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Celeste's Top 100 Stories of 1997
Original Reviews in Alphabetical Order (S-Z)

"The Stepford Wives" by Rhett Dreams (reposted by somogy1@hotmail.com) Guest
review by Piper

Funny.  I've learned more about classical literature from reading "smut" in
ass than I did all through school, university, and the many years of normal
reading since.  That's probably because my interests lie in other genres, like
scifi, fantasy, comic books, and the like.  This means I have absolutely no
bias when (and no basis for) comparing this story with the original.  Having
said that, I think that Rhett's version is probably not as literary as the
original, but it is probably much hotter and more titillating.  

If you've never read the book or seen the movie (there is a movie, isn't
there?), there is something strange going on in the town of Stepford, Kansas.
Something very strange.  All of the women are perfect.  Not physically
perfect, of course, but perfectly made up, perfectly dressed, perfectly
mannered, and perfectly wonderful wives and mothers.  Too perfect.  Scary
perfect.  There's a reason for this perfection.  He's called Dr. Richard
Poulson -- aka Joseph Mengele, Jr.

He's controlling their minds, using drugs.  But if you think this might be a
normal run-of-the-mill mind control story, you would be wrong.  Dr. Poulson
has much greater ambitions than a small town like Stepford could ever contain.
Who else is in on this plot?  Just about every male resident of the town, of
course.  When will his ambitions break loose?  Soon.  Very soon.

Into this cauldron of depravity comes a couple of strangers and their little
girl.  These are normal, every day people.  The doctor, in order to protect
his dirty secrets, must incorporate these newcomers into his web.  The husband
must be seduced and compromised.  The wife must be processed.  All without
their knowledge, of course.  He orders his minions to see to it.  When they
try, complications arise.

I liked this story.  There are plenty of plot twists.  There are genuine bad
guys and good guys.  There is evil aplenty.  There is tons of sex of all types
and varieties and degrees of heat.  Being a MC story, naturally a fair bit of
it occurs without one or more of the participants' informed consent.
Sometimes it occurs without their knowledge.  Sometimes it involves whips and
chains and crops and the like.  Definitely not for the faint of heart, but
definitely interesting and engrossing.

There are a couple of things that bothered me.  One was the need for a final,
thorough, proofreading.  I hate getting deeply involved in a story, only to be
thrown out of my carefully built up mental world by a wordsmithing problem.
Another was the ending.  I don't know how closely this story mirrors the
original, but the ending was a little hokey.  Minor hokey, but hokey none the
less.  Maybe that's just me and my non-literary judgementalism.  I'm sure
there will be lots of folks who will enjoy the ending.

Despite these minor flaws, I loved the story.  It's worth a read.  But be
warned -- it's long.  410k long.  I don't know how many words that translates
into, but it's a lot!  (I just got told it's around 75,000 words by one of my
lady friends.  Even she liked the story!)

"Stocking Filler" by Bronwen (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com). The husband has
promised to get the best Santa costume ever.  The wife has skipped midnight
mass and has sexed herself up to give Santa the ride of his life.  The rest of
the plot is easy to guess: the wife will fuck the brains out of the wrong
person.  Right?  'Tis a simple plot, but Bronwen will make it interesting.
Right?

Well, close - but way off!  This is an extremely imaginative, highly sexy,
magical, just plain erotic story of Christmas sex.  I'm not even going to try
to summarize it any further.  If you're interested in Christmas or sex or
pagan gods or anything in between or all of the above, you'll love this story!

"Sucker" by BronwenSM (bronwensm@cuckoo.clara.net).  Live and learn, that's
what I always say. I've spent my life on this side of the pond.  I always
thought the British were much like the rest of us.  I read Shakespeare, of
course, but I always figured he's been dead for nearly a hundred years now,
and I figured the British didn't really talk that way.  I have always been
pretty sure that the people of the UK really liked us over here in the
colonies, because after all the American Revolution was really a fight between
a group of British subjects and a German King - the Germans, don't get me off
on them or I'll never get back to this review.  I figured MAYBE the British
talked in iambic pentameter and expressed their love in sonnets and could
actually understand what John Milton was talking about and sang "Singing in
the Rain" on those occasions when they raped somebody.  But even though I
often wondered how they got along with almost no real television and why all
the good musicians left the country as soon as they grew up, I knew that deep
down they were ordinary blokes, although I wasn't really sure whether it was
proper to refer to a female Brit as a bloke.  

I could go on, but the point is that along came BronwenSM, who has two capital
letters at the end of her name.  So right away I knew that I was going to
learn things about my confreres from the Mother Country.

Anyway, this is a story about a 16-year-old girl {that would probably be 17 in
ordinary years, eh Mate?} who was formerly what we Americans call a plain
Jane.  While she's laid up {no sexual connotation, even in England} with
glandular fever, her body goes through what American talk shows {BBC Channel
2} sometimes call adolescent metamorphosis.  In short, she comes back a babe -
a young femme fatale, one might say - after spending some time convalescing at
huge tatty mansion on a cliff with a private beach of Aunt Dolly in Wales.
Or, as a more astute British author might put it, during her hiatus she had
gone from the plainly porcine to lithe and lascivious loveliness. When she
returned to school, her impact on society was emphatic if not traumatic. Great
gangs of men on building sites shrieked at her like gibbons, old men slipped
off their Zimmer frames when she went into the post office, and her terrifying
chemistry master went red all the way up his neck whenever he looked at her
and then left a really embarrassing poem in my pigeon hole.

So when this bloke she fancied asked her to go swimming with him, she nearly
dropped down dead with delight.  See what I mean?  American teenagers would
simply cum in their panties, which doesn't even alliterate, as if they would
know what that means!  Way gone, dude!  I think I'm going to give up trying to
imitate the British style in this subtle manner and simply get on with it.
After all, I have viewed the dismal situation and it is ours, as the Great
British Poet once said.

The boyfriend's name is Oliver, which is sometimes another name for John
Thomas (or, in America, Johnson or more informally Dick), and so this reminds
me of another story that I heard back in the 70's.  A man and a woman went on
their honeymoon - in Wales, I think.  After several hours of what the man
considered to be a most excellent First Night Experience with his virgin
bride, she went to the bathroom - I forget what the British call it - you
know, the crapper.  Anyway, the man looks over the newspaper for something to
do the next day, and he comes across an interesting movie.  So he shouts,
"Would you like to see "Oliver Twist," Luv?"  The wife replies, "You do one
more trick with that bloody thing, and I'm going home to my Mum."  {By Jove, I
think I got it!}

Anyway, Oliver develops an infirmity (the blood suddenly rushes to his thing),
and the young lady has to give him first aid.  She quickly becomes so good at
first aid that the boys are pretty much lining up to be serviced.  

This is an excellent story - both sexy and humorous.

Before I end this review, I'd like to say just one more thing about British
speech, which gets especially awkward when they ride bicycles.  For example, I
picked up this anecdote on another newsgroup: 

I was walking down the street with my wife the other day when we saw our
neighbor (a very genial Jamaican bloke) riding by on his bike. Suddenly the
bike flips and our poor neighbor finds himself spread eagled on the pavement.

My wife immediately said: "That black bloke's bike's back break block broke."

British people can actually SAY things like that!  Just imagine if the
Jamaican bloke would have been a bleached blond!

"A Summer Romance" by Jim Fix (jimfix@earthlink.net).  This was actually
posted as two separate stories: "A Summer Romance Part 1" and "Summer Romance
Revisited."  I shall review these as a single story, and I advise you to read
both parts together.

Paul (a bright student going into his sophomore year in high school) and his
Mom have been living together since her messy divorce from his Dad two years
ago.  Paul and his mother have always showed mutual affection, but during a
stay at some relatives' mountain cabin they realize that their attraction has
a physical and sexual component.  With his mature consent, Mom decides to
treat Paul as a lover, and their life together becomes happier.  They each
contribute to the other's intellectual and personal growth, as well as to each
other's sexual happiness.

The second half of the story moves more rapidly than the first half.  Life
changes; Paul goes to college; Mom gets a new job; their love affair comes to
an end; Mom remarries; and Paul falls in love.  This is a very good story.

I think society's general taboo against incest is reasonable; that is, it
makes sense to have an initial reaction that incestuous relations should be
avoided.  In general, incestuous relationships are likely to be coercive and
exploitive, even though the participants may be unaware that something bad is
happening.  Nevertheless, it also makes sense to consider the possibility that
such relationships could be productive and growth-producing.  This author has
gone to great lengths to build a good story around a set of circumstances in
which a mother/son sexual relationship is not only harmless but also
beautiful.

You can skip the rest of this review if moral reasoning doesn't interest you,
but I am going to discuss morality for a few paragraphs.  Religions generally
condemn incest, and I (Celeste) am an active participant in the Catholic
religion, whose leaders condemn incest.  How do I reconcile these views?  Why
don't I either condemn incest or stop being a Catholic Christian?

The answer lies in proportionalist moral reasoning, which says that when there
is a conflict between moral outcomes or goals, decisions must be based on
proportionate consequences.  An action that might objectively be undesirable
(immoral) is permitted only if it leads to benefits (called values) that
outweigh its ill effects (called disvalues).  The Catholic Church and other
religions have used this kind of reasoning for centuries (for example, with
regard to the "just war theory") but the Church leaders are not exactly
progressive with regard to sexual morality.

The main alternative to proportionalist reasoning in the Christian religions
is natural law reasoning.  Here's the difference.  Assume that there is a
soldier who has his army's secret plans in a pouch attached to his belt.  When
he is in danger of being caught, is it morally permissible for the soldier to
ignite an explosive that will destroy the plans but also kill himself?  Moral
reasoning based on the natural law says yes - because the soldier would be
destroying the plans directly and himself only indirectly.  In other words,
this is not really suicide.  Proportionalist reasoning would also say yes -
but because the value of saving the entire army outweighs the disvalue of the
soldier killing himself. In other words, this is suicide, but it's justified.

Changing the situation slightly, what if the soldier had memorized the plans
instead of having them in a pouch?  Can the soldier kill himself if he
suspects that his captors will get the secrets from him?  Natural law
reasoning would say no - because he would be killing himself directly and
destroying the secrets only indirectly.  This would be suicide, and nothing
can justify suicide.  Proportionalist reasoning would still say yes - again
because the value of saving the entire army outweighs the disvalue of the
soldier killing himself.  Again, this is suicide, but it's justified.  My
opinion is that the natural law conclusion is just plain goofy.

This proportionalist reasoning is not all that complicated, and it makes
perfect sense.  Common sense tells me that it would be unfortunate for the
soldier to be put in either situation, but I don't think he would be "sinning"
in either case if he took his life to save his army.  On the other hand, the
soldier should consider other factors - such as how well he can withstand
torture, the likelihood that the enemy will get the information from someone
else, the actual value of the information, etc.  All this information would
enter into the soldier's moral reasoning to determine whether there is a
proportional reason for taking his own life in either case.

Applied to an issue like incest, proportionalism means that we should weigh
the possible values to be gained from incest (such as the possibility of a
mutually fulfilling relationship that is a natural extension of an existing
spontaneous relationship and which would release two people's tensions while
getting them ready for other relationships) against the disvalues associated
with that action (such as restricting the child from more age-appropriate
relationships, giving birth to children that are likely to have genetic
defects, and societal retribution).  In most cases in real life, the disvalues
would far outweigh the values; but in this story the values outweigh the
losses.  This reasoning is different from the traditional, more legalistic
approaches, which focuses on whether the action is natural or unnatural -
prohibited by a rule or not prohibited; but this type of reasoning is neither
excessively complex nor illogical.

There is no reason to believe that Jesus would reject proportionalist
reasoning.  There IS reason to believe that in most cases in real life the
disvalues will outweigh the values, and so society's general ban on incestuous
activities makes sense - as long the taboo itself does not introduce more
problems than it solves.  In terms of moral reasoning, what this story has
done has been to create a situation in which the values demonstrably outweigh
the disvalues.

My personal reasoning is also different from that of hedonism, which
essentially says if it feels good and hurts nobody, go ahead and do it.  Both
hedonism and traditional religions offer valid insights into incestuous
behavior; proportionalism offers another angle.

So there!  I hope this discussion makes as much sense to you as it does to me.
I do NOT believe that it is necessary that every story describe purely moral
behavior, but I do think it is good occasionally to discuss a story in its
moral context.

"Susan" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  I think what we have here
could be entitled "Everyman's Wet Dream"; but it's also a poignant story.  The
narrator stumbles upon a beautiful woman who essentially believes that each
person should seek his or her own pleasure, but seek it by offering pleasure
to others in exchange.  Susan brings Joe to heights of pleasure he has never
experienced before.  The poignant part is that Joe eventually falls in love
with Susan and wants an exclusive relationship; but exclusivity is not part of
her repertoire.

Even taken in isolation, this is one hot story.  But what amazes me to the
point of incredulity is that this story is written by the same person who has
been posting the Bob and Jeanette Brennan stories.  I think this level of
versatility is wonderful.  As I read a Bob and Jeanette story, I say to
myself, "This author really understands simple, monogamous passion."  As I
read the present story, I say to myself, "This author really understands
hedonism."  This same author has written about an exploitive guerrilla officer
in "Duty"; and "Wagtail" contained bestiality, incest, and rape, but was just
a good, creative story.  This kind of versatility is wonderful.

"Sweet Home Chicago" by Gregarious (gregarious@poboxes.com).  The man goes to
the park near Lake Michigan in Chicago for a blues concert.  He meets a young
woman in the crowd whose ethnicity is different from his but whose love for
the blues rivals his own.  They become friendly, and when the rain begins to
fall, they find it necessary to cuddle up under a blanket.  It turns out that
people can do some wonderful things under the influence of good music in a
pouring rain.  The curtain call takes place at her apartment.  This is an
exceptionally good story.

"Tabitha" by MountainTop (Topspace4@aol.com).  This story is a blend of what
appears to be accurate information about some of the women who work in
stripper bars and the narrator's fantasy about what he would like to have done
with one of these women.  The narrator visits a bar while he is away on a
business trip, and he meets Tabitha, who has sexual interests that are similar
to his own.  At first she gets to know him by reading his stories and then she
ventures off to his motel with him.  They don't actually copulate, but they
engage in several erotic D&s activities together.

My criticism of many D&s stories is that they often don't make sense to an
outsider.  That may be fine for the author, if he wants to write only for
insiders - people who are already turned on to D&s and simply want to see some
stereotypical rituals performed in a different context.  This author avoids
that pitfall: as I read the story I got the impression that I was experiencing
some aspects of life that were not familiar to me, and they made sense to me.
I'm not inspired to go out and try the same things, but I have s slightly
better understanding of people who do so.  I appreciate that in a story.

I might add that my own experiences with stripper bars have been far different
from this.  I have visited such establishments only when I was out of town
(far from my students, their parents, and school board members) and in the
company of my husband.  My impression has been that these are often tawdry
places where the dancers are extremely artificial and not all that attractive
and have a lot more pressing things on their rather mundane minds than
revealing their titillating personalities or having philosophical discussions
with fascinating customers.  Of course, maybe one gets a different response if
one selects the establishment more carefully, tips more robustly, and isn't
obviously accompanied by one's spouse.

"Trip" by Plainman (an10176@anon.nymserver.com).  This story uses a completely
narrative format to offer an excellent blend of hot and sexy romantic fiction
with several levels of voyeurism and reality.  By several levels, I mean
SEVERAL levels: we even have critiques of other a.s.s. authors worked into the
storyline.  I simply HAD to keep reading to see if I came up.  {Or as my
husband put it, "God, you even smell sexy.  Why don't you just use the search
function to check for "Celest" and come to bed with me?"  I did; Plainman did
not; we did; but I got back up to finish the story after I exhausted my
husband while I was describing a bisexual fantasy to him.}

In this story have two sexy married couples.  In each family the husband and
wife are passionate lovers in a predominantly monogamous but still open
marriage.  They enjoy incorporating fantasies into their love life; and as the
story develops, they bring their fantasies into their real lives in very sexy
ways.  This author does a wonderful job of using the narrative format to blend
flashbacks with present action in such a way as to fuse sexy events into even
hotter images.  In addition, the action outside the sack is often as hot as
the actual lovemaking.  

There are many interesting and sexy scenes in this story.  Here I'll quote
only the one that makes a point that I myself have tried to make several times
in these reviews:

"Joe: ...She (Joe's wife) says it herself - most women are bi, more or less.

Princess: So are most guys, but you have more incentives to hide it from
yourselves - so anyway, how bi IS Amy?"

My allegation has always been not that most people SHOULD have sex with people
of both genders, but simply that most people COULD enjoy having sex with
people of both genders if they wouldn't suppress those urges - and perhaps
suppress them for perfectly good reasons, such as ethical believes or a
commitment to a monogamous relationship.  But if I enjoy diddling my own clit
and having my husband eat me out, why in the world (aside from conditioned,
emotional reactions) would I find it UNpleasant to have a beautiful woman do
the same things to me while I returned the favor?  And the same goes for guys
- except, as Princess says, they have more incentives to hide or suppress
their interest.

Oh well, my own commitment to this principle extends only to reading and
enjoying both kinds of stories.  As Joe and Princess put it, I'm hetero and
monogamous in my real world but bi and polyamorous in my reel world.  Anyway,
I feel an urge to expound my theory at least once every six months.  And this
story is an excellent example of my theory in practice.

These couples represent a hedonistic lifestyle that I personally reject in
real life because I know it would ruin something beautiful with my husband -
but a story likes this presents the case for the temptation in a very
persuasive manner.  

I strongly recommend this story.  It's a clever, narrative mixture of Mark
Aster, Tom Trilogy, and Uther Pendragon in a SueNH atmosphere with about
thirty-five Dulcinea stories blended into the plot.

"Truckstop" by The Bear (thebear@io.com).  This author is different from the
other Bear, who has also authored several well-written stories.  This New Bear
wants to make sure we distinguish him from the Old Bear, whose stories have
included sex with teenagers and children.  The current Bear wants to make it
clear that he's not into that sort of thing.

The present story takes place in the general area of Sulfur Springs, Texas,
which is the Mecca of smut writers throughout the world.  More dirty thoughts
and imaginary orgasms have occurred per square food of inhabitable space in
Sulfur Springs than perhaps anyplace else outside of Great Britain.  Amy is a
businesswoman who pulls into a lonely truckstop for a bite to eat.  The only
other customer mistakes her for a hooker, and she decides to play the role.
She gives him his money's worth and then some.

"Tryout" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com).  The reader immediately gets
immersed in the action right from the start - Jerry comes out of the shower,
finds his wife already turned on from reading a sexy magazine, starts fucking
her, has her read the magazine out loud to him, and then finishes her off.  In
her pre-Jerry life, Connie was interested in other women; and Jerry has a
liberal attitude in this regard: Be sure she's clean, don't cut THEIR time
together, and talk about it if the attachment seems to be getting more than
essentially physical.  In other words, Jerry "is able to remain sanguine in
the face of Connie's sapphic escapades."  I'd say he goes beyond sanguine to
just plain buoyant when he joins the ladies himself.  Read the story for
details.

This is really hot stuff.  It almost makes me suspect that the author delights
in the thought that maybe his readers will get turned on while they read this
story.

The only flaw in this story was that either Connie or Kim had nice "aureoles."
I guess Friar Dave wrote this story before my seminar on areolas.  However,
because I learned some interesting things about sextoys, I won't even dock him
for his misspelling of the a-word.

"Under Cover" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com).  I know some of you readers think
that I AM Mike Hunt.  That's possibly because I enjoy Mike Hunt so much and
have great respect for Mike Hunt.  But to be honest, I have to admit that my
admiration for Mike Hunt is based primarily on the fact that in a sophomoric
way sentences like the previous one are a lot of fun to read out loud.  My
brother used to have a similar affinity for people he referred to as I.P.
Daily and Seymour Heine, the reputed authors of "The Yellow River" and "Under
the Cheerleaders' Bench," respectively.

No, Mike Hunt is Mike Hunt - a unique author whose imagination sometimes
astounds me.  Take the present story, for example.  Where would anyone get the
idea for a plot about a guy who decides to do some investigative reporting on
phone sex and then finds himself talking to a former classmate during his
first interview?  Then when he visits her for an in-person interview, the
phone-sex goddess builds a fantasy for a caller around her alleged experiences
with Mike Hunt, who, of course, is sitting there in her "office" getting
himself off while listening to her end of the conversation.  Where would a
person get an idea for a story like this?  The simplest explanation is that it
must be true.  However, the best explanation is that he probably got it from
his cellmate.  <Celeste 1, Mike Hunt 0>

One question I have is how did Jenny Sue get out of paying taxes?  I thought I
was being really clever by managing to get out of taxes for my profits on
Celestial Reviews. But my method {making no profit whatsoever and therefore
being obligated to pay no taxes at all} pales in comparison to this woman's
method.  I suspect her technique wouldn't really work; at the very least she'd
have to have sex with several IRS or Bell Atlantic representatives.

Anyway, this is another good story.  And I haven't told you the half of it!
Well, actually I HAVE told you just about half of it, but you might as well
read the story anyway.

"An Unforgettable Evening" by Gary Ray (csangha@hooked.net). The man and woman
are in love - deeply in love.  Tonight he is going to pop the question:  "Do
you love me enough to trust me?" "Yes!" she replies.  And out come the
handcuffs, the blindfold, and an accomplice named Dominick.  "Wait a minute!"
says I. "This is bullshit!" "Wait a minute!" says she. "This is bullshit!" But
they persist, and we come to a surprise ending.

I don't exactly recommend what this guy does - too much could go wrong.  But
then I personally reject cybersex for the same reason, and a lot of you enjoy
that activity.  Anyway, this is an excellent story.

This author ends his disclaimer with "Do I have hope as an erotica writer?"
Hmmm...  Is the pope Catholic?  Does the bear shit in the woods?  Do teenage
nympho queens want big cocks up their asses?

"Ursula" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com).  Guest review by Mike Hunt.

Well, in a.s.s. there are writers and there are writers, and if you want a big
long list go get Ole Joe's compendium. Then there are GOOD writers and there
are a few GREAT writers, and Friar Dave would have to be on that short list.
As Ole Joe sez, Friar Dave tends to write long stories mostly about very young
experiences, and "Ursula" is no exception. It's a multi-chapter story that ran
70 pages with the topic as predicted.

"Ursula" is the story of a 12-year-old just discovering her sexuality, and we
are led through episodes in which she experiences her first masturbation,
first blowjob, first cunnilingus, first sex, and first anal entry. It's a
tour-de-force of "firsts" and they're all erotic, stimulating, and downright
lewd. Friar Dave connects the dots with believable characters and realistic
settings, and the words flow and chapters link and draw the reader eagerly
through the action, of which there is plentymucho.

Normally I'm a little uncomfortable with stories about 12 year olds, but
having written a "first sex" story or two myself, it would be a quibble to
complain. I will pick a nit about Ursula's multiple orgasms in multiple
settings, and about the over-rapid development of her breasts in a one-year
span of the story, but as I say, it's a nit.

This is not a new story; in fact it carries a 1986 copyright. It's been
reposted by Ole Joe, apparently, and he shows exceptional taste in bringing it
back for your entertainment. Enjoy.

I REALLY liked it. Or maybe it's just because I woke up at 3:00 this morning
with an erection. Dunno.

"Vortrek" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  Bob and Jeanette Brennan are
moving out of their apartment. It was "Bob and Jeanette" who had moved into
this apartment; it is "the Brennans" are moving out.  These two people are
really in love.  Sometimes it's nauseating.  I sometimes feel the urge to exit
one of these Bob and Jeanette stories and read a more wholesome, realistic
rape and torture story.  But then I keep reading, and I am invariably glad I
did.

I have friends who tease me about my own marriage.  They are certain that I am
either simple-minded or lying: nobody can be this happy all the time sleeping
with the same man.  {Actually, some of them are certain that nobody could be
this happy sleeping with ANY VARIETY of men.}  It would get boring, they say;
and sometimes it does.  Some of my friends know what hell is really like,
because they have been married.  What's nice about the Bob and Jeanette
stories is that they are realistically and blissfully happy.  They have their
ordinary lives where they struggle together with mundane problems, but their
genuine love for each other is a source of strength, stability, and happiness.
At times it gets to where their sex life would HAVE to become boring; but by
God, somehow it gets even better.

I had a friend who was in the perfect marriage.  She got divorced last year.
I was disillusioned.  This author has a responsibility to keep Bob and
Jeanette together.  They're the main source of stability in the lives of
millions of readers throughout the uncensored world.  Please, please - don't
let them go the way of Bo and Billie or the other people on the soaps.

These people have become my friends.  I was actually excited to hear that
Jeanette has learned French!  Ooops... I don't want to spoil the surprise for
you.  They keep t'aiming and t'adoring as they drive across the country to
their new home in Boston, where Bob will continue his education and Jeanette
will get a job to continue to make that education possible.

The story is a really outstanding blend of current events and past memories;
and the memories themselves are a wonderful blend of things I myself know
(from previous stories) and new information from the Early Life and Courtship
of Bob and Jeanette; and those memories are a delightful blend of ideas and
events that overlap with my own life and things completely new to me.  And the
blends are very sexy.

Come to think of it, in some ways Bob is even better than my husband.  For
example, as far as I can see, Bob never farts during really intimate moments.
I think Bob may also be better with his hands, although my husband still seems
to have the edge with regard to his tongue.

I am reminded of my daughter, who makes a similar comment about her birthday
each and every year - this is the best Bob and Jeanette story ever!

"Watching" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com).  Excellent story!  This one is
going to make the final cut for the short story contest.  It's hot and
imaginative - with several double whammies.  I can't tell you anything else
without ruining it for you.  Check this one out!

"Watching - Book 2" by Alan Mathews (alanmath@hotmail.com).  This story is a
sequel to "Watching," which I ranked number 16 among my Top 100 stories of
1996.  You probably should read the original (Book 1) first - if only because
it's enjoyable and was reposted at the same time as this sequel; but Chapter 1
of the present Book provides a good recap of Book 1.

This story takes up the adventures of the very young couple and their baby as
they return to their old hometown.  They encounter some new problems, overcome
some obstacles, grow closer together as a family, and have some great sex. 

Skyla is only two years old and is becoming interested in what mommy and daddy
do in bed together, and the parents do an exemplary job of answering her
questions in a way suited to her developmental level without introducing her
prematurely to the rites of Venus.  However, I believe some of the ideas that
the author puts into Skyla's head would be much more realistic if she were,
say, two or three years older.  {I might also point out that there are almost
certainly no two-year-olds in the real world who win at Monopoly against
intelligent twelve-year-olds who are making a serious effort.}

The scene in which Alex deflowers his young sister-in-law with Jenny's consent
is best described as Pollyanna with an Attitude.  But it's sexy stuff.

The author consistently makes an interesting grammatical mistake.  He uses "I"
in situations that call for the objective case.  Sportscasters do this all the
time, but a.s.s. authors are supposed to be above that sort of thing.  The
easy way to deal with this problem is simply to mentally restate the sentence
without the compound phrase. 

It's incorrect to use "me" as the SUBJECT of a sentence, and so it is WRONG to
say, "Bill and me went out looking for some action."  {Omit the compound
subject. You would never say, "Me went out looking for some action."}  

On the other hand, it is correct to use "me" (and incorrect to use "I") as the
OBJECT of a sentence or as the object of a preposition.  Therefore, it would
be WRONG to say, "John invited Sue and I over to his house for a quick
threesome." {Omit the compound phrase. You would never say, " John invited I
(or we) over to his house for a quick threesome."} 

It's that simple.  I think the reason people make this mistake is because
using "me" as part of the compound subject is the error that they make (and
for which they get corrected) earlier in life; and so they overreact by saying
"I" even in situations where "me" would be appropriate.

"Wet T-Shirt Contest" by Mike Hunt (MrMike@aol.com).  There are some things
that people just don't really think about.  For example, the guy that pours
the water on the young ladies in a wet T-shirt contest has a hard job.  Not
only is it hard, it's also difficult.  He has to wet down the right parts and
only those parts of the contestants.  This requires technique.  This requires
savoir faire.

Which reminds me.  Mike Hunt gets really pissed when my reviews are funnier or
sexier or more literate or all of the preceding than his stories.  I'll try to
stop that, but it may be hard.  Nevertheless, since I've used a hard word - I
mean a difficult or unusual phrase - I think I had better explain what "savoir
faire" means.  My dictionary defines the concept as "knowing just what to do
in any situation; tact."  That definition doesn't do the term justice.  I can
do better with a series of examples:

If a Frenchman comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man and says,
'Pardonnez moi!' that is ALMOST savoir faire.

If the same Frenchman instead says, 'Pardonnez moi.  Continuez, s'il vous
plaît!'  that's EVEN CLOSER to savoir faire.

But if the Frenchman says, 'Pardonnez moi.  Continuez, s'il vous plaît!'  and
then the other man - if he continuez, that IS savoir faire!

Anyway, savior faire and gaucherie aside, Mike Hunt was assigned the
responsibility of wetting the T-shirts during the contest, and he was working
hard <literally> while he performed his chores.

I have a friend who used to be a priest.  He once told me that he used to put
ice cubes into the baptismal water, because then the baby would yell out in
shock at the actual moment of baptism, and this would make it sound like the
devil was indisputably going out of the child.  Symbolism is wonderful.  Mike
Hunt likewise used ice cubes in his water during the contest, also to bring
out the devil, so to speak.  Cold tits are rich in symbolism.

Mike Hunt found that his job was easier if the girls cooperated.  For example,
if they stuck their chests way forward, then it was easier to keep the water
on their tits where it belonged, rather than on their hair or the floor.

Big problem.  Contestant Number 3, a major character in this story, was
Francis from Phoenix, AZ.  I guess people can spell their own names anyway
they want; but unless this is a TG story, Number 3 was probably Frances.
Sometimes people named Francis call themselves Fanny.  That name is in the
punchline of a joke about St. Peter and ladies applying for heaven, which was
told to me by the priest with ice cubes to whom I referred earlier in this
review.

Well, as time went on, Mike Hunt got better and better at his job - I suppose
because he was working harder and harder.  He became really great at tit-
watering.  His main job during the contest was to bait the crowd, and he
quickly became a master at this task.  There may already be even more puns in
this review than there are in the story itself, and so I'll let you complete
this one about being a master at baiting.

So you may think this is a story about strippers and voyeurism and such.  But
it's not!  It's mostly a combination elevator-sex and phone-sex story.  That's
right.  After the contest Mike Hunt gets stuck on a crowded elevator with
Francis, and the elevator gets stuck between floors, and Francis's fanny (see
above) gets stuck into Mike Hunt, and....  Never mind, you can read the story
yourself.  I'll just tell you the other joke.

So these three women have died and have arrived before the gates of heaven,
where St. Peter interviews them.  {Peter could actually be a funny name in
this story, because some people refer to a dick as a peter, but that's not
relevant to this joke; so just assume that Peter is really the name of the
"person" who keeps a book of good and bad deeds at the gate of heaven.  

      Q. Who keeps the book at the Gate of Heaven?  
      A. No. What is the name of the person who keeps the book at 
          the Gate of Heaven.  Who is seated at the right hand of God.  

For more of this nonsense, read my story "Virtuous Reality," which includes an
interview with Madonna and which I recently reposted on a.s.s. and a.s.s.m.}
Anyway, the first lady comes forward and St. Peter says to her, "You were so
selfish and avaricious that you were named Penny.  Depart to hell for all
eternity."  To the second lady St. Peter says, "You were such an excessive and
immoderate drinker of wine that you were named Sherry. Depart to hell for all
eternity."  The third woman just walks away.  St. Peter says, "Where are you
going?"  She replies, "Why bother? My name is Fanny."

"When Knighthood Was in Flower and Maidens Lost Their Heads" by Unknown
Author.  In CR 138 I reviewed the first two parts of this story, which were
posted under the title "The Black Knight."  The present version adds one more
episode, but it still gives the appearance of being incomplete.  If anyone has
more parts to this story, I'd certainly like to see them.

Sir Englebert the Ungainly is in the midst of a rather hectic adventure when
he comes upon a naked woman - I mean fair maiden - tied to a stake. The young
lady is the nearby village's offering to one of the great beasts of the forest
to persuade that monster to spare their homes from destruction. If the dragon
devours her, he cannot then in good conscience attack the village. It was a
sensible thing for the villagers to do, and the good knight very nearly rides
on by.  But there's something about the fragile beauty of a damsel in distress
with her naked body dangling like a misplaced modifier from a stake so that
her breasts....  The (new) third episode dwells in detail on the treatment of
forest witches.  Having sex with a forest witch was a tricky matter for a
knight. Unless he knew exactly what he was doing, he could become permanently
diverted from his quest - or even worse.

The only significant problem with the story was this sentence: "I told her
that I labored under a curse; that I could not enjoy a woman who was well and
recently spanked."  Actually, the opposite was true: he could not enjoy a
woman UNLESS she was well and recently spanked.  It's a big difference, but I
figured the curse correctly from the context.  Since the story was otherwise
so good, I decided to forgive this one sin.

Anyway, this is a really excellent story.  I don't want to ruin it for you,
but I'll advise you that it's meant to be funny.  Thomas Mallory and Alfred
Tennyson may have taken knighthood seriously, but more recent authors have
discovered that knights were really funny people.

"The Whipping Post" by Delta (delta@bc.sympatico.ca).  During the early
predawn hours a woman's friend binds her naked to the whipping post in the
center of town.  It is the town in which she grew up but where she no longer
lives, and she has harbored fantasies about being exposed to and beaten by the
citizens.  {It sounds to me like one of those recurring nightmares.}  To her
horror - and pleasure - she is recognized by some of the people who take
advantage of the opportunity to beat her naked body while she has several
public orgasms.

I generally dislike stories of beatings and public humiliation, because I find
them to be incomprehensible and annoying.  I found this one to be
incompressible - but just properly so; I kept thinking that this didn't quite
make sense, but at the same time it did make sense in a strange way.
Likewise, I found it to be annoying - but mostly because I knew I was enjoying
something I didn't want to be enjoying.  In a way, this is like a Deirdre
story with more of the details.

"Your Wish" by Kim (kim@nym.alias.net).  I suspect that some people who read
this story will think of the author as standing on a tall building with a high
powered rifle.

Kim and Anne have decided to exchange sexual instructions via email.  First we
hear the challenge Anne poses for Kim.  It involves a vibrator, Kim's
boyfriend, and some difficult but enjoyable positions.  Then Kim takes her
shot at Anne.  To make a long story short, Kim's demands are rather severe;
and so Anne's next set of instructions requires Kim to make up a list of
hooker prices at which she will offer herself to her boyfriend.  That is, she
must list several services, including some she doesn't really think she wants
to do, and will charge Ron more for those things.  I think you can see where
this is going....

I approve of this story.  They used K-Y at the right times.  This is a very
sexy story.

I have written elsewhere about my own attitudes toward cybersex.  Simply
stated, I don't do cyberlove.  My feeling is that I have a monogamous
relationship that I value with my husband.  There's something special and even
sacred about this relationship, and neither of us is allowed to risk ruining
it by wandering into other relationships.  Cyber-romances are obviously
different than direct relationships, but I would never really know for sure
whether the person on the other end of the cyber-romance expected the same
things that I wanted from the relationship or whether I might be ruining a
relationship I didn't even know about.  Besides, "If it ain't broken, don't
fix it."  That is, what I have is great, so why risk it?  On the other hand,
reading sex stories and communicating with the authors poses no problem for me
because the relationship between a reviewer or reader and an author is
different than that between two participants in a romantic tryst.  And so I
merrily go about my life, having occasional orgasms at the computer, greeting
my husband with a shit-eating grin on my face, and waking him up in the middle
of the night to fuck his brains out when one of these stories really gets me
going.

Kim's story explores the positive possibilities of a view different than mine.
It's a very good story.  Is it realistic?  I'm sure it is.  Is it dangerous?
I think so; but danger can be fun.  I simply enjoy different types and levels
of danger than Kim does.  Is Kim's way better than mine?  Gimme a break.
Different people have different backgrounds, needs, and interests.

"Zipless Fuck" by Doug (parapuke repost). A zipless fuck occurs when the
fucker doesn't know the fuckee, there is no meaningless chatter, and there is
no playing games. The two people see each other, they are attracted to each
other, and they fuck each other. In the quintessential zipless fuck the
participants don't even speak to each other. They may never even see one
another again, but it doesn't matter, because they both got what they wanted.
A zipless fuck is extremely romantic in an unromantic sort of way.

This is a story of a zipless fuck.  Having defined it, what else can I say?
It's pretty hot stuff.

I myself have never done a zipless fuck. However, I have been a participant in
numerous ultra-zipless fucks.  A UZF is everything that a ZF is, with the
addition that not only do we UZFers not know each other or talk about it, we
don't even actually do it. For that matter, my partner often doesn't even know
I am having a UZF with him/her/them. I just plan it and work out the details
in my perverted little mind.  Think about it!  Gotcha!  You may have just been
the victim of a UZF!

{End}


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