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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 254 - Jan 31
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Celestial Reviews 254 - January 31, 1998
Note: Several people called this a.s.s.d. spam to my attention:
> Celeste's sex-drive is insatiable!!!
>
> Celeste is just one of the sexy cybersluts
> you'll meet at SEXYPUSSY! Celeste loves to
> get eaten by her girlfriend & She wants YOU
> to watch --- Just check out the site--
>
> http://www.sexypussy.com
It's not me! Honest.
Second note: We're trying to work story links into these reviews. Both your
patience and your feedback will be appreciated.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"LeAnn Rimes - A Bodyguard's Tale" by El Diablo (sex with
teenage celebrity) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7870.txt
"Unholy Passage" by Phil Phantom (Christians become sluts)
10, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7742.txt (1/2)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7743.txt (2/2)
"On the Run" by The Bear (sex in a cave) 10, 8, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7935.txt
http://www.io.com/~thebear/mytext/misc/improv3.htm
"Pause that Refreshes" by OddManOut Anywhere (humiliating
problem) 10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7327.txt (1/2)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7328.txt (2/2)
Guest Reviews:
"The Dancer's Debut" Joe Jasper (first time) 8, 8, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7639.txt
"Meeting in May" by Richard La Fond (cyberlovers meet)
9, 8, 8
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7774.txt
"Summer In Bavaria" by Tom (adolescent mm sex) 8, 8, 6
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7773.txt
"You Can Never Go Home Again" by SandMan (Horatio Alger
sex) 8, 9, 9
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7691.txt
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Passing of Seasons" by Linda B (emerging adolescence
& hot ff sex)
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7885.txt
* "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic" by PleaseCain
(applied sex ed with mom) 10, 8, 7
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7983.txt
* "January 96" by PleaseCain (warm-up for a cold day)
10, 10, 10
http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/7984.txt
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"LeAnn Rimes - A Bodyguard's Tale" by El Diablo.
LeAnn Rimes is not my favorite singer - that'd be Pam Tillis, of course; but I
have had some good times while the teenage C&W singer has supplied the
background music in our bedroom. My husband was already in love with her
voice before he discovered that she was only 14 years old.
I've hungered for your touch
A long lonely time
And I know that time goes by so slowly
And time can do so much
Are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love
God speed your love
To me
To…..
Ooooooooooh.
It just doesn't sound like a teenager when she sings that song. My own
favorite is "Sure Thing"; but the point here is that it's easy to imagine an
adult bodyguard falling in love with a kid like this. The combination of
naive innocence and sexy presentation of adult emotions is LeAnn's natural
selling point, and that's also the stuff of pedophile stories.
First the bodyguard saves her life, then he takes her to Disney World, and
then he finds her cuddled in his arms in the middle of the night, afraid of
the Florida lightning. What's a guy to do with a young lady who hungers for
his touch and needs his love? As the song says, what this guy's got coming is
a sure thing.
I had better lay off the C&W allusions. I'm better at jokes:
***
"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get
married, please."
"All right, what is your age?"
"I'm 22, sir."
"And the age of the bride?"
"She's 15, sir."
"Fifteen??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"
"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella
next to her with the shotgun?"
***
This story presents an excellent sex fantasy. Fantasy? Heck, it's probably
closer to truth than some of those things you read in the supermarket
tabloids!
Ratings for "A Bodyguard's Tale"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Unholy Passage" by Phil Phantom (slutmissy@hotmail.com).
Cynthia and her four young children have booked passage on a freighter to join
her husband as a missionary on a distant continent. A missionary family should
emit exemplary behavior, I suppose; but for centuries there have been rumors
that children of holy people tend to have evil proclivities. And so it is.
The kids are showing signs of early adolescent brattiness. The sailors have
already begun to leer at them before the boat has even cast off to sea. Can
anyone guess from the title what's likely to happen in this story?
I'll give you a hint. They got on the wrong ship. The Crusaders for Christ
Mission had booked them for the Miramar, but they got on the Miracopa. Big
mistake. The captain expects them to work to earn their passage. But what
can a mother and four kids who don't even wear underwear do to earn their
passage. Let's go back to the title again: Unholy Passage. Maybe they'll
cook meals for those guys with the huge erections.
Actually, things may not be so bad. As I suggested in the final sentence of
the preceding paragraph, there were signs that the crew members were glad to
see them. And the captain's rules are fairly reasonable: No one will rape
anyone. On the other hand, Cynthia won't interfere with nature. She is just
another member of the crew, as are her kids. She can mother the baby, but
that's it. She can't tell anyone what they can and cannot do. In short, since
"sexual harassment" is not even a term that is found in maritime law, she is
up a shit crick without a paddle - a term that occurs frequently but
informally in all courts of law. She succumbs, and then pretty much everyone
else succums.
The family arrives in Calcutta two months after their departure from LA, a
month late. The husband has been wired from Indonesia, and so he was waiting
on the dock. He greets his lost family, unaware that within each womb, a new
family member is growing. Five months later, the family--minus its spiritual
leader--boards a liberty ship in Indonesia, bound for LA.
The style of this story is good. As the disclaimer says, " This story
promotes nothing, and nothing in this story should be taken seriously." The
assumptions are a bit simplistic; but once we grant that a mother would
quickly and easily succumb to the captain's demands in order to protect her
family, that she would undergo a complete and immediate personality change,
and that all the kids would instantly become horny sluts, the story makes
pretty good sense.
Ratings for "Unholy Passage"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"On the Run" by The Bear (TheBear@nospam.io.com).
A man and a woman are fleeing from pursuers through a swamp. They find a
cave, crawl into it, and make love.
This is a very vivid description, but it's not a whole story. When I finished
reading it, I felt as if I had walked into another classroom in which a good
movie was playing, watched only two minutes of hot action, and then left. Of
course, the hot action would focus on economic activities in Europe in the
eighteenth century, not the sort of things mentioned in this story. When that
sort of thing happens to me, I'm always glad when it was a good movie rather
than a bad one; but it would be much nicer to catch a whole story.
Ratings for "On the Run"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Pause that Refreshes" by OddManOut Anywhere (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).
This is a story about Jenny getting drilled. Literally. Well, not quite
literally. Actually it's the Coke bottle that gets drilled. This is
necessary, of course, because excessive thrusting has caused a vacuum that
inhibits the natural removal of that flask from Jenny's vagina, where it had
been serving one of the secondary purposes of Coke bottles, a purpose more
typically served by a zucchini, a carrot, or an engorged phallus.
In other words, this story is about the sort of problem that a hormonally
imbalanced teenager in high school would think about during a really boring
physics lecture. Or a horny girl in a Catholic college for that matter.
This is really a nostalgic story. As the saying goes, "They don't make Coke
bottles like that anymore." Modern coke bottles are made of plastic,
typically holding two or three liters, and most American women don't even have
metric vaginas.
Anyway, Jenny was masturbating with a Coke bottle, and simple laws of physics
made it impossible for her to remove it; and now she is wandering around
practically naked with the neighbor kids and the old guy next door watching,
trying to find the right tool to remove the damned thing.
In case you're wondering - you know what you REALLY have to do if you get a
Coke bottle stuck up your cunt - or up your ass, for that matter - don't you?
You have to go to the hospital emergency room; and it's even more humiliating
than wearing dirty underpants when you're in an automobile accident. Your
mother may have been the one who warned you about the underpants; but the
people at the hospital emergency room have all the good stories about Coke
bottles, large salamis, and medium-sized rodents. I wouldn't kid you about
things like this. The worst part is that nowadays the emergency ward janitor
as likely as not will blab the whole thing all over the Internet, where your
humiliation will come to the attention not only of your parents but even of
the pope and whoever puts together the newsletter for your 25th-anniversary
high-school reunion. You'll eventually wind up being the punchline in a joke
that ends with, "Who's the person with the bottle up his/her ass/cunt standing
next to the pope on the balcony?"
Just imagine how embarrassing it would be if you were in an accident with a
Coke bottle up your cunt or ass! That's why this is labeled "a cautionary
tale."
Come to think of it, this story presents a problem that could appear on one of
those creativity tests: "Imagine that you have a Coke bottle up your cunt
{just to make the gender bias work in favor of girls for a change}. Describe
how you would remove it, using only items that are found in your house."
Fortunately, KY sterile lubricant is an item in my house, and I'll bet it
would work. KY is useful not only for inserting things into tight places, but
also for removing things from the aforesaid tight places. Once my daughter
was trying to raise the seat on her bicycle, to no avail. I approached the
bike with my tube of KY, liberally lubricated the pipe on the bottom of the
seat, and yanked. Off came the seat! My daughter said, "Hey! I'll have to
get some of that stuff some day." I said, "Yes, maybe you will."
My main criticism of the story is that it over-emphasizes metric measurement,
as when the bottle emerges millimeter by millimeter. It would be better to use
a more universally understood expression for a very small distance. For
example, "The bottle barely moved the distance of a cunt hair."
Ratings for "Pause that Refreshes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Dancer's Debut" Joe Jasper (joe@nmpnet.net). Guest Review by Sven the
Elder.
I have this tiny problem (no stop peeking!!) - Celeste found me a story, a
quite sexy story as well, and I'm bored! That's a dreadful thing to say about
a story, so I'd better qualify things a little. The problem is really that
this is a hackneyed, subject. 'First times' have been 'done' many times by a
lot of authors, it has reached the stage where I suspect that around half of
the 'Celestial List of Credulous Assumptions' have come from 'First time
stories'. Hey out there - authors all - if you haven't looked these
assumptions up and giggled at them, do so. For those of us who have and been
embarrassed to have found that we also have used them, in the past I hasten to
add, they spoil a story.
'The Dancers Debut' is not a bad story - please don't get me wrong. It is
well written and spell checked, the grammar is good and the style fair, the
story is written as a 'he' / 'she' style which I personally don't care for,
but then as a reviewer, I don't let that worry me in the final analysis. It's
just, well, virgins don't normally behave like this during their first serious
sexual excursions - and I'm sorry, guys, if you think they do - dream on!
Neither do measurements matter; again I think that's a trap we all fall into
at the start of writing a story for this ng, but they don't matter - honest.
Not even in real life, it ain't what you got; it's the way that you use it.
The more believable we can make our stories, the more we can relate to them,
the more our readers will enjoy them. That should be the skill of the author
- weave a little magic - don't let your reader think - "That's silly! I would
never do that." or whatever. Blend your experience of real life into the
situation you have created, *make* the reader believe you. That's the
challenge. You'll know if you've succeeded. Quite a few of the regular
authors who post here have said that sometimes they are surprised by the way
there characters appear to take on a life of their own. The characters end up
'writing' the story - it happens.
Joe's Story is that of a young lady (BTW Joe your codes should have been MF -
mf is teenager at best, yet the lady is 21) who decides she is going to become
a woman. She chooses her 'stud' and they have it away in various ways. I am
slightly worried about the closing line. It didn't mean to me quite what the
author meant it to, but then that just might be me.........
Sorry, Joe; the story ends up as quite good, quite hot, and quite enjoyable.
Please don't lose heart, search out the Credulous assumptions that Celeste has
posted, read them out to yourself, and have a giggle. Out of the context of a
story some of them are truly cringeworthy and very funny. (BTW if you can't
find them send me an e-mail and I'll be happy to forward them to you I keep a
copy to remind me how truly awful my first attempts were!.)
Ratings for The Dancer's Debut
Technical quality: 8
Plot & character: 8
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Meeting in May" by Richard La Fond (SciTeach35@aol.com). Guest review by
Anne747 (Anon747@aol.com).
I've come to the conclusion that a 'when cyber-lovers meet' is kind of a must-
do plot line for a lot of people. It's hard to make it unique, but it covers
a fantasy a lot of people have. In that respect it probably has appeal just
on that level. However, in most cases there are really only two choices -
couple meet and have a blistering hot session of sex, or the BDSM equivalent
of the same thing. This story relies on the first of the two scenarios.
This tells the story of an unnamed narrator and her online lover, Richard -
who is 15 years her junior. It starts with a romantic feel, but moves rather
quickly to a couple of very hot sex scenes (one in a car and another in a
motel). The writer does a pretty good job of having the reader feel, at
first, the narrator's hesitation about the age difference, and later, the
confidence she gains as the evening progresses.
To some extent, I'm not sure I buy the very slow start and then the sudden
switch to high gear. These people supposedly have been very close online.
With such heat and passion shared, I'm not sure her hesitation about his
desires should be as high. They have supposedly been together for two years
online. And yet, perhaps it would still be a nervous time.
I'm going to bump off a mark for technical quality, mainly for the formatting.
This was not posted by the author, but from the intro, with his permission and
email. The poster has used smart quotes which just didn't convert. Well,
they converted into graphical characters, which made the few pieces of
dialogue tough to read. This is not really the author's fault, but it does
make it hard to read in parts. And the review is for the reader, right?
Also, I found the long drawn out words of the climax annoying. I know they
are supposed to convey a certain 'feel', but I always think that "
Owwwwwwwhhhhhhhh..." is just pushing it.
Ratings for "Meeting in May"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Summer In Bavaria" by Tom (tje@mail.nls.net). Guest review by Kim.
This is a story of young love. Too young for me in fact, as the principal
characters are two boys aged fifteen and fourteen, and two girls, one aged
eleven, the other twelve. The other main character is a sixty-seven year old
grandpa.
I mention the ages because had the girls, or the grandpa, got involved in any
of the sex then I'd have sent it back to Celeste and said sorry, I can't
review this. Luckily the main thrust of the story is in fact the blossoming
love between the two boys. Even so, I'm still very uncomfortable with such
underage sex. But it is handled in a sensitive manner and is far from
exploitational. But enough of my agonizing over such things.
The main character is John, a young boy from Cleveland visiting his grandpa in
Bavaria, Germany. While he's there, he meets up with the beautiful Anton,
Anton's sister, Katrina, and their younger cousin, Helga.
Soon the four of them are pairing off, with John getting Katrina and Anton
going with his cousin. They decide to go on an outing together and after the
picnic get down to some innocent necking. Later, back at home, the boys
casually discuss how they're going to fuck the girls for the first time.
However, before they get to the female of the species they decide to do a bit
of practice on each other first. Some soapy mutual masturbation in the shower
then ensues.
The next day they go off for a hike together, sans girls, and end up kissing
and rolling in the flowers, swiftly followed by some spirited giving and
receiving of blowjobs. They're about to attempt to fuck each other when the
story abruptly stops. I don't know if this is how the author intended to leave
it, or just how it came to me.
OK, y'all already know what I generally think of underage sex stories. This
one wasn't badly written, but it did have a number of typos and such. It could
have done with better proofing and spell checking. The English itself was
simple but a bit clumsy in places, though not enough to throw the story off.
The general feeling is of sensitive believability. Nothing outstanding, nor
anything really bad.
Ratings for "Summer In Bavaria"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (Typos and slightly clumsy in places)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (No real problems)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Just not my thing)
"You Can Never Go Home Again" by SandMan (sandman@bitsmart.com). Guest review
by Mark Aster.
Have you read any Horatio Alger? "Struggling Upward", "Making His Way", "Luke
Walton", "Only an Irish Boy"? Plucky lads, in hard times for one reason or
another, overcome obstacles through integrity and hard work, eventually
encounter benefactors who appreciate their good qualities and help them out,
and live more or less happily ever after. Uplifting and optimistic stories,
good role models for youth. But alas, no sex.
In "You Can Never Go Home Again", Sandman give us a Horatio Alger story,
updated to the 90's, and with some sex scenes. This isn't a sex story, not
really; it's a story that has some sex in it. Joey's parents have died in an
accident, and he has run away from the abusive uncle that inherited him. We
get some nice clean first-time scenes in flashbacks (first masturbation, first
playing-around with another boy, first sex with a girl), and one very grungy
MF encounter that Joey sees while hiding out in an abandoned house. But it's
not steamy sex, not sex meant to arouse; it's sex that furthers the story,
that advances the narrative. There's no sex at all in present-time involving
Joey, but there is some very nice romance with this girl he meets while
working at a hard-earned job.
There are some typos ("way to long", "some how"), and some awkward sentences,
and I don't think you actually have to have a checking account in order to
CASH a check, but on the whole the story is quite readable. There's not much
complexity here; this is a Horatio Alger story, after all! As the author
notes in the afterward, it's unlikely that many real runaways come out of it
this well. But not all stories have to be documentaries, after all; sometimes
we need to be reminded what it's like when things go unusually well...
Mark Aster ratings for "You Can Never Go Home Again"
(remembering as usual that I may be a harder grader
than Celeste!):
Athena: 8 (above average, some typos and awkwardnesses)
Venus: 9 (for the story and characters, not hot sex!)
Mark: 9 (a cheerful story, nice reading)
* "The Passing of Seasons" by Linda B (an274617@anon.penet.fi).
I try to wait until all the parts of serialized stories have been posted
before I post my review. I have seen seven parts of this story, and the
seventh says it will be continued; but I am going to go ahead and post my
review now, since I haven't seen an eighth part yet and don't think there is
one.
This is an exceptionally well written, sensitive story about the intimate
relationship between two young girls. It's almost like a good Judy Blume
story - except, of course, that teenagers read Judy Blume, whereas they would
never think of reading stories on a.s.s., which are prohibited to them. In
fact, I think it is possible that Linda B may actually be Judy Blume,
prematurely reincarnated and living in that literary commune in a Waldenesque
setting near Sulfur Springs. {Incidentally, if you think Judy Blume writes
only for kids, you should read her "Smart Women," which is probably available
in your local public library.}
This author is intimately attuned to the emotions likely to be felt and
expressed by teenagers trying to establish their sexual identities. I myself
am a happy heterosexual, but I recall feeling many of these same emotions (if
not the same activities) that Jenny and Sarah express in this story. (I have
no intention of revisiting my discussion of whether practically all adolescent
women experience these emotions. They do; but I have promised not to make an
issue of that theory.) This is a really good story.
This story is also being archived at
http://www.cybercity.hko.net/toronto/wjm/archive/
The author has an interesting disclaimer, which reads in part: "If you are a
teenager, we as adults don't think that you should read this, even though you
are sexually mature and probably have much more sexual desire than we do. We
are merely jealous of your sexual virility. Please leave us alone to
*fantasize* about being your age once again. I'm sorry but you'll have to wait
until you're at least 18 before you can have your own fantasies. Preferably
you should wait until you're at least 30 or older, that way you can really
have something to fantasize about: your very own teenaged years!" <Hear,
hear!> <Well said!> <Touche!> <Applause>
Ratings for "The Passing of Seasons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic" by PleaseCain (PleaseCain@aol.com).
Mom catches her son and his friend looking at a hot picture (the legendary
Cheryl Crow Nude Pic) from the Internet. First she tells them they had better
stop and then she decides to give them a lesson in applied sex education with
her own body. The 17-year-old boys are well endowed - Dick with a 9 1/2 inch
peter and Peter with a 12 inch dick.
After the kids bring her off by sucking her tits, Peter beats her with a belt
(much to her enjoyment), while she swallows Dick's 12-incher in its entirety.
Peter had wished that his first time with his mom would be different than
this. After the first climax, Peter and Dick both gasped, "Cool!" They
realized this didn't make them sound very mature, but this situation "just
rocked." Then Mom invited Petey to fuck her ass, which he did with great
enthusiasm, while she banged in glorious orgasms - 21 of them, to wit, before
Dick lost count. Soon Peter came again, shouting "I'm coming." "Me too!"
shouted Mom, redundantly.
Then Mom asked Dick to finish her off (Right!); but Dick refused, unless he
could watch Mom make it with a woman first. So they all got dressed (Right!)
and went next door; and Mom and Joy (a 23-year-old sex goddess) went wild on
the floor while the boys jacked off; but then Deanna Troi from "Star Trek: The
Next Generation" rang the doorbell and brought ten Paula Zahns, including
Handicapped-Amputee Paula Zahn, into the room, all eager for an orgy.
I shouldn't tell you this next part, because it will ruin the surprise; but
then Peter ran next door to get his Sega Genesis game; and the women watched
him and Dick play. They were all very impressed at how long they played, and
how high they scored, and many of them got really turned on at their manly
prowess. And then somebody brought a whole cart filled with sex toys, and
then the fun really began.
This all made perfect sense to me, except that Mom was going to teach them
about the female body, and I'm not sure she really achieved her objective.
Oh; and the unrealistic part is that I don't think there really is a live
Cheryl Crow Pic on the "Net. Finally, if you're interested in finding this
and the preceding story, it may be useful to know that this author posts his
stories with a title line beginning TO JOY, which (coincidentally) is the name
of the sex goddess who lives next door.
Ratings for "They Had the Cheryl Crow Nude Pic"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
* "January 96" by PleaseCain (pleasecain@aol.com).
The guy staggers in from a really miserable day. Life sucks. The weather is
miserable. It took three hours just to get home from the airport. Life
sucks. On the other hand, the furnace works, the fridge is stocked, he can't
go to work for at least a few days, and his wife seems to be randy and
determined to compensate for the unfortunate vicissitudes of life. This is a
very short but very good story.
Ratings for "January 96"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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