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From: Eli the Bearded <story-usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
Subject: The Alt.Sex.Hello-Kitty FAQ (was: Re: ASH-K Re: SEX KITTENS!!!)
This was found in:
Newsgroups: alt.sex.hello-kitty,alt.fan.tito,alt.religion.kibology,
alt.my.head.hurts,alt.fan.richard-nixon
And I just thought it needed a wider audience.
Elijah
------ begin forwarded message ------
From: froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com (Carlos May)
Subject: Re: ASH-K Re: SEX KITTENS!!!
Date: 4 May 1997 23:16:10 GMT
Message-ID: <5kj5bq$t5o@uuneo.neosoft.com>
E.Holmes (eholmes@io.com) wrote:
: On Sun, 04 May 1997 03:32:51 -0500, 50's Conservative Jaffo wrote:
: /In alt.religion.kibology, on 4 May 1997 08:13:58 GMT, TPFH wanted to share:
: /
: /:(P.S. WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?)
: /
: /Because your ASH-K Faq is one of the funniest things I've ever read on
: /usenet and it DESERVES to be posted!
: Besides, it explains ALL about how Hello Kitty's incredible sexual
: prowess provides more exquisite pleasure than any mere blow job.
Well then, if TPFH won't post the a.s.h-k FAQ, I'll post the old version
I still have on file from back when I was the FAQkeeper. (Look out Jaffo,
or we might pass the post of a.s.h-k FAQkeeper on to YOU!!)
Outdated... A character searching for a play, a man without a country,
a FAQ without (due to SPAM) a functional newsfroup....
-------------------------------------------------------
ALT.SEX.HELLO-KITTY FAQ
version 4.0 (last revised 25 September, 1996)
Posted to alt.sex.hello-kitty about once or twice a month
Hi fellow friends of the Great Cute Mouthless One!
/^\_(>o<)
| |
| O . O |
\_______/
Comments, additions, and corrections welcome; please post them here.
froggy@neosoft.com
----------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTICE: THIS FAQ CONTAINS EXPLICIT DISCUSSION OF SANRIO CHARACTERS!
-- you have been warned --
-------------------------------------------------------
Topics Dealt With:
1) What is alt.sex.hello-kitty?
2) Who or what is Hello Kitty?
3) Does Hello Kitty have a mouth?
4) What are some of Hello Kitty's sexual powers?
5) Who are some of Hello Kitty's sexual partners?
6) What are some of Hello Kitty's nicknames?
7) Are there really Hello Kitty condoms?
8) Can Hello Kitty really improve my sexlife?
9) Is it true that some people worship Hello Kitty?
10) Hey! I can't get alt.sex.hello-kitty! What's up?
11) What's with all these non-Hello Kitty related posts?
12) Who is this Froggy d00d?
13) Alright already, what IS alt.sex.hello-kitty, anyway?
-------------------------------------------------------
ALT.SEX.HELLO-KITTY FAQ
1) What is alt.sex.hello-kitty?
Um. A Usenet newsgroup. Called "alt.sex.hello-kitty". Where
Hello Kitty is talked about. And other stuff. Er...
"M.P." <hectors@vip.best.com> says:
" news: alt.sex.hello-kitty
I've no idea what this group is or about but, yous guys is
funny. Especially Carlos May. Thanks... MORE!"
(Carlos May says: "Well, thank YOU. But hey, anyone who can be even
funnier than me here on alt.sex.hello-kitty is welcome to do so!")
As to what this group is about... um...
Well, according to tpfh@io.com (The Philosopher from Hell):
"This group is for discussion of the Extra-terrestrial (or to some a
Goddess) demi-fiction cat-being Hello Kitty, whose image you can find
on many very cute japanese toys. You will also hear her refered to as
"The Great Mouthless One." She is the savior of all mankind, and without
the help of Her sevant Richard Nixon, we will be doomed to at least
the next 4 years with Clinton or Dole (who are agents of the EVIL
Goodbye Kitty (who looks just like HK, but with a Mouth))."
Uh, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, sort of.
Actually, it's easier to answer some of the other questions
first, before this one...
2) Who or what is Hello Kitty?
Hello Kitty is the macrocephalic plush kitten deity of the Sanrio
pantheon. She is discussed in non-sexual contexts over on
alt.fan.hello-kitty *. There is no general agreement as to
exactly who or what Hello Kitty is, although everyone agrees
she's cuter than hell. Some have speculated she is an
extraterrestrial from an ancient mouthless race on a more
advanced and much cuter planet. To others she is a sex goddess, an
eternal virgin, a modern marketing fad, an ancient oriental
icon, an innocent kitten, the Whore of Babylon, a wise prophet, a
newborn babe, a sassy 18 year old, your best friend, your
worst nightmare, and oh so very much more.
According to clancygirl@aol.com:
: hello kitty is the polymorph whose pervesity resides in her obtuseness
* alt.fan.hello-kitty v/s alt.sex.hello-kitty: differing opinions.
While some people think that the sexual discussion of Hello Kitty
should be seperated from the non-sexual, others think that this division
is not merely artificial but harmfull. Some Hello Kitty fans say that
sexuality is such an inherent part of Hello Kitty's nature that any
attempt to seperate it out is a denial that is ultimately futile.
3) Does Hello Kitty have a mouth?
No.
3a) But...
No "But"s. I _SAID_ No.
3b) So how does Hello Kitty talk?
Telepathically.
3c) How does Hello Kitty give head?
Alas, Hello Kitty sometimes wishes she had a mouth so she could perform
fellatio. However, since she is able to generate powerful suction with
her vaginal muscles, she has yet to leave a partner unsatisfied. Hello
Kitty is also able to extend and move her labia so that they can "lick"
like a pair of tounges.
3d) How does Hello Kitty eat?
Hello Kitty does not need to eat. Hello Kitty lives on sunshine, fresh
air, and lots and lots of hot cum shot up into her pussy.
3e) How does Hello Kitty breathe?
Through her nose, silly!
3f) But, REALLY! I _SAW_ this cartoon of Hello Kitty where she had
a mouth. REALLY!
That isn't a question.
3g) Okay. Well, since I saw this cartoon of Hello Kitty with a mouth,
how do you explain that, hunh?
Look, we've already estabished that Hello Kitty doesn't have a mouth,
right? Okay then. You see, Hello Kitty is an actress. In some cartoons
she is called upon to play roles of characters that have mouths. In such
cases, a "mouth" is added in the film's post-production through special
effects. Sheesh, I gotta explain this to ya?
We should also mention that many people believe that there is an evil
anti-Hello Kitty, known as "Goodbye Kitty", who looks just like Hello
Kitty except that she has a mouth.
So be wary of any alleged Hello Kitty that has a mouth!
4) What are some of Hello Kitty's sexual powers?
It's hard to separate myth and legend from reality here, since
many who've had sex with Hello Kitty are either unconscious or
babble incoherently in altered states of consciousness for days
afterwards. None the less, Hello Kitty's sexual powers are
clearly awesome, her gymnastic genital control being exceeded only by
her mastery of female ejaculation. Hello Kitty is able to propel herself
high into the air from her own ooze/squirt. She will sometimes, for
example, have half a dozen male partners lie on their backs, and Hello
Kitty will propel herself from throbbing erect penis to throbbing erect
penis without using her arms or legs, and is able to do so with such
rapidity that each partner feels like they alone are screwing Hello
Kitty. Hello Kitty's labia taste sweeter than honey, juicier than
oranges, more intoxicating than absinthe, and more addictive than
chocolate. Her lovers often bottle up her vaginal secretions, and
although they are not scarce such bottles still sell for high prices.
Some claim that Hello Kitty Pussy Juice not only cures impotence and
reverses the ageing process, but can even cure disease and raise the dead.
Tiny amounts of smegma from around Hello Kitty's clitoris are used as a
flavoring agent in all Hello Kitty Bubble Gum (especially the
stawberry flavored).
5) Who are some of Hello Kitty's sexual partners?
Hello Kitty has brought pleasure to millions all over the world, but
some of her regular partners include:
* Kerokerokeroppi, a priapic frog with an amazingly long and
flexible tongue.
* Spotty Dotty, a fashion conscious hot to trotty bitch in heat.
* Tippi, a real "teddy" bear.
* Pochacco, the pooch who put the "dog" into "doggy-style"
* Peckle the Duck. Those in the know call him "Pecker the Fuck".
* Tuxedo Sam, the elementary penguin, who is eternally spiffy,
cool, and hard.
* Zashikibuta, a sexy pig whose middle name is "pork".
* My Melody, a snuggle-bunny who likes to hump like a rabbit.
* Twin Stars. Double your pleasure, double your fun...
* Zippy the Pinhead, master of the Yow, the brilliant creation of
cartoonist Bill Griffith.
* Kibo. A series of persistant rumors allege that Hello Kitty has
kidnapped Usenet guru/deity Kibo and is holding him on Neptune
as a sex slave, but these allegations are so far unconfirmed.
* Richard Nixon. This last deserves further explanation.
sanders@isa.informatik.th-darmstadt.de (Keith Sanders) says:
"Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was the
first US president ever to get a five-way labial stroke-fuck from Hello
Kitty. One warmly recounted story in the Nixon White House was of the
time that Mr. Nixon, along with John Ehrlichman, G. Gordon Liddy, VP Spiro
T. Agnew, and then-Representative Gerald Ford stood in a circle four meters
across, erect penises exposed, as Hello Kitty shot _horizontally_ in a
manic pentagram pattern of an-oral feline loving (similar to the
vertically-inclined pattern described in the FAQ). Trivia item:
the flowing juices stained the Green Room carpet irreversibly, in the
aforementioned pantagram pattern, so the carpet had to be removed; later,
the rug was used as a background "tapestry" in the "Cult Induction" scene
of the stage production of Wilson & Shea's "Illuminatus!" trilogy.
"Nixon, far from being the extremist conservative he is so often depicted as
in the liberal media, was actually an unquenchable roaring source of
desire who liked to fuck flying demi-fictional cats!!!"
6) What are some of Hello Kitty's nicknames?
Hello Titty, Hello Pussy, Hello Clitty.
7) Are there really Hello Kitty condoms?
Alilena (alilena@aol.com) wrote:
: Yes! It's true -- I'd seen a picture of what I *beleived* to be a pack
: of condoms with monchiki on them in the Japanese Seventeen mag. Then
: yesterday I picked up the new mangajin and they had a close-up on the
: product! It really exists! Think Sanrio will ever distribute them here?
: Weird...
So the answer seems to be yes and no. Condoms with Sanrio
characters actually are manufactured and sold, but are not
commercially availible in North America.
7a) So, can you get some Hello Kitty condoms for me?
I wish I could. If anyone has a source for getting them in North
America, we'd like to know.
8) Can Hello Kitty really improve my sex life?
Sure! Just listen to the unsolicited testimonial below:
From: greenman@pacifier.com (steven michael nelson)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.hello-kitty
Subject: Hello-kitty SM sex experience
" Just wandered across this news groop and well since it has sex in the
title I thought I'd share a true story of the catalyst for my reclaiming
my bisexuality.
" Last year I met thees two women at this Gathering I went to. they realy
liked me and expressed their intrest asking me if I would like to bottom
to them in an SM sceen. Now I'd never played with women but I liked them
so I said Yes. Well after some play piercins with hypodermic needles that
they left in, they had me kneel on this low table and while one of them
was flogging my back the other was siting on a couch in frunt of me and
pulled out this small zippered pouch, opened it and pulled
out...Hello-kitty clips, like small clothes pins. She proceded to pull my
scrotum up over my penis and fasten the two sides over the top of my penic
with the Hello-kitty clips, then she applyed more of them to the inside of
my thigs all the whil the other woman continud to flog me. I coulden't
stop laughing at the perversity of it all. Then Hello-kitty clips were
put on my nipples and the woman who was flogging me leaned around, grabbed
my left nipple, twisted and then declaired "the nipples don't work" which
inspired me to quote Red Dwarf ligns. As it turned out the other woman was
a Red Dwarf freek and we ended up quoting lignes from Red Dwarf to each
other while the other woman contnued to flog me, the three of laughing and
carring on. We ended up in bed later that night and well that was the
beguinning of my bisexuality. Thank you Hello-kitty!
Youngtree"
9) Is it true that some people worship Hello Kitty?
Well...
In response to this question by sara matthews (slapz@ozemail.com.au):
: Why is it that I only started to get the hiccups once I read that
: "Froggy" word? Is this some American Copperfieldish fiendish plot? Am I
: doomed?. Will I be able to sleep? Or will Pseudo-gaucho's try to rIde
: me? Should I assume as upright posture? Will that help? Should I just
: give up (or in), paint myself green and hope for the best (beast?)?
:
: Or should I just blame the Port?
The Philosopher from Hell (tpfh@io.com) evangelized:
"you should pray at your personal shrine to The Great Mouthless One.
If you don't have one, make one. All you need is some Sanrio product
with the image of the Goddess. Pray to Hello Kitty, and Her healing
powers of cuteness will cure you of any and all ailments."
10) Hey! I can't get alt.sex.hello-kitty! What's up?
Not all systems carry all newsgroups. The distribution of a.s.h-k
is fairly good, but could certainly be better. If your internet
provider does not carry alt.sex.hello-kitty, send a email to your
postmaster or sysop asking for it by name. Many providers will add
Usenet groups from user requests; sometimes just a single request
will do the trick.
11) What's with all these non-Hello Kitty related posts?
The non Hello Kitty related posts in a.s.h-k fall into
two categories:
a) Spam.
b) Allowed.
In more detail:
a) Spam. This is mostly advertising. Some of it is widely
crossposted, some is just posted right here. This is mainly
put here by clueless jackasses selling "phone sex" or some
other scam throughout the "alt.sex.*" newsgroups.
Alas, the "spam" problem has grown exponentially in the past
couple of years. Various @(*@(% idiots have taken to crossposting
sex ads to every newsgroup with the letters "sex" in them.
Of course, this is considered unethical net abuse, and most
reputable internet service providers will cancel the accounts
of anyone who is caught doing it, and widely posted spams
will be canceled. However the problem has grown so large that
many newsgroups, especially in the alt.sex.* heirarchy, have
been abandoned by their previous users. There are now many
Usenet groups with no messages other than the spam ads, posted
by jerks who don't even read the groups they post to.
Many spammers now forge their return addresses, so you can't
send them complaints just by replying. However, if you
learn to read paths and headers (which we encourage those
new to Usenet to learn how to do) you can often tell what
server a post originated from and complain to the sysop or
postmaster at the site of origin.
For basic information on things to do and not to do on Usenet,
check out the group "news.announce.new-users". For info on
the continuing fight against abuse of the net, read the newsgroup
"news.admin.net-abuse.misc".
If you care about the Usenet, we encourage you to join in
the fight to keep it usuable. Even just complaining about spam
once in a while helps. Perhaps you (like many other people) think
that "alt.sex.hello-kitty" is already too far gone with a flood of
spam to save. Well, if you don't want the rest of the net to be
similarly drowned, please join in the fight.
If you are the type of person who would wish to post sex ads
to off-topic groups, or spam "Make Money Fast" pyramid schemes,
we hope you'll go straight to Heck, where the Evil Goodbye Kitty
will make you bust up your computor with a hammer and eat it.
Oh, and alt.sex.hello-kitty DOES have an OFFICIAL WARNING. We used
to send it to spammers, back in the days when there were just a few
of them, and they usually included their real addresses in their posts.
It may well be out of date now (alas), but some folks still like it.
The traditional alt.sex.hello-kitty official warning looks like this:
***************************************************
* *
* SPAMMERS AND ADVERTISERS BEWARE!!! *
* *
* This Newsgoup is protected by *
* *
* /^\_(>o<) *
* | | *
* | O . O | *
* \_______/ *
* *
* *
* H E L L O K I T T Y ! ! *
* *
* ** you have been warned ** *
* *
***************************************************
b) The other category of stuff in this newsfroup is "Allowed". This is
stuff that belongs in this here newsgroup. Of course, traditional
alt.sex.hello-kitty stuff belongs here. F'example:
Talk about the sexual adventures, desires, and fantasies of Hello
Kitty and her friends, and Sexual uses of Sanrio products. But also,
there is:
Non traditional stuff that belongs here, because it
is now Allowed. Because Froggy and Friends say so.
This is our newsgroup, see? ...But we share.
We encourage you to contribute to this newsgroup, if you
have something fun or interesting to say.
Oh, and "alt.sex.hello-kitty" has been historically quite free
of flames, flamebait, and deliberate hostility. Let's try to
keep it that way.
So to sumerize:
What belongs in alt.sex.hello-kitty:
Stuff about Hello Kitty and friends, stuff by and about and in
responce to the regular posters, fun and funny stuff.
What does not belong in alt.sex.hello-kitty (some of it is here,
but we try to fight it):
Advertisements and spam.
What isn't here, and we hope stays away:
Nasty hatefull stuff.
12) Who is this Froggy d00d?
Froggy@neosoft.com, aka "The Information Super-Frog",
occasionally known as Carlos May, even more occasionally
known by other names, but more generally on line (and
elsewhere) known as Froggy, is the guy who done put together
this FAQ, dig? He went on line in July of 1994. He started
posting FAQs for alt.sex.hello-kitty about December of
1994 (he doesn't remember, exactly, the date). He took
over alt.sex.hello-kitty in July of 1995.
Froggy used it as his personal silly newsgroup for about a
year, but in July of 1996 the spam problem got to be so
unmanagable that Froggy moved his main headquarters to alt.fan.tito.
However, do to urging of other alt.sex.hello-kitty fans, Froggy
hasn't given up on a.s.h-k and still hangs around here.
Froggy is a citizen of the world who usually lives in New Orleans.
He's as old as the hills and as young as tomorrow. In addition to sex
and Hello Kitty, his interests include frogs, early jazz, and ancient
MesoAmerica. And other stuff.
You can often find him on alt.religion.kibology and alt.slack.
In fact, some familiarity with these newsgroups will probably
help you understand some of the stuff crossposted in to here.
And might be fun and enlightening, too. Froggy sometimes pokes
around a whole bunch of other newsgroups too. Not everything
Froggy posts is crossposted here, just the stuff Froggy conciders
fun/funny/relevent enough. There is a serious side to Froggy
too, but he doesn't think it particularly relevent to this newsgroup.
For more from Froggy, also check out alt.fan.tito and alt.politics.jaffo .
Froggy doesn't have his own webpage (sheesh!) but has written stuff
that's on a bunch of other folks pages. Two pages that contain
a few things by Froggy and lots of other stuff that Froggy thinks is
KEWL are the SubGenius website and the alt.thinking.hurts website,
which are respectively:
http://sunsite.unc.edu/subgenius
http://www.ccnet.com/~fburke/ohsafety.html
Froggy is also a high priest of the True Church of the Great
Green Frog, and a prophet of the Fraternal Religious Order
of Gollywogs. He knows that Frog croaked for our sins.
Froggy sometimes channels an ancient green entity from the
Frog Star called "Frater Frogalogus".
What others have said about Froggy:
"froggy is a benevolent god.... "
-- patricking (thirstype@aol.com)
" Carlos May is the official FROG PRINCE(TM) of alt.sex.* "
-- The Jenn Conspiracy (jenn@rs1.tcs.tulane.edu)
" My alt.slack ShorDurPerSav is Frater Frogalogus, who dances the
razor edge beetween alt.religion.kibology and alt.slack artfully. Hats
off to Froggy!"
-- David Lynch (eraserhead@iglou.iglou.com)
(note: "ShorDurPerSav" means Short Duration Personal Savior)
"Froggy's not a doctor, but he plays one on TV...I think he's more than
qualified."
-- President-for-Life Rev. Gypsy Joker KSC, IM, SP4, Earl of Fives
Froggy is also the President of Froggy's Usenet Salvage
Company (F.U.S.C), a leading dealer in reconditioned and
low milage used newsgroups. Want your own newsgroup without
mucking around in alt.config and sending a control message?
Come to Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company! Used newsgroups are
the the ecologically sound and economical choice! Check out
our impressive selection!
Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company is convienently located at
alt.sex.hello-kitty, in the heart of the alt.sex.* hierarchy;
branch office at alt.fan.tito.
Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company is the only entity allowed to
advertise in alt.sex.hello-kitty without becoming spam.
Well, other ads _might_ be allowed _only_ under the following
conditions: 1) The ads are not actually selling anything,
and: 2) The ads are very very funny.
13) Alright, already, what IS alt.sex.hello-kitty, anyway?
Sheesh. You don't know by now? Ain't ya read the FAQ?
-----------------------------------------------------
thanks to those who contributed
------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ froggy@neosoft.com ~ FAQkeeper, alt.sex.hello-kitty ~ "Tounge of Frog" ~
*** "Don't just say Ribbit... Live it!!" -- Kerokerokeroppi. ***
* President, Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company. * Hequet. Kermit. *
* F.U.S.C. headquarters: alt.sex.hello-kitty * alt.fan.tito *
------ end forwarded message ------
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