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From: "OddManOut Anywhere" <oddman0ut@hotmail.com>
Subject: NEW: Duke Nukem vs. Lara Croft (mf, sci-fi, viol, humor)
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DISCLAIMER 1: The following story contains no cheat codes. Reading it
will not give you any play tips, not will it help you get to any secret
levels. If you are offended by explicit descriptions of sexual
intercourse, then stop reading this and go play violent computer games.
If you are offended by violent computer games, then stop reading this
and go have some wild sex.
DISCLAIMER 2: The names Duke Nukem and Lara Croft are registered
trademarks of 3DRealms and Eidos entertainment. They are used without
permission in this story, with the hope that the respective companies
contain some sense of humor. If you try and sell this, you're going to
be in big, big trouble with these guys.
OddManOut presents:
DUKE NUKEM VS. LARA CROFT
Or
DOOM RAIDER
I crouched behind the desk and checked my ammo. Couple hundred bullets,
a few dozen shells, about ten RPGs, a couple of pipe bombs. No
problemo. Checked my body for cuts-still lookin' good, baby. Behind
me, the cats were edging closer, getting brave. Everybody wants a piece
of the Man. I peeked around the corner. Two of them, plus a pig.
Cinch. I hefted my 10-gauge and stepped up from behind the desk. Cat
#1's gun came up. I squeezed the trigger. Cat #1's head came off. The
pig raised his shotgun. Didn't even get it aimed right before I got him
through the face. Cat #2 fired, plasma leaching off my kevlar. Damn,
that tickles my chest hair. I gave him a chance to gasp, then fed him
some piping hot lead breakfast. Nice and smooth.
I picked up what ammo the bogies dropped, and headed out into the hall.
I knew there were still a couple of furballs up ahead, I'd counted four
in the lobby when I first lead them into my little trap, dragging a body
for the octobrain that would be in the boss's office. I stashed the
shotgun, pulled out the ripper. Rushed the lobby. Okay, three cats. I
never count, cramps my style. I squeezed the trigger on the mini and
hosed 'em down. Dropped the ripper, pulled the shotgun again. Kicked
in the door. The two 'brains were waiting for me all right. They were
hovering around some big egg-shaped thing, and they looked mad.
Thirsty for more human spinal fluid, I guess.
Well, they wasn't gonna get any from me. Pumped once, pumped twice,
pumped again. One spewed some plasma crap at me and I dodged it.
Almost ran into the third octo. Shit. Too crowded in this room. Ran
back to the lobby, ditched the shotgun, pulled out a pipe bomb. Armed
it. Saw an octobrain trying to squeeze through the door as I threw the
stick at it and ducked for cover. Badda-boom, badda bing, hail to the
king, baby.
I came out from my corner and got a whiff of explosives mixed with octo
juice. Smelled like chicken, but I wasn't tasting. Stepped into the
office and counted three big alien corpses-good. The big egg thing was
now a big shrapnel thing-probably good. Stopped and listened: Couldn't
hear any action, no one home but us chickens. Good. I checked out the
office. The semtex remodeling seemed to improve the fake woodgrain and
plastic plants. Scoped octobrain bite marks on one plant. Damn things
are supposed to be the smart ones, too. Figures. Checked out the
boss's desk and found what I was looking for: Red Access key card.
Excellent. I grabbed it, and the room went black.
Shit. I heard several doors open behind me. Crap. I whirled and
squeezed out-what? I was out of shells. The first cat's plasma scored
my arm as I pulled the ripper again. The second shot was from a pig's
gun, and caught me full in the chest. Fuck. I went down and blew the
head off the nearest cat I saw. Snapped in a cartridge, felt my leg go
numb with a P-blast. I fired wildly, about twenty bullets, and only hit
a pig and a cat. The cat went down, the pig stumbled back, I wriggled
away from the mass of angry aliens. I had walked into a classic trap,
and I walked right into it. Another bolt of plasma hit me in the
crotch, and I got an unfriendly tingle as I started to see red. Didn't
want to go out like this. I grabbed my last pipe bomb, armed it as a
pig drew a bead on my head…
I heard a shot, but it wasn't the pig. Couldn't have been, because half
its head was suddenly gone. The cats looked away, but I couldn't see
what at. Another cat brought its gun up, then immediately sat down. I
saw the reason dripping down its chest. A few more shots, then a pause.
My distraction had probably ducked away to reload, if he was any good.
The bogies turned their attention back to me. I grinned and waved. I
knew the trick: now I was the distraction. It worked. I heard a
machine gun, and suddenly it was raining cats and pigs. I covered my
ears and closed my eyes to shield myself from the blood. It carries
germs, you know. I only opened my eyes when I couldn't hear the thud of
falling bodies anymore.
She stood over the corpses like an avenging angel. Long, straight brown
hair, tan short shorts over nice legs, tight aqua blue shirt over a
killer pair of 38s, another killer pair of .38s stashed in her belt.
Her whole body was oddly smooth, unlike anyone I'd seen before. The
smoking M-16 was still cradled and ready in her arms. I scoped the
safety still off. She saw me move, and suddenly I was looking down the
wrong end of the machine gun. Dark circular glasses scoped me back,
checked out my mini and RPG-launcher, shotgun and pipe in my hands,
keycard in my pocket….or was it the pecs? I get that a lot.
"Hey babe," I said in my most reassuring voice. "Watch where you point
that thing. I'm an American citizen here." The barrel dropped an inch.
The rest of her didn't.
"Get up." Short and curt. Could've been one of those androids from
star-side, if I hadn't just seen her do a swiss-cheese act on my dancing
buddies. "Easy baby, I-"
"Don't call me 'baby', just get the fuck up and answer some questions.
You can answer questions, right?" Ooh, trying to score points off the
Duke. Big mistake.
"Sure, baby…. Oops, I can't call you that, can I? Okay, honey, I'm
getting up." Her aim went from my chest to my head, faster than you
could say 'harrasment'. She wasn't going to shoot, though. It's just a
waste to ruin a nice $50 hairstyle. I spread my arms, redemption-style.
"See, toots? Totally harmless."
"Where the hell am I? Where's Lo Hong?"
"LA, sweetheart, and I'm pretty low hung myself." The gun roared. At
least she'd set it back to manual fire. I felt the breeze as the bullet
whipped past my ear and out the window.
"Lo HONG. Stop dicking around and answer the questions. Where in LA?"
I looked out the window. It was a pretty good question, actually. Most
of the city of angels had gone to hell when the aliens came. It was
just a few unprofitable bums and renegades like me that didn't wind up
being carried off for food or slavery. "Near Union Station, I think.
That looks like a train to me." I pointed out the window at a great
twisted hulk of wreckage. If that train was a soul train, it would have
been Kenny G's soul train. The girl sidestepped around me carefully,
then glanced out the window. Her mouth popped open like the clown's
mouth on a pez dispenser, but the only thing coming out was a low moan
as she took in the carnage around us. I'd already grown inured to the
car wrecks, the looted windows, the occasional large intestine draped
over a telephone wire, but it seemed like a new experience to her. She
looked back at me, still pointing the gun, but it didn't look like she'd
be firing it at anything anytime soon.
"When did all this happen? I was in Union Station just last week."
"You couldn't have been there last week, hot stuff. Union was fragged
almost a month ago. It was one of the first things they got."
"Who got?"
"You been in a coma?" I waved my arms around the office. "These guys,"
I said, "and their masters."
She lowered the rifle, and slung it over her shoulder, still in shock.
I took a step forward to console her, and suddenly found one of her 38s
in my face. Not the soft kind, either.
"Listen to me. I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you've
done to me, but you're going to take me back to Lo Hong RIGHT NOW, or
I'm going to…." I sidestepped and swiped her gun away from my face as
it fired into the air, pulled up my .45, and put a new eye socket in the
cat behind her. Maybe I should start counting baddies one of these
days.
"Who I am is Duke Nukem, what I've done to you is save your life, and I
don't know Lo Hong from King Kong, sweet cheeks. I think you'd better
take a chill pill and start living for the moment, cause I might not be
able to cover your sweet ass next time a cat starts sniffing it."
The chick looked at the dead cat, then back at me, then stowed the
heater. "The last thing I remember before…joining you was that I was
chasing down one of Lo Hong's scientists. Creep had some papers I
needed. I chased him into a room with a odd machinery, then instead of
pulling a gun or anything, he pulled a switch, and next thing I know,
I'm saving you from your fuzzy friends here."
"Doesn't ring a bell, babe. Only lab around here was blown up a week
ago."
"Aliens again?"
"Nope." I gave her a grin.
"You must be very proud of yourself."
"You bet I am, pumpkin, and you better can the attitude, 'cause I think
I can help you." I snatched a stogie from the old boss's private stash
and lit up. "I ran into a space marine about three weeks ago who had
the same problem. He seemed to know more about it, though. Called it
Transdimensional Teleportation, and according to what HE said, I don't
think that Hong guy wants to go down that road too often. He said it
only leads to certain Doom."
"You don't know Lo Hong," she breathed, wiping globs of ochre off a
leather chair and plopping down into it. "He's insane. He'd destroy
the world if it meant he'd get his way. He wants to live forever." She
popped a couple of fresh clips into her pistol. "I've got different
plans." She flashed me a smile. I thought of the bright Antarctic sun.
"If you can help me, we'd better get going." She stood up, slung her
rifle across her back and started towards the door.
"Not yet, sugar-pile. I'll help you when I'm good and ready, and right
now, I'm taking care of business." I remained motionless at the boss'
desk, puffing my cancer-column.
"What do you mean?" Her voice went cold, like a snowball in hell. "I
mean," I countered, "that I've got half the invading force on my tail
right now, 'cause the other half somehow managed to get shot, mauled, or
blown up when they tried to tackle with me. Now I've got this card, I
think I can let myself into the lab and check out the shrink ray they've
got here."
"First target you can choose should be your head," she cut in, cleaning
her knife with her free hand.
"Yeah, laugh now, but think of me when you're literally squishing your
opponents."
"No problem." She got up and pulled out her pieces. "So where first?"
"I need to get a map of this place to find out what's what. I figured
there'd be a map in here," I waved my hand around the office, "but I
don't see any."
"That's because the boss doesn't care how the place is laid out. For a
good map, you'll need to check the janitor's office. I bet they've even
got a version of that keycard there." She was right. Damn. I hate
people that make me look dumb. That was one of the perks of the alien
invasion: no more smartasses.
"I know where that is, follow me." We took off down the hall, pausing
only to blow a couple of holes in the chest of a wayward cat. She shot
like a pro, making up for in placement what she lacked in accuracy.
"Damn, woman, you're a killer!" I said with respect as she artfully
took down a cat with two well-placed pistol shots. She looked at me and
blushed with a slight smile, then whipped out an uzi and perforated a
pig. We busted through the janitor's door and the pair of pigs therein,
then checked out the maps of the building. "Found it, lovely." I
pointed at a room that had a lab-ish quality to it. "Two floors down
and to the left. What do you say?" She didn't say anything. I stepped
back and looked at her. Was she checking me out again? It's all in the
cologne, baby.
"You know, honey-pie, we don't have to go down there right now." I
rummaged in the supply closet and came out with some first-aid kits. I
know I could use some fixing up right now, and you've got that scratch
on your face."
"Call me Lara."
"What?"
"Don't call me sweety, or sugar, or any of that. Just call me Lara."
She sat down and started swapping alcohol on a cut. "If you did just
that, you'd be about half as intolerable as you are right now."
"I don't go halfway on anything, baby." She didn't glare at me, she
just slumped a bit in resigned frustration as she treated her wound.
"Sorry, I meant Lara."
"Thanks." I grabbed a wad of gauze and started wrapping anything that
ached. Almost anything, that is. My temporary partner's bod was
bringing back some old familiar feelings you just don't get with a good
set of pipe bombs. Her T-shirt and shorts, designed to be
unrestraining, also clung to her body, revealing every contour to my
hungry gaze. It was enough to make me forget the sting when I brought
out the peroxide. Okay, almost enough.
"Hey, Lara, you missed a spot."
"Yeah? Where at?" she looked down at herself for any untreated cuts.
"Turn around." She slowly circled, and I pointed out a light puncture
on her upper back where a dying cat had left its last scratch.
"It's nothing."
"Those things are septic, babe. You don't clean that, you're gonna wake
up tomorrow with your head swollen up and your tongue exploding."
"I've got some asprin."
"I've seen it." Lara eyed me skeptically. It was a bluff, those cats
were proud of their claws and kept them as neatly cleaned as they could.
Deciding that it was better safe than sorry, Lara shucked her armament
off her back and pulled up her shirt until the wound was exposed. "I
can't reach it. Can you swab it for me?"
This was what I'd been waiting for. I dabbed a bit of rubbing alcohol
on a cotton ball, and began to rub it around the hole, cleaning off a
bit of the blood. She flinched only slightly when I brought the alcohol
to her wound. No stranger to pain. I like that in a girl. I rubbed
slowly, in a shallow circular pattern, making sure the whole thing got
cleaned good. When there was no more good excuse to touch her back, I
grabbed a band-aid and smacked it over the hole. "Good as new, babe."
I rubbed my hand over her back a bit. She didn't flinch away.
I rubbed a little more. She didn't say anything. I started to give her
a slow back rub. She stiffened a bit, then relaxed.
"Does this mean you want to fuck me?" She didn't sound pissed off.
"Sure does. If you want, I can try and grab a copy of 'Titanic' for us
to watch first." I thought she couched, until I realized it was a short
laugh. Okay, maybe she wasn't an android. Or just a malfunctioning
one. She took a breath. Let it out. I felt it through her back.
"Okay. Let's do it. It's been a while, and you seem to be the fittest
man around." She checked out the alien corpses that surrounded us.
"Almost the most attractive one, too." She chucked her weapons and
pulled off her shirt. Her breasts stood out proudly on her thin frame,
like a pair of marble bowling balls. I reached around and grabbed one,
and was surprised at how resilient she was. In one smooth movement, she
pulled her tight shorts down her legs, flawless except for a few old
battle scars. I checked out her smooth slit as she turned to face me.
"OK, what are you waiting for?" Not the most romantic sexual encounter.
"Hey, honey, take your time. You can't rush great art, you know." I
slid off my shirt, revealing my chiseled physique. She didn't swoon
like most of the ladies, but gave a very appreciative glance at the twin
turbocharged pythons of power that I like to call 'my arms'. I dropped
my arsenal, then pulled out my big gun. I was already pretty hard,
owing to the way Lara carried her M16. "Okay, cowgirl, climb on and
ride this stallion of love!"
"More like a rodeo clown."
"What?"
"I said, uh, don't you want me to go down?"
"Hey sexy, if you've got the taste for some meat, I've got the blood
sausage right here in my pants." I dropped trou and showed her my own
personal ramrod. For the first time, I saw a look of genuine awe as I
drew my torpedo from its berth. Twelve inches long and two inches in
diameter, it was big enough to club some of my enemies to death with.
Believe me, I've tried. Lara's jaw dropped when she saw it.
"Geez, is that real?"
"100% corn fed. No additives, and I _don't_ need preservatives." Lara
stared at my one-eyed monster, hypnotized as it bobbed back and forth
slowly. It was growing as we spoke, and I could see her nice little
nips getting hard under her tee. "So babe, you going to suck it, or you
going to wait for it to suck itself?"
Fortunately for me, Lara chose the first option. Dropping to her knees
in front of me, she grabbed my shaft with both hands and shoved it her
mouth. Very quick, very efficient, very professional. Kind of brusque,
but hey, who am I to complain about a woman when she's conversing with
little Duke? And believe you me, it was a very deep conversation.
Despite her smallish size, Lara was able to relax her throat and take me
in like a snake eating a guinea pig.
"Oh yeah, baby. Lick that sucker like it was a blow-pop." She nodded
agreeably and began bobbing on my knob with more vigor. Lara's hot
little mouth soon had me on the brink of self-destruct in no time at
all.
"Wait, I'm about to… oh, god, here I go!!!" Lara tried to take her head
away, but I came too fast, and managed to fire a few rounds down her
throat. As she backed off, the rest of it got on her face. She shot me
a dirty glare.
"Pig. Couldn't even hold out for me, could you?" She picked up her
weapons and began slamming them back into her shorts.
"Hey, babe, hold on a second. We can pull a pretty good phoenix of
fucking out of these ashes."
She gave me a quick, flat stare. "How's that?"
"Simple, babe. I can cheat. Here, watch this." I reached into my
pocket and pulled out a little keyboard thingie. It looked kind of like
an electronic organizer, except that there was no display screen. I
quickly typed in 'DNEVERREADY' on the keypad. Sproing!!! I was at full
mast once again.
Lara gave my member a bemused look and replied "So? I can do the same
thing. Look." She pulled out a keypad of her own and typed in
'TRPARTON'. Instantly, her already-ample breasts grew to an eye-popping
triple-D cup. "However, now that you're ready again, maybe you want to
go for real this time."
"Hey, sweet cheeks. I'm always real."
Lara took a leap and impaled herself on my carnal carrot. Like a
laser-tripped jackhammer, I instantly started to pound into her,
pounding my piston at a thousand RPM.
"Oh, Duke!" she cried, and I knew it wasn't because I'd just farted.
That was a cry of lust. She started tightening her vice on my steel
rod, and I knew I'd need to take some action before she cold-worked me
past my yield strength once more. Pulling out my keyboard, I deftly
typed out 'DNSPEEDLOADER'.
"What are you doing, Duke?" she queried.
"Infinite orgasms on, baby. You're in for a wild ride." That must have
been the words Lara was waiting to hear, because without delay, she
began to twist and scream on my feisty fireplug like James Brown on
crank. I've always been a renaissance man myself, so after about three
minutes of her rodeo trick, I caught Lara in mid-bounce and flipped our
bodies over so that she was on her back, and I was sinking my two-inch
reamer bit into her damp plywood. Without missing a beat, Lara wrapped
her legs around my back and began pulling me into her simmering
cock-pot. When she leaned forward and started to nibble on my nipples,
I knew it was time for my love submarine to fire its second torpedo.
Without missing a beat, I cried "Duck and cover baby, because Duke
Nukem's having a meltdown!" and shot my seed into her waiting furrow.
Lara was a little surprised to see that my cock was still hard, but she
quickly compensated by typing 'TRDELIVERANCE'.
"What did that do?" I asked, warily. Lara gave me a sly smile and said
"You've gotten all the objectives, soldier, but you've only reached two
thirds of the secrets. I just opened my secret door, and now it's ready
for you to enter."
My already strong dick grew by another full inch when I heard her words.
Fucking Lara's tight butt would be better than finding a brand-new
jetpack! I spat on my hand, wiped my dick, and flipped her over easy so
that her sunny side was up. The two globes of her butt were bronze
spheres, just waiting for my steel wedge to pry them apart. Without
further ado, I spread Lara's butt cheeks with my fingers, and aimed my
BFG-9000 (for Butt-Fucking G*****) at her little brown target. "Are you
ready for a dream ream?" I asked her romantically.
"Oh, yes, Duke. I want you to put your big, pink penis up my tight
little tube. You've taken the A-train, now take the subway!"
"Then it's fire in the hole, baby!" I yelled as I stuffed my pipe bomb
up her tight crevice. Lara squealed with pleasure as she felt every
inch of my creamy catheter move inside her tight tunnel. In no time at
all, she was clawing at the floor, begging me to stuff her like a
thanksgiving turkey with hot, hard cock. I eagerly complied, pounding
my pecker ever harder into her hot and horny opening.
"Oh, yeah, baby, let me rock your ass with my extra-beefy tube steak!"
I grunted as the tension in my body mounted. Lara complied with a
smile, giving me a little squeeze as I plumbed new depths in her secret
level. Adding a little twisting action, I made Lara scream with
delight, and had her begging for me not to stop. In no time at all, she
was having a meltdown on my rock-hard fuel rod, and the chain reaction
was spreading to me. "Duck and cover, baby, because I'm reaching
critical mass!"
Before I could come in her can, Lara lifted herself off of me and
positioned herself under my k-bar. "No shots in the back for this
soldier," she said as she looked up at me with her big blue eyes. "I'm
going to take this unit and get me a white badge of honor." True to her
word, she started jacking me up and down slowly, sticking out her tongue
to lick my magic mushroom. I couldn't take much of her attack, and I
soon came all over Lara's face. It was yet another large load, and when
I was done, she looked like she had opened a cup of yogurt with a lit
M-80 inside. It must have been vanilla yogurt, because when she licked
the cream from her lips, she gave me a big smile and said, "That double
ration of Vitamin C was just what I needed, Duke. I thought you were
just another hot dog, but you gave me the whole bratwurst."
"It's a talent you're born with, baby." I winked back at her. "Now,
it's time for less bragging and more fragging." I slapped on a plate of
body armor and fed a fresh clip into each of my pistols. Lara seemed to
agree, and soon followed behind me, wathcing my back as we made our way
along the dark corridor.
"So what's this teleporter look like?"
"It's a big pod, like a big silver egg, with a bunch of buttons and
dials on one side."
"Uh, baby, you weren't thinking of ditching me so soon, were you?" I
asked her as we packed on our ammo and headed for the lab.
"Actually, I was. Why?"
THE END
"It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they
had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared
to be great."
-Havelock Ellis
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