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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 256 - Feb 7
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Celestial Reviews 256 - February 7, 1998
Note: A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little
too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the
doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.
The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of
toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the
top two slices. The rest are for your father."
Second note: A businessman gets onto a bus and finds a seat next to a nun at
the front of the bus. After some interesting conversation, the man asks the
nun if she would have sex with him.
Surprised by the question, the nun politely declines and gets off at the next
stop. When the bus starts on its way, the bus driver says to the businessman,
"If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The businessman replies that he'd love to know; so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the
Lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus
driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with
you."
The businessman decides to try this out. So that Tuesday he goes to the
cemetery and waits for the nun, who shows up right on schedule. When she's in
the middle of her prayer, the businessman jumps out from hiding, dressed in
robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God! I have heard your prayers,
and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees
but asks for anal sex, so that she might keep her virginity. The businessman
agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the Businessman finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha, ha,
I'm the businessman!" The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting,
"Ha, ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Third note: I just received a spam ad for a Virtual Girlfriend. This
reminded me of a pre-computer-days joke.
The man was on a business trip. He missed his wife and was getting horny.
After he checked into his hotel room, he went into the bathroom to do his
daily duty. On the wall in the little room next to the toilet was a nicely
padded hole about three inches in diameter with a sign above it that read,
"Your Wife Away from Home." The very thought gave him a raging hard-on.
"What will these hotels think of next?" he thought, as he guided his engorged
cock into the opening which was the perfect size and at the perfect height.
Suddenly he felt an extremely painful sensation at the end of his cock, and
when he withdrew his penis he found a button nicely sewn to the end of it.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Mrs. Michaels" by Grimace (intergenerational sex) 7, 5, 5
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7244.txt
"Nobody's To Blame" by Kim (poignant bisexual threesome)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8136.txt
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (bdsm) 10, 5, 4
"JonBenet Rides Again" by George Kranz (satirical essay) 10, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8151.txt
"Don't Panic" by DG (sex at Greek folk festival) 10, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8150.txt
"Satisfied" by Lord Malinov (seducing hubby) 10, 10, 9.5
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8149.txt
"The Minimalist" by Bronwen (pickup and endumpment) 10, 8, 6
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8162.txt
Guest Reviews:
"Climbing" by Poison Ivan (relationships) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8142.txt
"Star Whores" by Jefferson Morris (sci fi sex parody) 10, 10, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7924.txt
"The Gene" by Spoonbender (Platonic Humor) 9.5, 10, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7916.txt
"Bad Girl" by Day Dreamer (emerging adolescence) 9, 9, 9
http://x8.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=295503454
"Bronze Lust" by A Pulp Fan (action adventure sex) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8112.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8113.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8114.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8115.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8116.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8117.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8118.txt
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8119.txt
"Fearful Love" by Tom (intergenerational sex) 8, 4, 4
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7974.txt
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Photograph" by JYM (poignant teen pregnancy)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/8103.txt
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"Mrs. Michaels" by Grimace (Grimace1@erols.com). Mrs. Michaels, the mother of
Dennis's best friend, broke up with her husband a couple of years ago. Dennis
is now college age and has stopped by to ask if there is any work he can do
for her around the house. She replies that there are a few things that have
gone neglected since her husband left. Where do you think this story is going
<wink>?
This story is pretty much the formula stuff for a "young guy fucks sexy older
neighbor." Then at the end we discover that Mrs. Michaels has an even more
sexy roommate. Dennis ogles her for a while, and then the story ends. Why?
The story has lots of punctuation problems, and Mrs. Michaels has aureoles
where we would expect areolae. Dennis is also concerned from the tall tales
that other guys have told him that excessive sex might result in irreparable
damage and mental "scaring." Aside from a better proofreading, the story also
needs some fresh insights or something to perk it up.
Ratings for "Mrs. Michaels"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Nobody's To Blame" by Kim (Ghost@nym.alias.net). Kim's stories are archived
at http://www.io.com/~thebear/kimidx.htm.
Kim's boyfriend's sister has died in an auto accident. Rob wasn't close to
Samantha; and so while the funeral is not traumatic, it's still a bit
uncomfortable. When the job of cleaning up Sam's things falls to Kim, she
comes across Sam's diary. She discovers that Sam had led a much more
interesting life than her brother had suspected.
The short version is that Sam had fallen in love with a guy who was a bisexual
who had just broken up with his former lover who returns and rekindles the
love interest. For the long version, you'll have to read the story.
This story deals realistically with some serious issues and emotions. It does
a good job of being quietly sexy and sentimental without being maudlin.
Ratings for "Nobody's To Blame"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"For Valentine's Day" by DuChamp (duchamp101@aol.com). I figured I should
review this before February 14, since its title suggests that this story is
thematically appropriate for Valentine's Day. If your lover is turned on by
the notion of being mildly tortured for your amusement, then email her this
story for Valentine's Day. It contains very short, unrelated vignettes that
describe relatively mild bondage. Common sense tells me that these activities
are perversions, but my deeper knowledge derived from reading bondage stories
tells me that some women actually like this sort of thing.
For my part, I'll settle for a greeting card, a quiet evening by the fireside,
or a good massage with nicely warmed oil that my lover will clean off of me
even more nicely than he applies it to my body.
Ratings for "For Valentine's Day"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4
"JonBenet Rides Again" by George Kranz (5@mail.com). I downloaded this as a
long shot. If it was as sordid and illiterate as it sounded, I didn't want to
burden my guest reviewers with it; so I reviewed it myself. I expected some
sort of leering re-enactment of last year's infamous child molesting and
murder in Colorado.
Actually, this is a satirical essay - the sort of thing that Dave Barry writes
in his humor column, but far short of Dave's quality. The basic premise is
that a company has produced a JonBenet look-alike doll for use in
rehabilitating pedophiles. Exactly how this would happen, I don't know.
Perhaps there's a little guillotine in the little girl's pussy or asshole.
Anyway, the "story" focuses on a field test of the doll.
This is neither great literature nor really hot sex, but it's also not the
garbage that I had anticipated.
Ratings for "JonBenet Rides Again"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Don't Panic" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). DG's stories are archived at
http://www.io.com/~thebear/dgidx.htm.
Lizzie is an American girl who has been staying with her Greek cousin Natasha.
They have been invited to the Trikinos midsummer festival. Natasha has had
some sexual experience and tries to explain sexuality to her cousin.
In spite of the objections of their grandmother, the girls go to the festival;
and of course they meet wonderfully attractive suitors. The title means
"Don't panic...." in the sense of "Relax... spread your legs and relax." It
also helps to know that the word "panic" is derived from the name of the Greek
god of debauchery and revelry.
There's a twist at the end, and you'll have to stop and think about what
happened.
Ratings for "Don't Panic"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Satisfied" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). In a message on a.s.s.d.,
Malinov recently pointed out that he was surprised that I selected "Blossoms"
among my Top 20 for January. He did not consider that story to be the best of
the stories he has posted recently. He said this not to pick on me, but to
point out that authors and readers sometimes see the same stories differently.
In my own defense, I should point out that I may not have even read the story
that Malinov considers to be his best. This author writes so many good
stories that I simply don't have time to read them all. I find his stories to
be of uniformly high quality, and I would venture to recommend any of his
stories even without reading them.
My opinion is that an author like Malinov has a beneficial impact on this
entire group. He does a good job of approaching a story from numerous
perspectives and of integrating details in such a way that they do not detract
from the sexual activity - or, in many cases, so that the sexual activity does
not detract from the main plot. It may be my imagination, but I think a lot
more authors have been displaying similar talents in their own stories lately.
I suspect that they know a good thing when they see it and decide to
incorporate similar techniques in their own stories.
The present story begins with Karen getting dressed for a date. Well, not
exactly a date. She and her friend Ellen had seen her husband purchasing some
jewelry for her, and she wants to be primed and ready when he gives her the
sapphire earrings tonight.
Now add into the mix a delicious dinner followed by dessert that involves a
tart that needs some cream on top, plus the information that Karen's husband
has recently hired a new assistant at the office. You can either try to guess
the climax or just go ahead and read about it.
Ratings for "Satisfied"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"The Minimalist" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com). Bronwen's stories
are archived at http://www.cyber-mall.com/Bronwen.
The eponymous hero of this story is not the narrator, but rather a guy she
picks up in a bar. His girlfriend dumps him and he shows up on our narrator's
doorstep. All he seems to own is an expensive leather holdall containing his
t-shirts, his jeans, and some beautifully polished designer boots. He doesn't
have either socks or underpants. He has no books, no CDs, nothing. He is a
minimalist.
Zach also lets his date pay for everything. In addition, Zach is a man of few
words, and he's a bit quick on the trigger in the sack. Minimalism to the
max, as the Brits might say. And so she dumps him.
This story is clearly written, but it's simply not in the category with
Bronwen's usual excellent stuff. Maybe I missed a secret subplot noticeable
only to British readers.
Ratings for "The Minimalist"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Climbing" by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com). Guest review by Bronwen.
This is a story about climbing. It's MF con, but if I say much more it might
spoil your pleasure. This is a story less about sex than about confidence.
About achievement. It's an observation on the importance of respect in
relationships. It's extremely educational if you aren't a climber. And it's a
good read.
Good in the sense of literature. Yes, it's sexy. Very sexy indeed, if you're
into physical fitness. But it goes beyond many of its fellows on ASSM. It's a
*really* well-written story, and what it says about relationships is
memorable. Any criticisms I have are mere nit-picking - this is easily good
enough for commercial publication. My respects to the author.
Ratings for "Climbing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Star Whores" by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org). Guest review by
Kim.
No, this isn't about top of the line hookers, but is a spectacularly overblown
parody of the three Star Wars movies. It's copyright 1994; so this is a
repost. I don't know how it was originally presented, as I wasn't reading the
net in those days; but it has come to me as one giant file that resulted in
over two hundred pages of text to read.
Right up front I have to admit I've not been able to read it all. I've read
about half of it and skip read snippets from the rest. So in this respect you
could say it's not an entirely fair review. But trying to read all this in
only a few days has proved impossible. But having said that, even given all
the time in the world, I doubt my opinion would change all that much.
Since most of you know the basic plots of the Star Wars movies, I won't even
attempt to recount them here. What you can expect to see is a twisted version
of all the major plot points, such as Luke getting a false mechanical penis
when Darth Vader light sabers the original off, instead of his hand as in the
movie. Or Yoda as a drunk, and Ben Kenobi as a pederast, etc., etc.
You can also expect lots, and lots, and lots of gay sex, as to be fair, Leia
herself points out, she's the only chick in the whole story. Just about every
major male character, sooner or later, gets stuck up the ass by one of the
other male characters.
When I first started reading it, I have to admit the shock value of the
subversion of the movie did give me many laughs. Unfortunately, repetition of
surreal shocks soon set in, and the laughs started to get farther and farther
apart. By half-way through I was hardly smiling anymore.
Now it could be that originally it was posted in segments, and managed to
maintain the humor levels better that way. As it stands now, I would highly
recommend reading it in small sections, so as to not dull the senses.
I think the word that best describes the whole thing is outrageous. There is a
limit to how often you can be outraged successfully. If you liked the movies,
have a warped sense of humor, don't mind gay sex, and don't mind regular doses
of gory violence, then you'll love it. If none of those is true, then I'd
steer clear.
Ratings for "Star Whores"
Athena (technical quality): 10 (Brilliant satire, but way too long
for me)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (Very funny dialog... to begin
with)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 8 (Just read it in small sections for
maximum fun)
"The Gene" by Spoonbender (Theodore@spoonbender.demon.co.uk). Guest Review by
Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com)
What we have with "The Gene" is an interrogation of sorts between the director
of a super secret government biological research facility and the leading
researcher about a missing specimen sample. The story is labeled Humor and
indeed makes a fairly good stab at comedy - which is good, because there's no
sex here except the sex the reader imagines after carrying the plot forward.
This is one of the stories that a reviewer simply can't summarize for fear of
giving away the joke; so I won't even try.
I'll state the story is very readable. It tends to be witty more than funny
and in a certain dark way terrifying and fascinating at the same time. The
concept is interesting, and I enjoyed the reading.
Ratings for "The Gene"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5-- Practically perfect
Venus (plot & character): 10-- A nice mixture of comedy and terror
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 9-- Very much enjoyed.
"Bad Girl" by Day Dreamer (reposted by Commander Jameson). Guest review by
Kim.
Wow, I've finally made it to the big four-oh. Erm, reviews that is <grin>.
Maybe I should ask for co-billing <laugh, only kidding, Celeste>. So what have
I got for my fortieth review?
This is a charming, sweet little story of first time love - well lust if not
exactly love - told from a boy's point of view. Set in the early fifties,
though we only know that because the author says so, it tells the tale of two
ninth graders, Joey and Rose. Rose being the titular bad girl of the piece.
Rose is the most physically mature of all the girls in their class and for
reasons never really explained, does her best to force herself on Joey. After
some palm scratching and necking at the movies, Joey tells Rose of a nearby
creek where that might go swimming together.
Needless to say they don't do much swimming, and Joey gets to achieve the many
firsts he's been dreaming of. Rose on the other hand is revealed to be
somewhat more experienced in these matters in a very casual reference to her
own first time. This anecdote cast a pathos on the whole story that previously
hadn't been there. I'm not sure if I liked it more before or after the
revelation. My hang-ups, I guess. Since the main characters are both only
fifteen, it's already skirting my squick territory as it is. Ah, well.
Overall, it's pretty well written, if a little stilted at times. I felt that
the author often, rather than forwarding the action, merely repeated it in
different words. But generally I thought it did manage to evoke the first time
well, if a little prone to the usual exaggeration that permeates sex stories
on ASS/M. I think the ending could have been beefed up a bit more in the
emotions department; but on the whole, I liked it.
Ratings for "Bad Girl"
Athena (technical quality): 9 (A tad clunky at times, with a few
typos early on)
Venus (plot & character): 9 (Pleasingly simple and straightforward)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 9 (Ignoring my own personal reservations,
I liked it)
"Bronze Lust" by A Pulp Fan. Guest review by Purple Passion.
Sixty four years ago, The Adventures of Doc Savage appeared on the newsstands
of America. Through 181 pulp adventures, the Man of Bronze and his band of
adventures fought crime and injustice around the world. Six and a half decades
later, they still make a great read. "Bronze Lust" by A Pulp Fan follows the
adventures (sexual and otherwise) of Patricia Savage (Doc's Cousin) through
1930's New York. It's a story that combines sex, action, heroes, Nazis and a
secret weapon. In other words, all the elements of a fun story. Sort of like
how Indiana Jones might have been if that movie had an adult rating. Having
read many of the original stories when they were reprinted in the 60's and
70's, I can honestly say that the characterizations in this story are right on
the money. Even if you never read any of the originals, you can pick up the
story easily and that is the best kind of satire. I highly recommend it.
Ratings for "Bronze Lust"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Purple Passion (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Fearful Love" by Tom (tje@mail.nls.net). Guest review by DG.
This is yet another story involving sex between a grown man and a young girl.
I don't really like these stories, but I must admit I've become used to them
after reading several. They don't turn me on, but they don't turn my stomach
anymore either.
These stories can be divided into two genres, which I'll call fantasy and
reality. In a fantasy story, the children are essentially horny adults
trapped in children's bodies who know exactly what they want, and everyone has
a great time and is enriched by the experience. The children are often
extremely young (under ten). No sane person would think that such a story has
any relation to reality, so I suppose they're pretty harmless.
A reality story takes at least some of its ground rules from real life. A
common theme is a precocious (but still believable) child wearing down the
resistance of an initially unwilling adult. The children are typically older
- in their early to mid teens. An excellent example of this genre is Tom
Bombadil's "Brenda - A Love Story." More disturbing (and most realistic) are
stories where the adult preys on the child for sexual satisfaction, and the
child does not enjoy the experience.
A major problem with "Fearful Love" is that it starts out as a reality story
and then abruptly turns into a fantasy story. A twenty-nine year old engineer
starts dating a slightly older woman with an eleven year old daughter. Both
of them are described as nice, sensible people, and their interaction is quite
realistic. The daughter develops a serious crush on the guy, and starts
following him around like a puppy. The guy realizes what is going on but
doesn't have any interest in the girl, he's in love with the woman. So far so
good: everything was quite realistic and plausible, and I was wondering where
the author was going to go with it.
Then we get the jarring sentence: "She thought that Jack would be a splendid
first lover for her daughter." (No, it's not the misspelling of 'splendid'
that's jarring.) Nothing in the story has prepared the reader to accept that
this woman would want her eleven year old daughter to become sexually active,
in fact, quite the opposite. From this point on, the story is pure fantasy -
the man deflowers the daughter, bringing her to a few orgasms, while the
mother watches and masturbates. Because the story started out with characters
that seemed likable and well-drawn, I found this rather sordid.
I think this author can do a lot better. The writing is competent, and the
first part of the story is quite decent.
Ratings for "Fearful Love"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 4 (Started out as 8, ended up like 2)
DG (appeal to reviewer): 4
* "The Photograph" by JYM (GJ@SPRYNET.COM). Guest review by Mark Aster.
A very short but very lovely story. No sex happens on stage, but the story is
very much about sex, and love, and bodies, and hearts. And about how
beautiful a pregnant 16-year-old can be, naked and shy in front of the camera.
And how something beautiful can be utterly tragic also.
It takes some daring to make a story this short, and to post a story with no
actual fucking to a.s.s.*. The author of this one has that daring, and enough
talent to pull it off. I recommend this story highly; don't be put off by
what I've said so far even if you're just looking for sex stories. The
Photograph is highly erotic, as well as all those other things. The ending,
while maybe a tad obvious, is effective and moving. A couple of misspellings,
awkward phrases, and an odd capitalization might cost it a point for technical
perfection, but it deserves at least solid tens in them other categories. A
keeper.
Ratings for "The Photograph" {Added by Celeste}
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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