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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 265 - Mar11
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Celestial Reviews 265 - March 11, 1998
Note: A teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. Since
it was a lengthy assignment, she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned
and asked, "What's so funny Johnny?"
"Well, teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom! Go to the principal's office immediately!" stammered
the teacher.
Johnny went to the principal's office. As he entered the office, the
secretary was getting something down from on top of the cabinet. Another boy
in the office snickered, and the secretary spun around. and asked, "What's so
funny Billy?"
"Well, Miss Jones, I just saw your bright yellow panties."
"Get out of this office!" Miss Jones shouted. "I'll see to it that you are
suspended for three days."
Embarrassed and frustrated, Johnny eventually entered the principal's office.
The principal was a sexy woman who wore no underpants and was bending over to
pick something up as Johnny entered the office. Johnny simply turned and
walked back out the door.
"Where do you think you're going?" asked Miss Jones.
"Well, Miss Jones, from what I just saw, I'm pretty sure my school days are
over."
Second note: People keep writing to me to ask what happened to my web site. I
DO NOT HAVE A WEB SITE. Several other persons post my reviews with my
permission, but I have no control over or responsibility for these web sites.
I personally think that the easiest place to get my reviews and the stories I
review is Eli's a.s.s.m. archive, but that site is not working right now. If
I had to find one of my reviews or a story right now, I would look in the
a.s.s. or a.s.s.m. postings or in the Adult Database at www.dejanews.com.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Autobiographical Essay" by Jordan Shelbourne
(development of a sex story) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=329250714
"It's a Wonderful Wife" by Spoonbender (sex slavery)
8, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330253530
"Connections: Laura" by Peter Principle (outdoor sex)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332399758
"Irina" by Mark Aster (sex & political intrigue) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331187975
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (infidelity & revenge) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332488178
"Rain" by Crimson Dragon (ff bondage) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473326
Guest Reviews:
"Mail Call" by Pan (long-distance sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=327043767
"Sacrificial Lamb" by Tiffany (sexual degradation) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=315128607
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=315128602
"Wonder Woman/Captain America: Alpha Child" by Dimitri
(superhero sex) 8, 8, 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323349621
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323349639
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323349628
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354335
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354361
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354342
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354348
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354354
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354377
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354371
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=323354367
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (bdsm & revenge) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=332488178
"Freewheeling Barbara Toys with Boys" By Unknown Author
(older woman & younger guys) 8.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746786 1
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746790 2
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746799 3
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746804 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751372 5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751383 6
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751399 7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331751393 8
"Janey's January" by Janey (swapping husbands)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331473347
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=330936315
Reposted Reviews:
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (jealousy &
romance) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=254289424
* "Skinny Dipping with My Maiden Aunt" by Day Dreamer
(emerging adolescence) 9, 9.5, 9.5
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746752
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746743
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746771
* "Being Taught a Lesson" by Anonymous (orgy) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=331746726
* "Connections: Kristen (1974)" by Peter V. Principle
(infidelity) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=163638762
* "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander
(really unusual cybersex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=270920874
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Autobiographical Essay" by Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com). As its title
suggests, this is more of an essay than a short story, but it's still a darned
good story. The story is essentially a case study in which the author
describes how he concocted events from real life to write "Unwrap Party," a
very sexy story that he posted back when I first encountered this author's
work on a.s.s
I would suggest reading or rereading "Unwrap Party" before the present story.
Ratings for "Autobiographical Essay"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"It's a Wonderful Wife" by Spoonbender (Theodore@Spoonbender.demon.co.uk).
This is a sex slavery story, but it doesn't start out that way. It actually
poses an interesting dilemma - what would a relatively straight, attractive
woman do if she took a job in an isolated place where it was disclosed to her
that part of her job description was to provide sexual merriment for all the
horny men who worked there?
The author uses effective language; in fact, he often displays a very nice way
of expressing himself. However, he also occasionally mars the story with
silly and annoying grammar errors.
Could something like this happen in real life? I'll answer that question with
another. Can you imagine how wealthy a woman could become by suing the oil
company that permitted this kind of activity among its employees?
Ratings for "It's a Wonderful Wife"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Connections: Laura" by Peter Principle (PeterPrin@hotmail.com). This is part
of the author's series entitled "Connections," a series of personal
reminisces, by a guy whose libido was a lot higher than his wife's. I've
reviewed one other story in this series, and I'll repost the review.
In this episode, the narrator has gone camping with a group of runners the
night before a big run, and the woman who accompanied his partner says to him,
"I don't really want to sleep alone, and Paul snores. Can I share your
platform?" Why sure....
This story deals with two of my favorite experiences: making love under the
stars in a place that's so far away from cities that there seem to be so many
more stars and sex during a race. I've tried both, but this story describes
only one. Sex during the race would be impractical during a 20-mile race
anyway - too much possibility of cramps.
This is a very sexy story.
Ratings for "Laura"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Irina" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). This story is greatly different
from what we normally expect from this author. It combines sex and political
intrigue - a combination that will obviously be unfamiliar to American and
British readers. It's an exceptionally well written story, but too complex
for me to attempt to summarize here. Don't let that scare you away. It's an
excellent, sexy story.
Ratings for "Irina"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (kalika@main.provost.msu.edu). Although it still has a
few minor errors {e.g., "had bore" for "had borne"}, this is an extremely
creative, well-written story.
In a sense, this is a spouse-watching story. The wife knows her husband has
been cheating on her. She has confronted the Other Woman - in fact, she has
had sex with the other woman while extracting the details of the liaison from
her. Now she has handcuffed her husband and is retelling the those details to
him, while she forces him to pleasure her.
What I like best about this story is that it does NOT make the naive
assumption that the wife who catches her husband cheating will forgive him, as
long as she can join in on the fun. But the way in which the author declines
to make this assumption is very creative indeed.
I trust my husband. I really do. But I have jokingly told him that if he
ever messes around on me, I'll scratch the other woman's eyes out and then cut
off his dick. This lady may have a better idea.
{Note: A guest reviewer also submitted a spontaneous review for this story.
Therefore, there is a second review of this story later in this issue of CR.}
Ratings for "Rag Doll"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Rain" by Crimson Dragon (crimson@yahoo.com). Kat has to have a talk with
Leanne. She doesn't want to do it. She really doesn't. But she has to.
I won't tell you what Kat is so nervous to discuss with Leanne, but I will
mention that after the conversation Leanne handcuffs Kat to a large oak tree
near their cabin and makes love to her in the rain. It's really pretty sexy!
I felt that the author over-used the technique of employing sentence fragments
to denote disjointed thoughts. Like this. Especially when the fragments are
not parallel. To give the impression of disjointed thinking. Perhaps. It's a
legitimate approach, and the author does it better than I did in the previous
"sentences"; but I just think maybe the author should be a little more
selective in the use of this method.
Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Mail Call" by Pan (pan@nym.alias.net). Guest review by Bookman.
This will be short and sweet.
A young collegian receives a videotape from the girlfriend he left home. She
shows a short travelogue of places they both know well--then continues with a
private tour.
Not much more than that, but--oh, baby.
I liked this story. Short, clean, compact, and, for all that the two main
partners never even come close to touching each other, remarkably hot. A
well-written little narration.
Ratings for "Mail Call"
Athena (general appeal): 9
Aphrodite (erotic appeal): 9
Apollo (personal appeal): 9
"Sacrificial Lamb" by Tiffany. Guest Review by Piper. {Note from Celeste:
among some old notes I found this review that I must have failed to post. I
reviewed this same story a couple of issues ago and gave it a much more
negative rating. In the interest of fairness, I thought I should post this
review as well.}
This story starts with Gwen and her husband experiencing financial
difficulties. No, worse than that, they have watched their life savings, and
everything they possess, get flushed down the toilet of his crazy business
venture, in dribs and drabs, over the course of many moons. Finally, they
have almost literally nothing left except the clothes on their backs. No
home, no car, no furniture, nothing. The husband jets off overseas where a
job awaits, but money won't be forthcoming for several months. Maybe just in
time to move back home and get their foxy daughter Ginger back into her old
high school for the start of the next school year.
Without a home, Gwen and Ginger are forced to beg for aid from Gwen's sister
Gloria and brother-in-law Hank. Well, forced may be too strong a word for it.
Gwen has somehow managed to alienate or distance herself from anyone else who
might have offered assistance. Her filthy little imagination has been hard at
work, and has been surreptitiously guiding her actions. You see, Gwen has a
history with her sister, and not a pretty one. Subjected, sexually used and
abused, and forced into virtual servitude is the type of history most people
would try to forget, and they would try to avoid the perpetrator like the
plague. Not Gwen. Especially since she knew Hank had raped one of their
nieces.
You see, she doesn't see herself in the role of abuse victim any more. Not
with her sister or with Hank. No, she was a teenager when most of that
happened. Instead, she sees her daughter in the role - raped by her brother-
in-law, abused, misused, and probably (hopefully!) even made pregnant with
Hank's bastard. Those images are in her mind the whole time, getting more
vivid and insistent with each passing hour. But what about Ginger, the
obedient, understanding, virginal, and very desirable young lady who just
turned sixteen?
On the long bus ride down from Cloverdale (somewhere in Canada) to backwoods
Arkansas, Gwen explains to her daughter that things will probably be quite
difficult. There will be strange events occurring. It's a different place,
and she will have to develop some sort of fantasy, or story, or something, to
help her cope with what Gwen knows will be happening. This might happen to
her, and that will probably happen to her, and the other thing will definitely
happen to her. Imagine the worst, she says.
Well, the worst does happen, but definitely not in the way Gwen pictured in
her perverted little mind. What happens to Gwen probably shouldn't happen to
a dog. Well, maybe it should only happen to a dog. Or to a woman who offered
up her daughter as a ... (read the title).
I like this story. It's well-written, it's coherent, and it's one that made
me want to read right to the end. Even through the disgusting bits. The few
flaws I found were minor and in no way interfered with the story. Be warned -
this is no warm, fuzzy romance. It's not a love story. No heroic prince
comes to the rescue. The sex is difficult and mostly non-consensual, although
it's not contested. Well, mostly not. That last bit out back of the trailer
was very much vocally protested, even though Gwen couldn't fight back
physically. And it was definitely disgusting. Oh, and I forgot to mention
that Gloria has kids - four boys, hellions, aged 14, 12, 11, and 10. They
don't figure in Gwen's imaginings. However ...
As somebody-or-other once said, the best laid plans of something-or-other
often go wrong (my modern English version - the original, I think, is gang aft
agley). Be ready for a story that will haunt your dreams and fantasies.
Ratings for "Sacrificial Lamb":
Technical merit 10
Plot & character 10
Appeal to reviewer 10
"Wonder Woman/Captain America: Alpha Child" by Dimitri
(dimitri_resides@hotmail.com). Guest review by Tooshoes.
Like the Wonder Woman TV show, Alpha Child is set in WWII days. Most of the
action takes place in Germany, where the Nazis were more advanced than our
history books tell us. They had already perfected the technologies of sex-
androids and inter-dimensional travel. They also have orifice-seeking tentacle
monsters and lots of super-heroes, heroines and villains. Otherwise, this
story captures the feel of an authentic WWII story.
The plot in a nutshell: The Nazis want to destroy the two American superheroes
by any means sexual, while at the same time mating the two, creating an
offspring that would supposedly be the perfect genetic specimen. So the trick
is capturing and controlling the heroes, which turns out to be surprisingly
easy, especially when you consider how long this story is (about equivalent to
100 paperback pages).
There are several intriguing subplots in Alpha Child, but these are bogged
down by highly repetitive sexual adventures, mostly involving rape, mind
control (via Wonder Woman's magic lasso) and strange creatures (androids and
tentacle monsters). This story fails to treat these fetishes in a fresh way,
and the sex scenarios do nothing to move the plot along. But I did get a few
laughs from the androids, and their naive and totally logical approach towards
sex.
The plot picks up quickly in the last few pages, ending strong, but for me, it
was too little, too late.
Ratings for "Wonder Woman/Captain America"
Grammar and Style: 8
Plot & Character: 8
Appeal to Reviewer: 6
"Rag Doll" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com). Guest review by Stephen Peters
(sxjames@aol.com). This story is archived at the author's site:
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Academy/2194/
She's beautiful and sexy, has a good house in an upscale suburban
neighborhood, but her oh-so-successful husband has been up to no good.
Specifically, he's been screwing his secretary. What's a gal to do? Well, she
gets revenge. And, in 300 or so lines, LeAnna shows us revenge at its
sweetest, sexiest -- and its most poignant.
I really liked this story, not the least because of the detailed, lush and
very erotic seduction/teasing scene that makes up the bulk of the tale. The
un-named wife meets her husband (Todd) in the bedroom after work, but instead
of the promised sex Todd ends up handcuffed to the bed post while his wife
describes in extended, delicious detail her conversation (and later sex) with
the woman he had been fucking on the side. To add to the hot talk she climbs
all over Todd's body, mercilessly teasing the poor fool, driving Todd (not to
mention this reviewer) to the point of leaking...well, you get the idea. Yes,
she lets Todd know *exactly* what he is throwing away by his infidelity. And
throw it away he does. You see, the true strength of this story is that Todd
never really believes what is coming. He seems to think if he apologizes and
gets his cum it will all be better. Poor fool.
Technically, the story rates a 9. There was one typo, (she 'tasted' the tinge
of her husbands cum in his lovers pussy, not 'felt') and a few awkward
sentences, but this did not seriously distract from my enjoyment. Again, the
interplay between Todd and his wife was excellent, and the dialog rang true --
solid 10 for plot and character. All in all, I highly recommend this tale,
and hope to read a lot more from this author.
Ratings for "Rag Doll"
Technical Quality: 9
Plot & Character: 10
Appeal to Reviewer: 10
"Freewheeling Barbara toys with Boys" by Unknown Author (reposted by The
Storyteller (storyteller@hempseed.com). Guest review by Dave Myers.
This oldie-but-goodie has recently been reposted. I can remember when it was
sent out over Usenet the first time. Ah yes! 1993...a time when a.s.s. had
mostly stories instead of advertisements...when there were new messages
regularly in r.a.e... Moral of the story: sometimes the best porn is old porn.
Want to read about a multidimensional female character ? She stops to think
about things other than sex once in a while. Want to get good tips on how to
write for a female character conscious of her sexuality in ways other than,
"Gee, I'm horny..." ? Go no further.
Plot synopsis: Barbara, a divorcee, has pent up sexual energy. In the story,
we see this released "in character". In other words, she thinks about her
actions, and in many ways this makes for better (and sometimes more erotic)
reading than the bump-and-grind scenes. This is a slight, but welcome,
departure from the housewife-turned-crazed-animal shtick.
Enter Barbara's son. I should mention there are a small number of typos in
this very long story. One is quite hilarious, concerning Barbara's son:
"My own sin will be eighteen next week!"
Another typo later replaces "bother" for "brother" with similar effects.
Of course, Barbara and son have thoughts for each other, but this writer knows
how to use the tension to advantage, and builds up the steam gradually, with
near misses along the way.
After a number of steamy encounters, we see that Barbara is still quite
attractive to younger guys, and she gets plenty of attention. The sex is hot,
and Barbara experiences many new things. At one point, even, a glass bottle
and a salami get used as dildos (hence, the word TOYS in the title). For some
people, this may be a great thing, but for me it goes a little too far. Still,
I can only marginally penalize the writer for an otherwise nice piece of work.
Rating: 8.5
"Janey's January" by Janey. Guest review by Sandman. (sandman@bitsmart.com).
I have certain preferences when it comes to the stories I like to read. I
love a story where there's an overall flavor of reality; I love a story where
I can get to know the principals before everyone starts hopping into bed; and
I really love well written stories that combine both of the above. This story
most definitely qualifies as all of the above.
Janey, who is married to Bob, is talking to Beth who is married to Steve when
Beth says Steve has a crush on Janey. What follows is a rather long
flirtation filled with excitement, humor and doubt before the inevitable
happens along with an expected twist at the end. OK, the sex wasn't the
hottest thing ever written, but the story attempted a flavor of reality and in
reality sex is rarely earth shattering and life-changing.
Actually this summary really doesn't do this story justice. It's like
analyzing a Steven King novel. Break down a Steven King plot and you're going
to be laughing your ass off; the trick is all in how ole Mr. King manages to
write so folksy he can blind you to the improbability of what is actually
happening. Janey makes this husband-swapping story believable and very fun in
much the same way Mr. King can make us believe a car can be possessed. The
devil of course is in the details, and that's exactly where this story shines.
Now here is a personal note to the author and would-be authors: In this day
and age there's no excuse not to have an e-mail box so that readers (like me)
can read these stories and write a short note that hopefully will encourage
more such stories. Free e-mail boxes can be obtained at hotmail.com,
lycos.com, yahoo.com, and the granddaddy of them all juno.com. Writers, being
a creative lot should have no trouble inventing fictional "real" names and
addresses these sites ask for. You can even visit www.netforward.com and set
up a forwarding address to get that last measure of control over your
anonymity.
This is exactly the sort of story I'd read and then sit down to write a short
note to the author saying how much I enjoyed it and how much I look forward to
seeing future stories. Since I've been deprived of that I guess this review
will have to suffice; I just hope Janey reads the CR!
Since Celeste has found out we're neighbors she's been sending me an awful lot
of really good stories (probably in hopes of keeping me so busy reading good
stories I don't have time to write the Celeste's wine bottle chapter). This
one definitely ranks among the best of the best that I've reviewed. It's
certainly getting my recommendation as a good read.
Ratings for "Janey's January"
Athena (technical quality): 10 - A few easily overlooked problems.
Venus (plot & character): 10 - Real life that works.
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 - Definitely my style.
* "Unwrap Party" by Jordan Shelbourne (johnmc@mks.com). Sarah is jealous
because Richard is flirting with Crista at the party; and so she takes up with
Ben in order to make Richard reciprocally jealous. The author does an
excellent job of examining the feelings of Ben and Sarah without being the
least bit boring. As the story evolves, it becomes obvious that Sarah's and
Ben's affection for each other is genuine and also that Sarah has a major
problem with feelings of inadequacy. She is preoccupied with having an
orgasm, and these very thoughts interfere with her big bang.
This is an outstanding story. The author has a way of describing extremely hot
sex so that the reader can almost feel it happening, and he shows a real
understanding of emotions. I am definitely going to watch for more stories by
this author.
Ratings for "Unwrap Party"
Venus (plot & character): 10
Athena (technical quality): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Skinny Dipping with My Maiden Aunt" by Day Dreamer. Because of his
mother's job, the 15-year-old narrator of this story has to stay with Aunt Sue
on Grandpa's farm just outside town. The main difficulty is that they have
only two bedrooms, and so he has to sleep with Aunt Sue in her big double bed.
Talk about a transparent plot! Actually the situation not all that difficult:
Aunt Sue is beautiful and the narrator has a deep and abiding interest in
losing his virginity as soon as possible.
In spite of sharing the bed with his aunt, Donny is initially virtuous,
settling for simple wet dreams in which his imaginary partners look a lot like
his bed-mate. When they go swimming, they initially wear their underwear, but
it's hard to hide a hard-on in a skimpy bathing suit, and Sue's panties, do
not remain opaque when they get wet. As I said, talk about a transparent
plot! Well, opacity having been eliminated, Sue decides that it will be OK to
go skinny dipping if Donny would like to go swimming again. Boy, would he!
And remember, we mustn't tell Mom. And, of course, there's a rule: "Everyone
can look all they want, but no handling the merchandise."
I guess if the U.S. Constitution can be amended and if the Berlin Wall can
come down, we should not be surprised that the Rules of Skinny Dipping can
change; and they do. It gets to be pretty hot stuff. The New Rule is that
touching and its concomitants should take place only in the pool at the creek,
certainly not in bed, where they sleep and have mutual wet dreams together.
Eventually the New Rule gets modified with a simple codicil that says it will
be OK for them to mutually take each other's virginity. And maybe it would be
OK to do it in bed if they were really quiet and didn't wake Grandpa, who
seems to be pretty much deaf and senile anyway. As the song says, "Life gets
complicated when you get past fourteen...." This is a very good story.
Ratings for "Skinny Dipping with My Maiden Aunt"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9.5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
* "Being Taught a Lesson" by Anonymous. {Storyteller lists this story as
originally published in 1990. If anyone knows the name of the real author,
I'd like to know it.}
Julie is an 18-year-old who gets caught by her mother having sex with her
boyfriend while her cousin Ann is slurping up her clitoris. The boyfriend
gets sent home, and the girls go to their rooms. Then Mom surprises them by
first giving them a sex questionnaire downloaded from alt.sex.something and
then taking them to an orgy house where the two girls learn to have sex the
right way. There's not much to say about this story: it's a well-written, hot
story about two girls having a wild coming-out party.
Ratings for "Being Taught a Lesson"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Connections: Kirsten (1974)" by Peter V. Principle
(an347524@anon.penet.fi). The author says that "Connections" is a series of
essentially true accounts, although in some cases names, dates, places, and
other minor details have been fudged in an attempt to retain some degree of
anonymity for those involved. In this episode the narrator is on a camping
trip with three women and a man. They are sleeping in a pitch dark van -
packed in like sardines, with his sleeping bag opening toward his friend's
wife. And so he pulls the moral equivalent of an adolescent yawn in a movie
theater: he moves his hand into the chasm between them, just to see if she is
interested in responding. She is. Matters escalate. Can anyone else tell
what is going on?
Would anyone else in the van be able tell what is going on? Maybe not,
assuming the others all lack the ability to both detect sounds and to detect
odors - or assuming the friend's wife is dead. I've tried; I have concluded
that I cannot reach orgasm undetected in the same room with other people
unless there's a partition ( front seat vs. back seat of a car will do) or
unless the others are sound asleep (as in the case of children sleeping on the
floor next to our bed in a motel room). I've tried it on both the fucking end
and the listening end. I've been as quiet as a church mouse and so have the
people who have tried to evade my notice. It doesn't work. Can't be done - -
unless the others are thoroughly distracted by something else, such as a
really good movie or a sermon in church. Hmmm... I guess that means it CAN be
done. Never mind.
Anyway, they just pet that night; but they get together for real sex shortly
thereafter. He comes; she doesn't; but she's happy; and as time goes on she
learns new things. This isn't a story with a real plot; it's what lit
teachers used to call "a slice of life." This approach sometimes give a
greater impression of being "true" than a story with a "better plot."
Ratings for "Kirsten (1974)"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net" by Lysander
(lysander@bitsmart.com). Every once in a while I get the silly idea that I
have seen all the possible basic plots on this newsgroup. I think I'm going
to stop having that silly idea.
The narrator of this story is essentially a lunatic with special powers - like
being able to find his lost keys without even praying to St. Anthony. It
turns out that one of his special powers is being able to insert pointed parts
of his anatomy into the computer when he dials up those Internet sex lines
that occupy so much of the spam space on a.s.s. Well, as you can imagine, he
gets a Golden Membership and lives happily ever after.
It's even more interesting when you read it the way the author wrote it.
Ratings for "She Invited Me to Fuck Her Over the Net"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
GRAMMAR TIP OF THE WEEK: HYPHENS. The most common use of a hyphen used to be
to split a long word into two parts at the end of a line. However, with the
advent of the computer, writers rarely worry about this usage anymore. That's
because (1) word-processing programs hyphenate automatically with remarkable
accuracy and (2) many writers no longer bother splitting words at all. If you
do split words by hand, be sure to follow these three simple rules:
(1) Don't leave just one letter before the hyphen.
(2) Don't hyphenate so that there are fewer than three letters on the
subsequent line.
(3) Hyphenate only between syllables.
(4) If a word already has a hyphen, split it at that hyphen or not at all..
(5) Do not split words where the hyphen would cause confusion. For example,
"her-oism" would be confusing. Use "hero-ism" instead.
A second usage of hyphens is to join several words into one. For examples, we
do this with numbers (e.g., twenty-one, one-fourth). In addition to numbers,
the following are occasions when hyphens are appropriate:
(1) Use a hyphen to form a compound adjective when you want the two words to
be considered a single idea.
a well-known prostitute
a well-fucked pussy
an out-of-date dildo
full-fledged blowjob
your cock-sucking cousin
end-of-the-century romantic literature
The above rule applies only when the adjective precedes the noun. If the
adjective follows a copulative (linking) verb, omit the hyphen.
The prostitute was well known.
Her pussy was well fucked.
My dildo is out of date.
The purpose of this rule is to enable readers to avoid confusion. Readers who
see the hyphen will easily join together two words that they would normally
tend to separate. Since almost all words that end in -ly are adverbs that
modify the following word, a hyphen is not necessary with adverbs that end in
-ly.
a highly regarded prostitute
a slightly fucked pussy
(2) Use a hyphen for coined expressions, when you want to make sure readers
will put all the words in the expression together.
She gave him a go-ahead-and-fuck-me look.
(3) Use a hyphen with some prefixes. For example, if a prefix precedes a word
that is capitalized, use a hyphen after the prefix.
un-American
anti-British
Some prefixes almost always use a hyphen. You can identify these by looking
in a good dictionary. The most common are
ex-
self-
semi-
half-
quasi-
ex-boyfriend
ex-lover
ex-masturbator
self-stimulation
half-assed idiot
half-completed blowjob
semi-literate Australian whore (also semi-literate
kangaroo-fucking Australian whore)
(4) Sometimes it is useful to use a hyphen to prevent confusion or ambiguity.
Who is your favorite comic-strip hero? {Without the hyphen, a
reader might think that the hero is a stripper.}
a pre-existing disease {without the hyphen, the reader would be
likely to try to run the two e's together into a single syllable.}
Exceptions and problems:
Sometimes words become so closely associated that the hyphen is dropped, and
the two words become a single word (e.g., motherfucker, not mother-fucker or
mother fucker. If the words were written the latter two ways, they would have
a slightly different meaning - for example, there may be a daughter who is a
fucker, and her mom might be a mother fucker.). The best way to tell if the
combination has become a single word is to check a current dictionary.
Another way is to type it as a single word and then let your spellcheck tell
you whether this usage is correct.
Finally, even when hyphens are appropriate, there has been a tendency in
recent years to permit writers to omit them. {That is, well fucked pussies,
without the hyphen, have become increasingly common, even among refined
English teachers.} However, if the omission would cause confusion, use the
hyphens.
Recently someone called my husband a goddam motherfuckin' sonuvabitch
cocksucker - with no hyphens at all. Years ago, he would have been called a
god-damned mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch cock-sucker. Note that even nowadays
it would be necessary to use at least one hyphen to call him a goddam
motherfuckin' sonuvabitch half-assed cocksucker. Likewise, I need a hyphen to
refer to him as a good-looking goddam motherfuckin' sonuvabitch cocksucker.
Remember: the whole purpose of the hyphen is to prevent confusion by showing
that words or parts of words belong together.
VOCABULARY HELP: LITERALLY. The word "literally" does not mean
"emphatically." Nor does it mean "figuratively"; in fact it means the
opposite of figuratively. It means "according to the exact meaning of the
word(s)." Therefore, don't use the word unless you want people to take as
true exactly what you are saying.
My sister is literally a whore. {This means she really does
compensation for engaging in sexual activities.}
She literally wore me out with her sexual antics. {This is
plausible. This means the speaker was truly exhausted after
the activity.}
He literally fucked my brains out. {This is improbable, unless
gray matter appeared externally during the fuckation.}
She literally fucked him to death. {This is possible, but only
if sexual activity led to the gentleman's demise.}
Her breasts were literally the size of basketballs. {This can be
empirically verified by checking with Spaulding.}
She literally ate me out. {This might actually be a clever thing to
say if she bedecked his cock with chocolate syrup or other
comestibles prior to oral stimulation.}
That guy is literally one big motherfucker. {This is true only if
he actually does indulge with his mama. Otherwise, say
"certainly."
"Fuck you!" she said.
"I hope you mean that literally," he replied.
I know of one sportscaster who uses the word literally thousands of times a
year, and almost always incorrectly. The word "literally" was used
incorrectly in the preceding sentence. Unless he really uses the word
incorrectly at least a couple of thousand times a year, I should have said "he
seems to use the word incorrectly thousands of times a year" - or I could have
simply settled for some other expression, such as "very often" or "almost as
often as the pope shits in the woods."
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