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From: Celeste801@aol.com
Subject: Celestial Reviews 177 - April 30
X-Is-Review: yes
Celestial Reviews 177 - April 30, 1997
Note: In the recent flurry of comments on my reviews, one of the silliest
comments I have seen is this one:
<<...if you think that newsgroup authors deserve praise for their stories,
don't support Celeste. According to her, when you don't sell your story for
money, your work becomes common property. How can you expect to be praised
for your work when you can't even expect it not to be stolen? How can you
expect it not to be stolen when someone who calls themselves a reviewer
"reviews" and dignifies stolen work?>>
If my high school students cite information that badly out of context, I fail
them on the paper. Citing me like that is akin to saying that religious
people should not read the bible, because it advocates atheism. It does, you
know - the bible says, "There is no God." As a matter of fact, it makes this
statement in at least two different places. In one passage it says, "The
fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.'" In another place it says, "I am
the Lord thy God, there is no God before me."
My point is that I am one of the strongest advocates of giving authors credit
for their work. Unless I am mistaken, the refereence to my writing is taken
from a review in which I was berating someone for changing Rondu's "Double
Trouble" by turning the twin boys into twin girls. I contrasted this clearly
inappropriate practice (and a few other bad practices, as I recall) with the
work of an author named TEX, who once posted a story called "Raped Teen
Burglar" that consisted of a previous story with an added second half that
parodied the original story and completely reversed its impact. {The
original story conveyed the message that it would be fun for a guy to capture
a teenage burglar and make her into a permanent sex slave, whereas the TEX
version suggested that a person who did this sort of thing would be a shallow
asshole who would deserve the gang-rapes that would probably occur when he
got to prison.} I don't want to revisit the TEX issue here (maybe some other
time), but my point is that one would have to read really badly (or
deliberately falsify information) in order to interpret my position on that
issue to support the position that I'm accused of in the preceding quotation.
Second Note: Someone has reposted a large number of stories by Michael K.
Smith. I am reposting my reviews of those stories. In addition, I found a
few more outstanding stories that have appeared recently in a.s.s.m., and I
am reposting those reviews as well. It is my impression that a.s.s.m. is
working out pretty well.
Third Note: Arthur C. Clarke has a series on television called "Unexplained
Mysteries." Let him try this one. I woke up with a coughing spasm last
night. I wasn't going to get back to sleep. The mucus from my nasal drip
was going to irritate my throat and drive me crazy. This ruled out French
kissing. {I thought I should throw that in, just in case anyone objected to
this being something other than a sex story.} I find when this happens the
best thing to do is to get up, take a drink of water, and sit up for a few
minutes. I did a, b, and c; and while doing c, I flipped on my computer. I
drifted onto AOL, and since it was 2:30 a.m., I got on at my first try.
Under the apparent influence of mind control, I went into a.s.s. The first
story on the list was a spam asking me if I was sick of spam. The next
fourteen entries were labeled 'naughty naked dreamgirls numbers 21 through
8." Next came "Please Baby...Cum All Over My Ass!!!", which was followed
immediately by "I Want You To Fuck Me Up The Ass Baby!!!" and then "!H@@KERS
4 HIRE".
I couldn't believe my luck. In fact, since I'm a Libra I don't put any stock
at all in that psychic crap, and so I don't even believe in omens; but I
couldn't help it: I downloaded 'naughty naked dreamgirls 8." When I looked
at its title, I saw "Chambers of Love Part Eight by Andrew Roller Chapter
Four." Well, says I, before I get roped into a story that has no ending or
beginning, I had better check out "dreamgirls 9." I did so, and its title
was " Chambers of Love Part Nine by Andrew Roller Chapter Four." Then AOL
warned me that I would be disconnected unless I responded by checking YES. I
checked YES and was disconnected anyway a few minutes later. All of this was
so surrealistic that I was tempted to yank out a cunt hair as a test to see
if I was awake or dreaming.
Now I must digress for a moment. I have a moral dilemma, which I have
discussed several times in these reviews. This moral dilemma is the one thin
link that turns these reviews into a story and makes it appropriate to post
them on a.s.s. instead of a.s.s.d. with all the other DISCUSSIONS of sex
stories that are the meaty topic of that newsgroup. My moral dilemma is as
follows. I am a blissfully - indeed, obnoxiously - happy monogamist. I am
intensely - indeed, obnoxiously - loyal to my One True Love, who is also my
Husband. Yet I enjoy sex fantasies - which is fortunate; otherwise I would
dislike writing these reviews. Now here's the dilemma part: sometimes I have
erotic dreams. OK, OFTEN I have erotic dreams, and during some of these
dreams I am tempted to go all the way with the sexy person who is sharing the
dream with me. My goddam moral principles are so deeply embedded, however,
that even in my dreams my conscience tells me not to do it! So in my dreams
I watch all kinds of sexy people fucking their brains out, and some of these
people come on to me. Invariably I say no thank you. Sometimes I even chew
gum or take a cold shower to mitigate my frustration in my dream.
But sometimes I become aware in my dream that maybe I am dreaming. And then
- still in my dream - it occurs to me that if I'm dreaming it won't really do
me any harm to fuck with the guy who's sticking it up the ass of the
beautiful woman right there in front of me. I won't get AIDS or even a yeast
infection from the penis that has been in the other lady's asshole. The guy
will be able to shoot his wad in me in spite of the fact that he has just
reamed out her other two apertures before he got to her ass. And my husband
won't care; indeed, if he notices at all, he'll have to be in the dream
himself, and he'll probably join right in. In other words, my dream will be
just like an a.s.s. story.
However, what usually happens at this point is that all this thinking wakes
me up. So my goal has become to catch myself dreaming AND TO MANAGE TO STAY
ASLEEP LONG ENOUGH TO HAVE SEX IN THE DREAM.
Now back to the present - actually, back to last night. That is, this is no
longer a digression, unless this whole thing is a digression - which is
distinctly possible, since this may all be a dream. Here I was, downloading
Parts 8 and 9 of uncapitalized "naughty naked dreamgirls," which were really
both Chapter 4 of the same story, which apparently did not exist, as also did
not exist Parts 1 through 7, which probably would have been Chapter 4 of that
same story, which still did not exist, except for these several chapter 4's.
And these Chapter 4's, whether they existed or not, came immediately after a
spam that told me how to avoid spams and before some really inviting sexual
innuendoes that probably would also have offered me pictures, except that AOL
had logged me off after it had just told me to say YES if I wanted to say NO
to this eventuality.
Things like this don't happen in real life, not even in cyberspace. The only
explanation was that I had caught myself dreaming right there at my computer.
Not only was I dreaming, but I knew I was dreaming. I could have sex with
monogamous impunity. My only problem was that I had no partner.
Do you like my story? Does it make you cum in buckets? If so, please write
to me, and maybe I'll finish it if I haven't awakened by then.
Just in case you're wondering, I checked when I woke up in the morning. The
preceding paragraphs were still here, and so I wasn't dreaming after all. I
guess, in a sense, I was only dreaming that I was dreaming. I DID have some
pretty good sex after I wrote those paragraphs, but I'm pretty sure it was
with my husband, who was naked in my bed and already had a hard-on when I
returned after the mucus went away. I can't say that for sure. I'll have to
ask him.
Wow! Talk about unclear grammar! I had better clarify that. I didn't have
to check with my husband to see if the mucus was gone. I had to check to see
if it was him (actually, he) whom I fucked early that morning. Whoever it
was - when we kissed, he got my chewing gum, not my mucus.
But I had better tell you the end of this story. Since these events had been
on my mind, I decided to tell my husband about my dream problems the next
night when we went to bed. However, he was in a playful mood, and he
suggested that we play Tell Me Your Dream while we made love. It turned out
that this was very much like Tell Me About Your First Time, which has been
played in several a.s.s. stories. I won the toss at "Cocks and Cunts," and I
elected to receive during the first half. {If you don't know what this
means, you should either read "Straight Sex" by Mike Hunt or check out the
review of that story in CR 176.} So he told his story first.
It seems that the previous night he had been dreaming about making love on a
beach with Naomi Campbell. She had wrapped her lips around his cock and
messaged it with her lips while she occasionally stroked it with her tongue.
She had brought him close to climax while she deep throated him. Then he
had pushed her head back and forced her gently down on her back and nuzzled
his face up against her pussy. As he inhaled her aroma, he began to lick and
tease her clitoris, which was surprisingly hard. She started to cum almost
immediately, and she continued to undulate wildly on the beach while the
waves crashed around them while he continued his attention to her cunt while
he massaged her asscheeks with his hands.
Then he unexpectedly felt a different pair of lips on his own ass. After a
few minutes this other pair of lips started rimming his asshole while he
continued to bring Naomi closer and closer to heaven. Finally, Naomi gently
pushed his head aside, rolled him over, mounted him, and began riding him
like a cowgirl, only she was faced away from him, and all he could see was
her little rosebud between her asscheeks and her beautiful buttocks as she
rocked up and down and rode into ecstasy. He closed his eyes, and the second
pair of lips wrapped themselves around his cock and began making him even
happier. Well, I'm not good at details, but let's just say that at the
moment when Naomi Campbell let out a scream that would have awakened the
other girls on his Sports Illustrated calendar, the other woman did a trick
with her tongue that caused my husband to erupt in an orgasm of his own.
Then he kissed both women and fell asleep in his dream.
I mean, this guy is so dense in his dreams that he doesn't even notice that
it's impossible to have the same cock buried deep inside a supermodel and
inside a hungry pair of lips belonging to another woman! I could have been
chewing gum while I was sucking his cock in his dream, and he wouldn't have
even noticed!
Anyway, I was giving him head while he told this story; and for a moment
there I felt the urge to bite his cock off, because it was obvious to me that
I was the second woman in his dream. He had been having a wet dream about
one of his calendar playmates that night; and when I joined him in bed, his
subconscious had simply added me to his dream. Back in real life, he shot a
geyser all over my face while he told me this story; and while I licked his
cock clean he asked me what was the matter. I tried to explain to him that
he had achieved my goal of having wildly happy, guilt-free sex during a
dream, and that I had contributed to his project without realizing it. He
asked me if I had enjoyed the lovemaking of the night before, and I said yes.
He asked me if he should feel guilty about having sex with someone else
during a dream, and I said of course not. But then I tried to explain to him
about the earlier parts of this review, and he said this was all interesting
but he would prefer that I simply get started with my own story.
Well, what was I to do? My ambition in life is to have a dream like his, but
my conscience keeps this from happening. My dreams have been boring compared
to his. Fortunately, my conscience does not keep me from lying for a good
cause. I simply modified "Straight Sex" just a little bit as I described
some of those events to him, and in no time at all I was having fully
conscious consensual sex with the man of my dreams.
Third Note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Gangbang" by DG (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10
"The Blowjob" by Dimitri (sitcom parody) 9, 9, 9
"BeachSlut" by Suzie SleaZe (beach slut) 9, 10, 10
"Maverick" by Shelby Bush (TV parody) 10, 10, 10
"Dad's Going to Kill Us" by Cobalt Jade (teen sex with
crazy artist) 10, 10, 10
"Midnight Intruder" by Dafney DeWitt (cliffhangers)
9.5, 10, 10
"Dear Mr. Johnson" by Rebecca (sex with the pool man)
10, 9, 9
"Miss You" by Dulcinea (masturbation) 10, 8, 10
"Nylon Toes" by Dulcinea (foot fetish) 10, 9, 9
* "Sondra's Day" by Pete Ferrer (romance) 8, 10, 10
* "Dorothy Does Oz" by Shelby Bush (movie parody)
10, 10, 10
* "The Dare" by Michael K. Smith (emerging adolescence)
10, 10, 10
* "Discovery" by Michael K. Smith (romance) 10, 10, 10
* "In/Out Law" by Michael K. Smith (romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Neighbors" by Michael K. Smith (romance & emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
* "Philly" by Michael K. Smith (romance & emerging
adolescence) 10, 10, 10
* "Road Trip" by Michael K. Smith (romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Seduction" by Michael K. Smith (infidelity)
10, 10, 10
* "Dyad" by Michael K. Smith (emerging adolescence)
10, 10, 10
* "Trinity Trilogy Novel" by Tom Trinity (hedonistic
relationships) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has
recently been reposted)
"The Gangbang" by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com). Elaine Benes comes into the
apartment and drops an enormous gym bag on the floor with a loud thump. She
is wearing a tight spandex leotard under a pair of running shorts, and her
long brown hair is pulled back by a sweatband. Sweat evaporating from her
leotard has caused localized cooling, and her nipples are poking through the
spandex. Of course, this is an episode from Seinfeld; and Jerry and George
have been commiserating about not getting laid lately. By incredible
coincidence, Elaine is horny too: she hasn't gotten laid since Fred joined
the cult. They decide on a plan that involves some sort of mutual reciprocal
alleviation of needs; but lo and behold, Cosmo Kramer bursts into the room,
thus stretching the limits of the proposed threesome. It's like sharing a
taxi - there's not neceesarily always room for one more. Then Kramer has the
inspiration to invite Newman to join the fun. It seems that Newman has a
reputation as a cocksman at Harvard or someplace and has starred in adult
movies back in the 80's. Four guys! How do you do four guys at once?
Somebody will have to sit in the front seat of the cab.
When it all gets started, Elaine knows what a car would feel like going
through one of those deluxe hand washes where the attendants swarm all over
it with their hoses, sponges, and soft rags. It's hard for a working girl to
concentrate on her work under a constant barrage of metaphors and innuendoes
like that. I practically came on the windshield wiper several times.
Ratings for "The Gangbang"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Blowjob" by Dimitri (dimitri@ihug.co.nz). If a woman offers to give a
guy a blowjob, should he give her one first? It's a question like this that
can supply the basic premise for a Seinfeld sitcom. Elaine, of course, says
yes; and George and Jerry DO yes, with varying yet similar results. This is
more a humor story than a sex story, but it is still a very enjoyable
extension of the Seinfeld TV series.
As I have said before, the nice thing about sitcom parodies is that the
characters already exist in the minds of readers who are familiar with the
sitcoms. In both this and the previous story I could easily imagine Jerry
and his dysfunctional friends engaging in these activities.
Ratings for "The Blowjob"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"BeachSlut" by Suzie SleaZe (101445.2670@CompuServe.COM). This is the best
writing I have ever seen by Ms. SleaZe. She says this story has been
UpDated, UpGraded, UpCocked, UpSucked and UpSpunked.
What this author has accomplished here is actually quite difficult. She is
trying to present to the reader the exuberant sexual memoirs of a total slut;
and young ladies of that ilk, of course, have no time for such academic
trivialities as grammar and style. Such people are the stuff of dreams for
horny guys who would like to find a playmate like this - and of horny women
who would like to believe they could be like this if they let their hair down
for a little while.
I get comments every once in a while that grammar doesn't really matter. The
trouble is that clear expression DOES matter, and it's hard to be clear if
you're not being clear - I hope I am being clear here. Anyway, it's really
difficult to write like a dumb slut in such a way that the reader will think
that he or she is encountering a really sexy dumb slut. Most writers that
try to do this come across as really confused writers whose stories are not
worth the trouble to read.
If there are any teenagers reading this review, I encourage you to keep Suzie
in your dreams. The activities described in this story would be a very bad
idea in real life - but a very NICE bad idea!
Ratings for "BeachSlut"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Maverick" by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com). Bret and Bart Maverick have
gone east, where they happen to be in Louisville for the first running of the
Kentucky Derby. As is his custom, Bret has developed a quick romance with a
young lady: and as is HIS custom, Bart has stumbled upon the situation in
time to help his brother get into and out of trouble. However, this time the
details are a little different than in an ordinary Maverick episode. Bret's
lovely lady is a hooker, and the focus of the episode is to set up her pimp
for a sting that will enable all the girls in his stable to gain their
independence from his harsh rule. The sex is not described in great detail,
but it enlivens the episodes and is compatible with the original Maverick
story line. The only flaws I found in this story were a few instances where
the author got the names of the characters confused; for example, once Keno
was talking to Keno, and another time a character named Carol suddenly
appeared out of nowhere. I call this a parody, but it's really more of a
pastiche - that is, the author is not making fun of the original story (as in
a parody), but is rather exploring the possibilities of what would occur if a
few basic assumptions or limitations were changed.
Ratings for "Maverick"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Dad's Going to Kill Us" by Cobalt Jade (CobaltJade@aol.com). Tyler Smith is
a slightly deranged starving artist in the Seattle area. Professor Turner, a
musician, has purchased some paintings from her and has commissioned her to
do another for him. Tyler has developed an immediate attraction to the
Professor's 18-year-old son Reed and probably to his 16-year-old son Brent as
well. Her own age of 32 is not a serious impediment; she feels she can deal
with the younger generation. She invites Reed back to her garret to view her
etchings or whatever, and there she reveals herself to be a rather kinky
critter.
Of course, even the children of Carter-era liberals have seen dozens of
movies about sex-starved older women seducing sex-starved young men, and they
have fantasized about how suave and debonair they would act it if happened to
them. But one never knows what will happen when the femme fatal lures one
(or two, for that matter) into the bedroom on the pretense of letting one
study the nude paintings on the wall and then plies one with absinthe, while
she's adorned in a purple pushup bra and high-cut thong panties, even though
she's also wearing a thigh-length black silk robe for modesty's sake. Ah,
modesty - we all know the feeling!
When Reed balks, Tyler says, "Stop complaining, and I'll give you a tongue
job." His reply is straight out of Hamlet or perhaps Thomas Hardy: "Oh, all
right." And so it goes. When he declines the handcuffs, she obliges him
with equally effective high-quality duct tape, and he becomes somewhat less
articulate: "Tyler...uh...ah...."
This was not exactly a sexy story to me. By that I mean it didn't get me
sexually aroused; I did not find it thrilling to imagine myself being a
fundamentally crazy middle-aged woman playing bondage and piercing games with
a couple of innocent teenage boys. That is, were I to have sexual fantasies
about my students, my imagination would have me doing something other than
getting them drunk and snapping grunge jewelry onto their bodies. On the
other hand, I did find this to be a thoroughly interesting story.
Ratings for "Dad's Going to Kill Us"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Midnight Intruder" by Dafney DeWitt (dafneydewitt@juno.com). The author says
that this posting was never intended to be a story. It was created as a
writing exercise to develop cliff-hanger endings. Will the heroine escape
her fate? Will she unravel the mystery? I'm glad the author mentioned this
in his disclaimer, because as a story this is imperfect, but as a series of
cliffhangers it's great.
The plot is built around the experiences of a woman who goes to visit an old
friend. She is attracted to the adolescent twins, but this attraction is
interrupted first by the sounds of lovemaking in the adjacent bedroom and
then by the presence of an intruder who seems to be preoccupied either with
raping her or wreaking havoc with the large ax he wields so effectively.
Each chapter ends with an unresolved action (cliffhanger) built around a
different type of (often kinky) sex. It's a lot of fun!
Ratings for "Midnight Intruder"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Dear Mr. Johnson" by Rebecca (Rebecca012@aol.com). This story, listed as
"Erotic Story -- My First Post", is written in the form of a letter of
recommendation to nominate Tony the pool man for Employee of the Month. It
seems that Tony services the writer of the letter almost as well as he
services the pool - or vice versa. This author writes well. I hope we see
more stories from her.
Ratings for "Dear Mr. Johnson"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Miss You" by Dulcinea (ImDulcinea@aol.com). The lady misses her husband,
who has been away on a business trip. She is masturbating in the shower,
fantasizing about his return the next day. Suddenly, he returns unexpectedly
and finishes the job for her. This is not really a complete story, but it's
a very sexy snippet. Actually, the only time my husband pulled a stunt like
this on me in real life, he scared the bejesus out of me, and I made him
promise never to do it again.
Ratings for "Miss You"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Nylon Toes" by Dulcinea (ImDulcinea@aol.com). The guy hates to go shopping
with his wife; but since he has a bit of a foot fetish, she finds a creative
way to make the trip to the shoe store enjoyable.
Ratings for "Nylon Toes"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Sondra's Day" by Pete Ferrer (Ferrer@msn.com). It's her birthday, and
29-year-old Sondra feels an emptiness in her life. Her husband is asleep in
the next room. Although their son is spending the night with grandma, the
couple has decided to celebrate the birthday on the weekend instead of today.
In addition, Sondra feels a mixture of longing and guilt; in spite of her
continued love for her husband, she has been having an affair with a coworker
for the past eight months, and she can't help thinking about him. Her
husband wakes up, comes into the room, and kisses her; and suddenly there's a
knock at the door. It's her lover; and he and the husband combine to give her
the sexual evening of her lifetime. Even though I have told you perhaps too
much of the plot, I think you'll enjoy the story. I know I did, even though
I guessed the ending about a quarter of the way into the story.
As an aside, I might note that I think this story achieves the egalitarian
impact that the author of "Klanwoman" missed. In this story the wife and
husband are white and the lover black, but racial stereotypes play no role in
the story. They're all three good people trying to make one another happy.
This is one of those stories that I would really like to act out in real life
- but which I really wouldn't want to act out in real life. That last
sentence is as contradictory as I can make it, and it expresses my feelings
exactly. This is a really, really hot fantasy for me; and if I were 100%
certain I could act it out in real life without doing anybody any harm, I
would go for it. However, I know that's impossible - the actual activity
would require fundamental changes in my relationship with my husband and
would involve someone else in a possibly unfortunate way; and so I am simply
grateful for this excellent fantasy. I guess I don't know what I'm missing,
but I do know and appreciate what I have. And a story like this enables me
to have a little bit of what I am missing.
This is already a good story, but the author prefaced his story with a
request for feedback. Here is what I think it needs to become a great story:
(1) Get rid of the long paragraphs. I myself often write excessively long
paragraphs in my first drafts. During the revision process I often break a
single paragraph down into three or four separate paragraphs. (For example,
this list of four suggestions was originally a single paragraph. By breaking
it into several paragraphs, I have made it easier to digest and less
intimidating to readers.) Readers are simply not willing to read fifty
paragraphs in a row that are each at least thirty lines long. My suggested
use of multiple paragraphs may make it necessary to use some additional
strategy such as asterisks (****) or chapters to indicate a break between
major ideas.
(2) Before posting the story, go through it one last time and look for
grammar and punctuation errors. This story contains numerous errors that are
just plain unnecessary but still distracting. It would be especially nice to
make all the verb tenses logically consistent.
(3) At places the author should consider going a little heavier on action and
less on introspection. The reformatting that I suggested in (1) will help
solve this problem. Long paragraphs are often perceived as more
introspective and less action-oriented than short ones.
(4) Consider rearranging events to build anticipation or to keep the reader
from guessing the ending. I myself easily guessed the ending. The author
followed a mostly chronological presentation of events. Maybe some other
strategy using flashbacks would work better.
As I said, this is already a very good story. In truth, I'm actually
slightly *glad* that the author had some flaws in the story. I had already
compiled my Top 15 List for March before I read this story. It was hard
enough to get that list down to fifteen stories, and if I would have had to
add this one, I would have had to bump another exceptionally good story from
my list.
Ratings for "Sondra's Day"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Dorothy Does Oz" by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com). In the early paragraphs
of this story we meet Dorothy, a smart-assed farm girl about to celebrate her
18th birthday, and Toto, the cute little dog that specializes in licking
Dorothy's clit. The farm hands are planning to give Dorothy a sexual treat
on her birthday. Since the tornado arrives while Dorothy is masturbating,
she initially confuses it with a really good orgasm. Dorothy's house is
swept up by the tornado and lands on the Wicked Witch of the East, who had
been prohibiting the Munchkins from any pleasures - including you know what.
After spending some time in the ensuing orgy, Dorothy starts on her trek
along the yellow brick road, where she meets and attempts sex with the
Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Lion - among others.
After some adventures and other preliminaries, they meet the Wizard, who
promises to grant their every wish; but first - and here's the kicker - they
must bring him the dildo of the Wicked Witch of the West. I don't want to
ruin the story; if you've seen the movie, you'll be able to guess major parts
of the plot anyway. All I'll say is that the story ends with Dorothy waking
up in her old bedroom as the three hired hands enter the room, all naked and
their erect cocks in their hands. "Happy birthday," they shout in unison; and
Dorothy exclaims, "There IS no place like home!"
Ratings for "Dorothy Does Oz"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Dare" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@taproot.win.net). Sixteen-year-old
Katie had defied the school dress standards and had gotten away with it. She
had read the Rule Book, and it said nothing about how much leg a girl can
show. It only stated the minimum length of the skirt itself. Since Katie
was tall, a skirt of the requisite length showed a lot of leg and a bit of
ass; and she enjoyed the opportunity to shock and arouse the boys and
teachers.
Having had her fun, Katie mentioned to her friends that the Rule Book also
failed to state that it was necessary to wear underwear. So she formally
dared her friends to join her in a No Underwear Day. For complex
sociological reasons no one in the immediate peer group had declined a dare
in the six years since the Rules of the Dare had been formalized, and so No
Underwear Day was formally scheduled.
When the Day comes, Katie is unwilling to just Do It; she must also Take
Risks. Escalation Station! The other girls begin to take risks too. An
interesting story!
Realism check: when the narrator gives head to the guy in the Journalism
lab, she sucks him deep into her mouth and swallows his cum. She says she
does this in imitation of what she saw in an X-rated movie. Right! The one
thing I have noted about X-rated movies is that nobody ever comes inside
anyone. The actors always shoot their jism all over the face, the buttocks,
or the breasts of their partner - apparently because viewers would be unable
to see this wonderful sight if the penis were buried deep inside an
appropriate receptacle. Katie and her friends might have learned some
interesting things from that movie, but swallowing male ejaculate would not
have been one of them.
Ratings for "The Dare"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Discovery" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com). The guy works in the
library reference area, and an attractive girl whom he would like to meet
accidentally drops her purse on the floor. Instead of picking it up for her,
he waits for her to leave and then retrieves the purse. He checks its
contents. What will he do? If this were a Parker story, he would try to use
the information obtained from the purse to stalk its owner and make her into
his sexual slave. However, Parker is a complex author; and so the guy might
wind up becoming HER sexual slave.
If the author were either SueNH or Ann Douglas, the guy would return the
purse but would first look in the window of her house or apartment and
discover her making love to her female roommate. He would probably knock on
the door, and the purse's owner would recognize him as the author of several
of her favorite stories on a prominent Internet newsgroup and would invite
him to join the festivities. The sex would be explicitly described and
wildly erotic, but nothing much kinkier than three-way sex.
If the author were Backrub or one of the Ng sisters, the range of
possibilities would expand rapidly, depending on the mood of the author. The
guy might find Tammy's diary in the purse, read it, and insert himself into
her love life. The purse would almost certainly contain at least one dildo
and probably several other sextoys. {Indeed, if this were a story by May
Anne Mohanraj, the story might be told from the perspective of the dildo.}
The woman to whom the guy returns the purse might be a vampire. Almost
certainly there would be passionate heterosexual activity, and it is not
particularly likely that the guy would die during the ensuing action.
If Wollstonecraft wrote the story, the guy would return the purse; but the
woman would be either a nun or a member of a coven of witches. They would be
hostile to him, until he offered to impregnate them all during a wild orgy,
at which time they would become submissive but passionate. It is very
possible that somebody might die during the ensuing orgies.
If Mark Aster were the author, the girl would be Pat Allen, the lovely and
vivacious older sister of the equally lovely and vivacious Julie Allen. When
he returned the purse, the guy would find its owner making tender love to her
sister and to an extremely sexy stud in a metaphorically rich environment.
They would invite him to join the festivities, and the author would
choreograph his orgasm to coincide emphatically with those of the Three
Amigos.
If Joe Parsons wrote this story, the guy would call the girl and have a
really nice, erotic conversation with her. It would be a truly delightful
conversation, but he would later receive a bill for $240.
If this were Stephanie's story, the girl would really be a guy who just
looked like a girl - actually, he would be both a guy and a girl. This would
be the first of ? parts to be posted over a period of 14 months. If this
were by Estragon, the plot would be similar to Stephanie's; but the number of
parts would keep changing. If it were by Vickie Tern, the plot would again
be similar, except that the girl would be a guy who had become a girl to
please a wife who really wanted a girlfriend with whom she could pick up men.
Also, the guy would be a hair stylist rather than a library assistant. In
addition, the story would have been revised three times since Vickie first
posted it yesterday.
If this were written by Shelby Bush, the story would be a parody of "Murphy
Brown." The guy would try to return the purse, but Murphy would be
interviewing Ralph Nader, with whom she is secretly in love but cannot get
off first base. I'm unclear on the specifics, but somehow during an early
part of the story Hillary Clinton would become involved in a menage a trois
with Murphy and Ralph, while the guy watched and masturbated with a defective
dildo, which Nader would eventually work into a class-action lawsuit. Later,
Dan Quayle would have trouble spelling the plural of dildo and would express
the opinion that he was glad he studied Latin in high school, in case he
wanted to have sex with a woman from Latin America. If this were an Uncle
Mike story, it would still be a parody of Murphy Brown; but the guy would be
a blind man whose dog would sodomize Murphy.
Of course, if this were Deirdre's story, the man would return the purse, only
to find its owner living in an old warehouse that she shared with seventeen
other women who spent most of their time nakedly worshipping a female dom who
fucked them anally with a large dildo shaped like a snake while their
husbands hung by their feet from meat hooks and sucked each other's cocks.
Although he would be the narrator of the story, the guy would never be seen
again.
If I wrote the story myself, the guy would return the purse to the woman, but
she would be a bit of a jerk. She would leave on a date with someone else,
but the guy would become attracted to her roommate - a socially mature,
intelligent person who would discuss world politics with him over a banana
split, which they would share. After dating for several months, he would
propose to her. They would engage in heavy petting, but they would not have
sexual intercourse until the night of their wedding, which would occur in a
beautiful church in the presence of their fully clothed friends. None of
their relatives (nor the priest) would have intercourse with either of them
on their wedding night, but the couple would see metaphorical fireworks as
they together explored the wonders of each other's bodies.
If Dirty Dawg wrote the story, the plot would be similar to mine, except that
the guy would first treat the girl badly, then realize ten years later what
he had missed and make it up to her during a whirlwind courtship climaxing in
tender, multiorgasmic sex. If Frank McCoy or The Bear were the author, the
plot would again be similar to mine, except that the girl would be much
younger - probably the guy's daughter. The Observer's plot would likewise be
similar to mine; but it would be spread out over about six different stories
and would have been edited by all the other authors mentioned in this review.
If this were a porn movie instead of a short story, the woman would be Tori
Wells, playing a character named either Eustacia Vye or Pussy Galore - both
of which names have amazingly appeared in the non-censored media (one more
amazingly than the other). The college kid would be played by a middle-aged
fat guy, perhaps Ron Jeremy. Ron would follow Tori when she left the
library, but we would never see her again - except on the jacket of the
videotape. Ron would go through a door into a cheap motel room with a
beautiful fireplace, where he would have oral sex with a listless woman named
Randi Cunt, who very well might be the inspiration for all those dumb blonde
jokes I see on rec.humor, while a Scandinavian guy with long blond hair and a
black guy with a monster cock did a double penetration on her. The actual
action would take about three minutes, but clever looping would consume
fifteen minutes, while Randi said clever things like, "I love your big cock"
and "Cum on my face." Indeed, all three men would cum externally, and Randi
would rub the cum or a mixture of flour and water all over her body while she
said things like "oooooo!~
I apologize to all the authors whose works I did not satirize in the previous
paragraphs - as well as to those whom I did mention. {Keep in mind that this
is a repost of a previous review, written before I even knew that Mike Hunt
and several other authors even existed.} The story's actual plot was quite
interesting and contained elements of several of my proposed story lines.
One of Smith's main strengths is his ability to write highly literate and
realistic stories from many different perspectives. I find him pleasantly
difficult to predict.
All I'll add about the plot is that I think it gives a nearly perfect
treatment of romantic interracial sex. As I've said before, I am a white
woman with a black brother-in-law whom I really enjoy knowing but who is not
reputed to have unusual sexual proclivities. I get tired of reading stories
that are labeled "interracial" in which black guys with "monster cocks"
service white women or white guys screw black "sluts." This story takes a
completely different (yet sexy and socially responsible) perspective on
interracial sex.
I think you'll enjoy reading this story. I certainly did.
Ratings for "Discovery"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"In/Out Law" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com). This is my kind of
short story. Actually, I have grown to enjoy stories that include more
unusual forms of sexual activity; but this story describes the simpler kinds
of events that I like to imagine happening in my own life or in the lives of
my friends. Tom has been married and divorced, and during this story his
sister-in-law tells Tom that his brother has been cheating on her. Instead
of fucking her brains out right then and there, he tries to help her solve
the problem and then makes gentle love to her. Instead of having sex with
the children, he converses with them and helps them do well in school and
adjust to the problems of their life. Instead of suggesting a sex-change
operation, torturing the husband and his lover, proposing a threesome or
foursome, or resorting to mind control, he marries the lady; and they live
happily ever after. The author even makes all this boring stuff sound
interesting and romantic.
Ratings for "In/Out Law"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Neighbors" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com). Mike lusts after
Carol from afar - from the house next door, that is. He's divorced, and she
has recently thrown her husband out; and he's beginning to notice more and
more how attractive she is. One day he finds an excuse to give her a foot
rub. {Now, you have to understand that for some of us foot rubs are a form
of either masturbation or foreplay.} He behaves like a perfect gentleman.
Mike and Carol kiss and neck passionately sans enfuckment and are having a
good ole time - when Carol's 15-year-old daughter comes home early and walks
in on them unexpectedly.
I mention this anecdote with the daughter because it demonstrates the level
of sophistication of the story. It may be fun to fantasize about humping the
slutty next door neighbor or gang-banging the bus driver or inviting the
daughter to join in for a little incestuous menage a trois; but real life
sometimes diverges from fantasy. Adults - and especially parents - have to
be responsible as well as sexy. In this instance, Carol leaves Mike on the
couch, goes to her daughter's room to discuss the matter with her, and then
rejoins Mike for some more romance. Some readers may find this dull; but I
find this kind of stuff to be very hot - because it more closely resembles
things that I might do in what I would like to think is my own, mature,
responsible life.
Well, actually Carol lets Stephanie watch her making out with Mike. That
would go beyond my own limits; but I have to admit that I found it to be
extremely erotic. This is another very good story. I enjoyed it immensely.
Last week I criticized an author for the improper balance of details - too
much irrelevant and too little relevant detail. Smith does an excellent job
of supplying the right blend of details. At times he seems to be off the
subject; but he's really setting up the mood for what he wants us to notice
next. This story offers a good example of what I am talking about.
Ratings for "Neighbors"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Philly" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com). This is another story
rich in details and sentiment and permeated with hot sex. The man meets a
much younger girl in the jacuzzi at a hotel during a convention, where the
atmosphere is such that it is easy to have sex in the jacuzzi. She is a
virgin, and he gently introduces her to the mysteries of sex. That's about
it! Of course, you should read the story yourself; the author has about
7,500 more words that make this story well worth reading.
Ratings for "Philly"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Road Trip" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com). Paul is an
eighteen-year-old who is ferrying a car from Texas to Florida. He picks up a
hitchhiker named Paula, a girl about the same age who has just left home and
is drifting and looking for temporary jobs while she seeks her fortune as a
singer. Have you ever wondered where the guys in these stories get their
uncanny, precise estimates of girls' breast sizes? Well, Paul reads the tag
that says 34B on the bra she left in the bathroom. Paul behaves like a
perfect gentleman, even when he wakes up at 4:30 a.m. the first night with
blond hair (from her head) tickling his nose. To put it in terms familiar to
American presidents: he may have had lust in his heart, but he sniffed and
didn't inhale.
When she thanks him for not trying anything, he tells her that it was hard;
and she cuddles up with him, making it harder. Which reminds me of one of
the first dirty jokes I actually tried to tell when I was much younger. I
had heard it from some older kids. "How does Jackie find Onasis in the
dark?" "I don't know." "It's not difficult!" "<hah! hah! hah - nervously,
because she didn't want to admit that she didn't get it either>" Now I get
it! Aristotle was old and his cock was limp; and "difficult" isn't always a
good synonym for "hard."
Anyway, they break the ice on the second evening. Mouths and hands only; but
it is still the best shower of his life to that point - and the story is not
over yet. Nuff said. Read the story yourself. It's another good one.
Ratings for "Road Trip"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Seduction" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com). Here are two simple
rules of thumb, applicable only to monogamous relationships and stated in
their most general form. The first is that happily married spouses should
not give or receive massages to or from scantily-clad in-laws who are staying
over while the other spouse is gone. The second is that if he or she breaks
the first rule, the spouse should terminate the massage as soon as the sexual
hardware kicks into gear. A corollary is that the spouse should not use
phrases like "Let me move this out of the way" in any of the above
circumstances.
This is a story about a man who breaks both of my rules while playing sexual
chicken with his sexy sister-in-law who is living with them while she finds
herself. There is another rule that applies to in-laws who are "finding
themselves," but I don't want to make this more complicated than it already
is. But once you've already broken all these rules, if the in-law asks,
"What are you doing to me?" I suppose "Nothing you don't secretly want me to
do" is about as good an answer as any.
Anyway, these people break all my rules and have a fine time doing it. This
is a sexy story!
Ratings for "Seduction"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Dyad" by Michael K. Smith (mksmith@metronet.com) Holy shit! Right here on
a.s.s. I found almost the exact words I had spoken barely a month ago to one
of my daughters: "Well, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but hardly
anyone these days actually marries the person they fall in love with when
they're fifteen." Only I said "she's" instead of "they're," which is
grammatically correct, and "sixteen" instead of "fifteen," which was
chronologically correct. Either my husband wrote this story or my daughter
did so, or my aphorism is actually common knowledge. I'll assume for now
that the latter is the case.
Since the author had my interest and my empathy, I became concerned when I
read, "I knew I could trust him. I always could. I used to wish I was his
age, that we had met in college or something. I would have married him in a
minute! Actually, I sometimes still wish that." My reaction was, please,
please don't go simple-minded and have the father fuck the little girl to
"help her regain her self confidence."
I breathed a sigh of relief as I read Dad's advice: "I just wanted to suggest
that you don't have to be in a hurry to find a replacement for Joshua. You
might want to just do things with your buddies for awhile or by yourself. Go
out on some ordinary, friendly-type dates with no strings attached. I suspect
you'll get interested in another special boy when you're ready for it." OK!
<high fives> A sensible father!
A little later the girl comes home from a date with a new guy - a date with
petting but without sex; and she unobservedly catches her mother and father
making love. This makes her horny, but she doesn't jump into bed with them.
OK! <more high fives> Normal people!
The story moved on to a father-daughter dinner at a restaurant, where she
talks to him about sex and love, and he responds sensitively. On the way
home she realizes she has made a decision to rid herself of her virginal
status before morning and she is going to do it with the one male in the
world whom she trusts absolutely - her father. I paused. Actually, this was
a realistic emotion. Lots of girls have similar feelings, and not many of
them are followed by "family fun." I hoped the author wouldn't take the
simplistic route and have the old man help his little girl "grow up" and live
happily ever after by jumping into with her.
Several paragraphs later, after she had first finished her homework, the
daughter put on her sexiest nightie and went downstairs to seduce Daddy while
they watched TV together. While the fantasy in the preceding paragraph is
extremely prevalent in families with non-asshole fathers, the actual attempt
at seduction is NOT all that common. I wasn't sure what was going to happen,
but I paused to wonder what my husband would do if our daughter made a move
on him. The kid was basically saying, "You're a wonderful man, and I love
you and want to share my first sexual experience with you." I would not
expect my husband to call his daughter a dirty pervert, but I would also
expect him to do something other than fuck her. I think he would probably
get a hard-on, but then he would gently but firmly push her away, thank her
for the wonderful compliment, and then have a heart-to-heart talk with her.
The talk would be designed to convince her that she is a good and wonderful
person who has a lot to offer to someone in her life but that HE would not be
that someone, even though he loved her and found her to be extremely
attractive, because he already had an exclusive sexual relationship with
someone else (c'est moi) and because the father-daughter relationship is
based on a different type of love. I would hope that he would be very
sensitive about how he expressed himself and that he would make sure he
didn't give her a feeling of being rejected. I would also hope that he would
discuss the matter with me later and that he would sublimate his sexual
passion by fucking my brains out.
Actually, I recall a song by Fred Rogers (of "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood"),
which is directed to a little boy who has told his mother that he's going to
marry her when he grows up. {Even in "normal" families, little boys are
likely to say this. They do so because they really like their mothers and/or
because they want to grow up to be like their fathers.} Mr. Rogers responds
in his eloquent song with neat lines like "I'm already married, already
married; married to your Dad" and assures the child that someday he may marry
someone like her. This kiddy song essentially says the same thing that I
said in the previous paragraph. You don't think.... No! Fred Rogers simply
cannot be posting stories under a false name on this newsgroup. By the way,
I think the song is on the same cassette as "You Can Never Go Down the
Drain." I miss Mr. Rogers and the Gang from Sesame Street!
Back to the story. I'm not going to tell you what the father and daughter do
in the story. The possibilities range from doing it my way to joining the
Incest Club to something in between. You'll have to read the story to see
what the author decided. Of course, you could try to guess the ending from
my ratings; but hey, I'm broadminded enough to give a high rating to a good
story that doesn't do things my way.
Ratings for "Dyad"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Trinity Trilogy Novel" by Tom Trinity (stbush@iglou.com). {Note: The
Trinity Trilogy Novel has been reposted on a.s.s.m. I can't repost all the
reviews in this issue, and so I am going to repost the review of the final
chapters. This review includes a summary evaluation of the entire series.}
As we near the end of the Trinity Trilogy Odyssey, I am willing to accept the
editor's assertion that it is true that a group of three woman and one man
could share each other's affections with one another and with outsiders and
joyfully fuck their mutual brains out without any difficulties arising from
possessiveness or jealousy. I am also willing to accept the notion that the
daughter of this unorthodox but happy relationship would be sound asleep or
fortuitously absent often enough for these good times to take place without
causing unseemly scandal to her. Where I encountered problems was with the
following conversation between Tom and Jennifer:
"Daddy, may I ask you something?"
"Of course, Sugar."
"Is there REALLY a Santa Claus?"
I glanced over at her and smiled. I recalled some of the elaborate ploys we
had used in the past. Among the four of us, we had generally reinforced
Jennifer's belief in Santa.
"Sugar, of course Santa's real."
"But the kids at school..."
"Never mind the kids at school. You've read the stories, what do you think?"
She frowned in thought, then her eyes sparkled. "I think that it's magic.
If you believe in magic, it works. If you don't, it doesn't work."
"I think you've got it exactly right, Sugar. If you believe in Santa, he's
real. Those kids who don't believe -- their parents have to buy all their
Christmas gifts."
"Does Santa buy Christmas gifts?"
"Sometimes. If the elves can't make them. There are copyright problems,
sometimes."
She laughed. She turned the volume back up on the tape player, and sang
along with Karen Carpenter.
"Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near..."
* * *
I know what you're thinking - What kind of parent would let his child listen
to Karen Carpenter in 1994? But that's not my problem. Unless I have
miscounted, Jennifer is 13 years old - and she still believes in Santa Claus?
I don't think even the direct and legitimate offspring of Mr. and Mrs. Claus
themselves believe in Santa at that age! Since this is a sex story, not a
Christmas story, I'll let it slide. But that bit of unreality just before
the First Orgy in Pittsburgh certainly disrupted my ambiance.
Speaking of Pittsburgh - if you ever get to that city, go up the incline
across from the stadium at the confluence of the Three Rivers. There are
some great restaurants up there; and if you look around you might find a nice
hotel with a balcony on which my husband and I discovered that Pittsburgh's
reputation as an over-industrialized, unromantic place is just plain
inaccurate.
This first half of this final segment is heavy on sentiment - Christmas with
the Trilogy and things like that. For one interesting Christmas present Tom
receives issues of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler with the girls dubbed in
as centerfolds. I have a truth-is-better-than-fiction story related to that
present. A few weeks ago our volleyball team gathered at a pizza place after
our game. One of the other ladies somehow managed to get the conversation
around to Bruce Willis, and I commented that he "wasn't my type of guy." She
quickly reached into her purse, pulled out a color photograph, flung it on
the table in front of us, and snarled, "Then how do you explain this?" There
I was, stark naked, doing the wild thing with Bruce Willis! I assure you
that Bruce and I have never met. My friend is a computer graphics genius.
She had simply obtained a picture of me, a picture of Willis from People or
some such magazine, and a picture of a couple making the sign of the
eight-legged aardvark from a porn magazine. Then she scanned all three,
combined them, and touched them up. After seeing that picture, I no longer
understand how photographs can be accepted as evidence in courts of law! I
was lucky. I had been scheduled to have Dennis Rodman for my partner, but
his body art was "too much trouble" to work with. One of my teammates was
"photographed" doing it with Jenny McCarthy.
The final half of this segment goes into interesting but largely non-sexy
details that attempt to bring closure to the story. However, the story
doesn't really end. I get the impression that there may be more yet to come.
A summative comment on the entire series seems to be in order. The
outstanding characteristic of this series is that the stories are optimistic
about life and about sexual activities. The people in this series have fun,
and nobody gets hurt by their sexual adventures. The author and editor are a
bit preoccupied with asserting that these stories are authentic - that these
events really happened to real people. I really don't care. The stories
come across to me as optimistically realistic, and I like that.
I have a value system that tells me I should lead my life a little
differently than these people do. I get the feeling that these people would
tell me that's fine with them: they would go to sci-fi conventions and fuck
their brains out, and I could sit at my computer and read about their
escapades and review their stories and we could all be friends. It was a
pleasure to read and review this high-quality series of stories.
Ratings for "Trinity Trilogy Novel"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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