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Subject: Re: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 319 - March 14, 1999
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Celestial Reviews 319 – March 14, 1999
Note: {humor, ped? voy, cod} The husband and wife decided they needed to use
"code" to talk about sex without letting their children in on the secret.
They decided to employ a typing metaphor.
One day the husband told his five-year-old daughter, "Go tell mommy that daddy
needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your
daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in
the typewriter."
The child went back and told her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the mother told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type
that letter now."
The little girl immediately responded, "I think he already wrote the letter by
hand."
Second Note: {humor, penguin, oral?} A vacationing penguin is driving through
Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to
look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town
and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees
an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold
would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits
down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his
little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks
like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream."
Third note: Possible Titles for Monica Lewinsky's New Book:
1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
6. Going Back for Gore
7. Podium Girl
8. Secret Services to the President
9. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
10. Deep Inside The Oval Office
11. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
12. She's Chief of MY Staff!
13. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
14. How To Beat Off the Government
15. Going Down and Moving Up
16. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
17. Me and My Big Mouth
Fourth note: If you used to review stories for me and still want to do so but
I have not found you since my return, you may want to drop me a line. I lost
all your addresses in my computer crash.
Fifth note: Even though someone else is posting this for me, my address is
still celeste801@aol.com.
Blowjob Principle: My contribution to the world of which I am the proudest is
my proclamation of the Blowjob Principle, which states, "If you ever want to
get a second blowjob, you should do something to make the giver happy about
having given you the first blowjob." These stories are blowjobs. If you want
to keep on getting good stories, you should do something to make the authors
glad they wrote the ones you have already read and enjoyed.
You may find this hard to believe, but even really good writers like to hear
from their audience. One of the best things you can do is send the author a
little note that says, "I really liked your story because…."
As far as I know, all the authors of the stories I review receive no
compensation beyond the satisfaction of writing these stories, and your
response can contribute to that satisfaction. The Blowjob Principle is
applicable to all areas of life. For example, if your English teacher does a
good job, she's more likely to repeat that performance if you make her happy
that she went through all the trouble to prepare the lesson so well.
So remember the Blowjob Principle: "If you ever want to get a second blowjob,
you had better make the giver happy about having given you the first one."
Final note: I want to thank Techguy for helping me out by finding the Links
for the stories and for making a few important corrections for each issue.
=====================
Celestial Reviews Index:
=====================
"The Key" by Pami (quickie) 9, 7, 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386887916
"Making Love" by Bluelady (romantic poem) 9.5, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=409238869
"Traffic Incident 1 & 2" by Nick (cop & robber bondage) 8, 6, 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447050589
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=451845960
"Term Paper" by Bill Hayden (sexy flirtation) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448655236
"Love: A Play " by Prufrock54 (poem) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447987486
"Small Talk" by Prufrock54 (conversation) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448452248
"Lost Cause Club" by Shon Richards (orgy) 9.5, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247218
"Night Flight" by Al Steiner (mile-high sex) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=427481227
"The Tiepolo Encounter" by MrSpraycan (art & bdsm) 10, 10, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452510626
"Thunder Struck" by Crimson Dragon (sex during a storm)
10, 9.5, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452921792
"Relative" by NL Soldier and BlueWords (incest) 6, 4, 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452919767
"Love in an Elevator" by LeAnna (elevator sex) 9.5, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453203274
"Piracy" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com) 10, 9.5, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324348
"Please, Don't" by Neos Fyllo (suicide) 9, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324366
"Aphrodite's Revenge" by David Oberman (TV parody) 6, 5, 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907492
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907494
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907497
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907500
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907503
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907506
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907508
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907510
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907513
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907515
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Big Bend" by Rosa (sex with park ranger) Jubjub: 9.5, 8.5, 8.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446008890
"Hots for a Hooker" by J. Boswell (sex with prostitute). Myers: 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452531369
"Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within" by MichaelD38 (emerging
sexualkity). DG: 10, 10, 10
http://x11.dejanews.com/[ST_rn=qs]/getdoc.xp?AN=445639118
"A Visit with Aunt Catherine" by Gordie D (a boy and his aunt)
BillyG: 10, 7, 7
=====================
Here are the Reviews:
=====================
"The Key" by Pami (pami1968@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386887916
This is a quickie about a high school teacher who falls asleep while preparing
lessons and wakes up to find his girlfriend seated on his desk with her pussy
ready for action. She has let herself in. Then she lets him in. It's a cute
little story, if you're willing to believe that English teachers actually do
things like this.
Ratings for "The Key"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Making Love" by Bluelady (bluelady16@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=409238869
This is a simple but beautiful poem about two people making love. It speaks
for itself.
Ratings for "Making Love"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Traffic Incident" by Nick (Nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447050589
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=451845960
This reads like a true story. Nick was minding his own business when he rear-
ended a cop. No, it's not what you think. He ran his automobile into the
back of the officer's vehicle. In Texas, the cop would say, "That thar your
VEEEEhicle?" In Britain, however, the officer simply prepares to make sure
that the offender never drives again, without necessarily cutting his
testicles off.
Just as the axe is about to fall, however, the policewoman accompanying the
arresting officer recognizes Nick as a great author for a prominent Usenet
forum. And so he gets out of his ticket.
Is that all there is? Well, no. There's "Traffic Incident Part 2," in which
it's payback time. Mary the Merry Gendarme demands that Nick write a story
with her as the main character. And so he does. It's a story about a burglar
who breaks into Mary's apartment, but she catches him and makes him tie her up
and screw her. Then he robs her of all her valuables.
I think this is a variation on a blonde cop joke.
Nick has written better stories than this. If he hasn't, he should.
Now I suppose I'll have to wait to be punished for this review.
Ratings for "Traffic Incident"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"The Term Paper" by Bill Hayden (hayden@mindless.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448655236
My husband sometimes tells me that he thinks some of my students are getting a
little behind in their studies. He's proud of that little pun, and works it
in any time he can. That's the narrator's problem in this story. He's sitting
behind a young lady in class from whom he would like to get a little behind.
Lately they've been having lunch together and have been engaging in double
entendre, as should be obvious from this paragraph. And then I realized I had
already reviewed this story. It was well worth re-reading, but I don't have
time to write a separate review, because my husband says he thinks he's
getting a little behind tonight. Go figure. I'll just repost the old review,
which was one paragraph long.
The older male student is working with the younger female student on a joint
term paper in a class on Erotic Themes in Contemporary Theater." They retire
to his apartment for practical verification of their theoretical research.
The main emphasis in this story is on flirtation, and the author carries it
off very well.
Ratings for "The Term Paper"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Love: A Play " by Prufrock54 (prufrock54@my-dejanews.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447987486
This title is deceptive. "Love: A Play " is actually a poem, not a play. Well,
maybe not a poem, but at least verse. This little ditty has no really great
metaphors or passionate words of love. It's just the sort of thing that
Shania Twain could turn into a C&W hit, except that Prufrock already has a
copyright on the lyrics.
Ratings for "Love: A Play "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Small Talk" by Prufrock54 (prufrock54@my-dejanews.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448452248
This author just isn't going to any stroke material for me to review today.
This is an extremely well written story. It's almost impossible to ascertain
what it's about until the very end, and even then there's a lot of ambiguity.
But that's good.
If you read the disclaimer carefully, you'll notice that this one doesn't tell
you to go away if you're underage. That's because sex isn't even mentioned in
it. You have to add it yourself, if you have a dirty mind.
It's not really a sex story, and certainly not stroke material; but it's a
well written little story.
Ratings for "Small Talk"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Lost Cause Club " by Shon Richards (lordshon@aol.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247218
At the beginning of this story the protagonist finds that he has been
classified by his dating service as a Lost Cause. As in Hopeless Case. Now,
you might think that would be Bad News, but being a Lost Cause is bad only if
you are in a novitiate in Nazi-occupied Austria and have an excessive fondness
for hills that are alive with the sound of music and don't feel an urge to
become a stepmother for eight little rascals. In the present case, what it
means is that the dating service can't find him a permanent mate – a ball and
chain – a war department with whom he has to check in at scheduled intervals.
So even the initial disclosure is Good News. The even better news is that
instead of finding him a girlfriend, the dating service is going to find him
Happiness. As in an orgy. He's initially reluctant, but he has to go: it's
part of the Terms of Service. Incidentally, this story helped me get over
those TOS threats AOL occasionally throws my way.
This is a very good story. It was full of hot sex that was so impersonal that
I laughed my ass off. Even better, it had a misplaced modifier: "Like a
lollipop, she continued to give me long loving licks, using the flat of her
tongue to stroke me." When was the last time a lollipop licked you? That
should be, "She continued to give me long loving licks, using the flat of her
tongue to stroke me like a lollipop."
If there's ever a Lost Cause Orgy for English Teachers, I suspect I'll be
invited to it, just to check on the dangling modifiers and to separate the
aureoles from the areolas.
Ratings for "Lost Cause Club "
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Night Flight" by Al Steiner (al_steiner@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=427481227
The last time I read "Night Flight" it was by Antoine de St. Exupery. It
really sucked, in a very negative sense, possibly because my French sucked in
an even more negative sense. I think this story is different: I don't think
there were any restrooms on St. Exupery's plane. "The Little Prince" was a
much better story, probably because I read it in English.
Jeff is an accountant. Christy is a former classmate from a long time ago who
wants to become an accountant someday, but now is a flight attendant on Jeff's
night flight. Jeff used to have jack-off fantasies about Christy, possibly in
my English class. That would explain the persistent ignorance in spite of what
I thought was a sudden glimmer of recognition in the eye of a student named
Rick.
They decide to sit together and discuss whatever pops up. Get it? I made
that up myself. It's accountant humor. Well, maybe not. I have never been an
accountant, nor have I ever played one in a sex story.
Actually, they do the wild thing in the bathroom at the rear of the plane.
Afterwards, she assures him that she is a good girl and gives him a free beer.
I think that's a violation of airline rules – the free beer, that is.
Anyway, all there really is to say about this story is that it's a good one.
The overall setup for the story is well done. It supplies a good context for
the sexual activity, which is cheap and tawdry but good. I looked for a
synonym for tawdry, and my thesaurus suggested meretricious. Now there's a
word that accountants don't use very often. I think that word is reserved for
English teachers and librarians, as well it should be.
Ratings for "Night Flight"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"The Tiepolo Encounter" by MrSpraycan (mrspraycan@mailanon.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452510626
If you want to do some research on this story, you can check out the Tacita
Dean exhibit at http://www.illumin.co.uk/britishart/artists/td/td_int1.html.
Dean produced a famous film entitled "The Martyrdom of St. Agatha," which was
inspired by the very same picture that inspired the present story. You can
find an actual copy of that picture at this site. The site shows a diptych by
Dean that combines several pictures so that the ensemble gives the impression
of St. Agatha with her breasts on a plate looking up at the two nude sisters,
with one of them tweaking the breast of the other. I guess this is the sort
of thing you might expect to learn about from me, with my unending search for
aureoles and areolas in the same work of art. Actually, the text accompanying
the pictures at the web site is really weak, bordering on the otiose. So
unless you want to see The Picture and discover that Agatha was the Patron
Saint of Bellfounding (which I am going to tell you later anyway), I suggest
that you just read this story and perhaps the rest of this review.
In real Christian hagiography, St. Agatha is one of those saints (like St.
Christopher), who never really existed. Christopher means "Christ Bearer,"
and the Christopher legend bears a striking resemblance to the Aesop fable
about the fox crossing the river. The Catholic Church threw out these fake
saints back in the 1960s, much to the consternation of the people who had St.
Christopher statues next to their Plastic Jesuses on their dashboards. {The
Microsoft Word spellcheck is monotheistic. It doesn't recognize the plural of
Jesus.}
Agatha means "kindly one." The most famous saint of that name was a fictitious
virgin martyr, who died for her faith by refusing to marry the king of Sicily.
{Exactly how refusing to marry the king of Sicily constitutes dying for one's
faith is not something that is easy to explain.} In revenge, the royal bastard
ordered Agatha's breasts sliced off. Early Christian icons often showed her
carrying them on an offering dish called a patera {which is the case in the
Tiepolo masterpiece}. For reasons that we need not discuss here, in a
different series of icons St. Lucy is shown carrying her eyeballs on a patera.
Possibly in a pre-medieval attempt at regressive sex education, the amputated
breasts in these pictures were misinterpreted as bells. Therefore, Agatha
became the patroness of bell founders. I'm not putting you on here. Indeed,
the modern expression "gotcha by the balls" originated in the medieval
expression "gotcha by the bells." I AM putting you on here.
In the Catholic Encyclopedia, whose copyright has long ago expired, I found
this tidbit: " Agatha, daughter of a distinguished family and remarkable for
her beauty of person, was persecuted by the Senator Quintianus with avowals of
love. As his proposals were resolutely spurned by the pious Christian virgin,
he committed her to the charge of an evil woman, whose seductive arts,
however, were baffled by Agatha's unswerving firmness in the Christian faith.
Quintianus then had her subjected to various cruel tortures. Especially
inhuman seemed his order to have her breasts cut off, a detail which furnished
to the Christian medieval iconography the peculiar characteristic of Agatha.
But the holy virgin was consoled by a vision of St. Peter, who miraculously
healed her. Eventually she succumbed to the repeated cruelties practised on
her. As already stated, these details, in so far as they are based on the
Acts, have no claim to historical credibility."
The Encyclopedia also adds Catania {actually Catana, I think} honours St.
Agatha as its patron saint, and throughout the region around Mt. Etna she is
invoked against the eruptions of the volcano, as elsewhere against fire and
lightning. In some places bread and water are blessed during Mass on her feast
after the Consecration, and called Agatha bread. I'm not putting you on here.
In the same regions eruptions of a different kind are referred to by the
natives as Agatha cum. I AM putting you on here.
Inspired by what I had discovered, I looked up St. Agatha in Butler's "Lives
of the Saints," which was published in 1864. Disclaimer: If you think a.s.s.*
is bad, wait till you see this.
* * *
St. Agatha, Virgin and Martyr {virg, tort, breast, sheep, snuff, common stew,
no salves, no sex}
THE cities of Palermo and Catana, in Sicily, dispute the honour of her birth;
but they do much better who, by copying her virtues, and claiming her
patronage, strive to become her fellow-citizens in heaven. It is agreed that
she received the crown of martyrdom at Catana, in the persecution of Decius,
in the third consulship of that prince, in the year of our Lord 251. She was
of a rich and illustrious family, and having been consecrated to God from her
tender years, triumphed over many assaults upon her chastity.
Quintianus, a man of consular dignity, bent on gratifying both his lust and
avarice, imagined he should easily compass his wicked designs on Agatha's
person and estate by means of the emperor's edict against the Christians. He
therefore caused her to be apprehended and brought before him at Catana.
Seeing herself in the hands of the persecutors, she made this prayer: "Jesus
Christ, Lord of all things, you see my heart, you know my desire-possess alone
all that I am. I am your sheep, make me worthy to overcome the devil." She
wept, and prayed for courage and strength all the way she went.
On her appearance, Quintianus gave orders for her being put into the hands of
Aphrodisia, a most wicked woman, who, with six daughters, all prostitutes,
kept a common stew. The saint suffered in this infamous place assaults and
stratagems against her virtue infinitely more terrible to her than any
tortures or death itself. But placing her confidence in God, she never ceased
with sighs and most earnest tears to implore his protection, and by it was an
overmatch for all their hellish attempts the whole month she was there.
Quintianus, being informed of her constancy after thirty days, ordered her to
be brought before him. The virgin, in her first interrogatory, told him that
to be a servant of Jesus Christ was the most illustrious nobility and true
liberty. The judge, offended at her resolute answers, commanded her to be
buffeted and led to prison. She entered it with great joy, recommending her
future conflict to God.
The next day she was arraigned a second time at the tribunal, and answered
with equal constancy that Jesus Christ was her life and her salvation.
Quintianus then ordered her to be stretched on the rack, which torment was
usually accompanied with stripes, the tearing of the sides with iron hooks,
and burning them with torches or matches. The governor, enraged to see her
suffer all this with cheerfulness, commanded her breast to be tortured, and
afterwards to be cut off. At which she made him this reproach: "Cruel tyrant,
do you not blush to torture this part of my body, you that sucked the breasts
of a woman yourself?"
He remanded her to prison, with a severe order that neither salves nor food
should be allowed her. But God would be himself her physician, and the apostle
St. Peter in a vision comforted her, healed all her wounds, and filled her
dungeon with a heavenly light.
Quintianus, four days after, not the least moved at the miraculous cure of her
wounds, caused her to be rolled naked over live coals mixed with broken
potsherds. Being carried back to prison, she made this prayer: "Lord, my
Creator, you have ever protected me from the cradle; you have taken me from
the love of the world, and given me patience to suffer: receive now my soul."
After which words she sweetly gave up the ghost.
Her name is inserted in the canon of the mass in the calendar of Carthage, as
ancient as the year 530, and in all martyrologies of the Latins and Greeks.
Pope Symmachus built a church in Rome on the Aurelian Way under her name,
about the year 500, which is fallen to decay. St. Gregory the Great enriched a
church which he purged from the Arian impiety with her relics, which it still
possesses. This church had been rebuilt in her honour by Ricimer, general of
the Western Empire, in 460. Gregory II built another famous church at Rome,
under her invocation, in 726, which Clement VIII gave to the congregation of
the Christian doctrine. St. Gregory the Great ordered some of her relics to be
placed in the church of the monastery of St. Stephen, in the Isle of Capreae,
now Capri. The chief part, which remained at Catana, was carried to
Constantinople by the Greek general, who drove the Saracens out of Sicily
about the year 1040; these were brought back to Catana in 1127, a relation of
which translation, written by Mauritius, who was then bishop, is recorded by
Rocci Pyrrho and Bollandus.
The same authors relate in what manner the torrent of burning sulphur and
stones which issue from mount Aetna, in great eruptions, was several times
averted from the walls of Catana by the veil of St. Agatha (taken out of her
tomb), which was carried in procession. Also that through her intercession,
Malta (where she is honored as patroness of the island) was preserved from the
Turks who invaded it in 1551. Small portions of relics of St. Agatha are said
to be distributed in many places.
The perfect purity of intention by which St. Agatha was entirely dead to the
world and herself, and sought only to please God, is the circumstance which
sanctified her sufferings, and rendered her sacrifice complete. The least
cross which we bear, the least action which we perform in this disposition,
will be a great holocaust, and a most acceptable offering. We have frequently
something to offer-sometimes an aching pain in the body, at other times some
trouble of mind, often some disappointment, some humbling rebuke, or reproach,
or the like. If we only bear these trials with patience when others are
witnesses, or if we often speak of them, or are fretful under them, or if we
bear patiently public affronts or great trials, yet sink under those which are
trifling, and are sensible to small or secret injuries, it is evident that we
have not attained to true purity of intention in our patience; that we are not
dead to ourselves. We profess ourselves ready to die for Christ, yet cannot
bear the least cross or humiliation.
How agreeable to our divine spouse is the sacrifice of a soul which suffers in
silence, desiring to have no other witness of her patience than God alone, who
sends her trials; which shuns superiority and honours, but takes all care
possible that no one knows the humility or modesty of such a refusal; which
suffers humiliations and seeks no comfort or reward but from God. This
simplicity and purity of heart; this love of being hid in God, through Jesus
Christ, is the perfection of all our sacrifices, and the complete victory over
self-love, which it attacks and forces out of its strongest intrenchments:
this says to Christ, with St. Agatha, "Possess alone all that I am."
* * *
Incidentally, part of Agatha's legend may have arisen from the Christian habit
of knocking the breasts off statues of priestesses and goddesses in Greco-
Roman art.
I want you to know that there is a school right here in the United States
where students get equally interesting information at taxpayer expense almost
daily.
In MrSpraycan's story, the guy goes to the museum, where he ogles women and
watches the way they react to Tiepolo's pictures of naked women in various
degrees of distress. {Tiepolo obviously had a nasty streak of irony behind his
genius.} He meets a woman who is also inspired by the artwork, and he takes
her home for a little bdsm. I have already spent too much time on this
review. This is a good story. It doesn't live up to Reverend Butler's
standards, but it's still a good story.
Ratings for "St. Agatha Virgin and Martyr" by Rev. Alban Butler
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
Ratings for "The Tiepolo Encounter"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Thunder Struck" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452921792
Thunder and lightning often frighten me, but they can also make me feel sexy.
I suppose that's because there have been so many times that somebody I love
has wrapped his arms around me to comfort me when I have been startled by an
almost simultaneous crash of thunder and stroke of lightning. Once I realize
I'm safe, I love to cuddle up on the porch and watch the storm or make love
with the curtains open at night while we share in the wild ferocity of nature.
In the present story, Kathleen shares many of my own emotions regarding
violent thunderstorms, but she also gives vague expression to an air of poetic
mystery that makes this an especially interesting story. The author writes
simply and poetically, and the result is an excellent story.
Ratings for "Thunder Struck"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"Relative" by NL Soldier and BlueWords (bluewords@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452919767
The basic plot: Erika is upset because Richard broke her date, and so she gets
even by having some of the best sex ever with her brother, Alan. But not
until after they fight and call each other naughty names. Eventually their
mother catches them having sex. The good news is that she tells them they're
adopted (hence the question mark in the story's title line). The bad news is
that they lose interest in each other, because if it's not incest, then it's
not fun. But wait a minute! Even if they had different mothers, they have
had the same father. {Heck, for that matter they have had the same mother –
just not the person they thought was their mother. I'm not sure how they
eliminated that possibility.} So maybe they are having incest after all; and
so sex CAN still be fun!
And there's a surprise ending too.
When I reviewed "End of the Line" by Delta and Gordie in CR 316, I retracted
my generalization that whipsaw stories were usually weak. I hereby retract
that retraction. The problem here is that the authors simply did not
coordinate their efforts. Nor does either writer do anything to correct the
obvious and distracting grammatical errors of the other. The authors'
contributions blend in the sense that both are writing about incest and both
make lots of grammar errors, but it's often easy to see where one author stops
and the other begins – because the segments are sharply unrelated. {For
example, the paragraph beginning, "Alan drove into Erica…" is one place where
they shifted authors.}
Ratings for "Relative"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"Love in an Elevator" by LeAnna (leegnome@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453203274
The elevator itself is glass and it is surrounded by glass. This makes the
rider feel like she is flying, up and away, out of this world. The thrill will
be heightened because of acrophobia and by the fact that they will be
copulating during the duration.
So here's the plan. It's 2:00 a.m. Nobody else is around. They can even look
and SEE that nobody is around. The elevator has 27 floors. So they'll push
the button to call the elevator, step inside, press the button for the top
floor, and start playing tame the shrew. When they reach the top, they'll
pause just long enough to push the button to return to the first floor.
Copulation should be completed before the elevator bottoms out.
However, the best planned lays of mice and men….
This is a short but excellent story with a couple of surprises that you simply
won't anticipate.
Ratings for "Love in an Elevator"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Please, Don't" by Neos Fyllo (neos@nym.alias.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324366
The title refers to a request that the person being addressed not jump of the
edge of the building. She's the narrator's sister-in-law, and she has some
sort of manic depressive disorder that has helped get her into this bind. I
won't tell you whether she jumps or not.
There's really no reason for this story to be restricted to alt.sex.stories.
There certainly is sex by innuendo, but there's nothing explicit enough even
to offend high schoolers.
I reviewed another story ("Moments") by this author in CR 317, and at that
time I said it also was an excellent story with no explicit sex. I liked that
one better, but this author continues to show potential.
Ratings for "Please, Don't"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Piracy" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324348
In this story Lord Malinov uses piracy images to develop and deliver his plot.
Some of the images work better than others. I personally liked the overall
story better than the metaphors.
In the first part of this story the narrator and his lover watch an old
television movie about a woman being abducted by pirates. This turns her on,
and they fuck enthusiastically. In the second part of the story the two go to
a party together, and he helps the other buccaneers plunder her treasures.
The first part was slow, but the action picked up toward the end. All told, it
was a hot story.
Ratings for "Piracy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Aphrodite's Revenge" by David Oberman (d_oberman@hotmail.com).
{See links in index}
I like Xena sex stories. I really do. However, I don't have time to watch
Xena TV shows. My children and their friends are sometimes impressed at my
knowledge of Xena and Gabrielle, and I have to be careful not to disclose too
much of what I know, because they assume my knowledge is based on clandestine
viewings of the TV show, whereas in truth most of it comes from reading
parodies in this newsgroup.
This story is based on an actual episode, entitled "The Quill is Mightier," in
which Aphrodite casts a spell on Gabrielle's scroll, turning everything she
writes into reality. The present story starts with a summary of the plot of
the original story, which is itself quite complex, as the following line-out-
of-context will suggest: "When the peddler runs out of the caves with the
scroll, pursued by Minya, the barbarians and the naked Gabrielles, Thelonius
takes this to be his signal to attack."
I had given low ratings to this author for a parody of Dr. Quinn, and I looked
at this one in the hope of giving him another chance. This one is better, but
not by much. The plot quickly degenerates into triviality with too much focus
on minor details and almost childishly simplistic sex scenes. Taking the
original plot and trying to adapt it to a more sexually explicit ambience was
a good idea, but the author needs to work at it a little. As it is, the only
advantage of this story is that readers familiar with the TV series can
picture real images of the people engaging in the sexual escapades. For True
Fans, maybe that's enough. But I needed a little more story and character
development.
Ratings for "Aphrodite's Revenge"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
=====================
Guest Reviews:
=====================
"Big Bend" by Rosa (rosa6262@yahoo.com). Guest review by Jubjub.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446008890
Story Summary: A young woman finds romance in a wilderness storm.
This is a pretty good story. A young woman takes a vacation alone to Big Bend
National Park in southwestern Texas at Christmas. I've been there myself on
occasion and can attest to its attractions--though they are never mentioned in
the story.
There are a few questionable facts in this story, but it was never intended to
be a travelogue, so I ignored them. Technically, the story was very good. My
main complaint was a rather stiff style, especially the first few paragraphs.
On the other hand, there was nothing especially distracting in the technical
aspects.
The story centers around a storm that catches the young woman away from her
tent. She makes it back, strips out of her wet clothes and dives into her
sleeping bag to warm up. Later, she is joined by a ranger who came looking
for her. He is soaking wet and about to die of hypothermia. She welcomes him
into her sleeping bag. Things go predictably from there.
The characterization in this story was rather weak. Despite considerable
setup, there is little offered in the way of emotional resonance. More
attention paid to the romantic interests would have allowed this nice little
story to really take off.
As I said, I liked this story. A little more relaxed style earlier and a
quicker route to the central romantic interest (and more time spent on that
interest) would have made a better story.
Ratings for "Big Bend"
Technical: 9.5 Lacked somewhat in style
Characterization and Plot: 8.5 Characters could have used more emotional
depth
Appeal: 8.5 Good sex, but the surrounding story didn't carry well.
"Hots for a Hooker" by J. Boswell (J.BOSWELL@usa.net). Guest Review by Dave
Myers.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452531369
My goal in this review is to get you to read this story even if you don't have
the hots for hooker stories. In fact, one might go so far as to say this was
written with a very different audience in mind than just those that find plots
about prostitution engaging (which does not include me, in general, in case
you were wondering). I could write far more words concerning how the best
authors are the ones that offer something you will enjoy even if you don't
share the same fetish that they do, but instead I'll refer you to Celeste's
recent review of Leanna's "Freshly Fucked Glow" (CR318:
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452494748). She sums up some good
points there. Aspiring writers take note.
OK, enough bullshit. Foremost, this story describes two weeks of a business
trip for a man at a vulnerable point in his life. He falls hard for a
beautiful woman who is working the hotel lounge. Think "Pretty Woman" ... only
much hotter. Our sensitive new age John wants this hooker to quit the escort
game, while at the same time trying (at first) to resist the temptation to
cheat on his wife.
What really impresses me about the writing here is the depth of character that
is created for this pair. We get a very believable portrait of two lives that
seem quite out of control. Our prostitute can't seem to get enough of her
trade, taking great pleasure in being degraded over and over by repugnant
clients, including an entire room full of stag partygoers near the end. Our
confused businessman doesn't know why he can't get this woman off his mind.
Well, I've almost said too much already. You won't be disappointed if you read
to the bottom of this one.
[On a technical note, let me say that is a very literate piece. You won't find
too many stories that include both the words "gangbang" and "obsequious." One
slightly annoying misspelling that cropped up over and over is "tatoo" for
"tattoo," but this doesn't take the edge off of the action.]
Rating: 10
"Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within" by MichaelD38@aol.com.
Guest review by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com)
http://x11.dejanews.com/[ST_rn=qs]/getdoc.xp?AN=445639118
MichaelD38 made a splash on the ASS* scene this past year by posting a large
volume of well-written stories in a short period of time. He's probably best-
known for his "Summer Camp" stories, about counselors at a girl's camp who are
experts at easing pubescent girls through those difficult first sexual
experiences. This is a very common story plot on ASS, and although Michael's
contributions to the genre are creative and well-told, they don't exactly
break any new ground.
Lately, though, he has been posting shorter stories which take some chances,
and he is proving that he is indeed one of the most capable writers currently
active on our newsgroups. "Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within," deals with
his favorite theme - OK, just about everyone's favorite theme - the emerging
sexuality of teenage girls. But this time his approach is fresh, thought-
provoking, and very funny. I can't say anything more about the plot without
giving away some surprises. Just read it - you won't be disappointed.
Ratings for "Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within"
Technical: 10
Plot and Character: 10
Overall appeal to DG: 10
"A Visit with Aunt Catherine" by Gordie D ()
Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com)
http://x8.dejanews.com/[ST_rn=ps]/getdoc.xp?AN=409017598
Catherine, a married woman of uncertain age, has her nephew (by marriage),
Alex, as a house guest for a weekend while her husband is conveniently away on
a golf trip. Catherine is a controlling and manipulative women who bends the
weaker boy to her will, largely by shaming and pseudo-offence at his out-of-
control erection. Tugged along by the compelling traction of her sexuality,
he's helpless - we suspect as he really wants to be. Nonetheless, Catherine
is mercurial in her push-pull seduction, keeping Alex off guard as she
controls him.
To the degree one enjoys the domineering woman and helpless teenager boy, this
story will have appeal. But for me, I found the shallow characters and the
plot without seductive depth. Too, it has the feel of a chapter from a larger
tale. Perhaps the story before the story would have established the
connection this story needs.
Ratings for "A Visit with Aunt Catherine"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 7
<end>
--
Uther Pendragon anon584c@nyx.net
Most Pendragon stories may be found:
http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/austen/104/index.htm
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