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Celestial Reviews 223 - October 8, 1997
Note: There has been a prolonged discussion on a.s.s.d. regarding the correct
spelling of cum/come. I have probably read as many stories on this newsgroup
as anybody, and I think I can tell you what the general trend is.
Almost everybody uses "cum" to refer to the goo ("You got cum all over my
face.")
Most people use "come" to refer to the process ("I'm going to come now!").
Some people go the opposite way in each case; but using "cum" for the process
is more common than using "come" for the goo. A large number of writers use
"cum" for the verb when the meaning might be obscured ("I can't come now." vs
"I can't cum now!"). When the sentence is spoken aloud, the vocal inflection
would help establish the difference. Likewise, the social situation might
clarify matters. (For example, if a person says, "I haven't come yet!", the
fact that he's already here would lead you to believe that he has not yet
generated any cum. If the discussion is about a class reunion, the meaning
might remain ambiguous.)
A few people make a distinction regarding the process. They use "I am
coming" to mean "I am starting to have an orgasm," and "I am cumming" to mean
"I am spewing cum." One person who missed this distinction was a 19th
American poet:
I'm cumming! How about you?
Are you cumming too?
That makes three of us.
Don't tell anyone.
They'll make us leave the library, you know.
How dreary to be a virgin.
How horny like a steamboat
That never stopped for sex.
A major advantage of "cum" is that it lends itself to puns more effectively
than "come." For example, it is certainly more interesting to refer to
Mandible as a "newcummer" or an "up-and-cumming" author than as the "come"
equivalents.
One of the most interesting insights was that "cum" could not be declined.
I'm sorry, but I find it easy to decline cum (from a grammatical
perspective), even though conjugating it is slightly more complex.
A lot of the people participating in this discussion are obviously computer
programmers or system analysts. Only those people can say the sentence, "My
job is to manage the UNIX" without realizing the double-entendre regarding
castrated males ("eunuchs", for you programmers). For example, one writer
was concerned that anti-spam filters might see the word 'cum' and "just spit
it out." The equally serious reply was that the other person thought the
system "would swallow it." Maybe these people were just funning us.
Then of course, there's a college student who graduated "cum loudly."
In a message on a.s.s.d., Bronwen wrote: "I believe literate people here
would use the spelling "come" for all senses." {Well, sight and sound, maybe;
but surely not taste. However, DevoSpudC suggested that it was a matter of
personal taste - but I think he meant "preference."}
Rivers seemed interested in an existential discussion of the topic - you, do
you come because you exist or do you exist because you come; but he ruined
the solemnity with the punderful sentence, "I haven't come across ejaculate."
If the verb were spelled "cum," that sentence would have been less
confusing.
As Descartes said, "Coito ergo cum."
Some folks have suggested avoiding the problem by using other words, such as
"semen" or YEEEEEEEESSSSSSS! "Semen" works better in oral renditions, as in
"What's long and hard and full of semen?" Answer: A submarine. See; it just
doesn't make it in writing. On the other hand, this one works fine in either
oral or written versions: "What goes in long and hard and comes out short and
soft?" Answer: chewing gum.
It's getting late. Good night.
Second note: You've probably noticed that men and women tend to regard these
sex stories somewhat differently. I thought this information might be
helpful:
HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize,
serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate,
stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify,
protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,
forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige,
fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore,
defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz,
rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,
embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg,
plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of,
promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize,
murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld,
rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like
a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,
lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken,
undulate, gelatinize, blush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold,
blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
Show up naked, have sex, then leave.
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The Bitches Upstairs" by Mandible (oral sex) 10, 10, 10
"A Souvenir of War" by Mandible (rape) 10, 10, 10
"My Bedroom" by WA Emmerson (casual sex) 7, 3, 3
"The Forgetful Husband" by Tom Bombadil (romance) 10, 10, 10
"Batgirl vs the Crime School for Girls" by S. Sneakly (superhero
sex) 6, 9, 9
Guest Reviews:
"Missed Connections" by Richard Rivers (romance)
"Karen" by Hecrod (wife watching) 5, 6, 6
"Letter to Sarah" by The Bear (long-distance sex) 10, 9, 10
"Xena and Gabriella" by Maestro (superhero sex) 5, 6, 4
"Story Tales One: Henry" by H. D. Meister (sexual fantasy) 9, 8, 8
"Losing Control" by Eoghann Irving (bdsm) 7, 9, 6
"Just Right" by Losgud (fast cure for depression) 7, 8, 8
"Delivery" by Unknown Author (sexual interlude) 9, 5, 6
Reposted Reviews:
* "Birthday Present" by OddManOut Anywhere (sex slavery)
10, 10, 10
* "Mowing the Lawn" by OddManOut Anywhere (applied sex
education) 10, 9, 9
* "Rejected by Penthouse Forum" by OddManOut (humor)
10, 10, 10
* "Rejected Again by Penthouse Magazine" by OddManOut (humor)
10, 9, 9
* "Something to Talk About" by OddManOut Anywhere (mild
dominance & anal sex) 10, 8, 8
* "The Gathering" by Patrick Donovan (romantic group sex)
10, 10, 10
* "Scarlett's Cove" by Ann Douglas (hot lesbian romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Penelope Pitstop's Picnic of Peril" by S. Sneakly (cartoon
parody) 6, 10, 10
"The Bitches Upstairs" by Mandible (" mandible"@deaths.door). This one is
listed as "BITCHES" on its title line, but its real title is "The Bitches
Upstairs." That's not the only thing about this story that is kind of hard to
explain.
The narrator and his roommate Gene call the girls upstairs the Bitches,
because they are haughty and beautiful. You see - bitches try to put you in
your place. If you get in a subordinate place when they put you there, you
are a wimp as far as they are concerned. If you notice them but don't seem to
care much, they are offended and try to attract you. If you become attracted,
you can then be put in your place. An easy assumption of superiority usually
works wonders on them. Our narrator has acted as though he'd just come from
visiting a chick way better than them, and barely noticed them. So he is one
leg up on them, so to speak.
So one day after Gene has gone home for vacation the phone rings and a sexy
voice tells him, "If you can get up here in five minutes with a pitcher of
margaritas, you can have a blow job." He declines of course; but then since
it is impossible to decline cum (see first note at the beginning of this
issue) he hauls ass upstairs, but discovers that it is a prank. But then all
three Bitches make it up to him.
This is an improbable but delightful story.
Ratings for "The Bitches Upstairs"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"A Souvenir of War" by Mandible (" mandible"@deaths.door). I had read my
first-ever Mandible story, and it was good. But then I figured maybe he had
got lucky. I figured this because my grammar guide says never to say
"gotten" - and also because the story I had read was about him getting lucky.
So I figured I should read another story by this author.
Well, one thing's for sure. Mandible is not a one-dimensional writer. This
story is the ultimate rape story. As I read this story, I kept saying to myse
lf, "The writing is interesting, but he's not explaining this very clearly."
Then in the second-last paragraph everything became perfectly clear. This
is another excellent story.
Ratings for "A Souvenir of War"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"My Bedroom" by WA Emmerson (chas@bladon.dnet.co.uk). I have to admit that
the main reason I reviewed this story was because the size of the cock caught
my attention. It was immense - "just over seventeen centimetres from the
base to the top." We Americans don't do centimetres, so I just assumed that
this must be about 13 inches, since that's the size of a typical immense cock
here in the colonies. I called the librarian and asked her the American
equivalent 17 centimetres. She told me it was 6.7 inches, and I said there
must be some mistake. She rechecked and said, "Nope, actually 6.6929 inches.
Why? What do you have that's 17 centimetres long?" I had to think fast, and
so I said, "A British hotdog." She said, "Those Brits should put more meat
in their hotdogs." If she only knew....
I made that story up. The part about the librarian and the hotdog, that is.
Actually, I looked up the formula in the World Almanac and did the
conversion on my calculator. You can review and rate my story, if you wish.
But the guy in this story was really impressed with his 6.7 inch beaver
cleaver.
Anyway, the guy with the 6.7 love muscle is going to go clubbing with four
lady friends, and they are going to stay over the night with him in his flat,
which is what the British call apartments or certain types of shoes. I knew
what the author was talking about right away, since this was not a foot
fetish story. Anyway, the guy has sex with one of the girls. That's about
it. It's a really lame story - just a bunch of ideas thrown together without
any concern for timing, plot, motivation, or any of those subtleties we might
expect from a sex story. My own story at the end of the first paragraph of
this review was much better. My guest reviewers are going to be glad that I
kept this one for myself. But then, I also kept all the Mandible stories for
myself.
Ratings for "My Bedroom"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"The Forgetful Husband" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com). This author
usually gets nearly perfect ratings from me, but as I started this story, I
shook my head and felt my pussy. It was dry. My pussy, that is. The story
was too slow - all shopping and talking and no sex. And besides, I knew
exactly where the story was going: the man had apparently forgotten their
wedding anniversary, but he was going to surprise her with a romantic evening
and blissful sex. I mean, this was alt.sex.stories, not alt.sex.shopping,
wasn't it?
Well, the story DID go where I thought it would, but there were a few
interesting twists when we got there. It turned out that the slow pace at
the beginning made the hot stuff later on seem hotter. This turned into a ver
y sexy, romantic story.
Ratings for "The Forgetful Husband"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Batgirl vs the Crime School for Girls" by S. Sneakly
(sneakly@geocities.com). The only other story I have read by this author has
been "Penelope Pitstop's Picnic of Peril." I'll repsot that review.
The story begins in the middle of the action: Batgirl obviously despises
Batman, Robin has been castrated by an archvillain and has taken to the
bottle, and the Bat Signal has just gone up against the polluted smoke being
emitted by a Wayne Industries factory. Batgirl answers the call. To state
matters succinctly - Lady Penelope Peasoup has escaped from prison and has
established a Crime School for Girls near Gotham City. The Batnymph must
first escape the attempt by the villainess to run her over with a train and
then come to terms with the Crime School. All in a day's work.
There are long intervals of buildup when nothing comes even remotely close to
the Batsnatch. There is also a personal rant about the "Batman and Robin"
movie. The story also contains numerous omitted words {Now there's an
interesting concept: how can a story contain something that's omitted? Alas,
even Nod homers.} - actually, numerous instances of omitted words, grammar
mistakes, and usage errors. Batgirl is constantly in the "throws" (throes)
of passion. At one point she is "headless" (heedless) of a painfully deep
penetration. The author ought to get someone to proofread his next story
more carefully before posting it.
Nevertheless, this is still a good story - if you like Batman-style
cliffhangers. The "sex" is mostly "torture in good spirit" - Batgirl being
orgasmed to death as the cliffhanger at the end of one chapter, only to
rescue herself at the beginning of the next. So if you're looking for
descriptions of romantic or realistically enjoyable sex, you might want to
look elsewhere. But as an erotic addition to the Batliterature, this is a
pretty good story.
Ratings for "Batgirl vs the Crime School for Girls"
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Missed Connections" by Richard Rivers (r_rivers@cryogen.com). Guest review
by Mat Twassel.
This is the story of two typically unhappy young people, Steve and
Cathy--they're both bright, lonely, and unattached. Workday morning after
workday morning Steve and Cathy take the same crowded commuter train to their
jobs in the city. They notice each other, find each other attractive, and
soon they begin having fantasies about each other, detailed erotic fantasies
in which they invent chance meetings which lead to hot satisfying sex. From
the content of their respective fantasies, it's clear enough that Steve and
Cathy's minds and bodies are perfect for each other. All they need is a
touch of fate to get them together... or keep them apart.
Rivers' writing needs a lot of work. Not just proofreading. His skill
level, far from disgraceful, is equally far from professional. His writing
wobbles between patches of grace. He gives us a few interesting images. But
too many struggles, burrs, and bumbles fill otherwise workmanlike prose. Too
many inessential words and phrases and too much needless detail hamper the
pace. The sex scenes show slightly more strength than the set-up passages,
but Rivers' weaknesses are also evident:
"Oh my God!...Cathy!...Oh Christ.." he moaned as she
extended her lips even farther up the shaft of his
cock, to the edge of his balls. Locking her lips on him
she applied suction and she felt a shock wave pass
through his body, the skin of his balls grew tight and
rippled, like a squall passing over water. He slowly
started fucking her mouth. She delighted at the sight
of those balls going up and down right in front of
her eyes. At the bottom of his slow strokes they were
all she could see in front of her eyes. His strokes
became a little more urgent, his thigh muscles were
knotting and unknotting. Cathy lightly bit the base of
his cock every time he had sunk all the way into her.
Rivers has credibly illustrated his theme, but for the story to satisfy
beyond the sex scenes, for the little plot twists at the end to matter, we
have to care a bit more about the characters. Steve and Cathy are not simply
cock and cunt. They do have some depth. We do get inside them. But not deep
enough.
"Karen" by Hecrod (hecrod@aol.com). Guest review by Mike Hunt.
Karen and Steve are married and work together. Jeff doesn't know that
because nobody's told him, and he's the big new client. So when he decides to
make a play for Karen, Jeff is a little jealous but lets it happen, and Karen
is a little horny and hopes it happens. Guess what? It does.
That's pretty much the plot. I'd try to simplify it, but I figure you
probably can follow the twists and turns as outlined. I'm not going to be
quite so complimentary toward the writing, which is occasionally tortured and
sometimes contradictory. For instance:
"By now they were both very excited and they also knew that they were playing
together a very exciting game, but a game that they knew was a serious one."
One of my favorite lines from the story is: "His eye were about to pop from
its sockets!" If "eye" should be plural, then "its" should be "their." If
"were" should be "was" then "sockets" should be singular. Either way, the
writing are bad, and the grammar need helps. At least the spellings r gud.
"Karen" is a good try, but a miss. It's Hecrod's first story, and I hope he
doesn't give up, but he needs a lot of practice to smooth out the bumps.
Ratings for "Karen"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 6
Mikeus (appeal to reviewer): 6
"Letter to Sarah" by The Bear (thebear@io.com). Guest review by Dart.
Sarah is a college student home for the Christmas break. One day she arrives
home from her temporary job at the department store and finds that she has
received a package. The package is wrapped in brown paper with no return
address. The only clue as to the sender is that it's postmarked from the town
where her college is located. She strips away the brown paper and finds a box
and a letter which is addressed in a hand that she doesn't recognize. Could
it be from Tom? Or from her other lover, Tom's roommate, Brian? Or was it
from some third, unimagined, person?
That's the setup. Except for the last paragraph, the remainder of the story
describes Sarah's reading of the letter and her opening of the box. It sounds
pretty mundane, but it's actually quite steamy and erotic. The letter
contains a set of instructions about what to do with the contents of the box,
and when and where to do it.
There are two, independent, issues that need to be resolved. First, does
Sarah act on the instructions in the letter? And secondly, does she discover
who sent the package? It would be giving too much away to reveal here what
she did or what she found out. It's worth reading the story to discover the
answers.
In the manner of quibbling, I'll just mention that in the copy of the story I
reviewed, there was an "O" everyplace there should have been a quotation mark
or an apostrophe, and the formatting of the letter was slightly disarranged.
Celestial note: that's not really an "O", it just looks like one. To get rid
of it use a global replace function. Paste the "O" into the "Replace" or
"Find" box and a quotation mark in the "Replace With" box. Note that when
you have this problem, you will almost certainly have a similar problem with
apostrophes.} More importantly, I would have enjoyed more access to Sarah's
thoughts after she had finished reading the letter.
Ratings for "Letter to Sarah"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Dart (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Xena and Gabriella" by Maestro (hami@pi.net) Guest review by Piper.
(Last time, I reviewed a good Xena story. This time, well...)
I do believe this is the first time I've had the dubious pleasure of
reviewing a fairly insipid and forgettable piece of writing. Admittedly, the
author did make an attempt at putting a bit of story around Xena and
Gabriella's (Gabrielle! Her name is Gabrielle!) first lesbian get-together,
but it doesn't come off as believable, or inspiring, or even very
interesting. Notice I didn't say anything about plot? That's another thing
noticeable by its lack of presence.
Truthfully, this is, at best, a canned storyline. One I've seen at least a
hundred times before. Two women, off alone together, in the middle of
nowhere. One is in love with the other. The other one suddenly realizes she
has these strong, hidden feelings for the first one. After some
self-exploration on both sides, they talk, and then they get physical. About
as predictable as a horsy-ride on a merry-go-round - one without the funny
music, flashing lights, and bright colors and glitter to distract you from
the fact that you've been there and done that.
This was a difficult story to read. Along with typos, wrongly chosen words,
bad sentence structure, dangling this, hanging that, and ambiguous
somethingorother else, the author describes Gabriella's upper garment as a
"strait-jackett". Oy vey! Has the author actually ever seen a real straight
jacket? I think not. Gabrielle's top, at least in her latest costume, looks
more like an early ancestor of today's lycra sports tops. It's sleeveless,
midriff-baring, and is thick and close-fitting so as to cut down on painful
bounce when doing a lot of quick movement - absolutely essential when
subduing bad guys with her staff - her fighting stick, as the author calls
it.
Anyway, I passed this one on to my two "lady" friends as well so they could
check out the sex scenes. When they passed it back, they gave me a look of
amused disgust and said "Even you can do better than this!"
I hope they were being facetious.
Ratings for "Xena and Gabriella"
Technical merit 5
Plot & character 6 (The characters are there, somewhere)
Appeal to reviewer 4
"Story Tales One: Henry" by H. D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest
review by Blue Pencil.
_Henry_ could be read as the half-drunken fantasy of a loner who can't get or
maintain a real relationship. Then again, _Moby Dick_ was a story about a
whale. With equal justice, though, you could call them both stories about
poor goal-setting and hopeless pursuit.
I was rather frustrated writing this review: Yes, the story has sex. Yes, the
descriptions above are accurate. And no, it's hard to get more specific
without giving a line-by-line analysis.
This is not a story that's going to appeal to the one-handed readers among
us. _Henry_ is an ambitious mood piece that does not entirely succeed, at
least for me. However, despite minor flaws, it is well-written, thoughtful,
and worth reading.
Ratings for "Henry"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot and character): 8
BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Losing Control" by Eoghann Irving (eoghann@thenet.co.uk). Guest review by
Kim.
This is a story of lust, shyness, sordidness, and feminine power. Apparently
set in the UK, judging by the speech patterns and the location of the author,
it tells the story of Mark, a tortured individual who lusts after anything in
skirts, but is too shy and inhibited to do anything about it.
He lives across the hall from a nice looking girl, Elsa, who tries in vain to
get him out of his shell, but he's too dumb to see that she's coming on to
him. He'd rather stay home and watch television or masturbate to porn
magazines.
So far so good, but now the hapless Mark decides to visit a local massage
parlor and pay for some relief. Having embarrassed himself with the hooker,
by not being able to sustain an erection, he compounds his misery by bumping
into Elsa in the reception who, it turns out, actually works as a prostitute
in that very establishment.
Slinking home with his tail between his legs, he tries to find solace in
another bout of self abuse, only to have it disturbed by a knock at the door.
Much to his discomfort in strides Elsa in full flow. Brusquely she orders him
to undress and than handcuffs him to the bed and proceeds to taunt him into
providing her with all the sexual favors she can handle.
It ends with smiles all round and an agreement that next time he can handcuff
her to the bed.
A simple tale then. Unfortunately not very believable, nor especially
convincing. On a lesser note, it's riddled with grammatical errors that a
good proof reader would have removed, and made for much less of a literary
hurdle to have to jump.
My final complaint is the author goes out of his way to make it all sound so
grim and as sordid as possible. Now I know there are some who will appreciate
this. I don't mind a bit myself, but to be so unrelenting gets a bit wearing.
And one line "Her knees ground into his skull as her muscles spasmed" made me
fear for his life. I'm sure that wasn't the intention of the author, just
another case of sloppy word selection.
So, a reasonable story that could have been so much better with a bit more
polishing. Elsa's my kind of gal though. I'd like to read another story about
her, but drop the guy, he's a loser.
Ratings for "Losing Control" by Eoghann Irving
Athena (technical quality): 7 (The whole thing would turn red
if I started marking them up)
Venus (plot & character): 9 (Not at all bad, actually)
Kim (appeal to reviewer): 6 (so relentlessly sordid)
"Just Right" by Losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Guest Review by DG.
Being a rather sarcastic and ironic fellow myself, I felt like I was reading
a story by a kindred spirit. The narrator reluctantly goes to his parents
house to help them get rid of his sister, who, grief-stricken because her
marriage has ended, has moved back into her old room and shows no signs of
leaving. Instead of trying to help out, the narrator is determined to remain
as inconspicuous as possible, which is probably not a bad idea in a tricky
family situation like that. As he is describing the story, he pokes fun at
his parents, his sister, his sister's husband, his sister's husband's new
girlfriend, the fast food industry, and breast implants. The first night he
is there, his sister comes downstairs in a skimpy outfit and they end up
having wild sex while the parents sleep upstairs. This is not quite in line
with the original plan of remaining above the fray, but it works: the sex
cures his sister of her depression, allowing her to move out and get on with
her life.
The story is written in a sort of stream-of-consciousness style, with the
narrator jumping freely from thought to thought with little eye to continuity
or sentence structure. This sort of thing is hard to pull off without
sounding like you are rambling around aimlessly, and there are a few points
in the story where I wondered if maybe a line of text was missing or
something. But in the end I guess I liked the way it was written. The
writing style reminded me of BronwenSM, particularly the very informal
narrative voice and the inventive use of words and images. The author
doesn't quite have Bronwen's skill though - this story reads like something
she might have written as a teenager. Like many of the stories posted to
the NGs, this story has an unpolished, first-draft feel to it. But it's an
interesting and amusing first draft, worth a read.
Ratings for "Just Right"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 8
DG (appeal to reviewer): 8
"Delivery" by Unknown Author (Reposted from Bookman Archives). Guest review
by Wherryman.
This story took me back a couple of years to the days of my youth and the
letters in magazines like Men Only, Fiesta, Knave and so on. The letters that
the editors say are genuine but everybody else knows are written by the
magazine staff. The letters that were *always* annoyingly (continued below)
(continued from above)
split up between the picture spreads and since the pages weren't all numbered
you skipped a section unintentionally and wondered how the couple in the car
had become a threesome in the bathroom. Those letters.
Why the sense of deja-vu with this story? First the style - no great
grammatical howlers or anything but a little stilted. As though a staff
writer were trying to convince the readers that this was a genuine letter -
which is why they were always written in the first person of course.
Then there's the plot - these were always minimal, really just a shell around
a sexual interlude and names were only given so readers could tell who was
doing what to whom. Funny how many involved people coming to the door.
Repair men who then serviced the lonely housewife; Avon ladies who ended up
not minding that the lady of the house wasn't in; door-to-door salesman
demonstrating how their device could get into every nook and cranny.
In other words what we have here is a simple story about a water delivery boy
who _almost_ becomes a man when the lady of the house can't resist his
'bedroom eyes'. Almost, because they don't actually do the deed - that has
to wait for his next delivery - although everybody seems to enjoy the
prelude.
Ratings for "Delivery"
Technical merit 9
Plot & character 5
Appeal to reviewer 6
* "Birthday Present" by OddManOut Anywhere (oddman0ut@hotmail.com). Jeff is
a bit upset, because his girlfriend Monica has gone on an anthropological
field trip instead of being with him on his birthday. To reduce his own
misery, Jeff has decided to spend the evening of his birthday on an
anthropological field trip of sorts - that is, he goes to a frat party, where
a voluptuous blonde who is a student of animal husbandry or something hands
him a note that says: "Happy Birthday! I'm very sorry I wasn't able to be
with you today. However, I am giving you a present so that you won't miss me
too much this week. Your present is named Judy, and she is a good friend of
mine from the swim team. Judy has been instructed to sexually satisfy you in
any way you wish, at any time between today and next Friday. Upon your
command, she will fuck you, give you blowjobs, and allow you to tie her up or
do anything else to her that crosses your mind. The only limitations on what
you can do are:
1. No permanent damage, of course.
2. No unprotected sex.
3. No bringing in other people. This gift is for you alone. I wouldn't
want to fuck other guys for your birthday, so I don't see why my proxy
should, either.
"Oh, shit!" says Jeff; "I can't do this. It would be wrong!" No; actually
Jeff ignores the moral ambiguity of the situation and decides not to look a
gift whore in the mouth. Oh - and he decides to forgive Monica!
My immediate reaction was: What if this is a hoax? I mean, how does Jeff
really know that Monica is behind the alleged gift? What if Swimmer (the
name given to the slave/present) is just an itinerant sex maniac who wants to
give him a week of unmitigated bliss? In addition, I'm not a lawyer or a
prostitute or anything like that, but isn't there a possibility of a bad
precedent here? Couldn't a spouse caught in the act simply claim, "Hey! She
told me she was a present from you!?"
Being a Master can be tough. For example, what does a Master do when the
slave wants to do the dishes but the master wants a blowjob? Such conflicts
are common and could result in violations of health codes in parts of
Australia. Jeff's predicament is further complicated by the fact that
Swimmer is an excellent maid and cook: June Cleaver crossed with Pauline
Reage. I mean, this lady actually accepts rear entries while she cooks
pancakes in the nude - generating as a by-product a small but delicious
supply of syrup for the pancakes! In addition, while having a sex slave
merely distracts a guy from doing research, it makes listening to a
Statistics lecture damn near impossible!
There could be a TV series in this: "Touched by a Swimmer." The show could
be completely devoid of both plot and acting ability, except for attractive
but insipid protagonists who mysteriously can do almost anything while they
jiggle their tits and toss their hair from side to side and spectators ogle
their cute little asses. The show could convey educational tidbits like
those in the story: edible underwear may be a novelty to see, but it is
uncomfortable to wear, and it is awful to the taste. Thumbs down! Of
course, the really "good parts" could not be shown on prime time television;
these supplementary materials would have to be accessed via website or
perhaps 900 chat lines. This idea is so crazy, it just might work!
Sometimes I "disenjoy" stories that include sexual bondage. I get my back up
and assume that pain and degradation are bad. But if the context is right -
for example, if after the finale of the gangbang the target's entire body is
coated in a mixture of sweat, cum, chocolate, and whipped cream, showing dark
marks where the participants had poured the hot caramel, her blond hair
matted to her skin and to itself by strings of semen, bruised around the
thighs, butt, and breasts, where six men have pawed her continuously
throughout the evening, and a huge smile on her face - well, then maybe
bondage not so bad after all.
This was a creative, well written story. I hope to see many more by this
author.
Ratings for "Birthday Present"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Mowing the Lawn" by OddManOut Anywhere (oddman0ut@hotmail.com). The guy
hates to mow the lawn. When his own lawnmower breaks down, he borrows his
neighbors'. When he returns it, he discovers that the neighbors' sexy
17-year-old daughter is down in the dumps because no boys find her
attractive. She's a track star and is in great shape, but she's shy and
sexually inexperienced. Drawing on his own expertise from 20 years earlier,
he gives her some really good advice, explaining that the boys actually find
her extremely attractive but are reluctant to risk talking to her for fear of
rejection. She appreciates the advice and then asks him to help her learn to
kiss and make out. He complies - after all, they did loan him the lawnmower.
Katie learns the basic skills of sexual foreplay, and Brad doesn't hate to
mow the lawn anymore.
Ratings for "Mowing the Lawn"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Rejected by Penthouse Forum" by OddManOut (oddman0ut@hotmail.com). This
story purports to be a letter that was rejected by the Penthouse Forum - that
small magazine that businessmen purchase at airports and hold inside the
newspapers that cover their hard-ons while they jerk off next to nuns and
housewives on flights that have taken them away from their lovers. This
story is obviously fraudulent, because a distinguished journal like Penthouse
would never reject a fine piece of writing like this.
The gist of the letter is that the writer is a stud who works on a Hollywood
set and has a private orgy with three sexy stars. The most delightful part
of the letter is that every time the author describes a pertinent part of the
sexual anatomy, he uses a different word. For example, he never says penis
twice - it becomes a trouser snake, cock, pipeline, etc., and each of the
different usages is cleverly inserted. It's more a satire on erotic writing
than an actual story, but I really enjoyed this little masterpiece.
Ratings for "Rejected by Penthouse Forum"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Rejected Again by Penthouse Magazine" by OddManOut (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).
Last issue I reviewed a similar posting by this author. This is another
satire of the letters published in that popular literary magazine co-founded
by Oliver Wendell Holmes and Emily Dickinson, where the latter published her
posthumous poem:
I'm cumming! How about you?
Are you cumming too?
That makes three of us.
Don't tell anyone.
They'll make us leave the library, you know.
How dreary to be a virgin.
How horny like a steamboat
That never stopped for sex.
The author does an excellent job of using convoluted metaphors and trite
cliches to express an improbable sexual fantasy which he supposedly wants to
pass off as a true story. Here's a sample of the peerless prose found in
this story: "Diving between her legs, I licked her clit like it was a tic-tac
caught in a vice of flesh. It wasn't long before I had Layla arching her
back and calling for her ex-boyfriend."
This story also includes one of the few really vivid descriptions of nasal
sex that I have ever read.
Ratings for "Rejected Again by Penthouse Magazine"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
* "Something to Talk About" by OddManOut Anywhere" (oddman0ut@hotmail.com).
Jake isn't getting anywhere with Tanya through simple conversation, and so
her offers to give her a backrub. He finds it difficult to determine how she
is reacting to his ministrations. Like, she doesn't talk. Such passive sex
should have been boring, but Jake finds it extremely arousing. She's tight
and quiet, but she obviously wants him to continue. Eventually he fucks her
in the ass, and she enjoys that too. That gives them "something to talk
about."
Ratings for "Something to Talk About"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Gathering" by Patrick Donovan (drwho@world.std.com). The reposter
(Bookman Archives) has the wrong author for this one. I ranked this as my
Number 27 story for 1996.
The man's lover has come from a distant city to visit him in Indianapolis.
After he and Kathryn have made passionate love several times, another couple
arrives unexpectedly for a visit. Kevin is a professional masseur, and his
girlfriend is one of his best students. After the spend the evening out,
they return to the apartment, where Kevin and Nancy offer to give Kathryn a
massage. The narrator joins in, and the massage becomes much more than
simple physical therapy - it becomes VERY physical therapy indeed.
I'm not going to try to describe in detail the ensuing orgy - except to say
that it's some of the hottest sex I've ever read. A potential turn-off to
some readers (but not to me) is the fact that there's male/male sex as well
as variations more common to group sex stories in this newsgroup. I suggest
that you just be open-minded and enjoy it, even if that's not your style;
otherwise you'll miss a great story.
Ratings for "The Gathering"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Scarlett's Cove" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). Note: This was my
Number 6 story for 1996.
The story centers around the visit of two friends to a Caribbean Club Med
type resort that caters to lesbians and bisexuals. Although both women are
lesbians, they are not habitual lovers - just friends. After some
preliminary fun, Jeanette finds that Arlene has entered her into a sort of
charity bachelor auction - the other women will bid to have Jeanette for
their date for the evening. I think I have told you enough about the story.
It's a hot plot with hot sex. I might add that Jeanette is a high school
teacher and many of us often wish we could touch our favorite students the
way she does - but somebody might take that comment the wrong way.
Ann writes many different kinds of stories, and I enjoy them all; but this
story is a good example of what Ann does best: an interesting and sexy plot
woven into an exotic environment embellished with accurate information about
varied cultures. In addition, the author enriches the narrative with sexy
flashbacks and side plots that heighten the tension and allure of the main
storyline.
As I have said many times before, although I suspect that all sensible women
would enjoy sexual activities like those described in this story, I myself
have never engaged in full genital lesbian or bisexual activity. However,
after reading this story, my defenses have begun to crumble. If by some
chance I would ever be bereaved of this wonderful guy that humps me on demand
like Mark Aster's studly hero and then found myself on an exotic Caribbean
island with a beautiful, rich former student who was professing her love for
me after purchasing me for an exorbitant price in a charity auction - well, I
might give it a thought. Hell, I think I'll give it a thought right now!
I'm reminded of the words of my daughter, who every year proclaims that "this
is my best birthday ever." This is the best story ever by Ann Douglas.
Ratings for "Scarlett's Cove"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Penelope Pitstop's Picnic of Peril" by S. Sneakly (sneakly@geocities.com).
{This is a slightly modified repost of a previously posted story}. I have
concluded that it is impossible during a single lifetime to have great sex at
least five times a week during one's entire adult life, to read and
understand all the Great Books, and to watch all the great cartoons on
American television. I myself have failed to various degrees in meeting
these lofty standards that I once set for myself during a metaphorical
private orgy of New Year's resolutions. I could never really get excited
about either Thoreau or Kant, and I cannot remember watching even a single
episode of Penelope Pitstop. However, after reading this story, it occurs to
me that maybe I have missed something in my life.
As I understand it, the author of this treatise spent a great part of his
younger years watching 'The Adventures of Penelope Pitstop" on television.
Apparently the villain in this series (Sylvester Sneekley who turns into the
Hooded Claw) routinely tormented the lovely Ms. Pitstop in various
interesting ways, and as the author graduated to adolescence and then
(possibly) to adulthood, it became obvious to him that the scenes that had
initially appealed to him as exciting but childish adventures were actually
fraught with sexual potential and symbolism. And so, in an attempt to get
his sex life back in order, the author has written an episode of that cartoon
that tells it like it really should have been told.
I need not relate the specifics. Suffice it to say that the villain
masturbates while incubating his plan, then captures Penelope, then has sex
with her, then describes to her in detail how she will be killed by an
ingenious Rube Goldberg device that Wylie Coyote would admire, then goes to a
convenient spot to masturbate and tries to time his orgasm to occur at the
moment of Penelope's excruciatingly painful but artistic demise when the ore
hopper will drop her onto the conveyer to the giant rock crusher where the
monster machine will munch her little muff to end this meaty melodrama.
Actually, my ignorance of this story is perhaps excusable. The original
cartoon appears to be of British, not American origin. The villain rides a
"lift" and has a "boot" in his car in which he carries his tools and would
like to carry off the oddly named Penelope, who is referred to as "perky," an
adjective normally applied only to the breasts of American women but to the
whole persona of their British counterparts.
This story is extremely creative. It follows my rules for a good sexual
parody: it retains the key ideas of the original cartoon series and inserts
sex in a natural way in order to make the story really fun. The main problem
is that the grammar is very bad; but most readers will be willing to excuse
this shortcoming. In addition, the language connoisseur will find some
simple but interesting usage mistakes that make the story even more fun: the
grand finally (finale) occurs while Penelope is in the throws (throes) of
orgasm, all be it (albeit) nearly naked. Furthermore, from a cunning
linguistic point of view, the absorbing and attractive alliterations nearly
make up for the bad grammar, as (for example) when the villain directs his
deadly dick toward the delicious denouement of the dastardly deed of
penetrating the pink partitions of poor Penelope Pitstop's pulchritudinous
pussy.
Ratings for "Penelope Pitstop's Picnic of Peril"
Athena (technical quality):6
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
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