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From: "lost girl33" <lostgirl33@hotmail.com>
Subject: Alone in Berlin, by Lostgirl
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If your under 18, go away!   What did I just tell you?

Alone in Berlin, by Lostgirl

"Hello?"

"Chris?  It's Meg, Meg Kruger," I felt my heart beat quickly as I waited
for the voice on the other end of the line to respond.

"Meg?  Hi... Where are you?"

I let out a rush of air, I could hear myself talking too quickly.  
"I'm in Berlin, I fly out tomorrow... early... I'm at the Hotel Ibis,"
I hear myself laugh, but it sounds forced. "Hotel Ee-bis here, not
eye-bis."

"Oh... I hope it's not in the combat zone..."

"No, but it's a little funky here, lots of immigrants and young
intellectuals,"  The words poured out, was I making sense?  "It's a
little rough around the edges, but there are all these flower boxes on
the ledges and if you look closely, there are lace curtains in all the
windows.  It's a neat place, really." Stop. Take a breath, I told
myself, "But it's weird, walking down a street knowing you're
completely alone in a foreign city..."

"That explains the phone call, but I know what you mean..."

Yes, he understood... I guessed that he didn't think I was a freak for 
calling him.

"Yeah... When are you supposed to return to the States?"

"This Saturday, I'll be staying over in Berlin Friday night... I'm
surprised you didn't call your boyfriend..."

So was I.

"Time change... He'll be at work, our moods won't match... It's nice
to talk to someone who is in the same time zone, you know?"

In more ways than one...

"It's nice just to hear English, at least you know some German..."

He was making conversation, that was a good sign.  Maybe he was actually
glad I called.

"Yeah, but I'm afraid to use it.  If you ask a question in German,
they answer in German, that's the problem!"

Chris laughed softly.  God, what was I doing?  This was crossing so
many boundaries...

"You don't mind, do you?  Me calling like this?"

"No, I don't mind... Don't have anyone at home to call... Except maybe
my dog..."

Yes, Chris had made it clear all week just how single he was.

"You've got that seminar tomorrow, don't you?  You need to prepare for
that?"

Give him an out, remind him that business comes before pleasure.

"I got that ready yesterday, once I didn't have you and Gordy and
Sacha around to distract me..."  I could hear the smile in his voice.
If voices could be described by colors or textures, my boyfriend
Tommy's resonant baritone would be a highly polished bronze, but Chris
had a voice that was smoky blue, with a gentle, reedy quality, like
a softly played saxophone.  It was different than I was used to, and I
was surprised that I liked it.  I liked it a lot.

"Oh, yeah, we really had to twist your arm..."

"You're a corrupting influence, Meg, admit it."

Yes! He was teasing me, maybe even flirting...

"Yes, I forced you to visit that castle..."

"Yes!  The castle, and the tavern, and the disco..."

"Well, isn't that what conferences are about?"

"Apparently the sharing of scientific discoveries within the
international community is not a priority with you..."

"During the day, of course it's a priority!  After dinner... well...
you saw me talking to Korlov at least..."

"He was trying to pick you up!  And then you go and have a date with
Minowitz..."

"It was not a date!"

"Did he pay for your drinks?"

"Yes..."

"Then it was a date."

"Argghh!!  It would have been rude to refuse.  Can I help it if some
men like to be gallant around a woman?  Would you rather I pretend that
I'm 'one of the guys?'"

"It doesn't matter what I prefer, you should do what you feel is
right."

"Exactly, and I'm going to behave like a woman, whatever that means.
If, as a result, some men won't take my work seriously, oh well.  I
doubt they would take me seriously if I tried to behave like a man."

"Excellent point, I hadn't thought of that.  Although I don't know
exactly how we got there."

"Yeah, well, it's a little hard for me to avoid thinking about such
things."  I realized Chris might get defensive at this, most
reasonable men would, "Actually, now that I've worked through it,
being true to myself in a male dominated field and all that, I've been
feeling a lot more confident, with respect to work."

"I see..."

"I'm rambling aren't I?"

"Well, Meg, I wasn't going to say anything..."

"Yeah, well, now you know... I tend to go off on tangents... It makes
me very creative but..."

"But it's something I should keep in mind if I want to hire you."

"Well, Chris, I wasn't going to say anything..."

The voice on the phone laughed again.  God, what was I doing?  Did he
think I'm trying to sleep my way into a job?  The truth was, I wanted
this man... no, more than that, but I needed to get to know him
better, he was still so much of a mystery.  Chris was handsome,
charming, sophisticated... and reserved.  He didn't talk much about
himself.  The fact that he was still single made me wonder if he was
gay.  On the other hand, he could have just been hurt very badly, that
was probably it.  He had a way of approaching me and flirting, then
backing off.  I never pressed it, I let him take the initiative, until
tonight.  Why was I doing this?  See, I also wanted to work for him.
Chris was very well respected in the field, I couldn't go wrong having
him as a boss.  The smart thing would be to stay cool, keep it
professional.  If I did end up working for him, or even at the same
lab, the romance could happen eventually... if it was meant to be.
Otherwise I could blow my reputation entirely...

"So what does you boyfriend do?"

Shit! Tommy! I was ready to run off with a man I've known for a week.
What was happening to me? It was perceptive of him to turn the
conversation in that direction.

"He's a network manager, for the electrical engineering department at
the university."

"Really?  A very portable job, I see..."

"You noticed, huh?"

"I'm well acquainted with the two-body problem, let's just leave it at
that."

The two-body problem.  Academics live the life of gypsies in the early
part of their career, asking spouses to pull up stakes after grad
school, the first post-doc, and maybe the second post-doc, before even
thinking of settling in as a staff scientist or as a member of a
faculty somewhere.  Tommy had the type of training that could get him
a job anywhere, if the need arose.  Not necessarily a reason to start
a relationship, but definitely a factor in keeping one alive.

"You and ... Tommy are engaged, right?"

"No..." I knew he was going to ask if Tommy was willing to follow me
once my post-doc was up next May.

"But you're living together..."

"Yes..."

"Have you two discussed the future?"

"Not really..."

"Meg..." His voice had that gentle scolding quality, the one you hear
when a male friend is about to give you the 'Men are pigs' speech.

"Do you want to marry him?" he asked.

I hesitated.  If he had asked me the week before I would have said...
Christ, I didn't know what I would have said.  That was the question
wasn't it?

"I don't know."

"That pretty much answers it, if you don't know."

"No! It's not like that.  I just haven't thought about the future,
because...  because..."

"Because?"

"I wasn't ready to ask him to follow me, and I didn't know how he felt
about getting married again after his divorce... and..."

"There's more?"

"I don't know if he's ... the one."

Chris was quiet on the other end of the line.  What could he have
said, really?

"I guess Tommy and I need to talk some."

"Can I ask one question?  If you weren't sure this guy was 'the one,'
why did you move in with him?"

"For the obvious reasons, I guess, and I feel comfortable with Tommy,
he's like the guys I hung out with in high school.  Maybe I thought
this was as close to 'the one' as I was going to get, I'm still not
sure that he isn't.  This trip is messing with my head."

Why was I talking like this?  What was I trying to accomplish?

"If you have doubts when you two are apart, that sounds like something
you should pay attention to."

"It's not doubts, I don't think.  It's just that when you're in a
relationship, you slip into roles.  One's the sensitive one and the
other is the rational one, for example. So when I am away from him,
I'm forced to be a whole person.  I remember what it's like to be
independent...  It was a nice feeling."

"You can't be a whole person with your boyfriend?"

"I guess I haven't been...  I suppose that's asking a lot, huh?  To be
a whole person and still give yourself to a relationship.  This
afternoon, I took a walk in this old church yard... well not that old,
the cemetery seemed to have it's heyday in the 20's and 30's with all
these Art Deco monuments and the newest markers are in the 60's.  Most
of them say, "Hier ruht mein lieber Mann."  Here rests my beloved
husband.  It was quite moving.  I guess I want that, too...  I want to
find the real thing, whatever that is."

Chris laughed, "I'm sorry, but I just realized that I'm getting used
to your meanderings. You did get to the point eventually."

I laughed, too, "Why, thank you.  I have my moments."

Chris didn't respond, but I heard him move and stretch on the other
end of the line.

"I'm sorry, if you have things to do, I can let you go.  I've
monopolized the conversation with my favorite subject.. me."

I was relieved to hear him chuckle a bit, taking my joke as it was
intended, "Well, I do need to visit the bathroom."

"Then I'll let you go."

"Wait, give me your number and I'll call you back in a sec."

"Are you sure?"

"What else do I have to do except watch tv with German dubbing, which
I don't understand, or turn to the porn channel and try to decipher
the action with a blackout over the middle of the screen... It doesn't
cover everything..."  Once again I could here the grin in his voice.
He was ready to change the subject... but to what?

"You could just pay, you know..."

"I've never had to pay for it before, I'm not starting now..."

"Oh really?"

Chris paused, "Um, I'll call you back in a sec.  Give me your number."

I gave him my number and I put down the receiver.  I decided to get
into my robe and I brought a pillow over to the desk by the window.
The sun had gone down and I watched the city lights.  I turned off the
lamp in my room so no one could see in while I reclined against the
window.  I turned on the television while I waited.  It was 'X-files'
and through the dubbing, Scully just didn't seem right without the
inflections Gillian Anderson put in her voice.  All of her
vulnerability was in her voice.

The phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Meg? It's Chris... Now where were we?"

"Something about paying for it, I think."

"Yeah... Well, I meant before that."

"Well, we pretty much established that I don't know what to do about
Tommy, thank you very much."

"What did I do?"

"Fine, go ahead and feign innocence.  See if I care... No really, I'm
just going to have to think about that, I guess I've been putting it
off."

"Maybe we should talk about something else."

"Like what?"

"Something lighter I suppose, this has been a rather intense
conversation.  Any suggestions?"

"We could talk about the weather... or talk shop..."

"Okay, we'll talk about the weather.  What does it look like in
Berlin?"

"It's dark, with scattered bits of light."

"You can see the stars?"

"No, just the city lights.  It looks much better at night.  Right
outside my window I can see this god-awful tower with this globe thing
impaled on it.  I think it's some sort of landmark, but there's all
these radio and microwave thingy's on it that it spoils whatever charm
it may have had."

"Thingy, dazzling me with those highly technical terms, huh?"

"Bite me, Chris."

It was out before I could take it back.  I could only hope he would
ignore it.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you."

"Maybe... among other things, but I won't go into that.."

"Oh please, 'go into that', I'm curious."

I thrilled at the impish curl of his voice. I became aware of my skin
tingling against the fabric of my robe.

"I don't think we should go there."

"Go where?"

"You know..."

"No, I don't know, why don't you tell me?"

"Talking about sex, you do remember sex, don't you?"

"I don't think I do remember, could you describe it to me?"

"Well, yes I could, quite well, in fact.  But I don't think that would
be a good idea..."

"I suppose you're right, you have a boyfriend, after all..."

"And we're colleagues..."

"And we're colleagues..." he replied. "Maybe that's a good thing,
though.  Can I ask you something?"

"I guess..."

"Do you feel like a whole person right now?"

Yes, I did.  That was it, wasn't it?  The reason I pursued this man
against all my better judgment.  I felt that I could explore all of
myself with Chris.

"Yes...  What about you?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know.  I haven't thought about it as
much as you have.  You're not the only one who has been avoiding the
future."

"So if something happened tonight, nothing would be resolved."

"We just wouldn't be alone."

I paused a moment.  Life is short, I thought.

"Okay."

"Okay?  Meg, you mean that?"

"Yes."

"Well, then," suddenly Chris was silent.

"Cat got your tongue?"

Chris let out a burst of nervous laughter, "Heh-heh, she said tongue."

I let my voice drop a little, adding some huskiness to it, "Yes, I
did."

"Oh wow, I like your voice like that... it sounds like..."

"The voice of your car? 'The door is ajar,'" I said, with a deep, even
voice.

Chris chuckled in recognition, "Yes... You've done this before,
haven't you?"

"Mmm hmm," I hummed in wordless affirmation, "Are you comfortable?"

"Uh.. for the most part, I'm in bed, and you?  What are you wearing?"

"My bathrobe, do you want me to take it off?"

"Not yet.  Are you wearing anything underneath?"

"No."

"Are you in bed?"

"No, I'm sitting by the window.  The lights are off so no one can see 
in."

"Aw, not an exhibitionist?"

"Oh, I can be, but that would take the focus away from you."

Chris laughed again, but it seemed more relaxed, "How thoughtful of 
you."

"I do my best."

"Hmmm... really?  Are you touching yourself?"

I had felt a tingling build between my legs and it was now time to start 
the games.  I untied my robe...

"I'm untying my robe and the cool air in the room feels good against
my skin.  I'm running my fingernails across a nipple as it hardens in
the cold..."

"Ahhh... Yes..."

"Is there anything you'd like to do?"

"I'd want to watch you at first, tell me more."

"I cradle the breast in my hand, rubbing my thumb in circles around
the  areola.  I'm imagining you watching me, becoming more aroused.  I
slip my other hand between my legs.  I've become very wet, my fingers
are covered in the warm, slippery fluid..."

I continued to describe to Chris as my hands explored my body.  I
listened for indications of his arousal, the shortness of breath,
urgency in his voice.

"Chris, I need you to talk to me, please."

His voice had thickened into grey-blue storm clouds, and in my mind I
stood facing the wind, awaiting the downpour.  Chris' once placid
timber now possessed me, gusts of passion buffeting and twirling
around.  The words were secondary to the thundering desire.

"I have you up against the wall, and I lift up one thigh around me,"
he huffed.

"I press my hips against yours... keep talking, I'm almost there."

My own moans were like the wind over an old house, keening and
shuddering under the assault.  I pressed my feet into the wall as I
squeezed and sweat.  My hand rubbed urgently between my legs as
lightning struck, heat and electricity searing my flesh.  I trembled
and slid to the floor, listening to Chris' own distant tempest.

"I'm done baby..." I panted, "Thank you.  What can I do?"

There was only a heavy stillness, evoking images of dripping trees and
a lightening sky...  "I kind of figured that.  That last part put me
over, when I heard you.  I should thank you..."

The wind had died down and the storm had run its course.  I looked
outside to see the moon appear from behind the clouds.

"I wish I could hold you, Meg.  I wish I could have seen you." Chris'
said in periwinkle tones.  His tenderness curled up next to me as I
slipped into bed.

"Yeah, but it was lovely hearing your voice..."

"I'm about to fall asleep, Meg.  We should talk when we get the
chance."

"Yeah, go to sleep.  We can talk later."

"Night, Meg."

"Good night, Chris."

I kept the curtains open and watched the few stars that could be seen
over the city lights.  The clouds had passed and it was a clear night.
I didn't know if I would stay with Tommy or pursue something with
Chris, but I knew I didn't feel alone anymore.

I felt whole.



Lostgirl -- lostgirl33@hotmail.com

ftp://ftp.asstr.ml.org/pub/Authors/Lostgirls_Library/




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