Message-ID: <7495eli$9804021825@qz.little-neck.ny.us> From: "Jane Urquhart" <janey98@hotmail.com> Subject: Sandman's Fan Mail (Humor?) Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: <usenet-approval@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded <story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Original-Message-ID: <19980402161256.11977.qmail@hotmail.com> ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com WARNING: This article contains nasty words. Don't read it if it's illegal for you to do so. SANDMAN'S FAN MAIL (Humor?) By SNERSH A certain "Sandman" recently published one of those stupid stories you perverts read, and in it he claimed that "few people know either computers or the Net as well as" he does. That may be true, given the percentage of idiots in the population nowadays, but if he thinks he can go around hacking people's addresses with impunity, he's got another think coming. We at SNERSH have decided to teach him a little lesson. So, using our superior technology, we have simply copied all the fan mail he got the first day after he published this ridiculous opus. Here it is: ------------------------------ Not bad, fella! You'll figure out this writing stuff sooner or later. Regards, Sven ----------------------------- THE THREE SEASONS 68554 Tremont Street Boston, Massachusetts 02001 April 1, 1998 Dear Mr. Sands: Our media consultant has informed us that you recently praised fulsomely the cuisine and service of one of our competitors on one of the more conspicuous Internet fora. (Since our boss has put one of those kiddie-blockers on our network, I was unable to verify this, but our consultant usually knows what he's talking about.) He also noted that the chambermaid who cleaned up their Room 607 mentioned that it looked as if a couple of ostriches had been mating in it, but the damage was easily repaired out of petty cash, so we decided to treat the story as unprincipled, blatant hogwash. Be that as it may, we are seriously in need of publicity, even though our standards are surely higher than those of our competitor. For example, we close in the winter so that our staff members may attend continuing education courses in France and Austria. Nonetheless, since we opened only recently, our reputation has not spread so far as we would like. Our consultant also informed us that it is reliably reported that Madame Celeste, who reviews the matter published in your forum, is soon to start adding a numerical grade for the surroundings in which the stories take place. We want to get in on the ground floor. Therefore, Mr. Sands, we are offering you a week's free stay here at THE THREE SEASONS should you decide to make another foray to the Hub of the Universe. Just mention this letter when you make your reservations, and we will roll out the red carpet. We will even see that the bed is more than eight feet long, which should certainly be adequate for you and any companion you might pick up here. Very truly yours, [Illegible] Manager ------------------------------- NUDE PICS! NUDE PICS! WE HEARD YOU LIKE 'EM TALL, AND HAVE WE GOT 'EM! Our supermodels range from 4'3" to 7'2". We will, of course, as is our custom, make a special packet, just for you! Click on our website at www.noshit.com TODAY. EVERYTHING IS FREE THIS WEEK! ------------------------------ A lovely story. Your grammar is fairly good, but your punctuation leaves a good deal to be desired. Regards, ESkilton ---------------------- Dear Mr. Sands, If your the Mr. Sands that used to hang out at the Garnet Lounge in Austin I just want to say hi! I've got this little ten-year-old boy now that looks just like you. But I haven't lost my figure, and I still know how to do those kinky things we used to do! If you get to Austin, look me up at the old place. I know you'll just love Billy! Yours truly, Sunny ---------------------------- Hi, Mr. Sands-- I just loved your story! God, that hotel sounds gorgeous. I live for the day when I can get out of this burg and hit the big city. Of course I never will, unless somebody takes me. My brother's computer is the only thing that keeps me from going nuts. If you live in Texas, you can't be far away! Please come and rescue me. If you don't, I'll probly just rot away here in Muleshoe like my mom. Love, Velda Robinson --------------------------- I remember you, Mr. Sands, and you remember me, too! Now that you're all grown up, I don't see why you shouldn't drop by some day and discuss further such cultural ikons as Coleridge, Byron, Shelly and Antaeus Feldspar. I don't blush as easily now as I did back when I was a student teacher, but I see you still like to shock people. I've been teaching fifteen years now, and I've never had another student who figured out what was going in Xanadu. I'd love to see you. Au revoir, Mrs. Betsy Feldspar ------------------ You don't need to call us, Mr. Sands--we'll call you. We are going to offer you a job that no red-blooded American could possibly reject. Our computer department has pretty much crashed, and you sound like just the man to rebuild it. We are pretty sure that we can bring you in as a GS-332, which is better pay than you get from that cheap outfit you work for now. You'll love the working conditions--we're housed in a large manorial estate just outside of Langley, VA. The reason for this e-mail is that by law we are required to tell you that you are undergoing a thorough background check in order that we may offer you this truly fascinating position. You'll be hearing from us, one way or another. ------------------------- Dear Mr. Sandman: Gee, you sound wonderful! I really like writers, you know. And I bet you look just like Leo! I wish you would take me out to dinner. I don't need to go to those fancy restaurants, either--I like PapaGino's best, you know! And that Janey--all she did was let you fuck her. I can do a lot better than that. In school just the other day a boy I know taught me how to do a "blow-job." Now that was fun, and I bet you'd like it, too. And she's so o-o-o-old! You may not know it, Mr. Sandman, but young girls like me are a lot better than old women. I know 'cause my Sunday School teacher told me so. He has an old wife and all, but he said I was a lot better. He knows, too--he went to college. You said you like 'em tall, but I bet you just haven't had any good ones that were really hot. I'm five-foot-four, but I bet I can make you think I'm big enough. I thought that crack about MTV was funny. They have a lot of good stuff, and your probly right, we'd learn more there than on the Internet. Anyhow, I think you ought to call me up, and then we'd like have a ball! Just ask anybody around Jones Junior High--they'll tell you I'm really hot stuff. I think your wonderful, Mr. Sandman! I love you. Tina from Toledo ------------------------ THE WHITE HOUSE 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Northwest Washington, D.C. Dear Mr. Sands: We'd like your help. One of our advisers has suggested that we beef up our career counseling office because we have recently had occasion to find jobs for so many interns who fail to meet our qualifications, not to mention other trailer park trash who have left us suddenly and needed other employment. The person to whom you refer as "Janey" in your estimable literary work seems to have just the abilities we are looking for to fill our new post of Director of Career Counseling. Unfortunately, the CIA has been unable to find out her location, or even her e-mail address. We'd really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to suggest that she get in touch with us. Sincerely, Elwood Bourdeaux Assistant to the President ------------------------ JESUS H. CHRIST! I CAN'T EVEN THINK! Listen, I LOVE snails! All the women will hate me! Beth said, when she could control her drooling, that I should sue. But I kind of like it. Especially the part where you say I'm "staggeringly beautiful." Lots of love, Janey, having the vapours ------END--------- NOTE TO AUTHORS, POTENTIAL AS WELL AS CURRENT: Because SNERSH lacked a hotmail account, I posted this for them. (They got in touch with me by witchcraft.) They wanted me to caution you that very few authors get this much fascinating mail when they post stories, so you must not be disappointed if you get only a few uninteresting notes saying "Great job!" and stuff like that. In fact, if you get mail like this, it's plagiarism, because all this is fiction; the only one that's real is the last one. Heartfelt apologies to ESkilton, A. Feldspar, Sven the Elder and Elwood Bourdeaux, if necessary. Copyright 1998 by Jane Urquhart. ------REAL END------ -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us |