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From: Celeste801 <Celeste801@aol.com>
Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 266 - Mar14
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Celestial Reviews 266 - March 14, 1998
Note: Two Texans were standing at the bar, drinking shots, when a woman at the
other end of the bar started to choke on a small piece of Bar-B-Que Chicken
she had ordered.
Tex said to Slim, "That gal looks like she's chokin' to death. Think we
should help her?"
Slim said, "Yes siree bob!" So Slim runs down to the lady and says, "Can you
speak?" She shakes her head no.
"Are you choking to death?" he asks. She nods her head yes. The lady is
turning blue. Slim spins the lady round and slams her chest into the bar top.
Bending her over he rips off her skirt. Then he rips off her panties. Then
Slim runs his tongue up the crack of her bare ass. With this she gasps
loudly, spitting out the chicken. She begins to breathe.
Slim walks back to the end of the bar and picks up his shot glass of whiskey
and proceeds to take a drink.
Tex says, "That's great Slim."
"Ain't nothing, kid," says Slim. "That old 'Hind Lick Maneuver' works every
time."
Second note: Tired of dumb blonde jokes? Here's a dumb blond (without the e)
joke:
Two blond men were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying,
tears pouring down his face.
The other blond man asked, " Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my
finger."
The second man said, "So? That's no big deal!"
The first guy replied, "I have to take a urine test tomorrow."
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Breakfast of Champions" by Singnfool (wake-up call) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333183874
"Improvisation" by Mary Westbourne (quickie) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330253511
"Second Post" by LaGoddess (romance) 4, 5, 3
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333192808
"The Trap Door" by Lord Malinov (voyeurism & quickie)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333183821
"Innocence Not Lost" by Tristesssa (child sex-abuse) 6, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332744023
"An Outsider's Education" by fcp (romance & sexual emergence)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333790331
"An Ordinary Morning" by Thomas M. Carvett (quickie) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334051784
Guest Reviews:
"Night On Fire" by SR (cybersex)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330613612
"A Hope and A Prayer" by Generic Joe (light bdsm) 8, 9, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473316
"Look'n In" by Robert Steele (masturbation & voyeurism) 9, 9, 9
(Not Archived)
"Supergirl/Supra" by MD James (superhero rape) 10, 8, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333192766
Reposted Reviews:
* "Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (sex with a nun) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332726077
* "Supergirl and X" by MD James (superhero rape & sex) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=333188407
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Breakfast of Champions" by Singnfool (Singnfool2@aol.com). For those of you
who live far from General Mills, I'll point out that the Breakfast of
Champions is Wheaties. For those of us who rarely ingest liquor, I'll point
out that "Breakfast of Champions!" is often a sort of clever quasi-toast
uttered by drinkers before they gulp down a martini or whatever it is they are
drinking. In the present story the term refers to the ingestion of a thicker
substance shortly after a comely lass has been tenderly and ecstatically
awakened from a peaceful repose by her lover.
This is a very short but very good little story.
Ratings for "Breakfast of Champions"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Improvisation" by Mary Westbourne (mwestbourne@hotmail.com). This is a very
short but extremely well-written story about a women who interrupts her work-
riddle husband in the midst of his activity at the computer and finds
something better for him to do. He "improvises" - essentially incorporating
her into a sort of in vivo multimedia presentation - for example, by putting
the mouse ball to a use to which it is not accustomed - indeed, a use that is
not even hinted at in any computer manual I have ever seen.
This is an extremely well-written story, incorporating elements of bdsm,
technology, genuine affection, and spontaneity into a very pleasant reading
experience.
Ratings for "Improvisation"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Second Post" by LaGoddess (LaGoddessa@aol.com).
The author wrote, "This is my second post, let me know what your think,
LaGod."
OK. Here's what I think, LaGod. I think if you expect other people to read
what you write, you should have the courtesy to put some effort into
yourwriting. It's OK to write a first draft like this one, but before you
post it to a public audience, you should have the ingenuity to look at it a
second time and make it say what you REALLY want it to say. I suspect you
have an interesting story to tell, but what you have posted says that you are
a disingenuous klutz whose writing is not worth reading.
You wrote: " Not that most guys weren;t worth the effort to get to know. Nor
were most girls, come to think of it." What the hell does that mean?
You wrote: " SO we became best friends...." Am I to surmise that I am
supposed to emphasize the word SO when I read it? Of course not; the SO is a
simple accidental capitalization error, which has gone unnoticed because
you're too damned lazy or arrogant to correct the mistake.
You wrote, "We had a bet on how to spend Spring break." What does that mean?
Was there a wager? DID you win the wager or lose it? Did you get a little
annoyed by my DID at the beginning of the previous sentence? Did it ever
occur to you that when you write something a reader might be interested in
knowing what it means?
I think if you would have simply taken the time to reread this trash, you
would have probably noticed it was gibberish, and maybe you would have made
the necessary changes to say what you intended to say.
Thanks for asking.
P.S. Read the review of the next story. Your story might be as good as that
one, if you took the time to write it properly.
Ratings for "Improvisation"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"The Trap Door" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). Ted has planned a
romantic weekend getaway with Brenda. But Ivan asks him to drop off some
information with Shelley and to go over it with her before he leaves town.
But when Ted drops by Shelley's apartment, she's not expecting him; in fact,
she's all hot and bothered about something. She excuses herself for a few
minutes, and then Ted overhears her having telephone sex with Ray. In fact,
she's on the phone with Ray, telling him that Ted is driving her into sexual
ecstasy.
What's a guy to do? And if he does, what's a girl to do? And if they do,
what's the other girl to do? I think we have the basic framework of a
country-western song here. Shania, if you're reading this, you can have it.
MY ending would have been for Ted to continue listening from the hall, jerk
off exuberantly, take his leak in the bathroom, discuss the data with Shelley
after she had one or more rapturous orgasms and Ray had shot his wad at an
undisclosed location, and then go off for a wild and sexy weekend with Brenda.
You'll have to read the story to see Malinov's ending. I still liked mine
better; and if Shania ever uses this for a song, she'll have to add either a
bus station or a damned ole rodeo.
Ratings for "The Trap Door"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Innocence Not Lost" by Tristesssa (Tristesssa@aol.com). This is a story
about a 5- to 6-year-old girl who gets molested by her grandfather. The
awkward grammar could be improved with the help of a proofreader. The
spellcheck does not solve all the problems; for example, we still have
"fallow" (which happens to be a word), in place of "follow."
In addition, the story is sometimes logically incoherent. We know that the
child is crying and that she says she hates her grandfather for what he is
doing; but at the end she says she enjoyed those interludes with her
grandfather. Such ambivalence is realistic in situations of child abuse; but
it is reasonable to expect emotions to be expressed a little more clearly than
this.
This is not a sexy story, but it is a poignant story. If this is, in fact, a
true story (as it purports to be), this victim should see a counselor. The
feelings of ambivalence and guilt that are associated with such activities can
be controlled, but usually not without professional help.
Ratings for "Innocence Not Lost"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"An Outsider's Education" by fcp (fcp2718@poboxes.com). Set in the exotic
environment of Princeton University during March Madness, this is a romantic
story about strangely normal college students falling in love and having sex
for the first time. You'll probably understand the story a little better if
you know something about basketball {otherwise you'll miss the irony of
Princeton students, who are actually students, playing in a major tournament
against professional amateurs from the rest of the United States) and "the
black experience" in America {otherwise you'll miss a major part of Tracy's
emotional background}. However, even if you are uninformed regarding this
topics, you can use this story as a pleasant entry-point to expand your
cultural horizons.
For perfectly good reasons, Tracy has grown deeply attached to Don; and for
perfectly good reasons she says no when he suggests they make love. For
equally good reasons, her refusal stresses Tracy out, and her two closest
friends counsel her. In the process everyone discloses details about their
adolescent sexual experiences. The eventual first time between Tracy and
Donald is extremely sexy and romantic.
Cultural footnotes: "That's all right, that's okay. You're going to work for
us someday!" That's Princeton's informal official cheer. "Hope springs
eternal in the human breast...." That's in either the Constitution or "Casey
at the Bat."
The most realistic passage in this story is this brief one: ""Oh no, not Dick
Vitale! Get the ear-plugs!" {Note to foreigners: DV is a loud-mouthed,
demonstrably ignorant basketball announcer who uses abbreviations in absurd
situations. His advice to prevent pregnancy would be, "OK, baybeee. No S
tonight without a C."}
This story is not perfect: for example, I think the resolution of Tracy's
relationship with her mother is hasty and contrived. But this is an
exceptionally good story. Don't miss it!
Ratings for "An Outsider's Education"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"An Ordinary Morning" by Thomas M. Carvett (tcarvett@earthlink.net). This is
one of those short little snippets that are not really a full story but serve
to get the reader's imagination going. It's about a man and a woman talking
about both trivial and important things prior to copulation prior to a ride to
work. This all sounds ordinary (hence the title), but the author makes it
seem a lot more interesting.
Ratings for "An Ordinary Morning"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Night On Fire" by SR (parasol_60@yahoo.com). This review is the personal
opinion of Kim, who can be contacted at ghost@nym.alias.net
Every so often a story will come along that is almost impossible to review in
the conventional manner. I have found this story by SR to be a case in point.
It's basically the transcript of a chat room session between various folk that
wander in and out of the conversation, in the usual semi-incoherent manner
that are chat rooms.
It's almost impossible to tell if this is a real transcript or a cleverly
written copy of one. Not that I'm a real expert, as I've only tried chat rooms
a few times and found them unbearably tedious places to be.
So for somebody to create a flawless reproduction of something I find
numbingly boring is perhaps unfortunate. It is for this reason that I will not
give any ratings. I don't think the normal rules of grammar and plotting have
any meaning. And, as I've said, I think to give a reviewers appeal score to
something this alien to me, would be disingenuous to say the least.
Even for a normal chat-roomer (hey I just made up a word!), I would think it's
a bit like watching other people play chess. Fine for the most ardent fans,
but hardly a spectator's sport for the rest of us.
At nearly fifty pages of this stream of consciousness I was beginning to fall
asleep, and completely lost any interest in the comings and goings of these
strangers. However, right at the end, it picked up enormously as two of the
women snuck off to a private chat session. Then the conversation became much
more animated and interesting. I've no idea if SR is male or female, but
whoever wrote the last section sure has a good understanding of female
thinking and sensibilities.
Ratings for "Night On Fire"
Athena (technical quality): - (Brilliant copy of the real thing)
Venus (plot & character): - (Not remotely relevant)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): - (Liked the last section, bored silly by
the first)
"A Hope and A Prayer" by Generic Joe (genericjoe@vnet.net). Guest review by
Mark Aster.
This is a nice light bdsm story, with some good sex and some interesting
characters. I won't give you all the details. A friend of mine pointed out
recently that each reader has the chance to read a story for the first time
only once, and I don't want to steal that chance from you with this review.
Not that it has a surprise ending or a twist or anything like that; it's just
that any story that's at all good is especially nice the first time through,
leaping out at you from behind an armoire.
The basic layout: the (male) narrator is hauled into court for driving with a
suspended license, and he notices that the judge is the same fascinating Domme
that he met the other day at an informal gathering of local bdsm fans. She
imposes a light official sentence, on the condition that he come to her
chambers later, to pay the fine in person. He does. Fun things happen. I
found the sex scenes (one recalled, one in narrative time) pleasant, if not
amazingly hot.
This is not dark bdsm, not humiliation stuff. These are friendly and rational
people, who just happen to have noticed that pain can play an important part
in really hot and orgasmic sex, and that consensual control-games can add
spice to it. It is, if you will, the vanilla version of spanking and
domination. It sounds like fun to me! But if you're looking for people
actually being nasty to each other, or even seriously pretending to, you'll
have to look elsewhere.
The Numbers:
Athena: 8 (fine writing, a bit of its/it's and lie/lay confusion
and stuff)
Venus: 9 (nicely-drawn characters; lady judges are good fantasy
figures!)
Mark: 8 (I would have liked a bit less setup and more sex, but I'm
greedy)
"Look'n In" by Robert Steele (shiva@thenet.net). Guest review by Father
Angelico.
{Father Angelico purports to have a cable TV show on the Internal Word
Television Network. The IWTN appears to be nonsensical, and should probably
not be viewed by people who are easily beguiled by lunatics. Comments
inserted in brackets are mine.}
This is a story about perverts -- vile, wicked, depraved, degenerate perverts.
A man comes home unexpectedly from his night shift at work and finds his wife
masturbating in front of the window. Watching her from next-door and engaged
in a similar activity are the neighbor lady and her son. Does the man tell
them to stop? No; instead he gets his camcorder and tapes the activities.
Such a waste of semen I have never seen! Bulging cocks, hardened nipples -
where has modesty gone? You don't see me or Mother Angelica doing this -- nor
can you even imagine it!
I had hope for this story when David invited Diane and her son over for
dinner. "Feeding the hungry" is a Corporal Work of Mercy. You can look it
up! At 6:00 - right after vespers, I would presume. But soon they are
watching the videotape that David had made and engorging in all sorts of vile
and sordid activities. Spilling seed like hedonistic pagans.
Even though David's modest 7-inch penis is much shorter than my own, this was
still a despicable story, with all its grunting and groaning and climaxing!
This is chapter two of the author's "Mom's Hot" series, which I assumed was
about my coworker Mother Angelica, with whom I can honestly say I have never
shared an impure thought. I assume the other chapters in this series are
equally vile. Blessed are we who just say NO to sex!
Ratings for "Look'n In"
{Note from Celeste: simply subtract the padre's scores from 10, and you'll get
a reasonable approximation of Venus and Celeste.}
Grammar (technical quality): 9 (Even the devil can do good
grammar!
Purity (plot & character): 1 (Lead us not into temptation!)
Holiness (appeal to reviewer): 1 (Woe unto thee....!)
"Supergirl/Supera" by MD James (d2beast@aol.com) Guest review by Sandman
(sandman@bitsmart.com).
{Superhero Rape}
When I was growing up Supergirl was pretty much the feminine equivalent of
Superman - faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings, etc.,
etc. These days I guess Supergirls are protomater shapeshifters with
telekinetic powers. Or at least Supergirl was a protomater shapeshifter with
telekinetic powers before she was magically merged with an ordinary human.
This isn't really a complaint. I mean if my Supergirl can fly faster than a
speeding bullet then it's not so much of a stretch for MD James' Supergirl to
have telekinetic powers.
"Supergirl/Supra" is a huge story at over 160K and is a sequel to "Supergirl
and X" which was originally published back in February of 1997. I've never
read the original; and though the author strongly suggests reading the
original before reading this story, I decided to ignore that advice at least
initially. For a review I thought it would be best from a readers perspective
to see how the story works without the benefit of the original.
"Supergirl/Supra" does stand very well on it's own and I got through the story
with almost no problems. I then went back and read the original and found
that it added new layers to the sequel. So while it's possible to enjoy this
story on it's own, chances are most people will enjoy it even more if they
read the original first.
This story begins with Supergirl merged with Linda, a fifty year old (with the
body and attitude of a seventy year old). Supergirl of course is now retired
and all our other DC favorites (Superman, Batman, Batgirl, etc.) are also old,
retired, or just plain gone. Linda has a daughter, Kara who we discover has
super powers as well when Linda catches Kara doing a bit of super
masturbation. Then Linda/Supergirl finds a porno flick of Supergirl being
distributed on the Internet! But Supergirl can't remember engaging in such
unseemly acts and it certainly appears to be her! A bit of digging and the
story moves on to a final confrontation between Supergirl, Kara
(Superbabe/Supra), Lex Luthor, and Demonica. I won't spoil the ending by
describing how it all turns out.
The sex in this story wasn't really as effective as I could have hoped for,
considering the painstaking detail that went into the rest of the story. The
most detailed sex was described when Supergirl was being raped and the effect
of that was muted by the suspense the story had managed to create (it was also
muted by my personal dislike for N/C sex -- but this did not play a factor in
my scores for this story).
In Athena I'm an easy reviewer and since all the verbs were properly tensed
and the only thing dangling was a fourteen inch penis I'm marking this a 10.
Generally the plot is well contrived and flows very nicely. There is one
inconsistency that I could not ignore however. When Supergirl is captured and
she's being raped to transfer her powers to Lex's Daughter, all Supergirl had
to do to put a stop to it was transform back into Linda. Oh sure the human
Linda would be in Lex's evil clutches but the world would be safe from an evil
super being with all of Supergirls powers. I'm knocking off another point
because to me Supergirl really wasn't all that super in this story.
In personal appeal I'm marking the story with an eight which follows my
disappointment with the plot. I will append this mark by stating that those
who are really into superhero sex would probably mark this story a 10.
Ratings for "Supergirl/Supra"
Athena (technical quality): 10 -- Perfect.
Venus (plot & character): 8 -- Could have been more super.
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 8-- Enjoyable but could have been better.
* "Sister Mary Joseph" by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). I guess sex-with-nun
stories are interesting mostly because nuns are taboo. It's fun to fantasize
having sex with a person normally considered to be off-limits or to imagine
these presumably asexual beings having dirty thoughts. I am a graduate of
Catholic education, and I have a close friend who was a nun for a long time;
and I enjoy some of these nun-sex stories immensely.
Having said that I enjoy these stories, I also hasten to point out that they
are mostly fantasy; that is, they require an extreme suspension of disbelief.
For example, last month I gave my top rating to a story called "Conventional
Sex," in which a teenage boy gets stuck for the night in a convent and has
wild sex with the nun in whose room he hides. I truly doubt that the author
of that story had first-hand or even-second hand information on which to base
that story. In other words, it was a hilarious and sexy fantasy, but I doubt
that anything close to it has ever happened. Ditto for "Temptation," the next
story in this issue of CR: to "believe" that story you have to accept the
notion that a critter called an incubus can appear and disappear, change
forms, and exercise physical and spiritual control over an emotionally
distressed nun who can't think of any way to avoid the danger. In other
words, it's a thought-provoking, borderline blasphemous fantasy that has just
about as much relation to reality as the movie "E.T."
The present story is different. From what I know about nuns {we'll call it
second-hand experience}, this one is actually a real-life possibility. The
nun bums a ride on a sailboat to the Virgin Islands. She falls into serious
conversation with her male companion, discloses that she is taking a leave of
absence to "find herself," describes her past experiences, and eventually
makes hot and tender love to him.
When I say that this story is realistic, I don't mean to suggest that it is
autobiographical. I doubt that the author really "fucked a nun and lived to
talk about it." What I think happened is this: The author is a person who
enjoys writing about emerging sexual feelings and the sexual explorations of
children and adolescents. One day he watched a movie like "The African
Queen," and he said to himself, "Wouldn't it be interesting if these two
people were on a sailboat to an exotic place and if the woman were a nun and
if the sex were explicit rather than implied? The nun could talk about her
adolescent and pre-convent sexual experiences and about her current feelings.
The guy could be understanding and supportive and reveal his own feelings and
experiences. We'll see where things go from there." And thus this story was
born.
It may not have been "The African Queen"; maybe it was "Heaven Loves Mr.
What's His Name" or one of those other stories where a relatively naive woman
is marooned with or travels with a more worldly man. My point here is that
this is a good way to generate stories: find a good plot and "steal" it. It's
not plagiarism or a copyright violation to adapt someone else's basic story,
as long as you really do make it your own by diverging from the basic idea and
developing the plot and characters along unique lines. Some of the most
"original" stories in both world and erotic literature (and in the movies)
have been developed in this way. Give it a try! But meanwhile, read and
enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Sister Mary Joseph"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Supergirl and X" by M D James (d2beast@aol.com). At the beginning of the
story we learn that Supergirl has been infatuated with Lex Luthor. Can this
be true? Isn't Lex Luthor an evil person? Holy Ambivalence.... Ooops!
That's the wrong superhero.
In the present episode Supergirl pursues Luthor, but he tortures her with his
Orgasmatron. Then Lex Luthor fucks Supergirl - well, not really Lex Luthor -
actually X Luthor, one of those X-Men, of comic book fame, who has taken on
the appearance of Lex. In some weird sense, Supergirl is even X's mother.
I have to admit that I am not up to date on my comic book literature. This
story was full of allusions to people I knew not of. I felt like I was in a
comic book version of one of T.S. Eliot's poems.
Ratings for "Supergirl and X"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: INDEFINITE PRONOUNS. An indefinite pronoun is one
that does not refer to a SPECIFIC person or thing. The most common indefinite
pronouns are ALL, ANY, ANYBODY, ANYONE, ANYTHING, EACH, EITHER, EVERYBODY,
EVERYONE, EVERYTHING, NEITHER, NOBODY, NONE, NO ONE, SOME, SOMEBODY, SOMEONE,
and SOMETHING. The reason these are worth worrying about is that it makes a
difference whether the indefinite pronoun is singular or plural, since this
will influence verb and pronoun agreement.
Anyone with a live cock IS welcome to join me in the bedroom.
All the men with live cocks ARE welcome to join me in the
bedroom.
The good news is that it's usually possible to get these right, simply because
the right usage "sounds" correct. The even better news is that even if you
get these wrong, nobody except an English teacher is likely to notice or care.
In other words, if in real life a man says to a woman, "None of us are man
enough to make you happy," you'll have a grammar mistake; but she'd be much
more likely to have noticed the problem had you said, "We ain't got very big
cocks."
It's still a good idea to write as perfectly as possible, and so I'll now try
to summarize the rules. In general, most of these indefinite pronouns are
singular. That is, they refer to a single person or thing.
SOMEBODY is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
NOBODY is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
ANYONE who sucks my cock is going to get her brains fucked
out tonight.
NEITHER of you is going to get her brains fucked out tonight.
The main exceptions are ALL, ANY, SOME, and NONE. These words are sometimes
singular and sometimes plural, depending on the context in which they are
used.
Each of these words is singular when it refers to a continuous quantity of
something. (This usage sounds complicated, but it's easy, as the following
examples show.)
None of the cum WAS left in my hair after I showered.
According to our prenuptial agreement, none of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
Some of the cum WAS still left in my hair after I showered.
According to our prenuptial agreement, any of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
According to our prenuptial agreement, all of the money
that I earned by selling my body BELONGS to you.
Except in the case cited above ALL and SOME are always plural.
Some of you guys ARE going to have to wait till have lunch
to lick my pussy.
All the guys I have ever made love to ARE cumming at the
reunion.
That leaves the two hard ones: NONE and ANY.
The correct usage of NONE is a bit complicated; but if you think it over
carefully, you can usually get it right. NONE usually means "no single one" or
"not even one." When the word is used in this sense, it takes singular verbs
and pronouns.
None of the men HAS offered to let his wife join the orgy.
None of you IS man enough to make me really happy.
NONE is also singular when it means "no amount of" or "no part of," when the
speaker is referring to a continuous quantity of something. This usage was
described above.
Use a plural verb and pronouns wit NONE only if the sense is "not any" when
several are expected - that is, when NONE means "no number of persons or
things."
None of the slaves agree on the best way to lick
their queen's pussy.
This can be very useful information. If each of the following speakers is
using grammar correctly, the listener would in one case be discussing an orgy
(or at least several successive partners) and in the other a tryst with a
single individual.
None of you is going to sleep with me tonight. (single individual)
None of you are going to sleep with me tonight. (potential orgy)
To put it another way:
None of you IS man enough to make me really happy. (single
individual)
None of you ARE men enough to make me really happy. .
(potential orgy)
The best way to ascertain which should be used, is to examine the logic of the
original (or contrary) expectation. This sounds complicated, but in practice,
it's not:
None of you IS going to sleep with me tonight. ("You think ONE
of you is going to sleep with me. That's not true.")
None of you ARE going to sleep with me tonight. ("You think
SOME of you are going to sleep with me. That's not true.")
The use of ANY is exactly parallel to that of NONE. The verb and pronoun
agreement with ANY is often easier to ascertain, because the logic is more
apparent. If ANY refers to ONE unspecified person, it's singular; otherwise,
it's plural.
If any of you IS the one who slept with me last night, you
can return my panties when you are finished sniffing them.
Any of you IS man enough to make me really happy.
Any of you who have a live cock are going to have a chance
to sleep with me before the end of summer camp.
If any of you IS going to sleep with me tonight, he should brush
his teeth after supper. (You think it's likely or reasonable
that only one person will do so.)
If any of you ARE going to sleep with me tonight, they should
brush their teeth after supper. (You are expecting an orgy
or at least a major menage.)
Note that some of these same words can be used as adjectives, but then the
agreement problem is simplified, because the word that the adjective modifies
will be either singular or plural.
Any men who WANT to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
Each man who WANTS to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
Every man who WANTS to do the horizontal lambada with me
should line up outside my room.
In even the most difficult case, all you have to do is (1) be logical and (2)
reword to avoid complexity. For example, NOBODY is singular. The dictionary
says so. Take this example:
Nobody except English teachers IS ever going to care about
my grammar during foreplay.
Technically, the subject is singular, and the singular verb is correct. We
can see this if we omit the prepositional phrase:
Nobody IS ever going to care about my grammar during
foreplay.
However, the original sentence simply SOUNDS wrong; and it sounds even more
wrong to me if I put it in the past tense:
Nobody except English teachers WAS ever going to care about
my grammar during foreplay.
The problem here is logical. If the prepositional phrase is citing plural
exceptions, then the subject must also be plural. But NOBODY is singular.
The dictionary says so. The way to solve the problem is to make the exception
singular:
Nobody except an English teacher IS ever going to care about
my grammar during foreplay.
BOTH and EACH. BOTH is plural. EACH is singular. The distinction between
these words is worth noting. Misuse can get you in trouble, even with people
who are not English teachers.
Both of us ARE eager to get into her pants.
Each of us IS eager to get into her pants.
EACH is so singular that it can make a compound subject have a singular verb
and pronoun references.
Each infielder and outfielder IS going to get HIS shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
EVERY works the same way.
Every infielder and outfielder IS going to get HIS shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
Oddly enough, if EACH is moved to a location after the compound subject, the
verb and pronoun references become plural. {Note that the exact meaning of the
sentence also changes.} Who said English isn't a bizarre and wonderful
language?
The infielder and outfielder each ARE going to get their shot
at the coach's wife if they win the championship.
EACH OTHER and ONE ANOTHER. EACH OTHER refers to reciprocal activity between
two persons; ONE ANOTHER to reciprocal activity among three or more persons.
We made love to EACH OTHER last night. ( A couple)
We made love to ONE ANOTHER last night. (Orgy or menage)
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