "Yeah." "Hey Princess. Seein' as how we're not related, and this might be my last chance for a while...How'd you like a hearty breakfast of Corellian sausage with gravy?" Leia examined Han's penis, which dangled free of the carbonite block. She flicked it lightly with her finger, weighing her options. "I don't know." "Well Luke's out of commission for a while. And Vader's your...well, you'd be swallowing what could have been another brother or sister, you know." Han's penis began filling with blood. Leia shrugged. "What the hell." She began flicking at it lightly with her tongue, letting it grow upward to meet her lips. Han groaned. "You're one of those chicks with a thing for pirates, aren't you?" Leia licked her lips, tasting Han's pre-ejaculate. "I happen to like nice men." "I'm nice men." "We'll see." Han's cock was fully erect now, and she took it languidly into her mouth, covering most of its length. She twisted her head from side to side, biting down slightly and gently washing it with her tongue. "Oh, baby. It's kinda nice bein' frozen. Oh, yeah..." He gritted his teeth at the sensations. Leia's head bobbed up and down rhythmically over his cock. With her hand she played with his balls, which were soft and pliable from the heat. Slowly, she lifted her mouth away from him and began working his cock with her hand. She slid down with her tongue and began sucking Solo's testicles. She went from one to the other, letting each pop into her mouth from the suction. Meanwhile, Vader was running his hand through Luke's hair, trying to console him. "Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this." "I wish he'd warned me about this part." "It is your destiny." "Oh, fuck off." Luke began dragging himself away from Vader, leaving an enormous trail of blood. "Everybody's always tellin' me about my destiny. 'Be a farmer, Luke,' 'Be a jedi, Luke,' 'Be a pirate, Luke.' 'Stay on Tatooine,' 'Go to Dagobah', 'Go to Hell.' 'Suck dick,' 'Eat pussy.' I'm sick of all you twisted old motherfuckers telling me what to do. I'm gonna choose my destiny!" "And exactly what are you gonna choose?" "I don't know yet! Everything looks pretty shitty so far. But when I find something..." "Sure, keep dreaming. Your old man's as good as you'll get, boy." Vader picked Luke's penis up off the floor and put it in his belt. He stood up and straightened his robe. "I'll be back on my ship waiting for you. But don't take too long." He left. Leia was tracing the veins on Han's cock with her tongue, marveling at his staying power. "You're not too shabby, Corellian. Luke never lasted more than 30 seconds in my mouth." "The kid's got a lot to learn." Leia looked up at Chewie, who was watching dispassionately while checking himself for parasites. "Who's the walking carpet over there?" "That's Chewbacca, my co-pilot." "Why doesn't he join us?" "I don't know, sister, he's a little big." "You forget, I'm Alderaanian." She motioned to Chewie. "Here boy, come on, here boy! Mama's got something nice for you." Chewie laughed. "Reeauurhgahh raaahh." (No respect for her elders. Aw, what the fuck. I'll give this chesty one something to regret in the morning.) He walked casually over. Leia was huddled over Han's groin, her ass in the air. Chewie hooked one curled claw under the strap of her bikini briefs and ripped them off. He surveyed her vagina, spreading it with his thumbs. "Roooarrhh raagarr reeeoouurarrh." ('It is easier for a Rancor to pass through the eye of a needle...') "Come on, Chewie," Han urged. "Get in there, you big furry oaf. I don't care what you smell." Chewie lubricated his cock as best he could and inserted it, half-erect, into Leia's cunt. She gasped at the sensation. "Jeeezus Christ! How much of you is there?" "Reearrreeuhhgh rawarr." (You don't want to know, honey.) Chewie began pumping his hips rhythmically, driving himself into Leia as far as he could go. Half of his cock was still outside her as it continued its merciless expansion. He leaned forward and bit Leia on the shoulder viciously. She let out a muffled cry of pain, climaxing at the same time, and momentarily forgetting about Han's cock, which was still pressed enthusiastically against her uvula. Blood began to stream from the wound in her shoulder. Chewie withdrew his fangs and settled into an easygoing stroke, starting to enjoy the sensations of Leia's vagina (which was of course remarkably small by wookie standards.) Leia panted and moaned desperately, sweat flying from her and spattering Han's lips. "Hey, Chewie, what the hell's going on back there?" Han's mouth turned down at the edges, frowning. "Reearrahrhra rooooaaruaur reeeaaarrhghh." (I could develop a taste for this. Forgive me, Malla.) He continued stroking, the tension steadily mounting. Leia's eyes fluttered as she teetered on the brink of unconsciousness. "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..." From the other side of the chamber, Luke watched bitterly, still using both hands to staunch the bleeding from his groin. "Boy, I hope you're all having fun over there. Never mind Luke who just got his dick cut off and carried into space by his own father. Just let him watch his only sister get fucked by a dog, no problem. He doesn't mind." Leia screamed out, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Her panting breaths began to assume an almost musical tone. She was sure Chewie's prick would certainly tear her in half. Chewie began emitting a strange, low pitched growl. "Please let that sound mean he's about to come." Han's cock flopped against her cheek as she was jerked back and forth. "Bingo, your Highness." Han said. "It won't be too much longer." With a spasm that seemed to shake the entire floor, Chewie climaxed, expelling a thick load of semen into Leia. He roared mightily as it overflowed her cunt, squeezing out past his cock and splashing onto the floor. Leia exhaled, exhausted. "I'm glad he's not multi- orgasmic. I can practically taste it. Remind me never to do this again." She began kissing Han's cock gratefully. "Thank God for the average. Now let's get him out of me so I can clean up." Han chuckled. "'Fraid not, your Worship." "What?" "Well, you see, a wookie's penis expands inside the vagina during intercourse. Barring an episiotomy, there's no way we can get him out of you for at least the next 8 hours." "You're kidding, right?" "Nope." Leia rubbed her forehead, exhausted. "My mother warned me there'd be days like this." Luke glared at the three of them, muttering under his breath. "Fuck you all." ********* In the Cloud City medical center, Two-One-Bee was putting the finishing touches on Luke's new penis. Under remote control, it hardened and softened at intervals of 30 seconds. Luke yawned. "Is it done yet?" "Just a moment, sir." Two-One-Bee began poking the penis with a sharp-edged prod. Luke winced. "Ow! What the fuck is that for?" "I don't know." Two-One-Bee withdrew the prod. Luke got up from his bed and walked around the room, gently stroking his new organ. "Well, I'd like to test this thing out. How 'bout it, sis?" Leia lay on her stomach in the bed next to his, her ass heavily bandaged. She frowned at him. "Very funny, Luke. This droid says I won't be able to piss without his help for a couple more weeks. Fuckin' wookie." "I guess now you appreciate me a little more." "Don't jump to conclusions. Solo is better than you are." "That reminds me. You'll have to do without him for a while. I gave him to Boba Fett. They oughta be half-way to Tatooine by now." Leia suddenly looked confused. "Wait a second. We blew up Tatooine with the Death Star, remember? Along with Akrit'tar, Ammuud, Dellalt, Orron III..." "I meant Dantooine. Jabba the Hutt has a summer place there. I'm sure he wasn't on Tatooine when it blew." "So you gave up your best friend just to spite me?" "Yep. I don't give a shit. I'll make lots of friends with my new dick." "You're becoming quite a mercenary. Do you actually care about anything, or anybody?" "Apart from me?" "Yeah." "Nope." "That's what I figured." Leia spat in disgust and picked up a magazine. Luke tapped Two-One-Bee on the shoulder. "So how long can I last during sex with this thing?" "However long you want to, sir." "And I can make it as big as I want?" "The synthetic skin is tested up to 15 inches." Luke laughed. "You better get used to this hospital, Leia. Shit, I'll have half the city in here with sore asses in a week." "Yeah, right," Leia grumbled. "Our dad might have something to say about that." "Oh, fuck our Dad. He can jerk off up there 'til his orbit decays. What did he ever do for us? He can't stop me. With my new prick I'm gonna learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi. Then nobody can fuck with me. I'll show 'em. I'll show the whole fuckin' galaxy. They won't soon forget the name Skywalker." Luke pulled on a pair of pants. "Hey, droid, where's the elementary school in this city? Might as well start with the little ones first. Everybody'll know who their real Daddy is soon. Big Daddy Luke." "I think you should rest for a bit longer, sir. How do you feel?" Luke gripped his new prick tightly, caressing its flank. "Young, baby." He grinned malevolently as he strode out of the medical center. "I feel young!"