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o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
o The 'Bookshelf collection' offers a very wide variety of o
o stories. They have been submitted by people from all over the o
o world. Also from alt.sex.stories (Newsgroups). There is no o
o particular order other than offering them to you in alpha- o
o betical directories. o
o I don’t believe in categorizing things. "I don’t want to o
o be typed therefore I don’t type things myself." I think it’s o
o a lot more fun to browse around and find 'little' surprises o
o that you might not have even thought of looking for. o
o Lest we forget!!! This story was produced as adult en- o
o tertainment and should not be read by minors. Kristen o
o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o
Poetic Justice (MF, reluc)
by Jennifer
***
Chapter 1
Friday night; 11:35 PM -
Somewhere along Route 264; just outside of Falling Rock, AZ.
Her head bobbed rhythmically to the beat of the blaring radio; it
was difficult to stay focused on what I was trying to do.
"Oh yeah . . . " I managed to groan.
With her free hand, she grabbed a handful of her flowing hair and
flipped it to the other side of her head . . . away from her face.
As I took a quick look down at her, she gave me a mischievous
little look.
"I wonder what she's thinking?" I thought to myself. I found it
amazing that she seemed so passionate . . . like she enjoyed it so
much. But hey! For the two hundred fifty bucks I gave her . . . it
had better be the best blowjob of my life!
.............................
Just a couple of hours ago, I was at my favorite local strip joint.
As usual, I was checking things out . . . looking for someone to
score with a little later. Most of the women, I had seen before . . .
but there was a new one . . . one that caught my eye. With long
legs, a shapely figure, huge breasts, a striking face, and a flowing
mane of blonde hair . . . she was a walking wet dream. She even
had a little bonus . . . just below her navel was a small tattoo. It
was a purple heart about the size of a half-dollar with a round,
yellow `smiley face' in its center. I'm not really sure why, but it
drove me wild.
Fortunately, she seemed to take a liking to me . . . so it wasn't too
difficult to talk her into coming with me after she got off. I did
have to raise my offer a couple of times, but hey . . . nothing good
in life comes free.
.............................
"Yeah . . . that's right," I said softly.
I slid my right hand down the front of her open shirt and began to
massage her dangling breasts.
"Don't stop . . . don't stop" I said.
I could hardly concentrate when all of the sudden a horn blast
snapped me out of my trance.
"Jesus!!!" I swore as I swerved my car back into its lane.
"Maybe I should stop?" she said in a concerned tone of voice.
"I'm fine. Really. It won't happen again . . . I just lost my
concentration for a second." I said assuredly.
"Why? Was I distracting you?" she laughed.
With that, she opened her mouth and plunged her head down over
my throbbing cock once more.
"Ohhh" I moaned, as I thrust my hips up towards her face. The
feeling was incredible.
The next thing I knew, I began to cum . . .
I awoke in a haze to the sounds of someone pounding on my side
window. I turned my head slowly and tried to focus on the face
glaring at me through the cracked glass. After a few moments, the
sounds of her voice started to unscramble into legible sentences.
"You . . . you!!" she screamed in anger. "You and your cheap
whore . . . you will both pay!!"
Slowly, the face of an elderly Indian woman began to take shape.
I turned my head to the right and saw the striper that I picked up
looking back at me in shock. She had a nasty gash on her
forehead; blood dripped down her face.
"An accident . . ." I thought. My senses seemed to snap back into
place.
"Oh my God!" I gasped. "Are you alright?"
"I think so" the hooker responded. "But I don't think they are."
She pointed to a twisted heap of metal through the windshield.
"Jesus Christ!!" I gasped.
Once again, the pounding to my left caught my attention.
"I hope you burn in hell!" the old woman said with hatred. "My
husband! You've killed my husband!!!"
Chapter 2
One Week Later (Friday); The 52nd District Courthouse
The sound of the gavel echoed throughout the courtroom.
"Order please . . . order. I've reached a decision." The judge
bellowed.
"Based on the evidence at hand, and the testimony of Officer Jim
Wilcox, I have no alternative but to drop the charges against Mr.
Thompson."
The judge looked over to the old woman and said, "I'm sorry
ma'am. It appears by the skid marks of the automobiles that your
husband inadvertently pulled out in front of Mr. Thompson's
vehicle. I'm sorry . . . "
The sound of his voice drifted into infinity as the old woman's eyes
met mine; her gaze piercing my very soul. I knew that I had
literally just gotten away with murder, but what else was I to do?
Spend the rest of my life in jail? Thank God Jim Wilcox was an
old High School buddy of mine as was willing to help me cover
things up. If it weren't for him, there was no way in hell I would
have gotten out of this.
Thank God it was Jim who answered the phone at the Sheriff's
Outpost when I called for help on my cellular phone. He told me to
sit tight and stay calm . . . he'd be there as soon as possible.
I begged for his help as I told him the circumstances surrounding
the accident.
He reluctantly agreed, but told me that I'd have to "Loose the
hooker" before he arrived.
So what was I to do?
I gave her all the money I had in my wallet and told her to sneak
off when the old woman wasn't looking . . . it was the only way
that we both weren't going to jail for a long, long time.
Jim falsified the accident report and allowed the hooker to go free.
Despite the old woman's testimony, he swore that when he arrived
at the scene of the accident, there was no evidence of another
passenger in my car . . . just me, the old woman, and her dead
husband.
The sharp sound of the judge's gavel snapped me out of my
dreamlike state. I blinked and looked up . . . once again catching
the cold stare of the old Indian woman as she turned and slowly
staggered back to the throng of supporters that had accompanied
her.
Outside of the courthouse, I pulled Jim aside and shook his hand.
"I owe you one old buddy," I said in appreciation.
"Lets just put this whole th . . ."
Suddenly the old woman broke into our conversation. She didn't
utter a word . . . but instead lifted her hands towards me; gesturing
as if to offer me their contents.
I looked down at her hands and reluctantly took the folded piece of
paper. As I went to open it up, she mumbled something in her
native Navajo tongue, and then began to chuckle. She turned, and
quickly began to walk back towards her friends . . .
"Bizarre" Jim said. "Those Indian folks can sure be a little
different."
"Yeah, I guess," I said. "She gives me the creeps. How about
you?"
"Naaa . . . she's just a little weird . . . that's all," he said.
"I don't know . . . something abut her . . . " I said as I began to
unfold the paper.
Once open, I stared at the strange site before me.
"What is it? Let me see." Jim said.
I held it so we could both see . . .
A couple of bird's feathers and some dirt blew away with the wind
. . . the piece of paper was covered with pictograms and writing
that I couldn't understand.
"You speak any Navajo Jim?" I asked with a little laugh.
"Sorry, not a bit" he said. "Looks like we'd better find ourselves a
translator . . . huh?
"Naa . . . who the hell cares what it says anyway! Crazy old lady."
With that, I wadded it up and tossed it back toward where she was
standing.
She gave me a patronizing look and flashed me a toothless smile.
She then turned, and shuffled away.
"Come on, let's get out of here," I said.
Chapter 3
Later that night; at my home.
I was tired. It had been a long day . . . a good day . . . but a long
one nonetheless.
The stress on me over the last week was terrible; it was quite a
relief to get that verdict out of the way. Now, perhaps, I could get
back to my life again.
I took off my clothes, slipped on an old tee-shirt, and got into bed .
. . anxious for a good night's sleep.
Unfortunately, that's not what I got.
It was one of `those' nights. You know, the kind that that you just
seem to roll around . . . never really seeming to sleep. Thoughts . .
. images of the accident just kept running through my mind. I
tossed and turned for what seemed like the entire night.
Sometime around 6:00 AM, I began to break out in a cold sweat. I
felt like I had food poisoning; my stomach began to churn and
ache.
Before I knew it, I found my self kneeling in front of the toilet . . .
vomiting uncontrollably.
When it finally subsided, I crawled back into bed. Exhausted . . . I
managed to fall asleep.
I awoke at about 8:30 AM feeling sick once more.
After another visit to the bathroom, I took a look at myself in the
mirror.
"God, you look like shit," I thought.
My eyes were hollow, my complexion pale.
I spent the rest of the day (in fact . . . the next two days) laid up in
bed. I had no appetite and didn't eat a thing for over 48 hours. It
was awful. It seemed that every half-hour or so . . . I was back in
the bathroom. If I wasn't urinating every two seconds, I was either
throwing up or had diarrhea. It was terrible, I could never
remember being this sick before.
Finally, late Sunday night, things began to break a bit. I managed
to hold down a glass of water, and crawled into bed around 9:00
PM.
I awoke the next morning to the sounds of my alarm. I turned it off
and sat up with the hopes that I'd be able to make it into work. As
I tried to stand though, I realized that there was just no way. I was
so weak, so dehydrated . . . I could hardly move without every bone
in my body aching.
I went into the bathroom and glanced at myself in the mirror as I
passed.
"Jesus Christ!!!" I gasped. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
"My God! I look like a skeleton."
My face was thin and hollow . . . my eyes sunken.
I slipped off my shirt and took a gaze at the rest of my body.
I was emaciated . . . by the looks of my reflection, I bet I'd lost
at least fifty pounds over the weekend.
My thin skin seemed to cling to every bone on my body like wet
paper.
I turned and headed over towards the scale.
My eyes almost bugged out of my head as it displayed . . . 104
lbs.!!
"This can't be!" I quipped. "I weighed over 175 lbs. just the other
day!"
In shock, I went back into the bedroom and dug out some clothes.
I had no choice . . . I was going straight to the hospital.
While getting dressed, I noticed something else. Not only had I lost
weight . . . but I had shrunk as well! My clothes hung on me like a
sack. It was almost like a kid in his father's clothes. I had to roll
my pant legs up at least 6 inches so that I wouldn't trip.
I looked ridiculous . . . so I took them off and opted for a pair of
black nylon running shorts & a white tee-shirt. Fortunately, they
both seemed to fit me a little bit better.
I took another quick look at myself in the mirror, grabbed my car
keys and wallet, and headed out to the car.
As I turned to shut the front door behind me, I saw something
placed on the brick pavers near my door. I reached down and
picked up a small envelope. I opened it and pulled out its contents.
It was a note that said:
"Do not worry.
Your sickness is only a passing phase.
Things will get better before they get much worse.
You will pay."
I recognized the paper, the ink, the penmanship . . . it was from the
old woman!
I quickly got into my car and pulled out of the driveway. But
instead of making a right at the end if my street (toward the
hospital), I made a left. I was heading for the desert. I had myself
an old woman to find!
Chapter 4
4:00 PM; some 150 miles outside of town.
It seemed to have taken all day, but after driving around the
reservation for hours and asking countless people directions . . . I
finally managed to find my way to the home of an old woman that I
believed was the one I was looking for. I had been to at least a
dozen places already with absolutely no luck at all. I didn't think it
would be this difficult, but I wasn't going to stop until I found her.
I got out of my car and began to make my way up the decrepit
driveway. As I did, some nearby people began to stare. I felt their
eyes burn holes in me as I made my way toward the front door.
But just as I raised my hand to knock, the door opened first.
Staring at me was the face of `THE' old woman . . .
"You are not welcome here" she said as she pushed me backward
away from the door. "You have no place here . . . go home and
suffer your fate."
"My fate?" I asked. "So you DO have something to do with this!
You've done this to me?!"
"No" she said as she shook her trembling finger at me. "You've
done this to yourself! Now leave . . . the sight of you makes me
sick."
"But please, I beg you. Stop whatever it is your doing to me . . .
I'll give you anything. What is it you want? Money? I'll pay you
anything . . . just make this stop. Please."
"You disgust me" she snapped. "Do you think that money is fair
payment for the price of my husband's life!!"
"But please" I pleaded. "It was an accident! I swear it was an
accident!"
Her eyes became narrow and angry. "Accident!! How dare you
call it an accident! You and that cheap whore of yours . . . you
killed my husband . . . and now you all must pay. She was here
too . . . over an hour ago, begging like a sniveling dog. I told her
what I would tell you. Justice is blind . . . you cannot buy or talk
your way out of it . . . you will see. Justice will find you . . . the
spirits have made it so. Now go!"
"Listen . . ." I began. But just then I was grabbed from behind by
a couple of guys. In my weakened state, I could hardly put up a
fight as they dragged me back to the car.
"Please!" I shouted. "I beg you . . ."
It was no use. She had gone back inside; and with these two goons
standing over me . . . I was going nowhere except back home.
Chapter 5
6:30 PM -
A deserted mountain road; some 50 miles outside of town.
I looked over at the clock on the dash.
"Not too bad" I thought. "I seem to be making pretty good time.
I'm glad I decided to try this shortcut."
All of the sudden, my radio began to fade . . . the car started to
loose power.
"What the fuck?!" I hissed in disgust.
I looked down at the dashboard and saw the voltmeter jumping
around like a hot potato.
"God damn it! Fucking alternator . . . it's got to be the God damn
alternator!"
All at once, the car went dead as I coasted to a stop along the side
of the road.
"Shit!!" I yelled. "This is great, just fucking great!!"
I reached into the glove compartment to grab my cellular phone,
but I came up empty.
"Fucking son of a bitch!" I screamed. "This is even better . . . I
forgot my damn phone . . . just fucking great!!"
I slammed my hands on the steering wheel in anger.
After a few minutes, I regained some composure. I was in the
middle of nowhere; nothing for miles around, and it was going to
be getting dark soon. There weren't a whole lot of options. I had
no other choice but to sit around and hope for someone to pass by.
Unfortunately, this old mountain pass was rarely traveled . . . I was
worried that it could be days before someone stumbled across me.
What was I going to do? I had no food, no water . . .
I tried to stay calm; I knew that getting all bent out of shape wasn't
going to do me any good. So I sat in the car, and began to wait.
After about 20 minutes, a strange feeling started to come over me.
I stepped outside to get some fresh air. As I stood up, my body
began to cramp.
"Ugh" I moaned.
The aching increased as the muscles in my body began to twitch
with energy.
It had been a weird couple of days since the verdict, but nothing
could have prepared me for what happened next:
The feeling in my legs began to intensify . . . I looked down and
could only drop my jaw in shock.
Before my very eyes, my legs began to change. Quickly they
began to alter . . . shifting in shape . . . lengthening . . . I could
feel
my bones stretching!! I was numb as I watched the hair on my legs
contract back into my body.
Then, all at once . . . the feeling began to grow in my arms. My
fingers knotted up in pain. My arms trembled as they began to
shift in form. I felt a burning in my finger tips as I clenched my
fists to try to alleviate the pain. Within seconds, I felt my
fingernails digging into the palms of my hands. I spread out my
fingers in horror to see that my nails were at least an inch long!!
"Oh my God!! What's happening to me!!!" I shrieked.
I gripped my head as my face began to burn. I pulled my hands
over my face and screamed in agony. Every nerve was on fire . . .
every sense on overload. I felt hair . . . falling over my hands . . .
flowing down my neck . . . onto my back!
I fell to the ground and doubled over as I felt my insides begin to
churn.
"Make it stop!" I yelled. "Make it stop!"
All at once my crotch began to ache. My penis was on fire . . . it
felt like someone had just kicked me in the balls. But the pain
slowly changed to a tugging sensation.
I reached my hands into my pants . . . trying desperately to
comprehend what was happening.
But the only thing I could grab was air. My cock and balls
withered away in less than a minute. Before I knew it . . . they
were gone!
"Oh my God!!" I was hysterical. "Noooo!"
I hardly had time to think, as my ass began to swell uncontrollably.
I gripped it tightly as I felt my flesh inflate and my body fat
redistribute itself. My pelvis began to hurt, I gripped my hips
tightly. They began to shift . . . to pull apart . . . all I could do
was watch!
As I doubled over in pain, the tingling in my chest was a dead give
away for what was next. I didn't want to look . . . I didn't want to
touch them. But I could feel my nipples begin to swell. Behind
each one, the pressure began to mount. And then, as if a dam had
just bust . . . they began to inflate. Within seconds, it felt as if
there was at least 10 pounds hanging from my tiny ribcage. My
hands instinctively reached down. My petite fingers dug into two
massive breasts. As I did so, I could feel my huge nipples pressing
into the palms of my hands through my thin tee-shirt.
As the pain faded, I started to weep uncontrollably as everything
began to sink in.
"I don't want to be a woman!! Please! Noooo!" I screamed as the
sound of my voice echoed through the canyons.
"How could this have happened?!! How?!"
But what was done . . . was done.
After a few moments, I got up and staggered towards the car. My
breasts jiggling with every step I made.
As I sat down in the driver's seat, I pulled the rear view mirror
toward me so that I could see my reflection.
I couldn't believe the sight before me. Staring back at me was an
incredibly seductive woman.
"My eyes . . . Oh my God, my eyes" I gasped.
They had remained virtually unchanged . . . softened a bit perhaps .
. . but most definitely my eyes.
I touched my face in disbelief; allowing my fingers to explore every
new contour of my altered shape. I slowly ran my fingers up into
the hair above my forehead . . . my eyes following in astonishment
at the mounds of flowing hair falling between my fingers.
My gaze shifted downward toward the sight of my protruding
chest. My breasts were so large, that they blocked my view from
going any further. I allowed my hands to touch them once more.
Their weight was incredible . . . it was such an odd sensation. I
quickly slid my hands underneath my tee-shirt and allowed them to
explore further. As they slid over my erect nipples, erotic
sensations began to course through my veins.
"Unbelievable" I gasped.
I opened the door and stepped out so that I could stand. Still
unable to see below my jutting breasts; I slid my right hand
downward into my pants. First a trim, flat stomach . . . then a tiny
bit of sparse pubic hair . . . and then (not to my surprise) . . .
"Oh my God" I cried. "It's gone!"
My fingers continued downward until they found the smooth,
formless crotch of a woman.
I shuttered at the new sensations; my heartbeat quickening from the
new feeling.
As I explored some more, my index finger slid gently between my
parting lips. I squatted slightly to allow myself better access . . .
the feeling was so foreign, so strange.
All of the sudden my erotic exploration was interrupted by lights.
I quickly jerked my hand from my pants and turned my head to see
a car approaching.
"Thank you Lord" I mumbled as I reached into the car to gather
my belongings. My car keys . . . my wallet . . .
"Damn it!! Where's my wallet?!" I said in frustration.
There wasn't much time; I flagged down the oncoming vehicle.
A dark green minivan came to a halt right next to me. As I
approached, the passenger side window rolled down.
Inside the vehicle, a good looking man leaned over toward the
window.
"What seems to be the problem . . . miss?" he said as his eyes
began to check me out.
"My car's dead. I think it's my alternator. I could really use a
lift" I said.
"I'm sure you could" he responded in a sarcastic tone. "The desert
sure isn't any place for a pretty young thing like yourself. You
never know what could happen, and besides . . . the temperature is
dropping. In another hour or so, it'll be damn near freezing out
here."
I looked at his disingenuous grin and said, "So I take it that's a
yes?"
"Well I think it could be arranged . . ."
"Arranged?" I said. "What do you mean by that?"
"Well . . . you know . . . I'd expect a little thank you."
I looked at him perplexed.
"You know . . ." he continued. "A little . . . how do you say . . .
payment. If you catch my drift."
The look on his face said it all. He wanted me to have sex with
him!
"Are you kidding?!" I yelled. I recoiled and put my hands to my
face; trying to gather my thoughts and composure.
"Suit yourself lady. It's a long, long walk to town. . . and I very
well may just be the last car to pass by tonight. Who knows, I
might even be the last car for a couple days. But if that's what you
want . . . it's alright with me."
He turned away and started to roll up the window.
I began to panic.
"OK, OK!!" I hollered in desperation.
He reached over and opened the door. "Hop on in" he said as he
gave me a devilish little look.
Chapter 6
The van moved quickly over the bumpy road. I had an urge to
grab my breasts and stop them from bouncing, but I didn't want to
accelerate what I knew was soon coming.
After a couple of minutes, he reached his hand over and placed it
on my knee. I had to fight every reflex I had not to pull it back.
"I getting pretty cold out missy . . . why don't you come over here
and give me a little warm-up."
The sick smile on his face said it all.
"Look Mr." I said. "I don't know if I can do this . . . I mean . . . if
you want to drop me off out here, that's fine . . . but I'm just not
about to have sex with you. I just can't make myself do it."
"Ah come on now . . ." he said in a light hearted way. "You didn't
think I wanted . . . well, you know . . . intercourse did you?"
He let out a little laugh. "Nah . . . I was just thinking of something
a little simpler."
His eyes looked down at the bulge in his pants.
"You know what I mean?" he said.
"I not sure Mr." I said softly. "I really . . ."
"Aww come on . . ." he interrupted. "A little blow job in return for
being rescued from the desert? That doesn't seem like too much to
ask . . . now does it?"
"I . . . I still don't know." I muttered. "it's just that I . . ."
All at once the car began to break. We came to a screeching halt.
He turned and said, "Well . . . I guess this is where we part ways
then."
My heart began to race. I looked at the clock on the dashboard . . .
it was getting late . . . we were in the middle of nowhere. I
panicked . . .
"Alright!" I said in haste. "Just don't leave me out here . . . OK?"
Once again the car began to accelerate.
Within a few moments I was kneeling in between the seats with my
face only inches from another man's crotch. I couldn't believe
what I was about to do . . . but since the alternative could be much,
much worse . . . I didn't really have any choice.
He unzipped his pants and slid them down to his ankles as he
continued to drive.
I tried not to think about what was happening . . . but when I saw
his engorged cock in front of my face, it was difficult not to.
"Why don't you take that shirt of yours off?" he said.
"Anything to buy myself a few more minuets" I thought.
I slowly pulled the skin tight tee-shirt up over my head, exposing
my breasts to the already excited man.
I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I closed my eyes and bent
over towards his lap. My huge tits dangled on the bare skin of his
right leg; my erect nipples pressing gently into him.
I wrapped my hands around the base of his cock and opened my
mouth. I pulled back slightly and decided that I'd better work my
way into this . . .
I began to lick the shaft of his penis instead.
He began to moan with pleasure.
I couldn't believe what I was doing.
Then after a minute or two, I decided to take the plunge.
I opened my mouth and allowed my lips to spread over the head of
his rock hard cock.
"Oh yeah!" he moaned.
I opened up a little bit more and allowed it to enter further. As it
did . . . It took all I had to fight the urge to spit it out.
My heart was pounding.
"Oh God" I thought. "Make this get over fast . . . please let it be
over fast."
I felt his body squirm again.
"That's right you little whore . . . suck it good now!"
Then it came to me . . . as disgusting as it seemed, I realized that
the only way to end this was to make him cum. So . . . I decided to
bite my pride, and fight my natural instincts . . . I needed to `get
him off' as quickly as possible.
Since I was a man just a couple of hours ago, I had little trouble
remembering what I needed to do.
I slowly began moving my head up and down . . . letting out little
moans along the way. I wanted him to think I was turned on.
Then I raised my head up and whispered "It's so big . . . so hard."
That was all he needed to hear . . . he grabbed the back of my head
and drove it down over his cock.
As I continued to moan and make sucking noises . . . he quickly
began to unbutton his shirt.
"Oh my God" he said in a carnal tone. "I think I'm gonna cum
soon!!"
I hastened my pace and began to groan a little louder. Once more,
he grabbed my hair and held my head fast.
My moans turned to choking sounds as I tried to gasp for air; the
muffled sounds of my voice inaudible.
Then . . . all at once . . . it hit. Like a hot volcano erupting . . .
his
semen began to fill my mouth. It seemed endless . . . there was so
much . . . nowhere for it to go . . . some oozed out of my mouth as
I tried to gasp for air . . . some shot up through my nose as I tried
to breath.
"Ah!!" he screamed with pleasure. "Un-fucking-believable!!"
He still held my head firmly over his cock as his ejaculation
subsided. I was choking . . . I needed air . . . I had no choice but to
swallow.
As I squirmed to pull away . . . I noticed something out of the
corner of my left eye. I turned my head slightly to get a better
look.
There . . . before me . . . just underneath his navel . . . was a tattoo.
A little purple heart with a yellow `smiley face' in the middle!!!
My heart pounded . . . my emotions intensified.
It was her!! He was her!! The stripper that I had picked up on that
fateful night.
I let out a scream at the top of my lungs, and pushed off with all of
my might to get away from him/her.
As I did . . . my shoulder hit the steering wheel.
All at once, the world around me was silent.
.............................
A few hours later, Officer Wilcox responded to a 911 call from a
passing motorist.
When he arrived at the scene of the crash . . . both passengers were
dead.
The First: A man with his pants pulled down around his ankles.
He had a strange tattoo near his navel.
The Second: A topless hooker with semen all over her face.
"Jesus" he thought. "Haven't we had enough of this kind of stuff
lately?"
As he wrote out his accident report, he couldn't help but think to
himself, "Well, at least I won't have to lie about this one in court."
The End