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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 237 - Nov 26
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Celestial Reviews 237 - November 26, 1997
Note: It so happened one day at DC central that Batman stood leaning against
a wall looking rather depressed. His friend, the Green Lantern, found him,
and worriedly inquired of his friend what was wrong.
"Well, you see..." Batman began; "I was on my way out of the jacuzzi when I
suddenly noticed that the door to the women's changing room was open." The
Green Lantern urged him to continue. "And, I... um was rather surprised to
find Wonder Woman lying unconscious on her back the floor." His cheeks
colored for an instant. "She was of course without any clothing at the time,
and I found myself unable to suppress the desire to... you know..."
The Green Lantern was stupefied. "That's no reason to be depressed, Batman.
When she recovers, I'm sure she won't know what you did to her. Besides, most
men aren't as lucky as you were!"
Batman didn't seem merrier in the least. "No, you see... the Invisible Man
had beat me to it! How was I to know he was still there!?!"
Second Note: CONTEST TIME! We haven't had a Celestial Writing Contest in a
long time. So we're going to have a Celestial Christmas Story Contest. The
only rule is that your entry has to be a new story about Christmas or any
related holiday theme. I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely - a Druid
orgy at Stonehenge during the winter solstice or group sex at halftime at the
Rose Bowl would qualify. Entries can be posted as they are written, and I'll
review them as soon as I receive them. Winners will be announced on or
around January 1.
To give you some ideas, I am listing here the Christmas stories that I know
about that I have already reviewed. If you are the author of one of these
stories, you may want to repost it during the holiday season.
"Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author (Christmas
orgy) 10, 9, 9
"Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 9, 10, 10
"Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas
tree) 10, 9, 10
"Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (oral sex with Santa) 10, 9, 9
"For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance)
10, 10, 10
"Here Cums Santa" by Sue (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10
"Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy)
10, 10, 10
"Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender)
8, 10, 10
"Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various
orgies, etc.) 10, 10, 10
"Adult Christmas" by Abby (Santa orgy) 9, 10, 10
I'll repost the reviews of these stories in a special issue on December 20.
If you know of other stories that I should include in this special issue,
please contact me.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (mistaken identity) 10, 10, 10
"Holiday Recipe" by The Bear (recipe for sex) 10, 9, 9
"Road Trip" by Artie (high speed sex) 10, 9, 9
"Cinderella" by C. Wilson (fairy tale sex) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"A Lesson in Love" by Cathy Payne (spanking) 9, 7, 4
"The High Cost of Used Books" by (bdsm) 7, 6, 6
"Hoover" by Edward Miller (magical breast enlargement) 7, 5, 6
"A Girl Named Charlie" by Day Dreamer (adolescent sex)
10, 10, 10
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (mistaken identity) 9, 9, 10
Reposted Reviews:
* "The Offering" by BronwenSM (exhibitionism & mercy fuck)
9.5, 10, 10
* "For These Gifts" by Uther Pendragon (romance) 10,10, 10
* "Thanksgiving" by Tom (holiday orgy) 10, 10, 10
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted or because of their seasonal relevance)
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (EricShon@aol.com). The man met the woman via
email and telephone conversations. They are just good friends (not lovers),
but he visits her and stays in her daughter's bedroom, since the daughter is
out of town at her father's house. Since he has the same first name as the
daughter's boyfriend, when the 17-year-old returns unexpectedly in the middle
of the night and finds him in her bed, he has no idea how he is going to get
out of this predicament, but he knows for damn sure WHAT he is going to get
out of it!
To learn more, you'll have to read the story. It's a good one!
Ratings for "Exquisite Error"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Holiday Recipe" by The Bear (thkbear@earthlink.net). This seasonal piece
describes an act of sexual intercourse as if it were the recipe for the
preparation and eating of a Thanksgiving dinner. At first the idea of
marinating the bird (lady) for 2 hours with a spiced red wine or sherry - in
this case a nice red wine, fortified with brandy - sounded corny. But after
about two hours of simmering, the activity became a lot more appetizing. The
recipe called for sausage stuffing to be forced into all of the body cavities
until the bird was full. The breast meat was especially delectable. The
recipe also suggested that the gourmet cook take small tastes of the bird as
it cooked, particularly from the thighs and the edge of the breast meat. If
you can stomach a little over a thousand words of this sort of cullinary word
play, this story may be to your taste. Happy Thanksgiving!
Ratings for "Holiday Recipe"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Road Trip" by Artie (artie@netgate.net). Carol is looking forward with
extremely nervous anticipation to a trip with her husband. The trip is going
to include a surprise. Her husband's secretary knows what the surprise is,
but she turns beet red whenever Carol asks her about it. That's because she
has tried out the surprise. I can't tell you any more specifics about the
surprise, because then it wouldn't be a surprise for you. However, it has
something to do with the special seat that Carol's husband has installed in
his BMW that essentially masturbates her to orgasm while they speed along the
highway.
We don't own a BMW with special seats, but my husband has performed a similar
service for me on the wide-open highway. He did it the old fashioned way -
manually. It was great: I actually flung my panties out the window at a
truckdriver we passed. Aside from my hubby's manual technique, the main
difference between this story and my personal experience is that my husband
did NOT let his secretary try out his surprise before he gave it to me.
Ratings for "Road Trip"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Cinderella" by C. Wilson (devospudc@geocities.com). You know the story. As
the fairy tell suggests, Cinderella starts out ugly, but then she falls
asleep and lets down her hair and a prince climbs to the top of the
beanstalk, slays the goose that laid the golden egg, kisses her, and she
turns into a beautiful princess. Or something like that.
This is a modern rendition. Cinderella (actually Cindy) feels ugly in
comparison to her "beautiful" stepsisters. When Cindy misbehaves (as by
looking in her stepmother's mirror) she is cruelly punished with a riding
crop. Life is not good for poor Cindy, and she has a massive self-concept
problem. To comfort herself, she turns to masturbation. Imagine that.
Meanwhile, Roland,the Royal Messenger whose job it is to hand out invitations
to the Royal Ball, has to examine all the households in the kingdom and find
any damsel who may be worthy of the prince's "hand" in marriage. He plunges
deeply into his work. Literally, somtimes.
"Hand" - that reminds me. Gomer Pyle was out on a date with his girlfriend.
After the movie they went out to Lover's Lane and watched the stars. After
a few minutes, Gomer said, "Thelma {I think}, can I hold your hand?" She
said yes and slid her hand into his. After a few minutes of innocent
interdigitation, Gomer said, "Thelma, can I kiss you?" She said yes, and they
kissed tenderly. After a few minutes of passionate osculation, Gomer said,
"Thelma, can I put my finger in your belly button?" Thelma was taken aback;
but after a pause she agreed. Several minutes passed in silence. Then
Thelma moaned and said, "Gomer, honey, that isn't my belly button!" Gomer
replied, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise! And that isn't my finger!"
Finger - hand - close enough....
Actually, the stepsisters aren't all that beautiful: the only way they even
manage an invitation to the Royal Ball is by cleaning Roland's family jewels.
As I said, Cindy has a self-image problem; but Roland immediately recognizes
her beauty and invites her to the ball - even sans blow job.
Actually, the stepsisters aren't all that bad. They invite Cindy into the
bath with them, and engage in mutual diddling with her. I digress, but only
because the story digressed. 'Tis an interesting tidbit, to say the least.
Bruce is a gay guy. Gotcha! You think all guys named Bruce are gay. In
this story, Bruce is an apparently heterosexual itinerant kleptomaniac. His
M.O. is robbing houses while rich people are at balls. However, since
Cindy's step-relatives have destroyed her invitation, she is at home when
Bruce breaks into their house. When Cindy confronts Bruce and asks who he
is, he says he is her fairy godmother. Once he's in the role, he offers to
grant Cindy's fondest wish; and in no time at all he is bathing her and
prepping her for the Prince at the ball - complete with glass slippers - a
sort of foot fetish, I suppose. Oh - and Bruce tells her she has to leave at
midnight, because that's when the drunken debauchery begins.
Meanwhile, Prince Edward is at the ball, conducting auditions for his bride,
and the candidates are not at all satisfactory. Etc. Etc. Yada, yada. Etc.
In short, many are beautiful, but they don't even register on his peter
meter. Well, that's not quite true: one of them has a rather emphatic and
direct impact on his measurement device. But then Cindy arrives, and the
Prince is Smitten.
Meanwhile, Bruce sodomizes Cindy's stepmother - just to teach the old bitch a
lesson. And furthermore meanwhile the King is humping the serving girl while
the Queen is frolicking with the musicians.
Again meanwhile furthermore and in addition, the Prince's interview with
Cindy has gone quite well. To wit: he comes, then she comes, then both come
again; but then midnight comes, and Cindy goes.
I had better not tell you the ending. It may surprise you! Where DO people
get ideas for stories like this?
Ratings for "Cinderella"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Lesson in Love" by Cathy Payne (cpayne@sympatico.ca). Guest Review by DG.
This is a well-written story with three-dimensional characters and realistic
dialogue. Unfortunately, it isn't really a sex story. A young woman is
stopped for speeding and for refusing to pull over. As luck would have it,
the cop is her future brother-in-law. The young woman is rude and physically
abusive, and the cop calls his brother (the woman's boyfriend) to come help
him deal with the situation. At this point we learn that the woman was
beaten by her father while she was growing up, causing her to resent
authority and behave somewhat rebelliously. The boyfriend calmly takes her
home, and then, to teach her to behave herself, he puts her over his knee and
gives her a good hard spanking. The young woman discovers that this sort of
discipline is just what she needs to straighten herself out, and she is
grateful and apologetic.
Spanking is a well-established fetish, of course, and it can make quite a
spicy addition to lovemaking. The appeal comes from several directions:
there is the issue of dominance and submission, the pain/pleasure of the
spanking itself, the erotic and erogenous nature of the buttocks, and
probably many other sexual aspects that a real spanking aficionado could
name. The question is, is a spanking which is administered for punishment a
sexual act in and of itself? In this story, neither the woman nor the man is
sexually aroused by the spanking, so why should the reader be aroused? I
wasn't. To be fair, the couple does begin having makeup sex after the
spanking, but this is just hinted at as the story ends.
I didn't find the message of the story to be very appealing, either. The
idea that a husband should spank his wife to keep her in line, as if she was
one of his children, is archaic, to say the least. I have a hunch that this
story was written for a spanking newsgroup, and that there are indeed people
who would find something erotic in the plotline. I don't recommend this
story to the average reader, though.
Ratings for "A Lesson in Love"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
DG (appeal to reviewer): 4
"The High Cost of Used Books" by sfmaster (sfmaster@worldnet.att.net). Guest
review by Kim.
Whoa, I think this is the first Femdom D/S story Celeste has sent me to
review. At only just four pages it's hardly long enough to tell a story, or
get into deep characterizations, let alone reveal deep and meaningful
insights into the human psycho-sexual condition.
It tells of a day in the life of an unnamed woman idly looking after her
family's used bookstore. She had intended to go horse riding with a friend,
but steady snowing has put an end to that, so she has been left to look after
the shop.
Only one customer is in the shop, and he's loitering by the adult section.
She is outraged to see that not only is he reading the magazines and not
paying for them, but he has the audacity to brazenly stand there
masturbating.
Well, what's a poor girl to do in such circumstances? Yep, you guessed it.
Picking up her riding crop she orders the guy to lick her boots and jerk
himself off over another porn magazine.
She then beats him as he bends over a stool and jerks off again. He is then
ordered to clean up the mess and she then throws him out, issuing a stern
warning to buy something next time. Our heroine then takes the magazine he
was reading home, and dreams of becoming a leather clad dominatrix herself.
And that's it. Hmmmm. Much as I wanted to like this story, in all honesty it
wasn't very well written, not remotely convincing, and not at all sexy. Apart
from that it was great.
Keep practicing sfmaster, one day you'll get it right I'm sure. There was the
odd flash of interest such as describing the neon reflections in the fresh
cum. So keep writing, it can only get better. Hope that wasn't too ruthless.
Ratings for "The High Cost of Used Books" By sfmaster@worldnet.att.net
Athena (technical quality): 7 (Clumsy)
Venus (plot & character): 6 (Lacking in believability)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (Not very good really)
"Hoover" by Edward Miller (zxcvbnm21@hotmail.com). Guest Review by Mr. G.
Reaper (MrReaper@DeathsDoor.com).
Let me start out by saying that I'm not particularly fond of
magical, super power sexual stories. I need a fairly
plausible, though not necessarily probable, story line to get
me going. With that said, I was not particularly enamoured
(or turned on, which after all is the whole point of a.s.s.
posts) with Hoover.
The story line is straightforward, albeit not developed
enough even by short story standards. Boy meets girl, girl
bumps into boy, boy and girl go home to fuck. The twist to
the story, and the inspiration for the title, come when our
hero realizes that the girl that he's shacking up with has the
unusual ailment of breast enlargement when said breasts
are sprayed with hot cum. Though this might seem to be a
blessing to those tit lovers out there, it was the ultimate
down fall of our hero. It seems that the cum hungry tit-
monger drained our hero of his precious seed enough times
to dehydrate him to the extent that he wakes up in the
hospital the next morning.
The writing was decent, but again, not my style. As far as
spelling goes, who knows - I didn't send it through the old
spell checker. One little sentence at the very start of the
story set it off on the wrong foot; "I'm sorry," she breathed,
breathlessly.
Ratings for "Hoover"
(I hated to be so harsh with my first review but I call `em as
I see `em).
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot and character): 5
Death (appeal to reviewer): 6
"A Girl Named Charlie" by Day Dreamer. Guest review by BillyG.
Day Dreamer's stories have a pleasant signature style and "A Girl Named
Charlie" hews closely to his familiar slow development of likable people
engaging in healthy, enjoyable sex. For those who enjoy a story of real
people living a believable life with human frailties, this will fit.
The story, while set in the 1940s, is not a period piece and for the feelings
and actions of the protagonists, could easily have happened in the 60s or
70s. It might best be summed up as the story of the -feelings- of a
16-year-old boy and the sexual -actions- of Charlie, his teenaged girlfriend.
We come to know the emotions of the story teller, but not even his name, for
more factual identity is given to Charlene - Charlie - than the protagonist.
He's a zero-experienced sexual virgin, albeit open and eager to learn.
Charlie, at is turns out, is not, inexperienced that is. She alludes openly
to her other experiences, which turn out to be two, and is most often the
instigator in their sexual play and ultimate seduction. In fact, her
unabashed enthusiasm and her unashamed experience lend a healthy air to the
tale. Our boy is pulled along by the power of his own desires, often
stimulated by Charlie's provocative horniness.
Is it a sex-linked thing? That some guys enjoy the fantasy of an adolescent
seduction where the girl emerges as a strong co-conspirator if not the
defacto seducer? I may be remember flashes of my own adolescence and that's
why this slow progression so appealed to me.
Admittedly, there is a certain Pollyanna, other-worldly quality to Day
Dreamer stories, for there's virtually no tension and certainly no strife. In
the almost 22,000 words of this story, it moves along with the inexorable
certainty of a large river, the delight experienced in the anticipated assuran
ce of successful sexual exploration. The surprises are not wrapped in
unexpected turns or multiple layers of hidden plots, but more in the depth of
their surprising escalation of sexuality.
Rich in emotions and feelings, "A Girl Named Charlie" is a warm and sexy
read, best enjoyed on a rainy afternoon curled up in a window box.
Ratings for "A Girl Named Charlie"
Athena (technical quality): 10 (although there were a few spelling
errors)
Venus (plot & character): 10 (sweet more than complex)
BillyG (appeal to reviewer):10 (for those who enjoy adolescent
stories)
"Exquisite Error" by Eric Shon (EricShon@aol.com). Guest review by Piper.
(Note: Eric Shon is NOT the same person as LordShon (Shon Richards), who is
also posting stories to ass and assm.) (Note from Celeste: Piper calls this a
"whoops!" story. This is also a "whoops!" review. By that I mean I wrote a
review of this one myself, and then received this in the mail from Piper. I
might point out that I did NOT experience the text problem that Piper
encountered. Piper should subscribe to a good service - like AOL <ironic
snarl>!)
I think this is what you call a "whoops!" story - a case of mistaken
identity. "It's me, Paul," is the second line in the story, and is right
smack dab in the middle of a chain of events that leads to -- sorry, you'll
have to read it to find out what happens.
The premise is that Paul is visiting an on-line friend for the first time.
Her name is Diana. Diana has a 17-year-old daughter named Justine. When he
discovers to his chagrin, at some horrid point in the wee hours, that all the
motels are full-up, he calls Diana, and she tells him to come to her place
and crash there (Diana has absolutely no prurient interest in Paul-
in-the-flesh, only in Paul-the-online-guy, which is why she didn't invite him
to stay at her place in the first place). And, since her older daughter is
supposed to be out of town visiting her father for a month, she tells him to
sleep in Justine's room.
Guess what. Justine comes home early.
I had to work a little too hard to suspend my disbelief for this story.
Justine should be able to tell the difference between Paul-the-perfect-
stranger and Paul-her-teenaged-lover by voice, or by touch, or by ...
something. She should. Paul-the-perfect-stranger is 34 years old. And if you
think I believe that Paul-the-34-year-old-guy has better recuperative powers
than Paul-the-teenage-lover, or that Justine wouldn't question the fact that
Paul-who-she-thinks-is-her-boyfriend is much bigger than he was two weeks
earlier, well ...
If you ignore these twists of logic, this is a delightful story. The people
act more-or-less rationally, and the bodily contortions are limited to those
that are humanly possible. What a concept! We don't even get any first-glance
tape-measure-perfect statistics (can you tell that I've been reading a few
very low-brow stories lately?).
The only major flaw with this story is with the formatting. It came from a
text processor that doesn't bother with carriage returns in the middle of
paragraphs. So, we get single lines that stretch sideways for hundreds of
characters. While I can read this with no problem, I do know there are many
people who don't have software that can handle this type of format. Either
everything past 80 characters disappears, or everything after 254 characters
disappears. In both cases, chunks of the story vanish, never to be seen
again. Makes for a pretty choppy tail (er, tale). I'm sure there is someone
out there than can help Eric fix this problem, especially for such a nice
little story.
Ratings for "Exquisite Error"
Technical merit 9
Plot and character 9
Appeal to reviewer 10
* "The Offering" by BronwenSM (bronwen@anon.nymserver.com). The young adolescent is
getting it on with her older boyfriend in the dark in a semi-public place,
when she becomes aware that someone is watching. It's a derelict - a sad
lonely man, who really likes what he sees. To her boyfriend's dismay, she
invites the old guy to join in. It's stories like this that have brought
terms like "mercy fuck" and "charity date" into our language.
This author has just recently come to my attention. I think she/he should
get just a little help with the proofreading - maybe share the stories with a
friend before posting them. Overall, this is an imaginative, realistic
story. I hope to see more like it.
Ratings for "The Offering"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "For These Gifts" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). (Note: This
repost appears in a.s.s., rather than in a.s.s.m. You can also find it in
DejaNews.) It's Thanksgiving break at Bob and Jeanette Brennan's house, and
it's time for games. These "games" are choices of sexual behavior, new
positions on the days when he chooses, mostly old ones when she makes the
choice. In fact, she called her first game "Missionary." Tonight she has a
genuine need for Bob to "be gentle"; and so they play Cherish, which is
actually a variation of Missionary. Compared to some of the scenarios we see
in this newsgroup, this sexual activity is no big thing - but a very nice no
big thing.
For Bob's turn they make love sitting down - and standing up.
Between the two games, this story even includes a prayer - in fact, the title
refers to the prayer that people often say on Thanksgiving, when they give
thanks for the gifts they have received during the past year.
What I like about this series of stories is that the lovers are intelligent
but ordinary people. Bob is going to school (majoring in history) and
Jeanette is working full time to make Bob's academic career possible. They
are looking forward to a happy future, but they are also trying to enjoy a
happy present. They sometimes have riotous sex, but it's in the perspective
of a full life.
Another way to say this is that a typical episode in this series is like
three or four Dulcinea stories cohesively joined together.
Ratings for "For These Gifts"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* Thanksgiving" by Tom (laddie@anon.nymserver.com). Ann is a mild mannered
former toxicologist who is now a dance therapist and active member of the
local PTA. She has a great ass and a pussy whose fragrance automatically
generates erotic thoughts, even when one's face is not nicely nuzzled where
it fits best. She is married to Tom, the narrator of the story, a handsome
chap who is a journalist. Jerry, a brilliant scholar and sexy lawyer, was
the narrator's closest friend in college and has become like a brother-in-law
to Ann. The kids have gone away for Thanksgiving, and Jerry is visiting the
couple for Thanksgiving and has brought with him Sue, a professional masseuse
who is at least as attractive as Ann. I can identify with these people.
The story opens with Ann and Sue walking ahead of the guys on the beach,
gently swaying their cute little asses. (I hope that misplaced modifier
aroused you as much as it did me.) From this point you can probably guess at
least the general outline of the rest of the story; but the tale is
delightfully told, and the fact that you can guess what's going to happen
will not diminish your enjoyment of this story. And besides, there are some
surprises.
Now I have a confession to make - two confessions actually. Although I write
these reviews and have become a bit of an expert or at least a connoisseur of
sexual acrobatics, I have never engaged in an orgy and probably never will.
My husband and I both understand the intense stimulation and sense of
freedom that would be present if we did it with another couple, but we also
see the value of the one-to-one intimacy that we share and don't want to do
anything to risk losing this. Nevertheless, I really enjoy picturing in my
mind stories like this - even while I am making love to my husband
Which brings me to my second confession. Between the first and second
paragraphs of this review, I field tested this story. I can now verify (1)
that it is possible to come to mutual orgasm with a spouse by relating the
basic events of this story by the fireplace - although it may be necessary to
alter the plot to include a bank teller; and (2) that a focus on one part of
this story seems to greatly increase the probability that the male partner
will have a roaring second orgasm. Go figure!
As I was reading this story, I couldn't help thinking that it reminded me of
several of the stories written by SueNH. This is ironic; but you'll have to
read the whole story and be at least remotely familiar with the writings of
Sue to see the reason for this irony. I really enjoyed this story - and so
did my husband, even though he hasn't had time to read it yet.
Ratings for "Thanksgiving"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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