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From: Uther Pendragon <anon584c@nyx.net>
Subject: {ASSM} Celestial Reviews 321 - March 28, 1999
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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Celestial Reviews 321 - March 28, 1999
Note: A young virgin who was going out on a date for the first time told her
grandmother about it. So the grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you
about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like
that, but don't let him do it.
"He is going to try to feel your breast. You are going to like that, but don't
let him do it.
"He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like
that, but don't let him do it.
"But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way
with you. You are going to like that. But don't let him do that. It will
disgrace our family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. Afterwards, she
could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
"But, Grandmother," she concluded; "I didn't let him disgrace the family. When
he tried, I turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced his family!"
Second note: A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls
into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the
farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around
the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse,
and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and
the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and
get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the
hole!" So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my
'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken does so and puicks.
Third note: On or around Feb 12 somebody sent me two very short stories to
review. They are entitled "Parking" and "Cindy." They apparently came as an
attached file with an email message, but there is no name of the author, and
there is no evidence that they have ever appeared on a.s.s.*. I will review
these stories, but only if the author will post them and give me a name. {It
doesn't have to be a real name.}
Fourth note: Even though someone else is posting this for me, my address is
still celeste801@aol.com.
Blowjob Principle: My contribution to the world of which I am the proudest is
my proclamation of the Blowjob Principle, which states, "If you ever want to
get a second blowjob, you should do something to make the giver happy about
having given you the first blowjob." These stories are blowjobs. If you want
to keep on getting good stories, you should do something to make the authors
glad they wrote the ones you have already read and enjoyed.
You may find this hard to believe, but even really good writers like to hear
from their audience. One of the best things you can do is send the author a
little note that says, "I really liked your story because…."
As far as I know, all the authors of the stories I review receive no
compensation beyond the satisfaction of writing these stories, and your
response can contribute to that satisfaction. The Blowjob Principle is
applicable to all areas of life. For example, if your English teacher does a
good job, she's more likely to repeat that performance if you make her happy
that she went through all the trouble to prepare the lesson so well.
So remember the Blowjob Principle: "If you ever want to get a second blowjob,
you had better make the giver happy about having given you the first one."
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"Alone in Berlin by (Revised)" Lucinda Gavin (phone sex) 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=409268367
"On the Virtue of Having Your Ribs Crushed" by Losgud (mild bdsm)
9, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=408988219
"The Dancer", by Tiramisu (romance with dancer) 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?458860701
"Triked, Tricked, Trolloped" by David Shaw (airborne rape)
8.5, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457158799
"The Choice" by Artie (mysterious forces) 9.5, 9.5, 9.5
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year99/19287.txt
"Consanguinity" by MichaelD (romance) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915141
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915131
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915121
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915136
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915127
"White Wedding" by Rosa (romantic stroke story) 8, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446008884
"My First Time" by h_wolf (boy & older woman) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?438965154
"Beauty-An Erotic Fairy Tail" by CL Braxton (romance)
8, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?454460543
"Butterflies on a Mirror" by Sidney Durham (poignant romance)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457498629
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"The Bodysuit" by Elena (romantic sex). Kivi: 7, 8, 8,
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?454794319
"The Ritual" by Ami (and Sasha) (ff encounter). Jubjub: 9, 9.5, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=454136796
"Calling at Doncaster." by Elena (train sex fantasy) 10, 8 , 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452535944
"Beachbum" by Losgud (sex on the beach). Crimson: 7, 8, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=408691206
"A Lesson for Ken" by Solange LaFemme (threesome). Myers: 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?413451291
"Birthday Time" by Artie (celebration sex). Echo: 8, 5, 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?409321569
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"Alone in Berlin (Revised)" by Lucinda Gavin (lostgirl33@hotmail.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=409268367
The woman is alone at a conference in Berlin. She dials up a friend. All we
really know about the friend is that he is a colleague, that he is someplace
else, and that the two of them do not already have a sexual relationship with
each other. They talk awhile and then engage in mutually satisfying phone sex.
Then the lonely lady isn't lonely anymore.
The way the author tells it is a bit more interesting.
There's a lack of focus in the story, but I think the author did that on
purpose to help convey the feeling of loneliness. Overall, it was a pretty
good story.
Ratings for "Alone in Berlin"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"On the Virtue of Having Your Ribs Crushed" by Losgud (lushgod@hotnomail.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=408988219
First, in a pre-imaginative state, the female on the telephone tells the male
that she is a bit miffed about something and that she would like to hug him so
hard that the hug would crack a couple of ribs. Then the imagination kicks in.
To atone for this offense she will have to masturbate in front of him while he
spanks her until she reaches orgasm. But then he imagines spanking her once
too often – that is, he lands a blow of the hand while she is already coming.
Therefore, he has to imagine atoning to her.
These people need an accountant. Or maybe an assistant principal in charge of
discipline.
Everything in this story happens in the imagination – not just in the
imagination of the author, but in the imaginations of the characters whom the
author is imagining. Imagine that. I think this approach was part of a sincere
attempt at creativity, but it eventually entails many of the unsatisfying
elements of a "you" story, where the reader is likely to have trouble
identifying with anyone specific in the story.
The actual sex is pretty hot.
Ratings for "On the Virtue of Having Your Ribs Crushed"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"The Dancer" by Tiramisu (tiramixu@my-dejanews.com) .
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?458860701
Sometimes I get authors mad at me by telling my readers too much about a
particular story. I think this author would prefer a vague description along
with a simple statement that this is a good story.
The general context focuses on a lonely businessman and a lonely woman who
dances for lonely businessmen. The two form a bond with each other. The story
adds some interesting details.
I thought the grammar on this one was going to be disastrous, but then it
turned out that the author had merely made a typo in the first line.
I would advise Tira (and almost all the rest of you) to share your next story
with someone else before posting it – someone who is willing and able to give
honest advice. That one-day delay to get someone else's input can lead to a
substantial improvement. Many stories, like this one, need just a little
additional push to go from good to excellent.
Ratings for "The Dancer"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Triked, Tricked, Trolloped" by David Shaw (david@f-e-mail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457158799
This story takes place on a beach down in the southwest corner of Western
Australia. Sandra and Jeff are bickering over their problems with their
Suzuki, which is stuck in the sand in the middle of nowhere. Their hostilities
are disrupted by the arrival of a man in a microlight (or an ultralight),
which is a weird, three-wheeled flying vehicle, sort of like an overgrown hang
glider. It's also called a trike; hence the first word of the title.
The man, Brett Reynolds, offers to give the woman a ride back to work in his
plane; but he has other things on his mind. Hence the second word of the
title. Brett's chicanery is more understandable after you read the description
of Sandra's physiognomy. Oh, and Brett has to steer from the back seat while
Sandra sits in front of him – between him and the controls – and her tits
don't quite fit in the humpsuit, er flight suit. But they make good knobs.
It turns out Brett is a whinging bastard, which is apparently a technical term
for an Australian SOB who likes to spend "a nice day flying around, see a
sheila you fancy, swoop down, pick her up, squeeze her teats, make her
helpless, and then spend a happy afternoon giving the stupid bitch the
thorough shafing she deserves for her trusting stupidity." Hence the third
word of the title.
I liked this story. The plot is really not all that great, but until now I
didn't even know Aussies from the bush could write coherently. It's like what
Samuel Johnson said about the dancing bear: you don't worry about how well
they do it, but you marvel that they do it at all. What I mean to say, amidst
my incoherent insults is that the ambience of the story is better than the
story itself.
Another reason I liked this story was that it has given me an opportunity to
tell my only slightly Australian sex joke that doesn't contain the phrase
"down under":
After working for many long years, a hooker finally decides to retire. Fearful
of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been
with so many perverted men over the years, she feels that she needs a change
and commits to marrying only a virgin male approximately the same age as
herself.
She takes out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world, seeking a
male virgin approximately 55 years old. She finally narrows her choices down
to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she
is convinced that he indeed had never been with a woman and they are soon
afterward married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to
change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has
taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner.
Thinking this rather kinky, she says to her husband, "I thought you had never
been with a woman before."
He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're
going to need all the room we can get!"
Ratings for "Triked, Tricked, Trolloped"
Athena (technical quality): 8.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Choice" by Artie (artie@netgate.net).
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year99/19287.txt
The author recently sent me this story to review. I'm glad he sent it to me,
but in a way, it isn't really fair. What in the world can I write about this
story that won't ruin it for you?
If I try to summarize it without telling you the ending, my summary will make
no sense. You'll say, "That makes no sense." Or, "Why the hell would someone
do something like that?" Anticipating your problem, I would either have to
tell you more or start a different summary.
So, screw it! This is a story about a boy who is alienated from both of his
parents, because they have divorced and are using him as part of their petty
power struggle. He enjoys reading and makes a choice that changes his life.
"That makes no sense." Tough. You'll just have to read the story yourself.
Ratings for "The Choice"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"Consanguinity" by MichaelD (MichaelD38@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915141
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915131
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915121
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915136
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457915127
In a note at the very beginning of this story the author says, "I have not
completely coded this story because the complexity of the plot requires that I
not give too much away at the beginning. Be forewarned, however, that this
story contains a few things that may turn off the easily squicked." After
reading the story, I think I get the point. But if the author really doesn't
want to give the plot away, why have <consanguinity> as the only word in the
title?
Well, I'm not going to screw up the story for you. If you wish, you can
assume that the story is about saltwater in the blood of the main characters.
{That would be "Salinity" – But it would at least throw you off track.} This
is a well-written story that left me with a feeling of frustration at the end.
I think the author wanted to convey frustration and incompleteness, but
perhaps he overdid it just a little. On the other hand, if everybody wrote
stories that were this good, a lot of my frustration would go away. Go
figure.
Ratings for "Consanguinity"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"White Wedding" by Rosa (rosa6262@yahoo.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?446008884
The narrator has been invited by a former boyfriend to be a member of the
wedding party when he marries his blushing bride. The narrator arrives at the
wedding dressed fit to be screwed, and in fact screws everyone she can lay her
hands or mouth on. Then she goes on the honeymoon with the happy couple.
I know this plot sounds lame, but plot and character development are not
exactly the goal of this story. Maybe a lame plot is all you need for a good
stroke story. This is not Rosa's best story, but it may turn out to be her
most popular.
Ratings for "White Wedding"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"My First Time" by h_wolf (posted by M.T.Head <mthead@nym.alias.net>).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?438965154
M.T.Head, who posted this story, expressed a wish that this author might
resurface. I second that emotion.
I refer to this type of story as the "Summer of 41" genre. That was the first
movie I saw with a teenager fucks older woman theme, and it seems like a
better way to describe this sort of story than to use the more sordid mF or
ped labels.
Basically, our 15-year-old male narrator is a close friend of Nancy, whose
mother is a rehabilitated frumpy housewife who needs a self confidence boost
before she resumes dating after her divorce. She pulls the ole cold lemonade
in the lap trick to get our hero out of his clothes. They play billiards in
the basement, and pretty soon his cue stick is getting harder. Much to my
surprise (but less to yours, since you have read this sentence), she reins
herself in. The boy goes home sans fuck.
No, it's not a cock teaser. They eventually do fuck, and it's pretty hot
stuff. Like M.T.Head said, it would be nice if this author would resurface.
Ratings for "My First Time"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Beauty-An Erotic Fairy Tail" by CL Braxton
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?454460543
I came across this story by accident – while I was serching DejaNews for a
different story that contained the words "Jake" and "parking." I never did
find the other story, but this one made it worth the trip.
I expected a parody of a fairy tale, perhaps "Sleeping Beauty" or "Little Red
Riding Hood"; but what I got was a unpretentious sexual fantasy about two
people who meet at the supermarket and then go to her house and make love.
It's a fairy tale in the sense that it is a simple, romantic fantasy.
The story contains a few anomalies. For example, Lynn has an immediate orgasm
the first time she looks Jake in the eye. And then the author casually
mentions that Jake has continued to suckle at his mother's breasts into
adulthood. Not that many people do either of these things; but then, this is a
fairy tale. I won't even mention that Jake has a 9-inch dick. I think this is
called a magic wand. They appear often in fairy tales.
The story is written in a s simple, straightforward style and really is pretty
good.
Ratings for "Beauty-An Erotic Fairy Tail"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Butterflies on a Mirror" by Sidney Durham (sidney_durham@my-dejanews.com ).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?457498629
Occasionally I berate authors for a lack of balance – for not knowing what to
include in the story. I accuse them of including irrelevant details. Then I
read this story and discover that one of its strengths is its inclusion of
irrelevant details. That's hard to explain; but believe me, it works.
This is a story about a man who has been in an unloving marriage for a long
time. For many years he has been attracted to a friend of the family, but he
knows that nothing can come from that relationship. That may sound depressing,
but "poignant" is a better word for this story – poignant and romantic.
Actually, right now I can't recall whether this story actually contained any
explicit sex. All I know is that it was a very sexy story. I'm going to look
and see if it contained the good stuff, but I'm not going to tell you. You'll
have to look for yourself.
Ratings for "Butterflies on a Mirror"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"The Bodysuit" by Elena (silverlink@altavista.net). Guest review by Kivi
Kepler.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?454794319
As far as "MF, rom" stories go, this is the real deal right here. To be
completely honest, when I see that particular heading to a story, it gets
ignored almost immediately in favor of stories with more "imagination". Looks
like I'm going to have to revise my policy.
In fact, I revised my policy so much, I went back to my DejaNews power
search to look up works from the same author. Elena certainly has a good
imagination within the bounds of straight sex. "The Bodysuit" is no
exception.
The story starts out in the familiar setting of a woman preparing for a
date. She chooses an article of clothing that is unusual for her, which leads
to an interesting evening of romance and sex, mostly centered around her
choice of underwear.
The sex scene is depicted very well, and one can tell that the author
makes an attempt to add emotion to the descriptions of physical sensations and
actual action. Elena takes care to describe the positions and other details
very carefully, which adds to the realism of the story.
The use of a condom also adds to the realism, but takes away the general
arousal factor in general. This may just be a personal squick of mine, but
contraceptives seem a little out of place in fantasy fiction. However, the
author does an excellent job of not letting the condom take over the story.
My biggest gripe about the story is the tone. Rather than sounding like
a story, it comes across as sounding like a woman recounting her date and
activities to an audio diary or a close friend. While that in itself isn't a
bad thing, it does seem to take away from the "rom" in the story header. To
Elena's credit though, she writes a believable story with enough interesting
elements to warrant searching for her other stories on my server.
Ratings for "The Bodysuit"
Athena: 7
Venus: 8
Kivi Kepler: 8
"The Ritual" by Ami (and Sasha) (amiandsasha@my-dejanews.com). Guest review by
Jubjub.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=454136796
Story Summary: Two women on a Saturday afternoon in Suburbia
This is a very nice story. It did take a bit for the story to get going, but
it definitely had a nice feel and decent style.
The narrator is having her normal Saturday visit with her neighbor from down
under. She has always been attracted to her and decides to read an erotic
story she had written about the two of them. Events take off from there.
The formatting was slightly off in the version I downloaded. It had
incomplete lines and strange symbols. If you don't like to work to get a
story into shape, you might not be too enthusiastic about this story. The
style didn’t always flow well, either. But, technically, this story was more
than competent.
Characterization was more than adequate. The story seemed a bit repetitive in
the beginning, but generally picked up once the introductions were out of the
way. The characters were not especially fleshed out. More depth in the
narrative character and her motivations would have made this story nearly
perfect. But maybe I'm just being picky.
But I must say that this was one of the best stories I’ve read. It didn’t
quite seem right in places but I got a rise out of it, so it passed one of the
crucial tests for stroke stories.
Ratings for "The Ritual"
Technical: 9 Format caused problems. Style was uneven in places.
Characterization and Plot: 9.5 Characters could have used a bit more
fleshing out.
Appeal: 9.5 Excellent story. Definitely got a rise.
"Calling at Doncaster" by Elena (silverlink@altavista.net). Guest review by DG
(dionysian1@hotmail.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452535944
This is a short vignette about a woman on a long boring train trip who finds
herself fantasizing about a handsome fellow passenger to pass the time. The
vividness of her imagination and the strong vibrations of the train combine to
make her fantasy more fulfilling than she expects.
I really like the idea of a woman having a sex fantasy about a male stranger.
Men fantasize about female strangers all the time, and those of us who are
sensitive and enlightened tend to feel vaguely guilty about it. So I like to
read about a women doing the same thing.
This is the sort of story I find hard to rate - it's well-written and
evocative, but isn't long enough to contain much plot or character
development. Giving it a middling rating suggests that there is something
wrong with it, which there isn't, but giving it a high rating isn't fair to
more ambitious and well-rounded stories. So let me say that it is well worth
the short time it takes to read it, and that I look forward to reading other
stories by Elena.
Ratings for "Calling at Doncaster"
Technical: 10
Plot and Character: 8
Overall appeal to DG: 8
"BeachBum" by Losgud (lushgod@hotnomail.com). Guest review by Crimson Dragon.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=408691206
Sunscreen. If you do nothing else in your life, use it or by the time you're
old, your skin will be as tough and leathery as a canvas tent.
Sunblock. Gooey white stuff rubbed sensually *all* over. But wait. Don't you
have to reapply it after going in the water? Hmmm?
I like beach stories, so I liked the setting of this interlude. The author is
very good at description, giving the story an almost exotic and even poetic
taste. The small details make the story more interesting. I found myself
smiling at the eventual placement of her swimsuit bottoms, and small things
like how she bit the towel.
What makes this story difficult is the I/you perspective. Second person
writing can be effective, but not usually for a mass audience. Reserve it for
love letters and private fantasy. The author himself even apologises for the
perspective in his prelude, claiming that it just came out that way. I can
accept this explanation; I understand about stories simply appearing in a
certain mode. Losgud has every right to pen a story in whatever way suits him.
However ... I'm here as a reader, reviewing said story from a mass audience
perspective. Second person is distracting, and I have to mention that. No
matter how good the story is, I/you writing makes me stop and notice the
writing, which is something that isn't particularly desirable. It sounds more
like something he wrote for a lover ... not for me. I found myself backing up
and re-reading sentences and then discovering that it was mostly the
perspective that messed me up. I don't like returning to a sentence that I
should have understood the first time 'round.
It would have been so simple to convert this story to a first or third person
perspective and the difference in readability would have been remarkable.
Something to keep in mind.
Sentence fragments. <- That's one there. I'm not one to be fickle about
English. Well, I am, but that's not the point here. I understand that English
is a flexible language. Sometimes breaking the rules makes for interesting and
evocative prose. In this case, I found myself stumbling over sentence
fragments as I read. I think the author was aware of the fragmentation, and he
was trying to use them for effect. That's fine and even admirable, but I think
that in this case it was just a little overdone. Normally, I like a few for
effect, but I found myself tripping over some of Losgud's. I'm actually not
taking a shot here. He did a better job of using them than most authors I've
seen.
I noted a few other minor punctuation problems, mostly related to semi-colons.
They aren't easy to use correctly, I know, but incorrect usage can be very
distracting.
I found the sex reasonably well described, though I personally had trouble
relating to it mainly because of the perspective. That second person
perspective came back to haunt us. I suspect Losgud will get more out of this
story than we do as readers. I like the author's imagination though.
The story is more than marks. You probably ought to judge it for yourself. If
I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't be reviewing. I had to mark down the
technical, mainly because of the inappropriate perspective and sentence
fragmentation which was distracting and noticeable. Just so you know where
that 7 came from.
But whatever else you do, whether you read this story or not, trust me about
the sunscreen.
Ratings for "Beachbum"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Crimson (appeal to reviewer): 6
"A Lesson for Ken" by Solange LaFemme (my_masters_slave@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Dave Myers.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?413451291
I really think it would be refreshing to see more MMF stories where we get
some bisexual action between the guys. But this is not the story to hold up as
a great example of that type of plot. From the beginning, the story blatantly
gives away any suspense there might otherwise have been about how such a
coupling might be achieved. There are too many artistic attempts at sentence
fragmentation that don't really add anything. Like this one. And this one.
About the best thing that I can say about this text is that the author writes
about blowjobs very well. But everything else surrounding the Main Oral Event
is in serious need of an edit.
Rating for "Lesson for Ken": 5
"Birthday Time" by Artie
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?409321569
Granted, there are a fixed number of plot lines in the world. It's in the way
the storyteller presents the story. Yes, even for erotica. Birthday parties
planned for significant others may or may not be on that list.
In "Birthday Time," there are some lines that create pockets of description
that are wonderful. For instance, when Nancy, the girlfriend, says she's
taking her boyfriend over to another friend's house for "a quiet evening," her
boyfriend replies, "You'd make a bad poker player. I don't believe you." Nancy
laughs and pats him on the leg, "Trust me." The boyfriend laughed again, "I
did that once." Mm. Once. I wondered what the once was about. For a moment,
these characters became real. I began to wonder about them.
However, there are weak points to this piece of writing as well. Namely, it's
boring. The narrative seems more important in this case than its development.
That's dangerous for any kind of writing. This feels more like a story sketch.
Just a tip for the writer: you may want to start somewhere else in the story.
In terms of action, the story starts low and it ends low.
Part of the attraction for two people to have sex somewhere alien is the
newness. Or maybe it's the newness of the partner -- this would explain the
fascination with initial sex inside a relationship (or one-night stands I
suppose). But this author presents us with neither ... convincingly. The thing
is there is so much prospect. This author presents us in the middle of the
story with a pinata, which could be filled with anything. This I like. The
boyfriend knows about the party. No surprise. What's inside the paper mache? I
dunno. Dun dun dun dun dun.
The ending is normal. Too normal. By this I mean, why? I've gleaned nothing
significant about each of the relationships in this story. I don't know them.
I don't feel relieved when each couple pairs off -- as they arrived.
Then, there's the matter of the single people. Does the author mean single as
in not married or single as in not seeing anyone ... or single as not having
sex with anyone? I dunno.
On the plus side, this author does advocate the use of condoms in his story. I
would like to see another draft of this story.
Ratings for "Birthday Time"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 5
echo (appeal to reviewer): 5
<end>
--
Uther Pendragon anon584c@nyx.net
The Sri Lankan government includes the use of condoms in its
training for cleaning women about to take foreign jobs.
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