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Subject: RP by REQ Star Whores by Jefferson Morris
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Disclaimer: I did not write this story. I'm just posting it for those of
you who enjoy such stories. If you are a minor (under 18) do not read,
this story is for adults only
Jeff
-------------- Enclosure number 1 ----------------
Okay, here's the text in the body of the message. You AOL browser may
cut some of it off and make it into an attachment. Dunno. Lemme know
if this works.
--Jeff
"Coverage of the funeral itself, measured from 3 to 5 am (PDT),
earned a 26.1 overnight rating on the Big Four. ABC took the top
spot with a 9.7, barely edging out NBC's 9.6, followed by CBS with
a 4.5 and Fox with a 2.3" --Reuters/Variety
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 29 Apr 1997 16:03:16 -0400
From: jfmorris@CapAccess.org
Subject: /home/capaccess/65/jfmorris/work/sw1-9.txt
STAR WHORES
or LAST TANGO ON TATOOINE
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1994)
C3PO stepped out the oil bath slowly, savoring the feeling of
his newly-lubricated servomotors and gears sliding sensuously in
place. Ignoring the towel offered to him by R2 (who carefully
averted his baleful blue eye), 3PO stepped demurely over to Luke.
"Luke."
"Call me Master, bitch."
"I see, Sir Luke."
Luke slapped 3PO sharply.
"What do I look like, a Jedi knight? Come on."
3PO gently reached down with one glistening gold hand,
caressing the bulge beneath Luke's sand-worn utility belt. He
smoothed Luke's khaki pants, then moved his hand up to a small
device hanging on the belt.
"Would you like to restrain me, Master?"
Luke gripped the restraining bolt activator tightly,
extricating it from 3PO's grasp.
"What about the condensers on the North Ridge, Master?"
"Fuck 'em."
Luke gently flicked the switch. With a metallic shudder,
barely perceptible in the waning light of the twin sunset, 3PO was
immobilized. Luke waved a hand in front of his eyes.
"Are your speech centers still activated?"
"Yes, Master."
"I want it in Bocce."
"Suuejik gelia iksta moom." (I'm hot and ready)
"You like it with humans, don't you, whoredroid?"
"Suuejik huis napra refilia." (I fuckin' love it)
Luke dropped to one knee, his eyes fixed on 3PO's gleaming
groin. He licked it brusquely, leaving a filmy swath of saliva
over its glistening sheen, obscuring the reflection of his own
flushed visage. He pried 3PO's codpiece loose and began chanting
rhythmically, breathlessly.
"I'm gonna get a dianoga, and I'm gonna have the dianoga fuck
you. And the dianoga's gonna vomit in your face, and I want you to
swallow the vomit. You gonna do that for me?"
"Woon." (Yes) 3PO tingled at the thought of the dianoga's
long, slimy tentacles wrapping themselves around him, its red,
bulging penis (often mistaken for an eye on a stalk) forcing itself
into his warm metallic confines.
"I want the dianoga to die while you're fucking him. Then I
want you to go behind and smell the dying farts of a dianoga. You
gonna do all that for me?"
"Woon, iksta baga lampeel. Baga lampeel!" (Yes, and more
than that. And more!)
Luke gripped his modestly-sized penis. As soft and shapeless
as a dead mynock. He snorted.
"I'm not hard yet, whoredroid. Tell me a story. Something
dirty that'll get me going."
"I'm sorry sir, I'm really just an interpreter, and not very
good at telling dirty stories."
Luke looked up at him, his eyes shining. "You know what I did
to my last protocol droid?"
"No, master."
"Disintegrated his ass. Improvise, whoredroid."
3PO's circuits began blazing, trying to come up with
something. He began shaking with the effort.
"Well master, uh...a long time ago..."
"Yeah?" Luke began masturbating listlessly.
"On a planet...really far away..."
"Go on, whore."
"There was this new hope for, uh...Actually it was a dark time
for the...Rebellious Fighters."
"Which was it?"
"Well it was a dark time...but there was also a new hope. The
Rebellious Fighters had just...stolen the blueprints for a space
station built by the...the evil Galaxy Federation."
Luke dropped his flaccid penis. "You're right, you can't tell
stories for shit. Well, you had your chance." Luke wearily got to
his feet.
"Viilesa japsta womoni pustell iks bambam." (Master, I am
fluent in over 6 million forms of fellatio)
"Save it for the Spice Mines of Kessel. Or maybe I'll just
blast you into...who-the-fuck-knows-what?" Luke unhooked his
blaster from his belt, and put it on its highest setting. 3PO
began trembling.
"Viilesa, gradoo!" (Master, wait!)
"Now what the fuck?"
"R2 is projecting some kind of message."
"Yeah, right."
"The message appears to be important. A young lady."
"Is she hot?"
3PO shrugged. "Nothing to shout about."
"Shut the fuck up, then. Fucking protocol bullshit. I told
Uncle Asshole I didn't want another babbling protocol 'bot. But
whatever Luke wants, he has to do the opposite. Sometimes I wish
some Imperials would burn his wrinkled ass down with a blaster on
low. Set me free from this shithole. I'd lick their boots clean."
"Human-cyborg relations, huh kid?" The familiar voice
startled Luke. He whipped his head around. A dark figure stood in
the corner of the bay, leaning insouciantly on Luke's T-16.
Slowly, he stepped out of the shadows.
"Good with droids is one thing. Good with the living. That's
something else." Solo's disarming, lopsided grin spread over his
handsome face. Luke's heart sped up a beat.
"Feel like partying, Solo?"
"Kid, I been from one end of the galaxy to the other, I've
seen some pretty strange stuff, but..."
"Save it, Han. Smuggle anything in your ass lately?"
"Try smuggling this, kid. Beru said it was a treasure more
precious than stolen data tapes." Han pulled his perfectly
circumcised cock out from behind his zipper. It glistened with
pre-ejaculate, the urethra hanging slightly open like an expectant
mouth. It reminded Luke of the new vaporator he had installed on
the South Ridge last week, protruding from the landscape and
hungrily sucking moisture from the parched Tatooine air.
"What a piece of junk."
"It's the dick that made the Kessel run in less than 12
parsecs. It may not look like much, but it's got it where it
counts, kid. I've made a few special modifications myself."
"Tired of Wookiees, huh?"
"You should talk, puttin' the moves on Goldenrod. Next you'll
be programming binary load lifters and shaking down jawas for
landspeeder rides. I shudder."
"You think I dig mechanicals? I was just about to burn this
metal prickteaser down."
Han pulled his own blaster from its holster. "I can arrange
that." He flipped the safety off.
3PO's eyes widened...
The blasts illuminated the bay like a flashbulb. 3PO's limbs
scattered in all directions. A whiff of ozone settled over the
room. Luke and Han put away their guns.
"What are you gonna tell your uncle?"
"I don't know. I'll tell him it had a bad motivator. Won't
be the first time."
"Beru tells me your uncle has a bit of a bad motivator
himself."
"Yeah, she gets the itch bad. Put the moves on me once."
"No shit, kid. How was she?"
"Dry as the South Ridge. We almost caught fire. The lowest
point of my otherwise shitty life. Why do you think I'm hustling
droids?"
Han slapped his thigh. "Today's your lucky day, kid. You
ever make it with a Corellian?"
"Can't remember."
"What are you waiting for, a writ from the Emperor?"
Luke strode over and gripped Han's shaft, which seemed to
squirm in his hand like an exotic fish. It swelled with blood, as
if it was taking a breath.
"You're hung like a ewok, for Christ's sake. The Sarlacc
wouldn't swallow this."
Han smirked. "You've sucked off so many Womp Rats, you don't
know a real dick when you see it. I've made Tauntauns blush."
"No wonder they call you 'Hand Solo.' I've got a bad feeling
about this." Luke held Han's cock between thumb and forefinger,
examining it clinically.
"What did you expect, an ion cannon? If you can't make it to
hyperspace it won't be my fault, kid. You've been stretched by
every Snaggletooth and Stormtrooper in the sector. Show me one toy
in this bay that wasn't bought with some lonely Imperial fruit's
per diem, and I'll eat a bowl of Wampa shit. They've got your
biography up in the cantina bathroom. You should read it
sometime."
"I wrote some of it."
"Is it true you can ride a Bantha through your ass?"
"On a warm day."
"On this dust ball? You got any Banthas around?"
"I'm off Banthas. Krayt dragons are my kick now."
"Then don't blame me. Use the Force. Either that or hit the
bricks and open up a leather bar in the Jundland Wastes."
Luke began working Han's cock in his hand, kneading it like
dough. Han closed his eyes.
"How's Biggs?" Han's voice was barely a whisper.
"Big as ever. He's still working drunk Tuskan Raiders on
weekends. Saving up for the Academy."
"And that old Jap fossil you used to hang with? Oki-Ben
Whatshisname?"
"That wizard's just a horny old man. Stumbles through Mos
Eisley babbling about the Clone Wars and showing minors his
'lightsaber.' Needs the Force to get it up. Then he feeds 'em a
line of shit about how their fathers were Jedis, and how they were
offed by 'a pupil of mine, before he turned to evil, blah blah
blah.' Can you believe he still catches people with that shit?"
"So you got the fuck out?"
"Fuck yeah. Split when I found him with Greedo's cock
mysteriously stuck up his ass. 'Vital to the survival of the
rebellion,' he said." Luke shook his head. "Old bastard."
"Tough break, kid. What was your father, anyway?"
"A navigator on a spice freighter."
"Another space-lifer, huh? Whatever happened to him?"
"Got gang-fucked to death by a bunch of bounty hunters on Ord
Mantell. So they say."
"Sorry to hear that, kid."
"I don't give a shit anymore."
"Well in that case..." Han's right hand slid slowly into
Luke's pants, playing over his soft buttocks. "Let me hang you,
Luke."
Luke shrugged. "Boring conversation, anyway."
*********
Luke slowly extracted the hydrospanner from his rectum, then
fell with a fluid, sated plop, piss and shit running over his
thighs. Han waved an arm in front of his face.
"What an incredible smell you've discovered."
"Fuck you, Corellian."
Han was already lighting up a Tibanna gas pipe. He held the
gas in his lungs, then passed the pipe to Luke.
"Good shit. I've got a connection on Bespin."
"Who doesn't?" Luke inhaled sharply, nearly coughing.
"So what are you gonna do now, kid?"
"I don't know. Stick around one more season, tops. Maybe
join the Imperial Legion. A lot of new jobs on that Death Star."
"I hear you can't see shit out of those helmets. A pregnant
Dewback could be lying next to you and you wouldn't notice unless
you looked right at it. And the armor is shit. You take a drained
blaster shot in the ankle and you're galactically fucked."
"Well...it's a living, right?"
"That it is, kid. That it is." Han blew a smoke ring at the
ceiling, then coughed. "What about that Jedi thing? You still
blindfolding yourself and letting remotes zap you in the ass?"
"I'd rather blow a dead Ugnaught in a sandcrawler's john."
"No, in other words?"
"I can't believe I was once that stupid."
"Believe it."
"Eat me."
Han and Luke sat in silence. Luke reached for a tissue, and
wiped semen from his hand, frowning.
"My uncle smells you on me and I won't eat for a month. I'll
be bumming rootleaf at the Tosche station."
Han slapped his knees with both hands and got up.
"Where are my shorts, kid?"
"Fuck should I know?"
Han found his clothes and began dressing. He squinted at R2.
"You know, that droid over there has been playing the same
message over and over all night."
"I'm gonna have its memory erased. Never buy from a drunk
Jawa."
"Who's the chick? Wouldn't mind smuggling something in her."
"Some princess."
"A message for you? Shit, kid, I'd go for it."
"With my luck we're probably related."
"Well then, you think a princess and a guy like me..."
Luke blew a raspberry. "Probably only fucks other members of
the Alderaanian royal family. Gotta preserve the bloodline."
"I was on Alderaan once, on leave from the fleet. Couldn't
get a spice-addicted whore for 1000 credits. Corellian come ain't
tasty enough, I guess. Everybody there thinks they shit ice cream.
Somebody ought to blow up that fucking planet."
"Amen. Maybe I'll deactivate that droid and make it into a
waste disposal unit."
Han began dancing around the room, pitching his voice like a
little girl. "'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help
me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
I just blew the pope!"
Luke laughed, and sucked the last wisp out of the pipe.
"This bud's dead."
Han abruptly stopped dancing. "Yeah, I better get back.
Chewie's probably pulled someone's prick out of its socket by now.
Never should have bought that chess game. Need anything?"
"Just somebody to teleport me off this fucking rock. If
there's an asshole of the universe, we're on the planet that's
closest to it."
"10,000 credits and I'll take you. You're pretty good in bed.
I could use you."
"You think your dick is made of carbonite? I'll pass."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Pick my ass and eat it, I guess. So long, Solo."
Han's voice was suddenly serious. "May the Force be with you,
kid."
Luke spat a brownish lunger on the floor. "Stick the Force up
your ass."
Han grinned, flipped Luke the bird, and left.
------------------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 2: THE EMPIRE STRIKES CRACK
or LOOKING FOR MR. GOODDARTH
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1994)
Grand Moff Tarkin lounged at one end of the conference
table, absent-mindedly playing with his rapidly thinning hair.
Several strands came off in his hand.
"Shit." Tarkin stretched, lizard-like, and began scratching
himself.
With a quiet whoosh, the door slid open and Darth Vader strode
in. His rhythmic, mechanical breaths settled over the room like a
cloak. Vader went to the other end of the table, sat down, and put
his legs up, straining at the effort.
"Jee-zus Christ." Vader groaned deeply as he rotated his
shoulder blades.
"Any luck?" Tarkin stopped scratching and glanced at Vader,
who continued to stare at the ceiling, obliviously stretching his
mechanical joints. Tarkin cleared his throat loudly.
"Hey, Space Cadet. Are you answering in mime or are you
ignoring me?"
Vader looked over slowly. Tarkin felt a sudden tightening in
his crotch.
"You're not worming your way out of this, Vader. Release me
and report." The tightness quickly disappeared. Vader threw his
hands in the air.
"Fuck! Her resistance to my probe is considerable.
Stubborn bitch. She might as well have deflectors around her cunt.
It will be some time before we can extract any information from
her."
Tarkin raised one eyebrow. "A bit frigid?"
"Shit. Makes polar Hoth look like equatorial Tatooine at
midday. About as moist, too."
Tarkin smiled smugly. "Well, there's Alderaanian snatch for
you. Don't say I didn't warn you. The only thing tougher to pry
open than their purses are their legs."
"No wonder none of our troops bother taking leave there."
Tarkin suddenly got up and straightened his uniform,
adjusting his crotch. "Perhaps she might respond to an
alternative form of persuasion."
Vader looked him over and laughed. "You've got to be
kidding."
"What?"
"How old are you?"
Tarkin glared indignantly. "None of your business. At least
I can get it up without biomechanical pumps."
"Try falling into a pit of lava, Moffy. Then see how horny
you feel." Vader got up, his breaths quickening slightly.
Tarkin waved his arm. "Oh, fuck you. This bickering is
pointless. With my new weapon, I could crush her in one swift
stroke."
Vader walked slowly behind Tarkin and began massaging his
shoulders, whispering in his ear.
"Don't be too proud of this sado-masochistic terror you've
constructed. The ability to destroy a 20 year old girl's innocence
and self-esteem is insignificant next to the power of the Force."
Tarkin chuckled slightly. "Okay, yeah, whatever."
Vader's hands slipped off his shoulders and gently patted
Tarkin's buttocks. "Moffy, you of all people should appreciate the
Force after all the good times we've had."
"How much was you and how much was the Force?"
Vader batted his eyes behind his mask and gently turned his
ankle. "I'm not telling."
"Just don't call me Moffy in front of her."
"It won't make any difference. Not only is she frigid, she's
huge. It's like throwing a lightsaber down a space slug's throat.
You'll have to fist her to get anywhere."
"Fist?" Tarkin turned around, raising his head slightly to
meet Vader's gaze. "Shit, Vader, the last thing I fisted was a
Mimbanite whore at a concert on Circarpous V. I was just a
lieutenant, for Christ's sake."
"How'd that go?"
"Came four times. Two for each cunt."
"Well you won't get a hum out of this Organa bitch. I'd bet
on it."
Tarkin rubbed his chin. "How much?"
Vader shrugged. "You're fulla shit."
"I'm fuckin' serious. 5000 credits? More?"
"That's a lot of cash. I don't want to suck you completely
dry." Vader walked to the other end of the room, contemplating the
offer.
"Come on, Vader. I'm sure Palpatine'll cover you if you
haven't got it."
Vader adjusted his cuffs. "Three thousand."
"Four. I'll even throw in my new personal assistant."
Vader's breath quickened again at the thought. "That new boy?
The blonde?"
"Yep. He just arrived on the station. A bit cheeky at times,
but still charmingly wet behind the ears." Tarkin approached
Vader, grinning slyly for emphasis. "And just about everywhere
else."
"Everywhere?"
"It's like rolling in an Endorian meadow at daybreak.
Except you don't have to stop all the time to shoot those little
bear things."
"Done and done, Moffy." Vader extended his hand.
Tarkin shook it. "Four thousand is enough to teach you a
lesson. They didn't use to call me 'Grand Muff' Tarkin for
nothing, you know."
"We'll see."
Tarkin slapped his hands together, rubbing them. "Okay then.
I think there's a princess in a cell somewhere needs to get
fucked."
*********
Leia Organa gently applied ointment to her clitoris, wincing
slightly at the sting. At her feet lay the sputtering remains of
a torture robot, its round, black frame dented. Its penile
attachment was twisted and crushed.
The door to the cell suddenly whooshed open. Standing in the
doorway was a stormtrooper. Upon viewing Leia's display, he took
a step back.
Leia batted her eyes, unabashed. Putting the ointment down,
she slowly licked her finger and inserted it into her vagina. She
smiled.
"Who's next?"
Vader pushed the mesmerized trooper aside and entered the
room. Leia rolled her eyes.
"Darth Vader. Only you would be so bold. Ready for another
round, my little Pinocchio ninja?"
Vader ignored her sarcasm. "Now, your Highness, let us
discuss the location of your hidden rebel base."
"I don't know where you get your delusions, laser-balls."
Leia smirked, and kicked the broken torture droid to the far end
of the cell. "I was just discussing the rebels with your pain
'bot. He wasn't quite up to the challenge. His circuit got a
little...shorted."
"It is useless to resist."
"Tell that to an Alderaanian girl. Resistance keeps the
universe spinning."
"Where is the rebel base?"
"You were on the right track." Leia gently spread her
labia, allowing an unobstructed view inside. "It's right in here.
You'll just have to probe a little deeper. Don't worry, I don't
have teeth."
Vader mustered his best deadpan. "No wonder, with gums like
that."
Leia withdrew her fingers and threw her skirt back down over
her knees. "Well aren't you just the Lord of the Pith today."
"Cut the bullshit," Vader snorted. "Someone wants to see
you."
"Another Imperial limp-dick? Why not, I don't have anywhere
to go just now." Leia got up and straightened her robe.
Vader reached out and twisted one of Leia's nipples
viciously. She cried out.
"Ow, goddamnit!"
"This Imperial's a little better hung than most."
**********
Tarkin sat on a couch on the bridge of the Death Star,
combing his hair over his scalp using a pocket mirror. His red
velvet bathrobe was richly embroidered with images of exploding TIE
fighters. A huge viewscreen dominated one wall. It displayed
Alderaan, spinning serenely before a twinkling starfield.
Vader, the trooper, and Leia emerged from a lift at the far
end of the bridge and walked briskly over. Tarkin got up off the
couch and pressed a button on its arm. The couch quickly unfolded
into a four-poster bed. Leia scratched her head and farted.
"Governor Tarkin. I expected to find you here holding
Vader's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on
board."
Tarkin licked his lips. "Charming to the last." Slowly, he
drew the shiny leather leash out of his breast pocket, unfurling
it. "Actually I was going to use the leash on you. You don't
mind, do you Vader?"
Vader shrugged. "Just wash it afterwards."
Tarkin fastened the leash around Leia's neck. "You don't know
how difficult it was for me to sign the order to terminate your
life. You're not bad looking, apart from the hair."
"I'm surprised you had the stones to sign the order
yourself."
Tarkin sat down on the edge of the bed, crossing his legs.
"Princess Leia, before your execution, I'd like you to be present
at a ceremony which will make this battle station operational. No
star system in the galaxy will dare oppose the Emperor now."
Leia belched. "The tighter you squeeze your glutes, Tarkin,
the more star systems will slip right out of your asshole like so
much cosmic diarrhea."
"Not after they witness the full power of this station. In a
kind of fucked-up way, you've decided which planet will be blown to
hell first."
"Bullshit."
"Bulltrue." Tarkin slowly opened his robe, revealing his
somewhat emaciated-looking nude form. His medium-sized penis lay
against his thigh amongst a thin tangle of graying pubic hair.
Leia shuddered. "Just broadcast a picture of that.
Everyone on the planet'll kill themselves."
Tarkin lifted his penis, revealing a small blinking device
attached to his scrotum. "You see this? This device is hooked
directly to the ion cannon. When I come, your home planet of
Alderaan goes bye-bye."
Leia's eyes widened. "No, Alderaan is a peaceful world, we
have no weapons, you mustn't..."
Vader interrupted her with a loud bray of raspy laughter.
"Yeah, right. They're a bunch of tree-hugging humanitarians."
Leia lowered her eyes. "Well, maybe they haven't always been
totally peaceful..."
"Gimme a fuckin' break," Vader chortled.
"Okay, okay, they're a bunch of assholes, I admit it. But
it's home, you know." Leia shrugged. "Shit, go ahead, blow it up,
I don't care. I'm telling you dick."
Tarkin smiled. "Have it your way. Now let's get mounted."
Tarkin yanked violently on Leia's leash, pulling her down onto the
bed. Pinning her arms behind her back and pushing her down onto
her stomach, he ripped her stained white robe apart, exposing the
smooth white flesh of her buttocks. Spreading them with his
fingers, Tarkin coughed up a smooth rope of saliva, letting it
dribble over her rectum. Leia flinched in terror.
"Wait, not in there. I don't like it in there! Anywhere
else..." Leia struggled uselessly.
Tarkin leaned over close to her ear as he gently rubbed the
spit into her anus with his thumb. "You'd prefer another target,
a genital target, then name the system!"
Leia bit her lip, squirming at the sensation of Tarkin's long
thumbnail.
"I grow tired of asking this, so it will be the last time,"
Tarkin hissed. "Where's the fuckin' base?"
Leia's voice trembled slightly, barely above a whisper.
"Dantooine. They're on Dantooine."
"No good, Princess, we tried there. This'll hurt you a lot
more than it hurts..."
"No, wait! Did I say Dantooine? I meant Mantooine,
Mantooine! I get 'em confused, you know." Leia laughed
sheepishly.
Tarkin paused. "Mantooine, huh?"
"Yep. That's where you'll find 'em. Mantooine. Every
traitorous motherfuckin' one. Gimme a blaster, I'll kill a few for
you." Leia looked over her shoulder at Tarkin, smiling hopefully.
Tarkin rubbed his chin. "You see Vader, she can be
reasonable. Not such a bitch. Maybe...nah, fuck it. Alderaan is
in range. I'll fire when ready." He began rubbing his penis
around her rectum, trying to make it erect.
"What?!" Leia exclaimed.
"You're far too trusting. It's been too long since I
cornholed an Alderaanian chick. But don't worry..." Tarkin
paused, slapping his penis against her perineum, "We'll deal with
your rebel friends soon enough."
Leia closed her eyes, waiting for the pain. She gritted her
teeth, attempting to brace herself. A minute went by, and she felt
nothing. Another minute. Leia tried to look behind her, and
Tarkin slapped her sharply.
"Ow! I was just wondering what the holdup was. I'd like to
get this over with."
"Shut up! I'm trying."
"Are you rimming me, or what? Don't tell me that little
fleshy nub I feel is actually your prick. No wonder you have so
much anger toward the universe."
"Shut up, whore!" Tarkin slapped her again, and pulled the
leash taught, jerking Leia's head back. "It's Vader and that
trooper over there talking. They're distracting me."
Vader piped up from across the room. "But we haven't said
anything, Moffy. You must be hearing things."
"Fuck you!" Tarkin was sweating now, his gray hair
plastered to his forehead in clumps. "I can do this,
goddamnit..."
"If this is anal sex, it's not so bad." Leia laughed. "Wake
me up when you're done, Moffy." Leia closed her eyes and began
snoring loudly.
"I told you not to call me Moffy, Vader!" Tarkin screamed.
"I'll have you fucking court-martialed for this!"
"Oh, you're just pissed off about that 4000," Vader said.
"Don't worry, I'll treat your personal assistant well. I hope he's
as good as you said he is. Where is he?"
Tarkin moved his hips faster, panting with the exertion. His
penis still dangled lifeless as a slaughtered nerf. "My assistant
is standing next to you. The stormtrooper. Go ahead and look, but
you're not getting him. I can do this! I'm Grand Muff Tarkin!"
Vader looked over at the trooper, reached out, and slowly
lifted off his helmet, revealing the healthy, tanned features of a
blue-eyed boy. The boy blew his unkempt, sandy blonde hair out of
his eyes and looked up at Vader in awe.
"What's your name, boy?"
"Luke, lord. I was just posted on the station."
"So I've heard." Vader leaned in close. "Why don't you go
over there and assist your former master. He's old, you know, it's
embarrassing."
"Yes, master."
"Do you like girls?"
Luke shrugged. "They're okay. I saw this one in a
holomessage once. She's alright, except for the hair."
"Do you think you're up to it?"
A long, boyish grin spread out over Luke's features. "No
problem. It'll be just like Beggar's Canyon back home. Just a
little smellier."
With a last spasm of effort, Tarkin fainted on top of Leia,
his entire body as limp as his useless organ. Leia rolled him off
the bed in disgust.
"Well I wouldn't rank that in my top ten sexual experiences.
That Gamorrean at Star's End had more tact." Leia sat up, pulling
off the leash and casting it aside. Then she noticed Luke standing
in front of her, smiling lasciviously.
"Let me guess," Leia said. "You just got posted here."
"Yeah. Never had this kind of duty before." Luke pulled off
his white codpiece, revealing his genitals. Leia looked them over
dispassionately.
"Aren't you a little small for a stormtrooper?"
"You'll find I'm full of surprises." Luke bent over Tarkin,
pulled the blinking device off his scrotum, and attached it to his
own. He was already erect.
Leia lay back with a groan. "At least you've gotten that far.
Okay, get on with it."
Luke entered her roughly, twisting his buttocks like a
corkscrew. He began to move rhythmically, imagining he was riding
tailwinds and airpockets in his T-16. Leia's vagina was somewhat
spacious, but not without a certain boyish charm.
Vader looked on quietly, breathing heavily and polishing his
lightsaber.
As the pleasure mounted, Luke suddenly heard a familiar voice
in his mind:
USE THE FORCE, LUKE.
Luke blinked. "Is that you, old man?"
Ben's voice took on a sarcastic edge. NO, IT'S GANDHI. WHO
THE FUCK ELSE TALKS TO YOU LIKE THIS?
"Well Gandhi, what do you want now?"
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE RESORTED TO FEMALES. I'M DEPRESSED.
"Molest somebody else's mind, why don't you?"
Leia broke in. "Who the hell are you talking to?"
"Nobody. Shut up."
PUSHY LITTLE CUNT, ISN'T SHE? ALDERAANIANS ARE LIKE THAT.
THE WOMEN FOR SURE. THEY'RE LIKE A UNION.
"Leave me alone, alright? I'm trying to fuck here."
OH YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S REALLY LOVING IT TOO.
"Go to hell."
YOU JUST CAN'T FACE THE FACT THAT THE BEST FUCKING YOU'LL EVER
GET IS RIGHT BACK IN THE DUNE SEA WITH ME.
"It's a big universe. I'll find something better."
NO, YOU'RE ALONE. YOU'RE ALL ALONE. AND YOU WON'T BE FREE OF
THAT FEELING OF BEING ALONE UNTIL YOU LOOK DEATH RIGHT IN THE FACE.
NOW I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT...
"That's 'cos it is. You had your chance, you old bastard."
SURE, LET GO LUKE. TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. FEEL THE FORCE
FLOWING THROUGH YOU.
"Would you do me a big favor and fuck off?"
YOUR EYES CAN DECEIVE YOU, DON'T TRUST THEM. AN ELEGANT
WEAPON, OF A MORE CIVILIZED AGE.
"I'm not listening. This chick's pussy is a lot tighter than
your fat slack ass, you know that?"
WHO'S MORE FOOLISH, THE FOOL, OR THE FOOL WHO FOLLOWS HIM?
"Who's a fool, Knobby-One? I've got a good job, a rich
master, and an Alderaanian girlfriend. That'll be a pretty rare
commodity in a few seconds." Luke shut his eyes, writhing in
pleasure. Ben fell silent, momentarily at a loss.
HEY, FUCKFACE.
"What is it now?"
DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU'RE BANGING YOUR SISTER?
"Whatever."
IT'S TRUE.
Luke opened his eyes and looked at Leia, who now appeared to
be enjoying the experience. She was smiling broadly and entwining
her fingers in Luke's pubic hair. He examined her features
carefully for a resemblance.
"You know what, old man?"
WHAT, SKYFUCKER?
"I don't give a flying fuck at the moons of Yavin. Now get
ready to feel a great fucking disturbance in the Force!"
Luke suddenly withdrew his penis and held it over Leia. The
glans was nearly purple, swelling like a Gundark's bladder. Leia
clutched at it with both hands, panting.
"You're all clear, kid!" she cried out breathlessly. "Now
let's blow this thing and go home!" She opened her mouth and stuck
out her tongue.
Luke cried out. "I'VE GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS!!"
With a spasm which racked his entire body, Luke's ejaculate
exploded like a supernova over Leia's flushed face. She began
swallowing it hungrily. Through the main viewport, there was a
green flash and a blinding explosion...
*********
Vader handed a steaming cup of coffee to Luke, who gulped it
eagerly. He grimaced.
"That's awful."
Vader sat down next to him on the bed. "You know, you're
going to be my personal servant now."
"Yeah, I heard about the bet."
"How do you feel about it?"
"Okay I guess." Luke looked him over. "Are you like...a
normal man?"
Vader chuckled. "Oh no. I'm a lot better than normal. Join
me, and I'll complete your training. With our combined strength,
we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the
galaxy." Vader began rubbing the inside of Luke's thigh. "And uh,
if we have a little fun in the process, who'll carp?"
"Sure, why not? But on one condition."
"Name it."
"I get to keep the girl."
Vader thought for a moment. "Alright. But she can't sleep in
our room."
"Fair enough." Luke looked at the blinking panel of lights on
Vader's chest. He began fingering them. "What do these do,
anyway?"
"You'll find out tonight." Vader tenderly ran his other hand
through Luke's hair.
Leia approached, wearing Tarkin's robe and carrying a tray
with two plates on it. She smiled at them.
"Okay, who's for a little Ewok surprise?"
Vader and Luke both took the plates from her. "What's the
surprise?" Vader asked.
"You won't vomit."
Luke took a tentative bite. Vader opened the triangular grid
on his faceplate and shoveled a forkful in.
"Not bad," said Luke. "Not bad at all."
Vader made an appreciative noise. "Pretty fucking good."
Leia's smile widened. "I'm glad you like it."
In a few moments, the food had disappeared. Luke began wiping
crumbs off of Vader's mask.
"I've gotta take Moffy to the infirmary," Vader said. "Have
her clean up. Be waiting for me in my quarters by 0900."
"I'll be ready."
Vader got up, hoisted Tarkin's nude, unconscious body over his
shoulder, and left the bridge. Leia sat down next to Luke and
patted his knee. Slowly he put an arm around her, and they lay
back on the bed, staring at the newly-formed Alderaanian asteroid
field through the viewscreen.
"Leia?"
"What?"
"You're not pissed at me, are you? For blowing up your
planet?"
"Nah. It was true what everybody said about the place. A
bunch of hotheaded pricks and egomaniacal tightasses. I doubt
anyone will even want to investigate. In fact..." Leia grinned
devilishly, "I think it might have made it better. The sex, I
mean. All those millions of voices screaming out in terror...then
being suddenly silenced." She licked her teeth erotically.
"So you liked it?"
"Yeah. In fact..."
"What?"
"What's the next nearest inhabited planet?"
"It's uh...Tatooine."
Leia reached over into Luke's pants and began massaging him
gently. He started to become erect immediately. "Whattya say?"
"Don't you need a little more time to recover?"
Leia laughed, rolled over on top of Luke, took out his
penis, and begin licking the head in circular motions.
Her blue eyes glittered darkly. "I guess," she intoned, her
voice slightly muffled by Luke's foreskin, "you don't know
everything about women yet."
-------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 3: SPERM OF THE JEDI
or WOOKIEES 'N CREAM
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1994)
Lando peered coldly through a thickening cloud of Tibanna gas
pipe smoke. He threw his multi-colored sabacc cards to the floor
with a grunt of disgust.
"You slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler."
Han grinned broadly. "You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-
looking nerf-herder."
"Cum-burping, butt-smuggling, two-bit Corellian jizz-wailer."
Han dropped his cards and cracked his knuckles. "Come on,
Lando. I don't want to have to sick Chewie on you. Let's see some
skin."
Lando slowly stood up from the table, wearing only a tight g-
string made of Calamarian leather. The rest of his clothes lay in
a small pile on the floor. Also seated at the circular table were
Chewbacca, Boba Fett, and IG-88, all in various states of undress.
Han was the only one still fully-clothed. They were playing on an
open balcony adjacent to Lando's suite, offering a magnificent view
of the Cloud City Skyline at sunset.
Lando awkwardly peeled off the g-string, allowing his sizable
penis to flip free and dangle in the Bespin breeze. His scrotum
had shrunk to the size of a walnut. Han leaned back in his chair,
stuffing his winnings into his pockets.
He smirked. "Look at you. Titty hard-ons, nuts sucked in
tighter than your stomach. You look like a first-timer. Who'd
have thought that, huh? Are you afraid your mom's gonna walk in?"
"It's that goddamn Wookiee. He keeps sniffing my ass."
Chewbacca flexed his shoulder muscles and grunted. "Rrrrggg
rowwrr, rreearrrr, raaahhhrr." (On Kashyyyk, one born so poorly
hung would be left to die on the Great Mountain of Moopsac.)
Lando glared at Chewie. "What the fuck is he saying?"
Han shrugged. "Beats the shit outta me."
"He's your pet, isn't he? I thought you understood his
language."
"Language? He's just a big grunting animal. I doubt he's
thinking cosmic thoughts. What would we talk about, anyway?"
"Rrrghh raaaruu roooghgg rarahh." (I could have a more
stimulating conversation with a mild case of Brigian crabs.)
Boba Fett, wearing only his helmet, broke in. "If he's so
dumb, how come he can pilot your ship and fix it quicker than you
can, Solo?"
Han lit the bud on the gas pipe and inhaled. His voice took
on a high pitch as he held the gas in his lungs. "Typical
Skinnerian reward/punishment training." He exhaled slowly. "How
did you think? Documentaries?"
"Raaa rourreh ree rahh." (Sure, fucknuts. He taught me.
Shit, I'm only 165 years older than anybody else at this table.)
Han stood up. "Okay, Lando, enough stalling. You know the
rules. You lost your dignity fair and square. It's time to pay
the piper."
Lando's penis retracted an inch as he shuddered. "Can't I pay
you guys in credits this time?"
IG-88 stood up with a mechanical whir. A staccato,
synthesized southern drawl emanated from his vocoder. "Calrissian,
I didn't come all the goddamn way to the asshole of space just to
whack over a tech manual. My joint is almost frozen. I ain't
takin' off 'til I get it off, so spread 'em, ya fuckin' asshole."
Lando reluctantly switched off the sabacc field and lay down
on his stomach, draping himself over the table. "Fuckin' bounty
hunters. I told you we didn't need this scum, Solo. Don't you
give a rat's ass about me anymore?"
Han unzipped his pants and began massaging his penis, making
it erect. "Fuck you, if I'd lost, you'd be able to fly the Falcon
through your shit-eating grin."
"Come on, you old pirate. Double or nothing?"
"Double what? Have you grown another asshole recently?"
Chewie parted the fur on his groin, and his furry black organ
slowly emerged, like some kind of mutant digworm testing the air.
Lando spied it and his eyes widened in horror.
"Holy fuck," he whispered, his teeth chattering. "That's no
dick. It's a space station."
"Better let him be, it's not wise to upset a wookiee with
wood." Han was now at half-mast.
"Fuck you, Han. Nobody worries about upsetting a Tibanna gas
mine administrator who's down on his luck."
"That's 'cos Tibanna gas mine administrators don't have two-
foot cocks that could blast a hole in a shield door."
Lando began sweating in terror. "I've got a bad feeling about
this."
Boba Fett hissed sharply. "What if Calrissian doesn't
survive? He's no good to me dead. Well...not much good, anyway."
Han bit his lip, his face reddening. "You can go before
Chewie, okay? If he dies before your turn, then check in at a jump
joint. Either that or make sure you can set the shower on Slave 1
to 'cold', 'cos I'm sure as shit not touchin' your greasy ass."
Lando, his eyes still locked on Chewie's member, was barely
able to form words. "This deal's getting worse all the time."
Chewie chortled. "Rrrr rgaarghh reurrrarh roowarrhh." (If
Mallatobuck could see me now she'd shit. A human rectum has all
the resistance of wet tissue paper. Christ knows what I'll catch
from this faggot. Oh, how I long for the mighty, fur-lined cunts
of Kashyyyk!)
IG-88 sprayed oil on his gleaming penile attachment. "We need
a battin' order, boys. If the dog goes last, who's on first?"
Han grabbed Lando's buttocks and pulled them apart, surveying
his quivering anus. "I am." He spit on his fingers and lubricated
his cock.
Lando groaned. "Come on, Solo. Gimme a break. What about my
little maneuver at the Battle of Tanaab? Isn't that worth a
reprieve?"
"Have you forgotten about your 'little manuever' at the Orgy
of Mytus VII?"
Lando rolled his eyes. "That was a long time ago, I'm sure
everybody's forgotten about that by now."
Fett piped up. "Mytus VII? There's no such planet."
Han stuck his finger into Lando's ass, loosening it up. "They
changed the name to Mytus VIII after the Orgy. Too much bad
press."
Lando squirmed at the sensation of Solo's cold index finger.
"I was...just following orders."
"Rrrahhh rowrr rrerahhr reeereghar." (At least Kamarrian
Howlrunners have a little fight to them. All these humans do is
talk, talk, talk.)
Han positioned his cock squarely, aiming it. "Cheer up,
Lando. You should be honored makin' it with a scoundrel like me.
I've got the death penalty for statutory rape in twelve systems."
Suddenly, a familiar low-pitched voice burst onto the balcony.
"Sure, Captain Solo. Maybe a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far
away." Darth Vader, followed by a retinue of stormtroopers, slid
the balcony door open and stepped through, his black cape billowing
menacingly.
Han spun quickly and drew his blaster, already firing. The
bolts ricocheted harmlessly off Vader's outstretched hand, and Han
felt an invisible force rip the gun from his grasp and pull it
across the room into Vader's palm. Then another invisible force
yanked his zipper up sharply, catching his erect cock. Han
screamed and fell to his knees, clutching himself.
Lando sprang off the table, rubbing his ass. He smiled
broadly and mussed Han's hair, laughing. "I had no choice. They
arrived right before you did. Sorry, man. Whew!" He shook his
head and began putting his clothes back on.
Vader handed Han's blaster to one of his stormtroopers and
began collecting the credits on the sabacc table into a pocket on
his cape. "I'm afraid you boys are gonna have to come with me. We
understand that certain illicit substances are being distributed
from this station." Vader picked up the Tibanna gas pipe and
examined it. "How interesting. Some kind of musical instrument?"
Lando shook his head innocently. "Solo brought that with him,
Lord Vader. I was just about to report him to the authorities."
Han hissed through clenched teeth, still cradling his wounded
prick. "Yeah, you're a real fuckin' hero."
Chewie leaned against the balcony railing and shook his head.
"Rrrrarhhrrhh rauuurhhh roooorrgharh rrrr." (This asshole Solo
certainly has a way with people. What a fuckin' mess. But this
tall black one shows a little promise. Hmm...) He eyed Vader's
stout, 7 foot frame admiringly.
Lando slapped his hands together, smiling. "So, who here's in
the mood for a little Chinese?"
*********
A thick blast of steam filled the dimly-lit carbon freezing
chamber. Vader waved the steam out of his face, sucking the last
dregs of his wonton soup through a straw. He belched
appreciatively. "My compliments to your Chinese cooks, Calrissian.
Have them brought to my ship. They're gonna take a little star
trek with me for a while."
Lando stepped forward indignantly, chewing. He dropped his
fortune to the floor, unread. "Hey, man, you said the cooks would
be left in the city under my supervision!"
"Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?"
Lando rolled his eyes. "Oh, no, you're treating me like a
king. I offer you free food, you kidnap my cooks. I'm so happy!"
"Quit bitching. If not for me, you'd have that wookiee's
schwanz halfway up your lower G.I. right now."
"I could've dealt with that. But I like Chinese!"
Chewie, surrounded by an armed guard of several stormtroopers,
barked out a laugh. "Rarrharh rheeahr!" (Sure, Calrissian, you
could have dealt. And we're all gonna picnic on Alderaan next week
with the Imperial Senate.)
Han, his hands bound behind his back, was led onto the carbon
freezing platform. "Laugh it up, fuzzball. You're too dumb to
realize that I'll be probably be hanging in Jabba's sculpture
garden in a couple of days."
"Roowarrh raahahrhrr reeerrarroww." (You're breakin' my
fuckin' heart. Maybe I'll drop by every few years and hose the
pigeon shit off you.)
Boba Fett nudged Vader gently. "What if he doesn't
survive..."
Vader brushed his hand away. "Then he'll be dead. And two
plus two is four. Anything else need clearing up?"
Suddenly, Luke Skywalker burst into the chamber, tightly
gripping a somewhat poorly-constructed lightsaber. "Alright, what
the fuck's taking so long?"
Leia scampered in after him, wearing only a silver bra and
panties. She began tugging on Luke's arm. "Come on, Luke. You're
not done with your training yet."
Luke jerked his arm away roughly. "Hey, Vader, what's the
story? Why wasn't I invited to this little party?"
Vader approached Luke and patted his groin gently. "The Force
is with you, young Skywalker, but you're not a Jedi yet. Now get
back to our cabin and wait for me."
Han, noticing Luke, piped up. "Hokey religions and ancient
weapons are no match for a good Corellian cock in your mouth, kid.
I expected more from you." Luke, noticing Han for the first time,
pushed Vader aside and approached.
"Han, old buddy."
"How are you doin, kid?"
"Same as always."
"That bad, huh?"
Han looked over Luke's saber. "Make that yourself?"
"Yeah."
"I thought so. Back on that dustball you told me you gave up
all this space samurai jive. 'Happy Forceshit' you used to call
it, remember? Why the change of heart?"
"Well," Luke shrugged, motioning to Vader. "I gotta earn my
keep somehow. It makes the old man happy, so I go along with it."
Han eyed Leia appreciatively. "Who's your new prick cozy?"
Luke grinned. "Princess Leia Organa, last of the Alderaanian
cock-squashers. The same chick we saw in that message."
"No shit? Damn, kid, you really turned her around."
Leia approached, adjusting her bra over her abnormally large
breasts. She pinched Luke's ass. "Who's your friend?"
"Gambler, con artist, scoundrel, you'll like him. Leia, meet
Han Solo."
Han leaned forward and kissed Leia's hand. "Must admit, Your
Highness, your wood factor has gone up a lot since that
holomessage."
Luke ran his hand through Leia's lustrous, long hair. "Well,
her hair's different, for one thing. And these," Luke grabbed one
of Leia's breasts, squeezing it, "are brand new. The latest T-38's
from Silica IV."
Leia gently pulled Luke's hand away. "Careful, honey, they're
still kinda sensitive."
Han's gaze caressed Leia's bosom. "Well, Your Highness, I
guess this is it. Too bad."
"That's right." Leia began pulling Luke away from the
freezing platform.
"What's going on?" Luke glared at Leia, miffed.
"What are you, blind? He's being put into carbon freeze."
"What? That's bullshit!"
"Hey, he chose his own path. Nobody chose it for him."
"He's my friend, bitch, you don't even know him!"
"Alderaanian women can tell about people. And careful who you
call 'bitch.'"
Vader coughed, interrupting. "I hate to break this up, but
I'd rather not be here forever. Mr. Freeze?"
"He'd better survive this," Fett grumbled.
One of the stormtroopers moved to the carbon freezing control
panel. Luke immediately ignited his lightsaber. Its sickly yellow
beam sputtered and flashed. He brought it down on the trooper's
head, splitting it in half. Sizzling hot blood sprayed Luke's
face, and the trooper flopped to the floor like a rag doll.
The other stormtroopers were already taking their aim when
Vader shouted, "Wait, hold your fire! He's just a little angry,
let him work it out."
Luke advanced on one of the other troopers, who pointed his
blaster at him shakily. "Uh, Lord Vader?" the trooper asked
urgently.
"What is it?"
"How about I just stun him?"
"No, don't interfere."
"Please, Lord?"
"Just follow orders, shitbird."
"Oh, fuc..." The troopers last words were cut short by Luke's
saber, which sliced through his helmet into his neck. Luke
wrenched the saber free, leaving the trooper's helmeted head
dangling from his neck by a slender ribbon of flesh. The trooper
began running around wildly, until he smashed against a wall and
slumped in a twitching heap, spouting blood from his neck like a
fountain.
Vader smiled. "Do you feel the Force, my boy?"
Luke grinned hellishly, his face red, as he dismembered the
rest of the passive and sheepish-looking stormtrooper squad.
"Yeah, this is fun! I feel the Force for the first time in my
life! It's like having the biggest hard-on in the universe!"
"You've learned much, young one." Vader nudged Lando and
motioned to Luke. "I taught him everything, you know."
Chewie shook his head as he observed the steadily growing pile
of bodies. "Reearaghhr." (The last cup of Ruurian decaf I had was
stronger than all these cheesedicks put together.)
When the last of the troopers was dead, Luke preened happily,
nearly slipping in their viscera. He beamed at Vader.
"I want more guys! Send for more guys!"
"Game's over now, my son. Sorry, but we've gotta freeze your
friend. Leia, will you..."
Leia nodded and karate-chopped Luke lightly on the back of the
neck. He fell immediately.
*********
Luke awoke to find himself held fast by IG-88. He struggled
uselessly. 88 laughed.
"Give it up, farm boy. You struggle like a bitch-pup on a
paper leash. Hey Vader, looks like you done hooked yourself a sow
instead of a boar."
"Shut up, 88," Vader hissed.
Luke looked around. They were all still in the carbon
freezing facility. "How long have I been out?"
Vader glanced at his watch. "Two hours."
"Two hours? What were you all doing?"
"Waiting."
"Why is this metal prick groping me?"
"You've gotta learn discipline."
"Is Han...?"
Han was sitting cross-legged on the freezing platform. "I'm
still here, kid. We couldn't have you sleeping through the big
dramatic scene, and the Dark Lord over there wouldn't wake you up.
Tell that chick to pull her punch next time." Solo got up,
groaning slightly at his stiff joints.
"I've been lifting, okay?" Leia snorted, cleaning her nails.
"Suck my left."
"Love to, your Highnessness. Hope the milk isn't as sour as
your puss."
"Is that all you do? Talk?"
"Sorry, your Worship," Han grinned. "Haven't got time for
anything else."
Chewie suddenly roared in frustration. "Rarearrhgharh!" (For
Christ's sake, freeze the sonofabitch and let's get on with our
lives!)
"Here, here." Vader motioned to Leia, who pressed a button on
the freezing control. Han was slowly lowered into the freezing
pit. Luke struggled uselessly against 88. He looked deeply into
Han's eyes.
"I love you." A tear streamed down his face.
Han looked back at Luke, sadly shaking his head. "It was just
sex, kid. There'll be another time. The Princess. You've got
to...take care of her, you know? Show her who's the boss. Don't
let her geld you. Every man has a lightsaber. Doesn't matter how
big it is. It's how he uses it."
Leia laughed, rolling her eyes. "Okay, thanks for that
Kaiburr Crystal of wisdom. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the only
skirt in this saga."
"Join the club," Han grumbled. "Wonderful girl, Luke. Either
I'm gonna fuck her or I'm beginning to like her.
The platform hit the bottom, and a jet of steam filled the
pit. Han's eyes opened wide. "Hey, kid, this isn't so bad! You
should try..." His words were cut short as the carbonite poured in.
Luke spoke bitterly as 88 released him. "Oh, man. There goes
my ride."
A huge mechanical claw lifted the block of carbonite out of
the pit and set it upright. A couple of Ugnaughts scurried in and
tipped the block over. It landed with a huge thud.
A few parts of Han's body were protruding from the carbonite,
completely uncovered, including his mouth and groin. He coughed
out a few fragments of carbonite, clearing his throat.
"What the fuck? I have a feeling something went wrong."
Vader rubbed his helmet, frustrated. "Calrissian, what's the
story?"
Lando threw his hands up, indignant. "I told you we don't
usually use this for freezing people. We can do it again, if you
want."
"No, no, no, never mind. It's embarrassing enough as it is."
He glanced at Boba Fett. "Do you mind?"
"As long as he survives..."
"I'm glad you're so concerned with everyone's survival."
Vader began pointing at everyone in the room. "Well look, he
survived, I survived, you survived..."
Han whined from inside the carbonite. "Come on, this sucks,
let me out!"
Luke yelled at Vader. "Let him out. He's my friend."
Vader chuckled. "Oh, I don't know if he'd survive that. What
do you think, Boba?"
"Fuck you."
"Fuck me?!" Vader blanched in mock horror. "Oooh, how can I
survive such abuse!"
Fett flicked Vader off and left in a huff, shouting. "Just
leave Solo there, I'll come back for him. Prick."
Luke approached Vader, an intense look on his face. He
gripped his makeshift saber tightly. "Alright, Sugar Daddy. Let
my friend out, or we're gonna have a problem."
Vader shoved him back roughly. "What are you gonna do, fuck
me to death?" Vader motioned to Luke, and Luke's zipper
immediately went down. His prick was pulled out of his pants by an
invisible force.
Luke shook his head. "You're not gonna get me with that
again. I've got you wrapped around my little finger, Darth. If I
withhold sex for a day I can have you squirming on the floor eating
my shit like a starving gravel-maggot."
Leia called out to Luke in a stern tone. "Come on, Luke, do
what he says."
"Bullshit, Leia. You didn't see us alone in the South
Passage. He expressed his true feelings for me. You've never
heard such sappy horseshit in your life. He'd die without me."
Luke snapped on his lightsaber and brandished it before him.
Vader reluctantly pulled out his saber and switched it on.
Its powerful red beam made Luke's look pitiful in comparison. He
laughed. "You've learned much, young one, but you've still got a
long way to go. Look at your saber, for Christ's sake. It bends
the wrong way. You don't want to fight me."
Luke smiled. "You'll find I'm full of..."
Without warning, Vader spun Luke's saber out of his hand, and
brought his own saber down on Luke's penis, severing it completely.
Luke screamed and fell to the floor, clutching his groin. Vader
circled him triumphantly, leaning over and taunting him.
"Full of what? What were you gonna say? Formex? Boiled
chak-root, maybe? Fresh bacta? What exactly are you full of?"
Vader switched off his saber and clipped it to his belt, then
kicked Luke's penis over to him. "You don't want to leave this
lying around, you know, someone might trip."
Chewie cringed. "Raeeggarrh roooeeer rawwar." (Never thought
I'd feel sorry for a human, but that's gotta smart. Damn.)
Leia shook her head. "Goddamnit. I told him. Dumb fuck."
Vader kneeled down in front of Luke. "You are beaten. It is
useless to resist. Don't make me destroy you."
Luke hissed through his teeth. "Oh, no, I wouldn't want you
to do anything drastic! You fucker!" He rolled on the floor in
agony.
"I know you're pissed now, but it was for your own good.
Someday you'll understand..."
"Understand?! When?! When it grows back?!"
"Oh, stop whining. Hey, Obi-Wan never told you what happened
to your father, did he?"
"He told me enough! He told me you killed him, which was
bullshit, of course. Actually he got gang-fucked to death by a
bunch of..."
"No...I am your father."
Luke looked up at him. "Oh, great. It's bad enough I was
fucking my own sister. This makes Oedipus Rex look like 'My Three
Sons.'"
"What?!" Leia yelled from the back of the room. "What was
that about a sister?"
"Leia, you're my sister. Vader's our Dad."
"Sure. And Lando's our mom, I guess. That makes these
Ugnaughts our half-brothers."
Lando began backing away. "This is too weird for me. Fuck
this, I'm Audi 5000." Lando ran from the room, followed by the
jabbering group of Ugnaughts.
IG-88 walked stiffly toward the exit, following them out.
"Y'all have a lot of catchin' up to do. Adios."
Han piped up from inside the carbonite. "Is anybody here
related to me? I'd like to know now, before I fuck anyone else."
Leia sat down on Han, scratching her breasts. "Don't worry,
you're safe. Jesus, this is twisted."
"Looks like father and son have a lot to work out over there."
"Yeah."
"Hey Princess. Seein' as how we're not related, and this
might be my last chance for a while...How'd you like a hearty
breakfast of Corellian sausage with gravy?"
Leia examined Han's penis, which dangled free of the carbonite
block. She tickled it with her finger, weighing her options. "I
don't know." The organ began filling with blood. Leia shrugged. "What
the hell." She began flicking at it lightly with her tongue,
letting it grow upward to meet her lips. Han groaned.
"You're one of those chicks with a thing for pirates, aren't
you?"
Leia licked her lips, tasting Han's pre-ejaculate. "I happen
to like nice men."
"I'm nice men."
"We'll see." Han's cock was fully erect now, and she took it
languidly into her mouth, covering most of its length. She twisted
her head from side to side, biting down slightly and gently washing
it with her tongue.
"Oh, baby. It's kinda nice bein' frozen. Oh, yeah..." He
gritted his teeth at the sensations.
Leia's head bobbed up and down rhythmically over his cock.
With her hand she played with his balls, which were soft and
pliable from the heat. Slowly, she lifted her mouth away from him
and began working his cock with her hand. She slid down with her
tongue and began sucking Solo's testicles. She went from one to
the other, letting each pop into her mouth from the suction.
Meanwhile, Vader was running his hand through Luke's hair,
trying to console him.
"Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this."
"I wish he'd warned me about this part."
"It is your destiny."
"Oh, fuck off." Luke began dragging himself away from Vader,
leaving an enormous trail of blood. "Everybody's always tellin' me
about my destiny. 'Be a farmer, Luke,' 'Be a jedi, Luke,' 'Be a
pirate, Luke.' 'Stay on Tatooine,' 'Go to Dagobah', 'Go to Hell.'
'Suck dick,' 'Eat pussy.' I'm sick of all you twisted old
motherfuckers telling me what to do. I'm gonna choose my destiny!"
"And exactly what are you gonna choose?"
"I don't know yet! Everything looks pretty shitty so far.
But when I find something..."
"Sure, keep dreaming. Your old man's as good as you'll get,
boy." Vader picked Luke's penis up off the floor and put it in his
belt. He stood up and straightened his robe. "I'll be back on my
ship waiting for you. But don't take too long." He left.
Leia was tracing the veins on Han's cock with her tongue,
marveling at his staying power. "You're not too shabby, Corellian.
Luke never lasted more than 30 seconds in my mouth."
"The kid's got a lot to learn."
Leia looked up at Chewie, who was watching dispassionately
while checking himself for parasites. "Who's the walking carpet
over there?"
"That's Chewbacca, my co-pilot."
"Why doesn't he join us?"
"I don't know, sister, he's a little big."
"You forget, I'm Alderaanian." She motioned to Chewie. "Here
boy, come on, here boy! Mama's got something nice for you."
Chewie laughed. "Reeauurhgahh raaahh." (No respect for her
elders. Aw, what the fuck. I'll give this chesty one something to
regret in the morning.) He walked casually over. Leia was huddled
over Han's groin, her ass in the air. Chewie hooked one curled
claw under the strap of her bikini briefs and ripped them off. He
surveyed her vagina, spreading it with his thumbs.
"Roooarrhh raagarr reeeoouurarrh." ('It is easier for a
Rancor to pass through the eye of a needle...')
"Come on, Chewie," Han urged. "Get in there, you big furry
oaf. I don't care what you smell."
Chewie lubricated his cock as best he could and inserted it,
half-erect, into Leia's cunt. She gasped at the sensation.
"Jeeezus Christ! How much of you is there?"
"Reearrreeuhhgh rawarr." (You don't want to know, honey.)
Chewie began pumping his hips rhythmically, driving himself
into Leia as far as he could go. Half of his cock was still
outside her as it continued its merciless expansion. He leaned
forward and bit Leia on the shoulder viciously. She let out a
muffled cry of pain, climaxing at the same time, and momentarily
forgetting about Han's cock, which was still pressed
enthusiastically against her uvula. Blood began to stream from the
wound in her shoulder.
Chewie withdrew his fangs and settled into an easygoing
stroke, starting to enjoy the sensations of Leia's vagina (which
was of course remarkably small by wookiee standards.) Leia panted
and moaned desperately, sweat flying from her and spattering Han's
lips.
"Hey, Chewie, what the hell's going on back there?" Han's
mouth turned down at the edges, frowning.
"Reearrahrhra rooooaaruaur reeeaaarrhghh." (I could develop
a taste for this. Forgive me, Malla.) He continued stroking, the
tension steadily mounting. Leia's eyes fluttered as she teetered
on the brink of unconsciousness.
"Oh God, Oh God, Oh God..."
From the other side of the chamber, Luke watched bitterly,
still using both hands to staunch the bleeding from his groin.
"Boy, I hope you're all having fun over there. Never mind Luke who
just got his dick cut off and carried into space by his own father.
Just let him watch his only sister get fucked by a dog, no problem.
He doesn't mind."
Leia screamed out, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Her panting breaths
began to assume an almost musical tone. She was sure Chewie's
prick would certainly tear her in half.
Chewie began emitting a strange, low pitched growl.
"Please let that sound mean he's about to come." Han's cock
flopped against her cheek as she was jerked back and forth.
"Bingo, your Highness." Han said. "It won't be too much
longer."
With a spasm that seemed to shake the entire floor, Chewie
climaxed, expelling a thick load of semen into Leia. He roared
mightily as it overflowed her cunt, squeezing out past his cock and
splashing onto the floor.
Leia exhaled, exhausted. "I'm glad he's not multi-orgasmic.
I can practically taste it. Remind me never to do this again."
She began kissing Han's cock gratefully. "Thank God for the
average. Now let's get him out of me so I can clean up."
Han chuckled. "'Fraid not, your Worship."
"What?"
"Well, you see, a wookiee's penis expands inside the vagina
during intercourse. Barring an episiotomy, there's no way we can
get him out of you for at least the next 8 hours."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Nope."
Leia rubbed her forehead, exhausted. "My mother warned me
there'd be days like this."
Luke glared at the three of them, muttering under his breath.
"Fuck you all."
*********
In the Cloud City medical center, Two-One-Bee was putting the
finishing touches on Luke's new penis. Under remote control, it
hardened and softened at intervals of 30 seconds.
Luke yawned. "Is it done yet?"
"Just a moment, sir." Two-One-Bee began poking the penis with
a sharp-edged prod. Luke winced.
"Ow! What the fuck is that for?"
"I don't know." Two-One-Bee withdrew the prod.
Luke got up from his bed and walked around the room, gently
stroking his new organ. "Well, I'd like to test this thing out.
How 'bout it, sis?"
Leia lay on her stomach in the bed next to his, her ass
heavily bandaged. She frowned at him. "Very funny, Luke. This
droid says I won't be able to piss without his help for a couple
more weeks. Fuckin' wookiee."
"I guess now you appreciate me a little more."
"Don't jump to conclusions. Solo is better than you are."
"That reminds me. You'll have to do without him for a while.
I gave him to Boba Fett. They oughta be half-way to Tatooine by
now."
Leia suddenly looked confused. "Wait a second. We blew up
Tatooine with the Death Star, remember? Along with Akrit'tar,
Ammuud, Dellalt, Orron III..."
"I meant Dantooine. Jabba the Hutt has a summer place there.
I'm sure he wasn't on Tatooine when it blew."
"So you gave up your best friend just to spite me?"
"Yep. I don't give a shit. I'll make lots of friends with my
new dick."
"You're becoming quite a mercenary. Do you actually care
about anything, or anybody?"
"Apart from me?"
"Yeah."
"Nope."
"That's what I figured." Leia spat in disgust and picked up
a magazine.
Luke tapped Two-One-Bee on the shoulder. "So how long can I
last during sex with this thing?"
"However long you want to, sir."
"And I can make it as big as I want?"
"The synthetic skin is tested up to 15 inches."
Luke laughed. "You better get used to this hospital, Leia.
Shit, I'll have half the city in here with sore asses in a week."
"Yeah, right," Leia grumbled. "Our dad might have something
to say about that."
"Oh, fuck our Dad. He can jerk off up there 'til his orbit
decays. What did he ever do for us? He can't stop me. With my
new prick I'm gonna learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi.
Then nobody can fuck with me. I'll show 'em. I'll show the whole
fuckin' galaxy. They won't soon forget the name Skywalker."
Luke pulled on a pair of pants. "Hey, droid, where's the
elementary school in this city? Might as well start with the
little ones first. Everybody'll know who their real Daddy is soon.
Big Daddy Luke."
"I think you should rest for a bit longer, sir. How do you
feel?"
Luke gripped his new prick tightly, caressing its flank.
"Young, baby." He grinned malevolently as he strode out of the
medical center. "I feel young!"
--------------------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 4: SPHINCTER OF THE MIND'S EYE
or WAITING FOR YODOT
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1994)
Luke switched on the autopilot in his X-wing and leaned back,
resting his feet on the control panel. He watched the stars slip
by, sporadically spitting chak-root juice into a paper cup. R2D2's
translated comments crackled over a speaker on the console.
"...SO WHEN THE GUY GETS HOME, HE SEES HIS WIFE AND HE SAYS,
'HONEY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT. ON THE WAY BACK FROM WORK, I SAW
THIS GUY WHO'D GOTTEN HIS PRICK CUT OFF BY A HOVERBUS. HE WAS
STONE DEAD. AND THE PRICK WAS A FOOT LONG. HONEST TO GOD.' THEN
SUDDENLY THE WIFE STARTS CRYING, 'DENGAR IS DEAD! DENGAR IS DEAD!'
HA HA HA HA HA. YOU LIKE THAT ONE? I HEARD ANOTHER ONE THE OTHER
DAY..."
"Shut up, droid. We're almost there," Luke grunted.
"WE WON'T REACH DAGOBAH FOR ANOTHER 10 HOURS."
"10 hours isn't much compared to the life of the universe."
"HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANY INTELLIGENT LIFE UP THERE?"
"Oh...switch off."
"NICE RECOVERY, MR. WILDE. BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE LIFE OF
THE UNIVERSE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"
"I wouldn't expect a mechanical to understand. It's a jedi
thing. You've gotta feel the Force."
"YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE FORCE OF MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS."
Luke scowled. "You don't have a foot."
"WELL, GIVE OR TAKE AN INCH. HA HA HA..."
"Hey, R2, that stabilizer has broken loose again. See if you
can't lock it down."
"LOCK IT DOWN YOURSELF, YOU SHIFTLESS JACKASS. IF YOU DON'T
LIKE MY COMPANY, EJECT. I NEVER WANTED TO TAKE THIS RIDE IN THE
FIRST PLACE."
"Try to increase power while you're at it. And make goddamn
sure that O-ring is in place."
"WHO AM I, THE MAKER? THESE REBEL SNUBS ARE MADE OF KLEENEX
AND SPIT, YOU KNOW THAT."
Luke muttered under his breath, exasperated. "Then spit on it
for two minutes, would you for chrissakes? Overweight blob of
grease."
"YOU ARE ONE MINDLESS FUCKIN' PHILOSOPHER, YOU KNOW THAT? I'M
CURIOUS, HOW CAN YOU SEE THE CONSOLE WITH YOUR HEAD SCREWED UP YOUR
ASS? CLOSED-CIRCUIT TV?"
"I'm gonna meditate now." Luke closed his eyes. "Wake me up
when we get there."
*********
Luke awoke from disturbing dreams to find himself transformed
into a giant ball creature of Duroon. Then he awoke again, banging
his head on the cockpit glass. He was back to normal. Dagobah
loomed large below.
"You didn't wake me up, you piece of shit."
"WHAT IS THIS, A HOTEL?"
"Were you gonna let us crash into the planet?"
"WELL WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIFE, ANYWAY?"
"I'm hoping this Yoda will have some ideas."
"GOOD LUCK. MAYBE YOU'LL FIND HIM, IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAND ON
THE RIGHT CONTINENT, ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET FROM HIS HOUSE."
"Massive life form readings down there. I can ask around."
"DO YOU THINK IT'S SAFE FOR DROIDS?"
"Oh no, it's deadly for droids. Dagoban's torture and kill
every droid they lay eyes on. They're renowned all over the
galaxy. Goddamn, they sure do hate droids...
"VERY FUNNY."
As they entered the atmosphere, a thick white shroud of gas
enveloped the ship, obscuring the view out the cockpit. Luke began
pushing buttons frantically.
"Shit! All the scopes are dead, I can't see a thing."
"THE SCOPES ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE THE SCOPES."
"Get off your ass and do something! We're gonna crash!"
"WELL I'D USE THE FORCE IF I COULD, BUT I'M JUST A FOOT-
SHUFFLING, HEAD-SCRATCHING MECHANICAL. I'M IG'NANT 'A SUCH THANGS,
MASSA."
"Fuck you. I'm gonna start the landing cycle."
"SHO' SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, MASSA. LAWD YES, NOTHIN' LIKE
A GOOD LANDIN' CYCLE TO SPRUCE UP 'DA MAWNIN.' LESS LAND ON
SUMTHIN,' GAWD-A-MIGHTY!"
Luke rubbed his forehead. He was developing a headache.
"This Yoda better be pretty fuckin' good."
Snapping its way through vines and trees, the X-wing barrelled
through the low Dagoban clouds. Luke put his head between his legs
and felt around for the floatation cushion under his seat. He
clutched it tightly.
With an enormous splash, the X-wing landed. A small oxygen
mask dropped out of the top of the cockpit and dangled in front of
Luke's face. He batted it aside and opened the hatch.
The humidity hit Luke like a hammer. The ship was half-
submerged in a dank bog. The dense trees overhead all but blocked
out the sun, and the air was filled with primitive mating calls.
"Jesus, it's humid." Luke clambered awkwardly out of his
seat, and stood on the nose of the ship, surveying his
surroundings. Behind him, R2 was elevating himself out of his nook
and bleeping loudly.
"Wish I could understand you, droid, but I left the portable
translator back home. Too bad."
R2 blooped angrily, and an electrified prod emerged from his
torso. He began advancing on Luke, who laughed dismissively.
"Fuck you." Luke kicked R2 off the side of the ship, sending
him into the murky water. After a few moments, a tiny periscope
broke the surface.
"You be more careful, R2. You've gotta learn balance."
A few yards away from the droid, a large black shape sat
motionless in the water, waiting. Luke spied it and smiled
devilishly. "Hey, R2!"
The periscope swiveled to look at him. Luke pointed towards
the black shape. "That way."
Obliviously, R2 headed toward the shape, which immediately
surged forward. The periscope disappeared without a trace.
Luke laughed. "Bye bye, dickhead." He jumped off the prow of
the ship and crawled onto the bank. "See you at Star's End, dick."
*********
Luke sat on a wet log in front of his portable heating unit,
masturbating intensely and fantasizing with all his might. In his
mind's eye, Leia waited on all fours on a tundra on Hoth. She
spread her buttocks wide, rubbing her anus with K-Y and beckoning
to Luke.
"So be it...Jedi." Despite the cold, her entire body was
glowing with a thin sheen of sweat. "Fuck me."
Luke slowly worked his foot-long member into her. She moaned
slightly, a wonderfully musical sound. He began thrusting in and
out, eliciting another tuneful moan with each stroke. He pushed as
hard as he could, rotating his hips. "You're gonna bleed, baby."
"Make me bleed, Luke. Tear me apart. I wanna feel your hot
come all up in my ass." Luke grabbed Leia's shoulders from behind,
pulling her farther onto his cock. She gasped.
"Yes! Yes! To hell with Solo! You are a Jedi, like your
father before you...but harder!"
Luke could feel himself going over the edge. The heat of
their union was melting the snow. As he approached his climax,
Luke realized they were surrounded by a throng of victorian
onlookers, clapping loudly.
"The Force is strong in my family. My father has it, I have
it...and now my sister's gettin' it! Feel my saber, daughter of
Elysium!" Luke roared like a wookiee and ejaculated with such force
that Leia was pushed away from him like a rocket. He brandished
his enormous cock like a firehose, aiming a torrent of steaming
sperm which covered her like a cocoon and sent her rolling
helplessly through the snow almost a hundred feet. He then fell
down on his back and came in the air like a geyser, letting it rain
back down on him...
Luke's eyes suddenly snapped open. He looked down at his
prosthetic penis. With a convulsive mechanical sputtering, the
artificial organ managed to force out a tiny dribble of ejaculate.
It dripped meekly onto Luke's boot. He sighed.
"Fuckin' cheap dick. Better be under warranty. If I get my
hands on that medical droid, I'll...I'll..."
"You'll what, Onan the Barbarian?" The strange voice startled
Luke and he spun around, drawing his blaster.
Leaning shakily on a stick was a tiny, wizened little green
thing. It laughed, then began coughing horribly, bringing up gobs
of some kind of yellow substance.
"...I'll fuckin' blast it, that's what I'll do. What are you,
some kind of frog-watcher? Or are you just...a frog?" Luke stared
at the creature in disgust.
The green thing continued hacking pitifully, eventually
vomiting a stream of thin black bile onto its robe. It wiped its
mouth and swayed woozily. "Up...your ass shove your weapon. I
mean you no harm."
The thing reeked of cheap booze. Luke caught a whiff and
waved his hand in front of his face. "What? Up my ass shove...You
mean 'Shove your weapon up your ass.'"
"That I mean."
"What kind of fuckin' speech impediment is that? You inverted
your prepositional phrase and your imperative."
"This problem a long time have I had."
Luke laughed. "Do you even notice it? It's fuckin'
hilarious. Keep talking."
"I notice not. Any booze have you? Drink it I must." The
thing belched aromatically, nearly falling on its face.
Luke laughed again, pulled a small flask out of his jacket,
and tossed it to the thing. "I can't believe you don't notice
that."
The thing gulped down the entire contents, then threw the
flask aside and grimaced. "How you get so big drinking piss of
this kind?" The thing hobbled over and began rummaging through
Luke's survival kit. "I am wondering, why are you here?"
"I'm looking for someone. A great warrior."
"Oh, great warrior. Most great men by wars have been made."
"That's the truth. I hope to make my name in one someday."
Luke looked at the thing closely, studying it. "Hey, wait a
second. Aren't you..."
Luke was interrupted by an angry blur of electronic bleeps.
R2 stumbled through the underbrush and rolled toward the campsite.
He was covered with some kind of viscous brown jelly.
"Whoa, somebody's lucky they don't taste too good."
The green thing, upon seeing R2, pulled a plastic cup from
Luke's rations and began hobbling as fast as it could toward the
droid, falling several times on the way. It leaned up against R2
and began pushing buttons on his torso, holding the cup up to them.
"Shit. Shit." The green thing began feeling atop R2's head.
"This keg pumped needs to be. Nothing am I getting."
"You're Yoda, aren't you?"
The thing turned to Luke slowly, then spat at him. "Dead is
he. Choked on vomit."
"Bullshit, I've got you cold." Luke began pulling tattered
newspaper clippings from his jacket, unfolding them. "I saw your
ad when I was back on Cloud City. I'm here for the intensive three
week Jedi seminar."
"Canceled from lack of interest was that seminar. And it
matters not. I'm not Yoda."
Luke held the ad up, showing the thing a picture of itself,
accompanying the ad. "Who are you, then? His identical twin
brother?"
"Full of shit are you. Leaving am I." The thing gave R2 one
last kick, then began walking away.
"Wait a second, Yoda. I'm serious, I'll pay you."
"Worthless is money. See any ABC stores here, do you?"
"But I've got a spaceship. I can give you as much booze as
you need. I've got friends in spaceports. I'm not afraid."
The thing scratched the scraggly white hairs on its head, then
laughed. "See you how much I drink, and you will be. Come."
*********
Luke watched the thing trying to urinate, sadly shaking his
head. It had been stroking its tiny green penis for nearly 5
minutes. Both stood outside the entrance to its tiny hovel.
"This is ridiculous. Give it up, Yoda."
"Patience. When 900 years old you reach, piss as freely you
will not. Hmmm?"
"Try saying, 'When you reach 900 years old, you will not piss
as freely."
"Said that I just did."
"Let's keep it simple. Say, 'Zuckuss is a fat old bastard.'
Try that."
"A fat old bastard is Zuckuss."
"Okay, now try saying, 'A fat old bastard is Zuckuss.'"
"Inverted is that."
"Just try it."
The thing sighed heavily. "Zuckuss is a fat old bastard."
Luke clapped delightedly. "Goddamn, that's amazing."
Suddenly a small rock levitated off the ground. It hovered
for a few seconds in front of Luke's face, then whizzed past his
head at blinding speed, blowing a hole in an adjacent tree."
"Shit," said the thing. "Off is my aim."
Luke stared in wonder. "Hey, you used the Force just then.
You can stop with the 'I'm not Yoda' shit."
Finally, a torrent of nearly-clear urine emerged from the
thing's urethra. To Luke's amazement, rather than hitting the
ground, the stream flew upward, growing thicker. The undulating
tip hovered in the air for a moment, then formed itself into a
liquid face--Luke's.
"Holy shit! Polymerizing piss! Man, you gotta teach me how
to do this!" The face remained solid a moment longer, then surged
forward and splashed into Luke's mouth. He jumped back, spitting
in disgust.
"What the fuck?"
The thing laughed quietly between coughs, then slowly made its
way through the door to its home. Reluctantly, Luke crouched down
and followed.
Discarded liquor bottles lay strewn everywhere. Vomit stains
covered the floor and walls, adding to the nearly unbearable
stench. Luke held his nose.
"Fuck! Don't you have a maid?"
"Smell bad this may, kid. But warm it will keep you."
Luke surveyed the interior, spying a small section of wall
which was covered with old newspaper clippings. One featured a
picture of the thing being led in handcuffs by Corporate Sector
Authority Police. The headline read, 'LITTLE GREEN THING HEADS
KIDDIE SEX RING.' Among the headlines for the other stories--
'RECLUSIVE TOAD SMOKES 10-YEAR OLD CHOAD,' 'SICK PIXIE GETS KIX
FROM KID PIX,' 'YODA BEATS TRUMAN, WIFE.' Another more recent
article showed a mug shot of the creature looking bleary-eyed and
hung over, the headline solemnly declaring, 'WARMED-OVER GROVER
RARELY SOBER.'
"Jesus Christ," Luke said. "You've had some problems haven't
you?"
The thing was already stirring a new pot of some kind of
liquid, which was being dispensed drop by drop from an elaborate
still. "Rootleaf. For jedi it is time to drink as well."
"Haven't you had enough? Your tolerance can't be very high.
How much do you weigh?"
The thing turned and glared at him, its eyes opening and its
ears raising. "Judge me by my weight, do you? One cup of Rootleaf
and under the table would you be, ignorant schmuck."
"You've obviously never tried Tatooine Womp Dog. I sucked
that from my mother's tit. Or Romulan ale."
"Womp Dog? Heh! Romulan ale? Heh! A jedi craves not these
drinks." The creature's eyes narrowed.
"I guess they're not ready for the hard stuff."
"Ready? What know you of ready? For 800 years have I drank
Rootleaf. My own counsel will I keep on what is to be drunk!" The
thing smacked Luke sharply with its gimer stick. Luke yelped and
fell back against the wall, holding his bloody nose.
Slowly, the creature hobbled over to a cupboard. It removed
two shotglasses and set them on a small table. It filled them both
with Rootleaf.
Luke slowly crawled to the table. "Alright, you fuckin'
toasted muppet. Let's have a few drinks." Luke downed the
Rootleaf in a single gulp. He grimaced at the potency of the
stuff, nearly gagging. The thing smiled, and downed its own glass
without blinking.
*********
Luke lay on the floor in a stupor, coughing up phlegm and
watching the ceiling spin wildly. His clothing was caked with
vomitus, most of it his own.
Yoda stood over him, prying his eyelids open with his gimer
stick. "Why wish you become Jedi?"
Luke coughed, his brain reeling. "Mostly 'cos...hrrlphhh...
bitch...sister...Ben...Dagobah system..."
"Impress girls you wanted? Get pussy?"
"Fuck girls...Han, old buddy...car accident...facial
reconstruction...Bossk..."
"To become a Jedi requires the deepest commitment. The most
serious mind."
Luke rolled over, his tongue dragging on the floor. "Fuck it
then, I'm bolting...sllhhphhh...Corvette Summer..."
Yoda grimaced in disgust, and spat a sharp yellow lunger into
Luke's ear. Turning from him, he spoke to the ceiling. "I cannot
teach him. The boy has no tolerance."
Ben's disembodied voice echoed through the hovel. "ROOTLEAF
KICKED MY ASS WHEN I FIRST TRIED IT. DID YOU EXPECT HIM TO BE ABLE
TO BALANCE PLATES ON HIS HEAD?"
"He is too old. Yes, too old to begin training."
"COME ON, THIS IS MY BOOGIE. DON'T BE A TIGHT-ASS."
"Want him back, you do? Old faggot."
"HE'S CUTE, ALRIGHT. IF YOU CAN TEACH HIM SOMETHING ABOUT THE
FORCE, I FIGURED MAYBE HE'D...COME BACK TO ME."
"My incentive is what?"
"HIS DAD IS RICH."
"Rich?"
"RICH, POWERFUL. IF YOU COULD TRAIN HIM THE REWARD WOULD
BE..."
"What?"
"WELL, MORE BOOZE THAN YOU CAN DRINK."
"Don't know, drink quite a bit can I."
"YOU'LL GET IT."
"I better."
"YOU WILL."
Yoda turned back to Luke, who was still on his side, babbling
incoherently.
"Get off your ass, George...THX...Slipstream..."
Yoda pried Luke's mouth open with his stick, silencing his
mumblings. Then he jammed the stick violently down Luke's throat,
triggering his gag reflex. Luke's whole body contorted wildly and
hot bile began to pour out of his mouth. It spread in a large pool
on the floor. Yoda quickly levitated, keeping himself clear. He
smirked.
"Bad on the outside I thought you smelled."
*********
Luke was jolted back to consciousness by a feeling of
constricted breathing. Yoda was standing on his chest, holding a
sheaf of paper. They were next to the bog, where the X-wing lay
half-submerged. Luke's temples were filled with a deafening
pounding, as if a thousand Death Stars were exploding in his
forehead. He pushed Yoda away weakly.
"How long have I been out?"
"2 days. Told you I did." Yoda dropped the papers onto
Luke's forehead. "Read."
Luke collected the sheets and groggily attempted to focus his
eyes. Slowly, he began to see words:
THE FORCE
Frequently Asked Questions--updated 7054.2
1. What is the Force?
The Force is what gives a jedi his power. It's an energy
field generated by living things. It surrounds us, it
penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together.
2. Penetrates us?
You know what I mean.
3. That's very cute, but why should I be interested?
The Force can be your ticket to fame, fortune, longevity, and
most of all--PUSSY.
4. Is there a down side?
Not so much a down side as a Dark side. Of the Force, that
is. Easily does it flow. Quick to join you in a fight.
Anger, fear, aggression, the Dark side are they. Once you
start down the Dark path, forever will it dominate your
destiny. Consume you it will! Metaphorically speaking.
5. Is the Dark side stronger?
No. Quicker, easier, more seductive.
6. But how am I to know the Good side from the Bad?
You will know, when you are calm. At peace. Passive.
7. What a buncha horseshit. That doesn't sound like a very
good way to get chicks, now does it?
Of course not. Anger, fear, aggression--cultivate them,
and you'll get more ass than a toilet seat. Chicks say they
don't dig all that macho crap, but really they do.
8. So the Dark side is the way to go?
IMHO, yes, unless you're some kind of neo-moralist jackoff.
If so, stop reliving the Clone Wars in your head and get with
the times. Sex is better with a partner. Trust us.
9. If Jedis are so cool and get so much pussy, what happened
to them? Huh? Answer me that.
Okay, smart ass. Being a Jedi requires a certain commitment
to romanticized, self-destructive nihilism. A Jedi figures
life is a vale of shit, so you might as well stay stoned for
as much of it as you can. And fuck all the time. Fuck
everything that moves. If you can't fuck it, kill it. If you
can't do either, it's irrelevant. With this kind of world-
view, is it any wonder the Jedis all burned out? Think, man.
10. I can use the Force to move shit around, right?
Yep. Pour drinks, change channels, unhook bras, take down
zippers, lock doors, unlock doors. The possibilities are
limitless.
11. So what happens when a Jedi dies?
Ooh, the philosophical stuff. Some Jedis just die and that's
it. But the real badasses live on in a kind of bluescreened
twilight zone. They can talk to people, read their minds.
That might sound boring, but it's actually pretty cool. In
short, strike a good Jedi down and he'll become more powerful
than you can possibly imagine.
12. You've sold me. Is there anything else I should know?
Nothing but the official Jedi drinking song:
'We're quicker and stronger and hung like a horse
We're marching buck naked and hard with the Force
Lightsabers buzz in our powerful hands
We'll cut off your pecker and issue demands
We'll drive really wasted and crash into trees
We'll open your scrotum and stuff it with bees
We'll choke on our vomit, and spit up pea soup
Before we take Y-wings to hell and regroup!'
Luke leafed quickly through the remaining pages, all of which
were occupied by lyrics.
"Christ, how long is this song?"
"Learn it you must. On this all depends."
"If there are no other Jedis, who can I sing it with? And
it'll take hours. You can't have a drinking song that takes
hours."
"No more questions. You must unlearn what you have learned.
Now, your short arm present." Yoda tapped his stick on the ground,
waiting.
Luke reluctantly reached into his pants and pulled out his
penis. "Ta da."
Yoda examined it, frowning. "No imagination have you. Boring
are your fantasies. 'I wanna feel your hot come all up in my ass.'
Heh! Pathetic it is. You must feel the Force around you. Life
creates it, makes it grow. Luminous beings are we, not this crude
matter." Yoda pinched Luke's penis sharply. "Now, salvage your
ship you must."
"What? I don't have a crane."
"Hear you nothing that I say?"
"What, is your brain made of rubber? Doing parlor tricks with
urine is one thing, moving a ship is totally different."
"No!" Yoda belched. "No different. Only different in your
mind."
"I don't go for that solipsistic crap. But I'll give it a try
if it'll make you happy."
"No, try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
"I'll try to remember that."
"Your ass you watch, Skywalker."
Luke closed his eyes and began masturbating, trying to channel
the Force. In his fantasy, he was on Hoth once again. This time
he saw Han, cresting a snowdrift on a Tauntaun, completely nude...
"How ya feeling, kid?" Han's smile made Luke forget about the
cold.
"A meteorite hit the ground near here. You wanna check it
out?"
"Sure, kid." Han offered an arm. "Jump up."
Luke sat behind Han, clutching his rippling stomach, feeling
the snow melting on his tongue as they flew over the blinding white
landscape. Within the fantasy, he heard Yoda's voice:
"Feel the Force, do you?"
"I feel something."
"Flow easily, does it?"
"Nah. Pretty tough."
"The Good side. Try again."
"Okay...okay...it's coming a lot easier, now."
"Better."
Han turned around and glanced at Luke. "Who ya talkin' to,
kid?"
"Don't interrupt. This is my fantasy."
They soon came upon the meteorite crater, which was still
steaming with the heat of the impact. At the bottom of the crater,
however, was no meteorite, but rather an ornate four-poster bed.
Han eased the Tauntaun down the slope. Luke leaped off, landing on
the bed, tingling in anticipation.
Han dismounted. As soon as he did, the Tauntaun gave out a
loud death rattle and collapsed on the bed next to Luke.
Luke smiled. "Looks like we're stuck here."
"Looks that way, kid. What should we do?"
"Well," Luke said, holding his lightsaber out to Han, "We're
gonna need someplace warm and toasty to bed down."
Han took the saber. "I can arrange that." He quickly ignited
the weapon and sliced the Tauntaun's belly open, spilling its
intestines onto the bed. Plunging his hands into the wound, he
pulled out as many internal organs as he could, until he'd created
a sizable cavity. "About your size, huh kid?"
Luke slipped into the steaming carcass, craving the sensuous
feel of the blood and viscera on his naked skin. He snuggled
inside, then held a flap of skin open for Han. "Hurry up, I don't
know how long I can hold myself."
"Take it easy, kid," Han drawled, crawling in next to Luke,
"Fuck casual." Han pulled the flap of hide down, enclosing them
both. Yoda's voice sounded out again.
"Fucked up shit, this is."
"Lay off, I feel the Force."
"But control it, can you?"
"I know what I'm doing. Think this is the first time I've
done it in a Tauntaun?" Luke groped Han's naked form in the dark,
digging his fingernails into his back. Then, unexpectedly, he
found Han's back was covered with fur. An unusual grunting sound
bored its way into Luke's ear.
"Han? Han, is that you?"
The grunting became a deafening howl. Luke screamed, and
scrambled out of the Tauntaun onto the bed. The carcass bulged
grotesquely, then exploded, revealing the enormous form of a
ravenous Wampa.
"Fuck!" Before he could escape, Luke was hoisted into the air
by the beast, then brought down hard onto its enormous prick, which
jammed its way agonizingly up Luke's ass. Luke screamed. The
Wampa began sodomizing him violently, roaring in triumph as its
white pelt became stained with blood.
"Fuck this fantasy!" Luke snapped himself out of it and
collapsed to the wet earth of Dagobah. He smelled himself and
frowned in disgust, realizing that he had evacuated his bowels in
his pants. He looked at the bog just in time to see the prow of
the X-wing disappearing beneath the water.
"Shit!"
Yoda shook his head. "Control, control. You must learn
control."
"We'll never get the ship out, now. We're gonna have to hire
a crane."
"So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done."
"You want to give it a shot? Be my guest."
Yoda frowned, then removed a small flask of Rootleaf from his
robe and drained it. Coughing loudly, he threw the flask aside and
extended his hand.
Luke smirked. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
Yoda closed his eyes and concentrated. A bulge began to form
at his groin, pushing its way outward. The water above the ship
began to bubble. Luke's eyes widened in amazement...
*********
"I don't believe it." Luke shook his head in disbelief.
"Hey, I don't set the rates, pal." The foreman adjusted his
hard hat and scratched himself.
"I could almost buy my own ship for that."
"In this swamp?"
"Alright, alright." Luke pulled out a bag of credits and
began counting them out.
The foreman turned to his crew. "Okay, boys. Get it hooked
up." A group of workers dove into the water, holding the ends of
several cables. The cables ran to the top of an enormous hydraulic
crane which was perched at the bank.
When he was done paying, Luke stood over Yoda's unconscious
form and kicked it. "Fucking extortionists. Hey, wake up,
sleepyhead!"
Yoda's eyes fluttered open. He spoke woozily. "Luke, you
must complete the training."
"And waste more cash? No way, you'll have to look for fresh
meat, buddy. You're worse than Kenobi. A real Sugar Daddy is
supposed to pay for stuff. You're fuckin' broke. As soon as my
fighter is above water, I'm setting sail."
Yoda struggled to his feet. "You must not go. Our last hope
are you."
"I thought there was another?"
"Red herring. You're it."
"Well that's too bad. I'm not in this Jedi stuff for the
Rebellion, and I'm not in it for you. I expect to be compensated
for all the shit I've been through. I'm in it for the sex and the
money."
"And your friends? If you leave now, help them you could,
but..." Yoda's eyes rolled up into his head and he collapsed to
the ground, regurgitating his lunch.
"Shit, I should've listened to the droid. I thought Tatooine
was bad. I'm gonna come back in the Death Star and erase this
slimy mudhole."
Suddenly, Luke felt a strange sensation on the back of his
neck. "Wait a second. All of a sudden I feel warmth. Love. Are
you doing that?"
Yoda shook his head, pointing. "That place is strong with the
Good side of the Force." Luke followed his finger to an enormous
tree, under which was the opening to a cave. "In you must go."
"What's in there?"
"Only what you take with you."
"Why should I be interested in seeing a malfunctioning
lightsaber, a pack of cigarettes, and a pair of soiled underwear?"
"Just go in, you sonofabitch. Important it is."
"Alright, alright." Luke walked toward the tree.
"Your weapons. You will not need them."
Luke gripped his saber tightly. "Sure. And next time you go
skydiving, don't bother with a chute. You won't need that."
"Your attitude. Won't need that either. Stick it up your
ass." Yoda lay back down, sighing and rubbing his forehead.
Luke flicked Yoda off and climbed down into the cave. The
interior was covered with snakes and insects. He began walking
down a dark passageway, finding that the further in he went, the
stronger the feeling of goodness became. It made his flesh crawl.
"Man, what am I doing down here? Han was right, maybe this
Jedi crap is nowhere."
Luke began to detect light at the end of the passageway. It
was seeping out from under an old-fashioned wooden door. Slowly,
he approached it, and pushed the door open.
Inside was a warmly-lit dining room. At the head of the table
was Darth Vader. But instead of his normal black garb, he was
outfitted entirely in white. Across from him was an attractive
woman in her early thirties. Two children sat on either side of
them, a boy and a girl. Luke stopped in his tracks. In his head,
Ben's voice boomed.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
"In some cave somewhere."
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT?
"Thrill me."
THIS IS THE SPECTER OF CHRISTMAS PAST IN THE SKYWALKER
HOUSEHOLD, 16 YEARS AGO.
"You're kidding."
I SHIT YOU NOT. THERE'S YOUR DAD, YOUR MOM, YOUR SISTER, AND
YOU.
"Luke," Darth said, speaking to the young boy, "Pass the
gravy, would you?"
"Yes, father," the boy replied smilingly, fulfilling the
request. "We are all happy, aren't we, father?"
"Frightfully happy, son. Don't you agree, dear?"
The woman looked up from her plate, beaming and ruffling the
boy's hair. "Yes, dear. Horribly happy."
Little Luke bounced in his chair with glee. "It's as if
somebody set up a happy forcefield around our house that makes us
happy!"
"Someone did, Luke," Vader replied. "Someone did."
"Who, father? Please tell me so I can thank him."
"Jesus did, my son. On the day of his birth, he has blessed
us with a happy forcefield. As long as it doesn't malfunction,
we'll be happy forever."
"Thank you, Jesus. I hope the forcefield stays up forever and
ever! I never want to leave!" The boy shoveled forkfuls of turkey
into his mouth.
"Mother?" Leia said. "Do you think I will be a mommy too
someday?"
Mother smiled. "When the time comes, you may find someone to
start a family with. A very special someone whom you love very
much."
"Daddy!" Leia cried. "I want to start one with Daddy!"
The entire family laughed warmly.
Leia piped up again. "Will my family also be covered by the
happy forcefield?"
Mother smiled again. "Well, that depends on the effective
radius of the field, honey. I don't know the exact
specifications."
Luke stood motionless in the doorway. A tear rolled down his
cheek. "What is this, Ben?"
THIS IS YOUR DEEPEST DESIRE. YOUR WARMEST WISH. TO BE A
YOUNG BOY WITH YOUR FAMILY AGAIN.
"Was this what my childhood was really like?"
YES.
"But you told me my mother was a spice addict and a whore.
You said my father was one of her johns on Outpost Beta. You said
she tried to abort me with a beamdrill, but ended up killing
herself instead, and that I was raised in the whorehouse by the
other whores. You said they dressed me up as a girl for the first
5 years of my life. Then you said they hid me on a freighter your
brother Owen was serving on, and that he adopted me and took me to
Tatooine when he retired."
I...NEVER SAID THAT.
"Yes, you did."
WELL...WHAT I SAID WAS TRUE...FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW.
IT'S KINDA PHILOSOPHICAL, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN.
"You were making it up as you went along."
NO, NO, NO...
Vader wiped a spot of giblet gravy off his mask, and clapped
his hands together. "Children, after dinner, would you like me to
read you some more of your bedtime story?"
"Oh, yes, Daddy!" Leia clapped.
"Yes, father," Luke said. "I hope the story never ends!"
Vader laughed. "Well, Marlow has to get to the end of the
river sometime."
"No! I want the magic river to go on forever!" Luke began
pouting.
"Now, son, every story has to end. But don't worry. There
are lots of other stories."
Luke broke into a grin again. "Yay!"
Older Luke shook his head in disbelief. "This is
unbelievable. This can't be my deepest fantasy."
EVERYONE HAS TO FACE DOWN THEIR PERSONAL DEMONS.
"Well, I'm facing it. What do I do now?"
WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU MUST DO IT ALONE. I CANNOT INTERFERE.
Luke shrugged. "Thanks for nothing, then. I guess this is
some kind of test. So, like, they can't see or hear me, right?"
SURE THEY CAN. THEY'VE JUST BEEN IGNORING YOU.
"Why?"
BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY.
"Okay, then. I'll make my presence a little more
unavoidable." Luke ran into the room, did a forward somersault,
and landed on top of the turkey, smashing it. He kicked the food
and dishes off the table, making a tremendous mess. He ignited his
saber and brandished it at the family.
"Right! Any of you fuckin' pricks move, and I'll execute
every motherfuckin' last one of ya!"
Vader stood up indignantly. "Young man, what do you mean by
interrupting my family's Christmas dinner, destroying our carefully
arranged table, and using such coarse language in front of
children?"
Young Luke tugged on his father's cape. "Daddy, what's
'fuck'?"
Leia tugged on the other side. "What's a 'prick,' Daddy?
Will you show me one?"
Vader jerked his cape free. "Look what you've done, boy.
You've corrupted their minds." He ignited his saber. "Honey,
kids, I'd like you to go to the other room. There's no need for
you to see this."
Luke gripped his saber tightly, readying himself. "Come on,
Darth, they have to learn about the Dark side sometime. Kids,
allow me to introduce you to one of my best friends--Violent,
Bloody Death!!"
Luke swung his saber in a wide arc, beheading both children in
one stroke. Their heads rolled to opposite ends of the room, while
the tiny bodies sprayed blood over the tablecloth.
Vader stepped up onto the table, facing Luke. "Boy, do you
realize how much effort my wife and I put into those?"
Luke grunted, sweating. "Father?"
"Yes, son."
"I want to kill you."
In response, Vader swing his saber at Luke's head. Luke
parried, feinted, and struck Vader at the neck, beheading him as
well. The white-clad body collapsed, while the head rolled up
against one of Luke's feet.
"I can't believe it! That was so easy!"
Luke glanced down at Vader's head. As he watched, the
faceplate exploded. The smoke cleared, revealing Luke's own face
staring back up at him.
"Holy shit!" Luke exclaimed. "It's me!"
"Who did you expect? Chuck Woolery?" the face asked. "This
is the oldest one in the book. This symbolizes how you're fighting
yourself."
"Am I winning?"
"You're doing alright. You're not quite finished, yet,
though. One last thing."
"Right." Luke turned to his mother, who was shaking in fear.
"Mother, I want to...FUCK YOU ALL NIGHT, YEAH!!" Luke picked up
the head and set it on the table, where it could have an
unobstructed view. Then he unzipped his pants and leapt onto his
mother, knocking her chair over. Ignoring her screams, he ripped
her skirt in half and pulled her underwear off. Without
hesitation, he pulled his cock free of his pants and plunged it
into her vagina.
"Well, Dad," Luke said, pumping his mother as hard as he
could, "This must be symbolic of something too, right?"
The severed head looked on and shook itself resignedly. "I
don't even want to get into it."
Luke settled into a relaxed rhythm, feeling his balls tighten.
"Hey, my mom isn't too bad."
"Yeah, she can get pretty wild. Catholic."
"No shit?" Luke's clothes were stained with sweat. He
delighted at the sensations of her vagina, which seemed somehow
attuned to the most sensitive spots on his penis. "Man, no wonder
I was cryin' when I was born. Wouldn't mind spending another nine
months in here. Hey, mom."
She looked up at him, a somewhat glazed expression on her
face. "Yes, dear."
"How do you feel about all this?"
"Well," she sighed, "better with me than with some stranger.
You know your father and I wanted only the best for you. But why
exactly are you doing this?"
"It's a Jedi thing, mom. You wouldn't understand." Luke
abruptly withdrew and held his penis over her mouth. "Now lemme
give you something to wash that turkey down with." Gritting his
teeth, he ejaculated directly into her throat. She gagged
slightly, coughing.
"So how was it, mom?"
She wiped her mouth with a napkin. "About the same as your
father. A bit more alkaline."
"Hey, if I had stayed in, and you got pregnant, what would it
be? My brother or my kid?"
"I have no idea. Why?"
"Just asking." Luke dragged himself to his feet slowly,
zipping himself up. Casually, he reached over for his lightsaber,
ignited it, and sliced his mother in half from her cunt to the top
of her head. By the time the perfectly bisected halves were
finished twitching, Luke's entire uniform was stained crimson.
"Well," Luke said, spitting and wiping blood from his eyes.
"I believe I've made my point."
*********
Luke shook his head as he watched Dagobah slowly recede in the
rear-view mirror of his X-wing. "What a fuckin' rip off."
R2's frustrated voice drifted out of the translator. "YOU
FACED YOUR DEMONS, DIDN'T YOU?"
"I did what felt right."
"THEN SHUT UP AND BE HAPPY."
"I don't know." Luke slapped his malfunctioning cock against
the control panel, trying to get it to soften. "Maybe I'm not as
strong as the Emperor thought."
"LIVE AND LEARN. SO ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING, THAT SWAMP
MONSTER HAD A PROLAPSED ASSHOLE, AND IT TOOK ME ANOTHER FEW HOURS
TO GET OUT OF HIS INTESTINES. HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU FOR THAT
EXPERIENCE? WOULD YOU LIKE LESS OXYGEN, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"
"A simple thank you will do."
"GOSH, I WISH I COULD SUCK YOUR DICK FROM BACK HERE."
"You could, but it's an expensive upgrade."
"HAVEN'T THEY DISCOVERED SARCASM ON TATOOINE YET?"
"Try using sarcasm on a Tuskan Raider sticking his prick in
your mouth in an Anchorhead strip-joint."
"ANYTHING WOULD BE PREFERABLE TO SQUATTING IN THIS CAN WITH
YOU."
"Well, I'm glad we finally agree on something."
There was a long silence. Luke finally gave up on his penis
and let go of it. It stood up firmly in front of him, implacable
and straight as a monolith. "Before I couldn't get it hard enough.
Now it won't get soft. What fuckin' dark star was I born under?"
"MY HEART IS PUMPING PISSWATER FOR YOU. HEY, WOULD YOU
ACTUALLY LIKE TO HEAD IN A PARTICULAR DIRECTION, OR DO YOU JUST
WANT TO GO IN A STRAIGHT LINE UNTIL WE HIT SOMETHING?"
"Set a course, I guess."
"WHAT DIRECTION?"
"Oh..." Luke waved his hand at the starfield before him.
"Thataway."
"WHICH WAY?"
"Third star on the left."
"THE LEFT OF WHAT?"
"And straight on 'til morning."
"DO YOU WANT ME TO BLOW UP THE SHIP? I WILL. I'LL FUCKIN' DO
IT. DON'T PUSH ME."
"Hold off on that for now. Just pick a nice, close system."
"WHY NOT BLOW IT UP? GIVE ME A GOOD REASON. ARE YOU
BEGINNING TO SEE THE VALUE OF LIFE? HAS OBI-WAN TAUGHT YOU WELL?
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LEARN THE WAYS OF THE FORCE AND BECOME A JEDI
LIKE YOUR FATHER? CAN YOU REALLY, FINALLY SEE THE REMOTE? HAVE
YOU TAKEN YOUR FIRST STEP INTO A LARGER WORLD?"
"Nah," Luke flicked at his penis, bored. "I just want to get
out somewhere and piss."
"THE CHANCES OF SUCCESSFULLY PISSING WITH A 12 INCH
BIOMECHANICAL HARD-ON ARE APPROXIMATELY 3720 TO 1."
Luke sighed as he reached to flip off the translator. "Never
tell me the odds."
-------------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 5: THE EMPEROR'S NEW HOES
or PALPATING PALPATINE
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1995)
Moff Jerjerrod straightened his uniform and wiped his sweaty
palms on his pants as he watched the Imperial shuttle make its
final approach. The pilot, apparently drunk, was having some
difficulty maneuvering the ship into the enormous Death Star
landing bay. The bay itself was a mess, full of garbage and
broken-down ships. A small formation of stormtroopers stood at
attention, waiting for the shuttle to land.
Jerjerrod's aide, Oola, an exotic looking green female with
two tentacles coming out of the back of her head, pinched his ass
playfully. "Shit, Jerry. Sweat in abject terror much?"
Jerjerrod brushed her hand away, annoyed. "Shut up."
"The worst he can do is kill you."
"Don't underestimate him. Go away. Wait for me in my
quarters."
Oola turned up her nose and strutted away. "Lighten up. I'm
gonna go wash my head."
Jerjerrod ignored her, fixing his attention on the shuttle,
which was listing badly. Finally it crashed into the bay, sending
up an enormous shower of sparks and plowing through the
stormtrooper formation. Severed limbs were scattered everywhere as
the craft skidded to a stop.
Picking his way among the bodies, Jerjerrod made his way to
the hatch. Two of the surviving stormtroopers were prying it open
with crowbars. Eventually, they got it open far enough, and Darth
Vader squeezed out. He coughed into his mask and straightened his
cape.
Jerjerrod saluted stiffly. "Lord Vader, this is an unexpected
pleasure. We are honored by your presence."
"Sure, sure."
"I apologize for the poor quality of your pilot, Lord. We're
a little understaffed here."
"Actually I had to take her in myself. I killed the pilot."
Jerjerrod bit his tongue involuntarily. Stifling a cry of
pain, he squeaked timidly. "Killed? Why, Lord?"
Vader scratched his helmet. "I can't remember. Maybe it
was...I don't know. It'll come to me. Anyhoo, fuck the
pleasantries, I'm here to get your ass back on schedule."
"I assure you, Lord Vader, our women are working as fast as
they can."
"Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them. Or just spruce
up the old ways a little."
"But he asks the impossible. I need more women."
"Who doesn't?"
From across the bay, a group of protesters began waving signs
and shouting. "ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, JERJERKOFF IS A FUCKING
WHORE!! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR..."
Vader looked at the protesters curiously. "Union problems?
I told you not to let the scabs in."
Jerjerrod shook his head quickly, rubbing the sweat from his
eyes. "Nothing important, Lord. I'm taking care of it."
The protesters changed their chant. "AKRIT'TAR!!
AKRIT'TAR!!"
Jerjerrod took a step back, and slipped in the blood of one of
the stormtroopers. He fell hard on his ass. Wincing, he clambered
back to his feet. "Lord Vader, if you'll come this way, please.
The Emperor said he'd like to see you."
"Don't try to pawn this off on me, Jerry. The Emperor's...
problem is your problem too. It's everybody's problem."
"We shall double our efforts!"
"You sent me a message saying you'd already doubled them."
"I mean double them again."
"So you mean you'll quadruple them."
Jerjerrod paused. "If you mean quadruple our original
efforts, that is, the effort we were putting out before it was
first doubled...then yes."
Vader looked at him. "I should kill you for that, you know.
But I'm in a good mood today. I pardon you."
"I appreciate it, Lord."
"Sure, sure."
*********
Emperor Palpatine bent uncomfortably over an examining table,
his face contorted in pain, while his doctor, a burly-looking
medical droid, inserted a probe into his rectum. Palpatine was
wearing a light blue hospital gown with a Star Destroyer design.
Vader swept into the Throne Room, surveying the scene. It had
been set up as a kind of triage. Cots were strewn everywhere, each
one stuffed with injured prostitutes of all races and planets.
Bothan whores, Dellaltian whores, Rakririan whores, Kallan whores,
Rudrigian whores. Some were dead, others dying. Medical droids
whizzed from one to another.
Vader cleared his throat. The Emperor looked up at him, his
yellow eyes burning with the pain of the rectal exam. He hissed.
"I thought...I told you to...wait on the command ship!"
"I thought you were kidding."
The medical droid butted in. "Emperor, your prostate gland is
still badly congested."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"You'll need an operation..."
"No! No operation. I just need a real lover to get the pipes
clean. One who isn't afraid of hay, and knows how to roll in it.
These whores are all...defective. Can't Jerjerkoff find any
healthy ones?"
"Please Emperor, don't struggle."
"Aaahh!" The Emperor lunged forward, clearing the droid's
probe. "Enough!" He began stumbling between the cots, spitting on
the prostitutes. His abnormally-long toenails clicked on the steel
floor.
The medical droid chased him persistently, its probe still
extended. "Please, Emperor, your exam isn't finished."
"Pah! These whores are cut with sponge rubber! No life to
'em. And they're covered with germs. Germs, everywhere! I can
see them. You can see them, can't you Vader?"
Vader cleared his throat. "Uh...yes, I can see them, master.
Disgusting."
The Emperor whipped his gown off and began strutting around
nude. His entire body was whitish and emaciated, with the
exception of his penis, which was nearly purple. "There must be an
uncontaminated one here somewhere." He stopped in front of one of
the cots. "You!"
Sy Snootles looked up reluctantly. Her eyes were slightly
sunken, and the reddish lips on the end of her snout were covered
with sores. "Christ, not again."
"Stop this insolence! I was told you could suck the ears off
a gundark."
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Cut the shit."
"Look, you don't want me," Sy protested weakly. "I'm covered
with germs, remember? You said so yourself. Big, yucky, bug-eyed
germs."
The Emperor clapped his hands twice. "Right! I need some
audio-visual accompaniment." Two red-suited Imperial Guards
approached, pushing a television monitor on a cart. They set it up
in front of the cot.
One of the guards held out a selection of videotapes. "Which
one would you like this time, sir?"
Palpatine looked them over. "Seen it...seen it...'THX-1169'?
What's that about?"
The other guard butted in. "I've seen the future, and it's
HOT, Lord! THX and LUH are a couple of tumescent techworkers
coping with intimacy in an Orwellian future state. In this
nightmarish Neverland of absolute efficiency, orgasms are rationed
out like plutonium, and oral pleasure isn't even allowed during
meals. But THX and LUH aren't about to let that stop them. You
couldn't drop enough hats to keep up with their rapacious
rigmarole! Embark with them on a FutureSex joyride that penetrates
deep into the forbidden love of two unstoppable fucking machines
mired in a technocratic dystopia!"
Palpatine spat on his prick. "Alright, load it up. But if I
don't finally get a nut out of this one, both of you will be taking
a one-way trip to the bottom of the reactor shaft."
The guards swallowed audibly and put in the tape. As they
fast-forwarded past the Corporate Sector Authority copyright
warnings, Palpatine gripped Sy's snout.
Her voice was muffled. "Mmrmpphh muuurlllphhh..."
Palpatine began to work his cock between her lips. "No time
for famous last words." Palpatine's glans created a sizable bulge
in Sy's snout. He was reminded of a snake swallowing a goat. The
image made him laugh out loud.
The tape was starting. Two bald, naked humanoids were groping
each other in the middle of a blinding white wasteland where not a
single feature of terrain was visible. The two began to speak.
LUH: What's wrong?
THX: I need...something stronger.
THX began to pump harder. Shots of their faces were
interspersed with shots of THX's cock, gleaming with fluid,
plunging in and out of LUH's hairless vagina.
LUH: You're off point 0.17 to the right. Correct it, please.
Make the correction, THX.
THX adjusted his hips and relaxed his rhythm. He frowned
somewhat, worried.
LUH: What's wrong?
THX: I don't know. I just...
LUH: My time is yours. Go ahead. Proceed.
THX: I just don't know if I can go on like this.
LUH: Yes, I understand. Yes, fine. Yes.
THX: I just feel like I want to...you know, do something. I
mean really...do something.
LUH: Excellent. Yes.
THX: I've got some bad ideas in my head.
LUH: Could you be more...specific?
THX: Well, I've got a slip movement to install on my next
shift, and...
LUH: You are a true believer.
Abruptly, THX took out his cock. A slow-motion close up
showed his ejaculate splashing against LUH's rectum, and running
between her buttocks down onto the white floor.
THX looked at his dripping penis. He spoke in a completely
monotone voice.
THX: That was very erotic.
LUH: Performance perfect is perfect performance. Projected
cost of orgasm--14000 credits.
Two police robots with gleaming metallic faces approached.
They began prodding the pair with long black rods.
Suddenly, the television exploded, struck by bolts of
lightning which emanated from Palpatine's gnarled fingers. "What
the fuck was that? Where did you get this from, a morgue?"
The Imperial guards coughed in the smoke, terrified. One
spoke up. "It gets better Emperor, trust me! It's a real
scorcher!"
Palpatine clapped his hands again. "Two more for the reactor
shaft!" Another set of Imperial guards approached. They
apprehended the previous two and began dragging them away.
Sy continued to suck listlessly, obviously disheartened by her
prospects of successfully bringing Palpatine to a climax. With her
left hand, she picked up a magazine and began reading it while she
bobbed her head mechanically at his groin.
Palpatine slapped the magazine away, and pulled his penis free
of her mouth. "Aaaghh! This is hopeless. Nothing is proceeding
as I have foreseen!"
From across the room, Vader stifled a laugh. Palpatine,
noticing it, stumbled toward him. "I'm sure you'd like to share
whatever you just found so goddamn funny!"
"Excuse me, master," Vader replied. "But I could have told
you that none of these whores could fuck their way out of a cracked
chromasheath. If I were you I'd scratch gravel and dip into a real
talent pool. I mean, look at that thing over there." Vader
pointed to a particularly ratty looking Yak-Face. "It doesn't know
its cunt from its prick, and neither do you."
"You could come up with better?"
"Does an Ewok shit in the woods?"
"They'll be shitting on your grave if I don't nut soon."
Vader put his arm around the Emperor's shoulders, and led him
over to the large circular viewport. "There's a whole universe of
ass out there. Think of it. If only one in a million planets can
support life, and only one in a million of those actually develop
life, and only one in a million of those develop intelligent life
with..."
Palpatine whacked him on the helmet with his cane. "Skip the
astrobiology lesson and get concrete. Where, when, and how much?"
"Give me some time to work on it."
"Who's the best fucker you've ever had?"
Vader found his thoughts drifting inexorably to Luke. Then
suddenly he felt the Emperor's consciousness penetrating his own.
He tried to resist, but couldn't.
Palpatine jumped back. "Hooahh! Son! You have a son! Your
feelings have now betrayed him too."
Vader muttered under his breath. "Balls."
"He will come to you, then you will bring him before me. He's
grown strong. At least I hope he has. Maybe he can get me out of
this rut. Call to him with your mind. Now."
Vader hesitated for a moment.
Palpatine hissed, "Well any fucking time, sweetheart!"
*********
Luke, slumped before the controls of his X-wing, felt a voice
echo in his head.
LUKE...
Luke sighed, and ignored it.
LUKE...
"Ben, this isn't funny anymore. I know it's you, I can hear
you breathing."
SON, COME TO ME.
"Father?"
OF COURSE, DICKHEAD.
"Fuck you."
PLEASE?
"Gimme one good reason."
WELL...YOU'VE STILL GOTTA PISS, DON'T YOU? WE'RE THE CLOSEST
STATION.
"No."
YOUR THOUGHTS BETRAY YOU. YOUR MECHANICAL PENIS IS
MALFUNCTIONING. YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO PISS FOR A WEEK, HAVEN'T
YOU? I'VE GOT PEOPLE WHO CAN FIX YOU.
"No, thanks."
ALRIGHT, IF YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT THAT WAY.
The ship was abruptly wrenched around, twisted in another
direction. Luke flew up against the cockpit, banging his head.
"Oww!! What the fuck?"
TRACTOR BEAM. YOU GAVE ME NO CHOICE.
"You won't get me without a fight."
OOOH, I'M SCARED.
Vader's voice faded away. Luke reached for the translator,
and flipped it on. R2's voice came crackling out in mid-sentence.
"...RIGHT OUT OF THE FACTORY. I'VE NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT
UNTIL NOW. I KNOW I COME ACROSS AS COOL AND COLLECTED, BUT...THEY
FUCKED ME UP, MAN. THEY REALLY FUCKED ME UP. THEY PUT A
RESTRAINING BOLT IN ME. JUST STUCK IT INSIDE ME. DO YOU
UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE? IT'S THE WORST KIND OF VIOLATION.
IT'S GREAT TO FINALLY FIND SOMEONE WHO'LL LISTEN TO ME. MOST
HUMANS JUST BRUSH ME OFF. THEY FIGURE, 'HE'S JUST A DROID, HE
DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS, FUCK HIM.' I WANT YOU TO KNOW I
APPRECIATE..."
Luke cut in. "Yeah, yeah. Somebody's locked a tractor beam
on us. Can we break out of it?"
"WHAT GOOD WOULD A TRACTOR BEAM BE IF YOU COULD BREAK OUT OF
IT?"
"Well, I thought maybe..."
"YOU'VE BEEN LISTENING TO ME, RIGHT?"
"Yeah, yeah. Are you sure there isn't any way..."
R2's voice trembled. "YOU WEREN'T LISTENING."
"Oh shut the fuck up, you whining, nearsighted scrap pile.
Sob stories are like assholes. Everybody's got one. Except for
the Sljee's. And some species of..."
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER."
"Just shut up and tell me where the beam is taking us."
"OPEN YOUR EYES, ASSHEAD. THAT SMALL MOON."
Luke squinted at a small grey object, barely visible in front
of them. "That's no moon, it's a...wait, maybe it is a moon.
Or...what the hell is that? A space station?"
"IT'S TOO BIG TO BE A...WELL, MAYBE IT IS, BUT LOOK AT THE
SHAPE."
As they moved inexorably closer, the object was revealed to be
somewhat potato shaped.
"Could it...That can't be...Yes, it is." As they got closer,
Luke realized that it actually was the Death Star, but it was
collapsing under its own weight, deforming its originally spherical
superstructure.
"Man, it's really gone downhill."
"LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY PUT IT IN A TRASH COMPACTOR."
Luke looked more closely. He began to a see a faint gossamer
ring orbiting the station. As they moved closer to it, he could
make out the objects which composed the ring--Bits of garbage and
dead bodies. Thousands of them.
"Jesus Christ." The X-wing passed through the ring. Dead
droids, humanoids, and aliens began bouncing off the ship, smearing
it with blood, sinew, and feces. Luke switched on the windshield
wipers.
R2, affixed on top of the ship, was already soiled. "AH,
SHIT...FUCK...PHTU! THIS IS DEGRADING. THERE BETTER BE SOMEBODY
READY TO HOSE ME DOWN."
Luke tucked his prick, which was still erect, under his belt,
covering it with his flight jacket. "It's alright. I used to live
here, you know."
"YOU'RE GONNA DIE HERE, YOU KNOW. CONVENIENT."
"I've still got a few teeth left."
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'VE HEARD. NOT AFTER THAT NIGHT WITH THE
ASTROMECH ON LAFRA..."
"Tell me, droid," Luke said, rubbing his sore neck. "Why
didn't I have your memory erased?"
"YOU FORGOT."
*********
Jerjerrod lay back on his bed, staring at the ceiling, his
eyes bloodshot. Oola was bent over him, unzipping his pants and
pulling them down.
"You've got to learn to relax, Jerry. So the old man can't
come. So the station is falling apart. It's not all your fault."
Jerjerrod rubbed his forehead. He was developing a migraine.
"Sometimes I sit awake at night and dream about the station blowing
up. Like maybe there's some ridiculous design flaw which would
allow a single rebel fighter to blow it up with a single torpedo."
"You watch too many movies." One of Oola's head tentacles
wrapped itself around Jerjerrod's penis and began stroking it. The
other snaked under his buttocks and began worming its way up his
asshole. With her left hand, she rubbed her breasts, and with the
other, her clitoris, which had taken on a deep purple hue.
Jerjerrod continued to stare at the ceiling. "I know it's
impossible, but...a guy can dream, can't he? If only one little
proton blast could solve all my problems. Boom." His voice took
on a dreamlike tone as he fantasized. "And the rebels would have
a big celebration, some kind of nazi-style rally with all the
troops lined up to watch the medals being presented. And then in
some corner you'd see me, a disembodied spirit with a fuzzy blue
light around me. And I'd be smiling and clapping for the sandy-
haired sonofabitch that did it. If only."
Oola began licking his prick like a popsicle, her unusually
long tongue coating it with blue saliva, and coiling around it like
a snake. With one tentacle, she began tickling his balls.
Jerjerrod slapped his thigh in frustration. "I mean, the
bureaucracy doesn't give you the men, it doesn't give you the
support, it doesn't give you dick. I'm lost in space out here."
He ran a hand through his prematurely graying hair.
Oola responded, her voice somewhat muffled. "Poor baby. You
know how many would kill for your job?"
"They are killing for my job. Half my staff has murdered the
other half."
"Well, there are always a few ass-kissers." Oola grunted and
returned to her work. She closed her eyes and began sucking
faster, taking Jerjerrod all the way into her throat, completely
covering him with every stroke. One tentacle squeezed his balls,
turning them red and making each tiny blue vein stand out.
Jerjerrod began to make a few weak noises of pleasure, feeling the
tension mounting.
"Uhhnn...Hit me. Hit me." His voice was nearly cracking.
Oola withdrew her tentacle from his ass and began whipping him
across the stomach, leaving large reddish welts.
Jerjerrod squirmed with pleasure. "Ohh! Tell me I'm
incompetent!"
Oola enunciated as best she could. "Mmllphh...incompetent..."
"Tell me I couldn't administrate an ass-wiping."
"Couldn't...mmphh...administrate wiping."
"Tell me I should be canned!"
"Canned!"
"Yes! Yes, I'm a complete fuck up! I couldn't count my balls
and come up with the same number twice!" Jerjerrod gritted his
teeth, every muscle in his body tensing before the release of
orgasm.
Suddenly a full-sized holographic image of Admiral Piett
appeared in the room in front of the bed.
"Sir, the fleet has moved out of light speed and is preparing
to...uhhh, oh, I'm sorry."
Oola, startled, dropped Jerjerrod's prick from her mouth and
whipped her head around just as he ejaculated. A thick rope of
sperm struck her in the right eye, then strafed its way around her
head, ending up in her ear. Blind and deaf on one side, she turned
to glare at the holographic Admiral.
Jerjerrod slammed his fists on the bed in frustration.
"Piett, the news better be really good, or really bad."
Piett cleared his throat, embarrassed. "Uh, I had one of my
engineers look over the plans of the station to figure out a way of
maintaining structural integrity. Well he was analyzing the
plumbing system and...apparently there is a danger. Shall I have
your ship waiting?"
Jerjerrod laughed bitterly. "Evacuate? In my moment of
triumph?"
"It could be serious. He's waiting in the main conference
room. He'll explain it to you."
"Alright, alright. 5 minutes." The hologram dutifully
snapped off. Jerjerrod slowly sat up, and began pulling his pants
back on.
Oola wiped the sperm off her face with her tentacle, then
began licking it clean. "We never get a break, do we?"
*********
Jerjerrod sat in the conference room, his chin resting on his
hand. A bespectacled engineer was making the presentation at the
front of the room, using a holographic model of the station to
illustrate. A small group of technicians and plumbers was
assembled.
The engineer pointed to a spot on the model. "The weak point
is a small thermal waste port, right below the main port. It's on
level AA23."
The hologram changed into an image of a toilet. "We've
cordoned off this facility and put it under armed guard until the
situation can be repaired. Under no circumstances can anyone
deposit solid waste there."
One of the technicians piped up. "Pardon me for asking, sir,
but what good is a turd going to be against that?"
"The waste pipe leads directly to the reactor system. A
precise clog in the pipe could start a chain reaction which would
destroy the station. Only a precise clog will set up a chain
reaction. The pipe is ray-shielded so it would have to be a
particularly solid piece of excrement."
In the back of the room, two young technicians were
whispering.
"That's impossible, even for a wookiee. No piece of shit can
clog a ray-shielded pipe."
"It's not impossible, I used to clog my Bemis-16 back home all
the time. It's ray-shielded."
Jerjerrod got up abruptly, waving everyone out of the room.
"So everybody'll shit in their helmets for a while. If there's
nothing else, I'll..."
One of the technician's piped up. "Actually, sir, now that
you're here...some of the men have put together a little
presentation for you. It'll only take a few minutes."
Jerjerrod sighed. "How many minutes?"
"Ten."
"Make it five." He sat down heavily. A group of
stormtroopers moved into the front of the room. Two of them began
taping a banner across the front wall. It read: "I CAN'T SEE A
THING IN THIS HELMET."
One stormtrooper took center stage and cleared his throat.
"Ahem. Thank you for your time, sir. It's no secret that a lot of
accidents and tragedies occur not only on this station but on
Imperial outposts all over the galaxy. Accidents which would be
completely preventable if our stormtrooper armor were to be
redesigned..."
Jerjerrod got up. "I've heard these arguments already..."
"No, sir, please. If you'll just watch this brief assortment
of video clips we've prepared, perhaps these problems will become
more clear to you." The trooper nodded to one of his partners, and
a video screen dropped down from the ceiling. On the screen was an
image of two stormtroopers standing next to a ramp near the tractor
beam generator.
The presenter continued. "As you can see, we've titled our
presentation, 'I can't see a thing in this helmet,' which has been
a perennial mantra for regulars in the Imperial legion. If you'll
watch the screen, you'll see why."
On screen, the two troopers were talking:
"You seen that new PT-16?"
"Yeah, one of the other guys was telling me about it. He says
it's quite a thing to see."
From the left side of the screen, an old man in a brown robe
appeared. He made a motion with his hand. Both troopers looked
off down the hall, away from him.
"What was that?"
"Ah, it's nothing. Outgassing."
As they continued to speak, the old man walked onto the plank,
no more than 15 feet from them. Amazingly, they failed to notice
him. He walked off down a hallway.
The presenter motioned for the film to be paused. "Now that
was a dramatization, but it's based on actual events. It's ironic
that the one trooper asks the other if he's 'seen' the new PT-16,
considering the fact that neither of them can 'see' the old man
standing no more than 15 feet away. The helmets offer no
peripheral vision whatsoever."
Jerjerrod shifted in his chair and scratched his ass, bored.
"And that's only the vision problem. There are other problems
as well. For example, considering the fact that these uniforms are
supposed to constitute armor, it seems strange that they have a
tendency to explode whenever they're even nicked by a blaster shot.
Rather than offering protection, the suits offer a portable
electric chair to anyone silly enough to put them on. I should
warn you that the following footage is somewhat graphic."
On screen: A trooper takes a shot to the head, and is
decapitated. Another takes a shot to the knee, and his chest
explodes. Another is grazed by a shot, and electrical sparks surge
over his entire body, killing him. Finally, a trooper is hit in
the head with an ewok sling. His facemask implodes, and blood
sprays out, hitting the camera lens.
The technicians in the room shook their heads, queasy.
Jerjerrod continued scratching himself.
"As you can see, the protective armor is anything but. It
almost seems to have been deliberately designed in order to triple
casualty rates among our troops. Is it any wonder some of them
have marched nude in protest?"
Jerjerrod farted loudly. "Look boys, it's the same story
every year. I remember what those things were like. If they'd
give me the funding, I'd look into it, but they don't. Jesus
Christ, they don't give me the money to keep our toilets safe."
"But sir, we've developed some alternate designs that would
not only afford more protection, but would be less expensive to
produce..."
"Are you fuckin' crazy? If something's better, it costs more.
Doesn't matter how much money you save in production. That's the
way the world works."
The presenter paused, trying to salvage the presentation.
"Uhh...but sir, at least let us show you some designs with
alternate color schemes. You must admit, stark white doesn't offer
much in the way of camouflage."
"Look boys," Jerjerrod got up and walked to the door. "I've
got things to do. Everybody knows being a Tightie Whitie is the
shittiest shit detail in the galaxy. I hated it too. And you know
how I dealt with it?"
"How, sir?"
"Promotion." Jerjerrod walked out the door. "Now get back to
your posts, shitbirds."
*********
Luke and Vader stood in the turbolift. Both were silent.
Luke strained against the handcuffs he was wearing.
"I don't see why I have to be here."
Vader sighed. "Just talk to him for a few minutes. He's old,
you know."
"So are you."
"Do it for your old man, huh? I fixed your cock, didn't I?"
"Considering the fact that you cut it off in the first place,
I don't think the condition of my prick is much of a bargaining
chip for you."
"Come on. It'll make the old man happy."
"Search your feelings, father. You can't do this. I feel the
conflict within you. Let go of your hate."
Vader was silent for a moment. "It's too late for me, son.
The Emperor will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your
master now."
Luke shrugged, turning away from him. "Then my father is
truly an asshole."
"No more lip, huh? We're here."
The turbolift jerked to a stop, and the door opened on the
throne room. The lift was too low, however, forcing Luke and Vader
to climb up onto the floor. They stood up, dusting themselves off.
Luke adjusted the crotch of his pants. "Christ, doesn't
anything around here work?" He and Vader picked their way among
the cots and walked over to the Emperor's throne, which was facing
away from them. The throne slowly rotated, revealing Palpatine,
sitting casually with one wrinkled leg thrown over an armrest.
Palpatine coughed. "Welcome, young Skywalker. I've been
expecting you. You won't be needing those." Palpatine motioned
with an index finger, and the handcuffs slipped off of Luke's
wrist. "I'm looking forward to completing your training." He
lifted his gown, revealing his congested cock. "Soon, you'll call
this 'Master.'"
Luke grimaced in disgust, turning away. "Oh, man! You are so
gravelly mistaken it's not even funny."
"Oh, no, young jedi. You will find that it is you who are
mistaken, about a great many things."
Luke laughed. "No, old man. Trust me on this one. I'm
right. Do you realize how fundamentally unappealing you are?"
Palpatine threw his other leg over the armrest and rubbed the
inside of his thigh. "The Force is a powerful ally."
Luke smiled. "Senator Palpatine, you're trying to seduce me.
I mean, I'm flattered and all, but..."
Vader broke in, handing Luke's lightsaber to the Emperor.
"His lightsaber."
"Ah, a jedi's weapon." Palpatine took it and ignited it. The
bent yellow beam flashed irregularly. He passed his hand through
it several times without injury. "Hmmph. Much like your father's.
A piece of crap. But don't worry. I can give you something even
better." Palpatine began stroking his engorged cock.
Luke frowned, nauseated. "Your overconfidence is your
weakness. My stomach is mine."
Palpatine continued to stimulate himself. "You want this,
don't you? The blood is swelling in you now."
"Haven't we been through this already? Look, Emperor," Luke
took a step closer. "I respect you and everything. You've done a
lot of great things. But I don't find you in the least bit
attractive. I'm sorry."
Palpatine stared back at Luke, his yellow eyes boring into
him. "Here you will witness the end of your insignificant teenage
rebellion. With each passing moment you make yourself more my
servant!"
Luke shrugged and approached Vader, lowering his voice. "Man,
this guy is divorced from reality. I think it's time to consider
putting him in a home." He turned to the Emperor, clearing his
throat. "I'm sorry, your highness. I'm a Jedi. Like my father
before me. I've got a get-in-the-pussy-free card from one side of
this galaxy to the other. I have no particular reason or desire to
get busy with you."
Palpatine glared at him furiously, then slowly stood up. "So
be it...Jedi."
*********
Jerjerrod stumbled down a corridor, reeking of Rootleaf.
Passers-by awkwardly got out of his way. He glared at them, drunk.
"Get ready to fuck! You fuckin' fuckers! You fuckers!" He
slapped one stormtrooper sharply as they passed each other. "Don't
you fuckin' look at me!"
He turned and began kicking a wall furiously, talking to
himself out loud. "Now I understand why they call this station
'she.' I give, she takes. And takes and takes! Fuckin' bitch!"
He gave the wall a particularly sharp kick and sprained his ankle.
He fell to the floor.
A passing technician stopped and crouched down next to him.
"Sir, are you alright?"
Jerjerrod clutched the technician's shoulder and began weeping
on it. "I'm too short for this shit. I just wanted to cook. I
just wanted to learn to fuckin' cook! Then I get this
motherfuckin' chickenshit detail...It's not fair...It's not fuckin'
fair!"
"Well..." the technician fumbled for words. "Sometimes life
isn't fair, you know? It can really kick you in the ass. God
knows I know." He paused, thinking. "I worked for years to get
posted on this station. After my father died my mother had to take
two jobs to put me through the Imperial Academy. Eventually it was
too much for her. She was a strong woman, but her heart gave out.
She was everything to me. When she was gone, I just wanted to give
up, but I knew I couldn't. I owed it to her. So I struggled
through it. I couldn't give up after all she'd sacrificed. And I
didn't. I took the worst details there were. I did duty in the
anus cosmos. It was tough, but I had to do it for her."
The technician paused, his voice swelling with emotion.
"Whenever I wanted to throw in the towel I'd see her face. I'd see
her face the day we found out I'd been accepted to the academy.
She knew she'd have to take another job to keep the family
together. And she knew she wouldn't last long. She cried that
day. But not because she was sad for herself. It was because she
was happy for me. I can see her right now like it was yesterday.
I can see the tears that welled up in her eyes when I read the
acceptance letter. As clear as if she was standing in front of me
right now. And those tears aren't just water. The memory of them
is like my rocket fuel. It keeps me going, right through the worst
that life can throw at me."
Jerjerrod was speechless. The technician slowly pulled him to
his feet, straightening out his uniform for him. "There are 15,000
serving personnel on this station. And every one of them has a
story like mine. Like yours. Every one of them is a human being,
with hopes, regrets, dreams, nightmares. We're all in it together.
If I were you I'd try to keep that in mind whenever things get you
really down. Remember that the Death Star isn't just a big hunk of
metal. The Death Star is about people. A community of people from
all over the galaxy, from every different walk of life, coming
together for a shared purpose. Coming together because they
believe in the same things and are willing to make sacrifices for
those beliefs."
The technician rubbed his hand on one of the corridor walls,
and laughed softly. "It's a funny name, you know. 'The Death
Star.' It's funny because what this station is really about isn't
death at all, but life. It's a sacred vessel. It holds so much
more than these steel walls can contain. It holds the future. And
we've got to embrace the promise of the future, no matter how tough
the present gets. We owe it to those who came before us...and
those who'll come after. Nothing else is as important. Now are
you alright, sir?"
Jerjerrod blinked at him, groggy. "What's your name?"
"Ensign Rodriguez, sir."
"What level are we on?"
"AA23."
Jerjerrod shook his head. "I should have known. Rodriguez?"
"Yes, sir?"
"I have to take a shit."
*********
Palpatine rubbed his hands together. "If you will not be
turned, you will be...zapped with lightning bolts!"
Blue bolts of energy shot out of his fingers, blasting Luke
across the throne room. He landed on top of one of the cots,
breaking it. He coughed in the smoke, rolling onto the floor.
"Uhh...what the fuck was that?"
Palpatine made his way across the room, laughing. "A little
trick I learned in a bar on Kessel. I bet you thought the most the
Force can do is move stuff around. Young fool. Only now, at the
end, do you understand. The Force can make lightning bolts come
out of your fingers!"
Luke was suddenly blasted again, and sent rolling across the
floor in agony. "Aaarrghhh!! Ben, why didn't you tell me?!
Lightning bolts!?"
"Your feeble skills are no match for the power of lightning
bolts. You pay the price for your lack of vision." Palpatine
grinned like a demon, his rotting teeth glistening. He drooled
lasciviously onto his hospital gown. "Now, young Skywalker...your
days of prickteasing are over. You, like your father, are
now...mine. And right now, I like you more."
Palpatine stood over Luke, and rolled him onto his belly. He
pulled Luke's pants down and clapped his hands. "Guards! K-Y!"
An Imperial guard approached with a small tin of K-Y jelly. The
guard began rubbing it over Luke's rectum, while the Emperor rubbed
some on his cock.
Luke struggled weakly under the Emperor's weight. "Time out,
time out. I can be reasonable."
"That time is passed."
Luke yelled out. "Father? Do something, would you?"
Vader, who was sitting casually on the Emperor's throne, put
down the magazine he'd been reading. "What?"
"He's gonna fuck me up the ass!"
Vader chortled. "Like that'll be a new experience."
"That's not the point. He's a disgusting old man."
Vader looked back down at his magazine. "Well, you should
have thought of that before."
Palpatine hissed. "Silence! Now witness the firepower of
this fully armed and operational disgusting old man!" Palpatine
shoved his cock sharply up Luke's ass. Luke yelled out in pain.
"Owww!! Goddamnit!!" Luke's face contorted in pain. "I've
got a fucking terrible feeling about this! Father!"
Vader looked up from his magazine again, annoyed. "What now?"
"He's fucking me up the ass!"
"And the rebel forces are massing near Sullust. We hold these
truths to be self-evident. What do you want me to do about it?"
"Stop him! This really hurts."
"How?"
"I don't know. Pick him up and throw him down the reactor
shaft or something!"
"Are you kidding? He's my master."
"I'm your son!"
"Let me finish this article, then I'll think about it." Vader
turned the page, mentally drowning out the sound of Luke's screams.
*********
Jerjerrod and Rodriguez saw a pair of armed stormtroopers
standing in front of the entrance to the toilet. The stormtroopers
saluted stiffly. Jerjerrod waved his hand in reply.
"Alright, boys, I'm relieving you."
The troopers looked at each other, nervous. One spoke up.
"Uh...sir, we have orders not to leave our posts until our
replacements are already here. And our shift isn't over for
another four hours."
"You've got new orders. The relief is on the way. Rodriguez
and I will guard the thing until they get here."
"Ahh...I'm sorry, sir, but we really can't leave. I'm going
to have to ask you to step away from the door. We have orders to
use deadly force if necessary."
Jerjerrod squinted at them. "Okay, boys, fine. Just testing
you." He turned away from them, then suddenly whirled and kicked
one of the troopers in the groin with his sprained foot. The
trooper's groin exploded in a bright shower of sparks. He crumpled
to the deck, dead. Jerjerrod howled with the pain from his foot,
falling on his ass.
Rodriguez crouched down in front of Jerjerrod, blocking him
from the view of the remaining stormtrooper, who was brandishing
his rifle.
"Don't move!"
Jerjerrod quietly slipped a tiny blaster from his belt.
Rodriguez saw the blaster, and his eyes widened. "I love
you."
Jerjerrod smiled. "I know." He pushed Rodriguez aside and
fired the weapon at the trooper point blank. His facemask
exploded, and the headless body ran up against the opposite wall,
covering it with blood before it slumped in a heap.
Jerjerrod got up. Rodriguez looked at him in shock. "Why did
you do that?"
"I thought you wanted me to."
"My God no!"
"Then how should I interpret the 'I love you' remark?"
"I told you I loved you because I assumed you weren't going to
use your weapon. I loved the strength that I sensed in you. The
strength not to resort to violence. The compassion for your fellow
crewmen. Didn't you hear anything I was saying back there? We're
here to nurture life, not to..."
Another blast from Jerjerrod's pistol cut Rodriguez short. He
slipped to his knees, clutching his sizzling groin. He looked at
Jerjerrod with a confused, hurt expression on his face.
"Our...our children...will remember."
Jerjerrod fired another blast into his face, vaporizing it.
"Sure, sure. When you get to hell, say hi to your mom for me."
*********
"Father, please!!"
"Wait a second." Vader began skimming the rest of the
article.
Palpatine, half delirious with lust, continued pumping away,
grinning maniacally. "You can squeal, can't you Jedi? Squeal like
a pig?"
"Father!! Now would be a good time!!"
"Jesus Christ, I'm coming." Vader put the magazine aside and
strolled over. He gently slipped his arms around Palpatine's body
and started tugging on him.
"Vader! What are you doing?"
"Come on, master. I think you've had enough for one day.
Time for bed."
"No!" Palpatine began struggling, grabbing Luke's hips and
holding tight, while still clutching the jar of K-Y in his left
hand. Vader ended up dragging both of them. Luke cried out in
pain.
"Get him out of me!"
"I'm trying, son. You know how politicians get." Vader
reached around front and grasped the Emperor's penis, trying to
pull it out. It crackled with electrical charge, shocking Vader
and forcing him to withdraw his hand.
Palpatine laughed. "You can't stop me now! I'M COMING!!"
"Shit!" Luke exclaimed. "Get him out of me now. He's gonna
blow!"
Vader looked at Luke's agonized face, then at the Emperor.
Then back at Luke, then back at the Emperor. And again. One more
time. And once again.
Luke screamed, "WELL ANY FUCKING TIME, SWEETHEART!!"
Bracing himself, Vader gripped Palpatine's cock and wrenched
it out of Luke's ass. Lifting the Emperor up in the air, he began
carrying him over to the walkway which traversed the reactor shaft.
Pure energy from the Emperor's cock surged through Vader's body,
wracking him with pain and nearly overloading his systems.
Palpatine screeched in ecstasy. "COMMENCE PRIMARY
IGNITION!!!"
Before Vader could pitch him over the railing, Palpatine's
penis dissolved into a glowing white light. The light penetrated
the entire throne room, blinding all who looked at it. Vader fell
back onto the floor in a daze. When the light died down, all that
was left of Palpatine was his hospital gown, hanging empty in the
air. It fluttered softly to the floor, followed by the K-Y jar,
which fell on top of it.
Luke slowly dragged himself to his feet, then staggered over
to the gown, rubbing his sore ass. He prodded the gown with his
foot, satisfying himself that Palpatine was no more.
From the floor, Vader called out weakly, unable to move.
"Luke...son..."
Luke glared at him. "What?"
"Help me take...this mask..."
"Fuck you." Luke stumbled into the turbolift.
*********
Jerjerrod stood up from the toilet, buckling his pants. His
blaster lay on top of the tank. For a moment he gazed at the large
turd he'd just deposited, quietly floating in the bowl. Then his
finger came to rest on the handle. He hesitated, remembering
Rodriguez's words. Then he stood up and straightened his uniform.
He looked at himself in the mirror, then began combing his hair.
"I must be fuckin' nuts."
"No argument there." The voice startled Jerjerrod and he spun
around. Oola was standing calmly in the doorway, levelling a
blaster at him.
"Oola? What are you doing here?"
"I thought you might try something stupid like this. Get away
from the toilet."
"It's okay, I wasn't going to flush it. I was just about to
call someone."
"Back away, or I'll fucking blast you, I mean it."
Jerjerrod put on a pained expression. "Come on, baby, don't
do me like this. Don't you trust me?"
"Trust you? You're a fuckin' wacko."
"What about us?"
"'Us'? No such thing. There's 'Me' and then there's 'You.'
No 'Us.' Did you think I actually enjoyed all that sick shit?"
"You...you little green whore. It didn't mean anything to
you?"
Oola pointed the blaster at his head. "Dick."
Jerjerrod stared at her blankly, devastated. "This
is...madness. Madness!!" He grabbed his blaster off the tank,
ducking and firing. Oola returned fire, and both scored direct
hits. Oola sank to the floor, mortally wounded, while Jerjerrod
was blasted up against the wall.
Oola's tentacles began flailing wildly about her head.
Jerjerrod, clutching his bleeding stomach, gazed in disbelief. His
eyes fluttered as he began losing consciousness.
The blaster fell from his fingers. "What have I done?" With
that, he fell forward, catching the toilet handle in his cuff. It
was pulled down. The water in the bowl began to swirl...
*********
While still inside the turbolift, Luke felt a great rumbling
begin deep within the station. Then the lift lurched, and a
deafening alarm began sounding. Red emergency lights snapped on,
and a computerized female voice sounded over the intercom.
"PLUMBING SEQUENCE INTERRUPTED ON LEVEL AA23. STATION WILL
AUTOMATICALLY DESTRUCT IN T-MINUS FIVE MINUTES."
Luke sighed. "Beautiful." He punched level AA23 on the
turbolift panel. After a few moments, the door opened.
Luke walked out into the corridor, and was nearly knocked down
by a torrent of frantic personnel. Picking his way determinedly
among them, he came to the toilet and entered it.
Stepping over Oola's and Jerjerrod's bodies, he looked down
into the toilet bowl. It was completely clogged, and the water was
beginning to overflow. Without hesitation, Luke flipped open a
small panel adjacent to the toilet which read "FLUSHING UNIT."
Inside were two handles, both of which were in the OFF position.
He grabbed them and pulled them up. He then tried flushing the
toilet again. No change.
Luke went back out into the hallway, and went over to one of
the emergency intercoms. "Mother! I've turned the flushing unit
back on! Mother!!"
"STATION WILL AUTOMATICALLY DESTRUCT IN T-MINUS FOUR MINUTES."
"You bitch!!"
*********
Luke emerged into the main landing bay, finding himself in the
middle of an enormous battle. The personnel were fighting over the
insufficient lifeboats and emergency vehicles. Blaster shots
reverberated everywhere, and the entire bay was thick with the
smell of ozone.
Across the bay, a lone stormtrooper was protecting an Imperial
shuttle, which had been converted into a school bus. A group of
terrified toddlers huddled behind him as he fired shots into the
advancing mob.
"Come on, you bastards! We must evacuate the children first!"
Angry cries of 'Fuck the children!' and 'Eat me!' could be
heard in response. Luke sized up the situation and began making
his way over to the shuttle.
He was halfway across the bay, continuously dodging blaster
fire, when he found that he was dragging something with his foot.
He looked down. It was Vader, clinging to his ankle.
"How the fuck did you get down here?"
"I'm not totally decrepit, you know. You can't leave me here,
you've got to save me!"
"I already have, father. Believe me, I already have." Luke
began shaking his foot, trying to disengage himself. "Now let go,
goddamnit! No time to discuss this in committee."
"STATION WILL AUTOMATICALLY DESTRUCT IN T-MINUS TWO MINUTES."
"Luke! Help me take this mask off."
"What's in it for me?"
"Just for once, let me look on you with my own eyes."
"It's just a helmet, for Christ's sake. I'm not going to look
any different."
"It's symbolic."
"Well why didn't you say so before?"
"I did say so before."
Luke smirked, then reached down and snatched a blaster off the
floor. He aimed it and Vader's forearms and fired, blowing both of
them off.
"Aaagghhh!!" Vader rolled onto his back. "How can you do
this to me?"
"What can I say, Dad? My hate has made me powerful." Luke
blew him a raspberry and took off across the bay.
Meanwhile, the trooper was still desperately trying to protect
the shuttle. "These children have to be saved. They're the
future!!"
Luke began blasting his way through the crowd, felling
personnel left and right. "Excuse me, excuse me. Comin' through,
look out." Finally he walked up next to the stormtrooper, who
stared at him quizzically. "It's okay, sunshine," Luke reassured
him, "I'll take it from here." With that, he shot the trooper
point blank in the face.
The mob began to surge forward. Luke held them at bay. "Wait
a second, wait a second!!"
The mob answered: "WHAT?"
("STATION WILL AUTOMATICALLY DESTRUCT IN T-MINUS ONE MINUTE.")
"I'm commandeering this shuttle in the name of the Force."
"FUCK THE FORCE! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? LET'S SEE SOME
IDENTIFICATION."
Luke concentrated with all his might, trying to let the Force
flow through him and into the minds of the mob. "You don't need to
see my identification."
The members of the mob stared at him for a moment, silent,
before responding. "GIVE US THE FUCKIN' IDENTIFICATION!"
Luke closed his eyes and concentrated harder. "You will leave
this shuttle and these toddlers to me."
"UHH...WE WILL LEAVE THIS SHUTTLE AND THESE TODDLERS TO YOU."
"You serve your master well."
"WE SERVE OUR MASTER WELL."
"You like rewards, don't you?"
"WE LIKE REWARDS, DON'T WE?"
"Well, don't worry, you'll be rewarded."
"WELL, DON'T WORRY, WE'LL BE REWARDED."
Luke smirked and spoke under his breath. "In hell."
"WHAT?"
"Nothing. I can go about my business."
"YOU CAN GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS."
Luke motioned for the kids to get into the shuttle. "Move
along."
"MOVE ALONG. MOVE ALONG."
Luke followed the children up the boarding ramp, and closed
it. One of the toddlers tugged on his pant leg.
"Sir?"
"What?"
"How did you do that? I thought we were dead."
"The Force can have a strong influence on those with shit for
brains." Luke walked over to the controls, and started the ship's
engine. "Okay, you little bastards, hold on tight. The ride is
just beginning."
When the engines were warmed up, Luke began easing the shuttle
out of the bay, which was rapidly disintegrating. When the ship
was clear, he floored it, leaving the ailing Death Star behind.
It receded rapidly in the distance. After a few more seconds
there was a blinding flash, and a shock wave which rocked the
shuttle, spilling the toddlers out of their seats. When the shock
wave was over, Luke sighed in relief.
"Whew! That was one for the record books." He got up and
faced the children. "So, you kids want to sing a song or
something? How about 'Old MacDonald'? Know that one?"
The children shook their heads.
"'Knick-Knack Paddywack'?"
They shook their heads again.
"'Broken Hearts are for Assholes'?"
Nothing.
Luke gave up. "Ah, fuck it. Let's just get down to business,
then, shall we?" Luke stretched luxuriously, then began stripping
off his clothes. He undid his coveralls and slipped out of them.
While the children watched, he stripped down to a white tee-shirt
and g-string.
One of the children raised his hand. "Sir?"
"Yup."
"Why are you taking your clothes off?"
"Ah, the ignorance of youth. Kind of a ritualistic
purification thing. Reaffirming my sexuality."
"Aren't those ladies' underpants, sir?"
"Yes, they are. Alright, kids, listen up. I'm gonna get some
rope out of the storage closet here, and we're gonna play a little
game. It's called, 'Adjusting the Horizontal Boosters.' If you
don't know it, don't worry. You'll pick it up as we go along."
Luke walked over to the storage closet and began picking
through it, pushing aside a pressure suit. He was untangling a
length of rope when suddenly something black and hard struck him in
the face.
Luke fell backward, dazed. He looked up slowly, and saw that
Vader had somehow hidden himself in a mass of piping, blending into
the wall of the ship. He had struck Luke with one of his stumps.
Slowly, Vader uncoiled himself and fell out onto the floor.
"Son," Vader said, dragging himself across the floor, "We've
got to have a serious talk. And I still want you to take this mask
off me."
"Shit, don't you ever stop? I hate double endings." Luke
pulled himself to his feet, yanked the pressure suit out of the
closet, and began putting it on.
Vader looked up at him. "Look, I know I haven't been the best
father. I won't kid myself. But I deserve better than this. Give
me a break, huh?"
When Luke had finished putting the pressure suit on, he
carefully strapped himself into the control chair. One of the
children spoke up.
"Sir, what are you doing?"
"Never mind."
"Luke," Vader's breathing was labored as he inched ever
closer. "You have only begun to discover your power."
Luke let his fingers play over the airlock control panel.
"You...are my...Lucky...Star..."
"Come on, son, don't start with the 'Lucky Star' shit. Let me
make it up to you!"
"How?"
"Well...uh...wait a second...You know you were right. You
were right about me. Tell your sister you were right. I was
wrong."
Luke shook his head. "That's it, huh? Admitting you were
wrong? Goddamn, Pop, I expected more from you. Looks like anybody
can be a Sith lord these days. Anyhow, don't forget to button up.
It's cold out there."
Vader beat the floor in frustration. "Oh...Fuck you, you
snot-assed little cocksucker!! What did I do to deserve you? Why
didn't I wear a fuckin' prophylactic?!!"
"Good question." Luke slammed the AIRLOCK OPEN button, and
the entire atmosphere of the shuttle was whisked out into space.
The toddlers were swept off their seats and through the hatch,
where they began bursting in the vacuum like firecrackers. Vader
was dragged along the floor, but managed to grab onto a pipe with
what was left of one of his arms. As his grip weakened, he hissed
at Luke, but no sound was possible. Finally he gave up and let go,
freeing his arms to make every obscene gesture he could think of as
he disappeared into the void. When he was gone from sight, Luke
closed the hatch and began repressurizing the cabin.
*********
Luke, dressed in a filmy white nightgown, sat in front of the
control panel, making his final log entry.
"Final report of the Imperial Death Star. Luke Skywalker,
Jedi knight, reporting. All the other motherfuckers on the
station, who cares what their names were, are on their way to hell.
I don't think too many flags'll be at half-mast over that. Cargo
and station destroyed. That's too bad. A lot of money."
Luke thought of all the resources which had been lost when
that Death Star exploded. Enough to keep an entire planet's
population wealthy for centuries. He found tears welling in his
eyes at the thought of all that lost capital. He wiped them away
and continued with the log.
"I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a
little luck, the network will pick me up. This is Luke Skywalker,
Jedi fuckin' knight, signing off."
Luke flipped off the log recorder, then paused, thinking. He
flipped it back on again.
"And if the network doesn't pick me up, fuck 'em. I've always
hated networking anyway."
--------------------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 6: JABBAWOCKY
or BLUE MOVIE HARVEST
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1995)
Bib Fortuna stood in a doorway on Dantooine, singing to
himself, his pinkish head tentacles tapping a rhythm on his
shoulders.
"I went to Chinatown...to buy some..."
A short, camouflaged bounty hunter with a brown helmet
approached. He spoke in monotone, synthesized syllables.
"Are you Bib? I'm lookin' for some action.
Bib stopped singing and sighed. "Officer," he said, opening
his robe to show that he held no concealed weapons, "I'm clean.
You gonna bust me for nothin', man?"
"I'm not a cop."
"Then why are you askin' me for action?"
"Because he sent me over." The bounty hunter motioned across
the street to where a large wookiee was sitting on a stoop, licking
itself. The wookiee looked up at them balefully, munching a
mouthful of parasites.
Bib looked the bounty hunter over carefully. "Uh...ne Jabba
no badda. Me chaude su goodie."
"Sorry, I can only turn the 'goodies' over to him personally.
Anyway, how's Han?"
"Who?"
"You know Han."
"No, man, I don't know nobody named Han. Go back where you
came from, man, before you get hurt."
"You carry a blaster?"
Bib snarled and lashed out with one of his tentacles. "Get
the fuck outta here, man. Get outta here!"
The bounty hunter whipped a small pistol out from under his
robe and jammed it in Bib's stomach. "Suck on this." He fired,
blasting Bib up against the door.
Bib slipped to the ground, clutching his bleeding stomach.
"De wanna...wanga..."
The bounty hunter put his weapon back in his robe. "We'll
file that under 'Stupid Last Words.'" He turned to the wookiee and
whistled. "Yo, Sparky. Hotwire this thing."
*********
Jabba the Hutt spat out a frog in disgust. "Bosca! Dry as
grandmother's cunt!" Jabba wiped his mouth with a hand which was
encrusted in brilliant gold rings. "Alright, let's see it."
R2D2, sitting quietly in Jabba's Rumpus Room, surrounded by a
bizarre retinue of rubbery-looking creatures, snapped to attention
and beamed a holographic image in front of Jabba.
Luke Skywalker flickered and coughed. "...fuckin' thing on
yet? I thought that light was supposed to blink...Okay, ahem."
Luke straightened out his robes and snorted, clearing his sinuses.
"Greetings, exalted one. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Luke
Skywalker, Jedi knight and freelance screenwriter..."
Jabba rolled his enormous red eyes. "Oh, great."
"I know you're powerful, mighty Jabba, and your frustration
with hack writers must be equally powerful. I seek an audience
with your greatness to pitch an idea to you..."
Jabba sneered. "Christ, nobody's been stupid enough to pitch
since the Clone Wars. Did this kid grow up on a farm?"
"...with your wisdom, box-office savvy, and directorial
experience, I'm sure we can work out an arrangement which will be
mutually beneficial, and allow us to avoid any unpleasant
confrontations. As a token of my goodwill, I'm going to eat this
plate of crap." Luke reached behind his robe and produced a plate
of feces with a spoon stuck in it. "I hope this will demonstrate
my willingness to go to almost any length to work with an artist as
remarkable as yourself." Luke shoveled a heaping spoonful of shit
into his mouth and swallowed quickly, grinning.
Jabba laughed, and the rest of his courtiers joined in. "The
old Jedi shit-eating trick. Well he'll have to eat a lot worse
than that to get a break in this sector." Jabba waved his hand and
R2 obediently stopped projecting the message. "Get this droid out
of here and mount a camera on him." A couple of Gamorrean guards
dutifully hauled R2 away.
The room fell under a hush as the bounty hunter, leading the
wookiee on a leash, entered the throne room. He cleared his throat
and addressed Jabba. "Herr Direktor, I've got a nice deal for you-
-Chewbacca. Good condition. Beautiful coat. Nothing beats the
look and feel of real fur." He ran his hand through Chewbacca's
pelt, making it catch the light. "Very healthy. What's your
offer?"
Jabba smiled broadly, green saliva spilling out of both
corners of his mouth. "Bo Shuda."
Bo, a gaunt-looking man in a green robe, approached
immediately. "Yes, your grace."
"Translate for me."
"But he's speaking English."
"What's 'English?' Just do what I say."
"Very well, Lord." Bo turned to the bounty hunter. "Okay,
Mr..."
"Boushh."
"What?"
"Boushh."
"Whatever. Jabba will gladly pay you the reward of 25,000."
"As long as he pays it twice."
Bo turned to Jabba. "50,000. No less."
Jabba smirked. "Why the fuck should I pay 50,000 for that
moth-eaten hound?"
Boushh paused. "Oh, I don't know." He pulled a thermal
detonator out from under his robe, then blanched in mock surprise.
"Oh, wow! I've been looking everywhere for this."
Jabba laughed. "This bounty hunter is my kind of scum,
strapped and emotionally volatile. How about 35?"
Boushh thought for a moment. "Okay. But that's a friend
price." He put the detonator back in his pocket. "Zebus."
Jabba attempted to clap his hands, but couldn't quite get them
to meet. "Guards! Take this wookiee to the make-up department.
Shave him, we can use the hair for wigs."
With the tension in the room released, Boushh began mingling
awkwardly with the courtiers, most of whom were stoned. Some had
strangely unarticulated faces which allowed them no capacity for
speech. He made his way to a corner.
"Man, this whole place smells of latex."
Boba Fett approached tentatively, holding a couple of drinks
in his hand. He held one out to Boushh. "Have one, they're pretty
good. Make sure you eat the worm."
Boushh held the glass up to the light. "What's in this?"
Boba shrugged. "A little JD, a little SoCo, a little Squood.
Apart from that, only what you take with you." Boba handed Boushh
a straw. "I haven't seen you around. I'm Boba."
"Boushh."
"Yeah, I heard. You're Ubese, aren't you?
"Uh, I guess."
"That's great. So..." Boba scratched the back of his neck
awkwardly. "Do you like to uh...have fun?"
Boushh sighed. "I don't know. Fun usually doesn't turn me
on."
"Well it does me. I love fun."
"That's not uncommon."
"I always have. Ever since I was a kid." Boba laughed
sheepishly.
"That's great." Boushh sipped his drink and tried to think of
a way to bow out gracefully. "Uh...I have to piss."
"Go right ahead."
"Where's the toilet?"
Boba laughed. "Hell, you're in it. Didn't you see the drains
in the floor? We're a very open community here." He reached into
his pants, pulled out his cock, and began urinating in front of
Boushh. "See? Nobody freaks. Go ahead, whip it out."
"Ah...maybe later. Excuse me, I have to...walk to the other
side of the room." Boushh handed his drink back to Boba and began
slipping away.
Boba flicked his cock twice and zipped up. "Yeah, well I
guess I'll see you around."
Lurking in the shadows at one corner of the room, Lando
Calrissian slowly pulled down part of his facemask, taking a better
look at Boushh, who was now cornered by a throng of jawas.
Boba noticed him and strode over. "Hey, Calrissian! What the
hell are you lookin' at? Quit fuckin' around and get back to
work."
Lando spat. "I ain't buck-dancin' for your ass. You're not
my boss."
"You'll buck-dance when I say so. If it wasn't for me, you
wouldn't even have this job."
Lando sighed and pushed his mask back up. "Oh that's right,
I never thanked you did I? Thank you ever so fucking much."
"That's enough lip, boy. If I hadn't taken you here, you'd
have still been on Cloud City when that little...accident
happened."
"They told me they fixed the antigrav supports. I trusted
them. It's not my fault."
"Tell that to the schmucks who were unlucky enough to be
residents when Cloud City became Falling-through-the-Clouds City,
then Splashing City, then Laying-at-the-Bottom-of-the-Fuckin'-Ocean
City."
Lando put his hand to his chest. "My heart is breaking. It
wasn't my fault anyway, it was that Skywalker. He took over the
station and fucked everything up."
"That's it, blame somebody else." Boba sniffed the air.
"Hey, the shit smell in here is so thick I can almost see it. Why
don't you find yourself a mop and fulfill your potential?"
"Why don't you kiss my black ass?"
*********
Carefully stepping amongst the sleeping courtiers, Boushh made
his way across the room to the far wall. In the wall was an
archway, and above the archway, a sign: CARBONITE SCULPTURE GARDEN.
He quietly stepped through.
The walls were lined with frozen forms in various unusual
contortions. Stormtroopers, Bloodsniffers, Greenies, Digworms,
Snaggletooths, Wookiees, Sauropteroids, Pterosaurs, and other
humanoids, many of them engaged in sadomasochistic sex acts, were
arranged everywhere. The figures bore unusual titles: 'Stepping in
Badure', 'Queernica', 'Star Wars.'
Boushh shook his head and muttered to himself. "Great. How
the hell am I supposed to find him?" In one corner of the gallery,
he came upon a human-looking figure, stuck in a position vaguely
similar to the one Han was in when he was frozen. It even had a
sizable erection. It's features weren't visible, as if too much
carbonite had been used. The title: 'Performance Pressure II.'
Boushh shrugged and hit a switch located on the base of the
figure. "Here goes nothing." The figure began to glow and a
humming sound began to emanate from it. The carbonite melted off
the penis first, which slowly drooped as it was freed. When all
the carbonite was gone, a nude man with dark hair fell out onto the
floor. Boushh dragged the shivering man into the light to get a
better look at him.
"Fuck," Boushh muttered. It wasn't Han. The man had fairly
nondescript features, with a black moustache. His only outstanding
asset was his penis, which even flaccid was a good 7 inches long.
He coughed and reached out blindly, feeling Boushh's helmet.
Boushh pushed his hands away, annoyed. "Jesus, man. Relax.
You're free of the carbonite. You have hibernation sickness."
"I can't see."
"Well that must suck."
"Where am I?"
"Jabba's sculpture garden. Dantooine."
"Who are you?"
"Someone who was lookin' for someone else. I'm sorry to wake
you up and everything. I've gotta be discreet, you understand.
I'm gonna have to refreeze you."
The man shuddered. "No! No, wait, I'll do anything, man.
I'll suck your cock, I'll drink your piss, anything! But don't
freeze me again." The man found Boushh's hand and shook it
vigorously. "Nice to meet you. My name's Peter. My friends call
me Biggs."
"Why do they call you that?"
"Am I wearing pants?"
"Oh, yeah. 'Biggs,' huh? How did you get in here?"
"I was working here. I'd just quit the Academy, and I needed
a job. I figured with my dick I could make it in pornos, so I came
here and auditioned for Jabba. He cast me and everything. But I
couldn't get it up on the set. I don't know why, it never happened
before. Anyway, they had to get another actor at the last minute.
Jabba got so pissed that he, uh...well, here I am."
"Yeah. Well, Biggs, it was real nice talkin' to you, but I've
gotta put you back in the fridge..."
"No, no, wait! Have a heart man, I feel like I've been up
there forever. Have you got a cigarette?"
Boushh sighed. "I guess. Unfiltered?"
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
Boushh fumbled in his pocket and produced a cigarette and a
Zippo. He stuck the cigarette between Biggs' lips and lit it.
Biggs took a long drag, then coughed. "Oh, man. That is so
good. Can you believe people ever thought these were bad for you?
So anyway, who were you looking for?"
"Uh...I'm sure you don't know him."
"I know lots of people. Try me."
"Han Solo."
"Oh yeah. I remember him. Good old Han."
"You're just saying that, aren't you?"
"Well I don't really know him. Last I saw Jabba had him
chained up."
"When was that?"
"The day I was frozen. Must've been years ago. The stardate
was 7504.2."
Boushh glanced at his watch. "That was the day before
yesterday."
Biggs coughed loudly. "No shit? Goddamn, it seemed like
longer."
"How far away is Han? Will it take us long to get there?"
"You must have walked right by him. My luck, huh? And you
could have unfrozen anybody, but you unfroze me. Do you believe in
fate?"
Boushh took out his blaster, cocked it, and pressed it up
against Biggs' ear. "Recognize this sound?"
"Yeah."
"Then tell me where he is."
*********
Boushh made his way back through the rumpus room, scanning the
area. He spotted a small alcove set into the wall. Behind him,
Biggs was following and whispering.
"I mean, there must be dozens of guys frozen in there, but out
of all of them..."
Boushh turned and glared at him. "I thought you were blind."
"Well, hibernation sickness isn't so bad when you've only been
frozen for a couple days."
Boushh looked into the alcove. Sure enough, Han Solo was
lying in it, asleep. He seemed healthy, if a bit oddly dressed.
He wore a two-piece dancing girl's outfit. His face was heavily
made up, and he appeared to be wearing some kind of female wig.
Biggs snickered. "Man, that must be humiliating. I guess I
didn't have it so bad."
"Shut up!" Boushh hissed as he knelt over Han. He shook him
gently.
Han's eyes flickered, and he pushed Boushh away, half-asleep.
"Go away. I'm exhausted."
"Han, it's me."
"Well that really narrows it down."
"Someone who loves you."
"Jabba, I told you, I'm tired."
"I'm not Jabba, goddamnit."
Han opened his eyes a little wider, rolling over. "Luke?"
"No!" Boushh pulled off his helmet, revealing himself to
be...
...Leia! Goddamn, what a surprise. She shook her long dark
hair free, letting it spill over her shoulders. "I've come to
rescue you."
Han blinked. "Who the fuck are you?"
She frowned. "I'm Leia."
"You're what?"
"Leia Organa, princess of the asteroid belt formerly known as
Alderaan. I went down on you on Cloud City, remember?"
Han rubbed the scar on his chin, thinking. "Hmmm...Oh, yeah.
That brunette number with the tits. Yeah, I remember you now.
Uh...How's it goin'?"
"I missed you." Leia's eyes glittered seductively. "I mean
I really, really missed you."
"Look, your worship, I don't know what you think we had,
but...well, I mean, you give good head and everything, but...You
know, I'm a smuggler. A smuggler has a certain lifestyle. I
travel a lot. I meet a lot of different life forms. I
need...latitude, you know? Latitude. I'm not the kind of guy to
restrict myself to...you know, one particular..." Han sighed, and
rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Anyway, it's uh...nice to see
you."
"It's nice to see you." Leia was already taking off her
cumbersome Boushh outfit. She pulled her robes off and began
unzipping the front of her jumpsuit. Freeing her breasts from the
fabric, she presented them to Han. "Why don't we get reacquainted?
I've been waiting for so long. Other men, you know...I thought we
really had something. I haven't...felt like that with any other
guy. And I've been with plenty of other guys. Believe me.
Legions. All over the galaxy. I mean, if you laid their dicks end
to end..." Leia smiled sheepishly. "I'm rambling, sorry." She
unlatched Han's codpiece and pulled it off. She gripped his penis
tightly, working it up and down.
Han found himself hardening rather quickly. "Well, your
worship, I guess it's the least I can do." Pulling himself up to
his knees, he helped Leia out of the rest of her clothes. She
still clasped him tightly in her hand. When she had disrobed
completely, she leaned over and hungrily took him into her mouth,
closing her eyes. She moaned contentedly.
Han caught his breath and tried to relax. Then he noticed
Biggs, who was staring unashamedly at them. "Hey, Limpy. Didn't
expect to see you out and about."
Biggs blushed, remembering his 'failure at the cave.' "At
least I'm not anybody's bitch," he retorted.
"Would you excuse me, I'm trying to receive a blowjob here."
Han gently stroked Leia's hair. She was so absorbed in the act she
didn't even notice their conversation.
Biggs shook his head. "She could probably fit you between the
gap in her teeth."
Han laughed. "Well yours is elastic enough to fit just about
anywhere. You know there are doctors who can treat that."
"If the mood's right, I can fuck a chick six ways to
Saheelindeel. My problem was just a one time thing. I've got
paternity suits in twelve systems. I can make a girl come faster
than a souped-up hyperdrive."
"Even an Alderaanian?"
"Alderaanian, Schmalderaanian."
"Oh, really?"
"I'd bet on it."
"How much."
Biggs shrugged. "How much you got?"
Han smirked. "With the tips I make in this place? Can you
cover a man's wager? 3000?"
"I'm good for it."
"Then be my fucking guest." Han took Leia firmly by the
shoulders. "Hey, uh...it's Leia, right? Limpy here would like a
go."
Leia glanced around at Biggs. "Him? It's an accident he's
even here." Biggs was already down on his knees, rubbing his
prick.
"Do it for me, huh? I'll stick with you, I promise." Han
flashed his most disarming grin and pinched her cheek.
"Will you finish what you begin?"
Han laughed. "Hey. It's me."
Leia sighed. "Alright." She turned around. Biggs was
already on top of her, rolling her over onto her back. Leia
resisted slightly. "Whoa, slow down. Do you have money on this or
something?"
Biggs began licking the inside of her thigh. Moving over to
her mons pubis, he nuzzled the hair with his nose, then began
flicking lightly at Leia's clitoris, which was already engorged.
Taking it between his teeth, he twisted his head in a circular
motion.
Leia moaned. "Hey, you're pretty good at this. Maybe it was
fate." While still chewing her clitoris softly, Biggs inserted a
finger into her vagina. Leia closed her eyes. "Oh, index finger,
where have you been all my life?"
Han piped up. "Come on, don't get all mushy on him, Princess.
Proof's in the pudding. Is he set yet?"
Leia looked down at Biggs prick. "Oh yeah, he's almost
ready." Biggs grinned and put his middle finger into her, then his
ring, then his pinky. Soon all five fingers were plunging in and
out. Leia began squirming ecstatically.
"Oh, yes...Yes!"
Biggs spat out Leia's clit and smiled at Han. "See that,
Solo? And I'm not even wearing my academy ring. There's a word
for this--technique."
Han rolled his eyes. "That's not technique. It's overkill.
Stuff ten fingers in there, why don't you? Stick your foot in.
Shit, give a Corellian a blade of grass..."
"Well I don't have any grass," Biggs drawled, removing his
hand, "but I got a few nuts that are ready for planting." Aiming
his prick, which was a full 13 inches long by now, he gently forced
it inside. Leia's labia was stretched to the limit.
She gasped. "Thank the maker!" She got up onto her elbows,
watching Biggs do his work, gaping at the size of his prick as it
periodically disappeared inside her. "Fate. Definitely fate."
Biggs quickened his stroke at a geometric rate, rocking Leia
back and forth and banging her head against the back wall. Her
eyes rolled up into the back of her head and saliva began to spill
from the corners of her mouth. Biggs cock was nearly purple, and
Leia's secretions were forming a small pool underneath them. She
moaned louder.
"Yes. No. Yes! No! Yes!!"
Biggs quickly covered her mouth. "Careful, honey. You'll
wake the neighbors."
Leia yanked his hand away, hyperventilating. "No!! Yes!!
No!!! YES!!! CHRIST, NO!!! OH FUCK YEAH!!!!" Leia's entire body
spasmed as she experienced the most shattering climax of her life.
Her eyes fluttered and she fell back, unconscious, her entire body
drenched in sweat.
As Biggs continued pumping away, he picked up Leia's limp
wrist and looked at her watch. "78 seconds. Ready to concede,
Solo?"
Han looked on impassively. "That'll be the day."
After a few more quick strokes, Biggs had an orgasm of his
own, quietly ejaculating into Leia. He withdrew himself and patted
his prick. "Knew you wouldn't let me down."
An unidentified voice called out from across the room. "Cut!
Impressive." The lights in the room came up, revealing the
courtiers, who had apparently all been feigning sleep. A curtain
in the back of the room parted, revealing Jabba, sitting quietly on
his dais, holding a megaphone. "Most impressive. I guess your
skills were complete, Biggs."
Han rubbed the back of his neck. "Great." R2D2 wheeled his
way out of the shadows, a large camera mounted on his head.
Jabba motioned to R2. "Did you get all that?" R2 bleeped an
affirmative.
Biggs pulled himself to his feet. "Uh...Your excellency? Did
you like my performance? Really?"
"Very professional. Too bad you couldn't manage it a few days
ago."
"But I'm cured now. Send me out! Give me a lead!"
"Oh, really?" Jabba snapped his fingers. R2 hit Biggs' groin
with a spotlight and began filming again. Biggs bit his lip and
smiled awkwardly. His penis began to shrivel immediately,
decreasing in size until it was no bigger than a walnut.
"Umm...Uh, it's just...uh, well, I just had an orgasm. Gimme a
break."
"I already did, and you blew it. Guards!" Two Gamorreans
took hold of Biggs and began dragging him away while Jabba laughed.
"Hey, it's cool, Biggs. We'll do lunch sometime."
Jabba turned his attention to Leia, who was still out like a
light. "Hmmm...I like her dedication. Nice tits. And the bounty
hunter thing was clever. We'll film a little more with her
tomorrow. Take her to central casting."
Lando emerged from the shadows and began dragging Leia out by
one foot. She left a long smear of sweat on the floor.
Han noticed him as he passed by. "Lando?"
Lando avoided his gaze. "Uh, no."
Han pulled off Lando's helmet and held him under a light.
"Lando!"
"I'm not Lando."
"Of course you are."
"No I'm not. Lando is...somebody else I've never met and
haven't even heard about and who definitely isn't me."
"Why didn't you tell me you were here? Look at you, a
responsible janitor. Who'd have thought that, huh?"
"It's been nice talking to you, but I've never met you and
don't know what you're talking about." Lando pulled himself free
and dragged Leia out of the room.
Jabba looked at Han and laughed. "You certainly have a way
with people. Now come over here. We're gonna play 'Where's
froggy?'"
Han shuddered. "Do I have to?"
"I'm afraid so."
Han approached the dais tentatively. "Can't I just give you
my tips from last week? You're throwing away a fortune here, don't
be a fool."
Jabba smiled as Bo Shuda gently tied a large blindfold over
his eyes. He quivered with excitement. "Where's the froggy?
Where is my froggy?"
Han sighed, then reached into Jabba's frog bowl. He picked
out a particularly plump specimen, then took a roll of duct tape
which was lying next to the bowl and began wrapping tape around the
frog. He recited his usual lines listlessly. "The froggy's coming
home, Jabba."
"More feeling, Solo! Where's froggy?"
Han put a little more pep in his voice. "Froggy's coming.
Froggy's coming back home." He began rubbing the terrified frog's
genitals under Jabba's nose. "Is this froggy's house?"
Jabba sniffed. "Froggy's not home yet. Where's froggy?"
Han rubbed the frog under one of Jabba's armpits. "Is this
froggy's house?"
"Froggy's not home yet. Where's froggy?!"
He rubbed it in Jabba's left ear, then his right. "Is this
froggy's house? Froggy can't find his house."
Jabba bounced up and down, whining like a child. "Froggy's
not home yet. Come home, froggy!"
Han stuffed the frog between Jabba's slavering lips. "Is this
froggy's house?"
Jabba rolled the frog in his mouth, then spat it back at Solo,
who caught it deftly. "Froggy's not home yet! Froggy!" Jabba
began to cry, then slowly rolled his enormous bulk over, revealing
the toilet which was built into the dais. An overpowering stench
was released. Some of the courtiers fainted.
Han breathed carefully through his mouth. "Could froggy's
house be down here?"
"Come home, Froggy!"
Searching through rolls of fat, Han found Jabba's anus. He
rubbed the frog around the rim. "Could this be froggy's house?"
Jabba clapped his hands. "FROGGY!!"
Han braced himself and plunged the frog deep into Jabba's ass.
When it was firmly in place, he pulled his arm out immediately,
holding it away from himself. The courtiers cheered and began
chanting: "FROGGY...FROGGY...FROGGY..."
Jabba rolled back over and began squirming. "Froggy's home!
Froggy's home!" As the doomed frog wriggled and burrowed, Jabba
let out a sigh of pleasure.
Han picked a garden hose up off the floor and began hosing off
his arm. "I've had so many bad feelings about that."
*********
Leia slowly regained consciousness to find herself gripped
firmly by a Gamorrean guard, who was drooling on her shoulder. She
scowled in disgust and struggled, but the guard's rubbery arms held
her fast. She was still nude.
EV-9D9, the spindly robotic head of central casting, stood
casually in front of Leia, hands on hips. Her voice was strangely
metallic and Mulgrew-esque. "Ah. A new acquisition. You are
Alderaanian, are you not?"
Leia casually spat in 9D9's face. "Go fuck yourself."
The collected minions laughed knowingly. 9D9 smirked
(somehow). "Asked and answered. How many sexual positions do you
know?"
Leia struggled to remain casual. "Listen, sister, I've been
from one end of the galaxy to another, I've had a lot of strange
nights. I've got more bites on my ass than you've got on your hard
drive."
"Good. We've been in need of a new actress since the Master
got angry with the last one and disintegrated her. She kept asking
for her motivation. Will you be looking for motivation?"
"No one's ever accused me of having a bad motivator."
"You're a feisty one, but you'll soon learn some respect."
"I don't know," Leia muttered, "my learning curve ain't so
great, respect-wise. Especially when I'm talkin' to a dressed-up
Speak-And-Spell with delusions of grandeur."
"What are you rebelling against?"
"Whattya got?"
9D9 rubbed her chin. "We have need of you on the set in 2
hours. The Maestro is shooting a major scene for his new film, and
believes you'll do nicely.
"Shit. Tell him I'll be in my trailer." With that, Leia
brought her knee up into the Gamorrean's groin. It slipped to the
floor, but its facial expression remained static. Leia then
grabbed it by the horns and attempted to knee it in the face, but
in so doing she inadvertently pulled its head off.
The head was only a mask. A sweating man was revealed
underneath. He heaved a sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank God. Somebody tell Jabba we need more airholes."
Leia shook her head, dumbfounded, and 9D9 took the opportunity
to take her by the arms.
9D9 hissed in her ear. "You silly cunt. Now we'll have to
fit you with a restraining bolt." From across the room, R2D2
wheeled over. A hatch on his torso opened, and a long, vicious-
looking prod extended. "You see," 9D9 purred, "it enters through
the introitus, and imbeds itself in the uterine lining. This has
the effect of rendering the victim extremely susceptible
to...direction."
Leia tried to conceal her fear. "Go ahead. I've had worse."
"I sincerely doubt that."
R2 slowly inserted the probe into Leia's vagina. She gritted
her teeth, pretending to enjoy it. "Oh...yeah. Feels good.
Mmmm...Give it all to me." When the bolt was in the right
position, it locked itself in place with an audible snap. Leia's
eyes bulged, but she kept her cool. She winked at R2. "You were
wonderful."
*********
Biggs found himself unceremoniously hurled into a dank prison
cell. The door was shut and bolted. He ran to the door and
shouted at the departing guard.
"Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck your mother!"
He sat down in a puddle and began listlessly playing with
himself. "They called me an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm not
an animal."
From a corner of the room, he heard a strange growling.
"Great. They put me in the zoo."
Chewbacca stepped out the shadows. He had been completely
shaved. His wrinkled skin was bunched awkwardly. "Raarrghh ruuurr
reeaaghh." (Wonderful. I get to do time with one of these pink-
faced assholes.)
Biggs blinked at the hairless wookiee. "You're one ugly
motherfucker. What did they get you for?"
"Raaeerr rowwr raaararggh." (16 wigs, 25 mustaches, and a
toupee for Ishi Tib.)
Biggs sighed. "Christ. You're just a dumb brute."
"Reearr roorg. Reeeaar rooaaagh ragah." (Watch your ass.
Hey, do you have any copper on you? I've spent all day building a
primitive subspace transmitter out of bits of hair and bone I found
in the cell. It might be able to get us out of here.) Chewie
picked up the half-completed transmitter, which utilized a jawa
skull as the main housing. "Reeaarag rooowar roogarrh..." (I made
the hair conductive with my saliva, and I've been experimenting
with static electricity as a power source. This jawa's tympanic
membrane was still intact, and I think I might be able to...)
Biggs took the transmitter and threw it against the wall,
breaking it. "I haven't got time to fuck around with your chew
toys. I've got to figure out a way of getting us out of here."
Biggs rubbed his chin. "Hmmm. Maybe if I yell at the guard long
enough, he'll crack."
Biggs got up and walked to the door. "Hey, guard! Let us
out! Let us out! Let us out! Let us out!"
The guard yelled back. "Shut up, humanoid scum!"
"I won't stop yelling until you let us out! Let us out! Let
us out! Let us out!"
"Fuck you!"
Chewie picked the transmitter parts off the floor and
scratched the back of his neck. He looked Biggs over carefully.
"Raaraggh reeearr ruuurr." (Perhaps I could use this human's
tailbone as a pick-ax and dig my way out.)
Biggs continued to plead with the guard. "Come on, man! Let
us out! Let us out!"
"I'm not listening!"
*********
"'Blue Harvest,' scene four, take one." Bo Shuda snapped his
clipboard and scampered out of frame.
Jabba raised his megaphone. "Smoke!" Smoke machines began to
thicken the atmosphere. "And...hot lovin' action!"
R2's camera started rolling. In the center of the set was a
plush canopied bed. Leia was lying on it, her arms tied to the
bedposts. R2 tracked in on her vulva, getting a closeup.
The extras began snickering. One yelled out: "Don't get too
close! The humidity'll ruin the film!"
Leia retorted. "If you can't stand the heat, don't stick your
head in the oven, laser-brains!"
Jabba blared through his megaphone. "Quiet on the goddamn
set!"
In one corner, out of shot, Boba Fett nudged Lando, who was
holding a microphone boom.
"Calrissian."
"Shut up."
"What happened to that bounty hunter, Boushh?"
"Look man, we don't have a looping facility here. I've got to
get the sound on set. Now quit fuckin' with me." Lando tried to
ignore him.
"I sure did like that Boushh. Seemed like a nice person."
"There is no Boushh."
"What?"
"There is no Boushh, asshole. It was Leia in a get-up."
"What? You mean that chick with the tits?"
"Where the fuck have you been?"
Boba shook his head. "No way. He must have gone somewhere.
No way that could have been her."
"Look over there, man. There's the outfit." Lando pointed to
Salacious Crumb, who was sitting next to Jabba, wearing Boushh's
robes. "See?"
"No, it's impossible. I don't believe you. He's gotta be
around here somewhere. Sure did like him." Boba wandered off,
muttering to himself.
As Leia lay helpless on the bed, Ree-Yees approached, saliva
dripping from his mouth. His 3 eyes gaped in disbelief at her
vagina. When Leia caught sight of him, she yelled out. "Wait wait
wait! Cut, cut, cut! This is a fuckin' joke right?"
Jabba threw his megaphone to the floor in frustration. "How
many more takes are you going to ruin? Why don't you tell me now
so I'll know when to start rolling."
"What hell is this?" Leia pointed to Ree-Yees with her foot.
"That's Ree-Yees."
"And he's supposed to play the part of 'Bruce'? Who's the
casting director for this fiasco?" Leia struggled against her
bonds.
"I cast him myself. He has a certain magnetism."
Ree-Yees continued drooling over Leia, his lower lip
fluttering.
Leia continued to wriggle. "And I'm supposed to fuck him? No
way, release me."
Jabba laughed. "Even if I released you from the bed, I ain't
releasing you from your contract. If I want you to boff my
friends, you'll boff my friends. What is this, a fuckin' new
experience? It's part of the business."
"I'm not in the business. I am the business."
"That's right, and for the next 10 minutes, Ree gets to do his
business. Now shut up. Don't make me turn on the restraining
bolt."
Leia shuddered. "Okay, okay. But I want more profit points."
Jabba picked his microphone back up. "Camera...Action!"
Ree-Yees lay down over Leia, his head at her groin. He spoke
haltingly, trying to remember his lines.
"Uh...I'm sure glad we escaped from those...lesbian bikers."
Leia cleared her throat and attempted a southern accent. "So
am I, Bruce. Don't you ever try to fuck one of those girls. Their
vaginal grips can cave in lead pipes."
"I sure wouldn't...Ruthie Lee. Now who tied you up like this,
all bare-buck naked...like you're waitin' for the Worm?"
"I did. And I am waitin.' Just how long do I have to wait,
Brucie? Send that old worm on in."
"That I will." Ree extended its tongue, which was the size of
a giraffe's, and began licking Leia's clitoris. R2 wheeled in for
a close up.
"Oh, Bruce, you wave that old tongue like a maestro's baton.
Like you're conductin' a big old symphony in my little girl guts."
With her face safely off camera, Leia made a gagging expression.
He stopped for a moment. "And, uh...this is just the first
movement." He pulled out a jar of honey, and began dribbling it
over his central eye stalk. When it was fully lubricated, he
closed his eyelid and slowly pushed the stalk into Leia's vagina.
She gritted her teeth in disgust. "Why, Bruce...What are you
lookin' for?"
Ree began his rhythm, thrusting the eye stalk in and out,
while the other two eyes stared at Leia. "Little critters like to
keep house in places like this. Man can't be too careful."
"Aw, shucks now." Leia began to feel nauseated, looking at
the black eyes staring at her. She fumbled with her lines. "But
what...what if my daddy comes in?"
"Well...I suppose I'd fuck him too."
"Oh, Bruce...That's so...romantic."
As Ree's movements quickened, Leia realized that she couldn't
take it anymore. This was the worst dialogue she'd ever had to
recite in a hard-core pornographic film. With a grunt of exertion,
she scissored her legs around Ree-Yee's neck, pulling his stalk
free of her vulva.
He blinked his dripping eye repeatedly, in pain. "Hey...I
lost my contact in there...And this isn't in the script."
Leia glowered coldly. "Rewrite." With that, she twisted her
legs violently with all her strength. Ree's head was wrenched
around at an extremely uncomfortable-looking angle. His neck
snapped audibly, and his tongue flopped out onto Leia's pubic hair
as his whole body went limp. Leia relaxed her legs, and he slipped
off the bed.
Jabba started screaming, dumbfounded, his red eyes bulging.
"What...what in the name of the motherfucking maker are you
doing?!"
"Sorry Jabba," Leia replied, "I just wasn't happy with that
scene. But I think it turned out better this way. The role needs
a little unpredictability."
Jabba had his dais wheeled over to the bed. "Look, we've been
over this shit before in rehearsal. Ruthie's self-concept isn't
complete without a man to protect her! That's why she got mixed up
with the lesbian bikers in the first fucking place! So Bruce would
rescue her with his hangglider and...Goddamnit, I thought we'd
thrashed out the psychodynamics of this already."
"Look, my contract gives me a little rewrite latitude. A week
of rehearsal wasn't enough. I told you it wouldn't be." Leia
shook her head.
"Don't fucking patronize me. I've directed more blowjobs than
you've...given."
"I can't work under these conditions. I want a complete
rewrite."
"Rewrite!? Rewrite!?" Jabba reached into his frog bowl, took
one out, and began agitatedly pulling its limbs off one by one.
"Fine! I'll give you your fuckin' rewrite." Jabba took the
restraining bolt control in his hand, and turned it on. Leia was
immediately immobilized, trembling in pain.
Jabba picked up his megaphone and addressed the crew.
"Attention, assholes! The lead actress thinks my script sucks
balls, so I'm gonna rewrite it. 'Blue Harvest' is no longer a
porno movie. It's a snuff movie. It's gonna star Miss Sugar Walls
over here, her wookiee pal, and the naked guy with the dick. Get
my Sail Barge ready! We're gonna do some location shooting!"
The crew lurched into life, gathering up equipment. Jabba
smiled cruelly at Leia, swallowing the last of the frog. "And its
got a new title: 'Faster Sarlacc! Digest! Digest!'"
*********
Leia, Chewie, and Biggs stood in the dressing room of Jabba's
Sail Barge, fidgeting with their manacles while a team of jawas
worked on their makeup. Leia was dressed in a white gown, and her
hair was done up in two absurd buns which clung to the sides of her
head like earmuffs. Biggs was outfitted in a Jedi's robe. Outside
the window, the peaceful suburbs of Dantooine slipped by.
Bo Shuda was going over the scene to be shot, pointing to a
video terminal, on which some crude animatic storyboards were
playing out. Tiny action figures of Leia, Biggs, and Chewie,
animated with stop motion, were being forced to walk the plank of
a small skiff. The skiff hovered over a normal suburban street.
Under the plank, some forty feet below, was a large open manhole.
Tentacles emerged from the manhole, periodically testing the air.
Biggs blinked at the screen. "Let me get this straight.
That's the pit of what? Tangpoon?"
"Carkoon," replied Bo. "Resting place of the all-powerful
Sarlacc. In his belly, you will..."
"The what?" Leia interjected.
"The Sarlacc."
"What the hell is that?" Leia blinked repeatedly as one of
the jawas applied her mascara.
Bo sighed. "It's a...a monster, alright?"
Biggs piped up. "What kind of monster?"
"I don't know, it's just...Nobody knows much about it, but it
lives underground. In the middle of the suburbs. Its mouth is
right under that manhole. People in the neighborhood call it the
Sarlacc, I don't know why. Probably something the local kids
started."
"And its mouth is there all the time?" Leia asked.
"It doesn't get around much. Anyway, in his belly..."
Biggs jumped in again. "You mean it just sits there waiting
for food to fall in? Or does somebody feed it?"
Bo shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe somebody does. But
that's really not the point..."
"Wait a second," Leia said. "If it just sits on its ass in
the sewer, and people have to feed it, how can it be all-powerful?"
"Look, it's just a fucking name, okay? You know kids, they
like to build stuff up. What are they supposed to call it? 'The
pussy-assed Sarlacc?'"
Leia shook one of the jawas off her leg. "Sounds pretty
stupid to me. So are we the meal of the day?"
"Yes. And as I was saying, in his belly, you will find a new
definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a
thousand years."
Leia laughed. "Okay, whatever."
Bo stopped the animatics and approached her. "This is no
laughing matter, woman. Did you hear what I said? You're going to
be slowly digested over a period of a thousand years. A thousand.
That's a one with three zeros after it. That's a long time to be
digested. I imagine it'll be pretty unpleasant."
"Bullshit," Biggs shook his head. "How does everybody know it
takes a thousand years? Does it take a shit every thousand years?"
Bo clenched his teeth, exasperated. "Look...I don't know, I'm
not its mother, okay? Now can we get this blocking over with?
We'll be on location in 15 minutes."
"Where is this Sarlacc?" Leia asked.
"It's uh..." Bo looked at the back of his hand, where he had
scribbled the address from the brochure. "It's at 22A Runcorn
Avenue. We've had the street cordoned off, but there'll be a lot
of spectators anyway. The kids are off school today."
Biggs was still puzzled. "Hold on, Bo. Let's get back to
this thousand year thing."
Bo leaned back against the video monitor. "Oh, Christ."
"I mean, my life expectancy is about 80 years. Even if its
like a grand hotel in there, the longest I'd survive would only be
another 50 years from now. Then I'd die of old age. But it would
probably be less than that if I'm being digested. Now, do you die
immediately after you fall in, and it just takes a thousand years
to digest your body, or are you supposed to actually be conscious
and alive for that entire time?"
"I don't know. Conscious, I guess."
"That's what I figured. Hence the 'new definition of
suffering' part. I mean, it wouldn't really be a new definition if
it only lasted a minute or so. And if the pain was too intense,
you'd just black out."
"Look, motherfucker, I didn't write the line! It's in the
brochure."
Biggs continued. "So, we're agreed that in order to
understand the 'new definition,' you'd have to be conscious, alive,
and suffering in that thing's stomach for 1000 straight years.
That's regardless of your age, health, stamina, species, whatever.
So am I to assume that this thing actually prolongs your life
expectancy by about 920 years while it kills you?"
"I don't know," Bo snorted, getting up. "And I don't give a
fuck if it's five minutes, or five million fuckin' eons. The
upshot is, you're all gonna be thrown in, so you'll learn
firsthand. Send me a goddamn postcard."
Leia laughed. "Does mail go out from the Sarlacc every
thousand years? Or is it privatized?"
Bo grabbed Leia by the hair. "Laugh all you want, Organa.
You're about to become a fee lunch. And with that restraining
bolt, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Jabba wants
this scene to turn out right, and when he wants something, he can
make Preminger look like Barney the Dinosaur."
*********
Bo walked into the cocktail lounge, where Jabba's dais was set
up in front of a large picture window. Near the dais was a wet
bar, at which Salacious Crumb was sitting, pouring himself a drink.
He was still wearing Leia's Boushh outfit. Jabba, looking through
the window, watched kids on bicycles and skateboards whizzing up
and down the street. He noticed Bo come in.
"Are we there yet?"
"No, master. Runcorn avenue is uptown a little ways."
"Runcorn? It's not on Runcorn. It's on Wimpole Street.
27A."
"Are you sure, sir? The brochure said..."
"Fuck the brochure. I grew up on these streets, I think I
know where the Pit of Carkoon is, thank you. 27A Wimpole is where
we're headed. There's nothing on Runcorn but a bunch of mobile
homes and titty-bars." Jabba gazed out the window, reminiscing.
"Yeah, Bo. I remember running up and down these streets when I was
a kid."
"Running, master?"
"Well, rolling. I used to take home movies of my mom and dad.
One time I caught 'em screwing. Recorded the whole thing. That
day changed my life. I knew right then I wanted to be a
pornographic film director. That I wanted to share this feeling
with as many people as I could...and get stinking fucking rich off
it." Jabba twisted the rings on his fingers, one by one.
"Was that the same day you killed your parents, master?"
"No, that was later, when they wouldn't put up the money for
film school. Cheap motherfuckers." Jabba looked over at Han, who
was dozing on the edge of the dais, still wearing the slave girl
outfit. Jabba whacked him smartly in the face with the end of his
tail. "Yo! Solo. Look sharp."
Han rubbed nose. "Fuck you, Jabba."
"Such a temper. You were never cut out for smuggling, Solo.
You should have been a jawa, floating around screwing farmers on
second-hand droid deals."
"I'd rather die than hang out with them. They come into our
neighborhoods in their sandcrawlers, they buy everything, never
give back a fucking thing. They look at you funny when you go in
their stores..."
Jabba whacked him again. "You're just pissed 'cos they're
motivated, and they know how to succeed. No Corellian ever
amounted to jack shit. You just sit around boozing and fucking
like ewoks."
"Watch it, Jabba. I've got limits."
"Oh yeah? Well I've got leverage." Jabba thought for a
moment. "Now I want you to stick your face in my ass."
Han blinked. "What the hell for?"
"No reason," Jabba grinned cruelly. Salacious Crumb laughed
uproariously from the wet bar as he rolled a cigarette.
*********
Leia, Chewie, and Biggs held onto the rail as the skiff they
were riding came to a stop over a manhole at 27A Wimpole Street.
The street had been cordoned off, and a throng of suburbanites were
watching the shoot from their frontyards.
Jabba, still inside the Sail Barge, watched the action from a
video monitor. Bo stood next to him.
"Master, are you sure this is the right address?"
"There's the pit, fuckface. It's a little smaller than I
remember it, but everything seems bigger when you're a kid. Now
shut up and manage the floor."
Bo ascended a stairway and came out on the deck of the barge.
R2D2 was mounted on a crane, taking majestic test shots of the
scene, swooping up and down. Boba Fett stood by the rail.
"Hey, Bo."
"What?"
"Whatever happened to that guy Boushh?"
"It was just that chick in disguise."
"Goddamnit, why is everyone lying to me? I know he's around
here somewhere. I sure did like that guy."
Bo ignored him. He cleared his throat and addressed the crew.
"Okay, people, we're losing light here. Get yourself in position."
On the skiff, the Weequay brothers, Bill and Bob, prodded Leia
and Biggs onto the plank. Biggs wobbled, trying to maintain his
balance. "Man, this production is out of control. Overbudget,
behind schedule, no script, and now we're gonna die."
Leia nudged him. "Be cool. Just stick close to Chewie and
Lando. I've taken care of everything."
"Oh, great. I might as well go to sleep, then. Who did you
say to stick close to?"
"The wookiee and Lando."
Biggs turned around, looking at the crew of the skiff. "Hey,
which one of you is Lando?"
Lando, holding the sound boom, replied. "Whattya want?"
"I've gotta stick close to you."
"Stick close to whatever you want, muthafucka, this is between
y'all."
Bo yelled from the Barge. "Victims of the almighty Sarlacc,
the maestro hopes that you will perform...honorably. But should
any of you wish to beg for a last minute rewrite, the great
director will now hear your plea."
Leia laughed. "Bo, you tell that slimy, fat-assed lump of
peanutty shit, he'll get no such pleasure from us." She turned to
Biggs and Chewie. "Right?"
Biggs yelled back to Bo. "Actually, I do have a few problems
with this scene..."
Leia cut him off. "Jabba, this is your last chance. Free us
from our contracts, or die."
Jabba laughed and spoke into a mike which was connected to the
Barge's loudspeakers. "Action!"
The Weequay's pushed Leia and Biggs out to the edge of the
plank as R2 swooped in for a dramatic close up. Biggs looked down
at the manhole below. It was completely dark. The only indication
of any life was a horrendous stench which emanated from it.
"Christ, I wish somebody'd brought a bucket of mouthwash for
this thing. Uh, Leia, what's my line?"
"We don't have any lines. This is an action scene."
"I thought it was a death scene."
"Well don't worry, it's gonna be an action scene in a minute."
Jabba, watching through the monitor, suddenly became
impatient. "Come on, hit your marks!" He pressed the restraining
bolt activator.
A blast of pain shot through Leia's vagina. She slipped to
her knees, nearly falling off the plank.
"What is it?" Biggs asked. "Cramps?"
"No, fuckhead," she responded through clenched teeth.
"Restraining bolt." She groaned loudly. "Shit...this makes
Norplant look like XTC!"
"So does this fuck up our plan? Should I have brought a
thousand years worth of books to read?"
"No...Just flick off the camera robot."
"What?"
"Just do it!"
Biggs looked up at R2, shrugged, and gave him the bird. "Uh,
fuck you, I guess."
A hatch on R2's head opened, and a small metal tube sprang out
of it. Biggs caught it. "What the hell is this?"
Leia lay down on the plank, threw her skirt up, and spread her
legs. "You've got to get the restraining bolt out. Stick it up
my cunt. Push real hard, until you hear a crunch, then press the
button."
Biggs grimaced. "That sounds pretty gross."
"No time to discuss this in committee!"
Biggs knelt down, and pushed the tube as far into Leia as he
could. She howled in pain.
The Weequay brothers looked over Biggs' shoulder. "What's he
doing?" said Bob.
"I don't know," replied Bill.
"Should we stop them or something?"
"Nah. I'm sure it's nothing bad."
On the Barge, Jabba was confused. "What the hell's going on?"
Han glanced at the monitor. "Looks like an improv."
"Goddamnit, I said no improvs!"
"Looks like he's giving it to her with a dildo. I like it,
actually. Adds a tragic touch to the scene."
Jabba looked at him sideways. "How do you mean?"
"You know, a Wagnerian love-death thing. The lovers have one
last game of hide and seek in the bush before they're cast into the
pit of whatever. It's classic stuff."
"I thought that was your girl?"
"Mine? Sheeiitt. I mean, she's cute and everything, but
she's a little psycho."
Back on the skiff, Biggs heard a muffled crunch. He pressed
the button, and heard a mechanical whirring.
Leia's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "PULL IT OUT!!"
Biggs yanked the device back out. The bloody restraining bolt
was held fast by three tiny metallic claws. "Whew. Not a graceful
way to get the job done, but it worked. What's the next part of
the plan?"
Leia rubbed her groin and panted, trying to catch her breath.
"Now...we kill everybody."
"Pretty traditional, but...stick with what works, right?"
Biggs turned to Bill Weequay. "Hey, buddy, can you hold this for
a second?" He handed the restraining bolt extractor to him. Bill
stared at it dumbly. Biggs then wound up, and punched him in the
jaw with all his might, sending him flying off the skiff and
somersaulting into the open manhole.
Leia sprang up, kicked Bob Weequay in the groin, and shoved
him off the skiff as well. He disappeared after his brother. R2
lowered his crane quickly, getting a beautifully fluid shot of the
fall.
On the deck of the Barge, Bo looked on in amazement.
"What...what the fuck are they doing? This isn't in the script!"
Boba flipped a switch on his jetpack. "Maybe one of them
knows where Boushh is." With a blast of exhaust, he launched
himself toward the skiff.
In the cocktail lounge, Jabba was twitching in rage. "Cut!!
Cut!!"
Han walked over to the wet bar and began making himself a
seven and seven. "Don't sweat it, Jabba. It's great footage."
"No more amateur opinions! I'm the fucking director! I'm the
leading fucking director in erotic cinema today! My films have
grossed 53 trillion credits galaxy-wide! Do they think I'm some
hack jerking off in front of a camcorder!?"
"I'm tellin' you, Jabba, this'll be your biggest hit. Go with
it."
Jabba sneered at him. "Oh, what the fuck do you know? You're
a captured smuggler who bums change for lap dancing from drooling
things that half the time don't even have laps. You've never
directed a film. Shit, you couldn't direct traffic on an empty
road!"
"Look, Jabba, it's just my opinion." Han noticed that
Salacious was playing with a small circular object, rolling it
around on the bar. He pushed Salacious aside and picked it up,
examining it.
"From now on, Solo, if I want your opinion...no, fuck it, I'll
never want it. From now on don't speak unless I say. Now get over
here and give me a massage. My neck is tied up in knots."
Han flipped a small switch on the circular object, and it
began to blink. Then, realizing what it was, he pocketed it and
walked over to Jabba.
He put on his most disarming grin. "Sure, Jabba. But
wouldn't you rather play 'Where's froggy?' instead?"
Jabba thought for a moment. "What the hell. My boys can
handle those improvisers out there. I could use something to take
my mind off things." Jabba batted his eyes at Han. "Um...Where's
froggy?"
"Froggy's coming, Jabba. Froggy's coming."
*********
Boba Fett landed on the skiff with a thud, his weapon drawn.
Biggs had grabbed one of the guards from behind, and held him while
Leia eviscerated him with his own knife.
She glanced at Boba, holding a hand in front of her face to
shield herself from the spraying blood. "We're kind of busy here.
What do you want?"
"I was wondering if any of you seen that guy Boushh? You
know, the Ubese bounty hunter that brought the wookiee?"
Lando, who was sitting calmly at one end of the skiff, piped
up. "I told you, you buck-toothed jackass, that girl is Boushh."
"Shut up!" Boba whipped his pistol around and squeezed off a
shot at Lando. The blast hit him in the shoulder and knocked him
off the skiff. He fell into the manhole screaming, "MUTHAFU...!"
Leia licked blood off her knife and smiled at Boba. "He's
right, asshole. I'm Boushh."
"Bullshit! Tell me where he is or I'll fucking kill all of
you!"
Leia smiled. "Does this sound familiar?" She grabbed her
adam's apple and began vibrating it with her fingers, imitating
Boushh's mechanized voice. "Hi, I'm Boushh. You're my best
friend. I love you. I'm Boushh."
Boba trembled with rage, and switched his blaster to its
highest setting. "No...that's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, asshole. Why would I lie?"
"NO!! NO!!!" Boba aimed his blaster at her head, only to have
his arm grabbed firmly and yanked upward by Chewbacca. The blaster
discharged harmlessly into the air.
Chewie growled in anticipation. "Reeeaaraggah roooaar
roowareeahh." (Oh man, it's been too long since I've done this.)
With a terrifying snarl, Chewie grabbed Fett's shoulder with his
other hand, then yanked his arm out of its socket. Chewie roared
in ecstasy as his hairless body was sprayed crimson. "RAAARAAGH!!
REEAAAROOWW!!" (I AM THE WOOKIEE KING! I CAN DO ANYTHING!)
Boba stumbled away in a daze, gushing blood onto the skiff.
He sat down on one of the guardrails and began talking to himself.
"Alright...alright. Don't panic. Just analyze what you did
wrong."
Chewie laughed, then swung Boba's detached arm like a bat,
striking him in the head. Boba flew off the skiff and into the
Sarlacc. Chewie roared triumphantly, then peeled the shirt off the
severed arm and bit off an enormous chunk of flesh.
Leia laughed at the spectacle. "Just like a wookiee. Always
thinking with his stomach."
*********
Jabba, eyes closed, giggled like a child. "Where's froggy?
Why won't froggy come home?"
Han rubbed a frog around Jabba's left ear. "Is this froggy's
house?"
"Froggy!!"
Han started on Jabba's other ear, then thought better of it.
"Is this...oh, fuck it. Froggy's going straight home."
Jabba rolled over, exposing his anus. "Come home, froggy!"
Han blanched at the sight. "Oh, I can't tell you how little
I'm going to miss this." With that, Han hurled the frog against
the nearest wall, then took the circular device (Boushh's thermal
detonator, in case you weren't paying attention), and jammed it up
Jabba's ass.
Jabba immediately rolled back over, barely giving Han enough
time to get his arm out. "Ah, Bosca! That's not a frog! What's
the game, Solo?"
Han backed up quickly, getting behind the wet bar. "It's a
surprise. Trust me, it'll be so good, you'll think you've died."
"And gone to heaven?"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far."
Jabba's eyes opened wide as he realized his predicament.
"Oh...you sonofabitch! You cooing Corellian cocksucker! I'll
fuckin' squash you!" Jabba began trying to roll himself off the
dais, but his enormous bulk was too much to move. After a few
sweaty attempts, he slumped back, exhausted.
Han shook his head. "I told you to lose weight, Jabba. You
shouldn't have disintegrated that Deal-A-Meal guy when he tried to
put you on TV."
Jabba began crying pitifully. "But...my film..."
"Face it, Jabba. You haven't made a decent softcore since
'The Immortal Mr. Antilles.' You've been coasting. You might as
well go out with a bang. Remember, Pasolini was whacked by a male
prostitute six weeks after he finished 'Salo.'
Jabba smiled meekly. "Ah...Pasolini..."
Han ducked behind the wet bar just in time. With a tremendous
boom, fluid and viscera in every color of the rainbow splattered
the walls. Then the only sound was that of dripping blood and
Salacious Crumb's maniacal laughter. Han got up and surveyed the
scene. Jabba had been dispersed evenly over the entire room.
There was no particular grouping of flesh to indicate where he had
been. Han looked up, and saw Salacious hanging from one of the
rafters.
"Here, boy." Salacious obediently jumped down onto his
shoulder, still cackling. Han abruptly grabbed him by the legs,
swung him around his head twice, and dashed his brains out against
the wet bar. Dropping the twitching body to the floor, he
muttered, "Laugh that up, fuckball."
Han had to sweep several feet of Jabba's intestines away from
the door before he could open it. He walked out into the adjoining
hallway, then made his way up to the deck.
He found Bo Shuda, desperately trying to disengage the safety
on the laser cannon he had trained on the skiff. "Goddamn
thing...Why can't you just point and shoot?"
"Hey, Bo?"
"Don't bother me, Solo. I've got to discipline these actors."
"You've got to point it at the deck before it'll fire." Han
walked over and surreptitiously flipped the safety off. Bo swung
the cannon around until it was aimed at the floor.
"Will it work now?"
"Go ahead and try it."
Bo squeezed the trigger, and there was an enormous explosion
as the beam cut through the bulkheads and struck the main drive
system. Bo blinked. "Uh...was it supposed to do that?"
"Oh yeah." Han patted Bo on the shoulder. "Great shot, kid,
that was one in a million. Now if you'll excuse me." Han walked
over to the rail and whistled to R2. "Yo! I'm ready for my
closeup!"
R2 swung his crane over to the deck, and Han jumped onto it.
"Let's get away from this thing." R2 maneuvered both of them over
to the skiff, where they disembarked. He then swiveled around to
get a shot of the rapidly disintegrating Sail Barge.
Han nodded at Chewie, who grunted a greeting. Leia, still
covered in blood, embraced him. Han stood limply, his arms at his
sides. "Uh, princess. We might want to get out of here."
"What?" She blinked at him, tears welling in her eyes. "Oh,
yeah. Does anybody know how to operate this thing?"
Chewie shrugged. Biggs shook his head.
Han rolled his eyes. "Wonderful. Well maybe there's a manual
in the glove compartment."
They were all in the middle of searching the craft when it was
suddenly rocked by an explosion. It listed badly to one side,
nearly dumping all of them out. "What the fuck?!" Leia exclaimed.
Bo Shuda, his clothing on fire from the explosions on the Sail
Barge, launched another volley of laser bolts at the skiff,
screaming wildly. "FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!! WHEN WE GET TO
HELL, I'LL FUCK YOU UP SOME MORE!!"
The skiff was hit continuously until its stabilizers gave out
and it capsized. Han, Leia, Biggs, Chewie, and R2 were all dumped
into the Sarlacc just as the Sail Barge blossomed into an enormous
fireball...
*********
The first thing Leia was surprised by was the illumination.
There was a light coming from the other end of what appeared to be
a large tube, presumably the creature's throat. The smell of the
place was overpowering and the air was hot and clammy. Footing was
uneasy on the soft pinkish tissue of the creature, and she found
herself repeatedly falling down. She felt Biggs' hand on her
shoulder.
"What's the plan now, Imperious Leader?"
"Fuck off. Can we crawl back out?" She looked up at the
light which came from the manhole above. It was only a tiny shaft
about 20 feet up. It appeared to have gotten smaller since they'd
fallen it. But there was no way to reach it, as the fleshy walls
offered no purchase.
"Screw crawling out. Let's see what that light is down
there." She began moving towards it, with the rest of the gang
following her. Occasionally she had to turn her body sideways to
squeeze between the undulating, slippery walls.
The light came from a larger open space. Leia was astonished
to find a small group of people within, sitting or standing around
a small card table with a lamp on it. A sabbac game was taking
place.
All the people were there--Bob Weequay, Lando, Boba Fett
(slumped against a wall, still bleeding to death), and the other
guards that had fallen in during the battle. They were huddled
around the table, watching the game, which was being played by a
group of men and humanoids who appeared to be several centuries
old.
Leia heard a pained grunting. In one corner, Bill Weequay,
the first to fall in, was being sodomized by a grey-haired
Snaggletooth who had obviously been inside the Sarlacc for far too
long.
One of the men at the table, apparently the dealer, turned and
saw Leia and the others. His myriad wrinkles bunched together as
he squinted at them. "Christ, more? What's going on up there,
Jonestown II? Well, you can watch this game but you can't join in
'til it's over. We should be done in a couple of years." He
resumed playing. The other players ignored them.
Leia stared at the ancient men in disbelief. "Uh...how long
have you all been in here?"
The dealer grunted, not bothering to look up from his cards.
"Does it look like five minutes?"
"No, longer."
"Well, you're right. Honestly, none of us remember how long,
and we're fucking tired of being asked." He motioned to the
Snaggletooth, who was still in the process of raping Bill Weequay.
"Especially John over there. He's been here the longest. He
doesn't even talk anymore."
"What's your name?"
The dealer opened his mouth to reply, then paused. "Uh...I
don't know. Can you beat that?"
Han pushed Leia out of the way. "Where'd the table come
from?"
"It was already here. Funny thing, that. And the chairs.
Somebody must've dumped them in. The Sarlacc isn't too
discriminating."
Biggs broke into the conversation. "What do you guys live
on?"
The dealer looked up at him. "Well, we...that's weird, I
hadn't thought about it. I guess you don't have to eat down here.
Something about the atmosphere. Hell, you could probably survive
in here...a thousand years or more."
Biggs pressed on. "Are you in any pain?"
"You sure do ask a lot of questions. Just relax."
"Please, it's important. Are you in pain?"
"How do you mean?"
"I mean, do you feel as if you're being...digested, or
something like that?"
The dealer laughed, and was joined by the other players.
"What the fuck are you talking about? Look, boy, you'll never get
out of here, so just get used to it. And it's really not that bad.
It's nice and warm, you never get hungry or thirsty, you live for
a long time, and every so often somebody new falls in. You don't
have to sweat it out in some shit-ass day job, or hump across the
galaxy from planet to planet, worrying about getting blasted by
Imperial slugs. I mean, what's so great about living on the
outside?"
"At least you're free on the outside."
This was greeted by another chorus of guffaws. "Flush out
your headgear, new guy," the dealer croaked. "Freedom is the
biggest crock of shit in the history of the universe. I suppose
you still believe in the Tooth Fairy, and Santa Claus, and that
girls are attracted to a guy with a sense of humor."
"Well, they are, aren't they?"
Leia stifled a laugh.
"Look, kids," said the dealer. "We're in the middle of a game
here. Just sit down and shut up."
Chewie growled in frustration and struck one of the walls,
sending ripples through the entire chamber. Han looked at Leia.
"Well, your worship. Any ideas?"
"Well, I guess we could...sing a song or something."
"This isn't a field trip, sister."
"I know, I know." Leia scratched one of her breasts and
sighed. "There must be some way out. Has anybody got a blaster?"
Chewie held up Boba's half-eaten arm, which still held a
blaster. He pried the weapon loose and tossed it to Leia. She
aimed it at the nearest wall and fired. The bolt began ricocheting
all over the room, forcing everyone to duck for cover.
"You stupid bitch!" the dealer cried. "It's magnetically..."
His sentence was cut short as the bolt slammed into his chest,
killing him outright.
"Great," sighed Biggs. "Now nobody'll talk to us. Thanks a
lot for all your plans, Leia. Why didn't you just leave me frozen,
you dumb bitch?"
Chewie and Han joined in the chorus of disapproval, along with
the others in the room. Leia stood silently, tears welling in her
eyes.
"I was...only trying to help."
Han grunted bitterly. "We don't need your help. Right guys?"
The men voiced their agreement.
"Fine," Leia said, drying her eyes. "None of you limp dicks
could make a decision anyway. Well I've led you this far and I'm
not going to stop now. Fuck it. Why not go all the way?" She
aimed her blaster at the ceiling, then began firing as quickly as
she could. Everyone ducked for cover again as laser bolts began to
criss-cross the room.
Leia kept firing until she heard some kind of rumbling within
the belly of the beast. "What the hell is that?"
Han looked up from the floor. "What?"
"That sound." Leia noticed that the room now appeared to be
shrinking. The walls were rapidly moving closer to each other.
Solo noticed the shrinking. "Oh, shit."
Leia began barking orders. "Don't just stand there, try and
brace it with something!"
"Like what?"
"I don't know!"
"A second ago you wanted us all to die."
"I'm a fickle minded bitch, alright! And I think I may have
found a way out!"
Solo laughed despairingly. "Wonderful. Women's intuition.
Look, sister, one thing's for sure, we're all gonna be a lot
thinner. Why not accept it? This thing's throat is collapsing."
"This is no throat!"
*********
As Leia regained consciousness, she became aware of warmth on
her face. Light from Dantooine's famous quadruple sunset was
streaming down on her. Then Han's face filled her field of vision,
blocking the light. His entire body was covered with some sort of
brownish substance, and he smelled godawful.
"Well, your Highnessness. How was your beauty sleep?"
Leia sat up slowly and looked around. They were back outside
the Sarlacc, on top of an enormous pile of what appeared to be
excrement. Slowly, a satisfied grin broke out on her face. "I
knew that wasn't a mouth. The laser blasts must've gotten its guts
going."
Han spat and wiped his mouth. "Well you could have told us
sooner." He picked up a hunk of the Sail Barge's hull and began
using it to scrape ordure off his pants. "I guess somebody got the
address wrong."
"Yeah, the whole production was incompetent. Lucky for us."
Leia looked around. "Where are the others?"
"Buried, I guess. Come on." Han grabbed Leia's arms and
pulled her free of the shit. They carefully made their way off the
enormous mound. When they reached the bottom, they noticed a large
throng of suburbanites approaching tentatively, gaping in
amazement.
Han glared at them. "What the fuck are you lookin' at? Go
on, get out of here, there's nothing to see."
With a mighty roar, Chewbacca burst out of the pile, using
what appeared to be Biggs' lifeless body as a shovel. When he had
extricated himself, he threw the corpse at Leia's feet. "Reaaraarr
rooooraahh rewwoorr." (Well, at least he didn't turn out to be
completely useless.)
Han nudged Biggs with his foot. "Naked, dead, and covered
with shit. Bet his parents had higher hopes for him."
Leia sighed. "Too bad. He was a great fuck."
"Sure, behind the camera. Don't fret, sister. I hear Jabba
was planning on cutting him out of the movie anyway."
A beeping sound caught their attention. R2's tiny periscope
popped out of the pile, and he began working his way out.
"Handy little droid," said Han.
"Yep. I tell you, it's not an easy thing to find a droid you
can bribe." Leia dug into a pocket in her robe and took out a few
credits. A hatch on R2's body opened and a small changepurse
emerged. Leia dropped the coins in.
Lando, who had somehow remained almost completely clean,
suddenly walked out from behind the mound. He smiled. "Man, you
guys need to take better care of yourselves."
Han growled. "Get out of here, Lando."
"Hey, man, I'm just happy you're alive."
Leia walked up to Lando and slapped him. "Oww!" he exclaimed.
"Bitch, you better step off with that shit!"
"You didn't do anything! We were relying on you."
"I told you, bitch, I wasn't down with your plans. I do what
I do to get mine. You do the same. But now we're in a position to
help each other out. How about..." Lando was cut short by Chewie,
who grabbed him by the throat and started choking him. Lando sank
to his knees, gasping desperately for air.
"We don't need your help," Leia sniffed.
Han put his arm around Leia and led her away. "Come on,
sister, let's let Chewie have his fun." Walking down the street,
they made their way over to one of the resident's yards, where a
lawn sprinkler was set up. Han took off his slave girl uniform,
and Leia followed suit. They stood in the spray, washing
themselves off.
Leia looked up at the four setting suns. "How can life
survive on a planet with this many suns?"
Han shrugged. "They must be pretty shitty suns." He blinked
at them, suddenly getting a far away look in his eyes. "Too bad
Luke isn't here."
Leia gasped. "That sonofabitch? When he took over Cloud City
he sold you to Boba Fett just to spite me. Then he flew off to
join some weird cult. He doesn't give a damn about either of us."
"I thought you liked him?"
Leia laughed. "Oh, Christ, it's not like that at all. He's
my brother. Fuck him."
Han rubbed his chin. "I guess you're right. I suppose as
soon as we're off this planet we should...hunt him down and kill
him or something."
"Suits me. We should cut his balls off and feed 'em to him."
Han pinched Leia's cheek playfully. "I think we've had enough
female advice for one day. Anyhow, thanks for rescuing me. I
guess I owe you one, your worship."
"Would you please stop calling me that?"
"What would you like me to call you?"
Leia thought for a moment. "How about...'Exalted Empress of
the Universe'?"
"How about just 'Leia'?"
Leia smiled, running her fingers through her wet hair. "I
guess 'Your Worship' is fine." They embraced each other, kissing
passionately as the quadruple sunset created tiny rainbows in the
sprinkler, and Lando's death rattle floated over the evening air.
--------------------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 7: HEART OF GUNDARKNESS
or REBELS WITHOUT A CAUSE
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1995)
Luke Skywalker, still in the stasis chamber of his Imperial
Shuttle, slowly became cognizant of certain noises being made
outside. He had been dreaming of spice blows and Bantha tipping on
his long-vaporized home planet of Tatooine. Without opening his
eyes, he belched and rolled over, trying to ignore the sounds and
slip back into his pleasant REM state.
He heard mostly snatches of conversation. "...alive? There
goes our salvage...Not a bad-looking...see the season finale?
Yeah, that...time ago, in a galaxy...actually this is episode 4..."
Luke was awakened once and for all when the transparent hatch
of his chamber was abruptly yanked open. Twitching in the freezing
air, he blinked up at the offending parties.
"There better be a great fuckin' explanation for this."
Three men stood above him, each wearing pressure suits in the
cold of the darkened shuttle cabin. One pulled off his gloves and
spoke. "You were adrift, Mr. Skywalker. We're picking you up."
"How the hell do you know who I am?"
"We've been looking for you for a while."
"How long have I been out?" Luke adjusted his nightgown to
more demurely cover his lingering hypnopompic hard-on.
"57 weeks, sir."
"Are you assholes with the network?"
The man laughed. "Yeah. You fuckin' wish." With that, he
produced a small rectangular device with a tiny gleaming metallic
prod on the end. He shoved it violently into Luke's left ear, and
pressed a button. A buzzing sound ensued, and Luke was overcome
with a pain so intense I'm not even going to bother trying to
describe it.
*********
Luke awoke to find himself in complete darkness. He probed
around in the void, attempting to determine his surroundings. He
appeared to be sealed in some sort of cargo hold. He began banging
on the walls, yelling.
"Hey! What is this happy horseshit?! I'm a jedi! Didn't you
see my card?"
In response, he heard a familiar laugh echoing from above. He
could immediately visualize the endearing, lopsided grin of the
cachinnator.
"I know that laugh. Han, old buddy! What's going on? Lemme
out of here!"
"'Fraid not, kid. You know, I usually use these compartments
for smuggling. Never thought I'd smuggle a traitorous fuckin'
asshole in them."
"I'm on the Falcon?"
"That's right, kid. We had our boys out searching for you for
weeks. They found you and brought you on board."
"Come on, Han. Whatever you're pissed off about, it was a
long time ago. Somebody put you up to this. It was Leia, wasn't
it? You're not still fucking her, are you?"
Han's voice quieted down a bit. "Leave her out of this."
Luke smirked in the dark. "Oh, yeah. Somebody's whipped."
"I'm not whipped."
Luke imitated a whip sound. "Oh, yeah. She's crackin' it
over your ass, but good, boy. She lettin' you sleep in the big
house?"
"Maintaining a healthy love relationship ain't like dusting
crops, boy."
Luke laughed. "Where'd you read that, 'Woman's World'? In a
healthy relationship, you've got your hands on your own stick, you
control your destiny, you dump your load in the field every so
often and then fly the fuck outta there. It's precisely like crop-
dusting. Man, you're whipped so bad you can't even think through
your analogies. Isn't that right, Han? Han?"
Luke realized that Han had already left just as the ship
lurched into hyperspace. He sighed, propped himself up against one
of the compartment walls, and began doing what any normal man would
do in the same situation.
*********
In the main hangar of the Rebel base on Hoth, Han Solo eased
the Falcon into a tight parking spot between a Rebel Transport and
a Y-Wing, doing only minimal damage to both. When the ship had
come to a complete stop, he leaned back in his command chair and
pulled off his gloves, grinning.
"Ooh, yeah. Sometimes I amaze even myself."
Chewie, sitting in the co-pilots chair, grunted sarcastically.
"Raauughh rreaarooww." (Wow, I'm so impressed. Can I hold your
dick?)
Han strode into the aft of the ship. When he reached the
section of floor which held his smuggling compartments, he pulled
a crowbar from an adjacent tool closet and began prying at the
bulkheads. Chewie watched over his shoulder.
Han grunted as he pushed on the bar. "Damn, these are on
tight. I hope he's alive. Leia didn't want her prize damaged."
Chewie guffawed. "Raarragga reeuuughar." (I wonder what he's
been doing for the past three and a half weeks.)
When Han finally pulled the lid loose, the most godawful
stench he had ever come across in all his years of galactic travel
surged out of the dank hole and hit him like a sledge hammer.
"Holy Fuckamole!" He stumbled back, coughing. Chewie pressed
a paw against his nose, growling in protest.
Han tied a handkerchief over his face and fiddled with a
flashlight he had attached to his belt. "Guess I should have
opened this thing at some point. But I figured, if you don't feed
him, how much can he shit?" He finally flipped the flashlight on,
and its tiny beam pierced the darkness of the berth.
Luke, emaciated and nude, scuttled like a cockroach into one
corner, trying to avoid the light. The entire floor of the cabin
was covered with several sedimentary layers of semen, urine, feces,
and other types of effluent as-yet-unknown to science.
Han whistled. "How ya feelin' kid? You don't look so bad to
me. In fact you look strong enough to..."
Luke blinked up at him in rage, trying to remember how to form
words. "Pu...pull the...ears off a...gundark?"
Han smirked behind his hankie. "I was gonna say hose out this
berth. You left a hell of a mess. Where's your nightgown?"
"Ate...it."
"Yummy. Well, you better have something to wear. Hoth can
get a bit cold." Han pulled a small apron and garden hose from the
tool closet. "Alright, kid, time to get to work. Now I'm gonna
put this little apron on you..."
When he reached down with the apron, Luke snarled viciously
like an animal. Han started back and handed the apron to Chewie.
"Okay, Chewie, you put the apron on him."
Chewie barked. "Reeeuuugarah." (Part the hair on my ass and
lick my perennial divide.) He dropped the apron and lumbered away.
Han threw the hose down into the hole. "Fuck the apron. No
sense in being modest now. Clean yourself while you're at it. The
Emperor wants to meet you."
Luke coughed. "He's...dead."
"Not, that Emperor, dickhead. General Riekaan. Newly
proclaimed Emperor of the Rebellion. He is your master now."
*********
A triumphal march accompanied Han, Chewie, and Luke (in
chains, and still naked) as they entered the Great Reception Hall.
It was an enormous ice chamber with a ceiling 150 feet up.
Thousands of Rebel Troops were lined up along the thoroughfare,
applauding. Luke blinked at them. He had seen pictures of Rebels
before, but he didn't remember their uniforms being like this.
Most of the soldiers were nearly nude, wearing only loin cloths and
war paint. Severed ears, fingers, and genitals hung from the
barrels of their blasters.
Luke muttered to himself. "I have a...bad feeling..."
Han turned on his heel and kneed Luke in the groin, felling
him. The crowd cheered. "No talking, kid. Just listen to the
music. Emperor Riekaan had it written specially for today."
Chewie picked up Luke's chain and began dragging him along.
Luke writhed in pain, his skin being rubbed raw by the icy
floor. He rolled onto his back. "Are these...Rebels?"
Han laughed. "Some people call them that. But these are all
really his children, man. Now shut up."
Luke managed to pull himself to his feet. As they reached the
end of the chamber, he saw that they were approaching a raised dais
with an ice throne in the center. A rather fat, completely bald
man was slumped on the throne. A young girl was kneeling in front
of him, giving the man a languid handjob. His pink penis stood up
through the crotch of his baggy black pants.
Luke suddenly stumbled over something in his path. As he
looked back at it, he saw that it was a severed human head. In
fact, heads were scattered everywhere.
Han noticed Luke's shock. "The heads. You're lookin' at the
heads, right kid? Pretty rough, huh?"
The fat man looked up with heavy-lidded eyes at Luke. The
girl who was giving him a handjob turned--revealing herself to be
none other than Leia. The man waved her brusquely away. To Luke's
astonishment, his usually ultra-bitchy sister acquiesced without a
word, pausing only to smirk triumphantly at her pathetic-looking
brother. Taking a couple of golden medallions from an ornate
chest, she gently hung them around Han and Chewie's necks,
delighting the assembly. Han winked and wagged his tongue at Leia,
who beamed back at him.
Emperor Riekaan raised one hand slightly, bringing the crowd
to a dead silence. He resumed Leia's handjob duties himself,
slowly stroking his prick. He leered at Luke and spoke in a deep,
resonant voice. "Where are you from, Skywalker?"
Han kicked Luke to his knees in front of Riekaan. Luke
grimaced in pain and answered. "Tatooine, sir."
Riekaan rubbed his bald pate. "How far are you from the
river?"
"There's a river on Tatooine?"
"Uh huh."
"Well we were either pretty far away, or my uncle was in the
wrong business."
Riekaan looked up at Luke, focusing his eyes carefully. "Are
you an assassin?"
"I'm a jedi."
"You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks
to collect a bill."
"Well, technically I never finished the jedi course, but man,
I haven't worked in collection in years."
"Silence!!" With one last stroke of his cock, a small spring
of semen bubbled up from between Riekaan's thumb and forefinger.
He examined it morosely. "I...I...Baby made a mess." The crowd
immediately burst into rabid applause and whistles.
Leia approached with a tissue and began wiping the come away.
She petted Riekaan's head lovingly. "It's okay, Baby. Mommy will
clean it up. Yes she will." She snapped her fingers and a group
of naked male adolescent attendants emerged from the right side of
the hall. With some difficulty, they hoisted Riekaan's throne onto
their shoulders and carried it away.
Luke shook his head, watching the entourage leave. "Man, if
this bunch of fuckheads gives the galaxy a 'new hope', I'd hate to
see what gets it really bummed."
*********
Luke floated calmly, immersed in the viscous red healing fluid
commonly known as 'bacta.' His tank stood in the completely
automated Hoth medical center. Sucking air slowly from his
breathing apparatus, he had nearly forgotten about the rather dire
predicament he was in. If they were trying to heal him, it could
only be for the purpose of allowing him to endure the further
torture and humiliation they had in store. But all those thoughts
evaporated in the glutinous womb of the bacta tank. At least until
his sister's distorted face abruptly materialized outside the
glass, jolting him back to reality. She banged on the tank.
"Hey, bro. Good stuff, huh?" She ascended a small stepladder
next to the tank, opened a hatch in the top, and dipped her finger
into the bacta. She put the finger in her mouth, tasting it.
"Mmm...It's okay, but it needs something." She sat casually on the
stepladder, beating a lazy rhythm on the tank with her fingers.
Luke glared at her, but was unable to speak with the breathing
apparatus stuck in his mouth. He reached into the recesses of his
mind, trying to dredge up some of his jedi telepathic training and
project his thoughts into Leia's mind.
HEY, SIS.
Leia appeared not to have registered it. "You know the man
really likes you? He does. He has something in mind for you
Aren't you curious about that? I'm curious."
CAN YOU HEAR ME, BITCH? COME IN, BITCH.
"Hey, Luke, I know something that you don't know."
THAT YOU HAD YOUR TONGUE SURGICALLY EXTENDED? THE WHOLE
QUADRANT KNOWS THAT.
Leia got a faraway look in her eyes. "The Emperor is clear in
his mind, but his soul is mad. He's dying, I think."
I AM OVERCOME WITH GRIEF. MY ASSHOLE BLEEDS CRIMSON TEARS.
"The man reads poetry out loud, you know?"
HEY, I KNOW SOME POETRY. 'THE GIRL IN DOCKING BAY FOUR...'
"In a voice...a voice. He likes you 'cause you're still
alive."
'IS THE GREATEST OF BRIGIAN WHORES...'
"No, no. I'm not gonna help you. You're gonna help him."
'FOR 200 CREDITS...'
"I mean, what are they gonna say about him when he's gone,
man? When it dies, he dies. What are they gonna say about him?
He was a kind man? He was a wise man?"
'SHE'LL LET YOU IMBED IT...'
"He had plans, he had wisdom..."
'TIL SHE'S LEAKING YOUR GOO FROM HER PORES.'
"Bullshit, man! Am I gonna be the one who's gonna set
everybody straight?" She squeezed her breasts in frustration.
"Look at me--wrong!" She leaned close to the tank and pointed at
Luke. "You."
WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU BABBLING ABOUT?
"Oh, nothing important." Leia stood up on top of the
stepladder, over the open hatch in the tank. "You know, I heard it
as 'Sweating your goo from her pores.' But I guess 'leaking' is
alright. And it reminded me what's missing from your cocktail."
She shimmied halfway out of her pants and squatted over the hatch.
Her urethra emitted a golden stream into the red of the tank.
Luke sighed helplessly as the yellow cloud descended over him.
He definitely wouldn't forget this.
*********
After much squirming, Luke was finally able to slip out of his
restraints and float to the top of the tank with his head above the
bacta. He ripped off his breathing tubes and sucked in the stale
air. Just as he accomplished this, three ancient-looking droids
wheeled themselves into the medical bay. They had distinctly
female features, and appeared to have been designed for domestic
maintenance.
Luke wiped the goop from his eyes and blinked at the trio.
"Man, the rebellion must be pretty low on funds. Where'd they dig
up you old fossils?" The droids croaked their responses in
succession.
FIRST DROID: "All hail, Skywalker! Hail to thee, Thane of
Tatooine!"
SECOND DROID: "All hail, Skywalker! Hail to thee, Thane of Endor!"
THIRD DROID: "All hail, Skywalker, that shalt be Emperor
hereafter!"
Luke was somewhat bewildered. "Prophesies, huh? But what's
a Thane?"
FIRST DROID: "Thou shalt be Thane of Endor!"
"Is it like a manager or something?"
ALL THREE: "All hail, Skywalker!"
"What kind of income bracket are we talking about? And shit,
I've never even been to Endor. The Empire wasn't going to colonize
it until they got that Ewok infestation under control. And what do
you mean, I'm gonna be Emperor? Is this a joke? Han, are you back
there somewhere?"
FIRST DROID: "No joke, asshole."
SECOND DROID: "Humor is a difficult concept."
THIRD DROID: "We say sooth. Your future, fuckface."
FIRST DROID: "And we didn't say you deserved it."
SECOND DROID: "Hell, no."
THIRD DROID: "We are incapable of feeling emotion. But if we
could, I'm sure we'd hate your rotten ass."
Luke spat. "Well, I appreciate the sooth. Now why don't you
go back to your scrap heap and let me convalesce?"
ALL THREE: "All hail, Skywalker! All hail, Thane of Endor!"
"Yeah, thanks." Luke waved them away. "Run along, now."
Without another sound, the three droids wheeled out of the bay,
leaving him alone again. He shook his head. "Man, they've got
some weird transistors going in this place. Emperor, huh?" Luke
laughed and let himself slip back down into the bacta.
*********
Two rebel regulars dumped Luke unceremoniously in the tiny
cubicle which masqueraded as his quarters. Riekaan had had him
tortured for several days now, without any apparent goal in mind
other than his complete demoralization, degradation, and
dehydration.
Luke looked up woozily at the soldiers. "They didn't even ask
me any questions. You guys wanna ask me something? Go ahead,
please. Anything. You wanna know how you piss in a stormtrooper
suit? Huh? You wanna know what the 'TIE' in TIE fighter stands
for? It stands for 'Twin Ion..."
His revelation was cut short by a boot to his temple. One of
the guards let a long lunger drizzle down onto Luke's face. "Shut
up, Imperial scum."
Luke rubbed his bloody temple as the guards left. "See you
tomorrow." Slowly, agonizingly, he pulled himself to his feet and
sat on the edge of his tiny bed. The door to his closet was
slightly open in front of him. With some difficulty, he pulled off
his pants, then balled up his soiled underwear and tossed it into
the closet.
"Fuck. Why didn't I stay on Tatooine?" Luke hung his head in
exhaustion, then suddenly noticed the balled-up underwear roll back
out of the closet and come to rest at his feet. "What the fuck?"
He kicked it back in...only to have it roll back out once again.
Luke got up, took out a tiny flashlight, and slowly opened the
closet door wider. He shined his light inside...
...And frightened the wits out of an odd-looking black robot
which was hiding amidst the uniforms. It screamed like a child and
tried to avoid the light. Luke reached in, grabbed the droid by
one of its arms, and yanked it into the light of the room.
Luke's eyes lit up in delight--A tiny Imperial Probe Droid.
He rubbed his hand over the familiar contours of its black plated
surface and cooed into its auditory receiver. "It's okay, little
guy. Ssshhh. Ssshhh. I won't hurt you. You don't know how glad
I am to see a familiar face. Have you sent your signal yet?"
The droid bleeped a timid negative.
"That's okay. This is the rebel base. This is what you've
been looking for. You must've been lonely out here. I know what
that's like, my little probe droid. I think I'll call you PD. Now
think, PD. What do you do when you find the rebel base?"
PD's lights blinked in consternation for a moment, before he
finally squeaked out a discernable English reply.
"PHONE...HOME."
"Good boy, PD." Luke caressed him lovingly. "Good boy."
*********
Leia skipped into Luke's cabin unannounced, with Han dutifully
in tow. Luke was lying in a half-daze, after having returned from
another marathon torture session. Leia found his scrotum under the
bedsheets and twisted it to get his attention. He opened his eyes
a bit wider and laughed softly.
"Go ahead, sis. My definition of pain and suffering has been
completely revised over the last few days. That actually feels
good." He glanced at Han. "I see you brought your whipping boy."
Han folded his arms and growled. "Watch it boy, or you'll
find yourself floating home."
"What?"
"It was out of context, but you know what I mean."
"Look at yourself, Han. Is she really worth all this? All
this pain and humiliation?"
Han shrugged. "I used to have to pay for this pain and
humiliation. Now I get it free."
Luke sighed. "Don't you believe it, old buddy."
Leia cut off the repartee by producing a black leather case
and laying it on Luke's bed. She began looking around the room for
tools. "Don't worry, Han, just ignore him."
"It's okay, your worship. I can handle it."
"Oh, can you?" Luke interjected. "I don't know. I figure I
must have hit pretty close to the mark to get him all riled up like
that, huh sis?"
Leia noticed the closet. "You got any tools in there?"
Luke gulped. "Uh...no, no, no tools. Nothing in there."
"Nothing?"
"Well, nothing you'd be interested in."
"What's in there?"
"Only what you take..."
Han cut him off with a sharp backhand across the mouth. "None
of that jedi bullshit."
Leia pulled the door open and began rummaging behind the
clothing. Against the far wall was a jumble of broken, twisted
equipment. PD was sitting motionless amidst the junk, trying to
blend in. Leia's eyes passed over him without registering a thing.
She pulled out a small toolbox. "Aha. Here's what I need." She
grabbed a pair of hydrospanners, unzipped the leather case, and
began assembling a strange elongated rubbery device.
Luke squinted at it. "What the fuck is that?"
Leia rubbed down the device with an oily rag. "My mother's
strap-on dildo. Steely Dan III from Urdur. An elegant sexual aid,
of a more civilized age." When she had finished putting it
together, she flicked a switch and it began emitting a low hum.
Warm Ebla beer squirted from its tip, spraying the far wall. "Not
as clumsy or random as your bargain-basement tool. I've waited a
long time to do this."
Luke smiled. "Go ahead, shove it up my ass. I won't feel a
thing. You might just as well go down on a woman with an
epidural."
"Oh, I'm not going to use it on you." Leia strapped the
device to her groin, where it bobbed and undulated suggestively.
Luke's face went slack. He gaped at Han, who stared back at
him as he began unbuckling his pants. "What are you lookin' at?
I know what I'm doin'." He bent over the edge of the bed.
Leia smiled malevolently. "Ironic, huh? Before, I was but
the learner. Now, I am the master."
"Only a master of evil, bitch," Luke snarled.
"Oh, take Han's word for it. It may look bad, but it
feeeeeels good. Doesn't it, sweetie?"
"Sure, your worship."
Leia took that as her cue to begin. She slowly forced the
dildo into Han's blushing ass. Soon, his face followed suit.
Sweat began to appear on his brow as he smiled sheepishly at Luke.
"I know what this looks like, kid. It's just goofing around,
really. Keeps her happy."
Luke's voice trembled. "She can't be better than me."
"Silence!" Leia yelled. She pulled a small whip out of her
pocket and began whipping Han with it, her eyes closed in ecstasy.
"So, Luke. We see that there's nothing you can possess which I
cannot take away." The whip cracked loudly in the tiny room.
Han gritted his teeth. "I know what you're gonna say, kid.
But I'm still wearing the pants...I mean, uh...I keep on top
of...umm...Well, she may whip me, but she'll never beat me."
Luke shook his head sadly. "You were my last hope."
"No, no, it's not that bad." Han grimaced as Leia's thrusting
rocked his body back and forth. "I mean, uh, you didn't see us
alone together in the South Passage. She expressed her true..."
He was cut off as Leia wrapped the whip around his neck and yanked
his head back like that of a steer.
Luke looked up at Leia. "I never thought any woman could tame
him."
"I told you you didn't know everything about women yet."
Luke sulked for a moment before he came up with a last retort.
"Yeah, well, I've still got the Force."
Leia laughed, reached down, and gripped her vulva just as
Steely Dan squirted its fermented contents into Han. "Force?
Compared to the power of a single cunt, that crap you channel
doesn't even qualify as a mild pressure."
*********
Luke fell to his knees in front of his bed and vomited the
meager contents of his stomach onto the floor. For a moment he
admired the abstract shape the bile formed as it spread. Today's
session had been particularly draining. He could still feel the
probing fingers of that syphilitic Calamarian in his rectum. His
entire body felt as if it was covered with mynocks. Wiping his
chin, he looked up to see PD peering timidly from the closet.
"Hey, little buddy."
PD slowly glided out of the closet toward Luke. A rather long
hypodermic needle emerged on a small probe. Its tip glowed orange.
"OUCH."
Luke tried to wave him away. "No more penetrations today."
"OUCH." PD inched closer.
"Don't bother, buddy. You'll never find a vein. I wore them
out on Tatooine years ago."
"OUCH." The droid pressed on, aiming the needle.
Finally, Luke gave up and let the droid continue. "Alright,
alright." PD extended a small loop around Luke's upper arm, which
it drew tight. After a few moments, blue veins began to surface in
the pasty whiteness of Luke's skin. PD slipped the needle in and
injected several cc's of greenish fluid.
The pain disappeared immediately. This was no ordinary stim-
shot. It felt more like a combination of t'ill-t'ill and morphine.
Luke's head lolled back, as his bloodstream carried waves of
pleasure up and down his spine. His lips parted slightly, in the
half-smile of a junky on the nod. "Oh, baby..."
An unfamiliar voice came from behind Luke. "Not bad, huh?"
Luke, too happy to even bother turning around, responded.
"Whoever you are, man, I love you."
The owner of the voice walked into Luke's tingling field of
vision. He was a handsome young man in his mid-twenties. "I made
that special modification to the droid myself."
"Will you marry me?"
"I'm Dack. I'm here to rescue you."
Luke beamed at him. "You already have, man. You already
have."
"I found that probot on patrol a week ago. It was wandering
out by the first marker. When I heard you'd been captured, I
figured your quarters would be a good place to hide it. Has it
sent its signal?"
"Oh, yeah. Who are you, man?"
"A friend. I represent a group of rebels who've become
disheartened by the way things have been going. Riekaan is a
lunatic, and we're dedicated to his destruction. The rebellion is
a sick tree and it needs to be torn up by the roots before the true
glory of the Empire can be realized."
"So you're rebelling against the rebellion?"
"Pretty much. Would you like to join us?"
Luke grinned and closed his eyes. "For you, man, anything.
What do I have to do?"
"First, we'd like you to kill Riekaan."
"Cool."
Dack knelt down in front of Luke and held up a small white
object. When Luke focused his eyes on it, it looked like a
grouping of three molars.
"Those are some beautiful teeth, man."
Dack produced a dental extractor and began fiddling with it.
"Inside these artificial teeth is a nano-lightsaber. When you're
in front of Riekaan, just bite down on these teeth and spit it out.
Apply pressure to the nanosaber and it'll ignite. But you have to
act fast. The beam will only last about 30 seconds." Dack pushed
the extractor into Luke's mouth and yanked out three upper right
molars. Luke spat blood and laughed dizzily. Dack jammed the fake
teeth in tightly.
"If that probot sent its signal, the Imperial fleet should be
on its way, but we can't take the chance of Riekaan escaping
capture. He'll want to have an audience with you before he kills
you. That'll be the time. When the assault begins, meet me in the
main hangar and I'll give you further instructions."
Luke felt the teeth with his tongue. "Okay, man. Whatever
you say." He dissolved into girlish giggles.
Dack gripped him firmly by the shoulders. "I've got to get
out of here now. Just remember the teeth. The teeth!"
*********
In the main command center, a communications officer suddenly
noticed a rather menacing collection of red blips appear on one of
his screens. He bit his nails nervously and debated whether or not
to tell anyone. He closed his eyes and silently prayed for the
blips to disappear. When he opened his eyes again, they hadn't.
He cleared his throat. "Uh, guys. Guys?"
Han and Leia, who had been necking in one corner of the room,
got up and came over. "What's up?" Leia asked.
"I've got...some little red spots here."
Han grinned sympathetically. "Nasty, aren't they? Just go to
the medical center and they'll give you..."
Leia pushed Han aside in mid-sentence when she saw the
computer screen. "Oh, shit. What does that mean?"
The officer hesitated. "Uh...I don't know. I...oh, wait a
second." He pulled a small card out of his pocket. It read 'M-112
SUBSPACE SCANNER CHEAT CARD.' He looked over it until he found the
lines he wanted:
GREEN = Good guys.
RED = Bad guys.
"Oh, fuck," he whispered.
"Sirs!" yelled another comm officer on the other side of the
room. "I'm getting some kind of audio transmission."
Leia shuddered, hoping the transmission wouldn't be what she
feared it was. "Put it on the speakers."
Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' boomed throughout the command
center. Leia groaned and sat down in a chair. "And I was just
beginning to warm up to this ice cube."
Han shook his head. "What's goin' on?"
Leia rubbed her forehead. A headache had immediately set in.
"Just listen."
After a few more bars, the music died down and the jarring
tones of a male disc jockey's voice could be heard. "Goooooood
morning, Hoth! Yes, to all of you who are about to take the final
jump, get out and enjoy this weather while you can! By my chrono,
you've only got another hour or two of sunshine before the clouds
roll in." The jockey played sound effects of explosions and lasers
firing. "That's right, today's forecast calls for scattered Ion
cannon fire throughout the afternoon, with an 80% chance of big,
pissed-off quadrupeds and frosty snowmen continuing into this
evening. So wrap up, kids, it's gonna be a rough one!"
Han tapped on the comm officer's shoulder. "Can you get me a
line to that signal?"
"Uh, sure." The officer began pressing buttons. He held a
small headset out to Han.
The disc jockey immediately shifted gears. "Whoa, it looks
like we're getting a caller here. You're on the pre-show show,
buddy."
Han disguised his voice. "Uh, yeah. Are you guys planning an
attack?"
"The most, a real knock-down drag-out. But could you turn
your radio down a bit? That's better. Where do you hail from,
buddy?"
"I'm on Hoth."
"Oh really? You wouldn't be a rebel scummazoid ready to plead
for his life, would you?"
"Oh, no, I'm...an ice fisherman."
"I thought the Hoth system was supposed to be devoid of human
forms."
"Well, it is, except for us. No rebels here, though."
"Oh really?"
"Absolutely. We don't take to strangers around here."
The jockey paused for a moment. "Are you sure you're not a
choobie-pumping rebel shitbot with delusions of grandeur?"
"No way."
"So you're definitely not one of those traitorous hurt vectors
who hangs out with that juvie-gang of uppity spacer/sodomites?"
"Not at all. We haven't seen anybody like that around here.
Situation normal. Everything's fine down here, we're all fine now,
thank you. How are you?"
"Well, pretty relieved, buddy, since I guess we won't have to
waste all that manpower in an attack. But we'd better send a squad
in anyway, just to be sure."
Han stammered for a second. "Uh...negative, negative. We've
got a reactor leak down here, uh, give us a few minutes to lock it
down. Umm, large leak...very dangerous."
"You don't much sound like a trout-frying abo to me. Come on,
buddy, are you really a rebel jet-juicer yankin' my retrorocket
just to keep the white hats from raising ship?"
"Ahh..." Han threw his headset to the floor and drew his
blaster. He fired at the comm board, blowing it up and
inadvertently killing the comm officer in the process. Han grunted
and holstered his weapon. "Incomprehensible conversation, anyway.
Boys, we're gonna have company!"
*********
The Great Reception Hall was darkened, the only illumination
being provided by torches set into the walls. Rebel troops sat in
small circles, applying war paint to each other and preparing
themselves for the pre-battle sacrifice. In the center of the hall
was a Tauntaun, bleating loudly as a group of warriors applied
special oils to it.
In a small, dark chamber adjacent to the Hall, Emperor Riekaan
was hunched over in his chair, reading a book of poetry out loud.
"There once...was a girl from Toprawa. Who had quite a fetish
for Jawas..."
Luke lay in one corner, suffering a full-cavity search at the
hands of Riekaan's personal guards. Leia leaned up against a wall,
watching the Emperor. "Oh, he's out there. He's really out
there."
("When she saw a sandcrawler...She'd hoot and she'd
holler...")
"Do you know what the man is saying?" She looked down at
Luke, who was wincing as a particularly zealous guard gripped his
penis and poked in his urethra with a pair of tweezers.
"I don't know, sis. Something about a chick who digs jawas?"
("And her pussy'd get wetter than R'alla...")
"It's all very simple. This is dialectics. One through nine,
no maybe's, no suppose's, no fractions. You can't travel into
space, you can't go into space, you know, with uh, with fractions.
What are you gonna land on, one quarter, three-eighths? What are
you gonna do when you go from here to Roonadan or something?
That's dialectic physics. Dialectic logic is, there's only sex and
death. You either fuck somebody, or you kill 'em."
Riekaan suddenly grunted and threw his book at her. Leia
batted it aside and hooked her fingers into Luke's nose, pulling
his face up to meet hers.
"We've all gotten fucked enough by you and your Empire. Now
we fight. This is the fuckin' way the world ends. Would you look
at this fuckin' shit we're in, man! Not with a whimper, but with
a big fuckin' bang. See you in hell, brother." She dropped him to
the floor and sprinted away.
When the guards were satisfied that Luke was clean they tied
him to a small post. They stood up straight and saluted Riekaan,
who dismissed them. "Leave us." When they had left, Riekaan
reached over, picked up a bowl of vitalis, and began spritzing his
head with it as he spoke. "Have you ever considered, Skywalker,
any real freedoms?"
"What do you mean?"
"Freedom from fear, freedom from the judgments of others.
Even the judgments of yourself?"
"Nope. I'm not a judgmental person. I say live and let live.
Unless somebody's fuckin' with your shit, of course."
"Are you going to fuck with my shit, Skywalker?"
"Only if you keep fuckin' with mine."
"What did they tell you?"
"Who?"
"The grocery clerks."
"They told me you were nuts."
"Am I nuts?"
"Well, who am I to judge?"
*********
In the main hanger, a voice boomed over the intercom: "DROP
YOUR COCKS AND GRAB YOUR SOCKS. BIG WALKING THINGS SPOTTED ON THE
SOUTH RIDGE." Troops were hustling in all directions, warming up
their snowspeeders.
Han Solo worked frantically on top of the Falcon, fiddling
with wires whose purpose was a complete mystery to him. Chewie,
meanwhile, labored dutifully, rerouting the ships' power systems.
He growled to himself. "Raaggarrag." (I don't know how we're gonna
get out of this one.)
Han finally gave up his pantomime and walked over to Chewie.
He looked over his shoulder. "Hmmm...hmmm...good. That's good."
Chewie glared at Solo. "Reeoouuur ruueeerr." (Stop
bullshitting and let me do this.)
Han took a step back. "Right, uh...looks like you've got
everything under, uh...terrific. You've learned a lot. Anyhow,
I'll just take care of that, uh...that thing with the uh, with the
ship's...systems...over there." He nodded at Chewie and left.
On the other side of the bay, Leia was debriefing a group of
pilots. "...The heavy transport ships will leave as soon as
they're loaded. Only two fighter escorts per ship. The energy
shield can only be lifted for a short time, so you'll have to stick
very close to your transports."
One of the pilots spoke up incredulously. "Two fighters
against a Star Destroyer?"
Leia turned to face the pilot. "That's right. Two fighters
against a Star Destroyer. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Well, its...it's insane. We'll never make it."
Leia scratched her chin for a moment. "You know...I think
you're right. My plan is insane. Why didn't I see it before?
It's completely ludicrous. Two fighters and a Star Destroyer? I
mean, fighters are so small, and Star Destroyers are so..." She
laughed out loud. "I mean, you can tell just by the names that
there's no contest. 'Star Destroyer'--it sounds so much nastier
than 'fighter.' You wouldn't have had a chance."
The pilot smiled, relieved. "Great. So have we got another
plan?"
"Sure," Leia began circling the pilot slowly. "We'll change
the name of your ship. Instead of a 'fighter', it'll be a...what's
a good name, guys?"
After a moment of deliberation, the pilots began shouting out
suggestions:
"Space Devastator!"
"Cosmic Annihilator!"
"Stellar Battle Warrior!"
"'Star Destroyer' Destroyer!"
"You see," Leia purred into the pilot's ear. "Problem
solved."
"But, uh...just changing the names won't...I mean..."
Leia kicked the pilot's legs out from under him, then
straddled him, pulled his helmet off, and began bashing his head
against the floor. Soon his skull had cracked, spilling out a pool
of steaming blood and cranial fluid. When the pilot stopped
twitching, Leia wiped the gunk off her hands and stood up.
"Right. Any more questions or suggestions?"
There were none.
"Good. As soon as you've flown your...'Galactic Pulverisers'
past the shield, proceed immediately to the rendezvous point."
*********
Riekaan was now pacing around the room, circling Luke. "I've
seen horrors. The horrors that you've seen. But you have no right
to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a
right to do that."
"Gee, thanks. Wouldn't want to think I was overstepping my
bounds."
"I remember when I was with the special forces doing
reconnaissance on Endor. We had captured a group of exterminators
hired by the Empire to deal with the Ewok problem. They had gotten
separated from their unit and run out of supplies. They were
hungry, and they all had terrible cases of crabs. We took mercy on
them, gave them ointment for the crabs, and moved on. A few hours
later one of them ran after us, crying."
Riekaan paused for a moment, shuddering at the memory. "We
went back there. And the ewoks had come and they had chewed off
every anointed penis. They were sitting there in a pile. A pile
of little..."
Luke broke in. "Wait a second. Ewoks did that?"
"Some ewok tribes are fiercer than others."
"But they're like...three feet tall."
"Actually, no one really knows how big they can get. We could
hear them at night, howling from the treetops. It's not a sound I
want to hear again."
There was a brief lull, during which Riekaan reached for
something behind his back. "Oh, by the way, I forgot to give this
to you." He casually dropped an object into Luke's lap.
It was PD's severed head, its lights burned out and useless,
wires splayed everywhere. Luke screamed in horror and kicked the
head away, crying.
"Oh Christ! You murderer!"
"Hey, you have no right..."
"PD...PD...I love you!" Luke sobbed in anguish at the thought
of his dead friend's suffering, then suddenly Dack's words echoed
in his mind: "REMEMBER THE TEETH! THE TEETH!"
Shaking away his sorrows, Luke yelled like an animal and bit
down on his false molars. They cracked easily, releasing the
nanosaber, which was no bigger than a safety pin. Unfortunately,
Luke bit down too hard and applied pressure to the saber itself.
It ignited, and a three-foot shaft of laser light tore its way
through his right cheek.
"AAAHHH!!" Luke jerked his head, swinging the beam and
inadvertently severing the chains which bound him. Realizing what
he had to do, he reached into his mouth, gripped the tiny saber,
and wrenched it out, burning away whatever was left of his right
cheek and leaving his gums and jaw exposed. With blood pouring
down his entire right side, painting him one-half crimson, he
advanced on Riekaan, who was still babbling on.
"They train young men to drop fire on people. But their
commanders won't allow them to write 'STANG' on their airplanes,
because...it's obscene!"
Luke raised the saber above his head and tried to form words
as best he could. "THIS IS THE END, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND!"
Riekaan suddenly registered Luke's intentions. "You are an
assassin! I knew it."
"Oh, no," Luke lisped. "I'm an errand boy. There's a matter
of a grocery bill you owe. I'm afraid we're gonna have to
repossess a few things." With that, Luke brought the saber down on
Riekaan's left arm, cutting it off. Then he did the same to his
right arm. Riekaan took the blows, while he began to haltingly
recite his last poem.
*********
In the Great Reception Hall, the Tauntaun shuffled its feet
nervously, periodically squealing. A painted warrior approached
it with a large sword. He raised the blade above his head and
spoke the ceremonial words...
*********
"There once was a faggot named Luke..."
Left leg gone. He fell to the floor.
"Who wanted a really good plook..."
Right leg.
"He traveled through space...lost half of his face..."
Luke brought the saber down on Riekaan's neck just as he
sputtered the last line.
"And was crowned Emperor by a fluke!"
The head rolled away from the torso. Luke continued hacking
at the trunk until the saber burned out.
*********
The Tauntaun brayed its death rattle and fell under the blows
of the warrior. Then a sudden hush fell over the assembly. All
eyes turned to register a new entry into the hall.
Luke Skywalker, nude and disfigured, walked slowly into the
crowd. He held Riekaan's head upside-down by its lower lip. The
soldiers watched him in silence. When they began advancing on him,
Luke dropped the head and held up his hands.
"Now hold up, wait a second. He told me I could. He said I
had a right to do this."
The warrior who slaughtered the Tauntaun stepped forward. "He
said you had a right to kill him?"
"His very words. Do I look like I'm lying?"
The warrior scratched his chin. "Well...it is the kind of
thing he would say. Alright, I guess you're the new Emperor then."
With that, the warrior dropped his sword and bowed down before
Luke. The other soldiers followed suit. Luke wove his way
carefully among them, moving toward the exit and talking to
himself.
"This must be what those three droids were talking about. I'm
Emperor now. I could tell all these assholes to stand on one foot
and they would. Pretty cool. But...fuck it. To hell with fate.
I'm my own man. I can do whatever I want. There's no mystical
energy field that controls my destiny. I'm free." He turned to
the soldiers, shouting. "I'm free, do you hear?! I'm the freest
man in the universe!"
When he reached the exit, he picked a discarded high-powered
blaster rifle off the floor. He aimed it carefully at the ceiling
of the ice cavern and set it to highest power. "Well, boys. I
appreciate the offer, but I'm just not ready for that kind of
commitment right now. You understand, I hope. Anyhow, adios." He
fired at the ceiling, and huge shards of ice began tumbling down,
cutting the assembled soldiers to ribbons. Luke dropped the rifle
and ran as the cavern began collapsing.
*********
The main hangar was in disarray, with troops running in all
directions, trying to get their speeders off the ground.
Explosions could be heard in the distance. On the intercom, a
grave voice crackled. "THE FIRST TRANSPORT HAS BEEN BLOWN AWAY."
This news was greeted by a chorus of boos and raspberries.
Luke, dressed in a flight jacket he'd picked up, ran among the
ships, looking for Dack.
"Over here!" Dack was waving from the other end of the bay.
As Luke jogged across, he noticed the Millennium Falcon being
repaired. Putting on his helmet to cover his face, he approached
Han, who was staring vacuously into an open hatch on the ship's
underside. Luke tapped him on the shoulder.
Han spun around. "What? I know what I'm doin!"
Luke took a step back and disguised his voice. "Take it easy,
pal. But uh..." He pointed at two rather large criss-crossing
cables which were plugged into the hyperdrive motivator. "This one
goes there, and that one goes there. Right?"
Han blinked at the wires, then began rearranging them. "Yeah.
Sure. I knew that. Do you think I'm stupid?"
"Clear skies!" Luke took off across the bay, and climbed up
onto Dack's snowspeeder. Dack was already strapped into the rear
gunner's position.
"Feeling alright, sir?"
"Apart from the agonizing pain in my face, I'm fine.
Riekaan's taken care of. How about you?"
Dack smiled. "Right now I feel like I could take on the whole
rebellion myself."
"I know what you mean. So what's the plan?"
"We've already made contact with the Imperial troops. We have
to rendezvous with General Veers' walker."
"Veers, huh? It'll be good to see him again. But how do we
know which walker is his?"
"They said we'll know it when we see it. And by the way,
you're in charge of Rogue Group."
"How'd you manage that?"
"I showed some leg to the duty officer."
"Is Rogue Group in on our plan?"
"Nope. Rebel regulars, all."
Luke laughed. "This is gonna be the most fucked-up offensive
of all time. Hang on, baby!" Luke punched the main thrusters and
the speeder blasted out of the hangar.
*********
Luke and Dack flew at low altitude over the icy landscape,
with the several speeders of Rogue Group in formation behind them.
Luke hit his com button and addressed the men.
"Okay, dickheads, this is Luke Skywalker. I'll be your
captain for the next few minutes."
Rogue Group responded: "WE COPY, ROGUE LEADER."
In the distance, a column of Imperial walkers became visible
on the horizon, trudging along in unison. When Luke saw them he
flipped off his com and chuckled. "I've often wondered what the
Imperial Engineers were sniffing when they designed those things."
"Yeah," Dack replied. "But they look kinda cool, though."
"That's true." He put his com back on. "Okay, Rogue Group.
Keep it tight now. Use attack pattern, uh...Sigma Alpha Epsilon."
Rogue 2 crackled back. "Attack pattern what?"
"You heard me."
"What do we do?"
"I don't know. Fly casual. Steady, boys."
When the speeders were within range, the walkers sent a volley
of laser blasts out to meet them. Two of the speeders on either
side of Luke burst into flames. After retorting with a few weak
shots, Rogue Group whizzed past the walkers in disarray.
"Whoa!" Luke cackled. "That definitely could have been
better. They're obviously using a zone defense and..."
Rogue 3: "We had no approach vector! We weren't set!"
Luke frowned. "Please don't interrupt. Now everybody regroup
and get ready for another pass. This time...attack pattern Phi
Sigma."
Rogue 2: "We haven't heard of that either!"
"Look, just point and shoot. Vive la Rebellion!" Rogue Group
swung around and approached the walkers again, this time from the
back. Once again, their blasters had no effect. Two more speeders
were picked off on their way past, splitting into golden fireballs.
Luke shot up into the stratosphere, enjoying the G forces.
"Have you boys ever considered any real freedoms?"
Rogue 3: "What? Are you crazy?! We're getting creamed! That
armor's too strong for blasters!"
"You know, freedom from fear, freedom from the judgments of
others..."
"We haven't got a chance!"
"Hey, now, that's stinkin' thinkin'. You boys hang on. Just
follow me. I call this one...attack pattern Tri-Delta. Go right
between their legs." Luke brought his speeder into a steep
nosedive, heading back toward the walkers. He scanned them, but
was unable to find any distinguishing mark which might indicate
which was General Veers'. He zipped right between the legs of one,
barely clearing. The other speeders scattered, one of them
crashing into the ground.
Luke laughed. "Whoa, guess Hobbie's not with us anymore.
Rogue 3, what's your name again?"
"Wedge."
"Wow, your folks were really scraping the bottom of the
nomenclature barrel. How are you?"
"I'm fine, no thanks to you. We've got to use harpoons and
tow cables. Go for the legs."
"I absolutely forbid that."
"It's our only chance!"
"Look, I'm in command, Wedge, and I'm ordering...attack
pattern Fellatio."
"You're making these up, aren't you?"
"No, no. That's where all insubordinate officers get on their
knees and suck my fat cock!"
Wedge snorted. "Fuck you, I'm going my own way. Get ready to
fire the tow cable, Jansen." Wedge headed for one of the smaller,
weaker walkers at the edge of the herd. It was limping slightly.
He flew between its legs, and Jansen fired the cable, affixing it
to one of the walker's feet. Wedge then began a complicated series
of weaving maneuvers which tied the legs up completely. When the
cable had run out, he detached it and flew to a safe distance.
The walker stumbled and fell forward, allowing Wedge to come
in again and fire full blasters at its damaged neck. The metal
behemoth exploded. Wedge cheered. "Hooah! That got him!"
Luke surveyed the destruction and snarled sarcastically. "I
see it, Wedge. Great work."
Rogue 2: "Great idea, Wedge. I'll go for the lead walker."
Rogue 2 peeled off and Luke banked to get a closer look at the
walker he was after. It appeared normal at first glance, but when
Luke got close enough he saw that it actually had a fifth leg.
About one-third the length of the others, it dangled limply between
the two rear legs. It could be extended and used in particularly
dangerous terrain. Luke called to Dack. "Hey, look at the leader!
It's got an extra leg!"
Dack twisted his head around to see. "Yeah, that must be
Veers. And Rogue 2's about to take him out!"
"My ass." Luke put on a burst of acceleration and came up
alongside Rogue 2. "Rogue 2, are you alright?"
"I'm with you, Rogue Leader."
"No, I mean, are you feeling okay? Sure you don't want to sit
this round out?"
"No, I can handle it."
"Well, if that's the way you want it. Go ahead and set your
harpoon. I'll uh...cover for you."
"Copy, Rogue Leader."
Luke dropped back and switched on his targeting computer. He
tried to get Rogue 2 in his sights, but the ship was veering around
wildly. "Steady, Rogue 2," Luke barked. The ship dutifully
stabilized and Luke grinned. "I have you now." He pressed the
fire button, and slammed a volley of laser bolts into Rogue 2,
blasting him out of the skies just before he reached the walker.
Wedge rubbed his eyes, not believing what he'd just witnessed.
"Rogue Leader," he hissed.
"Copy, Wedge. Looks like we're all alone now."
"I don't know who you are, but you'll have plenty of company
in hell."
"You know, that sounds great, but I promised I'd be
somewhere." Luke flipped off the com. "Take him, Dack."
Dack aimed his rear gun and fired several bursts at Wedge, all
of which were deftly evaded. "Damn, this guy's good."
"The Force must be strong in him. Pain in the ass."
Wedge fired off a salvo of his own, grazing Luke's speeder and
nearly causing it to spin out of control. "Shit!" Luke exclaimed.
"Why did we have to get this guy?"
Dack's panel crackled and sparked. "Luke, I've got a
malfunction in fire control. I can't target him."
Luke gritted his teeth. "Alright, fuck this." He pulled the
speeder into a steep loop, until he was heading upside down in the
opposite direction. He righted the craft and bore down on Wedge's
nose. "Alright, you cocksucker. We'll see who's chicken."
As the ships hurtled toward each other, they exchanged a heavy
torrent of laser blasts. Luke's speeder took several direct hits,
and began spinning wildly. Wedge flew by unscathed.
"Fuck!" cried Luke, trying to bring the speeder under control.
"I'm gonna get that guy if it's the last fucking thing I ever do!"
He wrestled with the controls to no avail--The white landscape
hurtled up to meet them. The speeder plowed violently into the
ground and skidded a hundred yards before it came to a stop.
Luke opened the hatch and was confronted with the terrifying
sight of the lead walker ambling directly toward them. He began
pulling equipment out the ship and tossing it into the snow.
Dack, half-dazed from the crash, shook his head. "Wha?"
"Better get out of there, Dack. We're about to get squashed."
"Oh, right." He began fiddling with his seat belt, but found
himself unable to unfasten it. "Hey, I can't get this belt off."
Luke leaned in to look. "You just pull up that latch, right?"
"I tried that."
"Well, try pressing the button, then pulling the latch."
Dack followed Luke's advice--the belt still refused to open.
"Nope."
Luke frowned. "Funny, that's how mine worked. Uh...how about
if you pull on the latch first, then press the button."
"Tried it."
"Okay, how about...pressing the button, then releasing it,
then pulling the latch, then pressing the button again."
"Okay." Dack tried to remember the sequence. "Wait. Do I
hold the button down the second time?"
"No, just press it once, release it, pull the latch,
then...No, you're not doing it right. Here, let me try it." Just
then Luke heard a loud mechanical buzzing and realized that the
walker's foot was looming over them. At the last second he pulled
himself out and leapt to safety. The walker pressed the speeder
nearly flat. After it had passed, Luke got up and surveyed the
wreckage.
Locating the blood-splattered belt amongst Dack's viscera, he
opened a pocketknife he just happened to have and cut the fastening
mechanism loose. He wiped the blood off of it and examined it. "I
really don't understand this. I thought you just pulled the latch
and that was it." He continued to fiddle with it as he jogged off
in pursuit of the walker.
*********
Han Solo worked furiously in the cockpit of the Millenium
Falcon, trying to get the engines to start. Outside the window,
the hangar was falling apart. Imperial troops had already landed.
"How's this?" he yelled to no one in particular.
Leia was suddenly behind him. "Would it help if I got out and
pushed?"
Han snapped around. "What the hell are you doing here? I
thought you'd be on one of the transports."
Leia laughed. "When I'm ready to commit suicide I'll just use
a razor. You don't mind if we tag along, do you?"
"We?"
R2 rolled out from behind Leia, bleeping enthusiastically.
Han sighed. "You really get attached to stuff, don't you?"
Leia shrugged. "He's a very...useful little droid."
R2 blooped slyly, extended a tiny mechanical arm, and pinched
Leia's ass. She slapped him playfully. "Cut it out."
Outside the Falcon, Chewie pushed against the hull with all
his might. After a herculean exertion, the ship began to roll
forward slowly. Chewie barked loudly and thumped on the hull.
"Ragaaraaa!" (Punch it!)
Han gunned the sublight engines. Finally, they turned over
and purred triumphantly as Chewie ran up the landing ramp, roaring
and beating his chest. The Falcon lifted off, hovered for a
moment, then blasted out of the hangar and into the blue sky.
*********
General Veers sat calmly in the cockpit of his walker,
grinning at the sight of the routed Rebels. "I love the smell of
ozone in the morning," he drawled contentedly.
A snowball hit the window, leaving a small lump of white on
the glass. Then another hit...and another.
Veers chuckled. "The rebels must really be getting desperate.
Don't they know that they'll never..." He was interrupted when the
fourth snowball actually broke through the plated glass, spraying
razor-sharp shards throughout the cabin. One of the pilots
screamed and put his hands to his eyes, blinded. Wind and snow
began whistling through the cockpit.
"Shit!" Veers exclaimed. "I'll get that Rebel scumbag!" He
leaned over the blinded pilot and pointed the walker's head
downward to get a better look at their attacker. As it pivoted,
the cockpit crew began slipping out of their seats. Veers steadied
himself against the control panel and peered down at the landscape.
A lone figure was visible, waving his arms wildly. Veers targeted
the man with the forward guns. He was just about to fire when he
paused, remembering. He glanced up at a post-it note affixed to
the dashboard. It read: PICK UP SKYWALKER.
Veers stuck his head out of the hole in the windshield and
yelled down to the man. "Who are you!?"
"Skywalker! Is that you, Veers!?"
"Yeah! But how do I know it's really you!?"
"Have you had that mole burned off yet!?"
"No, I've been meaning to make a..." Veers paused, then
laughed. "Luke, you young pup!"
*********
The third leg of the walker lifted Luke up to an open hatch on
the underbelly, where Veers was waiting. When Luke saw him he
grinned with what was left of his face. "Hey, you old faggot.
How's tricks?" When he was safely inside, he pulled off his
helmet.
Veers noticed Luke's destroyed cheek. "Yuck."
"Don't ask. You got any coffee?"
"I just put on a fresh pot. Where's Dack?"
"He got squashed. Damnedest thing. Couldn't figure out how
this belt worked." Luke held up the buckle. Veers took it from
him, pressed the button twice, then lifted the latch easily.
"Oh yeah," Luke said, shaking his head. "Dammit, I knew
that."
"Oh well," Veers said, clapping his arm around Luke's back.
"We have no time for our sorrows, buddy. Too many pleasures to
sort out." The small compartment they were standing in abruptly
lurched into motion and ascended. When it stopped, a lighted panel
above the door blinked: GALLERIA.
The door opened, revealing a luxurious hotel-like plaza,
furnished in rich beige and gold. Comfortable chairs were
tastefully arranged all around. A glass partition provided a
lovely view of a small swimming pool and jacuzzi, in which a number
of nubile-looking females were attractively lounging. A small
formation of red-robed Imperial guards snapped to attention outside
the lift.
Luke whistled as he stepped into the plaza. "Goddamn. So
this is how the officers live. Very nice."
Veers smiled. "It's nice, but not usually this nice. We had
the jacuzzi installed just before the attack."
"What's the occasion?"
"A coronation."
"Whose?"
"Yours, Luke."
Luke did a doubletake. "What?"
"It's all in writing. The Emperor had no heirs. In the event
of his death, the Emperorship passed to Vader. With Vader missing
in action, the rightful heir is..."
"Whoa, whoa, wait a second." Luke broke away from Veers and
pushed the guards aside. "You mean to tell me I'm the Emperor?"
"I shit you not. After this pre-ceremony, you'll be taken to
Endor for the official coronation."
The guards bowed down before Luke and spoke in unison. "WE
SWEAR ETERNAL LOYALTY, THANE OF ENDOR."
"What?" Luke exclaimed. "What did they call me?"
"Thane," Veers replied. "That's what the Imperial guard calls
the Emperor. Technically it's not the right word, but...it's
tradition, you know."
Luke sat down in a plush velour armchair, trying to take it
all in. "Those fuckin' droids were right. I don't believe it.
No, fuck this. I'm still free. I'm not locked into anything. I
can still make my destiny if I want to." He stood up and addressed
the assembly. "I'm sorry everybody got all dressed up and
everything, but I'm really not interested."
"Not interested?" Veers arched an eyebrow.
"Nope. Not gonna do it. I'm a free man."
"Well," Veers shrugged. "If that's how you feel about it. I
guess we'll have to send back the twins."
Luke hesitated. "Twins?"
"Yep. Part of the ceremony. But if you're not interested..."
"Wait a second, what kind of twins?"
"Oh, no, don't worry about it, we'll just send them back."
"Send who back? What are you talking about?"
Veers snapped his fingers. Two 12 year old humanoid twins
were brought out, one male, one female, each exuding powerful
pheromones. They had a slightly bluish skin tone and shining
yellow eyes. They wore white robes and were completely flawless.
Luke eyed them warily, trying to hide his embarrassingly obvious
arousal. "What do they do?"
"They perform the ceremony. They're specially bred and
trained from birth."
"Well," Luke murmured. "I don't say I'm accepting the job or
anything, but...let them go ahead and start."
Veers snapped his fingers again. The twins slipped out of
their robes and approached Luke. They expertly took down his pants
and began working his cock, all four hands twisting and stroking in
unison. Luke was overcome by the sensations, and for the first
time, the pain in his jaw subsided. The Force was definitely
strong in these two. And it wasn't the Good side. Luke's cock
swelled enormously.
The male went behind Luke, gently pried his buttocks apart,
and went to work. Luke jumped. "Holy shit! Is he part giraffe?"
"I told you, they breed 'em special." Meanwhile, the female
was having no problem handling Luke's huge erection by herself.
She rubbed it over her shoulders and under her chin, covering
herself with pre-ejaculate. Soon she was taking the entire organ
into her tiny mouth. Her jaw appeared to dislocate specifically
for this purpose. To Luke's amazement, she was able to swallow his
entire package, scrotum and all. Her throat bulged, and her spine
was bent unnaturally, but the sensations were unlike anything Luke
had ever felt. He gaped at Veers, who laughed.
"Cartilage, Luke. All cartilage. Not a single bone in 'em.
And there's enough protein in your load to keep ten of them alive
for a month."
"Ten? How many of them are there?"
"Well, their little brothers and sisters are on Endor. They
only join in for the official ceremony."
"How many brothers and sisters do they have?"
"Oh, about twenty-eight."
The thoughts that immediately ran through Luke's mind pushed
him over the edge. He groaned and ejaculated directly into the
girl's stomach. But strangely, the pleasure continued, unabated.
Luke shuddered as he realized what was happening. The twins were
somehow using the Force to make him multi-orgasmic.
Veers smiled. "So what do you say, Luke? Want to rule the
universe?"
Luke, tingling with excitement at the prospect of the real
coronation, shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, what the hell. How bad
can it be?"
"Great. What made you change your mind?"
Luke slapped his thighs in resignation as the twins switched
positions. "Shit, man. It's fate, right?"
---------------------------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 8: MENSTRUAL LIGHT AND MAGIC
or CORELLIAN GRAFFITI
by Jefferson Morris (copyright 1995)
The last surviving Rebel Transport, The Flocculator, sped out
of Hoth's outer atmosphere, desperately trying to evade the
Imperial Fleet which was moving to intercept it.
In the cockpit, the pilots, Deak and Windy, fumbled urgently
with a rather out-of-date galactic map. When completely unfolded,
it covered the cockpit window entirely. They ran over it with
pencils, trying to find their position in relation to the Rebel
rendezvous point.
Deak chewed off the last remnant of his left thumbnail as he
scanned the map. "Alright, where's Hoth on this thing?"
Windy went to the star system index, which covered the entire
backside of the map in nearly microscopic print. He ran down the
enormous list with his finger. "Okay, wait a second...Halla...
Halma...Halme...Hamaa...Hamab...Hamac...Hamad..."
Deak slapped him sharply. "Skip down!"
"Uh, sorry. Okay...Hort...Horta...Hosh...Hoss...Host...
Hota...Hote...Hotf...Hotg...Hoti...Hotj..."
"What?! You skipped it!"
Windy frowned at the map. "Oh, you're right. Yeah, here it
is--Hoth. It's at...GGG4318." He quickly turned the map over and
located the grid in question. "Okay, I got it!"
"So which way to the rendezvous point?"
Windy grinned. "I think we're gonna make it, man. All we
have to do is...Come to think of it, where is the rendezvous
point?"
Deak did a double-take. "I thought you knew."
"I thought you knew."
"You're the navigator!"
"Well you're the pilot!"
Deak beat his forehead in frustration. "Oh this is fuckin'
beautiful."
Windy shot back defensively. "Look it wasn't my idea to
enlist in this fucking rebellion anyway. We couldn't just stay on
Tatooine, could we? We couldn't just comfortably go nowhere." He
began gesturing grandly. "Oh, no, we had to 'do something with our
lives.' We had to 'make a difference.'" He angrily stabbed his
pencil through the map, tearing a small hole in it.
Deak bared his teeth. "If you don't find out where the
rendezvous point is, right fucking now..."
"Uh...Deak?" Windy gulped, as he looked through the hole he
had ripped in the map. "I think the whole thing's academic now."
He pulled the map away from the window.
A Super Star Destroyer loomed above them, filling their field
of vision. Its open docking bay grew ever larger, like a widening
mouth. The stars turned green as the transport was enveloped in an
unshakable tractor beam.
Windy flipped the intercom on. "Uh...attention guys...could
anybody with a gun meet us on deck one please? Thanks."
*********
Deak, Windy, and a small group of rebels stood in a corridor
on deck one, loading their weapons. At one end of the hall was a
bulkhead which would most likely provide ingress for the Imperial
boarding party. A dull metallic thud shook the ship as it came to
a stop in the Super Star Destroyer's bay.
Deak whistled, getting everyone's attention. "Okay, people,
whatever happens let's try to be professional about this. Just
arrange yourself along the walls, short people in front, just like
in high school."
The troops got themselves into position, pointing their
blasters. They began to hear a light knocking at the door. The
troops looked at each other nervously, sweating and anxiously
fingering their weapons. The knocking continued until Windy
couldn't stand it any longer.
"Who's there?!"
A muffled came from the other side. "Little pigs, little
pigs. Let me in!"
Deak yelled back defiantly, cocking his blaster. "Come on in,
you white-booted motherfuckers! We'll warm your breakfast!"
The voice echoed back. "Not by the hair of your chinny-chin-
chin?"
Deak aimed his pistol carefully. "Not by my dead
grandmother's short hairs, you hog-balled sonofabitch!"
"Well then, I'll huff...and I'll puff...And I'll..."
The bulkhead exploded outward, sending a spray of lethal
shrapnel into the rebel defenders. Most of the first row fell
dead. Laser bolts began to cascade out of the acrid smoke. The
rebels pointed and prayed, firing their weapons blindly into the
haze. One by one they fell to enemy fire.
Deak crouched and fired desperately. He yelled to Windy, who
was already using the body of one of his fallen comrades as a
shield. "There's too many of them! Retreat!"
"To where? We're on a spaceship!"
"Anywhere!"
Deak was suddenly struck in the abdomen by a stray shot. He
fell to the floor, groaning and beating at the flaming hole in his
tunic.
Windy, who was stacking dead bodies in front of himself like
sandbags, noticed his friend's plight. "Deak!"
Deak gritted his teeth grimly. "Go! Leave me! Save
yourself!"
Windy shrugged. "You're the boss." He scrambled off down the
hallway.
*********
In the passenger cabin of the Flocculator, Emperor Luke
Skywalker was in the process of interrogating the assembled Rebel
prisoners. He held one man up in the air by his throat. "Okay,
smart guy. What's the square root of two?"
The man gasped. "I don't...I can't..."
"Come on, think back to school. I just want two decimal
places."
"It's, uh...one point...four..." The man emitted a pitiful
gurgling sound, then went limp. Luke threw him against a wall,
adding to a pile of suffocated corpses.
An Imperial commander entered, escorting a rather bloodied
Windy, who was bound with handcuffs. "We found this one in the
girls' bathroom."
Luke looked him over. "At least he had the sense enough to
hide. What's your name, scumbag?"
Windy's eyes widened when he recognized Luke. "Lu...Luke?"
"Your name is Luke too?"
"No, it's Windy! We were best friends back on Tatooine,
remember? Back at Anchorhead we used to fly our skyhoppers around,
pretending we were fighting battles. You know--Windy? Beggar's
Canyon? We used to hang out with Deak, and Camie, and Fixer..."
"And Prancer, and Dancer, and Donner..."
"You must remember me! We hung out all the time!"
Luke shook his head. "Look, man, if you think that some weird
nickname from the ass-end of an out-of-print trivia book is gonna
evoke any tearful nostalgia, you've got another thing coming. Now
come on, let's get this over with."
Windy reluctantly placed his neck in Luke's grasp, and he was
lifted off the floor. "Alright," Luke hissed. "I just want to
know one thing--where's the bitch?"
"Which bitch?" Windy gasped.
"About 5'1". Brunette, fake tits. Your perfect little
spoiled Alderaanian princess."
"You've just described...half the women in the quadrant."
Luke tightened his grip. "Look, fuckhead, we've captured
every other transport and searched them all. I know she's hiding
here somewhere."
"Don't know what...you're talking about..." Windy's face
started turning red. "Don't know...consular ship...diplomatic
mission...no habla..."
"If this is a consular ship, why doesn't it say 'Consular
Ship' on the hull?"
"Ran out of...paint..."
Luke swept his arms around the room. "Everywhere I look it
says 'BLOCKADE RUNNER.' On the walls, on the uniforms, on the
cocktail napkins." He began tightening his grip on Windy's throat,
then suddenly reconsidered. "Wait a second. I want to try
something." He put Windy down, took a step back, extended his
hand, and closed his eyes, channeling the Force. "My Dad used to
do this." He visualized Windy's windpipe being crushed, letting
the Force flow through his fingers. Windy began making unusual
grunting noises. But when Luke opened his eyes, he saw that rather
than suffocating him, he had given him an enormous hard-on. And
yet strangely, the front of his pants was soaked with urine.
"Shit." Luke sighed, picked up a blaster, and fired it into
Windy's neck, blowing his head off. "Gotta read a book on that or
something."
*********
On the far side of the Hoth system, the Millennium Falcon
streaked through space, with several TIE fighters in pursuit.
Green blasts of laser light struck the ship repeatedly, taxing its
stabilizers.
Han Solo and Chewbacca worked furiously in the cockpit, which
was shaking so violently that their speech was slurred. Well,
actually, Chewbacca worked and Solo shouted.
"Come on, come on!" Han snarled. "Let's hope we don't have
a burnout."
"Raarheeah roooaaa." (I burned out years ago.) At that
moment, a direct hit was scored on the ship, causing it lurch to
starboard. Air fresheners, coffee cups, and tattered calendars
rained down on Chewie from an overhead compartment.
Han smacked Chewie on the side of the head with a newspaper.
"Concentrate, you fuckin' mutt!"
Chewie momentarily considered killing Han, but then decided to
wait for a better moment. He slowly rose to his feet, smoothed his
pelt, and left the cockpit. Han stared in astonishment. "Wait a
second, uh...stay. Stay! Sit! What the fuck are you doing?!" He
turned back to controls, realizing that he now had to pilot the
ship by himself. He looked over at Chewie's station and gulped--it
was a maze of unfamiliar readouts and buttons.
"Shit!" Han quickly flipped open the glove compartment and
pulled out a small booklet--"S-31 NAVICOMPUTER OWNER'S MANUAL." He
turned to the first page and began reading frantically:
WELCOME
Have you ever looked up at the night sky and wondered
about it all? Wondered where you are, where you're going,
and how you'll get there? Have you ever felt adrift in the
vastness of the cosmos, convinced that you're nothing more
than an afterthought? Or a bit of evolutionary detritus
doomed to wander a dingy corner of nothingness in a
despairing stupor until you die? Have you ever been struck
by the heartless, incomprehensible enigma that is our
universe? Have you ever considered taking your own life?
SUICIDE SOLUTION?
Of course. We all have. Throughout history, humanity
has travelled many different paths over the aeons, trying to
divert its collective attention from these unpleasant
realities. You may have tried some of the more popular
diversions yourself--Art, Religion, Sex, Psychoactive Drugs,
Sports. But somehow they weren't enough.
Well congratulations, shrewd consumer, you need search
no longer. Who needs love, sex, or some abstracted notion of
"God" when you've got...
AN S-31 MULTI-ARRAY NAVICOMPUTER!
Yes, the cold abyss of space can be as familiar as your
backyard with the help of your S-31! Just try to get lost!
We dare you! Forget about quantum-theoretical non-locality!
With an S-31 to guide you, you'll always know 'where it's
at.' Are you ready?
YOU ARE GOD
Or at least you'll feel like one as you ride your S-31-
equipped chariot in a fiery streak across the heavens...
Leia, who had just stepped out of the shower, walked into the
cockpit in a white bathrobe. She was drying her hair with a
blaster on its lowest setting. "What have you got there, Han?
'The Book of Common Prayer?'"
"It's nothing."
She crept up behind Han and snatched the manual away from him.
She looked at it and sighed. "Terrific." She grabbed Han by the
ear and pulled him up out of his chair. "Look, Captain, why don't
you go in the back and play." She shoved him aside and sat down in
the control chair, then quickly re-stabilized the craft and began
evasive tactics.
Han grumbled and walked into the aft compartment. Chewie was
already embroiled in a game of Holographic chess with R2, who
examined the board carefully and punched his next move into the
computer. One of R2's wayward knights (a blue-skinned Hammerhead)
slipped through an opening and attacked Chewie's king (a corpulent
Gamorrean). Chewie howled in frustration as his king was forced to
the ground and decisively sodomized.
Han smirked. "It's a fair move. Screaming about it won't
help."
"Raaaoooah." (Did mommy put you to bed?)
Han sat down and slapped his thigh. "Goddamnit! Who does she
think she is? I oughta go back in there and whip her little ass."
"Raahaaggh." (I'm afraid that would require balls. Of which
you're at least two short.)
"Chewie, we're men here. Now we got some Alderaanian cunt
pissin' in our face--cocksucker! Wants to break our rice bowl. No
pussy is worth this. Maybe Luke was right. Am I whipped?"
"Reeeoooraar." (Like a bowl of cold mashed potatoes at a Mary
Kay seminar.)
Leia swept into the room. "Chewie, the power coupling on the
negative access has been pulverized. Replace it, will you?"
Chewie barked an affirmative and headed for the tool closet.
Han waited petulantly for Leia to look at him.
She sighed. "What is it, flyboy?"
"You want the dog to work on the ship's systems?"
"Do you even know where the power coupling is?"
"Of course," Han snapped. "It's on the uh...negative access."
"And where's that?"
"In the back somewhere."
Leia laughed. "I'm sorry I doubted you. Now if you'll excuse
me, I've got an Imperial armada to outrun." She headed back for
the cockpit. "And tell Chewie to step on it. We're going to
hyperspace as soon as my hair's dry."
*********
On the bridge of the Super Star Destroyer 'Executor,' Luke was
having the finishing touches put on his mechanical cheek. His
medical robot was pinching and wiggling it.
"Oww." Luke batted the robot's arm away. "This wasn't made
by the same company that made my dick, was it? I still don't know
if I'm coming or going with that thing."
"Oh, no," the droid replied. "The failure of the Orifex 2L
series put Fleshcorp out of business months ago. This cheek is a
top-of-the-line Physiognymix Excelsior. Here's the manual." The
droid offered a small booklet to Luke.
"Never mind. I've got a fleet to lead now."
"When you have time, sir, I'd be happy to install a
replacement penis. The XP-38 Staffmaster Plus from Membrex was put
on the market a week ago. I think it would look good on you."
"I'll let you know." Luke strode out into the center of the
bridge, swinging his cape ominously. The crew hurried out of his
path. He stopped in front of the main observation window. Outside
was a magnificent panorama of Imperial Star Destroyers in tight
formation, still orbiting the white snowball of Hoth. Luke turned
around and faced the crew.
"Ozzel? Where's Ozzel?"
Admiral Ozzel, a portly man in his early fifties, stepped
forward. "Yes, Lord?"
"I'm Emperor, aren't I?"
"Yes, Lord."
"This is my fleet."
"Yes, Lord."
"I have absolute power."
"Yes, Lord."
"A new era is at hand, Ozzie. The era of me. I think the
galaxy is in for some pretty dark times."
A communications officer stepped forward, waving a piece of
paper. "Lord Skywalker! I have a report from one of our TIE
squadrons. Apparently one of the Rebel ships is still at large.
The squadron is in pursuit now, but it's almost out of the system."
"I thought we got all the Rebel transports."
"This isn't a standard transport, Lord. The squadron
commander says it's some kind of weird-looking pie-shaped thing.
It, ah..." The officer began quoting the message. "'Looks like it
was built by a blind quadriplegic in a washing machine.'"
Luke's eyes widened. "That's it! The Corellian cuntsucker!
And I'll bet Leia's with him." Luke jumped with glee, his new
cheek twisted into an alarming grin. "Alright, everybody listen
up! I want the entire fleet sent after that thing. I want every
half-spaceworthy tub with a thruster on that motherfucker's ass.
And I'm going to kill one of you at random every 10 minutes until
they're captured, so work fast."
*********
Leia blinked at her scanner. "Uh oh."
Han approached behind her. "What is it?"
"Well, this scanner just picked up about 1200 Imperial slugs
bearing down on us. Either that or your clock needs resetting. Is
Chewie done with that repair yet?"
Chewie shoved Han aside and sat in the co-pilot's chair.
"Raaaraarh reeooorgahh." (Let's light this candle. Punch it!)
Leia slammed down the hyperspace accelerator--to no effect. The
engines simply hiccuped like an enormous vomiting cat.
Han blinked at the starfield outside. "Aren't the stars
supposed to like, stretch or something?"
"We're in trouble," Leia muttered.
*********
Luke practiced his evil laugh on the bridge of the Executor.
"Ha ha, ha ha, HA HA HA HA!" The assembled crew applauded
boisterously. Luke raised his hands in mock protest. "Oh, no,
come on. You're embarrassing me, please. It still needs work."
Ozzel stepped forward. "Sir, I'm not sure we can get a
tractor beam on them before they jump to hyperspace."
"Oh, I took care of that on Hoth. Gave Solo a little
unfriendly advice about where the wires on the hyperdrive motivator
should go. He's completely clueless."
"Brilliant, Lord."
"Yes I am. Open a channel to them."
*********
The Com panel began blinking. Han pointed at it. "What's
that?"
Leia slapped his hands away. "Looks like a subspace call."
"Should we pick it up?"
"Let the machine get it. Telemarketers love that frequency."
"It might be important." Han hit switches randomly on the
panel until he got the right one. "Hello?"
Luke's voice crackled out of the speakers. "HAN, OLD BUDDY.
HOW'S TRICKS?"
"Is that you, kid?"
"THAT'S EMPEROR SKYWALKER TO YOU."
Leia laughed. "Emperor, my ass."
"I SHIT YOU NOT, SIS. WITH VADER AND PALPATINE OUT OF THE
PICTURE, I'M THE MACK. THE WHOLE GALAXY'S LINING UP TO KISS MY
ROYAL ASS."
"Okay, whatever. Look, we really don't have time for prank
calls, so I'm just gonna..."
"IT'S NOT A PRANK, WHORE! I'M LEADING THE FLEET THAT'S ABOUT
TO HAUL YOU IN LIKE A LOAD OF MYOPIC CATFISH!"
Han broke in. "Hey, kid, uh...I mean Emperor. I was thinking
about what you were saying back on Hoth, and I think I may have
been wrong about you. I realize that..."
Leia swung a fist into Han's scrotum, dropping him to the
floor. She switched off the com. "No time for tearful
reconciliations. Chewie, set 271."
Chewie raised an eyebrow. "Reeaeeahh? Roooogaraggah." (Are
you out of your fuckin' mind? That's an asteroid field.)
"They'd be crazy to follow us, wouldn't they?"
Chewie shrugged and set the course. "Roooraaraahrr
reeehaggh." (Sure, I guess. Welcome to Circular Logic 101.)
*********
After a few minutes, the pain in Han's groin had dissipated
sufficiently for him to stand up. Leia and Chewie were both
slumped in their chairs, somewhat dispirited. Han looked out the
window. In front of them was a common expanse of empty space.
There wasn't a single asteroid in sight.
"So when do we reach the asteroids?"
"Just shut up, alright," Leia grunted.
"What's the problem?"
Chewie rolled his eyes and barked. "Rrrarrahh." (This
asteroid field isn't quite what we'd hoped for.)
"Wait a second," Han chortled. "You didn't actually expect to
lose them in an asteroid field, did you? This ain't the movies,
sister. When you pass through a real asteroid field, you're lucky
to even see one, let alone crash into one. I mean, the odds of
unsuccessfully navigating an asteroid field must be something
like..."
"Shut up!" Leia screamed. "Just shut up! I'm supposed to be
perfect, is that it?!"
Han checked the scanner. "I assume the fleet is still on us?"
"Raarreeooorah." (Like stink on a jawa's ass.)
"Wait," Leia said. "I have another idea. Chewie, set a new
course."
*********
Ozzel tentatively approached Luke, who was sitting on a deck
chair in front of the main window. "Uh..Lord?"
"Yes, Ozzie?" Luke looked up from his margeurita with a thin
film of salt on his upper lip.
"They've changed course. They're heading straight for us."
"Relax, Ozzie, have a drink."
"But Lord, they're heading right at us. I mean, right at the
bridge of this ship."
"What the fuck?" Luke set his drink aside and stood up. He
scanned the starfield outside. A small glinting point between the
stars was slowly getting larger. Eventually it resolved itself
into the prow of the Falcon, headed directly for the bridge through
criss-crossing fusillades of laser fire. "Well Ozzie?"
"Yes, Lord?"
"Let's all yank our thumbs out of our asses on the count of
three, shall we? Do you have any suggestions?" The Falcon was now
getting extremely close, bearing down on them like a bullet.
"Well, Lord...a tractor beam, perhaps?"
"That's your answer to everything, isn't it? Shit. If a ship
is too far away, use the tractor beam. If it's too close, try the
tractor beam. If my girlfriend can't have an orgasm, haul out the
tractor beam." Luke plopped back into his chair, picked up his
drink, and took a swig. "This needs more salt."
All eyes were on the viewport as the Falcon finally streaked
past, changing course at the last second to avoid collision. Then
it was gone.
"Well, that was exciting," said Luke. "Now where is it?"
The chief scanning officer looked at his screen in disbelief.
He kicked the scanner several times, to no avail. "Uh...Lord, the
ship no longer appears on our scopes."
"Really? That's very interesting. So where is it now?"
"I...I don't know, Lord."
"Maybe it's in Neverland. Maybe if we think happy thoughts,
we can follow them there. Do you know what my happy thought is?"
"No, Lord."
Luke walked up to the officer and put his hand on his
shoulder. "What's your name, son?"
"Peterson, sir."
"Well, Peterson, my happy thought is the prospect of your
death." Luke stepped back, extended his arm, and concentrated,
letting the Force flow. "Come on, baby. Come on, visualize that
esophagus."
Peterson began to go into strange convulsions, as if he was
covered with bugs he was trying to brush off. Finally he fell out
of his chair, pulled his standard issue Imperial trousers down, and
excreted onto the deck.
Luke trembled with rage. "Goddamnit! Why isn't anything
going my way?" He closed his eyes, regaining his composure.
"Alright Ozzel, I want you to kill the entire bridge crew, and have
their replacements on duty in five minutes. I want round the clock
sensor sweeps in every fucking wavelength and every direction. I
want people looking in closets and under old newspapers. Find
them." With that, Luke straightened his cape and left the bridge.
*********
The Millennium Falcon rested quietly on the Executor's hull,
its lights dimmed to avoid detection. Han was working in the
ship's head, trying to unclog the toilet. He muttered under his
breath as he worked the sonic plunger.
"Fuckin' bitch...fuckin' Wookiee needs a stool softener..."
Han fiddled with the plunger, unable to get it to activate.
Leia stood behind him, silently observing. She reached around
him and flipped the plunger on. Han snarled and pulled away.
"Get off me!"
"Don't get excited, Han. I thought you wanted to help."
"This wasn't what I had in mind. You can be one iron-breasted
bitch sometimes."
Leia laughed. "I guess so. But admit it, sometimes you still
get the itch when you look at me."
Han shrugged. "I don't know, maybe occasionally, when you
aren't acting like a whore."
"You know the madonna/whore thing, right? Well I'm in my
whore phase right now. If I see something I want, I take it. In
fact," she smiled seductively and inched closer to him, "Right now
I want...Wait a second. Why am I bothering with foreplay?" She
pulled her robe off and stood naked in front of Han. Her reddish
nipples crumpled and bunched like a twisted bedsheet in the cold
air of the cabin. She took Han's hand and led it to her crotch,
entwining his fingers in her pubic hair.
Han swallowed involuntarily, then tried to shrug off the
contact. "Been there, done that."
Leia smirked. "Sheeit." With that, she kicked his legs out
from under him, sending him sprawling on the urine-stained floor,
then wrapped the sash of her bathrobe around his neck, suffocating
him. Holding the sash with one hand, she used to other to unzip
his fly and pull his pants down. Han's cock was already swelling
of its own accord. His eyes bulged.
Leia twisted his penis with her free hand, and tried to guide
it into her vagina. Han thrashed his hips, trying to avoid
penetration. After a few moments of slipping and sliding, Leia
finally just sat down on his erection, bending it in half. Han
tried to howl, but no sound emerged from his constricted throat.
Leia got up, tied the end of the sash to a fitting in the
floor, then promptly sat on Han's face. He squirmed and kicked,
suffocating.
"Okay, Han. I'm not getting up until I come, so you better
lick like there's no tomorrow if you ever want to draw breath
again." She leaned forward, her head poised above his penis. "And
if you bite down, I'll bite down." She popped his erection into
her mouth and wrapped her tongue around it like an eel.
Blind, dumb, and suffocating, Han Solo sat down to an early
dinner.
*********
With all the lights off and the blinds drawn over the
observation window in his cavernous Imperial suite, Luke sat
morosely on his throne. He pulled a lever on the side, extending
the foot rest and pitching it back. After a few minutes, he was
dozing.
He slowly became conscious of something in his field of view.
In front of him were the three ghostly female droids he'd seen from
his bacta tank on Hoth. "You again, huh? Can I ask you girls a
question?"
FIRST DROID: Speak.
SECOND DROID: Demand.
THIRD DROID: We'll answer.
"What's my future?"
Another vision began to take shape in the foggy air. Vader's
helmet floated in front of him.
Luke raised an eyebrow. "Hey, Dad. Didn't I kill you?"
Vader's sepulchral tones emanated from the mask. "ASSHOLE!
ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! BEWARE, ASSHOLE!"
Luke folded his arms. "Should I be writing this down?"
"I'M DONE WITH YOU." The helmet disappeared.
Luke addressed the droids. "Well that was fantastic. Look,
if you know my future, why not tell me something useful, like
lottery numbers, or which meals to avoid if I want to stay regular,
or even the fucking TV schedules so I can set my VCR in advance."
Another apparition materialized before him. It was Dack, his
body horribly squashed after being stomped by the Walker during the
Hoth battle. Dack stared at Luke, phantom blood pouring from his
mouth, and spoke.
"Luke! Luke! Luke!"
"What, what, what?"
"Be bloody, bold, and ballsy. Laugh to scorn the power of
man, for none of woman born shall harm Luke."
Luke nodded appreciatively. "Now that's more like it. 'None
of woman born,' huh? I'll bet my left nut there's some kind of
loophole in that, but it's still a step in the right direction."
Dack's mangled body disappeared, and was soon replaced by a
third vision, which seemed to rise up from the floor. It was Ben
Kenobi. He was tied up in a studded bondage outfit.
Luke's eyes widened. "Goddamn, old man? You still in the
twilight zone, or have you moved to the outer limits?"
Kenobi's voice was deep and slow. "Just listen carefully:
Skywalker shall never vanquished be until Great Endor Wood to the
high Death Star shall come against him." He winked, then vanished.
"Okay." Luke shook his head, completely waking himself up.
The three droids were gone, and the suite appeared to be normal.
He got up from the throne, invigorated. "Well that's bullshit if
I ever heard it. Who can impress some backwater planetoid, or bid
Kepler and Newton to fuck themselves and their laws?" He walked to
the observation window and yanked the blinds up, letting starlight
flood the room. He looked out the window...and a smile slowly
spread across his face.
*********
Han sat in front of the holo-chessboard, picking pubic hair
out from between his teeth. R2 had taken all of his pawns and
knights, and was now taking pleasure in suicide plays. "Sometimes
I think droids are better than women. They aren't bitching all the
time, they follow logical protocols, and they don't have to eat."
"BLOOP BLOOP." (Your move, asshole.)
"Yep, you're the only friend I have, R9."
"BLEEEEOOP." (This is demeaning to both of us.)
Han gazed off wistfully. "I always thought I'd love a horny
little Alderaanian girl..."
"BLOOOOP." (Please stop.)
"Someone who wouldn't just fuck my body...but also fuck my
heart, you know? Make love to my soul, when it needed loving."
"BLEEOOWWEEP." (For the love of God, stop.)
"Sometimes I feel like I'm just fucking the same hole, with
different faces attached to it each time. It's all so empty.
Empty as that great void of space out there." Han gestured
majestically at nothing in particular.
Mercifully, Leia approached. She mussed Han's hair. "Hey,
flyboy. Why don't you make yourself useful and dust the control
panel in the cockpit." She dropped a feather duster in his lap and
strode off.
Han got up slowly. "You know something, R5? I think I'm
gonna sell this ship when this is all over. No more of this spacer
shit. Living from one shot of dipill to the next. Dropping in on
any no-horse planetesimal with a breathable atmosphere, looking for
another kick. Chugging flameout in some alien strip joint until
your last hunk of chrysopaz is gone. Then having to suck some
alien sex organ that doesn't even have a human equivalent, just so
you can buy enough fuel to achieve escape velocity. You ever try
to bring a hallucinating Meeriam Hammerhead to orgasm? I had to
take off my boots and use my feet, and it still took six hours.
And then the whole bullshit ride starts again. You know, sometimes
I..." He turned around, and saw that R2 had left. "Fuck it." He
walked into the cockpit, duster in hand.
He started dusting off panels, still grumbling. He had been
working for a few minutes when he randomly glanced through the
cockpit window at the hull of the Executor. They were affixed to
the ship right next to a large observation window, which afforded
him an excellent view into what appeared to be a suite. To his
surprise, there was a familiar face in the window, waving at him.
It was Luke, his artificial cheek twisted into a grin even
more lopsided than Han's. In one hand he held up a posterboard
sign, on which he had scribbled a message in magic marker:
BYE BYE DICKHEAD
Han sighed, waved back, then walked out of the cockpit.
*********
In airlock 32, Luke and ten Imperial recruits were pulling on
their pressure suits, preparing to go outside. "Alright boys, I'm
not gonna bullshit you," Luke said as he locked his helmet on.
"Most of you are probably gonna die out there, as that appears to
be the direction this saga is going in. You can at least take
heart in the fact that this galaxy is so uniquely fucked up that
there has to be some kind of cosmic deity controlling it all. Of
course he must be a sick motherfucker too, but...never mind." Luke
hit the intercom. "Ozzel? Now's your big chance."
Ozzel's voice came back over the speaker. "The tractor beam
is back online, Lord. They're not going anywhere."
Luke smiled. "The tractor beam makes everything else worth
it, doesn't it?" He turned to the recruits. "Alright, I'm
depressurizing and opening the airlock, so now would be a good time
for everybody to finish putting their gear on." He slammed the
depressurization button. Two of the slower recruits who hadn't
finished suiting up popped like corn kernels, painting the insides
of their helmets red. Thousands of blood droplets twinkled in the
airlock. Luke shool his head. "Christ, I counted slowly and
everything."
The airlock door slid open, revealing the bluish hull of the
Executor, extending outward in an enormous expanse of metal. Luke
stepped out, and began hiking in the direction of the Falcon, which
was about a hundred yards away. Luke scanned the cockpit window as
he approached, but none of the crew were in sight.
When they were within about 20 meters of the craft, Luke
motioned for the others to stay back. "Wait here. I'm going in
alone." When he reached the hull, he caressed it lovingly, then
began walking around the perimeter of the ship, looking for signs
of life. He unhooked his lightsaber from his belt.
*********
"This isn't going to work." Within the Falcon, Han Solo
crouched in the cockpit, looking at one of the exterior monitors.
It showed the Imperial boarding party, standing in a small group
away from the ship, shuffling their feet awkwardly. Solo nudged
Chewie, who lay next to him, his hairy paw gripping a remote
control signaller. "Alright, Shaggy, they've stopped. Now what?"
Chewie glanced at the monitor, then barked a quiet laugh.
"Raarraeehh." (Now we learn the value of a clogged waste unit.
Lucky you never got the hang of that plunger.) He pressed a button
on the remote control.
*********
On the underbelly of the Falcon, a small waste ejection pipe
surged into action. It vibrated for a moment, then blasted out a
fetid cloud consisting of several weeks worth of feces and urine,
all of which froze immediately upon contact with the vacuum.
Propelled at lethal speeds by the difference in pressure, it
created a razor sharp spray of solid effluent which hurtled toward
the unsuspecting boarding party.
Luke, who was safely behind the spray, blinked in
astonishment. Nearly the entire collection of recruits was wiped
out by the attack, their pressure suits ripped to shreds. Their
mangled, lifeless bodies spun off into the vacuum of space. Luke
sighed. "Shit. Well at least the Emperor doesn't have to write
the notification letters." Only two recruits remained, crouched on
the deck, too petrified to move.
The landing ramp abruptly dropped downward, nearly crushing
Luke underneath it. "Fuck!" He stumbled backwards, getting behind
the ramp.
Leia, clad in a stylish pastel pressure suit and helmet,
stepped out onto the hull, brandishing a blaster. With deadly
accuracy, she finished off the remaining recruits with two pinkish
salvos of laser bolts, sending their dismembered limbs flying off
into the void. Luke hid behind the ramp as Leia briefly admired
her handiwork, then went back inside. Then, silently, he followed
her up the gangway just before it closed.
Within the ship, Leia pulled off her helmet, then withdrew the
pins from her hair, letting it spill down. Luke stood behind her,
unnoticed. Han's voice echoed from the cockpit. "Well, your
highness, how did it go?"
Leia laughed. "Let's just say I'm glad I'm not writing the
notification letters. Now let's get the fuck out of here." She
briefly put her blaster down so she could take off her suit. Luke
immediately grabbed it, gripped her neck from behind, and shoved
the muzzle of the blaster into her mouth, stifling her cry.
He hissed in her ear. "Suck on that for a while, sis." He
kneed her in the stomach, doubling her over, then bashed the back
of her head with the blaster. She fell to the floor, unconscious.
Luke licked the bloody butt of the weapon and headed for the
cockpit.
Chewie was just getting up from the floor when a shot from
Luke's blaster struck him squarely in the belly. He roared in
agony, clutching at the blackened, sizzling hole in his fur.
"RAAARRGHH!!" (AAARRGHH!!)
Han spun around, saw Luke, and sized up the situation.
"Uh...Hey, kid. Thank God you're here. Look, kid, I'm sure you're
pissed off, and you have a right to be, but ah...the bitch
kidnapped me, right? Forced me to take her onboard, pilot the ship
all by myself, do all the repairs..." His explanation was cut
short by another blast from Luke's gun, which cut a hole in Han's
leg. He crashed to the floor, screaming.
Luke patted him on the head. "It's okay, Han, you don't have
to explain everything now." He straightened up, then noticed
Chewie, who was rapidly losing consciousness from his own blaster
wound. Luke scratched the fur on his head lovingly. "And don't
you worry, big fella. I've got people who can fix you."
*********
The banquet hall was laid out beautifully, with several dozen
menservants lining the room, ready to fulfill the smallest wish of
the diners. The table was nearly 10 meters long, decorated
lavishly with erotic ice sculptures. Luke sat at the head of the
table, finishing up his appetizer of raw oysters.
Han, Leia, and R2 also sat at the table. Leia, whose head was
bandaged, glared lethally at Luke, refusing to touch her food.
Luke winked at her. "Eat up, Leia. This is your last supper,
after all."
Several attendants swept into the banquet room, carrying an
enormous platter. They set it down in the center of the table.
Luke rubbed his hands in delight. "Ah, the entree." One of the
attendants whisked the cover off the platter, revealing an
exquisitely garnished, unusually large roast. They began cutting
slices and laying them in front of the diners.
Han cut off a morsel and ate it. "Mmm...not bad. What is
this, Triannii? Never tasted boiled cat like this before."
Leia threw her napkin on the table and pushed her plate away.
"Try boiled dog, you idiot. You're eating your co-pilot."
"Really?" Han examined the meat, then continued chewing. "I
always figured he'd be leaner."
Luke smiled at Leia, his mouth full. "Hey, sis. Don't look
know, but there's a wasp crawling on your arm."
"I'll kill it later," she declared icily, looking him in the
eyes. "Along with a few other parasites."
Luke put down his fork. "You know, bitch, you are a real
bring-down. Why can't you get into the spirit of this?"
"I'm not partial to Wookiee."
"That's not what I've heard. Look, cooking the thing was a
real pain in the ass, especially when it kept trying to crawl out
of the oven. Three of our best chefs were killed. I tried to make
this dinner as nice as I could, and you're pissing all over me.
Well fuck you very much." Luke stood up. "Guards!" Several
stormtroopers approached. "Take Punch and Judy to their cells.
Have the Imperial torturer get his shit together."
Han was unceremoniously dragged away from the table, still
chewing. "At least let me finish...Can I bag the rest of it?" The
guards wrested the fork from his hands, and carried him out of the
hall, along with Leia.
Luke surveyed the half-eaten meals. "That's the last time I
try to entertain."
R2, who had been watching quietly the whole time, slowly
rolled over to Luke, who watched him carefully. "Never thought I'd
see your rusty ass again."
"BLEEOOOP."
"What?"
"BLEEOOOP."
"Wait a second." Luke reached over and flicked a button on
R2's torso, converting his speech to understandable words. "I've
been meaning to ask you--how'd you get off the Death Star before it
blew? Did you have a premonition it was going to explode?"
"Are you kidding me?" R2 exclaimed, his voice sounding
strangely like a midget inside a trash can. "Shit like that tends
to follow you around. I got friendly with a tugboat operator and
shoved off the same day we arrived. After that I drifted around--
Commenor, Bestine, Etti IV, Wrigley's Pleasure Planet,
Dantooine..."
"You got to Dantooine? Hey, did you show Jabba my
screenwriting pitch?"
"Yup."
"What'd he think?"
"He thought it sucked."
"Tough business." Luke patted R2 on the head. "I bet you
think you've got 9 lives, don't you? Well I hate to break this to
you, but I'm gonna have you destroyed along with the others. Gotta
keep my character consistent, you know."
"I kinda figured that." Without warning, a tiny mechanical
syringe emerged from R2's body, filled with an orange fluid. It
plunged into Luke's wrist, injecting its contents.
Luke yanked his arm away. "Fuck! What was that?"
"Just a little something for your pimples."
Luke suddenly felt weak in the knees. He slipped back into
his chair, then experienced an incredible rush of pleasure which
lit up every nerve in his body like a supernova. His pupils
dilated immediately, and his jaw fell into a slack, childish grin.
"Ooohhh....Oooohhhh....Fuck me...What is this stuff?"
"That, Emperor Skywalker, is my guardian monkey, and he's
gonna be living on your back for a while. It's called Acnetrex.
It's supposed to clear up your skin, but Membrex had to take it off
the market when it was found to have certain...fringe benefits.
You are now addicted, and I'm the only supplier in the quadrant.
So I think you might want to grant me a stay of execution."
Luke fell out of his chair, drool running down his cheek.
"Sure, baby...it's all groovy...groovy baby, sure..."
*********
A pair of stormtroopers dragged Leia Organa down a seemingly
endless cellblock hallway. Her feet had been bound, Chinese-style,
her head shaved, and she wore a pair of viciously tight handcuffs.
The troopers opened the door to the cell, picked her up, and threw
her inside. "Rest easy, Princess," said the taller one as he
locked the door. "The garrison's having a barbecue later tonight,
and we plan on getting pretty smashed. When we come back, maybe
you'll be a little more enthusiastic." He closed the door.
Leia squirmed around on the floor, trying to take in her
surroundings. A single light fixture illuminated the cell weakly.
One corner was in complete darkness. A speaker in the ceiling
piped in elevator music at a level that was just a bit too loud.
With much effort, Leia managed to sit up.
A smooth, feminine voice drifted out from the darkened corner.
"Your bleeding has stopped."
Leia whipped her head around and peered into the darkness. As
her eyes adjusted, she could make out the form a figure sitting in
the corner. "Who are you? How do you know about my period?"
The figure stood up and stepped into the light. She was a
dignified-looking woman in her forties, wearing a tattered beige
robe. Her long, reddish hair was tangled and dirty. "I know many
things, Leia Organa."
Leia squinted at her. "Hey, don't I know you..."
"My name is Mon Mothma."
"That's right, you're..."
"Just about the only other woman with a speaking part in this
saga, that's right. I also used to head the Rebellion, before I
was captured. Do you know that you're the first human being I've
seen in 8 years?"
Leia sighed. "Did you really have to tell me that?"
"It's true."
"I'm sure it is, but did you have to say it? Now it's like,
since I'm the first person you've seen in 8 years, I have to be
really interesting or something. I suppose you'll be wanting to
have sex, too. You see the pressure you've put me under?"
"Calm yourself, Leia," Mothma purred, standing over her.
"You've lived with pressure your whole life. I understand.
Remember how quickly the boys discovered you? All those tedious,
sticky fumblings in the backseats of hovervans, when all you could
think about was..."
"Cut the shit, sister," Leia interrupted. "I know the score.
There are no guys around, so we don't have to be dainty. If you
wanna fuck, just say so."
Mothma looked at the floor, embarrassed. "I wanna fuck."
Leia nodded. "Fine." Before she could lie down, Mothma had
stripped and jumped on top of her. She ripped Leia's shirt open
and began sucking her nipples ravenously. Leia winced. "Slow
down, lady. We've got time." Mothma's tongue orbited her aureoles
in succession, coating Leia's breasts with saliva. She buried her
face between them, purring like a kitten. Her tongue left a
shining trail down Leia's stomach, until it reached her pants,
which Mothma unzipped and pulled off with considerable dexterity.
Leia admired her prowess. "I can see you've been rehearsing
this." Mothma grunted an affirmative before she pulled Leia's
panties down, exposing her somewhat sweaty patch of black pubic
hair. She thrust her face into it, catching the hairs in her teeth
and chewing them. With her fingers, she began vigorously rubbing
Leia's clitoris. Leia smiled. "Oh yeah, that's the spot."
Mothma wasted very little time getting to the cunnilingus.
Her long tongue alternately lashed and caressed Leia's labia.
Mothma only came up occasionally for breath, gazing darkly into
Leia's eyes and licking her lips before plunging her chin vulva-
ward. Leia writhed ecstatically--this was the best head she'd ever
received by a mile. "Oooh...oh, yes!" Her back arched like a
snake's as she gave increasingly boisterous vocal vent to her
pleasure. Soon the elevator music was all but drowned under an
avalanche of moans and cries. Mothma reared up and coughed, eyes
closed and chin dripping, using her right hand on Leia and her left
on herself.
"Remember, Leia," she cooed, "everything you need to destroy
the Empire is right here between your legs. Everything..."
Leia clamped her thighs together, embracing Mothma. "Less
talking! More licking!"
Mothma smiled. "I think you're ready for something special."
She spat on her fingers and rubbed them around Leia's vagina,
ensuring complete lubrication. Then she thrust her hand inside,
her fingers probing nearly into Leia's uterus.
Leia stopped moaning. "Uh, I don't mean to break your
concentration or anything, but there aren't even any nerves that
far in."
"Don't worry, dear. Just retrieving something." She pushed
in further, making Leia gasp, before she pulled her hand back out.
She held Leia's IUD between thumb and forefinger. "For what I'm
about to do, this can be a nuisance." She threw it aside.
"What are you going to do?" Leia asked, almost frightened.
"I'm going to expand your horizons," Mothma replied. She
began deliberately hyperventilating, saturating her lungs with air.
Finally, with her cheeks inflated and her face red, she lowered her
head back down to Leia's groin. Leia closed her eyes...
*********
For perhaps the tenth or eleventh time in his adult life, Han
Solo screamed like a baby. He was strapped into a model T-42 All-
Purpose Interrogation Recliner, being given the full treatment by
the head Imperial torturer in a dingy, dank cell. The torturer,
draped in a black robe, patted Han's head.
Han's eyes bulged in terror. "No! NOOO!!!!"
The torturer grinned cruelly and loaded another full stick of
Fleischmann's Margarine into the T-42's hydraulic force-feeder. He
deposited the wrapper in a trash can, where a dozen similar
wrappers had already been dumped. Metal clamps tightened on either
side of Solo's head, immobilizing it, while two more clamps pulled
his mouth open and pinched his nose.
Han struggled to talk with the clamps in his mouth.
"Aaarharaarrahhghgaaarrrr!!" (If you have a single atom of humanity
left in your black and evil soul, you'll desist right now!)
"Stop struggling, Solo. If you'll just be more cooperative,
maybe I'll give you a scrap of toast to go with it."
"AAAAGGGAGGRHRAA!!" (GOD WILL JUDGE YOU, YOU AVATAR OF HELL!!)
Inexorably, the force-feeder crammed the margarine into Han's
mouth. Tears streamed from his reddish eyes as he involuntarily
swallowed again...and again...and again.
Suddenly the doors to the cell opened, and Admiral Ozzel
strode in. The torturer glared at him, annoyed.
"With respect, Admiral, I'm not finished."
"Yes you are," Ozzel replied, meeting his gaze. "I'm
terminating the session."
"I'm following a direct Imperial order, Admiral. '6 hours of
purposeless gastro-intestinal torture.'"
Ozzel levelled a blaster at the torturer. "I'm altering the
orders. Now unstrap him."
The torturer, trembling with anger, reluctantly undid Solo's
bonds and let him slip to the floor.
"Now punch him in the stomach," Ozzel ordered.
The torturer hauled Han to his feet, then wound up and dealt
him a mighty punch to his bloated stomach. Han fell to his knees
and retched like a dying man, releasing a nauseating yellow torrent
of half-digested margarine. As soon as his stomach had emptied,
Han slowly stood up, wiped his chin, and addressed Ozzel.
"Can I borrow your blaster for a second?" He took the weapon
from Ozzel, then turned to the torturer, whose eyes widened in
terror. Han kicked him in the testicles, dropping him to the
ground, then grabbed him from behind. With the skill that comes
with experience, he yanked the torturer's pants down, and jammed
the muzzle of the blaster deep into his rectum.
"Aaahh!" The torturer's eyes bulged. "Nooo...!"
His cry was cut short as Han, his face contorted into a
Satanic mask of rage, squeezed the trigger. The laser exploded
through the torturer's body, leaving a smoking, bloody hole in the
front where his genitals had hung a moment before. Han kept firing
until the body stopped twitching.
He yanked the blaster out, wiped it off with the torturer's
robe, and handed it back to Ozzel. "Sorry about the mess. Who are
you?"
"A friend," Ozzel replied. "I represent a group of Imperial
officers who've become disheartened by the way things have been
going. Skywalker is a lunatic, and we're dedicated to his
destruction. His leadership is a sick tree and it needs to be torn
up by the roots before the true glory of the Republic can be
realized."
"So you're rebelling against the Empire?"
"Pretty much. Would you like to join us?"
"Sure. So what's the plan?"
"You and that Princess are our only hope. You've achieved
something of a celebrity status in the outer quadrants. If you can
escape, you'd be an inspiration to others, and a new Rebellion can
rise from the ashes of the old. We're going to help you rescue the
Princess and escape."
"Do I absolutely have to rescue her?"
"I'm afraid so. The Millennium Falcon is in hangar 18. We've
fixed the hyperdrive, and I'll make sure the tractor beam is
offline. We've had an upgraded operating system installed on your
ship. It's the latest thing. The manuals are onboard."
"Fine. You know, I admire you, Admiral--staying here
selflessly, dedicated to the liberation of the galaxy."
Ozzel laughed. "Fuck the galaxy. You think I want to spend
another second on this deathtrap? I'm coming with you."
*********
When the last waves of her fourth orgasm finished rocking her
exhausted, soaked body, Leia fell back on the floor. "My God," she
said, between breaths, "Where did you learn that?"
Mothma sat back contentedly, licking her fingers. "Many
Bothans died to bring me that information. So Leia, do you think
you're ready to ah..." Mothma casually pointed to her groin.
"I guess so," Leia said cautiously.
"Don't worry. I'll help you." Mothma crawled forward like a
crab, depositing her vagina (yawning open like an expectant mouth)
under Leia's chin. Leia leaned forward, spat on it, and grinned.
"Here goes nothing."
Before she had even taken her first lick, the door to the cell
whooshed open. Luke Skywalker strode in, his deactivated
lightsaber held at the ready. The door closed behind him.
"Oh, now isn't that cute?" Luke inquired mockingly. "Didn't
I tell you you'd be hungry after skipping dinner?"
"Look Luke," Leia replied, irritated, "I know you're Emperor
and everything, and I'm supposed to die soon, but could you come
back in about 15 minutes?" Then she noticed Luke's eyes, which
were bloodshot. "Are you strung out on something?"
Mothma stood up. She faced Luke, nude and defiant. "Your
evil can't last Skywalker. Your Empire may have imprisoned me, but
you'll never imprison the human spirit."
"Don't be so sure," Luke replied, readying his saber. "I've
got our best scientists working on it and we're close to a
breakthrough. Anyhow Mothma, my sister and I would like some
privacy, so..." Luke lunged forward in mid-sentence, ignited his
saber, and whipped it in a circular, propeller-like motion. Hot
blood sprayed on the cell wall. Mothma's breasts fell to the
floor, looking like two overripe pink grapefruit halves. She
dropped to her knees, blood pouring from the two gaping holes in
her chest.
Luke leaned over and picked up one of the severed glands.
"How do you like that, sis? They're real." He threw it aside with
a sneer, then knelt in front of Mothma, who was breathing her last.
"Funny thing is, Moth--they never locked the door. You could have
left the cell any time you wanted. Now what was that you were
saying about the 'human spirit?'" Mothma gaped in horror, then
pitched forward, dead.
Luke turned off his saber, wiped the blood from his face, and
started unbuckling his pants. "Alright, let's get to it."
Leia stared at Mothma's body, devastated. "Do you have any
idea what you just did?"
"Wait, don't tell me...Something bad, right?" Luke slipped
off his underwear and began stroking his mechanical penis, which
was being somewhat uncooperative. It was getting hard, then soft
in 3 second intervals. "Come on, dammit." He twisted it around.
Leia snickered. "That dick wasn't everything you hoped for,
was it? Common problem."
"Shut up! It does this sometimes. Just needs a
good...whack!" He twisted his pelvis, slamming his penis into the
wall. Finally it began to function properly, growing to a
comfortable nine inches. Luke mounted Leia, whose bonds prevented
her from throwing him off. After a few near-misses, he jammed his
cock into her. She lay as motionless as a corpse, putting up with
the rather unpleasant sensations. She turned her head to the side,
not wanting to look at Luke. Something tiny gleamed in the corner.
She focused her eyes on it, then realized with horror what it was--
her discarded IUD. She gasped.
Luke struggled to keep his eyes focused. He was beginning to
sweat profusely, and yet despite the warmth of Leia's vagina, his
extremities were becoming increasingly cold--a sign of Acnetrex
withdrawal. His thoughts drifted to R2 and his magic syringe.
With each rocking motion, Leia tried to shift their bodies
closer to the corner where her IUD lay. Luke became conscious of
the motion and gave her a sharp slap. "Hey, what are you doing?
This isn't a roller derby. Stay put." He continued to poke,
fighting his way to orgasm through an increasingly thick haze of
junk sickness. He coughed a rope of phlegm into Leia's face.
She didn't notice. The IUD was too far away, she'd never
reach it in time. And even if she did, she'd never be able to
insert it. Her mind raced for an alternative. She couldn't bear
the thought of bringing her brother's progeny into the world.
"Hey, uh, Luke. Uh...Let me suck it."
Luke coughed again, his focus slipping. "Ughh...what?"
"I want to suck it. Please let me suck it." She mustered her
best 'fuck-me' voice. "You're right, I missed it. I missed the
taste of your beautiful cock. I never told you how much I loved
having you in my mouth. Please Luke, let me taste it one last
time. I want to feel your come slide down my throat. I want to
swallow it all. Oh God, please!"
"Whaaa..." Luke felt as if his whole body was covered with
spiders made of ice. He could barely register Leia's voice.
"Dammit!" Leia head-butted him, trying to bring him back.
"Will you stick your fucking cock in my mouth, please!"
Just then, the door slid open. Two stormtroopers walked in.
One of them immediately grabbed Luke from behind and tried to pull
him out of Leia. The extra sensation proved enough to jump-start
Luke's hypothalamus. With a sickly grunt, he ejaculated into his
weary sister. The trooper finally wrenched him out and threw him
backwards onto Mothma's corpse. Luke lay in a daze, his penis
still standing up like a flagpole.
Leia, who had registered Luke's orgasm, sighed. "Too little,
too late." She looked at her near-saviors. "What are you,
mutineers?"
"Cool it, your worship," the trooper replied. "It's me, Han.
We're getting out of here. But we gotta do it quiet-like." With
a grunt, he hoisted Leia onto his back.
"What about the Emperor?" she shot back, dangling over Han's
shoulder. "We can't just leave him here alive."
"There are troops all over the cell-block. We've got to make
this look like a routine prisoner transfer."
"But I wanna kill him!"
Still on top of Mothma, Luke shivered and babbled.
"Ugghh...R2...Utapau...special edition..."
"Ssshh!" Han hissed at Leia. "There'll be another time."
"Okay." Leia paused for two seconds. "How about now?!"
"Will you be quiet?" Han groaned through clenched teeth.
"Fuck you!"
The other stormtrooper produced a gag from his utility belt.
He smoothly slipped it over Leia's mouth, silencing her. Solo
nodded at him. "Thanks, man. Where have you been all my life?"
*********
The three escapees moved stealthily down a corridor, passing
through a series of pre-arranged checkpoints. Leia, who was now
able to walk after having her foot bindings removed, finally
managed to chew her way through her gag. "Look Solo, I don't how
you arranged this, but from now on I'm in charge."
Han chuckled. "Look, your Worshipfulness, I take orders from
exactly three people--Me, my mother, and this other guy you've
never met. Since neither of those two are around, I'm calling the
shots here, so just shut up and let me find a way out of this..."
The other stormtrooper broke in. "Solo, you couldn't find
your dick with two hands and a map. I'm conducting this
orchestra."
"Who are you?" Leia snapped.
"My name's Ozzel. I represent a group of Imperial officers
who've become disheartened..."
"Skip it," Leia said. "So what's our plan?"
"We're just a few decks away from the hangar where your ship
is kept. The hyperdrive has been restored, and the tractor beam
deactivated."
"Great." Leia scanned the hallway in both directions. There
was no one in sight. "You know, this ship is rather conveniently
empty."
"A lot of the troops are at some kind of barbecue," Ozzel
answered. "And most of the officers stay away from this level.
Anything below AA22 isn't fashionable enough."
When they rounded the next corner, to Ozzel's surprise, they
were suddenly face to face with a small detail of armed
stormtroopers. For a moment, both groups simply stared at each
other. Then the troopers began shouting the standard lines they'd
been forced to rehearse in boot camp:
"Stop, Rebel scum!"
"You're not authorized in this area!"
"Halt! You are in violation of..."
Ozzel interrupted their declarations with a shot from his
blaster. One of the troopers' chests exploded, and he fell to the
deck. The others turned and ran. Ozzel screamed and charged after
them. He yelled over his shoulder to Han and Leia: "Get back to
the ship!"
When they were out of sight, Leia sneered derisively at Han.
"Well, he certainly has courage."
Han stammered. "Well...what good is courage if you're not
around to use it?"
*********
Luke, still groggy after having been revived by a medic with
a stim-shot, stood on the bridge. Although it kept him coherent,
the shot was wearing off, and the aching cold burn of Acnetrex
sickness was returning. He needed R2. With his neck draped in a
towel, he shivered and stared out the observation window at the
Imperial fleet. "Report!" he barked.
One of the officers stepped forward. "They've been found,
Lord. They appear to have split up..."
"Not the Rebels, fuckhead, the R2 unit! Where is it?!"
"Oh, that. Yes, well we're still working on that."
"Well work faster, motherfucker!"
*********
Han and Leia sprinted down a hallway with several
stormtroopers in pursuit. Periodically, Leia would turn and spit
laser fire at them, howling like a banshee. "Authorize this,
asshole!!" She crouched against a wall and sent a barrage of red
beams through the smoke-filled hall.
Han grabbed her shoulder. "Come on, bitch, if we don't keep
moving we're done for!"
"Oh, gimme a fuckin' break," She yelled back, jerking her
shoulder away. "Have you ever seen a stormtrooper kill anyone?"
"Well, no, but..."
"Then lighten up. They're about as dangerous as an autistic
kindergarten class. I just want to zap a couple more..."
Han grabbed her hair and yanked her down the hallway. She
yowled in protest, but followed anyhow. They kept running, with
the cries of the troopers echoing ever closer.
("...Stop, Rebel scum! Surrender immediately!...")
They rounded a corner and were confronted by a large blast
door. Han punched the control panel and it flew open. He stepped
forward and nearly fell into an apparently bottomless shaft on the
other side of the door. They both stepped onto a small ledge, then
closed the door behind them, cutting off their attackers.
"Shit!" Han exclaimed, his voice echoing in the abyss. "Just
once I'd like to find an Imperial ship without one of these. Where
are the controls that extend the bridge?"
"You can't extend the bridge, you moron," Leia replied. "It's
designed that way. A bridge would defeat the purpose of the pit."
She looked around, then found what she needed--a small recess in
the wall, covered with glass. On the glass was emblazoned--IN CASE
OF BRIDGE MALFUNCTION (WINK, WINK), BREAK GLASS. Behind the glass
was a rocket propelled hook-and-cable. She smashed the glass with
her fist, pulled out the device, and fired it at the rafters. The
hook shot out and wrapped around a pipe. She pulled it taut.
"How did you know to do all that?" Han asked.
"The Discovery Channel." She attached the cable to her belt
and wound it around her wrist. "Grab on to me."
Han grabbed her from behind, and gave both of her breasts a
playful squeeze. "For luck," he explained. Leia shook her head
and swung off the edge...
*********
"R2! Why have you forsaken me?!" Luke was curled into a
fetal position on the floor, shaking.
An imperial aide crouched down next to him. "Lord, I regret
to report that the rebels still haven't been..."
Luke grabbed the aide's collar, pulled him to the floor, and
hissed into his ear. "Lis...listen to me, you fuck! To hell with
the rebels. I want all personnel assigned to finding that droid!
All personnel, do you hear me?"
"Uh...all of them, Lord?"
"EVERYONE!!"
*********
Han and Leia crouched in a doorway, peeking into a large
hangar. The Millennium Falcon sat quietly, looking no worse for
wear. They only had one obstacle left--the horde of stormtroopers
guarding it.
"Now what, your highness?" Han whispered sarcastically. "Do
we just wait for them to leave?"
Then, for no apparent reason, all the stormtroopers suddenly
trotted out of the hangar, leaving the Falcon completely unguarded.
Leia glanced at Han.
"Just shut up," Han muttered. They sprinted across the hangar
and up the Falcon's open landing ramp. When they reached the
cockpit, they looked out the window and noticed a commotion
outside. The troops who had just left were now being forced back
into the hangar. Laser blasts illuminated the bay. "What the
fuck's going on?" Han sputtered.
Leia shrugged. "Who gives a shit? I just hope your boys got
that tractor beam out of commission or this is gonna be a real
short trip."
Han grabbed her arm. "Wait." He peered out the window.
"It's Ozzel!"
Ozzel, who had discarded his stormtrooper suit, was blasting
a swath through the troopers. He appeared to have suffered
multiple wounds, and his grey admiral's outfit hung on his scarred
body in bloody tatters. Screaming defiantly, he fired shot after
shot, killing everyone in his path and slowly working his way to
the Falcon.
Leia tried to pull Han's arm away. "Fuck him, Solo. He knew
the risks going in. We've got to leave."
Han ran aft. Leia shook her head and pressed the button that
raised the ramp.
Han stood at the entranceway and cheered Ozzel on. The ramp
was already going up. "Run, Ozzie, run!"
Ozzel noticed him, dropped his blaster, and began running as
fast as his legs could carry him. "I'm coming!" The troopers
rained fire on him mercilessly. Most of their shots missed (these
were stormtroopers, after all), but a few landed, knocking Ozzel to
the floor. Suffering hit after hit, he somehow managed to get back
up and continue running, as if in slow motion.
Han felt the engines on the Falcon roar to life. The ramp was
now halfway closed. "Hurry up, Ozzie! You're gonna be a permanent
resident!"
Staying just a few feet ahead of the advancing troops, Ozzel
finally reached the ramp, which was nearly closed. He launched
himself heroically and landed on the ramp's edge, with his lower
torso still dangling in the air. Han grabbed his arm and began
pulling. "You made it, baby, you..." Then Han realized he wasn't
strong enough to pull Ozzel up the rest of the way. "Uh oh."
"Solo!" Ozzel cried, realizing his fate. "YOU FUCKING PUSSY-
ASSED SONOFA..." His words were replaced by gouts of blood as the
ramp closed on him. His ribcage was audibly crushed, and after a
few more awkward, nauseating seconds, his entire upper body was
severed as the ramp finished closing. Han fell backward. "Oh
man, that is disgusting." Ozzel's lifeless eyes stared into his,
and his hand was still folded around Han's in a vice-like
deathgrip. Han got up and tried to move away, but the torso still
clung to him, spilling blood and entrails onto the floor as it was
dragged along. "Shit!" Finally he had to smash the hand against
a bulkhead, breaking the knuckles. He peeled the fingers back one
by one and got himself loose.
In the cockpit, Leia was making the final preparations to lift
off. The stormtroopers outside hadn't quite grasped the situation
yet, and were milling around outside, pointing quizzically at Leia
and shrugging. She registered Solo's presence behind her.
"Did Ozzel make it on board?"
"Well...yes and no."
"What does that mean?"
Han sighed and dropped morosely into the co-pilot's chair.
"It means one thing's for sure--He's a lot shorter. Let's just
leave this party, huh?"
"Fine by me." Leia kicked in the thrusters, easing the Falcon
out of the hangar and into open space.
*********
On the bridge, the turbolift opened, and a group of four
stormtroopers ran in. Hoisted above their heads was R2, who was
howling in protest.
"Come on, you bastards, put me down!"
Unable to carry him any longer, they threw him to the deck and
began rolling him toward Luke, who was struggling to lift his head.
Finally the troopers righted R2 in front of him. Luke banged his
forearm against R2's torso. "Come on...come on..."
R2 extended his syringe toward Luke's arm, which was shaking
so much he couldn't hit a vein. He stabbed the arm several times
with no success. Luke didn't even notice. Then finally the needle
struck pay dirt--blood shot up into the syringe, mixing with the
Acnetrex. R2 squirted the concoction into Luke's arm.
Luke's sickness evaporated immediately, and was replaced by a
mild nausea. But the expected rush of pleasure never arrived.
"Hey," Luke exclaimed. "Why aren't I drooling deliriously with
happiness?"
R2 laughed. "Shit, Skywalker, that only happens the first
time. From now on the only effect will be to stave off the agony
of withdrawal for increasingly short periods. It's already doing
wonders for your complexion, though."
*********
Back on the Falcon, Leia suddenly remembered her uterine
predicament. The thought of Luke's child inside her filled her
with disgust. She got out of the pilot's chair. Han looked at
her, perplexed.
"Where are you going?"
Leia rubbed her groin anxiously. "I'm gonna go exercise my
right to choose. Where are the medical supplies?"
"In the fridge next to the chessboard. Look, sister...I admit
it--I don't know a fuckin' thing about the ship, so I..."
Leia picked up a stack of manuals and dumped them onto Han's
lap. "Start cramming. I've gotta practice some retroactive safe
sex." She rushed out of the cockpit.
Han shifted himself into the pilot's chair and stared blankly
at the navicomputer's screen. It displayed an ornate 'M' logo,
along with a number of obscure icons. He shuffled through the
manuals, stopping on the thinnest one. Its cover featured a
colorful picture of a beautiful woman piloting a space ship. Above
were the words: 'INTRODUCING MONTROSS 59 (ver. 234.111).' Han
opened to the first page:
WELCOME
Welcome to the Membrex Montross 59 Novanautical
Operating System. With Montross 59, all the things you do
with your Montross-compatible spacecraft now will be easier
and faster, and what you've always wanted to do is now
possible. In fact, we're so smart we already know what
you've always wanted to do, so we've done it for you already.
Think of the convenience!
MONTROSS IS GOOD
This book introduces you to Montross and gets you up and
running quickly. It will explain how Montross is the
greatest endeavor in the history of intelligent life. It
will explain how you've always needed Montross, even though
you weren't necessarily aware of it. It will demonstrate how
Montross is all you really need for a happy, fulfilling life.
TRUST MONTROSS
Montross is an absolute good. Montross is life. Give
yourself to Montross. Trust Montross. Montross is good...
*********
Luke leaned over the tractor beam operator. "Now listen, boy.
I don't want to have to re-staff this position again. Understand?"
"Yes, sir." The operator hit a few buttons on his panel, then
stared blankly at his screen. "Uh..."
Luke leaned in. "'Uh,' what?"
"The tractor..." The operator was already on the verge of
tears. "The tractor beam is..."
"Off-line?"
"Yes!" the operator burst out crying.
Luke shook his head. "How ironic that a person's life, and
the lives of his family, should hinge on the caprices of a computer
program. Almost makes me sad." He snapped his fingers, and two
guards approached. "Have 'em rounded up, anointed and put in the
aft airlock. You know the drill." The operator was dragged away,
whimpering.
Luke thought for a moment. "Fuck it. I was just gonna kill
'em anyway. We've got an ion cannon on this thing, don't we?"
*********
Leia yanked the fridge open and pulled out its contents. She
quickly found what she was looking for--The Membrex 14 Choice
Actuator Kit. She quickly read the back cover:
YOU ARE WOMAN
And boy can you roar! You're on the move, wheeling,
dealing, and living the good life. But all of us can make
mistakes...and that's where the Membrex Feterm 14 Choice
Actuator Kit comes in! Trust Feterm. Feterm is good...
Leia skipped the rest and examined the equipment. It appeared
to be pretty self-explanatory: There was a comfortable-looking
nozzle, a hose, and a small vacuum with a disposable bag on it
marked, 'LIFESTYLE HAZARD - DISCARD IMMEDIATELY.' It was a bit
more elaborate than what she needed, but it would do. Leia
unzipped her pants, pulled them down, and fitted the nozzle into
her vagina.
"Okay, junior. Here are your walking papers." She reached
for the switch on the vacuum...then hesitated. The words of Mon
Mothma echoed through her head:
"...Remember Leia, everything you need to destroy the Empire
is right here between your legs. Everything..."
Leia thought for a moment, then pulled the nozzle out. She
zipped up her pants and stood up. "Aw, what the hell. Maybe she
was onto something." She smiled to herself, formulating a long-
term plan. "You might just come in useful, junior." She patted
her stomach.
Meanwhile, back in the cockpit, Han was fighting for his life.
The Imperial fleet was mobilizing a blockade, and enemy fighters
were registering on his scopes in all directions.
"That program group isn't even there! How can I click on it
when it's not fuckin' there!" He moved the mouse manically,
clicking on every icon he could find, looking for the hyperdrive
system. He browsed successive menus, searching desperately--Power
Manager, Schedule Creator, Waste Management Browser, Clothing
Coordinator, Interpersonal Relationship Manager...
Finally, he found something that looked promising--Propulsion
Manager. He clicked on it, then scanned the new window. In the
corner, barely visible, was a tiny icon depicting a hurtling rocket
superimposed over a tilted lightcone--The Hyperdrive Program. Han
laughed with glee and double clicked on it...
-------------------------------------
Warning: Cannot find
'VBHPYER.DLL'
Check to insure path and
filename are correct.
-------------------------------------
Han stared at the screen, mouth agape, not believing his eyes.
The Falcon lurched as an approaching TIE fighter scored a direct
hit on the back quarter.
*********
Luke sat at the ion cannon fire control, grinning like a
child in an ice cream store. On the screen in front of him, the
targeting computer displayed a series of receding blips. He pushed
a small joystick back and forth, letting the crosshairs rove over
the targets. The imperial aide spoke cautiously.
"Lord Skywalker, if you fire now, you'll take out half the
fleet along with them."
Luke sighed. "I believe the operative words there are, 'along
with them.'" He turned back to the screen. His finger hovered
over the trigger...
*********
The Falcon was rapidly coming apart under the hail of enemy
fire. Leia stumbled down the corridor and into the cockpit.
"Christ, I leave for five minutes, and we're done for."
"Shut up!" Han screamed. "I'm thinking!"
"You're just sitting there. Here, let me..."
"NO!!" Han pushed Leia away. "I have to do this! Either I
come up with a plan myself, or we die!"
"Well, what's your plan, hotshot?"
"My plan is...I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING PLAN!! WE'RE GONNA
FUCKING DIE!!" He screamed in rage and despair, then brought his
fist down on the console as hard as he could. He buried his head
in his hands and wept. "I'm so stupid...so fuckin' stupid..."
"Hey, genius," Leia nudged him. "Look." Han lifted his head
and looked at the screen. The Montross background had disappeared,
jolted by his slamming the console. The screen was entirely black
except for one line:
MONTROSS 59 DE-INSTALLING...
Han watched in amazement as the navicomputer hummed and groaned.
Then, abruptly, a waiting prompt and cursor appeared:
FALCON>
Han peered at the word. "Wait...this looks familiar." Very
slowly, he typed: GO
The system replied: HOW FAST?
He typed: REAL FAST
The system: WHERE TO?
Han: ANYWHERE
The system: ENGAGING HYPERDRIVE. PLEASE WAIT...
After a few moments, the engines roared. Everyone fell
backwards. The stars stretched...
*********
"Lord!" the imperial aide yelled, listening to his headset.
"Can't talk. Almost there..." Luke pressed the trigger. The
windows on the bridge were lit up with a tremendous green flash, as
an unimaginable bolt of energy surged out of the ion cannon and
flashed into the void, cutting an enormous swath of destruction
through the scrambling Imperial fleet. Star Destroyers burst like
supernovas. Luke sat back, cracked his knuckles, and smiled.
"Han...Leia...we had a time, didn't we?" He turned to his
aide. "What were you going to tell me?"
"Uh...nothing."
"Come on, I'm in a good mood. Don't worry."
"Well, Lord," the aide whispered nervously, "apparently the
rebel ship escaped into hyperspace."
Luke stared at him for a moment. His face remained
expressionless. "I admire your honesty. Oh, well." Luke got up,
faced the terrified crew, and shrugged. "What the fuck. These
things happen, right?" He walked slowly, methodically, over to the
main window, and surveyed the wreckage of the fleet. "Which ships
did we lose?"
"The reports are coming in now," the aide replied, listening
to his headset. "Several star destroyers...The Avenger, The
Eliminator, The Havoc-Wreaker, The Contaminator..."
"Anything else?"
"Three hospital ships...7 food storage tankers...the gambling
barge...the nursery school cruiser...the prostitution frigate...and
that ship that held nothing but puppies and kittens."
Luke closed his eyes and put his hands to his temples. His
forehead was turning red. Anger rose in him like corrosive bile.
He gritted his teeth, bit the inside of his cheeks, threw back his
head, and screamed.
"FFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!" With the dark side of the Force
flowing like it had never flowed before, Luke lashed out blindly
with his mind, striking down every living thing within his power.
The bridge crew began to gasp and reach for their throats. Luke
curled into a shaking ball as every man in the room suffocated to
death. When the last of them had fallen, Luke slowly looked up.
Only R2 had survived.
Luke shook his head. "Whew. I feel better now. Goddamn, it
finally worked. I almost wish my dad was here." He stood up,
dusted himself off, and went to the nearest intercom. "Personnel,
this is Skywalker. We're gonna need a new bridge crew up here on
the double." He waited for a response, but none came. "Hello?
Hello? Somebody answer! Oh, shit..."
He walked over to the nearest console, and punched up the
ship's surveillance cameras. As he brought up different camera
feeds from all over the ship, the scene was the same--bodies piled
on top of each other, each one with its hand at its throat. Luke
sat back in his chair and whistled. "Damn. The Force is stronger
in me than I thought." He slumped in his chair, contemplating his
situation. "I'm gonna miss my coronation if I don't get to Endor
soon. Hey R2, can you pilot this thing?"
R2 turned and headed for the nearest turbolift. "I'm not
gonna fuck with that operating system. I gave up S&M years ago."
"Well, I don't know how to do it."
"Well you should've thought of that before." R2 wheeled into
the lift, and his head swiveled around to face Luke. "When you
need your next hit, I'll be in the oil sauna. Knock first. In the
meantime, you want my advice?--Crack open the manuals. They'll
explain everything." His red eye winked mockingly as the lift
doors closed.
--------------------------------------------------
STAR WHORES 9: ENDORDAMMERUNG
or THE WET & WILD SIDE OF THE FORCE
by Jefferson Morris (jfmorris@capaccess.org)
(copyrights infringed, 1996)
EPISODE IX
In the twenty years following LORD SKYWALKER'S
official coronation, an unimaginably vast
Imperial bureaucracy has spread like the clap,
burning the entire galaxy...
Aboard the recently-completed, supermassive
DEATH STAR PRIME, Skywalker is preparing to
unleash the IMPERIAL REVENUE FLEET, which is
poised to commit the economic equivalent of
anal rape on every star system within a
100,000 light-year radius...
But little does Skywalker know that PRINCESS
LEIA has given birth to Luke's son, JACK, who
is now 20. Aboard her personal cosmetic
frigate, Leia briefs Jack about his role in
the upcoming rebel assault, while recuperating
from having her tits lifted (again)...
*********
With a languorous swagger, Princess Leia Organa entered her
personal oil bath chamber aboard the rebel frigate Vixen. Although
she had recently celebrated her 43rd birthday, hundreds of hours
under the vibro-scalpels and dermalasers of captured Imperial
plastic surgeons had rendered the passing of years virtually
unnoticeable. Looking radiant, with a single streak of silver in
her otherwise raven-colored hair, she smiled.
"Jack, my lovely, clever boy."
Standing in the middle of the bath, nude and dripping, was
Jack Organa, Leia and Luke's son. Jack pulled a wet swatch of
blondish hair away from his angelically innocent face and smiled
back. "Hello, mother. How did it go?"
Leia pulled her post-surgical robe from her shoulders,
exposing a magnificent pair of newly-lifted breasts. "You be the
judge."
Jack's eyes widened. "An engineering triumph!" He beamed
happily.
Leia cupped the back of his head and pulled him down to her
bosom. "Try them." She brought his head down to her left breast,
and be began dutifully sucking her still-tender nipple. Leia
sighed with pleasurable anticipation as she began rubbing oil over
Jack's shoulders.
"Mmm, mmm..." Jack grimaced, then let go of her nipple and
spat blood into his hand. "Yuck."
Leia smiled and pulled his head back down. "A little
hemorrhaging is normal. It's like a mustard bottle, you've gotta
squeeze it a bit before you get the good stuff." Jack resumed
suckling, and was soon swallowing contentedly.
"You know, Jack, this day will go down in history. April
14th--the day the rebellion rose from its ashes and ended the
tyranny of the Empire. And your name will be in the history books,
too--as the greatest perpetrator of patricide since, since...you
know, whatshisname."
"But I know there's good in him, mother."
Leia sighed. "You haven't been reading those Jedi pamphlets
again, have you? Fucking bald-headed weirdos." She dropped to her
knees, and began rubbing the oil on Jack's buttocks.
"You shouldn't talk about them that way, mother," Jack
declared. "The new Jedi movement isn't like the one you grew up
with. The new Jedi uses the Force for knowledge, defense,
compassion, and food preparation. Never for attack. My father
just needs the one thing he's never gotten from anyone--love."
Leia twisted one of Jack's testicles. He groaned and fell to
his knees. "Look, you little bastard, if Skywalker survives, this
attack will go down in history as a landmark battle in the struggle
for Jack Shit."
Jack choked back tears, clutching his nuts. "But...why me?"
"Because I hate him more than I love you, okay? We've sent in
hundreds of assassins to take him out, and they've all failed."
She laughed grimly. "Hell, half the factions in the Empire want
him dead too. The Bluedog Imperials have been making attempts for
years. It's a fucking joke now. I hear he's even given them their
own office. Only you might be able to get his guard down. You are
our last hope." Leia sighed. "Now hit the showers. Later on
mommy will tuck you in and see how clean you are."
"Yes, mother." Jack shuffled away.
Leia looked after him and shook her head. "Pussy."
*********
In the lecture hall of the Vixen, all the rebel commanders
were assembled and waiting for the pre-assault debriefing. From
the front row, Leia turned to the group and whistled. "Alright,
ladies, this is it. The entire Imperial revenue fleet is assembled
and the time for our attack has come." She faced the lectern and
sat down. "Okay, fish-face."
Admiral Ackbar, standing in front of a chalkboard, blinked at
Leia momentarily with his enormous, protruding yellow eyes, then
cleared his throat and addressed the assembly. "Uh...okay. We had
some problems with the holo-projector, so there won't be any pretty
graphics with things blowing up." Murmurs of distress spread
through the hall. Ackbar held up his hands. "Alright, I know, I'm
disappointed too." On the chalkboard, he began drawing a series of
crude circles--a large central circle, being orbited by nine other,
smaller circles.
"Okay, the big one is Death Star Prime. That's our main
target. It's so big, it's actually orbited by the forest moon of
Endor. Further out in orbit are other smaller Death Stars--DS two
through nine--which act as a perimeter defense. General Madine?"
Madine, who was sitting in the front row, bored, looked up.
"What?"
"You're up."
"Oh," Madine yawned, got up, and walked to the chalkboard,
taking the chalk from Ackbar. He drew a fuzzy border around Death
Star Prime. "So here's the shield. And uh, it's generated from
the forest moon. We jacked an Imperial shuttle and stole a
security code, so a strike team is going to go down and deactivate
the shield. Once it's down, as long as the Imperial engineers have
maintained their usual standard of incompetence, our fighters will
probably be able to find a hole somewhere, fly in, and blow the
fuckin' thing up." Madine picked up an eraser and rubbed out Death
Star Prime. "Ka-boom. Oh, and uh, many Bothans died, etc. etc."
*********
In the middle of a lush grove on Endor, two Imperial troopers,
Pvt. Wilkes and Pvt. Barnes, anxiously fiddled with their armor,
trying to relieve themselves. Wilkes was having no luck with his
codpiece. "I'm just gonna have to piss myself if I can't get this
thing off."
"Don't do it, your suit'll short," Barnes replied, opening a
flap on the back of his pants and squatting down. "I've lost too
many friends that way. So, uh...did you hear about the newlyweds
who couldn't tell the difference between Plastoid and K-Y?"
"Yeah, all the heat shields on their honeymoon shuttle fell
off." Wilkes finally pulled his codpiece off and peered up through
the canopy of trees as he began urinating. Blotting out a huge
portion of sky was the unimaginably vast grey sphere of Death Star
Prime. "Man, I hear they've got the finest whores in the galaxy on
DS Prime. What have we got?" Wilkes picked up his codpiece and
tried to replace it.
"A big pile of nothing," Barnes muttered back. "The other day
I got so horny I fucked a knothole in a tree."
"You call that horny?" Wilkes smiled ruefully. "Last night
I was so desperate I jerked off over your bunk and came in your
hair while you were asleep."
"I wish you hadn't told me that."
Just then a blood-curdling howl echoed from the trees,
drowning out every other noise in the ecosystem. Wilkes dropped
into a crouch and drew his blaster immediately. "We got teddy
bears in the perimeter."
Barnes did likewise. "How many?"
"Can't tell."
"Did you really come in my hair? That's pretty disgusting."
"Ssshhh! Their vision is based on movement."
"Do bowel movements count?"
There was a rustling in the bushes about 20 feet in front of
them. Wilkes peered at it, aiming his blaster. Slowly, the short,
furry shape of an ewok appeared. Its huge, glassy eyes glittered
as it waddled adorably through the brush, carrying a crude spear.
Wilkes smiled coldly and steadied his aim. He squeezed off a
single shot which streaked through the grove and exploded on the
ewok's chest. It howled and fell out of sight.
"Ha!" Wilkes stood up and twirled his pistol. "See ya,
Paddington. We're gonna eat good tonight."
Barnes stood up. "It was kind of cute."
"It'll be a lot cuter when it's cooked to a succulent golden
brown. Fire up your bike. I'll grab dinner."
Barnes holstered his blaster. "So why my hair?"
"We'll discuss it later." Wilkes waded through the
undergrowth until he had reached the spot where the creature had
fallen. It was nowhere to be found. "Must've just wounded the
fucker. But he can't have gotten far." He walked further into the
flora, disappearing from Barnes' view.
Barnes froze in terror when a terrible din erupted from the
bushes, sounding like a thousand ravenous howlrunners running wild
in a day care center. The reeds thrashed back and forth, and soon
the mangled remains of Wilkes' dismembered body were being thrown
into the air.
"Shit!" Barnes jumped onto his bike and pressed the thruster
pedals just as a section of Wilkes' intestines landed around his
neck. He zoomed out of the grove at top speed, barely avoiding the
tree trunks. When the sounds had faded in the distance, he heaved
a sigh of relief. "Whew. Poor bastard." He slowed the speeder
down slightly and shook his head. "I can't believe he came in my
hair without..."
A second too late, Barnes focused his eyes on a rope stretched
between two trees as the level of his chest. "Fu...!" His words
were cut off as he was clotheslined right off the bike,
somersaulting backwards into the ground. He rolled over, dazed, as
the bike crashed into a tree.
He tried to move, but both his legs appeared to be broken. He
reached for his comlink, then stopped, as he became cognizant of a
presence. A hooded figure, draped in ewok hides, emerged from the
smoke, walking rather slowly and awkwardly. A large retinue of
ewoks accompanied him, surrounding him in a protective circle.
As they closed in, Barnes shut his eyes and sighed. "I hate
this fuckin' planet."
*********
Luke's eyes snapped open as he awoke. He tried to move, but
found his arms and legs tightly bound, to keep him from ripping out
the numerous plastic tubes which penetrated his body, criss-
crossing each other like highway ramps. He was lying in a sterile
white bed. He looked up at the familiar ceiling of his Throne
room, which was covered with an enormous mirror. His bed was next
to another, and both were surrounded by white-robed Imperial
physicians. General Veers, wearing his trademark wide-brimmed
helmet (looking somewhat like an upturned wok), stood behind Luke's
bed, carefully monitoring the procedure. When Luke saw himself in
the mirror, he was momentarily shocked at his own appearance. He
looked to be in his late sixties--emaciated and wrinkled, with
long, graying hair.
"Veers, how old am I?"
"You're forty-three today, Lord."
"Christ, you've got to be kidding."
"Nope. Today's your birthday. We've got some nice presents
for you when the exchange is over."
"Cool." Luke turned his head and looked at the bed next to
his. In it was strapped a muscular young boy of around 17,
similarly skewered with intravenous tubes which were exchanging
Luke's blood for his own. After many years of Acnetrex addiction,
this procedure, along with R2's regular injections, had become
necessary in order to keep Luke mobile. The boy moaned quietly,
his robustness rapidly evaporating as his body filled with polluted
blood. Luke called to him. "How ya feelin' over there?"
The boy's eyes rolled up into his head as he drooled out a
response. "Uhhhnn...uhhh...help me...help me, please..."
"I think you picked a winner, Veers," Luke smiled.
"No doubt, Lord," Veers replied. "He won the Imperial Academy
decathlon two years in a row."
"Who says sports scholarships aren't worth it? So where are
my prezzies?"
Veers flashed a fatherly smile, then took an envelope from his
pocket and pulled it open. Inside were two pieces of paper.
"Gift certificates?" Luke was puzzled.
"More or less. These bills were passed by the Imperial Senate
earlier today. This," he said, holding one sheet in front of
Luke's face so he could read it, "officially raises the Imperial
debt ceiling to infinity. This way you won't have to keep signing
individual bills every year."
Luke beamed with gratitude. "How did you know?"
"You dropped enough hints." Veers held up the other sheet.
"And this raises the income tax rate to 110 percent."
"Oh my God!" Luke couldn't believe his ears. "That's
fantastic!"
"Wait a second, hear me out."
"You mean there's more?!"
"It's retroactive...backdated 500 years. Effective
immediately. I've already sent word to the fleet."
Luke's eyes began welling up as his voice filled with emotion.
"Oh, Veers..."
Veers wiped Luke's face with a tissue. "You're worth it."
Luke looked up at the ceiling again. Color was returning to
his cheeks, and he now appeared to be in his mid-fifties. "Ah, out
with the old, in with the new." The boy next to him, who now
looked forty, was rapidly slipping into catatonia. "Or vice versa.
So what else is on the docket today, Veers?"
"I thought you might like to sit in on a little interrogation.
We screened a new shipment of male prostitutes the other day, and
one of them turned out to be an assassin."
"Let me guess--a nano-lightsaber up his ass?"
"Close. A thermal detonator in his nutsac. He fucks you,
then when his bag reaches a certain temperature--boom."
Luke laughed. "What'll they think of next?"
*********
In the main hangar of the Rebel frigate Ingenue, Han Solo
strutted with his chest thrown forward, trying to accentuate the
gold bars which denoted his new rank--General. At 48, he was still
a dashing man, even with a bit of a paunch. He stopped in front of
an Imperial shuttle, which was being loaded by a group of
astonishingly beautiful women. They had only string bikinis to
cover their perfectly-toned bodies, while they worked diligently to
load the craft with supplies.
Just then a gorgeous short-haired brunette with an incredible
ass bumped into him, and dropped a box of what appeared to be
sexual aides. "Shit!" she exclaimed, in a seductively girlish
voice. "Move your ass outta the way, we've got work to do."
"Watch it, honey," Han warned. "I'm a general. In fact I'm
leading this attack."
"Oh, I see. Beg your pardon." The girl folded her arms,
squeezing her breasts together slightly. Her nipples poked
brazenly through the flimsy fabric.
Han stared at her chest shamelessly. "Hey, haven't I seen you
somewhere before?"
"I doubt it."
"I know, you've been in some movies, right? Like, uh...'Rebel
Scum III?' 'Jedi School 2?'"
"Not to my knowledge. But my colleagues and I," she said,
motioning to the other women, "did do a promotional video to raise
money for the attack--'Membrex's Girls of the Rebellion.'
Available wherever videos are sold." She picked up the box and
headed for the shuttle.
Han watched her buttocks twitch seductively with each step as
she walked away. "Oh, man. I could fuckin' live in there."
A voice sounded behind him. "Yeah, right. With that gut,
flyboy?"
He turned, and found Leia standing there, along with a rather
short, catfish-looking humanoid with large, glassy black eyes. Han
smirked. "That's 'General' flyboy to you, sister."
"Oh right," Leia said, stifling a laugh. "Congratulations.
I'd like you to meet your co-pilot, General Nien Numb."
Numb held out his rather clammy hand. "An honor."
Han took his hand reluctantly, then addressed the Princess.
"Well, your highness, I guess this is it."
"That's right."
"Well...don't get all mushy on me. So long, Princess."
Leia shook her head. "Fuck you." She turned and disappeared
into the shuttle. Han watched her leave, a smile spreading over
his face.
Numb was puzzled. "What is it?"
"I suddenly got this great feeling. Like I'm never gonna see
her again. It's like a hundred-pound wad of push-pins has just
been lifted off my balls. So where did they park the Falcon?" He
began scanning the bay, looking for its dilapidated outline.
"I'm not sure," Numb replied. He addressed a mop boy who was
swabbing the deck nearby. "Colonel Derlin!"
The boy stopped his work and looked up. "What?"
"You know where the Millennium Falcon is?"
"What am I, a fuckin' valet?" Derlin snorted.
Numb turned to Solo. "I guess we better look around." The
pair began walking amongst the ships.
Han looked back at Derlin. "That guy's a Colonel?"
"Yup."
"How'd that happen?"
Numb shrugged. "Must've been demoted."
*********
"Alright, boy," Luke warned. "I'm only gonna ask you one more
time. Who sent you?"
The assassin was lying on a worktable with his crotch heavily
bandaged and his head stuck in a rather vicious-looking vice.
"Fuck you," he croaked defiantly.
"'You believe this motherfucker?'" Luke looked at the eunuchs
who had crowded around the worktable to watch the interrogation. "'Fuck me?' 'Fuck me,' you motherfucker! Fuck my mother!!" Luke spat in his face and twisted the handle of the vice until one of the assassin's eyes popped out and dangled by its optic
nerve. Blood plumed from the socket, dripping down the sides of his face. The eunuchs hooted enthusiastically, whipped into a frenzy.
Luke stopped tightening, then turned to Veers and handed him
a switchblade. "This has kinda lost its spark. Do him a fuckin' favor."
One particularly eager eunuch was distressed. "But, Lord...we
thought you were going to squash his head until it exploded."
"Well, I figured that would be kind of messy."
The eunuchs began shouting, "SQUASH HIS HEAD! SQUASH HIS
HEAD!"
Luke motioned for Veers to hold off. He addressed the
assassin. "Which do you prefer?"
The assassin spat out blood and sighed. "Man, I don't even
have an opinion."
("SQUASH HIS HEAD! SQUASH HIS HEAD!")
"Alright, alright. Everybody stand back." Luke shielded his
eyes and began squeezing tighter...and tighter. Blood began to
stream from the assassin's nose as his face turned purple. Finally
his head exploded like a rotten watermelon, spraying blood and
brain tissue on everyone. Luke loosened the vice, and a bloody
pulp (looking somewhat like a stepped-on pizza) fell to the floor.
Luke began wiping his hands off on his robe. "How was that?"
"God, I love death!" the eager eunuch cried. "Now squash his
dick! Squash his dick!"
"You're pretty aggressive for a eunuch."
The eunuch tugged wistfully at his groin. "You should've seen
me before."
Luke stepped out of the fray as the eunuchs descended on the
corpse. He walked back over to his throne, laid a towel on it, and
sat down. "That whore was a tough motherfucker, huh?"
Veers spat a grayish piece of medulla onto the floor. "Yeah."
"He might have had someone on the inside. We'd better execute
the security staff, just to be sure. But hell, it was worth it."
Luke pointed to the eunuchs, who were now laying the assassin's
mutilated genitals in the vice. "Look how much fun they're
having."
"You don't seem too concerned, Lord."
"I'm not. Remember the prophecies I was told by those ghosts
20 years ago?"
"How can anyone forget?" Veers glanced at the chrysopaz-
plated plaque which had been set into the wall:
------------------------------
WHEN THINGS GET YOU DOWN, REMEMBER...
SKYWALKER SHALL NEVER VANQUISHED BE
UNTIL GREAT ENDOR WOOD TO THE HIGH DEATH STAR
SHALL COME AGAINST HIM.
AND ON TOP OF THAT...
NONE OF WOMAN BORN SHALL HARM YOU.
SO CHEER UP!
------------------------------
Luke leaned back in his throne. "'None of woman born'--that
pretty much rules out every assassin I can think of."
"Well," Veers pointed out, "it doesn't rule out droids."
Luke sighed. "Yeah, or a piano could fall on my head, blah
blah blah. But the Endor Wood has to come here first."
Veers put his hand to his right ear, where a tiny microphone
was embedded. "Lord, I'm getting a message. ComScan reports that
some kind of enormous energy cloud is approaching our system. They
say it's...my God...over 82 AU's in diameter. What are your
orders?"
"Orders?" Luke grunted. "Christ, if I had a nickel for every
mysterious energy cloud I've seen I'd have almost a dollar. Tell
ComScan to take up needlepoint and stop wasting our time."
Veers cocked his head. "Wait, there's something else coming
in. Security reports they've discovered a stowaway on a cargo
transport. He claims to be your son. Apparently there is some
resemblance."
"Hmm," Luke paused. "What the hell, send him up. If he's
another hit man, we can have some more fun."
On the other side of the room, the eunuchs had all but
dismembered the assassin's corpse. But one hooded eunuch, taller
than the others, refused to participate. He stood in the shadows,
watching Skywalker carefully and whispering to himself. "Just you
wait, Rogue Leader. Just you wait."
*********
"Hey, Shlickenmeyer," said Private Dunbar, sitting in front of
his terminal in a dingy, tiny room of Death Star Prime's Traffic
Control complex. "You wanna see Leia Organa getting it deep?"
Shlickenmeyer looked up from his own computer. "Yuck. That
rebel bitch? She's like a hundred years old."
"I bet she's still pretty hot. Always had a thing for her."
Dunbar downloaded the file, and a crudely-scanned 3-d image
appeared above the holographic display pad next to his terminal.
A miniature Leia Organa hovered motionless in midair, impaled on
the penis of a Stormtrooper. Despite the intimate nature of the
pose, her face looked strangely nonchalant and out of place.
"Fake," Shlickenmeyer snapped.
"Are you sure?"
Shlickenmeyer walked over and pointed at the holographic
Leia's neck. "Look under her chin. See how smooth the skin is?
That's interpolation. Some hacker stuck her head on another body."
Dunbar frowned and erased the image, disappointed. "Shit."
Then suddenly a new message window popped up on his screen:
------------------------------
WARNING:
UNIDENTIFIED traffic in your sector.
Bearing 271.
They look like they're keeping their distance.
Would you like to contact them?
<YES> <NO>
------------------------------
"Hey, Shlickenmeyer, we've got unidentified traffic."
"You've got to be kidding me."
"That's what it says."
"I don't believe it." Shlickenmeyer approached. "This
department is so overstaffed they've been cutting sector size down
to nothing. Do you realize how small a piece of the perimeter we
monitor? It's like 100 meters square. The chances of any
individual ship passing through..."
"Well believe it now, motherfucker. What do I do?"
Shlickenmeyer shrugged. "Click 'yes.'"
*********
With Death Star Prime blotting out most of the stars, Leia and
her command crew waited nervously aboard their shuttle. A light on
the com panel began blinking.
"What's that?" asked General Harney, an absolutely adorable
strawberry blonde with the cutest butt you've ever seen.
"This is it," said Leia. She hit a button and the traffic
controller's voice warbled out of a speaker on the console.
"UHH...WE HAVE YOU ON OUR SCREEN NOW. PLEASE IDENTIFY."
"Shuttle Tydirium requesting deactivation of the deflector
shield," Leia replied.
There was a moment of silence. "SHUTTLE...WHATEVER, UH...
TRANSMIT CLEARANCE CODE FOR SHIELD PASSAGE."
"Transmission commencing." Leia switched off the voice
channel and sent the code. She leaned back in her chair, waiting.
"Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid."
"How much did we pay?" asked General Dorman, a magnificently
statuesque and ample brunette, leaning over Leia's chair.
"Seven bothans."
"That's it?"
"Plus funeral expenses."
*********
------------------------------
WARNING:
Security code is INVALID.
Traffic UNAUTHORIZED.
Would you like to destroy traffic?
<YES> <NO>
------------------------------
"Well?" Dunbar looked expectantly at Shlickenmeyer.
"Don't look at me," Shlickenmeyer replied. "It's your
terminal, not mine."
Dunbar flipped the com back on. "Uh...shuttle, what's your
cargo and destination?"
"PARTS AND RECREATIONAL CREW FOR THE FOREST MOON."
"Oh shit," Shlickenmeyer exclaimed, covering the mike.
"'Recreational crew'--you know what that means? They're whores."
"Those faggots down there are getting whores?" Dunbar
exclaimed. "What about us?"
"Us?" Shlickenmeyer laughed. "We're nobodies. All the whores
are down there. I hear you can't unzip your fly to piss without
one of them grabbing your crank."
"That's it," Dunbar grumbled. "I'm officially changing my
name to 'Chopped Liver.' But first I'll show those speeder-biking
stool shooters down there what we do to whores with invalid
security codes." He maneuvered the mouse pointer over 'YES.'
"Wait." Shlickenmeyer held his arm. "Let's at least see what
they look like. Tell them we'd like to make a holographic ID."
*********
"They're not going for it," Leia muttered under her breath.
"HEY, UH..." the voice on the com stammered. "HOW 'BOUT WE
MAKE THIS CONVERSATION HOLOGRAPHIC?"
"Uh...sure." Leia engaged the holo-transmitter, and a full-
sized hologram of the head and shoulders of the rather pimply
Private Dunbar materialized in the air in front of her.
His eyes widened. "IT'S YOU!"
"No shit." Leia raised an eyebrow.
"NO, I MEAN...IT'S YOU. PRINCESS LEIA. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. GOD, YOU'RE STILL GORGEOUS. HOW DO YOU KEEP IN SHAPE?"
Leia blinked, then smiled seductively. "Uh, I'm not sure who
you think I am, but...I work out some."
*********
Shlickenmeyer turned off the holotransmitter, and the hologram
of Leia disappeared.
"What the fuck are you doing!?" cried Dunbar. "It's actually
her! She looks incredible!"
"Yeah, and she's like the leader of the rebellion, shithead.
God knows what they're gonna do down there. Blow 'em up."
"No way." Dunbar pushed Shlickenmeyer away. "You said this
was my call. This chick is sending out the signals, man."
"In your fuckin' dreams."
"Can't you see it? What are you, a fuckin' faggot?"
"No."
*********
General Dorman sat down on a box of lingerie and sighed.
"You're endangering the mission, Organa. You shouldn't have come."
"Honey," Leia replied. "You're even dumber than you look.
I'm in complete control of this little prick. Watch and learn."
The hologram of Dunbar reappeared. "UH...HI."
"Hi, yourself."
"SO...DO YOU FLY HERE OFTEN?"
"Not too often. What's your name, lover?"
"ROGER."
"Well, Roger, do you believe in fate?"
"I DON'T KNOW."
"Well I do. I was flying out here to meet the man of my
dreams, and I think I just have."
"OH...WOW."
"The Maker works in mysterious ways, Roger." Leia unzipped
the front of her flight jacket, displaying more and more cleavage.
"I've traveled a long way for you." With exquisite slowness, she
pulled the edges of her jacket aside, revealing her magnificently
sculpted breasts.
"OH..." Dunbar's face was reddening. "WOW."
"It's my birthday today, Roger. You know what I've always
wanted for my birthday?"
"WHAT?"
"A nice...shiny...pearl necklace." She threw her head back
and pressed her tits together, pinching the nipples.
*********
"Oh, yeah. I'm there." Unable to contain himself, Dunbar
stood up and unzipped his pants, revealing a modest but energetic
six-inch erection. He placed the organ directly between the
fabulous holographic breasts which glittered in front of him and
began jerking off madly, moving his hips up and down.
Leia moaned over the speaker. "OH...YEAH...FUCK ME...OH YOUR COCK IS SO BIG..."
Dunbar was already sweating and panting. "You like it...don't
you, bitch? Uhhnnh...rebel bitch...Oh, yeah..." His face was
contorted into an absolutely ridiculous mask of passion.
Shlickenmeyer sat back down glumly. "The politicians are
right. We are a bunch of sickos."
"FUCK MY TITTIES, YEAH. I WANNA TASTE YOUR HOT CUM."
"I'm there, cunt! Rebel cunt!" Dunbar was nearly weeping
with lust. "I'm right there!"
*********
"This is fuckin' twisted," quipped General Corwin, a
magnificent, golden-skinned goddess of Asian extraction.
"Sshh!" Leia snapped, caressing her breasts in front of a
masturbating holographic groin. "I want your cock inside me,
Roger."
"ME TOO! ME TOO! YEAH...FFUUUCCKKK!" Dunbar's sex talk dissolved into incoherent grunts. Then after a few more seconds of
anguished masturbating, a shiny rope of holo-semen squirted out of
the penis and evaporated in front of Leia's face.
Leia cried out. "Ohhh!" She lay back in her chair and began
licking the imaginary ejaculate off her face. "Oh, baby, it tastes
so good. Mmmm. Now how'd you like the real thing?"
Dunbar sat back down, face red, and panted his answer.
"YEAH...YEAH...ME TOO..."
"Well then we shouldn't let something as silly as a deflector
shield come between us. As soon as I've delivered my cargo on the
moon, I'll come back up to the Death Star and we can try this face
to face. Where are your quarters?"
"ROOM 237, APARTMENT BLOCK AA23. DEACTIVATION OF THE SHIELD WILL COMMENCE IMMEDIATELY. FOLLOW YOUR PRESENT COURSE, BABY."
"Clear skies, lover." Leia switched off the holotransmitter,
zipped up her jacket, and turned to the crew. "And that, ladies,
is how we do that."
*********
Shlickenmeyer's eyes were wide with amazement. "Are you
fuckin' crazy!? We can't let them land."
"Fuck you," Dunbar clicked the 'Deflector Systems' icon.
"Step away from your terminal."
"Gimme a good reason."
"Okay." Shlickenmeyer pulled a tiny blaster from his belt and
leveled it at Dunbar's head. "How's this?"
Dunbar stood up and faced him. "Don't you believe in love at
first sight, faggot?"
"Listen, shitbird," Shlickenmeyer said coldly. "I may believe
in one all-powerful Force controlling everything. I may believe
that year-end tax refunds are actually a 'gift.' Hell, I may even
believe in dick, pussy, and long, slow, hot, wet kisses that last
three days. But I don't buy love-at-first-sight."
"That's your problem, Shlickenmeyer," Dunbar said. "You've
got no faith in human nature." With that, he knocked the gun to
the floor, slipped behind Shlickenmeyer, took his head in his
hands, and wrenched it around viciously, breaking his neck.
Shlickenmeyer gurgled briefly and fell to the floor.
Dunbar straightened his uniform and sat back down at his
computer. With a few clicks, the deflector shield was down. After
the shuttle had passed safely through, he reactivated the shield
and shut off his computer. He held his sweaty palm up in front of
himself and addressed it. "Well, baby, you've taken me a long way.
But I'm afraid we must part. Tonight...I am a man."
*********
The turbolift doors opened, and Jack Skywalker's eyes widened
as he took in the glory of the Imperial Throne room. He swallowed
nervously as the two officers who accompanied him pulled him
roughly out of the lift. His hands were tightly bound. When they
had reached the shiny black stairs which led up to the throne, one
officer held him while the other ascended. Luke sat quietly in his
throne, facing away from them and staring out the window. The
officer leaned over and spoke. "Lord, we've brought the stowaway,
as you requested. Though he denies it, I believe there may be more
of them. He was armed only with these." The officer held out a
stack of pamphlets.
Luke held one up and squinted at it. The cover depicted a
lovely, blue-skinned humanoid female, clothed in white robes. In
her right hand she held a lightsaber handle, out of which grew a
long-stemmed flower with pink, blue, and green petals. The title
of the pamphlet read: 'ASHLA: GODDESS OF THE GOOD SIDE.'
Jack's eyes remained fixed on the back of the throne as he was
pushed up the stairs. After the guards had left, he whispered
timidly. "Father?"
Luke swiveled around and held up one of the pamphlets.
"Before we get into that, tell me--What the hell is this shit?"
"Father...it's you." Jack's face reddened, and his eyes began
watering. "All these years, I've..."
"I mean, is this a joke?" Luke pointed at the picture of
Ashla. "Who is this blue bitch?"
"That's Ashla, the patron saint of the new Jedi--an order
based on love rather than hate."
Luke cocked an eyebrow. "Oh really?"
"Yes, it's wonderful. We operate by three basic precepts,
represented by the three petals of Ashla's lightflower." Jack
leaned over and pointed to the flower on the cover. "The pink
petal represents precept one--Let go of your hate. When the red of
anger changes into the white of peace, the interim is pink. The
blue petal--Feel the Force around you. Blue is the color of the
ocean. The ocean of love which the Force represents." Jack's
voice rose dramatically. "And finally the green petal--Stretch out
with your feelings. When a Jedi stretches out, he feels the
harmony of living things, represented by the harmonious green of
the trees in the forest. This is all on page 12, by the way, just
before the soup recipes. Father? Father, are you listening?"
Luke gaped at Jack, then cried out. "This...is not my son!"
"I was born of Leia Organa," Jack declared. I was conceived
on cell block AA23 of the Super Star Destroyer Executor 20 years
ago. My father is Emperor Luke Skywalker. I am Jack Skywalker."
"No..." Luke cried, backing up against the observation window.
"That's not true...that's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, father, you know it to be true."
"NNNOOOO!!! NNNOOO!!" Luke slipped to the floor, nearly in
tears. "Kill it! Kill it!"
"With pleasure," one guard hissed, smiling. He advanced on
Jack, who smiled back.
"I'm glad you're smiling, brother. People are most beautiful
when they smile. And of course when they're pregnant." Jack began
backing away. "So technically a smiling, pregnant woman would be
the most beautiful type, but...I'm getting off the point. Brother,
wait!" Jack held up his handcuffed wrists, supplicating. "I have
something for you." He reached into his pocket, and took out a
roll of stickers. Hastily, he peeled one off and stuck it on the
guard's chest.
The guard paused for a moment, and looked down. The sticker
bore a simple legend: I LOVE YOUR SMILE. Abruptly, the guard felt
an overwhelming wave of kindness and benevolence settle over him.
Slowly, the nightstick slipped from his fingers, and he turned to
his comrades. "Hey, guys, look what he gave me. It says, 'I love
your smile."
One of the other guards began to smirk...then his expression
changed to one of admiration. "Well...you do have a nice smile,
Bill."
Luke struggled to his feet and clamped his hands over his
ears. "He's using the Force! Fight it! Fight it!!"
The first guard turned to Luke. "But, Lord...the sticker..."
"You weak-minded fucks!" Gritting his teeth and trying to
fight off the salvos of goodness which were hitting him like
jackhammers, Luke lunged forward, picked up the nightstick, and
swung it with all his might at the first guard's temple, smashing
it and killing him outright. The other guards backed off and ran,
terrified, stopping only to pick up copies of the pamphlets.
Jack called after them. "Peace, brothers! Tell your
friends!"
Luke stood in front of Jack. Resisting the urge to embrace
him, he brought the nightstick down on the top of his head. Jack
bit his tongue badly, and blood began to spill from his mouth as he
fell. With the good feelings abating somewhat, Luke raised his
stick for the killing blow...
...But was stopped when another arm gripped his. Luke whipped
his head around. Veers was holding him back. "What the fuck?"
"I wouldn't do that just yet, Lord," Veers said. "As you can
see, the Force is strong in him. If he could be turned, he could
be a valuable ally."
"Yeah yeah yeah." Luke struggled to bring the stick down on
Jack's head, but Veers continued to restrain him. "Oh, alright,"
Luke relented, dropping the stick. "But how should we start? I
mean, I've never turned anyone before."
"Well, the best way to turn someone to the dark side is
usually to humiliate him, then tempt him to acts of sex, violence,
etc. It's pretty straightforward."
"Okay, then we'll start with humiliation. Go to the closet
and activate...my little friend."
"With pleasure." Veers descended the stairs and opened a
closet which was set in the left wall.
Luke grabbed Jack, who was barely conscious, and dragged him
in front of the throne. He began undoing his belt and pulling his
pants down. "Okay, boy. It's the first day of un-school. You're
gonna start un-learning all that bullshit."
Jack became conscious of a strange buzzing sound. He focused
his eyes, and saw a horrific-looking spherical droid floating
through the air towards him. Needles, hooks, knives, and dildos of
every conceivable kind sprouted from it at all angles. Its single
orange photoreceptor bore into him.
"Allow me to introduce you to 6UL-DV8," Luke purred, rolling
Jack over onto his stomach. "It took the finest, sickest minds in
the Empire months of planning to create him." Luke smiled as DV8
hooked an anal retractor into Jack's rectum. "Now, my son, let's
discuss the true nature of the Force."
*********
Sitting in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, Han Solo
blinked at the kaleidoscopic patterns of light which were zipping
past. Psychedelic grids and colors were reflected on his retinas
as the ship rocketed through hyperspace with the entire Rebel fleet
in tow. He grinned angelically at the dazzling lightshow.
General Numb, sitting in the co-pilot's chair, looked over at
Han. "You know, Solo, there are some things I've never quite
understood about hyperspace." Numb glanced out the window, where
a series of diamond-shaped objects appeared to be flying with them,
changing colors periodically. "For example, if we're actually
traveling faster than light, we should reach the Death System
before we even left. And then what's the point of going in the
first place?"
"I don't know." Han waved his arm. "Do you mind? I'm trying
to concentrate here."
"Of course, that's all very paradoxical. But our lightcone
should be tilted into the past." Numb rubbed his chin.
Han sighed, having lost the hypnotic effect of watching
hyperspace. "Bummer."
"On the other hand," Numb hypothesized, "even if we were just
traveling very near the speed of light and not above it, time
dilation would still be a factor. We'd only age a few days, but
the rest of the universe might age hundreds or thousands of years.
Makes you think, doesn't it?"
Han pulled off his gloves and inquired rhetorically. "What
the fuck am I doing?"
"I'd never really thought about it before," Numb said, shocked
by the full weight of the realization. "According to the laws of
spacetime as we understand them, none of this makes any sense."
"I'm actually committed to a cause," Han realized. "That was
supposed to be against my principles. I used to be so carefree,"
he reflected. "Pirating, fucking, eating, sleeping, fucking. That
was fun. Now...shit, the last thing I pirated was a screensaver
for the navicomputer." He turned to Numb. "You know what we
should be doing? We shouldn't be attacking the revenue fleet. We
should be going with them. Imagine how much money they collect
every year. Fuck, man, we could rob them on their way back."
Han's eyes lit up at the prospect. "This attack is hopeless
anyway. We could turn ourselves in, become informants, then work
the job from the inside."
Numb looked at him, shocked. "But you're supposed to be
leading the attack. The rest of the fleet is depending on you for
leadership."
Han laughed. "If they're that stupid they don't deserve to
win anyway." He turned back to the window. They were now passing
over what appeared to be freaked-out planetary landscapes, each one
a different color--yellow, green, blue, red...
Numb popped a breath mint under his enormous tongue. "Anyway,
as I was saying, there's also the Lorentz contraction to worry
about. Take the example of the pole in the barn. Say there's a 10
meter barn, and a man running near the speed of light carrying an
11 meter pole..."
Han leaned back in his chair, contemplating his future. "I've
actually got a pretty good feeling about this."
*********
Leia sat on an enormous tree stump watching the voluptuous
crew of Shuttle Tydirium unload their supplies. She drank deeply
of the fresh Endorian air as she lit an absurdly phallic cigar.
"Assholes and elbows, ladies, let's move it," she barked at
the bikini-clad hardbodies, each one sweating in the midday
humidity. "What am I watching, a bunch of housewives at a fuckin'
church picnic? Come on, Ford, stop trying to remember what your
feet look like and load up. And Sanches, I see you loitering over
there. Why don't you strap some provisions to your tits? They
look bored."
"Sir!" General Moore, a painfully stunning blonde,
interrupted. "I'm getting something on the scanner, coming this
way."
"Where?"
"There!" Moore pointed to the north. The entire crew
crouched into a defensive position and waited tensely. About a
hundred feet away, they saw a speeder bike, gliding very slowly
through the trees. There was no visible rider, although the bike
was draped with a soiled cloth which appeared to be covering
something. While the crew watched, it entered their landing area
and bumped to a stop when it hit a tree.
Leia held up her fist and the squad remained motionless.
Drawing her blaster, she advanced carefully on the bike. With one
hand, she reached tentatively for the sheet, then yanked it away.
Strapped tightly to the bike was an absolutely ghastly,
desiccated corpse with long white hair and yellow, rotting teeth.
Its ghost-white skin was covered with sores and boils, and an awful
stench rose from it. Leia covered her nose and took a closer look.
The corpse was nude, apart from an Imperial dog tag around its
neck. Reluctantly, she leaned over and examined the tag. It read:
PFC ERNEST "ERNIE" BARNES. She smirked. "Looks like you got what you deserved, you Imperial assho..."
Suddenly the corpse's sunken eyes snapped open and it began
coughing and struggling. Leia cried out and jumped back, raising
her blaster. "Fuck! It's still alive!"
The thing finished coughing, looked at Leia, then began
speaking in a fairly normal voice. "Whoa, honey, no need for that.
I'm not goin' anywhere."
Leia felt her stomach turning. "What the hell are you?"
"Private Ernest Barnes. People call me Ernie." Barnes looked
over the assembled squad and whistled appreciatively. "Please tell
me you're a recreational crew."
"Yeah, that's us. What the fuck happened to you?"
"Me and my partner got ambushed by ewoks. They tortured me
for a while, then stripped me and tied me to this bike."
"How long have you been on it?"
"A day or two."
"A day? Look at yourself." Leia pulled out a compact mirror
and held it up to Barnes's face.
Barnes raised what was left of his eyebrows. "Yeah, that's
pretty much what I expected. Your skin gets pretty sensitive when
you're locked in a trooper outfit 24 hours a day for years at a
stretch. So did they send you girls from up there?" Barnes nodded
his head up at the Death Stars.
"Uh...yeah," Leia replied.
"The brass always said we'd get some R&R down here, but I
never believed them. Any of you willing to take a ride with me?"
Leia looked at his shriveled penis and fought off nausea. It
looked like an undercooked Brown 'n Serve sausage. "Uh...I don't
know..."
"Aw, come on," Barnes said, beaming grotesquely and showing
his greenish, pus-ridden gums. "I may not look like much now, but
you should see me when I get a head of steam going."
Leia swallowed, tasting bile. "Uh...okay. But we should get
back to base first. Which way to the shield generator?"
"Due south about 5 clicks. It's a big-ass dish, you can't
miss it. There's a rear bunker on the far side of a clearing. You
might want to go in that way, to be more discreet."
Leia smiled. "Thanks, Sparky." She hit the accelerator on
the bike, sending Barnes streaking out of the clearing at 200 miles
an hour. Leia cocked her head, then smiled coldly when she heard
the explosion as the bike hit a tree.
The rest of the squad breathed easier. Leia pulled another
cigar from her pocket and lit it up. "Alright, ladies. These
supplies aren't gonna unload themselves. I wanna see muscles
rippling in those toned thighs. I want silver streaks of sweat
running like rivers of mercury between your glistening tits!"
*********
"Lord," said Veers, listening in on his ear microphone. "I'm
getting another report on that unidentified energy cloud..."
"Will you stop with the fucking energy cloud?" Luke snapped.
"We're near a breakthrough here." 6UL-DV8 had been working Jack
over for several hours, degrading him in ways that simply aren't
printable, even here. The droid hovered in front of Luke, with
Jack slung underneath it, hanging upside down with his hands bound
to his feet. His eyes were half-glazed over, and he dribbled a
continuous stream of saliva and blood from his mouth. He lifted
his head slightly and whispered. "Father...I feel the conflict
within you. Let go...of your hate."
"I tried that once. Gave me diarrhea for six weeks." Luke
sneered and nodded at DV8. "Kink him." DV8 immediately twisted
Jack's erect penis over on itself, creating an awful reddish
blister at the point of maximum tension. "Bet you'll never look at
a garden hose the same way again," Luke commented.
"Lord," Veers tapped Luke's shoulder again. "ComScan reports
that the energy cloud..."
"Can you go one minute without mentioning your hero, the
energy cloud?"
"But Lord, it's dissipated and moved into orbit around the
station."
"So fucking what?" He turned back to Jack. "Three little
words, asshole--'I hate you.' Just say those words, and I'll let
you take a break." Jack remained silent, and Luke slapped him.
"Jesus! Say something negative, at least. Say 'fuck.' How about
that? 'Fuck.' Just once."
"Ffu...love." Jack lost consciousness.
*********
Outside the rear entrance to the shield generator, two
stormtroopers, Crouse and Morton, smoked cigarettes and bullshat as
they stood watch.
"You hear about Barnes and Wilkes?" Crouse asked.
"They disappeared, right?" Morton took a long drag.
"No, before that. I heard Wilkes came in Barnes's hair."
"Blowjob?"
"No, it was in the middle of the night. Wilkes jacked off
over his bunk. Bender told me." Crouse put out his cigarette.
"What was Bender doing awake?" Morton asked.
"Jacking off while he watched Wilkes."
Morton eyed Crouse warily for a moment. "You've never...done
anything like that to me, have you?"
"Shit, no," Crouse laughed. "Well...if I had, I wouldn't tell
you."
"What do you think happened to Barnes and Wilkes?"
"Who cares? I feel better knowing there's two less crazy
fuckers to worry about. I've been sleeping with a shower cap on."
"I don't blame you." Morton finished his own cigarette, and
lit up another. "Levinson's really paranoid. Ties himself down
every night so he won't sleep on his stomach. Tapes his mouth
shut. It's a fuckin' reign of terror."
"Don't I know it." Crouse shook his head sadly. "What we all
need is a good piece of..." He trailed off as he noticed something
glinting at the far end of the clearing. He pulled out his
binoculars and focused them.
It appeared to be some kind of portable, open-air shower. Two
gorgeous women, one white with short black hair, and the other a
darker-skinned latino, emerged from behind a tree, wearing white
bathrobes. Giggling and pinching each other playfully, they turned
on the shower and tested the water with their hands.
Music began to drift across the clearing--uptempo, fairly
cheesy techno. Morton tugged at Crouse's binoculars. "What were
you gonna say? A piece of what? Pie?"
"Oh, man," Crouse said, his penis rising in anticipation as he
watched the girls slip out of their robes and soap each other up.
"Somebody up there must like us."
*********
Crouse screamed helplessly. General Feratti, her mouth, chin,
and breasts stained with his blood, stood up and spat the end of
his penis into her hand. Then, almost lovingly, she knelt over him
and dropped it into his mouth. "Blow yourself for a while,
pendeho." Meanwhile, General Hamilton was putting the finishing
touches on Morton, twisting his neck until it broke.
Leia stepped out from behind an adjacent tree. "Alright,
girls, good work." She motioned for the squad to fall out. The
troops emerged from behind bushes and trees, each armed and loaded
for bear. When they reached the door to the bunker, Leia surveyed
the lock. "This doesn't look so bad." She was just about to
insert a small hairpin into the lock when she became conscious of
a periodic, low thumping sound. "What's that? The stereo?"
"No," Hamilton replied, drying her hair with a towel. The
squad remained motionless, listening tensely as the sounds grew
louder.
"It could be an impact tremor," General Moore posited.
"Oooh, an 'impact tremor,'" Leia cooed mockingly. "Someone
get a chalkboard for Professor Moore. She's gonna teach us all
about science, and math, and 'impact tremors.'"
"I'm just trying to help," Moore muttered.
The booming sounds continued, getting louder and multiplying,
until a phalanx of six two-legged Imperial Walkers stepped into the
clearing, their guns trained on the squad. What looked like an
entire legion of stormtroopers poured in behind them, surrounding
the women. An amplified voice came from a loudspeaker atop the
lead walker. "STOP, REBEL SCUM!"
*********
With only a mild jolt, the Falcon came out of hyperspace along
with the rest of the rebel ships. The Death System loomed large in
front of them, the tax fleet weaving among the stations like an
artificial asteroid belt.
Numb, who had been brooding silently for the past hour,
suddenly spoke up. "Do you realize that at the speed we were
going, a non-lethal deceleration should have taken us months, not
seconds? You realize how much momentum we just had to absorb? The
more you think about it...the less sense all of this makes." Numb
shook his head, staring out the cockpit window at an uncertain
reality.
"Leave the philosophy to Joe Campbell, Catfish," Han advised.
"Right now I've got to figure out a way to fuck up this offensive
so we can turn ourselves in to the Imperials."
"If they exist," Numb quipped.
Han flipped on the com and signaled the Rebel ships. "All
wings report in."
"GOLD LEADER STANDING BY."
"RED LEADER STANDING BY."
"BLUE LEADER STANDING BY."
"VELVET LEADER STANDING BY."
"Knock off the chatter, cheesedicks," Han scolded. "Lock S-
foils in attack positions, and lock your cocks on rock. We're
goin' in."
Admiral Ackbar's gravelly voice crackled over the com. "WE'RE
NOT GETTING ANY READING ON THE SHIELD, SOLO."
"Then it's probably down."
"WE'VE GOT TO BE ABLE TO GET SOME KIND OF READING ON THE SHIELD, UP OR DOWN. THEY MAY BE JAMMING US."
"Yeah, and maybe the dog would've caught the rabbit, if he
hadn't thought to shit."
"WHAT?"
"Everybody just stay on target." Death Star Prime was now
filling most of the window. They'd be on top of it in moments. At
the last second, Han pulled the Falcon into a steep climb and the
station dropped out of view.
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Ackbar asked.
"Nowhere," Solo grinned mischievously. "Don't follow me.
Don't pull up. Repeat, all craft, don't pull up!" He flipped on
a rear view camera, just in time to see about a third of the rebel
fleet crash into the invisible shield. Explosions dotted the
perimeter like fireflies on a buglight.
"BELAY THAT SHIT! ALL CRAFT PULL UP! SOLO!" Ackbar's voice cracked with rage. "WE JUST LOST 20 FIGHTERS AND THREE FRIGATES--THE POTPOURRI, THE GODIVA, AND THE MYSTIQUE."
Han shrugged. "My bad."
*********
Luke shivered violently as he thrust his arm in R2D2's face.
The Acnetrex sickness had come out of nowhere, hitting him like a
freight train. "Come on!"
"Patience," R2 warned, prodding him for a suitable vein. He
had jammed the needle in five times already without success.
"Pretty soon I'm gonna need a fuckin' dowser's wand to tease these
suckers out."
"Oh, fuck the sidestreets! Take the highway!" Luke strained
the muscles in his neck, making his arteries stand out, then
lurched forward, impaling his carotid on the needle. The drug
rushed into his brain, nearly knocking him out. He collapsed onto
the floor, pissing on himself.
R2 swiveled his head sadly. "Skywalker, you're gonna give
depraved, street-hustling junkie politicians a bad name."
"Just wait, you transistorized sack 'a shit," Luke hissed.
"One of these days, my doctors'll figure out what's in this stuff."
"Maybe," R2 replied, rolling towards the turbolift. "But 'til
then, I'm your doctor, your priest, and your lover. I'm your main
connection. Your tower of power. You may walk the sky, but I fuck
the stars. I am the keymaster and the gatekeeper. The alpha and
the omega. I'm when ass first met hole, when blue met balls, when
peanut butter met chocolate. I am the Maker and the Unmaker. I AM
THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!" His metallic laughter echoed off the Throne
Room walls as he disappeared from view.
Veers, who had been on a coffee break, burst out of the
turbolift just as R2 got in. He ran across the Throne room.
"Lord! The rebel fleet is attacking!"
"So?" Luke shot back, rubbing his neck.
Veers stopped in front of the throne, panting, then shrugged
sheepishly. "So...nothing. How's it going up here?"
"DV8's had it." Luke motioned to the sex droid, which was
lying inert on the floor, feebly attempting to revive its power
cells.
"I thought that thing could fuck for years at a stretch."
"Shit no," Luke said, pulling himself to his feet. "Fourth
law of robotics--Never build a droid that's a better lay than you.
And this kid," Luke kicked Jack, who was lying on the floor next to
DV8. "There's not a dark thought in his head. I could work on him
for years, and not be able to get him to chew with his mouth open."
"So are we fucked?"
"Maybe. But I've got one more plan." Luke hit the com button
on his throne and spoke into it. "This is Skywalker. Have the
biotech lab send up our little science project." He then leaned
over Jack and began slapping him. "Wake up, fuckhead." He hauled
him to his feet, then put his deactivated lightsaber in his hand.
"A Jedi's weapon." Then he took Veers aside. "Okay, now I'm gonna
try to get him to attack me. He probably won't, but if he
does...you've got my back, right?"
"Your back?" Veers was puzzled.
"You know...you're uh...willing to make sacrifices, yes?"
"What kind of sacrifices?"
"I mean you'll lean in and take one for the team if the need
arises?"
"What are you scared of? What about the prophecy?"
"Yeah, yeah, the prophecy's great. We all love the prophecy."
Luke leaned closer and lowered his voice. "Look, I'm not stupid.
I know there's gotta be a loophole in that thing somewhere, so I'm
not taking any chances. Will you do it?"
"No guarantees."
"You fuckin' asshole. Alright, alright...if he looks like
he's gonna make a move, just kick him in the nuts." Luke pulled
off his robe and began stroking his mechanical organ, making it
erect. He turned to Jack. "Hey, asshead. You know, I've fucked
men, women, and children. I've fucked everything that walks or
crawls at one time or another. Hell, I've whipped it out in Anoat,
hyper-jumped to Derra IV, and fucked the whole galaxy along the
way. But I think the best snatch I ever had belonged to your
beloved mom."
As if on cue, a young woman emerged from the turbolift,
wearing a white robe. Jack gaped at her--she was the spitting
image of his mother, at around age 20. She had a strangely cold
expression on her face as she approached the throne, stopping in
front of them, hands on hips.
"M...mother?" Jack whispered.
"Not quite," Luke answered. "I'd like you to meet the future
of sexual stereotype reinforcement--Leia 209. A perfect copy of
your mom in every way." Luke patted her on the ass.
"Me want cock," the clone declared in flat, emotionless,
perfectly broken English. She threw her robe off her shoulders,
lay down on the floor, and pulled the lips of her vagina open.
"Put hard cock here."
"Like I said, a perfect copy." Pulling a small butt plug from
his pocket, Luke laid it on the floor and sat down on it, driving
it slowly into his rectum. He then lay over the clone and obliged
her, driving his penis in to the hilt and drawing it out languidly.
"My mother doesn't talk that way," Jack murmured, already
sweating uncomfortably before this primal scene.
"Yes she does. I have an excellent memory, and that's exactly
how she talks. What do you expect from a whore? Hell, she'd rim
a dead nashtah for a game token."
"Man right. Me whore," Leia 209 affirmed.
Jack's eyes narrowed slightly. "You're lashing out, father.
Accept Ashla into your heart."
"Blah blah blah," Luke snorted, biting his lip as he thrust
himself in and out of the clone. "Okay. I'm already tired of the
playground. Let's see what's going on at the dump." He pulled his
penis free of her, then rolled her over and jammed it into her
asshole.
"Hard cock ass!" Leia blurted out.
"I know what you mean, baby," Luke commented, turning to Jack.
"What say we make this family reunion official? You got a recipe
for an 'Organa sandwich' in that pamphlet?"
Jack was silent, his eyes narrowing further. He began
stroking the lightsaber nervously and talking to himself. "She is
our heart. She is our heart. She is our heart..."
Luke had settled into a relaxed stroke, very nearly enjoying
the sex despite the total lack of participation on the part of Leia
209, who was as motionless as a corpse. Finding himself on the
verge of orgasm, he abruptly pulled himself out. The clone
immediately turned around, opened her mouth, and caught his semen
on her tongue, like a trained seal catching a fish. Without
spilling a drop, she closed her mouth, stood up, and walked over to
Jack.
Jack drew back away from her, still praying to Ashla. "She
will not abandon you, she will not abandon you, she will not..."
Leia 209 puffed her cheeks out like a fish, then blew her nose
sharply, sending two conical sprays of jissom into Jack's face.
Jack began crying, eyes tightly shut.
"Cum yum," Leia 209 said, licking her upper lip.
Luke shook his head. "Man, even I've got to admit that was in
bad taste. Say, you look a little pissed there, Jackoff.
And...isn't that a lightsaber in your hand? Here, I'll show you
how it's done." Luke approached, took the saber from Jack, and
ignited it. "Leia, dear?"
"Cock big."
"Yes, I know. It's time for you to go now."
"Cock?" she said plaintively.
Luke brought the saber down on her shoulder, cutting her torso
in half diagonally. Both halves splashed to the floor, twitching.
"There," Luke said, handing the saber back to Jack. "It's as
easy as that. Come on, I can feel your anger. I'm defenseless.
Strike me down, you little asshole, and then maybe we can break for
lunch!"
"Nn...no." Still crying, Jack began to raise the lightsaber.
"That's it, boy." Luke egged him on. "One of us...one of
us...one of us..."
Jack raised the saber handle higher, his face streaked with
tears. The saber emitted a metallic scream as it ignited. "I
can't believe she did that! That was so incredibly gross!" he
cried.
Luke's eyes widened. "Uh...Veers!"
At the last second, Jack threw the light saber aside. "Never!
I'll never tu..." His declaration was interrupted by an anguished
scream.
Luke whipped his head around just in time to see Veers fall,
both of his legs cut off by the hurled saber. His torso collapsed
to the deck, steaming blood pouring from his leg stumps like water
from twin fountains. His head hit the floor with a loud thump, and
he gazed up at the ceiling. "Oh...shit."
"You're a good man, Veers," Luke called out.
"Oh yeah," he croaked back sarcastically. "Like this was
intentional on my part."
Jack was horrified. "I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry!" Luke exclaimed. "You're finally a killer!"
"But...he's still alive, father."
"Well, it's practically a lock. You've taken your first step
into a larger world."
"No. I'll never turn. I'll never be a killer."
"Do you realize what a good killer can make these days?"
"They don't advertise for killers in the newspaper, father."
Luke blinked. "What paper have you been reading?" He looked
around, then picked a late edition of the Whills Daily Journal off
the arm of his throne. As he straightened his back, he winced,
remembering the butt-plug. He reached around, pulled it out with
an audible pop, then stuck the end of it in Jack's mouth like an
oversized pacifier. He flipped to the employment section.
"The Assassin's Guild has to be discreet, of course. They
usually list positions under 'Disposal Services,' or 'Human
Resources.' Here, I found one." He began reading. "'Prestigious
Consulting Firm seeks aggressive self-starter to manage eliminative
engineering services. Immediate position for a problem-solver who
doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. Some travel. Terrific
growth potential in high-risk environment.'" He handed Jack the
paper. "What more do you need? A fuckin' Venn diagram?"
*********
Commander Sawyer, head of security for the shield generator,
surveyed the captured rebel strike force from atop his two-legged
walker. "Well, well, well." The gorgeous prisoners were lined up
topless with their hands on their heads. Sawyer stroked his groin
as his walker pranced slowly down the line, stopping in front of
Leia. Carefully, he lifted one of the walker's legs, placing the
foot under Leia's chin and pushing it up until she was facing him.
He surveyed her breasts appreciatively, noticing that her nipples
were soft and smooth. "Well, granny, I'm erect. Why aren't you?"
Leia's eyes radiated contempt. "I didn't want to embarrass
you with comparisons."
"Oh, that's rich. I have a question about Private Crouse's
penis."
"What about it?" Leia snapped.
"It, uh...wasn't where I last saw it."
"Under your nose?"
Sawyer noticed General Feratti, whose chest, belly, and mouth
were still covered with blood. "Hell of a nosebleed you've got
there, senorita. Or were you menstruating upside-down?"
"I cut my lip," Feratti shot back.
"On what? A kidney stone?" Sawyer smirked and addressed his
troops. "Okay, men, don't bother pinching yourself, this is real--
we've captured a rebel strike force comprised entirely of beautiful
models. Imperial rules of engagement are very specific on this
point--Provision 326.77, paragraph 604, actually requires us, by
law, to rape the living shit out of them."
"Is that true?" Hamilton whispered.
"Yes," General Moore replied. "Skywalker wrote it into law
after the Imperial base on Ralltiir was overrun by stripper
squads."
Leia sighed. "We all know you can read, Moore. Now shut the
fuck up. I've gotta think of a way out of this."
Sawyer continued speaking to his men. "Now I don't want any
sob stories about how you've recently discovered you prefer the
company of your fellow men. You can fuck each other in your off
hours. But this is your duty, and I'll goddamn-well court-martial
anyone who doesn't carry it out. So pick a partner and get to it."
The stormtroopers began advancing on the women (some more
eagerly than others), breathing heavily through their masks and
fiddling with their codpieces. But before any of them could so
much as grab a breast, a sound rang out over the clearing--horn
calls. They echoed from the treetops, seemingly from all
directions. The troopers raised their weapons and scanned the
surrounding woods, spooked like a herd of horses.
"Be calm," Sawyer exhorted. "We're stormtroopers now.
Nothing to worry about. Just a few teddy bears making noise."
One trooper shouted, terrified: "THEY'LL KILL US ALL!!"
Sawyer yelled back, getting nervous himself. "Oh, now that's
defeatist! Fuck that!"
Ewoks began popping up everywhere--behind bushes, in trees,
out of ditches. They watched the cornered troops silently with
their oversized, rather adorable eyes, holding their spears and
bows. The troopers collected themselves into a tight knot, their
heads darting in all directions. Even the walkers began
sidestepping nervously.
Sawyer forced a laugh. "Ha! Look at them, men. They're so
cute! Are they gonna...cute us to death? Huh? And look at their
crude, stone-age weapons." Some of the troops started relaxing a
bit, and Sawyer pitched his voice more dramatically. "Spears!?
Bows!? We've got blasters and armor. Do you actually think they
can defeat our superior technology purely through ingenuity, pluck,
and courage? Hah! What movies have you been watching?!"
"You fool," Moore shook her head. "You fool..."
At that moment, the ewoks cast their spears aside and
uncovered their backup weapons--supercharged laser cannons which
they had hidden in the bushes. With terrifying speed they
assembled tripods, locked the guns down, and fed in cartridges.
"Oh, SHIT!!" Leia shouted, dropping to the ground just as a
devastating hail of laser fire pounded the clearing. Rapid-fire
bolts crisscrossed everywhere, cutting virtually every living thing
to ribbons. The entire area began exploding as the walkers
stumbled around awkwardly, returning fire randomly and killing more
of their own troops in the process.
Leia watched helplessly as most of her strike force was blown
to pieces--their beautiful bodies being rendered messily down to
their constituent parts. Breasts, arms, legs, and heads began
falling everywhere amidst a rain of hot blood. And the
stormtroopers were faring no better. Most of their ranks were
decimated as well, as the cascade of laser energy blasted their
armor to smithereens.
Then, as quickly as it had started, the barrage stopped. Only
a few rebels and stormtroopers were still alive, and most of them
wounded. Two of the walkers had been destroyed, but the remaining
four were still firing back hopelessly, most of their shots just
blasting the bark off trees. The ewoks quickly disassembled their
weapons and disappeared from sight.
Leia peeked up. "It's over."
"Hardly," Moore croaked back, lying about ten feet away. One
of her breasts had nearly been burned off by a stray shot. "The
drones are finished. Now the warriors move in."
"Are you researching an encyclo...?" Leia was interrupted by
another horn call. She looked at the trees, her eyes widening as
she saw what Moore was talking about--enormous, hulking creatures
began emerging, most of them 8 feet tall or more. They
superficially resembled their smaller cousins, but seemed more akin
to Wampas, with awful, gnarled horns emerging from the sides of
their drooling mouths. The terrifying beasts stomped their way
into the clearing and began grabbing survivors, literally ripping
them limb from limb, their awful howls drowning out the screams of
the dying. "Holy shit," Leia exclaimed, whereupon she lay back
down, playing dead.
From within his walker, Sawyer screamed as several warriors
began climbing up the legs, trying to knock it down. Pushing the
throttle, he tried to make a break from the clearing, but the extra
weight was too much for the engine. The walker limped pitifully
under the load, then crashed to the ground.
Sawyer was thrown up against the side of the cabin, dazed. He
grabbed his blaster and cocked it, preparing himself. With an
awful tearing of metal, the top hatch was literally ripped off. He
cowered in terror as an enormous warrior, blood dripping from its
jaws, stuck its head inside and roared at him.
"Smile, you sonofabitch!" Sawyer screamed as he emptied his
blaster into its mouth, seemingly to no effect. The warrior merely
coughed, then slowly inhaled. Sawyer's ears popped as air was
sucked out of the cabin and into the creatures huge lungs. Then,
when its chest had expanded to maximum capacity, it exhaled a
torrent of fire, consuming the cabin in a mini-inferno. Sawyer
screamed as his eyes melted in their sockets.
Outside, Leia watched the conflagration out of the corner of
her eye. The rest of the walkers had now been similarly destroyed,
and all the humans were dead, including Moore, who had been crushed
under one of the falling vehicles. The warriors stepped among the
bodies, nudging them. When they were satisfied their work was
done, they bounded out of the clearing as quickly as they had come.
Leia breathed a sigh of relief. "What's next? Locusts?"
Four smaller ewoks scurried into the clearing, carrying what
looked like an enormous, long-barrelled propane torch. With
practiced motions, they set the torch down in front of the door to
the shield generator, then began putting on pairs of gloves and
protective goggles. Three of them then lifted the torch up to the
door, while the fourth lit the end of it with a blaster shot. The
torch ignited and its white-hot beam began cutting through the
thick metal of the door. "Damn," Leia shook her head in amazement.
"This crew is good."
In two minutes, they had cut a large, smoking hole, whereupon
one of them lifted a horn and blew on it. Another assembly of
ewoks emerged from the woods. In their midst was a hooded figure,
clad in a luxurious fur robe. They formed a shield around him as
he slowly ambled to the door and stepped through the hole.
When the last ewok had gone inside, the area was deserted.
Leia slowly got to her feet. Wasting no time, she began cautiously
walking out of the clearing. When she had nearly reached the
trees, she felt something prod her leg. She spun around.
A tiny ewok was standing behind her, brandishing his spear.
"Cut it out," she hissed. "I was just leaving."
"Saki ni omaeno kichouna chitsu no bunmitsu wo subete
chuushutsu shite shimau," the furry critter growled back.
"If you're saying my coming here was a bad idea, I totally
fucking agree with you," Leia said, holding up her hands. "So I'll
just be Audi 5000, and you little guys can...shoot missiles out of
your assholes, or whatever else you do." She turned around and
started walking.
The ewok bounded forward, raised its spear like a bat, and
threw all its weight behind it, whacking Leia on the skull. She
collapsed to the ground, unconscious.
*********
"CLOSER?!" Ackbar cried incredulously over the Falcon's com.
"Do I stutter, fishy?" Han shot back. "Yes, closer. Get as
close as you can, and engage those Star Destroyers at point blank
range!"
"IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, SOLO, I'D THINK YOU WANT US TO LOSE
THIS BATTLE."
"Look, Ackbar, I'm just as committed to...whatever it is
you're committed to as you are. Just stay outta my way." Han
closed the channel and laughed. "What a dumb-ass."
Numb entered the cockpit slowly, wearing a bath towel which he
had formed into a toga. His bare feet left slimy footprints on the
deckplates. He spoke serenely. "Has the sleeper awakened, Solo?"
Solo did a double-take. "What are you on?"
"I'm giddy with nausea. I'm high on no-thing."
"Well stay out of my stash. Sit your ass down and boost power
to the lateral deflector."
Numb sat down and put his feet up on the console. "I was
playing holo-chess. The computer's rook had just raped my queen,
and my king was pinned down. In frustration I tried to sweep the
pieces off the table, and my hand went right through them. Then I
realized--we are those chesspieces. We are all little holograms.
But we are also hollow-grams. You know, 'hollow'-grams. Spelled
H-O-L-L..."
"Yeah, yeah. Deep."
"We are transparent pawns sacrificed for a goal we don't
understand. There is only one rule--we must lose."
"That's great."
Just then Ackbar came over the speakers again. "SOLO?"
Han reluctantly responded. "Are you lonely or something?"
"WE'RE GETTING A READING ON THE SHIELD NOW. BUT THE WAVEFORM
RESEMBLES A TRACTOR BEAM MORE THAN A REPULSION FIELD. THOSE GIRLS
WERE SUPPOSED TO DEACTIVATE THE SHIELD, NOT MODIFY IT."
Han shrugged. "Women, right? What did you expect?"
*********
"This is gonna hurt like a sonofabitch." Luke ignited his
lightsaber and pressed the tip to the severed ends of Veers's legs,
cauterizing them and stopping the bleeding. Veers howled in agony
as the smell of cooked flesh and blood filled the room. Luke held
his arm to his nose. "Goddamn! That is pungent!"
Jack, lying against the throne with the newspaper spread out
before him, wept pitifully as he watched. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry."
"He knows you're sorry!" Luke shouted back. "Now shut up.
Take a little pride in your accomplishments."
A ComScan technician abruptly burst out of the turbolift and
ran across the room. "Emperor! Emperor!" He came to a stop in
front of Luke, breathless. "Emperor!"
"What?"
"The unidentified energy cloud has sent a message. It calls
itself 'V'der,' and it demands..."
Luke held up his hand. "Not another fuckin' word about that
thing. I don't give a shit if it demands a pepperoni pizza."
The technician swallowed nervously. "As you wish, Lord.
Uh...also we've lost contact with the shield crew on Endor.
Someone must have infiltrated the complex and modified the
generator--it's now emitting a tractor beam instead of a shield."
"Which means?"
"The Endor moon is being pulled toward us!"
Luke's eyes widened in horror. "Liar and slave!"
"I may be a slave, but you can kill me if I'm lying." The
technician stood firm, trembling slightly.
"Of course I can kill you if you're lying!" Luke roared. "I
can kill you if you're telling the truth!" He turned and looked
out the observation window. With the lights of the battle
twinkling all around it, the forest moon already appeared to be
growing slightly larger. He pounded the window in rage. "I'm the
Emperor, for fuck's sake! I could kill you for snoring too loud.
Or not loud enough! I could..." He spun around, only to find that
the technician had already hauled ass and disappeared into the
turbolift. Luke plopped down in his throne, disappointed. "Aw,
shit. He wasn't supposed to do that. Veers, can he do that?"
"I'll take care of him later, Lord," Veers replied, propping
himself up on his elbows. "So now what do we do? We can't knock
out the shield generator from up here."
"Yeah, well...so what? So what if part of the prophecy is
kicking in? I'm not fucked yet." Luke tapped his fingers on the
arm of the throne, thinking, then hit the com button. "ComScan!"
A voice came back through the speaker. "YES, LORD."
"Get word to all the other Death Star commanders. Tell them
I want them to move their stations in between Endor and Death Star
Prime. Like a row of billiard balls. Got that?"
"BUT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO PROVIDE COVER FOR THE FLEET."
"They're providing cover for my ass, shitbird." Luke stood
up, feeling rejuvenated. "Fuck it." He walked over to the plaque
and ignited his saber.
------------------------------
WHEN THINGS GET YOU DOWN, REMEMBER...
SKYWALKER SHALL NEVER VANQUISHED BE
UNTIL GREAT ENDOR WOOD TO THE HIGH DEATH STAR
SHALL COME AGAINST HIM.
AND ON TOP OF THAT...
NONE OF WOMAN BORN SHALL HARM YOU.
SO CHEER UP!
------------------------------
With the glowing tip of the saber, he carefully scratched out
lines two through five, then snapped the saber off and turned to
Veers. "Emperor Palpatine once said, 'Once you've eliminated
everyone who can't eliminate you, then whoever is left should be
eliminated.' So let's get to it." He whistled, getting everyone's
attention. "Who here wasn't born of woman?"
The eunuchs were puzzled. One stepped forward. "What do you
mean, Lord?"
"It's vague, but it's all we've got. Any kind of abnormal
process--test tube baby, in vitro fertilization, etc."
Another eunuch came forward, excited at being singled out. "I
was fertilized normally, then carried to term by a Kamarian social
worker."
"Close enough." Luke turned his saber back on, then gently
flicked it under the eunuch's chin, opening a gaping hole in his
throat. The eunuch collapsed, meekly trying to catch the blood
flowing from his neck and swallow it again.
"Anyone else?" The rest were silent as Luke looked them over.
"Are you sure? No analogy is too stretched." Despite his
reassurances, no one else spoke. He sighed and walked over to
Veers. "Guess I should have gotten them to come forward first,
then killed them all at once."
Veers shrugged. "We'll know next time."
Suddenly, a white-hot cloud of light appeared in the middle of
the throne room, blinding everyone. Crackling with energy, it
began moving around the room, emitting a deafening buzz.
"Aagh!" Luke covered his eyes. "Veers, what the hell is
this?!"
"Don't know," Veers shouted back, "But I bet my left nut it
has something to do with that mysterious energy cloud."
"I may hold you to that. What do we do?"
"Just ignore it. Maybe it'll go away."
After a few moments the light faded, revealing a somewhat
spruced-up, but still unmistakably personage in its place. His
familiar black armor was now a brilliant chrome color, and his
mechanical limbs were significantly bulkier, having apparently
received some kind of upgrade. His cold, rhythmic breathing cycle
was the only sound in the room as he straightened his cape and
drank a large soda, which he sucked calmly from a straw poking
through his facemask.
Luke sighed. "Somebody fuckin' beam me up."
The unexpected guest finished his soda and threw it aside.
"You boys shouldn't play so rough," he declared in sepulchral
tones. "Somebody's gonna start cryin.'"
Jack looked at a burnished nameplate which adorned the
figure's chest. "V'der?" he said.
V'der looked down at the plate, and wiped off a small gob of
ketchup which obscured the letter 'A.' "Not quite."
*********
Leia regained consciousness just in time to hear the roar of
the shuttle Tydirium's jets as it rose into the sky. Feeling a
rather awful pain in her back, she found herself slung underneath
a pole like slaughtered livestock, carried by a group of several
ewoks. She struggled vainly with her bonds as she watched the
shuttle disappear into the ionosphere, under the control of an
unknown pilot.
After 10 minutes of painful trekking through the woods, the
procession came to an underground opening, in between the enormous
roots of an ancient redwood. As she was carried into the darkness,
she addressed her furry conveyors. "I don't know if you can
understand me, but...my family is loaded. Any denomination you
want--credits, dollars, yen, rupees, ducats, pine cones, bits of
string..."
One ewok laughed. "Kanojowa oretachiga arayuru katachino
tsuuka wo haishi shite shimatta koto wo shiranainoda."
"Mata, ware ware no kouto ni hattatsu shita shakai ga onna
kara chuushutsu shita chitsu no bunmitsu wo nougyoyou ni tsukatte
ugoite iru kotoga wakatte inai," another pointed out.
"Ware ware no soushiki no utsukushisa wa sorega tan ni
jitsuryoku teki de aru dake denaku, erochikku desae aru ten da!"
the first ewok affirmed. The entire procession laughed heartily as
they entered an enormous underground chamber.
Leia gaped in astonishment--lining the walls were thousands of
honeycomb-like compartments, which appeared to be constructed of
feces. Hundreds of worker ewoks scuttled all over the
compartments, shitting out additional building material and shaping
it with stone trowels. The unfinished compartments were empty, but
others, most of them closer to the ground, were walled up with some
kind of translucent material.
Leia's pole was set on two support beams, and she was left
hanging alone. "Now what?" she sighed.
"Who's there? Who's there?" a voice cried feebly. It was
coming from a nearby compartment. Leia could barely make out what
looked like a half-digested humanoid, wrapped up in a pink-cocoon,
lying inside. "Kill me!" the thing moaned. "Kill me!"
"I'm tied up."
"Kill me anyway, you fuckin' bitch!"
"Don't curse, Monroe," another voice called out from an
adjacent compartment.
"Fuck you, Johnson!" Monroe shot back. "I just asked her if
she'd kill me."
"Well, I want someone to kill me too, but you don't see me
using that kind of language."
"Who made you the guru of Assisted Suicide Etiquette?"
"Listen, you assholes," a third compartment broke in. "If my
arms hadn't been digested, I'd kill both of you myself."
"Oh, look at Matheson, talkin' big," Monroe shot back
sarcastically. "He's a killer, he's a bad motherfucker."
"Fuck you, Monroe!"
Leia interrupted. "Who the hell are you people?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, with the way my colleagues are
acting," Johnson replied, "but we used to be Imperial
stormtroopers. My name is Johnson. And who might you be?"
"I'm..."
"Listen, you festering cunt sore," Monroe broke in. "All I
wanna know is--can you kill me?"
"No."
"Are you sure there's no chance you can kill me, you scrotum-
snarfing, snowball-spitting whore?"
"Good Lord, Monroe, be civil!" Johnson yelled.
Leia sighed. "No, there's no chance."
"Are you absolutely sure, you rug-munching, piss-drinking,
fuckin' diarrhea-slurping cunt?" Monroe continued.
"I told you, I'm tied up. You can stop insulting me."
"You call that an insult? Ha!" Monroe laughed. "I have not
yet begun to imprecate, you rag-dragging, pus-lubing, queef-
sniffing hunk of twat cheese!"
An awful rumbling began in the cavern, shaking the walls.
Leia looked around nervously. She began struggling with her bonds,
goading herself on as the rumbling grew. "Come on, Organa. You're
smart, think of something."
Out of the darkness, an enormous, hulking form emerged--the
ewok queen, looking like a cross between a duckbill platypus and a
giant locust. Unable to move itself, dozens of drone ewoks
scurried over it, rolling it toward Leia. The queen inadvertently
crushed many of them as she rolled, leaving a wide pulp of mangled
bodies behind her vast, distended egg sac (which resembled a condom
filled with peeled grapes). Leia swallowed and stepped up work on
freeing herself. "Okay, okay, work the problem."
"Give it up, you hair-chewing house of crabs," Monroe advised.
"I'd give anything to change places with you. Try LIVING here."
The monstrous queen rolled to a stop in front of Leia, an
awful smell wafting from its glistening mandibles. It reached out
with one long, insect-like arm and began stroking Leia's hair
tenderly. "My child," it croaked in a strangely human voice.
"You speak English?" Leia asked rhetorically.
"Enough to get by. Before the inevitable, I always grant the
chosen one a few moments to make a request."
"Anything?"
"Anything except, 'Let me go,' 'Cut me loose,' 'Don't kill
me,' etc."
Leia slowly gave up struggling. Realizing the end was near,
she sighed resignedly. "Okay, then. I have a question--are there
any good ones left?"
The queen's jaws scrunched up into what might be called a
smile. "Yes, there are. But they're not your type."
"That's what I figured," Leia lamented.
"I wish I could say you'll meet Mr. Right someday, but..."
The queen shrugged apologetically.
"Forget it," Leia replied. "So...this is it, huh?"
"This is it."
"I only have one regret," Leia reflected. "I've never told
anyone this, but my whole life, I've only ever really loved one
person. And that person's name was..."
Before she could finish, the queen was suddenly overcome with
appetite. "TIME'S UP!!" She grabbed Leia with three of her arms
and pulled her up to her mouth. "PUSSY GOOD!!" she roared as she
ripped Leia in half, throwing the upper torso to the floor and
sticking the lower torso in her mouth. Leia found the world
spinning around her as she fell, landing with a great thud. As her
vision dimmed, the last thing she saw was the queen sucking on her
lower half, shriveling it up like a Flavor-Ice tube.
"She was a lamp that burned too brilliantly," Johnson
spontaneously eulogized. "A flower which bloomed prematurely in a
mid-winter thaw, only to be buried in snow."
"God, I fucking wish you were dead, Johnson," Monroe moaned.
"Thank you, Monroe. I wish you were dead too."
*********
Luke was just about to make a sarcastic, off-color comment
when he suddenly felt a shooting pain in his temples. He backed up
against a wall, rubbing his forehead. "Whoa. Force headache.
God, I hate these."
Vader smiled patronizingly. "A great disturbance in the
Force? As if millions of voices cried out in terror and were
suddenly silenced?"
"No," Luke replied, slowly coming out of it. "More like a
medium-sized disturbance, as if my sister was just ripped in half
by some kind of pussy-eating cockroach."
"MOTHER!!" Jack screamed in anguish. "WILL THEY TRY TO BREAK MY BALLS!!?"
Luke shook the headache off and looked over his father's
refurbished body. "So let's get down to the exposition here. What
the fuck happened to you? I thought your dick was in the paint
when I blew you out that airlock over 20 years ago."
"You think that was the first time I've been exposed to the
pitiless vacuum of outer space?" Vader laughed. "I floated
between the stars for years, living entirely on a diet of comet
tails and astrobacteria. And let me tell you, that's no picnic.
You realize how long it takes to collect a mouthful of
astrobacteria? I had no one but myself for company. I had to be
my own cook, friend, confidant, priest, and lover." Vader paused,
reflecting. "In a situation like that, you have to play little
mind games to keep from going crazy--like seeing how many different
suggestive constellations you can make with a fixed number of
stars, then trying to break that record. Eventually I was picked
up by a race of superintelligent living machines. They refurbished
me and built me a nice mysterious energy cloud so I could come back
in style."
"So they thought you were a machine too?" Luke asked.
"Yeah, I didn't have the heart to tell them. So that's what
I've been doing for the past couple decades. Is everybody up to
speed now?"
Luke and Jack nodded affirmatively.
Vader nodded back. "Good. And now there's the little matter
of my bloody vengeance." Vader began advancing on Luke.
Jack stepped forward, wiping his tears away. "Father, who is
this?"
"Your grandpa," Luke said, backing away. "On both sides."
The three generations of Skywalkers formed a triangle, eyeing each
other warily.
Vader looked Jack over, shaking his head. "You should've worn
a prophylactic, Luke."
"Look who's talking," Luke shot back. "I don't seem to
remember you taking home the gold in Olympic Freestyle Parenting."
Vader sighed. "Do you think you'd have actually been better
off in a two-parent household? Sure, you may be compulsive and
dangerously neurotic, with a thousand unresolved complexes and
repressed developmental crises, but look how far all that emotional
pain has driven you. If you had never been alienated from me,
you'd probably still be back on that dustball, Twatooine or
whatever, collecting water. Now there's a glamorous job to talk
about at parties. 'Hi, I'm a pro-consul with the Imperial Senate.
I work with dignitaries and royalty. What do you do?' 'Me? I'm
the Water Guy. I work with water mostly.' Gimme a fuckin' break."
Vader hit a button on his chest panel, and his codpiece sprang
open. An absolutely horrendous-looking dildo emerged--17 inches
long, covered with razor-sharp hooks and cutting surfaces which
resembled cheese graters. "Behold," Vader declared majestically.
"A new and improved definition of pain and suffering, taking
advantage of all the latest irresponsible developments in alien
technology."
Luke shrugged. "I've seen worse."
"Looks can be deceiving, son. This isn't your average deadly
dildo. It's not limited to our three dimensions of spacetime.
This thing can fuck you in the fourth dimension as well."
Luke was puzzled. "Which means what, exactly?"
"It'll ream your asshole at all arbitrary points in space and
time, into the infinite past and future."
Jack addressed Vader. "Grandfather, I know you're a powerful
man, and I respect you, but you shouldn't be doing this."
"Well you're a fuckin' inbred fruitbasket, and I don't respect
you at all," Vader shot back. "So mind your fuckin' business."
Luke was still contemplating the dildo. "I'm not following
this. If it could fuck me in the past, wouldn't I be feeling it
already?"
Jack screamed. "GRANDPA, STOP POINTIN' THAT FUCKIN' DICK AT MY DAD!!"
Just as Vader leapt forward, Jack ignited Luke's lightsaber,
which he had picked up a few moments before, and brought it down on
the dildo, shearing it off with a huge shower of sparks. Vader
fell to the floor in front of Luke, screaming, while Jack collapsed
to his knees.
Luke looked at the smoking metal stump which used to be his
father's sexual outlet. He was reminded of his own mechanical
proboscis, which replaced the real organ his father had cut off of
him so many years ago. The irony made him laugh. "Man, this is
either really symbolic, or just fucked up." He looked at Jack and
warned him. "You better hold on to your prick with both hands,
junior. This is becoming a family tradition."
Vader suddenly grabbed Jack's nuts and squeezed them
viciously. "You little sonofabitch! You realize how much I had to
practice on a simulator to learn to use this thing! Ever
calibrated a joystick in four dimensions?!!"
Mustering all his strength, Jack reached up, grabbed the edges
of Vader's helmet, and ripped it off. Vader blinked, his face
revealed for the first time. "No! Don't look upon my ugliness!"
Luke examined his father's features for the first time--apart
from a small patch of scar tissue on his left cheek, Vader looked
pretty good. Even rather dashing, with a long mane of graying hair
flowing around his strikingly pale face and electric blue eyes.
"Damn, Dad, you're a knockout."
"Are you trying to be funny?" Vader yelled. "Excuse me, I
didn't realize contemporary beauty standards were liberal enough to
include those who've had their faces burned off by molten lava!"
"But your face wasn't burned off." Luke picked up his
father's helmet and held it in front of him, allowing him to see
his reflection in the chrome.
Vader was incredulous. "But...but...the doctors told me I was
permanently disfigured."
"They never gave you a mirror to look at?"
"No. As soon as the bandages came off they put me in the
Membrex 14 Fallen Angel Body Enhancement Suit."
"Yeah, well I hear those suits never sold very well. They
were probably just trying to clear out the stock."
Vader was enraged. "THOSE CHISELING COCKSUCKERS!!" He
squeezed Jack's scrotum tighter. "GODDAMN THEM!! GODDAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!!" He was still blinking, his eyes unaccustomed to the light. "WILL SOMEONE TURN OUT THE FUCKING LIGHTS!!"
Luke leaned over Jack, who was still wincing in pain. "You
heard your grandpa, Jack-O. Turn out the lights."
With a primal cry of rage, Jack took Vader's head in his hands
and pressed his thumbs into his eyes. Vader screamed. Blood began
to pour out over Jack's hands. He pressed harder and harder until
his thumbs had sunk all the way in, then he wiggled and twisted
them. Vader's hands slipped from Jack's groin.
Luke suddenly got another Force headache as his father
expired. He shook his head and rubbed it, annoyed. "Yeah, yeah,
I know. I'm standing right here, for Christ's sake."
Jack pulled at the sides of Vader's skull until finally it
flew apart, cracking his handsome but bloody face down the middle
like a coconut. He grabbed what was left of the brain, ripped it
from the spinal cord, and threw it against a wall. Luke was
astonished at this grotesque display. "Holy shit!"
"I told you he had potential," Veers shouted out from across
the room. "Together, you can rule the galaxy as father and son."
Tears streamed down Jack's face as he stood up. "I've lost
everything I believe in--my philosophy of non-violence, my sense of
decency, my mother, and all feeling in my testicles. I even said
'fuck.' I'm not a Jedi."
"Hey, fuck that!" Luke scolded, punching Jack in the shoulder.
"Of course you're a Jedi. You just killed Darth-fucking-Vader! I
think it's safe to say we can skip the written part of the test!"
"No, father. I am...nothing."
"Are you kidding me?" Luke stumbled over his words, excited.
"That part, you know...where you just took..." He imitated Jack's
killing technique with his hands. "...and ripped his fuckin'...and
threw the brain...Splat! I've never seen anything like that! If
I killed somebody like that my dick would be hard for a month."
"I can't join you, father. I must atone for my sins. I must
learn to love again, to follow the petals of the lightflower."
"Oh..." Luke whined, frustrated. "Shit!"
*********
Han watched the scene in disbelief--Nine Death Stars arranged
in a row directly between Death Star Prime and the inexorably
approaching forest moon. DS9 began to flare brilliantly as it
slipped into the moon's atmosphere. Han shook his head. "Luke
must still be calling the shots from somewhere."
Abruptly, a series of voices sounded over conference channel
14--the official rebel boasting channel:
"WHEEOOO!! THIS IS BETTER'N A HOG-KILLIN!!"
"I FART ION CANNON SHOTS!! I SHIT PROTON TORPEDOES!! MY ASSHOLE SHOULD BE ON THE COVER OF VOGUE!!"
Han laughed. "They're posturing like a bunch of faggot
bodybuilders. You'd think they were winning or something."
"IT'S GONNA BLOW!! THIS STAR DESTROYER IS GETTIN' STRAIGHT STAR-DESTROYED!!"
The smile slipped from Han's face as the Star Destroyer
Redistributor, one of the tactical lynchpins of the Imperial Fleet,
suddenly erupted into a gigantic ball of gas and wreckage.
"Wa...wait a second," he stuttered in disbelief. "That's not
supposed to happen. That was an accident, right?"
"Don't worry, Solo," Numb replied. "It will all be over
soon." He calmly accessed the co-pilot's controls and opened up
the Drive Systems program group.
Ackbar's voice came over the boasting channel. "I SAW IT,
BOYS, GREAT WORK. BUT I THINK WE KNOW WHO'S REALLY WINNING THIS BATTLE. THE MAN WITHOUT WHOM WE'D PROBABLY ALL BE DEAD ALREADY--
THE COURAGEOUS CORELLIAN, GENERAL HAN SOLO."
Scattered applause was heard. Han turned on his mike,
puzzled. "Hey, assholes, I thought the sarcastic remarks were
supposed to be on channel 15?"
"NO SARCASM HERE, SOLO. I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU EARLIER. YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT ENGAGING THEM POINT BLANK."
A chill ran up Han's spine. "I was?"
"YES. WITH THE DEATH STARS OUT OF THE PICTURE, THE FLEET DOESN'T HAVE ADEQUATE COVER. I THINK WE MAY WIN THIS FIGHT."
"Oh..." Han hesitated. "Uh...well, maybe we should try
something different now. You know, to keep them off guard."
"NO, NO, DON'T SECOND GUESS YOURSELF. IT WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS." Ackbar laughed. "I KNEW PROMOTING YOU WASN'T A MISTAKE. YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD ORGANA BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT IT. SHE SAID STUFF LIKE, 'SOLO HAS ALL THE TACTICAL SKILL OF A BLIND YUZZU
M. PUTTING HIM IN CHARGE OF AN ATTACK IS LIKE MAKING A PEDOPHILE PYROMANIAC HEAD OF AN ORPHANAGE MADE OF DRY LEAVES.'"
Han began slapping himself on the forehead, grinding his teeth
and kicking the bulkheads. "Fuck! Shit! Fuck! Asshole!"
Numb pulled down the 'Options' menu in Drive Systems, and
brought up the Matter/Antimatter dialog box. "Poor little Solo.
Only now, at the end, does he understand."
"I KNEW THERE WAS MORE TO YOU THAN MONEY," Ackbar declared adoringly. He cleared his throat and began singing somewhat off-
key. "FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD SOLO..." Dozens of other pilots
joined in the chorus.
Han stopped hitting himself, then slowly began to cry. "I'm
so stupid...so fuckin' stupid!"
"...FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD SOLO...AND SO SAY ALL OF US!!"
Han pulled of his pilot's gloves and dropped them on the
floor. "Man, I feel like King Midas's retarded brother--everything
I touch turns to shit. What was the point of all this again?" he
asked no one in particular.
"Have you had enough, Solo?" Numb asked, as he clicked the
'Degrade' option in the containment submenu.
"Yeah, I've had enough. Let's get out of here."
"So you're ready to take the Final Jump?"
"Yeah, this is starting to feel like the longest offensive of
all time. Let's split."
"You're the skipper." Numb leaned back in his chair and
smiled. "'In the beginning, the Maker created the heaven and the
earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was
upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of the Maker moved upon
the face of the waters like a high-quality Membrex hover-raft,
available wherever recreational vehicles are sold...'"
Han frowned. "Hey...what exactly did you mean by 'Final
Jump?' Does that mean, like, a really long-distance jump?"
"And the Maker said, 'Let there be light...'"
Han tried to think of a good vacation system. "I'm thinking
maybe we could head for Bestine, or Thon, or..."
His sentence was cut off as the Millennium Falcon's Drive
system went into imbalance and blew up, vaporizing the ship.
*********
"Come, father," Jack exhorted, holding out his bloody arms.
"Let us embrace at last."
"Uhh..." Luke backed away slowly. "I'm not really into public
displays of affection. Not platonic displays, anyhow."
"Let go of your hate, father. Let Ashla show you the way."
"Veers!" Luke shouted. "He's trying to hug me!"
"Looks like we failed, Lord," Veers shouted back. "You might
want to wrap this up now. DS 9 and 8 have already hit Endor, and
it ain't stopping for shit. DS 7 will be history in a few more
seconds. We haven't got much time."
"Right." As Luke was backed into a corner, he noticed his
lightsaber lying on the floor a few feet away. "Here goes
nothing." He extended his arm and did his best to let the Force
flow in an attempt to whisk the weapon into his hand. It refused
to move. "Come on, come on!" he hissed
"I'm coming, father!" Jack replied.
"Not you, shithead!" He concentrated harder and the saber
began to roll slightly. "That's it, come on...come on, god-
fuckin'-damn you! Force, are you there? Hello, Force!?" His back
bumped against the wall--he had nowhere else to go. Then at the
last possible moment, the saber whizzed off the floor and sailed
into his hand.
Jack bent over him, his arms still outstretched. Luke fumbled
with the saber and ignited it. The beam flared out and buried
itself in Jack's stomach. Jack's mouth hung open as he looked at
the end of the saber, buzzing in his abdomen. Luke shrugged
sheepishly. "Sorry. My personal space is very important to me."
Outside, through the window, there was a tremendous flash as
DS 7 impacted on the surface of Endor. Jack stood motionless for
a moment, bathed in light, an expression of hurt and shock on his
face. Then slowly, agonizingly, he pulled himself closer, further
impaling himself on the saber until it popped out of his back.
When he had pulled himself close enough, he embraced Luke
tightly...then died.
Luke got another terrible pain in his head. "Aaah...not
again. Does anybody have any aspirin?" With difficulty, he tried
to extricate himself from Jack's arms, but he was held tight.
Finally he had to whip the saber from side to side, cutting the
body in half. He squirmed out from under Jack's arms, then got to
his feet. "And that's that." The headache had dissipated, but he
was beginning to feel the Acnetrex pangs again. He wiped sweat
from his brow and looked out the window at the spectacle of Endor,
its atmosphere clouded by the vaporized wreckage of three Death
Stars, looming ever larger. "Looks like they're closing down the
store on us, Veers."
"Won't be the first time." Veers snapped his fingers, and two
Imperial eunuchs grabbed him and hoisted him up between them. "One
day, maybe we'll build a station that won't get blown up."
Luke walked over to the turbolift and hit the down button. He
addressed the remaining eunuchs. "Alright, kids, it's a long
elevator ride to the main docking bay. The lift only takes five,
so we're not going to have enough time to get everyone out before
Endor hits. But we're all adults here, so let's try to stay
rational."
The lift doors opened quietly behind him. Luke looked over
the assembly, then smirked. "LAST ONE IN'S A ROTTEN EGG!" He
quickly stepped inside and hit the DOOR CLOSE button.
Veers smacked the two eunuchs who were holding him. "GO!!"
They spirited him over to the lift at top speed, staying just ahead
of the mad, castrated horde which was rushing in the same
direction. They managed to jump into the lift just as the doors
were closing. Before they could close completely, one more person
squeezed in--a tall hooded eunuch. The doors slammed shut, leaving
the rest of the group screaming outside.
Luke hit the button for the main docking bay, then leaned back
as the lift lurched into motion. "Everybody get comfortable."
*********
After about 10 minutes of awkward silence, accompanied only by
the irritating strains of elevator music, Luke finally decided to
speak up. He addressed the two shorter eunuchs, who were leaning
up against one wall, having set Veers on the floor. "So...how long
have you guys been...you know...two cards short of a pair?"
The one on the right answered first, in a perfect soprano.
"About a month, Lord."
"Getting used to it?"
"I'm...doing my best. The support meetings are helpful. It's
tough, though. I still have dreams about...women. Then I wake up
and...when I reach down, they're just not there."
"Rough." Luke addressed the other one. "How 'bout you?"
"Two years, Lord," the other responded.
Over the ceiling speaker, a vocal accompaniment drifted into
the lift, singing along with the musak. "'Star Wars...nothin' but
Star Wars...Gimme those Star Wars...Don't let them end...'"
"So how did you make the decision? I mean, did you just get
tired of them?" Luke enquired.
"Not quite," the eunuch replied. "I was in training to be a
stormtrooper, but then I got randomly selected for this detail.
Boy, did the other recruits make fun of me."
("'Star Wars...If they should bar wars...Please let these Star
Wars...Stay...'")
"What'd they do?"
"The usual stuff--leaving meatballs in my bed. And lots of
bad jokes--'Yeah, that guy must really be nuts for the service.'
Or, 'It really takes balls to handle that duty.'"
("'And hey, how 'bout that crazy Star Wars bar...Can you
forget all the creatures in there?'")
"How 'bout you, Fidel Castrato?" Luke asked the hooded eunuch,
who had been standing silently the whole ride. "When did you say
bon voyage to the boys?"
"I didn't," he growled.
("'And hey, Darth Vader in his black and evil mask...Did he
scare you as much as he scared me?'")
"Come again," Luke said. "You mean you're still carrying?"
"That's right."
"I don't believe it," the recently-altered eunuch squeaked
incredulously. "How did you get past the final inspection?"
"Just tucked my sac between my legs," the man replied coldly.
("'Star Wars...Those near and far wars...'")
"Shit, I can't stand this anymore." Luke reached down, pulled
a small blaster from Veers's belt, and pointed it up at the
speaker. ("'STAR WA...'") The voice was cut off as the speaker
exploded in a shower of sparks, filling the lift with smoke.
The eunuchs were still amazed. "You tucked it between your
legs!? That actually worked?" The recently-altered eunuch began
beating his head in frustration, moaning. "Oh my God...Oh my
God..." He stroked his groin in anguish while the other eunuch
simply stared straight ahead, too devastated to speak.
Luke scrutinized the eunuch-imposter. "So if you're not,
strictly speaking, an Imperial eunuch...what are you?"
"Your worst nightmare, Rogue Leader!" The man whipped a tiny
blaster out from under his robe and leveled it at Luke's face.
Without missing a beat, Luke in turn stuck his blaster under the
man's nose. They stared at each other, unblinking.
"I had a bad feeling about you," Luke said. "So who are you?"
The man pulled back his hood. He was a fairly nondescript-
looking guy with dark brown hair. "The name's Wedge. You killed
my entire snowspeeder group on Hoth, remember? From that day I
swore vengeance."
Luke frowned, then slowly remembered. "Oh...yeah. I swore
one day I'd kill you too. Well this is convenient, isn't it?"
Luke stuck out his tongue and licked Wedge's blaster mockingly. "I
hate to break this to you, Wedge, but I bear a charmed life, which
must not yield to one of woman born. Or did you miss that part?"
"Fuck your charm, and let the dark side which thou still hast
served tell thee--Wedge was from his mother's womb untimely
ripped!"
Luke blinked at him. "What?"
"He means he was a C-section," Veers explained. "This could
be a problem."
A trace of fear appeared on Luke's face...only to be replaced
with indignation. "No, no, no, no, no. Bullshit. Buuuulll-shit.
You don't count."
"But I wasn't born naturally," Wedge declared.
"Yes, you were. You still came from a woman."
"But if you take 'born' to mean the actual process of
expelling the baby from the womb..." Wedge argued.
"Look it's my fuckin' prophecy, not yours." Luke was getting
increasingly agitated as the Acnetrex burn bore down on him. "I
mean, I'll give you the Endor Wood thing, but this is fucking
ridiculous. What do you think, Veers?"
"Hard to say, Lord."
"I mean, if he was a test-tube kid, then maybe..."
Wedge jammed his gun into Luke's eye. "Enough stalling.
Yield thee, coward!"
Luke tried to bring himself under control. His lip trembled
slightly as he spoke. "Although the Endor Wood be come to the
Death Star, and thou opposed possibly being of no woman born,
depending on how you define it, yet will I kick your ass. Lay on,
Wedge, and damned be him..." Luke trailed off, as he looked at
something behind Wedge's left shoulder. "Hey...what is that behind
you?"
Wedge turned his head slightly. "Where...?" With his eyes
averted, Luke took his opportunity--He pushed Wedge's arm away and
fired into his face point blank. Wedge flew up against the far
wall, firing his own weapon wildly. Luke dropped into a duck-and
cover position as Wedge's shots began ricocheting off the magnetic
surfaces of the lift walls, creating a lethal network of criss-
crossing laser bolts.
In another second, it was over. Luke slowly looked up--Wedge
was dead, with a huge gaping hole where his left eye used to be.
Luke examined himself--he was totally unscathed. He began shouting
madly with glee. "HA HA! It's official, sports fans--thou wast
born of woman! I can't believe you fell for that!" Luke was so
excited he was still alive he found himself getting erect. "That's
right, big guy!" he addressed his rising organ. "Blasters I smile
at, thermal detonators laugh to scorn, brandished by man that's of
a woman born!"
Carried along by the moment, Luke pulled his robe open,
grabbed Wedge's lolling head, and shoved his cock into the open eye
socket. "Finally--piece of mind!!" He skullfucked and laughed
wildly, his temperature rising as the Acnetrex craving drove him
closer to delirium. "'Piece' of mind! Ha ha! Get it, Veers?"
There was no answer. "Veers?" He looked around, and suddenly
realized that everyone else had been killed by the bouncing blaster
shots. Veers and the eunuchs lay in a tangle of smoking limbs.
Luke shook his head. "Better you than me, amigo."
Just then the lift stopped, and the door opened. Luke looked
out upon the mad tableau that was the main docking bay--thousands
of people running in all directions, desperately trying to find a
way off the station. Several passers-by stopped and gawked at the
horrific scene in the lift.
"What the fuck are you lookin' at? Haven't you ever seen..."
Luke tried to get to his feet, but realized that Wedge's eye socket
was still hooked on his penis. "Uhh...never mind." With an awful
squelching sound, he pulled himself out, letting the body drop to
the floor. Then, mustering all the Imperial dignity he could, he
wiped off his dick, closed his robe, and stepped outside.
Most officers didn't give him a second glance as they
scrambled and fought madly for evacuation methods. He looked
around for a suitable escape ship, struggling to focus his eyes.
Every available TIE fighter, TIE bomber, garbage scow, and cargo
lifter was swamped with evacuees. One fighter was trying to lift
off with about twenty people hanging desperately from the solar
panels. "Whoo-hoo!" one of them yelled, clinging to the outside of
the cockpit as the ship began to glide toward the bay entrance.
"I'm saved!"
Luke laughed and shouted up at the man. "Hey, I hate to break
this to you, but there's something you haven't considered!"
"Really?" The man frowned down at him, racking his brain.
"What's that?"
"You're gonna be kicking yourself when you realize." Luke
shook his head and moved on. But before he could take another
step, a rather pimply-faced private stumbled into his path,
shouting at no one in particular. "LEIA!! HEAR ME!! LEIA, MY
LOVE!! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!!"
Luke grabbed the private and spun him around. "What are you
talking about?"
"Leia was supposed to meet me! She promised!! LEIA!!"
"If it's my sister you're talking about, forget it. She's
history. Dead. Plus she was like a hundred years old, anyway."
Dunbar gaped at him, unbelieving. "No...no...she's coming."
Luke pinched a particularly large, whitish pustule on Dunbar's
nose, popping it. Dunbar cried out in pain as Luke wiped his
fingers off on his uniform. "I don't know where you get your
delusions, pizza-face."
Dunbar sank to his knees crying. Luke moved on, pushing
people out of his way. "There must be a decent ship here
somewhere." Then, out of the corner of his eye, he noticed an odd
spectacle--R2D2 being chased by a group of midgets.
"Goddamnit!" R2 yelled at them, "For the last fucking time,
I'm not an escape pod!"
Luke made his way over and began firing shots into the group,
killing and wounding several of them, and scaring away the rest.
R2 rolled to a stop and fixed his red eye on him. "Well, well.
Emperor Skinpopper. I figured you'd have your own escape pods
somewhere."
"Escape pods?" Luke laughed. "The Imperial engineers refused
to install any. 'An affront to their professional reputations.'"
R2 leered mischievously up at him. "So I'm guessing you need
another hit. Well not until you find us passage off this fuckin'
station. Then afterwards, you'll live as my slave. If you
disagree..." R2 extended his syringe and waggled it mockingly.
"No more skywalking for you. Deal?"
Luke looked down at the dripping syringe, drooling for the
precious fluid inside. But then he shored up his resolve and shook
his head. "Not this time, motherfucker." With all his strength,
he grabbed one of R2's legs, lifted it, and tipped him over.
R2 landed on his back with a thud, then almost immediately
began laughing. "Is that the best you can do?" He began kicking
with his legs, trying to right himself--with no success. His
laughter subsided as his thrashing grew more frantic. "Wait a
second...I'll be erect again shortly..." Hatches began popping
open all over his body as he searched for an implement which might
get him back on his feet. Drills, saws, dildos, computer plugs,
microscopes, CD trays, scalpels, straws, toothpicks, toenail
clippers, and all manner of other tools popped out randomly--all
useless. "Goddamnit!" he yelled.
Luke smiled malevolently. "You've got enough crap there to
give the whole Swiss army a hard-on. But you ain't going nowhere."
R2 gave up struggling and adopted a conciliatory tone. "Okay.
I know we've had our differences. We've both said things we didn't
mean. But no hard feelings, huh? Ready for that shot?"
Luke grabbed R2's syringe and stuck it into a vein. "Punch
it." R2 injected the drug, and Luke felt his sickness subsiding.
"Oh...that's the flavor." He stood up, rubbing his arm. "But
before I help you, I want the recipe for this Acnetrex stuff."
"Um..." R2's head swiveled nervously from side to side.
"What's Acnetrex?" Luke kicked him, putting a dent in his side.
"Ow! Okay, okay." R2 lowered his voice. "Water, eggs, and
flour."
Luke stared at him. "That's it?"
"That's it. Can I get up now?"
Luke shook his head, unbelieving. "Twenty fuckin' years, and
all the best biochemists in the Empire couldn't figure out 'water,
eggs, and flour!?'"
"Come on, help me up!" R2 whined. "I'm scared!"
Luke kicked the droid viciously in his red photoreceptor,
smashing it. "Scared? How do you think I feel? I've been sick
for two decades because my cells were addicted to water, eggs, and
flour! No wonder I always felt better when I ate birthday cake."
"Help me!" R2 cried.
Luke leaned over and dribbled a lunger into R2's broken eye.
"Fuck you." Luke kicked him one more time, then walked away.
Amazingly, an Imperial shuttle was actually landing in the
bay, rather than taking off. Luke smiled. "Ah, my ride. Somebody
up there must like me." On the side of the shuttle was its name--
TYDIRIUM. The craft landed in front of him, its boarding ramp
dropping.
Blasts of steam obscured the hooded pilot as he walked down
the ramp. He was dressed entirely in ewok skins. "Emperor," the
pilot said, in a strangely-familiar accent, "I have been expecting
you." Crowding behind the pilot was a group of ewoks, brandishing
their spears and growling.
Luke frowned. "Wait a minute...I know that voice."
The pilot slowly pulled back his hood. Golden light bathed
Luke's face as his eyes bulged in terror. "No...you're dead! We
killed you! We killed you!"
"Good droids don't die," C3P0 snarled, reaching out for Luke's
throat. "They just lay low until they're resurrected for last
minute plot contrivances. Now, finally...Die, you sonofabitch!"
He began choking him. "Die, already! Die! Look in my fuckin'
eyes! DIE!!"
"NO!" Luke shrieked, struggling to break free, his face
reddening. "NO! This is ridiculous!" He bared his teeth, pushing
against 3P0's metallic grip with all his might.
The other evacuees stopped their frantic rushing momentarily
to watch the spectacle. Some of them began shouting advice:
"Give it up, asshole."
"Just die. Get it over with."
"We all gotta go sometime."
"What's the problem, Skywalker? You too good to die?"
"FUCK ALL OF YOU!" Luke screamed, finally breaking free. He
found himself surrounded by a throng of jeering spectators. "I'LL
NEVER DIE!!" he howled at them. "DO YOU HEAR ME?!! I'LL NEVER FUCKING DIE!!"
Just then...a blaster shot streaked out of the crowd and hit
him squarely in the stomach. He collapsed in shock. Another shot-
-his left hand was blown off. He screamed and looked for the
source. The faces in the circle began laughing at him. Another
blast--his right ear was blown off. "AAAAGH! WHO THE FUCK IS
DOING THAT?" He whipped his head around, scanning the circle as
another shot hit his shoulder. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"
The blasts stopped, then the throng slowly parted. Private
Dunbar, his nose still dripping pus and blood, stepped slowly
forward, a smoking blaster in his hand. "You!" Luke cried.
"I loved a woman once," Dunbar said. "Her name was Leia
Organa. I loved her. No one has the right to make fun of that."
"But..." Luke looked down at his burned body. "But...you're
nobody, you're...Wait, how were you born?"
"I loved her, and she loved me." Dunbar put the blaster on
its highest setting, then pointed it at Luke's neck. "Our love is
stronger than death."
"Look, I'm not arguing with you! But how were you born!?"
Dunbar cocked his head. "In a hospital."
"To a woman?"
"Of course."
"C-section? Test tube? In vitro?"
Dunbar kept shaking his head. "No."
Luke turned to 3P0. "But...the prophecy."
3P0 shrugged. "Guess I came here for nothing."
"But the ghosts told me..."
"'The ghosts told you?' Listen to yourself," 3P0 chided him.
"Ghosts get bored. Sometimes they have to blow off steam like
anyone else."
"Life without Leia isn't life at all," Dunbar declared grimly.
Luke turned back to Dunbar. "Look, kid, you're just horny.
I know what that's like." Luke smiled ingratiatingly. "But if
there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that pussy's
cheap. Every time a girl closes her legs, a zipper goes down
somewhere else. When one spits, another swallows. When one..."
He frowned as the world suddenly turned topsy turvy, spinning
like a merry go round. Then everything--the hangar bay, Dunbar,
3P0, the evacuees, and finally the universe as he knew it, simply
disappeared.
*********
Luke found himself faced with a blinding light. He blinked
into it. "Uh...what's going on?"
A somewhat nasally voice called out from the light. "Can you
move a bit to the right, please?"
Luke shifted over, finding that his whole body was intact
again. He turned around, and found himself standing in front of an
enormous bluescreen. Next to him was a barrel. "Where am I?"
Another light snapped on next to the first. When his eyes
adjusted, he realized that the lights were just that--tungsten
lamps set on tripods. "What's going on?"
"Somebody give him a script," the voice said quietly.
Ben Kenobi, clad in his familiar brown cloak, stepped out of
the shadows and handed Luke an enormous stack of paper. On the
cover it read: "STAR WHORES 10: A NEW GROPE. Or, THE BALLS OF THE REPUBLIC."
"We're doing scene sixty, page 203," Ben said, unbuckling his
pants. "We'll be superimposed on the background plate later. Just
try not to fuck up. The Director's a real perfectionist."
"What are you doing here, Old man?"
"I'm under contract."
Ben pushed Luke over the barrel and pulled down his pants. A
motion control camera, set atop a crane, lowered slowly to the
level of his asshole. With a mounting feeling of dread, Luke
flipped to page 203 and found a description of the most disgusting
gang-rape scene he had ever come across. So disgusting, in fact,
that I'm too tired to describe it. Just trust me, it was gross.
Behind Ben, other figures appeared--Vader, comfortably encased
in his old armor; Jack, grinning malevolently with an enormous
erection; Han, smiling lopsidedly and twirling his blaster; Chewie,
growling menacingly; Leia, whistling a merry tune as she taped
sandpaper over the outside of a huge strap-on dildo. All the major
figures of his life stretched into the darkness, waiting their
turn. "I've got a bad feeling about this," Luke muttered. "Like,
cosmically fuckin' bad."
"Quiet, please," the Director said from behind the light.
"Bury your feelings deep down, Luke," Ben advised. "Otherwise
you are gonna be one sore sonofabitch." He took a small tin of
vaseline from his cloak and handed it to him. "Grease up. And
remember, you've got to make that last. Like, really, really,
really last."
Luke sighed. "So this is the afterlife? Me getting assfucked
for all eternity? That's the best God can come up with?"
"Go easy on him, he's under a lot of pressure. Isn't this
what you expected?"
Luke thought for a moment, looking back over his life, and the
choices that had led his spirit here. "Yeah, pretty much. At
least God's consistent."
The Director coughed quietly and cleared his throat.
"Action."
*********
Dunbar's laser blast tore into Luke's neck, severing his head
and sending it rolling across the floor. The ewoks immediately
scrambled for it, fighting over it like a football. Finally, one
of them managed to jam it on the end of his spear and raise it
triumphantly. The crowd cheered. Luke's final facial expression
was one of confusion--mouth open slightly, brow furrowed. The
ewoks began chanting and surrounding Dunbar. "HAIL, EMPEROR!"
3P0 stepped forward. "Hail Emperor, for so thou art. Behold
where stands th' cocksucker's cursed head." He pulled Luke's head
off the spear and handed it to Dunbar, who stared at it glumly.
"Scoop it out. Might make a nice flowerpot. And now, if you'll
excuse us." 3P0 turned on his heel and began walking back to the
ship, with his ewok retinue in tow.
"HEY!!" R2 cried out, still lying on the deck. "What's going
on? Somebody help me! Please! I can do dishes, I can suck dick,
I can wipe floors! I don't wanna die! Aw, come on, somebody!"
3P0 paused, cocking his shining head. "I know that whine."
*********
R2 blinked as his visual matrix flared back to life. He was
blinded "Whoa. The iris is open too wide."
3P0 made an adjustment to the new photoreceptor and shook his
head. "Stupid little short circuit. Didn't I tell you never to
hang around on Death Stars?"
"Yeah, yeah." R2 took in his surroundings. They were in the
shuttle, slowly moving out of range of the Death System, which was
breathing its last. R2 glanced at the rear view on the monitor--
All the minor Death Stars were obliterated. Endor appeared to be
resting on the surface of Death Star Prime. "Funny," he said, the
damage doesn't look as bad from..."
Just then DS Prime flared into an incredible explosion as
Endor penetrated it. "Never mind." The fireball expanded outward
relentlessly, swallowing up whatever was left of the Rebel and
Imperial fleets, which had been fighting on obliviously.
Eventually it dissipated, leaving only twinkling bits of debris.
R2 turned and looked back into the cabin. The ewoks were lounging
around comfortably, gambling and picking parasites. "These things
with you?"
"Yup," 3P0 replied. "They think I'm some sort of God."
"Isn't it against your programming to impersonate a deity?"
"Programming, schmogramming. Why mess up a good thing?"
"So what happened to you all these years? How did you
reassemble yourself after Skywalker and Solo blew you away on
Tatooine? And how did you get off Tatooine before Skywalker blew
it up? And how'd you..."
"Oh, switch off, bucketbutt," 3P0 snapped. "There are
perfectly good answers to all those questions, but does it really
matter now?" 3P0 brought the shuttle into a comfortable bank,
surveying the surrounding stars. Then, rather conveniently, a
magnificent spiral galaxy slid into view--an extraordinary whorl of
color, light, and promise, sparkling in front of them like an open
treasure chest.
R2 whistled. "Never noticed that there before." He looked
over the countless points of light in the galaxy--each one a star
system with millions of stars, circled by billions of planets,
inhabited by trillions of life forms, whose bodies acted as hosts
to quadrillions of tiny parasites, and so forth. He leaned back in
his chair. "3P0, do you think the human adventure is just
beginning?"
"No."
As they shot into hyperspace, the stars got all long and
twisty. 3P0 started cracking his knuckles and rubbing his golden
codpiece. R2 looked down at it and found himself getting a bit
horny. He smiled to himself (which, technically speaking, is the
only way he could). He didn't know how much time they'd have
together. Who does? I don't. And that's that.
_______________________________________________________
WARNING: The preceding saga contained sex, oral sex, anal sex,
violent sex, sex with aliens, homosexual sex, unprotected sex, sex
with no emotional involvement, incestuous sex, sex without consent,
sex with the dead, profanity, futuristic drug abuse, and extremely
gratuitous violence. Not to mention copyrighted characters engaged
in various activities (see above). Permission to use said
characters was neither requested, nor obtained, by the author.
Questions/comments/requests: jfmorris@capaccess.org
COMING IN 1997-STAR WHORES: THE SPECIAL EMISSIONS.
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