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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 231 - Nov 5
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Celestial Reviews 231 - November 5, 1997
Note: As a cunning linguist, I often receive input from readers. I'll share
this one with you:
A distinguished linguistics professor was lecturing
on the phenomenon of double negatives. As he neared
the end of his talk, he drew himself up and declared
solemnly:
In conclusion, let me observe that while there
are numerous cases where a double negative conveys
a positive, there is no case where a double positive
conveys a negative.
Whereupon, from the back of the room, arose a small voice
dripping with disdainful condescension:
Yeah, yeah...
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"Constants" by Friar Dave (Payton Place Redux) 10, 10, 10
"My So-Called Sex Life REDUX" by Tino and the Cat (sitcom
parody) 9, 6, 5
"Perverted Monks: Snake Style" by H.D. Meister (metaphorical
sex) 9, 10, 10
"Mary Jane's Boys" by DaMaSTeR (informal family sex therapy)
9, 5, 3
"F*R*I*E*N*D*S: The One With The Orgy" by Weed Whacker
(sitcom orgy) 9, 5, 5
"Camara, Lady of the Sword" by Tom Bombadil (heroic fantasy)
10, 10, 10
"The Swimsuit" by Mike Hunt (hot tub hot sex) 10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Bird Watching" by Eoghann Irving (outdoor sex) 8, 7, 8
"Apprentices' Night" by Remmelt de Haan (medieval sex
fantasy)
"In Tuition" by Dolund Ayksaat (sex with the tutor)
"Ann's Secret Room" by Will Capehart Brown (primitive sex
education) 8, 7.5, 4
"Love Song" by Eve Feral (birthday sex) 9, 8, 8
"Sweet Darcy" by Will Capehart Brown (getting laid) 7, 8, 9
"Adrenaline Games" by DG (high-risk sex) 10, 10, 10
"The Barber Chair" by Saucy Wench (bdsm) 9.5, 8, 5
"Day on the Island" by Unknown Author (goofy sexual
escapades) 6, 4, 3
"Strip Poker Party" By Dive Master (gambling for sex) 9, 8, 9
Reposted Reviews:
* "My So-Called Sex Life" by David Kelly ()
* "A Matter Of Curiosity" by James Charles Lynn (threesome)
10, 9, 10
* "Infinity" by J.M. (sexual satire) 10, 10, 10
* "Just the Facts" by Imma Scared (rape) 4, 5, 3
* "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (sex life of porn writer)
10, 10, 10
* "A Rube's Story" by Bazarov (mother-fuckin') 10, 10, 10
"Constants" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). There are certain things
one is not supposed to enjoy thinking about, especially if one is a demure,
respected English teacher and mother of two fine young girls, even if one
moonlights as a reviewer of smut for an Internet newsgroup. But as much as I
hate to admit it, I enjoyed this story.
Mind you - I do NOT think behaviors like those in this story are socially
responsible, and I would recommend very strong penalties (including summary
defenstration) for any adults fooling around with kids this way; but this
story certainly did give me a tingle in a nice place - as well as having an
indirect effect on my husband's late-night happiness. In real life, I would
urge people who feel the urge to do things like this to see a counselor, go
to church more often, or sublimate by masturbating to the work of their
favorite a.s.s. author.
The story focuses on what I would call a couple of really dysfunctional
families - husbands and wives who are dissatisfied with each other, kids
whose parents have lost contact with them, and people with value systems that
have undergone serious deterioration. In other words, the kind of people we
find on American soap operas and in the royal families of Europe.
You see - the title is a pun. "Constants" are things that stay the same
across time or across situations. Constance is also the name of the main
character in the story. The words are homonyms: they sound alike. You'll
have to read the story to find out what this has to do with fucking the
neighbor boy while his father is watching through a telescope and then
screwing the owner of the local restaurant while one's husband is breaking up
with his mistress and getting fucked by a local teenager while he's
recovering from a drinking binge. And that's just for starters.
It's a sad world in which Constance lives; but everybody is too busy screwing
everybody else to survey their dismal situation. I like to say that bit
about "surveying the dismal situation," because one of my English teachers
told me those were the worst combination of words John Milton ever wrote. I
just wanted this review to end on an up note by pointing out that on his
worst day this author can write better than John Milton on his best day.
Talk about dysfunctional people....
Ratings for "Constants"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Mary Jane's Boys" by DaMaSTeR (damaster@hotmail.com). Mary Jane has
recently dissolved her relationship with her abusive husband. She needs sex,
but doesn't want to pick up another dysfunctional asshole. She doesn't want
to cruise bars and alleys for her next lover; and there's no need, because
she has a stable of four children with whom she can share consensual sexual
pleasure. The lads are 15, 14, 12, and 10 years old. They love their mummy,
and they develop a new appreciation of her as the story progresses.
The author promises to write a story that stands out from the usual - son
walks in, mom bends over and gets fucked up the ass - stories. The first
encounter is an example, I suppose, of the author's deviation from the usual
stuff. She is cuddling with the 10-year-old and comes to a raging orgasm
while innocently rubbing her bare cunt against his leg. This incident is
typical of the rest of the story, as it has so far developed. Mental health
practitioners would suggest several possible strategies for a responsible
parent: for example, (1) don't place mom's bare pussy in direct juxtaposition
with the boy's bare leg in the first place; (2) once contact has been made,
stop it; (3) once the orgasm has been completed, undertake a sensitive
explanation based on some sort of value system, or (4) seek counseling with a
responsible professional. Instead, this mother (5) sends him to bed with a
sharp rebuke and wonders how she will ever face him again. But it's not all
mom's fault. The kids have all been having wet dreams about mom and her
tits, to say nothing of her cunt.
Rating this story is difficult, because it's not all here yet. The author
has posted the first six chapters and is waiting for feedback before
continuing. However, since it's labeled "mom/son. inc, cons?, pedo" I doubt
that this story is going to be a model of social responsibility. I suspect
we're going to be asked to believe that a shallow, irresponsible,
dysfunctional woman is going to raise four really swell kids and solve her
own sexual problems through a sort of Informal Family Sex Therapy. The
difference between the previous story and this one is that Friar Dave did not
pretend that his characters were anything other than dysfunctional misfits.
Now you have to remember that I have somehow become more liberal or
open-minded than most of my guest reviewers. I didn't even bother asking
them to review this story, because I know I would have been asking nearly all
of them to do something they disliked. Deep in my heart, I suspect that it
IS possible that somewhere in the world there is a mother raising four little
motherfuckers in a rich environment that results in no genetic inbreeding or
personality disorders. I even believe it is possible to write a good short
story about such a family. But I don't think this is going to be that story.
Ratings for "Mary Jane's Boys"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"My So-Called Sex Life REDUX" by Tino and the Cat. This is a weak parody of
the TV show, "My So-Called Life." Later in this issue I'll repost a review
of a much better parody of this same show. The present story is a good
example of that genre of literature known as Jerk-Off Stories for
Simple-Minded Adolescent Boys Who Just Want to Read about Slutty Girls and
Don't Care Whether The Plot Makes Any Sense.
Ratings for "My So-Called Sex Life REDUX"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Perverted Monks: Snake Style" by H.D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). This
story can be described as coherent incoherence. Why the title? Why the
snake images? Is this guy killing the girl or making love to her? I'm
pretty sure reasonably sane people think this way sometimes.
>From the point of view of a snake stalking and striking its victim, this
story tells of a passionate encounter between a man and a woman. I think the
grammar and style could be improved, but this is still a very good story.
Ratings for "Perverted Monks"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"F*R*I*E*N*D*S: The One With The Orgy" by Weed Whacker. As I have said many
times before, a sitcom parody should do two things: (1) it should tell a good
story - often by creatively satirizing the original show; and (2) it should
stay within the framework of the original show. A major advantage of the
parody is that by using the familiar framework and characters of the
television show, the author permits readers who are well-acquainted with the
show to visualize more easily the activity described in the story.
This version of "Friends" tells a simple, uncreative story. Everybody comes
into the main room and humps everybody else. The ONLY advantage is that
readers can visualize each favorite character screwing one or more other
favorite characters. Depending on how much you like the show, that may be
either a major or minimal contribution to your fantasy life: many readers
will already have fantasized a lot hotter stuff than this simply by letting
their minds wander during or after a regular episode of this show.
The TV show achieved its top rating because of its clever repartee and
creative situations. This story would have worked better had it incorporated
some more of those features.
Ratings for "F*R*I*E*N*D*S
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Camara, Lady of the Sword" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com). This story
purports to be an ancient epic about Lady Camara of Tyberion (pronounced
Ka-ma'-rah, similar to cabana), a swordsman, archer, and minor mage, who is
skilled in unarmed combat as well as with many weapons. She is highly
knowledgeable in diverse areas, especially healing. Camara's stories may only
be told late in the evening, when innocent children, and even some innocent
wives and husbands, have retired. Few are unaffected by the proper telling of
her tales, though the reactions are often mixed. Thou hast been warned! {I
made that last sentence up myself!}
An epic is an extended narrative - usually (but not in this case) in poetic
format - that celebrates in elevated or dignified language the feats of a
legendary or traditional hero. In the days before cable TV and arcade games,
bards used to travel from town to town and castle to castle and relate epics
while listeners consumed mead. Epics don't have a climax and denouement that
follow the pattern of a normal novel or modern movie, and this may be irksome
to some readers.
I am not a sword and sorcery fan; in fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that
magick doesn't work at all and that life would be uninteresting if it did.
{I get tired of the rules constantly changing and the ever-present deus ex
machina to solve serious problems in unrealistic ways.} Nevertheless, I
enjoyed this tale, which presented interesting and exciting sexual activities
in the exotic context of Camara's quest for the medallion of King Merovance
and her simultaneous search for meaning in her life. It was a very good
story.
Like most epics, this story is presented through the eyes of the bard, who is
reciting the tale to an assembled multitude and who occasionally digresses to
tell another tale at the request of a Lord or Lady. Although you'll want to
read this entire story, the lengthy tale (360K) is subdivided into nine
chapters that permit the reader to enjoy the epic in smaller installments.
Ratings for "Camara"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Swimsuit" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). As you may have surmised by
now, there is more to Mike Hunt than meets the eye. In his rambling preamble
to this story, the author admits to being almost an octogenarian. The
present story relates an experience that occurred when he was much younger
and a young colleague of his wife came over to pick up some tapes that June
and she had made to demo a product at work. As you might suspect, the woman
picks up the wrong tapes, and she and Mike view them together; and to her
astonishment the young lady finds herself watching Mike and June in a
threesome with a beautiful young pair of identical twins - wrong! That's not
what happens at all - although that might have been a better story than the
one Mike Hunt has submitted here.
The present plot is much simpler. The visitor goes to the bathroom to
freshen up and finds a swimsuit there. Mike had bought it for his lithe and
luscious wife June, but she had found it to be lewd and lascivious and
refused to wear it, and so Mike offers it to the lovely and lustful Tina for
half price. Of course, Tina has to try it on and try it out in the hot tub,
and Mike Hunt joins her there <joins - get it? - joins her there>. Hence,
the plot takes a distinctly different twist than the one I had predicted.
This is another excellent story for lewd and lascivious readers who are
interested in lustful and libidinous liaisons between a lithe and lovely
little love lily and her lecherous lover before a light lunch a little later.
I have been teaching about alliteration this week. Can you tell?
Ratings for "The Swimsuit"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Bird Watching" by Eoghann Irving (eoghann@thenet.co.uk). Guest review by
Anne747.
An interesting story, with a play on words. Hey, I'm just bright enough to
catch that 'bird' is a slang term in the UK for a woman. The premise of the
piece is good. The 'hero' of the story goes out to do some bird watching and
discovers a woman who loves getting back to nature. He is interrupted by
another woman, and that's when the sex begins.
Now, lots of possibilities. It just doesn't come across as well as it could.
The first comment is a cultural thing. Sorry, but the word wank just cracks
me up. Hey, that's just me though. What I really have problems with is the
lack of connection between the characters. There is a friendship of sorts
between the man and the second woman, but we don't find out what it is. I
also use the term man and woman loosely. It reads like a teen piece, but I
could be way off.
There needs to be a little more background with the couple who are having the
sex. Are they two teenagers exploring first sex? Some of the language seems
to support this. If so, lets be honest about ages and label it as such. Are
they two old friends who have lusted for years, or are they simply
vacationers who met yesterday? It just needs a little more description here.
The story could stand a little work on the sentence structure at times. Some
of the sections are a little fragmented, with the flow being lost. A quick
example of this is - [Jenny turned to look at him. There was a slight look
of hurt in her face now. Mixed with confusion.. Suddenly she shoved him.
Pushing hard on his shoulder.]
All in all, it's not a bad read. It just didn't live up to the promise of
its start. It didn't draw me into the scene. With some changes it could
likely be a much better piece.
Ratings for "Bird Watching"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 7
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Apprentices' Night" by Remmelt de Haan (remmelt@kosterix.icce.rug.nl).
Guest review by Tooshoes.
Apprentices' Night is an introductory story to a longer work, set in a
fantasy world, a long time ago, where men fight with swords, and magic is
part of everyday life.
For such a fantastic setting, Apprentices' Night is a surprisingly familiar
story about making love the night before a major life change. Change a few
words here and there, and this story might have been called The Last Keg
Party or The Great Send-off.
The key difference is that the apprentices are graduating into a celibate
profession, and the Apprentices' Night is their last chance to have sex
-ever- so they do so with abandon. No more playing hard to get. The music is
stopping, better find a chair ...
This story is about one shy apprentice who is about to be left standing at
the end, if not for the help of her roommate and best friend. Instead, she
has a night of sex she will never forget for the rest of her celibate life.
This is a simple but very nice, well written story -- with a surprising
technical problem: The paragraph breaks seem almost randomly placed. One
paragraph might run through several subjects or an entire dialog between two
people, and then break almost at mid-thought. Very strange.
Ratings for "Apprentices' Night"
technical quality: 7
plot & character: 8
appeal to reviewer: 9
"In Tuition" by Dolund Ayksaat (dolund@pcpostal.com). Guest review by Mat
Twassel.
"Slowly, Manish," Shirlyn murmured. "Don't be in such a rush!"
So begins Dolund Aykasaat's "In Tuition." The plot is fairly basic: Manish, a
17 year old student struggling with his studies, has a major crush on his
private tutor, the lusciously sexy Shirlyn. She finds him attractive, even
more attractive than his older brother, whom she has been fucking regularly.
She shifts the course of study to sex, at which Manish eventually proves
himself amply competent. Dolund's writing is extremely hot and satisfyingly
literate... you might even find a few subtleties, but don't expect anything
too complicated: the stress is on physical sex. Lust drives much of the
character out of these characters.
Twenty plus pages of detailed copulations, no matter how hot, how
lasciviously apt the descriptions, get tedious--there's joy and heat but
little romance or tenderness and not much freshness or variety, cunning or
crescendo. I suspect anyone attempting to plough straight through will find
himself bored before too long. Nevertheless, this is one of the best
jerk-off pieces I've read. Follow Shirlyn's advice: pace yourself, and "In
Tuition" is probably worth five or sex orgasms.
--Mat Twassel
"Ann's Secret Room" by Will Capehart Brown (LIBERTYES@prodigy.net). Guest
review by Sven the Elder.
I can recommend this story to all the ladies who read or otherwise partake of
the wanton pleasures of the flesh that this group subscribes to. After only a
few short weeks of exercise, as proclaimed in this story, you too can have
complete control of your "pubococcygeal muscle"
.............................???!
There are five paragraphs of description as to how, in fact a blow by blow
description that would earn the writer top marks in a Biology test. But I
have to say that this male reviewer (who did actually know of the technique
and the training, although not the name of the muscles) found that those five
paragraphs in the middle of a sexy story were a total passion killer. One
that rated high on the scale of "George I think we'll paint the ceiling beige
rather than white next time!"
There is descriptive narrative and descriptive narrative, this definitely
falls into the latter <G>. Hell I sound like Kim. (No sorry Kim I didn't mean
that - love and kisses - honestly (and please don't leave them off they are
nice to find )) Seriously the paragraphs concerned totally disrupt the flow
of the story, there must have been another way to have conveyed the message.
Probably in a sentence or five, rather than five paragraphs.
Now where was I - Ah yes - this is a story of illicit love and the way it was
achieved. Interesting and dangerous - but somehow unfinished. The sex is hot
and steamy even if some of the narrative is intrusive. In the end it would
make the good 'before' half of a before and after proof reading. Sadly it
seems that the author got so worked up about his biological descriptions that
he ran out of steam, or ideas on how to finish the story. It is not bad, but
could be a whole heap better. This story needs working on, finishing, -
proof-reading, not so much for spelling or grammar, but rather for editing
and tidying. It needs a polishing that could be achieved with a little help.
It has a great deal of potential - please seek out help from the
proof-reading service that Celeste offers. I should very much like to see it
re-worked, it could be an excellent story.
Ratings for "Ann's Secret Room"
Technical quality: 8
Plot & character: 7.5
Sven (appeal to reviewer): 4 (Sorry that's the 'passion killer in the
middle!)
"Love Song" by Eve Feral (eveferal@mailanon.com). Guest review
by Dart.
It's Eve's birthday. Her friend and co-worker, Janice, who understands how to
organize and inspire a party, collects three carloads of people to help her
celebrate. They begin with dinner at a Mexican restaurant, and then move to
Sassy's, a blues club with a special ambiance. Eve could smell the ambiance,
the scent of sexual arousal, and hear it, the sexual sound of blues music. It
seems that Sassy's is a place where uninvited touches are expected.
Aroused by the sensuality of the music and with Janice's encouragement, Eve
finally moves to the dance floor. Fortunately, with her birthday as
justification, she had earlier decided to live a freer life and thus has left
her bra off, and, on an impulse, has left her panties in the car. This allows
the silk of her blouse to caress her nipples into hardness as she sways to
the music.
Jim, a co-worker and friend, offers to get her a drink. The drink arrives,
and with it a hard cock. She makes eye contact with the guitar player. Cock,
Eve, and the guitar player roll their circle of sensuality to its proper
conclusion.
I like this story, but I have a few quibbles: Because the story is quite
readable and, in general, nicely written, I was surprised to find six or
seven misspelled words. Then, at Sassy's, Eve smelled sexual arousal despite
a smoke filled room, and I knew her nose must be a great deal more sensitive
than mine. Also, I don't think one needs a birthday as an excuse to go
braless, but the story implies than she came from work that way, which
distracted me by making me wonder about her work environment. And why did she
leave her panties in the car, and not in her purse? I know: Bitch, bitch,
bitch! But I did like the story.
Ratings for "Love Song"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Sweet Darcy" by Will Capehart Brown (LIBERTYES@prodigy.net). Guest review
by BluePencil.
Reviewers sometimes get a nasty, perverse, pleasure when given the chance to
rip apart an absolute stinker of a story. We can show off our vast
erudition, our mordant humor, our deft use of the well-honed, incisive,
cutting phase. In short, we get a chance to bully with impunity, a privilege
we share with dictators, traffic cops, and teachers.
When Celeste passed this story to me for reviewing, I was reaching for my
supply of vitriol before I had finished the first few paragraphs. To put it
bluntly, the grammar and sentence construction don't merely limp, they
hobble. I settled in to read the rest of the story, smugly anticipating the
erudite thuggishness I could call down upon the hapless author's helpless
head.
Only one thing prevented me from writing that sort of review - despite the
technical flaws, this is a good story. With the aid of a helpful editor,
this could have been a very good story.
The basic story is simple:
Darcy wears a revealing dress in an unsuccessful attempt to get her husband
to notice her. Though he doesn't, a man she meets at an art show does. They
repair to his studio where they have passionate sex. Darcy goes home to her
husband, who doesn't seem to notice Darcy's just-been-fucked glow. Fin.
Despite the simple plot structure, this is one of the hardest sorts of
stories to write well. In far too many stories, despite lovingly described
and detailed sex scenes, the characters have all the emotional depth and life
of a cardboard cutout; the sex scenes so described have all the interest and
visceral appeal of watching Barbie and Ken in bed.
Brown manages to avoid this trap; though the depth is implied rather
explicit, it is none the less evident. Technical flaws or not, the sex
scenes are both hot and, somehow, oddly sweet. He has already mastered the
hardest parts of writing: character development and holding the reader's
interest. Flaws and all, I recommend this story.
Ratings for "Sweet Darcy"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot and character): 8
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Adrenaline Games" by DG (dionysian@hotmail.com). Guest review by BillyG.
"Adrenaline Games" is a very well-written, tightly-knit tale by DG that
touches on the aphrodisiacal powers of risk and fear. DG gives his e-mail
address as dionysian@hotmail.com which gave me pause for a moment, for one of
the definitions of dionysian includes irrational, frenzied or undisciplined.
But it also touches on the orgiastic and ecstatic. As it turns out, none of
those apply so much as Nietzsche's philosophy of creative-intuitive power.
That intellectual rumination aside, the story's hot, fast paced and just a
little bit tense as, of course, it's intended to be. Andrew Miller is a
21-year-old college student who's just been arrested for the rape of Sarah
Glassman. When questioned by the detectives, he maintains that it was all a
game, that Sarah *wanted* to be raped for the thrill of it.
The detectives are initially unmoved but when Andrew offers to tell the
whole story, they're willing, even eager to listen. The story flash backs
are very well done, capturing the mercurial antics of unpredictable Sarah, "a
weird chick." Initially she goads Andrew into tying her up but she wasn't
prepared for his creativeness. He surprises and thrills her with his
spontaneous topping. She clearly gets off on edge work. Hunter Thompson
might well have used her in his book, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."
They get hooked on their own adrenaline-producing scares. I've done just
enough of my own edge work to have an appreciation for fear-generated juice.
But did something go wrong? Did Sarah go round the bend on the last one?
Is Andrew going to take a fall because of this "weird chick?"
By all means, read the story and try to imagine yourself in it. It'll get
your juices going.
Grades: 10,10,10
"The Barber Chair" by WenchSaucy (wenchsaucy@aol.com). Guest review by
Anne747.
The plot for the story is fairly simple. A woman enters a hair salon just
before closing, and hands herself over to the woman there for "the full
treatment" - okay a consensual D/s piece. With my own dislike of D/s I knew
it wasn't likely I was going to enjoy the piece. That's okay though, it
seemed to follow the idea of safe, sane, and consensual. Even to the point
where a safeword was discussed.
It just doesn't read very well for a D/s story. The slow sensual start moves
quickly into pain, where the woman strapped to the chair doesn't even
consider using the safeword. We move next to a shaving scene, eventually
followed by an oral sex scene. The sub talks back to much, the Domme doesn't
really deal with this. From what I've seen either you do, or you're
punished. If the punishment gets out of hand, you stop it.
No, that's not entirely true. From the few people I know who are involved in
real life D/s relationships, this story doesn't ring true. In general it's
about two people who trust each other, exploring the boundaries of the sub.
A good 'top' should have an idea of what those limits are, which I don't
think a stranger could.
Anyway, I know, it's fantasy. But I find myself going 'nope, not realistic'
far too often in the piece. The part I have the most problem with is the endi
ng. The sub is left strapped to the chair for the night, a vibrator buzzing
away. The safeword is whispered in the dark at the end, probably for a
dramatic finish. But it only emphasizes how dangerous this scene is. You
don't leave someone strapped to a chair for 10 or 12 hours. Too many things
could go wrong, and the term negligent homicide comes to mind.
The writing is fairly fluid, although there are a few errors that a
spell-check and perhaps another read over would catch. I dropped the Venus
grade a couple of points because I just can't buy the motivation of either
character.
It has come up recently about what purpose constructive criticism should, or
does, play with the writer. For me, to get that plot/character mark up to a
10 would require probably only a couple of changes. Now, these are just MY
opinions. The author may take them as such, or ignore them too. But it
could be a very good 'consensual BDSM' piece with just a few changes.
First, make the connection a personal one between the two women, that way it
would be understood that the limits were defined - or explain why she was
sent. Second, either make the sub more submissive, or the Domme more strict.
And at the end, when the woman is left strapped to the chair, have the Domme
lock and close the door, but remain inside. The woman in the chair need not
know that she's standing in the darkness waiting to hear the safeword. It
could still be written with a dramatic finish.
{Note from Celeste: The Saucy Wench has written three stories that I know of.
"Trick or Treat" was exceptional; the other two were not. My advice is for
the Wench to look at her stories and to do more of what she did in "Trick or
Treat."}
Ratings for "The Barber Chair"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Day on the Island" by Unknown Author (Reposted by The Velvet Playground
<http://sd.znet.com/~velvet>). Guest review by Mike Hunt.
Thanksgiving approaches, and it is a good time to reflect on everything good
that life has provided: employment, family, possessions, and so on. It's one
of the more meaningful holidays, and this Thanksgiving I will be giving
thanks that I never have to think about this story again.
"Day on the Island" begins its so-called plot by introducing two couples,
Joyce and John and Steve and Alice and two dogs named Jake and Fluff. You'd
have to be thick as a brick not to see where the story is going, and
unfortunately it does. Alice is eaten by the great Dane, raped by the poodle,
fucked by the husband, caressed by Joyce, and fucked again by the friend. All
in the short span of a few hours. And gosh, she loves it all.
The prose is stilted, the tenses change in mid-sentence, the story is stupid,
the characters have no motivation, the ending is trite. There. I've saved you
28 pages of dreadful reading. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ratings for "Day on the Island"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 4
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Strip Poker Party" By Dive Master (storypost@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Kim.
This is one of those stories that seem to be invading ASS at the moment. It's
really just a come-on to a commercial web site (adult check bullshit).
However, I shouldn't judge a story by how it's being used, but by what I
thought of it for it's own merits.
It tells of a party breaking up and leaving five people behind to continue
the merrymaking. The four woman, and one man, decide they'll play strip
poker. As anyone would, of course.
Renee, Susan, Jennifer, Lori, and Chuck are soon shuffling the cards, playing
the hands and peeling the clothes. I think Dive Master has something of a
fetish for lingerie, because the clothes the girls are wearing are given such
loving descriptions at every turn, that you begin to wonder if you've not
opened the pages of a fashion magazine by mistake.
Pretty soon, everyone's shedding clothes like there's no tomorrow and with
them, their inhibitions. The girls constantly vie with each other to allow
Chuck to assist in the removal of each item of clothing as it's removed.
Lucky Chuck!
So what do you do when you've run out of clothes? Simple, you start playing
forfeit poker. Each losing hand results in a penalty of some sort. Susan for
instance, has to masturbate for one minute in front of everybody. Lori has to
give Susan a passionate kiss and so on.
They soon give up with the penalties and get down to a good orgy. With all of
the women taking turns at coming on Chucks stiff cock, as he lays on his
back.
So, was it any good? Well, it starts off as a fashion parade and ends in an
improbable orgy, wherein Chuck manages to sustain an erection apparently
indefinitely. All the women have to do is impale themselves for instant
ground shaking orgasms. Firmly in the fantasy land of wish fulfillment then.
But, hey we can all have wishes can't we?
Oh, and I didn't get an adult check to see the site, so I guess it failed in
it's main aim.
Ratings for "Strip Poker Party" By Dive Master
Athena (technical quality): 9 (Nothing wrong with the writing,
just not sparkling)
Venus (plot & character): 8 (Can you say "fantasy figures")
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 9 (Made me want to play with myself,
so I did)
* "My So-Called Sex Life" by David Kelly. I have watched "My So Called Life"
on television just a few times. It must conflict with something else I do.
It was a good show, and my kids watch it regularly. My impression is that
the television show deals with emerging adolescence in a quasi-humorous
fashion; and this set of stories is going to attempt to give a similar
treatment to emerging sexuality. So far this series is pretty good. The
first story starts out with the young heroine going to her parents bedroom to
ask permission to go out. When no one responds to her knock, she opens the
door and sees her mom giving her dad head, while a porn flick runs on the
television screen. "At least they weren't using handcuffs," she smiles, as
she runs out of the house. "What's that on Daddy's face?" asks her little
sister. So the author had my attention.
Episode 1 is mostly about an all-girl threesome, with Angela contemplating
taking the plunge with Jordan Catalano, the young man who is the "object of
her desires and thirty four separate masturbation fantasies." The dialog is
natural and sexy: "I gave Jordan a hand job. It was... nice." Angela said.
"Nice?" Rayanne said, "you make it sound like a Hallmark card or something!"
In the second episode Angela and Jordan do the deed. It was indeed nice. I
look forward to more of these thoroughly enjoyable episodes. I may even
watch the original show more often.
Although lightheartedness pervades both episodes, there are some serious
insights. For example, after the all-girl mini-orgy, there's this passage:
"What does this mean?" Angela wondered. "It's not like I am attracted to
women, but it was, um, good. What if I do it too much and become no longer
attracted to guys? Time to re-think this." This is an important thought.
Teenagers should be open to the idea that same-sex activities (and
fantasies) are likely to be really enjoyable; and they should be able to
think about this option without either (a) being filled with disgust over not
being "normal" or (b) committing themselves to a lifelong designation as gay
or lesbian. Life is more complicated than that.
To be perfectly honest, I'd prefer that my own 15-year-old daughter discover
that she enjoys *fantasizing* about doing it with other girls as much as she
enjoys *fantasizing* about doing it with boys. I'm not going to disown my
children if I find out they've been having sex; but I really do like the idea
of letting them grow up before they become active participants. I myself
graduated as a popular, heterosexual student athlete who happened to be a
virgin; and I am absolutely certain that my virginity was not a personality
flaw that impeded my future sex life.
So who's going to read these stories - the under-18-year-olds who comprise
the protagonists or the older generation who are theoretically allowed to read
this stuff on a.s.s.? I suppose the Christian Coalition would object - and I
am not going to leave these stories on the coffee table for my children; but
I would not really be upset to know that my children were reading stories
like this. The teenage movies and TV shows are filled with innuendo; these
episodes just make explicit what is implicit in those stories. My kids have
already heard my lecture about how real-life differs from the movies. (For
those who are interested, here are the three big differences: (1) People
have to fall in love and jump into the sack really quickly in the movies,
because more realistic and desirable timelines are impractical in a two-hour
movie or half-hour TV episode. (2) Indians really would not be so dumb as
to ride around in circles, and some of the bullets would hit horses. (3) At
least occasionally the Indians would rape the women (and men) whom they
captured.) So even though I encourage people to follow the laws of their
state or nation, I'm not going to be upset if consenting adolescents
occasionally see these stories.
The other major audience for these stories consists of "old" people (over age
18), who can remember what it was like to be a teenager. Even though I
graduated from high school without ever doing anything like the activities
described in this story, I can identify with them. Doing these things would
be fun. Even the Christian Coalition people would have fun doing these
things. They'd go to hell, maybe; but they'd have fun. And that's what
fiction is for - vicariously doing things that for some reason (in this case,
a good reason, if eternal damnation were really a possible consequence) you
would otherwise never experience. All right - so that's not the only reason
for fiction; but it's one good reason anyway.
Ratings for "My So-Called Sex Life"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Matter Of Curiosity" by James Charles Lynn (Reposted by
olifra@mbox.vol.it). Debi has been contemplating having sex with another
woman, but she wants John to come along as a sort of security blanket. All
goes well, but then Amy (the other woman) realizes that John may be feeling
lonely; and so she finds a way to rectify that situation. They eventually
become happy hedonists, much like the people in "The Trinity Trilogy" series.
While recognizing the rough spots that are likely to occur in such a
threesome, this story still manages to present some really hot sex in a
plausible context. As I have said in the past, I can think of lots of
reasons for not doing things like this, but the notion that it doesn't sound
like fun is not one of my reasons.
Ratings for "A Matter Of Curiosity"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Infinity" by J.M. (LlIIllII@@aol.com). Educators consider it to be a good
thing when their students integrate their school knowledge with their real
lives. That's why math teachers would be impressed with this story. The
narrator of this story had a custom of rating a particular part of a girl's
anatomy on a numerical scale based on how many months he could keep its image
clearly in his head while masturbating. He rated Naomi's tits a 2 and Betsy's
underpants a 1. Maybe someday, he fantasized, he'd see an Infinity -
something so hot, so sexy, that even if he were shipwrecked on a desert
island, he'd be able to jerk off thinking about it for the rest of his life.
Hence, the title of this story. His old record was a six for Mrs.
Patterson; but that's another story
The young narrator has liberal, progressive parents - the kind Drs. Spock and
Ruth would be proud of. When they found him masturbating at age 10, they
explained to him that masturbation was normal, as long as he did not do it
publicly or too often. The term "too often" set a high upper limit. It was
like telling him not to have too much fun or not to fuck a girl who's too
sexy - there ain't no such thing!
With his parents' approval the kid used to jerk off every morning before
breakfast. One morning the poor lad was having trouble - the mental imagery
just wasn't working; and so his mom stepped into the room and gave him a
boost. Things worked themselves out quickly, so to speak. Coincidentally,
that very day Mr. Dulles (also known as Mr. Dullest) discussed Infinity in
math class. Because of his pre-breakfast adventures, our hero understood the
concept better than most of the other students.
Dad met Eternity shortly after his son discovered Infinity. He died in a
traffic accident. He lost control of the car and crashed into an abutment
because he got a little too excited while masturbating behind the wheel.
MAMD - Mothers Against Masturbating Drivers - would not like that part of
the story; or maybe they WOULD like it, since it shows what can happen to
guys who let masturbation get out of hand. MAROP - Mothers Against Really
Old Puns - wouldn't like that last sentence at all.
The story has a surprise ending, which I won't disclose to you.
My main difficulty with the story was with some of the strange
characteristics in the text I downloaded. There was a large O with two or
three dots, which I think stood for ellipses. There was an I with an
accident mark, which I think was a fancy apostrophe - except that in some
chapters the apostrophes were omitted completely. I have seen these
characters before, and I have been told that they occur because the author is
using "higher ASCII characters," which do not automatically occur on all word
processors. My problem is this: even though my word processor (Word 6.0) CAN
deal with them, they get lost in the translation somewhere on the Internet.
My advice to authors is to avoid using these characters. Since authors will
ignore this perfectly sensible advice, my recommendation to readers is to use
a global change strategy to get rid of these unintelligible characters. For
example, you could load all five parts of this story into a single file, move
your cursor to the beginning, select the "i" with the accent mark, copy it,
go into your replace function, paste the strange sample into the "replace
what" area, type an ordinary apostrophe into the "replace with" area, and
then choose "replace all." By doing this with about five weird characters -
actually I think I reviewed a story recently about somebody doing something
else with about five weird characters - by doing this with about five weird
textual characters you can make the text readable.
I spontaneously interpreted this story as satire - kind of like "Cat Ballou"
or "Naked Gun 69." The author has a really interesting style. He pulls
absolutely outlandish ideas out of nowhere. In the past I have speculated
about authors being someone else reincarnated. It is not necessary to
conjure up reincarnation to explain the true authorship of this story. If
you really want to know about it, this story is obviously written by J.D.
Salinger, who is now 77 years old, living in New England (where this story
takes place), and reliving his further adolescent fantasies through cyberspace
on alt.sex.stories.
I think that if Zeno would have had access to this story, he would have had
another paradox about Infinity. Approach this story as excellent satire, and
have fun.
Ratings for "Infinity"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Just the Facts" by Imma Scared (forceme@bigfoot.com). This story is
allegedly written by a woman who likes to write forced sex stories. OK, if
you say so.
The guy has been stalking the girl. He grabs her and takes her to his place.
Then he talks nasty to her and forces himself on her. If you enjoy this
story, and/or have ideas on how the author should continue. you should
contact him. I have no idea why this story has this title - except maybe
it's just the facts and no grammar or emotions.
Ratings for "Just the Facts"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
* "Crossing The Line" by Ann Douglas (AnnD55@pipeline.com). Cathy Donohue
has a habit that helps her get through boring meetings: she picks out someone
in the crowd and has sexual fantasies about that person. Imagine that! You
don't think students do that to their teachers, do you? Even worse - you
don't think readers of these reviews would do that to this reviewer, do you?
Anyway, Cathy is a member of the local PTA and she has a theory that the
initials actually stand for Pussy Tits and Ass. I myself once went to a
major PTA meeting wearing a tee-shirt that said, "PTA is in the middle of
temPTAtion!" I was advised to remove the shirt by an officer who is very
unlikely to be reading this review: "What if the newspapers take a picture of
you?" I was tempted to literally remove the shirt right then and there, but
saner heads prevailed.
In her secret life, Cathy Donohue is Anne O'Donnell, writer of erotic short
stories. Of course, the people of her community think of her as merely a
happy homemaker and helpful member of the community, not as a porn writer.
{This story is starting to strike too close to home.} Unfortunately, the
college kid who comes to fix her computer makes the connection between Cathy
and the Internet. Fortunately, he's a hunk.
Being a gentleman, Glen promises not to reveal Cathy's secret identity.
Being a lady, Cathy asks if there is anything she can do to repay him for
fixing her computer. Being a horny virgin, Glen asks her to write a story
for him. Being a horny non-virgin, she offers to go one better than that.
Being a sexually active person, I'm getting pretty horny myself at this
point. Being an English teacher, I'm pretty impressed with the parallel use
of participial phrases in this paragraph. That's it! If I concentrate on
the grammar I can make it through this story without having to do anything
about my more mundane urges.
OK. They're fucking now. Damn this is good stuff! I've got to do something
to help me finish this story. The grammar. Concentrate on the grammar. Oh
good, she said "eluding" when she meant "alludinig" - I mean alluding - I'm
going to make it - or should that be "illuding"? Damn! I'm not going to
make it after all. Maybe if I rub my pussy just a little while I finish this
review... I'll even keep my pants on.... This won't be hard.... Won't be
HARD! I've gotta watch what I say, but it's hard - I mean difficult - to
type with just one hand... Oh good, she said "...excuse as to why she stood
home." She's talking like Yogi Berra now. She meant "stayed home." Maybe
she shoulda slud. I'm starting to lose it.... It really won't hurt to take
my panties off.... Oh, Oh! Sabrina has found out that her son Glen fucked
Cathy; but now they're discussing how she found out. Encryption! That's
good; if they keep on discussing encryption I may even be able to put my
panties back on. No; they're already too wet. Oh, great! Sabrina knows
Cathy's secret identity, and she even made hard copies of her stories and
took them on the cruise with her and therefore she humped her husband with
renewed vigor each night and sometimes during the day. Oh shit! Now they're
discussing their sexual relationships with other women.... If they make love
to each other, I'm going to cum in my pants.... Except that I'm not wearing
any pants.... Would you believe my husband's at a meeting at church? I'm a
grown woman; I can take care of myself.... Good! She said "lay" instead of
"lie" but that doesn't help - too much sexual innuendo in the "L" words. Now
they're making love. I mean REALLY MKAING LOVE. OOOOH SHIIIIIT!!!!
This was an exceptionally good story. I strongly recommend it.
Ratings for "Crossing The Line"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "A Rube's Story" by Bazarov. There are many reasons to dislike this story.
It's difficult to read because it attempts to convey a heavy dialect that
will be unfamiliar to many readers. It's about a mother fucker, and even the
dictionary doesn't like mother fuckers. But there are also good reasons to
like this story. If the reader takes the trouble to read carefully, the
story conveys the accent and dialect of the protagonist very effectively.
And that protagonist is "the boss-man a' motherfuckers."
When I received this story from the author, I was upset because it contained
a large number of little squares sprinkled throughout the text. This is how
my computer registers "unrecognized characters." I sent a message to the
author pointing out my problem, and he simply sent me another copy of the
same thing. Frankly, I thought he was an illiterate fool who would go away
if I asked for a good copy. When I eventually received my third copy, I
decided to try replacing all the unrecognized characters with apostrophes;
and it became clear to me what the author was trying to do. I was dealing
not with typographical errors or with a computer foul-up, but with dialect.
Writing dialect effectively is difficult - and so is reading it. It's
necessary for the reader to slow down and pretty much look at each word - at
least until the flow starts coming naturally. In addition to using a dialect
that differed from mine, I found that the author was expressing the ideas of
a man whose outlook on life and modes of thinking were a lot different than
mine. And so I said to myself, "It's the Christmas holidays. Why not spend
a couple of hours expanding my horizons by reading in an unfamiliar dialect
about a guy fucking his mother!"
To put it kindly, the story focuses on the exploits of a young gentleman who
was initially uninterested in sexual intimacies with his mother but whose
ardor was aroused when he came across some magazines containing letters "from
fellers who'd been feedin' their mothers a steady diet a' sausage an' these
women who'd been treatin' their lil' boys with pleanty a' candied fruit." To
tell you more would run the risk of ruining your enjoyment of this story. I
might mention, however, that near the end of the story the narrator wonders
what life will be like "in 'bout ten years when her bush be sprouted out with
the gray hairs an' her ass startin' t' sag t' the floor." My own assumption
is that 'long 'bout that time he'll start plowin' th' field of L'll Sadie,
who should sho'nuff have a right fine bush of her own by that time.
This is an extremely literate tale about an illiterate and dysfunctional
family. The author carries off the dialect exceptionally well. I recommend
absolutely none of the activities in this story. In real life I would
suggest that Mama pull the trigger on the 45. But I really enjoyed this
story.
Ratings for "A Rube's Story"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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