Message-ID: <6607eli$9712202037@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Archived-At: <URL:http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/6607.txt>
From: Celeste801 <Celeste801@aol.com>
Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 244 - Dec 20
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Content-type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
Path: qz!not-for-mail
Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam
Approved: <usenet-approval@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded <story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Story-Submission: <story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us>
X-Original-Message-ID: <a458a19e.349c507e@aol.com>
X-Is-Review: yes
Celestial Reviews 244 - December 20, 1997 - Christmas Special
Note: In this issue I posting reviews of every Christmas story I know about,
EXCEPT those which have been reviewed as part of the Celestial Christmas Story
Contest in the past few issues. If I missed any stories, please send them to
me. The next regular issue of Celestial Reviews will be December 24, and then
I'll take a Christmas break until January 3.
Second note: Not all the stories reviewed here are good ones. I reviewed any
story that seemed to have a Christmas theme. To save you some time, here's a
list of my Top 12 Christmas Stories. I am excluding those entered in my
Celestial Christmas Story Contest. Some of those may be even better; but if I
included them in this list, that would ruin the surprise of the dramatic
announcement of the winner on January 3 at half-time of the Down Under Bowl.
1. "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance)
2. "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!)
3. "Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy)
4. "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies)
5. "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time)
6. "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa)
7. "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider
8. "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion)
9. "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor)
10. "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various
orgies, etc.)
11. "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender)
12. "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas
tree)
13. "Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex)
You can send one story to a loved one for each day of Christmas. Number 13 is
a bonus - even if it is a bit of a stretch.
Third note: Keep in mind the Celestial Christmas Story Contest. The only rule
is that your entry has to be a new story about Christmas or a related holiday
theme. I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely - a Druid orgy at
Stonehenge during the winter solstice or group sex at half-time on a Rose Bowl
float would qualify. Entries can still be posted as soon as they are written,
and I'll review them as soon as I receive them. Winners will be announced on
or around January 2. If you want to try to influence my judgment, send me
your comments about the stories when you read them.
I had hoped to post reviews of all the Contest entries I have received, but
they are still coming in, and so I'll have to save at least a few reviews for
the December 24 issue. Here is a list of all the Contest stories I have
reviewed so far:
"Fantasies" by BitSlinger
"Christmas Carole" by MrSpraycan
"Snowbound" by Ann Douglas
"The Curiosity Shop" by Sven the Elder
"Tongue and Cheek" by Hawk "Santa" Richards
"The Night Before Christmas" by M1KE HUNT
"My Xmas Threesome" by Patty Nickel
"Another Christmas Carol" by Unnamed Author
"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy
"Carole" by Kim
"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud
Here are the stories submitted for the Contest which I have not yet reviewed:
"Snow Flake" by DG
"Room with a View" by Mark Aster
"Seduction" by A Magician
"A Very Rejected Christmas" by OddManOut Anywhere
"Winter Solstice" by Raven M.
"Christmas Dinner" by Tom Bombadil
If you submitted a story and it is not on one of these lists, you should
contact me as soon as possible.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor)
10, 10, 10
"Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author (sex with stepsister)
9, 6, 7
"Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author (confusing TG shopping
trip) 6, 3, 1
"Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (bdsm & fantasy fulfillment)
10, 10, 10
"Office Christmas Party" by Remy (torture) 7, 4, 3
"Zucchini" by Frank McCoy (incest with a vegetable) 7, 8, 2
"Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash,
The New York Jacker (masturbation) 10, 10, 10
"Santa's Cumming" by Karen Flynn (illiterate TG fantasy)
4, 3, 1
Celestial Christmas Story Contest:
"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (romantic fantasy) 8, 7, 8
"Carole" by Kim (meaning of life) 9, 10, 10
"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (brother/sister romance)
9.5, 10, 10
Reposted Reviews:
* "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various
orgies, etc.) 10, 10, 10
* "Adult Christmas" by Abby (Santa orgy) 9, 10, 10
* "Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
* "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author (Christmas
orgy) 10, 9, 9
* "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 9, 10, 10
* "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas
tree) 10, 9, 10
* "Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (oral sex with Santa) 10, 9, 9
* "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10
* "Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy)
10, 10, 10
* "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender)
8, 10, 10
* "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 10, 10, 10
* "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion) 9, 10, 10
* "Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (teen gangbang) 5, 9, 8
* "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time)
10, 10, 10
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted)
"A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash. I'm a city girl. But that doesn't
mean I don't know about country livin'. I listen to country songs on the
radio, and they talk about lonely hearts, pickup trucks, unfaithful women,
hard-living men, and greyhound buses. They don't talk about Christmas ponies.
The young folks don't get much done 'cuz they're having too much fun in
grandma's feather bed or rolling in the hay with Farmer Johnson's daughters,
because there ain't nothin' wrong with their radios. The men occasionally
leave their women at home while they pursue a Holy Grail called the damned ole
rodeo. The women are often tigers in their tight-fitting jeans who are
looking for love in all the wrong places down at the honky tonk. But none of
them concern themselves with Christmas ponies.
If country folks really DID have Christmas ponies, I'd know about. Pam Tillis
would have mentioned it in her ballad about her crazy life. Believe me: those
songs are straightforward. They sing about partying with Jose Cuervo and
waking up in someone else's clothes; about living in two-story (not storey)
houses; about little lovin' lies; and about two-timing bastards. One of my
favorites is a ditty by the Stattler Brothers about "My Bed of Roses" -
actually a pun on Rose's Bed - in which a teenager describes how he learned
all the things a man should know from a woman not approved of I suppose, whom
the church-going folks in town wouldn't even talk to. A Christmas pony
wouldn't even be a stretch for country singers, who invented the term Dolly
Parton and have been known to name their male children Sue.
No, there is no such thing as a Christmas pony. But heck, there's no such
thing as Santa either. And Rudolph doesn't really have a nose that glows.
Nor does frosty go thmpity thump thump before he comes each winter. And so a
story about a Christmas pony is not out of order.
Viewed from the proper perspective, this story is a real laugher. The basic
plot is that Santa brings a Christmas pony down the chimney; and while Mom,
Dad, Billy Bob, and Sis look on and plot their future activities, Santa has
sex with the pony right there in front of the Christmas tree and fireplace.
This obviates the need for egg nog! And as Billy Bob (actually Jimmy) says to
his father: "And you and Mom won't allow Amy or me to have human sex until
we're eighteen. I fully understand your reasons why. So that's when I came
up with the idea of having sex with animals. I can learn about sex, have a
great time at it, and won't get some girl pregnant."
Which reminds me: What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off.
What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk....?"
Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off at the top of the stairs.
Ratings for "A Christmas Pony"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author. Dan is not exactly excited about the
prospects of a boring visit to his family to exchange Christmas presents.
After all, they're just a bunch of step-siblings; and he has never felt very
close to them. But wait! Ami has grown up, and now he's happy to feel very
close to her indeed. As the narrator puts it, her topography (not
typography!) has improved. A good time is had by both.
Ratings for "Home for Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7
"Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author. John goes shopping for Christmas, and
he buys a sexy dress as a special present for himself. In the parking lot he
gets almost run over by a car, and during the time between the time he first
sees the car and the time when he is helped to his feet, he hallucinates about
being a woman, having sex, getting pregnant, and having a baby. The story is
not even as good as the preceding confused sentence might make it seem. It
contains a huge number of annoying typographical (not topographical) errors -
mostly wrong words that make the story even more confusing than would seem
possible.
Ratings for "Joan for Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (msnider@mindspring.com). This story is
interesting for what doesn't happen as well as for what does occur. First,
the woman's bathrobe falls open in front of the bellboy, but she doesn't fuck
him - she just adds him to her fantasy repertoire. The very next paragraph
refers to a hand job, but the term refers to the fact that the package the
bellboy brought is hand-wrapped.
Now, on to what DOES happen. The woman is alone with Jose Cuervo at a resort
at which her husband will join her in two days. {Jose Cuervo is a brand name
of tequila. I know this because the name comes up often in country western
songs that often supply background music for my private orgies with my
husband. Hence, the phrase, "No way, Jose!"} The package contains a solstice
present from her husband - some basic bdsm material and an introductory note
from Marka, who will orchestrate her fantasy fulfillment. Well, you can take
it from there. Let me just say that things work out pretty well or everyone.
Ratings "Solstice Present"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Office Christmas Party" by Remy (dianthus@concentric.net). "You" are at your
boyfriend's office Christmas party. Since "you" are eventually tied spread
eagle to a desktop while several guys fuck your cunt, "you" are apparently a
female.
So if you are actually a guy, what the hell are you supposed to think while
you're reading this story? See, when I say you, I mean you - the person who
is reading these words. When this author says "you," he apparently means
"she" but wants to confuse "you" by asking you to pretend that you are she,
which makes no sense if you don't have a cunt that can be probed by all those
penises.
Even if you're a woman - say, perhaps moi (that's French for Yours Truly) -
the "you" makes no sense. I am not at all like this woman. I have watched
such women at parties and I might enjoy reading stories about them, but why
confuse the issue by insisting that she is me?
When you wrote this story, you should have said "she" instead of "you." The
previous sentence was silly, because you did not write this story, unless you
happen to be the author. Is there a lesson in this?
What this author probably did was write the story as a fantasy for someone
else - maybe a cyberlover with whom he wanted to share a sex fantasy or a
drinking partner sharing Jose Cuervo. She read it and said, "God! This makes
my pussy wet! I came fourteen times just reading it! You oughta publish this
shit!" And so he did, but he did not have the insight or courtesy to revise
it in order to enable a different audience to enjoy it.
Authors do this all the time. I don't understand it. Well, I do understand
it, but I think it sucks. If you want to write a story for an audience of
one, that's OK. But if you want to write the story for a general public, do
it right!
It is possible to write a "you" story. For example, we readers might view the
letters of one person to another or eavesdrop on their conversations. But
good "you" stories are unusual. They are difficult to write. My advice is to
write from the first (I) or third person (he/she) perspective, unless you have
a good reason to use the second person.
In addition to the second-person problem, the author uses a weird melange of
verb tenses to confuse the reader further. However, as I understand it, a
woman goes to an office party, gets drunk, sucks the monster cock of another
drunk, and enjoys this immensely. This has something to do with spite towards
her boyfriend, Jeremy - fuck the bastard! Then Jeremy catches her and
punishes her; but no matter: she has orgasms all the while he beats and abuses
her. Then he invites his friends to torture her, and one of them burns her
"right nibble" with a cigarette, which hurts like hell and leads to more
orgasms.
I guess this all makes sense. After all, if you believe, anything can be true
- isn't that what Miracle on 54th Street is all about?
Ratings "Office Christmas Party"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 4
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
"Zucchini" by Frank McCoy. Actually, this story is not by Frank McCoy. Frank
himself suspects it's by someone named Tammy, but Tammy says it's something
she picked up under the original title "The Christmas Present." Anyway, you
wouldn't spontaneously select this as a Christmas story, unless someone told
you about it.
The basic premise is that zucchini (I guess that's the plural) make excellent
natural dildos. They come in any size necessary to fit any vagina. All you
have to do is pick them when they reach the size you want. In fact, if you
slept in the garden, the damned things might grow inside you - but that would
be a different short story.In the summertime they grow almost as quickly as
some guys' cocks.
At the beginning of the story, the man sees his ten-year-old daughter fucking
herself with a zucchini. When he reports the episode to his wife (Mrs.
Potato-Head - no, I'm just kidding!), she tells him that he should go into the
little girl's room and have sex with her, in order to "save her from
masturbating with a stupid vegetable." The wife adds: "She'll never be able
to relate properly to a man, if all her early experience with sex is just some
frigid cucumber." This may sound stupid, but I had a friend who had a bunch
of baby ducks imprint on him. They followed him all over the place, quacking
outside his door late into the night. As the saying goes, "Like duck, like
cucumber"; and I suspect this can be extended to zucchini.
All this is interesting, you might say (or probably not), but what does it
have to do with Christmas? Well, I was just coming to that. Approximately
8.5 years after Daddy begins boinking his baby, during which time they have
constantly copulating like coaxial cables, Little Lynnie gives Daddy for
Christmas an unopened tampon and applicator. She doesn't need it anymore,
because she's pregnant with his son/grandson! Isn't that special?
So that's why there's an angel on top of the Christmas tree. I know that's a
non sequitur, but so is this entire story.
Ratings "Zucchini"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2
"Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash, The New York
Jacker (nyjaquer@smartec.com). This isn't really a Christmas story, but it
comes a lot closer than the previous attempt, if you'll pardon the pun. What
we have hear is some good, solid advice (or soiled advice, as my spellcheck
preferred) regarding how to masturbate during the Christmas season, as well as
at other times during the year.
I have secretly suspected that some of the people who frequent the a.s.s.*
newsgroups engage in what my eighth-grade nun mysteriously referred to as
"self-abuse" or "the solitary sin." I now believe that both of those terms
refer to excessive scrupulosity, and I find it refreshing to find a discussion
of techniques for stroking the one-eyed burping gecko. This article shows
that when a young man decides to take matters into his own hands or to
windsurf on Mount Baldy, he can do more than whack the weasel in order to
tenderize his tube steak before shooting putty at the moon.
Actually, there are four articles in this series. In addition to the one I am
reviewing, there are
2. Maxing Out Your Loads
3. Work out your COCK
4. Maxing out your jackoff
The articles are designed mostly for men, but women may also find them
stimulating. The information is slightly redundant, but some folks may want
to try this more than once. In other words, masturbation can be more than
sacrificing sperm to the goddess of lonely nights. These guidelines may help
you shake the paint loose the next time you polish your bayonet or pop your
clutch.
Maybe this "story" would qualify as "seasonal" because it could lead to some
New Years Resolutions.
Ratings "Edging All The Way
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Santa's Cumming!" by Karen Flynn (TGSTORIES@station1.com). This is an insipid
and illiterate story about a guy who wishes he was a girl. Santa comes down
the chimney and brings him a dress for Christmas. After some flashbacks -
surprise! The story doesn't end here; but we can go to a web site to get the
rest. Yeah, right.... And Santa doesn't cum either.
This is the sort of thing that happens when you promise to review any story
you can get your hands on that has something to do with Christmas.
Ratings "Edging All The Way
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1
"A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (padiday@hotmail.com). The only reason this is
a "Christmas story" is because the eponymous letter is dated December 18.
Give it another date, and you have an Easter story, a Mother's Day story, or
even a Guy Fawkes Day story. But the rules for the contest do say that "I'll
interpret this seasonal theme loosely," and so the story is certainly eligible
for consideration.
This is really a "you" story, like the previously-reviewed Christmas Office
Party story. The "you" perspective makes slightly more sense in this one,
because it is a letter addressed to somebody else. However, I still had
trouble getting into the mood of the story, because it seemed to be written
for an audience that did not include me - as if the author had a story ready
to post, saw a Christmas story contest, and then adapted this story to that
purpose by simply inserting a date and saying, "I'll be thinking of you at
Christmas." Imagine that.
Given the preceding constraints, this is a pretty good story. It's a fantasy
about what a bloke would like to do to his babe down under - I mean in
Australia. Actually, the man is in Australia, but the fantasy takes place in
exotic India. It's a pretty good fantasy.
Ratings "A Letter to my Babe"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Carole" by Kim (Ghost@nym.alias.net). Why is Kim leaving the bar with her
panties in her pocket, and what does this have to do with Christmas? Well,
it's because she had been thinking about her present (meaning now, not a gift)
and then somebody was kind enough to show her a possible future. In short,
she has met Carole, who had put the scroo in Scrooge.
The sex in this story isn't actively sexy, but it's still an important part of
a very good story. Kim weaves together several separate, vivid incidents into
a good slice-of-life plot. Kim doesn't start this story with a claim that it
is "true"; and I seriously doubt that these things really happened to her
exactly as she describes them. Nevertheless, this story has a ring of
authenticity to it that is often missing in stories on this newsgroup.
The only problem - and it's really a minor one - is that Kim should have
consulted her proofreader before going to press with this story. Another 24
hours and one more set of revisions could have made this an even better story.
Ratings "Carole"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Sam's life sucks. In
the bad sense. One of the reasons his life sucks is that his girlfriend
doesn't. In the good sense. That is, it sucks bad that she doesn't suck
good. But no matter. He breaks up with her and plans a Christmas visit to
his long-lost sister Miriam in California.
It turns out that Miriam has become wealthy, and Sam arrives just in time for
the lavish Christmas bash at her house. Miriam has given her friends and
associates the impression that Sam is a friend rather than her brother, and -
can you see where this is going yet? Right - adult incest sans social stigma.
When the brother and sister get going, the sex is both tender and hot; and the
author blends all of this with personality development that doesn't hinder the
action at all. This is an excellent story.
Ratings "Destiny Manifested"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (Jaybos@cris.com). Bobby is
lonely and depressed, because he has to wait around to take his last exam
after all his college friends have gone home for Christmas break. Readers of
this story don't suffer, however, because Bobby spends his time rehashing a
sexy scene from earlier in the school year. When he finally catches his plane
and goes home, he is met at the airport by his sensual mother and sexy sister
- or maybe it's vice versa. Then things rapidly become more and more
interesting.
I chose this story because its title had a Christmas theme, and 'tis the
season. Actually, it's not all that seasonal. True, Heather gives Bobby a
simple blowjob rather than a complete enfuckment because she has already gone
to confession and doesn't want to have to go again before going to communion
on Christmas; but I think that's theologically ambiguous at best. {Heather
must have had different nuns than I did.} But when Laurie boinks the boss at
the office while she's still full of her husband's cum from the wake-up call -
well, that could have been opening day of baseball season as well as a few
days before Christmas. On the other hand, the wild session with Stan the Man
in the station wagon did at least start at the office Christmas party; and the
drunken orgy that included Stan's little brother was really an extension of
what had started earlier.
Meanwhile, back at basketball practice, the lesbian coach has become attracted
by the combination of sexy innocence and sweet sluttiness exuded by Bobby's
14-year-old sister, Amanda. And then we find Bobby wondering if his sexy
mother is naked while he hears her grunting on the exercise machine in her
bedroom.
Certainly Sherri's big tits and the way she bangs the hell out of Robert at
the office don't qualify as a Christmas story. To be sure, Mr. Dawson is
deeply interested in the youth of his community; but since that's really just
a euphemism for liking his girls a little on the young side, it hardly
qualifies as a Christmas motif.
Ah, here's a connection: when Laurie is kneading the dough for the Christmas
cookies, she's really needing a couple of cocks. Then there's father
O'Sullivan - a kind of Bing Crosby or John Black {for you DOOL fans} with
raging hormones, leading the girls' choir in practicing carols. In his bed at
night, as he whips his hand up and down his turgid flesh, lost in lust and
guilt, his thoughts have often turned to doing indecent and indescribable
things to sweet Amanda Anderson. What would father O'Mally say about that?
Maybe I'm being too rough. After all, Mrs. Stone does say "Merry Christmas!"
to Bobby after she lures him away from the party and before she pulls a Mrs.
Robinson with him. And when Mrs. Stone's daughter catches them in the act,
Bobby and Mindy do go at it like reindeer in heat; and Bobby does explain his
absence from the party as "checking out the Christmas decorations."
Well, it all comes together when they exchange Christmas presents. And later
that night, after all the festivities, while Amanda is gently masturbating in
front of a glowing fire, visualizing in her mind's eye the special efforts she
had put in to get just the right presents, generally reviewing her year's
sexual exploits, looking up in the midst of an orgasm to see her big brother
looking down at her....
If the mother's name had been Carol, we would have a clear musical connection:
"Here we go a' caroling!" As it is, we'll just have to settle for that other
Christmas favorite:
"Yes, I need a little pussy,
"Right this very minute...."
This is very hot reading for a cold winter's night. It has some minor
stylistic flaws, but it's an excellent story.
Ratings for "Christmas with the Andersons"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Adult Christmas" by Abby (abbywife@aol.com). This is going to be a little
hard to explain: there IS a Santa Claus, but he comes only for selected
families when the woman turns 40 and the youngest child has stopped believing
in Santa. And he's not an old man; he's a virile 30-year-old with a wife that
gives great head to male and female alike. And that's not all; but you really
should read the story to find out about it for yourself. Don't let the
brevity of this review lead you to believe that this is a weak story. It's
really excellent!
Ratings for "Adult Christmas"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Faerie Tale I" by D-Singer. While I was looking for Christmas stories for
this issue, I came upon this THC repost - fairies, elves - close enough, I
thought. 'Twould be more appropriate for St. Patrick's Day, but a delightful
story this is. The lass who narrates the story has returned from America to
Ireland, where she goes skinny dipping in a bucolic wilderness stream and is
accosted by a brawny lad who mistakes her for a water nymph. Well, to meet a
nymph is good luck, but to have intercourse with one means death; but the
young man figures, "What a way to go!" They don't actually SLEEP together, so
I suppose the guy lived happily ever after.
Ratings for "Faerie Tale I"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (Kansica@aol.com). On a whim, the beautiful
blonde lady decides to have her picture taken with the mall's Santa Claus.
When he asks her what she wants for Christmas, she replies, "Well, mom thinks
I need a man. Could you bring me a gorgeous specimen of a man?"
{At a recent Christmas party, the Santa Claus asked my husband what he wanted.
He replied, "Can I have a copy of your list of naughty girls?" When Santa
demurred, my husband said, "OK. I'll settle for your list of NICE girls." I
think I'll keep him!}
When Santa asks her if she's been a good girl, she replies that she has been
quite slutty, and she feels his ears with dirty but delicious details. Of
course, she is sitting on his lap during this part of the narrative. Anyway,
Santa assures her that it's sometimes nice to be naughty and asks her to meet
him after work. It seems that Mrs. Claus no longer has much interest in
sexual activity other than missionary style once a month. Santa needs relief
from his hectic life, and he'd like Jennifer to help out. Mrs. Claus has no
objections, but she has insisted that Santa never have missionary-style sex
with another woman. {No wonder Santa laughs so much!} Santa is free to
engage in sexual intercourse in any other position, with the further
stipulation that he videotape each encounter to protect himself from being
sued or arrested for rape. Got your attention yet? Check this story out for
yourself!
Oh! I forgot to tell you - Santa is looking for the right woman to give to
his helpers as a reward for their good work throughout the holidays. They so
seldom have time to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh....
This is a VERY creative and stimulating story!
Ratings for "Santa's Cumming"
Athena (technical quality):9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author. This story was listed as
cbxmas.doc. If you want to find it on Deja News, I would suggest using
"alt.sex.stories Charlie Christmas." Charlie Brown, Sally, Linus, Snoopy -
the whole gang from Peanuts are more sexually active than we might think.
Indeed, Peppermint Patty and Marcie are lesbian lovers; Lucy has finally found
a better way to approach Schroeder while he plays the piano and tries to
ignore her; and Linus has tried to get some nooky from the little red-headed
girl, but she has been saving herself for Charlie Brown. Well, Charlie Brown
gets a special Christmas present, and a general orgy ensues. This was the best
Christmas ever!
This is a pretty good parody - or perhaps a pastiche - not quite as good as
most of those by Shelby Bush or Uncle Mike, but still pretty good. I was a
bit put off by all the urination - it just doesn't sound like all that much
fun to have somebody piss in my mouth; but other than that I enjoyed this
story.
Ratings for "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). Every year I try to
make love just one special time under the Christmas tree. So do the people in
this story. It's a very nice custom and a very nice story. As the song goes,
I saw Momma fucking Santa Clause
Underneath the Christmas tree last night....
Ratings for "Oh, Christmas Tree"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). This story is NOT about the
REAL Santa Claus. Jan and Tony have been working together at the Santa Shop
in the mall, and after the last evening of hard work Jan goes down on him and
invites him home for an wilder evening of elf sex.
Ratings for "Candy Cane"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.du.edu). It was almost exactly
six months ago that I reviewed "Forever," the first story in the Bob and
Jeanette Brennan saga. I astutely said it was a good story, expressed a wish
that the author would post more stories, and rated it 9.5, 9, 10. I was also
pleased as punch that I had recognized Uther Pendragon as the name of the king
who established the Round Table on Merlin's advice and who subsequently found
his true heir (King Arthur) through the ole sword-in-the-stone test.
Since that time, this author has not only reposted a revised version of that
story - cleaning up the imperfections and earning a 10, 10, 10 rating; he has
also posted six more stories in this series, in addition to a half dozen
unrelated stories. At the present time I am going to say that this is the
best story in the series; but I think that may be comparable to my daughter's
annual statement that "This is my best birthday ever!" which is invariably
followed a few months later by "This is the best Christmas ever!" What I mean
is that each successive story (a) is excellent itself and (b) makes the whole
series better. As I read this story I saw Bob and Jeanette in a completely
new setting, and I learned things about them that made sense, but which I had
not thought about before.
The present story is only indirectly about Bob and Jeanette. It's told
through the eyes of Bob's sister, Vi, a bright 16-year-old who wants to be a
psychoanalyst some day but who is at the present time overwhelmed with her own
problems with her boyfriend. The sexual activity is equally indirect: we
infer only what we can learn from Vi's descriptions of Bob and Jeanette, while
she listens in the room next door while her hot brother and sister-in-law go
at it in his old bedroom.
This is an excellent Christmas story. I loved "The Gathering" episode of the
Waltons, and this is the sexually explicit version of it - except, of course,
that the Brennans are a smaller family and that Bob is Bob's first name rather
than the ubiquitous Walton middle name. The interpersonal and family
relationships ring true in this story; and even the non-sexual details
contribute to the sexuality that Vi observes in Bob and Jeanette. If this
author does not have a degree in psychology, I hereby bestow an honorary
degree upon him.
If you have not read the previous stories in this series, do a favor for
yourself or a loved one this Christmas. Log onto DejaNews on the Web
(www.dejanews.com) and punch in the search words "alt.sex.stories pendragon."
Download all the stories you find there. The ones that begin with "For" are
the Bob and Jeanette stories. They'll give you a warm feeling on a cold
winter's night.
Ratings for "For Now"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Here Cums Santa Claus" by SueNH. This story centers around the visit of the
lovely and vivacious Sue (who looks and acts a lot like me, although she
apparently has smaller breasts and nipples that respond slightly more slowly
than mine do to gentle caresses) to the mall's Victoria's Secret shop at the
end of a long day of Christmas shopping. Two libidinous female employees
invite her to join the after hours festivities, at which she will become the
Christmas present for the mall's Santa.
I guess I shouldn't spoil the suspense - but the supposed impostor is the real
Santa himself. (This is where Sue departs a little from reality. Her Santa
is not circumcised. He was the last time I made love to him.) Sue has a lot
of fun with the story, replacing the typical descriptions of sexual activity
with terms and metaphors related to the Christmas season. I checked with my
word processor's "find" function, and the word "musky" doesn't appear even
once; and the only time "rod" occurs is in the middle of "strode," "produced,"
and "prodigious" - the latter not in its usual context in a sex story!
Instead, the aroma emanating from his cock is "the delicate fragrance of apple
blossoms and almonds, with maybe a hint of balsam fir." Santa's rotund cock
is deliciously sweet and fruity. And Santa's sweet candy cane drives deeply
into Sue's fiery open hearth. The only image I found to limp a little was
Santa's offer to let Sue ride his North Pole.
Of course, like any depraved a.s.s. writer, Sue skirts the moral issue: what
about poor Mrs. Claus, waiting chastely at home at the North Pole with all
those tiny but horny little elves? Nevertheless, this story managed to get
the vision of Santa's "sugar plum" dancing in my head. This story definitely
put me into the spirit of things. You'll have to read the story to find out
what Santa said as he rose out of sight.
Ratings for "Here Cums Santa Claus"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Sue Saves Christmas" by Paul LeComte (FA27482@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU). Two
heterosexuals and one lesbian (all geologists) are stranded on Christmas Eve
in a Bolivian desert, bemoaning their lack of holiday cheer - when what to
their wondering eyes should appear? It's Sue - filling in for Santa Claus.
When Sue asks them what they want for Christmas, they all give the same
answer; and so they have to share Sue, who doesn't seem to mind it at all.
This is a delightful story! Read it with someone you love!
Ratings for "Sue Saves Christmas"
Athena (technical quality):10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White. Ray (Rachel) and Jack (Janice) are both
computer geeks and crossdressers. Neither is gay; but they discover that when
they want to pass as female in public they can minimize risk of exposure by
having one (dressed as a male) date the other (dressed as a female).
They like one another. As a grammarian, I stated that last sentence
carefully. If there were only two persons, I would have said, "They like each
other." But actually Ray and Jack like each other; Ray and Janice like each
other; and Rachel and Jack like each other. So they like one another,
although only two of them are ever present at any one time. Isn't grammar
wonderful?
As time passes the guys get better at crossdressing and enjoy taking greater
risks. They are even more successful as computer geeks and become wealthy.
At the annual TV dinner (in San Francisco TV does not stand for television)
Jack wins an award as most improved TV while Ray takes first place in the
evening gown event.
Now at this point, the idea hit me: "Wouldn't it be a great plot if.... "; and
that was exactly the plot of the rest of the story. I enjoyed the story even
though I thought I knew how it would end. If you want a clue, read the next
paragraph. If you don't want a clue and prefer to be surprised by this really
creative plot, skip the next paragraph.
Clue: Skip this if you want to be surprised. Clue: Think O. Henry. Further
clue: If you haven't guessed it yet, think "Gift of the Magi"! If you
haven't guessed the plot yet, you're not very familiar with American
literature. Read this story; but then you won't be surprised when you read O.
Henry's story. End of clue. You can resume reading now.
So they make a bet. Each will live as a woman during the following year, and
whoever does the best job (as adjudicated by the TV club) will win a vast sum
of money and will obtain the services of the loser as a personal maid for a
period of one year. For perfectly sensible reasons that are too complex to
discuss here, they cancel the bet but continue to live and work as women, and
Sally (that is, Walter the doctor) moves in with them as their maid. It would
also be too complex to explain why Ray finds himself as a client at the
Institute for the Amelioration of Gender Dysphoria. And finally comes the
surprise ending.
As I have read TG stories, I have learned that crossdressers have problems
that we more blasé people hardly even think about. For example, if a guy is
dressed like a girl in a bar and gets carded, what does he/she do about the
picture and information on the driver's license? And novice male CD's have
problems typing with those long fingernails. I have also learned that TG
stories are often very creative. I have no urge to become a crossdresser
myself or to become sexually involved with one, but I find the ideas in
stories like this one to be extremely creative - not _sexually_ stimulating,
but very creative and _intellectually_ stimulating. Although this story could
benefit from a good proofreading, it is still an exceptionally creative tale.
Ratings for "Christmas Presents"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). The man is sitting in
his office, watching the consultant finish up her work at the computer. The
company makes screen savers, and he doesn't know for sure whether she is
testing his in-house version, which contains embedded erotic events <g>. He
also can't help thinking about the doorknob in her hotel room and the
wonderful things the consultant might do to herself before or after a shower.
Eventually, he confronts her on the elevator with a mild sexual innuendo. For
the denouement, you'll have to read this delightful story yourself.
Ratings for "Christmas Break"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby. Frank and Gladys are hedonists. I know
this because instead of going to church on Sunday, they stay at home and fuck;
and before the third enfuckment they discuss swinging, and Gladys gets so
turned on that she's eager to take it up the ass. By this I don't mean they
are irreligious: the church people probably preferred that they stay at home,
since they would have been distracted by all that fucking, especially the anal
part, and especially if the sermon was boring or the choir was off key.
Anyway, Frank and Gladys sponsor a sort of secular version of the Waltons'
Homecoming or Gathering or whatever their Christmas special was called.
The participants in the reunion are fairly normal people whose value systems
and lifestyles differ somewhat from my own. I would say that they are like
folks next door, but the folks next door to me go to church every Sunday, and
I think they shudder at the very notion of anal sex. The story is big on
incest, but it's not the exploitive type of incest that many readers find to
be distasteful.
The story is told by the participants themselves, as they remember it. There
are four different parts, each told from a different perspective; and the
details of their stories do not always agree. This is an interesting approach:
the same incident can be remembered differently by different people, because
nobody sees the whole picture. Each person sees only that part of the scene
that could have been seen from his or her perspective, and even that part may
be remembered imperfectly because of emotions or subsequent activities.
The only minor weakness in the story is that it would have benefited from a
good proofreading before going to press.
Ratings for "Christmas Tale"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (Ole.Joe@poboxes.com). The narrator is
a unintelligent embodiment of high school swine who decides to take an
unattractive seventh-grader to a Christmas booze and drugs party so that he
can pop her cherry. It turns out that he shares her with a bunch of other
guys he hardly knows. The girl doesn't exactly enjoy it, but the guy sure
feels good about his contribution to society.
If it weren't for the overall illiteracy of this story, it would possibly be a
very good story. I don't think many of us would actually recommend gang-rape
like this in real life, but the story is a vivid and realistic portrayal of a
really shallow lifestyle. If it were clearly written, the story could give us
an insight into the mind of a bizarre pervert - like many of those whom we
might find in the real world today. It's very difficult to write dialogue in
such a way as to make the characters look illiterate without letting the story
itself degenerate into benighted stupidity, and this author is not completely
successful in his endeavor. Nevertheless, I can't help suspecting that this
might be a good story, if it were cleaned up.
Ratings for "Christmas Carol"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Some people read
a story once and then skip it forever after, because they have "already read
it." Same with movies, video games, and women they've humped, I suppose.
Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt. Occasionally, however, it may be
good to revisit the past. This may be especially true if the former sex
partner has grown into a more mature lover - I'm speaking hypothetically, of
course - or if the author has revised the story.
This is a story about the first sexual experience of a young college student,
which occurs during Christmas vacation with a man nearly twice her age.
Originally the author attempted to describe the activities as comprising a
tender scenario, but I felt he slowed things down so far that the events
became boring. This author usually writes vibrant, upbeat stories; but this
one did not yet have those characteristics. My assumption was that he would
return to the drawing board and inject into this story the energetic life that
it deserved. If I was going to read a story like this, I wanted it to be
interesting and lively as well as tender and meaningful. And behold, during
this Christmas season of A.D. 1997, a star appeared in the sky and my prophecy
was fulfilled.
So the tender lover deflowers his uptight, young sweetheart so carefully and
considerately that even the pope's mistress would become orgasmic. This story
is still not as good as those in the Bob and Jeanette Brennan series; but few
stories are. I might add that anybody who successfully writes a story about
an actuary as a sex object deserves a special award! I enjoyed this story
very much and strongly recommend it as part of your Christmas reading.
By the way, the title contains a pun; but I'll bet you can figure that out
yourself!
Ratings for "Wrapped Attention"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
--
+--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+
| story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us |
| Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ |
<http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/><http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/faq.html>