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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 258 - Feb14
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Celestial Reviews 258 - February 14, 1998
Note: The five worst things about being a penis:
1. You have a hole in your head.
2. You have a permanent ring around the collar.
3. Your neighbors are two nuts and an asshole.
4. Your best friend is a cunt.
5. Every time you get excited you throw up!
Second note: A woman was picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous
basketball player, known for his rebounding ability and his body art.
They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel room. He
removed his shirt, revealing all of his tattoos; and she saw that on his right
arm was a tattoo that said, "Reebok". She thought that was a bit odd and asked
him about it.
Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo, and
so Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants came off; and she saw "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He
gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the corner
of the room. Rodman asked, "What's wrong?"
The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tattoo on his penis which
read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has
AIDS!"
Rodman said, "It's cool, baby. Don't worry, in a minute it's going to say,
"ADIDAS".
Third note: I think the Story Links have been a useful addition. The Bear
supplied the first set of links for me, and Sandman has been supplying them
more recently. I would appreciate it if the guest reviewers would continue to
supply this information if they stumble across it while reviewing a story.
This assistance saves us some time.
Fourth note: I have had several requests for my Celestial List of Credulous
Assumptions. So here they are:
1. It is usually possible for a woman to estimate the size of a man's fully
engorged cock by gazing at his crotch when he is unaroused and fully dressed
and over ten yards/meters away.
2. Without the use of scientific instruments men can easily estimate the size
of women's breasts from across the room, even if the woman is fully dressed.
{Actually, this is no big deal, since nearly all attractive women have 38DD
bust sizes anyway.}
3. The normal sequence of sexual experiences is first petting, then oral sex,
then anal sex, then vaginal sex - usually all on the same date.
4. The first boy to touch a girl's breasts will come in each of her three
orifices within the next hour.
5. Most women would intensely enjoy sexual contact with another woman, but
most men would not enjoy sexual contact with another man, even if cultural
biases were eliminated.
6. Children who have sex with their parents normally enjoy this activity and
grow up to be emotionally mature honor roll students who will contribute to
scientific research and to world peace.
7. Ditto for sex with older siblings, kindly neighbors, and random strangers.
8. When sons, daughters, little brothers, or little sisters ask questions
about sex, the best way to answer their questions is to show them, using their
bodies as part of the demonstration.
9. When a spouse or lover catches his/her partner having sex with someone
else, the typical response is to join in.
10. Women typically have multiple orgasms during every fulfilling sexual
encounter.
11. Middle-aged men can typically have sex with copious ejaculations several
times a day for several days in a row.
10 & 11a. Women and men that can do so are happier and better sex partners
than those who have fewer orgasms.
12. Kids can go blind if they masturbate too often. {Ooops. That one
belongs on a different newsgroup!}
13. Kids who do not masturbate at least daily are severely disturbed.
14. It is important to pop a person's cherry before she gets out of high
school {or gets into high school, has her first date, gets married, buys her
first car, etc.}
15. Women typically enjoy getting raped, once they get over their
inhibitions.
16. Men who force women to have sex with them are sexy.
17. People can be turned into sex slaves by college kids who read a chapter
in a psych book. {Either that or some of these stories are written by Psych
profs who are really desperate to motivate their students to read a chapter in
their text book.}
18. If you ever get turned into a sex slave, it will be the best thing that
ever happened to you.
19. The typical male ejaculation shoots at least 12 inches through the air
{unless the penis is inserted into a receptacle which will terminate this
expulsion. In this case the ejaculate lands with the impact of a speeding
bullet.}
20. Most women ejaculate at least a pint of luscious fluid during a really
enjoyable sexual experience.
21. Most people get turned on when their partner treats them with extreme
cruelty for the partner's own personal gratification.
22. Most black men have "monster cocks." These 12- to 14-inch penises will
thrill any pussy (or other aperture) lucky enough to receive one. Black
women, however, do not have "monster cunts," nor do they appear to be all that
interested in the genitalia of their black brethren. Hence the reciprocal
fondness between black men and white women, especially those known as sluts.
23. The family that fucks together stays together.
24. It's more fun to have sexual intercourse when there's a genuine risk of
pregnancy. Offspring resulting from unprotected intercourse of minors tend to
be sexy honor students by the time they reach middle school.
25. Nuns {and English teachers, librarians, etc.} are really sexual dynamos.
26. Ain't nothing wrong with most frigid women that a riding crop won't cure.
27. Guys who go without underpants and have sex several times a day do not
develop a nasty rash.
28. Male doctors get their rocks off during physical examinations of female
patients. Female doctors have multiple orgasms whenever they examine a
beautiful person of either sex.
29. A girl will get her first orgasm from her first intercourse, usually
within minutes after having her hymen torn.
30. Most young girls are looking for experienced men to train them in sexual
practices. They want to start but they don't know anything about it. When
they find these instructors, they will say things like, "Yes, eat my pussy
now!" {Which is a strange request from somebody that doesn't know anything
about sexual practices.}
31. Most women who find that their husbands want to turn them out to their
friends respond, "Sounds like fun."
32. Most boys who are forced to act the part of a girl find that they love
the role. Unless this happens for the first time in a penal institution other
than school.
33. Parents routinely leave their bedroom doors ajar when they intend to have
sex, and kids do so when they intend to masturbate, which they do noisily
above the bed sheets.
34. Nobody ever farts while making love. Especially not during anal
intercourse. And even if they do, its never one of those rancid ones that
linger on and on. And even if it is, the partner thinks its sexy.
35. No one ever gets a cramp while making love. For that matter, no one ever
sneezes or has a nose so filled with snot that it's impossible to breathe,
much less give a blowjob.
36. The woman's vagina never makes that 'farting' noise due to trapped air in
there. If she does, this causes immediate orgasm in both partners.
37. Nobody ever forgets to wipe his/her ass prior to having it licked, which
is unfortunate, because most people absolutely love the taste of human feces.
38. The woman never says "Ouch! I wasn't ready! I'm too dry!" If she thinks
she wants to say these things, she instead says, "Fuck me harder!"
39. Men don't turn over and go to sleep immediately after sex.
40. Women don't fall asleep at the beginning of sex, when they feel so
comfortable and relaxed, and they can just let themselves go.... If they do
fall asleep, their partner regards this as a compliment.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Zero G" by Sandman (sci fi detective sex) 9, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8350.txt
"Raga" by Taria (oriental sex fantasy) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8404.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8405.txt
"Still Rejected by Penthouse Forum" by OddManOut
Anywhere (humorous wild orgy) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8216.txt
"Pidge's Story" Jordan Shelbourne (poignant threesome)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8437.txt
Guest Reviews:
"A Lover's Tail" by Emerson Laken-Palmer (teen incest) 9, 7, 6
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8207.txt.
"Laura and Me" by The Light Within (phone sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7840.txt
"In the Mirror" by Mary Westbourne (vague bdsm)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8245.txt
"Dick Thruster and the Passion Pirates" By Nikos Ravoni
(Spaceman Spiff sex) 10,10,10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8408.txt
Reposted Reviews:
* "Slippery When Wet" by SueNH (sex in jacuzzi) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Zero G" by Sandman (1998 sandman@bitsmart.com). Sandman's stories are
archived at ftp://asstr.ml.org/pub/Authors/sandman/index.html.
This is the third story posted to this newsgroup in which Steve Whiley has
appeared. I rated "Starlight" among my Top Stories of January. I have not
yet reviewed "Double Blind"; but if these other two stories are any
indication, that's a serious omission that I had better correct.
Although this is technically and primarily a mystery story, it's also the
ultimate "mile-high-sex" story - sex in a moving space vehicle (actually a
modified asteroid) on its way to Mars. Hence the title.
Ever since I learned about space travel and sex, I have wondered about what it
would be like to experience sex in a weightless environment. Since I learned
about weightlessness from Sister Mary Tight Ass, you can easily imagine that
the topic did not come up in the classroom discussion. However, the fact that
the first American woman in space was named Sally Ride did cause a titter to
pass among us. At the time even giggled that the Russian women were probably
having sex in space - but probably with other women.
And so it was with great interest that I sat down at my computer to read about
Steve and Trish, with their potential for 40-million-mile-high sex. The trip
is scheduled to take eight weeks. It turns out that the only real way to have
sex in space is orally: copulation is so difficult it isn't worth doing.
But midway into the trip, Dr. Ernest Vance, a wormhole researcher from
Harvard, is murdered. Since he is an ex-cop and a private investigator, Steve
is assigned to investigate the crime. Trish serves as his faithful psychic -
er, sidekick. She plays Watson to Steve's Holmes - with the notable
difference that she gets sexually turned on while discussing clues.
Steve solves the crime, of course; and a reporter even tries to purchase the
VR rights to the story. The sex plays little real part in the story; it's
just background - very nice background.
This is a very good detective story. By that I mean the clues actually make
sense. Even if you don't figure out who did it before the author tells you
<*>, the clues make sense when the Great Detective explains how he figured it
out. In addition, the science makes sense: the information regarding gravity
seems to be accurate, even though the wormhole notion is a flight of fantasy,
if you'll pardon the pun.
<*> = I sort of figured it out, but that doesn't mean I'd be a good detective.
When I read or watch detective stories, I tend to wonder why the author is
telling me something and what would offer the best ending. Since real
detectives deal with facts rather than fiction, they don't have this luxury.
This story offered another candidate for the accidental quote of the month:
"He (the deceased) was a hard man...." As they say, a hard man is good to
find.
Although the author generally writes very well, this story has several minor
problems. For example, he confuses compliment for complement. discrete
discreet, and fiancee for fiance. {I think I had better dig out my old grammar
column.} However, these minor errors do not significantly detract from the
overall story.
Fucking through a wormhole - now THERE'S a possibility for a sequel.
Ratings for "Zero G"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Raga" by Taria (tariat@aol.com). Taria's stories are archived at
http://members.aol.com/TariaT.
The prince is having a session with a new girl from his harem. She's young
and inexperienced, but also extraordinarily adept at the arts of love. The
prince is enchanted by her, and the sex is really hot. The exotic atmosphere
enhances the lovemaking.
But this story actually takes place in the imagination of someone else, who is
making love in a much more mundane setting. The contrast enhances the impact
of the sexual activities.
This is a very good story, but my description does not do it justice. This is
a creative - almost poetic - story that is simply hard to describe. Take a
look at it yourself. I doubt that you'll be disappointed.
Ratings for "Raga"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Still Rejected by Penthouse Forum" by OddManOut Anywhere
(oddman0ut@hotmail.com). The woman who presumably wrote this letter and her
husband have been fantasizing about her having sex with another man. Of
course (as my credulous assumptions would suggest) this turns them both on
tremendously, and they determine to give it a try in real life at that
American Mecca of sexuality - a dude ranch in Montana. Polly really wants to
fuck Gus the Cowboy, but she can't see it in her heart to leave out any of the
other delectable ranch hands {or is that raunch hands?}, and so (another
credulous assumption), hubby suggests a gangbang. And so it goes. When she
runs out of cowboys, she has them round up a doggie for her. And yes, next
she takes it up the nose. {Is that even possible?} Then she does it with a
fish; and then.... Well, you wouldn't believe it anyway.
Needless to say, that was just the beginning of a wild week for Polly and
George at the dude ranch in Montana. What I'd like to know is why Penthouse
would turn down a letter like this.
As in his past efforts, the author continues to parody real Penthouse Forum
letters by using creative euphemisms to describe sexual activities, by making
somewhat exaggerated claims about sexual exploits (some of which may be
untrue), by writing "George and I" when it should be "George and me," and by
generally sounding like a naive ditz who is trying to appear sophisticated in
the eyes of the Forum editor.
Ratings for "Still Rejected by Penthouse Forum"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Pidge's Story" Jordan Shelbourne (jordan@u36.com). Jordan Shelbourne's
stories are archived at http://www.u36.com/jordan.
This story combines elements of spouse watching stories (actually, boyfriend
watching) with realistic emotions of ambivalence and jealousy. Although
spouse watching stories are often quite enjoyable in their own right, they
usually make the assumption that watching your lover boink someone else has no
effect other than to turn the viewer on. In this story, the viewer does get
turned on, but there are some other emotions as well.
The author hints at the beginning of the story that this story is not quite
complete; and I suspect that this really means that he is not yet quite
satisfied with the way he has handled these emotions. I think that problem
arises from the fact that those emotions would be just plain hard to sort out.
As it stands, I think he has done a very good job with this story.
Pidge has decided to break up with her boyfriend Ben, and she is doing this by
introducing him to a threesome with her friend Mary. The sex is both hot and
poignant.
Ratings for "Pidge's Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Lover's Tail" by Emerson Laken-Palmer (Sxjames@aol.com). Guest review by
Dart.
Amber and Brian are two very horny teenagers that live with their mother, and
the "family servant," Jenny. Jenny, bless her heart, recognizes how horny the
two teenagers are and generously provides each of them with sexual
satisfaction before introducing them to each other in a fashion not generally
thought appropriate for siblings. Amber and Brian, of course, love their
introduction.
I found the characters in this story too thinly developed, and the plot, at
least through the beginning of the story, too hurried. In particular, I feel
that the character development didn't support the story's surprise ending.
Ratings for "A Lover's Tail"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Laura and Me" by The Light Within (shimmering1@.hotmail.com). Guest review
by David Rills
This is Phone Sex the way it ought to be. It's something most men fantasized
about - your girlfriend giving you a great Blow Job while you talk to a sexy
telemarketer. The story is well done and a real turn on. I highly recommend
this one.
Ratings for "Laura and Me "
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
David (appeal to reviewer): 10
"In the Mirror" by Mary Westbourne (mwestbourne@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Fiddler.
A woman looks at herself in the mirror and appreciates the changes that have
occurred under her lover's (not always tender) ministrations. That's it.
Neither the sex nor the bondage and spanking is particularly explicit. The
feeling is a bit warmer than the review, however.
Best line: "The air skulks in."
Ratings for "In the Mirror"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 3
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 7
"Dick Thruster and the Passion Pirates" by Nikos Rovani
(reason2sin@innocent.com) guest review by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com).
Sci-Fi stories can be tricky for a reader. There's more chance you'll find
some nubile vixen reaching orgasm from the slimy touches of a jaxinian sand
worm than the more "normal" male/female interactions. This is the problem, I
suspect, most readers have with stories labeled Sci-Fi. But a story review
can put those fears to rest. Rest assured, this story is strictly a human
male/multiple human female story that just happens to take place in the
future.
Dick and Dick's dick have been in space far, far too long as Dick's dick
continually reminds him. Being in space does something to a CosCop (Cosmic
Cop); you learn to talk in cliches and you learn to hold complete
conversations with your dick. It makes for some pretty interesting
conversations indeed, when Dick and Dick's dick are captured by space pirates.
This is at first a source of tension since the pirates are showing an
unhealthy interest in both Dick and Dick's dick, but tension soon turns to
witty and giddy delight when Dick and Dick's dick find they've been captured
by FEMALE pirates -- talk about luck! Dick's dick finds itself in Dick's
dick's dick heaven. Sorry just wanted to see if I could get away with that
last sentence :-)
LOL is a cliche in the on-line world, but this story definitely had me
laughing out loud in the real world. The story is witty, funny, and tongue-
in-cheek enough for even the most hardened readers of this newsgroup. In a
way the story is very similar to some of M1ke Hunt's stuff and for those going
through M1ke withdraw, this is a worthy substitute. M1ke never wrote a sci-fi
piece, but if he ever did something tells me it would be very much like this.
The only thing I would have liked to see different in this story would be
BLANK LINES between the paragraphs and between dialog lines. This really
didn't distract from the reading once I got use to it, but as the only
distraction in an otherwise perfectly good story I feel compelled to point it
out. The white space serves as markers for the readers' eyes, making it
easier to know where they are and where they've been.
In my scores I should knock off a point for this in Athena, but I'm going to
be lenient here -- maybe because I'm just in such a good mood right now, but
mostly because a ten in the appeal to reviewer category allows me to overlook
the negligible flaws in an otherwise outstanding story.
In summary I find myself highly recommending ""Dick Thruster and the Passion
Pirates," and at 16k (maybe a 15 minute read for slow readers) there's no
excuse not to judge the story for yourself.
{Celestial note: "... even the most hardened readers.... " - do I have naive
reviewers or what?}
Ratings for "Dick Thruster and the Passion Pirates"
Athena (technical quality): 10 -- Had too much fun to find problems.
Venus (plot & character): 10 -- Great idea.
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 10 - Highly recommended.
* "Slippery When Wet" by SueNH. This was one of the first really sexy stories
I reviewed for Celestial Reviews. I'll repost the original review:
I was going to read this story late at night and write the review right away,
but after a story like that I have to take a break and visit my husband. He's
going to wake up with one hot mouth around his cock! This was a truly erotic
story. I can't do it justice by trying to summarize it - It's about a girl
and a guy who get into the fitness center jacuzzi after closing time. Read
the story for the rest.
The only part that I didn't like at first was when they let the three college
kids join them in the jacuzzi. Actually, I liked that part too; but except
for that part, I'd be ecstatic for a chance to do exactly what the two of them
did. Sue has one of the best disclaimer's of all the a.s.s. writers: "Reading
and writing these stories should be acts of fantasy, and I hope that you can
keep your notions of real and fantasy life separate in your mind. I know I
can." And so can I!
Ratings for "Slippery When Wet"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to this reviewer): 10
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