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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 285 - June 3
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Celestial Reviews 285 - June 3, 1998
Note: The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back
down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the
details. She said, "Well he was a big, muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She replied, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not
have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he did not have
that much either. Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?'"
"The marine said he only had $25. So I told him 'For $25 all I can give you is
a hand job'" He agreed; and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it
out. I put one hand on it. Then I put the other hand above that one." She
paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the firsthand
above the second hand...."
"Oh my God!" the others all exclaimed. "It must have been huge! Then what did
you do?"
"I loaned him $75!"
Second note: There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go
home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.
Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new
territory; so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like
three pickets to titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and
fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So
of course he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,
and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he
continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly
gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
Third note: Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:
10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Just do her.
Some honorable mentions:
"We work harder, so you don't have to"
"Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight"
"Viagra, home of the whopper"
"Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
Fourth note: Some discussion on a.s.s.d. has focused on the need to
standardize the ratings that my guest reviewers give to the stories they
review. If somebody can tell me how to do this, I am willing to listen to
suggestions. However, my impression is that it's not worth the effort. If I
insisted that all reviewers follow a rigid set of guidelines, I would quickly
lose all my reviewers. My experience is that each reviewer develops his/her
own consistent pattern; and readers can figure out what those patterns are.
The best solution is to focus on the REVIEW, not the numbers, to select
stories. It's relatively easy to identify a reviewer's preferences and biases
and to use this information to find out which stories are likely to appeal to
you. If you want to find "the best stories," I suggest that you use the
monthly lists. I'll grant that even these lists are subjective, but I at
least try to identify the best stories reviewed during a particular time
frame.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
New Reviews:
"Closing Time" by David 2 (strip club orgy) 9, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=352431687
"Janey's April" by Janey (mom's sexual emergence) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353553125
"French Kisses" by Sandman (lover's sexual emergence) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353547546
"Wager" by Unknown Author (gambling for sex) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058717
"Gifts" by fcp (rekindling old love) 10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355043915
"Dancing in the Dark" by Michael K. Smith (very tender emotion)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309121662
Guest Reviews:
"Every Man's Fantasy" By Hangten (Spanish fly sex)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034291 01
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302239 02
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034310 03
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302268 04
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349230199 05
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034332 06
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667327 07
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667338 08
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667358 09
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667348 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667322 11
"Twighlight Cafe" by Seurat (femdom revenge) 8, 4, 4
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=351990771
"Jacuzzi Sex" by D-Man (dman@onramp.net)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=358010870
"Cannon Song" by Miles Naismith (truth or dare sex) 9.6, 9, 9.7
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353349595
"On Her Leg" by LeAnna (sexual fetish) 9, 7, 8
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961858
"Payback - Or Life's a Beach " by Kim (Spring Orgy) 8, 8, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355958865
"The Sleeping Beauty - A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups" by Jo G
(sexual awakening) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961849
"The Anniversary" by EzRiter (rekindling romance) 9, 7, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355700593
"Love Conquers All" by JS3729 (sexual revenge) 5.0
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045665
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045668
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045670
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045672
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045675
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045680
Reposted Reviews:
* "Of Fights and Fantasy" by Summer's Rose (spanking) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357387441
* "Secretary Love" by Fin Haddie (office reomance) 10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416095
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416115
* "Rain" by Mark Aster (voyeurism & sex on the beach)
10, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349939639
* "Rain" by M.M. Twassel (voyeurism & emerging sexuality)
9, 10, 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=209456923
* "Dancing In the Dark" by "Weird Writer" (Sex by Braille)
10, 9, 9
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334660359
"Closing Time" by David 2 (davidm2@mindspring.nospam.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=352431687
Sarah is one of those college graduates who started stripping during college
but kept it up after graduation, because she could derive a steadier income
and contribute more to humanity than she could by becoming an English teacher
or mayor of a small town.
The Sunset Club, where Sarah works, used to be a high-priced brothel. Members
were given black cards, and the guys would get their pick of the ladies. The
cops shut it down about ten years ago. But the owner's brother bought the
place and re-opened it as strictly a strip club. The deal he has with the
city is that nothing improper is supposed to go on while the club is open for
business. So until closing time, everything has to be by the book. But after
hours anything goes; and our narrator has a black card with Sarah's name on
it.
So after the club closes the narrator has wild passionate sex with Sarah,
while everybody else is fucking everybody else. Imagine that.
This is clearly fantasy sex. If you've ever visited one of these clubs,
you'll know that the women there are not as glamorous as Sarah and her
friends. But if we can do revisionist history for "cowboys" and American
Indians, I suppose we can do it for strip clubs too.
Ratings for "Closing Time"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Janey's April" by Janey (janey98@hotmail.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353553125
"I didn't know you were interested in etymology." This story really begins
when Janey's mother speaks those words. The 754 words before this sentence
were just set-up. Shortly thereafter, the author makes a theological error,
referring to the immaculate conception when she meant to say virgin
conception. {The difference is that a person who is immaculately conceived is
free of sin from the moment of conception but is very likely to have been
produced through normal sexual intercourse. A virgin conception would occur
without sexual intercourse. In Catholic doctrine, Jesus was the result of a
virgin birth, but not an immaculate conception; Mary was the offspring of an
ordinary birth, but was immaculately conceived. Exactly why I know this, I am
not sure. However, I suspect that the last thing you expected in this issue
of Celestial Reviews was a clarification of Catholic doctrine. I shoulda been
a nun. In fact, I often have that very thought whenever my domestic life gets
to be too much....}
What I really meant to say in the preceding paragraph is that Janey was
overcome by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in April, and so her
mother (who had discovered her daughter's literary hobby) wrote that month's
a.s.s. installment for her.
In her story Janey's Mom describes her own sexual emergence. She grew up in
Ireland, where she received a conservative moral education from Irish nuns - a
phrase which would evoke sarcasm from Phil Donahue. After graduation, she and
an equally virgin friend went on a tour of the continent. Her basic plan was
to get laid.
The first encounter during her cultural exchange program is with an American.
It is not a pleasant one - too mechanical and impersonal. The second is with
a Frenchman, and it is wonderful. {She somehow met the one French guy who
bathed regularly - a young skier named Jean Claude, who had Olympic
aspirations. My impression is that the author meant for this person to be
Jean Claude Killy, the Olympic skier; but for this to be the case he would
have had to have been about 11 years old during the sexual activities. I
don't know who the American is supposed to be. An insensitive, egotistical
rich man named Donald. Hmmm.... }
When her traveling companion hears what Mary Elizabeth has been doing with
Jean Claude, she says she wants to watch. But that's another story - well,
actually it's the second half of this one.
What we eventually learn here is that Janey's Mom is a magnanimous person -
and Janey had thought she was merely monogamous!
Ratings for "Janey's April"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"French Kisses" by Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=353547546
The author states that this is simply "Janey's April" from the male
perspective. Actually, that's not quite true. Other authors have done the
same story from two perspectives. For example, in "Secretary Love" Fin Haddie
described the same office romance from the viewpoints of the male and female
participants.
This story does much more than retell the same story from a different
perspective: it develops an entirely new story that happens to coincide with
this one at a crucial focal point. Mat Twassel once did something similar when
he took Mark Aster's "Rain" and wrote a parallel story from the perspective of
the people watching instead of the people being watched. More recently, the
Malinov Orgy and the Celestial Phone Calls have overlapped considerably in
their plots.
This story tells us why Jean Claude acts the way he does when he is with Mary
Elizabeth and Alice. The descriptions of background events are extremely well
done. I suggest that you read both stories: Janey's first and Sandman's
Second.
A problem which I'll ignore is Jean Claude's "real" identity. If Janey is
indeed trying to fictionalize a specific historical character (which I think
is the case - otherwise, why do we have her references to his subsequent
Olympic fame?), Sandman completely ignores this information.
The following story has little to do with either Janey's or Sandman's story,
but somehow I'm inclined to relate it here:
Son: Dad can I talk to you for a minute?
Father: Sure son, you know I'm always here for you.
Son: All my life you've taught me to be truthful?
Father: I believe honesty is the best policy.
Son: And I can always count on you to tell me the truth?
Father: I've never lied to you, and I'm not about to start.
Son: Well I have some questions that are really bothering me.
Father: You know you can ask me anything.
Son: Yes, and I've always loved that about you.
Father: Well, what do you want to discuss?
Son: Dad, you've been a preacher a long time haven't you?
Father: Yep, since I was nineteen.
Son: And mom's been with you most of your life?
Father: Yep, nearly forty years.
Son: And you've been completely faithful to each other?
Father: Yep, we wouldn't have it any other way.
Son: You and mom were high school sweethearts, right?
Father: Yep, I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.
Son: And you both were virgins when you got married?
Father: Yep, it wasn't easy, but we waited for each other.
Son: Mom married you in January, right?
Father: That's right, it was the happiest day of my life.
Son: And I was born in July, right?
Father: That's right; it was the proudest day of my life.
Son: And my baby picture here was taken the day I was born?
Father: Yep, and I still have the camera too.
Son: Well I must say I look very healthy!
Father: And just why shouldn't you look healthy?
Son: BECAUSE I WAS BORN 3 MONTHS PREMATURE!!!
Father: No you weren't! You were five days late.
Son: DAD!!! MOM WAS ONLY PREGNANT WITH ME FOR 6 MONTHS!
Father: She was pregnant for 40 weeks! That's 9 months 5 days.
Son: BUT DAD!!! YOU SAID MOM WAS A VIRGIN!!!
Father: Indeed she was! I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!
Son: THEN HOW DID SHE GET PREGNANT 3 MONTHS BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED
IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX UNTIL YOUR WEDDING NIGHT?!!
Father: Well, we're pretty sure it was the oral sex in October.
Son: I beg your pardon? Excuse Me!
Father: I said we're pretty sure it was all the oral...
Son: DAD!!! I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!!!
Father: So what are you having a hard time with?
Son: WELL FOR STARTERS, HOW 'BOUT "PARENTS AND ORAL SEX!!!"
Father: I know that's quite a revelation, but you asked for the truth.
Son: HOW 'BOUT UNSOLICITED MENTAL IMAGES OF MY MOTHER...OH DEAR GOD!
Father: C'mon son, we were young and alive and healthy and deeply in love.
Son: OK FINE! BUT DAD!!! THAT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN HER PREGNANCY.
Father: Well each time, I would satisfy her and then she would satisfy me.
Son: DAD!! PLEASE, NO DETAILS!!
Father: You asked me to explain.
Son: Yes, but not blow by blow... I can't believe I just said that.
Father: I can't either...
Anyway that was our normal frolic except for that one night...
Son: What one night?
Father: The night she satisfied me first and then I satisfied her second.
Son: DAD!! ORAL SEX DOESN'T FERTILIZE A WOMAN REGARDLESS OF WHO'S FIRST.
Father: It can if you do what we did in between turns.
Son: What did you do between taking turns?
Father: French Kiss.
Ratings for "French Kisses"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Gifts" by fcp (first_category@yahoo.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355043915
The man and his wife have lived a Norman Rockwell existence with their young
son on their farm in America. Then one day, expecting hostility in return,
the man tells his wife about the woman to whom he had made love during World
War II; and the wife responds not with animosity but with renewed passion.
The next night she takes him to the lover's lane where she had declined his
passion the night before he left for the war; and this time she re-enacts her
answer more favorably. These people are going to loosen up and enjoy life!
This was an extremely hot and tender story.
Ratings for "Gifts"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Wager" by Unknown Author.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357058717
It all started with a playful game of scrabble. Their sex life has been great
over the past years, and they've tried the "usual" things like fucking in
strange places, light b&d, renting porno videos, etc. Lately, though, things
have simmered down to a slow burn. What they need is a simple reality check,
marriage counseling, or creative problem solving. They opt for the latter, and
that's why this story is posted to this newsgroup.
"Let's say the winner gets to choose a fantasy and the loser has to act it
out."
These people are not only smart and sexy, but extremely competitive. When
Linda wins with a word describing any of an order of arthropods comprising the
king crabs and extinct related forms (Xiphosura, of course), they're off to
the races. The sexual activities are vivid and exciting. This is an
excellent story.
Personally, I'd be a bad winner. As soon as I won one game, my first fantasy
would be that I would receive a thousand fantasies instead of just one, and
then I'd always remember to renew that wish before a particular series ended.
However, I guess that would involve a violation of the basic trust that
underlies such games.
Gambling for sex in real life is probably a bad idea, since it may become
addictive and require a 12-step program. However, gambling for sex has been
the basis for some really good plots on this newsgroup. Examples that come to
mind are Delta's "Strip Chess," Bronwen's "Playing Pool," MN Nelson's "Nine
Ball," Dolphin's "Georgetta," and most recently "Janey's Bet" by Niles
Naismith. This story can also be viewed as a variation on the "Truth or Dare"
theme, which is represented by Dafney Dewitt's "Cobbler's Bench" and by Niles
Naismith's "Cannon Song," which is reviewed later in this issue.
I have a friend (an ex-nun) who has an interesting variation on this plot. She
disagrees with the pope's position on the ordination of women; and so whenever
the pope makes another proclamation on this topic, she acts out an especially
outrageous sexual fantasy. Much like the people in these stories, she doesn't
mind losing anymore. She says she actually sent the pope a letter describing
her plan and stating that she would include him in her fantasies, but the old
guy is apparently impervious to blackmail. Either that or he likes the
fantasies.
Ratings for "Wager"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Dancing in the Dark" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith1@swbell.net).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309121662
I have been going through my files, trying to put them in order and correcting
mistakes when I find them. I recognized this story, but couldn't find the
review. When I searched my database, I found TWO reviews of a different story
with this same title. In the second of these reviews, I mentioned that I had
accidentally sent the same story to two reviewers. I now suspect that I sent
a different story to each reviewer, but AOL garbled the textfile (as is the
AOL custom); and one of the reviewers compensated by simply downloading from
a.s.s.m. a story of the designated title. He got the wrong one, and you got
two reviews of just one of the stories. This was a serious mistake, because
it deprived you of a review of a really excellent story. {I'll repost the
reviews of the other story, which was also pretty good.}
What we have here is a story of a woman who is so depressed that she is
squatting alone in the darkened closet when her husband comes home from work.
She has just lost her job, and she feels worthless. He tenderly convinces her
that she's OK. There's more to the story than that, but the author says it
much better than I can.
I am very glad I discovered this mistake. This is a wonderful story. If
you're a student in a psychology course - or a professor in one, for that
matter - read this when you are studying human emotions or human sexuality.
Heck, read it both times.
Ratings for "Dancing in the Dark"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Every Man's Fantasy" By Hangten (an19164@anon.nymserver.com). Guest review by
Sandman (sandman@bitsmart.com)
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034291 01
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302239 02
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034310 03
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=342302268 04
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349230199 05
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354034332 06
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667327 07
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667338 08
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667358 09
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667348 10
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354667322 11
As near as I can tell, this is a story that Fred is transcribing as told by
Willy who heard it from Rob. Apparently every man's fantasy is to have a nice
little miracle pill called "Sex" that makes women so horny they'll throw
themselves on anything. And when a guy takes "Sex" you ask? Well let's just
say that Viagra's got nothing on "Sex". Now that's not exactly my fantasy,
but as a sex story plot I guess it works out OK.
Since we're talking aphrodisiacs here I once heard a story where in a small
border town you could actually get Spanish fly that works! Amazingly enough
though, the miracle drug worked only in a certain bar and the price per pill
was remarkably similar to the going rate for hookers. Go figure.
OK; Rob creates this miracle drug called "Sex" and his first victim, er
research assistant, is a bookish type who deflowers our hero so thoroughly
that he's limping days later. The next time he lowers the dosage and nabs a
grade-A cock-teaser who's suddenly not so interested in teasing cocks any
more, but in stuffing Rob's unusually large meat in places she ordinarily
doesn't allow men to go! Next there's a little setback when one of his
victims, er research assistants, wanders off to the restroom and gives a whole
new meaning to the word pit-stop for all the guys in the bar.
And so the endless litany of escapades continues. This is good stroke
fiction. If you're looking for a cock teaser this is definitely it. The
thing is, it struck me that it could have been just a little more than that.
Rob is a geek's geek, but I saw the potential for some really interesting
growth in the character, but every time that starts to happen he drops his
wonder-pill into the mix and we're right back to some well-described but
endlessly pointless sex. If anything, Rob's character turns into a porno
sleaze.
As stroke fiction goes, this story shines heads and tales above anything
you're likely to find out there. But the size of the story worked at cross
purposes with the objective of a review. This story was meant for a chapter
to be read, the reader gets off and maybe the next day the reader comes back
and read another chapter -- read, stroke, rest, repeat. As a reviewer I had
to work through the sex to sort out things like grammar, plot and character.
After the first few chapters I just began to skim the sex trying to see where
this eleven chapter monster was taking me. It didn't take me very far.
And so I end up with a dilemma on my hands. Here is a story that's absolutely
perfect for the male audience members in alt.sex.stories. There's little
character development, no real plot to speak of, but has tons of well
described sex with a wide assortment of drug created bimbos. But there are
also quite a few stories out there that manage to include sex just as hot but
also stroke the mind with interesting characters and good plots.
It may be unfair to rank this story in the same neighborhood as "Becky Cried",
"Cannon Song", or any of the other absolutely stellar stories have been
published to this group. But there were no major technical glitches, and the
Celestial FAQ says plot and character can indeed be subservient to sex in a
sex story. As for the personal appeal, well drug-induced bimbos may not be my
gig; but sooner or latter this story's gonna describe a situation that will
get your blood pumping.
I'll leave the decisions of greatness to the top 20, but for uncomplicated
stroke fiction this is a very good place to start if you're a guy and you
don't mind a goofy look on the gal's face right before she starts ripping off
your pants…
Ratings for "Every Man's Fantasy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Sandman (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Twighlight Cafe" by Seurat (dantedibby@aol.com). Guest review by BillyG
(hayden@mindless.com).
In the genre of non-consensual stories of anger and humiliation, "The
Twighlight Café" has a little something for everyone,. Unless one finds an
erotic charge in these emotions, this is not an erotic tale. The author Seurat
says in the preface that the story contains , ". . . sex of a semi-consensual
nature; fetishistic adornments and sex toys; nasty torture for characters I
didn't like; and a little plot thrown in for good measure and to separate the
sex scenes."
The codes of this story would best be listed as femdom, capture, forced
bondage, humiliation rape and abduction. There are no animals, bathroom
games, or kids.
In the first few pages of the story, we're introduced to the men you love to
despise - college seniors, fraternity brothers, coarse, arrogant, swaggering,
braggadocio, and mean spirited. They're typecast with such exaggeration that
we quickly recognize them as the fall guys. And who are they to fall to? Why
the dominate femmes, of course. I almost felt a sympathetic rush that these
boorish, uncouth jerks would get a healthy what for, but as the story
progressed, the only difference between the boys and the ladies, besides
genitalia, was the depth and sophistication of their depravity. The
Mistresses, apparently rich and powerful in the extreme, have no pause in
their plans to kidnap and subjugate their male subjects. Period. I mean,
that's it. That's the story.
This is a near-plotless story punctuated by descriptions of painful, forced
bondage and subjugation without any redeeming eroticism.
Ratings for "The Twighlight Cafe"
Athena (technical quality): 8 (Poor formatting and lack of
proofreading)
Venus (plot & character): 4
BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 4
"On Her Leg" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com). Guest review by Tooshoes.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961858
"On Her Leg" is a very short, sentimental tale about the emotional power
possessed by a fetish or a memento, in this case an ankle bracelet that binds
a young woman to her lover, and transports her to their lovemaking whenever
she thinks about it, looks at it, or touches it.
The narration slips back and forth in time as the girl sits on a park bench
amid a crowd, yet her attention centers on the ankle bracelet, which surfaces
her memories of a previous night of sex.
The writing is erotic and appealing, though it turns into pretty much
straightforward description of the sex act towards the end. A nice, sexy
little piece.
Ratings for "On Her Leg"
Technical: 9
Characterization and Plot: 7
Appeal: 8
"Cannon Song" by Niles Naismith (Mnaismith@hotmail.com). Guest review by
jubjub.
Story Summary: A sexual Truth or Dare of sorts set in '60s Princeton
University.
This is a plainly told story. Therein lies both its strength and its
weakness. Without the stylistic flourishes, the story's simple descriptions
carry considerable impact. The author ended with a footnote thanking his
editor for telling him that the story originally read like a lecture. I can
assure you that this story no longer has that feel. But it still seems a bit
forced. A more natural, nostalgic tone would have been even better.
The biggest complaint that I had was with the characters. There is
considerable narrative but none of the characters are particularly notable.
There is also a twist of sorts near the end of the story that seemed to come
out of nowhere. It throws a shadow of incest on the story that jars the flow.
Part of the reason for this is that the characters are not deeply written
enough so that the relationships mean anything.
But this story still works. Its simple style is both elegant and clean. This
includes the lack of vulgarities. I read this story three times and all three
times the sex scenes (which came toward the end of the story) were effective
and believable. They were, in fact, visualizable on both the physical and
emotional levels. While its evocation of 'free' sex on a campus wasn't as
fully fleshed out as I would have liked, it was good enough to help reveal the
primary tension in this story. Definitely one of the best I've reviewed this
year.
Technical: 9.6 Style was forced at times. Needed a more
nostalgic feel
Characterization and Plot: 9 Characters lacked some cohesion
and purpose
Appeal: 9.7 'Uncle Miles' section created emotional gear-shifting
"Payback - Or Life's a Beach" By Kim (ghost@nym.alias.net) Reviewed by
Fiddler.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355958865
This story probably won't make much sense if you don't know the players and
the situation. A number of writers on alt.sex.stories, and a smaller number
of readers and reposters of stories, hang out on alt.sex.stories.d. While
they have been known to discuss stories, they talk about other things more
often. One activity which has become popular is the quarterly virtual orgy
hosted by Lord Malinov, one of the authors.
This story occurs during the spring orgy (on a tropical island) and revenges
activities during the winter orgy. Kim persuades Kristen to entice Taria to a
secluded part of the beach. There, Kim and Kristen tie Taria up and threaten
various tortures. When Taria doesn't take those threats seriously, they
resort to a toothsome twosome within her sight. Unable to join in, tied so
that she cannot relieve the libido which her involuntary voyeurism induces,
Taria thinks she is being tortured indeed.
I'll let you find out how John Rambo gets into this.
I know these authors, and enjoyed the story immensely; if you do not, it may
well lose something.
Kim should have sent it to a proofreader before posting, however. Celeste
would withdraw my reviewer's credentials if I gave an Athena ten to a story
which used "laying" for "lying." "Volunteered" for "recruited" and "attempted
to try" actually bothered me more.
Ratings for "Payback - Or Life's a Beach"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 8
Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 10
"The Sleeping Beauty - A Fairy Tale for Grown-ups" by Jo G. Guest Review by
Stephen Peters (Sxjames@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961849
When I was growing up, I never cared much for the traditional European fairy
tale. Kings? Queens? Heroic princesses and damsels in distress? I'd think
"Who *are* these people, and what do they have to do with me?" These
characters seemed remote and untouchable; simple props that played their
assigned roles in transparent and humorless morality tales. However, I'm very
happy to report that this "adult" fairy tale is nothing of the sort. And no
-- this version of "Sleeping Beauty" isn't some ribald re-telling of the old
legend. Instead, the author of this piece has taken the form (and substance)
of a fairy tale then constructed a warm and rather erotic story of sexual
awakening, yearning, and true love.
The central dilemma in this version of "Sleeping Beauty" is presented early
and with clarity. At the naming-day ceremonies the good fairies grant Beauty
the usual gifts of long life, intelligence, beauty, and the ability to bear
both sexes. In turn, the wicked fairy declares that at Beauty's first orgasm
she will fall into a coma, along with the rest of the kingdom. (Now *that's*
what I call wicked <grin>). In order to forestall this fate the elders of the
kingdom must, at all cost, prevent Beauty from experiencing sexual arousal.
Chastity belts are invented. Beauty (although she is never given a direct
reason why) is forced to wear one; and to prevent the inevitable questions
that would arise, the rest of the children of the kingdom are forced to wear
them also. The author then follows Beauty as she grows from a child to a
young woman. As she reaches adulthood, Beauty ends up spending much of her
time in the company of a young prince from a neighboring kingdom (who,
incidentally, is also forced to wear the dreaded belt). As expected, they
fall in love, but they do so in a most realistic (read: non-fairy tale like)
fashion. As the two grow closer together their sexual frustration mounts
until Beauty, in a rather imaginative use of a spinning wheel (yes, the author
*does* use all the elements of the original tale) manages to satisfy her
sexual needs and then falls into a coma. Don't worry; the prince saves her,
breaks the spell, and everyone lives happily ever after. I might also mention
that, as with any good fairy tale, this one does have a moral to it. In this
case the author notes that Beauty and the prince keep the chastity belts
around to remind them that sexual union in not the be-all and end-all of a
sexual relationship.
The strengths of this tale are numerous. The first thing this reader noticed
was the prose. While it's simple, direct, and very appropriate to the piece,
in no way does the author 'talk down' to the reader (something else I found
irritating in those early childhood stories). The author also pays careful
attention to the small but crucial details that bring a sense of logic and
believability to something that is inherently fantasy. For example, after
everyone in the kingdom falls into a coma the prince has but a few days to
find Beauty before the population starts dying of dehydration. At times, and
with its sense of adventure, this tale reads more like an intelligent Sword 'n
Sorcery story than a fairy tale. The author also had the good sense to
introduce the prince as a childhood companion of Beauty and not as someone who
just appears to sweep her off her feet. However, for this reader the real
meat is contained in the description of Beauty's longing for her often absent
prince, along with the accompanying sexual tension (enforced by the chastity
belt). In the end the author paints a genuinely romantic and thoroughly
enjoyable love story between Beauty and her prince, one that I will remember
for a quite a while.
-- Numbers mean nothing without context, read the review --
Ratings for "Sleeping Beauty"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9 (very imaginative, very strong)
Stephen (appeal to reviewer): 9 (Hey, I like romantic love stories)
"The Anniversary" by E.Z. Riter (ezriter@hotmail.com). Guest review by David
Rills.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355700593
God, I love this story. I think it was written by a wicked woman because the
sexuality is so loving. The story is told by a wife who describes the fifth
anniversary present (things are getting a little too comfortable in the
marriage) she presents to her husband. While not all that original, the slow,
sensuous story is hypnotic. Read it slowly and enjoy.
Ratings for "The Anniversary "
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
David (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Love Conquers All" by JS3729 (js3729@mindspring.com). Guest review by Dave
Myers.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045665
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045668
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045670
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045672
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045675
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=354045680
It would fairest to characterize this as a story of sexual revenge. As might
be expected, there is more revenge than sex, and to pull this off skillfully,
it takes a writer who knows his craft. Alas, the plot offered is probably out
of the range of this first-time author. His disclaimer reads:
>This is my first story, and let me apologize, in advance to any lesbians
>who may read this. I do not mean for this story to demean or ridicule
>lesbianism in any way - it just is a part of the whole story and please
>treat it as such.
A fanatic might draw the conclusion that the author believes lesbians to be
man-hating, wife-stealing freaks (ergo the revenge theme). But I suspect
JS3729 just didn't think long and hard enough about how all the elements in
the story would fit together before he put it in writing. The heavy mixture of
bisexuality, gang rapes, transsexuals, and hypnotism is just too much all at
once. These aspects create a vivid revenge story, but do not lead to a buildup
in sexual tension as the plot progresses. The final burst of energy feels out
of place after the initial wandering narrative.
I credit JS3729 with handling the main thread well through the use of
flashbacks with two or three separate points of view. The characters trade off
nicely, building a little suspense. Narrators even finish each others'
thoughts when appropriate (but perhaps slightly too often). Unfortunately,
sloppiness results in many errors of verb tense.
During these sections, the use of colons for quotations (e.g. 'Lynda:')
makes me feel like I'm reading a play. In fact, so much of the storytelling is
done by characters other than the first person narrator (George) that his
inner voice comes up hollow and decidedly non-introspective when he is allowed
to emote.
Apart from the cardboard cut-out treatment of hypnotism and transsexuals, a
few other items of the plot hamper its credibility. As one example, breasts
are bared at one point during mixed company for no apparent reason. The
results seem so far out of character that the story is weakened. As another
example, the devotion that is displayed between two sets of couples after many
years of separation (hence the title, Love Conquers All) is hokey. The
protagonists need more motivation than they are given here.
Rating: 5
* "Of Fights and Fantasy" by Summer's Rose (SumersRose@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=357387441
The woman wants to make love to her husband, but he has work that needs to get
done. Important work - right there on his computer. "OK," says the wife;
"I'll just turn off your silly ole computer!" Poof! His work is gone, and
now he is free to frolic with her. Oddly enough, the guy gets upset, possibly
because the computer was not in an auto-save mode. Anyway, he decides she
needs a spanking; and since she has a cute little ass that reddens nicely when
spanked, all of this leads to some exciting orgasms.
The main shortcoming of this story is the second person (you and I) point of
view. I absolutely do not see how this perspective gains anything over a
third person (he and she) narrative. I am left with the impression that the
author wrote this story for someone else and simply posted it without
bothering to revise it for a more general audience.
Other than that, it's a good story - except that if a guy really wants his
wife to stop turning off his computer, he shouldn't "punish" her with multiple
orgasms. It just won't work.
Ratings for "Of Flights and Fantasy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Midnight Symphony" by D.A. Ignatius (Darknites) (jash@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu).
This story focuses on a loving couple who are spending a quiet evening
together, listening to music and watching the rain fall. Initially sex is the
farthest thing from their minds, but the peaceful and romantic ambiance and
memories of the past eventually lead them to restful but passionate
lovemaking. Nothing much happens, but this is a very good story; sometimes
nothing much NEEDS to happen. As I read the story the music and the weather
seemed to match the pace of the dancing and lovemaking. I identify very
closely with the female narrator of this story; but you won't be able to
figure out why (if you care) until the last paragraph of the story.
In CR 84 I announced that I was reviewing the last of the DarkNites stories.
I was wrong. Almost as soon as I wrote that sentence this additional
DarkNites story arrived via a-mail. Maybe I'll get lucky and be wrong again!
Ratings for "Midnight Symphony"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "For Celeste" by Grammaticus (an541328@anon.penet.fi). This is the second
poem that I know of that has been written about me. When I was back in high
school, our junior English teacher required us all to write a poem. I wrote a
(non-sexual) poem very much like this one, in which I poked fun at everyone in
the class. Mrs. Jones (not her real name - I'm just being clever here) gave
me "extra credit" for this "interesting doggerel" and told me to write a "real
poem." She was a bright lady and may have changed her name to Grammaticus by
now.
Anyway, I enjoyed this delightful "poem," and I think you will too. I hope
the author reposts it. You don't have to be the person to whom the verses are
directed to enjoy a stanza like this:
So write down what you do in your bed,
Or the fantasies loose in your head.
But don't make me read
Of your doing the deed
With children, your pets, or the dead.
Here's the best writing advice I found in the poem:
So write, then revise and rewrite,
Avoiding whatever is trite.
For not every cock
Must be 'hard as a rock,'
Nor every wet pussy be 'tight.'
But this was a close second:
Your scenes may be so damned intense
Some readers may well take offense.
But however you fashion
Your tales full of passion,
Make sure that your verbs don't change tense.
I think Grammaticus took poetic license with some of my beliefs and opinions,
but that's all right with me. I hope the author reposts this Celestiad. After
all, as the Bard says:
These stories can be helpful, too,
For those who have no one to do.
For boys monkey-spanking
(The Brits call it 'wanking')
And girls paddling their own pink canoe.
Ratings for "For Celeste"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Secretary Love" by Fin Haddie (sgoodman@primenet.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416095
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=184416115
The guy shares an office and secretary with his father. The guy and secretary
engage in sexually suggestive banter, but nothing comes of it until he moves
away and returns for a subsequent visit. The sexual activity is vividly
described and hot. The most interesting part is that the author describes the
same relationship from the perspective of the guy (part 1) and the woman (part
2). I recommend reading both parts.
Ratings for "Secretary Love"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Rain" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=349939639
"Doesn't it get boring - all the time with the same guy?" That question came
not from an a.s.s. pervert, but from my teenage daughter a few years ago. My
answer was, "You would expect it to get boring; but surprisingly, no - not so
far." I raise the same question every time I read another story in the "My
Friends the Allens" series; "Isn't this going to get boring." I mean, all the
author ever seems to write about is this wonderfully hot stud traveling with
and servicing two well-adjusted and well-endowed young nymphomaniacs. The sex
is almost invariably hot and consensual. It's gotta get boring some time.
But not yet.
In this episode, Our Hero reclines on a beach with one of the Allen sisters,
while they watch another couple initiate and consummate passionate sex nearby.
Naturally, the voyeurs get turned on as well and make passionate love
themselves, as a gentle rain begins to fall on them. The description, the
environment - the entire picture evoked in my mind as I read this story was
really beautiful. Another excellent story!
Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Rain" by M.M. Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com).
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=209456923
"An orgasm is "like winning all the Nintendo games at once." Those words are
spoken by an 18-year old girl to an 11-year-old boy while both of them are
watching from seclusion as two couples make it on the nearby beach. The
author has taken the story entitled "Rain" by Mark Aster, which I reviewed in
the last issue of CR, and has introduced the perspective of the young boy and
the other girl watching from a nearby sand dune. I don't want to tell you
much more about the story; you should read it for yourself. It's a really
sensitive and sexy story of emerging sexuality. Although its title is "Rain,"
it's listed in the postings as "More Rain."
Ratings for "Rain"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
*"Dancing In the Dark" by Weird Writer (reposted by Bookman Productions).
Guest review by Bookman.
http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334660359
"Dancing In the Dark" expands on the anonymous 'zipless fuck' of Erica Jong
and _Fear of Flying_ fame, placing it this time in a more aristocratic
setting. The unnamed narrator receives an invitation to a 'private party'.
Once there, he is escorted to an empty waiting room where a waiting note
informs him of the rules: "You have been invited to an orgy. . . Do not
converse. Do not ask names. Do not ask questions." He undresses and walks
into a totally dark room, where, quite simply, anything goes. No orifice
barred, but all unseen. Sex by Braille, as it were.
The idea of totally anonymous sex is a powerful one in the human psyche.
Yeah, yeah, in the real world, one wants to know one's partners quite well,
indeed. But these are worlds of fantasy we deal with here, and this is a rich
one. And like most sexual fantasy worlds, there's a strong tinge of the
adolescent behind it.
For almost all of us, the first sexual experience comes from masturbation.
The 'zipless fuck' is really just an extension of that. There's still no
element of personal interaction, even though it's someone else's hand or touch
doing the nerve-ending manipulation. Here the narrator fucks and is fucked,
pleasure given and taken, but pleasure is all that is shared. No names, no
identities, nothing to tie the experience to a real person, just flesh,
touching and being touched. No commitments, no responsibilities, no
requirements to say or do the right thing to manipulate the other person into
doing what you want of them. Mutually agreed prostitution, without the
intrusion of monetary concerns. For those a bit tired of the Mating Dance,
the respite may seem attractive.
But it's also hollow. Like it or not, we live for interaction with other
human beings, and the individual who can voluntarily live as a total hermit is
a disturbed one, indeed. We need to connect with somebody else, or we
ourselves remain undefined.
"Dancing In the Dark" is certainly well-written. No typos that I noticed. No
characterizations, either, but that's fitting with the theme. The only cavil
I would have stems directly from the situation. The sex is a bit mechanical,
a bit dry, 'I did this, then they did this', that sort of thing. But that's
nearly unavoidable when you leave out the personal factors that gives sex its
meaning, its connective power. All in all, I found this story arousing on a
deep, selfish level, but ultimately, a little unsatisfying.
When I reposted this tale from the Archives, I noted that it came without
authorship attribution. Reading it again for this review, I noticed at the
very bottom, in among all the signature chatter, this: "public discussion:
alt.sex.stories.d
email: shelbyb@iglou.com "to Weird Writer"
That email address looks a lot like one for Thomas Shelby Bush, a well-
respected A.S.S. author. Shelby, are you responsible for this story, or do
you know who is?
Ratings for "Dancing In the Dark"
Minerva: (technical skill): 10
Aphrodite: (general appeal): 9
Apollo: (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Dancing in the Dark" by Weird Writer. Guest review by Dave Myers. { I got
two guest reviews of this one by mistake.}
The idea of an anonymous orgy is best suited to rather brief stories.
Otherwise the scene becomes too ridiculous and the step away from scents,
sounds, and ambiance is impossible since there won't be much character
development in an anonymous setting. That's why I'm glad this story stays
short. Even in 150 lines, though, it is quite possible to leave the reader
with the essence of too many jumbled body parts. Body parts are not the same
thing as the raw lust that should propel a scene like this.
Synopsis: Our narrator receives an invitation to a party, which turns out to
be an anonymous orgy taking place in pitch darkness. He has a good time.
Group sex is hard to write for. I give the author credit for not making a
total mess out of the situation, but there are a number of minor problems with
the narrative. First is the hokey way that our adventurous partygoer is coaxed
back into the world of the clothed (through what appears to be some sort of
knock out gas). There is also the issue of how incredibly quickly our virile
muffdiver manages to arrive at a second gushing orgasm, about 25 lines after
the first.
On the upside, the author gives us some rare male-male interaction amidst the
action. The narrator's reactions are positive, if slightly unrealistic for
what appears to be his first bisexual encounter. This passage could have been
better written. We also get refreshing giggles and laughter during the orgy
which manage to dispel what would otherwise be an over-serious affair, since
there is no dialogue in the sex scene.
Rating: 6.5
<end>
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