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From: Andrew Roller <roller666@earthlink.net>
Subject: FUCK DECENCY 367 Passions Playpen NND g2
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Andrew Roller Presents
FUCK DECENCY
Issue No. 367
ASLEEP AT THE NEWSSTAND
by holy joe
Playboy, May 1998, $4.95. Web: http://www.playboy.com
Review: I’m having a dream. In my dream, I’ve been reading
Playboy for 20 years. And the magazine hasn’t changed one iota in all
those years. It still runs small articles in the front of the magazine,
that nobody ever looks at. It still interviews people for page after
lengthy page, who nobody’s ever heard of. It still prints nude photos
of ‘stars’ that no man wants to see, even when she’s clothed. And it
still serves up a ‘Playmate,’ in a few meagre pages.
God, what a dream. Thank heaven the Playboy I read would never
be like that. It would keep up with the times. It would-- what th?
I’m awake!
I can’t believe it. It’s 1998. Not only is Playboy the same
magazine it was in 1978, it’s gotten worse! Nothing’s changed, but the
verve and spirit it had in the 70’s, with cute Playmates and creative
pictorials, is gone!
There are still plenty of articles, though. After all, as has
been said by many a man, “I buy it for the articles.”
Yep. That’s why Playboy is known around the world as “Playboy
News Corp.” Who needs naked girls, when you’ve got “20 Questions with
Ben Stiller” ?
What this magazine really needs is a makeover. Since nobody at
Playboy is going to do it, the task falls onto the shoulders of holy
joe. (Actually, it falls into my lap, if you know what I mean...)
So, in the spirit of constructive criticism, and because I have
blue balls, despite getting my new Playboy, here’s my makeover:
The cover: It features Ginger Spice. Despite a lot of hype,
the Spice Girls are not very attractive. I’d diss this cover, but a
10-year-old girl might like it. After all, 10-year-old girls are,
according to the Economist, crazy about the Spice Girls. A 10-year-old
might see this cover, and be inspired to be a Playmate. I wouldn’t want
to interfere with that!
So, here’s the rule for female ‘celebrities’ in Playboy. If
she isn’t as cute as a Playmate, or isn’t adored by 10-year-old girls,
don’t print her. With regard to this month’s cover, I’d say OUT, but,
since 10-year-old girls probably like it, I’ll say IN instead. (IN
means it’s okay to put it in Playboy.)
“Playbill,” page 7: It is interesting to look at pictures of
the various contributors to this month’s issue. Reluctantly, I’ll say
IN, but wouldn’t this page look better if it had a nude photo of Tiffany
Taylor on it?
“Table of Contents,” page 9: IN.
“The Playboy President,” by Hugh Hefner, page 11: It’s his
magazine, and a well-written, politically-oriented editorial. IN.
“Dear Playboy,” page 13: What ever happened to the NUDE photo
of last month’s Playmate in this section? These days, all they ever
show is her face or, in this case, a photo of her wearing a bra.
Sometimes, the Playmate doesn’t appear at all. In the 1970’s, she was
ALWAYS nude, and quite sexy looking. As I said above, Playboy hasn’t
just stayed the same over the years, it’s actually gotten worse. IN,
but get the nude Playmates back.
“Playboy After Hours,” page 17: Thus begins a long section
that, in 20 years of reading Playboy, I’ve yet to:
a: read, or
b: figure out what the hell they’re even talking about.
OUT !!!
“Raw Data,” page 18: The sad thing is, Playboy actually pays
people to research and write this crap. OUT !!!
“Wired,” page 20: Some kind of an attempt to reach a younger,
Net-wired audience. People can buy ‘Wired’ magazine if they want this
crap. OUT !!!
“Movies,” page 21: Here’s that old guy that you see sometimes
on the Playboy channel when the last feature’s ended and the next one
has yet to begin. I haven’t read this section in two decades. OUT !!!
“Video,” page 23: More crap, except for the tiny photo of
three topless babes. Chuck the other crap on this page, and enlarge the
picture of the babes. OUT, except for the babes.
“Music,” page 24: Ever hear of ‘Spin’ magazine? I’ve never
read it and never bought it, but people who want to know about music
can. OUT !!!
“Fast Tracks,” page 25: I have two college degrees, yet have
never figured out, in two decades, what the hell Playboy’s talking about
here. Get rid of this incomprehensible crap. OUT !!!
“Books,” page 26: I have about 3,000 books crammed into my
dumpster. Yet, in 20 years, I’ve never read this column. OUT !!!
“Health and Fitness,” page 28: I belong to two health clubs,
and never go to either one. The last thing I need to do is read about
something I never have time for. OUT !!!
“Men,” page 29: This column should be useful, but I’ve rarely,
if ever, read it. Something needs to be done with this. Otherwise, all
I can say is OUT !!!
“Money Matters,” page 30: Buy Money Magazine. (Ever hear of
‘core competency,’ Playboy?) OUT !!!
“Mantrack,” page 33: An article about kitchen knives. (See
what I mean? Page after colorful page, that could be devoted to naked
girls, is instead about junk like this.) For God’s sake, get rid of
it. OUT !!!
“The Playboy Advisor,” page 39: It used to have a cute drawing
of a girl in it each month. I guess that artist must have died, because
this month’s artist looks like he skipped his lessons in art class. I
never read this damn section. OUT !!!
“The Playboy Forum,” page 41: Like barnacles on an old ship,
the worthless articles just keep accumulating. OUT !!!
“Newsfront,” page 48: This is the only ‘article’ in this whole
fucking magazine that I look at each month. It details various
politically correct efforts (some by the police) to stamp out sex in our
society. Sometimes I even read this section before I look at the
Playmate. This is an excellent section. IN. (At last, I hit something
worthwhile.)
“Playboy Interview,” page 51: This is probably the only other
written section in Playboy that is worth having. I think the last time
I actually read it was in 1985, but it usually looks good. IN.
“Bubba Bubba,” page 62: (An article by Arianna Huffington.)
It may be good, but I’ll never read it. Just like all the other 9,000
articles Playboy’s printed that I’ve never read. Would you rather see
this, or Tiffany Taylor pretending to spank Shae Marks with a riding
crop? OUT !!!
A cartoon, page 65: The guy doesn’t know how to draw cute
girls. OUT !!!
Ginger Spice, page 67: Here we apply our rule. I have no
interest in seeing Ginger Spice, let alone without her clothes on.
However, since her appearance in Playboy might inspire a 10-year-old
girl to become a Playmate, IN.
A cartoon, page 75: There is no girl at all in this cartoon,
just a housewife. OUT.
“Netmail,” page 76: One of those fictional stories that I
never read. (I never even read the stories by Ray Bradbury in Playboy,
and he’s my favorite author.) OUT.
An article about Tiger Woods, page 78: If I was interested in
a black golfer, I’d buy Sports Illustrated. I’m not, and I don’t. OUT.
An article about Champagne, page 82: Would you rather see
this, or Petra Verkaik having a pillow fight? OUT.
A cartoon, page 85: It features an old lady (granny), but it’s
about sex and it’s funny. IN.
An article about shirts, page 86: It features a cute blonde,
but why can’t we see her tits, her cunt, or her ass? Good God, from
kitchen knives to shirts! What’s the next ‘article’ going to be about?
Toilet paper? OUT !!!
A cartoon, page 91: For the first time in 20 years, I actually
understand this idiot’s cartoon. (The guy who draws really weird.)
What a lucky break for him. IN. (The cartoon is about the ‘war on
drugs,’ a legitimate topic for a freedom-loving magazine like Playboy.)
“25 Things Men Do Right in Bed,” an article, page 92: This was
sort of interesting to read, but I had to search all over the magazine
to manage to (skim) it. Here’s another rule for Playboy: No ‘jump
pages.’ Do you really think a guy is going to go ‘jumping’ around,
reading an article like this, and decide, on the basis of that, to buy
this magazine? In many stores, the customer isn’t even allowed to open
Playboy, let alone read some long, broken-up article like this one,
that’s scattered all through the magazine. And, when a guy does
actually open Playboy in the store, before buying it, guess what he
looks at?
(The centerfold.) So, IN, but don’t ‘jump’ it all over the
magazine.
The centerfold pictorial, page 94: It’s short. It’s boring.
The girl is 24, but looks 30. (Actually, she looks 27, but that’s too
old for me!)
The centerfold pictorial needs to be expanded. It should be
many, many pages. What would make it really nice would be if it
included, say, another girl in parts of it. She and the Playmate of the
Month could do fun things together. God forbid that should ever happen,
though. Playboy might have to delete some of its unfunny cartoons or
its tedious ‘articles.’
The centerfold itself: The centerfold is printed on very high
quality paper. Therefore, all of it should be used for photos of naked
girls! In this way, a guy couldn’t just take out the centerfold and
hang it up on his wall. He’d have to buy a second copy of the magazine,
so he could look at the centerfold, AND look at the back of the
centerfold at the same time. But that would mean that Playboy would
sell lots of copies of its magazine. We wouldn’t want that, would we?
In any event, since I’m doing this makeover, guess what happens
to the “Playmate Data Sheet”? It gets moved off the back of the
centerfold, and moved to, in this case, page 107. The cartoon on page
107 gets chucked. “Playmate Date Sheet” is IN, but move it to the page
after the centerfold.
As for “Playboy’s Party Jokes,” it gets moved off the
centerfold too. I doubt anyone cares deeply about this section (I
don’t), but Leroy Neiman’s ‘little Playmate’ cartoons are nice. So,
strictly for the sake of the girl, this page gets moved someplace else.
(Perhaps the second-to-last page of the magazine.) IN.
An article about a new style of motorcycle, page 108: Again,
we are faced with the question: As a reader of Playboy, are you more
interested in looking at a picture of a motorcycle, or a picture of
naked girls? OUT.
An article about Playboy memorabilia, page 112: Gosh, it’s a
Playboy ashtray! Get rid of this crap, please. OUT !!!
A cartoon, page 115: This guy draws fairly sexy girls that you
can (almost) jack off to. IN.
“Playmate Revisited,” page 117: A Playmate who looked great in
1983 doesn’t anymore. But Playboy prints (current) photos of her
anyway. I thought the rule was, ONE photo of how she looks now, all the
rest of how she looked then. (When she was cute.) OUT, or fix it so we
see her when she looked her best.
(God, even the best-looking chicks wind up being old, boring
housewives.)
“Playboy’s 1998 Baseball Review,” an article, page 120: I
suppose when basketball season rolls around Playboy will insist on
wasting space on that sport, too. OUT !!!
A cartoon, page 123: This makeover is itself getting tedious.
The cartoon is about sex, and is funny. Too bad there’s no girl in it
that I can jack off to. IN.
“Playboy Gallery,” page 125: There’s no nudity here. OUT !!!
“Far-Out Pagers,” page 126: How much crappy (new) merchandise
does Playboy review, anyway? Is this magazine about us seeing naked
girls, or Playboy’s staffers getting free merchandise? Please, O-U-T
!!!
A cartoon, page 129: It’s funny, it’s about teenage sex and
yuppie parents. IN.
A ‘celebrity’ pictorial, page 130: She looks ugly, she has no
suntan, and she’s boringly photographed. No 10-year-old girls have ever
heard of her. I’ve never heard of her. OUT !!!
“20 Questions, Ben Stiller,” an article on page 138: Well, at
least this ‘article’ isn’t about merchandise. Except, of course, its
whole purpose is to ‘sell’ Ben Stiller. (I guess.) I never read this
section, even though it appears every month. I’d rather see a
Playmate. OUT !!!
A small cartoon, page 140: It’s about sex, and it’s very
funny. IN.
An article about Truman Capote, page 143: Capote was a pretty
strange fellow, which makes him interesting, but I doubt I’ll ever have
time to read this article. OUT.
Panty of the Month ad, page 145: Normally, I wouldn’t review
an ad. But I’ve gaped at this ad many, many times. I think I might
even have masturbated over it several times. So, IN !
An ad for the Playboy Catalog, page 159: THANK GOD! There’s
actually a photo of a young, beautiful girl. But why can’t I see her
nipples? I bought this magazine to see young, beautiful girls, NAKED!
I could probably jack off to this, IF I could see her nipples. This
whole issue should be like this ad. (With the nipples showing, of
course.) IN, but show the nipples! (And the cunt too.)
“Where and How to Buy,” page 160: Ah, here we go. We’re
supposed to buy all that fucking merchandise that Playboy wasted so much
of its magazine on. Not a chance. I’m trying to jack off, not buy a
motorcycle. (Or kitchen knives, either.)
“Playmate News,” page 167: This is a new feature, having
started just recently. It’s quite good. It should be expanded to about
10 pages, and printed on slick paper, instead of junky paper. (The
motorcycle and kitchen knives got the slick paper, can you believe
that?) (Oh yeah. When you expand this section to ten pages, Playboy,
don’t forget the nudity. Currently, this section doesn’t have any.)
“Playboy on the Scene,” page 171: The only reason I check this
section is because it used to feature a naked girl in it each month.
Now, it doesn’t. Get rid of this crap, or bring back the girl. (In the
nude.) OUT !!!
“Playboy Grapevine,” page 172: I bump into this section a lot,
but only to see cute naked girls. (Which rarely appear.) Why is this
section in black and white? Put it in color, and make sure there’s at
least one cute girl in it each month, or, better yet, OUT.
“Playboy Potpourri,” page 174: I always check this section,
because there is usually one cute, naked girl in it each month. (In the
upper left hand corner.) This month, the girl who’s supposed to be cute
and naked is, instead, ugly and clothed. However, there is a topless
Barbie doll.)
(God, I can’t believe I masturbated over a Barbie doll.) IN,
but reluctantly.
“Next Month,” page 176: I always check this section, in
despair, hoping against hope that next month’s issue of Playboy will
actually have something worthwhile in it. There’s usually a good
picture of a naked girl here. Unfortunately, this month there isn’t.
(She has a swimsuit on.) IN, but remember: Ralph Reed doesn’t buy
Playboy. I do.
WHEW! What a job! As you can see, 99 percent of what is in
Playboy is crap. The other 1 percent is boring. Which raises a
question: If Playboy had to survive, in 1998, solely on the profits
from this magazine, could it? I don’t think so.
AND IN THE END...
“Those who can’t do, review.”
- anonymous.
-------------------------- Fuck Decency! ------------------------
-Back issues (and stories): type
http://www.dejanews.com/
into your browser’s “Location” window. Press your “return” key.
Click on “Power Search” in the middle of the screen. Next,
Type in: roller39@idt.net in the box that appears.
Click on “find” (the button to the right of the box).
-Other providers:
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-Naughty Naked Dreamgirls (Library of Congress ISSN: 1070-1427) is
copyright 1998 and a trademark of Andrew Roller.
-END OF 367 EMISSION
Pansy Pop, made in Japan.
--
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